#don't know how to not do them & i feel like i'm killing myself trying to be normal so hard. i just wish i was like not such a weirdo freak | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

citruslullabies · 2 days

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Ghoul x reader x Lucy, Cooper and Lucy find reader as they're traveling and take her in, Lucy falling HARD first and coop not being able to resist either!! Reader is like their cute lil partner, they do their best to share (or throuple!! Though I feel like no matter what they'd fight a bit over reader teehee)

Coming up!! Please be patient with me, I haven't written for these two before

Trigger warnings: none

Romantic/platonic?: romantic✨

Requested by: anonymous

Category: fluff

Ship (romantic or platonic): Cooper Howard x reader x Lucy

Word count: 726

Cowboy Competition

The wastelands were violent, ruthless to kill anything on land from dehydration or starvation. Or even being killed to become nutrition for someone else.

But coming across someone alive and worthy enough of life was rare, and that's who you were. You were on the brink of death when they found you. The ghoul wanted to leave you for dead but the vault dweller stopped and tried to save you, even with the risk of being left behind but by some miracle the man decided he'd wait on her. Now you were part of their journey to find Lucy’s father for answers in which you had no questions, but understood that they did.

Lucy walked beside you, her big brown eyes watching your every step as you were cleaning Cooper’s gun. Cooper only allowed you to come along if you had made yourself useful, which you had tried to. She spoke up after a few moments, giving you a soft smile as she held her hands behind her back. “You know you don't have to clean his guns, right? He can do that himself. You don't have to worry about it.”

You looked over at her, but before you could answer the ghoul walking ahead of you two answered for you. He didn't turn around to look at you two but he still spoke up. “Now sweetheart, if she wants to clean my guns I have no objections. So don't go putting your nose where it don't belong.” he said while clicking his teeth together, looking down at Dogmeat as he trotted beside him. You gave a small bat of the eyes before smiling reassuringly at Lucy, freeing up one of your calloused hands to rest on her shoulder. The fabric of her jumpsuit felt so foreign to your hands, but you didn't mind.

“It's alright, I really don't mind. Don't really know how else I could make myself useful.” You hummed before continuing to walk and clean as you go.

Time had passed and you had come to the realization that their journey was a long one, but it was a bit too late for you to turn back now. Especially with growing affections from both of your new friends, Lucy being the first to show. She was extra sweet, helping you carry things and allowing you to rest against her shoulder when you made camp at night and she'd rub circles into your cheek with her thumb as you dozed off, which she just found to be the sweetest thing. But to Lucy’s dismay a certain cowboy started to take a liking to you too.

As things were settling for the night and it was time to rest, you were getting ready to lean against Lucy for warmth like you had been doing but a southern drawl caught your attention.

“How about you come over here and sleep in my arms darlin, I imagine I'm a whole lot warmer than Vaultie over there.” He drew out, sitting down with Dogmeat cuddled into his side. Cooper patted the canine on the head and gave you his signature smirk. “You can even snuggle with the dog, lord knows he won't leave my side.” He added to sweeten the pot, earning a scowl from Lucy before she gently took your hand in hers.

She squeezed your hand in both of hers, looking into your eyes warmly and lovingly as she tried to get you to look at her and only her. “I'm probably a lot more comfortable to lean up against, so why don't you just.. stay here? With me?” She offered softly, which led to bickering and you just laying down and trying to fall asleep alone to ignore them. Coop was in his 200’s and Lucy in her 20’s, yet they both behaved like children. You sighed and snuggled your shoulders into the sand, popping one eye open when you suddenly felt gloved hands scoop you up and hold you close, before a softer body laid beside the both of you and tried to hold you as well. It felt like getting tangled up in wires, but it was people. You tilt your head up to see Cooper laying back with his hat over his face, and Lucy with her forehead against your cheek with shut eyes.

For once maybe, they wouldn't be so competitive.

Thanks for requesting!

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permanentswaps · 1 day

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Boy's Best Friend

Reposting one of my favorites from Male Transformation Blog, which you can find here.

So how did you find out? How does it work?" I asked my lil' bro Duncan. "I don't know, I just found that I could pull myself out of my body and float around," he replied excitedly. "Mom and dad won't be back for a few hours, so I could show you." "Huh, I'd better go before they get back. Dad said he'd kill me if he ever saw me again." "No, they're cool." "You'd say that, you're the favorite son." I looked around the pictures on the wall. "See, no pictures of me, its like I never existed." Duncan looked sad. "I miss you," he declared. "Maybe you'll come stay with me soon, like old times. Anyway, show me this trick of yours." He nodded, "When I leave my body don't touch it or anything." "How will I know you're doing it? You could be just shitting me." "Hold you hand behind your back, stick out some fingers and when I'm out I go and look." I shrugged and held my hand behind my back with three fingers showing. "OK, so do it then." Duncan stood for a moment, then his eyes glazed over. I called his name asking if he was OK, but he didn't reply. I was starting to worry when he blinked and grinned at me. "Three fingers, you're holding up three," He told me. I looked around for mirrors in case he could seek a view, "Yeah right. That is so fucking weird. How far have you gone?" "I've been in all the houses in the street, that's about it." "Have you tried getting inside someone, like in the movies?" I asked. "No," he replied. "Never thought of it." "You should try." He looked at me, expectantly. "Hell no! You're not trying it out on me!" "So who then? All the people in the street are old." "Try something simple first, one that isn't going to fight." I said.

"Hmmmm." He pondered for a moment, before going over to the other side of the room to a cage holding the family pitbull. "Here, I'll practice on Rex, he's super clumsy and he's definitely not a fighter." I watched as Duncan's eyes glazed over. Rex started to yelp and whine before wriggling free of Duncan's arms as they fell to his side. Rex staggered around the floor looking like he was trying walk for the first time. After a few moments he was bounding around just as he'd done before. I crouched and the dog sat in front of me. "Is that you Duncan?" Rex licked my face and rested a paw on my knee. "Eww, gross!" I exclaimed.

Walking over to Duncan I looked at the vacant expression in his face. He was cute kid, popular as well. I looked at Rex bounding and jumping around. I went to touch Duncan's cheek, but my fingers instead to stroking his skin slipped through the surface into a tacky sticky substance. I pulled my fingers away, but it was difficult like something was holding onto them. I was finally able to recover my digits and looked around for the dog. He was nowhere to be seen. I looked at the motionless body that belonged to Duncan. My life sucked at the moment, Duncan had always been the favorite son. I'd only turned up because I'd just been thrown out of my apartment; I had no money to pay the rent. There was a clatter, I looked up and Rex ran past the door. Ideas were swirling around my head, but one was sharp; if Duncan was now in the dog, could I get inside his vacant body? When I'd touched it, it felt like it was trying to pull at me. I had to try, it would solve so many of my problems. I walked up behind Duncan's body and placed my hands on his back. I felt the fabric of his shirt and then my hands slipped inside, this time I didn't struggle just felt myself being drawn into his body. At the point my body touched his, I could feel myself being drawn inside. My arms has already disappeared up to my shoulders and I could begin to feel Duncan's arms becoming mine. I watched Rex trot in and stop tipping his head. I tried to imagine what it looked like, his elder brother stealing his body. Rex whimpered and I knew this was wrong. Immediately I started to struggle, trying to pull myself free, but I was already in too deep. The more I struggled the quicker I sunk into the quicksand mire of Duncan's body. "I'm sorry," I pleaded to the family dog that sat before me. "I'm s--" Was all I could manage before I was sucked inside completely. The darkness faded and I blinked at the dog looking up at me. I straightened, feeling stiffness in my body. I looked down. "Shit," I muttered, I was not only wearing Duncan's clothes I was also wearing his body. I felt my torso through the shirt and looked at the dog. "Have you been working out bro'?" Rex snorted a nod. "Damn," I whispered pulling at my sleeve and inspecting the complicated tattoo on my arm. I took a step back and almost tripped over a pile of clothes; the ones I'd been wearing only minutes earlier. I picked them up and walked up stairs, straight into Duncan's bedroom with Rex trotting behind me. Inside I stuffed them into a bag at the back of the cupboard. Then it hit me, this was the first time I'd been to their new house and yet I knew everything about it. I swallowed, everything about Duncan. "You got all his doggy memories as well?" I asked Rex. He barked at me excitedly. I sat on the bed opposite the mirror and looked at my new reflection; young, strong and handsome. Everything I wasn't. Rex jumped up and sat next to me and we both looked at our reflections for a few minutes. "I'm really sorry, I don't know what came over me," I told Rex. We looked at each other and he licked my face a couple of times. "A boy and his dog; what could possibly be tighter than that?" Rex barked again, and wagged his tail. "Maybe we can figure this out." I could here a door open, and then a shout. "Duncan, are you upstairs?" It was my dad. "Yeah!" I replied. "Is that your brothers pickup parked down the street, because if he's in the house--" "Yes, he stopped by to say goodbye. He left about twenty minutes ago with some friends. Said something about moving to the West coast." "Good riddance," I heard him say to my mom. I hugged Rex again, "Looks like we are going to be together for a while." He barked again. "We'll have to work out a code little bro'," I said with a smile as I walked downstairs to meet my parents again; their favorite son.

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hyperfixated-on-musicals · 2 days

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"Learning love is not a crime."

[Inspired by @catboyrichardkarinsky 's Quotev story]

Sexuality scared Marvin. Not in the way that a horror movie would scare a child but in the sense that opening up about it would make him want to cry. School has always been tough for Marvin.

The feeling of sitting alone, letting the rain fall onto him as he held himself where no one could see him hurt but it also felt safe. Across the soaking wet grass, Marvin spotted a boy who looked to be around his age, probably 16 or so surrounded by a group of boys.

Marvin hated confrontation so he sat back and listened.

"Fucking fag!" One of the boys shouted.

"Get the fuck away from me! What the hell did I do to you?!" The boy in the middle shouted.

"Why don't you get your boyfriend to come help you out?" Another boy taunted him.

At this stage, Marvin stood up and walked over to the group of boys, trying to get closer but avoid confrontation at the same time.

The boys kept hurling insults at this one seemingly defenseless kid.

"You know what, Whizzer? We would've almost thought you were normal if you kept the act up."

"If you don't do exactly as we say, we'll out you and your faggot boyfriend to the whole school."

The boy, Whizzer, tried to stand up for himself.

"I don't have a boyfriend. And so fucking what if I did?! It's just a guy I like."

Marvin felt slightly proud of Whizzer as he moved closer.

Crunch.

The leaves cracked under the weight of Marvin's feet, causing the slight moment of silence to be broken and for all of the boys' eyes to be on him. Marvin froze.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt..."

He did mean to.

"Do you have a problem?" One of the boys stepped forward.

Marvin gulped, trying to ignore the anxiety building up in his chest.

"Whizzer, right?"

"Yeah..."

Marvin leaned in closer to Whizzer, his lips close to but not touching Whizzer's ear.

"On three, we run," Marvin whispered.

One.

Steady breathing.

Two.

Don't think of the guys that want you dead.

Three.

Running as fast as they both could, Whizzer and Marvin made it to the safety of the back of the school. It was the only place that Marvin felt comfortable in so it was something big for him to introduce his safe space to a stranger.

"Are you okay?" Marvin asked as soon as he got his breath back.

"They want me dead. I want me dead too."

"Huh?"

"I'm gay... They want to tell the whole school, practically sentencing me to death or at least banishment from this school due to isolation," Whizzer mumbles his explanation. "So, yeah, I'd rather kill myself than have people know what I am. And that isn't some joke. I'm not just saying that to lighten the mood. I... I've... Why am I even telling you this?"

"I'm gay too. I haven't told anyone. Not even my parents know," Marvin confessed.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You're not like... playing a trick on me and planning to humiliate me, are you?"

Marvin frowned at how cautious Whizzer was being but on the other hand, he couldn't really blame him. Those boys tortured him for being queer.

"It's just... I've tried to kill myself. The bullying became too much to handle. I couldn't take it."

Whizzer started tearing up. His world was falling apart and all Marvin could do to help was pick up the broken pieces. They skipped school that day. Growing old together was all that seemed to matter to both of them.

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pomefioredove · 6 hours

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Imagine instead of rook voted for rsa, the reader did. Who is in a relationship with Vil.

Angst:333

ANON ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME /light hearted

summary: betrayal of the highest order type of post: short fic characters: vil additional info: established relationship, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu, ANGST, hurt w no comfort

"I can't even look at you right now,"

The words hurt.

They burn coming out of his mouth, and they sting your skin when they hit you. You'd never heard a sentence with barbs before.

A part of you was hoping that he would shout. Chastise you, drag you off stage and scold you until his perfect throat was raw.

Instead, he had just... stared.

Vil stared at you after the loss. He stared when you admitted being the cause of it. He stared all the way back to the dorm, where he promptly holed himself up in his room, refusing to speak with anyone.

After an hour and a half of Rook and Epel begging for him to say something to them, he demands you.

And that brings you here.

"I am so... utterly... disappointed," he says. He's not wearing any makeup. His face is puffy and red.

You don't want to dwell on being the cause of that.

"I simply won't allow myself to beg for an answer. You have now to explain yourself, and then I don't want to see you."

You're quiet for a moment. There's really nothing you can say, but he's demanded an answer, and it's the least you can give him.

"I didn't think it would matter,"

His eyes sharpen. "Pathetic. That's the best you could come up with?"

"I was told to be fair-"

"There is no fair," he says, crossing his arms as if putting a barrier between the two of you. "There is no equality. I am your boyfriend. And more than that, you saw how hard everyone worked. How could you-"

His voice catches on that last word, and he stops himself. He takes a long, deep breath, and runs a hand through his hair. It seems more undone than usual.

"For him, of all people. Rook... I understand. Rook would chase the light from a laser pointer if it was pretty enough. But you...?"

Vil falls silent again, turning to face the door. His eyes, though narrow and sharp and uninviting, are glimmering with tears. You feel dizzy.

"Vil..."

He holds up a hand, silencing you. "That's enough. I suppose it's my own fault. I deluded myself into thinking I knew you better than that,"

Is there anything you can really say? Do? Or is this just broken beyond repair?

What is he thinking right now?

"I'm sorry,"

He's quiet.

"I know. But that doesn't fix anything,"

You're both quiet.

You hate seeing him like this. His face contorted into something meant to imitate anger, his body language closed off, but something in his eyes begging for you.

For you to what, you can't imagine. No apology could save this.

The silence passes you both by, although it offers no comfort. He clears his throat.

"I think you should leave. I need some time to think. I suggest the same for you,"

#twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #queued #vil schoenheit x reader

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forestgreenlesbian · 2 months

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#feel like such a freak idiot all the time & i never react in the right way and then i hate myself afterwards for reacting wrong and #i'm so scared of like making every situation about my autism that even when i bring it up as a possible explanation for something i've done #i feel like a burden and like i'm making excuses and expecting everyone around me to accommodate my stupid behaviour #but i can't stop doing the thing in the first place no matter how hrd i try because those behaviours are literally hardwired into my brain #don't know how to not do them & i feel like i'm killing myself trying to be normal so hard. i just wish i was like not such a weirdo freak #who could cope with literally anything god i'm so fucking tired and sad about everything it's too hard

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chrisbangs · 8 months

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if you told me all those years ago that the people who made the song that got me through the worst time of my life would go on to do some of the craziest things in their career and you said they're gonna go perform at all these places and do all these things 😭 idk what baby me would've done but current me is literally so overwhelmed with emotions ... 😞🫶‼️💗 like that's just too crazy to me to really put into words but watching the skz journey feels so heart warming and exciting and im so incredibly fucking proud of them... 🥺🤍 my skz you are so amazing 😭🫶💗🌙🫂

#idk what i'm trying to say #but 17 year old me found you when my life was in ruin #and then 🤍🫂 you picked me up and put me on my feet... 😞💗‼️ and i... i am lucky to have you in my life ...#i wouldn't be the same without you...#no i mean.. i wouldn't even be here without you #😞 i know that for sure ... like without a doubt #that part of my life was ... bad 👍#sitting on that train after being assaulted the first time and feeling like it was over like i was going to kill myself and then #all i heard was chans voice saying 'blessings wait for you'#and 😞 it felt like the first hug id had in ages... like someone had held me and told me it would be ok 😞💗#idk ... kinda presumptive to say i owe them my life but... 🫂 i wouldn't be here without them #that much is for damn sure ...#so to see them come this far ... do so much #🥺 the pride in my heart is beyond overwhelming #being here since they were nugu losers 😭💗🫶 GOD I LOVE UUUU MY SKZ!!!!!#i don't know how much more i can say it........ i so incredibly love you 😞🤍💗#god i'm so proud #i hope chan knows 😭🫶💗🥺 with every fucking fibre in my being that i'm always ALWAYS cheering him on 😞 that he deserved this so infinitely #god i fucking love him 😭‼️ my darling boy.........#:( my skz fr...#li.txt

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disdaidal · 8 months

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The way I'm still not finished with writing the first two ideas I had in mind for this ship, I'm suddenly getting two more. 🙈🙊 Could somebody please arrange it so that I'd have all the time in the world to write it all? Because 24hrs a day is simply not enough.

#personal #for the record: i am STILL writing the first idea i got #the slow-burn just got way out of hand and i can't seem to stop this train kdjfkjkgkgk #i might actually send the first chapter soon once i'm done editing it #to the poor person/people who volunteered to check it/them for me #if they still want to give it a try lol #because i've written a lot and there's still more to come. 82 pages on google docs and counting #so it's already becoming a small novella #and i'm a little bit scared. not just for myself but for the other people involved as well #for now i've put the second idea on hold but i will continue writing it sooner or later #because i know how what to do with it. how to continue it and how to end it #but then this bitch is suddenly getting two new AUs in mind #they started jumping up and down in my brain like 'hey i think you'll like me; so why don't you write me ASAP'#and i'm like HOW. WHEN #like there's literally just 24hrs a day and there's other stuff i'm supposed to be doing too #i'm supposed to focus on my schoolwork and this is all i can think about and it's killing me for real jfkjf #priorities i has them #but muses have been kind to me and i kind of needed something like this #after feeling like shit for a long time recently #i just wish i had more TIME #anyway

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sensitivegoblin · 11 months

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My sisters boyfriend is being a massive dick and I just have to sit by and watch her cry

#I'm tired of men seriously there's only one man on this earth I fully completely trust and he unfortunately can't even be my boyfriend #he's so mean to her and I'm not allowed to say anything #I know she stays with him cus that's the only option we'd be homeless if she broke up with him #but it doesn't give him the right to make her cry 24/7 #like I'm autistic so to stay sane I can't think about real life stuff I'm an adult child #but she HAS to think of life stuff I wish he was more supportive of her #everytime I hear them fight her main point is 'you don't have to take care of an entire human being'#and that breaks me everytime #it just feels like killing my self would take a bunch of problems away #I know that I'm dead weight as a human I'm trying so hard but it's never enough #I feel like most disabled people who are in this level of need don't usually understand stuff around them/serious life stuff #but I have the unfortunate gift of being extremely hyper aware and am paralyzed to do anything #for years I've had the same thought #they'd be better off without me #and it's true #the only thing that stops me from killing myself is that I'm scared how mad they'd be if I failed

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allexiaah · 2 years

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i don’t think i can ever forgive anyone who didn’t wear a mask or vaccinate or take covid seriously after all of this shit not going to lie. after just now realizing i’ve lost two years to it. Two years of being a person, or going out and doing things I should’ve been doing as a kid free of responsibilities with other kids, and doing what little you even CAN do in a world where you can’t do jack shit without money. I already sat in front of a computer screen for way too long every day. Feel like I should still be in my second semester of high school after all of this. Don’t feel like I should’ve aged at all. I’m not good with memories in the first place (which is why i’m always taking pictures), and covid only made it worse. past two years have been a haze.

I don’t remember almost anything that happened, even when i think really hard about something i KNOW is there but can’t recall. I’m lucky if I remember it when someone else jogs my memory for me, even. I don’t remember good times spent with friends, or going for walks outside, or even a fuckton of school at all. I don’t feel like there are even years there, but there are and I can’t get them back. Time was already hard for me to grasp, but now I don’t know when I’ve done anything, and it fuckin hurts. it hurts. I feel

And now we’re getting Harmful Affliction 2: Monkeypox Edition, and nobody’s fucking taking it seriously! There’s no shortage of kids and teens like me who’ve lost a significant chunk of their lives, by the time they’re around old enough to go to school, to a pandemic, and are just now needing to walk into the world and know what the fuck they’re doing.

how is that okay? how is ANY of it okay?? How did nobody think for one fucking second about how much this would fuck us up? How did we not think this would last for years seeing the atrocious lack of action from ANYONE? How are we supposed to brush all of this off? there are kids in their developmental years who don’t know how to communicate because we haven’t been anywhere near each other for 2 years! except for, y’know, the pieces of shit who just COULDN’T FATHOM that and were the reason anyone with half a mind or any care for others at ALL were kept at home for years! I’m a now-adult with social anxiety that came LONG before covid, and probably has origins in a cult i was raised in for no shortage of time as a kid, but it’s been too long for me to know for sure. But this shit PREDATED covid for me. I can’t imagine there’s a lack of people who’ve lost literal YEARS of their lives to this and who don’t know how to pick up the pieces anymore or how they’re supposed to get better.

I don’t think I can ever describe to someone the kind of lonely and horrible it was to simply sit in the doorway to my room with a plate of food left outside my door or handed to me by family wearing masks just like I did any time I left it, listening to the rest of my family sing happy birthday to my sister at the dinner table downstairs, seeing the light from the dining room and a little bit of my mother from the doorway and nothing more, trying to sing along through a mask so I didn’t get anything in the air. I don’t think I can describe the kind of miserable it was to sit there with a birthday dinner that I couldn’t even taste, that had to be delivered because nobody was allowed to leave the house. I fucking RUINED my sister’s birthday, and it’s not like I went to a party or anything, or went out. It’s not even like it’s my fault. I went to school, I went home. I didn’t have much of a social life anyway. Transit or the school itself gave me covid. Even sanitizing and washing my hands after touching everything I could, and wearing a mask I never pulled down, not in class or ever, and doing the best i could? I still caught it. Even doing the best you can ask a human to do, I caught it. I can’t put into words how agonizing it was to be confined to one room for WEEKS, unable to leave for anything except to use the washroom across the hall. If you don’t think it’s that big of a deal? Try it yourself and see how long you can do it.

Back when they actually cared and still did close contact lists and all that, the person on the phone didn’t believe me when I told them I don’t go out. That I didn’t party or go out to see friends or go ANYWHERE outside of school. According to my mom, the person on the phone was in enough disbelief to ask HER after I said the exact same thing.

We’ve been living in a hell of ignorance’s creation for years now, and might be for years in the future, Or maybe we’re just not living at all. I feel like both apply.

I wish I could have those two years back, but i can’t have that. And it’s not even my fault that my friends and I can’t have them.

#allex rambles #vent #personal #please dont rb this lol #im just #god #was talking to my friend luna last night and remembering that i used to feel alive in spite of how horrible my depression was #and how school was. and how it all made it worse #what was usually on my mind was not knowing what the fuck im living for #and STILL i felt more alive then than i have in the past 2 years #It makes me want to cry and scream and throw shit #how was i supposed to feel like a kid when i was locked up for the past 2 years?#how am i supposed to feel like an adult now when I didn't get the opportunities i should've had or was too scared to kill myself or #my family with a virus that was fully capable of it to take advantage of those opportunities?#i already have shitty memory. that on its own terrifies me #i take photos of everything i do to try and keep a date and an image of the stuff i go out of my way to have fun doing.#because if i don't i'm terrified i'll forget.#knowing im forgetting mundane things and its like i might not have done them at all?#that it might be getting worse?#that's so fucking scary.#im only realizing now just how fucked up everything's been. i think i pushed it all back to cope at the time #and im only letting myself grieve and feel horrible now that i'm out of school and can afford to while im looking for a job #fuckssake.

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sadfraudfrogs · 1 day

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I currently need to throw my phone into a river because if my mum looks through my phone I'm fucked

#it'll out me as a system and having various mental illnesses #She'll get mad at me for having online friends #she'll probably force me to block them or something and I want to stay friends with them #Without them I have like 2 friends #And only 1 person I can actually be open with #And every single day I cry because I'm scared of losing the only person who knows me for me #I'll be cut off from the entire world and she'll expect me to be happy #I'm happy when I don't have to hide myself but I can't do that here #I'm in a country that hates me and you except me to feel safe going outside?#The only way I'd feel safe is if I changed my name legally and moved to a completely different country #I can't handle living in England and I don't feel safe in this town #I'll just get harassed or I'll see my rapist and have a panic attack #I need mental help so fucking badly but I live in England where my only fucking option is either better help #Or a Councillor who won't take me seriously #The last 2 counsellors I had were shit #The first one talked down to me constantly and there was a language barrier between me and the second so half the time I had no clue-#- what she was saying #My sh is only getting worse #I've finally started bleeding from my sh #And now I'm scared to show my arms around my parents because they'll blame the internet for it #Not the years of bullying or the emotional abuse or the fact I'm still trying to compute the fact I was fucking raped #I blame myself for everything #The internet is how I try to heal #If I get that taken away from me then I'll have nothing #I'll probably try to convert to Christianity just so I have something to believe in #Even though the idea of a god makes me really fucking paranoid #Nothing fucking helps anymore #The only thing I fucking have is my stupid fucking phone #I'm going to kill myself I swear to fuck #Because in this fucking society all I fucking get is oppressed

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king-of-havoc · 3 months

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Why is it that when you're already upset that things seem to connect more easily? Like two completely unrelated things can somehow have a connection in your head and lead you into a spiral of terrible, terrible thinking

Or is that just me too?

#king posts #I feel so alone #I don't know what's normal #I don't know what everyone else goes through or what is only me #and people try to be there for me #but they don't understand #but I don't know how to explain it to them #it makes me feel guilty #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh #nights like these make me wish I hadn't failed at killing myself the one time I actually had the balls to try #<- I'm not going to do anything #so don't worry #I can never have the balls to do that again #I mean unless I had a gun but I don't so YUGHJFDC #humor to cope. we love that for me #is that even humor?#I'm just laughing at my own suicidal idealization #is suicide funny to me?#only my own honestly GUHJFDVC #I give everyone permission to laugh at me if I ever actually commit to the bit (of killing myself) UHJFKDVC #I'm sorry #please don't worry about me #I know some of you will #and that's not what I want #even if it seems like I do since I am making this post #but I just sorta wanna vent into the void #just pretend you didn't see this <3 #love yooooooou <3

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inkskinned · 1 year

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it's been said before and i'm sure said better than i can phrase it. but really, really - if you like making "i'm going to kill myself" jokes, please try switching to being ironically conceited instead.

anytime something goes wrong, say things like "ah well at least i'm beautiful and charming and everyone loves me." when you forget something, try "my big huge brain is so smart and thinking about too many other very big wizardly thoughts you wouldn't even understand." when you're frustrated by one of your symptoms, start talking like you're in My Immortal. "Life has come for me but my eyes are beautiful pools of gorgeous fire and my hair is amazing. I stuck my middle finger up at life and told it to fuck off and it did."

just... try it for a month or two. try saying the most absurdly self-congratulatory shit you can think of.

i know it's tempting to make suicide or self-harm jokes. and for me at least, a decade ago (!) when someone suggested i stop making those kinds of jokes, i was kind of at a loss for what to replace them with. i wanted to make light of these moments, but genuinely (at the time) my first thought really was suicidal ideation. there was a part of me that even felt like ... i was kind of "making light" of that voice. that if i could say i want to die lol, it would help take the sting out of that genuine (albeit passive) desire. like i could turn my illness into a joke.

when i started complimenting myself instead, it felt awkward and stupid. it felt really, really ironic. what i was actually saying was nobody would ever think this stuff about me, that's what makes it so fucking funny.

but. the effect was immediate. first thing i noticed was the people around me. when i dropped a glass and said ah my skin is too beautiful and sleek the glass has swooned and broken for me, other people were suddenly overjoyed to jump in with the joke. rather than making an awkward moment, we'd both start cracking up. ah princess sleek hands, i've heard of you.

i was 19. i hadn't noticed i'd been making others tense when i said i want it all to end. i know now that it's incredibly hard to know how to walk that moment - do you talk to them about your concern? do you potentially make them uncomfortable by asking if they're okay? do you ignore the situation? do you help them pick up the glass, or do they need to do it by themselves? are they genuinely made suicidal over this small moment? and most importantly, how do you - without professional training or supplies - actually help?

most people want to help you pick up the glass in your life, they just have no fucking idea how to do it. they don't want to make anything worse. they don't want to make assumptions about you. they love you, they're scared for you - and being scared makes people kind of freeze up. it's not because they don't love you. it's because they do.

now when something bad happens, my first thought is how can i make a stupid joke about this. it isn't my brain saying you're a dumb fucking bitch. i spend more time laughing. i spend more time being gentle with myself. i spend more time feeling good.

and the thing is - what's kind of funny - is that you'd be surprised by how many people agree with you. the first time i said i'm too pretty to understand that, someone else said to be fair you're the prettiest person in this room. i promise - you really don't know how kindly your friends see you. but they love you for a reason. they sort of reverse-velveteen-rabbit you. your weird and ugly spots fade away and you just become... the love they want to give you.

go love yourself ironically. the worst thing that happens is that you end up tricking your reflection into actually loving you.

#something something toxic relationships notwithstanding #(re: the friends stuff)#most people love you. automatically. for being alive. like people are just MADE that way.#and the reason kms jokes don't always land is bc people fucking love you and are like - ahhh how do i help #let them help you!!!!!!

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icarusdiesatdawn · 9 months

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Oh careful. thoughts

#okay i know late night posting is dangerous #but I am very scared for my future and my life in general right now I feel physically sick with anxiety and worry #and guilt. guilt and the general why-can't-I-do-anything feeling #amd i hate that I dropped out of basically everything because og the mental health and now i have no degree no skills #and no energy left to even try anything again because what's the point #and i never got properly treated anyway but somehow I thought I would be better now and that's what's expected of me now anyway #like I'm not allowed to have another breakdown because by now I've had too many of them #and I just can't do rhat to my family again #they are already fed up with me #and I'm not just saying that to feel bad about myself #i know they love me but I know they're beyond annoyed with me not having my shit together and I can't blame them #god i just. like actually actively really despise my life right now #and I don't know how to make the necessary steps to make it better #i don't want kill myself. i just don't wanna be me. me is completely nonfunctional.#It's so frikking exhausting i just don't wanna keep doing it #i just want to quit #gonna have to delete this tmrw

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murobrown · 11 months

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#it's Friday and I'm in my pyjamas since like 4 PM...what a life.#now my stomach decided to kill me so I just collapsed on the couch and then my brain started to be self destructive too and now I'm sad #feeling kinda lonely #i love isolating myself and solitude more than anything but sometimes I just want those small things #like someone who would take me for a walk like I'm a fucking dog #or watching movie not on my own #cooking or baking for someone #and I'm trying to get over it because I'll probably never get this stuff in my life #i miss being around my family because those are the only people i feel comfortable with #all friendships i have feel like chores or job interviews #i feel like I can't feel this connection with anyone anymore #i don't share same interests or opinions with my friends anymore #i don't have same life experiences as them #and it's still alright to see them from time to time but I just don't feel the need to be intimate with them #i mean intimate like vulnerable #and I don't fucking know how to make new friends when you're 25 and introverted and little ugly #and I don't even know if I want friends #i guess I need a pet that's all #no I think I just need less free time so that I don't have time to think those things #but you know what I'm still doing good like overall I'm happy with my life #i still feel so fucking grateful for everything i have right now compared what a mess it was just few months ago #not even speaking about one year ago #and two years ago doesn't even feel like me an my life anymore #it feels bad saying it but I'm proud of myself because I did this all by myself #I'm here doing good only because of myself #like I gave myself all this stuff i always wanted #I'm making myself happy for the first time in my life #for the first time in my life I don't fully hate myself... just a little :) sometimes #sometimes I can even feek sorry or forgive my past self but that's still work in progress #i don't know what am I saying anymore this is what happens when I'm with no chores or responsibilities for more than one hour

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thebibliosphere · 2 months

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Ma'am/Sir/Other

So much of your blog is "Yaya another thing in my body broke (kill me)"

I'm not judging at all, cause I'm also dealing with that somewhat but,

In the most polite manner possible;

How the fuck do you manage to function without killing everyone around you in a bodily pain induced rage.

Body hurts too much.

But in all seriousness, therapy and a whole lot of radical acceptance.

I don't approve or like what’s happening to me, but realistically, there is no way to avoid it, so I either have to accept it and make changes to my life or reject it and increase my suffering.

It might take me a while to process this change and there might be a few screaming breakdowns in the interim (”it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!”) but after a long time of doing this type of therapy, I’ve gotten good at holding my own hand and holding myself through the despair.

It’s a bit like being my own gentle parent. Like “hey bud, I know this sucks and you’re feeling a lot of big emotions right now. And I’m not asking you to stop feeling them, but I do need you to eat and drink before you get sick, okay? Okay, you’ve had some water, do you want to try for a shower? No? Okay, let’s go back to bed for a bit. We’ll try later... Cry it out if you need to. I’ve got you.”

Probably sounds bonkers to some people but it's the only reason I’m still alive.

My support network is wonderful and they do so much to keep me going, but it wasn't until I allowed myself to feel my emotions and self soothe through them that things got better.

I can’t change what has been done to me. I can’t change the dynamic nature of my disabilities or the fact that parts of my body will continue to break down. But I can accept myself and say, this is the way things are: react accordingly for our continued survival.

Radical acceptance isn’t about approval or giving up. It's a stress tolerance skill that lets you look at some of the worst parts of your life and go “fuck this sucks. Okay, how do I make this suck less?” and then following through on it.

It's a skill that takes a long time to build. But it's well worth investing in.

#chronic health tag #mental health #radical acceptance

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winkwonkwankwenk · 3 months

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Alastor Head-cannons (SFW & NSFW)

SFW

Listened to music a lot with his mother when he was a boy, and occasionally you'll catch him singing. He's still got the voice of an angel despite being a demon.

"Splendid!" "Old friend" His old dialect reminds you he grew up in the 20s- 1920s. You've tried teaching him modern slang but it just doesn't sound right coming from him. His eyebrows furrow when you laugh, "Was what I said funny? Do tell, I'd love a good laugh."

Still brushes his teeth and is intense when it comes to dental hygiene. Don't let the yellow fool you, it's just the new natural color. In general, he's very hygienic. He has a strict shower routine, skin care routine, don't even get him started on his hair routine. Condition, shampoo, rinse, condition again- the list goes on and on. You tried Spa Day with him once, it was more stressful than relaxing.

His hair is naturally curly but he straightens it for a "stronger" look. He thought if he kept his curls he'd be less intimidating, Charlie saw his hair wet once and wouldn't stop trying to pet him.

Will periodically check on Husk and when he can't will send Husk's favorite liquor. He's soulless, not heartless. He does tease Husk on occasion about his friendship with Angel, it's not every day he sees the cat so flustered.

Loves veal. You've walked in on him feasting on Elk and when you backed away he simply raised a brow. "Would you like to join me? There's more than enough to share." He didn't show it, but he was bummed when you politely declined.

Loner but loves company from those he's close with. When he's alone for too long he thinks a little too much on a past he can't erase. Times like this will make him force himself outside to stroll through hell. He's not an imp, he doesn't have to worry about being attacked. You on the other hand? Not so much. When you join him for strolls, he'll keep you beside him and away from the thrashed roads. "Stay close, I'd hate to see you hurt." You think he's oblivious to how buttery smooth his words are at times, little do you know he's been watching every change in your face from your flushed cheeks to your pursed lips. He smirks to himself, knowing he's caught you off guard.

Calls you annoying names when you're grumpy like "Sourpuss". When you glare at him he just flashes that annoying grin.

Owns a lot of other souls besides Husk's and will occasionally sneak up on them just to catch them off guard. He enjoys a good power trip, brings him back to the good ol' days. Kills just don't feel the same now, what a shame.

Not a fan of physical touch. Don't even touch his suit if you're a stranger. He's a bit more lenient with those he considers friends like Rosie and Charlie, and you- but you're a special case. Maybe it's because you asked before doing something as little as fix his bowtie. He didn't know his heart still had that kind of beat, he decided not to dwell on it. "I must be thinking too hard again, I should keep myself busy."

His ears and eyebrows express his actual emotions. He doesn't seem to notice it, but you've caught him writing with his ears down and brows in a U-shape. It's almost like he's pouting, but when you ask his face returns to that empty smile again. "Hm? Oh, yes I'm fine. Just sorting some script troubles for the next broadcast."

He's not used to accepting help, only giving it. When you cheerfully ask beg to help with scripting he can't find a proper way to say no, at least that's what he tells himself. You end up being more of a distraction and he has to push the broadcast back a few days. When you apologize he just smiles wider- you didn't think it could get any wider but it did. "Nothing to apologize for, my Dear. I enjoyed our time together."

Takes his deals seriously as most overlords do. You've witnessed brutal killings, the way his pupils morph when he's torturing a toy. He'll casually wave if he sees you watching. "Enjoy the show, Darling~"

Wakes up at the asscrack of dawn just to be awake. He also wakes everyone in the hotel up with his alarm- which is just a lord recording of himself singing some Jazz song he seems to adore. He won't apologize, but he'll have coffee prepared for everyone.

Doesn't like sweet coffee and is offended when he sips any, glaring at you like you've handed him a cup of shit. "Are you plotting? Why do you make this...Nevermind." He'll be grumpy the rest of the day, voice a low growl and smile a bit sinister.

Likes to Gamble, he's already in hell, what else is there to lose? He makes big bets, the biggest being a tooth from his precious smile. When you tried to warn him about the dealer helping the other player cheat he just winked at you. Before cards could even be shown, both were dead. "I've ruined another good suit" is all he says as if he hadn't just ripped the heads off of two demons.

He used to be dependent on his glasses when he was alive, he was uncomfortable without having them in hell which is why he has the monocle now. He doesn't need it, just makes him feel secure.

His radio voice lags sometimes and he'll simply refuse to talk until it's stable again. You're the only one allowed to taunt him about it without waking up surrounded by acid.

Lets you call him Al, and when Rosie asks him about it his smile closes into a strong squeeze of his lips. He hasn't escaped the teasing from her or anyone else in the Hotel who's noticed. If someone says anything while you're around, they better pray their deal comes with protection. "I suggest you keep your mouth closed." is the only warning given.

Likes strategy games so when you show him modern ones like battleship he's over the moon. He ends up with a board game collection thanks to you since you bring a new one over whenever you're invited to his broadcast station.

"Y/N, Darling, I have a bit of a favor to ask..." and you know you're about to go through hell- well, more of it. His favors always involve hunting someone attempting to break a deal, and most of the hunts are just you tagging along to watch him bloody his hands. At least he looks good in red.

He was quiet when he first met you, now that he's comfortable around you all he does is talk. Eventually he even picks up on your compliments and returns them and then- well, it just sort of happened.

Had no clue how to actually romance. He spent his life fulfilled from killing, not chasing love. After consulting Rosie and Charlie (mistake one, they both teased him shamelessly. It's not every day you see a flustered overlord). He tries pick-up lines but they always come out as jokes, and while your laugh is adorable he can't help but be annoyed. "Surely wooing a woman isn't this difficult, prehaps another method..."

Alastor's love language is gifts but not just materialistic ones. He knows what you like and he makes sure to get you it. You've opened your door to a bloody Alastor cheerfully holding a container of freshly-harvested organs, offering to cook them for you- his way of inviting you over for dinner. He's so excited you can't turn him down, and if you close your eyes you manage to convince yourself you're just eating chicken. He learns how to make your favorite dishes after seeing you forefeed yourself for his sake, and from then on makes them for you when you join him for dinner.

"Do not tell anyone about..." He doesn't know what to call the two of you, the traditional term felt a bit too intense. You know what he means, and although you don't understand it you agree. It's not that he's embarrassed, he knows you'll become a target if others find out too much. He also has a reputation to maintain. Unfortunately, the two of you are painfully obvious.

Adores holding you, especially when he's too busy to give you proper attention. You'll sit in his lap and watch him work, telling him when to take breaks. Sometimes the two of you will read together, his head on your shoulder and nodding when he wants you to turn the page.

Tried to figure out how to kiss you while smiling. You couldn't stop laughing so he gave up and stormed off to sulk. He was expecting you to just sneak up behind him but when you stood on your toes to kiss him, his smile faltered and his face flushed almost as red as his hair. "Y/N, get back here!"

NSFW (Most tame NSFW Head-cannon I've written because he's definetly slow to warm up)

Favorite petnames for you are Honey, Darling, and Sweetness. Sometimes he'll slip up and call you by a petname while around friends or in public. Unlike him, you can't mask your face with a smile and his falters when your friends stare.

He's clingy in public as if staying secret wasn't his idea. He keeps an arm around your waist, fingers intertwined with yours. If someone stares a little too long he'll strike a tentacle at them and they'll run off.

Speaking of the tentacles he seems to sprout, he likes to tease you with them. He'll lightly strike your legs when you're walking to get your attention just to turn away and do something else. He'll sneak up behind you and have a tentacle tilt your chin up so he can kiss you, then quickly leave. He's always in such a hurry, mostly to go peek into his chest and make sure his heart hasn't exploded.

His kisses get bolder as time passes, teeth grazing your lips hesitantly until you pull him closer. Soon he's comfortable enough to slip his tongue in, grip your hair, groan against your lips. These kisses turn into sloppy makeouts that leave your lips kiss swollen and slick between your legs. "We should get back to the group," he says it casually as he licks his lips.

You're needy, he knows, he can practically smell it- he just isn't sure what to do about it. This is something he definitely can't ask Rosie about, so he decides to observed you until he figures out. He didn't think you'd mind him being in your closet or under your bed, listening to you and your toys. You catch him once, face burning as you scramble to cover yourself. "Stay as you are, continue, please- I'm learning quite a bit."

You catch him attempting to file his nails down the next day but they seem to sprout back in seconds. He's irritated, you can tell by the antlers growing on his head. You tell him he could just use his tongue but he insists on doing it exactly how he saw you. You wither under him, hiding your face in a pillow. "You're quite tight, how am I supposed to fit anything when I can barely fit a finger, hm?" He teases, pecking your forehead. He does get curious and decides to have a small taste that leads to him eating you out, tongue buried inside you as he holds your hole open. It must feel good the way you're gripping his hair and antlers, trying to steady yourself as you rock against his face.

You didn't bring up going all the way, you wanted him to initiate it since you weren't sure what exactly his boundaries were. You expected him to bashfully confess his fantasies, instead you heard a knock on your door and then your body thudding against the mattress as he ravaged your mouth. He slams the door closed with a tentacle before ripping away clothes, eyes narrow and focused. His radio voice is gone, his raw desperation showing as he rams into you. "Dammit Darling, I tried to wait...but I've grown impatient. You don't mind, do you?" and when you shake your head no he knows he doesn't have to hold back. Wonderful.

He lets himself get pent up, refusing to let you touch him. At first you worry that you've done something wrong, but he pats your head and says "Y/N, I'll handle it myself." When you look at him with those eyes he can't hide his hunger, and he caves.

Rough? No, he's just passionate. He can't always say how he feels but he knows how to show it. Fingers intertwined with yours, tongues tangled as he stuffs you full. Part of why he lets himself get so pent up is because he loves how it feels releasing it all at once, the way you cry out and clench around him. He doesn't stop until he's fucked you silly, until his voice is static-less.

Rambles when he's close, from "Such a pretty thing, sucking me like this" to incoherent growls and grunts, he's vocal. When he's thrusting into you only his words are gentle, sweet praises like "Good, Good...you can take it~" echoing in your head as he holds it up by your hair.

He likes leaving bitemarks along your body but only where they can be seen. Good luck hiding the one on your wrist, and the one under your chin is exposed whenever you look up. Of course no one dares to mention it, but he gets a kick out of everyone knowing you're his- enemies and reputation be damned.

Like my writing? Check out my Ao3!! Reblogs appreciated!! I have an ongoing Alastor x Reader fic right now that updates weekly! This was actually a little warmup to get the writing going lol

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#wink writes 💗#alastor #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor x reader #alastor hazbin hotel #radio demon #hazbin #alastor the radio demon #alastor smut #alastor headcanons #hazbin hotel

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