#can i like stop hurting my own feelings

[p1x1x]

me pushing myself further with my art drawing really cool perspectives and whatever with the Duo and then i turn around and make lame cutesy ship art waaahhah 😭😭😭

dont read the tags on this if you havent watched gbc i just ramble spoilers 😭 just uhh screaming yknow. mostly mmnn but i like the other characters i swear its just these guys are making me insane

#UGGGGGGGHhhH the duo ever rn… #theyre jsut. so important to each other #supporting each other in their honest expression #FLIP OFF THE WORLD #and i mentioned once on twitter about how real mmk’s fear was #music is everything to her… so for those songs she wrote of her own expression to not be accepted or seen as successful.. #yeah that Hurts #i totally get the feeling of wanting to quit… bc why would you want to be hurt that way… #OUUGGGH music (art in general) being able to leave a mark on people…! it can change people…! dont stop making art…!!!!! #but then there’s the side of me that sees all those moments and be like Hell yeah thats some romantic shit… wooo codependency yuri… #going into romantic ship mode #ouggggh but theres also the slightly messed up fact that mmk saw nn less as nn and more as her own past self #and how mmk was not really guiding nn the person so much as she was trying to fulfill her dream through nn #(ok my wording might get confusing but im RAMBLING OKAY) #GOD NN’S VA AND LINES WERE SOOOOO GOOD #mmk stuck in trying to amend her past…! but nn pulls her back to the present #back to reality and shows her that she can still fulfill that dream that desire…! #you saved me with that song its that important and i love it so i love you who laid bare your feelings #UGH THE TRUCK SCENE THAT THAT THAT UUUUGGGGHHFHH #she loves the real mmk…! #god what was i saying with codependency yuri earlier…? #oh right nn only being able to keep going now bc of mmk #hhhhhhhhh #and well. mmk having her happiness depend on keeping nn going (bc of yeah. seeing her past self in her…) #but the confession makes mmk realize what she was doing #(yet still good stuff for codependency yuri) #ok im shutting the fuck up now 😭

[polaroid-petals]

Sometimes my thoughts drift into how lonesome and terribly bored Omori must've felt in those four years waiting in a blank room, my heart starts hurting, and I gotta back out again

#like one of the main reasons he became my second fav character is exactly the inherent tragedy of his character #and what he might feel once he is abandoned #at the end of the day his job is to protect sunny and his whole life revolves around him and yet he is so rarely there with him #and then he ends up rejected #and even though their relation ends with a hug i can't stop thinking about what omori must have felt during and after his defeat #and how the rejection of his life purpose AND his beloved dreamer must have hurt #come here babyboy i'll give you a hug and make sunny realise you're a part of him he can't just discard #polaroid posts #i can and will humanise omori #people who say he's just a figment of the imagination that can't feel have never had ocs who live their own lives in their head #yes i did see art of omori lying on his back in whitespace looking bored and got emotional how did you guess

[mr-stottlemonk]

made a timeline for monk tv for the folks cause it makes no sense sometimes.

[more in the tags]

[update: stottlemeyer's timeline found here]

#tried my best #math really churned itself out here #fic writing resources ahoy #feel free to use <3 #monk 2002 #monk 2002 timeline #this only counts adrian's age #i got tired of plotting a fic and going “errr wait when does this happen and does this thing im mentioning fit with this period of time???” #esp now that im going crazy about pre-series monk ideas #monk wiki says stottlemeyer is 17 YEARS OLDER THAN MONK #im just??? wot??? #how can... that makes no sense. how can stottlemeyer be 81 and the head of security for some rich ass guy in mr. monk's last case? it dont #add up at all. ive always headcanoned that stottlemeyer is like 6-9 years older than monk #what were the writers thinking these ages are wacky #trudy is 4 years younger than monk too. #if we follow how she died when she was 34 #and theyd been married for 7 years... that makes her 27 but like. they met in uni. what age were they then??? #monk def had to be 23-24 when he met trudy. which makes her 20 :“) #its whack man. making sense of this makes my head hurt #anyway im here to stop all that suffering #here we go #A BETTER TIMELINE #ill update with stottlemeyer's own age timeline soon :>

[uncanny-tranny]

I think the thing about the way people conceptualize empathy is... when you're interacting with other people, they are going through things that, which you may empathize with, you won't always understand, partially because you're two different people, but also because not all situations are 1:1 copy-pastes that are easy to understand.

This isn't saying that empathy is useless, but that acknowledging when you relate personally to somebody and yet also recognizing that this is their struggle is important. When people pretended to empathize with me, it made me feel like I was being placated to. I felt like people were only trying to shut me up by saying that they, personally, "get it," when I knew they didn't. I just don't want people replicating that because they genuinely do want to help the people in their lives.

#empathy #mental health #that's why i stopped talking to my dad for YEARS before he went on his own effort to learn about this sort of stuff #it just sucks to be treated as badly as you're feeling basically #and this doesn't even get into the idea that empathy isn't a requirement in human interaction for every little thing #empathy is as much a tool as any other experience can be - and like any tool you can use it in hurtful ways... #...even if you didn't mean to use that tool in that way #a friend of mine is going through Some Shit that i know from personal experience SUCKS ASS... #...but also. they're going through it in different circumstances and at a different time than me and that means it's a DIFFERENT SITUATION. #...so yes i know the heartache and the anger and the loss of will and all of that... #...but i don't know what it's like to go through it like they are and that is FINE #it's just frusterating seeing people act like empathy is going to fix the other person without any work being put into it #it's the fantasy of doing a lot with such little effort

[bunnihearted]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[mazzy-rockstar]

Monday blues are hitting me hard today

#you can ignore this if you want cause im gonna talk a lot of shit and sads and feelings #but as i’ve realised i literally have no one to empty my heart out to irl #and it’s fucking heartbreaking cause i love my friends but I don’t think they love me back #which is an insane though but I genuinely think it’s true like #i moved away 4 ish months ago and i know that communication comes from both side but like i wanted to test smt #so i stopped texting first and guess what?? only 2 friends texted me #1 because she’s genuinely a good friend i think and the other because she needed money (which i gave her like a fucking fool) #my heart just hurts cause i realised i’m not as important to them as they are to me and I’m completely misreading our relationship and #it sucks because I thought they were going to be my friends for life but now they’re all posting recaps of 2023 and im in none of their pics #even in pics where i was present at the time #and i dont know if it’s intentional or if im just being an insecure little bitch but it fucking hurts #i just want to be important to someone #i want to be someone’s person #not a last resort like #they keep doing stuff together which i get like life moves on and i’m the one that left #but not a single text or a pic or a ‘we miss you!’ #not even a fucking heart on insta stories #am i being desperate?? or do I actually have shitty friends #like i have impostor syndrome in my own fucking friendgroup??? #I can’t just drop them either cause then I’ll actually have no one #idk i must exude some sort of energy #i dont think ive ever had a genuine good best friend like for some reason they leave after 3 years #(and this is why i have trust issues and attachment disorders) #anyway I’ll probably just suck it up and go about my day #ive lived 24 years like this what’s an entire life #it’s wild cause i have a good time whenever i’m with them (i think) and then i leave and it’s crickets #i feel like hired entertainment sometimes #idk my head hurts so I’m probably overthinking but like these feelings come from somewhere right? #i have to stop

[mattodore]

"I don’t actually think Theo has any offensive preferences, because he’s not really a fighter. That human instinct to fight back was trained out of him very young… so."

#cw abuse mention #cw child abuse mention #<- mentioned in the tags. i'm adding these cws bc i talk bluntly abt this in the tags so definitely don't look if it's triggering... #river dipping #questionnaire lb #AND FUCK YOU ACTUALLY ! #BANGING MY HEADI NTO A WALL................ THIS IS ONLY QUESTION 71.......................................... #I JUST . GRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #feeling sick already lord why am i doing this actually.......... #i feel so insane but it's like. theo just can't let himself fight back. he can't do it. #it's like...... it's not even about ''i can't do this it'll just make it worse'' to him. like that was how his brain processed it as a kid #like that's what he was taught then. but now as an adult it's about him feeling like he deserves it... like it's his fault. #i think he needs that sense of... control? as well. like if he's being hurt well. he should've prevented it beforehand. #obviously this is only happening because he did something to cause it and it'll stop if he just doesn't do that thing again. #if it's just. if it's not his fault then that makes him feel helpless. if he couldn't stop it - if it was always going to happen regardless #of what he did - then. jesus. like it just fucks with his head even thinking that. it petrifies him. #it's safer in his head to think okay. obviously i've created this situation somehow so i had that control over it and now i can prevent it. #but jesus theo............... you can't. #and then theo does these things almost... almost to prove that. to prove that he's always been in control of his own abuse. #where he uses and then he finds these hook-ups that aren't safe for him or these sketchy ppl and he shoots off at the mouth and. then. #when he gets hurt it's like. he feels vindicated. i caused this. this is my fault. it's always been my fault. #his recklessness is entirely because he just wants to prove it. he just wants to have that. it's... christ. #it's the only thing he feels like he has control over in his life. the violence he faces... it's his. in that way. #and it's one of the only aspects of his life he doesn't feel helpless in. not anymore. not since he was a teenager. #god. #and when he does finally let it out at one point. when he does finally fight back again. it just...... #it tears him up inside. it's one of the parts of the story i'm the most horrified about having to write #just because i know what it does to him. and how it all just spins out of control after. like it ruins everything for him. #christ. #what else is there to say.

[whorejolras]

am i the only one who thinks celebrating pride month in the middle of an ongoing genocide is a bit................... 😒

#selfish? #obtuse? #disconnected? #fr i actuallt don't want to see the 'im too scawed and anxious and my precious feelings hurt too much to go to any irl action or protest or #rally or write letters or phone calls to government or boycott divest or sanction or stand up for so called beliefs and actually it's #ableism to say i should' crowd posting photos at pride parades where fucking cops are marching having fun and not protesting anything. #i don't wanna fuckinf see it. if you can't leave your house for your beliefs for justice for liberation then why do you think you can for #so called pride? pride in what? your cowerdace? ain't nothing queer about that babe. #i'm physically disabled and i'm there every week. i'm mentally disabled and exhausted and burnt out and traumatised and i'm there every week #if you can't even go to a single like green-level protected rally to show support in numbers. not even once when they're every week #then get out of here with that i can't wait to march in the pride parade bullshit and grow a spine #anyway no pride in genocide no cops at pride and no fucking cowardly queers who put their own comfort before LITERALLY STOPPING A GENOCIDE #as is every international citizen of the worlds fucking duty. ur duty to humanity called and said ur a failure :/

[martyrbat]

when people who have ‘i block liberally’ in their bios learn they actually have to block people & cultivate their own dash:

#‘i hate seeing your posts reced to me’ block me!!! #‘omg how can you say jason is ugly kys’ block me!!!! #‘youre not funny’ block me!!!! #even in other contexts. if you dont like seeing fanon shit block those tags/people that post it and find your own mutual circle #that posts what you enjoy instead of going to other ppls accounts and telling them theyre wrong #if you enjoy fanon and not the more canon shit then block people you dont want to see the posts of/those tags & find the community you seek #like. you GOTTA learn to just block people and stop bitching and whining!!!! youre responsible for your online experience!!!! #you can complain. its your account do whatever idc. but it doesn't fucking matter if someone else is posting in ways you dont like #sorry for being slightly salty but god people on this site need to grow the fuck up and learn they're not the center of universe #and ppl dont have to cater to their judgement of whats the appropriate way to enjoy a character or story #i get annoyed at some fanon shit so what i do is i dont follow people that post a lot of that. easy. #i love bruce so i have bruce neg blocked and if someone is constantly shitting on him?? i just unfollow because it doesn't fuckin matter. #like !!!!!! it doesn't fucking matter !!!!! leave people alone and leave me alone !!!!!!! #anyways. not to be vague but anons are off again 👍 #also if any of you hurt my mutuals feelings i will block without a hesitation lmao 👍👍 #ransom note

[piplupod]

why do counsellors think it's helpful to tell you "you shouldn't feel that way!" when you tell them something like "I am so stressed about spiders to the point where i have crying breakdowns thrice a week" or "I feel like I am somehow secretly a terrible person that needs to push everyone away to keep them safe from the rot that is inside of me"

like ... golly gee, thank you so much, that's soooo helpful, can't believe i never thought "wow! i shouldn't be feeling this way!" before, pretty crazy that you can just cure me with that one declaration!

#GIRL IF I KNEW HOW TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY I WOULD BE FINE !!! I WOULDNT BE TALKIN ABOUT IT WITH YOU #like okay yes. that is a good STARTING statement. but can u give me... something actionable perhaps. please. #instead of essentially just shaming me for my feelings hsdgjkl #i KNOW these feelings and thoughts are ''wrong'' and unhelpful and unhealthy and hurting me. but like... what do i DO with them... #''i feel like a bad person'' ''well you arent so you shouldnt feel that way :)'' ''....okay great thanks so much see you next week'' ????? #such wise words from a trained professional! /sarcasm #idk man i think that my stories and characters have been far more helpful in therapizing me than actual trained professionals ever have #these ppl do not know what to do with me it seems like #i get so frustrated every time i hear ''you're so self aware!'' bc that seems to be therapist language for ''idk what to do for you'' #or ''i can't help you. you are beyond my capabilities as a trained mental health professional who went to school for years'' #im TIRED. im so tired !!! #anyways im just dreading my appt later today fdjgkl i like this lady more than the last one but she hasn't been very helpful so far #starting to resign myself to the fact that maybe i am just too fucked up to be helped fdsjkl like man. im just stuck this way i guess #unless i can figure out how to fix me on my own then i think im just fucked #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[2pookie]

not so sure how to feel about the "this burden is not yours to bear alone" and the "sh/oto is our h/ero" moments...

#delete later / #first of? it IS his burden to bear alone immho. everybody is hurt (traumatised) and everybody feels like they failed #because YOU rotted this family. YOU poisoned it. YOU wrecked it from inside out. YOU alone abused them. #my visceral reaction to that line was 'don't piss me off now' because dear god... this was a one man's hit. imo! #everybody else's reactions behaviors etc etc were in response to what he put them through #of course! some things are entirely theirs to bear and own up to. but everybody was subjected to his blinding greed #i may get sh/ot for this but the impression i have so far is that t/oya was the one he cared for the most #insane statement. will rewatch it / read it and analyze it all and come back to my current impressions tbh #and now the whole 'sh/oto is our hero'............. #it can be summarized into 1. he is a 16 y/o kid. it's long overdue to stop placing the entire weight of the family #on his shoulders. and 2. i think it feeds and plays into the isolation sh/oto suffered that wrecked them all #+ the vicious cycle of it all + it's still the 'sh/oto vs everyone' mentality idk... what are ur takes on this? #did nawt mean to rant this badly on the tags btw 😭😭

[mariatesstruther]

thinking about the millers tying maria’s snow boots for her when she gets too pregnant to reach her laces 😭🫶🏾

#pregnancy pass #she just holds her foot our to joel with her loose shoes like 🦶🏾🥾 can u help me #**out sorry #hes like sure thing darlin #it reminds him of tying sarah’s shoes for her when she was too young to know how #okay i gotta stop now im hurting my own feelings #joel and maria best friend agenda #the millers #maria miller #joel miller #tommy miller #ellie williams #ellie would roll her eyes SO hard but lowkey gets salty when shes around and maria doesnt ask her #tommy loves doing it ofc bc he gets to kiss the tummy #the tipsy bison #tlou #tlou headcanons #tlou hbo #tlou hc

[lith-myathar]

.

#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior #ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing #but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day #i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else #and i didn't feel it happening #my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise #i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes #this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care. #eventually and inevitably i do damage. #and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better #not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that. #trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really #really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect #but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that. #but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated. #all i can ever think to do is isolate #*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist #or adjust my medication. god. im so tired. #why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then

[anaalnathrakhs]

it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.

mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.

#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD. #EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY #OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH #i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion'' #they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them #so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child #they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table #just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase #i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either? #i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them. #i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to. #but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset #quiet at home #and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places #and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway? #keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine? #try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened? #i dont know how to live like a normal person #literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X. #go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book. #because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped. #everything hurts holy shit #broadcasting my misery #vent #ed tw

[peppermintmochafem]

.

#Um she told me she's in love with me and if anything happens to know I'm hot and she wants me #And then went into a lot of detail just repeating over and over the things she wants / fantasies about me incoherently #Which I'm sure means nothing right #I know this is complicated for her she hates being attracted to me but it is hard to have her be like this is bad when she says she wants m #I don't know what to do #personal #tbdeleted #Triggering for me yikes #messy messy messy #Honestly think she is just grieving so its latching onto me as a woman she can love in a safe way #And I am glad I can be that I guess like obviously she needs that and I want to keep her safe #But I know I can't and she even said it #Like I know she will go home and then be gone forever #I think I am already grieving her in a way #And she has hurt many people I love dearly #Hurt them in deeply upsetting triggering ways that aren't okay and don't make me feel safe #She really lacks understanding of consent and that hurts people but I know she does want me and i think if I tried to stop her I could #I shouldn't be in situations where I am unsure of that though but at the same time it's like if something happens it happens #Idk how much of this is my own issues and thinking I'm not deserving of safe respectful sex and intimacy and my own guilt for everything #And how much of it is her own issues and guilt and grief #But I know I can be safe and loving for her #And I do know there is genuine love there no matter what other factors there are #Anyways sorry if you read all that I am giving you the biggest forehead kisses #I just think about how different it might have been if I had *** **** *** ** *** *** ****** ** ***** #I thought I couldn't cope if I had but how can I cope that I didnt #I should have *** *** *** when I could have #This is unrelated but its all tangled up and it's just been bad trauma day already #If I had **** * ****** **** if I had *** *** if I had **** ***** or #Anyways **** ***** ****** **

[running-in-the-dark]

sooooo

I'm 32 now

when can I expect to finally grow out of getting obsessed with men people stuff? I'm waiting....

#I doooo not want it #it's embarrassing #can it stop please #BUT also can I not feel depressed and like an empty shell when it's not happening #I mean I can handle it when it's things. hobbies. shows. whatever #sure it usually ends up being expensive as fuck but #at least I don't go around humiliating myself by talking about nothing but a random guy for months on end #how embarrassing! I think a man is hot! I must jump off a cliff immediately #but whyyyy can't I be normal about it at least #other people get obsessed with normal things! like. idk. anything else #soo anyway the opening narration for the texas chainsaw massacre is great isn't it? he did such a good job :) what a nice voice :) I am not #going to be weird about this man any longer :) no I won't! I'm normal about him! I don't want to bite him or chew on his face or anything #like that. just normal things. uh. sex? that's what people usually want. yeah fine that. I mean I do. want. oh I think I'm doing it again #haha no it's fine I just think he's neat (he's the only person on earth no one else exists anymore he's so beautiful oh my god have you seen #his little face he looks like a cute little potato I've never seen anything prettier in my life haha I need to run my hands through his hair #and have you seen how tall he is and he's so cute and I need to. be taken outside and shot. god. #I keep. shrieking. every time I see him. at such a high frequency that it hurts my own fucking ears. because. I can't believe that he exists #I'm. so. stupid!!!! #annnd repeat this every time this happens blah blah blah i should jsut delete this blog right now oh my GOD.