#don't listen to me actually it's fine it's fine it's not good to diagnose people over the internet i guess

[thatdude-noah]

sometimes there's a deep urge within me to put all of my symptoms on the internet and see who has shared experiences with me and if my analysis of my experiences is possibly valid and possibly has a diagnosis. but then i remember maybe i shouldn't diagnose myself online.

#but i really want to #right now i really really just wanna talk about. the episodes i've been having. #the closest word i can find the describe it is mania but i am scared to call it that if it is actually something else !!! #don't listen to me actually it's fine it's fine it's not good to diagnose people over the internet i guess

[psychoticallytrans]

There's this idea, fairly common in society, that mental illness is for teens and up. Children are happy little creatures, generally, right? Sometimes they're abused and the trauma can make them mentally ill, but that's not common.

There are two fundamental problems with this attitude. One, it's incorrect to assume that trauma is the only reason a young kid can be mentally ill. Two, trauma is more common than people think. I'll be covering the first problem in this post through the lens of my particular experience.

Where I live, you can be diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 years old. You cannot be diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a minor. This poses a problem because my age of onset was in first grade, roughly six years old. Because of the fact that I was very young and new to the world, this was also the age of my first suicide attempt. Thinking I wouldn't be able to pass a spelling test genuinely felt like something worth trying to die over. So, I ate some hemlock, since I'd read about Socrates being killed with it. Luckily, I ate western hemlock, an unrelated species, and just felt kind of sick.

I'm not recounting that for fun or pity. I'm recounting it because children with mental illness are in genuine danger because they have little to no experience with managing their emotions, have little to no concept of the idea that their life can change and improve, and are dismissed by adults. I told a teacher that the test made me want to die, though not that I'd attempted to, and it was brushed off as little kid hyperbole. If I had used a method that was effective rather than one I thought would be, I would have been dead at six years old.

I would not receive medication that worked even a bit for another two years. I would not receive treatment for bipolar disorder specifically for ten years, and that required my PCP fudging the reason for the medication because she was afraid I would die if she didn't, and diagnosis was still two years off at minimum. I received a formal diagnosis at age 19, thirteen years after onset.

But surely that's uncommon, right? This story is a huge edge case, right? I actually have no idea, because age of onset and age of diagnosis are massively conflated for most disabilities. Policies like the one in my area that restricted bipolar diagnoses by age can artificially raise the age of "onset", in my case by thirteen years. The general idea that children are somehow immune to mental illness can also delay diagnosis by several years, perpetuating the idea that young children can't be mentally ill. The data on when people start experiencing mental illness is inherently skewed upwards, and I frankly don't have a good estimate on how bad that skew is. If anyone does have that data, please chime in.

Listen to children. If they're saying they're sad all the time, that they don't care about anything, that they don't see a future for themselves, those are signs of depressive symptoms. If they say that tests make them feel sick, that they can't do anything because they're scared, that they can't breathe and freeze up, those are signs of anxious symptoms. Many children talk about imaginary things, and that's just fine, but slip in a question or two about them to make sure that the kid is just playing, and not experiencing psychosis.

Children are new to the world and vulnerable, and they don't know what's normal and what isn't. They need people who are more experienced watching out for problems they might be having, and listening when they talk about having problems. If you can, try to be the person who perceives them, and tells them that things can be better.

[arafergirl-artdump]

(eng/jpn/rus) Starter pack when you discovered you're autistic.

(Little disclaimer: This was made totally based on my own experience. Also, i mainly write about things related to autistic experience, but it's not exclusive to it. It possibly can help ADHD/ADDers, high sensitive people and everyone who have any relation to some autistic traits)

Hi there! If you are reading this, i can assume you recently discovered you're autistic. Well, it can explains a lot of what happened in your life, but sure you're thinking "what's next? Will it change something in my life?". For this i need to explain what is masking.

From Wikipedia: "In psychology and sociology, masking is the process in which an individual camouflages their natural personality or behavior to conform to social pressures, abuse, or harassment". So, basically, it means you're hiding some traits of you and your personality by (in neurodivergent case) mirroring others. It can start in very young age. I can assume you're older than 8, so you can consider as late-diagnosed, so you probably masked a lot. Later (or even now) you can notice that your behaviour changes: you notice how loud, bright, smelly, ect. things can be, you do more repetative movements (it's called stimming, it can be not only physical. Listening a lot of music can consider stimming too, for example), you maybe start to talking about things you like a lot, like, A LOT. It means you are unmasking, maybe some thing are not so noticable for you, that's fine, every autistic experience is individual. I mean, if you already notice those things, i can advise you some things that helped and still helping me.

Let's start with clothes. Sure you know this feeling when you're in some itchy clothes and it's so itchy you want it to pull off immediately. Well, now you know the reason why you felt it! But where you can buy clothes that will NOT give you this feeling? The only brand that never gave me this sensory hell is UNIQLO, plus their clothes are genderless. But if you can't buy their clothes or prefer other brands for reason, just make sure this piece is have a huge percent of cotton, lien, bamboo or any othere sensory safe fabrics.

So, what about other senses? Well, there's a poll in here that shows that most neurodivergent people are mostly sensitive to noises (of course it's not an offical research, it's just a Tumblr poll). You propably should get some noise-cancelling headphones. Also you can get construction headphones! I actually have ones, it's good for going outside, but isn't if you want to lay down because of how big they are. Well, i recommend get both and use them at the same time. Also you may have problems with lights, so get yourself a good glasses if your eyes will be tired. There's nothing i can recommend for smell and taste, well, you probably already have safe food even if you don't recognise it yet, so find foods that are safe for you.

And not so first need things! They can help you in the future, but some isn't nesecary if you don't have needs i have. So, in short:

weighted blanket - good for sleep or when you're feeling anxious. If you can, buy it, but you can make it by yourself.

fidget toys - good for stimming, but some of them are can be loud, so my ultimate recommendation is Tangle. But only you know what's good for you!

AAC app - good if you don't like use your voice much. Currently i use "Card talk" and it's good for communicating, but there's bugs with created cards' audios, it can become too fast or too slow. You can fix it by closing and opening the app again, but it can be a bit annoying.

I hope it can help you with living your autistic life comfortably! Reminder: it's based on my experience, so i'm sure there's somenthing that bother you less and bothers me a lot. Well, i said everything i wanted to, so have a great day!

(Damn, this post is long)

(PS: "Card Talk" is so buggy i need to make new audio for created cards. If you aren't multilingual as me, better find other apps)

(PPS: I just found one that is good for multilinguals, it's "Cboard"! So if you're talking in more than one language, this app is pretty good!)

#autism #self help #advice #aac device #noise canceling headphones #fidget toys #article #actually autistic #neurodivergent #30 notes

[lhecxzsaisgay]

Hidden Love - Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett being a complete simp but an asshole for Y/n at the same time, will Y/n forgive her boss? When will Scarlett change and confess? What would be the ending is gonna look like?

Ready your tissues!

[Angst with happy ending!]

~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n's POV:

"Don't worry, Ma. I'll try to send you more money than usual, just rest and do what the doctor's says, okay?" I said on the phone with gentle voice to my mother.

I only have my mother, and unfortunately, she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. I never knew my dad, and i didn't really grew up having everything i want, and well, need. My mother needed to work 24 hours, and only having a payment that is good for our 2 days food, but she's so strong and determined, that even that's our life situation, i managed to finish my school.

Now, im working, trying to work hard enough to have enough money to take my mother in a chemotherapy, i've been actually saving up for it, and for her operation, which is not really doing well.

She has so many supplements needed that is already half of my payment, and i still have so many bills to pay, from my rent payment, to my electricity and water bills, same goes to the house of my mother that she currently lives in right now.

I'm working at J.Corp, short term for, Johansson's Corporation, i work here from 6 in the morning, then to 7 in the evening, then after that, i have my shift to a convinient store from 8 in the evening, to 3 in the morning. Sometimes i don't really eat in order to save enough money, because i really want my mother to go to therapy already.

She's all i have left, and what more could i lose if i lost her too?

"Don't worry about me, darling. I promise you, i will be just fine. Don't forget to eat, okay? Take care of yourself." She said her voice lacing with the comfort that i missed everyday.

"Yes, i know Ma. I'll try to go there when i have enough money-" I was cut off when the voice of my boss rang through the air from the intercom.

"Y/l/n."

I rolled my eyes before bidding my goodbye to my mother, telling her that I'll just call her back later.

Ughh, what does she needs right now?

It's already break time, that means no work. I only hope she's just calling me right now for another free food, because if not, hell will lose.

My work here in this company has ups and down, well, the downs are mostly caused by my very own boss, Scarlett Johansson. I don't know what i did to that woman, because there's not a day where she wouldn't yell at me for completely nothing, or just gives me tons of works, that i know, is supposed to be for the others to work on.

The ups are because of my friends, well, sometimes, it's caused by Ms. Johansson too though. She's just so random sometimes, like in first, she would act all devil to me as if i did something very horrible to her, then the next, she's inviting me to have a lunch with her, sometimes dinner in a very expensive restaurants, which is im very grateful for, but it's all just confusing.

I mean, why me of all people that is on this building, that is probably much more worth her time?

She always manages to get in my nerves, but in all those bad things she does to me, i can't helo but catch feelings for the woman because of every little kind things and gestures she do to me, which i probably found weird, like...she's always mean to me and all, but i mean...she's beautiful, and sometimes can be such a gentlewoman, that so many people here has a crush on her.

But, i always just take those feelings and thoughts aside. Because, well, she always -not just being mean to me- but sometimes, she get on my nerves that it hurts my feelings already, but all i did is to listen to her hurtful words towards me, while wondering what i did wrong.

It's just all exhausting and very rude of her, that sometimes i just find myself crying in the dark while walking to the convinient store. I already have so many problems, and she still adds up, confusing me and hurting me mentally, and it just gets all to much.

But, even if i want to quit already, i can't. This work is what gives me money to survive and help my mother, ofcourse i wouldn't waste it even if i have to go through hell in the process.

"Come in." I heard her say from the other side of the door.

"Yes, Ms. Johansson?" I asked while looking at her, standing just beside the door.

She looked up at me with a stone cold face, she looked at me up and down, almost looking like she's judging every part of like that made me shrink on where i am standing.

I just only hope for one thing, for her to not yell and shout at me, because dude, i am not really having a very good day. I still haven't eaten breakfast, or even lunch, and it's now dinner time, and im trying so hard not to feel weak because i still my have my shift in the convinient store. Then my mom, and...just all.

The payments of the bills will be coming next week, along with my mother's, and thank god, my payment here will be given to me tommorow. That's why i didn't eat, i will just buy more food tommorow.

"Did you already eat?" She asked.

This is what im talking about the small kind gestures of hers, that i don't even know she do with everyone here in the company, or it's just me.

"I-i uhh- i still didn't, Ms. Johansson." I said with my head hung down. I heard her stand up abruptly, then i heard papers scattering around.

"Did you ate lunch?" I shook my head. "Breakfast?" I shook my head.

"Oh come on, for fuck sake, Y/n! We've already talked about this, didn't we? Don't act like a child wanting to be reminded on when to eat, because none of us here want your burden. We can't just have you collapsing out of nowhere because you didn't ate like last time."

And this is what i said about her, being mean and rude and evil and bad, and just all the worse things you can think of.

"I - im sorry, Ms. Johansson..." I heard her click her tounge, before her footsteps walked near me.

"Come with me, let's eat dinner together." I heard her say, before completely walking past me.

"But, Ms. Johansson, i still have a lot of paperworks to do-" I was cut off by her.

"Shut up and just follow me, Y/n." She said with her usual cold tone.

I sighed defeatedly before running after her, stopping at my desk and quickly getting my back. I just followed her like a puppy until we're in her car, and being the 'gentlewoman' that she is, she opened the door for me.

What she said earlier was true, i blacked out because of hunger and stress, but i just told her that i was so busy, because well, im too shy to tell her my life condition, i don't want her judging me when she's always doing it everyday, i can't handle it anymore if she used my life situation to say mean things to me.

I stayed silent the whole drive, fiddling with my fingers as i did so, and occasionally glancing at her. Her jaw are tensed, all of her are tensed. I always try to act all brave, but in inside, i get scared of her sometimes, that i caught myself flinching at the small sounds that i would hear everywhere.

The dinner, well it was silent too, but speaking of the little gestures she do to me, she did what she usually does, cutting the hard pieces of food for me, and literally flooding the table and my plate with tons of foods.

"Your work time is already over, I'll get you home." She said as she started the car.

"Oh- uhm, actually, can you drop me off at the convinient store but the street after your building?" I asked and she looked at me, frowning.

"You're still working there?" She spat out, making me look down, avoiding her burning gaze. "Didn't i told you to quit working there already? You're living all by yourself, you didn't need to work there too, to survive for the living..."

I do, Scarlett. Unfortunately, i fucking do.

"No wonder why you always pass me late paperworks." She said, and i can see in my peripheral vision that she's shaking her head.

All i wanna do is to cry as she drive the car. How can she say those things to me when she doesn't even know what and how my life is like?

"Thank you, for the dinner." I said once we stopped infront of the store.

"Just get out." She said without even sparing me a glance.

"Bye, drive safely." I muttered before getting out, once i was out, she drove almost instantly.

I felt tears brimmed out of my eyes, but quickly wiped it and shook my head while taking a deep breaths.

It's okay. It's going to be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~

No one's POV:

"Bye, drive safely." Scarlett heard the soft tone of the woman she loves for 3 years.

It's hard to love Y/n in the dark, and be a devil when she's infront of the woman as if she didn't fantasize about Y/n walking down the aisle as she waited on the altar, or having a multiple kids with the younger girl and just living the best life with her.

"Just get out." Scarlett internally cringed and cursed herself for sounding so mean.

Every mean words that would come out of her mouth to Y/n's ear, she would immediately feel guilty and get completely mad at herself.

As much as she wants to be kind and apologize to the poor girl already, she can't just risk it. All of it. She scared and terrified that if ever they got more closed, then Scarlett might no be able to control herself and be all obsessed with Y/n. And she's too traumatized at her past relationship, that it gets in her head when she thinks of having Y/n as her girlfriend.

What if she got hurt again? Or what if she hurt the most genuine person she knows? The only woman who she truly love for all her life. As much as it's a very idiotic thing for her to do those things to the pure woman, she just can't help but do it.

Not that it makes her happy or anything in the latter, but it's most likely just her way of having Y/n's attention, because whenever she'd alone at her, she gets to have Y/n all for herself. She's just so stubborn to makes everything easy and better with her relationship with Y/n.

She knows she's being shit and all, and that anytime, she might lose her girl, but this is the only way she can think of to do, due to what she had been through her life, not just her past relationship.

She don't even have any idea why Y/n is still working for her. But, this time, with the help of her friend's -Wanda's- words, she knows that this gotta stop soon. Which is her goal. She's just trying to find the courage, and the right words to say, and hoping that she will not gonna be too late for that.

She loved you from the moment you walked through her office door, she's just too scared to admit it to herself, and as days and months passed, she found herself being wrapped up around you finger.

She knows what she's doing is sometimes getting out of line, but due to her stress and on what she's been through, that's just kind of her things, which is not good, but she will surely change it, not just for herself, but especially for you, and you only.

"You gotta stop treating Y/n like that, she's the kindest person i know, and she doesn't deserve to be treated anything like that, Natasha."

She still remembers Wanda's words in her mind like it's tattooed there already. But, not to worry, she'll be asking for your forgiveness soon enough, and she'll do everything, even if she needs to get on her knees and kiss your feet.

All i well and peaceful as she sit on her desk chair, listing everyone who she will be paying for tommorow, and you're one of those people, she figured that maybe, this is gonna be a good timing to apologize to you, she can just order you to come to her penthouse that is on the top floor of this building and tell you that she'll give you the money there, then she'll apologize.

That's a good idea, right? Right.

A ding from her phone caught her attention, she immediately clicked the message of one of her men's, that she hired to watch over you. Yeah, she's too possessive like that.

Anger immediately rose inside her body, as the apologies she's planning to do faded in her mind like bubbles. It's a video of you, being held by a man she knows all to well. It's the man that is always hugging you from every video her men's sends her, who is also your co worker at the store.

She doesn't want to think things too fast, but she just can't help but thought of what's your connection with that man. She once asked you about your love life and you said you're single, but this man keeps making her think otherwise.

Anger, jealousy and all rose inside her body, until all of it filled her up completely.

Maybe she can just do the apologies in another day.

~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n's POV:

Today is the day im gonna have my payment.

After a whole breakdown last night at the store, i am feeling very well right now, thanks to my a good friend of mine, Max, he's a boy. He's very kind enough to comfort me and even walked me home, things like that are normal to us, plus, i would trust him with my life, not that because he's my friend, but because i know he won't take advantage of me or anything because he's very gay.

I'm now walking towards to Ms. Johansson's office, instantly warning at the lack of seeing people on the way. Usually, when it's the day of paying off, so many people would be scattering around her, but now? It's dead silence, only the sound of silent conversing, and the typing on keyboards. I was gonna knock on the door already, but i was stopped when Samantha called me out.

"Y/n! Hey! Ms. Johansson said you'll be receiving your payment up there." I frowned instantly.

"Are you guys have been payed already?" I asked, turning my whole body to her.

"Yeah, you didn't know? She sent us all a messages saying that we need to go here earlier than usual..." She explained unsurely.

"No...she didn't...." I trailed of on my words.

I bid Sam a goodbye and said that im gonna go upstairs. I quickly ran towards the elevator with my heart pounding in my chest.

What if she's gonna give me my last payment because she'll gonna fire me now?

Oh god, oh god, oh god-

I was brought out of my trance when the ding of the elevator rung out, i quickly walk towards inside, trying to find a trace of Ms. Johansson, while calling her name. I soon stopped when i saw her laying at a pool bench, sunbathing with just a a piece swimsuit.

I blushed and looked down, trying to avoid her smooth and bright skin.

"Ms. Johansson." I made my presence known, and in my peripheral vision, i felt her looked up, then stand up, there's a movements came from her but i didn't looked up.

"Ms. Y/l/n..." I can hear her voice that she has a smirk. "You can look up now." And i did, and saw her in a robe.

"Ms. Johansson, im here to take my payment." I said politely, giving her a tight small smile, but it was soon turn into a frown when i saw her face fell.

"Ooh, that....right. Well, actually, Ms. Y/l/n, you wouldn't be receiving anything." I frowned, as i felt my heart fell.

"W-what? Why? W-what did i do?" I stammered, my heart is now hammering in my chest.

"What did you do? Why don't you think about the days i always yelled at you for failing almost all of the paperwork i gave you? Did you forget about all that already?" She said with a sadistic tone.

I avoided her gaze, instead i gaze forwards, which is enough to not see her eyes, since she's a lot taller than me.

"No, i didn't, Ms. Johansson. But, as far as i can remember, i already made all my mistakes right. And...not all the time of you, calling me in your office, was because i did something wrong." I can't help but let out that harshly than i intended it to be.

I really need that money, and there's no way i will get out here without that.

"Oooh, getting too confident now, are we, Ms. Y/l/n?" She said with a teasing tone.

I can't help but feel humiliated in our current situation, and it makes me feel so small that all i want to do is to die or just jump right off of this building.

"Ms. Johansson, please, i really need the money. I will do everything you'll say, just please..." I pleaded, maybe being too confident and fighting back would just make her not give it to me.

"Anything?" She asked, and i nodded.

"Anything." I said, looking up at her. I saw a glint in her eyes, but it was soon faded.

"This is what you want, right?" She waved the stack of dollar in the air with her hand, and i nodded, before widening my eyes at the next action she made.

"Then get it." She said as she throw the money to the large swimming pool she has here.

I don't know how to swim, my body turned cold, but the desperation got the best of me.

Without that money, i will not have the chance to pay my bills. I need that. Most importantly, my mother needs that.

"What are you waiting for?" I flinch at her voice, looking back up at her with tears in my eyes.

I felt so little, like a slave, and so poorly humiliated. My heart aches at the thought of someone, treating me like this. I know that she is much up there than me who is literally living like a stray puppy, but she has no rights to do this to me.

She is so evil.

I saw how her eyes changed its look, it's like she got taken back about something, but before she can even utter i look back at the deep swimming pool, where all the dollars are floating.

I took a deep breath, before swallowing the lump on my throat. I walk fastly to the pool, then jump, with one thing on my mind.

This is for my mother.

I heard her voice called me out, but i didn't cared, and tried my best to get all of the money, while trying to gasp for air everytime i came to the surface, only to realize that im literally in the middle of the pool.

With every jump from the bottom, i realized that im at the very deep, my movements became frantic as i felt myself losing so much oxygen, while i kept hearing her muffled voice screaming my name worriedly.

I already drank the water, and some went through my nose, i was gonna reach out for another dollar when i felt a strong big arms wrapped itself around me, and the next thing i know, i was gasping for air while holding the wet money in my hands tightly.

I hope my asthma doesn't attack me right now.

"What the fuck, Y/n? Why the fuck did you do that? You could've died!" She yelled and i flinch while still gasping, and looked at the pool to see that there's still left, i was gonna jump again, but her strong masculine arms caught me.

"Hey! Stop! Stop!" She yelled, trapping me completely in her arms.

I couldn't take it anymore, my chest is burning, along with the pain im feeling right now. I sobbed, and cried hard not caring of what her reaction will be.

"H-hey.." Her voice sounded as if she was being strangled.

"Get off of me..." I breathed out, i want to vomit, maybe because of the amount of water i drunk and i felt it hard to breathe. "T-there's still more...i-i n-need to get that...my-my m-mom needs i-it..." I stammered, my tone is completely broken.

"P-please...i-i need to get it.." I thrashed around her arms, but then she hugged me, completely trapping me in her arms.

"Hey, hey, darling...it's okay, you don't have to get that...shhh, shhh, im sorry, i-im sorry..." Even me, i couldn't recognize her voice.

I stopped thrashing around, but still continue to gasp for air, my cries and sobs filled through the air. I felt so helpless, so poor, humiliated, and very desperate.

I looked down at the money in my arms, avoiding the sweet nothings she kept whispering in my ears. Her voice sounded soft, it tweaks, and sometimes it breaks, like she's crying.

"I-it's still n-not enough..." I said breathlessly. "Get off of me." I demanded weakly. "Please, stop making it all so hard for me...please...i just wanted my money...please...i can't- i cant do this anymore." I whispered brokenly, trying to push her death grip on me.

She kept muttering an apologies, then comforting words, but all i felt towards her is hatred, madness and all the worse things to feel.

We stayed like that until i calmed down. I'm still breathing unevenly, and i know im having my asthma. I'm shaking and all, with my lips quivering as i sob quietly. I don't know what's happening to her as she's holding me tightly, while whispering apologies to me.

Out of nowhere she picked me up ever so gently, while still whispering that it's all gonna be okay, and she's so so sorry. With all the things that had happened, i felt so weak, so weak that i can't even open my mouth because of exhaustion, im still gripping the money that is in my hand.

She went inside her penthouse while still carrying me, both of my hand is on my chest, clutching it together as i still feel my chest tightening, then the side of my head is on her shoulder.

I felt so weak.

My body is still shaking, and I don't know how to stop it.

I felt so cold, and i know that im going to be sick for days.

Why does Scarlett have to be mean to me?

My lips wobbled at my thoughts, as a strangled sob came out of it.

"Shhh, im sorry, im sorry....stop crying already, baby. It hurts my heart to see you cry..." I'm too exhausted to even manage to think what she just said as the next thing i know is she put me on the bathtub.

"N-no...i wanna go home..." I protested weakly, shaking my head as i look at up at her, to see her already looking up at me.

"No, you'll stay here, you'll stay here. It's okay, im sorry please, stay here...stay here for now, please....let me just take care of you, yeah?" She pleaded making me frown at her attitude, but i shook my head.

"N-no...t-the money, i need i-" I was cut off by her.

"The money will be fine, sweetheart. I'm your boss, you'll do as i said." She demanded with a soft tone. I didn't utter a word anymore, then look down.

"Can you give me that for a second, love?" She pointed at the money in my hand, i opened my hand and she took it then out it on the table beside the little table beside the bathtub, but not before kissing my head and saying 'good girl'. Then she took my face with her hands, looking at me with the most softest look she's given me.

"Don't worry about the money, okay?" She asked softly, and i nodded.

"But, i need it.." I said.

"I know, but don't worry about it for now, okay? Clean yourself first- do you need any help?" She asked and i shook my head.

"Okay, im just gonna be right outside the bathroom, okay? I'll get you some clothes and there's a brush and extra towels there, okay?" She pointed at the drawer under the sink.

"Just call me if you need anything, okay?" I nodded once again, and she smiled a little before kissing my head, leaving a lingering kiss there that felt so different.

She left and i started cleaning myself.

~~~~~~~~~~

Scarlett's POV:

As soon as i close the bathroom door, i sighed, leaning my head against it.

Why did i do that? Fuck.

Everything felt so wrong, my heart shattered into pieces as the earlier moments ran through my mind once again. Just thinking of how desperate she was earlier to get the money hurt me in the most impossible way, and the thought of her, almost dying because of what i did, is slowly killing me. The look on her face, fuck. It's all plastered in the back of my head, and the scenes kept playing without a stop.

An idea came into my mind, i quickly get her some clothes first, which is probably gonna be too big for her, i put it outside the bathroom door, on the table beside it. Then, i quickly pulled out my phone, dialing Wanda, not before walking far away enough from the bathroom.

"Hey, Lizzie?" I asked.

"Hey, Scar. What's up?" She asked.

"I need you to do me a favor." I said, then get straight to the point.

I told her to do a background check on Y/n's personal life, and do everything to see what my girl's life is really like. Then i told her what had happened, which she scolded me for. I told her my plan on getting Y/n and then after that, she made me promised to not to do something bad to Y/n again, or she said, she'll steal the girl from me, which made me a little aggressive, and cursed her through the phone, then we said goodbye.

After the phone call, i felt presence behind me, making me look around and saw Y/n standing there, looking so adorable and pretty as ever. My clothes is so big for her, but it makes my heart melt at the sight. Though, my heart still aches because she wouldn't even look at me straight in the eyes.

"I- uh, im gonna take my money now, then go home." Her voice is raspy, i quickly made a move walking to the kitchen then getting a glass of water.

"Come here, please." I said softly, while pouring a water in the glass.

She looked at me for a second, and when she caught me staring at her she quickly looked down, before hesitantly walking towards the kitchen countertop.

"Take a seat." I said with soft voice.

Now's my only chance, well, if i still have.

I slide the glass towards her and told her to drink it, which she did, almost downing it in just a 10 seconds. I watch her every movements with longing eyes, as my heart shatter on how afraid she seemed infront of me. It took me everything in my power to not to let my tears fall of.

I knew, by the moment and scenes we had earlier, i knew i already went beyond the line, and i will stop it right here. No procrastinations anymore. I walked towards her and stop by here side until im just a few inches from her. My arms are aching to be wrapped around her, while i beg for forgiveness, which i know i don't deserve, but i can still try, right?

I saw how she became tensed, but still continue on infront of her at a black space. I see her hands that is on the table shaking a little, which breaks my heart a little more, and i see her chest heaved as she breath.

"Y/n..." I called out softly, with my voice slightly wavering. "Can you look at me, hun? Please?" I asked, as i raised my hands to touch her cheeks, but quickly stopped when i saw her flinch and shielded her hands infront of her face.

I can hear my heart shattering into pieces, goosebumps started to form on my skin. I couldn't help and stop the tears that brimmed out of my eyes as i look down at her.

"P-please...i just wanna go home with my money..." She whispered so brokenly.

"Y/n...." I breathed out, but she put her hands down while shaking her head, now looking at me.

"P-please, j-just give me my money, and I'll quit, y-you won't see me anymore, just please, let me go in peace. I can't take what you're doing to me anymore....i promise, I'll quit." She rambled, and my heart stopped at the words she said.

"You can hurt me all you want if that's what will get you to give me my money, do anything- everything you want, yell at me, hurt me, slap me, i-i don't care, just give me my money, please, my- my mother needs it..." She pleaded, with her hands clasped and her eyes full of tears while looking up at me.

Tears are now streaming down on my face, the look she's giving me now, and along with the words she's saying is breaking me apart.

"Stop saying those things, i-i would never hurt you, okay?" I demanded, my voice getting hard.

Why would she thought im gonna hurt her? I would never dare or even think about laying a finger on her.

Am i that bad to her, for her to think this way?

"...and i will never gonna shout at you again, okay?..." My hands seems to have their own mind as it unconsciously went to her soft cheeks, caressing it as soon as they landed on the soft skin. "I'm sorry, im really sorry, not just for the things that i did today, but for all the things i did to you. I-i i never meant any mean words that i told you, it's very hard to explain it right now, but i promise you, there's something behind those things on why i treated you like that. Just please, don't leave, okay? Don't quit on me, please...." I pleaded looking down at her as my thumb continued on caressing her cheeks.

She looked down, and let out a sob.

"But, im tired..." She breathed out brokenly. "I'm so tired." She sobbed out before looking at me with mixed emotions in her eyes.

"You don't know how much you always hurt me everyday by those mean words you say to me, you don't know h-how i feel when i would walked out of you office with my head down ashamed of how much they might've probably think of how idiot i am because everyday, you'll scream at me. You don't know how i felt so humiliated, so little with everything that you did to m-me. I hate you. I despise you." She whispered the last 2 sentence with full of hatred and dark tone.

I sobbed out, before pulling her in my arms, her head is on my chest, i hold her tightly as i sobbed while chanting an apologies. She kept pushing me, but i made no move on pulling away, that it seemed to might've got in her nerves as she weakly punched me in the chest repeatedly. She's too thin and small than me, so it's no use.

I always told her to eat, and always makes her come with me to eat, because i hate how she looked so malnourished.

Maybe, later the day, i hope to find out what her personal life is really like. I have a feeling that it's nowhere near the words of good life, because of how desperate she is on getting the money, but whatever it will be, i took a mental note on helping her with it, it doesn't matter if she would decline or not, because i will surely do anything to help her, and she can't stop me.

"I know, i know you hate me, it's okay, shhh...there you go, punch me, yell at me, do whatever you want, it's okay..." I said with gentle tone while still holding her tightly.

She kept thrashing around, but i just keep her in lock in my arms, while still whispering comforting words and apologies to her ear occasionally. Fortunately, soon enough, she calmed down.

She's sniffling, and coughing, and she's still shaking, making me feel very worried. I pour a water on the glass with my hand one, while the other is still holding her, then i give it to her.

"Can you drink this for me, darling?" I ask gently, she didn't do anything, so i asked once again.

"Please, drink this? You need to drink water, so you'll still gonna be hydrated." I said softly, and this time, she shook her head.

"I wanna go home..." I sighed defeatedly, i kissed her head and put the glass down.

I took her face with my one hand, pulling it towards me for her gaze to be on me. Her face has no emotions, but her eyes says it all. She's tired, exhausted, even. And i know it's my fault. Her eyes are bloodshot red, same goes to her nose, there's so many stained tears on her cheeks, just by looking at her face made me more mad at myself, and felt extremely more guilty.

"I'm gonna let you go home with your money, I'll even double it, but promise me you're not gonna quit. I mean, even if you really do consider it, i won't let you, but say it to my face that you won't quit, or else-" She cut me off.

"Or else what?" She asked.

"Or else you won't gonna get to step outside, and i will lock you in here." I said with my dominant voice, before silence elope around us.

"Why are you being like this to me?" She asked with the smallest voice, after a minutes of silence.

"Because, i like- love you. I love you, since the first day you walked through my office door, i didn't want to admit it to myself because im scared, but as months passed by, i fell more harder for you, and i-...i couldn't stop it anymore-" She cut me off, once again.

"Please, stop with the bullshit-" I frowned and immediately cut her off.

"Stop saying it's just a bullshit things , because it's not." I said with an offended tone.

"Because it is. How can you say you love me after all the things you have done to me? After how you treated me like shit, as if im just someone who's born to be treated like that?" She quickly interfered making me shut up.

I mean, i have my reasons, but i know deep inside me, it's not that even good enough and too reasonable to say.

I'm too lost in my thoughts because the next thing i know is she easily got out of my arms.

"I won't gonna quit, if you would just give me my money, and let me leave peacefully. And, please, if you really are sorry, stop treating me like an animal, and start treating me like a human." That broke my heart, knowing i really did already got beyond the line.

I was too stunned to speak as all i can do i to watch her her her things, and when she's done, she stopped infront of me. I snapped out of my thoughts, and told her to wait until i get the money. I quickly walk to my office, and took a couple stacks of dollars, that is probably 10x more than her usual payment, but i didn't care.

She frowned when i put it on her hands, then looked at me confusedly.

"It's all yours." I said, with a small smile.

"No, im not gonna accept this just because you pity me or anything." She said while giving me the other stacks, and keeping what is rightfully hers.

"No, you don't have to want it, but i insist. Please, just- just take it." I said, giving her the money, but she shook her head before stepping away from me.

"I don't need that, just give it to those who needs it the most." She said before completely walking away.

I tried to call her, but she just continue to walk until she stopped infront of the elevator. I stand up, running after her as she got in, she turned around and looked at me, tears are visible in her eyes.

"No." She said weakly, but i didn't stopped and continue walking towards the elevator.

"Stop!" She demanded, and i stopped.

I saw the elevator doors closing little by little, a lone tear made its way down on my face, just like hers, but hers are more.

"Y/n..." I called out unknowingly.

"Scarlett..." She quickly said with the same tone as me, as if we're greeting each other, but this one, we have a sad tone.

Soon enough, the elevator closed, i walked towards it completely, before throwing multiple hard punches on it. Tears are now completely streaming down my face, as her name longingly slipped out of my lips while i sob.

Did i lose my chances already?

~~~~~~~~~~

No One's POV:

"Hey, guys- wait, where's my desk?" Y/n was supposed to greet her friend, but stopped mid way as she took notice of her missing desk.

"Oh god, thank god, you're here! We're gonna ask you the same thing!" Samantha exclaimed worriedly, as Gab nodded.

Y/n felt her heart pounding. What if she's been fired? I mean, there's some good things there, she won't gonna experience being with someone so evil, but she's not ready, by the way Scarlett acted yesterday, saying she won't let Y/n quit. So many thoughts run through her mind, as her friends waited for her answer, the raspy voice boomed from the intercom.

"Ms. Y/l/n, come to my office, please."

Surprisingly, Scarlett's voice is not that cold and scary, it's soft, warm, and she even used a please.

"Go, tell us what happened, okay?" Gab said, and Y/n nodded before turning to her heels and walking towards the office with so many thoughts running through her mind.

She knocked on the door, receiving a soft come in, before she completely went inside. Her eyes quickly landed on a extra desk that is on the corner, with boxes on top of it. She averted her gaze and looked at Scarlett, who is looking at her with soft eyes and small smile?

"Come here. Take a seat." Scarlett softly commanded and Y/n nodded obeying what Scarlett had said.

"Uh- Ms. Johansson, may i ask where's my desk? I mean, my work desk, the one where i work, it's not there when i arrive-" Y/n rambled, avoiding Scarlett's eyes as if she's scared, well, she's nervous, but Scarlett's heart shatter at the thought of Y/n being scared of her.

Scarlett swallowed the lump on her throat, before clearing it. "That's actually the reason why i called you here. From now on, you'll be working here, in this office with me. That..." Scarlett pointed at the desk. "..is yours, and your paperwork will be lessen, but you'll gonna be with me- always gonna be with me everyday and everytime." Scarlett explained, Y/n frowned.

"Is my time here is still the same?" Y/n asked, and Scarlett shook her head.

"You'll go home, once i go home. You'll go here, once i go here. So practically, you're time will be from 7 in the morning, to 10 in the evening." Y/n frowned, but she didn't said anything.

What about her job at the convinient store?

It's as if Scarlett can read her mind, Scarlett speak up.

"And your job at the store is gone, but your payment here will be triple, so you don't have to worry about that. I already talked to the owner of the store, and she immediately agreed." Well, more like, she payed the owner.

Triple of my payment? That's too much. Y/n thought.

"Any question, Ms. Y/l/n?" Scarlett asked, and Y/n shook her head.

"None, Ms. Johansson, thank you. I'll be starting my work now." Y/n said and stood up, but Scarlett stopped her.

"Wait." Scarlett immediate said, making Y/n stop and turned her body to face Scarlett, but still not meeting the older woman's gaze. "...can you look at me?...please..." That's all it took for Y/n to look at Scarlett slowly.

Y/n saw many emotions on Scarlett's face, there's a small frown, her lips are in a thin line, her eyes are slightly red and smaller than it usually are.

"Did you already eat?" No.

Y/n nodded.

"Y-yeah, i-i already ate." She didn't, she already sent all her money to her mother, despite her mother's declines and disagreements, she still did.

Tho, she left money for her bills and all, and a little for her food for a week or 2, but, it's just like for, 1 food for a day.

Even with her best lying action, Scarlett still saw right through Y/n, and she took a mental note on putting more food on Y/n's plate later for lunch and dinner.

"Okay, you may go now." Scarlett said with a soft tone, and Y/n nodded before walking to her desk, arranging all her things again.

Days, week, and a few months goes by, it gets better, it's slow, but there's an improvement on their relationship. Unfortunately, not for Y/n's mother's health.

Scarlett always do this little things that made Y/n's heart soften towards the older woman. Everyday she went to work, there's gonna be a food on her desk, when she would look at Scarlett in curiosity, she would see her being busy and all. Tho, there's no name on it, she knows very well that it's from the blonde woman.

And since everyday, they are together, her heart soften more at the little gestures that the woman does to her, she would open up the door for Y/n, she's very kind towards her now, she's not shouting anymore, and! Everyday, and i mean, everyday, and there's even an exact time that Y/n would recieve different types of flowers, she confronted Scarlett about it, but Scarlett just always changes the topic, after saying; "It's from me, now...blah blah blah...."

Sometimes, Y/n catch Scarlett looking at her, then looked away as if she's not been staring at the younger woman's soul. And ofcourse, with all of those things, it did something to Y/n, but she's just too scared to admit it and figure it out for herself.

Until one night, one moment led to something more.

"Hey, did you guys saw Y/n by any chance?" Scarlett asked Y/n's friends, as she look for the small girl at the crowd of so many people.

There's currently a party for a successful year on their company, and Scarlett decided to throw a big party, with everyone who is working for her, along with other business man and woman who they got to collab in this years events.

Scarlett did saw Y/n earlier, but there's so many interruptions here and there, and she lost her girl. Now, she got the chance to find her as the party started, since they already have a great enough relationship with each other, maybe it's time for Scarlett to move?

We don't want anyone getting you instead of Scarlett, do we?

"Oh, yeah, she actually went home already." Samantha said, and Scarlett nodded before saying thank you.

Taking a few deep breaths, Scarlett told the people who are in charge of the party to guide all the people and to finish this in a few hours already, saying she'll gonna call it a night already.

After that, she quickly went to her car, driving as fast as she could to Y/n's house, with a very nervous nerve and afraid feeling. What if she got rejected? No. I mean, either way she'll always gonna find a solutions to get to call Y/n hers.

Soon enough, she arrived. Some lights are still on, thank god, so she knocked 3 times, only to recieve no answer, so she did it again until she got tired and took it on her own hands to get inside, fortunately it not locked. I mean, she's her boss,and she's worried so what's wrong with trespassing inside of her secretary? Nothing.

"Y/n..." She called out softly, but nothing responded, instead as she walk more steps, her heart broke at the sound he heard.

It's Y/n's voice, she knows it, and the girl is clearly crying, and Scarlett became too desperate to find out. Curiosity got the best of her, and wandered around the small apartment more, until she stopped as soon as the sight of Y/n curled up in ball in a small couch went to her gaze.

She sees the girl shaking, sobbing loudly, a wrecked phone beside her feet, as she hold her face in her shaking hands. Y/n's shoulder is shaking violently, and Scarlett took no hesitation on walking towards her, slowly.

"Y/n..." The younger woman's head whipped at the sound of her name, quickly scrambling around to stand up and fix herself.

"Ms. Johansson-, what are you doing here?" Y/n asked avoiding the CEO's gaze.

Y/n looks so broken, even her voice didn't sounded the same, it sounded so timid that it sounded like in any minute, she'll be bursting in tears. Her chest heaved up and down, almost chaotically, making Scarlett more worried.

She's shaking, her shoulders are violently shaking. She's still in her black dress, a dress that made Scarlett completely mesmerized, and became more simp for the younger woman. Even with her situation right now, Scarlett still finds her the most gorgeous woman that she had ever laid her eyes on.

She'll always gonna be the best girl for Scarlett.

"I was looking for you at the party, your friends told me you might've came home already...." Scarlett started off softly as she scanned the girl. "The door is opened, and I let myself in already, I hope you don't mind." Her heart broke at how Y/n looks so defeated.

"Oh- uh no... I don't mind." Y/n's voice is wavering. "W-what- what uhm-... What do you need, Ms. Johansson?" Y/n asked, still avoiding Scarlett's eyes, as she gaze at her broken cheap phone beside her feet.

Instead of answering, Scarlett decided to walk towards her, her feet softly padding on the old floor as she walk towards Y/n who became tensed at the sudden action, but nevertheless, Scarlett continued until she's just a few inches away from Y/n.

"Are you okay?" Scarlett started off softly, before bringing her head up to Y/n's cheeks, wiping some tears off softly. "What happened? Why are you crying, sweetheart?" As much as it warmed Y/n's heart, she gently pulled her face away from Scarlett's hands, making it fall down slowly.

"I-it's nothing-"Y/n was cut off by her own sob, as she uncontrollably broke down once again, her hands quickly going to her face.

"Hey, hey..." Scarlett brought the younger woman in a big hug, almost covering Y/n's whole body with her tall and masculine one.

Y/n's body rocked in sobs as Scarlett hold he tightly, the older woman's hand going up and down on Y/n's back comfortingly.

"Can you tell me what happened? It's okay if you don't want to, but i'm here okay? You can talk to me of whatever. None of that already, please?" Scarlett's voice wavered at the end, her heart breaking at the sight of Y/n and the sound of her loud broken sobs.

"N-no, y-you can g-go, Scarlett. I'll just do w-whatever you want with me t-tommorow..." Y/n tried to get away from Scarlett's grip, pushing her chest away slightly motioning that she wants to get away, but Scarlett only tightened her grip on the younger woman.

"Y/n." Scarlett said softly but sternly, demandingly rather, as if she doesn't want Y/n to do the actions again.

Y/n stopped, before a pit of sobs broke out of her once again, letting her body fall on to Scarlett chest, the comfort of the older woman is spreading her body like a wildfire, making her ask for more.

"Shhhh, it's gonna be okay, my darling. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be with you, I promise, I'll be by your side, yeah?" Scarlett pulled away slightly to have a good look on Y/n, one of her hand is still on Y/n's waist.

"M-mom..." Y/n started, looking down. "My Mom's g-gone, Scarlett... I-i'm all alone now..." Once again, she cried, sobbing loudly before leaning in towards Scarlett.

Scarlett felt her skin became cold, her heart hammered in the inside of her chest.

It can't be. She already gave Y/n's mother the best doctors, and everyday making sure that everything is going well, all that with and without Y/n's knowledge.

Y/n knows that Scarlett is partially helping through her mother's therapy and all, but she didn't know that Scarlett is also the one who's paying for the expenses on the expensive hospital where her mother was in.

Scarlett even met Y/n's mother already, asking for her mother's blessing on having Y/n as her girlfriend, which Y/n's mother already gave Scarlett freely. Being the charming woman she is, she always visited Y/n's mother until she got what she wanted, showing her good intentions and all.

All that without Y/n's knowledge, but that enough for Scarlett to be calm knowing that no one can have her girl, except her and her only.

But now, Y/n's mother is gone, it saddened her, broke her heart even, she became utterly close with the woman, treating her like her own mother, while the woman treated her like she's her own daughter.

A part of her is somehow, relieved, thinking that Y/n's mother is already at peace, and knowing that she already promised to Y/n's mother that she'll protect her daughter for forever and eternity.

And she will.

She will never let Y/n feel that she's alone, she's here.

"I'm here." Scarlett said with much determination.

"I will always gonna be here, no matter how much you pushed me away, or whatever. And if you'll let me, I will give you the love I have been meaning to give you all along." Scarlett said softly, and hearing Y/n's sobs quite down she became nervous, as Y/n slowly look up at Scarlett with mixed emotions in her eyes.

Y/n doesn't know if she wants to believe what she's hearing or not, Scarlett had already shown her every thing for her to confirm that the older woman has a feelings for her, she fell for it, and now, hearing Scarlett saying this, it somehow brought the chaotic thoughts calm down about Scarlett in her mind.

And as they look at each other in each passing seconds, both of their hearts grew, and from that moment, Scarlett knew that everything she had been waiting for, the 'forever' she's been looking for, for so long, has now been found.

Her forever is now found.

And she doesn't have any intention of letting it slipped out of her hand, not for forever.

#scarlett johansson x reader #natasha romanoff angst #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha x reader #scarlett johansson imagine

[autistic-squid]

"Being autistic doesnt mean I'm disabled. I don't suffer. I just have it. It's part of my personality and that's okay. Stop putting me and yourself into a victim box!"

There is so much wrong with this viewpoint, and in this post, i will be calling out what's wrong with this viewpoint and also to call out its' creator (autisticafghan).

I am going to ramble, rant, vent so excuse me if my post may not be fully understandable.

First of all, the first point of the short post is wrong and i don't agree with that in any way shape or form. Do you not know that to be diagnosed, you have to be somewhat impaired or DISABLED by this disorder?? Even if you are low support needs, you are still impaired by the disorder.

Also, you say it like you think being disabled is wrong and would lead to your being less than automatically. That in itself is kind of wrong, because being disabled in the context of autism is still bad, but using that word to describe isn't good or bad, it's simply a statement.

You will suffer from it, no threat, but you definitely will and probably already are if you're formally diagnosed. If you struggle with social communication, inflexibility of behaviour or any kind of symptoms outlined in the DSM-5, you would be considered autistic, doubly so if you are self diagnosed.

While, yes, some of the people within the autism community can consider it a quirky personality trait and that's okay! But you can't say it's that for everyone, especially those who have higher support needs and are more impaired by autism than you are. They need AAC, a caretaker and so much more support than you and i can dream of needing.

And, the last point is the thing that is making me more infuriated! It is fine to consider yourself as being disabled or as a person with disabilities, as it is simply just a statement! While it's fine for you to not prefer doing that, telling others not to is worse and kind of gives gatekeeping vibes if you know what i mean.

So, autistic afghan, while i understand some of your points, most of what you posted was wrong and is exactly like aspie supremacy. Please reword it or clarify what you actually mean.

Listen to everyone in the autism community, and you'll learn that there are not just level 1/low support needs individuals, but a whole lot more of individuals with autism who may not always agree with your points.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and continue to grow!

@autisticafghan, this is of course about your post.

#actually autistic #audhd #autistic #neurodivergent #actuallyautistic #level 1 autism #low support needs

[sevikasleftpussyflap]

How would Sevika interact with an autistic reader? I wanna know could she deal with me:D

I love this one! I included autistic traits that I have (I have never been diagnosed, so not saying I am, sorry for the inaccuracies) but if there are some you had specifically in mind just let me know! Also reader works for Silco

The Undercity is full of odd people so Sevika can handle just about anything

When she first met you she did find it amusing that you didn't make eye contact with her, instead focusing on her feet or a spot over her shoulder

She barely got you to speak which she didn't mind. When the two of you were in a room together, it'd be a comfortable silence for her

The first time you spoke it scared the shit out of her, even though the only reaction she showed was he widening of her eyes

It was the same routine, you two in the break room and her re calibrating her arm like usual. The only difference was that you had asked her a question about her prosthetic

You flocked to her as she started explaining, taking an unusual interest in the mechanics of it. You actually kind of make her nervous with that intense stare

So she's talking, and you just interrupt. Butting in with an "Actually-" and telling her how her own shit operates. She is not amused but you do not take the hint

It bothers her that when she checks with Singed, you turn out to be right

Now you just latch onto her, gravitating towards her like a moth to light whenever you see her

Once she mentions something you're interested in, you're going a mile a minute. She can hardly get a word in but she's honestly kind of... fascinated. Not with whatever you're talking about, that's boring as shit, but she's smitten with how overexcited you get.

You realize you've been making prolonged eye contact during a rant and you start glancing away. She'll step back into your line of sight with a smirk. It's cruel, but she likes it when you're flustered.

If you're really good at masking, she won't notice anything until you get closer in your relationship

Honestly just thinks you're fucking weird

One of your quirks would be your hell-bent insistence on planning anything before doing it. You don't let her surprise you, at all. If she deviates from your usual schedule, maybe going to the bar instead of directly heading to the gambling table one day, you get STRESSED

Your hand will tug at her cape and then she's looking down at you, more specifically, your hand, irritated at the offending limb that's delaying her drink

"Um, babe. We go to the table first, then bar." You explain to her like it's common sense. She'll sigh, roll her eyes, head to the table just to sit down and stand back up before heading to the bar. "There"

The Last Drop overstimulates the hell out of you. She'll get you some noise-cancelling headphones or a booth with a drape to block out flashing lights

When you're anxious you complain as a coping mechanism. She knows this and asks "Do you want advice, or someone to listen?"

She'll also understand how masking can be exhausting for you and doesn't take it personally when your social battery runs out

When you don't want to be touched, you get very upset. It's not her fault because it can happen in a flash. You'll be fine up until you're suddenly not but it's hard to voice how you feel

You'll get bitchy with her and ignore/curtly respond to any of her efforts at making conversation. Surprisingly, she's very understanding and will give you space if that's what you want. If she needs to hold you, she'll do that too.

When you DO want to be touched, you're overly clingy. She'll be on duty trying to intimidate some poor soul and it's hard to do that with you hanging off her arm

Sometimes you're dogshit at understanding social cues. Which is a doozy because her tone is very dry 90% of the time.

Sevika needs to beat some guy unconscious for some reason so she hints at you to leave the room

"Why don't you get me some more whisky?" Everyone's tense. None are meeting the pleading eyes of the poor, stupid soul that decided to try and cheat Sevika at cards. Her glass presses against your chest but her eyes never leave the asshole who's currently pissing his pants. You eye her full glass. "That's already full-" "I'm gonna beat the shit out of this guy, baby." She'll say bluntly. "Oh."

Sometimes her teasing will become too much for you and she has to clarify that she doesn't actually want you dead

When she's injured, had a long day, you don't quite get that it's not the best time to be criticizing her habits

Sevika's arm is gone. All that's left is scrap metal and wires sticking out of an exposed socket. She's struggling to light a cigar and holds it out to you pleadingly. "That's the 10th one you've had today, I thought you were cutting back- sorry, sorry" She releases the most frustrated groan.

Or, "The metal seems a bit rusted here, Sevika have you been taking care of it?" and half her arm's fucking missing

You do not realize when someone's hitting on you and it drives her up the fucking wall

If you're in meetings with Silco, you have a bad habit of interrupting him but he's actually very patient with you aww~

If he’s in a bad mood, Sevika will clamp a hand over your mouth to keep you from interrupting him and turning that rage on you

Sevika's sarcastic comments fly over your head at Mt Everest altitude

Silco's leaning against the desk, smoking a cigar freshly lit by Sevika. "Hm. I guess we should just give into their demands then." Sevika huffs at the sardonic quip. "I'll tell my boys to stand down, let the shimmer go up in flames." "Guys, really? We have the numbers to beat them I don't know why-" You cut yourself off at Sevika's deadpan look. Silco has his cigar-holding hand pinching his brow between thumb and forefinger. "Oh, you're joking."

OKAY OMG you swaddle yourself in Sevika's cape and create a little sensory therapy swing for yourself one time when you're really bored at a card game

You'd be so still in there she'd nearly forget where you were

She'll sometimes not even notice you're tangled in it and stand up, there's a loud tearing noise and then you hit the ground

"What the fuck-" "Why did you move??"

You're both pissy until you sleep it off then it's like it never happened

#arcane sevika x reader #sevika imagine #sevika x reader

[brrrkdslek]

QUADRILATERAL LOVE!

✦ 014 — WONYOUNG STRIPPER ERA⁉️💸🤑

the four girls ran down the streets as they reached a cafe, in front of it was no other than ms jang wonyoung having her pictures taken by yeosang as san stood at the side awkwardly.

"yah, wonyoung!" chaewon marched towards the two as wonyoung immediately scurry behind yeosang. he physically held his breath at the smell of her, "nooo get away!"

the other two girls at your side shared a look before charging to tackle wonyoung to the ground. you decided to go buy a latte inside the cafe since it was early. san watched you walk into the cafe, following like a lost puppy.

as you were about to pay, san slid his card across the counter and flashed you his usual gentle smile. "san! you were there? i didn't even see you." you gave him a warm hug as he returned the hug, he could hear his heart beating through his ears.

you two chat a bit when you were waiting for your latte. "ugh, i can't believe you were the mc! i'm so jealous of the other guys, i wanna mc with you too!" you found it amusing how san whined and stomped his feet on the ground like a baby.

you giggled at his antics and pat his head with him freezing on the spot, "it's fine, besides i can see you everyday if i wanted to, right?" his cheeks reddened as he nodded shyly, melting into your touch.

"vanilla latte!" you jogged over to the counter when you heard one of the baristas call for your order. after you retrieved your drink, you and san left the cafe and started to walk back towards the dorms with the others a few streets ahead of you.

"so... i watched your recent live." your eyes widen as you blushed a bit, looking down. "oh, haha. honestly it was kinda embarrassing to talk about." you turned to look at him, the way he was staring at you made your stomach turn.

"you're staring." you point out, "oh..! sorry- but the live was good, i loved listening to you talk about how you produced and wrote the songs. i almost cried when you talked about the concept and the meaning behind the song and lyrics!" he rubbed the back if his neck,

"really? was it that good?" "definitely! i also think it's impressive how you started making money for your family at 14, personally i would die." he looked at how you became quiet after he brought up your family. "a-ah! i'm sorry for bringing up a sensitive topic, i was just amazed by how well you do things..."

you turned and gave him a small smile, "no it's absolutely okay if we talk about this. i was just thinking, that's all! ask me anything." san swore his heart stopped for a second when you smiled at him. "could you tell me about your brother...?" he saw how your smile slightly dropped at that, "you don't have to! i was just curious since-"

"boomi." "what?" "his name is boomi, he's 11 this year." "that's such a cute name!" he smiled at the thought of a little brother, "which school does he go to?" "ah... he doesn't go to school actually." he read through you really easily, your face said it all. "you don't have to force yourself to talk about it if you don't want to." he pat your back in encouragement.

you were quiet for a few seconds before speaking up again, "no, it's about time i talked about it with someone. chae said it's not healthy if i avoid it all the time, but i hope you won't openly tell people." san reassures you and tells you to keep talking.

"boomi actually suffers from leukemia. it's been a few years since he was first diagnosed," san's expression dropped for a while, just as he was about to speak up, you cut him off. "don't tell me 'i'm so sorry', or 'that's horrible'. i don't want to hear it."

"...is he doing well?" you took a sip from your latte, "currently, yes. the doctors said he might be able to go outside next week, he was so excited and talked about it nonstop when i went to visit him a few days ago." you smile to yourself as the picture of boomi jumping around the garden played.

you looked at him with your pretty eyes, making him flustered for a bit. "he's actually a huge fan of ateez! he was so happy when i brought hongjoong to see him a few months back. he really wants to meet the rest of the guys in the future!" he cocks his heaad in confusion.

"hyung met him before?" "oh yeah! me and joong actually gotten pretty close during my trainee years, we hit it off since we both liked rapping and producing. he decided to take me as his 'daughter' and taught me everything he knew about producing and rapping.

the reason i got this far was mainly because of his help, we talk to each other about our problems and things related all the time! he's a great person to he around and i love making music with him."

san got a bit jealous hearing how close you were with hongjoong, "do you think we could build that kind of relationship too?" you blushed a bit, he looked so much like a little puppy, so cute. "of course! we'll get there eventually." you two walked in comfortable silence as you neared the dorms.

you bidded him goodbye but before you could walk away, san pulled you into a warm hug. "y'know i'm so proud of you, y/n. you've been working so hard all this time, you're literally so amazing...!" your eyes watered as you felt your cheeks heat up.

"thanks... i really needed that." san cooed at you and kissed your forehead a few times before his phone rang in his pocket, "ah, crap! i had practice today and i totally forgot, gotta go!" he planted one last kiss on your forehead before running off towards the company building.

you stood dumbfounded for a few more seconds before you turned and went back to the dorms.

<PREV𖤐NEXT>

©BRRRKDSLEK 2023

#jongho x reader #mingi x reader #seonghwa x reader #hongjoong x reader #ateez smau #san x reader #wooyoung x reader #yeosang x reader #yunho x reader #ateez fanfic #ateez x reader #ateez

[terminalisms]

caved so quick to the 2nd muse impulse o mein gott......throwing sejoon into the mix with another minimal stats page + round two of rambly character intros 😵‍💫 if u are interested in plotting just like this post or add me on discord!! (tip.toph) 🥰

tw! mentions of terminal illness, death of a parent

only son to 2 anomalies. plain jane working class background

in a past life, dad is still a top tier hardboiled detective who doesn't gotta think about the fact he has a wife and kid at home

in this one, mom is inconveniently out of the picture for......... [vague gestures] reasons and he has to hunker down into single father life fast. ends up opening a restaurant in order to be able to provide

but in spite of all of this his childhood isn't so bad! he and his dad are close despite obvious stark differences in personality, which can be summed up as naive softie vs cynical hardass. even if sejoon's too trusting ways has dad up at night wondering how the hell is this kid gonna survive on his own

also dad: [does the absolute most to keep him shielded and sheltered cause he's Seen Things and as a parent's bare minimum that means letting a kid being a kid. which means shoving things deep under a rug and the default response to any inkling of curiosity being "Don't worry about it"]

until sejoon's anomaly kicks in at 12-13 by making a patron's chair float on accident and his dad's like k. better late than never......

its a little (ok a lot) hard to coach sejoon through controlling his abilities considering dad's own anomaly is not anything remotely close to moving things w his mind (its memory manipulation btw for some hwang fam #trivia) and sejoon is like ): but this is so cool why shouldnt i wanna show it off......

their deeply anti-anomaly district with equally staunchly anti-anomaly neighbors, friends, politicians being a VERY good reason not to: (:

dad: wear this patch thingie. dont ask why just do what i say

(thank god for nullivi huh like seriously)

doesnt stop the bubble bursting with when people realize ur not "human" they treat u different but ykw.........the sun is still shining and the world is much much bigger than their humble slice of daegu for EVERYONE to be that way

sua's open for admissions just around the time sejoon's thinking about higher ed AND broadening his horizons. gets in on arts scholarship and off he goes

baby bird leaving the nest turns fish out of the water. college and seoul are a bit of an adjustment but exciting all the same. and he does thrive! gets involved in the sporting rallies, really developing his artistic vision, has a social life, and gets to be his #true self among fellow anomalies the whole enchilada

things only really go downhill in the last 6 months of his undergrad with 2 wrecking balls: a devastating breakup and (TW: ILLNESS, DEATH) his dad being diagnosed by stage iv lung cancer

its right after graduation that sejoon immediately falls off the face of the earth for 3 years to be his father's sole caretaker until his death (END OF TW) no one i mean no one knows what he was doing or where he is

but hes back now to do his mfa!! let the bella loca where the hell have u been-isms begin

vibe wise hes bright, social, easy to talk to but can also be kind of spacey eccentric and the ultimate pacifist. the type that makes u feel like u guys are sooo close but then when u reflect ur like actually idk if i really know much about him at all (which!! is not totally intentional he just makes for a better listener and is great at making conversation about what YOU have to say). these days that same can do energy is there but it doesnt feel the same if u look too close but its fine!!! everything is fine

plots that are marginally better than the first time around but not by much:

friends who were blindsided by him going mia without warning

friends who are gracious enough (or equally ??????? avoidant? weird even) to pick up where they left off like nothing happened in the first place

people who dont even know who he is so like none of the above for his sob story doesnt even really matter

this is really really limited to one (1) person but somebody who managed to run into him in the three years that he was laying low

will require extensive plotting but the ex......not necessarily endgame but i am in the mood for some bittersweet woulda shoulda coulda's, angst and answering the penultimate question of: why did we break up?

former teammates? i imagine he was part of house samjoko during undergrad

ur a stranger feeling nosy and ur ultimate mission is figuring out where hes been. he lets u speculate

u need someone to do ur graphics. can be contractual pro bono whatevah.......

im running out of steam here but i am open to it all please hmu

#nm:intro #ooc.toph #this was supposed to be up saturday morning but irl got in the way #dms 🔜 once i get some sleep!!!!

[petersthree]

do u think sophie and iverson will be able to "break free" from the roy mess? quotes bc ik that's a very nebulous concept (is it going no-contact w/ kendall, is it publically disavowing atn and waystar-royco in adulthood, is it not competing to be the next "successor," etc.). part of me think there's a chance that there wasn't w/ kendall, shiv, connor and roman bc sophie and iverson have rava who while not perfect does seem to see and acknowledge and want clear of the flaws of the roy dynasty. i guess it'd depend on if kendall follows thru w/ the custody threats, or if he does and loses, how much of a presence he has in their lives... but i do still find myself comparing the current four's set up of caroline (absent) and logan (malicious) to sophie and iverson's w/ rava (present, actively working against the family history affecting them)

Aaah I love this question! Like you said, it very much depends on if Kendall gets custody or not - which I don't think he's really gonna do, it feels like an empty threat in the same way that he said he was going to block the car and then let it drive away. But anything is possible so!

If Kendall gets custody: Those kids are fucked lmao. Not to the extent that the adult Roy siblings are fucked, they might be like. Shiv and Connor Lite but I think being with Ken they'd have to deal with periods of him being absent for a while and periods of him being incredibly invested, and those periods might come with either rapid anger or trying to build up some grand plans for them. I don't think they'd be as bad off as Shiv & Tom's kid is going to be, but still.

If Ken doesn't get custody: I think they'll be fine, more or less. One of the big things is because of Rava. Rava seems the most like. Sane person lmao? They obviously profit off the riches of the family, but Rava has a good head on her shoulders and clearly cares about the kids. There's also the fact that while the actors have spoken about how with their characters, there's a lot of things that were ignored or weren't acknowledged (ie Roman being sexually abused as a child, Connor having ADHD, both Brian Cox & Alan Ruck believing Con probably also has autism, Ken's addiction, etc. etc. etc.) they are acknowledged with Sophie and Iverson. Iverson is diagnosed, Sophie is visibly brown lol, Rava and Ken immediately deal with the fallout of Logan hitting Iverson, Rava makes sure to protect Sophie at every turn and listen to her about her fears and anxiety about ATN. And alongside that, they seem to have actual friends - like with what Rava says about there being an anti-ATN group at school that has helped Sophie a lot. They'll probably still have some slip-ups, they are insanely rich and Kendall's impact isn't a net-zero thing, he's still their father and there's going to be issues there and being part of this family, but I think ultimately with Rava and their life outside of Waystar they'll be okay, at worst probably like Greg in the pilot where he barely works and complains it's other people's fault or self righteous about their family while still actively benefitting from and enjoying the wealth they get lmao

Honesty hour - ask me literally anything!

#succession spoilers #chirpchirpmuahaha #janie gets asks #this was so long winded lmao

[theparadoxmachine]

I need to explain why this man means so much to me.

I grew up in the 90s, actually a little too young to have watched him the first go around. But growing up, I feel like every show I watched had a storyline where the main character has to learn the lesson Be Yourself. And that's a fine message. But those characters were specifically designed to appeal to a mass audience of kids. They were everyman style characters. And frankly, it's easier to Just Be Yourself when you're an everyman and the weirdest thing about you is that you still play with Barbies in middle school (everyone did this I think) I liked those characters fine too. There's nothing wrong with Lizzie MacGuire or Ginger Foutley. But they weren't me. The characters that most resembled me were usually in episodes where the lesson was Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover. See it's a lot harder to swallow the lesson of "Just be yourself! Give people a chance to know the real you!" When you're weird. And I was WEIRD.

I now realize that I am in fact a traumatized, mentally ill neurodivergent queer woman, but back then I was a Weird Girl. So yeah good for you Lizzie, you're not getting bullied for ribbon dancing but what were my peers supposed to do with someone like me? I was reading Poe at the age of 8. I was quiet and liked fire and wanted to be a war goddess while being afraid of everything. The family joke was that I was actually from another planet. I was processing trauma I didn't know I had while listening to John Williams and Fleetwood Mac while everyone else was listening to Hansen and the Spice Girls. I loved reading about curses and cryptids and medieval torture devices. No amount of just be yourself messages from cartoon preteens was going to cut it.

But then there was Pee-wee. Pee-wee was WEIRD. His entire thesis statement was weirdness. He was the Patron Saint of Weirdos. He looked me dead in my eyes and, as Paul said on Portlandia, told me BEING WEIRD IS NOT A CRIME. When someone with a pet pterodactyl and a talking armchair tells you it's ok to be yourself, you fucking believe them. He walked the weird walk and took as many weirdos along with him as were willing to join him. And there were many it turns out.

Would Pee-wee think my love of horror and death was weird? Probably. Would he think it was weird that I make friends with moths and wasps and spiders and snakes? Yeah. But you better believe he'd take one look at my gothy apartment and put me right at the top of his list of people to call when it was time to decorate for Halloween. I'd have been on the guest list for his Halloween parties every year. Because being weird wasn't something that needed to be forgiven or tolerated. Being weird is a GOOD thing.

I have had such a strange emotional journey lately but where I've landed now is this. I'm not sure I can live for myself right now. But I'm going to do my best to stick around. For him. For Pee-wee and for Paul. Because I know he'd want me to. He'd want me to live and be weird and rejoice in my weirdness.

And he was always there. During bouts of depression and hardship, through all my health problems. His natural soft speaking voice always resonated at the perfect frequency to calm me down during my anxiety attacks. When I was stuck at home with spinal fluid draining into my brain, I played Pee-wee's Big Adventure, because it made me happy and because the dvd always restarted without prompting so I never had to get up if I lost the remote amongst my messed up sheets.

I met him in 2017. I pushed back all my social anxiety and went alone to my first convention because he was going to be there. Doing the terrible math, this would have been around the time he probably got diagnosed. I will be forever glad I went. I was speechless but I shook his hand and held it and tried to thank him, to convey without words how and why he's one of my favorite people in the whole world. The line for the meet and greet was over 2 hours long. He had to leave in the middle to get something to eat. He went to every single person in line and apologized and promised he would be back. I regret I'll never get to bring him muffins. But he was by all accounts one of the sweetest men in the world and I'm going to spend a lot of time missing him. And rejoicing in my weirdness. Because being weird is not a crime. Because he'd want me to. Because weirdos have to stick together.

And given the people I met at that convention, I think it's safe for me to paraphrase the words of Blanche Devereaux here and say, if love can help you wherever you are, you've got it. More than you could ever know.

I love you and I miss you.

#paul reubens #pee wee herman #tw suicidal ideation #tw depression #this hurts so badly #i want to get my work done and go home but i had to get this out #pardon any errors i am upset and i am on mobile #i think i may take a mental health day this week #even in this post I've toned down the weird shit i was into as a kid #i was fascinated by the age of sail #particularly disciplinary measures aboard ships #for some reason #i was reading creepy urban legends about mysterious death cults while I was still in elementary school #i needed help but also someone to say there's nothing wrong with you #nothing wrong with being you #but it's hard when people say one thing and treat you another

[amewinterswriting]

Fun Facts About Me Tag

Tagged by @ahordeofwasps - thanks, friend!

I'll leave this one as an OPEN tag because I'm not sure how many people have done this one already. So do it if you want, and have fun!

A scent you love:

Vanilla. I'm actually allergic to an ingredient in a lot of scents and perfumes so I have to be super careful about any kind of artificial scents, including but not limited to air fresheners, deodorant, body sprays, bathing products, makeup, laundry detergent, washing up liquid, scented toilet paper, scented sanitary products, scented bin bags... (I didn't even know you could get scented bin bags, that last one drove me crazy trying to work out what was setting me off). I've narrowed down that MOST perfumes/scented products from LUSH and The Body Shop are the cheapest safest thing I can use (I have also worked out that very expensive perfumes from Penhaligons or Channel don't set me off either but I'm also not made of money) The Body Shop does a very nice pure vanilla perfume that is my go to daily scent but any blend that has vanilla in is always nice. Very comforting and warm.

What's something you're looking forward to this week?

Getting any little snatches of relaxation I can now that Christmas (silly season) has started. Even if that means napping while @red-pen-ally plays chill farming games.

What's a book you're currently reading?

Unmasking Autism by Dr Devon Price. I really recommend it for fellow neurospicy folks, especially late diagnosed/high-masking folk, but it could also be a good resource for people with autistic friends or family who just want to know more about the neurotype from the perspective of people who are autistic. The book covers a lot of ground, from simply coming to terms with being autistic to exploring what life could look like if you unmask in some aspects of life and how to start going about it.

What's a game you're currently playing?

Cultist Simulator. It's a roguelike card-based narrative game where you start with nothing (except maybe a desire for some occult power) and have to create and build a cult to amass power, resources and dedicate yourself towards whatever desire you have. But you will have to manage problems such as dread, fascination, running out of money, sickness and pesky meddlers who will turn you in to the authorities for your dream crimes. And possibly all those bodies stuffed inside your cupboard. If you enjoy the narrative style of Fallen London, you'll like this.

What's the most recent movie you watched?

I realised I really don't watch many movies these days. Not really through a concentrated effort, I just never seem to find the time. However, I did recently learn that @red-pen-ally has never seen The Neverending Story, so I am definitely going to parcel out some time to traumatise her share this lovely childhood memory with her.

Are you watching anything on TV or listening to any shows?

Actively, no. The Great British Bakeoff is often on in the house, but I've not been following it super closely. If we tend to watch anything, it's usually odd videos on YouTube.

Favourite season?

Autumn. Cozy season, lots of comfy clothes, not too hot, not freezing cold, cocoa is always socially acceptable, pumpkin spice is in everything and Christmas treats start to become available.

What's something you've learned recently?

Not really learnt but had this one confirmed with science: autistic people aren't any worse at communicating effectively than allistic people (despite medical model of disability often labeling it as a communication-based disorder). Autistic people can usually communicate with autistic people just fine. Often, they can communicate with allistic people well enough, too, though this can often be very taxing as they have to translate the communication on their end. Allistic people, on the other hand, often fail to communicate effectively even with other allistic people, due to preferring less direct language and more euphemisms or talking around the subject. They also tend to draw conclusions and react based on perceived data instead of actual data. Which is wild when they label autistic folk as the one with the communication difficulty.

Have you had any water lately?

Coffee has water in it, that totally counts, right? Right?

#tag games #ame talks #fun facts #writblr

[vapidfirefly]

SOIL SCIENCE AND PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEYRE DOING

Genuinely listening to a soil scientist or master horticulturalist ramble about literally any topic always results in a massive density of information. So many plant-tubers and tik tokers can give you tips, they may even have plants that thrive, but they can't exactly tell you -why-

"I use this product and it works! go buy it!"

Well why does it work? Is it tested and certified? do you know if this is a Fertilizer? a soil conditioner? does it work with organic systems?? Are there papers backing it up at all???

"I dunno! use my affiliate link!!"

and everyone has such wildly different home environments and climates and windows sizes that just saying "do x" without having a deep understanding of the conditions present means!! A-lot!! and houseplants don't have to be complicated but a lot of people fail at having a green thumb because nothing is explained properly. Some people do extremely well and don't realize it's mostly because they have large unobstructed windows whereas the person struggling is dealing with a north facing window covered by buildings and tree's and thinking their friend just grows em better and gets discouraged.

Listen to someone who studies this or does it professionally and they can give you broadly helpful tips backed by science with measurable improvements to back it up, rather than the SEA of AI written or regurgitated information. If you ask how to take care of a plant to google, you have to DIG to find relevant, helpful, GOOD info that isn't just spewed from the mouths of people shooting in the dark and having success.

"place plant in indirect light, fast draining soil, let it dry out before watering" - houseplant tips dreamed up by the utterly deranged, incurious, and actively unhelpful to anyone and harmful for beginners!! THEY HAVE PLAYED US FOR ABSOLUTE FOOLS!

My 'indirect light' Monstera can sit in sunlight all damn day AND THEY GROW IN FULL SUNLIGHT IN THE WILD!! Why then, does everyone think they can thrive in a semi dim corner of your house?? Why are you telling me my Hoya Kerii, a semi succulent that needs tons of full sun to thrive will do just fine getting like, 1 or two hours of it. It will not grow! It may even lose leaves and suffer!! (That hoya has thrown tantrums for months and I thought I was to blame!!)

I didn't know what VPD was! I didn't know the real difference between organic and synthetic fertilizers or what nutrient cycling was! I didn't know the benefits of algae growth in your soil and the indicators of a healthy micro-biome! WHATS HUMIC ACID, WOW LOOK AT THE SCIENCE BACKING UP HOW FUCKING HELPFUL IT IS! So much info shoved aside in favor of 'quick plant hacks' that barely contribute anything to your actual development of understanding how to make your Rare tropicals and indoor garden thrive!!

GO WATCH THE CHANNEL "GARDENING IN CANADA" AND BE AMAZED AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT THEYRE DOING!! Some of their vids only have like, 3k views and they were more helpful in understanding and diagnosing issues I had than people posting full ass houseplant guides

#Houseplant #Houseplants #Horticulture #Plants #Soil Science #Botany

[saraminia]

Listen, I think it is like this: tumblr/imtherain/731351928324440064/legitimately-talked-to-a-therapist-about-this-sort

like, he's just a guy, and yeah, you should be attempting to live your actually life instead of obsessing over him, but also your brain is injured and trying its best to get you through it

God I wish therapy was an option, anon. But I just can't afford it. But I've pretty much learned to live with this brain of mine. There's some pretty severe trauma at play in the background, but also I'm bipolar and that's not ever going away, so I've been kind of forced to become an expert on picking up on these moods and recognizing when I'm headed towards an episode. Which is good because it gives me the opportunity to change my medication accordingly and gives me a chance to try and use the methods I have to help with coping. Right now I'm just trying to make sense of where I'm headed mentally. But I also need to constantly remind myself that feelings are a positive thing, it's normal to feel things and it's not an automatic sign of mental illness. It's a trauma response to think it is. Before I got diagnosed, I wasn't always able to trust my feelings. Also yeah, he's just a guy, but aren't we all. Like, we're all just some guy and still we feel things for each other. The question really is, what do we do with those feelings and are they preventing me from living my life. And what I do, is talk about them on Tumblr dot com to my long suffering audience of a handful of mutuals and followers. Now the question of whether these feelings are preventing me from living my life, is more complex, since I don't really have much of a life to begin with. I study and I work and that's it. Anyway to say I'm obsessing over him is a bit of a stretch, since I've seen in fandoms how it is when people obsess over celebrities. Like people whose sense of reality starts to blur and they truly think they know the private life of or have some say in the life of the celebrity and they meddle and harass them and their friends and spouses etc. and need to know where they are at all times and with whom and doing what. That shit is legitimately scary. I don't think I'm at any risk of going insane like that and I feel like as long as I'm still in touch with reality and keep clear boundaries, I'm fine. Basically I'm only hurting myself. I just sometimes wish I wasn't. Would be a nice change if feeling things didn't hurt.

#riikka talks

[peachesnabsinthe]

Almost Two Weeks of Unemployment

** Tw/cw: This post contains discussions on chronic physical and mental illness. Things that may be discussed include personal medical diagnoses, treatment, and disability. Please be mindful before reading!**

So it has been almost 2 weeks of unemployment for me. It's been so difficult. I didn't think that I would take it so rough.

I did have my doctors appointment on Monday, and I was diagnosed with hEDS and POTS ( I have a whole list of other diagnoses as well, being disabled is SO FUN hahaHagfljsdga). It has been a very, very LONG and tedious process and I'm beyond exhausted. I've honestly been struggling with pretty severe suicidal ideation as well (don't worry, I'm fine, and any fellow folks struggling with this as well, I see you, and I feel you, and you're gonna be fine too believe it or not). I had been afraid of losing my job and my life drastically changing due to my physical health for many years, and now that it's happening, I've been struggling with such overwhelming grief.

However, I KNOW that this is the best decision I made, BECAUSE of the lifestyle changes that I'm going to have to make in order to get back to living more comfortably (and of course to just function in a more healthy/sustainable way). I already have an XRAY appointment set up to look at my neck/shoulder, hips, and hands. I am also going to start the Dallas-Levine Exercise Protocol soon, though I really need to do some research on whether or not I even have access to a Physical Therapist or someone/something to assist me (I'm honestly nervous to do it on my own, I sometimes injure myself just doing basic, low-impact 10 minute yoga videos).

I'm also incredibly lucky and incredibly grateful that my partner, friends and family have been so supportive and kind about everything going on. The majority of them don't know how to handle this, which is understandable because it's a lot and I don't know how to handle it either! I don't need anyone to give me tips or any advice, just them listening and holding space for me is so helpful. I am able to stop working and have the ability and privilege now to JUST focus on my health, and not many people get to do this. My new health insurance situation appears to be good, and I have a new PCP that actually gives a shit about me. And in this godforsaken country and state (howdy Okies), that's a damn good thing! Don't EVEN get me started on a healthcare discussion, I'm apparently not supposed to get too agitated or else my POTS flares up lmfaaaoo so I won't go there.

But yea. It's been rough. This week so far has been pretty intense. It's so hard trying to deprogram myself. All my life I have been told that I'm too sensitive, I'm a baby, you're just weak, it's not that bad, people have it worse than you, etc. and FUCK. ALL. THAT. NONSENSE. Zoë was a sick child, and is still a sick adult, and that's fine! Now I get to do what I need to do to heal myself, and it fucking sucks and seems miserable right now, but I'm alive and I have to keep going. Because there's still things to experience, even if I have to experience them in a way that is different from everyone else. My body and brain will never be like other people's, and that's okay! I get to deprogram and learn how to live my life in a way that will be best for me.

All that to say, if you are also struggling with mental and/or physical illness, you're not alone. and I see you.

#chronic illness #tw chronic illness #disability #tw disability #hypermobile ehlers danlos #ehlers danlos syndrome #pots syndrome #actually autistic #spoonie #personal #online journal #digital diary #journal #personal post #diaryposting

[uinuvien]

Now that I have learned I have ADHD and gotten it diagnosed (thanks to Teen Wolf fics, btw) it has kinda started to bother me when people write Stiles as having ADHD and taking Adderall AND drink coffee AND be just fine.

Yeah, I take Conserta, not Adderall, but as far as I can tell, the same thing happens with both if drinking coffee and you know what that is?

Anxiety.

"I have accidentally driven myself to meltdowns with a nice cup of latte" levels of anxiety.

Drinking coffee while medicated for ADHD can also make you jittery, and some people actually get this right (accidentally or not), but I have also seen Stiles written to have that reaction to Adderall alone, which would indicate that he doesn't actually have ADHD (I saw a theory sometime ago that he actually has childhood PTSD misdiagnosed as ADHD and I think that was a very good point)

Also, while not everyone with ADHD react to caffeine the same way, it's really common that caffeine and other stimulants can make us tired and sleepy and it can also be used as a "stabilizer". I have accidentally and intentionally made myself fall asleep with energy drinks more than once when I misjudged the amount, but I have also managed to stabilize myself when I was ricocheting between fatigue and vibrating out of my skin in 5 minute intervals and calm down anxiety. I got addicted to tea when I was 10 and later in cola which in a hindsight were my unconscious attempts at self-medicating. They didn't and still don't make myself not-tired but they make it bit easier to focus when not medicated.

This very poorly structured post was brought to you by me forgotting to take my meds this morning and trying to patch things up with caffeine (because taking my meds after certain points means I won't sleep that night) and kinda failing and also making a mistake couple days ago and forgotting to order decaf latte and needing to listen EDM music on high volume to counter the resulted anxiety that almost made me throw up ✌️

#teen wolf #stiles stilinski #adhd #what is post structure?

[hell0mega]

oh i think it's that tweet that just posted from my queue about having a system with socks. literally no mention of autism, instead the tweet uses "ND" and i have adhd... so it still applies...

listen, i never get actually upset at mean anons because 99% of the time they're idiots, like that one, but often what they say perplexes me. because those 99% are so up their ass in secretly wanting to be a bad person and make others feel bad because they feel bad about their own lives, that they misread everything and make conclusions on other people (or, as I've seen a lot of, literally just straight up lie and make shit up)

but still, USUALLY everything they say comes from SOMETHING, so i went back and saw that my queue posted a tweet about being ND. that person, who I'm gonna keep saying is not autistic and just uses shit they learn in order to "call people out" about stuff, saw me relate to a tweet and incorrectly concluded that i am an ignorant child (I'm almost 30) that gets all my info from tiktok (which i don't and never have had) instead of someone who has an autistic sister, a most likely autistic father, and most of my close friends being autistic. i know I'm not autistic because I'm exposed to it daily. we're still on the fence about my bf lmao

ALSO I'm going to guess you're not autistic because i am very aware that within the autistic community, it is widely accepted to self diagnose as long as you do your research, take the tests, interact with the community, and any advice makes your life easier. it's expensive to get diagnosed and can leave you being labeled as officially disabled, making it harder for you to live your life as a normal person, make the money, have the jobs, and marry the people you want.

so no, i will never be upset about people telling me to kill myself over *checks notes* people assuming i have a tiktok... or anything. I've been on the internet since i was 11, just short of 20 years. I've never personally sent anon hate, not only just because I'm a good person who shows others compassion, not only because i don't think subjecting others to pain alleviates mine in any way, but also because... I've never understood how it effects anyone. obviously one message isn't a harassment campaign and that's a whole different story, but over the years, and still all the time, i see people get upset over one message. like dude... that's just done 14 year old that's failing algebra 2. you're an adult, it's fine

anyway. maybe that person is checking back on my blog to see if i responded. maybe they're just going through and copy+pasting the same kys message to everyone that reblogs that tweet, which is actually making me laugh to think about because they incorrectly assumed the tweet was talking about autism when it clearly says ND several times. just being an absolute clown on dozens of people's pages until they see a response like mine and go "wait what" and scroll and see that it doesn't mention autism

anyway, I'm rambling at this point. this is way too long and i hope this doesn't come off as victim blaming for people who get mean messages all the time. I've never gone through a harassment campaign that lasted more than a day and i know that can be tough and can trigger emotional responses in the future even just to one message. but i ain't that guy. people are gonna think what they think of me and they're letters on the screen so what are they really gonna do

#you don't know how much anon 'hate' (kinda a strong word) that I've simply deleted #because giving them attention is what they want #i don't even send hate but i get anxious if i send an ask and the person never responds #i can only imagine how haters feel when they send a message and wait only for that person to keep going on business as usual #it's the best thing you can do is fucking hilarious #it's*