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#*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist
lith-myathar
·
6 months
Text
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#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior
#ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing
#but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day
#i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else
#and i didn't feel it happening
#my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise
#i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes
#this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care.
#eventually and inevitably i do damage.
#and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better
#not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that.
#trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really
#really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect
#but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that.
#but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated.
#all i can ever think to do is isolate
#*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist
#or adjust my medication. god. im so tired.
#why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then
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