#but lately a lot of people have come to me saying they discovered my stuff through pinterest

[canisalbus]

I had a scrap piece of paper and drew the little freakish dog 👍 I have been silently enjoying your art for like a couple months now? I found it randomly on uploaded Pinterest and was like “oh huh that’s rad” and yeah he’s such a lovely sad little beast

.

#oooh another tiny machete sighting! #I don't know but I find it just so endearing that people are out there doodling his weird little face #on post it notes corners of scrap paper and at work #I do that too but then again I'm rotating him in my head at least fifteen times a day so I kind of have to #the WHISKERS ah #scruffy little animal #putting him in my pocket and taking him to the grocery shop as we speak #thank you! and I'm glad you've been enjoying my art! #I've always had a little difficult relationship with pinterest because a lot of art gets uploaded there without proper sources or credit #and whenever a piece of yours gets reposted sourcelessly often enough you kind of end up losing ownership to it which isn't fun #it gets used without artist's consent as bootleg prints and shirts and tattoos and such #but lately a lot of people have come to me saying they discovered my stuff through pinterest #or had seen my character there and recognized it later when they came across one of my own posts #and it's always very nice to hear that I'm glad you've found me here #but I'm getting very off topic didn't mean to ramble like that #gift art #answered #wwildcatt #own characters #Machete

[stevetown]

A Tumblr Quick Start Guide

A year ago, I realized that every time I logged onto Twitter, I felt my blood pressure rise. It's a platform that runs on anger and outrage, and I wanted someplace better to spend my screen time. In my almost-year on Tumblr, I now realize I log on here and get one or two good laughs every time I check my dashboard.

Tumblr has given me a lot lately, but it is a bit different than other platforms. I'd like to give back a little and provide a quick-start guide on how being new to Tumblr worked for me.

Finding Things to Follow

The biggest thing I had to get used to was realizing that on Tumblr, you don't necessarily follow people or celebrities or politicians. You follow your interests. In fact, it's pretty common to follow only strangers that post things you like. That can make your empty dash daunting to fill! Let's fill it with things you love and make you happy.

Make a list, mental or otherwise, of things you're interested in. Be both broad and specific! Board Games. Magic The Gathering. Supernatural. Marvel. Video Games. 8-Bit. Urban planning. Any and all things that you like!

Pick one of your interests and search for that tag. Flip between "Latest" and "Top" and browse around to see what kind of content is in that tag. You'll notice images, art, gif sets, TikToks, videos, essays - all sorts of things!

If you see a lot of things you like, cool! Click the button to Follow that tag if you want to keep up to date on it and find things later (we'll come back to this).

If you see a post you love, check out who posted or reblogged it. Scroll around on their blog. Do they post similar stuff? Are there other things you like here? Are they posting often? If you like what they post, follow the blog! Congrats, you've followed your first blog!

Take some time and check out some other tags and follow the same process - follow tags you like and blogs you might be interested in. It's not possible to over-follow! You can always curate your list later. This isn't Twitter - no one cares if you unfollow someone. Find what makes you happy.

Go back to your main dashboard - how are things looking? Filled with things you're interested in? Excellent. If things don't work for you, don't be afraid to unfollow blogs.

Want to follow more blogs? New episode of Andor drop? Go to the "Your Tags" header and scroll around to find some more juicy content. Check out blogs you like, follow 'em if you like em, rinse and repeat! That's curating your dash!

Your Blog is Your House

Okay, so you have a dashboard of content that you like - but what do you do with it all? Someone once described a Tumblr blog to me like your little house that you can fill with all the things you like. There is no rhyme or reason, and you don't need an excuse to reblog something other than the fact that you liked it!

If you see something you like, reblog it! To me, I reblog things when I say "I like this and I want it to live in my house so other people can see it when they come visit"

Reblogging is like passing a message along to other people. You can just reblog it on its own to amplify it, or you can add your own tags, or if you have a funny reaction gif/thought/video/thousand-word-essay, add to it when you reblog!

Use tags. People actually find posts through tags here. Use them to help people discover that really cool reblog you found! You can also search for tags on specific blogs. This makes them great for categorizing posts on your own blog. For example, I use #2022 Game Journal when I blog about whatever game I'm playing so I can do a year-end review later and find all the posts later.

Like things too. Likes don't amplify posts, but they're nice to let a poster know you appreciated it! I also use likes a bookmark. Sometimes I don't have time to watch that TikTok, so I'll like it as a reminder to come back to it later.

Be Weird. You can have sideblogs to hold more specific content, but don't be afraid to just scoop up anything you like and put it in your house! Reblogging is how content gets passed around.

Random Blog Tips

Wow nice job, your blog's looking great! Before you know it, someone will find it, check out your posts, and maybe give you a follow if they like what you've made or what your reblog! The last thing I'll touch on here are some nitty-gritty tips that can help you think about all the meta stuff about Tumblr:

Tumblr is the most anonymous social media platform. No one has to know who you are. Take advantage of all the privacy options.

You can also hide likes and who you follow from public view - that's no one else's business! Turn off asks too if you want.

Play around with your settings in general - there are lots of customization options and other dash tabs that you can use to find new content. You can also turn on timestamps so you know if a post you see is a "heritage post," as they say. Content is evergreen here and I personally like to see that in action.

You can filter and hide tags that you don't want to see.

Just block people liberally, it's cool.

You can pay to remove ads (nice), but you can also leave the option to see Blazed posts on. Blazed posts are ones that people pay for impressions for - and any post can be Blazed. The kicker is, there's no ad targeting. It can be quite funny or quite annoying depending on what you want.

When viewing the notes on a post, you'll see comments, reblogs, and likes. For the reblogs section, I like to filter by "Comments only" to find what people have added to the post.

Like all social media sites, there are dark corners here. I think Tumblr more than most puts you in control to curate your Dashboard to only see what you want. Block a user, hide a post, and move on.

That should be quite enough to get started! Tumblr can take a little more time to "get" compared to other social media platforms (and get in on the long-running jokes!), but trust me, after a week, you'll notice the difference between checking your Tumblr dashboard and checking your Twitter timeline.

Your blood pressure will thank you.

#tumblr #twitter #twitter refugees #tips #getting started

[the-s1lly-corner]

I got an idea from the child reader request.

Like the same wolf in sheep's clothing concept but like FULL SWEET TO DARK PERSONALITY.

Wanna hear?

So basically child reader is like cute and innocent at first sight but IS A TOTAL DEMON, Having a very dark sense of humor, Sometimes out of nowhere walk up to someone of the gang and threaten to gouge out their eyes while they sleep, they are always with an cute expression but turns out that they like to cause chaos and havoc just like Jax but in a more creepy way.

For example, SOMEHOW reader is caught hanging from the ceilling scaring the fuck out of gangle just because its fun. Or staying in the dark waiting for someone so they can jumpscare them.

Basically child reader uses their cute-kid as an advantage to scare others off.

TADC x child!reader who is a menace! (platonic)

wasnt quite sure what to title this so!! some segments may be shorter than others since im still trying to get a hand of writing/coming up with ideas for certain characters (cough cough gangle) (i love her sm but shes so hard for me to write idk why) hope you enjoy! majority of this post is just me tormenting the cast TToTT

CAINE:

oh my god you kind of remind him of bubble but more... flkmddlvm

makes a time out rule when you keep making threats to the other circus members, that behavior is not family friendly!

he might even consider trying to go into the code and censoring your common phrases as well as some other words, if he has the capabilities for that

still tries to be a dad to you, though, wants to be a good role model and guide you in the right direction for the sake of everyone else

the first time you say something... morbid to him he just

slack jawed, stares at you before shaking himself back to reality and just

bro is astonished he was not ready to hear that today, let alone hear it from a small child

POMNI:

you know how in the other post with a child!reader i mention that pomni is vaguely uncomfortable around kids since she knows they can dish out some real cruelty

take this idea and multiply it by 10x

actually looks like that one sad spongebob meme with the big eyes and tear when shes put in charge of keeping an eye on you during an in house adventure

meek attempt to get you to behave

not much to say here imo, since its like an amped up version of the last post :O

JAX:

makes a joke about how youre already entering your edgy phase, he now has to watch his back lest some of his digital fur be shaved off

fear does not come close to describing how he feels when he discovers that you somehow found keys to some peoples rooms. he hopes you dont have a key to his room

and he thought he was hot shit, but no some random kid makes him fear the consequences of his actions

is this his punishment for his constant bullshit? what did he do in particular to deserve this?

instinctively looks up at the ceiling when he enters a room to make sure youre not about to drop on him

congrats, youve instilled fear into the funny rabbit

RAGATHA:

the 'nightmare kid' thing some babysitters go through at least once in their life, but instead of tantrums and such its just you talking about how you sometimes tear apart the dolls that came with your room. to the doll person

very uncomfortable by a lot of the stuff you casually say, even more so because its coming from a kid. though i think she would be uncomfortably be talk like that in general

SWEARS that one day shes going to blink and youll suddenly be right next to her or within her proximity

like on one hand she wants to try to guide you to be less dark, like caine, but i think she would need someone to back her up because she cannot get the image of the torn up dolls out of her head

KINGER:

poor man

like even if the things you said were empty threats, he would be scared shitless

if he isnt already in his fort, hes retreating to it the second he sees you around

kind of funny since kinger is in his late late 40s and youre a kid and hes terrified of you

anyways

less of a discomfort thing and more so scared that youre going to go through with the things you say

he walked into the common area one day and saw you literally crawling across the walls, he was with gangle when he saw it. you see his irises of his eyes shrink

doesnt even bother going to his fort, which is under where you currently are

he just

slowly

backs away, he can find refuge in his room... unless you have a key to his room

ZOOBLE:

less discomfort more annoyance with zooble, i think that while she would find it funny when a kid swears she finds people talking like that to be cringe; kid or not

the only one who isnt really scared of you. sure you threaten to disassemble them constantly and hide their pieces across the grounds to assure they can never be whole again, but they're just internally cringing while you try to make them turn away

in a weird way you two create an odd dynamic where you just go on and zooble just halfway listens, you kinda just talk at them

like while caine tries to be your dad, and ragatha tries to be.. something.. zooble is like a weird 'friend'

probably has the most potential to become a friend and get you to chill, but thats just based on my experience

like if its an attention/reaction thing, zooble isnt going to give it to you, which kind of. ruins the point of it for you, and you just

stop, or at least tone it down over time

or maybe thats just me seeing zooble having the potential to be an older sibling figure

GANGLE:

the gif is gangle when you get your hands on her

i understand that she cries easily, but like, you have probably made her cry at least once either on accident or on purpose

i think shes one of the few characters out of the cast who would probably start avoiding you for the sake of her emotional state, but she would feel bad about it since at the end of the day you're a kid

refuses to go anywhere near you when her comedy mask is broken, because otherwise shes a glum mess

you know how in poppee the performer, kedamono's mask sometimes just. pops off when he gets scared or surprised (well it happens regardless of expression/mood but yk)

gangle does that when she sees you LITERALLY CRAWLING ON THE WALLS LIKE A BUG

how are you even doing that

she doesnt wanna know, actually

"imma tie you up double knotted style" *high pitched crying*

#tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #digital circus x reader #caine x reader #pomni x reader #jax x reader #ragatha x reader #kinger x reader #zooble x reader #gangle x reader

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

Late Bloomer Boyfriend: Bang Chan

Disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes only. Think about it. Have hard thoughts. Don't take it too seriously.

18+ only.

Also, this pic...omg, it makes me want to write a 10 day Daddy!Chan series because I am drooling violently.

I am going to tentatively say that out all of my late bloomer boyfriend analysis THUS FAR.

Bang Chan.

Daddy Chan.

Would be THE BEST late bloomer boyfriend and here is WHY...

Firstly, the man has a very obvious caregiver complex (at least, I think it's very obvious) and so he naturally attracts/is attracted to people who don't feel understood or 'seen' in life because his Libra stellium naturally makes him very empathetic and a naturally caring person.

People who tend to be a 'late bloomer' in life usually do have some insecurities about themselves because it's just almost impossible not too??

And Bang Chan's Mars in the 7th House means he is attracted to transformative relationships and people that help him 'grow' and discover traits and flaws about himself.

Being someone's first ever partner would encourage Bang Chan to hone different skills like patience, communication and emotional intimacy whilst also encouraging him to discover different parts of himself.

You would be his own personal project in a way, which can be seen as positive or negative depending on Chan's maturity level.

At Chan's worst, he could see you as a project to 'fix' or a vision to work on because it helps him build his self-esteem, that he's helping someone 'heal' and he could unconsciously put you into 'victim' mode and cause you to unnecessarily restrict yourself, just show he can come back and 'fix' you again.

Bang Chan would be a great 'first ever' boyfriend those little 'milestones' in relationships that experienced people might take for granted, he would celebrate them with you.

He's the first man you bring home to your family? You'll best believe he'll dress up and maybe even bring some flowers.

It's your first Valentines Day ever with a partner? He'll go all out and make it the most cliche and corniest of experiences ever.

Okay, let's talk about the seggsy stuff.

Look, the whole 'Daddy' persona is not as far-fetched as we believe.

I'm not going to say that Chan 100% has a thing for being called 'Daddy'.

But the chances of him enjoying it are pretty high.

And I also have to point out that I'm not saying that Chan would be into age-play or ddlg, I'm saying that Chan would probably enjoy being called 'Daddy' as a term of endearment.

Because I have to continuously say this but age-play/age regression is a form of lifestyle whereas calling someone 'Daddy' only in intimate situations is just a term of authority.

Chan would enjoy knowing that he's being the first to explore this area with you, to show you things you haven't discovered for yourself, to see you react to him and only him.

'How does that feel babygirl? Does that feel good? You look so beautiful under me right now, doing so well'.

And with Chan, it would seem like he's cool right? That he has everything under control.

But his cool persona hides a lot of emotional temperament and a constant desire to feel NEEDED.

And you best believe this side of him would show when you're under the sheets with him.

'Babygirl, you need Daddy to make you feel good don't you? You need me to take care of you and I will, whenever you need because you're MY babygirl'.

Now, on a worst level.

Chan could weaponise your inexperience and use it against you, manipulate and victimise you into how much you need him in your life.

'You couldn't even make yourself cum if it weren't for my help. You could never take care of yourself like how I can take care of you'

But on a positive level,

You would feel SAFE, protected, nurtured and appreciated, Chan's love for you would be so powerful, you would never ever doubt his affection for you.

'You make me so happy, I just want to care for you, protect you, love you. Are you going to let me babygirl?'

I also LOATHE the term 'babygirl'.

But it's just such a Chan thing to say, he is the only one that can make the term sound so sweet and sexy.

Taglist: @destiny-fics @umbralhelwolf @starsareseen @hipster-shiz @creativechaoticloner @cherry-0420 @lino-jagiyaa @mischiefsmind @scuzmunkie @mrcarrots @reighlee-greaves @junieshohoho @partywithgyu @kodzukein @whatsk-poppinhomies @yeosdarling @hologramhoneymoon @dilucpegg3r @marievllr-abg @craxy-person @itbtoblikethatsometimes @gyuhanniescarat @staytinyinmybpack @thirstybchanstan @necessiteez @wooyoungmybelovedhusband @hijeongguk @berryberrytan @notastraykid @sensitiveandhungry @laylasbunbunny @muselin @bluelove24 @sometimesiwritethings

#natal chart!march 2023 #natal chart analysis #stray kids smut #skz smut #kpop smut #bang chan #bang chan x reader #stray kids hard hours #skz chan #bang chan smut #kpop headcanons #stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios #kpop scenarios #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #kpop x reader #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #kpop imagines #stray kids stay #bang chan imagines #kpop fic #stray kids fic #skz fic #whatudowhennooneseesyou

[goosewriting]

Warmth

summary: now that reader got to look underneath the surface, they discover the not so pretty parts about being an inquisitor

relationship: inq!Cal Kestis x gn!reader

warnings: 18+, semi-graphic violence, mentions of blood, trauma, it gets pretty steamy, but still fade to black, implied sexual encounters, cal being emotionally constipated because what else is new, dom cal, soft cal, dirty talk? sorta?, talking about killing people, reader being a nerd, having a bath together, non-sexual nudity, reader gets choked, a lot is happening ok

word count: 12k … this one got away form me, i–

A/N: tbh when i started this i had no idea where i was going with it; this just took on a life of its own. i guess this one’s a little more grounded than the previous one, as reader and cal explore what it means to be an inquisitor. it’s a bit different to my usual stuff but i hope you like it nonetheless :’D

this can be read on its own, but it's technically a sequel to underneath!

(english is not my first language. constructive criticism and grammar corrections are very appreciated!)

— — —

It’s rather calm today, uneventful, as you sit at your office desk doing your work absent-mindedly.

You think back to your first night together with inquisitor Cal Kestis. It’s been some time since then, and you’re glad that there were more nights after that one.

Whatever is going on between you two, you try to be discreet about it. But it didn’t go unnoticed by others how Cal would approach you in the hallways to say hi or have a quick chat to check in on you. At first, you were nervous that it would affect your job in some way, negatively change your relationship with your boss and colleagues (not that you’re too close with them, but you still want to keep it professional and respectful with them). To your surprise though, the others seem to respect you more because of it. Apparently being able to hold your ground against an inquisitor isn't a small feat. ‘Hold your ground’... More like being wrapped around his finger. 

You smile to yourself as you think back to a couple of nights back. Your heart quickens and the tip of your ears burn as you remember the trails of kisses Cal left on your skin, setting your whole body on fire, accompanied by words of praise and adoration, words only for you to hear. 

Shaking your head to rid yourself of the slippery slope that is your current train of thought, you refocus on the screen in front of you and continue clacking away on the keyboard. You haven’t really defined or put a label on what you two have, but you know it’s special, and it is real. And you’re content with that for now. You like the current dynamic, where you have dinner together as often as your jobs will allow it, and you sleep over at his quarters every other day. 

However, lately there’s been a habit of Cal’s that worries you a bit. There’s been several instances now when you wake up in the middle of the night and your hand reaches out to find him, but his side of the bed is empty. Sometimes he’s not in the room at all. Other times you can see him standing at the window with his back towards you; his red hair seems to glow above his dark silhouette contrasting with the dim fiery glow coming from Mustafar, appearing from behind a veil of clouds. You know he knows you’re awake, but you stay still, pretending to be asleep. Whatever is weighing on his mind, whenever he feels ready, he’ll come to you. And you’d wait for as long as he needs.

Still, getting up so often at night starts to take a toll. You notice he’s more irritable, you see the dark bags under his eyes. But when you try to confront him about it, he dismisses it as unimportant, saying he’ll get better sleep that night. But it’s just the same thing over and over again.

One night after dinner, you’re both sitting on his couch, and you finally manage to pry out what has got him unable to sleep: nightmares. You don’t really understand what the problem is; everyone gets nightmares every once in a while. Even if he were to move around a lot, you’d try to calm him down and get him back to sleep.

“Do you know how inquisitors are made?” he asks seemingly out of nowhere while on the nightmare topic.

You take a moment to think about it, and realise that you do, in fact, not. So you shake your head.

“The Empire captures Jedis, to torture and remake them however they see fit”, he explains and stops from a moment to let it sink in.

“Part of them is lost forever,” he continues, his gaze moving to the side, looking at nothing in particular. “The other seems to be trapped, unable to move or escape. Jedis are trained to not give in to hate or anger. For inquisitors, those are the only things keeping them going. Ironically, feeling an enemy’s life force fade away… It makes you feel alive again.” He looks down at his hands. “It lets you feel something again at all: the rage, towards oneself and towards everyone who’s ever wronged you. It’s an addicting feeling, all-consuming. But much too short. So you seek it out again. And the Empire has plenty of enemies they need gone, so you comply.”

He pauses, allowing you to interject if it’s too much, but you remain silent, listening attentively. You’ve never heard this side of him, of how it felt being an inquisitor. 

“In those moments–” he goes on, clenching his hands into fists. “–feeding off of someone's desperation and pain that you can feel through the Force, it also opens a minimal gap for you to feel other things too. Things you thought you had forgotten or want to forget, like regret, fear and doubt. Or things you think you don’t deserve to feel anymore, like warmth. Happiness.” He pauses for a moment. “Love.”

You remain silent for a moment longer in case he wants to add anything else, but it doesn’t look like it. So you ask something instead. 

“And what do you remember in those moments?”

Cal closes his eyes and throws his head back slightly, taking a deep breath.

“The smell of the temple library on Coruscant,” he replies. “The rare sound of the clones laughing in the mess hall. How safe I felt with my master.”

You tilt your head with a slight grimace; it breaks your heart to hear he thinks he can’t have those things anymore because of what he is now. Or rather, what he was made.

“You still deserve all of that, the warmth and feelings of safety,” you say, and reach out to run your fingertips over his cheek, but he turns away.

“You don’t think I’m a monster? Like everyone else does?” he asks with a wry chuckle. “You know what I do. I don’t deserve any of it.”

Or you.

He doesn’t say the words aloud, but they hang heavy in the air between you two. 

“Okay, Kestis,” you say as you stand up, one hand stretched out towards him. “No moping, c’mon.”

He gives you a suspicious look, but accepts your hand nonetheless. You guide him to the washroom and run a bath for him, using one of your nicer bath bombs which you kept for special occasions. 

“Time for some pampering. You deserve it,” you enunciate that last part. “Clothes off.”

He narrows his eyes at you, unsure of what you’re scheming. You can’t help but laugh at the faint blush spreading on his freckled face as you start to strip yourself. 

“Now, don’t get any ideas. No funny business, I mean it. Just a bath,” you say, pointing a finger at him.

“Alright, alright,” he gives in with a low chuckle, and starts unbuttoning his shirt. 

Not long after, you’re both in the tub, with you sitting behind Cal, both enveloped by fragrant bubbles filling the warm water surface. You instruct him to lean back so you can wash his hair. Using your own shampoo instead of the boring, Empire-issue one, you lather up his hair, massaging his scalp, which earns you a grunt or two, and you can’t help a triumphant smile.

“Does it feel good?” you ask, and you get another grunt in response, so it must indeed feel good.

After you’re done with the hair, you tell him to turn around, and you squirt some soap onto a wash cloth. Starting at his neck, you scrub gently in circular motions, making your way down over his shoulder and his arms. Then you repeat the process on the other arm. As you lift it out from the thick layer of bubbles, you notice some reddening on his skin at his bicep. You take a closer look.

“Is that a new scar?” you ask.

“Yeah, don’t know where from though,” he says, and you get the impression that he does, but you don’t ask him about it. 

“Is that so,” you mumble, then lean in to place a soft kiss on it. “There, now it will heal faster.” 

Cal snorts and rolls his eyes, but his gaze remains soft.

“What, you don’t believe me?” you retort in mock offence. Then you start placing kisses on all his scars, the ones on his face, at his jaw and over his nose. The scars on his chest, his shoulders. You end by placing one last kiss on the tip of his nose, and grin up at him, but your face changes into worry when you see his expression. His brows are furrowed, as if in pain, his eyes shut tightly, his shoulders tense.

“Cal, are you okay?” you ask, and his hand comes out of the water to hold your face. You place your hand over his. He blinks a couple of times, and when he fully opens his eyes again, his features relax, and he smiles warmly. But what shocks you the most is that his eyes aren’t their usual yellow; they’re greenish blue. You open your mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. His gaze is not only a different colour, but also as vulnerable and tender as you’ve never seen before in him. 

“You’re too good to me,” he whispers, leaning in to place a single, lingering kiss on your cheek. 

Suddenly, his face contorts in pain again, this time more than before, and his hands shoot up to either side of his head, pressing onto his temples. When he opens his eyes again, they’re back to the yellow you know and love.

“My head is killing me suddenly,” he says through gritted teeth. “Can we wrap it up?” 

“Uh, of course, yeah,” you answer, making quick work of rinsing off both of you and getting some towels. 

Soon you’re both in bed, with your back against his chest, as he holds on to you like his life depends on it. Cal falls asleep first, but it’s rather restless. He keeps twitching and flinching, and with every sudden move, you’re dragged back out of your almost drifting to sleep. When he seems to finally have calmed down, you exhale deeply, eager to follow suit and drift into dreamland as well. Instead, Cal groans loudly, and you lean onto your side to look up over your shoulder. He looks distressed, a thin layer of sweat on his forehead.

“Cal, are you okay?” you ask, placing your hand on his shoulder to try and wake him, but you retrieve it quickly when his eyes shoot open, wild and angry and disoriented. 

“Prauf!” he screams, grabbing you harshly and rolling over so he’s straddling you, one of his hands fisting the sheets while the other goes to your throat, starting to choke you.

“C-Cal…!” you rasp out, holding onto his wrist to try and get him off of you. “You’re hurting me!”

He puts more weight into his hold, and you start seeing white dots sprinkled in your field of vision.

“It’s me, please,” you gasp, raising your hand to hold his cheek instead, and that seems to work. Slowly, his eyes seem to focus again, and his ragged breathing calms down slightly. When he finally sees you under him and understands what he is doing, he lets go and jumps off of you, off the bed, and slams his back against the opposite wall. You take a gulp of air, falling into a coughing fit. 

“Are you okay?” you croak when you can finally talk again, and you see him holding his head, trembling. 

“I- I’m sorry- This-” he starts, but can’t form a sentence. Taking a deep, shaky breath, he lets his hands fall back down to his sides. “I’m sleeping on the couch.” 

Cal leaves the room before you can protest, and the doors close behind him. Just like that you’re left alone, wondering what in the world just happened. Does it have something to do with his eyes earlier? And what, or who, is Prauf? 

— — —

The next morning, you’re awoken by the alarm clock on his night stand, and it takes you a couple of tries to turn it off. Sitting up on the bed with a yawn, you start remembering what happened the night before, and your hands comes up to your neck, where you can still feel some soreness from being choked like that.

You tiptoe out of the room, but just as you expected, Cal is gone. Taking a quick look at the clock, you yelp as you realise how late it is, and you hurry to the washroom to get ready. 

Once you’re ready to go, you take one last look at yourself in the mirror, and realise that your neck has visible marks, clearly in the shape of a hand. You grimace slightly, propping up the collar of your uniform as high up as it will go, and it covers up most of it. As long as you don’t look up or stretch your neck too much, you should be good. So you leave Cal’s quarters and head to your office. 

The whole day, you’re a bit distracted, hoping that Cal doesn’t feel too bad about what he did. You just want to help; sure, the nightmares are worse than you thought. But you’ll figure it out, together. 

You don’t get to see or hear from Cal the whole day though, or the next, or the one after that. For almost a week, he seems to be avoiding you completely. He doesn’t answer your holocalls or texts. You only catch the occasional glimpse of him leaving a room just when you’re entering. 

Tired of this game of cat and mouse, you decide to go find him. Instead, you end up cornered by the Ninth Sister. You’re slightly scared of her if you’re honest – no, scratch that. You are scared of her; she’s incredibly intimidating, not just by her sheer size and strength, but her presence in general. She always sounds mad, a deep frown etched into her face. So when she suddenly tells you to follow her, you don’t find it in you to refuse. To your surprise, she hunts down Cal as well, and brings you both to an empty hallway.

“Whatever is going on between you two: fix it!” she barks, then turns around with a scoff, muttering something about it being like scolding children. 

You look around, and there’s no one around, so you look up at Cal’s helmet visor, trying to find his eyes under it, but obviously only seeing your own reflection.

“Hey,” you greet him, giving him a smile to signal you’re not mad. “I missed you.”

His shoulders slump slightly, and he looks around as well. Instead of answering, he grabs you by your elbow and guides you some steps down the hallway to a maintenance shaft. He flicks his wrist, and the doors open, he shoves you both inside and closes the doors.

Only now does he take off his helmet, and you can’t suppress a gasp, horrified at the sight. His hair is sticking out everywhere, the bags under his eyes are the darkest you’ve ever seen, and he not only has new scratches on his face, he also a black eye that seems to be a couple of days old. 

“What happened to you?” you ask, and you’re aware that it’s not a great opener, but you’re genuinely worried. Your hands gingerly run over his face as you inspect the damage. Cal shrugs nonchalantly.

“I’ve been distracted lately and it affected my performance,” he says with a wry smile. “So they had to correct my bad behaviour.”

You take a moment to make sure you’re properly understanding what he’s implying. By the look in his eyes, kinda sad and a bit ashamed, it seems you are.

“Do you get corrected often?” you ask carefully.

“Sometimes. When I get greedy,” he answers. You think back to your conversation about being an inquisitor, and remember how he said that he only got a glimpse back into his own heart when he was out there, doing horrible things. Does that mean he was defying orders just to be able ‘to feel something at all’? 

“Do you usually get corrected… after being with me?” you ask this time, almost scared of the answer. 

“It’s not your fault,” he indirectly answers your question, taking your hands in his. “Being with you is just as addicting as being out there. I’m just… weak like that, I guess.”

“Oh, Cal,” you whisper, giving his hands a squeeze. “The warmth you yearn for and that you seek, it may make you feel vulnerable, and you think that makes you weak, but all it does is make you real. You’re real, Cal, and so am I. And I don’t want you to get hurt. You don’t need to be greedy; I’m here, I always will be. You deserve that warmth, and if you’ll have me, I’ll give you all of it.”

His brows rise slightly in surprise, and you realise you basically just professed your love for him. Heat erupts on your face and in your panic, you grab onto his collar and kiss him, hard at first, but then you’re both moving in unison with a rare softness you don’t always get to experience from him. 

Suddenly he pulls back with a pained grunt, and he slides down the wall until he’s sitting on the floor. 

“Cal, are you okay? What’s wrong?” You kneel down beside him, and you lift his face to look at him. Once again, you’re met with blue eyes, this time like an ocean about to erupt into stormy waves. He’s close to tears, and he looks so scared, so small, it breaks your heart. If only you knew how to mend the broken pieces of his soul, you’d kiss them all better if you could. 

“I’m sorry I stayed away so long,” he suddenly says, hugging you into his chest. “I just couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you again. What if I don’t snap back in time? What if I do something worse?”

You rack your brains for something reassuring to say, and finally land on something.

“You know, as a kid I used to have this recurring nightmare,” you start, hoping to not only get your point across better with your story, but also getting him out of the rabbit hole he was about to go down. “I kept dreaming that my parents abandoned me. We would all be together somewhere, and I looked away for a moment, but by the time I turned back around, they were gone. And I would feel so alone, and full of dread, I felt like I was going crazy. I’d often wake up screaming and crying.”

You take a moment to gauge his reaction; talking about your pasts has been kind of a taboo topic between you two. He openly said once that he doesn’t want to talk about his past, which you respect, but it also meant he never asked questions about yours. Maybe he’s scared to know more because it would reawaken memories of his own. Maybe he just doesn’t want to pry. Maybe he doesn’t care. Either way, you’re now crossing that invisible line and hope it won’t scare him away completely.

“No matter how much my parents reassured me that they wouldn’t abandon me, it always played out the same,” you continue your story. “One night, I was so scared of having the nightmare again, that I straight up refused to go to sleep. That’s when my mother told me this: sometimes, dreams are just your mind and soul processing something that actually happened. But other times, it’s the mind’s way of trying to find closure for something that hasn’t happened. So even if the dream isn’t nice, you have to wait until the end. Only then will your mind be able to tell you what it needs, even if it’s something you don’t want to hear.”

Wiping the silent tears off of Cal’s cheeks, you give him a comforting smile.

“And I know this doesn’t compare in any way to the nightmares you have,” you say. “But, maybe, you just need to let them play out. What if it’s your subconscious trying to tell you something and you cut it off before it has a chance to? What if… it’s the Force trying to tell you something important?”

This seems to click in some way with Cal, and he takes a moment to think over your words.

“Whatever happens, when you wake up you won’t be alone. I promise”, you assure him.

Cal is about to say something, when his eyes shut closed and he claims his head hurts again. He blinks a couple of times, holding his head, and his eyes switch between greenish blue and yellow. 

“Don’t block it out,” you encourage him, removing his hands from his temples and bringing them to your face instead. “I take back what I said earlier. You can be greedy, but not out there. Be greedy with me. Take everything you want, Cal. As much as you need. It’s all for you.”

He blinks one, two more times, his eyes fully reverted to their usual fiery yellow, and the fear from before is completely gone, now replaced with something sharp and dark.

“You don’t know what you’re asking,” he says through gritted teeth, his whole body trembling in anticipation or self-control, maybe both.

“But I do,” you reassure him, climbing over his legs so you’re sitting on his lap, and gently press your forehead against his. “That yearning is eating you up from the inside. You’re hurting. It doesn’t have to be like that.”

Cal’s hands wander from your cheeks over your shoulders, down your arms, until they rest on your waist. He looks up at you, still a little unsure, and you roll your hips against his to further encourage him and tell him it’s okay. You both can’t help the low moans that escape your lips.

“It’s okay, Cal,” you whisper, leaning in and stopping just above his lips, where you feel his shaky breath. “Consume me until there’s nothing left.”

That seems to snap him back to his usual, more dominant self that he is in intimate moments like this. Adjusting your position in his lap, he presses your body into his, kissing you passionately. It’s just as intense as your make-out sessions usually are, but there’s something else lingering as well. You can’t quite describe it, but it’s like there’s a newfound meaning behind his actions. As if he is trying to pour his whole being and soul into it in an attempt to reach you. And it does. In fact, he’s using all his senses, Force included, to breathe in all of you, and his presence envelops you like it never has before.

You start undoing both your uniforms, and you pull back for a moment to take a much needed breather. 

“You’re doing great,” you pant, not really thinking about what you’re saying as you try to undo the clasps and buttons as fast as your trembling hands will allow. “Such a good boy for me.”

To say that his whimper takes you by surprise, is an understatement. You stop your movements and pull back a little more to take in the image before you: Cal’s partially exposed chest is rising and sinking rapidly, a violent blush spreading from the tip of his ears all the way down to his sternum. His usual confidence and cockiness seem gone, and biting his bottom lip, hair completely dishevelled, he gives you a flustered look you’ve never seen on him.

“Don’t call me that,” he breathes, trying to pull you closer again so you can’t look at him.

“Call you what, a good boy?” you tease him, and his whole body tenses up under you as he takes a sharp breath. “I think you rather like it, no? Being such a good boy for me. C’mon, keep going.”

He relentlessly attacks your neck just the way he knows you like, biting and licking and nibbling along your pulse. 

“Ah, kriff, these uniforms, I swear–” you curse under your breath into Cal’s temple, trying to rid yourself of your jacket without losing contact with him. You only manage to push it down to your elbows. Cal’s hands slip under your shirt and start wandering up and up. Your whole body feels like it’s on fire, goosebumps erupting on your arms and back as you arch yourself into his hold. Another moan escapes your throat as he bites down hard, immediately licking the darkened spot. You finally manage to shake off your jacket and–

Your comlink beeps and you groan. Cal seems unbothered, as he’s still going, now moving back up to finding your lips, tongue darting out to meet yours. After blindly tapping around to find the device in a pocket of your discarded jacket, you take it out and look at the caller ID. Your blood freezes when you recognise it to be your boss. Right, you’re in a maintenance shaft half naked with the inquisitor when you should be at your office. 

Shoving Cal away begrudgingly, he growls in annoyance, about to flick the still beeping comlink out of your hand.

“Wait, wait, it could be important,” you say through heavy breaths, trying to calm yourself down enough to sound somewhat normal. Cal merely pushes his face into your chest with a defeated sigh. After clearing your throat, you take the call.

“Took you long enough, officer,” your boss says in a clearly annoyed tone that makes you cringe slightly.

“Sorry, Sir, I was, uh, occupied,” you stumble over your words and mentally slap yourself. Cal doesn’t even try to hide his snort at your response. You smack him lightly on the back of his head.

“Whatever you were doing, officer,” the man says in a way that he knows exactly what you were doing and with whom. “Prepare your things and get ready, you’re to leave for an off-planet mission by tonight.”

“Yes, Sir,” you reply, instinctively straightening your back.

“You’re to meet us at the hangar by 1900 hours. And officer,” he adds with a sigh, his voice adopting a strange tone of embarrassment, almost. “If inquisitor Kestis happens to be there, tell him to come as well.”

“Understood, Sir,” Cal replies with no qualms, and you’re petrified. 

After one more sigh and some unintelligible curses, your boss hangs up. 

You blink a couple of times, trying to recover from the shock. Great, now your boss knows for sure what you were up to. 

“We’re not done here,” Cal says, as he places one last kiss on the corner of your mouth and stands up, helping you get on your feet as well. “We’ll pick up where we left off later.”

“At a different location though, I would hope,” you chuckle as you two get ready to leave the little room.

After a quick detour to the nearest washroom, where you both fix your messy hair and uniforms (his smirk as you’re barely able to cover all the hickeys with your propped up collar will be the end of you), and one to your office for you to pick up some supplies, you make your way to the hangar. A group of people is already waiting for you two; two purge troopers, two stormtroopers of your own squad your boss stand next to Cal’s ship, a zeta-class shuttle: black, sleek and menacing. 

After the debrief, you review the data on your holopad. It’s a mission on another planet, and you’re always excited to get one of those, as you don’t get to go out “into the field” often. In this case there’s a possible rebel cell, but their transmissions are set up in a way that decoding them from the Fortress Inquisitorius would take a considerable amount of time, so it’s quicker to get close to the base and physically infiltrate their comms system to get the information you need. Additionally, there’s been a tip about a possible Jedi being hidden within the rebel group, that’s why they’re sending an inquisitor as well. You’re to stay on the ship working on the decryption while they do their thing.

The ship takes off, and once you’re far enough, you make the jump into hyperspace. During the trip, both the purge troopers and Cal sit unnervingly still, probably power napping and saving their energy for the possible fight ahead. Your two troopers are in the cockpit flying the ship and having a chat, so you have a lot of time for yourself. You mainly work on preparing your equipment, revising your software and getting all the tools you’d need ready. It doesn’t take long for you to have everything prepped; the moment you’d enter the planet’s atmosphere, your scans would tell you the rebel’s comm system location within seconds, and once you land, you can head right out to hook up your own tech. There’s still a good portion of waiting after you’re done though, and with the constant hyperspace humming, you find yourself dozing on and off, replaying the earlier conversation you had with Cal in your mind, wondering how to act and what to say once you get back to base. 

After what feels like an eternity, the piloting troopers finally announce you’re here. The drop out of hyperspace shakes you slightly, and as you look out the window, you see your goal: a small planet on the very edge of the Outer Rim; you’ve never been this far away from the Core Worlds, and as you see the vast expanse of pitch black void surrounding it, you notice the lack of starts in the distance, and you almost let yourself be swallowed by the dread that runs a cold shiver down your spine. Shaking your head, you rid yourself of any distracting thoughts and get to work. As expected, your holopad is already beeping, alerting you that it found your target location. You stand up from your seat and approach the cockpit, for which you have to walk past Cal. His helmet visor is aimed at the floor in front of his feet, and he doesn’t look up as you walk by. For all you know, his eyes could be trained on you though; there’s no way to know for sure. 

Standing between the pilot seats, you show one of the troopers the coordinates on your holopad, and he punches them into the console. Holding onto the back of the seat, you stand there as the ship approaches the area you marked, and the landing is swift and almost motionless. So this is what the good ships feel like, you think to yourself. And the troopers seem to be thinking the same, if the slow whistle coming from one of them is anything to go by.

You turn around to go inform the purge troopers you’re here, but Cal is already standing in front of you, blocking your exit from the cockpit. 

“My men and I will look for our target, you two stay here,” he says as he points at the two stormtroopers. Then he gestures towards you with his head. “The officer is in charge while I’m gone, and better be unharmed when I come back, understood?”

“Yes, Sir,” they respond in unison. 

Cal seems to linger on your form for a second longer, then turns on his heels. The cargo door opens and the smell of humid, tropical air reaches your nose. Cal and his troopers take off, and you nod to yourself with an ‘alright’, as you get to work. Connecting a couple of wires here and there, you call one of the troopers to you.

“We need to bring this–” you point at your contraption. “–to the base of this structure.” You show him the red dot on the holomap at the edge of a water body. “That seems to be the backbone of their communication system. There have to be wires that we can hook the machine into.”

“Understood.”

He picks up the machine and starts heading out. You gather a couple more tools, throw them into your bag and sling it over your shoulder. As you approach the cargo door, you turn to the other trooper one last time.

“You stay here and hold down the fort. Keep the usual channels open for us and for C- Inquisitor Kestis.”

“Yes, Sir!” 

And off you go.

After a while, you get to the point at the cliff as indicated by your holomap. Both you and the stormtrooper stand at the ledge, carefully looking down. At the base, a broad river runs along the cliffside. Scanning the rocky walls with your eyes, you find what you’re looking for.

“Jackpot,” you say, pointing at something, and the trooper follows your line of sight. “That’s our transmitter.”

It’s essentially a big metal box built into the side of the cliff, with an antenna on one side and a rather wonky satellite dish on the other, partially hidden under a rocky overhang. You’d have to climb down quite a bit to reach it.

“We didn’t bring any climbing equipment,” the trooper points out. 

“We improvise,” you retort with a shrug.

You take the rope out of your bag and tie one end to a nearby tree that looks sturdy enough, and the other around your legs and waist.

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Sir,” the stormtrooper starts. “If anything happens to you, Inquisitor Kestis will–” He’s stopped by the stern look you shoot him. 

“I know how to take care of myself, trooper,” You say firmly. “Now, help me get down there.” 

You plug in one of the thicker wires into your machine, holding the other end between your teeth. The trooper helps you climb down the cliffside step by step, slowly letting you down. Once you reach the desired point by the transmitter, you take the wire out of your mouth.

“Here’s good! Hold it there!” you call. A  grunt is all the response you get. 

You plug in the wire, and your holopad starts beeping, starting to intercept the messages. But they’re not written words, voices or even proper sounds, it just sounds and looks like static. 

“Guess I have to calibrate my receiver,” you think aloud. “Pull me up!”

Climbing back up the way you came, you untie the rope the moment you find your footing again, which left a slight stinging sensation at the back of your legs, and you absent-mindedly rub your bum to alleviate the sensation. You notice the trooper giving you a strange look, and heat spreads on your face.

“Well, don’t just stand there,” you say as you straighten up, looking for an order to give. “Go, uh, go collect the rope.”

“Yes, Sir…” he responds with a snicker.

You roll your eyes, but you’re not really mad at him. That must have just looked really funny. Either way, time to get to work: you kneel down next to your contraption, holding your holopad next to it, adjusting some levels here and pressing buttons there. But no matter how much you try to isolate the signal, it still doesn’t get cleaner or clearer.

The trooper places the neatly tied up rope next to your bag which you left on the ground, then holds up his blaster, undoing the safety. You look up at him in confusion.

“What’s wrong?” 

“I’m not sure…” he answers. “I have a bad feeling about this place. Let’s get what we came for and go back to the ship.”

“Okay…” you stretch out the word, unsure what put him on edge like that. Yes, there’s known aggressive fauna here, but all in all the planet is abandoned, there's no particular danger. Not documented, anyway. You keep looking at the static on your holopad, trying to make sense of it. But the more you see, the less random it seems. That’s when it dawns on you. 

Suddenly, you furiously type away on your pad, trying to translate the encoded message, but it’s just gibberish. You tilt your head in confusion, revising your translation; it should be right. But it isn’t. Why?...

“Oh!” You say after a few more seconds, getting up to your feet so quickly that it almost makes you dizzy. “Oh, this is actually quite brilliant. Ah, these rebels sure are getting crafty. Come here, you’re gonna love this.”

The stormtrooper shoots one last look over his shoulder into the vegetation, then turns to you, still holding tightly onto his blaster.

“You ever heard of Dadita?” you ask, not bothering to hide your excitement.

“No?”

“Of course you haven’t,” you say with a click of your tongue. “It’s an ancient Mandalorian code consisting of short and long bursts of static, where each combination stands for a letter. But these rebels combined it with Mon Calamari blink code, which is the same principles but with light sequences. They used Dadita static, but the sequences actually correspond to the blink code letters. No wonder back at HQ they thought we couldn’t intercept proper comms. It’s made to look like static.”

“Uh-huh,” is all you get out of the trooper, still nervously looking around.

“C’mon, this is cool,” you try, but to no avail. Sighing in defeat, you add, “You know what, nevermind. Let’s just go back.”

At least Cal will show interest in your find. Or so you hope. Speaking of, you wonder how he’s doing. You know you shouldn’t ping him as it could interfere with his mission, but you just hope they made it back safely to the ship by the time you’re there.

“Contact the ship, will you? And tell them we’re going back,” you instruct. The trooper presses some buttons on the console on his wrist.

“Ground team to ship, do you copy?”

The only answer is static.

You look in the direction of the ship as the trooper tries again, and you feel something cold on your nose, then on your cheek. You look up; it’s starting to rain. Great. Your machine shouldn’t have trouble with a little rain, but you still don’t feel great about it. You kinda made it up on the spot, so there are a couple of exposed wires. 

“We need to go get something to cover the receiver. Any answer yet?” you ask, and it’s really starting to come down now. You have to blink several times to get the water out of your eyes.

“No,” he responds, nervously looking around. “I told you, something is wrong.”

“Okay, no need to panic,” to try to calm him down; his demeanour is starting to make you nervous as well. “Let’s just quickly go back; I'm pretty sure I saw a piece of canvas that we can use to–” You sling your bag back onto your shoulders as you speak, but the inertia of the bag makes you lose your balance for a second, and with the ground now turning into mud, your boot loses its grip on the ground, making you slip and your knees give out under you. 

“Officer!” You hear the stormtrooper call as he stretches out his arm in a vain attempt to catch you, but you’re already falling backwards off the cliff. Seemingly in slow motion, the trooper and the treeline disappear from your view, being replaced by a grey, cloudy sky. You close your eyes, feeling the droplets on your face and the air rushing by your ears, and you’re strangely calm. All you can think of is Cal.

Are you okay? I wish we had properly made up before this. 

When your back hits the water of the river at the base of the cliff, your survival instincts are awoken all at once. The current is stronger than what it seemed from up the ledge. You swim with all your might, trying to stay afloat and taking gulps of air whenever you can. it isn't long until your arms are burning from the sudden effort, and you scan your surroundings, desperate to find something to hold onto. The river seems to open up and away from the cliffside. Here, the shores are filled with mangrove-like trees, their roots thick and plenty, some of them stretching out like low-hanging branches over the water surface. You try to hold on to one, but your gloves don't provide much of a grip, so you take them off and ditch them. Nearing the next big branch, you ready yourself and throw your upper body out of the water so that you can hold onto it with both your arms, and it works. Slowly, you inch closer and closer to the tree trunk, until you reach the shore. Letting yourself fall onto the mossy ground, you take some deep breaths trying to calm down your breathing, racing heart and aching limbs.

You pat your uniform and conclude that you lost your bag somewhere along the way, which had your holopad and all your equipment. You sit up and wipe the back of your sleeve over your eyes, but the constant rain keeps hitting your face. You pop open the collar of your uniform and it feels like ridding yourself of a chokehold. The uniforms were never particularly comfortable, being on the stiff side, but drenched like this, it’s much worse.

Looking around, you stand up; you have no idea where you are or where the ship could be. Giving yourself one more pat down, you find your comlink in one of your zipped up pockets, and thank the Maker under your breath. 

“Hello? Does anyone copy?”

You can hear static, so you assume that it is working, but it’s the mic or speaker, or both that are ruined. At least from the ship they should be able to locate you with it. 

A gust of wind makes you shiver slightly; despite it being a rather tropical climate, being completely wet does make you feel the dropping temperatures that will probably await you at night. In fact, it’s starting to get dark. 

They’ll find me. It’s fine. I just have to make sure I’m alive by the time they get here, hah, you tell yourself with a wry chuckle. 

First thing you have to do is seek shelter from the relentless rain. Hugging yourself, you cringe at the sensation of your feet against the wet boots, but you still take step after step into the vegetation, looking for some place to dry off. Completely lost and giving up on the idea of ever getting out of this maze by yourself, the only information you keep in your head is the direction of the river; you'll be needing water after all. For now, you could just drink rain water though, so you venture further and further away into the forest. With the dense branches sporting big, round leaves, they already stop part of the rain, but not enough. Finally, you come across a big tree, the roots lifted into the air so that they form something akin to a cage, and the ground beneath it is dry; that's exactly what you need.

Hurrying through the gaps between the roots, you take off your boots, jacket and trousers, giving everything a good squeeze to wring as much water out as possible. Left in your underwear and a black short sleeve shirt, you wonder what to do next. You’d need food soon. You sigh, leaning back onto the rough surface of the tree.

“This is exactly why I wanted an office job,” you say bitterly. So much for being excited about a mission ‘on the field’. 

For now, you decide to wait out the rain, which could hopefully stop just as suddenly as it started, and you just sit there, holding your comlink in your hands, looking at it intently. 

After a while, the rain finally seems to subside, and while your clothes are nowhere dry, you don’t exactly want to explore a jungle half naked. So you put your trousers back on, which takes a while, as the wet fabric keeps sticking to your legs. After what feels like another workout, you finally zip them up, and put on your equally wet boots. Oh, how you crave a warm shower right now. 

Taking the jacket into your hands, you feel the wet fabric and decide to leave it. Your skin dried much faster, so it was better to be a little cold without a jacket than very cold with a drenched one. Placing your comlink into your pocket, you go foraging for some sort of fruit or berry. After the rain and with no equipment, you doubt you’d be able to start a fire to cook anything, so you have to find something you can eat raw. 

As you’re picking some reddish purple berries from a bush and contemplating if you can eat them, you hear some rustling behind you. Dropping the berries and immediately turning around, you’re met with a human and you notice several things. First of all, they’re holding their side, which is bleeding a lot, their clothes stained in a dark red. Second, you see the lightsabre in their hand, emitting a blueish hue, its electric hum the only sound aside of their ragged breathing. And third, you see the plea in their deep brown eyes, silently asking you for help. Almost in the same moment, you also see their eyes dart down to your uniform and back up to your own, realisation spreading on their face. And you’re conflicted.

You know who’s after them. You know what’s going to happen. So it’s not like you don’t want to help; you can’t. If the circumstances were different, would you help? You realise you don’t want to know the answer to that. Either way, you're unarmed, hungry and shivering, so you can't really put up much of a fight against them either. 

“I'm sorry,” you say instead, and you're not really sure which part you're apologising for. You're about to take a step to the side and gesture them to go past you, but you hear footsteps approaching quickly.

The stranger winces in pain as they try to take another step, but collapse onto the ground, the sabre retracting with a whirr. They look up at you again, this time enraged, a deep frown etched into their face, and you're about to say something, but a modulated voice is quicker.

“Officer, what are you doing here?” It’s the purge trooper.

“I- I fell,” you say sheepishly. He scoffs in disbelief, shaking his head.

“Well, good job stopping our target. It’s a slippery one, this one.”

The trooper picks up the sabre, and turns around the Jedi onto their back with his boot, earning a pained grunt. From behind him emerges Cal out of the vegetation, and you’re horrified at how he looks: helmet gone, hair wild, and face partially covered in blood. If it’s his own or not, you can’t tell. He looks frustrated and beyond angry. You’re about to say something, asking if he’s okay, but the sharp look in his eyes freezes you in your spot. 

“It’s the end of the line now, Jedi,” he spits through gritted teeth, and holds his red lightsabre a little tighter. He shoots you a quick look, then at his trooper, and motions with his head to the side. The man nods and turns to you, grabbing you by your bicep, and starts dragging you away. 

“Wait, wait!” You try to turn back around, but the trooper’s grip keeps facing you forward. When you reach a thick tree, he slams your back into it rather harshly, and tells you to stay there. He doesn’t move from in front of you, holding onto his electrostaff with both hands. It emits an electric crackle of purplish hue, clearly warning you not try anything funny. And to be honest, you don't have the energy right now, so you just rest the back of your head against the bark. You can hear the stranger starting to plead for their life, trying to get under Cal’s skin, saying something about a time before being an inquisitor, but Cal is fresh out of patience, and the Jedi chokes on their words. Their laboured breathing fills this corner of the jungle, and after the sound of a lightsabre swinging and the distinct sizzling of flesh, there is silence.

The purge trooper stretches his neck to see past the tree, then gestures to you with a quick nod.

“Let’s go,” he says, and you comply.

Cal stands in front of the body, partially shielding it from your view, and you walk past him as well, following the trooper. As you three make your way back, you notice there's no trace of the second purge trooper that had left with them.

“The other one's dead,” Cal says before you can even ask, and gets handed the Jedi’s lightsabre, which he clips onto his belt. “Why are you down here? And where's your jacket?” You sigh.

“I fell,” you say, and it still sounds as stupid as it did before. “I slipped, and fell down the cliff. I left my jacket by the river. But before that I did get the receiver hooked up and I know how to decrypt the messages. Do you know if my squad made it back to the ship?”

“Don’t know, our comms don't really seem to work down here.” He suddenly stops and looks around, gesturing to a different direction, and the purge trooper takes off through the bushes. Cal turns back to you, and you shoot him a questioning look. 

“You fell from a cliff? Just what were you doing.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, clearly distressed by your reckless actions. “I pinged you several times, and you didn't answer. I knew it probably was the signal being jammed but… I thought that– What if–”

“Hey, it's okay. I'm okay.” You place your hand on his chest and that's when you notice several gashes on his uniform. “Are you okay, though?”

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, his worry replaced by exasperation.

“You really shouldn't have–”

He stops in the middle of his sentence and takes a quick step back away from you as both your heads turn towards the sound of approaching footsteps. The purge trooper approaches Cal and hands him his helmet. Or what's left of it, anyway. The visor is broken, the part that sits above the jaw seems to have been sliced off entirely, and there are several dents on the other side. Your eyes meet Cal’s again in worry, but he avoids your gaze entirely. 

“Let’s move.”

The trek back to the ship is quick, as per the relentless pace of the two men. There are some obstacles on the way though, where you need a little help. When crossing a river with a particularly strong current, you lose your footing on the rocky riverbed, and find yourself holding onto the next best thing, which happens to be the purge trooper. He lets you hold him as he guides you across to the other side, where he quickly shakes you off. You wonder if he’s really that uncomfortable to be close to you, and you make a mental note not to ask purge troopers for anything in the future, especially if it entailed physical contact of any kind. But what you didn't see were the Force daggers that Cal was stabbing into the back of the poor man’s head.

Not long after the river, you come face to face with an abrupt slope with a flat, rocky surface. It’s almost like a wall, leading to the plateau above. It’s too high to jump and too even to climb, so you wonder how you will get up there. Once again, Cal seems to read your mind, as before you can even ask, you see him essentially levitating up and onto the ledge above. Now that's a handy Force trick. You expect him to throw down a rope or something for you to hold onto, but instead, you're being lifted off the ground by an invisible force, as is the trooper next to you. Once you reach the top, you’re gently placed back on solid ground, while the trooper is let go far earlier, which he is unprepared for, so he falls forward and onto his knees with a grunt. But he gets back up onto his feet without complaints or remarks, simply dusting off his thighs and continuing the way back to the ship. You want to scold Cal a little for being unnecessarily mean, but the harshness still etched into his face, now stained with dry and flaky patches of blood, refrains you from making any comments. 

Finally, you make it back to a place you recognise, where the ship isn’t far away. You run off first, despite your muscles screaming in pain to finally give them some rest. The cargo door is closed, and you bang your hand on it twice.

“Open up!” you order, and the ramp opens with a mechanical hiss, then gets lowered down. You quickly climb up before it even completely reaches the ground.  

“Officer!” both stormtroopers exclaim in unison and in apparent relief when they see you alive and in one piece. One of them runs off to the equipment storage to get a blanket for you, and you gladly accept it. Only now do you realise how cold and stiff your whole body feels. 

“Have you been intercepting the messages?” you ask, grabbing a spare holopad to log into your receiver’s software to start decrypting. 

“Yes, and as you said, it’s a coded transmission made with static bursts” the first trooper explains, the one you had been on the cliff with. “I covered up the receiver with the canvas as you asked, and we’ve been monitoring it this whole time, but we didn’t know how to decrypt it without you…”

“That’s okay, that’s my job after all.” You playfully shove your elbow into his side. “I’m just glad you’re both alive.” You smile genuinely at them, and you wonder if they're smiling back at you from under their helmets as well. The Empire may think that stormtroopers are easily replaceable, but this is your squad. And you intend to take care of them.

You take a step back to take a seat and start decrypting, but your back bumps into something, or rather someone. You turn around just in time to see Cal gesture to the purge trooper, who once again merely gives a short nod, then heads to the cockpit.

“Let’s get out of here,” is the last thing you hear him say before the cockpit and cargo doors close with a hiss, and the engines start.

Cal and you just stand there for a moment, looking at each other. 

“Are you going to say something?,” you go first. “Because if not, I have work to do.”

You sit down and he doesn't stop you, instead taking a seat next to you. You type away on the holopad, letter by letter, and the message starts forming. By typing with both hands you’re quicker, but the blanket keeps slipping down from your shoulders. Cal notices and picks it up, wrapping your form in it properly again, and then leaving his arm around you so it would stay there. You give him a quick ‘thanks’, but don't stop what you're doing. For a moment you wonder if you're giving him the silent treatment, and if so, why, but you really have to get this thing decrypted, so you focus on that for the time being. 

At some point, Cal carefully places his head on your shoulder, and when you don't shoo him away, he properly gets comfortable. By then, you've written a program to automate the decoding. It's a bit crude and not your best, but it works. Now the decrypted message appears much faster, and it seems to be mostly correct, except for the occasional letter here and there. The message is still clear and understandable, though, and you can feel your focus and energy quickly depleting, so you decide it’s good enough for now. You set it up so that the live decryption gets sent back to HQ as your receiver feeds the rebel comms into it.

Setting down your holopad on the seat next to you with a yawn, you gently stroke Cal’s cheek.

“You awake?” you ask softly, and he hums.

“You done?” he asks back, and you hum as well.

Then you sit in silence again. The constant rumbling of the ship, combined with your adrenaline completely gone now, is all inviting you to the sweet embrace of sleep.

“We have to talk when we get back,” is the last thing you manage to mumble before drifting into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

— — —

You wake up to your shoulder being shaken and the repeated call of your name. Your eyes shoot open and you sit up straight, immediately slumping back down with a wince as your whole body aches, both because of the whole river action earlier, and sleeping in such a weird position. 

Standing up with a grunt, you shiver as you look down at yourself: still without a jacket, your boots and trousers are stained with dirt, moss and sand. Your upper half must look even worse. Especially with the marks on your neck and who knows where else, courtesy of the inquisitor himself. So you grab the blanket and wrap it around yourself like a hooded poncho of sorts, hoping to hide most of your face and dirty clothes.

“I called earlier and they're waiting with a stretcher for you at the hangar,” Cal says as you try to hide both your head and legs, but the blanket clearly isn't big enough for that. You turn around with a raised eyebrow. “They're going to wrap you up and take you straight to medbay. So no one will see you.”

“How–”

“I may or may not have said that you might have a slight case of hypothermia.”

“We were on a planet with tropical climate,” you retort.

“I was convincing,” is all he says.

You can't question him further, as you feel the familiar sway of a landing ship. When it hits the ground with a ‘clunk’, everything happens so quickly: the cockpit and cargo doors open, and Cal suddenly picks you up bridal style. He places you onto the promised stretcher which is already waiting at the base of the ramp, and two med troopers quickly wrap you up in an emergency foil blanket. Just like that, you're taken to the medbay. 

After your check-up, they tell you that other than being a little shaken and dehydrated, you're fine. You're free to stay a little longer to rest up, but you can also leave if you feel like it. And just like that, you're alone in the little room. How Cal managed to convince them to give you the private medbay room, you still don't know. But at this point, you should probably be used to it. Inquisitors seem to get almost anything they want here. Albeit at a cost.

The cot is decently comfy, and you consider staying here for a couple more hours to nap and rest up, knowing you won't be interrupted. So you get comfortable with a sigh, and just as you find a good position to sleep in, the doors open. You groan, lifting the blanket over your face. 

“I thought you were asleep,” Cal says as the doors close behind him and he approaches your bed. 

“I was about to be,” you reply with a sigh and fold the blanket back down to sit up properly. You're about to ask him what he wants, when you see that he’s sporting several bandages, one on his jaw, and some on his torso, visible through the white shirt he’s wearing. 

“Are you okay?,” you ask and scoot over on the bed to make what little room you can spare for him to sit. However, he stays where he stands.

“Just a couple of scratches, I’ve had worse,” he replies, but it doesn’t make you feel better. “What about you?”

“Well, it’s not hypothermia,” you joke, in an attempt to ease the strange tension building between the two of you, but he doesn’t react. “I’ve basically been discharged. I was just about to nap, but… what is it?”

He looks at you as if he didn’t know what you mean. But the whole time, he’s been chewing the inside of his cheek. Clearly something is on his mind, and right now you don't have the energy to play the back and forth game.

“You want to tell me something, right? So, tell me.” You want to sound trusting, but it comes out harsher than you meant. He seems slightly taken aback.

“You said earlier you wanted to talk,” he retorts defensively. “And I understand.”

“What do you mean?”

He hesitates for a second.

“We don’t need to keep–” He looks for the right word. “–seeing each other.”

You pause for a moment, trying to dig deeper behind his words and try to get the real meaning out, but you're lost and rather shocked by his words.

“What do you mean?” you repeat yourself, alarmed.

He sighs, running his hand through his hair; he's nervous.

“I didn’t want you to see it,” he starts, avoiding looking at you. “It’s a side of me I didn't want you to see.”

“Oh,” you say, and you understand what he's getting at; the whole hunting and killing Jedi business. 

“What do you mean, ‘oh’?” he asks, his eyes finding yours and narrowing them at you. “Isn’t that what you wanted to talk about?”

“I mean, we can talk about it if you want to. I–” You sheepishly fidget with your fingers on your lap. You actually wanted to talk about how he treats his purge troopers, but this is far more important, you realise. “Yeah, let’s talk about that.”

Before he can inquire what you actually meant to talk about, you gesture for him to sit next to you. He still doesn’t move.

“Please sit,” you insist, and finally, he does. With the extra weigh dipping the mattress, you kind of lean into his side. You keep talking, both of you looking ahead. “Everything I said earlier, it still stands, you know.”

He doesn’t respond, so you continue.

“About the… warmth. And you being you and still deserving it.” You gingerly place your hand over his, and he momentarily flinches, but doesn’t pull away. “I’m not stupid, Cal. I know what you do. I’ve been aware of it from the start. And I simply don’t care. It’s not like my job is any better. My work also has… certain consequences, for others. And I’ve made peace with it.”

Finally you dare look up at him, his gaze still cast down. You can feel him trembling slightly though.

“You may be an inquisitor to others, but to me you're just Cal.” You squeeze his hand, and he squeezes back. “Cal who makes pancakes with me. Cal who calls in a stretcher for me so I can save myself the embarrassment of my boss seeing me being a dirty, flustered mess. Cal who would stab someone else for looking at me the wrong way.”

He chuckles lightly at that. You reach out to cup his face, and make him look at you.

“But also the Cal who has nightmares. Cal who is sometimes scared out of his mind. Cal who asks me to stay the night because he doesn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. I want all of them.” You pause for a second, but you’re too tired to fight the question that’s been pestering your mind for ages now. “And all those versions of Cal… they give me warmth too. Right?”

His shoulders slump slightly with a sharp exhale.

“They do,” he finally answers in a voice so small you almost miss it. 

“Glad we could clear that up then,” you say just as softly, and close the gap to place a kiss to his lips, and he reciprocates so tenderly, holding your face like it could crumble any moment and disappear through his fingers. 

You want to pull back from the kiss, but his lips follow yours, capturing them once again. Cal climbs on top of you, pushing you back down onto the mattress.

“Don’t you want to get back to–” you try offering to move to a better location, but your words are interrupted by the squeal you let out as he pinches your side. 

“We have to make up for lost time,” he states, getting back to attacking you with kisses, each one more and more ferocious.

You hear the distinct hiss of the doors opening, but Cal is quick to close them again with a quick flick of his wrist. From the other side, you can hear the nurse complaining. 

“The officer is busy,” Cal calls over his shoulder, looking down at you the way a predator looks at its prey. “Come back later.” 

— — —

Later that night, after a shower and slipping into your comfiest PJs, you’re both in his bed. Cal lies on his back and you have your head on his chest, drawing random figures onto his shirt. 

“Are you sure about this?” Cal asks for the hundredth time. 

“Yes,” you reassure him, propping yourself up on your elbow so you can place a kiss on his nose. “I’ll talk you through it. Just, try to stay in the dream. It will all work out, I promise.” 

“Right,” he sighs, closing his eyes, and takes a deep breath. 

You get back to cuddling into his side, and the even drumming of his heartbeat does quick work of lulling you to sleep.

It doesn’t take long, however, and you wake up to Cal twitching again. His brows are furrowed, his hands holding onto the bedsheet for dear life, and you sit up next to him, caressing his hair and holding his hand, whispering words of encouragement.

Cal is back on Bracca, collecting scraps from the same ships that he used to call home back when he was a Padawan. That seems so long ago now. Lifetimes ago. And maybe it is. 

What would his younger self think of what he is now? 

Cal stands at the edge of the partially stripped apart engine, impossibly small against the size of the machinery. A voice calls out to him, and he turns around. The world around him spins, turning into a blinding white, and he shields his eyes from the sudden change with his hands. 

“Why are you here?” a trembling voice asks.

Cal looks up, meeting his own eyes, still a greenish blue, of his 13-year-old self. Disappointment and horror etched into his little face.

“What have you done?” another voice spits condescendingly.

Cal whips around, now looking at his master, Jaro Tapal, looking at him in disgust. 

“Cal!” 

He turns around again, starting to get dizzy, and his body freezes up, he can’t breathe. He’s standing at the edge of a scrapper platform now, surrounded by other people he used to know, but all their faces are blurred or scratched out. However, he can clearly see Prauf, his good friend Prauf, confronting the Second Sister. She holds her sabre at his throat, the blade sizzling in the rain. The red hue reflects in Prauf’s eyes.

Cal instinctively reaches out to his belt, expecting to find his own lightsabre, but it’s not there. He looks down at himself, and sees that he’s donning full inquisitor armour. 

“Kill him,” the Second Sister orders.

Finally, Cal seems to be able to move and breathe again, and he takes a huge gulp of air. 

“I said, kill him,” she repeats.

“No,” Cal says, and she slowly turns around to him. 

“No?”, she chuckles, but the venom spills out of her voice like an overflowing glass of spotchka. It burns. 

Suddenly, Cal is shoved in her direction against his will, and his inquisitor lightsabre appears in his hand. His arm is lifted into the air by an invisible force, about to swing down on top of Prauf’s head. 

“Do it!” she yells, and Cal screams as well, trying with all his might to hold back his arm. 

He hates this, he wants out. It hurts too much. The force trying to push down his arm and the sad look in his friend’s eyes tear into his heart like iron claws, shredding everything in its way.

Cal can hear the Second Sister’s voice yelling, urging him to get it done, but he hears something else too: it’s you. Your voice cuts through the cacophony of the scrapping grounds, pushing away all sounds of machinery, drills, saws, the rain itself and the inquisitor’s voice. Shoving it all aside, there’s just you.

“It’s okay, Cal,” you say, and the oppressing force on his arm is lifted with every word of yours. “I’m here, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not alone.”

Finally, the force is gone entirely, and he screams in both pain and relief. Cal lets go of his weapon, which retracts mid-air with a whirr, and it falls to the ground. 

The world around him freezes, and everyone disappears. He’s back in the blinding white room, now  in his old scrapper outfit.

“Cal,” Prauf’s voice comes from behind him, and the redhead whips around. 

“My friend,” Prauf says warmly, as he always did, and stretches out his arms. A silent invitation. 

Cal hesitates only for a second, then gives in. Taking the few steps that separate the two, he lets himself be embraced by the Abednedo. Unable to hold back, he cries into his friend’s chest. 

“I’m sorry,” he rasps between sobs. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” the older man comforts him, lightly patting Cal’s back. “It’s not your fault.”

After a few more moments, when Cal’s cries subside, he pulls back to look up at Prauf.

“Why am I here?” he asks.

Prauf smiles down at him.

“I just wanted to let you know: it’s not your fault,” he says, placing his hands on the younger man’s shoulders and giving them a squeeze. “And to say thank you, for being my friend. I hope you found your way off Bracca and can have a peaceful life. You’ve been through so much, kid.”

Cal feels another wave of tears prickling behind his eyes.

“You never really belonged on Bracca, but I’m glad I met you,” Prauf says, his voice trailing off, as if swept off by the wind, as his image also starts disappearing from in front of Cal. “I hope you found your place.”

“No, wait!” he calls, trying to hold on to him, but his hands phase through the shadow of the figure still left.

Suddenly, Cal sits up on the bed with a scream, which takes you by surprise and you flinch backwards, falling onto your hands on the bed. 

He holds his shirt over his heart so tightly that his knuckles turn white, and with a broken sob, he lets himself fall back onto the bed. You hurry to scoot closer.

“You were right,” Cal says between sobs. “The Force was trying to get a message to me.”

That night, you hold him as he cries, this time not out of fear, but because he can finally allow himself to grief the loss of a friend from a long time ago.

I found my place, Prauf, Cal thinks, about to drift off to sleep after the exhaustion of crying takes over. He looks at you lying on his chest one last time, a soft smile spreading on his lips.

He hopes that some day, he’ll be able to find warmth just with you, not needing to resort to other methods ever again. And maybe then, finally, he can offer you all the warmth back that he forgot he held.

~~~~~

🐥 taglist: [link to join in my pinned post!] @dybynyght, @galaxtic-writings, @kalea-bane, @soka-writes-things, @padawancat97, @riddikulus-obsessions, @optimisticprime3, @starilicious, @ivelostmyabilitytoeven, @alternatescififandomelover, @lovelyygirl8, @cathyket

#goose feathers #cal kestis x reader #star wars cal x reader #jedi fallen order x reader #jedi survivor x reader #inquisitor cal x reader #inquisitor cal kestis x reader #inq!cal kestis x reader

[neo404]

Accidental Confession

Summary: you are friends with Matt, Nick and Chris; one night playing fortnite with Chris, you tell him about your crush, he asks you about them and discovers your crush is actually his older brother nick. you talked about wanting to ask him out on a date but being way too scared to ask him out, not knowing that nick was actually hanging out in Chris' room hearing all the conversation...

Warnings: swearing

Note: this is my first time publishing something pls be kinds, also english is NOT my first language, so excuse any mistakes ); pls

Your pov

"Dude, I can’t believe we fucking lost that round, that kid was insane". Chris sounds in my headphones as I stretch my arms a bit and let out a sigh.

"Yeah, it’s a bummer, I still wanna play a bit more, or are you tired?" I look at the clock in the corner of my monitor it reads12:36 it’s not that late but still I wanted to be sure.

"No, I’m fine, I can play for a while. So, how was your day?"

"Great, just the normal stuff" I say as the loading screen changes to the actual game. "I talked with my crush a bit, that was cool"

"What? wait, you have a crush?" Chris sounds between confused and exited.

"Yes? well, it’s more than that, I really like them."

"How come I didn’t know about this??" I grab my control when the game starts and play as I talk.

"I don’t know, I haven’t really told anyone, it’s kind of dumb really"

"Why would you say that? I mean, I’m sure your crush would like you back" I hear rustling in the other side of the line, a little thud like someone got up from a bed or a chair quickly and Chris mumbling.

"I just don’t think he likes me back, he’s so cool and handsome, also very popular, I’m sure he wouldn’t pay attention to me"

Nick’s pov

"Nick, shut up, imma play fortnite with y/n." I lower the volume on my phone and look at Chris' monitor, y/n's and Chris profile pictures filling the screen with the typical close call and add people settings at the bottom.

I look at y/n's photo and smile, it’s a good photo, I took it myself when we went out to the park a few weeks ago. I shake my head as I hear Chris scream something about winning all the round and doing a bet with y/n, I start scrolling again in my phone.

everything was normal until I hear Chris say "What? wait, you have a crush?" and I sit up in the bed, what is he talking about? is he talking about y/n? does he have a crush on someone?

"Who is it?" I whisper to Chris, concerned, nervous, what if it isn’t me? am I being overdramatic?

"Why would you say that? I mean, I’m sure your crush would like you back" Chris says and I can’t take it anymore, I stand up and almost trip with a wire that was laying across the room, and walk besides Chris I lean close to his headset so I can hear what they are talking about, this kid really needs to lower the volume of those things.

Your pov

"Maybe, I don’t know. we are just such good friends, also we have lots of friends in common, I don’t want to like ruin our friendship or anything" Chris just hums and I keep talking

"But sometimes he gives me mixed signal, like he grabs my hands or tells me I look handsome when I ask him to take pictures of me or gives me his hoodies when I’m cold and forget mine... but maybe he's just being friendly and I’m crazy" I let out a sigh as the screen displays the winning screen, we actually won a round tonight.

"But you'll never know unless you tell him"

"I have been thinking about it, I’m just too nervous to do it, also I want it to be perfect that’s why I wanted to talk to you about it" I start to get a little nervous, I know Chris could keep a secret, but this was different, it was about his brother, what if he doesn’t want me to date him? what if Nick already likes someone else?

I hear Chris chuckle "why? do I know him?"

"Yeah, really well, I mean, you grew up together"

"What? do you like-..." he doesn't get to finish the sentence, I cut him off.

"Nick. I like Nick..."

There is silence, I freak out a bit.

Nick’s pov

did I hear that right? y/n likes me? I look at Chris dumbfounded, the boy I have been annoying my brothers with how much I liked him and how perfect, handsome, smart and cute I thought he is likes me back.

"No way" I say out loud.

Chris tries to silence me but it’s too late, the microphone picked my voice up. I hear y/n freak out a bit, I can imagine him flustered and shocked, exactly how he gets when I compliment his outfits or his hair. I hear Chris apologizing and saying he didn’t mean to; he didn’t know it was me.

"I thing you two maybe... need to talk about this?" Chris laughs a bit, turns off his microphone and tells me to go to my room, I nod and rush to my room to open y/n's chat, I don’t know what to say, I type and erase everything. I don’t know if I should text him or if he will text me, I roll around in the bed restless waiting for a notification.

Your pov

"CHRIS WHAT THE FUCK??" I yell to the screen

"I’m sorry dude, I didn’t know, I mean, maybe I knew but I wasn’t with a bad intention, Nick was just here and I didn’t think he would listen"

"Shit, shit... it's okay... what do you mean you knew??"

"I mean, you two are like crazy for each other. no offence but it was getting stupidly crazy how you two are just blind, like the way you look at each other, talk, and fucking blush... insane."

"What? no, Nick doesn't... does he?" I cover my face with my hands and let out a groan, I’m so fucking stupid.

"I think Nick is waiting to talk with you, you guys should talk, it will be all right, I promise, he doesn’t stop talking about you. good night"

"Good night, Chris... thanks" I hung up the call and put my head set on the table, closing all the tabs in my computer and shutting it off. I throw myself into the bed, grab my phone and call Nick.

it rings once, he picks up, and doesn’t say anything.

"Hi..." I say quietly "I didn't know you were there; I understand if you don’t feel the same way..."

"don't fucking start with that bullshit y/n, I like you, you idiot" my face heats up, I let out a big sigh so relief.

"Oh my god, I was so scared... so, would you like to go out tomorrow?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" Nick is smiling, I can’t tell from how his voice sounds

"Yes, of course I am, dinner and maybe movies at my place, whatever, I just want to see you"

"Yes, to everything."

"All right then, see you tomorrow then. I’ll go pick you up at 7:40"

"Sounds amazing, good night" he hangs up, I can’t stop smiling, I text Chris, he sends me a picture of Nick entering his room with a wide smile on his face and Matt behind him with a smirk.

I better sleep quickly to see him sooner.

I’m so lucky, he likes me back.

#nick sturniolo x you #nick sturniolo x reader #nick sturniolo x male reader

[urachiiiiii]

masterlist for my human au atwow headcanons!!

(mostly for reference when I'm writing so there's some pretty specific things; might update it ocasionally)

Jake

slight dad bod

either in classical home depot dad attire or using the clothes from his 20s there's no in between

looks great with stubble and goes days without shaving but never to the point of growing a full beard (says it makes him look old)

used to have a "show me your boobs if you hate racism" shirt but Neytiri made him get rid of it when she got pregnant

uses the same beat-up running shoes from when he was a teen for any occasion

a sucker for bands from his teens to this day. will die loyal to the late 90s bc he's a young soul (Neytiri says he's just a manchild)

lets his hair grow out after the navy and it makes him look so much younger. Neytiri is actually spooked at how much he looks like he traveled back in time to his teens

used to pick up Spider to go to school when his dad wouldnt take him

never reads the instructions on how to assemble the ikea furniture but somehow gets it done perfectly every single time

cried when he found out about Kiri's first time bc his little girl was growing up too fast for him to keep up

big Queen enthusiast and raised his kids knowing every lyric to every song. if he's listening to bohemian rhapsody on the living room speakers you BET every single one of the Sullys will belt out the mama part no matter how far away they are located

likes to play rough with the kids like he did with Tommy when they were small and they all love it but he doesn't do it as much ever since Tuk hit her head on the ceiling when she was 5

used one of Neytiri's organic face masks once only to discover he's allergic to nuts. one trip to the ER later and now they are forbidden to enter the house

insists on driving the whole way on road trips even though Neytiri insists on switching

swears like a sailor and has to hold himself near Tuk because she's a big copycat and Neytiri wants her to be innocent for a little longer unlike her other children

emotionally stunted to the point where he really wants to express his feelings but it just doesn't come out bc he was never taught how to properly do so when he was young. his love language is more based on actions rather than words because of that

too hardheaded to wear sunscreen, always goes home from the beach looking like a shrimp

don't talk to him before his morning coffee

Neytiri

absolutely despised Jake's accent and taught him out of it once he moved to Pandora (pretend it's a country and not a planet) just bc she was so annoyed whenever he talked

forced every single one of the kids (and Jake) to download life360 ever since Tuk got lost in the mall and they found her hiding inside a mannequin's skirt three hours later

her love language is physical affection, always hugging and kissing and patting her children's heads even if they complain

very liberal about subjects that would embarrass other parents; she was raised without shame and is very comfortable with human nature. whenever the kids need to confide something like first periods, first times and emotional stuff like they always go to her first

Mo'at is black and Eytukan was traditional na'vi; her dark skin tone is her mother's but she inherited her father's hair so it's naturally straight like in the movies. Neteyam's hair is like hers but Lo'ak and Tuk's are like their grandma's

cleans the entire house whenever she needs to calm herself

hc her working as an elementary teacher, inspired by her own experience with Grace and how well she did; she wishes she could be a good influence for young children as her own teacher was

really loud inside her own home, yells a lot even when she's not mad, she's just a naturally loud speaker

threw Lo'ak's GTA cd out the window like a frisbee when she found out you could hire hookers and run over people

early bird, wakes up at like 5 in the morning even on the weekends

uses organic and/or homemade products on her hair and skin

always snacking on some fruit

walks around the house naked all the time as if they didn't have any windows or neighbors

after her dad's death she has at least one of his personal beads on her hair at all times. even when it's loose she makes one tiny braid to put a bead on

really tall and slender body, Tuk says she's built like a model

eats about anything people offer her, no matter how exotic. Jake still gags when he remembers the beetle incident on their honeymoon

Neteyam

Starboy is his favorite album of all time (sidewalks is his and Lo'ak's ultimate comfort song bc it has kendrick in it)

has asthma but even so he's really good at most sports as long as he doesn't overdo it

kind of a fuckboy but not in a player way. he just doesn't have the time for anything serious so he blows off some steam once in a while but doesn't commit. he makes his intentions clear for everyone involved tho

very clean and needs to take at least 2 showers everyday or else he feels icky

no gag reflex (really cool party tricks except when he actually chokes on something)

got his belly button pierced so that he could match his mother's own. also let Kiri pierce his septum after she pierced her nose (it got infected oops)

loves dancing and knew basically all the choreos in dance central by heart. is too shy to go off in public though unless his siblings dance with him or he's drunk

shoe crazy. has so many pairs and treats them all so well, doesn't let anyone borrow them and if you step on one of those you might just as well jump off a bridge. you're dead mate

made fun of his mom for playing candy crush once but ended up downloading it and liking the game more than she did (still plays it to this day unironically)

splotch of vitiligo on the back of his neck the shade of his dad's skin that kind of resembles texas (Jake tells him it's the only real proof people need to know he's actually his son. Lo'ak calls him 99 dark chocolate)

has a very high pain tolerance but secretly likes to be coddled so he turns into a baby whenever he gets a harmless injury just so people can take care of him

sagittarius

contact lenses for reading but has a pair of glasses he uses sometimes when at home

when Ao'nung flirted with him at first he would scoff and act annoyed but started to miss it when he stopped doing it because he asked to

never actively came out to his parents. they just used their sixth sense and decided he was gay one day when he was a boy and once he grew up and didn't correct them they just went w it

overall masculine but picked some feminine traits from his mother and grandma (sitting w his legs crossed, painting his nails, tweezing his eyebrows and using feminine clothing sometimes)

Neytiri's face with Jake's body

really ticklish

Kiri

on the spectrum

nonbinary but doesn't really care about how she passes, pronouns and stuff like that. mostly just does her thing whenever and however she feels like it

sneezes like a grandpa

natural ginger but dyes her hair black bc she doesn't like standing out from her siblings too much (being white is already enough)

had a colossal crush on Spider when going through puberty but will never admit it

had her first epileptic episode when watching Lo'ak play geometry dash on the family tablet; the game has since been banned from the house to her brothers dismay

cuts her hair herself

paints all over her walls

has mild emetophobia so she doesn't drink or go on roller coasters bc she's scared she'll throw up; gags whenever she hears the sound of gagging

pierced the side of her nose and gave herself 2 stick and poke tattoos when she was 15; Neytiri was furious she didn't ask her to do it instead

loathes the feeling of Jake's stubble due to her sensory issues but still makes an effort when it's hugging/kissing time bc she knows he likes it and doesn't want him to feel bad and shave it

freckles and moles all over her body

has more body hair than most girls but refuses to shave and sometimes paints her arm hair just to see people's baffled reactions

bites down on things and people randomly out of nowhere and no one knows why, not even herself (her favorite target is Tuk's head)

stims by pulling her hair, listening to the same song over and over again, rocking back and forth and (strangely) smelling Rotxo

VERY sensitive to smells. steers far away from Lo'ak whenever he hasn't showered in a bit or starts sweating

doodles on every single thing in her possession. the whole bathroom mirror is full of drawings and even if someone cleans it they just come back

not shy at all, just an introvert. most people actually think she's very pleasant and knows how to carry a good conversation (she simply chooses not to)

aquarius

had the nasty habit of putting her finger inside people's mouths when they yawned; stopped doing that after Neytiri bit her once

Lo'ak

astoundingly HORRIFYING posture. his shadow looks like a tim burton character

lactose intolerant but loves cheesy things (always forgets his lactase tablets and has to go running to the bathroom whenever he eats out)

managed adhd and anger issues

aries (surprise surprise)

considers himself bi but would rather DIE than actually enter a romantic relationship with a man

used to make gagging sounds at Kiri just to see her suffer whenever she pissed him off when they were kids. stopped after she actually threw up one day and his mom yelled at him

real life definition of light skin stare; caramel skin, blue eyes like his daddy, jaw and cheekbones to kill for and full lips. constantly doing The Face™ just to see Tuk laugh

acts tough but is kind of a pussy and gets scared really easily when it comes to horror movies, roller coasters and stuff like that

has a big brownish burn mark on his hip from when he tried to make french fries and dropped a pan of hot oil; tells people he just has vitiligo like his brother but for some reason they don't believe him (doesn't know that vitiligo only comes in white and his siblings don't tell him bc its funny seeing him embarrass himself)

sleeps with his mouth open and drools an ocean every night, constantly has to wash the pillow cover

whenever his mom has an appointment at the beauty salon he goes with her just to see Tsireya working. secretly likes it when she has free time and practices on his nails but would rather be caught dead than say it out loud

calls his sister a racist whenever she says anything against him and watches her get flustered and splutter like its the funniest thing in the world (it indeed is)

pierced one ear but passed out when Neytiri went to pierce the other bc he has no pain tolerance whatsoever

doesn't stink per se, he's always got some cologne and body spray on and has good hygiene; the thing is he sweats really easily and has a naturally strong body odor so he doesn't smell all the time, but when he does its really strong

in love with Tsireya's stomach rolls

Jake's face with Neytiri's body

Tuktirey

despite common belief she is definitely NOT an ipad kid. this child runs around jumping anywhere every chance she gets; very physically active and can't stand still playing with one thing for too long

has absolutely no shame at all. runs around butt-naked and uses the toilet with her siblings still in the bathroom all the time, simply couldn't give less of a fuck (it's a Neytiri trait but she will never admit it)

watches coryxkenshin with Neteyam every chance they get and both enjoy it equally bc he's funny as hell and family friendly at that

has a gap on her front teeth she uses to squirt choco milk out of (Lo'ak thinks it's the funniest shit he's ever seen but Neteyam always yells at her when she does it)

loves touching her dad's stubble and loves it when he gives her kisses because it tickles

taller than most kids her age (Neytiri hopes she grows even more before her first period so that she doesn't stop growing and end up a sixth-grade sized teen)

crackhead gemini

knows more than the grown ups think she does but acts innocent and clueless to create awkward moments because she likes seeing them squirm (menace)

has a really slow brain to mouth filter, always says the rudest and most awkward things even when she doesn't mean to, ends up embarrassing people really easily

loves feeling useful, you could ask her to paint the fence with water and she would do it if she thought it was helping you

really easy to please; plays with girl and boy toys, uses boy and girl clothes, could be satisfied both by going to the movies or playing on a puddle of mud

took a while to speak and her first word was "dumb" after seeing Neteyam walk into a glass door

annoys her siblings until they let her tag along to their teenage adventures; thankfully most of their friends like her

covers for the teens when they need but it always comes with a cost (makes them buy candy and robux for her)

kind of kid to crawl inside public bathroom stalls through under the door (Neytiri and Kiri can't let go of her hand anymore when they go)

Tonowari

Maori king

built like a refrigerator, works out but somehow still manages to have a beer belly

even tho he's always busy at work he finds time to do house chores, not just because he wants to ease Ronal's burden but also bc he actually likes acting like a housewife (it relaxes him)

meanest man to ever exist behind a grill. doesn't matter if he shouldnt or cant, he WILL grill every single thing in his line of sight

fishing dad!! takes the kids on fishing trips monthly and they love it. has a picture of him with a fish about his size from when he was twelve and cherishes it to this day

was a really cool guy in his teens, a total chick magnet and competed in surfing. his childhood acquaintances say how much Ao'nung reminds of him back then all the time and he's so proud of it

passed out in the room seeing Ao being born. thought he was prepared when it was Tsireya's turn but Ronal passed out so he did too

inhumane alcohol tolerance; usually when they have a cookout he drinks the whole day without even realizing and everybody wonders if he's secretly an alcoholic but no. he's just built different

the other women in the neighborhood are soooo jealous of Ronal because he's the best husband ever

didn't actually plan on becoming mayor; the people actually asked him to do so because he's so likable and such a natural leader it was such a great fit

has really full eyebrows he also passed on to his kids. Ronal tries tweezing them but he doesn't let her

socks with sandals

does woodwork as a hobby, creates some beautiful traditional stuff and actually built most of the furniture in the house. currently making a big swing for when the baby is a bit older (Ao and Reya are jealous)

the house they currently live in is a house built long ago that is passed down to the respective mayors. it was already a really nice house but he made sure to renovate all of it himself bc he's a handy dad

built a small pool house in the backyard under the excuse that the teens needed a spot to hang out when they have friends over. he secretly meant for it to be Rotxo's space for when he needed some alone time. he let it decorate it the way he liked and it's more of a guest house nowadays bc his nephew managed to turn the thing into an actual livable place

accidentally one-ups all the dads in town without noticing ("oh your son started swimming? thats really nice, Ao'nung started at three years old! :D)

Ronal

was a family doctor but decided to quit once she got pregnant to focus on her family. is now the headmaster of Awa'atlu's local high school and the students are terrified of her (she loves it)

wine mom

also an ingredient mom

people think she's so much younger than Tonowari but she's actually the oldest one (she's past her fifties don't tell anyone)

has a big wooden box of every gift and letter the kids have given her throughout the years

gossiping is one of her favorite pastimes but she's not fake about it. she'll talk shit ab you for sure AND will do it to your face too but will also give you advice if you ask her for it

skincare queen!! full of oils and lotions to prevent stretch marks when she's pregnant, always smells divine because of it

knits whenever she's stressed out. usually does rugs and blankets though since Awa'atlu is so damn warm no one would be insane enough to put on a sweater

made a handmade individual album for every one of the kids from their birth to now

has mad steel guts; could see a plane crash and burn right in front of her and wouldn't even flinch, which is good for emergencies but also freaks people out (understandably). her excuse is that being a doctor and raising three children does that

made sure all of her births were natural just to prove she was strong enough to do so even though no one ever doubted her

Roa (pretend shes a bulldog) was a pregnancy gift from Rotxo's dad (who was also her twin). she didn't like it that much bc shes not really big on animals but when he died she warmed up to her because she reminded her of her brother. now they even sleep in the same bed and nobody is allowed to discipline Roa but her because she "doesn't want any of them treating her badly"

strict open door and visible hands policies when people come over

treats Rotxo as if he was her own son and will murder anyone that dares say otherwise

she was pregnant once before Ao'nung but had a miscarriage due to stress; it was one of the main reasons she quit her job, she didn't want to risk that happening again and feeling that amount of pain once more

wasnt really big on the idea of tattoos when she was younger and didn't want to do any even if it was part of the Metkayina culture. changed her mind instantly when she saw Tonowari's first tattoo and how great it looked on him

always know when the kids are up to no good and think they're slick (side eyes Tsireya whenever her and Lo'ak are under a blanket together and never lets Ao and Neteyam sleep in the same room)

is harder on Ao'nung rather than her other children not because he's the eldest but because she sees so much of her teen self in him. she doesn't want him to lose his best years by isolating himself due to being so judgemental like she was

does most of her chores with Tsireya and really appreciates how much she takes after her father - she always offers help right away and does everything with a smile on her face even if she doesn't know how to do it and she really admires her daughter for it

Ao'nung

looks great with facial hair but doesn't grow a beard bc his mom doesn't let him (it reminds her of how old she's getting so she makes him shave it off). once he's finally able to rock a light goatee without her interfering she swoons at how handsome her big baby looks

used to be a chubby kid but after puberty and several growth spurts along with swimming he's in pretty good shape for his age. also works out with his dad sometimes

could wash his hair with only dish soap and it would still be naturally majestic. only uses plain shampoo and conditioner (it revolts everyone in the house)

tallest in the friend group and keeps putting things out of people's reach because he's kind of a dick

got a matching traditional Metkayina tattoo with Rotxo as soon as he turned eighteen (Ronal let the younger one do it even though he wasn't of age just because she thought it was so cute)

really squirmish unlike his mother and will pass out immediately at the sight of blood

doesn't listen to music all that much, so his taste is mostly Rotxo's and Tsireya's songs

the only reason they got a pool built in the first place was because of him. develops chronic depression whenever he's dry for too long (Ronal says his father used to be just like him and compares him to a little fish)

snacks on the most diabolical things ever (raw pasta with peanut butter and such delicacies) because hes too lazy to cook a proper meal just for himself

talks big talk but actually can't fight for his life 💀 the attitude makes up for it at least

best swimmer Awa'atlu High has seen ever since his dad

plays the guitar and had a band with Rotxo and Reya just for shits and giggles. they were actually pretty good

laughs at people presenting in front of the class (when its his turn he tells them to shut up)

although he's really known at school due to his abilities and parents most of the kids don't like him because of his resting bitch face syndrome, they think he's stuck-up when he's actually just chilling

leo

snores like a truck

kind of mf to turn to you in class with the most devilish grin when the teacher is scolding you just so you laugh and get scolded even more

asked Rotxo to share a room with him because he didn't want to be lonely

Rotxo

goes surfing to Three Brothers Rocks at least once a month to smoke with Ao

baby blue and aqua green braces

younger than Ao'nung but is one year ahead so he's in his grade

pisces

very insecure ab his looks because he's smaller than others his age and has braces and acne scars. truth is he's a cutie pie and once he hits his last stop in puberty train he's going to be a chick magnet

his hair routine is insanely detailed. puts a lot of effort into it and it shows. absolutely beautiful curls

naturally smart; doesn't make as much of an effort as Neteyam or Tsireya but still has above average grades

sometimes people look at him and just laugh because he zones out so often it looks like there are absolutely no thoughts behind those big ol green eyes

even though he's smart, the subjects only make sense in his own head, so he is a terrible teacher

will be talking to you looking like a cutie patootie while listening to the most explicit horniest whorish songs on planet earth on his earphones. AND he knows all the lyrics too

asked Tonowari for a huge aquarium in the living room, takes care of the little fishies religiously and knows how to differentiate all of them, also gave them all names

certified munch

pretty shy but once he gets to know you says the most out of pocket things ever because he hardly has any filter. so unintentionally funny

drops a beat out of nowhere and gets everyone cronk about it because its actually pretty good (Lo'ak starts freestyling on it but they all shut him down real quick)

makes bracelets and necklaces for the people he loves

the type of person to start telling a story and have a laughing fit in the middle of it so no one actually understands it by the end

an absolute beast on the drums. actually the only way he found to healthily manage his anger so whenever he plays he goes all out to the point it's just scary (or hot but that's for you to decide)

Tsireya

slightly chubby and has wide hips and big thighs like her mother; used to be insecure about it but started not minding as much as she got older.

very healthy, loves salad and fruit and natural juices and smoothies and all of the things most teens hate

loves pink. its her favorite color of all time and she has dyed some streaks of her hair when she was younger (didn't look great but she loved it regardless bc it was pink!!)

started working in a beauty salon and trained her nail painting skills on everyone for a month. nobody complained bc she's actually really talented and they came out great everytime

big sza beyonce and doja cat gal. ocasionally listens to kim petras bc she's pretty and bc she thinks some of her songs are funny

loves sweet things for breakfast

takes a lot after her mother in her mannerisms but looks just like her father and is a total daddy's girl

carries a huge 2-liter hydroflask with a dangling bell keychain with her everywhere she goes and it annoys the shit out of everyone. doesn't care bc shes unbothered hydrated and flourishing

always wearing lip gloss

watches courteezy religiously and thinks she's the funniest

has a pet hamster named Shuu The Third; the other two didn't manage to escape Tonowari's grasp (he sat on them)

has an entire desk in her room just for doing her makeup. it's a very natural aesthetic, never looks exaggerated but it takes a lot of care nevertheless

in love with Lo'ak's smile. thinks he's the most handsome boy alive

very girly girl and takes a lot of pride in it, people usually thinks she's dumb or superficial bc of her looks but she's full of personality and really smart; actually just likes the process of putting effort into her appearance

has HELLISH periods. her parents were actually scared she was developing a personality disorder after puberty because her pms turns her into a straight up bitch (turns out she just had endometriosis and was in excruciating pain most of the time)

has the voice of an angel and would sing on her brothers band just because she liked seeing them have fun with something other than swimming and surfing

ugliest laugh of all time. sounds like that one girl on that vine "not to be racist or anything but asian people..."

makes her own scented candles and spreads them all around the house

really good dancer, made her own dance club with some of her friends at school

cancer

Spider

speaks fluent spanish

runs real fast and also does parkour. doesn't even break a sweat, this boys got some insane stamina

huge '80s and '90s latino music fanboy bc of his mama

the kind of dude to say stuff like "later skater", "smell you later" and "deuces" unironically

legally changes his name to Spider Socorro as soon as he gets the chance (middle name is Oscar so it actually spells S.O.S which he thinks is rad as fuck)

only smaller than Ao'nung in their friend group and constantly being asked to pick things up from high places

absolute whore for spicy food and has crazy tolerance. Lo'ak always challenges him to food competitions (loses every time)

had a gigantic crush on Kiri while going through puberty and lowkey still does but he cherishes their friendship too much to tell her. kind of also thinks she deserves better

breaks bones like they're made of glass bc he has no survival instincts and throws himself off of ledges and small buildings like it's nothing thinking he has plot armor

hair straight in the roots, wavy in the middle and curly in the ends. absolute mad genetics

corniest mf to ever exist, will use the most stupid pickup lines ever but he enjoys it so much they actually turn funny

not exactly ripped but he does have plenty of muscle and the girls in school all wonder what he does to have a six pack (absolutely nothing, just climbs walls all day and has crazy metabolism privileges)

skates ever since he was a kid, total sk8er boy

terrible swimmer, can't hold his breath for shit

his closet consists of flannels and jeans and one single pair of beat up black converses

taurus

has dyslexia so has a hard time at school and barely gets any help from his father, Neteyam and Kiri do their best to help him though

#avatar #avatar 2 #atwow #jake sully #neytiri #neteyam #kiri #lo'ak #tuktirey #tonowari #ronal #aonung #tsireya #rotxo #headcanon #atwow hcs #aonunete #loak x tsireya #kiri x rotxo #kiri x spider #atwow headcanons #tuk #loak #ao'nung

[prettyjunk]

dating hc for izzy!!

izzy stradlin x reader

sfw headcanons!

sorry i’ve been absent!! :< i’ve been pretty busy lately, trying to focus mostly on my wattpad book (b sure to check that out for me<3) but i do have a couple mini requested fics that are soon to be ready :) so expect that!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧

what is there to say about mr jeffrey dean isbell..

even though he seems like a very quiet, overall gloomy person, he really isn’t like that. izzy has a big personality, he just knows when and where to be the way he truly is.

you discovered this pretty soon into your relationship. he would joke about stuff here and there, using sarcasm every-single-time he spoke to you. as soon as you gained his trust— he unraveled completely.

he’s funny as shit. and this is not only behind closed doors, he usually makes you burst out laughing when you go out as he whispers random comments about prejudgments on people surrounding you both. this is something that you obviously you didn’t expect the first time you met him, and yet it’s one of his biggest features.

izzy’s not really a touchy person, specially in public. he’s not a fan of pda; but he always keeps you close. if you’re not right next to him, he ogles you until you realize where you’re supposed to be.

funny enough— a lot of alcohol does make him clingy.

but only when he’s really really really drunk. to the point where he’s on the verge of blacking out (which is pretty often, actually.) you’d find him falling asleep on a table, and when you check to see if he’s breathing, he holds onto you and doesn’t let go for dear life.

obviously if you mention this the day after, he denies completely. too hurtful for his pride— he has a reputation to keep!

he really enjoys matching with you <3 he buys shirts the same colors of your favorite clothing items, so you guys “unexpectedly” match sometimes.

a sweet detail he does; he writes about you all the time. anything that comes to mind, anywhere and everywhere. tiny fragments written on a unreadable handwriting that sometimes make no sense— but they’re always about you.

izzy writes on napkins, receipts, newspaper edges, ripped out pages that are all around his house. everywhere. he never lets you see them if you ask, but he leaves them all over the place to make sure you do.

he loves having you around. not for a particular reason, he just feels more at ease if you’re there. so there’s no discussion when he goes on tour; you’re either going or you’re going.

even when he was full-on an addict— he didn’t like the idea of you being near drugs. as hypocritical as it sounds, he gets really overprotective when people offer you strong drugs at parties, or suggest you try anything that’s not alcohol or weed. everyone picked at him for doing so; but he knows it’s not right, and he doesn’t want it for you.

big gift giver!! but not in a materialist way, more in a— i saw this and it reminded me of you so i bought it kind of way. so let’s not talk about the enormous amount of jewelry you have.

he prefers staying at home, eating leftovers and talking, than dressing up and going to a restaurant. he doesn’t really enjoy going out like that, saying that it’s a waste of energy, money, and gas. he’s a really simple guy.

izzy’s favorite thing to do is making you blush. he really enjoys embarrassing you in public so your cheeks turn red and you have to look away— and he usually has it so fucking easy. he just needs to whisper little compliment, touch you unexpectedly, kiss your neck, and so on.

he really enjoys traveling with you. specially road-trips, izzy loooooooves road-trips. so weekend getaways happened almost every weekend he wasn’t touring.

and he specially likes poorly planned, cheap little vacations. he likes just making a backpack and going away with you, staying at hostels or camping.

you often find izzy staring at you. and he doesn’t stop when you realize he is— he just really enjoys studying your features, engraving them in his mind. if he was good at painting, be completely confident that he could draw you perfectly from memory.

he’s not really good with spoken reassurance, but he finds his ways to remind you that he loves you. and it’s usually by compliments— not a day goes by where he doesn’t remind you how lovely you look, or how beautiful you are.

and the most important headcanon for me,

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

IZZY STRADLIN ENJOYS BEING THE LITTLE SPOON.

izzy stradlin enjoys being the little spoon.

izzy stradlin enjoys being the little spoon.

izzy stradlin enjoys being the little spoon.

#i could talk about him for hours but i think i said enough #izzy stradlin #izzy stradlin x reader #guns n’ roses #gnr #guns n roses x reader #jeffrey dean isbell

[jackfrombaskinrobbins]

thor as your s/o headcanons!!

type of writing: headcanons / scenario

word count: 560

request: yes / no

original request: heyy! idk if you write abt thor, but if you’re willing would you be able to do just some generic headcanons about being his s/o &lt;3

dynamic: thor odinson x reader

characters: reader, thor odinson

a/n: thank you for this request!! i love thor sm omg <33 hopefully it's good-- i haven't done s/o headcanons in a while lol :D in general news, requests are still open, just send in an ask!

taglist: @nutellani @thecloudedmind

(fill out this form if you'd like to be on my taglist!!)

-----------------------✰----------------------

thor is the sweetest ever

and when i say ever i mean EVER

i’d say he would be the type to make you breakfast every morning

like very stereotypical movie rom-com romantic

he’s always really enthusiastic

thor is totally willing to try anything like any time you go on a date you do something different

once you went rock climbing

idk why that’s just what i thought of HAH

he didn’t really like it though because the rocks were all “too small and too slippery”

so he just sat on the side the rest of the time to cheer you on

OO AND ONCE YOU WENT BOWLING

and well…

thor doesn’t always know his own strength

so he chucks the ball super easily

and sometimes it’ll go in other people’s lanes

but usually they don’t mind because it’s a strike anyway

he also insists on playing with the bumpers up 

i feel like he would bring you home anything that looks interesting

and he always wraps the things up in wrapping paper

and y’all

that man fr can wrap a gift

they always look immaculate

here’s how it goes

so you’ll come home and he’ll already be at the door

and he always has this little smile

this like mischievous yet pure smile

and a sparkle in his eye

when i say sparkle i mean like a sparkle fr he’s adorable

anyways he’ll always have his hands behind his back

and he’ll say 

“ close your eyes and hold out your hands!! “

and you’ll just grin bc you know what’s coming ofc

but once you open it the thing could be anything from a cake to a lampshade

yes you read that right

a lampshade

he just thought it looked pretty !!!!!

and so it reminded him of you :) 

awwwwwwwww

omg thor is a blanket hog

that’s just facts

like you’ll be on the couch watching something & you’ll feel the blanket start to move slightly

and then more

and then more

and you’ll say something 

AND HE LITERALLY PRETENDS TO BE ASLEEP 

so you just let him have it

he also calls you a lot

like a lot a lot

he leaves messages

just to tell you little things

“ hey, y/n!! look outside!! there’s a rainbow!! goodbye!!”

“ hello y/n. there’s a big threat to the universe right now so i will be home late for dinner. i am so sorry! goodbye!!”

“ y/n!!! it’s me, thor! i think we should consider getting a young dog. i believe it would be fun!! goodbye!!”

i also think he would discover emojis later than everyone else

and so he thinks they’re really cool

ummmm he also buys you a lot of matching stuff

like keychains & hats & shirts

it’s so cute

OH 

i also think he likes to sing to you

guys ik it’s cheesy BUT 

he actually has a really nice voice.

he really likes frank sinatra & ella fitzgerald & that era of music

but also the man can whip out some mean rihanna if he wants to!!

like i said before he’s just the sweetest

ok last thing

yk when it’s dark & you have clothes in the corner of your room and you think it’s a monster

he thinks that a lot

like he’ll just yell in the middle of the night

& he makes you investigate it LMAO

IDK HE’S JUST THE BEST

-----------------------✰----------------------

#thor headcanons #thor #thor odinson #thor odinson headcanons #marvel #marvel headcanons #mcu #mcu headcanons #thor odinson x reader #thor x reader

[lemonlyman-dotcom]

Hi 🍋

I know you're busy with your rewatch but I was wondering cause I miss your rec lists: do you have a rec list for fics that heavily feature the 126's different religions? Them celebrating different holidays or discussing stuff or such?

Would love to see such a list, I feel like the fandom should have a general list where these fics are featured 💙

Hi anon!! Thank you so much for this lovely ask! Perfect timing, actually, because the fic I’m writing now, which I’ve affectionately been calling Eid Fic, centers around Marjan’s relationship with her faith and her family. It will heavily feature Marjan & TK discussing their own faiths, and sharing memories of holidays, fasting and family. And also how they grow together over the years and form their own found family.

I’m sorry my rec lists have fallen to the side lately! You are not the only person who’s asked me about them, and I promise they’re coming back! I’ve just been feeling a little overwhelmed lately (can you just be whelmed?). But I love any excuse to rec some of the amazing fics in this fandom. And this theme in particular is really exciting to me because we don’t have nearly enough of it! I have scoured by memory and my bookmarks for you, and here’s what I’ve found. Unsurprisingly, it mostly focuses on Carlos and TK’s faiths.

Disclaimer: this is by no means a comprehensive list, it is just what I remembered and what I found. If you know of other fics that feature religion, especially other characters, please reply/reblog with the links!

Carlos - Catholicism

The Line I'd Walk (For You) by TearsThisSideofHeaven Carlos lights a candle and says a prayer to St. Florian, the patron saint of firefighters when TK returns to work after being shot. TK asks him where he goes, so Carlos brings him to church one morning.

What is Sown, What is Grown by @never-blooms Carlos character study, beautiful glimpse into Carlos’s experience growing up Tejano and how his family shaped him.

I Swear I Love You (Te Juro Que Te Amo) by @never-blooms Nochebuena fic!! Beth gives us a really beautiful look at Nochebuena, which is the Christmas Eve holiday in Latinx cultures! This fic is full of everything you would expect from a good Nochebuena party: family, nosy siblings and aunties, chisme, delicious food and so much music.

to build a home by @freneticfloetry Carlos Begins, this fic follows Carlos from childhood through present day. Courtney gives us a lot of beautiful insight into Carlos’s background and culture, and there is some exploration of religious aspects especially in the last chapter.

And if you will allow a couple from me 🤭

I'm Not A Fortress, But I Will Try To Protect You TK & Marjan get together for pie after Marj breaks up with Salim and before TK goes back to Carlos. Marjan voices her fear of disappointing her parents with the news of the breakup, and TK offers to be there for her when she makes the phone call. Marjan also gives TK some perspective on what it was probably like for Carlos growing up in a conservative religious home.

The Greatest Gift I’ve Found, The Sweetest Thing I’ve Known My Nochebuena fic!! It’s got some holiday traditions and a lot of family love.

TK - Judaism

knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door by rakketyrivertam Five prayers TK sang for other people, and one he sang for himself

a case of cruel to be kind by @maxbegone This is a really lovely AU based on the movie About Time. The plot is that TK discovers he can travel back in time to events in his past, and that he inherited the gift from Gwyn. But at the heart of the story is a really beautiful examination of Gwyn and TK’s relationship. This includes a look at some traditional Jewish funeral and grieving practices, through the eyes of TK after Gwyn’s passing.

The last day of Hanukkah by @ladytessa74 A very sweet little Hanukkah fic set in Tessa’s Elijah verse, in the future where Tarlos has a four-year-old named Elijah. This story gives us a glimpse of Hanukkah in the Strand-Reyes house, the little traditions and the food.

Looking at it now, it all seems so simple by @liminalmemories21 Enzo and Jonah come to town, set between seasons 3 & 4 (though S4 kinda makes it an AU now 😖). Explores TK’s relationship with his faith through Carlos’s eyes, they celebrate Hanukkah and have a Shabbos dinner, and there are a few conversations about what parts of their own cultures and religions they want to bring into the family they’re forming, and how they want to raise any future kids.

Rosa Mundi by fiddlersgreen TK, Carlos and Owen go to New York for Gwyneth's funeral. I must admit it’s been a minute since I read this, but this author gives a really lovely perspective of what Gwyn’s funeral might have been like with the Jewish traditions and customs.

#911 lone star #911 lone star fic #911 lone star religious fic #tarlos fic #tarlos fic rec #911 lone star fic rec #ask #thanks anon!!!

[soul-controller]

Hey everyone, I hate to disappoint but I just wanted to share that there’s no way that the Halloween event can happen anymore this year.

My manager at my job initially promised me that I would be able to have a set schedule where I could have 4 days off a week so I could properly devote time to getting my writing done. Unfortunately, two people quit and my schedule for the next few weeks just came out and now I’m being forced to help cover their shifts until they hire new people (which will probably take a while since my job has a terrible reputation in town). Although I would have probably been able to find a way to make the event still happen given how excited I was about it, I’m still in the process of doing four relatively large story commissions so there’s no way that I can juggle both those and the Halloween event. Something had to give and obviously the event had to go as the commissions take priority.

To provide some context and be a bit vulnerable, things in my personal life have been a bit rough and hectic the past month or two, so I’m hoping things can eventually settle down soon enough. As previously mentioned my job is being a nuisance, but there’s other stuff going on like money issues on top of being in the process of getting a new doctor because my current one was refusing to take any of my concerns seriously. Beyond just him downplaying my anxiety and depression diagnoses when it comes to providing me effective medication, he also refused to try and help with the debilitating migraines I suffer through practically every other day.

Just to add a cherry on top of the shitty month that this has been, I just recently discovered that queuing on Tumblr has finally failed me. The story that was meant to come out this month never got posted and the concept of having to go through re-formatting everything and getting photos again was just too much of a depressing nuisance for me to deal with. Hell, I've been in such a stink recently that I didn't even do a celebration to celebrate the fact that my account had passed 4,000 followers! I guess doing it nearly three hundred followers later is a bit too late, but I suppose it's never too late to celebrate. I seriously appreciate all of the support I've received regardless of it was a like, a reblog, a follow, or a subscription to my Patreon. All of it means a lot to me... genuinely.

I suppose I just wanted to say that things feel a bit grim for me currently, but I remain hopeful that good days shall eventually come (especially since Halloween is my favorite time of year). To put a more positive spin on the increased hours at work, at least it means that I'll hopefully fix my money issues. Plus, I finally have a meeting with a new doctor this Thursday so I'm hoping I can get some results and find someone who actually cares and wants to help me.

In closing, I sincerely wanted to apologize again in case I disappointed anyone by canceling the Halloween event. Hopefully I can make it up to y’all though by releasing two stories here for October that I really enjoyed writing.

On top of that, I’m thinking I may give the concept of releasing long stories for purchase via Ko-Fi / itch.io a shot by having a trial run with a nearly 10k word Halloween-ish story involving misguided spells, twinkification, and age progression / weight gain between two best friends.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate all of your support and hopefully your understanding during this extremely trying time. 💙

#announcement #a bit of an explanation why my Tumblr has been dead for the past month or two #sincerest apologies!

[whycaninotfindausername]

Rambling rant/vent about queer impostor syndrome and the difficulties of discovering your queerness later in life, skip if it's potentially triggering or you're just not interested

So I'm 28 and AMAB and been living as "cishet" pretty much my whole life. I've been passing as straight my entire life because in school everyone using "gay" or a slur as their default insult basically made me just not want to engage with queerness at all so I kind of shoved those feelings away, and then for most of my adult life I have been in a relationship a woman. I admitted to myself that I was bi a couple years ago, but I never really explored that part of my sexuality outside of private thoughts and fantasies.

Now, I'm recently single and wanting to experiment and explore my sexuality and gender but I feel so distant from other queer people. I know that I'm attracted to more than just women, and I spend way too much time looking at egg memes and secretly trying on girls' clothes and wanting to be cute and pretty to realistically keep identifying as a cis man in the long term, but because pretty much everyone perceives me as just another cishet guy, I don't know how to actively engage with queerness. It's especially disheartening when I'm around queer people and they make jokes about me being a "token straight" or someone will reference something like drag race or something that's part of "queer culture" that I'm unfamiliar with and just say I'm too straight to get it. It just makes me feel like maybe I can't be queer because I don't fit in, and while I know that that feeling isn't based in anything rational, I still feel it.

Also seeing younger queer people so confidently assert their identities in such an open and celebratory way is bittersweet for me. It brings me so much joy to see them exploring themselves and being out and open, but at the same time, I feel envious that I haven't been able to do the same yet. I know it's never too late to come out and everything, but I wish I would have been able to do it at a younger age, when it feels more comfortable to be experimenting and trying new things. When I was at university, I experimented a lot, I hung out with different groups of people, I explored new interests, learned new ways of thinking, and all this sort of stuff, but now everything in my life is so stable that the thought of going back to that experimental and developmental stage in my life is kind of scary.

I haven't really seen/heard people voice feelings like this much before, so idk if this is going to resonate with anyone at all (especially on what is probably one of the queerest spaces on the internet) but I just wanted to get these feelings out somewhere and I figured this was probably the best place I have to do it

#lgbt #trans #transgender #bisexual #gay #queer #queerness #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq+ #nonbinary #gender identity

[arcadekitten]

Hi! I just wanted to say, I just discovered you through i Hospital and absolutely fell in love with your games and your characters.

I’ve been going through a lot lately, and Valsilis is a character i ended up relating to a lot. Playing through the story and seeing their realtionships with the characters around them was a wonderful experience and their relationship with Mary in particular made me so, so happy to see. Valsilis opening up to Mary in the true ending was SUCH a good moment, and it actually inspired me to open up to people in my life irl, haha! Youre a fantastic writer and i just wanted to give kudos to you and your work, and to thank you for such an incredible game.

I know you probably wont see this haha, but i just wanted to say; have a fantastic day nonetheless :)!

I did see this and it means so much to me, thank you!! ♡

Vasilis's speech at the end of the game is one that I felt was important and I hoped it wouldn't come off too cheesy in a bad way. When I hear people say that it touched them or they were able to connect with it in some way, it makes me really happy! And hearing you say that it helped inspire you to not bottle stuff up so much makes me especially happy to hear!!

Thank you so much for playing and enjoying, it really means so much more to me than you'd know ♡♡♡

#blackout hospital #reply

[scaryspears]

My rant on ITSV and ATSV

So I've just finished watching the ITSV and ATSV because I'm a late watcher, and when the movies came out I wasn't myself. I'm glad I took the time to watch them, although I had to buy ATSV online because it's no longer in the cinema. This means I got to watch my favourite scenes without issue. With that being said, I have a lot of things to get off my chest regarding both films, mostly with the characters. 

Warning: Long post and slight bashing of characters and terrible screenshots.

I don't want to be one of those people who hate Gwen just to hate on her, and I don't hate or dislike her character, but right from the jump her vibe was just off. She felt like one of those characters that disliked the main character for no reason despite barely interacting with her/him (them). I know that isn't the case but I didn't like the way she was blankly talking to him. I'm using the word 'blankly' because I can't think of another word other than 'coldly'.

During the chase scene where Miles and Peter steal the computer, she comes out of nowhere and helps save the day. I was glad but at the same time what the hell. Anyways, Miles compliments her haircut and she snaps with "You don't get to like my haircut.", referring to when he accidentally got his hand stuck to her hair and she had to get half her hair shaved off, I understand getting angry about that. It was an accident, and Miles could've apologised (I don't remember him saying sorry), but she's acting like he did it on purpose.

To top it all off she knew he was like her, which meant she knew what he was going through as he was transitioning. Getting taller, hearing multiple voices, hands sticky, and all that stuff. So that means she's aware that it was an accident, and there's also the fact that she pretended to be a student at his school and hovered around him. She bumped into him on purpose knowing he was a fellow spider.

When you think about it, why didn't she try to get to know him and investigate with him about what's going on? She just left him to discover his spider side chaotically. She should know how scary and confusing that is, but not once does she attempt helping him out. 

I'm gonna sweep it under the rug because they are teenagers, and even if they were adults they shouldn't be expected to be more sympathetic to each other. But you'd think she'd be a little bit more understanding. (Don't get me started on her going into his artwork and opening his collectable in ATSV)

Now, Uncle Aaron. I love his dynamic with Miles, the true cool uncle. His love for his generation of hip hop and us seeing Miles' taste of music. The graffiti art bonding, loved it. There were small hints that he was the Prowler. The 1610 Peter getting killed near where Miles and Aaron did the graffiti, Miles calling him while he's being chased by the Prowler, and the Prowler appearing in Aaron's home. I'm thinking "Where's Aaron in all this?" dun dun dun, he's the Prowler. I loved every bit of it. This also makes Miles different from other spider men, being the fact that his loved one ended up being an antagonist, and one scarier than Kingpin. There's no "With great power comes great responsibility." instead it's "In a bad person you can find good in them." Also, the inner torment that he was about to harm his own nephew is chef's kiss. Uncle Ben who?

Moving on to ATSV. It opens up with Gwen and her meeting Miguel and Jess. She looked at Jess and said "Will you adopt me?" Like??? Where yo mum at? I know she passed away, but still. You've only had one look at this woman and that's one of the things that comes out of your mouth? You don't know this woman! Jess sounds like one of those women that only talk with attitude no matter what so I had a hard time rocking with her, like what is her problem??? And she's fighting while pregnant... smdh.

Spot. Funny villain, I liked his banter with Miles, but he's a pu**y punk bi**h. He's blaming Miles for what he became, when he's the one that decided to become a mad scientist and work with other mad scientists under Kingpin. I'm pretty sure there's more to it than a bagel. Lesson is: once you become a mad scientist something happens to you. Norman Osborn became Green Goblin, 65 Peter (Gwen's home) became a monster and died, Shang Tsung got Rick Rolled by himself, you get the idea. Spot made himself like that not Miles.

So Gwen didn't talk to Miles for a really long time because of the whole Spider society thing. When you think about it, none of the other spiders he met did, and I get that they couldn't with the exclusion of Peni. But not one visit? Not one letter? Something??? Now Miles has a little short conversation with Hobie and admits that he only wants to get into the Spider society to talk to his friends and help out with defeating Spot. He just wants to hang with his friends, but Peni and Gwen decided not to do that.

Moving on, I'd like to talk about Miles' walk through within the spider society. They acknowledge Gwen and only Gwen, they don't bother saying hi or even looking at Miles. It was like Miles wasn't even there. Never thought I'd say it, but these Spider men are arse holes. I also got annoyed at the way Jess was talking to him, I get that he's not supposed to be there but she needed to chill.

This anger went when Miles bumped into Margo, and she looked like she was about to lose her cool but she lightened up once she saw who it was, a complete stranger. I'm not a MargoMiles shipper, but I don't mind it (granted so long as they are the same age).

So the scene that goes 0 to 100 quick: I watched a bunch of memes and edits that painted Miguel as racist and I didn't understand why, and thought it was like a Millie Bobby Brown situation. Re-watching the scene where Miles meets Miguel I can see why.

All the other spidermen showed up to gang up on Miles.

"You can't ask me not to save my father."

"I'm not asking."

And hit him with this.

While Miles is freaking out at the sudden imprisonment we can hear Miguel say "We just need to hold him a few days." They were treating Miles like a criminal and/or a confused wild animal. And then Miguel had the nerve to say "All he had to do was listen." when Miles escaped them. I don't think Miguel is racist, but the memes I will support.

Hobie was looking out for Miles as soon as he met him, and I love that so much. He knew Miles wasn't like the ones in the spider society, and made sure to tell Miles to be better. Gwen didn't do that. She did, but she didn't if you know what I mean. She followed along with the crap Miguel was spitting.

And then there was the chase scene. Bro had a bunch of spider men chase Miles and not one of them could catch him. That is the biggest L I've ever seen. One 15 year old boy, and he didn't use his other 2 powers until after Miguel slammed him onto his back. Miles was not playing. Also, Miguel was endangering the lives of people who were driving. And yes, Miguel's at fault and not Miles.

They gave Miles crap just because he didn't want his dad to die, unlike Miguel who actively replaced the life of his other self. Gwen was really going to let her dad die, and Peter B tried to justify it by saying their uncle's death made them who they are. Pavitr was just supposed to get over his love interest's dad dying? They knowingly let that happen.

Miguel calling Miles an anomaly is mega projecting. Miles becoming Spiderman wasn't on purpose it just happened, and that's always how the story goes. No one is simply meant to be Spiderman, they just become him/her. It's also funny coming from a man who crawled on all fours chasing down a teenager.

42 Miles. Prowler Miles. Gonzales. Kilo Immorales. I love him already, can't wait to see the next film where we'll see him in full action. I love how we as a fandom collectively agreed that these two would have a sibling dynamic even though we've only seen 42 Miles for like a minute. I love the Boondocks comparisons as well. I need 42 Miles to hate everyone. I need Miles to be full of rage in the 3rd film Adult Gon style. Prepare for double and make it double.

In conclusion, I should've watched these films when they first came out, they are so great. The art, the incorporation of hip hop and correctness of Afro related backgrounds and the storyline. I honestly felt like Miles was a great representation of the new generation. I saw myself in him, and not just being black but the graffiti and finding out that a family member of yours isn't really a good person. I don't do graffiti or art but I do find them beautiful whenever I see them. Also, the Air Forces. Step aside Peter Parker, we have a Spider man with more drip.

#spiderverse #miles morales #spiderman atsv #atsv hobie #miguel o'hara #miguel spiderverse #42 miles morales #aaron davis #the prowler #gwen stacy #spider gwen #ghost spider #pavitr prabhakar #peter b parker #sunflower #spider punk #itsv #atsv

[redemn]

i've been thinking a lot today about the fact that ,   at least for arthur ,   i am very much making it not easy to ship with him .   on purpose .   one of the things i value incredibly highly when it comes to the story of red dead 2 is the fact that there is so little focus towards any romance or sexual when it comes to arthur .   it's a breath of fresh air for me .   i've felt suffocated lately by that sort of material ,   and i'm old enough now to accept that i do not like being hit on all sides by that stuff 24/7 .   it's arthur as a character who does not tend toward that stuff ,   and that's just  …  absolutely perfect for me .   i love that the only two options you get when a call girl hits on you is "decline" and "reject" .

so yes , it is going to be difficult to ship with my arthur ,   in a way .   it's also due to the fact that i've had issues the past year with people not responding to anything i write for them on tumblr and then wanting to write shipping and smut despite having never written anything platonic or otherwise ??   especially on discord .   which .   rubs me the wrong way .   i will be saying no to that stuff now ,   no more  'sure's  from me .   it will take a lot of talking ,   especially in ims or on disco ,   before i'll even begin to entertain something any romantic or sexual shipping with anyone .   i love discussion .   i love pining .   i love fluff .   i love the buildup ,   i love when our characters discover what makes them click on their own and it grows their relationship from there .

but i think it is so important to have platonic and familial relationships as well .   and i think it is so important ,   to me ,   to focus on arthur as a character without sexualising him .   yes ,   i am attracted to this man ok i'm just a grown girl  …  a girl with a dream  …  but arthur is important to me as an outlaw ,   as a human being ,   as a part of the gang .   and my writing will reflect that. always .

#( ;; this wasn't brought on by anything in particular ! ) #( ;; i've just been thinking about it today during work. ) #╰ ゜out of character. * kat's blabbering about cowboys again.

[farmerlesbian]

hi farmer lesbian!

so ive identified as bisexual for a long time but ive discovered recently i feel very comfortable within the lesbian ideas of gender and specifically the butchfemme community. i’ve been dating someone recently who also identified as bisexual but has related to transmasc lesbians understanding of gender as well as posts about butches. we both kind of see ourselves within the butchfemme dynamic but i’ve been very tough on myself with calling myself a lesbian because i’ve dated a man before (…in middle school..)

it’s gotten to the point where i’m really worried to label myself because of what it’d imply for my partner? but also what people would say? and while i know i dont HAVE to label myself it just sucks to know theres an identity im drawn to and feel like i fit into that i cant immediately slip into

hmm i'm not really sure how to guide you here. i guess i want to challenge you on some of the things you're saying here, it feels like you're coming at this from maybe the "wrong" angle (wrong feels too harsh a word, maybe just not the most helpful angle)

you're worried you can't call yourself a lesbian because you dated a boy in middle school? i think.. a LOT of lesbians dated boys in jr. high and high school and there are lots of late in life lesbians who were married to men for years before figuring out who they are and coming out. this is all completely normal and common. like, dating one boy in middle school doesn't really mean much tbh. i wouldn't base your identity or label you use around something like that. i dated a bunch of boys in high school and early college when i was still figuring out who i was. your labels or identity or gender or sexuality don't need to account for all you life experiences and past. it's not so much about your sexual history but describing who you are *now*, what you're interested in, in the present.

you say both you and your partner really like Lesbian Genders and butch/femme stuff. that's nice, but liking and relating to lesbian culture and gender stuff doesn't make you a lesbian haha! it's who you're attracted to and who you're not, that determines your orientation. gender and orientation are different things, as i'm sure you know. obviously very connected and stuff. like, for example, just because someone identifies as a man it doesn't make him straight, even though heterosexuality is an integral part of manhood, in the dominant culture. gay trans men are certainly not rare! the same goes for you guys.

also, remember that transmasculinity is a broad umbrella and encompasses a wide variety of people and their identities and experiences. plenty of butches aren't transmasc, and probably most transmascs aren't butch.

i will tell you that in the course of running this blog and being on the internet, i've probably seen and shared thousands of photos and drawing of people. not once have i ever seen something that represents me and my wife. if you are seeking out representation or examples of the options to be, in order to figure out who/what you are, i would advise against that. seek what feels true to you, what feels honest and right. you do not need to be similar to other people in order to find belonging, acceptance, and community. (though of course this is absolutely nothing wrong or bad if you do find others just like you, if you do fit in to existing roles and dynamics! that is of course perfectly normal!)

now, i don't know you or your partner. you know yourselves best. i can't tell you what you really are or really aren't. and i certainly am not going to tell you what you can or can't be! everything i'm saying here is to prompt you to think about and questions to ponder for yourself.

so, i think you have some points to think about, why have you been identifying as bisexual? what is drawing you to the lesbian label? have you tried using 0 labels and not thinking about your identity or labels for at least a month or two (if not a several months) and then coming back and evaluating it afresh? what about the butch-femme dynamic are you drawn to? what is holding you back? you are allowed to discover that you are a lesbian! or you are allowed to continue to be bisexual! i can't tell you who you are - but you're allowed to be and do whatever you want, whatever feels true to you! even if it doesn't make sense to other people or you don't see anyone else like you out there. you gotta be a little bit brave!

hang in there, and sending much love to you and yours! 🧡

#ask farmer lesbian #mod alfalfa #mod horseshoe #questioning #identity #gender #labels #if any of my followers have advice or similar experiences please always feel free to add your take as well!