#but its ok it wasnt a necessary detail

[roetrolls]

I have had so much fun yapping about this harlan/zerkev drabble btw

#jonah and contast cameo #i dont think i made it clear enough that zerkev specifically stabbed the right arm #until the end #but its ok it wasnt a necessary detail #just a flavor one

[bytedykes]

[ID: Four stickman memes. They are: a crying stickman laying on its back in a pool of tears, hands over its face. A stickman grabbing another's cheeks and screaming in their face. A stickman biting its own arm bloody. A red-eyed teary stickfigure grimacing and holding up a thumbs up. /end ID]

^ just finished twatf moodboard. my thoughts under the cut

genuinely so good. i am sick. i am wailing. i am going to throw up.

ok i lied it wasnt like, groundbreaking, but i did enjoy it! and it did give me new kinds of mental illness. im not typically into the "overpowered protagonist" trope at all but i feel like in this case it was more of a vehicle for the philosophy of the novel than the actual. point? im not a literature analysis person haha

i doubt i would have read this novel if it weren't by singshong. it is just generally not my thing. but im glad i did! i liked the character and i thought it was quite clever and funny, the world building was interesting (despite how overly complicated it is) and some parts made me so. oughhhbg. tearing my hair out

i also really enjoyed looking at this from a "how it compares to orv" standpoint (that's also the main reason i decided to read it). i liked seeing the "prototype" ideas in here that resemble parts of orv that were more developed/refined. and i liked the most specific messages that resembled orv's! there were a few bits regarding walls and connection that made me want to erm shrivel up and die

i guess i didn't really understand the ending but i don't think it was awful. those last 3 chapters are honestly what was worst to me, if i had stopped reading on chapter 244 i might have been happier with the openness of it. seeing all of jaehwan's friends dying and sirwen being left alone in the world was depressing as hell and didn't really feel necessary

orv is known for having everything in it and managing to pull off the most unhinged plots and details so i enjoyed seeing that same principle in twatf dsdjskks it threw a lot of things that i didnt expect at all and a lot of them were absurd but all together i think it made it work

goddd some parts just hit very close. maybe not the overall themes but some specific sections made me put my phone down and stare into space... the fall of time arc... the conversation jaehwan has with the long lived race after he's figured out the unclothing... what andersen tells him before she chooses to fight myad... many such cases

some of the criticisms for it that ive seen online are about the bad translation which is fair but i dont think that necessarily reflects the quality of the actual novel? idk the crappy translation and many typos did make it harder to read but i was still able to mostly understand what was happening and i got used to it pretty quickly. i do wish that the side characters were more developed, i was really interested in them and it felt like a lot of their development was dropped or forgotten, but i did love what growth was shown

i liked jaehwan!!! he is such a sopping wet silly guy. guy who is in the horrors forever. guy who is a billion years old but not actually but yes he is. guy who is so autism eyes incarnate. i liked him as a character and i liked following his journey even with his at times repetitive ideas and simple op solutions to everything. it was fun!

i enjoyed the characters in general, karlton grew on me for some reason lol... i liked anderson and runald a lot also... i liked how despite his identity as a lonely existence that works alone, jaehwan did actually forge so many bonds with people he met and did reciprocate them! him and yoonhwan, him hiring claire and meikal for govt positions when he became master of gorgon, him training with chunghuh, his care for runald and anderson, him verbally calling the fallbringers his friends when they reunite, even eventually his friendship with beastlain! i wasn't expecting him to make so many connections because of how set he is on doing everything alone, so i was really happy to see that he does consider them friends and isnt just coldly moving through the world alone, despite what his actions say

really liked the whole lore about [clothes]. i thought that was really cool. did not like the repeated instances of sexual harassment and pervy lines throughout the book

ive been telling people to read orv left and right, but in contrast twatf is a kind of novel that i dont think i would necessarily recommend to anyone (especially not to anyone who wasn't already an enjoyer of this genre and/or more "out there" plots in general) but i did enjoy reading it myself. however i would say that it provided some cool/valuable/fun insight into orv and singshong's writing in general so maybe i would recommend it to someone who has already read orv and wanted to expand on that

overall i did like it!!! i dont think ill be rereading it any time soon but i had fun reading and stewing over it :)

#twatf #oubghhhhh #this is not structured at all i have been writing it for an hour and need to go to bed #misc #blabbermouth tag #<- pls its been 10 months since ive used this. oh well. pretty sure its not even the right tag but im not finding the new one i never use

[bokuroaka]

hi! can i ask how u made ur carrd like what are the settings? ty!

omg YES i love carrd making hi anon. if there’s anything specific u want just lmk!! under the cut bc its long... i make most of my carrds on desktop so this is very desktop based.... to all of u who do ur carrds on mobile honestly kudos i cld never

uhm also when i say long like this is v long bc i added a lot of reasoning to my settings n tips that i’ve picked up on making carrds (plus the screenshots) i hope it helps tho ^_^ apologies if u knew most of this stuff tho bc i explained... everything...

some notes before we get in: for colors i usually just base everything off the sidebar image and use a color picking website (i use this one) to get the the html codes for colors. the site i use also generates a palette which i also use! ur free to use anything tho obv. the font i used is “inter” 

1. ok first here are my page settings! i wont include my animation settings now ill leave that to the end.. these r rlly the only settings that i’ve changed so i’ll just post these.

ok i dont rlly change much except for these two, the position is set to top not center (which is the default) b/c esp w carrds like the one i have now i dont like the header portion moving depending on the height of the container underneath... does that make sense? that’s just super nitpicky of me LOL but if u do end up making the carrd n playing around w the settings u’ll see what i mean

the width is set to 22 bc i like small carrds! play around w this as u see fit, i also change it depending on how it looks like in mobile (im very thorough lol) if ur wondering how u can do that on desktop, its this phone looking icon on this bar on the top right of the screen: (the 6th icon!)

the next pic is also default settings except my spacing is set to 0. i’ll explain why later! the alignment also doesnt really matter w/ this carrd. u can play around with it tho!

2. this is for the home page!

first i’ll explain how this is set up: the title box and the box under it (i’ll call it info box) are both containers! here is why i put set the spacing to 0 earlier: if u put 2 containers theres going to be space btwn them and to achieve this kind of look (ig) i just set the page spacing (in the page settings) to 0. however this means that everything is going to be pressed up against each other so i usually just add dividers (which are transparent [color code is #96969600]) i wont post a screenshot bc the settings r default, except for the margins which u can play around with to see what works for u (it’s set to 0.375 for me rn)

here are my settings for the title box 

most of these r pretty standard except for the padding and border. the reason why i didnt tick the bottom part is bc of the container w all my info underneath. both containers have borders so the bottom & top border of those containers wld just merge n create a thicker border which isnt what i was looking for... anyway.

then i just add a text element & just write my title! idt my settings for that r relevant so i wont add it (the text size is 0.875)

next is the info box! here are my settings: 

btw this is a container with columns!! those can look p wonky on mobile so make sure to have these settings on so that they wont look awful on mobile!!

oh also i wont post a screenshot of my text settings (text size is 0.75 + line spacing is 1.25) if ur wondering how i changed colors for some of the text the format is basically just [text]{#color} 

for the image size i set the width size to full (or full column) that depends on u (and how much text u put in the info part) i just prefer how it looks like when the image width is set to full bc that way no part of the image is cut off... really depends on u and what image ur using though so just play around w/ it!!

and in terms of spacing, i have a divider on top of the title box b/c otherwise the whole thing is just too high up for my taste

ok now to explain the header part and how i got my title/info box to stay “fixed”

so... im ngl. i dont understand how the header function works (help) so uhh i wont go as into detail here. but what worked for me is adding a header marker (the plus thing on the bar > control > change section break to header marker) right after the info container, then adding a section break (this one is called #wala bc wala here means ‘nothing’ in bisaya lol) and a transparent divider right after it. i hope its visible in the pic... anyway this is the only method i found that makes the carrd work lmao. it rlly doesnt matter what u name the #wala section break bc its not gonna show up so u might as well just use a keysmash

3. the extra info!! (extra, interests, byf)

this section will b shorter compared to the first two LOL anyway. first i started off w a section break (#usa which means 1 in bisaya hehe), then a transparent divider for spacing, and then a container! theres nothing fancy abt this container it has the exact same settings as the info box above so u can just duplicate that container and change the container type from columns to default.

then just add ur info and ur done!! repeat w whatever extra info u want to add (i only had 3 to add so it looks like this for me)

4. oh before i forget, these are my animation settings!! (page > the triangle thing)

u can preview the on load animation by clicking the triangle button on the top right bar, but for the on section change animations u have to save then preview it on ur carrd itself :/ kinda annoying but yeah... i usually never set anything above 0.5 seconds for on section change animations bc im impatient LOL 

these r completely optional tho... i just think animations make the carrd look smoother & more fun!

thats it i think! here are some tips i have

1. this tip is abt how carrds can differ when on mobile! i sometimes fiddle around with the mobile settings to make sure my carrd looks the way i want it to on mobile! bc mobile sometimes fucks up the spacing and it annoys me LOL... example here: 

u can find these settings if u scroll down a bit on the page settings and switch mobile from auto to manual (like in the screenshot) most of the settings i dont touch except the size setting, i just fiddle around w it and see how my carrd looks in the mobile view until im satisfied

2. this isnt rlly necessary but its smthn neat i picked up! if u check ur section break settings and check hide footer u can get rid off the “( made with carrd )” text on the bottom! i think it just makes the carrd look a bit neater, esp since the page spacing is set to 0 so it might look a little squished under the container...

3. i like to use all elements of my carrd efficiently (ig? heres the engineering major jumping out) and idk if u noticed, but if u click on the title (”it has always been once for me”) or the image (which is... of tbz..) it actually takes u back to the home page ^^ idk i just think small things like that r neat 

thats it for real!! i hope this wasnt too much of a hassle to read or follow through, and if u have any questions dont hesitate to dm me or send me an ask, even if we arent mutuals!! i hope u have fun making this carrd <3

#anon #ask #carrd #also rip this is one of the simpler carrds im using rn #i bolded some stuff so it doesnt get lost in the midst of my rambling... oops

[littlebabycrybtch]

oh my god im sorry but i HATE reading analysis discourse so fuckgin much. its so annoying and unnecessary and cruel bc per usual ableists just Scream over everyone and manipulate the view by focusing on the wrong points. disrespect towards this issue is never gonna work and yall would get that if you actually listened to the way the (usually nd) people felt about it and why, but ur too busy mocking them so you look good for consuming the Proper Medias tm. i mean you literally have to know this isnt productive, yall keep going bc you get a kick out of laughing at ‘unintelligent’ people.

‘uu ur teachers didnt oppress u by making u read to kill a mockingbird instead of the hunger games” ok listen 1. media you dont personally care abt can still definitely hold depthful value and be analyzed. oh my god lmao. the people who prefer ~that kind~ of media arent stupid and dont prefer easy thinking, its your own fault for Not looking into it yourself and just assuming its worthless, literally judging a book by its cover. LITERALLY avoiding the analysis skills you claim to have by assuming anything you read in highschool = smart, valuable and anything mainstream = stupid and useless. most books inherently contain symbolism and morals, a lot of these people CAN understand it, theyre just criticizing the inaccessibility of the writing that was forced on them academically. the people analyzing those medias instead of your favs are still taking in lessons even if they prefer to do it in a different format, i mean for instance THG is literally about fucking classism and racism and war you dumb hypocritical tunnel vision bitch, young adult media usually has a Lot of real world parallels in it that very much pertains to how teens see the world, thats the literal POINT, just cuz ur too elitist and dont respect children enough doesnt mean some books are ‘too stupid’ to analyze with any real social value, and 2. A BOOK NOT BEING EXCITING... OR EASY TO UNDERSTAND... IS LITERALLY SMTH VALID TO CRITICIZE IN MANY CASES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE GIVING IT TO CHILDREN.... if a kid says “this is boring/too long/uses words that i dont know, so i cant make any sense of it” that doesnt always mean theyre lazy or w/e, if its not a book made for kids (bc kids can understand mature themes but that doesnt. mean you can just throw all the other skills they arent experienced with yet at them, they still need writing tailored to them), Thats your first problem, but sometimes ur book is just fucking boring all together. a book can have as much symbolism as it wants, if its not there to open the mind and provide necessary depth, but to feel self important and make you feel self important for getting it, thats not a good book. and with books i do respect now like TKAM i remember outright saying, “i literally cannot read this and dont get it at all” at like 10 yrs old, and my teachers didnt do shit to explain it or help me or give me any skills at all, they were just like. :) keep trying!! according to your scores we know you can do it!!! so, i did not keep trying, i gave up, and i guarantee if it had been a few years later it would have been easier. if i had been given the opportunity to read stories with similar morals that were made for my age range that i WANTED to read, i guarantee i wouldve gotten so much more out of that. but i was literally DISALLOWED, bro if i grabbed a book that actually interested me, i was told i couldnt check it out at ALL unless it was in the ‘range’ i was assigned, which was college level since i was in 4th grade. so if you think i shouldve kept reading, im being unironic rn, you need to go get a degree, become a teacher, and if a kid or teen says to you what i said, sit them down and TEACH THEM without shame, and fight for better regulations of what reading levels can be pushed on what age groups. if lit analysis is this important to you, FUCKING TEACH IT PROPERLY, that is literally the ONLY REAL SOLUTION to the problem you have, NOT SHAMING the people who were ALREADY FAILED BY THE SYSTEM.

the problem is not ‘idiots think symbolism is stupid’ the problem has ALWAYS been ‘the education system is flawed and how and when children are taught certain skills is so corrupted and damaging, the children growing up with it cannot Help but struggle later in life, and your issue should be with the system”. like can i be real. learn how to Emotionally ~analyze~ posts from sad kids with mental illnesses saying smth as basic as “i wish i wasnt forced to read mature books as a child without any themes pertaining to me at all bc it hurt my already fragile motivations for learning :/” without your ass getting defensive over the classics. bitches stan ‘the door is red to symbolize anger’ but think thg is just a stupid dystopia love triangle book................ ur not even that smart like yall are just elitist like LITERALLY just elitist if you mock the values ppl see in other books and claim theyre too stupid to understand ~real books~. a fucking mickey mouse cartoon could hold the exact same moral lesson as a 1200 page novel written by a college professor of 30 years, like the Exact Same Conclusions CAN be drawn no matter how many words and analogies and metaphors are thrown on top!! for many those fancy details make it more enriching but its literally possible to get the same concepts from “EASIER” material, that is not Lesser it is ACCESSIBLE and it should be ENCOURAGED all the same. yall are gatekeeping and its stupid, if you actually want ppl to analyze media then you’d applaud how they analyze their passions even when you dont share it, not shame them for struggling with understanding other stories. this rly boils down to either ‘i hate ppls preferences and wanna make them feel stupid’ OR the ever so lovely ‘i hate whiny disabled ppl and kids who were pressured to the point of burnout, and wanna make them feel stupid’. its fucking exhausting. idc how you guys feel, you talk to hear yourselves talk and its all just talk and nothing helpful, your disrespect doesnt work bc its an echo of the root problem. for gods sake shut up already lmao

[juni-ravenhall]

my opinions on mistfall!

under a cut bc spoilers and/or not everyone wants to read :D 

overall experience: 

its fun that there IS a sso cartoon now even if its not exactly amazing quality, and im happy to see if there will be more series or movies after this. it was fun to watch and see sso things in cartoon form too and i wish that we had more already (of sso animation in general). imagine if there had been a ssl cartoon? i also kept thinking throughout this, that it wouldn’t be hard for me myself to make an animated series with around the same length episodes and in a similar quality to this (aside from voice acting and music production), which made me feel a little inspired.

favourite scene:

skye taking photos of blaze and hanging out

positive points: 

i like the background art a lot, i think the style of it, and the colour schemes, helps give the series a specific vibe that fits for an sso series in my opinion. 

i like the concept art (i assume) illustrations which we saw in the recipes and other posts on sso ig, i think it looks a lot better than the characters in the series, but thats normal for concept art!!

the music is really good quality (whether or not its your taste, the quality is good) which is ofc bc its sso - theres already good music and not something they only did for the cartoon but something they care about in all of the starstable media. 

i think skye is a nice character (despite the series’ overall low quality writing) and i like her design. i also think rania’s cartoon design (visually) is cute.

skye and rania being a teensy bit gay (minus points for sso if they dont end up really gay in later canon)

i like that blaze wasnt actually like... mean or anything to skye, and i like that shes a mare since typical stories like this usually have stallions. but i just like that there wasnt really any “ooh difficult horse” things between skye and blaze in the current time of the story, blaze actually was sweet to her most the time. blaze seemed pretty charming whenever there wasnt “omg fire” drama. 

the animation itself (not meaning the details of the drawings or scene timing, just the actual frame by frame / puppet movements) was fine! not amazing, but absolutely fine.

points i have constructive criticism for, which doesn’t mean that i expected more from the series, but that we’re all allowed to discuss the quality and our opinions of media regardless of the target audience, budget, etc:

the writing was childish and rushed - this is not to be rude, but a matter that affects a lot of “media for girls / kids”, and a topic talked a lot about by Lauren Faust (creator of the FiM reboot of MLP) who wanted to show that a show about rainbow ponies “for little girls” didn’t have to be badly written, and could be engaging and interesting. if you watch the older MLP cartoons and compare to the first season of FiM (where Faust was still on the team) you can see a huge difference in quality of the storytelling, characterisation, etc. Mistfall, so far, did not subvert any expectation in the quality of what typical “cartoons for girls” are like, and is reminiscent of stuff like “The Ranch” (french horse cartoon) which imo is so bad that its hard to watch. (and ofc... that goes for a lot of “cartoons for girls / kids”, but doesn’t have to be like that.) in order to improve on this, the writer has to study more on storytelling and study from better writers.

on the topic of being rushed: no, it’s not an excuse that the episodes are short: - you have to ADAPT your storytelling and writing to the length of the episodes, not do a bad job and blame the episode length. being able to adapt to different types of media is a necessary skill if that’s what you work with. this comes down to proper planning and structuring the story and writing in a way that works for the length of the episodes. i don’t think that was overall done well here (at times it was okay), and bc of that, it feels rushed and has exposition thrown in your face instead of being shown through better storytelling. the classic thing with exposition is “show, don’t tell”. this is what the writers/directors should study, or pay more attention to. 

the timing (length of shots, length of scenes, or parts of shots, etc) was rly bad at times and overall unimpressive - this comes down to the skill of directors and editors. to improve this they have to study more on the topic. bad timing and pacing can really ruin a good scene or a good story and make it feel disconnected and hard to immerse in for the audience.

the artstyle of characters and horses is fine at times, but appears very low quality at others (skye’s childhood scene really bothered me bc her kid-self had really badly drawn eyes in my opinion). this, like everything else on this list, is ofc something that appears in almost every single “cartoon for girls” that ever existed. to improve on this, most likely it’s not a problem with the artists but with the budget and the production timeline (allowing the artists more time to produce better quality art and animation), and it can also be a problem with the art direction, if the art directors aren’t very skilled or experienced (i don’t say that they aren’t, im just giving examples of what could cause these problems.)

the character design for all characters that aren’t skye, rania, or blaze was very lacking. none of the not-main-3 characters looked interesting or fun to look at, they looked very dull and like the most boring NPCs you could think of. even though its understandable that the mainest-main characters would have the most interesting designs, that doesn’t mean everyone else has to look that boring. this is an issue with art direction or character design. i think most likely there was just very little time (equals money) put into designing the other characters.

the horse design could be improved for a cartoon that focuses on horses this much. like, horses are a big part of the selling point here, so make sure that their designs and art/animation is good. at times even blaze looked awkward and uninteresting, as did the other horses.

“alonso” looks nothing like sso alonso and i don’t like that they used his character if it’s not going to have anything to do with him. they should have given this character a different name if they wouldn’t make him seem like he had anything to do with the sso character aside from being a male ranger. (also in the game he’s like 22 or something, skye is 15...?)

why did they add a “he’s cute” dumbass fucking stupid hetero comment for literally no reason other than adding a dumbass fucking stupid hetero comment?

considering that they “can’t confirm whether a sequel is happening or not”, it seemed very meh to throw in druid cult magic stuff and not really connect to it and now the series ended? you would have expected to find out more about the cloaked people, the runes, the magic that the ranger guy did, and blaze’s magic in general, and skye herself, why her mom is “a witch”.... thats a lot to throw in while saying that you can’t say if there’s a sequel coming to answer all those questions. (it wouldn’t have been a criticism from me if they said “we’re working on season 2″ or “there will be a comic book that continues the story” or anything that told us that these questions, in this particular iteration of a story in jorvik, will actually be answered. - and i assume they ARE working on the continuation of the story, but i dont agree with that they’re not upfront about it, when they left so many questions unanswered.)

at times rania’s blindness was handled stupidly and i think they should have gotten more consultation from actual people with visual impairment, but i think its still good to HAVE a blind character in the main cast and that it’s not a big dramatic story thing but just an everyday thing. at some points it was fine though; and i personally don’t think the scene with rania being able to see blaze was necessarily a problem - because - a lot of blind ppl can see sharp contrasts in light and dark, and this seemed relatively realistic to me when blaze is on fire. (however, the way it was drawn as if she could see the whole shape of blaze and skye could be criticised for sure, and makes it feel more like “i can see because of magic” and not “i can see bc THIS MARE IS ON FIRE”). 

personal opinion which i said before, but i don’t think rania’s voice fits her at all, and it’s not the voice actor’s fault (i’m sure they’re lovely) but the casting and the directors. from the sso character, rania would seem a lot more lively, quick and adventurous, and not as calm and gentle as she appeared here. she seemed a lot too sort of motherly or just adult, instead of an adventurous teen who runs off on her own to do whatever she feels like. compare in-game rania going “MC, thats a jorvik wild!!!” and alonso going “stop talking nonsense” (paraphrased), to Mistfall rania going “jorvik wilds are really rare...” (calm, sort of disinterested, doesnt seem like she cares that much about adventures)

the voice acting overall was meh. i see this as a direction problem, not an individual voice actor problem (and the writing didnt help - it’s hard to provide good quality acting with a poor script unless you can just toss the script aside and improv, if you have good actors). it felt childish and uninteresting at most points and generic low quality for “cartoons for girls”. from a voice acting perspective i think skye had the best result. anyway, the way to improve this is for the director in charge of voice acting to not direct the actors to perform in this childish manner. (again, refer to cartoons with better writing and better voice acting, that have a very similar target audience.)

ok, i think that was everything that i wanted to write about for now, might think of more later lol

#star stable mistfall #opinion #text post #long post

[eatyourfruitkids]

and i thought, oh shit, what about my hot female body?

my female ego was toxic. it wasn’t her fault, she thought her presence in my brain was necessary. my family never quit gave off the vibes that the one daughter, the one sister, was ever allowed to deviate from such a norm. though i love and loved him dearly, my twin brother’s role in my view of gender was one of contrast. from the youngest age, as in, when we were born, connor got the blue teddy bear, s***** got the pink one. later, when our mom dressed us, connor wore the hats and s***** wore the bows. connor got the bionacles for christmas, s***** got the zuzu pets. that was just the way it worked. i was a girl and he was a boy, after all.

it’s not like i ever really minded. i’ve always loved animals, hoarding their stuffed counterparts felt natural. my brother and i would play together, littlest petshop pets living in lego spaceships. our genders were defined, but we never let that separate us. i never let that grave burden, being a girl, bar me from playing with power rangers, even if i was immediately cast as the pink one.

in middleschool, something changed. i became hyperaware of my gender, though i never once questioned it. while i had always been a girl by default, now i was beginning to feel the social anxieties of a young, adolescent Girl. i stuggled greatly for an identity, finding one for a short while in anime fandoms and watching gaming letsplays (i never played; girls were bad at video games, as according to my three brothers. i just had shitty hand eye coordination, fuck me) and later in an obsession with emo bands and new cartoon network cartoons and being pansexual or a lesbian. my fashion sense was terrible until i saw cute girls on instagram wearing “aesthetic-y” clothes in seventh grade and decided to emulate them. this was just one of many instances of me confusing my attraction towards females as desire to be like them.

with today’s insight, i can say with confidence that i would far rather put my head in a nice pair of tiddies than own that nice pair of tiddies.

i came to realize that my female ego was a problem close to the time where i realized that smoking weed was the best shit ever. here, i’ll take a break to rip bong and reminisce on this night, the night of the smoke off. im kinda high rn lol but its okay i turned adult recently lol. anyways *bong rip*

ok anyways sry

i didnt realize being a girl was a problem for me when i first started smoking weed. in hindsight, i now know that smoking everyday longterm while mistakenly identifying as female highlighted some less-than-savory areas of my psyche. 

my dysphoria makes me think that people are simping for me, sometimes when they’re not. although i am a sad, emo, five-foot-seven twitter meme cat boy of a trans “man,” i’m a cute nerdy stoner girl with winged eyeliner n a sexy female body, relatable-if-severe social anxiety and a porn addiction i’m, unfortuately, not always too shy to talk about.

long story short, something i now know to be dysphoria pushed me to start Smoking Weed With The Boys frequently, and something called dysphoria-plus-my-female-ego created this weird, unhealthy narrative that my friends only all liked me bc i was Hot Sessy Girl and they were only friends with me to hold out past my sweet, sunshiney (beta?) bf. this narrative fucked with me (probably because it wasnt true and created by the same part of my anxious brain that would repress my fucking transness, also because i love and care for my bf and felt terrible “letting this continue”) and yet, i continued hanging out with The Boys (besides when sometimes id flake on everyone for periods of time bc i felt Too Bad for bf lol) not even for attention-- although sometimes id get it, word-- even if it was magnified through the lens of my dysphoria, but because i had this deep urge to fit in with them. 

besides having a legit problem with the way i use weed and being high literally all the time, i wasn’t a huge “stoner” by my town’s standards. 

so, without getting into the elaborate details of my life and my twin’s cool fucking weed basement and my real life picture of marilyn monroe’s tiddies, The Boys had a smoke of at my house. i realized i wasn’t that much of a stoner when i got too high (something that deadass never fucking happens) and violently shook for like thirty minutes until my friends sent me upstairs for ice, i put on a hoodie, looked in the mirror and realized id prefer life as a boy.

it could’ve been because my toxic, ill-built stoner female woker-than-u ego had finally been popped, kinda like a bubble, or it could be because i was wearing a crop top and had gone silent because i was fixated on how i wished boys wore crop tops, and the hoodie had alliviated that. 

now i only think one friend simps for me, but hes such a nice dude that i could never say anything, fuck. hes such a homie tho if i were ever single id take his v card as a favor lmao

i figured out what i wanted to be called that night, 

stu. idk if its short for stuart, which is gross but fuck it, or if i want to be a stew/art or what the fuck but. stu.

a few friends and no family know. i chopped my hair off and a binder is on route. im lifting weights w one of the boys.

happy adulthood to me

#trans #ftm #lgbtq #weed #420 #420 friendly #trans tips #help a dude out #add me to a group chat idk #what the fuck do i do now

[bisexualsforprompto]

Teen Titans AU Part Two

First ^^

Some plot, but mostly fluff of our loveable Titans.

Marinette flung her yo-yo around, destroying the training targets around Beast Boy. Gar gave her a cat like grin and transformed into a green tabby. Marinette turned around, rolling her eyes at the boy’s antics. “Oh Purrincess…” Marinette froze, it couldn’t be… she turned around slowly again and found herself face to face with Chat Noir. “Did you really think I’d forgotten about you?” He advanced on her, “wherever you go I will find you, you might as well give up now. You were meant to be mine after all...now how about showing some love to your knight in shining leather?”

ome plot, but mostly some fluff with our loveable little Titans.

A screaming and shaking Marinette was shaken awake by Kori. “Marinette! Marinette!” Marinette opened her eyes, only then did she realize her cheeks were wet from tears. She also realized all of the titans were in her room and witnessed her entranced in her nightmare. Oh god! Marinette thought, oh no oh no! They can’t see me like this! Oh no! I can’t get akumatized! She put on a blank face and cleared her mind and emotions. The whole of the team stared in shock at her quick change in demeanor. Kori had been informed about Hawkmoth so she put her charge at ease, “Hawkmoth has been defeated Marinette. You don’t have to hide your feelings.” Marinette nodded slowly, but still refused to take down her walls. As the team stood in her room she gave a weak smile, “I’m fine, really. You can go. It was just a nightmare.” Most of the team exited and Gar whispered under his breath to Jamie, “yeah totally believable. Not like this has been routine for a whole week.” As the team left Marinette’s room Raven sat on her bed. “Marinette. I think I can ease your pain. I’m an empath so I will feel what you have felt and be able to let your mind rest, although maybe only tonight and a couple more days if this is really as bad as it seems…” Marinette nodded and sniffed a little, even though Raven had a somewhat icy and disconnected demeanor Marinette could see through it and even though she had only been at the tower for a week, she felt safe with Raven. “Please Raven. I’d be so grateful for a sleep not plagued by nightmares.” Raven nodded and touched a hand to Marinette’s forehead.

Raven POV:

I touched her and immediately felt a wave of emotions. Panic, disgust and fear were the big ones. Ones buried beneath were anger and… was it betrayal? Raven felt everything that had happened to Marinette and even though she didn’t know the details she knew that nobody deserved these feelings. Then the biggest shock came and sent a tremor through Raven’s body. Trapped. This emotion was so intense, I have to get away. I can’t get away. Why can’t I get away?! She could feel the panic of Marinette as it swelled to a dramatic climax.

No one’s POV

The connection severed and Raven fell to the ground. “Raven!!” Marinette cried. She jumped off her bed to tend to her friend. “I’m sorry, I’m ok. I’m just so sorry, you don’t have to tell me what happened. Maybe another time when you’re comfortable, it was just so intense that I could only ease your smaller emotions, but I think if I can understand better I can help, but I will never push you. I know what it’s like to be trapped, I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more. Not only are you feeling trapped but you’re trapped by your own emotions. I’m so sorry, I’m just sorry-“ Raven was cut off by Marinette hugging her. So many things were racing through Raven’s mind: I should be the one consoling her, not the other way around, I feel so guilty that I can’t help, what the hell happened to her?! But above all of these thoughts were, the team and I are going to hunt whoever did this down, and they’re going to wish they were never born.

When Marinette woke up the next day she felt more refreshed. She knew Raven couldn’t heal everything but even the little bits helped. As Marinette woke up and put on some clothes that would be suitable for breakfast (the zoo of chaos) and training she pondered to herself. Can I tell the team what happened to me, would they understand? Am I overreacting? Do I trust them enough? Marinette wasnt ready to talk about what happened, maybe her feelings but no she specifics. She still couldn’t be sure if she was overreacting but she had a definitive answer for her last question, no. Marinette couldn’t understand why though, she trusted them to have her back in training and she trusted them enough to live with them, but could she trust them with the story? Marinette felt so conflicted, she felt she could trust everyone for the most part but not Lila. She thought Lila would use it against her, then she realized, No!! I’m doing it again! Tara is not Lila. Tara is NOT Lila! Ugh! Marinette was disgusted with herself for judging, again when she was snapped out of her thoughts by the somewhat overwhelming smell of waffles. She glanced at Tikki, “how does waffles sound for breakfast Tikki?” Tikki made an audible mmmm, “sounds delicious, but Marinette, you were very quiet for a while and you had the nightmare again last night. Are you sure you’re okay?” Marinette nodded, “Raven helped the nightmares last night a lot, as to why I was quiet...well I know I shouldn’t but for some reason I keep comparing Tara to Lila.” Tikki nodded, “I understand Marinette. It’s hard trusting after everything you’ve gone through. Take your time and realize Tara is not a liar like Lila and I’m sure she’ll understand.” Marinette found some comfort in her kwami’s speech. “You know what! You’re right Tikki, she’s a Titan, she’ll understand! And it’s not as if she’s name dropping like Lila!” Marinette watched as her kwami zipped to her shoulder. “You really are an amazing girl and Ladybug Marinette. You’re one of the best Ladybugs I’ve ever had. Now, how about we have some waffles?”

Marinette and Tikki made their way down the steps, everyone was in the dining area when she got there. “Hi guys! How are your mornings going?” Beast Boy responder first, “its waffle day...so amazingly!!!” Jon winked at her and said, “well it’s going pretty good now that you’re here.” Gar smiled, “smooth man!” Jamie chuckled a bit and Damian rolled his eyes, grumpy as always. Now that Marinette was feeling better and more confident she decided to do what she did best. She sat down next to Damian and said, “you know… I bet I can make you smile.” Damian scoffed at the same time Jon said, “I don’t doubt it.” Jamie put a hand on Marinette’s shoulder, “you can try but we’ve been trying for two years without success.” Marinette took that as a challenge, and if there was anything she loved it was a good challenge. She leaned into Damian and whispered something the others couldn’t hear into his ear. Damian cracked a quick grin, he placed it back into his signature frown, but not before Beast Boy snapped a picture. “Ooh send that to me!” Jon exclaimed. “Already on it bro!” Gar responded. Jon’s phone chimed and before Damian could grab it Jon took it and started cracking up. “Ohh man! The Wayne’s aren’t gonna believe this!” “Don’t you dare send that to my family!” Damian shrieked. “Too late,” Jon said, “ooh! Looks like Dick, Jason and Barbara have just opened it.” Damian groaned. Marinette giggled triumphantly. “How’d you do that Mari? What’d you say?” Jamie asked. “A magician never reveals her secrets.” Marinette responded. Raven cracked a smile, she was happy that Marinette seemed so in her element. Kori brightened, she knew that the team would accept Marinette more now, she smiled at Raven, after all this was partly her doing. Tara blended in, laughing and smiling when necessary, her mind was elsewhere however and she poked at her waffles. Then Marinette challenged Beast Boy, Tara had only been around a few months but she still knew that challenging Beast Boy to video games was a mistake. Even so she gathered in the game room with the others.

“What game were you thinking Marinette?” Gar said smugly. “Doesn’t matter, I’ll win anyway.” Marinette said jokingly. “Oh ok! Have it your way! I’ll pummel you in this game!” Beast Boy said, pulling out Meccha Strike 5 while throwing a playful punch on Marinette’s shoulder.

Marinette obliterated him.

The team was still in shock from Marienette’s awe inspiring victory. Damian even cracked another smile. What is this girl doing to me? He thought. Maybe he liked it, he decided.

Jon grinned again. He was always a happy person but when Marinette would enter a room Jon could feel his heart soar. What is this girl doing to me? He beamed as he thought. He knew he never wanted to be away from her again, and when he thought of the night previous when she had cried he vowed that he would never let her feel that way again.

Weeks passed, and then a month. The two boy’s feelings for Marinette grew stronger everyday. As Marinette’s birthday approached, the team minus Marinette (of course) were planning a surprise for the girl’s birthday. What they didn’t realize was that somebody else was planning a surprise too, and Marinette would surely not like it…

Extra:

Jason gaping at the picture Jon sent him: EVERYONE CHECK IT OUT! DEMON SPAWN IS CAPABLE OF HUMAN EMOTIONS!!!

Extra II:

Tim: There’s no way that’s Damian. Jon must’ve gotten really good at photoshop...that can’t be Damian, right Dick?

DickGrayson.exe.has stopped responding.

#damianette #damian wayne #marinette dupen chang #raven roth #teen titans #teen titans au miraculous #jonathan kent #tara markov #terra markov #beast boy #garfield logan #miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir #jamie reyes #blue beetle #koriand'r #starfire #wow i have a lot of tags

[missjackil]

Ok for your ask thing. Its no secret how I feel about the start of S8 or Dean being BFF's with a vampire but how did you feel about S8/Sam and the vet bitch/Dean's treatment of Sam and Dean and his BFF Benny. I wanna see if you can put a positive spin on all this awful

Well its no surprise that I LOVED S8!! But it wasnt without flaw. Theres no reason on Gods green Earth why Sam wouldnt look for Dean or at the very least establish he was dead. Im not from the camp of “He thought Dean was in Heaven” because Dean was not a fan of Heaven and Sam would want to rescue him. I understand and fully support what Carver wanted to do, but THAT detail sucks, though it was put there for a reason (that Ill get to in a second) Amelia sucked.  Not for the purpose she served per se but they shouldnt have had her treat him like shit in the beginning. It would have been easier to swallow that he hooked up with her if she had treated him decently.

Now with all that being said, Carver took over at a time in which the brothers’ relationship was pretty undefinable. I wont even pretend that I liked Sera Gamble and a big reason why is because she took a fractured relationship from the dramas of s4 and 5 and smashed it more. Season 7 left us with a nearly useless Sam that didnt even have a good heroic kill in s6 or 7 and Dean who cared more about Cas (who caused Sam to go insane and nearly killed him) than he did Sam, and sent Sam to find Kevin, while he begged Cas to help him get Dick Roman “2 outs bottom of the 9th, Id rather have you... cursed or not” 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 and yall praise this woman and dis Dabb?? He’d never do that! But that’s another rant hehe

Alright so we’re left with this mess that we dont know where the Winchesters are with each other, so Carver knocked the relationship down to the foundation and rebuilt it better than it ever was. We had Sam not looking for Dean, being a dick when Dean comes back, threatening to leave well after Dean stopped bitching about him not looking for him. He’s looking at schools and being offered a home, a woman, and a dog and a safe life. Does he want to be with Dean anymore?? And we have Dean who’s pissed at Sam, he has a big strong buddy he can hunt with, Cas is back and wants to hunt too... does he even need Sam? By mid season, we the audience isnt sure.  Then we come back Dean wanting to take on the Trials so he can die and let Sam have the life he always wanted. Sam taking over the Trials in hopes to live at first but then ready to die because Dean (in his mind) doesnt trust him because hes let his down so much and is ready to replace him with Cas or Benny (who Dean didnt burn and Sam acknowledged he understood why he might want to bring him back) he believed he himself would finally be pure so, dying is fine. Now both have realized they dont want to even live without the other, and Dean dumps Cas and his mission as soon as he hears Sam’s life is on the line. To him even saving the planet isnt worth life without Sam, so he gives the best and most brother love defining speech in the whole series. In a nut shell, Carver took the boys from “meh... theyre good buddies but ...” to “I would rather die than see someone take my place with you” and “Id rather kill my best friend and let the world burn than replace you” 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

So, was it messy getting to that? Damn sure was... but MAN it was worth it! Now we know the brothers love each other more than anyone or anything, and even though they fuck up sometimes, they wont give up on each other, This is why S8 was great and completely necessary and I applaud Carver for bringing back that love.

Thank you Grumpy!!

[swordbreakerz]

romanticized asks do all the evens motherfucker

i’ll hunt you for sport

2. if someone were to catch Hanahaki disease for you, what flowers would they cough up?

thats such a loaded question god, fucking. green carnations i guess? simply cause of the gay coding of that flower idk man

4. tell us about your ideal battle outfit.

im gonna take this literally so base layer: nice linens, and then a silk shirt and pants. well fitted leather armor with a good range of motion, sturdy but flexible boots, leather arm guards, a swooping cloak and simple jeweled diadem

6. name five iconic quotes that make you feel things.

may butcher these i have a shit memory and i cant think of anything like. ‘iconic’ rly so bear with me

‘and don’t forget sam. frodo wouldn’t have gotten far without sam.’ ‘now mr frodo i was bein serious!’ ‘so was i.’ - lord of the rings

you’re right-- holiness is in the hands even if it’s always the head that gets haloed. - c.t. salazar

are you there, sweetheart? do you know me? is this microphone live? let me do it right for once. - richard siken

you cannot kill me in a way that matters - that tumblr post abt mushrooms

there is no greater innocence than our gentle sin - hozier

8. what combination of natural scents would you use as perfume?

manzanita, pine sap, forest duff, juniper, very earthy and sharp

10. describe yourself as if you were a storm.

on again off again all day rain, sometimes no more than a drizzle and sometimes a raging thunderstorm

12. honey in milk or cinnamon in tea?

yeah

14. curtains of beads or lace?

mmmmm beads i think cause of the click clacks

16. describe your ideal fantasy outfit

high waisted cotton pants and a poofy linen shirt, leather half corset, a couple belts for my sword and daggers, either no shoes or soft leather slippers, cape obviously and lots of jewelry

18. hard candy, fruit preserves or spice cake?

if i had to choose right now spice cake but like all of them depending on my mood

20. tying your hair up using ribbon, yay or nay?

hell fucking yes i just dont have long enough hair right now

22. tell us, in detail, about a curse a witch would put on you.

god fuck you uhhhh. probably like a curse to not be able to articulate myself? i would be able to get the general idea across but not what i Actually Meant wow that sounds like my personal hell

24. mint, rosemary, basil or sage?

mint or basil depending on my mood

26. tell us about an experience you’ve had that seemed unreal or supernatural. (doesn’t have to be scary)

ok so 2018 i did a haunted house and for the first few days i was behind a door that essentially led to a service hallway fr the security cause there was a lot of people instead of like, an actual scare spot in one of the rooms and it was great UNTIL i started hearing knocking from the wall behind me, and keep in mind this was a warehouse i was at the edge of the haunt there was nothing on the other side of me but the Outside so its not like one of the actors or patrons was knocking around behind me, a couple times i saw a stack of hat boxes jostle which was Not fun no sir i really hated it, this went on for a couple nights before one night it was a slow period and i was standing by my door waiting to hear someone come in, and let me clarify the setting a little bit i was in a storage area so there was bins and shit all around me, and i was chilling and i heard smth like sliding behind me? and then a stack of empty tubs fucking slid into me and hit my shoulder. now this stack wasnt in danger of falling it was sitting back pretty stable on top of a pile of boxes so tldr a ghost shoved a pile of emtpy storage bins to try and hit me it sucked. it stopped after that and then i moved rooms after to fill out the necessary spots but it uhh sucked lol

28. tell us three sayings that you live by.

ah jeez um. lets see

do no harm, take no shit; it takes two to tango; curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back

30. describe your ideal masquerade ball outfit (mask included).

tailored three piece suit with a corset styled like a waistcoat, dress shoes with a small heel, cane with a handle styled like a big cat, maybe a panther or smth, full-face barn owl mask with pale filligree you have to get close in the right light to see clearly

32. what would you end up in the dungeon for?

homosexual activity and public dueling

34. if you could have any magical item, what would it be?

definitely a flying carpet

36. would you rather be a pirate or a king/queen?

pirate pirate pirate pirate 100 percent oh my GOD please let me sail the open seas with my gay lover

38. would you have a painting of yourself?

nah maybe if it was a group piece with my friends or s/o or smth but not a solo portrait

40. if you could live any fairy tale, which one would you?

idk i dont have the braincells to give this question a lot of thought, theoretically i guess but it depends on the fairy tale

alright motherfucker expect retaliation im coming for you

#ilysmmmm #friendos #jade #and z answers #prozacking

[homestucky]

ok ok this is like not anything new but still since i havent been on here i havent fully ranted about this yet. big long rant incoming

re the epilogue (spoilers etc)

ok. i have onl y read meat. but fucking? dirk? dirk? ok? dirk??

no.

i am aware of what happens in candy. i know he dies.

i also know in the version i read, in meat, he becomes his ultimate self, all versions of dirk. as many people have said, this includes AR, this includes bro, this includes even to some degree, LE. its an interesting idea ill give you that. but its also.... shitty and not backed enough by well, anything?

so heres my personal rant about the shitty things in Meat.

when i first finished it i couldnt help but think. was the dirk narrative even necessary? on the one hand it was meant to be the MAIN PLOT and it defined the narration etc, but.... it honestly didnt seem to have any importance. i know it was likely  a set up to imply future stuff like making the next sburb or whatever but like

who CARES? why on earth would that be interesting or important? maybe im crazy but like, the ‘b plot’ which was mostly about character relationships and jobs in earth c, was compelling and enjoyable. the narrative with john ‘not important and not the main character anymore’ egbert had details and conclusions ACTUALLY RELATING TO HOMESTUCK, THE COMIC I LIKE AND WANTED TO READ AN EPILOGUE FOR. it was tragic and frankly very upsetting! im not saying i liked it!! but the tragedy felt compelling and significant. 

i appreciate that dirk as narrator IS BIASED so him saying that these narratives are less important is inherently like. not to be trusted but. just. i cant help but feel like you could have cut the whole ‘main dirk reality affecting’ narrative OUT 

and that seems to me maybe like... not good? if such a central part of your narrative has almost no bearing on homestuck or anything anyone cares about?

but im sure there are other people who found it compelling and necessary. thats fair. cant relate but you do you. there are other issues. 

me saying that the dirk narrative felt weirdly isolated and insignificant sounds pretty weird given that it put jade into a coma, manipulated kanayas mind, effectively killed rose and destroyed rosemary right? WELL that brings me on to the next thing. people have noted that meat barely passes the bechdel test. and hey, sometimes things like that can just be a coincidence or unlucky. but the repeated erasure of the female characters minds, motives, identities and autonomy was????  a little too consistent to dismiss. like ok terezi was still her dope self in a lot of ways. jane kinda did some stuff (under dirks direction, and only shitty stuff but . whatever). 

(sidebar: ofc it doesnt make sense to talk about calliope and roxy in the context of the female characters in Meat but either way they were very in the background. like cool an all, and i always love roxy. and i respect they were mostly just minding their own businesses??? which is fair)

 i just. urgh. homestuck has such a genuinely good track record of giving female characters genuine motivations and powerful abilities etc. the fact that almost ALL the female characters involved were working for or manipulated by DIRK. DIRK of all people. is like... is this even based off the real comic? idgi????

roses loss of autonomy.... rose is such an important character. and she goes along with everything dirk says because dirk is suddenly all OP and ‘theyre basically the same person anyway’ like i get that there was some magic bullshit going on or whatever but at the end of the day rose was still written as weak and passive. dirk as strong and skilled and decisive. i get the undertones.. hes a prince of heart. a destroyer of souls, and identities. he messed with kanayas identity , destroyed roses, repeatedly ignored roxys and calliopes, and god i wont even get started on jake yet. but that doesnt make it satisfying to read. or even really feasible.

so theres a possibility im missing something. but im confused about WHY dirk is allowed this power. in the narrative its waved off as a kind of ‘i guess because im like a prince of heart or whatever and im just super good at managing identities and being a strong boy’ like ok if theres some implication somewhere that that is MEANT to be a bogus explanation id be interested to know because it sounds pretty goddamn bogus. why would this happen to dirk? why? literally? one reason? one that makes sense? because there arent any i can think of. why, in the new universe, would dirk, a prince of heart, manifest into a narrative controlling supergod. and fucking WHEN has dirk showed any actual capabilities in this area before?? he KINDA sucked at it in the game. dirks an idiot! hes smart and capable in like, some ways but. its like

why is dirk so powerful suddenly -> its because hes become super ultimate dirk -> ... ok why -> uh because like. hes just so naturally inclined towards being a great manipulator yknow..... canonically.... uhhhh

it just. canon dirk to epilogue dirk is the most ridiculous leap character wise, skill wise, arc wise, personality wise, with minimal reasonable explanation. 

which brings me on to the next thing. so i roasted dirk and said he wasnt strong enough to be able to manipulate things this well. well, obviously through some other means dirk HAS been afforded this power. but what about his personality? its obviously gonna be warped with self importance and knowing how things ‘have to be’. but hes heartless, cruel and hateful. in some ways it seems like canon dirk levels of ruthlessness, especially when it shows that he is actually doing something dumb and petty like his treatment of jake. that shows that he STILL has emotional connection to people as dirk. he also seems to care about some people, like dave and roxy, and cracks jokes and wants to have ‘fun’. this makes the ways in which hes so warped and cruel seem even worse. maybe on the one hand im giving dirk too much credit, everyone knows he has the potential to be a real bastard. but i dont think that was the trajectory he was on when we last saw him. and if this is truly due to him just.. becoming other versions of himself too including LE and bro and stuff..like. i dont see how it could have gotten that bad without say, roxy or dave noticing. 

‘oh they didnt notice because hes just so good at hiding’ why on earth would i believe that!! dave especially this is kinda insulting for. dave is shown to have an almost supernatural ability to detect danger. partially this might be timeline stuff, knight stuff, but also notably im sure his upbringing is involved too. he was trained to be hypervigilant. who was he trained to be hypervigilant for? bro. bros manipulation and traps. near the end of the epilogue we show that dave IS capable of detecting the mindfuckery thats happening. how would that not set off 1 million alarm bells? theres literally apparently a twisted dirk-bro mutant INSIDE HIS HEAD telling him what to do. i just. know that scene was played for comedy and romance but at the very least thats gotta like???? mess with u if ur traumatised? and thats like , why i think dave should have had an inkling abt what was going on!! this is exactly the thing he hates and fears and was traumatised by! and it just going under his nose n him not even knowing , and still pretty recently being all buddy buddy with dirk seems just stupid and infeasible to me. maybe this is me being naive or kind of a stretch but i just feel like daves danger instincts would have been kicking up a whole assed ruckus that whole time. 

also kind of unrelated but i associate sunglasses with strider style toxic masculinity and hiding things so like. ok transitioning or changing gender presentation is one thing but roxy apparently permanently wearing sunglasses makes me NERVOUS

and ill probably wrap up this mighty rant soon but i wanna also say jake was done so fucking dirty. i know he was like, meant to be, because for some reason god dirk just hated him? like ok petty much. but. urgh jake is such an interesting character with a lot of potential and while i appreciate that him being manipulated by someone who may reasonably have a problem with him may make him do stupid and embarrassing stuff, all the narrative seems to have taken a backward step in how hes represented. jake isnt stupid, dirk clearly knew this in canon and he maybe was the only one even including jake. and there was some acknowledgement of this near the beginning of the epilogue. but then for some reason it goes back on itself. everyone still thinks jake is just completely stupid, including the embittered superdirk. so yeah i guess hes upset with jake or whatever but. its still dissatisfying to be like oh yeah jake isnt stupid he actually has a complex set of motivations and potential etc BUT over the X number of yrs on earth c no one else has realised this yet?? hmm. then his narrative is just gonna end up with him being a total joke and essentially becomes as stupid and incompetent as his worst critics say he is. feasible given the mind control ? yeah. enjoyable to read or having any kind of satisfying bearing on anything? nope!

so anyway. i feel like any criticism i have could be argued back with ‘but oh it has to be this way’ or ‘mind control!!’ or ‘not everything has to be nice and happy !!’ but like. dude. there are flaws. many of them. and seeing characters just get shat on is never gonna be good writing. 

#hs epilogue #epilogue #meat #epilogue spoilers

[littlecafe]

omg yaa the pricing is way more than necessary for what fans are getting! even with the romanticize album they changed to slipping the cd into a paper envelope too. at least before the merge the cd was actually attached to the inside of the cover? idk whether its funny or just sad because romanticize wasnt even a hard cover album, it came in this weird paper box-like thing that held the loose items together. plus the photobook was just this very small paper booklet. but the ripped pages are definitely a first.

oh no i forgot about the enlistment too TT thats such a good point, fans always assumed theyd stay together even through their service, but now everything is still so uncertain. there still hasnt been any movement at all with jr, which is really worrying to me. at least aron announced hes gonna be in a podcast with his friend, but who knows what else is going on. ive already seen solo fans turning on the other members because theyre ridiculous like that. i hope at least the boys are able to interact freely without any worries, unlike the w1 era.

noo its ok you make a lot more sense than i feel like my asks turn out, im just spewing out my jumbled thoughts and hoping theyre not confusing!

ahhh thats so good, one of every member! ya honestly id like a group pc or poster so everyone is included. omg your stores let you pick?? thats so nice D: hehe maybe printing photos to put in the album like a scrapbook is the way to go, ive seen some fans do that as well! which is still sad that it has to be the consumer fixing the expensive product they paid for. at least you got a photo you like so its not just a mediocre image to keep reminding you of the production TT d you know how big the poster is?

yea like what is justifying these album costs because it's not the quality of them...omg so i don't pay close attention to albums so i never knew that the romanticize album packaging was like that until i skimmed some unboxings yesterday, i always assumed it was a book...not a flimsy box....though i guess there's nowhere to attach the cd if you make their album a soft box but i still hate how they really don't try to give the cd at least a cute, safer envelope instead of plain printed paper it looks and feels cheap and they deserve better and fans deserve better as the ones buying it for these prices too

romanticize is a little similar to day6's moonrise album since it was also in a box like thing that opens up in a similar way but the day6 one is pretty sturdy, the harder canvas like material on the outside keeps it from ripping and it's also bigger and flatter so less chance of it getting smushed during shipping/storing, their cd was packed in a semi-translucent thicker wax envelope so it doesn't tear or bend unless you forcefully try to, there's a light printing of the moon in the front and their logo/details on the back sealed with a sticky....god i wish that was nu'est so bad like pls if you're going to go with the cd just chilling outside like that MAKE THE ENVELOPE NICE AND STURDY TO KEEP THE CD SAFE but really this would be asking for too much since they even forgot to include the cd in some albums like i really don't understand....out of all things you could possibly leave out, the cd? really??? this is why u should attach it the the damn book omg

because of this fiasco, i skimmed multiple unboxings from various groups on youtube because i was just curious how other albums are packed and for the ones that have a separated cd, some use the lyrics booklet as a holder for the cd and i think that's an interesting way to do it, you don't need to waste more paper for an envelope since it would come with the booklet regardless, the harder paper stock and extra pages can buffer which makes me feel like the cd is safer inside, and it just looks better

enlistment scares me so bad especially for those that don't have a group to come back to, like there are always going to be some loyal fans, but the the industry moves on and they move on quickly so it's really hard to build back up if you haven't already secured a spot in whatever world you're in before the ~2 year enlistment period (kpop, acting, etc) because most likely they've already found another person to take your spot while you're gone

it's also so surreal to me talking about enlistment for them because in my mind i'll always remember them to be the youngest boy group to debut at the time like i can't believe it...

ahhhhh i hope this means he's just taking a short break after all these long years and the disbandment out of nowhere must be hard to deal with so it'll be nice for him to take some time to himself first rest and regroup...that's what i'll tell myself for now but hopefully we'll hear something soon, i'm glad there's news on aron at least!!!

oh nooo the solo fans are already starting??? can we please just have some rest in the fandom omg they're terrible, the boys bond with each other is so strong i honestly can't believe solo fans still manage to exist

yes!!! i'm so happy to pull at least one thing from each member!! still laughing at myself because i really, truly thought with my whole heart that the group photocard was a guarantee i was so devastated sakjfhskdf wait do local stores around you not let you pick?? like the ones you can go to in person? i always got to pick whenever i bought in person so i assumed that's how it worked everywhere, at least for posters, since they don't seem as high value as some other goods lol (stores literally rip random posters to use as packaging sometimes and it kinda pains me ngl 😅) but i do think it was very fortunate the stores here let me pick for all types of pre-order benefits even though it should be random, especially with member cards

omg waitttt scrapbook style is such a cute idea!!! i've actually never tried to do something like that before so it might turn out not nice lol but i'm very tempted to try it once i get my album, it can't turn out much worse than an empty cover right lmao

the poster is a decent size, it's listed as 420 x 594mm (for the member ones, the group one is the same but flipped aka 594 x 420mm because it's horizontal), the dimensions are exactly like some of day6's posters so it could be a more standard size to use?

since i actually have a poster of the same size i took a picture for you!! sorry for terrible lighting but their poster should be the same as this youngk one, 12 inch ruler to the side for comparison~ you can also see the physical posters in ktown4u's unboxing but they don't show it all on screen at once since their camera setup films closer up

#i always thought romanticize was book style or like hard covered box at least #the shock when i watched an unboxing and it looked like some printed diy project pledis and **** rot in hell #i only talk about day6 albums because those are the ones i have asjdsf other than theirs i have a few more all from sm groups #i don't think any company has consistently good packaging it's always hit or miss but pledis is consistently BAD #the fact that it got worse after the merger when i saw some **** company fans saying they're bringing them out of debt or giving them money #like where's the money then bc it sure as hell isn't being put back into the groups #also glad i'm making some sense to you sakjdsjf and dw i think ur asks are fine too!! #maybe we're all just jumbled messes floating around and that's ok too loool #question

[deeeelightfuldee]

survey by lateralligator

energizer battery

What brings you joy (what lights up your life)? benny, my nephews/niece, laughing with mom, sleepless in seattle & bobs burgers, thunderstorms, Christmas time, a good book, comfy pjs, good food, board games

If you had endless energy and stamina, how would you spend your days? I would probably be jazzed about working out (looooool) and would get up at like 5 am and do all the things.

What mental or physical space do you go when you want to recharge or relax? drives on my own with music on the radio and windows down. 

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? What happened? oof.man it has been some time. everyone is so sad lately. 

bellyache | butterflies What disgusts you? | What makes you feel repulsed? spiders, those who sexually assault, those who physically abuse, those who mentally abuse, manipulators, liars, that feeling when you know your world is about to crash and you can’t stop it

How do you want to be treated/cared for when you are physically ill? OOOOO i love this. I love being checked up on (send me texts) and I love not having to worry about making food. When I was in horrible clusters during a relationship I would often just want to snuggle up next to my (then)bf and watch movies and play games 

How do you cope with physical and/or mental hardship? typically I just work through it on my own. 

Did you have/use a comfort object as a child (do you continue to have one)? I had a blankie that I loved so much and a doll.

carbon monoxide detector | fire extinguisher How do you know/what are the clues that you are at verge of a breakdown? hmm. when I stop feeling shocked/upset. when I first found out about kile back months ago, my big breakdown came from when I was just like numb.

When was the last time you said something you regret? What did you say? ummm, i am unsure

How do you let go when you know it is time? im dealing with that tonight actually. I have been talking to kile lately because hes going through some really horrible things and he has meant so much so me for so long and when you love someone like that, you want to do anything to see them OK. but every single day its like I’m realizing how much this is destroying me. He is nothing like the guy I knew and he is totally oblivious to how different things are and how he talks to me now. I am legitimately wrecking myself to try and separate my feelings from him and talking makes it so hard and then tonight it was just such a huge reminder that he is not the person I knew for so long. He doesn’t talk to me tenderly, he has these HUGE opinions on things that are so different from the Kile I knew.. idk. its not my kile anymore. I’m finally realizing that things between us have officially died. so now im letting go, but mourning over the relationship i used to have with him. I swear it feels like im making that closeness up.

If you could describe CALM as a place, what features would it have? itd be a room with big windows that are cracked open and curtains blowing in the breeze of a thunderstorm rolling in. it’d be a big comfy couch and blankets and pillows and a good movie or book. It’d be a sleeping dog and cat lounging about the room and a fire in the fireplace. 

faulty door handle | baby blanket What does it mean for you to open up to another human being? holy cow its a big frickn deal. I wish I wasnt this closed off. its something I want to work on. I can count literally on 3 fingers the number of people I’ve ever truly opened up to and that fact alone makes me want to crumble. 

When was the last time you fell asleep on someone else's shoulder? i would love to do that but I have never.

Who makes you feel unconditionally loved, no strings attached? um. hm.

How do you know when you love someone (any kind of love)? when I’m in love I get this like.. feeling that comes over me that is like wow, he means so much to me and I want to do what I can to make his life better. Its like the feeling when I can picture a life with that person. its when I feel safe

moonlight | lightning bugs | the end (lights out) What do you tend to get carried away with? talking about neuro

Describe the last dream you can recall having. Kile’s parents called me up because he was in the hospital after being in an accident and he had really extensive injuries and was refusing to take care of himself. they said he kept asking for me but was too stubborn to contact me (psh). and so I flew out there and then to make a very long detailed story short, I basically became his caretaker until he was able to handle it again.

Where do you want to end up (physically living, mentally feeling)? on a plot of land with beautiful trees and grass and animals and a nice porch, sitting next to a man I love and watching our kiddos. I want to remain happy.

Do you believe we have souls; do you believe in a life after death? yes and yes.

When was the last time you felt that the stars had aligned in your favor? goodness. umm probably finding out I had the credits for 2 degrees instead of 1

Can you identify any of the constellations in the sky? the big and little dippers

What are your hopes for tomorrow? that ill get to play board games and have a good homecooked meal and that I’ll finally get the box I need to pack up all my kile things :( so sad but so necessary. 

Who do you hope to be ten years from now? In what ways the same or different? I want to remain kind and loving and I want to be better about letting people in and allowing love.

[awitnesstocorruption]

As I related my relationship with my Spiritual Director in my opinion was cool, ok, satisfactory up to the point at which he told me he was being re-assigned to Menlo, and then a last meeting which added even to the strangeness of Opus Dei, because undoubtedly theres some meaning in every detail.

No halo, and a small but obvious tiny white lie, but the content so perfunctory that the only response could be that it was, I dont know. Im used to be usually overly sensitive with respect to not asking about sensitive issues. In other words, I would rather have you believing I was stupid or uninterested than to give you a reason to justify reticence or distrust. You understand my position on "research" and sincerity or honesty. And theres that beautiful period of time in a relationship when its a free exchange of truth and opinion and what not, but then if the relationship changes, you'll know because of the change in the response of the person who previously was cool to talk to.

So in the weird case of my Spiritual Director; and yes its a weird group, and its always existed, the weird group. Isnt it in the New Testament somewhere about an interaction that St Paul had with a royal person of some sort, and the king calls Paul crazy or something?

Well one observation which Im glad I finally had was about who St Paul was. And it was right there as it were in front of my face all the time, and I didnt make the connection. One wonders IF at some point in the History of the New Testament written on paper, mutatis mutandis, that his office or his position was written explicitly?

Its the acknowledgement and understanding of authority which is perhaps the big difference between what a Catholic reader of the Bible should have (in my opinion) and what Ive noticed about that reading style of those who claim to follow the methodology of ascertaining truth from canonical scripture called Sola Scriptura. So it was an episode of Oprah and it may have been from way back in her early years. Her guests were this father and son and the son was some sort of preacher type who could extemporaneously give a sermon and quote from the Bible, but he did it in a histrionic fashion which is common to a certain type of Southern preacher type. And so Oprah interviewed them and there was no question as to the sincerity of their Faith, but the audience seemed to not necessarily consider the kid to be an "authority" on what he was preaching about.

I, on the other hand, wasnt concerned with that aspect of the sermon. It was obvious that it was a child and he was doing what his father wanted him to do and the father was proud enough that he brought him on Oprah. And in my past Ive used memorization of speech content as a means of learning both style and content, so I thought it was cool. However, I noticed the aspect of reading style which the kid was using and it was very satisfying to me that I noticed. And so before I knew anything about fraternities or secret societies or Powers, I learned about reading and I read well enough to read and listen to the ideas of a mature erudite philosopher who was a friend of another mature erudite journalist author and tv show host. Great Books entails great ideas and great authors and SELECTION and categorization into levels of greatness or expertise etc etc. Thats, it seems to me, is a process similar in structure and effect to what happens in a group or fraternal organization as it progresses in history.

So how does that apply to what the kid was doing? Well, the kid was probably the recipient of Sola Scriptura ideology which is something I have no doubt has increased in its boldness and idolotry. And so if you are holding a Book which God has written and therfore its all perfect and true and on and on, then you should treat everything within the covers of the book the same. And I dont think my education as an English major would let me do that. The Bible is Ton Biblion and I was immediately persuaded once I heard Bart Ehrman mention the significance of 27 in a recorded video I think that there was a rhetorical element to that number of books and with that being accepted, all possibilities were let loose. But men and position and authority are prime considerations, Hierarchy is necessary.

[hp-again]

Rereading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Chapter Thirteen - The Secret Riddle

- LOL ron and hermione are just straight up ignoring harry every time he talks about malfoy and like, same. 

- OH WHADDUP PHINEAS i missed your eavesdropping ass 

“I would rather not say just now,” said Dumbledore. “However, I shall tell you in due course.” “You will?” said Harry, startled.

even harry is shook at the idea of dumbledore telling him ANYTHING lol

- guys i want a pensieve so bad. shit sounds dope. i have literally the worst memory i honestly think its NECESSARY 

- fucking hell. merope was super pregnant and had no money so she sold slytherins necklace to borgin and burkes and dude gave her TEN GALLEONS AND THATS IT bc she didnt know how much it was worth. thats so fucked. im so sad/mad. 

“But it is my belief - I am guessing again, but I am sure I am right - that when her husband abandoned her, Merope stopped using magic. I do not think that she wanted to be a witch any longer. Of course, it is also possible that her unrequited love and the attendant despair sapped her of her powers; that can happen.”

meropes life is literally so sad. GUYS this is really depressing

“This time,” said Dumbledore, “we are going to enter my memory. I think you will find it both rich in detail and satisfyingly accurate.”

jesus christ i love dumbledore. 

- was young dumbledore hot? can this be canon? i mean hes wearing a plum velvet suit for christ sake

It soon became clear that Mrs. Cole was no novice when it came to gin drinking. Pouring both of them a generous measure, she drained her own glass in one gulp. 

this lady is my hero. 

- ok mrs cole has had like literally 5 shots of gin in the span on maybe 10 minutes and while im a little worried shes telling us EVERYTHINGGG giving us the good goss

- ew wtf lil tom riddle hung a kids pet rabbit from the rafters. that anyone DIDNT assume he would turn out fuq’d up is a shock to me.

“I knew I was different,” he whispered to his own quivering fingers. “I knew I was special. Always, I knew there was something.”

why wasnt dumbledore more weirded out by this kid? like hes so quick to be like YUP OK IM A WIZARD. compared to harry whos like ‘lol no i just got caught in the wind! thats how i ended up on the roof, yeah!’

- tom is being described as having a commanding tone every time he talks and its giving me a real freaky deaky feel, ya know?

“And be warned: Thieving is not tolerated at Hogwarts.” Riddle did not look remotely abashed; he was still staring coldly and appraisingly at Dumbledore. At last he said in a colorless voice, “Yes, sir.”

THIS IS SO UNNERVING. WHY

“My mother can’t have been magic, or she wouldn’t have died,”

even as a kid he still sees death as the weakest thing a person can do. this chapter got me fucked up.

- oh shit ya even harry says that tom was way quicker than him to believe he was a wizard. wild.

“Did you know - then?” asked Harry. “Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time?” said Dumbledore. “No, I had no idea that  he was to grow up to be what he is.”

LEGIT CHILLS.

“The ring’s gone,” said Harry, looking around. “But I thought you might have the mouth organ or something.” Dumbledore beamed at him, peering over the top of his half-moon spectacles. “Very astute, Harry, but the mouth organ was only ever a mouth organ.”

HORCRUX SEEEEDING god damn jk rowling is genius

well that was an informative chapter. i havent read half-blood prince and deathly hallows nearly as many times at the other books, or as recently so im like learning new things!!!!! v cool, v cool

WELP if you liked this, follow me for more chapters!

#Rereading Harry Potter #Harry Potter #Ron Weasley #Hermione Granger #Albus Dumbledore #severus snape #Draco Malfoy #James Potter #Lily Evans #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #hogwarts #Gryffindor #hufflepuff #ravenclaw #slytherin #fantastic beasts and where to find them #Marauders #fred weasley #Luna Lovegood

[episodeshadow]

ok im still letting a lot of the game sink in and while i had a genuinely good time playing forces theres a couple things i just gotta get off my chest as criticisms.

spoilers under the cut

ok so gameplay wise, i liked it! especially custom hero and tag team stages. modern sonics stages were almost as good, but there were times when reactions wouldn’t happen, or trying to turn was less responsive, he just felt a little too loose and slippery, but still pretty good. the classic stages were alright but after playing some of mania they just felt kinda eh :/

ok

one thing that bothers me is how tails was written... he’s depicted as helpless and can’t fight back, completely ignoring how capable he is.  in sa2 when he thinks sonic is dead his reaction is to fight eggman more determined than ever because sonics not there so he has to act alone.  in forces.. well knuckles says that he lost it a little but its not really said what.. but he isnt helping the resistance.  tails would have been at the forefront of the war effort with knuckles amy and the rest but instead hes off doing god knows what because?? and i know if he really thought sonic was dead it would be a lot for him to handle but i dont think the way they portray him accurately represents that. he only comes back when he finds classic. and anytime he is approached by an enemy he only ever cowers away even though its established he is very capable of defending himself in a fight. i dont feel like this game did any favors for tails. :/

also.. why is classic there? like story wise it just didnt feel like his presence was a big point in the plot, overall tails and classics little side story felt like just that - a side story that didnt quite gel w the rest of the story.  he was added to appeal to the 2d sonic fans but i feel like that wasnt necessary.. we just got mania, and if they hadn’t tried to shoehorn him in the dev team couldve spent more time working on modern sonic and custom hero’s gameplay and really adding depth.  instead, we get classic gameplay that feels just a bit too lackluster and modern gameplay that, while enjoyable, felt a little too shallow.

and thats another point i wanna make, is time.  the whole game feels rushed, both plot-wise and game-play wise.  the game itself is not long, i cant remember how many hours it took but it was not many, the stages were all. pretty short. it would have been cool to see a few more locations maybe? and more variety of boss fights or at least showing up in the stage. like why add chaos in the game and then not use them at all.  shadow wasnt a boss fight but he got his dlc so. metal and zavoks fights were ok too. they just. couldve done more. theres only so much story/cutscenes, with the passage of time just shown as text.  it doesnt really let the player feel  the consequences.  oh sonic spent six months in prison? its fine tho here he is again five seconds and one cuscene later.  it wouldve been stronger if we got to see at least a little bit of what happened in those six months.  how battles were lost. its implied a lot of people died, and while they likely wouldnt have shown that, they could have depicted the struggle.  the heroes fighting against eggman but without sonic they find themselves outmatched and caught off guard for the first time, and they tell themselves its ok its just one battle.  But slowly, over time, they win less and less, they see more and more people in terror realizing that this man who they saw as just a ridiculous scientist whos always defeated is suddenly a much more real threat.  We are told that 99% of the world is conquered by Eggman, but I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s kind of hard to see that.  I just think it would be easier to get emotionally invested and really feel the sense of danger and urgency if we could actually get to see what led up to the point they were at.  They were all inside one bunker.  How did the whole planet become under an iron grip of Eggman that there were hardly any safe places to group?  I also can’t help but feel like the world was “reclaimed” too quickly.. all you had to do was take out the base and the whole area was free again? was the base the only thing that eggman had there? sure you take out enemies in the area but somehow it doesnt feel quite so impactful.  Although i will admit they do acknowledge this during the end, how the effort isn’t over and theres still a lot or work to be done.

likewise, theres just a lot of elements in the game that seem like they are supposed to be dramatic but don’t carry a lot of weight because they were not given time to stew... sonic was thought to be dead for six months but we don’t see them struggle without him and he seems just fine when he comes out of the prison; he’s ready to jump right back into action.  you could have just said he went on a space vacation and the effect would be essentially the same.

then theres the episode shadow dlc, where infinites “backstory” comes up.  we are told that infinte is a mercenary and was working for eggman, as a part of his army?? he was defending eggmans base, the rest of his squad had already been taken out by shadow.  shadow beats up infinite, infinite gets pissy bc he lost and decides hes not gonna be weak anymore, wears a mask and has the ruby.  Why did he react like this? He yells out that he’s not weak, almost like a mantra, even though Shadow never specifically called him that, just worthless and pathetic (damn, Shadow, chill).  Had he been called weak before? A problem he was already dealing with and Shadow just drove him over the edge? We don’t know. Actually, there’s a lot of stuff we don’t know about Infinite. He’s a guy, he was weak but then he wasn’t, and ? That’s it, the game doesn’t divulge anything about the Jackal Squad, we don’t know where Infinite came from, and we don’t even get to see his face in-game.  Although it could be argued that they left his story vague on purpose so that we could all apply our own theories, but.. there’s just so little to go on.  It’s hard for me to come up with specific questions because there’s hardly anything there to ask about.  

that was the main issue with me, everything was rushed.  i think i was expecting the game to go a lot deeper than it did.  Forces seemed to just gloss over a lot of the kind of details that would have made the story so much more gripping and worth getting emotional over.  Instead it felt more like going over a bulleted list of events; the cover summary instead of the novel.  Maybe I was expecting too much but I do think that they had a lot of potential that just wasn’t used to the best it could have been.  The story was there, it just, needed to be fleshed out a lot more. I’m sure there’s some plot holes too but I can’t remember off the top of my head.  Basically, I was hoping there would be... more.

ok thats what i wanted to say, i know im forgetting things and i dont know that any of that made sense but i just wanted to express the things i felt could have been done better/ be improved... i enjoyed the game despite all these things though and now that i typed up this lil mini essay im free to focus on the positives! :)

#sonic forces #sonic forces spoilers #yea... #my tag

[depressedmessmama-blog]

Helloooooooo my beautiful disasters!!

Happy Friday!! Kiddo is home from school today thanks to cruddy weather and road conditions. SNOOWWW DAAAYYY!!! We're still snuggled in bed and it's already 10 a.m. 😭 must we adult today??

I wanted to take some time today to elaborate on my background and why I want to be here for all of you.

I was in a relationship that was full of mental and physical abuse and after 7 years I escaped it. Unfortunately I entered that relationship at the age of 16 so it really damaged a lot of parts of me that still follow me today at almost 30. It gave me an awful case of PTSD which has led to many more problems along the way. I became a mother at age 17. That little girl still saves me every day! I lost custody of her in 2012 because I was learning all over again how to be alone and take care of myself and unfortunately it wasnt enough to take care of her at the same time. I became homeless and went through a lot of heartache. Through all of that trauma my panic attacks began. They hit me full force and I literally could not function. I couldn't eat, I couldn't work, I couldn't leave my house, I could barely hold a conversation. I lived that way for a year before I finally started researching EVERYTHING and teaching myself coping mechanisms and breathing techniques to just get through them. Throughout all of this I met the love of my life. We welcomed our daughter in 2013 and she is just as big of a blessing as her sister. We went through A LOT of struggle with family and friends and finding our way. In 2018 I lost control of my mental health. My panic attacks returned full force and it was like I physically couldn't remember how to do anything let alone want to do anything. I wound up sitting in the waiting room of a walk in clinic for 6 hrs to finally be seen. That was the bottom of the bottom for me. I wasnt being a good mom, I wasnt being a good wife, I was letting everyone around me down and at times even treating them awful. That's the day I began therapy and found out how deep these issues went for me and that sometimes medication is ok and if you need it you need. I couldn't have asked for a better man to have by my side through all of it. He was my saving grace every single day even though at the time I felt i surely didnt deserve any of his love or compassion. Last year we began trying to conceive. During this time we have lost 3 pregnancies. The last one being just a week ago. We have made the decision to stop trying and embrace the kids we do have with that much more love and compassion. This decision, although necessary, has brought on a very heavy depressive episode. I've dealt with depression since I was 17. Most days are ok but sometimes its crippling. Theres a thousand more details i could put into all of this and go through everything step by step but things will come out with time through my writings. Right now I just wanted to lay a base story out there for you all and give you an idea of who I am and where I come from. I'm a mom, wife, daughter, and lover of all beings.

There will be more to come but this is where I will leave it for today! If anyone has questions feel free to ask. I'm an open book because I feel if my story can help just 1 person then my job is fulfilled. Here's to brighter days! Stay ✌ful!!