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lilyevanstan1325 · 5 months

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✨ Astral Lovers ✨

Epilogue

Lily POV

"Steve?Steve are you ready?"

Why the hell doesn't he answer me?

I finish fixing my hair and quickly get out of the bathroom to the bed.

I sit on it grabbing my shoes from the floor, put them on and cautiously getting up I approach the large mirror in our bedroom.

Our bedroom.

In our new home.

In the end, we really bought the large house with the porch overlooking the large garden.

Steve expressed the desire to go and live outside New York, to live in a quieter place, and I followed him.

I would have followed him everywhere.

The house is really huge and luxurious, on two floors and has a large garden all around.

It's all like in our dreams, like when years ago we dreamed of living our life.

"Steve hurry up!You know how much my father cares about punctuality" I yell.

But obviously I don't get any response.

I roll my eyes.

I better arrange the dress that falls softly on my figure, then I mirror myself one last time, giving my hair a final touch.

I sigh and resigned, I leave them indomitable and wild as always.

I spend a few minutes looking through the mirror, noticing how my features have changed over time.

The mirror gives me an image of a more mature me, of a girl who eventually had to grow up quickly.

A girl who has had little to enjoy her lightheartedness.

Life hasn't been kind to me but I keep going on trying to enjoy all that I have and all that life still has to offer me.

My past has helped me to fortify myself and to love every moment of my life.

I grab my coat from the wardrobe and impatiently go down the large marble staircase.

The ticking of my heels echoes in the high ceilings.

I cross the immense hall until I find myself in front of the threshold of the living room door but I suddenly freeze, enchanted by the scene that presents in front of my eyes.

On the large and soft carpet in the living room there is Steve lying on his stomach while he is coloring together with Sarah who is in the same position as him.

Sarah.

Our great miracle.

Our warrior.

The first time I saw her, I cried.

She was so small, so delicate.

I was afraid that even just touching her I could hurt her...and instead today she is healthy and beautiful.

Her long black curls fall down her back, I don't have the courage to cut them and then Steve wouldn't even let me.

Her big blue eyes, just like his father's, are set in her perfect face that seems to be made of alabaster.

She has a disarming beautiful.

Flashback

Six years ago

I feel scared and disoriented.

I know I'm back but my body isn't responding to my commands.

As soon as I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was the face of my beautiful Captain.

His blue, teary eyes helped me relax.

"It's okay honey.Are you ok.You are in the hospital" he whispers to me and in the meantime a swarm of doctors is rushing to my room to check on my condition.

They are all agitated and incredulous but at this moment I just want to know how the baby is because I feel that something is wrong, it is as if I no longer feel his presence.

But the words swirling in my brain can't find their way out.

It is as if I were a prisoner of my own body.

With immense effort I raise my hand and touch my belly.

Steve obviously notices my gesture.

"Honey?Look at me"

And I move my eyes from my belly to his eyes.

"Two days ago there were complications and they had to deliver the baby"

No, no no!

It's still too early.

I feel panic assault me and the beating of my crazed heart is audible throughout the room.

The deafening beep of the machinery connected to my heart is proof of this.

"Hey hey!Breathe honey!The baby is fine.Sarah is fine!" Steve reassures me by placing his phone under my nose where the photo of a little creature wrapped in wires and tubes seems to be resting blissfully.

My eyes drink greedily of that image.

A girl.

My sweet Sarah.

I turn to Steve unable to hold back the tears.

"She is healthy and strong.She will make it.We'll all make it together"

After three weeks I started talking and sitting again without collapsing as if my skeleton was made of jelly.

Doctor Montgomery kept me updated on Sarah's state of health, according to her thanks to the super soldier serum that ran through her veins she was able to grow and gain strength much faster than any other premature.

I'm happy but the only thing I really want is to meet her and be able to touch her, I'm tired of seeing her only behind a phone screen.

"Please Steve take me to her" I whimper.

"If you don't help me, I'll do it alone" I add piqued crossing my arms under my breasts.

"Christine said that in a couple of days, up to a week, you can get up without any problems.Please be patient" he replies.

I look at him as if he has lose his mind.

I shake my head.

"I will not be away from my daughter another week.I'm going" I exclaim trying to force my arms to get out of bed.

"Stay still!" Steve scolds me in exasperation as he approaches me and takes me in his arms.

And so close to his chest I find myself in the hospital corridor.

I will finally see my little girl.

"Captain Rogers what are you doing?Dr. Palmer was clear.The patient can't get up yet" a nurse yells at Steve but him continues towards the hospital nursery ignoring whoever.

Arriving at the nursery Steve makes me sit in the armchair next to the incubator where Sarah is resting.

I feel my heart explode with joy.

My little one.

She is everything I have fought for with all of myself.

"Caress her" Steve urges me gently and with a trembling hand I approach her.

Her skin is soft.

"Hi Sarah.I am your mom.I know you still don't know me but know that I love you with all of myself from the first moment I knew of your existence and I will do everything for you.Everything" I whisper to her in tears and then lower myself and kiss her little hand.

Steve crouched by my side watching us with shining eyes.

"You are my whole life.Thank you Lily, thank you" he whispers to me and then gets up and kisses me on the forehead.

End flashback

I blink a couple of times back to reality.

I remember the joy of the moment, the heart that increased in size to make room for all the extra love that that little wren in front of my eyes had brought into my life.

But I also remember the fears.

The anxiety of not knowing what to do, how to behave.

The fear that she might get sick or that I just might not be able to understand her needs.

But all my fears were wiped out with the help of Steve who has always been an exceptional father.

Present and full of love.

I observe Steve and Sarah facing each other, head to head.

Steve is particularly focused on drawing as Sarah hums happily while swinging her slender little legs in the air.

"Would you pass me the red my princess?" Steve asks and Sarah hands him the color he requested.

They both look up from the drawing, smiling at each other with so much love that I could cry.

I love Sarah and she loves me but I can never have what the two of them have.

Their bond is unique, Sarah loves her father madly and Steve...well Steve is simply at her mercy.

When Sarah was born she only had her father, a bond has formed between them that goes far beyond love.

Theirs is mutual devotion.

My gaze moves to Steve's back where, sitting astride him and playing with his hair, there is the little Sophia.

She is having a lot of fun combing her dad's soft hair and he obviously lets her do it, her little hands caress and often pull his hair but he remains impassive.

On the sofa, instead, careful to watch her favorite cartoon, there is Natalia who holds her beloved and inseparable doll in her arms.

I smile.

The twins arrived much to our surprise.

A bit like Sarah arrived after all.

After Sarah's turbulent birth and our inexperience as parents, we had decided not to have other children for quite a few years...and instead when Sarah was just three years old they were born.

I admit it wasn't easy.

A three-year-old girl plus two lively-tempered twins were not easy to manage but in the end we made it.

Sarah is only six years old but she is a wonderful big sister, always caring and loving with her sisters.

Sophia and Natalia instead are the opposite of Sarah.

They look like two angels, both are blondes with big and wonderful blue eyes just like Steve, but both are capable of turning you around as they will.

They have fire running through their veins, they are literally tireless and unstoppable.

Bucky, with the support of my father, keeps repeating to me that the twins have the same character as me, that they too, like me, are impetuous and rowdy.

Able to manipulate you and make you do whatever they want.

They really are far too smart to be only three years old.

But despite the mess, the screams and the sleepless nights I wouldn't change anything in my life.

I have the family I've always wanted.

I try to put on a serious and authoritative expression, cross my arms under my breasts and, clearing my throat, I attract their attention.

Four pairs of blue eyes are planted on my face stunning me with their beauty and intensity.

I bring my hands to my hips, tapping my foot on the floor.

"Is this how you are preparing for Christmas day?" I ask with an impassive look.

Steve smiles.

"Oops!I think mommy got mad.How about running to her and hugging her?"

The first to rush towards me is Sophia, soon after Sarah and Natalia arrive.

All three cling to me, clinging to my legs.

"Ok ok girls!Take it easy with mommy" says Steve.

I caress the heads of my girls while my eyes are only for the man in front of me.

Steve is still sprawled on the carpet, just leaning up on his elbows and his muscular legs are stretched out in front of him.

The fabric of the white shirt pulls on the muscles of his broad chest, sending my brain to jelly.

This man is getting more and more handsome.

The passage of time have no effect on him.

I just lean forward to kiss the girls.

"Sarah please go up to your room and put on your shoes" I say kissing her head.

"Yes mommy" she replies with her sweet little voice.

"And bring your sisters with you and help them to wear shoes and coat"

"Yes mommy" she repeats grabbing the twins by the hand.

"Thanks my little princess" I answer her.

I kiss them again and all three walk away humming and giggling.

I turn my gaze back to Steve and he continues to look at me with a sly look without moving an inch.

"Steven Grant Rogers!I only asked you to put the shoes on the girls" I sigh, putting my hands on my hips.

"I love it when you do the sexy mommy voice"

I try to keep a serious expression but fail miserably.

A small smile curves my lips.

"You're an idiot, do you know?"

"And you are sexy, do you know?"

I roll my eyes at his words.

"Yes, of course!I'm fat as a whale and I hate how this dress fits me" I say whimpering.

Finally Steve decides to get up and joins me at a slow pace.

Like a lion stalking its prey.

"Honey, you are not fat.You're just pregnant"

I snort.

Steve's big, warm hands rest gently on my baby bump.

Just then the baby kicks.

"Oh, there's my little champion" he chuckles amused.

Let's say that he wasn't expected either.

He happened.

Obviously we were mocked by Sam and Bucky.

They stopped nagging Steve about his inability to use a condom only when we communicated that he was going to be a boy.

Since then, he has only received compliments for the excellent shot.

Stupid men.

Steve lowers himself on my belly to leave us a kiss, then his lips rise upwards to linger on my cleavage.

"Steve!The girls are upstairs" I gasp.

"Mmh mmh" Steve murmurs as his lips continue their ascent towards my lips.

He pushes me back until I perceive the wall behind me.

His hand tightens around my neck as his tongue forcefully enters my mouth stealing to me a soft moan.

His free hand sneaks under my dress to squeeze my thigh tightly.

His lips move on mine with impetus and then move to my ear and bite my earlobe.

I try to stifle another moan.

"Daddy" I gasp, digging my nails into his muscular biceps.

"Oh my baby girl...you know how much you turn me on when you call me like that.And how sexy I find you with your baby bump" Steve whispers in my ear.

"I love your soft body.You're so sensitive, receptive" he continues in a low, captivating tone of voice.

His lips move up my cleavage, the hand that previously gripped my throat is now moving towards my warm center.

I throw my head back clouded with pleasure.

I feel his thumb brush my clit through the fabric of my wet panties.

I put a hand in front of my mouth to stifle the moans.

"Steve stop it!The girls will be here in any moment" I reproach him but I am weak even in my own ears.

"Don't worry honey.I can hear them and they are playing.Take it easy.Your daddy will take care of you"

So Steve continues undaunted in his torturing, pulls aside my panties and penetrates me with two fingers.

I rest my head against his chest trying to stifle my moans of pleasure.

Steve's free arm closes around my waist helping me to stay straight on my legs.

"You know how much I love to fuck you when you have this beautiful baby bump" Steve whispers, looking for my lips again.

He kisses me lasciviously and then brings his lips back to my neck.

"This...this is not a valid reason to get me pregnant all the time" I reply biting my lower lip.

Steve chuckles.

His fingers now move expertly inside me, he pushes upwards hooking them inside me.

I feel I am close.

I feel the usual fire rising inside me and after a few moments an explosion of pleasure overwhelms me while Steve continues to penetrate me with his fingers, stimulating my already sensitive clit due to the orgasm just experienced.

I tie my arms around his neck trying to breathe deeply to catch my breath.

Steve slips his fingers from my pussy and brings them to his lips.

He licks them while continuing to keep his gaze chained to mine.

It doesn't matter if we've been together for more than seven years now.

It doesn't matter that we already have three daughters and one on the way.

All this doesn't matter because between us it's always like the first day.

His touch always manages to make me feel unique sensations.

With him every orgasm is unique, explosive.

His arms tighten around my body.

"I love you honey"

"I love you too babe.Ouch!" I hiss between my teeth.

"What's up?" Steve asks worried, placing his hands on mine, squeezed on my side.

"Your son is a little bit excited.And it's your fault" I murmur, rubbing my sore ribs.

Steve laughs with a hint of pride.

"My champion will be as strong as me" he exults.

I just roll my eyes.

Steve laughs and helps me sit on the sofa.

I relax against the sofa cushions massaging the spot where the baby kicked.

"Steve I love you and I love our children but please don't ever do that to me again" I mutter pointing to my baby bump.

"Oh I can't promise you anything about it" he replies leaving me speechless.

"Babe, four children I would say that are more than enough" I answer seriously.

"Oh c'mon honey!You too wanted a big family"

"Let's do another one after this.Only one.Money is not a problem and the house is big.What are you afraid of?"

"I know!And in fact, four children is big enough for me" I reply shocked by the idea that Steve may really want more children.

"I'm afraid of losing the last shred of my mental health.What if they're twins again?" I ask shivering.

Steve shrugs.

"We will deal with it as we have done so far" he says.

I snort.

He makes it easy.

We remain silent for a moment to enjoy this rare moment of peace.

Steve seems lost in his thoughts and absently strokes my baby bump.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I ask him in a whisper.

He laughs.

"I thought I have never thanked you enough" he replies pointing his eyes as blue as a summer sky in mine.

His gaze still has the power to make my soul tremble.

"For what?" I ask curious.

"For the extraordinary life you gave me.For giving me a wonderful family, a reason to fight" he replies, getting up from the sofa and standing in front of me.

"Even if something is still missing" he adds.

I sight exasperated.

"Steve don't start over.I already said four kids are enough"

Steve shakes his head.

"I'm not talking about that even if we talk about it again" he replies with a smile.

"Oh please!Don't do it Steve!I have already said that we will get a dog when the girls are a little older" I mutter.

Steve laughs throwing his head back and I look at him with an eyebrow raised.

"I'm not even referring to that" he replies.

He pulling a little box out of the pocket of his black treasure.

I watch him without understanding until I see him kneel at my feet.

Instinctively my eyes fill with tears and I take my hands to cover my mouth wide open with disbelief.

"I still have to ask you and are you already crying?" Steve chuckles opening the box in his hands and holding it out to me.

Inside, a wonderful solitaire stands out majestically on black velvet.

"Elisabeth.My sweet Lily.Since you entered my life you have turned it upside down.Changed.Revolutionized.You taught me what true love is.You have given me three, indeed four, wonderful children.I could never ask for anything more in life.The only thing I miss, I'm asking you now... Elisabeth Strange will you marry me?"

Steve looks at me from below, his long golden lashes rising and falling softly.

My heart is beating furiously, so strong that I am afraid that at any moment it will give way.

I approach him and holding out my hand I whisper in a trembling voice "Yes, yes I do.Of course I do!"

Steve smiles beaming and puts the beautiful ring on my finger.

I hug him with momentum and Steve gets up from the floor taking me up with him.

"It took you a long time Captain" I chuckle through tears making fun of him.

He looks at me with a crooked smile on his face.

"Oh you know...I wanted to be really sure"

I roll my eyes amused.

His big hands wrap around my face and he leans down on me kissing me.

A sweet kiss, full of that love that only he can give me.

"Ugh!How disgusting!" exclaims Sarah's voice behind us.

"You and daddy are always kissing each other" she adds.

The twins run up to Steve holding onto his legs and he lifts them both up in his arms.

I bend down to bring my eyes to the same level as Sarah's.

"Daddy and I were celebrating"

"What are you celebrating?"

"Mommy and I are getting married" Steve exults, puffing up his chest with pride.

The twins clap their hands.

"Mommy will dress up as a princess!Can we also dress up as princesses?" Natalia asks to Steve.

"Of course!" Steve replies laughing, receiving dozens of kisses from the twins in return.

I turn my attention back to Sarah.

"Are you happy for mommy and daddy?" I ask her.

She thinks about it.

"Yes, I'm happy.But I'll never get married" she exclaims crossing her arms across her chest.

I get up and catching Steve's gaze we burst out laughing.

"My God!When she does this thing she is the same as you" Steve points out to me.

"Yeah...I know" I sigh with amusement.

"Now let's hurry up or Grandpa Stephen will be angry if we are late" I exclaim followed by the girls' screams of joy.

"Are there Aunt Nat and Uncle Bucky?" Sarah asks excitedly.

"Sure little princess.And there will also be Tony and Pepper with Morgan and Peter" Steve replies.

"What about Uncle Sam?He always makes me laugh" asks Natalia.

"Mmh mmh.Aunt Layla will also be with him" I answer her.

The girls giggling excitedly at the idea of spending Christmas day with all those who are now not just friends but part of our family.

I open a portal.

I grab Sarah by the hand and kiss Steve who is still holding the twins.

As soon as we cross the portal we are assailed by shouts of joy and laughter.

The girls rush towards my father, literally overwhelming him.

Bucky comes up to me and hugs me.

"Merry Christmas, witch"

"Merry Christmas, idiot"

He puts his arm around my shoulders squeezing me next to him and so hugging my best friend I observe for a moment all the people in front of me.

The laughter, the hugs, the smell of good food, the children running around in the large hall playing with each other.

Steve and my dad laughing and joking like they're lifelong friends.

Sam and Layla who will soon be parents.

Tony and Pepper watching their children play with mine.

Everything is perfect.

Everything is absolutely perfect.

"Did you ever believe, even for a moment, that our lives would be so spectacular?" Bucky asks me, watching Natasha sitting in front of the fireplace helping the twins unwrap their presents.

"No.Not even in my dreams I would never have imagined such a perfect life" I reply smiling.

I have no idea what life will ever have in store for us but of one thing I am sure.

I will never allow anyone or anything to touch my big and wonderful family.

Meanwhile in the most remote space...

I look at the glittering Gauntlet wrapped around my hand.

I'm almost there, my plan is almost complete.

I carefully observe the three Stones that glisten on it.

Much blood has been shed for them and many peoples have been destroyed but all this will serve for a greater good.

I'm sure my men will find the missing Stones.

"My lord" Ebony Maw murmurs as he kneels in front of me.

I observe one of my most trusted men from above.

"Tell me my son.What did you find?"

"My lord" he says, lifting his head.

"Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive have found the three missing Stones.All three are located on a small planet called Earth.The Mind Stone is in the hands of some kind of android.While the Stones of Time and Space are guarded by two humans.It's a father and a daughter.I think we will have no problem getting them"

I smile satisfied as I get up from my throne.

With an authoritative step I approach my man stroking his head which bends obediently in front of me.

"Excellent job my son.Excellent job"

I take a few more steps forward, stopping to scan the horizon.

The stars and galaxies whirl in front of my eyes, millions of life forms right now are fighting for survival.

Poor and hungry beings versus rich and greedy beings.

My gesture will serve to restore balance.

Prosperity on every planet and galaxy.

The whole universe will kneel in front of me, thanking me for my magnanimity.

"Ebony Maw"

"Tell me my lord"

"I entrust you with the task of recovering the Space and the Time Stones.Instead you send Proxima and Corvus to get rid of the android" I order.

"We won't let you down, my lord" Ebony Maw replies, rising from his kneeling position.

"It will be better for you.If you fail you will pay with your own lives"

My man nods and after another short bow he dematerializes into thin air.

I smile.

Victory is getting closer and closer.

Certainly two silly humans and an android will not be able to stop the great and powerful Thanos.

And here we are at the end!

I'm in tears right now!!!

I don't know where to start with the thanks...

Astral Lovers was born almost for fun and I never imagined reaching so many people, so many hearts.

Thanks to everyone who believed in me ❤️

Thanks to those who pushed me, convincing me to publish this story ❤️

Thanks to those who read in silence, those who commented and those who voted.

Many thanks to all!

Without you I wouldn't be here!

Stay tuned my friends!

We will meet again soon for the new adventure that awaits Steve and Lily ❤️

Please comment, share and rate ❤️

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lovemirrah · 1 year

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10:43am, 25 December 2022

It's starting to become a really bad habit for me to check in only once or twice a year. I used to write so much and now, I hardly write at all. But yesterday, I started therapy for the first time in my life and my therapist encouraged me to start writing again. And so, I find myself here. Hello journal, I'm happy to be reacquainted with you again.

My last post was in January 2022, right at the start of the year, and a lot has changed since then. In September, I sold my car exactly a year after I bought it. I miss it sometimes, but I know owning a car is not something I can afford at this stage in my life. In October, I left BDA after 3.5 years with the company. Within a few days of leaving the team, I finally made that trip to South Korea where I was for close to 2 weeks. I ticked so many things off my list but a few were still left unfulfilled. The morning after my return to Singapore, jet-lagged and incredibly exhausted, I started a new role with WE. I manifested this; leaving BDA, going to South Korea, landing a new job with an MNC that brings better benefits and learning opportunities. I worked for it, prayed on it, and it happened. For that, I am grateful for all that the year had brought me.

During my session yesterday, my therapist asked why I decided to take on therapy. It was a good question, great one even. I knew that signing up for therapy meant that I had to be honest with myself for it to work. Without missing a beat, I told her that I'm always sad and I don't know how to fix it. Someone should've told me to bring a box of tissues when doing therapy because it only took one question to trigger the waterworks. For 45 minutes, I cried while my therapist listened. I condensed 28 years of my life, all that I've bottled up, into a 45 minute session and it just came pouring out. I couldn't cap it. It's therapy; I shouldn't cap it. I'm allowed to feel what I feel. What I feel is valid. I'm hurting and I shouldn't deny myself that.

Truth be told, I was crying even before therapy started. I was wallowing in my feelings all day. My mother returns home from her trip today, so I gave myself all of yesterday - one final day - to do absolutely nothing except to be myself. I slept it, ate food that's no good for my body, watched too much Netflix, slept some more, showered only when I finally have to, read a few chapters of a new book I bought but may not like, prayed, cried a lot, watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory to make me feel better, then I went back to sleep again. I slept so much, I wondered if I was depressed before I shrugged that thought away.

The one thing about me that I loathe so much is that I overthink. All my life, I considered myself to be an optimistic-realist. I think of worst case scenarios in every situation and prepare well for them, but I'd always hope for the best. It's how I've always carried myself through life - at work, in my day-to-day. I aspire to be like that in my romantic pursuits but having gone through a sexual assault so young, I see dating as a 'cup half empty' situation. I go into it, thinking that it's not going to work for whatever reason, and I believe it. I'm so afraid of tearing down my walls that I've become so good at detaching. Then comes along a connection I wasn't even expecting, and without realising it, I buckled. So quickly. I'm not saying I'm in love - God, I know I'm not - but I got attached to a mere stranger I barely knew because I trusted that connection. And... that was my fault. It's my fault for finally learning to open up my heart and be vulnerable again; only for it to be the wrong man. Y'know what's the funniest thing about all of this? History repeated itself and I'm exactly where I was 8 years ago - right down to timing. I can't shut down again. I've come so far since then. I can't unlearn all the healing I've done. I needed to do better, be better and put myself first. I will not chase someone who doesn't want me. I will not give my time for someone who won't even respond. If someone is showing you that you're not important, believe it.

So today, while everyone is out (or in) spending time with family and their loved ones on Christmas Day, I'm choosing to spend time with myself and put me first. A manicure, a facial and a cone of ice-cream. It's always good to start small - one step at a time, as they say. Even if I feel 1% better after, I'll consider it a win. As my therapist says, 'my time is now.'

I don't know if I'll write every day but I'll try to check-in every week. It might be a little hard at first, but writing was and has always been my first love. With time, I'll get back into the groove of things - writing and maybe, life too.

All my love, Mirrah

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wickedbarnes · 4 years

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Guns and Roses (Pt. 2) | John Wick x Reader

Part 1

SYPNOSIS: After the little visit from the new flower shop downtown, John slowly finds himself on edge and being haunted by a certain innocent girl.

THEME: Non-con. Dubcon. Obsession. Dark!John x Innocent/Naive!Reader. Abduction. Lots of smut. Don't read if any of these make you uncomfortable. 18+ readers ONLY.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Slight mention of violence.

John hadn't find the time to visit her yet. And days passed by, he had grown irritated by the fact without him noticing. He was easily angered but then again, he was like a ticking time bomb ever since his wife died. When Helen Wick was sent six feet underground, she took the man that John once was.

A whole different version of him was left behind. A version of him that shook his enemies to the core. Because if John Wick was already known to be brutal, the man who he is today was worse than that now. And somehow, that alarmed some people.

Some of them believed he was losing a few screws. But they weren't bold enough to be loud about the rumor. They didn't want to take any chances. Last time someone uttered the name of Helen Wick and used it to push John's buttons, they had their head cut off. The slow way. After that, no one was brave enough to do what the last guy did.

And somehow, his pal, Aurelio noticed how John was always so antsy and on edge as if one tap on his shoulder would cause him to have a killing spree.

"John, you need to take it easy." He sighed and poured the man a drink. The assassin grumbled and leaned back on his seat broodingly.

"I am taking it easy." He reasoned out but he knew Aurelio wasn't buying any of that shit.

"I'm not stupid, man. I notice how you seem so... I don't know, seem so... irritated. Like something's been bugging you. Do you wanna tell me about it?"

"There's nothing to tell." By the tone of John's voice, Aurelio raised his arms up in defeat.

"Okay, but you gotta push yourself, man." He sighed and took a sip of his drink, "You can't mope around forever. You need to do something. Go out, find someone new, figure a new hobby. Stop restricting yourself, John."

John gripped the glass tightly as his mood worsened by what Aurelio was saying but a voice inside his head told him that he was just doing what any friend would do during a hard time.

"I'm perfectly fine with how I'm doing. I got a job, I book bind, I keep myself busy. I'm good to go." John answered which made his friend sigh deeply.

"John, you're holding yourself back and it's so evident. Stop doing things that you feel is what you need to do. Do the things that you want to do. I know for a fact that you don't want to go back to being an assassin nor does book binding give you enough benefits now but you're doing them because you feel somehow obligated."

John stayed silent as Aurelio's words began to register inside his head.

"You still have some years left, man. Don't waste it. If you want to socialize, do it. Don't hold yourself back. Jesus, if you want to hook up with thousands of bitches, do it! No one's telling you no."

John took a huge swig of his drink.

"What I'm saying is, I know Helen wouldn't have wanted you to live this way. She would've wanted you to move on."

John sometimes hated how right Aurelio was. He sometimes hated it when he makes a point and that often happens. But his words did got himself thinking.

Would Helen be happy with the man John has turned out?

He already knew the answer to that but John can't bring himself to accept it. Without another word, he got up from his seat and decided to call it a day before he drove back into his empty shell of a home.

It wasn't even dark out yet. But John found himself being utterly exhausted. Maybe it was because of his recent mission the other day. Sighing, he craned his neck a bit and felt the kink that had been bothering him for a few days. The bruises on his body didn't help either. He somehow remembered how Helen would tend to his wounds everytime before he retired. How she'd treat every cut and every bad bruise that was etched on his skin.

But now he needed to make do and do all that himself.

Or maybe someone could still do it for him? Would that girl have the same touch as Helen had or would it be more comforting? Would it be- No. No.

John shook his head and tightened his grip around the steering wheel. This was one of his everyday struggle now. Ever since he visited that damn flower shop, John finds himself thinking about her every now and then. Even when he willed himself not to, that girl was sneaky enough to slip through his mind yet again.

The assassin would sometimes compare her to Helen. There was no doubt she was younger than him and even younger than Helen. If John wasn't mistaken, maybe he was twice her age. And he hates how he likes that fact.

He never found himself being attracted to women who were much younger than him. But after seeing her, John finds himself debating whether he'd make an exception for that.

The daisy he tucked safely in the pocket of his coat was placed neatly and safely on his nightstand. Why? He has no idea. But at the same time, he does. The daisy was as delicate as she was. And John wanted to grasp that sense of delicateness and purity in his hands. He wanted to cherish it somehow. And so, every morning when he wakes up, he'd check to see if the daisy that fell from her hair was still there where he placed it.

He relaxed everytime he sees it.

"Get your shit together." He'd tell himself. But just as he did, he found himself driving by the familiar flower shop. And if John had the chance to kick himself right in the balls for parking on the side of the road, he would've.

He should've walked away. He should've drove back home but his feet had carried him inside the shop where he found himself entering, the bell ringing as he opened the door.

There weren't many customers inside but John had noticed there was quite a change the last time he had been here. There were more chairs and tables and John noticed how there were baked goodies being served to the customers.

His attention was taken when he found her walking out from the back of the room with flour smeared on her cheek. Today, she was wearing a pastel pink, puff-sleeved dress and her hair was let loose, letting it pool down her back in beachy waves. She looked absolutely adorable. Stunning, even.

And John found himself admiring the color pink on her.

"Oh, hey!" The girl greeted her with a bright smile on her face, "Haven't seen you around. Have you been taking good care of your cactus?"

John chuckled and stuffed his hand in the pockets of his jeans as he nodded.

"Yeah, I finally got the hang of it. It's looking pretty healthy, thankfully."

"That's great! If you want more, just tell me and I'll give you a discount." She'd say, whispering the last part to him as if she was afraid someone would hear and be offended that she offered John a discount.

"Oh, I'll keep that in mind for sure."

"So, what can I get you today? Finally managed to turn this into a little café. And thank God I don't have to do it all alone now." John turned his head to see a girl just about her age serving coffee to the couple on the other side of the room.

"This place looks great, really." John complimented her and began to look over at the pastries that were placed on the display counter.

He wasn't a big fan on sweets but John didn't want to be rude and come here just to chat with her although he wouldn't mind that one but. But a voice in his head convinced him to at least buy one of her baked goods and have a taste on something that she made herself.

"I'll just have a blueberry muffin and some coffee to go, sweetheart." John would say after some time, not meaning to call her another pet name. He internally punched himself in the face for that and somehow hoped she didn't catch onto it or at least find it weird.

But he was relieved, a bit ecstatic when he saw how her face blushed slightly to what he just called her. He had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from grinning at the fact that he now knows he somehow has an effect on the girl.

She'd nod her prettt little head and wrote his order quickly on the notepad she had.

"How would you, uhm, like your coffee, sir?" She asked, looking up at him with those adorable fucking doe eyes and John had to clench his fist to stop himself from reaching over and caress her cheek while she looked up at him like this. As if she was ready to submit whatever he wanted her to submit.

"Black. No sugar, no creamer." John answered as the bashful girl in front of him nodded her head obediently and John smiled faintly at how she took in every word he had said.

"This'll be done in a minute or two. Find somewhere you can sit and I'll serve it to you." She smiled and John thanked her for her service and immediately gave her his pay. But as she began to prepare his order, John slipped in a generous amount of cash and put it inside the tip jar that she had before he walked over to a vacant seat near the counter where she worked.

He knew she could've easily just called her name so he could get the order himself since that's how cafés usually work but since she offered to serve his order herself, how could John possibly say no to an offer like that?

It only took a few minutes before she walked over to his table and placed his order down carefully in front of him. John's eyes were focused on her, as if he was taking in every bit of her features inside his mind, as if he was trying to memorize every crevice of her body, every freckle or mark that she had on her skin and by the looks of how her cheeks had blushed yet again, John knew that she knew he had been staring at her.

"Will that be all, sir?" She asked somewhat shyly and John chuckled at her bashfulness. She looked adorable. Too adorable. And not the kind where he wanted to pinch her cheeks. It was the kind where he wanted to push her up against the wall or caress her inner thigh just to see what kind of reaction she would get.

"That'll be all, sweetheart. But I suppose it wouldn't be too much of me if I ask for your name?" He asked politely, not wanting to come off as creepy or too intense. He wouldn't want to risk blowing up his chance in knowing the name of the fairy-like dame such as herself.

"O-Oh, uh..." She bit her lip down nervously before she answered, "Y/N, sir. Y/N Y/LN."

"Y/N." John whispered to himself as if he was testing what her name would sound like rolling off of his tongue, "Nice to meet you, Y/N. I'm John. John Wick."

Y/N smiled faintly at his name and held the circular tray close to her chest.

"It's nice to meet you, John. Hope you enjoy your meal." She'd say and with that, she went back to the counter and began to serve the other customers that came in. Whether they wanted to try out her new pastries and coffee or needed assisting when it came to flowers.

John didn't waste his time nor his money and began to dig into his muffin and surprisingly, he found out how much he liked it. The muffin wasn't too sweet nor was it too bland. It was just right for his taste. He could never finish the muffin that Helen made back then. They always came out too sweet. Sometimes too dry. Even the coffee he ordered managed to taste better than the one he drinks at home.

The assassin seemed pleased that he managed to finish everything he had ordered. Not only that, it gave him more reason to stop by the shop more. Either he wanted to try Y/N's other baked goods or just for her, only he had to know.

Unfortunately, he had to live early. He had a mission to get to tomorrow and he couldn't risk going without getting any proper sleep. So he begrudgingly stood up from his seat and made his way to the door but not before turning back and sending Y/N a smile and a wink.

The tint of pink reappeared on her soft ample cheeks and John chuckled as she bit her lip and looked away, probably too embarrassed to even wave goodbye at him.

But either way, he was satisfied with how his day had ended.

That night, John went into a blissful sleep. He could swear he smelled the strong aroma of black coffee, could see the flowers loitering in a familiar looking shop, could taste the blueberry muffin he ate earlier.

He could also feel the gentle touch of a certain girl that did nothing but just drive him crazy these past few days. He could feel the fabric of a pastel pink dress brushing against his knee and the giggle that belonged to someone that had daisies in her hair.

This was the first time that he had dreamt of someone apart from Helen and her death. This was the first time he felt warmth radiating in his body. It was the first time he had dreamt of her.

And slowly but surely, he could feel Y/N leaning in, her soft cherry glossed lips brushing against the shell of his ear that only caused him to grip on his pillow tightly.

"John. Wake up, John." She'd whisper just as John heard the familiar beeping of his alarm clock. He fluttered his eyes open and immediately turned it off.

It was 5:30 AM. Sighing, he slowly sat up and turned to look at the daisy that sat perfectly on his nightstand.

And maybe, just maybe, in his groggy state, John picked up his wife's bracelet and placed it inside the drawer before closing it, leaving the little daisy and the cactus Y/N had gifted him on his nightstand.

He smiled at the view. It looked refreshing. But somehow, there was a feeling settling in his stomach that stirred the guilt in him a bit.

Because that was also the first time he had put away Helen's bracelet somewhere where he couldn't see.

But soon enough, the guilt died down as quickly as it came.

TAGS: @a-really-bi-girl @fanficsrusz @fairylightsandchai @pinkzsugar @edgiestwinter @paanchu786 @meetmeinthematinee @baphometwolf666 @fortheloveoffanfic @thesadvampire

#john wick fic #john wick imagines #john wick fanfiction #john wick x reader #john wick #john wick x you #dark!john wick

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justinsdaysinthedark · 5 years

Text

Post #2 - Thank You

What an overwhelming 36 hours it's been. An endless amount of phone calls & messages of support got me through what was an agonising day of waiting yesterday. This blog was started to keep my family and close friends informed about my journey but it's grown into so much more.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to each and every single one of you that took the time to reach out and wish me the best of luck. A simple message of support may not seem like much to you, but when you're in a situation like mine it means so much. Thank you.

Monday night provided the worst sleep I've had in weeks. Keep in mind, i've had some terrible sleeps in that time! Why? It was nerves. Simple as that. I was nervous for the gastroscopy and biopsy. It wasn't the procedure itself but the anaesthetic side to the operation. I haven't been under since I was five and the unknown had my measure. What if they didn't put me under fully? What if I could feel the procedure? What if I woke up early? What if I didn't wake up at all?

In retrospect, I lost sleep over nothing.

With the little sleep I did have, I woke up Tuesday morning earlier than normal. I was expecting the gastroscopy between 8:30am - 11:30am and knew I was booked in for a Radionuclide Ventriculography (RVG) scan of my heart later that afternoon.

Since being in hospital, 9am has been my regular time to get up, shower, brush the chompers - y'know, get ready for the day of sitting in my little 3x3 room and watching the world go past. Tuesday however, I was up and about at 7:30 - showered and ready. I hate feeling dirty, so if my procedure was at 8:30, I'd be ready to go.

Breakfast rolled around at 8:00 and I had to politely decline it as I was required to fast from 12am for the procedure.

This is about the time when my previous blog post took off and messages started coming in for the remainder of the morning. Before I knew it, it was 11am and nobody had been to get me for my procedure yet. I called the nurse and enquired to which I was told to hand tight, it shouldn't be much longer. Whilst she was around, she did my daily observations and it was no surprise to see my heart rate up to 100+BPM (regularly around 65BPM resting) and a slightly higher blood pressure. I guarantee this was due to the nerves.

Lunch comes around at 12:30 and once again had to politely decline. 12 hours fasting thus far - lucky I don't have an appetite still and honestly didn't care! It was around this time the doctor comes around with the results of my Lumbar Puncture. This fortunately came back negative as there was no major changes to the one I had three weeks ago. White blood cells still present with a marginally higher protein count than normal. I once again mentioned about my gastroscopy or there lack of and the doctor assumed I'd already had it. He said he'd follow it up and get back to me.

Mentally, I'm okay. Still incredibly nervous and a little frustrated I prepared myself for a procedure between 8:30 - 11:30 and still nothing. Your messages of support continue to light up my phone, which certainly kept me pre-occupied and made the time fly by.

Finally! 2:43pm and somebody comes to my bed to pick me up. "Justin Smith for a procedure? Let's go." I mentally build myself up as they take me. With my heart beating the quickest it had all day, we get going. Minutes later, we get into quite a dark room with a single scanner to my left and a glass wall. The radiographer, Liv meets me and goes through the basic questions. Name? Date of birth? Address? What are you here for? "A gastroscopy and biopsy" I reply. A few seconds of awkward silence follows so I split it with an "I think..." hoping to relieve the slight tension.

Liv replies with "not quite. We're here to do your Radionuclide Ventriculography scan of your heart."

My heart dropped. I spent the past fifteen minutes mentally preparing to go under and it's not even for the right procedure; I almost feel robbed!

To give you a brief understanding, the RVG scan involves injecting a small amount of radioactive material into your blood stream where they then track it until it passes through the heart, ensuring the heart is healthy and working as it should to a level that it should. Why am I having this scan? Good question. The doctors wanted to get ahead of the game essentially. Providing the biopsy comes back positive for lymphoma, I will need chemotherapy. The level of that chemo will depend, however if I do happen to require a strong dose, it can have negative effects to the heart. This scan is to ensure they have a baseline reading of my heart and ensure it will be able to handle a high dose of chemo.

This scan took 40 minutes from start to finish and before I knew it, I was up in my ward again. By this time, dad had arrived so at least I had somebody to talk to and reassure me when the time comes to get my gastroscopy.

4:00pm and the time finally came. 16 hours of fasting, I was slightly hungry but by this stage, I just wanted to get the procedure over and done with. I was still nervous, but more relieved the time had come. Having dad there for the hour or so beforehand made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

The operation itself involved a gastroscopy (camera down my throat into my stomach) and if they could see lymphnodes, get a biopsy to test.

Cutting to the chase, was it worth worrying for 16+ hours? Not at all. All I remember is them checking my blood pressure, putting something in my cannula and asking me to count to 10. I got to 12 and next thing I know, I woke up coughing my lungs up in recovery with a nurse next to me. Luckily, the coughing only lasted for about fifteen minutes and that was just a result of irritating my throat.

Apparently, the gastroscopy went well and they were able to get a couple of good tissues from the lymphnodes to biopsy. Additionally, they also took the following photos whilst they were inside - I have no idea what they're of or even if anything is okay, but I thought they were cool!

For the first 45 minutes after the procedure, I felt fine. I was great! I felt incredibly thirsty and hungry but I assume that was simply due to the fact I hadn't eaten. Things from here turned pretty quickly once I had some dinner and a glass of water. I started to go downhill pretty quickly - feeling incredibly fatigued and tired....essentially dopey. It was from here I knew I just needed to have some rest and I'd wake up better in the morning. Needless to say, I was asleep by 9pm and basically slept through the night...except for when the nurses woke me up at 11pm, 12pm. 3am and 5am.

Waking up this morning (Wednesday July 17th), I instantly felt a lot better than I had last night. Admittedly, I had a bit more of a sleep in than I generally would've - it was great. I use the term 'sleep in' lightly though - it's nothing like a sleep in at home! What was the plan of attack for today? Well to be honest I wasn't too sure. A doctor yesterday mentioned briefly about a bone marrow test however the nurses and doctors on had no idea about one and couldn't see one booked in. I hadn't eaten since the night prior however the nurses got me to fast once again whilst they investigated. As a result, breakfast was staring me right in the face and I couldn't even touch my beloved weetbix, milk and sugar!

The clock ticks over to 10:37 and a Young, lanky doctor comes by. "Hi Justin, I'm Alex and I'll be doing your bone marrow procedure today..." Alex went on to explain the procedure, risks and what to expect. As he finished and started to walk away I had one last burning question. "When are we doing it? Later this afternoon?" "Now" Alex replied.

Woah. Wait. What? Hang on two seconds. I'm not prepared for this. You mean now...as in like, once Alex had finished preparing? You betcha....

Now I was under the assumption I'd be getting knocked out as I had done the night before however Alex proceeded to explain they'll put some medication in my cannula that "makes you feel like you've had four or five beers" as well as some local anaesthetic. No point being worried or scared about it - if it's getting done bedside, it couldn't be near as bad as the lumbar puncture, right? Once again, like I have been for the past few weeks I was completely and utterly wrong.

First though, what's this procedure involve? Basically, blood, white blood cells and platelets are produced in your bone marrow. This can be accessed via key areas of your body depending on your age...for me it was my hipbone - left side to be exact. The aim of the procedure is to get these fresh samples of blood, white blood cells and platelets as well as get a sample of my bone marrow - generally one small sample of the bone.

Alex got me curled up in the fetal position, lying on my right and basically began straight away. A few local anaesthetic needles numbed the surface before he inserted a needle in to collect the blood samples. This part was similar to a lumbar puncture, but I couldn't feel as much internally.

Alex then stated he was starting the bone marrow collection, which was without fail the worst part of this whole experience so far. He used the large needle with a blue handle, which can be seen below.

Alex hit the bone and advised me the next part was only going to tickle a little bit. What's he do? He starts to screw into my bone. Whilst I couldn't see, it felt very similar to uncorking a bottle of wine. Whilst he went in no deeper than 1mm, christ it hurt. The worst part was yet to come. Much like the pressure behind uncorking a bottle of wine, this happened too. Alex yanked the sample out and the pressure and pain was immense! Done. It's all done. Thank goodness. Then Alex said the words I didn't want to hear next. "Y'know what Justin? We want to make sure we only have to do this once, so let's get another sample, eh?"

Oh my lord. Are you kidding me? Whatever. Lets do it. I want to get it over and done with. I don't even think I replied, just mumbled something along the lines of whatever. And thus, the process happens again. I've attached photos of the two samples below, which I thought were pretty cool!

I must admit, Alex was incredible during the procedure. I asked at the start to keep me informed throughout the whole process. I'm quite an inquisitive character when things are happening that I don't know what the process is and this was no different. Alex not only kept me informed, he did as much as he could to keep me as comfortable as I could be during such a procedure. One thing I was incredibly surprised at was how much blood was on his hands!

Not much happened throughout the rest of today to be honest. Courtney, dad and mum came to visit but that was it. The doctors advised they are expecting the result of the biopsy tomorrow afternoon (hopefully) however they said it could take anywhere up to 72 hours from the procedure - which puts it at Friday night or Monday. Where does that put me? Same boat as I have been throughout this entire process - just waiting for answers.

I was advised that the results could come back either negative or inconclusive. Whilst this wouldn't be ideal, it's unfortunately just going to be another roadblock in this venture. In preparation the results don't come back the way we probably expect the, too, I'm booked in for an ultrasound of my gall bladder tomorrow. That will be their next avenue to answers. I suspect this is because my PET scan showed up significant areas in my gall bladder and I suppose that's not exactly a vital cog of the human body...so I suspect they'll just remove it, cut it open and see what's inside. But that's nowhere near a medical analysis of what's going to happen.

Before I finish for tonight, I'll leave you with how I am mentally. How am I going despite all this? Y'know what? I'm actually the opposite to what you probably think I am. I'm in the best mental state I have been over the past six weeks. Why? I think it's because we're close to (hopefully) getting an answer or at least following a more solid path to answers.

I end tonight with a final thank you. Thank you for all the messages and endless love. It's helping - trust me, it is.

Juzz xx

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footprinting · 4 years

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Tarawera 2020 ✨

"So Emma, how does it feel to have so many people you care about running this weekend?".

In an immensely thoughtful few seconds, Nico zoomed right into the heart of everything.

We were in Rotorua to run Tarawera. Friday had been filled with festivities. Saturday was to be the big one. We had a rare few minutes chilling at our shared house of dear friends, in between one activity to another.

It had been a whirlwind of a week. A week previously I had hopped on a plane to see my sister in Perth - and more specifically, her with her newborn wee girl. Winnie was 11 weeks when I visited. She's perfect. We had precious days together just being, and besotted by this tiny niece. After four days: back to Wellington. Sleep. Drive up to Napier. My brother had arranged for all of us to see Elton John at the Mission, in particular for my Mum. Spectacular. It was a colourful rainbow of joyfulness and festivities - no black t-shirts to be seen - and we immersed ourselves in the warmth and music and drank it all in from the grassy field. Then a through the night drive from Napier to Rotorua, arriving at 2am. Sleep. Up again. The weekend was ready to begin. A few of us headed down to the expo and squeals of enthusiasm welcomed people from far afield, with a particular highlight being Marieve from Canada. We leapt and hugged and exclaimed that this could barely be real. It was a feeling that was to continue. Family had shone bright that week. Treasured friends radiated that same meaningful brightness.

Its been three weeks since that weekend. I keep trying to write a race report. When I think of the weekend the numbers and details fade away. It's the feels that stay with me. Love. So much love. Highs. The highs that were stratospheric. Lows. When I hear someone had to quit from the event, or when my heart falls to my feet with worry for someone else who's not doing well. Thankfulness. For all the helpers. Bewilderment. At learning to accept help. And then: more love.

No pain. No pride. No rah rah rah I'm amazing. I read a book about ultra running this week. It missed a point. It was about pushing and striving and being hard. But nothing of what it means to build a family of people who gravitate toward these same meaningful journeys we go on. And that's the real story I want to tell. Nor is the photo of a medal or a jump or a selfie. It's of a torn up hand, raw; holding two gifted daisies in wonderment from two cheering kids.

(Here's the disclaimer that you're going to need a coffee, an Ultra IPA, or a big swig of electrolyte to last the distance on this read. Settle in!)

Friday was magic. Zooming around the race check in and expo and seminars and friends was like a trail running Disneyland. I could feel myself getting nervous for Chris and for Rachel, both in for the big dance of 💯 with me. Marieve called BS on my thinking: "Hey! You're racing tomorrow! Look out for you too!". She settled my mind for the better. Strong friends know to look out for strong friends. We found quiet oases of time. We had prepared a lot back in Wellington, and this helped gift us spare hours and relaxing. Bed. Early. Reasonable sleep -- never excellent the night before -- and we woke before the 3.50am alarm.

Saturday started with a series of familiar steps. Shower. Coffee. Bircher muesli. Whispered conversation. Our bags for the day re-checked. Out the door we went. In the dark we walked the fifteen minutes to our 5am bus. The drive reminded us the scale of the journey ahead of us. Winding roads took over an hour to the start line. It rained. We were grateful for this: not too hot, and the first rain for this scorched town since Christmas. The start line was a colourful blur of people, many focused on toilet logistics. We assembled on the start line. We were ready. We look into each others eyes, Chris especially, and with Rachel, we grasp each other with meaningful words. We set off.

I was calm. It was surreal, being back in this field, where I had been three times previously. Always a finish line to amazing days. This time was the beginning. We wound ourselves around fields and the trail. Two figureheads were clapping and cheering on the edge of a high up field: Paul, the race founder / beautiful human and Kerry, previous winner / coach extraordinarre / comedian and these guys are two of the biggest hearts around. Both have been gateway drugs for us into trail running and I admire them immensely. "Hey Paul! Hey Kerry!" I yahooed up at them. They both returned with a HEY! EMMA! and Kerry yells "Right folks, run with her today, she's the cheeriest runner around!". On we weave in this dreamlike but focussed state. They are new trails we're running when we get past the fields. Beautiful. I see great whirlpools of deep water alongside the weaving track. It's going to be warm today but we're still comfortable. We get into the foresty road after 5 or so kilometres. I'm excited about this section. My legs start moving more easily, eager to settle in to some happy miles.

And then. Kilometre 9 or 10. On a piece of gravel barely the size of a fingernail. I'm flying. I go down. I'm up and running again before I dust myself off. The guys around me got a fright, as much as I did. "I'm getting the fall out of the way for today!" I jest. Adrenaline keeps me going. It stings. My sunglasses are done for, the front of my clothes dusted up. I wash myself off a bit at the next aid station. This is a return of a shakiness that's bugged me since the end of last year, a previous fall on a trail. It's ok. I recalibrate. I'm feeling ok and I know I'll be fine, alongside the need to be careful.

Kilometres 10 through 35 tick along happily. It's flowing and beautiful. Never boring. The light is already rising over the trees. My phone is purposefully tucked deep inside my bag. I absorb it all instead. The flowy paths. The cheer and vibrancy of the aid stations. The banter. People ask me sometimes what I do not to get bored when I run. So many hours! They say. But this was all encompassing. Connected. I dove into conversations in my mind that I needed to have, and occasional ones with trail friends.

At kilometre 35, Tarawera Falls, it gets a bit more technical, and again going through Tarawera Outlet. It is magestic at the Falls. Those deep, dark whirlpools. I run past one amazing vista after another. At the fifth or sixth jaw dropping viewpoint I relent. It's time to get a picture. The trail running fairies will give me demerit points if I don't capture this magic. And so I do. On we go. Each of these aid stations is such a lift. People! Colour! A hive of activity and people looking deep into your eyes offering help.

Through Tarawera Falls to Humphries Bay to Lake Okataina, kilometres 35 to 58, is the most technical of the day. Gorgeous, tricky, playful trail. I'm slower than usual here. I charge my watch during this section; biffing it into my bag in it's entirety with the charger. I hear it chirrup with each kilometre. But I don't need to see the pace. People are slowing, tired, grumbly sometimes. One person behind me audibly swears every time she hits a tree root. Which is very often. Loudly. Distracting. I zoom on a bit to get ahead. I'm ticking along and managing energy all ok. I realise here that my time goals have galloped on. I won't hit the number I had in mind. And that's ok. I make peace with it. The day is more important. Later I reflect on this: was I not hungry enough? How much more could I have done? But I'm at ease. It's ok. I settle in. I'm more than half way, relaxed, and I've still got some work to do.

I see the sign indicating an aid station up ahead, cruising into Okaitaina at kilometre 58. For the people that have run Tarawera: we recognise this aid station sign in a nanosecond. It is magical. The simplicity of red lettering on white background simply saying 'Aid Station, 200m' brings with it floods of endorphins, a feeling of possibility, and the knowledge that people will be on the other side of that sign. I am floating now, skipping along the end of the trail as I reach it. There's something more here though. A megaphone. A women in a wedding dress yahooing at me through the megaphone. Hallucinations??Nope. This could only be Lesley, spectacularly inspiring fearsome badass lady and coach extraordinarre Lesley! We each leap and embrace and squeal and then she runs in her wedding dress to help me with what I need, talking to me through the megaphone the whole time. What do I need? How am I feeling? Hurry the heck up she says, we'll sort you right out! In a blur of joy I'm getting my stuff, being covered in sun lotion by a lovely lady. ("This reminds me of looking after kids", she says with handfuls of sun lotion and I say it must be my childlike glee). I see a really special colleague at my left elbow, who's supporting a friend. I ask how her day is doing, how her friend is doing, and before I know it I'm being chased right out of the aid station by Lesley. Chop chop she says, get right out of here! On I go to chase the next hill, the last 2 minutes a blur of people and wondrousness and noise and hilarity. That was the first aid station all day of supporters (alongside volunteers) and I realised even more then how much I valued their company.

I head into Western Okaitaina Walkway. The next section is the longest of the day, 16-17 kilometres. It will be a slog. Except it's not. Not too bad. I had literal nightmares after I ran this twice the first year, the first ultra ever and in a tropical cyclone, an apocalypse of mud that was neverending. I would wake for years later being right back there, skiing in ankle deep sludge. I'd remember the feeling of standing in the shower afterwards, all my clothes on and even shoes, the mud still stuck on me. Now? It's a beautiful winding trail. Birds chirrup as do cicadas. There's dense bush and flowy trail. Sure, it takes work. But it's special. And I'm grateful for the tree cover and a reprieve from baking sun. It could be hotter, or more barren. I get it done.

Afterwards someone says to me: you couldn't have a constantly negative attitude running ultras, could you? The positivity must help. And it does. Positivity alongside realism. Sometimes you get tired. You problem solve. You keep on. You're in it for the big picture. You embrace the ups and downs. I realise here what I've got Chris into, and Rachel too, each running their own days behind me. I feel guilty. They'll be so tired. It's so long. I'm tired too. I'm doing the maths on the course and I'm already seeing it will run a little long. But there's work to do: I focus on keeping my feet flowing and running within my abilities. I recognise some of the trail, and always find new bits I'm seeing as if for the first time. Each brings with it sets of memories. And onwards I go.

I reach Miller Road, after 17k through the up and over of Western Okaitaina Walkway. "Heck am I happy to see you!" I exclaim, and I'm not the first that day to say so. I fill myself up with ginger beer, being careful to keep things simple with food, I'm getting closer to the finish line now (at 75k) but there's still a long way to go. I see a couple of running heroes waiting for a friend of theirs: one heckles me, one heckles him for heckling me and with kindness. It feels good to run downhill on the gravel road. I belt it a little bit. These legs still work. My mood has stayed mainly high for the day. There'll be wobbles every so often. But all solvable. I see so much of the beauty. I feel so bloody lucky to be out here. The only thing I have to do is keep moving.

I come into Okaitaina campground where we camped last summer, and on next to the magnificent new boardwalk around the lake. My feet have been scratching at me. You don't mess around with these things: if it's almost a problem now it will be a problem in a few kilometres and then a Very Big Problem a few kilometres after that. I had meant to change my socks at Okaitaina before I sped out of there like a racecar in a highly tuned pitstop (led by Lesley in a wedding dress). I have spares in my bag. So I take a seat at the next opportunity, peel off my shoes and socks, wipe off my feet, and luxuriate in the ridiculously amazing fresh socks. Plus a quick message to Chris (I love you and I hope you're having an amazing day and here is where I am and things are good) and my friend who'll be waiting to join me (I'm running late I say, I'll be there as soon as I can!). A selfie is a must to a group of girlfriends. And: all this takes 7 minutes. Seven. The best. Could I have kept on without it? Of course. Might it have bitten me later by not changing? Likely. Was it worth it for my mind? Hell yes.

Off I zoom (lol - off I creak) further around Lake Okaitaina, then Okaitaina township, then into Tennant's Track, then on to Blue Lake. I'm always in awe of the thousands of hours volunteers are investing into the event. And so many marshalls sitting on corners are doing exactly that through here. I notice and I thank them and I keep on. Tennant's Track is pretty cut up and rooty, and there's lots of concentrating happening. I pop out near Blue Lake - and there are supporters! - yay! Maybe it's 20 kilometres to go now, and this is all feeling more possible. Around Blue Lake I go, maybe slower than ever, with a highlight being when I hear Stu Milne at my elbow. "Gidday Emma!" he says, as he speeds into view. Holy shit! my blurred mind exclaimed, Stu - you're winning the miler?? It wasn't far off: he was the pace runner for the first placed 100-mile runner, and the two of them floated along these smooth delightful trails at a speeding pace that I'd run a fast 10 kilometres in.

I come into the Blue Lake aid station, again to familiar faces, and again so grateful for the people that give up their weekends to help us in ours. There's a photo Julia took of me coming in here and I'm full beam, OMG PEOPLE and in realising the end is nigh. I know the trail from here and I am already looking forward to seeing more people I love. The sun is low as I run through the Redwoods. The light is very special. It's paradise. Still very hard. But there's no doubting it's special here. I look down at my watch and I know that there are more hills to come. But on we go. We got this. Bending around corners and over hills. Onwards. Through here there is a cluster of three people, of an adult and two kids. Each kid gives me a single daisy. Great job! they say. I almost lose it in a flurry of emotion. I high five them and thank them hugely. I promise to carry the daisies with me. They are in my palm for a long time, and then in my pack pocket. These are the things I remember.

On and on deep into the Redwoods. And then. We're getting there. The aid station is further than I remember. Now I can see the cars and hear the music with the people. With this there will be 7 kilometres to go. I am already anticipating seeing Kate's face, her energy as we run together for that last bit, what it means to share that time after she's been waiting. I get there. I see her! But hang on: there are more people. Abi is also going to run. Jaime, Nico, Richard and Julia are all there too. What's happening?? They are there to cheer and yahoo, especially. This lifts me so high that I feel like a whole new person, a new day, a new run. Off we set in our trio. "Tell me everything about your day!! How are you?? I can't believe you're here after already running the 20 today!!" I say, I want to know everything and hear everything and drink in their own achievements of what they've done. (Also fun tip: asking questions is a super great way of getting your breath back a tiny bit). Along we gallop, them steering me in the right direction and cautioning me of all the various bumps and dangers and mile markers of how far to go. I feel cocooned and accept the help. I feel like the luckiest ever.

There's more.

Lindsay and Mel are on a corner. They leap up and down. They have their running shoes on. They are here to join us. We are now a fivesome.

The sun is reaching the lake now and the water is ablaze with pink, reflecting the glowing skies. The light is otherworldly. It's like a storybook. And with these Queens. The best.

Michelle joins us in a field. All these people have already crushed a race of their own - and are running, again, a quietly planned flourish to end this shared day. We're collecting people! Then Mal. Jaime. Nico. The pace is getting faster and faster, we're almost there, and faster still when they tell me the beer tent is closing. (Jokes. But it helped). Nine of us round the corner into the finishing chute. We're there. I leap over the finish line and in the background you can see people. The crew. My loves. Hands held up high in cheers. We did it.

Kerry is on the finish line commentating, a book end to the day. He was there at the beginning and here he is on the finish line. I thank him. This is not a day of sleep for him, nor much even in the month prior. He's a cornerstone to many peoples journeys and has been part of mine in recent years. We share words. I thank him for making friends on that bus all those years ago on the first Tarawera: You think you've come for a run, he said, but you are going to stay for the people.

Around the corner into the aid tent I go and I want to zoom right out to hang with these cherished people (and to lay horizontal in the grass). Want do you want to do now? I say. And I realise there's nothing else to do. Nothing we have to. But to be. And they spoil me like heck, with those minutes and those hours following being about sharing in the day. Of all our days. I get a shower. We go out for dinner. I get a nap. We go back out to that majestic last aid station.

My voice is scratchy from so many hollers and cheers at the 2am cheer party. This is the final aid station where we spend over two hours. I see Marieve in her last few kilometres, and Rachel, and then Chris. CHRIS! We run the end of his day together too, a story all of it's own, and a very meaningful one. He finishes. We leave the finish line as the sun comes up. It's been more than 24 hours since we woke the day previously.

What a day it had been, in between.

It's never about the day. It's about everything that comes before it, and the learnings, and the relationships that flourish to make it what it becomes. That's what keeps us going back. And that - I don't say this lightly - changes lives.

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xaphrin · 7 years

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obiyuki; you're the hot neighbor who jogs by my house right when I'm watering plants AU

Shirayukibit back a curse as she shuffled through the dry grass to her finickyroseplants. Her nose scrunched up and she reached out to stroke theleaves, wondering if it was the heat, or the lack of water, or poorsoil… or maybe it was just a combination over everything.

Probablyeverything, honestly.

[more under the cut]

Thesummer was getting ungodly hot, and nearly all of her plants werestarting to show all the effects, wilting this way or that andlooking at her as if they were crying out for relief. There had beena dry spell through the last few weeks, and her plants were barelyclinging to life as Shirayuki watered them only as much as necessaryto keep them alive. She was trying to do her part when it came toconserving water.

Shesighed and moved toward the side of her tiny house to unravel thehose, setting her nozzle to mist.Checking off a list of things she needed to do in her head, Shirayukiwas distracted as she moved into her front yard, watering her plantsalong the way. Today was a rare day that she had completely off, andthere were at least ten things on her To-Do List that had moved toimportant spots this week. If she finished those things by at leastnoon, then she could meet Yuzuri for lunch and-

“Ah…”

Shirayukiwas yanked out of her thoughts by a sound that was practicallyobscene,and she jerked backward in just enough time to see the mist from herhose watering something that was notherpants. Her cheeks flushed and she couldn’t help but oogle the dropsof moisture that fell into dark hair before sliding down darklytanned skin and a toned chest. Her throat grew suddenly dry andShirayuki wasn’t quite sure when her words would reunite with hermouth. She just stood there dumbly for a moment, watching longfingers curl through dark hair before falling at his side.

“Thanksfor the spray, Miss. It was getting hot.” His smile was lopsided, alittle teasing, and he leaned against the picket fence. He was allease, his voice playful even though he’d gotten a face full of hosewater. “I don’t think I’m what you were aiming for though.”

“Myroses… they’re a bit dry…” Shirayuki tried to look anywhereotherthan his smiling face and molten gold stare, but as she pulled hereyes down his body she realized with no small amount of shame thathis jersey shorts had gotten wet… and there was nothingleftto the imagination. She nearly squeaked out of shock and turned tostare at her roses, praying she could just disappear into theirleaves. “Ah. I’m sorry… I can… I can go get you a towel.”

“Nah.It’s fine. It’s gonna be so hot today, I’m sure I’ll dry in afew minutes anyway.”

Theease of his voice made her look up again. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”His smile cocked to the side, as he looked at her with question. “Youjust moved here, right? I mean to the neighborhood.”

Shenodded, her hands tightening around the nozzle for the hose. “Idid… I just moved in a few months ago. I haven’t really metanyone yet, but the place seems nice. I like the family next door.”

“Yeah!The Fosters. They’re nice. Kids are cute, dogs are obnoxious. Theybark at everything.I think the Curtis’ are on the other side of you, but they’resnowbirds so they only come up in the summer, and even then you neverreally see them.” He smiled and flicked his hair out his eyes,suddenly looking a bit bashful, as if he realized he’d been talkinga bit too much. As if to distract her, he slid over his arms andwiped a few drops of moisture from his skin, letting them flick ontothe pavement. “Anyway, I live with some friends down the street…in 1402. You should come hang out with us tomorrow. We’re cookingout.”

“Oh.”Shirayuki tried not to think about the water that was still clingingto his skin, and she looked back up into his eyes. Before what sherealized her mouth was doing, she was already confirming plans fortomorrow. “I um… sure? I can bring something over… I’d liketo meet some more neighbors, if that’s okay.”

“Oh,yeah! Bring some friends if you want. It’ll be pretty chill. I’lllet my roommates know you’re coming.” He looked a littlepanicked, as if he wasn’t expecting her to say yes, and thenfumbled for a moment to pull himself together. Flashing her anothersmile, he reached over her picket fence and offered his hand. “I’mObi, by the way… I don’t think I introduced myself or anything.”

“Shirayuki.”She couldn’t help but note that his hand felt strong,long fingers and a firm grip made her cheeks flush with fantasiesabout how dexteroushishands really were. “Do you always run this early in the morning? Idon’t know if I’ve seen you before.” Did that sound weird? Ohgod. That probably sounded weird. Shewasweird. Whywas he making her act so weird?

“Usually.”He shrugged and looked down the street before glancing back at her.“I don’t usually run this way though, so I’m glad I did today.It was a happy accident to get all wet by you.”

Washe flirting? Shirayuki didn’t know how to flirt!The last time shehad tried to flirt with someone, she’d made a fool of herself infront of an entire study hall. What in the world was she supposed todo? She swallowed the lump that was building in her throat and felther eyes drag back down his body before she could stop herself. “Ah…right… sorry. About the water, I mean. The towel offer still standsif you want it.”

Wasshe flirting? Probably not, but at least she was trying.

“I’llhold you to it.” His watch beeped and he glanced back down beforelooking back at her. There was a flash of reluctance across his face,as if he was warring with himself about what he wanted to do next.“Ah man, I gotta get going. It was nice to meet you…” Heshifted his weight again, trying to drag out the time he was spendingwith her. “So, will I see you tomorrow?”

Shirayukiblinked. “For the cook out or for your run?”

“Well,that depends…” His smile returned, all lopsided and charming, andhe leaned against her fence, looking like the epitome of casualflirtation. “Are you going to be watering your plants same timetomorrow?”

Shewas now. “Yes.”

“Thenboth.”

Shirayukinodded, knowing that she probably looked like an idiot, staring athim with wide eyes and a burning red face. “I guess I’ll see youtomorrow then.”

“Good.”He pulled back, watching her carefully. “Then I guess I’ll seeyou tomorrow sometime.”

Shirayukinodded, realizing that her roses were going to be sowell wateredthissummer.

—

Obipushed open the side door of their house to find Zen sitting at thekitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee as he flicked through messageson his phone. His shoulders were hunched, but Obi could see a flashof a picture on his screen. Of courseZenwould spend his morning looking at pictures of his ex. What a greatway to start the day, actually. His eyes flicked to Obi for just amoment before looking back down into his phone with a snort.

“You’regrinninglike an idiot.” His tone sat somewhere between a question and anaccusation, but he was ultimately curious. Happiness always made Zencurious and it was so weird. The poor guy just needed some love.

“Well…I just met the girl who lives in 1205.” Obi’s smile widened.“She’s cute. Looks single. Nice yard. Oh!” He snapped hisfingers, as if remembering something for the first time. “She hasthe roses you compliment every time you pass.”

Zen’sjaw ticked and he glanced up at him. There was the heavy silence thatseemed to weigh over the kitchen as he realized exactlywhatObi was doing, and howhewas doing it. Zen swallowed the rest of his coffee in one gulp andstood up. Ooo, Obi had worked him up, this ought to be fun to watch.“No.I won’t have you setting me up with a neighbor.And I don’t care how nice her roses are I’m not-”

“Oh,come on…don’tsay you don’twantto take a stroll in her rose garden.” Obi’s smile widened at theinnuendo, and Zen just balked, taking a step back. Obi laughed andpoured himself a glass of water. Zen just glared at the back of hishead. “I’m telling you, she’s cute. She could help you getover-”

“AndI’m telling you no.”Zen huffed and made his way to the door. “I don’t want you tryingto hook me up with everyone you see.”

“Pity.”Obi gulped down some water and grinned again. “Because I invitedher to a cookout tomorrow.”

Zenpaled, eye wide. “Whatcookout?”

“Apparentlyone we’re throwing tomorrow.” He picked up Zen’s keys from thetable and jangled them in front of his face before heading out of thekitchen. “Guess we’re going to the store.”

“Obi.”

“You’llthank me later, I promise.”

#obiyuki #HAHAHAHAhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa #WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME LIKE THIS????#WHY HAVE YOU SOMEHOW SEEDED AN ENTIRE STORY IN MY HEAD #WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS SAB???#WHY #WHO TOLD YOU THIS WAS OKAY #Just toss my useless form off a cliff and watch me free-fall into oblivion #because this will be my casual story that I will work on after the mechanic au #because why not destroy myself #it's cool #it's cooool

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 5 years

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I'm giving up podcasts to save my brain and soul from overload

In an era when there's so much information — so much content — that we can never, ever be bored, I've come to a breaking point: I'm giving up podcasts.

My brain is melted from an onslaught of news and takes. I've come to realize that I'm overwhelmed and the only way to catch my breath is to cut something out. So I've cracked open my podcast app for the last time for the foreseeable future.

SEE ALSO: Spotify bets big on podcasts with acquisition of Gimlet and Anchor

That's not to say I'm giving up on listening to things on my commutes or my many, many walks with an overactive dog. There's more music available at my fingertips than I could ever hope to listen to, and I'm also taking up audiobooks as a way to help pass these cold, windy strolls through the Ohio winter.

My farewell to podcasts didn't come easily. After all, they are extremely interesting and entertaining, like a personalized talk radio station that shuffles through topics that speaks directly to my soul. But the time has come to give my soul (and my mind) a break. I need to reclaim those hours and spend it doing something other than trying to stuff even more information into an already overpacked brain.

Information Overload

Here's the real problem: I could listen to podcasts, on double speed, for every waking minute of my week and still not come close to chipping away at the stack of all of the episodes piling up in my queue. It's the result of something good: my enthusiasm for so many things. But somewhere along the line it's taken a bad turn.

A huge part of the problem is that I've been trying to stay up on all the political news I can in a particularly volatile environment. I recently wrote for this very site about the political podcasts I listened, so there's always something in the queue. Everything from the analytical banter of the FiveThirtyEight politics podcast to the Associated Press's deeply reported "Ground Game."

These feel like must-listens that kept me up-to-date on everything happening in the political world. And that's not including the new spate of daily news podcasts that break down everything that just happened, like the New York Times' popular "The Daily" podcast and the Washington Post's "Post Reports.

There's only so much I can really take in, though. And I'm definitely not alone. It's an extension of a wider problem that many of us have been dealing wit. Burnout over bad news has been an issue for years, but it's even more prevalent now given the volatility of the news cycle we're living through — climate change, North Korea, Trump, you name it. It's also fed by how we consume the news in a never-ending stream of TV, radio, digital video, social media, and, yes, podcasts.

There's so much input that if you don't adjust, you just might drown in the tidal wave of information. As someone who lives and writes on the internet all day, it's something I'm hyper aware of and — at least for me — one of the easiest ways to alleviate some of the flow is to, well, cut out the podcasts.

Podcast overload has been an issue people have explored, especially as podcasts have become more popular. In August 2017, The Ringer looked at why listening to your podcasts on hyper-speed (like, ahem, I do) doesn't really help. And in October 2017, Sirena Bergman of The Cut explored the pros and cons of cramming all these podcasts into your head in any given week.

None of the suggestions I've found for finding balance have worked for me. I've tried to listen to many podcasts on double-speed and fewer podcasts on regular speed and neither has offered the solution I'm searching for. Even cutting back a significant amount hasn't done the trick: I just keep going back for more. So I decided that the best thing for me is to simply quit cold turkey.

Not Necessarily the News

News and politics aren't the only thingsI've been piping through my earbuds. I've been a huge fan of music podcasts for years now, specifically for my favorite jam bands: the Grateful Dead-focused "Brokedown Podcast" and three Phish-related podcasts. Throw in "Pod Dylan," which analyzes a different Bob Dylan song every episode, and I've got hours of great material every week.

You can also add to the pile the countless sports podcasts I'm subscribed to. There are the three different Chicago Cubs podcasts and then there a half-dozen other baseball podcasts. On top of that there's the odd football podcast like the "(New Orleans) Saints Happy Hour Podcast," and then the ESPN "30 for 30" podcast series. Put it all together and you've got a stack of podcasts that piles up like back issues of the New Yorker.

That's another problem: These podcasts are supposed to be informative, but they're also supposed to be fun. Hearing hosts blow off steam about, say, a terrible Super Bowl-altering no call or a deep analysis of a terrific run of Phish shows is meant to help reduce the stress that builds up in my brain from everything else.

Instead, seeing the episodes pile up and knowing I'm never going to get to them only ups the pressure in my head. And how many more sponsored messages can I really listen to before I break down and get my own meal kit subscription?

I'm surprised no one thanked Boll & Branch, Me Undies or Casper Mattresses this #Oscars Then, again, perhaps I listen to one too many podcasts.

— GettingCookedWithCraig (@GettingCooked) February 25, 2019

I want to stay informed. I want to hear the latest analysis of up-and-coming baseball prospects or what, exactly, an obscure Bob Dylan B-side means, because it genuinely interests me. But even when I made myself stop listening to every episode and got more picky, listening only to the episodes I really wanted to check out, the stress didn't really subside.

At a certain point, the anxiety of missing out on something, anything, became greater than the excitement of listening to a new episode of any podcast. Every episode I skipped could be a golden nugget I'd never hear. Was there a terrific anecdote about Phish's latest Madison Square Garden run or a life-changing revelation about a 1972 Dead show in one of the episodes I missed?

This overpowering fear of missing out (FOMO) became my biggest hurdle to both listening to and ultimately giving up podcasts.

Fighting FOMO

I want to keep up. In an age where information moves impossibly fast, I want to be on that leading edge. Plus there's also the not-insignificant fear of being left out of the cultural conversation.

A few years ago, I was able to keep up with the "Serial" zeitgeist, devouring every episode as soon as it dropped. In 2019, there are so many of these podcasts that I can't possibly keep track. "S-Town"? I fell off after several episodes and never caught back up. Same with "Dirty John" and "Slow Burn."

But I agonized over it, still downloading the episodes and telling myself that, yes, tomorrow was TOTALLY the day I'd dive in and catch up to what everyone was talking about on Twitter.

What peer-induced FOMO podcast should I be listening to?

— Derek Hiebert (@derekhiebert) February 19, 2019

The more these episodes piled up, the more stressed I became. But there just aren't enough hours in the day. And the truth is that I've got a pretty bad memory. I've probably forgotten more of the fascinating anecdotes and revelations I've been seeking than I've remembered. So what am I really missing in the end?

I'm find leaving one Stone unturned

There comes a breaking point for everyone, and I finally reached mine not long after the new year, when the lighter load of the holidays fell away and the news cycle cranked up again. When Roger Stone was finally indicted as part of the Mueller investigation, the exhaustion hit me just as the news cycle exploded, including a barrage of "emergency podcasts" on the topic.

In the days that followed, I watched the deluge of reactionary podcasts roll in, but I found the urge to click "play" was fading. Between the news I was already gleaning from social media and stories I read, that fear of missing something wasn't nearly as strong as it had been before.

Maybe it was Trump overload, maybe it was something about Stone himself — a truly repulsive charlatan — that turned me off. Either way, as the days ticked by, I didn't feel that same pull to learn more. The hold was broken, and it was easier to let other podcasts keep slipping by until I realized I wasn't really missing anything at all.

So long, happy trails

When I mentioned my podcast sabbatical to a friend, they asked why I was going cold turkey instead of, say, just cutting back? I get that it seems extreme but it's a mix of two things: the need to give my brain full break each day and the hope of a fresh start.

And I plan to stick to it. I've already mowed through a few audiobooks and have downloaded another half-dozen from my local library and have no desire to give up the calmer, more cohesive experience of listening to these books for a return to chaotic world of podcasts.

Will something ever happen to draw me back? Maybe. If and when the Mueller Report finally drops, I can see dipping a toe back into the pool for an episode or two of analysis. Same goes for some sort of major move by one of my sports teams. (Say, the Cubs suddenly signing free agent star Bryce Harper.)

SEE ALSO: Podcasts were my friends when I had none

But, for now, I'm done. Maybe getting my brain smoothed back out over the coming months will put me in a better place to come back to a slimmed down input of podcasts in time for, say, the 2020 presidential election.

Even then, I'll need to wade slowly into the shallow end. If I do come back, I know I'll feel a lot better about managing the overload and being picky, making sure that what I choose to take in will be truly beneficial for me and something I can truly value. FOMO, be damned.

WATCH: Will Ferrell brings back Ron Burgundy for iHeartRadio podcast

#_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_author:Marcus Gilmer #_uuid:16185a0c-a8a7-3bfe-a806-7d06b807c2ed #_revsp:news.mashable

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5hfanfiction · 7 years

Text

I Needed You (5H/Camren/Laucy)

We’re both sitting on a couch in this room, empty coffee table in front of us. Across the room is a middle aged male sitting in a plush leather chair, his name is James. James is a marriage counselor, for a few months now we’ve been seeing James on a bi weekly basis. For the first couple of weeks it was just us staring at him, him waiting patiently for either one of us to speak. Neither of us would say a word, at one point I started to think what’s the point in all this? We’re making zero progress and frankly it’s becoming a waste of my time, I’m starting to come to grips with the fact that my marriage was no longer something that could be mended and then one day she finally spoke.

“We fight” “We don’t fight, you yell and then you leave” “I leave because…We don’t communicate” “We try to communicate you’re just on a completely different page” “Oh because I don’t do what you want?” “No, because you cheated..again.”

“That was a long time ago. We’re fine now.” She says to James I look her way, I scoff “We’re fine.”

•

“There has to be a deeper reason” I say as I’m standing up now pacing the room a bit “There isn’t I already told you. You know why” “What am I suppose to do with that?” “Trust me?” “I trusted you last time and look where it’s gotten us” I point to James “In three years, five years what if you change your mind again? You’ll regret it, because I’m not gonna be here waiting forever.” “I’m not going to change my mind-” “You’ve said all this before! How do you expect me to believe you?” “People make mistakes, I’m not perfect. I made a mistake!” “Why. Tell me why?”

•

“You’re with her all the time, do you really expect me to believe it’s only happened twice in all the years we’ve been together” “You’re just being ridiculous now. I don’t do everything with her plus she’s my best friend, she’s my person-” “I should be your person!” “Be my person. Be my person Lucy! Be my freakin’ person!” “Be MY person.” I whisper

•

James had us try this exercise where we just look at each other, we’re siting face to face and just concentrate on looking at each other. It works for about five minutes before I blink and direct my eyes towards anywhere but hers. I hear her sigh.

“You have to try” she says sounding defeated “I am trying” “We’re suppose to be concentrating on each other and breath. You’re not, your mind is somewhere else other than here.” “Oh so now you know my every thought and intention?” I snap “Don’t do that! Don’t act like you’re the sun and everything revolves around you cause it doesn't” She turns her body away from mine, then sighs deeply “We use to be able to look at each other and we just knew that everything would be ok. ” “I’m here, I’m right here Lauren. I’m trying. Please just look at me.” She turns to face me again “Ok, I’m looking at you” she says to me but in that moment I realize, I’m looking at her but I don’t see her. And it’s jabs like that that are slowly chipping away at my heart.

•

Lauren disengages eye contact this time and turns back around to face forward. “She has to stop holding a grudge, she’s never gonna let this go” she says to James “She has to see me for who I am and that I made a mistake that I’m trying to fix or else-” “Or else what?” “I don’t know!” “Would it kill you to just see things from my side? Maybe what I need is to have my feelings worthy of consideration, my feelings are worth something too that I’m worth more than how I’ve been treated” “It always comes back to this doesn’t it? That I cheated-” “No. It’s who you cheated with” I couldn’t help the sob that escaped “I’m just…I'm…I…” “Lucy, I’m so sorry” “You’re breaking my heart.”

•

Silence, all that is heard is the ticking of the clock on the wall in the big open office. We are both sitting on each side of the couch when suddenly I see James lean forward in his chair and close his notebook.

“I’m afraid our time is up.”

Lauren’s POV

I’ve been calling her for hours and she hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts. I’m really starting to get worried, what if she’s hurt? I’m getting ready to dial her number again when I hear the front door open.

“Luc, where have you been? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours!”

“Relax, my phone died. Where’s Ava?”

“It’s 11, she’s in bed after crying all night wondering where you were! She thought she was gonna spend the day with you.”

She rubs at her temple and sighs as she sits across from me at the table “I know, I’m sorry. I got out of the shoot late and my phones been dead since this afternoon.”

“You look exhausted, where have you been Lucy?” I ask

“I was in a meeting with…Allison” she says

“Allison? Our lawyer Allison?”

“Yeah, she’s gonna draw up some papers for us to look over.”

“No, Lucy. No please, we said we were going to work through this and…and we have been. We’ve been going to counseling and we’ve been communicating better. Luc, please don’t do this.” I’m basically begging her, this isn’t how I thought this day would end

“Lauren you’re unhappy. I’m unhappy, we’ve been walking around in circles tip toeing around each other so Ava doesn’t notice anything is wrong but she notices Lauren. She’s asked me if we’re ok. That’s not something a child should be worried about. We need to do what’s in the best interest of our daughter.”

“We’re the best for our daughter. We’re her parents, her mothers. We need to stay together.”

“That’s the problem Lauren, we’re acting like everything is the same but it’s not. We’re acting like we’re still a happily married couple but we’re not, we're…..it’s like…we're…just friends.”

Camila’s POV

“Lauren hasn’t contacted me in a few weeks, do you think she’s really done?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted Mila?” Mani asks

“Yeah sure I got what I wanted, I don’t know I guess maybe …I just thought she’d fight for me.”

"Think of it this way Walz now you aren’t tied down by anyone you can go to the Met Gala with an amazing date and have the best night of your life!” Dinah says from the kitchen and as she walks into the living room with the pizza we ordered and beer

“Well…yeah..”Mani says as she stuffs a slice of pizza in her mouth

“What?” I ask

“Huh?…. What?.. Nothing?” Mani says

I look towards Ally who is trying to chug a beer in order to not be asked anything “Ally?”

“Camila…it’s really not that big of a deal…it’s a huge event…tons of people…you may not even see her.”

"She’s going? And nobody thought to tell me till now?”

“Again, tons of people you may not even see them.” Mani reiterates

“Them? She’s still with her?”

“Mila, they’re married. She’s trying to fix her marriage.” Ally says as she makes her way towards me and rubs soothing circles on my back as I’m letting her words sink in

“She chose her again….but I don’t think I’m ready to let her go.”

——-later that week at the Met Gala——-

The both of us got here just in time for the carpet to roll out. My date was non other than the beautiful actress Maia Mitchell. We walk the carpet together and head over to the interview side of the carpet separately.

“Camila, you look gorgeous how excited are you for tonight?” “Thank you! I’m very excited it’s a great event and we’re glad we were invited” “Can you tell me any secret inside scoop on the new song Lauren’s preforming tonight? We know you guys have collaborated in the studio not too long ago.” “Um” What? I think to myself, I knew Lauren was going to be here I didn’t know she was preforming. “Anything that comes from Lauren Jauregui is going to be amazing, so just be prepared!” I say which was more than satisfying for the interviewer.

I leave that section of the carpet and see some fans asking for pictures and autographs that I gladly make my way to.

“Hey sweetie” I see she has a ‘Camren’ phone case. These harmonizers never quit I laugh a little to myself “Camila do you think we could get a picture with you and Lauren?!” She asks and others hear and immediately agree “yeah please, can we get a Camren selfie!”

“That one might be up to Lauren guys” I giggle as I sign some posters and phone cases “What might be up to me?!” Her husky voice leaves me at a standstill, the crowd of fans go crazy with screams and hands and phone flying her way to get just a tiny glimpse of the Cuban goddess in front of them. It’s like this is all happening in slow motion for me, she turns to look at me and I decide to check her out shamelessly from top to bottom. She’s wearing a black skin tight dress with her hair in soft waves flowing down to her elbows, she’s let her hair grow again, I’ve always loved her long locks. “Um…uh, they…uh, they want a…” I stutter, I haven’t seen her in months and now here she is right in front of me. And she’s stunning.

“Can we get a group picture with the both of you Lauren pleaseeee” a fan asks bringing me back to reality

“Yeah of course babe, let’s do it!”

We both squeeze in with the group of fans and take a couple pictures. Paparazzi snapped a couple shots of us as well with the fans and some fans handed us their phones to get a different angle of the group as well. Overall I think it turned out great, when we were done security lead us to the end of the carpet and into backstage where we finally had a minute to ourselves.

“Thanks for that back there, the fans really enjoyed it.” I motioned behind us “Absolutely, it was fun.” She’s just looking at me now, ugh why is she so stunning “How have you been Camila?” She asks Camila? She hardly ever calls me that. “I’ve been good, ya know just writing a lot getting plenty of hours in the studio. You, how’s Ava?” “Great, I can’t wait to hear some of it, and she’s great thanks Ava and Lucy are keeping me pretty busy now a days with school, mommy daughter activities and also we’re getting ready to start planning her birthday” “Right! That’s in a few weeks right?” “Yes, June 7th. She wants to formally send out invitations so look out for yours” she says to me “Oh Lauren, its fine you don’t have to really with everything we’ve been through I wouldn’t want to impose.” “What do you mean? Of course you’re coming, your one of her favorite aunts. Listen no matter what happens between…us..I wouldn’t dream of keeping her away from you” “Thank you, that means a lot. And I don’t mean to pry and you definitely don’t have to tell me but…how are you and ..” I didn’t even have to finish she already knew what I was asking “We're….getting there again…we’re working on mending our relationship. It’s hard but…” I see her begin to struggle with her words so I cut her off “I’m sorry seriously don’t worry about it, I don’t need to know. I heard that you guys are trying to work it out and…I think it’s great, Lauren I really do. I’m happy for you, you know all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and …I just…” I started to get a little upset and I’m not sure why, we’re over. I initiated it for us to be over, so why am I feeling this way. She picked Lucy, she picked her wife again over me, shouldn’t that tell me something shouldn’t that deter me away from her. No, it doesn’t at all. It makes me want to point out to her how much we are meant to be together.But I don’t, I couldn’t do that to her, or her family. “I’m just happy that you are happy.” I end with “Thank you, that means a lot coming from you! I want the same things for you too, and we’re friends right?! We’re still gonna be around each other and our families and friends. I want you to experience everything that life has to offer with someone who is willing to put you first Camila.” She reaches out and we hug, no we don’t hug, we embrace each other almost as if it will be our last. Which in my mind it will be, things are going to change and honestly I’m not sure if I’m ready for that, but at the same time I have to be.

After we end our embrace and just take a second to look at each other, we get blindsided by flashing lights of the cameras and then not a second later Dinah,Ally, and Mani pull us into a group hug while we make our way deeper into backstage where the five of us are together in Lauren’s dressing room. “Are we all good?” Dinah asks looking at both Lauren and I “Yes” I say smiling as I’m looking at Laur and then around the rest of our circle of friends “We’re all good, we’re all healthy, and happy,and we’ve got nothing but good vibes.” I turn to Lauren “We’re really excited about your performance tonight thanks for even telling us” I playfully nudge her arm as do the other girls “but we’re really proud of you and can’t wait to hear it!” “It was meant to be a surprise but thank you guys!” She says bashfully

We all finish up our little pep talk with her and then as we are leaving her I notice Lucy walk in and I felt compelled to speak to her even if for a little bit. We haven’t had any contact what so ever since the barbecue and that’s when Lauren and I started…whatever. So hopefully she sees my attempt at talking to her as a way to make amends and not to cause anymore damage than I’ve already have.

“Lucy” I say “Yeah?” She responds “Listen I just want to say how sorry I am for everything that I’ve caused between you and Lauren and…everything. I want you to know we’ve stopped everything we’re just friends I don’t have any intentions and those were never my intentions to hurt you. I’m so sorry Lucy.” “You did cause a lot of issues in my marriage, but I appreciate you apologizing I really do.” She pauses for a second and just looks at Lauren, with nothing but adoration, passion, and mostly love. Love is all I see when she looks at her. I know because….because I look at her the same way. “Lauren wants you to be apart of her life, a part of our lives. Mine and Ava’s as a friend, aunt. I’m going to trust her because she means the world to me and she’s my family, she’s my everything.” She turns back to look at me “please don’t make me regret this Camila.”

She looks at me as if she’s begging me, begging me to not take the love of her life away. We both are in love with the same woman but the truth is Lauren’s only in love with one of us and it’s clear to me which one of us that is.

“No, I won’t it’s clear that she’s happy. You make her happy, and that’s all I ever really wanted for Lauren.” I say back to Lucy trying to give her all the reassurance I can.

“Thank you Camila.” She sends a smile my way. As I’m getting ready to leave I notice Dinah and Lauren are having a similar intimate conversation.

Lauren’s POV

“Lo, I’m so proud of you for this. For stepping up in your relationship. For being a great mother. For being an amazing person. I’m so proud of you.” Dinah says as she embraces me in a tight squeeze

“D, thank you. I’m happy” I say with a genuine smile and only one girl on my mind “I’m really happy and I’m glad we’re all here and that everyone is on board”

"Honestly I have no idea what song you’re preforming in a bit but if it’s anything like what you’ve been writing lately, it’ll be amazing!” She gushed “Sooo which one is it?!?”

"Dinah! It’s suppose to be a surprise!” I giggle as she’s still egging on for a song title. I look around to make sure nobody else is listening and then that’s when I catch Lucy looking at me and we share a loving stare and I feel I fall every time I see her. “How Would You Feel” I say as I turn back to Dinah

“Ahhhhh” she starts jumping up and down “That’s such a dope song!!! She’s gonna love it girl! Good luck out there!” Dinah gives me one last hug before she makes her exit from my dressing room.

As I watch Dinah leave I notice Lucy and Camila are talking. Those two girls were my world for as long as I can remember, but for as long as I can remember there’s always been one that’s made my heart beat a bit quicker and the butterflies in my stomach flutter for a bit longer. She’s the person who I’ve spent years confiding in, venting to, and loving. She’s been my rock for this crazy journey I call my life. She’s seen me through the highs and lows, when I’ve felt like I’m on top of the world and when I’ve felt like it’s all crumbling down. She’s been by my side through all of it.

– “Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for Lauren Jauregui!”

The stage opens and the solo spotlight slowly brightens up for myself and the black piano to come into view of the audience.

You are the one, girl And you know that it’s true I’m feeling younger every time that I’m alone with you We were sitting in a parked car Stealing kisses in the front yard We got questions we should not ask

But how would you feel If I told you loved you? It’s just something I want to do I’d be taking my time Spending my life falling deeper in love with you So tell me that you love me too

In the summer As the lilacs bloom Blood flows deeper than a river Every moment that I spend with you We were sat upon our best friends roof I had both of my arms ‘round you Watching the sunrise replace the moon

How would you feel If I told you I loved you? It’s just something that I want to do I’d be taking my time Spending my life falling deeper in love with you So tell me that you love me too

We were sitting in a parked car Stealing kisses in the front yard We got questions we should not ask

How would you feel If I told you loved you? It’s just something I want to do I’d be taking my time Spending my life falling deeper in love with you So tell me that you love me too Tell me that you love me too Tell me that you love me too

I take my earpiece out and blink to adjust to the spotlight on me and I see the full arena on their feet. I’m amazed and overjoyed, and the first persons eyes that I connect with are Camila’s, I smile at her then direct my vision to my wife who has tears glowing in her brown orbs. I wrote the song for her, in a time where I wasn’t sure if our relationship was something that could be fixed but I was sure of my feelings for her. I still am sure of my feelings for her, for my wife. I love her. I quickly wave to the crowd and then exit the stage to head to the dressing room and then enjoy the rest of the event. Leaving the stage and entering backstage I’m welcomed with applause and ‘congratulations ‘ which I gladly accept and thank, once inside my dressing room I’m waiting on my girl to come in and congratulate me personally-

“Lauren that was amazing!” I hear coming from the girl who just entered my room, though it’s not the voice I was expecting. “Camila? Thank you, um..sorry I wasn’t expecting you.” I say and she can hear the surprise evident in my voice. “I’m sorry I know, but…I just have to ask…um…that song…it was is beautiful.” She says and I’m about to answer because I know exactly what she’s trying to ask until my dressing room door opens again.

“Lauren, Lucy is being held up by some interviewers but she’s asking for you.” Jen my manager comes in and tells me. “I’ll be right out, thanks.” I say and then look back to Camila I’m about to answer her when she seemingly wants to take everything she said back “You know what, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have. You did amazing, great job. I’ll see you out there ok?” She says as she try’s to leave “ Camila, wait what are you trying to say?” She’s making no sense right now. “ Nothing, really I just wanted to congratulate you….it’s an amazing song…Lucy is really lucky to have you” is the last thing she says before she leaves. Once again when I feel like everything is going well and we’re on the same page, she comes and says things like that then just leaves. I don’t have much of a chance to think about it too much, knowing that Lucy is waiting for me I quickly change and make my way out to the event and find my wife.

I’ve made my way back to our table to enjoy the rest of the Met Gala evening, I’m at our table but don’t see Lucy and just end up catching up and thanking the other guests that are sat at our table, I pick up my champagne flute and take a sip of the strawberry champagne when I suddenly feel arms wrap around me from behind and someone whisper in my ear.

“I love you” I know that voice and a smile instantly graces my face. I get up and instantly wrap the women in my arms, almost as if we’re the only ones in the room and this moment is just ours. I tell her I love her too and she captures my lips in a searing kiss. We get a little lost until we hear a couple whistles and applause which makes Lucy giggle disconnecting our lips and ducking to hide her blush in my neck.

“Are you ready to go home?” I say to her after a little while into the event, she leans into me and just nods. We say our goodbyes to friends and guest on our way out. Once in our car we naturally cuddle each other in the backseat. “Luc, what did you think of the song?” I ask “It was amazing babe, really it was! I know you’ve been writing a lot but this song was absolutely beautiful!” She leans up and pecks my lips. “Well, I have a surprise for you once we get home” I say while playing with her fingers that are interlocked with mine and also absentmindedly playing with her wedding ring “You do!?!” She asks surprised knowing that we’re very close to home like literally less than five minutes. “Yes, really” I giggle “So I’m going to blindfold you ok” I say as I bring out a red blindfold and she nods happily and turns around so I can cover her eyes which she’s already closed. I secure the blindfold and then turn her around and see she has a dopey grin on her face and she starts giggling unable to hold in her excitement.

I love this girl, I think to myself. I kiss her lips “So you remember awhile ago…when you mentioned…when you mentioned that we were acting like just friends” I say as I lead her out of the car and through our house into our backyard. Lucy is blindfolded but I see her face falter at the less than happy memory of when we were in a bad place in our relationship. “Laur-” I gently pull off the blindfold and kiss her again “I’m not trying to bring up any bad memories but I’m trying to make a point, you remember that right?” I say “yes” she whispers. “Well, we’re not. We’re not friends.” My wife’s beautiful face shows confusion, I smile and just kiss her again and silently lead her to the chair in the backyard and sit her down. Directly across from her I had set up another chair with my guitar next to it. I take my place across from her and and pick up my guitar.

We’re not, no we’re not friends Nor have we ever been We just try to keep those secrets in a lie If they find out, will it all go wrong And heaven knows, no one wants it to So I could take the back road But your eyes will lead me straight back home And if you know me Like I know you You should love me You should know

Friends just sleep in another bed And friends don’t treat me like you do Well I know that there’s a limit to everything But my friends won’t love me like you No, my friends won’t love me like you

We’re not friends We could be anything if we tried To keep those secrets safe No one will find out If it all went wrong They’ll never know What we’ve been through So I can take the back road But your eyes will lead me straight back home And if you know me Like I know you You should love me You should know

Friends just sleep in another bed And friends don’t treat me like you do And I know that there’s a limit to everything But my friends won’t love me like you No, my friends won’t love me like you

But then again If we’re not friends Someone else might love you too Then again, if we’re not friends There’d be nothing I could do And that’s why friends should sleep in other beds And friends shouldn’t kiss me like you do And I know that there’s a limit to everything But my friends won’t love me like you No, my friends won’t love me like you do No, my friends will never love me like you

Once I finish the song I noticed that Lucy is kneeled down in front of me and wipes at my tears and I do the same for her. I put my guitar down and Lucy makes herself comfortable on my lap straddling me and just hugs me. We stay like that for awhile before she pulls away to just lock her hands at the back of my neck and mine around her waist and we kiss with such passion, I can see myself being this happy for the rest of my life her Lucy, my person, my best friend, my partner in crime, my wife, my everything.

“We’re not just friends” Lucy says and then giggles as she leans in again “I love you.”

A/N: I’m a fan of Greys Anatomy if y'all couldn’t tell 🙊. Ok so how are we feeling? One more part which I’m thinking will me a time hop so maybe a few years or so later on….just a thought, let me know what y'all think. Yeah?

#UPDATE #series #camren #laurmani #normila #requested #based on song #humour #romance fluff #submission #I Needed You

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