#definition of character who deserved better

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𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝'𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡

pairing: denki kaminari x reader

word count: 4.8k words

a/n: i'm so glad i finished this and i hope you all like this because i loved writing this. denki's girlfriend is possibly one of the worst people ever...

content warnings: cheating(denki cheats on his girlfriend with reader), praise, unprotected sex, creamie/coming inside, body worship, denki's girlfriend is the absolute worst, multiple orgasms, pining, reader has some self esteem issues and self doubts but denki shows her how perfect she is, oral(f!recieving), denki calls condoms rubber, reader is in denial, petnames, reader is hinted to be chubby, - mdni/18+

you didn't even want to be here... you always got a bad vibe off of them. you're 'friends' with mina but just barely, yet somehow she's dragged you to a party with people who you're definitely not 'friends' with.

at least kaminari is here, he always smiles at you and makes conversation with you even if his girlfriend is a total bitch and probably is the worst out of all of them.

you miss the time before you knew they were dating. somehow after finding that out his girlfriend seemed even worse and more entitled.

you walk into the kitchen in hopes to get another drink but instead you hear that bitch and you had a feeling she was originally talking about you and it was confirmed when she said your name. "i don't know why she's even here. the only reason mina invited her was out of pity." she says spitefully. your eyes well up with tears, maybe you did get invited out of pity, mina is someone who would do that, she knows you don't have many friends.

this whole time you don't realise kaminari is behind you hearing the same thing you are and his face twists in disgust as he hears his girlfriend carry on speaking, "she's just so boring, it's no wonder she's single." your heart fills heavy, it's not your fault that you're single you've just never found someone you clicked with, you blame it on all the fictional characters you like and you often compared them to all your potential relationships. "she's ugly. it's almost a crime that she's at a party with us, that she's in hinami's home. when i started dating kami i met some of his other friends from school when he was younger, that's when i met mineta. the really short one y'know? short, pervy and unattractive, all around terrible guy. he's probably going to be single for the rest of his life, the only way he's not is if he dates her and even then it'll be him who's the more better looking one." they laugh.

why, why, why? what did you ever do to them?

you know you're not the most interesting or the most attractive but you don't deserve this- no one does. you don't want to make a scene but you have to leave, you can't stay here any longer. you wish you could speak up for yourself but you can't and even if you could what good would it do? so you decide to leave before you start hyperventilating, before saying goodbye to mina. turning around to leave when you literally bump into kaminari and there's an expression on his face that you've never seen before and he doesn't even try to hide it.

he looks angry. more than angry, he looks pissed. he's gripping hold of the beer he's drinking so hard that his hands are becoming white around the bottle, his jaw is clenched and his stare is hard but when he feels you bump into him his eyes soften when he looks at you and takes you in. you're biting your lip trying not to sob and tears are filling your waterline. as you see him you can't stop the dam from breaking as the tears heavily stream down your face. as you push past him you hope to never see him again- any of them.

that doesn't happen though. denki has made it a point to wiggle himself into your life, inserting himself there. it happened that very night after you left the party, about half an hour after you arrived home and changed into comfy clothes he came knocking on you door. "kaminari? how... how do you know where i live? wait, what- hold up, what are you even doing here?"

why is he wet, has it been raining? he smiles genuinely at you, even though he's soaked to the bone, freezing from the rain and so very irate with his girlfriend just seeing you cheers him up. he's never seen you in a comfortable setting before, a setting where you're not dressing up from anyone, you look even cuter than normal...

"can i come in?" he asks you and you blink slowly and heavily a few times, processing the question. it relaxes you because the way he says it sounds like a sincere questions. sometimes when people ask a question you know you have to answer a certain way, you know there is a right way.

sometimes when someone asks "can i...?" you have to say yes because saying no isn't really an option, they're not really asking you. but when you heard denki say, "can i come in?" you relax because you know you could just say no and that would be okay, he would be okay with that. if you told him no he 'can't come in' he'd just leave and won't push you to say yes or try to make you feel guilty. sometimes questions like "can i come in?" or a "can we go here?" are almost rhetorical question.

he makes you feel safe.

you nod your head and step aside letting him through. "okay," you reply softly and a little hoarsely, slightly annoyed at yourself for not speaking more louder and assertively.

"how are you feeling?"

the tether that's keeping you from becoming frustrated feels like it starts fraying "how do you think i'm feeling?" beginning to get annoyed at him because why is he even here talking to you, shouldn't he still be at hinema's house with his girlfriend?

"yeah... that's a stupid question, sorry." denki rubs the back of his head with hand and steps a little bit closer to you. "let me make you feel better," he blurts out.

"huh?"

denki steps even closer to you and gently holds onto your hand, clasping it in his. "let me... let me make you feel better. let me apologise on my girlfriends behalf..." your eyes go wide starting to have an idea about what he means but not wanting to verbalise it and jump to conclusions, worrying to get the wrong idea. "let me... show you- show you how beautiful you are, how wonderful you are." he squeezes your hand momentarily and says quietly, almost begging, "please."

"what about your girlfriend?" you say girlfriend with disdain.

"what about her? she doesn't matter. let me show you how pretty you are love."

your heartbeat increases at the nickname and your face heats up. "i- i don't know kaminari."

"denki." he says gently but authoritatively.

"what?"

"please, please call me denki." he pleads, squeezing your hand again.

"okay, denki..." you test his name on your tongue and it sounds right, like you should always be saying it.

even now you're still not sure to what compelled you to say, "please show me denki." you never regretted your answer.

it starts slowly, gently, tenderly. denki cups your cheek in his palm and kisses you, placing his other hand on your hip keeping you close to him. the longer you kiss the more hungry it becomes and you're not really sure if it was you or him that deepened the kiss and pressed your bodies up against each other.

"can i love?" he gestures to your top that he's currently fiddling with the hem of, wanting to lift it up so he can touch you properly and get a good look at you.

you hum in affirmation and keep your lips attached to his, not wanting to separate. denki slivers your top up and puts his hand where it used to be, now on your exposed supple flesh, his cold hands stroking your skin delicately. as you feel his hands you shudder remembering now about how drenched he is. "you must be freezing denki." you finally move away from his lips and see his clothes covered in rain with rain drops dripping down his hair landing on his shoulders.

"it's okay. completely worth it." denki grins at you and you suddenly feel shy by the way he's looking at you. you definitely feel pretty by his gaze, it's electrifying and makes you feel bashful all at once.

"do- do you want a towel to dry yourself off with?" denki kisses your jaw and smiles, distracting you.

"don't worry about it love." his breathe against your neck making you shiver. you pout even though he can't see you and you still worry, not wanting him to get a cold. "you keep me warm."

"but-"

denki presses his lips against yours and wraps both his arms around your waist. you moan quietly and he lifts your top up over your head. "is this okay?"

"yes please," you respond, hoping not to sound too needy.

he smirks at your tone and takes off the rest of your clothes. "jesus, you look even more beautiful than i imagined," he says quietly to himself, you're not sure if you were suppose to hear it or if he even meant to say it out loud. denki runs his hands along the curves of your body.

"you imagined me?" you match his volume and he looks startled at your question, obviously surprised that you heard what he said, you come to the conclusion that he thought he was thinking but he actually said out loud

"who wouldn't? you're beautiful." denki kisses your shoulder and holds one of your breasts in his large hands, stroking your nipple as you bite your lip to stop any embarrassing noises spilling out. you're already feeling shy as it is after denki has said such nice things about you.

after realising what you were doing he takes your chin in his hand and tilts you to look at him so you're making eye contact. "look at me. you don't need to do that. not with me. i want to see you. i want to hear all the noises you make, i want you."

denki grazes his teeth along your neck and you gasp. "those are the noises i wanted." you press your lips together trying not to smile, denki grins at how adorable you look.

he moves to take off his shirt and you thought he looked good beforehand in a casual black button up shirt but god does he look even better with it off. you thought he'd be kind of skinny but he's actually lean and a little slim. you can see some defining muscle, his arms are just the same. a couple of moles on his forearms and faint freckles dust his shoulders and upper chest. you wonder if he has light freckles on his face too because you've never once seen them but maybe you haven't looked hard enough.

you know you're probably staring a tiny bit too much at his slender waist and yellow happy trail that matches the colour of his hair and he doesn't mind one bit, happy that you like what you see and fond of your attention.

"like what you see?" he chuckles. you go to hide your face behind your hand after being caught but denki catches your wrist. "what did i tell you? i want to see you sweetheart." you have the urge to bury your face against his chest, hiding away from his gaze but you resist the urge.

everything became a little hazy after that for the next ten minutes, denki has manoeuvred you into your bedroom onto your bed, hovering over you, and keeping you in between his two arms. you pull denki down by wrapping your arms around his neck so you can kiss him again. the kiss begins slow and sweet before denki runs his tongue against your bottom lip, silently asking for access into your mouth and you grant him it. your tongues intertwine and you can still taste that cheap beer he's been drinking that's still lingering even though you've already been kissing previously.

you could kiss denki all night but he has other plans as he starts touching your breasts again and moves his hand down your body to get you ready for his cock, surprised to find that you're already wet. "wet from just a little kissing? that's so cute." he kisses your cheek and whispers against your ear.

"denki," you whine, "don't tease me."

he has to take a deep breath after hearing you whine, not wanting to let you know how bad you affect him because if you keep making noises like that he'll come in his boxers before he gets inside you. "it's okay love." he grinds himself against your thigh, groaning at the contact, letting you feel how hard he is. "i'm just the same." he says deeply and you shiver at the knowledge that denki is just as turned on as you. he's turned on by you.

his dick is almost painful with being contained in his jeans so he rushes to take them off. precome stains his grey boxers turning the area black and he takes them off too, grinning at you. the one way you would describe denki's dick is pretty, just like him so it makes sense. he's a little longer than average, circumcised and pubes trimmed. you want him inside you. now.

"do you have a- you know?" denki asks, gesturing to your bedside cabinet. he regrets not carrying any condoms in his pocket or wallet but his girlfriend only likes having sex in ones of their bedrooms. she's not a fan of spontaneous sex.

"oh, um, maybe? in the bathroom. i wasn't really expecting this and i don't- don't do this a lot... at all really." you admit, while trying to think about where you keep condoms because you must have them somewhere but you keep coming up a blank. the entire time denki's thinking about how you never do this, it makes him feel special, special that you're letting him make you feel good.

you want him... all of him. "i um-i-i'm on the pill." denki's eyes snap up to look at you.

"holy shit are you serious right now?" he asks automatically and enthusiastically, his face lighting up.

you start regretting your suggestion and denki can tell by the look on your face, he thinks he probably spooked you. "we don't need to do anything like that if you don't want to love. i can eat you out for hours. i mean hell, that sounds like at absolute dream." you giggle after hearing that. "sorry i was a bit quick and excited there, i've just never had sex without any rubber on."

you're surprised after hearing that, thinking that he's the type to go without and you tell him just that. "i think that was why i was so excited, i've always wanted too. it's always been a dream of mine and i don't like using them but i've never brought it up with any of the girls i've been with."

"well.. is it okay that i brought it up?" you ask more confident seeing that denki is delighted with the idea.

"fuck yeah. i trust you like crazy. if it was going to be anyone i'd want it to be you." he tells you, grinning. he trusts you. if he had the opportunity with anyone he'd choose you? your heart flutters.

"i don't really like condoms either and i want you, all of you." you tell him shyly and denki's heart misses a beat after your confession.

next thing you know denki is pushing his cock into, inch by inch. even though denki has already prepped you and has been touching you there is still a slight stretch. both you and denki groan simultaneously. your velvet, warm, wet walls welcome him without any barrier.

what comes out of denki next is a mixture of moans, groans, swearing and praising with each thrust. "fucking hell, holy shit sweetheart. you're fucking beautiful, most beautiful girl in the world, so pretty." with each praise and compliment every slight doubt that lingers in the back of your mind disappears, your sole focus being on the man above you. "you feel so good, lovely." he holds your hands in his, enlacing your fingers, that seems far too intimate for a supposedly one night stand to make you feel better.

he catches on to how to please you best with every gasp, noise and shake, and only after a couple minutes he seems to know your body better than you do. with every thrust he's rubbing against your g-spot, drawing circles over your clit and taking your nipple in his mouth.

you came harder than you ever came that night, multiple times with your ears going fuzzy and eyes going blurry. denki doesn't let you know but he's in the same boat, his come spilling into you, the warmth making you shudder and arch your back, grabbing onto him tightly. he's never came as much as he did and he knows that it's all because of you.

you don't know how it happened but denki ended up staying the night and leaving in the early hours of the morning. this wasn't how your night was suppose to go but you don't regret it. he did what he said he would when he arrived on your doorstep, he did make you feel better and he did make sure you didn't spend the night upset and feeling insecure and alone. that night was so shitty, his girlfriend was so shitty yet he succeeded in making it a good night.

when he came to your door you thought there was a silent understanding, a one night stand and after this he'll go back to his girlfriend. for that one night he'll be making up for what his girlfriend said but it didn't turn out like that.

you expected to not see denki for months, that is if you ever see him again. you expected to go back to calling him by his last name and trying to forget what he looks like nude and how his stomach went taunt as he was about to climax but instead you saw him a week after when he knocked on your door, slamming his lips against yours and pushing you against your wall. at least once a week for months now you would see him, you know you should feel bad for his girlfriend, he is cheating on her with you, but you don't, not in the slightest.

after the first few times denki came by again you slipped in some questions afterwards, wanting to know if he was doing this with other girls. he isn't.

wanting to know if you're still the only person he's slept with without wearing a condom. yes you are and he has no intention of changing that.

you've never asked him any questions involving morality like if he feels guilty or if he loves his girlfriend. it doesn't involve you.

you're aware now your relationship has developed more than it once was, the closest label you have would be friends with benefits. some nights denki knocks on your door unannounced, like always, with a bag of popcorn and your favourite snacks ready to watch a new film that has just come out on netflix. he's probably the closest friend you have, you stay clear of his girlfriend though, she isn't even aware that you and denki are close now. hopefully the last time she's spoken about you or thought about you was at that dreadful party and hopefully it stays that way.

denki likes his girlfriend... he does... if he was quoting mean girls he'd say something along the lines of - there's good and bad to everybody. but his girlfriend is just more upfront about it.

that would be a lie though. there are some things he likes about his girlfriend and when they're alone together it can be really good but he then remembers about how awful her attitude is towards other people. towards you. sneaking around and cheating on her is honestly rather thrilling for him and he likes the idea of silently letting you get your own back.

sometimes he'll rationalise it in his own head while he's drunk. cheating on her is okay because he's always wanted to sleep with you. it's okay because ever since you first met, denki wished you were his girlfriend.

he could never end it with his current girlfriend, his parents always ask about her and it would cause a rift in their friend group. near the beginning of their relationship his girlfriend brought herself a dog but he prefers denki over her, opting to want his attention over hers. if they did break up he knows he'd never see that dog again, he's grown to love it. it's just as much of his than it is hers but he knows that that won't matter and he'll never see him again if they broke up. they work next to each other and they go to all the same places.

he could never break up with her, he'd never hear the end of it with his parents.

so for now he gets to have some joy from getting to see you and kiss you and lay his head on your lap while you watch television together. if he tries hard enough he can almost imagine you're his girlfriend instead.

one night denki's at yours, you're not doing any explicit but you're just enjoying your night together, that is until she spoils it. denki's ringtone going off disrupts hot fuzz and he takes the call not even bothering to pause the movie. you decide to turn it down though. "kamiiiii, where are?" god her voice is grating. once a voice that spewed such nasty things about you now just sounds annoying. "i came by yours and you're not here."

denki closes his eyes shut tight, it looks to you that he's annoyed too. "sorry, i'm out tonight." he lies and know what is about to happen next.

"don't you want to see me. c'mon home, we can spend the night together." she giggles into the phone. you knew it. you knew what would happen when he answered that call from her.

denki knows he does't really have a choice without explaining where he is so he agrees to come see her. "okay, i'll be there soon." you both stay silent for a moment not talking before he breaks the silence. "i'm sorry love, we didn't even get to finish the film. i swear we can finish it next time." he apologises.

he thought he saw disappointment on your face for a second but he knows that he's just seeing things, you wouldn't be disappointed for him to go, you're not like that, he knows to you that he's just someone to fuck. he knows that you're using him to get back at his girlfriend. he doesn't mind that one bit though, as long as you're in his life.

"you can watch the rest without me if you wanted to." he tells you getting up from the sofa.

you shake your head, "no, no, it's fine. we can watch it next time. bye kaminari."

'oh no she's annoyed at me, she called me kaminari. she hasn't called me that in months. maybe she wanted to have sex tonight and i've ruined her plans. i can't stay now though, i'm already leaving. i'll have to make it up to her.'

you don't know why you called him kaminari, you knew it was petty but that didn't stop you from saying it. sometimes you get so caught up with denki you forget that outside of your home he isn't yours and he never will be. you're just sleeping together, that's all, and you don't want anything more than that... you don't...

denki thought about you all night, you never left his mind. he hates that he left you but he felt like he had no option. if he was anyone else he would have enough sense to distance himself from you but when it comes to you his judgement gets cloudy and he'll do whatever he can to be in your life, even if that involves lying through his teeth to everyone about where he is.

two nights after denki left after the phone call he came to yours with a takeaway in his hand and a grin on his face. he doesn't actually say the word 'sorry,' he doesn't acknowledge that he left abruptly, he just grins and asks "hot fuzz?"

you match his grin and let him in. you thought maybe you would be a little annoyed with denki after seeing him in your doorway but you realised that you had no right to be annoyed. you're not his girlfriend.

one takeaway and half a film after you're playing with denki's hair and he hums in happiness and gratitude. "i could have you play with my hair all night but do you want to take this to the bedroom love? i'm still pretty hungry." he takes your hands away from his head so he can kiss your wrist and winks at you. you roll your eyes and call him an idiot. "just for you sweetheart." it just came out and both of you heard. denki splutters and tries to backtrack what he said but it's too late, his whole entire face is red and his eyes are wide and you're doing no better. you haven't fully processed the words yet but you're sure it was accidental, it's just denki being denki. you turn your head away from him, nervous and embarrassed. your cheeks feel like they're on fire and you don't think you have the courage to look at him in the eye. even though you've talked yourself into how it was denki just being denki you still can't look at him.

the implications that he's yours makes you incredibly happy but you don't even want to accept that, after all you just see him as a friend. he's a good fuck. you're absolutely in denial. at least he isn't. he knows he wants you to be his, fully, completely, body and mind.

you both end up trying to ignore what he said, haphazardly but relatively successful, pivoting back to denki's offer of going to the bedroom. "denks are we taking this to the bedroom or not?"

'god she's amazing.' he's so glad you aren't acting weird.

denki's got his head between your plush thighs, he's holding onto them keeping them open so you don't close them and stop him. licking a strip along your pussy, before flicking your clit a few times with his tongue and then lapping up your juices as he plays with your breast and moaning at your taste. "denki, don't do that, it's embarrassing."

he looks up from where he's laying to see you, "what? enjoy myself. don't complain or i won't let you come."

the threat of not being allowed an orgasm shuts you up, knowing that denki will absolutely deliver on that threat if he wants to. you know that he would eat you out for hours not letting your come once.

you loose track of time, your hips start rolling uncontrollably and you grab hold of his hair. "don't get greedy sweetheart, you'll come when i say you can." he holds down your thighs to stop you from moving and kisses your hip, sucking to form a mark on your soft skin. his mark.

for all his threats he does let you come. "you've been so behaved. so good sweetheart," he mumbles against your skin. you come again and again. he finally lets up and you watch him lick his lips and wink at you. you turn your head away from him and he chuckles. his erection is visible even with his jeans on and denki flops down on the bed next to you, drawing you closer so you're laying next to each other, his arm under you.

reaching down to his jeans you start stroking him through his clothes. "don't worry about that, not tonight. i just wanted to look after you, make you feel good." he places a chaste kiss on you forehead.

"you always make me feel good," you tell him honestly and his heart feels like it's beating out of his chest.

"then my work here is done." he replies and you giggle. he is completely and utterly in love with you.

he can't tell you, no matter how much he wants to. you don't feel the same way and he can't lose you.

how much longer will you stay in denial for?

will his girlfriend ever find out about you two? maybe that will be your tipping point. maybe her finding out will make you realise that you want denki more than a quick fuck or a friend. maybe her finding out will be what you need. you're in love with denki.

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[dollypopup]

I think a lot of people kind of miss the whole point of Polin.

There's conversation now about whether or not Penelope will accept Colin's proposal at the end of episode 4, and the cliffhanger being his infamous 'For God's sake, Penelope, will you marry me or not?' line from the books. And at first, there was all this buzz about how she'll say no and that's the cliffhanger because what if she picks someone else instead? What if he has to spend Part 2 convincing her?

In fairness to the fandom, that was dashed rather quickly. Firstly, we all know she won't say no to continue some semblance of a love triangle, because Debling is the personification of if flour was a spice, and he's not in part 2. Furthermore, it doesn't make much sense to have part 2 be Colin convincing her, when something much more pressing is hanging above them. Because the fandom caught on quickly as to the real conflict:

Does Penelope say yes to Colin, and continue hiding the fact that she's Lady Whistledown? Does she say no out of concern and part 2 is the unveiling? Or does she say no, and confesses?

And I think in our heart of hearts we already know: Penelope will say yes.

And in doing so, she will lie to him. Hide from him. And Lady Whistledown becomes the guillotine over their heads in part 2.

1: Penelope is on a narrative of self growth in Season 3. All leads are, but Penelope's narrative of growth is specifically to come out of the shadows. To be honest and open and brave in the light with nothing but herself and her own voice. And being those things? Yeah, not her strong suit as a character. It's the biggest pitfall she has, and it will not resolve halfway through. Penelope changes her outward appearance, and it still doesn't bring her full peace. Nicola herself has said that. She changes outwardly, but not inwardly, and that's where the real work has to be done. Lady Whistledown is proof that work has not been committed to. She is the manifestation of Penelope's fears of being herself aloud. A literal anonymous persona that can say what she feels she cannot aloud. Lady Whistledown is Penelope hiding, a wallflower in a masquerade mask. She's not going to be brave enough by Episode 4 to tell Colin. That's a whole season long arc. Furthermore

2: We would *all* say yes. All of us. We would all lie and hide in her circumstances. Here is the man she loves, who she has loved for years, coming to her and saying he wants her and cares for her and wants to marry her. She's not putting that in jeopardy. She says no to Debling (thank god, the man's an NPC in every definition of the word, Penelope deserves better) and so her options have narrowed, and really, she only *ever* wanted Colin. He has always been the ultimate desire of her heart. So she says yes to Colin. She wants to and she will. She wants *him*, and now she can have him. And in doing so, she fully solidifies herself as Marina's parallel. WHICH IS THE POINT.

2. a. sidequest: Marina is a vital part of Polin's story, but the fandom has missed that point. Instead of seeing what she as a character was meant to represent in their grand narrative, the fandom has instead demonized her. But in the same way Debling is a plot device to Polin's love story, so was Marina. Now, Marina at least got her own narrative, unlike Debling, who ONLY exists to be a plot point, but this is an analysis of Marina as a player in a narrative that isn't her own. I think Marina is a wonderful character, and I have a lot of sympathy for her, but the fandom saw her and villainized her. Which is SO not the point of her role in Polin's love story. The writers are all but slapping us in the face about that. EVERY character has sympathy for Marina. The narrative wants us to understand she was in difficult circumstances and did what she thought was best as a vulnerable young woman to survive. Which is the same, I imagine, it will do for Penelope in Season 3.

No, Marina's purpose in that particular narrative was to prove who Colin is as a suitor and a potential romantic match. That Colin is warm and open hearted, he is caring and empathetic, he is romantic, and most importantly, Colin is *forgiving*. When he says he would have married Marina regardless of her life altering and reputation ruining secret, that is to set him up for marrying Penelope regardless of her life altering and reputation ruining secret!!! That is the *whole* point!!!

And just like Marina, Penelope hides her truth from him, in fear of losing all that she has. I hope that kind of parallel FINALLY inspires some sympathy in our fandom for both these women, who, in Ruby Barker's wonderful words, are just players in a crappy game.

3: Even in being a sympathetic choice, it is still a cruelty she commits unto Colin. Because up until that point, they really don't owe each other much of anything. Yes, they have a friendship, and that comes with expectations, but in accepting a proposal, she owes him honesty. And she cannot give that to him. Colin lays all his cards down on the table for her to see, and she keeps her own hidden. Just like Shonda said, this becomes a relationship built on the foundation of a lie. It's the cracking open of that lie that finally allows them to be a fully realized couple. Colin loves a version of Penelope that isn't fully real, just like Penelope loved a version of Colin that wasn't fully real. An idealization of their selves. His temper, how he can sometimes say the wrong thing, his jealousy, his bitterness: she does not KNOW these things. But Whistledown unearths them. Just like he doesn't see *her* jealousy and bitterness, her temper, and how SHE can say and do the wrong thing. And, once more, *Whistledown unearths them*. They're not a happy perfect couple by the end of Part 1, because she lies to him. She accepts his proposal, and in doing so, she starts the clock. Tick Tock, how long does it take to tell him?

4: She doesn't tell him. I am fully of the mind that he has to find out on his own that she's LW. Perhaps Eloise sets a time limit for her, that she HAS to tell her brother (she's afraid, of course. what if he's mad? what if he doesn't want to marry her anymore?) (and what of him? what of Colin? does he not deserve to know?), or she'll tell him herself, but Penelope will likely try and then shrink back. She *wants* to tell him. I think that'll be the crux of Part 2. She wants to be honest with him, but she's afraid. So, like most of us when it comes to difficult circumstances, she'll hold off on it. And hold off on it.

Until he finds out on his own.

5: He'll find out on his own. And he will be *brutally betrayed by the news*. Not necessarily that she's LW, though that's a gut punch in and of itself, but more so that she kept it from him. That they've been intimate together, and bare with each other, and that she kept it from him. Keeping it from him as a friend is considerably different than keeping it from him as a lover and a fiance. They will be sharing a life together. A name, a home, and any punishments that befall her. The *Queen of England* is in her pursuit, she is, essentially, tying him to her in all events with the binding of marriage, and he sinks or swims with her. That's a pretty hefty thing to keep from a partner. And on top of it, he'll be hurt by the *lies*. That she could not confide in him. That he told her the truth, but she couldn't tell him the truth, and that will be painful. When it came to marrying Marina, it wasn't the pregnancy, the circumstance itself that he felt was a betrayal, but the lie. Same with Penelope: it isn't that she's Lady Whistledown, it's that she kept it from him. She also slagged him off plenty in it if rumours are anything to go by, and that (SPOILER) at the end of Episode 1, she trash talked him in the article right after they made amends, and is relatively horrified that she wrote it in anger and it was published after everything smoothed over. Even still, she has hurt him with that publication, too. It's a firestorm of things for him to be upset by.

6: And he still marries her. Here is a woman who has arguably hurt him the worst, done a greater harm and insult to him than anyone else, and he chooses to still marry her. Because he's angry, but he loves her. She betrays him and insults him and lies to him, but he loves her. She knew him, got close to him, let him speak to her of things that he would blush to speak to with anyone else (that line from S2 was WILD Colin, I see you, trusting boy), and she slags him off in her public article, and she pretends like she has nothing to hide, and she says yes to him even though she knows he doesn't like LW and that she'll have to tell him eventually, and what does Colin do? He forgives her. He forgives her and he asks her to stay and he loves her. He's jealous of her success, and he's upset that she lied to him, and he absolutely blows up. But after all that facade is stripped away, after all the lies and secrets are flayed aside and they are just Col and Pen, who are imperfect people with a hell of a devotion to each other, they know they're living a really beautiful love story. No pretenses, no pretend, just him, and just her, in the light, holding hands.

Because the whole point of Polin is being seen. Being seen and being accepted. Sometimes, you don't like what you see of a person. Penelope didn't like all she saw of Colin, and Colin won't like all he sees of Penelope, but they come to appreciate those parts of each other because in loving one another, they recognize that these imperfect, unsavory aspects of them make them who they are. And so they come out of it stronger.

So yes, Penelope says yes. Yes, Penelope lies to him. And yes, we'll have debates about it when Part 1 comes out, of 'she would never do that to him!!!' or 'well, she did it for xyz and oueyigohp;wfnd'

but in the end, I think it makes the most sense that she has to make this fuck up (and it is a fuck up, absolutely it is) so that they can grow from it. In the same way he had to fuck up so they can grow from it.

And that's the whole point.

#polin #penelope featherington #colin bridgerton #bridgerton #bridgerton s3 #media comprehension and analysis is alive and well and i'm here to prove that #'but dolly it isn't that deep' IT IS DEEP TO ME!!!! IT IS DEEP IF I WANNA MAKE IT DEEP #and also it is absolutely that deep #polin my beloved #the fandom does a disservice to the beauty of this couple but i see you my darlings I SEE YOU

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a startling realization pt2

See my full list of works here!

Summary: Oakley finally finds the words to explain what he's been feeling for you, but the sudden reappearance of someone from his immediate past threatens to dampen the mood. And ruin any progress he's had toward becoming more with you.

Pairing: Oakley x Reader

Word Count: 5.2k (get some drinkies ready)

Warning/s: angy boi Oakley at the elderly (she had it coming); bit of angst; language (like maybe 2 cuss words) [let me know if i missed anything!]

Things to be aware of: only one bed trope at the end; special guest Hiddles character mentioned; jealous and clingy Oakley hours

Note to self: Find a massive care package for Y/N's sister to thank her for the new dresses, Oakley typed away at his phone, giving himself a reminder as he looked outside the cafe to where you were seated, admiring the way today's wine-colored dress made you look like a doll. Every dress the last few days did, and it always gave him the perfect opportunity to offer you his jacket if ever you started getting chills during your classes.

It was a rare beautifully sunny morning, and he told you to find a seat outside, beat the rest of the customers to it. He'd take care of ordering for the both of you. Much as he still didn't consider himself a morning person in the least, these hours he got to spend with you before your first class for the day made it well worth the adjustment. Especially today, that he was blessed with the vision of the morning light bathing you in such an ethereal glow.

You were more than a doll today, you were an angel. At the risk of blaspheming any deity out there, he might even call you a goddess.

It was just too bloody bad for him that other men were beginning to notice the change in your appearance, too. Some frat boys blatantly ogling you and nudging their mates to get a good eyeful as well, others even being so bold that they outright approached you to tell you how nice you'd been looking this week. While he was visibly in your company, no less.

And then…there was the worst of them all, at least to him. Your thesis advisor. Professor Laing. Who saw you even before your sister's intervention. Who showered you with admittedly well-deserved praises for being one of the brightest amongst his students.

Who saw you for everything you were worth even before Oakley himself did because he was so caught up in enjoying his life as a boy, that he didn't realize that a better life could have been waiting for him as a man.

Who was standing outside by your table, chatting it up with you with that blinding grin of his that he seemed to only have for you. Every other student in your year only ever got that menacing grimace as if he was lambasting every word that came out their mouth. No one dared approach him to become their thesis adviser, but for you…for you the professor approached you himself. Saved you the trouble of lining up with everyone else on the faculty and fighting your classmates for slots.

You were the only one he took on.

This was definitely a new emotion, the pounding in his chest, the furious breaths he was taking through his nose as he watched the two of you outside. Before there was only a mild irritation whenever he took notice of how much nicer the otherwise grouchy professor was to you. But now? Now it felt as if someone lit a fire under his arse. Now his insides were writhing with something he'd rarely, if ever, dealt with before.

Jealousy.

Laing made a motion as if to take the seat across from you, and from what he could see of your face, you seemed apologetic, explaining to him that it was already taken. "Yes, that's right, the seat's mine, you pompous wanker," Oakley muttered under his breath, forcing a civil thin line of a smile across his face when the older man looked into the cafe, his own bright smile fading into its signature grimace before he nodded at both of you, before saying something else to you, briefly touching your shoulder, and crossing the street toward the campus proper.

The elderly lady at the register cleared her throat, motioning for him to step forward. "A fry up with the works and a cup of decaf," he said absentmindedly, browsing the lineup of pastries for something down your alley.

"And for your girlfriend, dearie?"

The word felt like a jolt of electricity all over his body, all the way to the tips of his fingers. The roots of his hair.. "Erm, she's not my girlfriend, but I'll get two of those jalapeño cheese puffs, a lemon bar, and your largest iced coffee as well."

"Could've fooled me, dearie," she shot back at him. "The way you looked at her, your pupils might as well be heart-shaped." He handed her his credit card when she told him the total, his mind still fixating on that word.

Did he want that for you? Was he ready to put your friendship on the line for the chance of becoming something…more? How would you react if he told you he'd been thinking about you endlessly since he got back from Italy? Was he ready for the possibility of you rejecting him?

Did everyone that saw him in the last few days know what was going on in his mind whenever he looked at you? Was he that much of an open book that literal strangers could decipher him so easily?

And if strangers had read him within moments…had you read him, too?

"She's my friend," he said softly, the words fighting against him as if it hurt him to say. "How am I supposed to tell her--"

"I've been here quite a while, dearie," the lady cut him off. "And I've seen all kinds of stories play out in this here cafe. You're not the first ladykiller I've seen wanting to go down the reformation route, and you certainly won't be the last. I'll tell you what I've told every single one before you. You can't go about thinking about how to tell her, if you don't even know the words yourself yet. Once you can tell yourself how you feel about this girl, that's the only time you can start even thinking about how you're going to woo her."

Oakley began to stew over more questions, starting with whether he even knew for himself quite yet these feelings he was having for you. How long would it take for him to know what they were? Where would he even start to find the words?

What if someone else found his words faster? Told you before he ever could? Or even worse…

What if someone else already knew how he felt, and could articulate those feelings better than Oakley ever could his own? Someone who had years of experience on him, and was so visibly smitten with you, it was almost endearing that you hadn't ever noticed it?

"What if I tell her and it's already too late? Or she doesn't feel the same?" What if all she'll ever see in me is the randy scoundrel that juggled two affairs in Italy?

"Then at least you would have told her. Letting your words remain unsaid will weigh down on you your whole life. Until they burst out of you. Or they crush you."

The sound of the service bell from the kitchen effectively stopped the conversation dead in its tracks, leaving Oakley to process the sage woman's words as she brought the tray to him.

"Enjoy your breakfast, dearie. And your company."

Before he lifted the tray, he snuck a glance at your seat again, his blood going cold when he caught sight of the woman walking away from your table. He hadn't seen her face, not completely, just a glimpse of the side of her face.

That was all he needed, though. He knew that frame, so well that it made him uneasy. Anna.

Once he made his way to you, there was a faraway look in your eyes, repeatedly scanning the same page on your notes as if nothing was sinking in. "Y/N…"

You started in your seat, looking a bit like a cartoon as you shook your head rapidly to get out of whatever thoughts were running through your head. Then your mouth stretched into a strained smile again. Just like the night he got back.

The unsettling pit in his stomach returned, a mixture of shame and fear flooding him now that a part of what he wanted to leave in the past had followed him and found its way to you. He couldn't help himself anymore, he reached across the table and took your hand in his, desperately trying to close the steadily growing distance he was feeling between you two.

"Y/N what's wrong? That woman that was just here what did she--"

"She's quite lovely," you told him, your strained smile unwavering as your eyes flickered to your joint hands. "Just wanted to check up on you since she couldn't call your mobile anymore. You really shouldn't let the people that care about you worry like that, Oakley."

You returned your focus to your notes, pulling your hand away from his to trace along your line of sight on the piece of paper, and at the same time deflating him of any hope that he had that perhaps you two would have a rather pleasant morning. Simply joking around and roaming about the campus until it was time for your classes together.

He was hoping that maybe today you would be open to the idea of having dinner with him. He would dress all nice and bring you to one of those frilly restaurants with wait staff and fancy wine glasses. Before you two would pick up some pizza for your all-nighter at his apartment.

Any hopes of today having any form of levity faded into nothing all because Anna wasn't one to let go. She'd tried to impose herself into Oakley's life and when she failed, she instead drove you away from him.

His panic worsened when you placed your things in your book bag, only throwing a cursory glance at the tray he'd brought out. No no, please don't leave, he wanted to plead with you. Beg you if he needed to. Don't take my light away. My home.

"Wait…Y/N, where are you going?" He couldn't find it in him to speak any louder, the lump in his throat making it hard to even breathe. Please stay.

"Professor Laing passed by while you were inside. Told me his schedule's cleared up for the day and I won't have to wait until after lunch to consult with him about my thesis." His chest felt a sharp pinch at your monotonous answer, not even a hint of your usually playful tone present. Like you were just trying to get out with as little fuss as possible.

"But…" he uttered, his voice barely a whisper. Maybe even a whimper. "What about breakfast?" he asked you lamely. "I got your favorites." Please stay.

The smile you gave him now was mirthless. Civil. "If I hurry perhaps I can find that lady friend of yours. She could join you, have a lovely morning together."

"No, no, Y/N stop." He placed his hands over yours, grabbing hold of your book bag for dear life. The words he was biting back from before began to spill out. "She doesn't mean anything to me. Just…just…please? Sit and we'll just finish our meal together and I can walk you to Laing's office myself." Please stay. Stay with me.

"She might not mean anything to you," you muttered, your hands stilling when his thumbs began to stroke the inside of your wrists, the gesture a touch too intimate for the two of you. "But clearly you mean something to her. She went all this way to see you--"

"That's obsession, Y/N, not affection. She doesn't care about me. Not in the ways that matter." Not like how I care about you. "Please?" he tried again. "Breakfast? Then straight to Laing's office. No detours, no distractions." And no ghosts from my past trying to drive a wedge between us.

He finally felt like he could breathe again when you sat back down on your seat, taking a bite from your puff pastry with a ghost of a smile playing on your lips when the cheese and jalapeño hit your taste buds. "You weren't kidding when you said you picked out my favorites," you mumbled, covering your mouth with your hand while you spoke. "Thank you."

"You know I've always been curious what is it about those pastries that you love so much. The lemon bars I understand. Coffee…I've accepted we'll never be on the same page with that--"

"To you, Goldie, it's a necessary evil. To me, it's like petrol to a car," you explained to him. "I need it if I want to function properly. Now as for these pastries…" You cut a small piece from your pastry, making a motion to hand the fork over to him. "Since you bought today's breakfast, I think it's only right that I share and help you satisfy your curiosity."

The Anna-shaped cloud that hung over your heads seemed to have been shoo'd away. At least for now. Oakley made a note to have a word with her if she was still hanging around campus after he walked you to your session with Laing.

For now he was more than content to enjoy the moment with you, wrapping his comparatively larger hand around your wrist and holding the fork in place. Then he held your gaze as he closed his lips around the tines, offering you a little smirk as he handed you back your now empty fork.

The remainder of breakfast passed quickly. Too quickly, if he was being completely honest with himself. Before he knew it he was already walking you toward your thesis adviser's office, once again fighting against the urge to wrap his hand around yours. To lace your fingers together.

"Alright so…I'll see you later tonight then." Your words violently yanked him back to the present moment. Tonight? "All nighter? Our thesis portfolios?" Your face fell for a fraction of a moment before stretching into that smile that now instilled the fear of God in him. He never wanted to have to see you smile like that again. To wear a mask around him. "But if you're going to be catching up with your lady friend I totally understand, we can always reschedule--"

"I'm not," he cut you off, frantically placing his hands on your shoulders. Part of him was fearful that if he didn't, you would have just slipped away. "Of course we're still on for tonight. I just--Won't I see you in class?" He was tripping over his own words, trying to get them out fast enough that you'd know he was far from wanting to cancel plans with you.

In fact he wanted to make more plans with you, if he could.

"Oh…right…" you said in an exhale, your features twisting into a sheepish expression. "Tiny thing…I took the exception exams. And I passed. I'm pretty much done with--Well, everything, really. Except this portfolio. I technically don't have to attend any more classes unless I just want to be a nuisance to our instructors. Or annoy the living daylights out of you."

There was another pinch in his chest as the information sunk in. Now he was going to have even less time with you? He must have pissed off some deity of confused and conflicted emotions, because they were making it increasingly difficult for him to find the time with you so he could make sense of what exactly it was he was feeling.

Why every time he saw you all he wanted was to have you right next to him. To put his arm around you, not even to tell every onlooker that you were with him, but rather just to feel you there with him.

Why the moment you parted ways all he could think about was when he would see you again, his thumbs hovering over the buttons on his mobile, itching to send you a message. To make plans for the next day. For the weekend.

For after graduation, wherever that would take you.

"That's…that's wonderful news, Y/N. Truly. No one in our class has worked harder than you. No one deserves a breather more. I'll see you tonight, then."

He wanted to place a kiss on your forehead. Or perhaps your cheek. But the fear set in again that if he did, that was a bell he couldn't unring, and he wasn't even fully aware what bell it even was to begin with. So instead he handed you his jacket instead, draping it over your shoulders.

"In case you get cold."

There was a glimmer of something in your eye before you gave him a soft, warm smile, the kind that started to show that little dimple in your cheek. A real smile. The kind he'd been dreaming about seeing on your face when he pulled away after kissing you.

"Thanks, Goldie. Try not to take a nap during the lectures."

He stayed at the bottom of the steps leading up to the Faculty of English building until you'd made your way inside, offering him a tiny wave before the doors closed. There were words at the tip of his tongue, itching to be said, that was pure uncharted territory for him.

The mere thought of commitment scared the living daylights out of him; this wasn't his forte. Never had been. He wasn't the kind that thought about cleaning his apartment and making room in his drawers and counters for your things. The kind that only thought about spending the foreseeable future with one woman and deleting every other contact in his phone that he'd collected over the years for short lived flings.

He wasn't the type that planned for the long haul, the kind that wanted to be someone's husband.

And yet for you…he wanted to be that type of man. He wanted to go on an adventure with you that wouldn't last a few fleeting days.

The sound of Eric and Marcus chuckling as he approached the lecture halls brought him back to the present, his blood turning cold when he saw who it was they were laughing with.

"Oh look there he is! Oaks! Look who popped by for a visit." Marcus waved him over, Eric making crude gestures behind both him and Anna. There was an unease in the older woman's eyes as he approached, as if part of her knew that coming here, finding some out of left field manner to insert herself into his life, had crossed a line in the sand that he'd never thought of drawing.

In truth he'd thought that the boundaries were implicit enough when they all parted ways a week ago. He was wrong.

"What're you doing here, Anna?" There was no warmth in his tone, her smile immediately dropping when she realized that he wouldn't be one for niceties. Not anymore.

"I--Well my calls weren't coming through and I'd begun to worry and since I was traveling and passing by the area--"

"Well then isn't that sweet, Oaks, the lovely Anna here was worried about you--"

"Too worried," he butted in again, the grim and unimpressed expression on his face unmoving. "So you came here to…what then, exactly? Did you have hopes of starting back up what never should have been back in Italy?"

"Oakley, darling, why are you like this--"

"I'm not your darling," he snarled, his nostrils flaring with the anger starting to boil up inside him. There's only one woman I wish to call me that and she barely even wishes to look at me since you invaded our morning. "I made mistakes on that getaway and I have to live with those memories. But I don't appreciate when those memories are trying to once again be present in my life while I'm trying to build for my future."

"Your future?" she repeated, scoffing. "That quaint little thing outside the cafe? I met her. She seems like a nice enough girl. Smells awfully familiar. But Oakley you don't possibly think a girl trying to build her own life would want to already be shackled down by something as defining as being 'your future'? Girls like Y/N--"

"Don't you dare say her name," he cut her off, the older woman immediately clamping her mouth shut. "You don't get to talk about her and belittle her as if she's something beneath you." He stepped closer, standing at his full height and imposing herself in her personal space. "Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough what the boundaries were when we all parted ways, and that's on me. But I'm going to make them clear now. Italy and boyish trysts and letting women barely more than strangers cling to me affectionately? That is firmly in my past. And I won't respond with kindness to anyone that tries to go against my wishes. Am I clear enough now?"

She could barely meet his eyes, fidgeting in place like she was trying to fight against the instinct to back away. But she insisted on her own convictions. "Y-You're young, you-you don't possibly know what or who you want yet, you need g-guidance--"

"I know who I want and it's not you." He'd begun to raise his voice, passersby stopping in their tracks and turning their heads to watch the commotion. "This will be the last time I repeat myself. What happened in Italy is my past. And there is only room for one woman in my future. And you met her outside the cafe. Must I make myself any clearer for you?" She shook her head mutely, already shuffling away to the side.

"I-I understand," she stammered. "I hope she'll make you happy."

"She will," he shot back without missing a beat. "If she even gives me a chance after whatever it is you might have told her." She gave him a single nod, waving a final goodbye to his friends before awkwardly stepping further backward and away from them. "One more thing, Anna. It'd be wise for you to lose my number. I had yours blocked. That's why your calls weren't going through." Her face fell even further, eyes misting over. "At the very least you deserve some semblance of closure. There you go."

He walked away before she or anyone else could say anything further, the faint sound of his mates giving her a haphazard goodbye registering in his ears before he heard their heavy stomping footsteps as they caught up to him.

"Bit cold, Oaks."

"She wasn't getting the hint," he deadpanned. "Coulda been nicer, I'll admit that. But I also coulda been worse. Considering she was beginning to belittle Y/N like that."

"So…Y/L/N, huh?" Marcus queried, trying to change the course of the conversation. "Got your whole life with her all planned out and everything?"

"Yep. Y/N," he answered, unable to help the smile that stretched across his face even saying your name. "And maybe not everything. Not yet. All I know is wherever I'm going, I wanna be going there with her. No one else."

"Well, mate, it's about bloody time," Eric quipped, clapping both his hands on Oakley's shoulders. "Slight problem…doesn't she kinda see you as just…oh I don't know, a friend?"

"Yeah…I was hoping you two could take a pause from your dick wetting trips in Sorority Row and help me with that. Make her see me as something other than…well, whatever the fuck she's seen since Freshman Year." He felt so awkward even admitting it to these two. He needed help with a girl. No. A woman.

Quite possibly the last woman, if things went his way.

The sound of the egg timer going off jolted you and Oakley out of your last review session for the night, handing each other back the articles you'd been peer-reviewing for the past half hour. "Goldie, you know you were supposed to critique these, right? I'm finding no marks on any of these."

"That's because I couldn't find any parts to critique," he answered. He couldn't help but smile watching your mouth form into a pout at his words, brows furrowing as your eyes scanned the page, no doubt critiquing your own work now. He grabbed the ultra-fine tip dark green pen from your hand before it could touch the paper. "Your work is concise, and yet offers explanations where needed without going on for too long. There's no part that felt it went on for ages or needed more meat to it. My honest opinion? Your works are borderline perfect even Laing would be proud."

You let out a little hmph, looking over the pages again. "Funny that Laing said nearly the same thing," you muttered, shaking your head at the words you were scanning over. "But there has to be something--"

"Y/N," he cut you off, giving a gentle but firm tug to the papers to get them out of your hands. "If even Professor Stick in the Mud Immovable Object Laing said that it's perfect as it is, take the win and just use the rest of your time to…I don't know, kick back? Get some sleep? You're beginning to get bags under your eyes and if they go any further you can start carrying your books around in them."

He reached over to trace the curved line under your eyes with his finger to emphasize his point, causing you to break out into that lilting laugh that he adored from you. You swatted away his hand, sticking your tongue out at him. "You just want me to stop working on mine so I can help you with yours."

Oakley only responded with holding his hands up in surrender, giving you a slight shrug. "Only partly guilty as charged, darling." He bit the inside of his cheek at the endearment that slipped out. It felt too natural, rolling off his tongue with as much ease as his next breath. "Rest first. Then if I get another batch of red pages from Professor Adams I'll ask for your help. I wanna at least try to get through this without calling in the cavalry."

"The Cavalry…" you repeated, drawling out each syllable as a your smile grew even wider. Brighter. "How flattering." You stretched your arms upward, finally letting out a yawn. The fabric of your pajama top rose to expose your stomach from the motion, making you quickly put your arms down when the cold air hit your skin. "So erm…like always? Help me with the couch?"

Your ask brought to surface a rather unfortunate circumstance. "Right, about the couch…Eric stayed over a couple days ago, absolutely shit-faced and…" He made a motion to simulate throwing up, making your face scrunch up in terror. "I haven't gotten around to seeing if I can get it cleaned yet--"

"Cleaned?!" you shrieked, horror coloring your features when you realized that all he'd done was wipe away the sick, turn the cushion to the other side, and spray a mix of Febreze and bleach to the area. "Oakley, if I were you, I'd use that shiny trust fund that you're trying to deplete faster than it earns interest into throwing this one out and getting an entirely new couch."

"I'll work on getting it cleared out of here first thing in the morning," he swore, making you break out into a smile when he held up his hand in a scout's honor. "You can go ahead and crash in my room, and I'll take the couch tonight. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you earlier, it completely slipped my mind--"

"Nonsense, I'm not kicking you out of your own bedroom, Goldie. And making you sleep on cushions with dried up sick in it is just cruel and unusual punishment, I won't stand for it." You stood from your seat at the table, putting your things away in your book bag. "I appreciate the offer, but if this is the hand we've been dealt, then maybe we won't be able to stick to the usual schedule of an all-nighter tonight. How's about I head back to my dorm and I'll just swing by in the morning--"

"Y/N have you lost your lid, it's dark out," he blurted out, panic rising in him at the thought of you going out and walking back at this hour. "Well after dark, actually. Most of the lights outside have been shut off since the shops closed hours ago."

You huffed out a long breath, placing your hands on your hips and wracking your brain for another solution. "Well then if this is the hand that we're dealt, I suppose we'll have to sleep at the very edges of your bed, then."

He nearly choked on his own spit. "Pardon?" The same bed? With you? He might just lose out on every urge to hold you in his arms through the night. Or kiss you.

"I don't know, it's the only idea coming to me short of me sleeping on the rug--"

"You're not sleeping on the ground," he said sternly, his tone visibly taking you aback. "Pick a side then, right or left?"

"Right," you answered him after a few beats.

Oakley hadn't slept a wink that night, whereas you had no issues slipping right into slumber within minutes of easing yourself into your side of the bed, unwittingly giving him the most vivid glimpse into what a life, a future with you would be like. Especially when just under an hour after your breathing had evened out, you rolled on to your side and your sleeping form had draped your arm across his stomach, snuggling into his side and resting your head on his shoulder.

His breath caught in his throat, trying to fight the tears that pricked in the back of his eyes as more visions of what your life together could look like. As the words that he stomped back down his throat every time they threatened to come out finally stumbled clumsily from his lips the moment he placed his arm around you, tracing along your cheekbone with his other hand.

"I love you," he whispered, taking every ounce of his strength not to press a kiss to the tip of your nose, settling for tracing his finger along the bridge of it instead. "I don't know what I want for the rest of my life yet, but I know who I want to be there with me for the journey and it's you. It can only ever be you."

He pressed a ghost of a kiss to your forehead, holding you close as you slept through the night. All the while he was making a list in his head of arrangements to make for after graduation. For his future. And perhaps, if you felt the same, your future together.

Starting with a two-bedroom apartment for the two of you to move into once you were finished with this final semester.

A/N: A sequel to this story is already up for y'all to enjoy in the form of 'just another memory', so we all already know what becomes of Oakley and Reader in this story 🥹 Also there won't be anything that becomes of Reader and ✨Professor Laing✨…at least not the Reader from this story, because she's already very much down bad for Goldie Long Legs

'everything' taglist: @simplyholl @loopsisloops @imalovernotahater @coldnique @loz-3 @huntress-artemiss @salempoe @vickie5446 @athalialaufeyson @lokiprompts @kats72 @kikster606 @asgards-princess-of-mischief @lokixryss @thomase1 @mischief2sarawr @lovingchoices14 @lunarnights95 @goblingirlsarah @iamlokisgloriouspurpose @creationsbyme @maple-seed @mjsthrillernp @ladyofthestayingpower @mygfloki @sititran @glitterylokislut @ozymdias @fictive-sl0th @lokidbadguy @mochie85 @silverfire475 @joyful-enchantress @elizabethmidnight2017 @holdmytesseract @smolvenger @gigglingtiggerv2 @lokidokieokie @lunarnights95 @superficialdomina @kmc1989 @november-rayne @goddessofwonderland @buttercupcookies-blog @peaky-marvel @lokiified @tom-hlover @dryyoursaltyoceantears @herdetectivetheorist

#oakley #oakley x reader #unrelated #tom hiddleston x reader #muddyorbs writes

[greenerteacups]

Thank you for the new chapter, it was... unexpectedly emotionally draining. That's a lot of shit my favourite 15/16 year old kids are going through, and I wish I could punch Umbridge through my screen.

My q (pls ignore if you'd rather not explain): I'd already hated canon Umbridge more than most villains I've read about, because I've encountered people like her in real life, people who love their power and love quashing powerless people just for the trip. LH!Umbridge is this, but 10x worse, and that's genuinely scary. The parts where she creates her own rules and punishes people for not playing along (the time thing), it's frustrating af working with people like that because there's no way to win. I felt drained just glimpsing into her black tarry mind. Did it drain you to write her? How do you come up with narcissistic characters doing narcissistic shit so well?

Other than that, I wish you some moments of peace and light and also some fresh flowers during your Fuckening (flowers and other cheap pretty things always help me), and I hope stuff gets better soon. One day at a time, etc.

It's been noted by others long before me that Umbridge is the MVP of Harry Potter villains, because while most of us have never thrown hands with an immortal snake-faced demigod, we have all most definitely sat in the lobby of some godawful government building and had to grovel at the hands of a misanthropic, smug, power-tripping bureaucrat who inexplicably hates everyone she's paid to assist. The combination of indignity, frustration, and helplessness those situations create is a potent cocktail for anyone, but especially children, who are uniquely powerless to stop adults from abusing them.

In terms of how I write Umbridge, I actually find her pretty interesting. Behind a lot of angry bureaucrats is a troubled, self-centered person who long ago got into politics for all the wrong reasons — because they thought they were special, because they thought they were going to rule the world — only to be crushed under the grindstone when they realized they weren't and couldn't. Then they take out their frustration on those beneath them in an attempt to simulate the power they want, but beneath all that resentment there's a stubborn streak of righteousness: they believe they deserve better, even if no one else does.

#greenteacup asks #thank you for the flowers my friend #you reminded me to get some! I'll do that today #lionheart spoilers

[my-current-obsession]

Something I both love AND hate about FF7 (the original game and everything after, including the Remake trilogy) is that it is just ambiguous and/or player-driven enough that no matter which side of the love triangle you fall on (assuming you do in fact ship Cloud with one of the girls), the majority of fans for that ship are 100% CONVINCED it's the correct/canon option.

Like, certain scenes are definitely up to interpretation, and people are going to thus have varying reads on those scenes and the characters/relationships the scenes are about. It doesn't help that several scenes change depending on the player's choices, which acts as a confirmation bias as you naturally get more time and romantic moments with the girl of your preference. It really seems to me that MOST people who ship Cloud and Aerith have one solid interpretation with a plethora of supporting evidence of the series and the romance, while most people who ship Cloud and Tifa have their own solid interpretation with plenty of evidence that is VASTLY DIFFERENT from the Clerith reading of the game.

This is not a case of "one ship is clearly, explicitly canon and fans of the opposition just like their pick better and/or think it made more sense narratively and WISH it was canon" - for an example of that, look to the Avatar the Last Airbender shipping wars. This is a case where both sides literally interpret the story just differently enough that they come to entirely different conclusions about which girl is Cloud's true love. And if either side reaches out to try and explain their viewpoint to the other, they're just met with "uh, no. You're wrong." Try and explain what Cloud might be thinking in a given scene with one of the girls, why he acts a certain way... "That's not it at all, where are you getting this? Are you delusional?"

Like, I am a Clerith shipper. I have played all the games in the compilation and watched Advent Children. I tried to be as completionist as possible, even. And I came out on the other side of really digging into the story of this game loving Cloud and Aerith's dynamic and pretty firmly convinced they were canon. Or as canon as possible in the timeline where she died. Even in that timeline it seemed clear to ME that Cloud was still heavily mourning her two years later, preferring to live in her church instead of with Tifa and ignoring Tifa's calls. But that's MY interpretation.

As any of us here in the trenches would know, if you try and explain your interpretation of these characters and the romance to a diehard Cloti supporter... you're met with a lot of "you're misinterpreting! Cloud and Aerith were just friends! She loved Zack to the end and Cloud loved Tifa since childhood and never stopped! Also Aerith is actually BAD for Cloud because she's too pushy/abrasive. She's not helping him open up, she's just forcing him to go along with her and making him uncomfortable!"

All of this is of course infuriating, but I'd like to think I'm self-aware enough to know we are kind of guilty of the same thing. The majority of Tifa fans are SO happy about the kiss in Rebirth, while we're over here dismissing it because, one it's optional, and two Cloud is "obviously" using Tifa as a rebound or settling for her since Aerith is seemingly unavailable. And to us, yeah, it IS obvious. But that's not how Cloti fans see it at all.

We can talk until we're blue in the face about how TIFA deserves better than Cloud because she shouldn't be the second choice - the one he settles for. But I think most people who really love Cloti genuinely don't see it that way. In their eyes, she's NOT second-best. Cloud loved her all along and this kiss is finally confirming that. And nothing we say will dissuade them, just as nothing they say will actually change OUR minds about Clerith.

It is honestly really difficult for me to try and see the story and romance the way Cloti fans do, but I know the reverse is also true. Both groups of fans interpret the characters and relationships differently. The compilation ALLOWS us to interpret them differently. And this is why the ship war for a game from 1997 is still raging on.

Because both camps are certain they're right, they defend their position viciously. Sometimes that means invading the "other side" to tell them how wrong they are. This discussion/rant was prompted by a Cloti fan on a Clerith vid who wanted to debate MY comment about how wonderful the ship was and how good they were for each other. He was "confused" and "concerned" because Clerith fans were reading the story wrong or warping it to suit our ship.

I wanted to tell him, "buddy that's what YOU'RE doing". I wanted to write a goddamn essay explaining why Clerith is canon actually. But considering in my INITIAL comment that he first responded to I'd already brought up why I thought Clerith was great, and he was IGNORING that... I knew it would be pointless. There is nothing I could possibly say that would change his mind. There is nothing he could possibly say that would change my mind.

As long as both sides of this war are fully convinced they're right, this war is going to be endless and brutal. And that's why my absolute biggest fear for part 3 is an open, ambiguous ending regarding the ships. Maybe it will canonize nothing. Maybe it will canonize BOTH by having the actual ending change depending on which girl the player favors.

Either route will offer no relief to this eternal battle. I would honestly prefer for Cloti to explicitly and unambiguously win than an ending where neither girl does. Because I can accept a loss. I can accept being told that actually I WAS interpreting the story wrong, but I'll only accept it from the text itself. If anything, a Cloti ending might encourage me to go through the entire compilation again trying to view it with that canon couple in mind. I'm sure I'd see things differently, even if I'd always have a place in my heart for Clerith. And I sincerely hope that if Clerith were to win that Cloti fans could do the same.

All I know is that I'm sick and tired of this ship war. I personally have never gone after Cloti fans or engaged in Cloti content with the intent to debate or hate on the ship. But I don't speak for all Cleriths. I'm sure at least a few fans of my ship are guilty too. I have seen many obnoxious Cloti fans invading our spaces to disparage us - mostly on YouTube and Twitch, less here on Tumblr - but I KNOW there are plenty of kind Cloti fans who just happily enjoy their ship and leave us to ours as well.

At the end of the day, regardless of how part 3 ends things, I just wish we could live in peace. Please enjoy your ship. Your interpretation of the text and romance is valid. But so is mine. If neither side can agree, then the best thing to do is leave each other alone.

#clerith #cloti #ship and let ship #final fantasy vii #i tried to be as neutral as possible about this topic so i think it's only fair is fans of the other ship are can see & chime in too #but please. PLEASE. literally the point of this is that i'm sick of arguing #hardcore fans of one of these ships WILL NOT be persuaded to the other side. don't even try. #i don't want to debate about this. i just want everyone to live in peace #final fantasy #shout out to fans who primarily ship cloud with dudes btw. i've never seen y'all cause any drama. non-problematic kings/queens right there!

[whos-hotter-jjba]

Preliminary Match 24 - Hottest JoJo Character Bracket

#i really like sale for some reason #his stand is really cool and i like his fight with mista #he's decently hot too #definitely more than kenzou i hate his vibe #ff deserved a better fight to showcase their abilities >:( #jjba sale #jjba kenzou #vento aureo #golden wind #stone ocean #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jojo's bizarre adventure #jjba #who's hotter jjba #hottest jjba character bracket #preliminary match

[voltas-do-mar]

ooc, what's up yall, volta update :3

#volta do mar #radio station: static inbetween #my painting style will never compare to the game's style but i try hkjg i like this side profile better than the front facing one #theres the radio in her chest btw!! when you see [The radio crackles quietly] or something thats where it's coming from :> #the music tape is still their head (the magnetic tape strip looks like a music score he's singing) it will always face the viewer like that #wings because i can't help adding wings to characters. in my mind it's angelic choir/guardian angel saving you from harm/icarus imagery #icarus's ghosts rescuing those who fall prey to the sky and sea... the halo isn't conventional but i wanted to mimic the one kim has :0! #the jacket and gloves definitely aren't conventional because skills dont wear clothes <3 but i like aerostatic pilot jacket;;; #volta is an interisolary guide and deserves to wear the outfit!! #technically volta is a red/physique skill which is something i overlooked in the first pass? but they are... so orange to me... #so orange-red compromise? i guess im not truly satisfied with it but i think its okay :') #it used to be more vivid but i desaturated it somewhat because it looked too bright on my phone? idk bro colors weird? #skillsposting

[iceeericeee]

I wonder how many tags i can add on to this

#there must be SOME kind of a limit otherwise posts would get suuuuuuper duper long like is it just 30? #idk but i'm going to find out by simply maxxing out the character limit for each tag and finding out the limit of tags for each post lololo #this is gonna be great. i just have to remember to type without ever using the comma. it shouldn't be too hard right? fuck i almost typed #the comma i'm already bad at this smh my head. also if your still here i commend you. you have a better attention span than i do. #i'm already starting to get bored holy shit this is not happening. i gotta power through this. FOR SCIENCEEEEEEEEEE. or somethinggggggggggg #but fr idk what else to say. maybe just saying that i don't know what to say will be good enough? but does that even count? #I don't even know anymore. ffffffffuck. this is gonna be a while huh? also holy shit if you're still here omg u deserve like. a prize or #something because u definitely didn't have to stay and read all of this bull shit. lololol i typed out bs but decided to just spell the who #thing out just to make it go by faster. i'm so lazy. this is only the nineth tag HOW will i make it to 30. i am sobbing the adhd is adhding #very hard rn. are you still here? bruh this is insane. i have somehow managed to keep ur attention this long and it's just me spouting #absolute balderdash. wait do you know what balderdash even means? i don't care if you do already i'm gonna tell you anyway. balderdash is #basically just another word for nonsense. boom. you learned something new today. balderdash equals nonsense equals this damn post. #why did i decide to do this in the first place. it was a dumb idea. i don't know if i can even keep going. this is only the *counts tags* #it's the 14th tag. we've got a long way to go boys. men. soldiers. comrads. friends. besties peeps. marshmallows. #where was i going with this? oh yeah. trying to max out the limit for tags. dang i almost typed a comma there. i haven't done that since #i think the third or fourth tag. dang that feels like such a long time ago. not for you guys probably. it feels longer because i have to li #type it all out and stuff. so it's definitely gonna feel longer for me. are you still here? good lord don't you have better things to #be doing than reading all of this? we're already on tag number 18. it feels like i should be on the thirtyeth by now. or however it's spell #'toast' you might be wondering 'why are you typing out the names of the numbers instead of say '9' or '5'?' well you see. young one. #this is a strategy i'm using to make each tag slightly longer. even if i don't know how to spell it. it'll make it just a little bit longer #anyway. i got off topic. not that there was ever a topic to begin with. unless it's about making this as long as i can. #which i am apparently good at doing. i guess. are you STILL here? do you seriously have nothing to do? i guess i'm flattered you stayed thi #whole time. instead of reading something else you stayed here. with me. listening to me talk. on the twenty-third tag. oh yeah its tag 23 #except now it's tag twenty-four. how crazy is that. this little talk is almost over. only 6 tags away if memory serves right. this's strang #i kind of don't want this to end. but i know it should. after all there is a limit. but all things must come to and end at some point i gue #i'm running out of things to say. it's probably a good thing it's almost over. hahahahah............... but i don't want to go. i don't wan #to leave this post. i've worked so hard on it. and for what. just for it to end. are you still here? yes? good. i'd hate to end this alone. #thank you for indulging me and my craziness. the end is only 2 tags away now. you can go ahead and leave. i'll be okay on my own. really... #...you're still here? i- i don't know what to say. i suppose a toast is in order. perhaps. for this journey. this stupid dumb post i though #would be fun. i'll make it short. it's the last tag after all. this was fun. but i will never do it again. so long as a i live. i'll miss y

[maemil]

Behold: My aromantic star wars agenda.

[ID: a Venn diagram with three circles, containing a photo of Jango Fett, Din Djarin and L3-37 respectively. The overlap between Jango and Din reads: Single dad Mandos. The overlap between Din and L3 reads: Bestie got fucked over by Han Solo. The overlap between L3 and Jango reads: "My BFF wants to fuck me so bad it makes them look stupid". And in the space in the middle is the aromantic flag.]

#the bffs: zam wesell & lando calrissian #the besties: boba fett & lando again #almost did the aroace flag but i dont actually always hc all of them definitively aroace. jango is tho. 1st ace icon to asexually reproduce #these guys are also like half of my star wars favs. can you tell i have a character type? #this was inspired by my realization that two of my three star wars aros have a bestie who's in love with them actually #l3's in a qpr with lando. jango killed zam. :/ girl can do better #somewhere in the force l3 is telling zam this is why you cant trust men #jango fett #din djarin #aromantic din djarin #l3 37 #solo: a star wars story #the mandalorian #star wars #mando posting #could have also been 'fucked over han solo' because thats just how it goes with them but i think he deserved it actually 😌 #(alternatively: *cough cough* remove the 'over' op *cough cough*)

[infizero]

hold the phone guys i've just been informed that in the manga light's death is even MORE pathetic. this is fucking awesome oh i cant wait

#instead of his sort of regal collapse on the staircase bathed in light like in the anime #apparently his final moments in the MANGA are just him pathetically begging ryuk not to write his name down #oohhohohohhoho i cant fucking wait to get to that #thats awesome. i like that. #i will always like the anime's ending tho. that final sequence is. mwah. #its soooooo good. objectively its better than light deserved and i feel like the manga version definitely is more of a fitting end to him #but also. idk. the final scene of the anime is a really good sendoff to his character. like it doesnt feel like you're supposed to feel bad #for him. it feels more like a breath of relief. its all over. he's dying #there definitely is emotion there. and i dont think its something to reject but just. realistic. #you dont have to be sad light is dying (i sure wasnt) but i still respected the emotion of his sad eyes as he died and stuff #he sucked and this is better than he deserved. but i can still respect the emotion of a dying man #i think my opinion will be. i like both endings in a sort of coexistence. obviously only one could actually happen but #in my mind they both happen simultaneously. his demise is both pathetic and beautiful. #<- like light himselwho said that #anyway. am i making any sense. who cares RAHHHHHH #serena.txt #death note posting

[sgxena16]

I just binged NCIS: Hawai'i and I'm so bitter it got cancelled. This show is so good and deserves at least 8 seasons.

#of course cbs cancelled the first ncis show with a majority non-white cast. woman as the lead. and same sex couple #because they're cheap and decided sydney is worth more because it costs them less #and for origins which no one asked for. i already don't like the idea of that cause #a) they're bound to make something happen that doesn't line up with ncis so it'll be retconning stuff or just make stuff confusing #and b) you can't continue to expand the ncis universe with this show in the past about a character we already know about. #Hawai'i gives us characters whose stories are current and who can impact the present #and i know cbs will never let another network acquire Hawai'i like they did for all rise #they'll never let another network have an ncis show. They want full control over their franchise. #can this show get the swat treatment? no idea. But I hope people and the cast/crew keep fighting for this show. #cause it deserves so much better than ending on what may be a cliffhanger tomorrow and will definitely be unresolved stories for everyone #also the audacity for cbs to have vanessa and the cast out there talking about how much they love being part of the franchise #and how important the show is during that 1000th ep stuff #only to cancel it not long after is just a shit move #use them for promo then axe them #ncis hawaii #ncis hawai'i #cbs #sgx

[goldiipond]

at some point when i can gather my thoughts i would like to make an in-depth post (would probably end up being more of an essay honestly) about how tpn treats its characters of color because like. there's definitely a colorism problem with anime/manga in general and i think tpn has some really solid black and brown characters for a medium that is severely lacking in that department but there's also some things it handles poorly and it would be good to explore that i think

#skye's ramblings #idk i think about it a lot like. on one hand you have characters like don who is just. an absolutely wonderful character #never portrayed as overly aggressive and just a really emotional and sensitive person without being infantilized for those traits #the one time he DOES lash out in anger (a very reasonable reaction to the circumstances tht caused it) he's not demonized for it #my favorite character in the whole series after ray if you dont love him yuore wrong #meanwhile krone is an incredibly interesting and well-written character she suffers immensely from being drawn like a fucking caricature #like none of the other characters have this problem and demizu did realize that was shitty and draws her normally now but #it doesn't change the fact that those caricatures are still present in the escape arc and s1 (though the anime is better abt this) #and an especially bad impression considering she's the first significant black character to appear in the series #krone being drawn Like That is definitely the biggest flaw this series has #aside from that lke. phil is really good even if we dont see him much between the first and last arcs #i LOVED ayshe even if she deserved more development (and i wish she didn't have blond hair and blue eyes lol) #zack is a really great character and pepe is the only afro latino character ive ever seen in manga and i love him. also his design fucks #ANYWAY !! ANYWAY. 'i want to make a seperate in-depth post' [writes long tag rant] #saving my thoughts now. but i do have a lot of them

[moonscape]

v13.5 has given me the biggest love/hate relationship with rejuv that wasn't there when i first it played with v13 sorry

#bwark #rejuv lb #rejuv spoilers #emery and i were just talking about it but this update feels very.....reborn-esque #and that's not a good thing #dgmw rejuv is still nowhere near at the same level as reborn but. it feels like it's starting to get there #the puzzles are definitely becoming more of ame's brand of bullshit #stuff like the ending of vivian's regret just come across as very mean-spirited for no reason #and i mentioned this before with the tower of theolia section but it feels more and more like the tone is going all over the place #like i praise rejuv over reborn for how it handles its opening #the attack on the ship is treated with the seriousness it deserves even though there aren't any casualties #meanwhile reborn starts off with a terrorist attack on a train where most of the passangers die and immediately afterwards you're introduced #to a character who's like ''LMAO XD that explosion was pathetic i could've done a better job than the terrorists aren't i so quirky and #random XDDDDD'' and you're fucking supposed to like this person??? #so rejuv handles the opening a lot better but other serious and tense moments tend to get ruined by an awkward misplaced joke or something #and like of course that's nowhere near as bad as reborn's mess but i'm starting to get concerned

[toytulini]

. ranty hater posting leave me to old man yell at clouds in peace

#toy txt post #god not to be a hater but why is it everytime i see a '[lgbt identity]-sw/ag' poll i look at the options its like. #90% characters ive never heard of and a number of them Kinda Suck esp for the poll its a part of in favor of characters that #would fit so much better #who deserve it more. lmao i definitely care too much about this its really dumb #but that one. the fucking marshmallow from annoy/ing orange? a f/na/f character? but not a single live action nb character? #syd from odaat. JIM. FROM OFMD. THAT ONES A NONBINARY CHAR PLAYED BY A NONBINARY ACTOR. #AND YOU LEFT THEM OFF???? FOR AN ANNOYING O/RANGE CHARACTER WHOS GENDER WAS ANNOUNCED ON FUCKING #APRIL FOOLS DAY? i swear to god ive had it to here #anyway. thats my petty ranting dont show this to any of the ppl hosting those polls i hope they have fun #they are valid. to their. wrong opinions. let me be a hater in this in the tags unrebloggable rant post on my own blog #where i have purposefully tried to mispell shit to keep it out of the tags so yall dont stumble uponit accidentally and if u do. sorry. #keep scrolling leave me alone im being an old man yells at cloud about this. leave me to my cloud yelling in peace #who is making these fucking polls sbjdbsjbdjbe im losing it #what Taste is that i hate it. sorry

[ei-mugi]

i enjoyed getting heated over something silly for fun but im just now seeing some past distress ppl had over the poll on the blog & i feel a little bad haha i dont actually have any problem with ii or its fans like ive said i was one myself in the past

#being familiar with both ships though i still do prefer wataei #my 'complaints' were in the context of knowing about both of them and the shock of these 2 interests ever intersecting #i dooooooooo have a lot of opinions on ii as a show but none of them are like. 'you shouldnt like object shows cuz theyre dumb' #i got enough of that said 2 me by other people at the time #fan still sucks tho. worst character. microphone best character she deserved the win #when they go back to finishing season 2 in a decade's time they BETTER make the pickle/taco reunion happen in the next episode #the poll prompted me to watch like an episode of season 3 just to see what was up w it #and it was like fine. i watched episode 9. but i cant say it still holds my interest like it used to #especially not since s3 is an au and none of the plotlines are continued there #lol i remember when s2e12 p2 came out there was so much controversy #cuz paintbrush was eliminated that episode but it was also when they came out as nonbinary #i hope they make transgirl lightbulb canon still. that would be cool #paintbulb may not be my otp but they are t4t #all in all the thing about the osc (object show community) is that honestly its just a really sweet place over all #like its really lovely for so many kids to have a community where theyre encouraged to be creative and stuff #duh a lot of the shows arent gonna be good theyre being made by kids. but thats whats great about it #i like laughing over some stuff but i always feel the need to like say stuff like this cuz i think it sucks that people make fun of #stuff kids like to do so much esp as an autistic kid who was always made fun of for everything i liked #cringe culture definitely seeped into my bones a bit but i try to combat it

[gch1995]

How do you feel about Anakin blaming only himself for his fall tot he dark-side? Personally I think self hatred is his own worst enemy….

It is absolutely true that all of Anakin’s arrogance and denial is entirely a “mask” to cover up for his own guilt, insecurities, and self-loathing as Darth Vader. It’s not just his fault he ended up where he did, but he also can’t keep letting his past define him either. There is hope to do better, and deep down he knows it. He’s just too afraid and too hopeless to try.

Yes, his agency is compromised under Sidious, even more than it was under Obi-Wan and the Jedi Order, so, yeah, objectively speaking, it’s not just Anakin’s fault alone he’s in this position with no real safe escape opportunities. In and of itself, it’s not even morally wrong to want to connect with his son to escape his abuser. The means he was using to try to reach out to him were abusive, manipulative, selfish, and unfair in regards to Luke until the end of ROTJ, though, and that’s why he gets framed as wrong for it it. He’s not being cowardly or selfish in his desire to seek a healthier connection than Sidious in his son. That’s relatable. The fact that he was endangering, hurting, and threatening Luke to try to pressure his son to become someone he did not want to be for his own ends out of a desire to gain freedom, while simultaneously continuing to live in denial of his own guilt and fear of the unknown, was fucked up.

Anakin’s arrogance, denial, and attempts to manipulate Luke for Sidious and his own personal “greater good” out of fear of the unknown and self-hatred as Darth Vader is actually a lot like Yoda’s and especially Obi-Wan’s attempts to use Luke for their own “greater good.” Yeah, I’m not denying that the Empire was worse than the old Republic and needed to be taken down. I’m not arguing that there aren’t valid reasons for many people to hate Darth Vader and want him dead for personal safety, justice, and protection reasons in A New Hope. I have a lot of sympathy for Anakin. He’s my favorite character along with, but, regardless of the living hell of constant victimization he endured under a series very abusive, arrogant, corrupt, oppressive, and manipulative bastards of authority figures from whom there was no reasonably safe escape, I’m not going to pretend like he didn’t also enable and perpetuate horrendous systematic abuse, crime, oppression, and tyranny for a little over two decades himself.

I think diminished responsibility is a more accurate way to judge Anakin for his crimes, considering the constant living hell of abuse, manipulation, and exploitation his entire life was under these corrupt authority figures in these screwed up state sanctioned military cults that recruited children as soldiers under incredibly dubious and ill-informed consent. However, while Anakin definitely was capable of being an amazingly kind, loyal, empathetic, and self-sacrificing person at his best, he definitely did become a horrifying lawful evil at his worst, and not all of his crimes were ones he committed just because Sidious, Obi-Wan, and the Jedi Council coerced him to. He did develop a personally angry, selfish, and vengeful side, too.

So yeah, I can understand the logic of thinking that the galaxy might be safer without Vader. I can understand why a lot of his victims would feel that way. However, never once do Obi-Wan and Yoda tell Luke to kill the Emperor, too, and they know he’s the “big bad” in charge, not Darth Vader/Anakin, Yet, it’s just Vader, their former student, who they helped fuck up, left to burn when he turned on them, and then continued to hide and run away from after finding out he survived, who they are focused on using Luke to kill, which heavily implies that their motives aren’t nearly as selfless as they keep trying to convince either Luke or themselves. They’re being self-centered and manipulative cowards who are trying to find an easy way to redeem themselves without having to take personal responsibility and living in denial because facing the truth the right way hurts and is risky. It’s quite similar to what Vader was doing to Luke.

It’s easier for Yoda and Obi-Wan to continue to avoid facing the reality of their bad decisions and mistakes, instead of acknowledging how deeply abusive, damaging, self-centered, and toxic they had become in their fear of facing the unknown through their support of a corrupt Republic government, their hypocritical, their problematic methods and lifestyle in regards to Anakin and their other recruits, and the Republic as a whole, That is why they end up going in to hiding after Order 66 and attempt to use Luke to kill off the monster they inadvertently helped influence his father to become in the first place by deceiving him, endangering him, and manipulating him to try to escape their guilt and absolve themselves in regards to their mistakes with Anakin and the Empire without actually having to do the work of admitting they had been wrong and taking full personal ownership. The fact that they want to redeem themselves is a good instinct. The fact that they’re using an innocent Luke to try to do it for them is where it becomes cowardly, manipulative, and selfish.

I get that they’ve been in these messed up space soldier cults and systems for most of their lives with limited options, so their agency to be able to reasonably feel safe doing any better is compromised,l. It’s not entirely their faults they ended up in these positions that allowed them to grow up to be such deeply damaged and dysfunctional adults. They were victims who deserved better. However, they also had consciences that they buried by living in denial and fear of the unknown, which became a seriously fucked up issue of selfishness and toxicity when people who had nothing to do with their issues became “worthy” collateral damage and scapegoats for them to continue to not take personal accountability and risks to self-improve instead.

Still, in the end, Anakin’s the only one of his predecessors left from the old Jedi in the movies who learns to do the right thing.

#I definitely agree that it’s not fair to blame it on JUST Anakin for becoming Vader and remaining with Sidious #same with obi wan and Yoda #but when people who had done nothing to deserve their abuse or crime became collateral damage for their own ends because #it was easier than trying to take a risk to do the right thing and take personal accountability you do have to place blame on them #for knowingly doing wrong to others for worthy ends instead #and that’s the whole thing that does actually make Anakin/Vader obi-wan Yoda and prequel Jedi sympathetic in spite of their deep flaws #like in and of itself it’s not wrong for obi-wan and Yoda to want to redeem themselves #nor is it inherently wrong for Anakin to seek out his son and other relationships to try to escape abusive and corrupt authority figures #to want to protect his family or to want to make the galaxy better than the shithole it so often is in SW #but the means of enabling and perpetuating abuse crime manipulation and oppression against those who don’t deserve it is selfish #obi wan critical #yoda critical #I mean not really. they are flawed characters but just in case #anakin sywalker #the tragedy of anakin skywalker #the tragedy of the old republic and jedi order #cptsd-skywalker