#but really it's fine whatever you do. but my sister is convinced that most ppl keep their eyes open and i just. do not agree w/ her

[angelsdean]

#*i* close my eyes #my sister thinks this is weird ? #while she keeps her eyes open. which i think is creepy sdjkfgk like girl why #but really it's fine whatever you do. but my sister is convinced that most ppl keep their eyes open and i just. do not agree w/ her #so. i will let the public speak #polls #mypolls

[acourtofthought]

lol I was skimming through your blog and I saw ppl love to say elain is uncomfortable around lucien I once had this argument with someone and I asked them "why hasn't she break the mating bond?" and they instantly shut down lol

like come on girl if she was THAT uncomfortable wouldn't she asked feyre if there was a way to end whatever it was with him and set herself free and choose azriel? she had 2 years to think about it and it apparently hasn't accrued to her once...

and my bigger question is why Azriel hasn't ask himself that? ah right... he hasn't think beyond the fantasy of her in his bedroom so he dosen't really care if she's mated or not bc his brothers are mated to her sisters and lucien of all people is mated with her, now how fair is that? very romantic...

honestly it's really that simple... yall just need to think a little and stop being blind and delulu lmao

I think it's probably accurate to say Elain IS uncomfortable when Lucien is around.

But.......so what, right? 😂

Feyre was terrified of Rhys when she first met him.

Nesta made Cassian feel like he was worthless when she first met him, snorting and looking away as if he was nothing then told him on multiple occasions to leave her the hell alone.

So yes, Elain is uncomfortable but there are many possible reasons that could be causing that besides the "she has no interest in him and will never have interest in him" argument.

I am the absolute worst around people I'm really attracted to. Like, "can't make eye contact and have no idea what to say" awkward and uncomfortable.

Elain might not want a mate or a male because she's trying to convince herself it's the truth all the while being frustrated that she's extremely drawn to Lucien.

Elain's "newfound boldness" might disappear around Lucien because he can see right through that "newfound boldness" to realize she's fooling herself and those around her, that she's not as happy and fine in the NC as she's putting out there.

Everyone expects Elain to make friends and be optimistic because that's who she's always been but what happens when if it's not working? She wouldn't want to let others down when they have certain expectations of her so she's showing them what they want to see. Maybe she's trying to fake it until she makes it herself.

But a mate KNOWS things and can most likely sense that she's full of shit. That would make me lose my "newfound boldness" too. Knowing someone has a front row seat to my soul and they can see act I'm putting on.

Until we are at the end of Elain's book (considering Nesta STILL couldn't admit her feelings for Cassian until 3/4 of the way through), no one can say for certain that Elain's reaction to Lucien isn't a result of the intense emotions and pull she has to him, that it's something she's fighting having to admit because it's scary.

Like you said, why string the poor man along for nearly two years if she's really not interested? Why keep accepting his gifts? Why not beg Feyre to not invite him to Solstice? And why haven't Az or Elain made any plans on what they'll say to Lucien if they do in fact have feelings for one another? If Elain has no interest in him then why is Rhys telling Az to back off? Why does Nesta call her a wretch for not sitting near him? Why does Cassian feel bad for the longing on Lucien's face? Why did Feyre tell Elain to get to know Lucien? Why did Feyre encourage Lucien to spend more time with Elain? Considering these are Az's people, why are they all on board the Elucien train?

Elain and Az not ending up together is a blip in their journey's. They had a year where they tossed around the idea of something (all the while Az was also tossing around the idea of wishing Mor wanted him). But they can move on and it really doesn't affect anyone to any real degree, not even themselves. If Az can get over his 500 + year old love for Mor within the span of a book then getting over a 1 year long crush should take him 1/500th of that time.

Elain and Lucien not ending up together impacts their entire lives. It impacts the lives of whoever they end up with (that person always knowing that their SO has a unique bond with someone else, a super special connection that only mates share). It's not something, as Rhys tells us, that will ever completely go away.

#elucien #elucien bond #anti e/riel

[hyper-homo-reblogs]

i am so tired and also posting this on my rb account because i don't want anyone who isn't like. following following me to see it

rant/vent? under the cut? idk im just. rambling. about how i may to may not be neurodivergent. im trying to figure stuff out and im hoping that if i put it here i can maybe clear my head a bit.

im. like 90% sure i have social anxiety. that's a given though ig. most people prolly dont feel their hearts start to actually hurt when going somewhere by urself with ppl you dont know. and um. im scared of talking to people. like irrationally terrified. and it may be a consequence of me being at home all the time but honestly idk.

i think i may have adhd. i dont have a comprehensive list of everything that i do that i think is a part of adhd behaviour but. everytime i see someone mention something that is supposedly a symptom of adhd im like hey! i do that! and im starting to think its not a coincidence anymore?

BUT at the same time i feel like im. idk trying to convince myself. for some reason. like maybe im not, maybe im just connecting dots that aren't really there, maybe im trying to fool myself into thinking that im different. it doesn't help that i don't really have a reason to care about whether or not im neurodivergent. im doing fine, and im not struggling at all, so does it even matter?

idk. idk if it even matters if it should matter. does that make sense? like maybe if i want to know, then that's reason enough for me to start questioning things. but is that a valid reason to essentially self diagnose? i feel like maybe im undermining somebody else's experiences by just. saying that i might have adhd.

anyways. i think i have the inattentive type of adhd. i don't get hyperactive very often (ironic, considering my user and the general tone that i present myself with here). a lot of my symptoms match up with the inattentive type of adhd. pretty much every website lists the same things (lack of attention to detail, trouble staying focused, frequent spiciness, difficulty following instructions, being easily distracted, forgetfulness, etc) and i always feel like. yeah everyone does that. i always do that. are you sure that that's an adhd thing. it feels obvious!!! but it isn't!!! so maybe i do have it!!! maybe!!!

its. ive also started questioning if my fam is neurodivergent too. just because a lot of the stuff associate with them doesn't seem to be neurotypical. and again im stuck with the issue of like. is that fine to do? to question if they are or aren't neurotypical? because. i think my mom has the hyperactive type of adhd. or maybe both. and my dad may be on the autism spectrum. and my sister may be as well. but it feels bad to write that down!! i don't think it should feel bad to write but it does!! because what if i don't actually know them!! what if my brain is lying to me!! i don't know anymore!!

one of the top 10 things my mom likes to say is that we don't think like each other. my mom and my dad don't think the same. me and my sister don't think the same. me and my mom don't think the same. and it rlly rlly shows, in how we communicate and how we argue. and it is genuinely so frustrating sometimes. but NOBODY thinks the same, right? because its all. a result of circumstance. or whatever. and nobody's BRAINS works the same. but isn't that the point?? of the distinction between neurotypical and neurodivergent people?? are we all neurodivergent?? are only some of us?? are none of us?? I HAVE NO IDEA

okay. rant over. im. still tired. and still havent figured anything out but maybe ill come back to this later.

#dont mind this. or do. #any of my neurodivergent moots. who r following this acc. i need to know how you guys think #;-;

[haikyuu-sickfics]

Hello!If your doing requests can you make a very sick Kunimi with a stomach bug? And Oikawa and iwasumi find out… Hope your well! Dont do this if you dont want to!

(Its sad how much ppl dont write about kunimi)

cont.Hey I'm that anon that asked you for a kunimi sickfic and I forgot to add that ,, outside it was raining very heavily and it wasnt safe to go out so they had to stay in the gym for 1 hour .. Vomit Warning! Akira should've taken the ominous swirling that morning- both in the grey clouds and his stomach- as a sign.

But alas, he did not.

Instead he ignored both bad omens, walking to school as usual and attending all classes before changing clothes in the gym and half-assing practice.

The coaches paid him no mind. They were- begrudgingly- used to Akira underperforming in practice, and thus didn't pay any mind to the players sloppy movements.

Tooru and Hajime though, were convinced that something was wrong with their underclassman.  They conspired with eachother in hushed tones, pointing out his slight limp and how his arms always remained hovered over his midsection.  Concerned, Tooru tried to call Akira out to let him rest a bit.  However, this only served to anger the coach who forced Akira to push himself harder, saying he'll need to earn a break.

In conclusion, practice was brutal.  In the locker room Tooru attempted to confront Akira, but the latter just shrugged and ducked away, not wanting to admit a thing.

All Tooru could do was hope Akira was stable enough for the walk home.

The team made their way to the exit, most of them in partners chatting away.  The first to reach the door and attempt to push it open was Issei.

"I think it's locked," he commented out loud after forcing his whole body weight onto the door.

Sadayuki made his way over to inspect the door, "it shouldn't be, I have the only key for this door."

With the combined body weights, the door cracked open, only to be slammed shut once more as a gust of wind pressed back with an even stronger force.

The coach stepped away and scratched his head before pulling out his phone and tapping through it for a minte.

"Well even if it would open I don't think I could let you guys go home," he looked up from the device in his hand, "'S too dangerous.  The forecast says it's gonna let up in an hour or two, so just sit tight till then."

Akira could feel his heart drop into his roiling gut as the team murmered amongst themselves before walking to claim various areas in the gym to sit and talk.  Akira moved too, intentionally avoiding Yuutarou's line of vision.

And so here he was, alone, miserable, sitting balled up in the corner of the gym waiting for the raging storm on the other side of the wall and inside of him to let up enough for him to walk home.

Tooru was only half interested in whatever his fellow third years were saying, casting constant glances towards Akira's corner nest.  Every time he did something abnormal, i.e rub his eyes, run his fingers through his hair, clench his fists, bring his hand up to his mouth, Tooru tapped Hajime's shoulder.

Eventully Issei grew tired of this.

"Just go already, he probably needs someone and it's not like you're listening," Issei urged, nodding over to the corner.

Tooru nodded sheepishly, breifly apologizing for his rude manner before standing up and pulling Hajime over to the corner.

"Are you alright?" Tooru questioned, sitting down and getting comfortable before Akira had a chance to protest.

The very obviously not-alright boy weighed his options.  A, tell the truth and get babied or B, lie, get called out, then get babied.  It was a lose-lose situation, so Akira just shrugged.

Tooru pouted, placing a hand on Akira's back.  Hajime took note of how Akira's eyes furrowed every time someone yelped or laughed a bit too loud.

"Let's go to the locker room, it'll be calmer" Hajime offered, extending his hand for Akira to take.

His shoulders shrugged once more, the rest of him not making any move to do anything alone but also not resisting when his upperclassmen helped him to his feet.

To make the walk across the gym less awkward, Tooru tried to stir up small talk.

"So, you guys would never guess what happened this morning," he began, supporting Akira's left side, "I was gonna fry an egg for my sister, right, but when I cracked the egg the yolk was all black and red and goey, but it was already on the pan so then it started burning- like IMMEDIATELY- and this awful, I mean awful smell came out!  It was like moldy cheese stuffed inside of roadkill, I'm telling you it was bad, and-"

"Oikawa," Hajime warned, glancing over Akira's head wearily.

"No no no, but I'm telling you, like I swear it was like someone threw up in a pot, boiled it, then froze it and defrosted it in their dirty laundry."

Akira lurched, pulling himself out of Tooru and Hajime's grasp in favor of bracing himself against the floor.

"Shit," Hajime cursed, scooping up Akira before anyone noticed what was going on.

The ace speed walked to the locker room, Tooru on his heels.

Akira gagged over his chest, his nausea at a peak thanks to Tooru's cursedly detailed description.

"Hang on, hang on, hang on, we're almost there," Hajime repeated, weaving through the locker room to find the adjacent bathroom stalls.

He placed Akira on the floor in front of the first toilet, just in time it seemed as Akira gave one more noisy retch before coughing up a mouthful of his stomach contents.

"It's ok, get it out," Hajime comforted as Akira trembled in an attempt to suppress tears and his stomach, "seriously Shittykawa?  Was that really the only thing you could think of talking about?"

Tooru rubbed at his arm, awkwardly standing in the corner, "It's the first thing that came to mind!"

"Just.  Could you go get paper towels and his water bottle or something."

Desperate to be useful, Tooru quickly left to find the mentioned items.

Meanwhile, Akira was still fighting a losing battle with his stomach.  He refused to let anything more than that lone mouthful out, instead allowing his face to turn red in strain and his body to curl in to itself.

"Hey hey hey, you need to breath," Hajime murmured, using his hands to straighten Akira's posture up and back over the porcelain bowl.

Akira sniffed in hesitantly before breathing out through his mouth.

"See, there you got it, in... and out," Hajime comforted.

"In... and out," Akira repeated, his voice shaky.

They sat there for about 10 seconds, just breathing until Akira's stomach gave an incredibly strong lurch, forcing a thick wave out before he even realized what was going on.

He coughed through tears, spitting as much as possible to rid his mouth of the horrid taste.

"It's okay, you got it," Hajime rubbed Akira's back, concern swimming laps in his irises.

Finally, Tooru returned.

"Think you can handle some water?" Hajime asked while nodding his thanks to Tooru.

Akira shrugged, wiping his mouth with one of the napkins.

Tooru reached over the both of them to flush the toilet.

"Let's try it, okay?"

Akira nodded, bringing the bottle up to his lips, rinsing his mouth before taking a few cautious sips.  The water went down fine, his stomach seemingly done for the time being.

Closing his eyes, he leaned back, desperate for rest and support.  Tooru sat down behind him, bringing his head to a rest on his lap, brushing his fringe back to check for a fever.

Frowning, Tooru whispered, "I think he's sick, he feels really hot."

"No shit, are you a doctor?" Hajime retorted in the same volume.

Tooru glared as if to say 'now is not the time.'

"Well what do we do?" Tooru asked, Akira's eyelids twitching in his sleep, "we can't just take him home, and I don't the gym is the best place for him right now."

"You heard coach, we've got an hour or two.  We can take care of him in that time, How hard can possibly it be?"

Akira tilted his head to the side, coughing up a small amount of bile to illustrate just how hard it can possibly be.

"You're buying me new pants."

#tw: vomit #tw: emetophobia #tw: emeto #sickfic #kunimi #sick kunimi #haikyuu sickfic

[astralaffairs]

How do you think Phillip would handle an anxiety attack/depressive episode? As someone with depression, I experience these a lot and having someone there with me is nice

hey honey!! i empathize w u 100% — I've struggled w/ depression for years. that said, i kinda struggled w this, since having ppl with me when i go thru depressive episodes can be difficult for me, so i'm super sorry if this doesn't 100% reflect your experiences!!! as much as ik where you're coming from, i think my own perspective n experiences kinda colored how this turned out (also it got v long n self indulgent oops)

-----

"Hey, princess, you around?" Your eyes widened at the words, echoing down the hall of your apartment from your living room. "Y/N?"

You didn't respond at first, weren't sure what to say. You liked hearing the sound of his voice; it was a comfort in itself, but you also weren't sure whether you wanted him to find you in your room, still in bed in your pajamas, your now-empty bag of Fritos perched on the pillow beside you. You almost regretted giving him a key. You were exhausted — it was no secret for anyone who caught a glance of your half-lidded stare, the bags under your eyes. You were propped up against a pillow at the headboard, but you were still slouched over into your bent knees, curled into yourself.

You could see that he'd flipped the kitchen light on, its furthest reaches flooding the hall toward your bedroom. You wondered whether that'd mask the light coming from your room.

Your phone lit up beside you, but you couldn't see what the message you'd received actually said. It was instead filed under the notification, 'Pip 🥺💞: 7 unread messages.'

You reached over to put your phone on your bedside table, but when you did, your bed creaked loudly. You winced at the noise. Apparently, it also catalyzed the footsteps that'd stalled in your front room to kick back into action, now headed in your direction.

"Baby?" His voice was laced with concern, now. "You back here?"

When he reached your room, he raised an eyebrow, knocked lightly on the doorframe, and you sighed. "Hey, is everything okay? Can I come in?"

You didn't respond immediately, hesitant to speak for fear of him hearing the apathy that you knew had taken root deep in your voice. Eventually, after a long moment of apprehensive silence, you said, "Yeah. Yeah, of course you can."

How quiet, tired your words sounded only heightened the worry in his knit brow. His actions were tentative as he approached you. Your body was tense as he took a seat at the foot of your bed. "What're you doing in bed? It's almost 6 PM."

"What, I'm not allowed to be in bed in my own apartment?" Your voice was unnecessarily combative, and his eyebrows shot up at the sudden hostility.

"I didn't say that. Of course you are," he replied, and how gentle his tone was had you immediately struck with a pang of guilt. "But your laptop's off, and I know you've been silencing your phone. I just mean... genuinely, what have you been doing in here?"

You shrugged halfheartedly, not meeting his eyes. "I dunno. It's my day off; I don't have to be productive all the time, Philip." Again, when you spoke, it was accusatory, and Philip pursed his lips.

"Did I do something? Are you angry with me?"

Being branded as 'angry' usually would've multiplied your frustration tenfold — no, you weren't angry, but he'd showed up at your apartment unannounced and proceeded to question your lazy evening in; didn't you at least have a right to be annoyed? — but his searching gaze looked so troubled when it met yours that you couldn't bring yourself to be. Ultimately, you shook your head.

"No, you didn't. I just..." When you trailed off, you'd intended to finish the sentence, but you realized you didn't have a decent explanation to offer him. He sighed.

"Something's wrong. Talk to me; c'mon." You didn't say anything, and he scooted across your mattress to sit beside you, discarding your empty, crinkled snack bag to the floor. "Y/N?"

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine," you murmured, and though you offered him a tired smile, he frowned.

"Hey, no you're not." When he reached for your hand, you flinched, more due to instinct born of the tension in your bloodstream than to any real intention. Nonetheless, it took him aback. He was about to pull away, but when you relaxed, he laced his fingers tentatively into yours. You didn't rebuke him. "Y'know I'm here for you, right?"

The smile you managed to contrive at that was, in your opinion, more convincing than your previous one. "I know, baby. I love you. But really, I'm doing alright. I've just been tired today; I wanted to come take a nap. Sorry if I'm being grumpy."

You thought your words would've assuaged his concerns; they had with everyone who'd heard them before. However, Philip let out a heavy breath, shaking his head. "Please, don't bullshit me. I know you too well for that."

Your light laugh in response felt like an adequate supplement, and you squeezed his hand. "Relax. I'm not bullshitting, okay?"

You held firm on your smile as he eyed you warily, and when he leaned over to kiss you, you relished in the touch, eyes fluttering shut as his nose skimmed your skin. He didn't pull all the way away, though, resting his forehead against yours.

His lips met your cheek, and against your skin, he whispered, "Stop hiding. I love you, and you're only worrying me more."

He took your chin in his free hand as he pulled just inches away, watching carefully when your eyes widened. "C'mon, what makes you think—?"

"I know you." He cut you off firmly, the words leaving little room for protest or contradiction. You didn't like how exposed you felt. "And I can tell that something's seriously wrong."

A moment passed in silence; your eyes darted across his expression, searching for any degree of uncertainty, but he was set fully in his convictions. You bit your lip. "Okay," you finally said, voice tiny. "I... I'm sorry, Philip."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I just want you to be honest with me." He reached up to smooth his hand over your hair, it eventually coming to rest at the nape of your neck. You nodded.

"I know." You ran your thumb over his knuckles, staring down at where your hands were interlinked. "But... I don't know what to tell you. Nothing happened, and there's nothing you can fix."

"Then what isn't okay?" he asked. "What can you talk to me about? What's weighing on you?"

How earnest his voice was only left you frustrated, sitting beside him with no answer to give. "I don't know what to tell you. I'm what's been ruining my day."

"What d'you mean?"

You huffed, tried to pull your hand away as you turned your head, struggling to articulate anything. You felt stupid; you knew whatever would come out of your mouth would sound stupid. But he didn't let your hand go, and you found yourself easing back toward his body.

"This whole day has just... it's been so fucking hard. And I haven't even done anything. I'm still in bed, for god's sake; I've been useless." Your own words made your skin crawl. You sounded so whiny; why couldn't you form a thought without coming off as pathetic?

"It's your day off, right? Why should you be productive?" he echoed your own words back to you with a kind smile, and your involuntary resentment eased in the slightest.

"Thanks, Pip. But..." You swallowed. "I'm so tired. Everything I try to do feels so exhausting. The reason my laptop's still off is because trying to find something to watch was just... making me feel worse."

He nodded. "I'm sorry." You were momentarily disappointed when he released your hand, but that same arm then snaked around your waist, and he paused, not yet trying to pull you into him. "This okay?"

How gently, how tenderly he was treating you your fatigued gaze slowly softening. "Yeah." You shut your eyes when he held you close, leaning you into his body. He was so warm, and he was so good to you. "Love you," you murmured.

"I love you, too." The small, weak smile you gave was all but imperceptible when he kissed the top of your head. "So, what d'you think's going on, then? Are you getting sick? Do I need to take you to the doctor? Pick up some antibiotics?"

The concern in his eyes had returned when you glanced up to him once more, and you pursed your lips. "No, no, it's not... I don't need the doctor, or any ibuprofen, or whatever," you murmured, and your tone sounded more hopeless than you realized. You'd burrowed your face into Philip's side, by then, and you couldn't see it when he pursed his lips. The despair in his eyes was heavier than you'd have guessed.

"Alright, princess," he said quietly. When a beat passed, you thought he was going to leave it at that, but his voice was apprehensive when he continued. "Is there... something else you know that has you so spent?"

The noise of discontent you let out into his t-shirt was almost a groan. You weren't overly pleased with his hitting the mark, but after a long pause, you gave a small, weak nod. "Yeah," you whispered. "But it isn't something you can fix."

He didn't hesitate, then, to pull you into his lap, though the action caught you by surprise. Both his hands were holding you to him by the waist; you shifted in his grasp, turning to rest against his chest, your arms looped around his neck. "Then it's a good thing you aren't broken." You lifted your head from his chest, turning it to look up at him curiously, and one of his hands left your waist, instead coming to cup your cheek. "My sister's been dealing with depression for most of her life. I get that I'll never know what it's like, but if you're willing to talk to me, trust me when I say I won't take it lightly."

His thumb sweeped across your cheekbone as you stared up at him in surprise. He furrowed his eyebrows. "What's up? Was my assumption off-base?

At that, you let out a huff, surprised but no longer bitter. "No. You're just too perceptive for your own good sometimes; you know that?" you murmured, and he laughed. You could feel it reverberate in his chest against your body.

"Not too perceptive for your own good, though, apparently." He raised an eyebrow at you, expectant, and you rolled your eyes. When you didn't respond, he continued, "How come you never told me?"

"I don't know." You sniffed. "Depression's just so fucking stupid. Like, sorry, your brain chemicals are fucked up, so you're going to spend the next week rotting in bed. What kind of deal is that?"

The droll annoyance in your words made him smile. Anything was better than the apathy. "Really, princess, who comes up with this stuff?" he replied, mirth laced into his tone as he plastered on a look of annoyance. You cracked a small smile.

"I dunno, but I'd like to have a talk with them sometime. Give 'em a piece of my mind."

He laughed, absentmindedly rubbing circles into your lower back. "You should. Stick it to the man." The way he nodded decisively made you purse your lips, small smile threatening to widen into a watery grin. "But until then, is there anything I can do for you right now? What have you done today?"

You let out a heavy sigh against his body, with that, once again fully present in your wreck of a bedroom. "I showered, and I ate a family-size bag of chips."

"Hey, so you got out of bed." He nudged you with his shoulder, wearing an encouraging smile. "That's something, right?"

"Mmhmm. And then I got right back into bed," you huffed.

"Alright. What have you eaten today? Anything?"

You raised an eyebrow. "We just covered this. Family-sized bag of chips."

"That's not exactly a meal, baby," he said, and his furrowed brow made you scowl. "Hey, I don't mean to downplay that; I'm really glad you ate. I just wanna know if I can get you anything else."

You shrugged. "I'm not hungry."

"Is there any food that you'd eat right now if you had it in front of you?"

There was a pause; you didn't move, gaze blank as you considered it, but again, you shrugged. "I dunno. Chocolate sounds nice. But I don't need anything."

"You need to eat."

"That's so unhealthy," you said quietly. Just your single day's worth of poor eating habits had you feeling beyond lousy about your body; you had no desire to see a mirror until at least the next day.

"What's unhealthy is letting yourself starve, princess." You rested the side of your head against his chest once more, having no desire to meet his eyes. You didn't want his stare to be judgmental.

"'M not starving," you mumbled, and one of his hands rose to the back of your head, holding you close as you leaned into him.

"I'm not accusing you of anything," he whispered, and his thumb brushed across the skin of your neck. "Relax. I love you. I can go and get you anything you want to eat."

"No, no, don't leave. Don't leave me," you murmured, and your hold on him tightened. "Just stay with me. Please. I'll deal with everything I've been neglecting in the morning."

He sighed. "Baby, you know I want to, but I'm worried about you. Someone's gotta take care of you if you aren't gonna take care of yourself."

"Later." You looked up at him, and he could see your distress in your gaze. "I promise, Philip. I'm just so tired. Just wanna stay in bed. Want you here with me."

"Okay." He kissed your forehead. "Okay, I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?"

"I promise, princess."

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[daydreamsigh]

I honestly don’t know what to do about my sister anymore. Everything makes her angry and sets her off and she is anything but subtle about it. She’ll scream like she’s getting murdered, screech until you can actually hear her throat sound dry and scratchy, fall into aggressive crying spells like wailing and moaning, then stomp, slam, throw or generally destroy whatever she’s near and all in all it’s basically an adult temper tantrum. She’s always been like this since she was little, and I know in part it’s trauma because we had the same childhood but she just doesn’t consider how it doesn’t only affect her. It’s very alarming to hear especially as someone with ptsd and even though I try to approach her in an attempt to help or solve her problem without fail she’ll 1. Scream something unintelligible in an ear-piercing, high-pitched screech 2. Threaten me or 3. Curse me out as if I’m the cause of her problem even though if I try to sit back and let it pass or maybe I’m literally having a freeze response she will scream something like “why aren’t you helping me!!!” because believe it or not these episodes will start off from something as small as her misplacing headphones, her phone, keys and so on.. (which usually all items end up being somewhere obvious, it’s like her own forgetfulness triggers her). I think the most recent issue was a night over a week ago, she called me screaming about forgetting money ($250), scared she lost it. She yelled at me like a drill sergeant not letting me talk or ask questions as to where it could be demanding I go to her room and turn it upside down and magically find it. I didn’t have to look long, I found the money peeking out from her trash can (which I can only assume again due to her forgetfulness) and as calmly as I tried interrupting her saying I found it (so she would stop yelling at me!!) instead of saying sorry she just yelled abruptly “I’m on my way!!” Implying she’s wants me to bring it to her because she does this thing where she hates using her house key so has me open the door for her or run things out to her. Yes, she’s like this and yes she will absolutely get angry if she had to unlock the door with her own key or come upstairs to get her own stuff. She shouts at me constantly whenever she has to unlock the door asking incredulously why is it locked in the first place. So I waited on the front porch in the dead of night for two hours, scared to call her asking when she’s coming so I texted her that I’ll be waiting and she tells me.. “oh it’s fine I have money with me” when she made it seem the $250 was the only money she had and desperately needed in the moment for who knows what. There are so many instances like this, she’s insensitive and feels entitled to people’s time and effort. Goodness forbid it’s anything slightly “bigger” than misplaced items, it’s like I can feel when her episodes start to bubble up according to the situation; maybe someone yelled at her, her toxic bf (who I HATE) did smth, she has hw due at the end of the night that she didn’t start.. it could be anything.

Sure there are times she’ll tell me she’s sorry but then have an episode as early as the next day or even the same day of the apology. I had this talk with her awhile ago and convinced her to get help where she somehow easily got prescribed anxiety medication (I think ppl often don’t think about how anger and anxiety can go hand in hand) and she was better for awhile but just stopped. She just doesn’t care and I hate living like this. I know she’s told me before that she never gets angry like this around anyone but only me because we’re close and she’s comfortable with me. It’s so messed up that she doesn’t realize how wrong that is. It really breaks my heart when she comes and chats with me with a smile and good mood or we are just hanging out as sisters and she’s mellow because I’m always in my head.. when are you going to break, how much can I really say before you get impatient and annoyed, I don’t actually like talking to you or being around you but I know it’ll make you mad if I say so..

#I just want to take a handful of sleeping pills right now and drift off and dissociate #she just had one about 20min and now I’m all nerves and feel like crying because I always think.. #I’m her big sister I must have not protected her well enough from trauma that made her like this #I wish we had a better childhood I wish things were different I’m so sorry

[spokelseskladden]

for the your country asks, 4, 5, 10, 11, and 13 (please teach me to swear in Norwegian my mom definitely knows how and she won't lmfao)

4. favourite dish specific for your country? I’m a sucker for a good old fashioned norwegian salmon dinner with potatoes and rømme (kind of like sour cream but way thicker) I also like tørrfisk (dried fish) as a snack lol

5. favourite song in your native language? Right now? anything by Cezinando, he’s one of my favourite norwegian artists atm. Anyway i listen to this song by him a lot cause im emo in 2020 cause im a graduating student with behavioural issues lmaooo 

10. most enjoyable swear word in your native language? im from north norway so i swear like every other word?? Theres this running joke in Norway that ppl from north norway can call the police “Jævla hestkuku” (fucking horsedick) and get away with it cause we’re just like that. It’s true tho lmao I know ppl that do that on the regular up here and didn’t get trouble for it, but tried it down south and was fined. So yeah you came to the right place. 

I’ll tell you some different ones cause you want to learn. one of my most used one would be “faen”. It’s a religiously themed swear, and it’s basically another word for the devil. You can say “Faen ta deg” which basically means fuck you. it’s kinda oldfashioned tho so usually we just say faen like english speakers would say.  Our norwegian form for fuck is knull tho, but it’s mainly used when u actually refer to fucking, so we don’t say “knull you” or stuff like that, at least not in my circles lmao.  Jævel literally means the devil and we usually use that like fucker i guess? like “Åh den jæveln” would be “oh that fucker”. We use hore as a swear a lot, and yeah it means whore and it might be problematic but like. it kinda doesn’t mean shit to most ppl cause it’s just a swear you know? anyway just putting whore infront of a word makes it into a swear. We also have helvete which is literally just hell, fitte which is pussy and a great thing to say when ur angry, and kuk which is cock or dickk or whatever. male genitalia. and ofc we have satan which is y’know. just satan. The good ol’ swears are the religious ones, the sexual ones are “newer”. Anyway now i’ll tell u what i usually say when i stub my toe which i know cause i just stubbed my toe and said this: 

“satans jævla fittekukk i helvette FAENs horeunge knull mæ i ræva” translated - “Satans fucking pussydick in hell FUCKing whorechild fuck me in the ass”. Elegant, i know uwu

11. favourite native writer/poet? OOOOOH LUDVIG HOLBERG!!!! He was a writer back in the enlightenment days and his novel “Niels Klims reise til den underjordiske verden” or “Niels Klims underground travels” in english changed my life! It was so progressive and he really said “give women the same rights as men” and “fuck slavery” back in the 1700s. He ripped white saviourism to shreds and i respect him so fucking much. Also he was a master at satire and would literally criticize the upperclass and “intellectuals” in the best ways possible, like this man really did that. I would advice y’all to read about him, he was pretty amazing and i hope to make the same kind of impact he made on me on someone else haha

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders? I was raised in a strictly religious household so the only superstitions i were allowed to believe in was god, but my boyfriends family have a lot of those nordic superstitions.  

His grandmother told me that when she was a child her grandmother told her if she went out during the northern lights it would take her away to heaven which scared the shit out of her (this superstition can be traced back to at least the vikings lol), they also believe in the creatures from the underworld like hulders and trolls. There’s this bush behind bfs grannys house that everyone knows the hulder lives under there. so to not get maimed by her we’re all just letting that bush grow. She also convinced my bf and his sister that there were trolls living under a rock by her cabin in the woods (but that they were kind trolls, she didn’t want them to be scared of them lmao). Now for something i believe in pretty strongly, but isn’t uncommon outside of norway is ghosts. I will always say hello and introduce myself when i go into an empty house just in case there are ghosts there, cause i don’t want to disrespect them, they were there first after all!

Thank you for the questions anon! Hope i helped you out with the swears, and if u have any more questions about them you can ask me anytime :) 

#ask games #norwegian things #i guess #Anonymous

[eats-the-stars]

ok so i’m probably not going to word this the best, but I think I’ve finally convinced my bro-in-law-to-be (white, straight) that he can’t keep making homophobic/racist jokes around the house or out in public. and for context, he’s actually not a very racist/homophobic dude, but when he hangs out with his dude friends (a group that includes one gay dude, a bi guy, and a black guy) they all tend to throw around those kind of jokes in good humor. which is fine if they’re out laughing it up or whatever. but...not around the house, when none of those people are present to reciprocate.

and the bro-in-law-to-be has explained over and over that “my gay/black friend was the one who said this joke so it’s cool for me to tell it” but...his gay friend is not here to laugh at the joke. his black friend is not here to laugh at his joke. The only people in this house are me (white nonbinary ace or lesbian i’m still figuring it out, also autistic), my sister (white, bi), and our straight white dad who is very racist/homophobic but usually keeps it on the down low since he knows that we do not share his views and WILL debate him if he makes a nasty comment.

So our dad is usually quiet about his messed up thoughts...UNLESS someone says something to indicate “Hey, I’m racist/homophobic, just like you!” and makes it a safe space to suddenly start talking about “the Chinese virus” or “businesses should be allowed to refuse service to gays” and all this other horrible stuff, which then means that my sister and I have to go through another grueling debate with our dad about how “eugenics is bad” and “refusing to bake a cake leads to refusing to lease an apartment and it’s a slippery slope” and EVERY TIME the bro-in-law-to-be has been like “wow i didn’t know your dad thought those things” while my sister and I are like “AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN IF YOU STOPPED TELLING THESE JOKES AND ENCOURAGING HIM TO BE OPENLY RACIST/HOMOPHOBIC.”

I can’t believe we had to explain to my bro-in-law-to-be that ppl who are racist/homophobic keep an ear out for these kind of jokes in order to recognize each other. A joke is the safest way for them to test the waters. If it’s poorly received, they can just brush it off and go “oh it was just a joke, guys, it wasn’t serious, I don’t really think those things, haha.” BUT it also provides the option for ppl to laugh and go “oh yes, that’s a good joke, i’ll tell you an equally horrible joke to prove that i share your beliefs.” and BAM, they’ve identified a fellow racist/homophobe/etc. and now know that they can talk openly in front of this person, or look to them for support if an argument breaks out. And then suddenly the space you’re in has the potential to become very ugly very fast if the majority of people signal that they’re comfortable with this, and then, if you’re a person who doesn’t agree, you have to either step up and try to shut that shit down and potentially put yourself at risk (which can range from actual physical risk to the emotional/mental damage that comes with listening to someone say terrible things about a group you belong to).

And my bro-in-law-to-be has the luxury of not belonging to any of these groups. Which means that if he makes a stupid joke at the wrong time that lights the racist/homophobic/ableist fire in the room, he’s not at risk of getting burnt. At most he’s going to be uncomfortable or feel like “wow that’s horrible” but he won’t actually be at RISK in the same way my sister and I will be. The way anyone else in that room who’s black or gay or autistic will be once he starts that ball rolling.

And right now we’re trying to focus on him not starting those fires inside our house, around our dad. Because my sister and I have tried very hard over the years to try to talk our dad out of a lot of his shitty mindsets and it’s slow progress, but we’ve managed to convince him of small things over time. he’s a lot less ableist and sexist, for example. Those were easier to work on because he has three daughters (us) and we milked that angle hard, and because I’m autistic, which we also milked hard since i was able to convince him to look at me as having expertise about disabilities that made him value my opinion. We’ve also made strides on the homophobia front, too. If I ever figure out that i like girls (still working on that) and actually date a girl, I think he would be uncomfortable at first, but he wouldn’t reject me as his daughter or anything. likewise, if my sister (bi) broke up w/her boyfriend and started dating a girl, he would probably accept that. We know this mostly because our dad apparently thought that our youngest sis (the irony is she’s the only straight one) was dating her bff in high school and was cool with it. Might have a harder time if, like, his grandson turned out to be gay (he’s more accepting of lesbians/wlw??), but we’re working on it, and we got him to accept using our trans friend’s chosen name and pronouns instead of his deadname, which took time (i’m still not out to him as nonbinary, tho. my sister and online peeps are the only ppl who know right now). So we’ve made progress!

But THEN my bro-in-law has to throw dad a bone with these lame jokes that are uncomfortable to hear coming out of his mouth in the first place (why is it always a cis straight white guy who thinks he can tell any kind of joke as long as he “doesn’t mean it”?) and so this has brought back a lot of those old beliefs in our dad that we’ve been trying to smother. These last few years under Trump have already set him back, ngl, but bro-in-law-to-be was not helping.

it’s also so hard to try fighting racism in our dad, partly because our area is so white and most of our POC friends don’t live here anymore (so far our best success is directly exposing him to a person belonging to the group he hates, and slowly letting him see that they’re human. he’s so non-confrontational that he’s not going to say anything in front of the person, either, and we supervise the whole time, and inform our friend beforehand–our trans friend volunteered to help us previously). and you can’t just say “black lives matter because they’re human beings with intrinsic value equal to a white life” because...he’s racist. he’ll debate you all day or say “ok ok” and let the subject drop w/out changing his mind. you literally have to force him to regularly have positive reactions w/a real life person to change him. god...it’s like training a dog or exposure therapy or something but it’s the best we’ve got. it’s not like there’s a school where u can send ur racist parents to learn human decency.

and it’s hard because he’s our dad and we love him and it’s hard to look at someone you love and know that he believes that straight white abled lives have more intrinsic value than anyone else...just because. i hate that we live in a society where so many ppl hate each other for these things. and it’s just...up to everyone else in their lives to decide to do anything about it. and even then, it’s so hard. and our dad is just one person, and we’ve had years and the benefit of him loving us enough to listen. i can’t imagine trying to reform a stranger, or tons of ppl all at once...

#2020 #personal #racism #homophobia #it's one thing to hang out w/a bunch of LGBT+ pals and joke around #or to make jokes w/in your marginalized group #like here on tumblr it's generally fine to do that #i can make 'random thing' gave me autism jokes #or joke and say that i'm getting extra vaccines to level up to super saiyan autism #but i would never make those jokes around my conservative aunts #because i know that they genuinely believe that vaccines cause autism #and they would turn my joke into a debate #or literally not gonna lie ask me if i think 'random thing' really did give me autism #ah...but even then it's not the same as my bro-in-law because i AM autistic... #he's making gay jokes even tho he's straight #and like yeah ok w/ur friends who know ur not serious that's fine #but if you're in a room full of strangers and you make a joke like that #you're suddenly opening up a chance for the new topic of discussion to be something like #'should businesses be able to refuse service to gay people?' or 'should autistic ppl be allowed to reproduce?' #and BAM suddenly that space is very hostile for any gay/autistic/etc ppl #while bro-in-law will remain safe because he's not any of those things #which means his silly jokes are really hard for me to find funny at any time actually #because some ppl LITERALLY THINK THOSE THINGS #about ME PERSONALLY #i have to take these things seriously because they can affect my life #and i think it's kind of wild that it's the straight white dude who feels comfortable enough to throw these kind of #unfunny jokes around. like i get it he can just laugh and walk away but uh not everybody can do that #and there's a difference between cracking a gay joke on your liberal college campus #and cracking the same joke at your conservative family reunion #like just...don't do it please

[teatitty]

Rogues Lore

First of all I want to thank @schweeeppess for letting me spam her with Rogues lore 2 months ago cuz it made this post so much easier to type out when I can just copy-paste everything and then edit it to be more cohesive lmao

Second this is under a read more because it is A Lot

Leonard Snart AKA Captain Cold

He grew up with a super abusive father and his only refuge was when he would hang out with his grandfather in his grandfather's ice truck. When the grandfather died, he grew tired of his dad's abuse and set out to start a criminal career and moved to central. 

(He's the one who started the rogues!) 

He found blueprints for a "cold gun" which he ended up making from scratch (it’s also canon that he knows the gun so well he can remake it out of scraps in about 30 seconds to a minute) and had three main rules in his group: No Killing, No Harm To Women Or Children and No Drug Use. His cold gun is capable of interfering with the speedforce cuz it can reach “absolute zero” which is even colder then Mr Freeze's tech. 

He's also the only cold-based villain capable of mastering this temp. In New Earth he was described as an "adversary" but in Prime Earth (same backstory as before mind you) he's described as being a straight villain whose only rule in the group is "no killing" (which seems to be a pretty flexible rule these days cuz DC has made him more, well, down with killing). He's also much younger here then he was in NE. 

In Flash 2016 #17 we see another upgraded version of his gun that's capable of separating the Flash from the speedforce directly and, in doing so, causing Barry excrutiating pain. Generally, he and Barry had more respect for eachother in NE, to the point that Len even considered him family. In PE, though they have teamed up now and again, Len is far more hostile towards Barry, sometimes even being written in a way that suggests he wouldn’t mind if Barry died.

Sam scudder AKA Mirror Master (the first one!) 

He was a simple convict who just really wanted to learn how to get inside a mirror's reflection. He practiced in a hall of mirrors and, once he succeeded, became Mirror Master. He was a frequent foe for Barry and, during Crisis on Infinite Earths, died around the same time Barry did.

 He was the one who discovered the "mirror world". At one point he got himself trapped there and hated that the mirror world could just get him whatever he wanted instead of him stealing it so he got Barry to bust him out. He could also use mirror's to mind control ppl (dont ask) and this intrigued Barry. 

 On PE he's dating Lisa Snart (Len's younger sister) and is the only Mirror Master to exist. In N52 he, Len, Lisa, Mick and Marco all got fused with their weapons for a while and given meta-human abilities which I. hate because it took away what made them all so cool (I'm fine with Marco tho and you'll find out why in a minute) he's also a really big attention seeker lol

Hartley Rathaway AKA Pied Piper

Alright most of Hartley's info is from NE so: he was born deaf to wealthy parents who got him very high-tech hearing implants. He became obssessed with sounds and started experimenting with sonic technology. Bored of his rich life (and sometimes it's implied he had ableist and/or homophobic parents too) he took to a life of crime after learning how to hypnotize people through music (Pied Piper ayyy). 

He was the first person to ever successfully break out of Iron Heights and did so because he befriended the rats there and used them to help himself escape, adding more to his whole Pied Piper thing. After Barry died he gave up crime and started working to help the poor and underprivelaged (I'm not saying he quit specifically bc of Barry's death buuuuuut most of the Rogues did so). 

He struck up a close friendship with Wally and came out as openly gay! On PE all that we know for certain is that he's a "reformed vigilante" who's the conductor for the Central City orchestra. He used to share an apartment with Barry (yes for real) before he moved in with his bf, David Singh (also Barry's director in the CCPD). Lisa was the one who convinced him to come out to the Rogues, and they were all chill with being gay, their problem came when he started dating David who is, you know, a cop.

He has a pet rat called Moon (cute, right?). Also in pre-N52 canon (cant remember if it was NE specifically or older) Hartley once had a nervous breakdown after Barry arrested him so Barry took him to get help at a mental health hospital :')

(Some artists draw him blonde, some brunette and others go more for reddish-brown it’s kinda confusing)

Marco/Mark Mardon AKA Weather Wizard

On NE he's a two bit criminal called Mark Mardon (he's also white and yes thats important to note) but one day, after escaping from a cop van, he ran to find his brother, Clyde, who was a scientist only to discover his bro had died of a heart attack (however, there's implications that he actually murdered his brother and simply blocked out the memory). 

He then found Clyde's notes on how to create a wand to control the weather and made it for himself. The worst he ever did on NE was imprison a town in winter and after Barry's death he went into semi-retirement (told you the Rogues all did this)

On PE however! He and Clyde are Latino and are the heirs to a huge cartel! Clyde takes over the cartel and Marco wants nothing to do with that life. After their father dies, Marco runs away and eventually becomes Weather Wizard. 

He comes back when he hears his brother has been murdered and gets accused of the crime. He finds out it was Clyde's wife, Elsa, who orchestrated the whole thing and, in a fit of grief and anger, kills her with lightning. He also tries to kill himself at the same time but it doesn’t work. After her death, he curls up into a ball and starts crying because he feels like he hasnt got any family left but then Lisa shows up and is like "yo the rogues are still here for you bitch"

His emotions affect the weather in this continuity and I’m a weak bitch for that but that’s 100% my bias for Ororo Munroe showing itself lol

James Jesse AKA Trickster (the first one!)

James Jesse was born to the Flying Jesses, famous circus performers. He, however, was afraid of heights, and preferred reading stories of Western criminal Jesse James. 

He invented air-walking shoes to get rid of his acrophobia, and this led to his fame as an aerialist at the circus. Buuut he wanted more excitement in life and became a conman instead! He had a lot of wacky gadgets like exploding teddy bears and, after Barry's death, moved from Central to Hollywood and started working in special effects. 

Like Hartley, he even attended Barry's funeral. He once beat the devil, Neron, at his own game and eventually started using his skills for good, collecting weapons of incarcerated villains so they couldnt fall into the wrong hands. He eventually died protecting Hartley during Final Crisis. Deadshot was the one who got him. 

On Prime Earth his parents were straight up neglectful and, instead of creating his own boots, he stole them from STAR labs instead. This version of him is also WAY more fucked up and murdery then NE to the point us long-term Rogues fans got really upset at how much DC had changed him 

On NE his real name is “Giovanni Giuseppe” (swear this is, like, the only italian name DC knows) and on PE the Flying Jesse's were a deliberate rip off of the Flying Graysons

George “Digger” Harkness AKA Captain Boomerang

The illegitimate son of an American toy-maker, W.W. Wiggins, and an Australian woman, Betty Harkness, George Harkness was raised in poverty in the small town of Kurrumburra, Australia. His stepfather, Ian Harkness, hated the boy and made his life miserable. (Like canonically Ian was an abusive alcoholic and even abused Betty who was too ill to defend herself or George. The reason George goes by "Digger" is cuz that's what his mom used to call him before she died; it's aussie slang for "soldier") 

In school, Harkness crafted a boomerang. He discovered he had great skill with the aboriginal weapon and often used it for mischief with his best friend, Mick Wentworth. He further honed his skills while spending some time hiding from the law in the Australian bush. 

When Digger was eighteen, he and Wentworth robbed a general store and were able to make their escape with the aid of Digger’s boomerang. However, this incident caused Digger’s stepfather to kick him out of the house. 

His mother gave him a plane ticket to Central City and told him to get in touch with Wiggins. Wiggins had been searching for a spokesman for W.W. Wiggins Game Company's latest product, a toy boomerang. Under the alias "George Green", Digger auditioned for and got the job. Wiggins outfitted him with a costume and gave him the name "Captain Boomerang."

Ridiculed by the audience, he took to a life of crime instead.

His story is pretty much the same on PE. The only diff being there was no childhood friend and Digger made boomerangs in an attempt to impress his absentee father. Also he has a habit of making up fake stories about himself lmao 

The only one's he really doesnt stab in the back are the Rogues and Harley Quinn but everyone else? fair game. In Flash: Rebirth he and Barry even exchange favours for info and it’s implied this is a regular thing for them

Roscoe Dillon AKA The Top

He technically appears on PE but he's one of Thawne's acolytes so lets just. Skip that and focus on NE instead

Literally his whole thing is that he was obssessed with spinning tops as a kid and taught himself how to spin fast enough to deflect bullets. He became a criminal, tried to blackmail the entire world once, and was Lisa's first boyfriend! 

He was also her ice-skating coach and taught her how to spin super well like himself! He has a very confusing characterization tho cuz sometimes he was written to be all about revenge and killing but other times he was just like the other rogues; a blue-collar criminal who stole things because he liked to. 

He died eventually which I'm not going to try to explain cuz it's...yeah. There's also this whole thing where he could possess people after his death but this was in the silver age and that shit just happened sometimes so whatever 

In short: Roscoe has a really cool concept to him but nobody really knew how to write him so he ended up all over the place

He also has a Spinning Top shaped satellite in space where he stores all his loot (dont ask)

Mick Rory AKA Heatwave

Mick Rory has pyromania! Very severely! He was born on a farm outside of Central and, as a child, was very fascinated with fire. This turned into an obssession and he ended up burning his house down. So fascinated by the flames, however, he never ran to get help, watching his whole house burn down (and killing his parents inside) and he ended up living with his uncle after this. 

On a schooltrip, his schoolmate stuck him in a meat locker as a prank where he gained Cryophobia (fear of the cold) so in retaliation Mick locked the boy in his house and set the thing on fire (again, pyromania). He ran away again and ended up becoming a fire-eater for a circus. That didn't last long either because, surprise!, he burned the place down. 

Desperate to find a way to help his obssession, he happened to see the Rogues operating in Central and decided to take up villainy. At first he and Len got into a few altercations with eachother due to Mick's fear of the cold but eventually they settled their differences and Len officially brought him into the Rogues. 

Mick kinda relies on them to keep his pyromania in check basically. There was a time where he was, briefly, reformed and gained a close friendship with Barry (even being roommates with him. By then he'd already known Barry's real identity for a few years) and used his pyro knowledge to become a fire-fighter consultant. At one point he even worked for the FBI

His backstory is practically the same on PE the only difference being that he never expressed regret for burning down his house, and actually says he wishes he’d burned down the whole neighbourhood instead

Lisa Snart AKA Golden Glider

When I say her NE version is leagues above PE I mean it. 

Like Len, she suffered abuse under their father and escaped it by becoming a figure skater under the name Lisa Star for the Futura Ice Show! Her fame came from her very fast spins, a trick she was taught by Roscoe. When Roscoe died while fighting Barry (brain complications though there’s more to it, but again I’m not going to get into that) Lisa turned to villainy, blaming Barry for her lover's death. 

Her attempts on Barry and Iris' lives were always foiled. She used a pair of ice skates that created their own ice flow, and had many gadgets that caused hypnotism. She also stole Len's gun once but retooled it into a twirling Baton. 

When Barry died she renounced her feud with him and attempted to go straight again with her brother. They created a company that recovered lost or stolen items. Eventually she returned back to a life of crime, went through three boyfriends, all using the name Chillblaine (she named them that iirc), until the fourth Blaine killed her. Len got revenge on that one 

On PE, however, Lisa had a brain tumor (it got cured later) and was a tag-a-long villain for her brother and her boyfriend, Sam Scudder. This version of her never became a skater and is instead murderous just for...the sake of it. She also has this thing about wanting to be the leader of the Rogues instead of Len, and when she's in charge of them for a while the Rogues’ morals change and killing is suddenly fine so. Whatever. NE Lisa is the best (also her whole outfit? Stunning)

Roy G. Bivolo AKA Rainbow Raider (not technically a Rogue anymore but he was a member for a while)

He appeard on PE as Chroma but gets murdered by Grodd so we only have NE canon to use (they did my mans dirty) 

He was a wonderful painter from an early age but was born colourblind. His father, an optometrist, was determined to create a device that would let him see in full colour. Toy didnt get the device until after his father's death but unfortunately the device didnt let him see colour. 

Instead, the goggles could project beams of light that could become solid objects, make him invisible, blind his opponents, or affect the emotions of his targets. Angry that he couldnt pursue an artistic career. he decided to become a thief and primarily stole famous artwork. He was eventually killed by Amunet Black

Evan McCulloch AKA Mirror Master (second one)

Evan was born to rich parents Louis and Carol Erikson who gave him up for adoption because they were too young to be responsible parents. He ended up at the McCulloch orphanage. 

At age 8 he was molested by one of the older boys there and, in self-defence, ended up drowning the him. At 16 he left the orphanage, taking on the name of the woman who raised him and moves to Glasgow (he’s scottish btw) 

He found that it was super difficult to hold down a job but, needing to make ends meet and constantly breaking the law anyway, he turned to a life of crime and became a hitman and then a professional assassin.

One day he got hired to kill his birth father but was unaware of who his target was until after he took the shot. Grief-stricken, he attended the funeral and tried to work up the nerve to approach his birth mother. By the time he had, she'd committed suicide and he turned himself in for his crimes. 

Either the Scottish or US government gave him Sam's old Mirror Master gear and hired him to be a mercenary. 

His first job was scaring Animal Man into stopping his activism, but he failed because of Animal Man’s wife. Refusing to actually kill the wife and children (thanks to his own morals) he gets fired and helps Animal Man seek revenge.

He continues to work as a criminal and supervillain-for-hire, even working out of costume as a mercernary in Britain.

Eventually he found his way to Central City and joined the Rogues, taking over as Sam Scudders official successor. There was a time where he had a Cocaine Addiction which caused friction between him and Capt Cold because of Len’s rule against drug use. 

Throughout all of this, Evan made sure to donate a portion of all the money he ever got to the McCulloch Orphanage

Axel Walker AKA Trickster (second one) 

On PE, Axel was recruited by the Rogues early on in his career. He messed up during a heist and they kicked him out (they'd never do that but w/e) 

He worked for Mob Rule as a henchman for a bit then went freelance when MB was arrested. He saved Cold's life cuz he felt he still owed Cold a debt. When Grodd took over Central, Axel tried to join his side but Grodd tore his arm off from the bicep (ouch) and left him to die on the street. Axel got himself a cool sleek robot arm and returned to crime anyway. He got accused of murder, Barry cleared his name, but he still got sent to Iron Heights for other charges. 

The Rogues, hearing about this, went to bust him out and were like "okay fine u can hang with us" and he stayed with them from then on

In NE canon, while Jesse was working with the FBI, Axel stole all his gear and ended up working for Penguin in Gotham. Penguin gets attacked by Tarantula, Axel fails to stop her and a few days later he gets caught by Robin (Tim) for causing trouble in Gotham. 

He moves on to work with Amunet Black, but after her defeat is offered to join the “new Rogues” by Capt Cold and accepts the offer. Some stuff happens, he fights the OG Trickster who leaves him in a dumpster and tells him never to pick up the gear again, then Axel answers an ad from some college students asking for a trained hero to teach them some things, he has dinner with them and then kills them all. Neat.

When Jesse died, Axel redonned the Trickster gear and started operating his own crew out of an old Rogues hideout. When the Rogues returned to Central, Axel found out they were gonna retire and go underground. He rejoined them to help them get revenge on Inertia for manipulating them into killing Bart Allen, and he stayed with the group henceforth. 

Evan explained to him that joining the Rogues wasn’t a matter of him wanting to be one, but why he needed to be one

In short: Axel is a punk kid who wants to fit in with the big boys and the Rogues are the only ones who really gave him a chance, acting like his older siblings. It’s worth noting that canon never mentions any relatives for him so, as far as we know, crime is all he’s ever known

And that’s all of them!

#random facts #the rogues #this took. so long to do #good luck reading it all lmao! #god i'm tired #i love them a whole lot can you tell? #tw: abuse mention #tw: drug addiction mention #tw: assault mention

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

I've seen a popular post on tumblr saying "I'm done with the female villain using seduction to get what she wants,and the male one using violence to the same end. How about we gender flip that shit - the guy charms someone,and the girl threatens to throw the poor victim off of a building?" or anything alike. I totally agreed with them,and my mind went to Drew Tanaka and Luke Castellan. Okay,Drew is a daughter of Aphrodite(goddess of beauty and love),and Luke's a terrific warrior.

Cont. However,that post fits their canon MO’s perfectly, IMO. In The Lost Hero,Drew used intimidation and fear to have people doing whatever she wanted,and was described as having cold,piercing eyes. Luke,while being a badass warrior and a big guy,his biggest assets are his looks and charisma. Silena is an example,and perhaps Kronos chose Luke as his second because he was well-liked. Even Drew being Aphrodite child makes a plus to me,since it makes her half-sister to Deimos and Phobos… ☆

i can agree with you on luke, and somewhat on drew, anon

and i can agree with that sentiment, as well. but also, tbh i think the sentiment is a little surface level, but that’s a whole other beast that i won’t address, bc that’s not really what this post is gonna be abt. and let me be clear, there’s nothing wrong with it being surface level

so luke, we’re good. i think kronos picked luke bc the titan knew that luke was, in fact, very good-looking. even with the scar. and even tho i do think luke had to actually work to charm ppl, he still could. not to mention both annabeth and percy had crushes on him (no one describes another guy like percy did luke unless they have at least a lil bit of a crush on the guy, fite me)

annabeth, of course, had deeper ties

but man, percy sees luke and right off the bat, despite being a little off-put by the scar, percy continues to describe luke is very pleasing terms (for the lack of a better word). even when he knew luke was evil, in som percy calls him an evil male model,,, so like...i’m just saying

anyway

the bonus with luke is that he’s a great warrior--best swordsman in the last three centuries. that’s a high title

drew, on the other hand, i can only half agree with. while i’m glad that rick didn’t go that “sexual” route with her just seducing people to get them to do her bidding, i don’t know that she’s entirely in the “girl threatens to throw someone off the side of the building” class either

for one, it is implied that drew has seduced ppl in order to break their hearts, which is fine. not like, morally fine, but in the sense that it’s okay to age-appropriately have drew “seduce” ppl for her own gains as a character in general. i’m kinda going for “let’s not slut-shame ppl” energy here, which is why i say age-appropriate and put seduce in quotes. so i hope that makes sense

for two, i wouldn’t necessarily be afraid of drew talking me into walking off a cliff or smth. lbr i can’t say how much i’d be affected by charmspeak in general, but we know that charmspeak works better when you’re attracted (or at least find the person aesthetically pleasing) to the person and when what they’re saying is smth they already believe. the magnitude of how well it works probably depends on how much they believe whatever the charmspeaker is telling them/trying to convince them of. with drew, it’s hard to tell her limits, following what we do know from piper, since ppl were scared of her. idk how hard she’s have to try if ppl feared her. it seems like it’d be harder? but that’s a tangent

for three, i also do think her being a child of aphrodite does automatically pull her toward “seduce enemy” territory. now, as you know from previous posts, i want to abolish the stereotype that love only means romantica/sexual love and beauty only means some arbitrary western standards of “““““beauty””””” but it is important to remember that stereotypes are automatic and prevalent responses to things, so it does communicate some of age-appropriate “seduction” on drew’s part

when i read, “girl threatens to throw someone off the side of a building,” i think of the scene in...i think it was the first avengers movie? when cap and black widow are on the roof of a building and the guy they’re--jk, it was the winter soldier, wasn’t it--threatening is like, “you’d never do it cap” and cap is like, “yeah, but she will” and black widow just fucking punts him right off the side of a building without a second thought

drew’s in a grey area between “seduce the villain” and “throw villain off the side of a building” bc she’s not using age-appropriate “seduction” most of the time, and it’s obvious she’s instilled quite a lot of fear in the campers at chb, so i’m not denying that

now am i saying that she has to be physically violent to fit “throw villain off the side of a building?” not at all. and you could def argue that her manipulation is violent in a sense that it’s abusive

but i wouldn’t say you can equate it to the outright violence that men often show in media (which has a lot to do with toxic masculinity, but again, tangent). so, she’s probably closer to “throw villain off the side of a building” but still in that grey area, not to mention her being a child of aphrodite and the stereotypes involved are also pulling her toward the “seduce villain” side

however, i do think if rick made her totally “throw villain off the side of a building,” even with just her charmspeak, we’d be straying into her being a true-true villain territory (she’s definitely an antagonist and not nice, at all in hoo; but like we’re talking the kind of monster that would goad someone into killing themselves). and while it’d be interesting to have a child of aphrodite, who’s a woman, be the antagonist and/or villain would have been dynamic and very interesting, there’s quite a lot to unpack and juggle with if we kept drew as drew and just put her into an antagonist and/or villain role (for example, her being japanese)

that’s all i can think of to say at the moment. thanks for your patience on this. i’m on break, but i’m also working on my thesis p much nonstop so i can propose finals week (wheee)

it’s late here, so i man not be entirely cognizant, but here’s what i got for ya

thanks for sending this in!!

FEED ME SEYMOUR

#oh god for shame! i do not even know your name #notesofananonymousnight #asked and answered #luke castellan #drew tanaka #pjo meta

[zoebechtle-blog]

Unlikely Chapter 11

Saturday I’d convinced my jailers to let me escape back to my own apartment. Niall wasn’t huge on the idea, I could tell, but I was scared of wearing out my welcome. And I really wanted to walk around in my underwear, something I would have been fine doing at his house if it wasn’t for the roommates. I was very much used to living alone, and being stuck with three guys, even though I was secretly in love with one and adored the other two was like living in a fraternity house. A very clean, well organized frat house, but nonetheless...beer bongs and FIFA. I missed my pink towels and Tocca hand soap, and quiet. I really missed quiet.

Deo had been feeling a bit neglected and pouty, which I pointed out to Niall that morning after we got out of the shower (shower sex was my new favorite because he had a detachable shower head that did glorious things. He offered to buy me one, as well. Finally, a gift I could get behind.). Their friend Matt was coming to town that afternoon, so I suggested that we go our own ways for the night, which he agreed to begrudgingly. He tried to get me to take Phil with me, but I assured him Aaron would be man enough to protect me. Besides, had he seen my right hook? I’d snuck on my phone before Niall woke up that morning, and googled my name. There was the shit I was expecting (including a not-flattering picture of me drunk at a football game in college), but also quite a few really, really nice comments. People genuinely happy for Niall, commenting on his adoring smile and lovesick expressions. I felt decent about the whole she-bang and confident about where it was all going.

A night of dinner and dancing was on the books as I headed out to Soho with Aaron, Hannah (Willie, too, was on the lads night), and Carly. We hit two gay clubs, and I decided it was my night’s mission to get Aaron laid while we danced to some of the best house music around. Never one to put style over comfort, I’d worn battered fuschia Chucks with my little black dress. I wasn’t looking to be picked up, and I couldn’t throw shapes in heels like Carly could. This was a night about letting loose with my friends after what had ended up being a very long week. And I was there for it. I was goofy and drunk and in love with the world. So naturally I started drunk texting Niall.

“Hi buggaboo! I miss youuuuu.”

“Petal . Have we been drinking ?”

“We? I assume you have.”

“Secret?”

“Yes .”

“I’ve been drinking. Shhhhhhh :)”

“Going to get Aaron laid. He needs ridden like a cowboy.”

“go mission babe”

“heyyyyyyy”

“hi pretty girl .”

“Where are you?”

“On the way to Libertine.”

“Need a ride?”

“Zo ?”

“you ok ?”

“Yeah. Sorry we’re moving bars.”

“Someone Carly knows is getting us into the teddy bear bar.”

“The Toy Room ?”

“Yes! You’re pretty and smart, Niall Horan <3”

So The Toy Room was almost as insufferable as Libertine, based on my previous experience with Paul. I was regretfully underdressed and not even my cleavage or Hannah’s mouth could get us a second look by the bartenders to get a drink. The buzz I had was wearing off and we’d lost Carly within seconds of arrival. Also, a girl waiting in the queue had called me Niall’s fat ass girlfriend. Spotted.

“Toy Room sucks.”

“Come to Libertine.”

“I’ll give them your name.

“Count to ninety,” I told Hannah.

“Giving them a timeframe?”

“Yup. No drinks in ninety seconds or we bo-”

“Excuse me?” A very large, very bald man with an in-ear headset tapped my shoulder.

I looked up at him with wide eyes. Whatever he said, I totally didn’t do it. Jess and I made eye contact, and she squeezed my hand. Aaron’s eyes were filled with fear. Hannah stood by, ready to get in between me and Lerch. The only times club security approached us we ended up getting kicked out for something. Or Carly was being arrested (it’d happened before).

“Zoe Bechtel?”

“Yes?”

“Mr. Styles would like to invite you and your friends to the private room.”

What? “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong person. I don’t know Mr. Styles.” Baldie repeated this information into his headset.

Hannah elbowed me in the ribs. “What? I don’t know him.”

Aaron then decided to lean in, “Z, it’s Harry Fucking Styles.”

“Yeah, even your mom wants him, Aaron, I know.” He flipped me off.

“Miss? He said he’s your boyfriend’s bandmate, and that he’d like to meet you.” I’m sure Harry wasn’t accustomed to people turning down his invitations.

“Is there booze?” I was going to need it.

The security guard grinned at me. “Tonnes.”

We were lead back to VIP by Clark (of course I’d asked for his name and was trying to get his life story). Aaron and Hannah each took one of my hands, and Hannah showed Clark a picture of Carly to see if he could round her up as well. I was nervous as hell and gnawing the nail on my index finger. Goddamn it, Niall. We passed a number of London celebutantes and other A Listers, and I was just staring at my Chucks. My life seemed to be a series of poor wardrobe choices.

“Zoe!” A deep Northern accent yelled at me, and before I could registered what was going on, I was lifted off the ground and my face pressed into a silky shirt. We were hugging. Okay. We’d reached hugging territory.

“Harry, put the poor girl down!” The voice of a nasally sounding woman called out, and I was forever grateful to her.

“Hiiiiiiiii,” the tall, dark haired man grinned at me.

“Hey,” I straightened my skirt and saw Hannah cracking up. “You’re Harry, I take it.”

“Yup. You’re Zoe. Even prettier than Nialler said. So glad to finally meet you.” He pinched my cheek. He pinched my fucking cheek. I resisted my urge to slap his hand, but before I could, he hugged me again.

“Jesus, Harold, paws off the merchandise!” A pretty blonde, the one who got me put down, stepped around him. “I’m Gemma, Harry’s much wiser sister.”

I shook her hand, liking her already, “Zoe. And my friends Hannah, Jess, and Aaron.”

Everyone shook hands, and Hannah went in for the hug on Harry. Aaron, too. Jess had the good sense to avoid eye contact and hide behind me - this is why she and I were friends. Apparently Niall and Harry had been texting (news to me - he rarely discussed his bandmates and I had no specific questions to ask. We talked about the experiences more than the people.), and Harry had invited him to the party he was hosting for a friend tonight. Niall had declined, but texted him a bit ago that I was at the club with friends. Harry had then showed four different security staff a picture of me that Niall had sent him, pilfered from my IG, and had me hunted down. Well, at least there was plenty of booze. Gemma hooked us up with vodka, and we were officially kind of fancy.

Harry took me around and introduced me to the pretty people who filled the lounge. Most could have cared less, and a few gave me down right withering looks, but at least they pretended to be polite since I was with Harry. I said lots of hellos, threw out fake smiles, gawked a bit, and noticed Aaron in the corner with a morning radio DJ who appeared to be quite the close talker. I settled down onto a lounge, and tried to find Hannah and Jess. As the minutes ticked by and they didn’t return, I stood to find them dancing with Gemma. Feeling too self-conscious to join them, and having been abandoned by Harry because something shiny had caught his eye, I plopped back, bored.

“Having me hunted down and brought to VIP, eh?”

“Not to be rude, but there are ppl in here wearing socks that cost more than my rent. HELP ME.”

“Hannah might be leaving Willie for Gemma, FYI.”

Messing with Niall was very little fun when he didn’t play along.

“Carly has appeared. And has her tits in H’s face. He doesn’t seem to mind.”

“My god, someone just asked me if I was Harry’s AUNT. AN AUNT, NIALL.”

“Fuck me, I just spilled half a bottle of Goose on Alexa Chung.”

“Tell Deo I’ll be his wingwoman for the rest of his life-just come here and save me from this personal moritification.”

“Niall, if you love me or even just like me a little, you will come take me away. It’s your fault I’m being made to socialize with pretty ppl.”

No sooner had I sent the last text than Harry plopped down next to me, holding a bottle of booze.

“Sorry, been a shit friend. Had to do the host thing.”

“Harry, we literally met an hour ago. You’re not a shit friend. It’s cool.” As I talked, he turned his body to face me.

“Nope. We’re gonna bond. You’re my Nialler’s girl which makes you one of my best friends by default,” he gave a smile so full of dimple that I could see what women swooned in his presence. He had his own energy cloud floating around him. “He said you like Jameson. I have tequila. Will that work?”

I shrugged, “I’m not picky.”

“Hey, I have those same shoes!” He had good taste at least.

Turns out, good tequila is really, really good. And doesn’t taste like a rattlesnake’s asshole (my previous description for cactus nectar). Also, Harry was a riot. By the time we’d done our third shot we had declared ourselves official best friends and started playing fashion police. He invited me to take over for his personal assistant on his film shoot. Or to leave Niall and marry him. When I informed him that I couldn’t be with a man who was better dressed than me, he pulled me into his lap for a cuddle. Hannah joined us, finally, and made herself at home on Harry’s other knee. I kinda of adored this big man child.

“So I take it you don’t need me to take you away anymore?” The Irish accent growled in my ear. I spun around, freeing myself from Harry’s grasp.

“Buggaboo!” I launched myself from Harry’s leg to Niall’s lap, grabbing his neck like a spider monkey, kissing his flushed cheeks.

“Hey, babe. I see you made friends,” he nudged Harry with his knee.

“Nialler!” Harry piled on our hug, squeezing me in the middle of them. Women worldwide would pay to be part of this sandwich. “I missed you!”

“Harold and I are going to take over the world,” I proclaimed.

“I like this one,” Harry motioned to me. “She’s evil.” In sync, he and I raised our hands to make claws and growled at Niall.

“What have I done?” He gave me his whole face delighted smile, and I shot my own back at him, caressing his stubble. God he looked

“Whatcha doin’ here?”

“You said if I loved you I should come take you away. So here I am.” Well, that was a very exact way to word the statement.

“Here you are,” I said back to him, slowly.

“Yup.” He bopped my nose.

“Because you love me.”

“Because I love you, Zo.”

“Cool.”

“Cool?” He lifted my chin to look in his eyes. Mine had tears in them.

“Yeah, it’s really cool. ‘Cause I love you, too.”

My text alert started buzzing at 7:00. We’d been home about 3 hours at that point, and Niall was snoring like a freight train next to me. I got up to try locate the missing iPhone, tripping over his boots and landing on a leopard print jacket I didn’t recognize. What the hell? Strange gasps were coming from the other room. Then my phone’s loud ring (Sherlock theme song, natch) started playing. What the the hell? I pulled myself up and stumbled into the living room, trying to locate my handbag. One Harry Styles was passed out on the loveseat, limbs askew. Jess was drooling on the sofa pillows. I located the offending technology and lifted it above my head like a trophy. Jess raised her head a bit and groaned. The call was from Paul.

“Where are you?” He sounded concerned. “Who are you with?”

“Home. Niall and Jess are here. And Harry Styles.” I blew a piece of hair out my face.

“Well, you’re going to want to get the boys up. The Sun tweeted pics of you on Harry’s lap last night and people are freaking the fuck out.”

“What? No, we were hanging out! I was on Niall’s lap most of the night.” I leaned against the counter, holding my head.

“And Harry giving you a piggyback ride outside. Your granny panties are showing.”

“Fuck! I was wearing Spanx.” Shit, this is no good, very bad news.

“Oh, I know, baby doll. I’m looking at them. And you assholes went to the The Toy Room without me? Rude.”

I worked my way back to my room and grabbed my iPad, flopping on the bed. “Let me call you back, Paulie.”

Niall raised his head, “What going on, babe?” I ignored him and went to the Twitter app, pulling up the The Sun’s account. Motherfucker. There I was, in all my glory, sitting on Harry’s lap, leaning back against his chest, both of us hysterically laughing. If you didn’t know it was nothing, it did looking semi-intimate. And then the offending Spanx pic - lord. You could actually see the stretch marks on my thighs. I slapped my head. Niall was following us and grabbing my ass as I clung to Harry’s back. I remembered stepping out of my untied shoe as we made our way outside. Harry scooped me up (surprisingly strong, that one. He only looks like Gumby.), and Niall grabbed the shoe. I could see very easily how someone would get the wrong idea about this picture. Jess and Carly were right behind Niall (Hannah had been dragged home by Willie after she tried to kiss Gemma and Aaron had disappeared with the DJ), but they’d been cropped out. We went out a backdoor into a waiting car. I didn’t recall even seeing photographers. I covered my mouth. I looked like a drunken slag.

Niall peered over my shoulder at the tablet, and made a noise that I would only describe as animalistic. “MotherFUCKERS! These are fucking cell picss - it was someone in VIP. The only person in the alley were employees of the club. I’ll fucking have them fired.” He grabbed his phone and started firing off a text.

I still sat in shock. My God, my patients’ parents would see this. My coworkers would see this. “I look like I’m about to take on both of you. My God, Niall. I look like a whore!” Tears ran down my cheeks silently.

“You’re not a whore, baby. You didn’t do anything! Fucking FUCK. You made us get kebabs and you fucking tucked in Jess and Harry. You walked Carly to her damned door because ‘bad people lurk, Niall!’”

My voice had approached shrieking, “Yeah, well, that’s not obvious here!”

Jess poked her head in the open door, “Zo, you okay?” I looked at her, shell shocked. It takes a fair amount to rattle me to the core, but we’ve reached that level. Ni looked terrified.

“C’mere.” Jess sat down beside me and wrapped me up in her arms, whispering words of comfort.

“HAROLD!” Niall got up and walked into the living room, and we heard him rattling Harry awake. “Look at this fucking horseshit!” Harry was still 90% asleep and drunk, and he groaned and made weird noises. “Look at this, Haz! They’re dragging Zoe through the fucking mud!”

“What the hell?” From the bed, we could see Harry sit up and take the iPad. “Shit. These aren’t pap shots. That was someone in the alley.”

“Yep.”

“It was one of the people out smoking, I bet. Look at the angle. Jesus Christ.” The two stared at one another, communicating silently.

“Yeah.” Niall was pulling his hair.“Get your goddamn lawyers on the phone. I’ll pay whatever fees. I want this shit gone!” I buried my head back into Jess’s shoulder.

“It’s a whole new world, baby girl.” She kissed my hair as Niall started talking to someone on the phone. Kimmy, if I was gathering it correctly. Harry was on his phone, too, talking in a low voice.

“Guys.” I walked out into the living room. Niall turned from the kitchen window, and Harry covered the speaker on his phone, reaching his hand out to me.

“I’m so sorry, Z.” He looked heartbroken, and I mussed his short hair.

“S’okay.”

“The pictures are out there, yeah?” Niall walked back into the room and sat down on the couch beside me, and put this phone on speaker. “Kim, Zoe is talking.”

“Hi, Kimmy. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.” What a way to wake up on a Sunday morning - I could verify. “Anyhow, the pics are out. They’ve been retweeted. Even if The Sun pulled them would it make a difference?”

“It could,” Harry started, as Kim said, “Not really.”

We finally decided that Harry would have his attorneys look into it. He called a security guard to retrieve him and Jess, and gave me hugs, apologizing for the incident. He was headed to France to start the film soon, but he promised to be in touch. He and Niall bro-hugged and leaned their heads in, whispering to one another. I hated that me being stupid was causing Niall issues. For a boy that a week ago had really never had much public drama, he was sure getting his taste now.

He put on a huge (fake) smile. “D’ya want breakfast? We could get something delivered?” I shook my head and walked back into the bedroom, throwing myself on the mattress. My face rested on the pair of offending Spanx, and I threw them against the wall. Niall stood in the doorway and stared, chewing on his poor, abused thumbnail.

“I’m so sorry, Niall.” I said it more into my pillow than outloud. God, he’d just finally told me he loved me last night, and less than twelve hours later I wouldn’t blame him if he cut bait. “This is humiliating for you.” When all else failed, my natural instinct was to blame myself. I suddenly felt fifteen again. Kyle the Worst, my high school boyfriend, had been caught cheating on a geometry exam and kicked off the football team. It was my fault because I hadn’t prepared him for it properly, and the bruised ribs I got the evening after he was removed were my punishment. When I fought back, he slapped me across the face.  When my mom saw the wounds and told my dad, he agreed that Kyle might have been out of line, but really, why else would he be dating the smart girl? (My dad taught me how to throw a punch when I was 8 in case of bullies, but the ones you date didn’t count, I guess.) That’s how my brain processed the first twenty plus years of my life, and right now, I was back there. Seven years of progress being pushed to the side.

“Zoe, why the fuck are you sorry? Baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. My God, no.” Niall knew this story. I’d told him one night in his dark bedroom, my face buried in his chest as he rubbed my shoulders. He just listened and told me they were wrong. So wrong.

He fell on the bed and pulled me into his lap. “I’m not humiliated, I’m pissed off at the idiot who took those pics, The fuckin’ Sun, and anyone who thinks they have to right to say shit about you. I fuckin’ love you. I love you so much. I meant it when I said it last night. Wanted to tell you forever but I was too big of a pussy. My heart is breakin’ because you’re hurt and it’s because you’re with me.” He was crying, too. My God, I’d made him cry.

“No! No crying!” I furiously rubbed at his cheeks, trying to get them stop by friction alone.

“Then no cryin for you,” he mimed my actions, making me laugh. “There’s m’girl. Listen,” he lowered his eyes so we were staring directly at one another, “I will fight someone to the death for you. It’s only been two months, but I’m pretty sure you’re the love of me life, Zo. I knew I loved you the second I saw your smile in person. Cupid shot me in my arse. I tried to pretend it was somethin’ else until that night you played with my hair and wore my hat. I was so far gone for ya. Ya get me. You’re smart and kinda. Ya make me laugh my tits off. And you’re the prettiest woman I’ve ever met, inside and out. Everytime I see ya I feel like my heart is gonna jump out of my chest.”

Well now the tears were for a completely different reason.

[gabedormer]

hey it’s me , rat baby ( it’s z ) and here is my new child . LEMME RAMBLE TO YOU ABT HIM

abuse tw , illness tw , alcoholism tw , death tw 

&&. DYLAN O’BRIEN | HE/HIS | CISMALE —— that is GABRIEL DORMER. the TWENTY FOUR year old who is a GUNNER on board poseidon’s curse. it is rumored that gabriel is ADAPTABLE  && RECKLESS. while on board, gabriel is watching JOSEFINE FRIDA PETTERSON until the ransom comes through.

BIOGRAPHY

gabe was born in england to william and margaret dormer . he has 2 siblings -- an older sister ( 3 yrs older ) and a younger brother ( 2 yrs younger ) . they were a happy family up until he was 13 , ofc with the normal struggles for a lower class family , but they were surviving -- until they weren’t . gabe and his dad weren’t getting as much work as blacksmiths , they were hungry , and they were sick . ultimately , gabe’s mom and little brother died bc of their illness . they started doing better for a lil afterward bc  ... less mouths to feed .... but emotionally they were all devastated . some families could become closer after an event like that , but .... not these folks 

after they died , nothing was the same . gabe’s sister basically started filling in the parent role as their dad started wasting money on w.e alcohol he could find and he became a Trash Parent . he couldn’t deal with his grief and he would come home to his kids angry and upset 

when gabe was 16 & his sister was 19 , she decided she wanted to leave . she wanted to take gabe with her , they were v close and relied on each other a lot , but despite their dad’s abuse , gabe didn’t want to leave him . she tried her hardest to get him to come with , but he wouldn’t budge , and said he would be fine on his own . with LOTS of convincing , she left , and then it was just him and his dad . 

it took 3 more years before gabe left on his own . he still didn’t want to leave , but he knew he’d probably die if he stayed . he’d hid some money away from his dad , he grabbed what he had , and took off

for about a year and a half he was travelling around the country , finding work where he could , and got damn did he love it . he didn’t always have food to eat , nor a place to sleep , but that didn’t scare him . it excited him ! 

the idea of becoming a pirate didn’t appear until he was staying at a bar and he met one of the crew members of the poseidon’s curse and they were happy drunk nd just sharing stories and they told him about their life and he was like ‘ so ... can i join lmao ’ and then however u join a band of pirates , he did that ! and he’s been with them ever since . best decision of his life . he tried out a few things while working on board , but he loves being a gunner and that’s what he does best 

and it’s like it was meant to BE bc gabe doesn’t drink v often for  ...... obvious reasons ..... but this one time he managed to stumble upon the person who would set him up for the best adventure of his life 

OTHER CHARACTER INFO

adaptable: able to adjust to new conditions. simple as that ! it’s easy for him to adjust to situations that he’s thrown in , which is why he loves the spontaneity of being a pirate . he’s able to hand anything that’s thrown his way .

reckless: without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action. he’s vvvvvv impulsive . if something seems like a good idea , he will do it . once he thinks about something he wants to do , that’s all there is to it . he likes having the freedom to do whatever he likes , within ( some ) reason , like if cap gives orders then his impulse control can kick in , but other than that ...... EH ..... he was restricted for too long in his home so being away from that situation has just upped his need to be able to do w.e he wants . 

he went by gabriel at home , in his childhood ( the whole family was really religious up until The Deaths ) . after he left , tho , he started going by gabe . 

he’s pansexual and grey-romantic . he likes to have fun ! he’s met lots of ppl and one night stands are 👌👌 he’ll love u for a night and then that’s it . he v ... v rarely ... feels a romantic attraction for anybody . it’s definitely possible ! but rare . he’s felt romantic feels toward ppl but it’s like ‘ i wanna hold hands and adventure w. u and kiss but also if u try to initiate a relationship i’ll panic immediately ’ ( relatable ) . when it does happen , he’s mostly feels romantic attraction toward men , but there have been a few women . i’d say he’s only been in like .. 2 short relationships tho 

he doesn’t rly care for the royals . he doesn’t like them , but he doesn’t despise them either . it’s a job , he wants cash . and he’s honestly pretty laid back for the most part so they can complain as much as they wANT and he’ll just nod like ‘ yeah , no , i totally get that , yep ’

but he is a fighter tho  ..... he likes to fight ...... he’s got a lot of pent up aggression and if someone manages to piss him off ! yikes ! 

he’s got heterochromia ! or however u spell that word ! his left eye is brown , right eye is green

he loves nature a lot and clouds and stars and the moon he’s aLL about it

he tells most ppl that he’s an orphan even tho his dad was still alive n kickin when he left . after all these yrs , it could be true and it feels true , so that’s the story he goes with . 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

the person who got him to come on the PC in the first place ! i imagine they’d be kinda close like that’s the first connection he made with a pirate and stuff ( open )

childhood friends . so  .... anyone from england and they prob strayed apart , maybe after his mom and brother died or smthn ( open & open )

one night stand . ( openx100 )

best friend ( open ) they’re rly close FAM be one of the two ppl who can get gabe to not act on impulse all the time lmao 

close friends ( open & open & open ) or give the boy a squad PLS 

a royal that can actually piss him off ( open ) 

a pirate that can actually piss him off -- maybe they’ve gotten into a fight before ? ( open & maybe 1 more open )

unlikely friends . presumably one of the royals . he’s chill w. most ppl but like maybe they’re actually on the road to developing a True Friendship 

one sided feels . someone that has feelings for gabe and maybe they had a one night thing or maybe they like him for his personality for some reason and they want more but he can’t give it to them : / 

i’m open to everything else on planet earth thank u !

#pchqintro #☠️°° OUT OF CHARACTER. #abuse tw #death tw #illness tw #UHHHHH #this got much longer than i expected LOL

[leearosa]

DAY 105

i miss the freedom. when i’m in nj, i’m caged and shut down. i don’t even know how i came to be like that. it’s just like somewhere along the way while living in nj for about 18 years, i became small and chained down. then the summer of 2016 happened. i went to a place where i could be myself. isn’t that crazy?! for so long i’ve been living as someone else but it wasn’t me.. and then after 18 freaking years i was set free by being sent into one specific place far away and i tasted the joy of freedom. just the thought of how f***n crazy that is… how the change from one state to another could be so drastic. how during that summer i started to see glimpses of my true self. for the first time in my life… isn’t that ridiculous? in georgia, i wasn’t some stupid laughing stock that just played it off because i was “cool with it”. yes, like always, most ppl in georgia did make fun of me a lot. but it was different. it wasn’t condescending. it wasn’t mockery. it wasn’t disrespect. it wasn’t anything that held me down or scarred me. i was made fun of because they said i was “easy to get along with and someone special that stood out.” i was someone “whose presence brought joy to the whole group”. i was someone who “attracted people that are often closed off and cold hearted”. that’s who God made me to be… but God, why am i living in a place where there’s none of that? in a place where i want to cut off all connection. in a place where my eyes have a hard time seeing hope. what’s Your reason? i guess it makes the true freedom that much more special. God, i’m sure You have many other reasons.. but i’m stuck. i went back to school after the summer refreshed and free and i thought i could pour out onto others. i thought it was possible. i tried to seek You through it all. but God, i’m left bitter and angry again. there’s a truth in my heart that i don’t like to say out loud. it sounds immature, selfish and narrow-minded. and i probably am, but you already know my heart and honestly i can’t help what i feel. so.. yeah. i hate this place i’m in. i don’t know if it’s the north or i don’t know if it’s my school. or i don’t know if it’s my specific friend group and community. but i really don’t know if i care anymore. just like sodom and gomorrah was destroyed, i just want it to end and i want to walk away. i’m sick of all the pharisees blabbering. i’m sick of all the stupid distractions. just shut up and get over your damn selves. i’m sick of finding myself becoming like them. i catch myself becoming like them and i start to hate myself. God, show me… do you have bigger plans that my ignorance can’t see? show me your plans.. if you are going to destroy the place, tell me to drop it and leave… or tell me to do what you want me to do and tell me that i can leave soon. the past year, i’ve been trying to see this in a positive light, but this is way too extreme. the story of sodom and gomorrah keeps showing up in my QTs and p.e. first mentioned it a year ago. i doubted it thinking that it was a bit extreme, but i’m starting to really believe it’s over in this place. i hope not but God, whatever the truth is, reveal it to me so that i may follow Your word.

anyways, my point is that i’m suppressed and i can’t do anything. i have a lot of joy that i want to share, but i can’t because that joy is gone again. i have a lot of ideas to grow as brothers and sisters, but i can’t because i can’t really find people that are on board. i want to grow and become more like Christ, but i can’t because my anger and bitterness keeps growing. i want to fix my eyes on God, but i can’t because i’m fearful and i can’t move. my vision is blurred and my ignorance is expanding.

i remember when i was in georgia, one of the first things people constantly kept saying to me was “it’s so weird how well you fit in with us. it’s as if you were always here.” i took it with a grain of salt. they’re probably being nice and it’s probably just because this place is very open and unified. then God started to show me that’s not exactly what they meant. after i was new to the church/community, a few other new people came, and it wasn’t the same as when i came. i started to see the gift God planted in me. the gift of unifying people and bringing rich joy and laughter. i thought the church was pretty unified already, but it turns out that wasn’t what i was seeing. the people around me really let me know that i unified people that have never really talked before. the few “colder” people in the community would show interest (not in that way lol) in me when they usually don’t open up to anyone. JS?! i didn’t even know he was distant from the church/community until people told me because he was so nice and friendly to me. even to this day, he reaches out to me here and there. he freaking gave me a birthday present. he drove me multiple times to the airport… he’s not one to do that.. apparently.

also p.dan told me before i left that he usually doesn’t like it when people stay over his place for long periods of time, but he said for me it’s okay. he said he’s gonna miss me and that i’m always welcome to come back.. he even sternly and 100% seriously tried to convince me to move in GA. he said that i have a gift of making people happy and comfortable. he said that he thinks i’m a person that would be liked by most people anywhere i go. and a few times he told me that he usually doesn’t troll or joke around with people, but for some reason when he sees me, he just wants to make fun of me and joke…. wow i was so touched by everything he said because i especially know he doesn’t just say things for the hell of it.. you know what, i’ve accepted the fact that wherever i go, literally almost everyone will make fun of me. it’s totally fine in georgia. i’m honestly so glad people can laugh and feel comfortable around me. like, thank the Lord that people become UNIFIED through that. but in nj it’s a ffffin problem to the community and to me. i think everyone fails to realize that yeah i don’t really get offended at one or two jokes. like i’m originally not a sensitive person, but when you walk around and everyone jokes about you like you’re a stupid kid with no feelings, it ruins you. i have a hard time remembering that my existence is not a joke. when everyone treats you a certain way, it’s hard not to believe it.

there’s p.e., who really values me and loves me and takes care of me so much and i really see that. p.dan, someone who usually doesn’t, has said so many genuine and nice things to me. hansol became one of my best friends after a few months of meeting each other. she freaking pursued me. she actually thought i was cool and tried hard to become my friend. who would’ve thought anyone would pursue me. i made so many good memories with 2 of my loving unnis carol and cindy. they opened up about really vulnerable stuff that only their best friends know about.. what?? that requires a lot of trust. cindy threw me a birthday surprise and got me gifts. life group got me more gifts. they actually got me a curry shirt because i was fanning during the 2016 finals. literally everyone bought me food at least once. who does that? who buys so many things for someone cold and closed off.. someone they just met a month ago..? when i was leaving GA, i got so many goodbye gifts… ??? who does that?!? i’m still good friends with d ahn. he teaches me a lot about nba. we keep in touch a lot. picked me up from the airport. bought me food. and so much more…. so many oppas that are nice to me. so many unnis that i really really look up to.

even though i was so cold to everyone at first, they welcomed me and loved on me. God’s grace… my goodness… nobody can ever understand the uncommon amount of love i received… like i was sooo loved like never before..

when i first started to grasp this concept of everything people were saying to me, i felt uncomfortable, i’m not used to hearing such good news and compliments. but in the midst of the burden of awkwardly accepting the love, i started to heal and i started to understand and find my identity.

i don’t think i’ll really share this in front of other people because it just comes off weird. sounds like bragging and it must sound weird. rather than blowing up pride, i think just remembering the impact of my presence in GA strengthens me and reminds me that God worked through me and that i am not useless.

my last sunday in GA, i was brought up to be prayed for. aight i hate crying in front of people, but that day, i was sobbing in front of like a hundred people. i was so embarrassed and ugly. i miss them so much.. everyone.. even the people i barely talked to. i miss them so much it’s not funny…. but here i am, back to stone-hearted anna…

sigh. well anyways, this post is definitely unorganized and messy because there’s way too much that’s just running through my mind, but the reason i’m even writing this is because i’m starting to become numb and forget. i want to fight to remember the miracles you’ve given me, God. there is always hope. thank You so much for georgia.. my heart is heavy. heal me Lord. renew my mind. humble me.

[tcalchemist]

Down The Rabbit Hole And Back Again. Wow. I haven't posted anything on here in over a year. Crazy, ain't it? So much has happened. For starters, I have dreads now. Started my loc journey back in April. If nothing else teaches me patience, this will. I fell out of love, fell back in love, and fell out of love again. I also came out to my family. But obviously, everyone knew of course. And they took it very well. My stepmom, Kim, who I've "hated" since day one, is probably the best stepmom ever now. She's more caring, more patient, still crazy of course, but much more loving now. She had a conversation w/ my older sister not too long ago and told her that she's very overprotective of me. That she believes there isn't a woman in this world that's good enough for me. Never in a million years did I ever see us being as close as we are now. It's insane. My best friend got married back in September. Unfortunately I couldn't be there because my job, that I am no longer working at, was on complete bullshit. I still feel bad for not being there for her. On the bright side she came back home in January and has been here since. This is the longest she's been here since she left for school back in 2011. I'm going to miss her so much when she leaves for Cali in a couple of weeks. I'm always missing her. Now we can get to the good stuff. The woman I fell in love with. After things fell through btwn the DJ that I was dating early last year, I convinced myself that I was good on love. I said fuck feelings and focused on performing and avoiding my feelings as much as possible. Until I went to my friend's studio session back in October. I'm sitting upstairs (I lowkey call it Bird's Eye View) writing my verse that I'm getting ready to lay down, and a girl comes walking upstairs w/ one of her friends and sits next to me, as they continue their prior conversation. I'm obviously red in the face and staring this gorgeous woman down, as if I've never seen anyone more beautiful. She was light-skinned w/ long, turquoise and blue locs, pretty light-brown eyes w/ an outfit on that I'd wear. The fact that I can still remember what she had on that day is crazy. She had on blue jeans, gold gym shoes, a white crew neck sweater that was set up like a bible verse that said, "Thou shalt not cometh for me unless I sendeth for thee." She also had on a black skull cap that said "ill" on it. All of this from one look. I had to introduce myself. And sure enough, I did. "Hey! My name is Crimson! Nice to meet you!" My dumbass introduced myself to this girl using my stage name. How. Stupid. 🤦🏾‍♀️ Sure enough, we end up talking and got really cool really REALLY fast. We just, clicked. She was funny, awkward, and super enlightened. I don't think I've ever connected with someone so smoothly other than Kelsey. In a way, things moved a bit fast. But, at the time, it seemed like we had known each other much, much longer. Unfortunately, things got complicated. The girl that she was previously in a relationship with, wanted her back. What's worse is she claimed the two kids her ex had w/ her ex husband. Sure enough, they ended up back together. I was glad that she was honest with me about it, but at the same time sad that whatever was going on btwn us had to end. I was fine being just friends with her, and I was willing to try to be just that, just as long as she was. So we tried. That lasted for about an hour. 🙄🤦🏾‍♀️😂 So, here I am, hanging with this girl and going out, spending all of my spare time with her, and she's in a full-fledge relationship with her ex, who didn't deserve to be with her at all. After a while, she noticed and realized that her ex didn't change her ways, that she blatantly didn't give a fuck about her issues, and was overly insecure about everything. What her gf lacked in, I had to make up for all of it. If she needed a ride, I had her. She wanted to relieve some stress, I was there for her. When she had to go to the doctor and she was afraid to go alone, I was right by her side. I was in love with her, way before my mind even could conjure up such a thought. A feeling. Something that I told myself I never wanted to feel for someone again. The day after Christmas, she broke up with her gf. In a way, I was happy because I knew she deserved way better. But I was also sad, because I knew she wanted things to work out with her girl, yet her gf didn't even realize the amazing woman that she had. And of course, I was there for her through all of it. Trying to mend a broken heart, and at the same time trying to keep my feelings in check. A few weeks later, things got rocky btwn her and I. After I got back from visiting California in early December, I got let go from my job. I honestly hated the job, but it was the worst time for me to start losing shit. My grandmother ended up losing our house because it became too much to try to keep it. I took it really hard, only because I know how much she loved her house, and I felt weak for not being able to do more to help her keep it. So my attitude started to change. We got into it about the smallest shit. Unnecessary shit that could've been simply discussed. She was helping me out as far as gas money, and whatever else I needed. For anyone that knows me, knows that I hate asking other ppl for help and relying on others. I felt weak that I couldn't provide at the time, and I took it out on her. All she wanted to do was help me, and I acted like a jackass towards her. And then, the icing on the cake. She's an artist, so she was getting ready for an art show that she was doing all by herself. I wanted to help in any way I could, so I told her that I'd take care of the DJ part for the show. What I didn't tell her is that the DJ and the girl that I was talking to before her were the same person. Bad, terrible fucking move, I know. I just knew that if I told her, she wouldn't have wanted her to do it. She cussed me out, said she could never trust me, and said that she was done with me and hung up on me. I never felt so terrible in my life. For days I was just trying to figure out how I could make things right with her. How I could get back one of the best things that ever happened to be part of my life? I had to be patient. She ended up calling me about two weeks later. And said she wanted to start ovr. As friends. A month passes and her art show comes up. She's nervous and anxy, trying to make sure everything goes right. I take up the responsibility to help in whatever way that I can, all because I knew how important her first solo art show was to her. The fucking DJ comes late, and when she does come, she sets up the speakers, leaves a playlist on, and leaves. If it's any mistake I've ever made it was talking to that careless, nonchalant piece of shit. Fuck her. Anywho the show was a success. Everything was perfect. At the end, she made a speech thanking everyone for coming out. She also gave a special thank you to her best friend, and my homeboy, Calvin; her mother, whom she dedicated her art show to; and lastly, to myself. I was beyond shocked. I wasn't even expecting it due to the fact that she lowkey hated my guts still. On Valentine's Day, I decided to call her and let her know how I really felt about the "just friends" situation. As I'm trying to talk to her, I notice someone saying something to her in her background. As if someone was whispering something in her ear. She was obviously with some chick and said that she'd call me later. I was so crushed in that moment. How could she move on so fast as if all that had happened btwn us didn't even exist? Later that night she called me back and I told her what it was. That I couldn't just be friends with her. I tried and tried but I knew that I wanted her to be in my life as more than that. "So that's it?" she says. I respond with a dry "Yeah." She says ok and hangs up on me. Immediately right after, she blocked me on all social media and my phone number. *Fast Forward Months Later* May. My birthday month. I threw an event with a few friends of mine. I'm good, I was working two jobs, and doing shows back to back. I also started talking to an older woman who had been crushing on me for years. My life is finally getting back to where it needed to be. Until I ran into her at my event. And sure enough, she's with her girl. All my emotions crashed down in that one moment. She said hey to me in an excitedly, fake way, and gave me a hug. So I played along. *quick reverse* She cut all of her hair off before her show. *back to the story* She starts to comment on my hair and the fact that I started my locs after she cut hers off. As I'm telling her how I had already made my mind up to start them a year later but instead I said to hell with it and just started them this year, someone else she knew walked up and started talking to her. So I did the most logical thing at he moment, and walked away. All of the feelings I had for her rushed back down. She looked so good, I couldn't stand it. So here I am, back in my feelings about the girl I could've been with for the rest of my life. I feel as if I just might need closure. If I can talk to her face to face, maybe I could fully move on, and actually give this new girl a chance. I don't know. All I know is that I've developed an unconditional love for a woman who probably wouldn't even bat an eye if I were to get killed tomorrow. Okay that might be a bit extra but, you never know. The only thing I know is that I love her. I'll always love her, no matter what. If I had a chance to go back in time to change my selfish ass actions, I would. I just pray that she's happy and becoming more and more amazing, and being shown the love that I could not give her. I love and miss you, Asia.