#but it makes me so fucking unpleasant and i can FEEL that

[starlightiing]

Landoscar 🖤 for the kissing thing 🙏😘 absolutely adore ur writing

-rubywings

🖤 kissing while crying / goodbye kiss / desperation - Landoscar

@rubywingsracing

Sorry this took so long, I have been actively fighting my brain in a 1v1 WWE smackdown or something like that. I hope this is okay <3 And thank you so much, I'm so glad you like my fics!! <333 I decided since I probably won't ever write this fic as a whole, I'd at least get a snippet out of the 'Young Forever' idea. Based on THIS SONG by the ready set. specifically the lines 'the beat of the drums keeps us alive' / 'tonight will last forever 'till our bodies drop' Basic info: music keeps them alive. If the music stops for one of them, it's tied into their heartbeat and so their heart will stop in tandem. They need to be around speakers playing music or have headphones in playing music at all times or they die.

"It stopped. It - It stopped." Lando's voice is so desperate and tiny, his breaths following in short, staccato bursts that sound almost deafening to Oscar's ears. The fear written into Lando's features would be enough to break anyone's heart.

It completely shatters Oscar's.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." Oscar soothes, reaching out to place a gentle hand against Lando's cheek. Lando's skin is warm and buzzing, an electricity that Oscar can feel tingling in the tips of his fingers, running along highways of veins and capillaries until it reaches his heart. "It was only for a second. Nothing bad happened to me."

Lando shakes his head feverishly, curls bouncing every which way. Oscar watches as Lando's throat constricts, the flutter of his carotid pulse all too obvious in the hollow space between his collarbones. His heartbeat is fast, almost too fast, and it makes something unpleasant stir in Oscar's own chest. Seeing Lando like this is far more devastating than he ever could have imagined.

"It stopped. The music stopped." Lando says again, more incessantly, as his wide eyes come to rest in a deadlock with Oscar's gaze. "Your heart-"

"Didn't stop." Oscar finishes helpfully, unwilling to let the vicious storm of 'what ifs' and 'could haves' take Lando away from him. "It's still going. See?"

Oscar slides his hand down from Lando's cheek and uses it to instead grab one of Lando's trembling wrists. Delicately, he brings Lando's hand up to rest on his own chest, pressing the palm in against the curve of his sternum where his heart is beating at a steady, strong pace.

He knows the moment Lando feels his heartbeat, because those beautiful eyes, those goddamn eyes he loves so much, fill to the brim with tears.

"Oh, fuck." Lando gasps out, his voice trembling far worse than his hands. Oscar swallows thickly, watching the series of complex emotions that flicker across Lando's face. "Oscar. Fuck."

"It's okay," Oscar whispers, leaning in to press their foreheads together. Lando's fingers have curled up protectively in the space above Oscar's heart, almost as if he's trying to claw into Oscar's chest. "I'm here."

The hitch in Lando's breath makes Oscar's stomach churn. Tears begin to slip down Lando's cheeks - slowly, not in abundance, and Oscar wishes he could snap his fingers and take Lando's pain and fear away. He knows if the roles could reverse, he would be just as scared to have nearly lost Lando like that. To be milliseconds away from losing his sunlight, his moonlight, his starlight? Perhaps he would be even less composed. Perhaps he would not be composed at all.

"I love you." Lando says, before leaning and pressing his lips desperately against Oscar's. Oscar sucks in a sharp breath through his nose, tiling his head as he kisses Lando back just as desperately, like this is his lifeline and not the godforsaken music that forces his heart to keep on beating.

"I love you too." Oscar utters softly against Lando's lips as they break apart. "So much. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

"Okay."

If Lando turns the music up in his headphones later that night, Oscar doesn't say a word.

#landoscar #lando norris #oscar piastri #f1 fanfic #formula 1 fanfic #save #save tag #my writing #young forever #the ready set

[shalpilot]

.

#okay. observations about my mental state. #well first off it is bad #second off i feel like every emotion i feel is it’s own piece of me #with no overlap #when I am miserable that’s all i am and it feels like there’s no respite from that #when i’m happy i’m manic and overly energetic and i cling to it bc i know eventually i’ll be back to being sad and depressed #and recent update. the anger patch #maybe i want to believe these are all different personas or whatever (NOT SAYING THAT!! being so clear right now i do not believe that #it’s just what the experience feels like.) #but yeah i don’t want to think that the person i am when i’m angry is me #because it’s such an awful bitter feeling #and like i know i’m allowed to be mad #and given the shit i’m putting up with i mean who wouldn’t be #but it makes me so fucking unpleasant and i can FEEL that #just that directionless anger #and i feel like i can only condemn it after the fact in the moment I feel powerless to stop those feelings #uggghhh #anyways art imitates life or whatever

[kaltacore]

i know that aveline's condolences scene is supposed to be about understanding of other's grief but oh boy does it feel completely utterly wrong when you remember how she has treated the white lillies killer situation at the beginning of act 2 and how she just. never mentiones it if hawke doesn't call her out. and if they do her only response is "well people always blame the guard".

i believe she's genuine when she tries to comfort hawke by relating to their pain and telling about her father and how he died and how she'll miss leandra too but. the thing is. she knew about these murders as the captain of the guard and even asked hawke to help her with this. by shutting the guy who tried to investigate it up. because he talked nonsense. or did he.

hawke feels like shit and is consumed by guilt because they couldn't save their mother but aveline kinda should share the sentiment. there was a serial killer in the city and she did absolutely nothing to stop him and gave up on investigation because all of it seemed random and therefore couldn't be solved. it was literally her job but she decided not to act on it. consciously. so people died and if that wasn't enough, her friend's mother died, horribly too. is there really nothing to be said besides "well my father died too you know. it's okay to grieve. take your time" or "well the guard can't save everyone. blame the killer not me"

#oh boy act 2 aveline. so many fuck ups. so little self-recognition of it #i think it's also really interesting that she's a good captain of the guard. to the guards. not the people they are supposed to protect #anyway. that's a topic for another time #for my hawke it was the moment they started drifting apart #i actually love that moment as the part of characterisation. it's not the lack of recognition by the writers #it's the lack of recognition by aveline herself. you can blame her. she'll make clear what she thinks about it #chewing on the drama. it makes me feel things! unpleasant things but anyway! #hawke #leandra hawke #aveline critical #aveline vallen critical #dragon age #dragon age 2

[famewolf]

feeling a little burnt out tbh so I think I'm going to just try and relax as much as humanly possible to avoid crashing and burning like I usually do this time of year lmao

#[static] #work has been ..... Unpleasant #home life is wonderful and amazing as always but man i spend so much time at work fklghfdgf #it's around this time of year where i start to think 'what's the fucking point of working the job i do' and i have an existential crisis #even trying to play games rn is just Too much for my senses. I need to just enjoy silly non-serious things for a week or two I think #been hanging out with friends outside of work which has helped a lot! #i need some whimsy among the constant horrors which I feel bad for needing since it's 100% a privilege to be able to have that #it sucks that work drains my happiness away!! it's really just a couple of people there that make life miserable for everyone #there's nothing anyone can do about it ... alas ... we must continue moving forward because that's all we are able to do #i also feel bad because I started ME3 but I'm going to have to put playing it on hold until I'm in a much better headspace to enjoy it #it's been really amazing so far but it's incredibly intense and sad and i know it's going to eat my heart by the time it's done with me

[chiropteracupola]

the amount of time I spend on tumblr dot com has given me quite the set of standards when it comes to artworks on the theme of 'Trans Angel', and actual museums are failing to meet those standards quite spectacularly.

#news from the cupola #if you don't want to hear a lot of inane whining stop reading this post Here. #today once again I saw this particular sculpture entitled exactly that. it is the most unpleasant thing I have ever beheld. #it is relevant that it is a sculpture about the transamerica pyramid and not about Transgender things. but I do keep forgetting that. #so many errors were made in the construction of this fucking thing. I have seen it maybe thrice at this point and it has not grown on me #in the slightest. and I know that the conversation about Good Art and what makes Good Art is certainly fraught. #but by my lights whatever this is this isn't good art #maybe it's partially that this thing is displayed among some really wild examples of Just What Can Be Done With Clay #it's surrounded by hundreds of years' worth of technical mastery and it fails to be anything of note except bad to see! #clunky sculpting! ugly glazing! forms that are difficult to parse but also not very interesting once you do see them! #and why in the goddamn does it have the twitter logo sculpted all over it. what is Happening. #everything else by this artist in this exhibit is also not great in similar ways? #it's not even bad in a way that's interesting! it's just. not good! #it all feels like they're trying far too hard to make Art That Means Something and missing by a mile #also. no one calls the transamerica pyramid that. You Say The Whole Name. or you just point at it and say 'that one'

[theultracharmingladynoire]

I am just so tired of everything but I can't do anything about it

#I can change this situation if I work hard and sincerely....but I just.... can't? #I just feel more physically tired day by day and it feels like I am being lazy and not trying hard enough #But I just. Can't. #Like one surface level I do understand it's just that I am not in a really good place mentally but sometimes it just feels so...bad #I don't know. I have been feeling a lot of unpleasant feelings towards people I though I loved and cared about and it is really troubling m #And then there's this situation of me just not being good enough. And it's so frustrating #I just. There's this person who I have been really envying for a while. I felt very guilty to admit it but I don't know man. Especially whe #I can't bring myself to completely envy and dislike them out of pettiness....it just feels so Wrong And Bad #But I don't know....why do I feel like I can't do anything about this when I can if I try #Why can't I just try to change this. Change myself #I am surrounded by people who support me always....yet I can't do better and I can't do ENOUGH #It just.I don't know. On one hand I wish I was better because I do have a bit of an ego and I want to relish that feeling of winning #On the other hand....I want people who I love to be proud of me. #But I can't because I am too lazy for this can I #It's like I've hit this slump and I can't get out of it #I've tried so much to get out of it....everyone around me tells me not to let myself get too deep into whining and negative emotions and #give up...but man is it so fucking hard not to. It makes me loathe myself that #I feel like running away from my responsibilities when I don't even carry them out. I haven't done shit to feel like I need a break #I don't know I just really am dissatisfied and disappointed with my current self now. #N rambles

[pepprs]

discovered miah_pie on t*ktok (<- i don’t have one btw i just stumbled upon her bc someone i follow on ig talked abt her) and her videos make me want to cry so bad. 24 year old dependent moment

#purrs #i went to a clothing store today to try to get new work shoes and pants bc the one pair i have of each literally have holes in them and are #falling the fuck apart on my body and it was a HORRIBLE experience largely bc i think everybody in town was out shopping for back to school #so it was super crowded and there were lots of screaming kids and it was extremely stressful + my dad got into a mini car accident while i w #was in the store (he was / is completely fine thankfully but the car is not which is so awesome 😍😍😍😍😍) and i was just so stressed and #overstimulated but also like… nothing fits me bc im so short lol. but anyway it was so horrible i was on the verge of starting to cry in the #store and then i came home empty handed and my mom got super pissed at me for… needing to go to the store / being the reason we were out lol #and then finding miah pie and her videos are all about making trips to the store SO much fun and buying little treats and saying yessir and #OHHHHHH MYYYYY and just finding the joy in smth that can be so stressful and unpleasant… it makes me want to cry happy and sad tears at the #same time like i want that soooo bad and i can’t do it fully yet but i want it. need it. fuck my stupid baka life #anyways im gonna start saying the stuff she says just to make myself feel better even when im not at a store. yessir! OHHHHHH MYYYYYY. #acquired. don’t mind if i diddly dooooo! #also btw i am not a dependent except for the ways i am a dependent. hope that helps 🫶🏻 #the problem is really that i don’t have a car or a license and also that my mom throws a fit every time i need / want to get driving #practice bc it’s never a good time so. lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 me doing drivers ed this summer was a fucking joke i forget literally everything i #learned and have only been behind the wheel 3 times and none of them have actually counted bc im just developing basic motor skills #(literally). fmlllll im never getting out of here who am i kidding 🤪 #delete later

[futureghost97]

>:( see tags

#day 4 of having an illegally short break ♥️ #I hate my fucking job #I get a half hour break IF they don’t take it away today #coworker Becca has an hour and a half break #coworker Todd only works 4 hours total today which means he has 3.5 hours off #how on earth is this equitable #all at once I am dealing with: hormone imbalances & a miserably painful period & a cold & intense stress bc of my upcoming medical leave #oh and my short-term disability claim has yet to be processed (it’s been almost 3 weeks) sooooooo #no clue if I’m gonna be properly compensated while I’m out #even though I did everything right and stayed on top of everything #I feel like I’m drowning and all I wanna do is sleep but I have no more PTO so #12 days til my medical leave (including today): will I make it? #my stuff #all I want to be is happy #and I can feel this job making me a more miserable and unpleasant person with every passing day #I do not want a repeat of last year #but it feels like it’s inevitable 🙃

[camgoloud]

the unaffordability of one bedroom apartments in my area is something that can be so oppressive to me personally

#when i’m actively cooking something over a fire with earbuds in i’m not interested in having a five minute conversation with you. #when there’s visible food and grease all over the countertops that DOES in fact mean the kitchen should be cleaned soon yes even if we’ve #let it get worse than this before. if you want to send a text to the house group chat about pooling money to buy a new vacuum that’s great #and you can go ahead and do that without asking me while i’m busy exactly how you should phrase said text. if you use my knives you should #fucking PUT THEM BACK (three are now missing) and preferably without bits of food stuck on them though at this point i’m not even picky. #there are youtube videos about how to wash your dishes if you really can’t figure it out yourself it’s not the kind of thing you need to ask #your female housemate how to do. just. jesus CHRIST #my food is burned and i’m in a cranky mood and i can’t fucking take this anymore #my standards of cleanliness are clearly different from everyone else’s in this house which is just not a great situation to be in #god. anyway i’ve been feeling guilty because i’m finally starting to learn how to play the guitar so i’m going to be making a fair amount #of unpleasant noise in the house this year probably but tbh they can all just learn to live with it. #i am no longer feeling particularly interested in being considerate #caseyposting

[handweavers]

wish i were a movie or tv person mostly bc there are a lot of good movies and tv experiences i'd like to enjoy but can't, but also because like 95% of casual conversations with ppl irl is about tv and movies and i've never seen anything anyone is talking about and there is nothing more boring than listening to a discussion on a tv show you haven't seen and would have to spend 40+ hours sitting on the couch doing nothing but watching it to catch up. my personal adhd nightmare

#youtube i dont have to pay 100% attention to so i can do other stuff #tv/movies stress me out i have to pay attention and i cant multitask so i get so bored and end up not focusing bc i cant keep my hands busy #i either dont care at all whats going on so i dont watch it OR i care and its so stressful bc my empathy goes into overdrive #not in a heehee im an empath way but it in a fucked up uncomfortable way thats stressful and unpleasant #so i just avoid all of it but everyone else watches tv and movies and #if you knock out discussing tv and movies as a conversation topic it becomes extremely difficult to make friends irl #i do love reviews and having shows explained to me but thats different i feel

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[majikdog]

I miss Copia

#crying over meeting a fictional character again #but it was so scary and I did it I rlly did that #and I think he recognized that and was good to me #and I got to see my friend and make more friends #some other things happened that were unpleasant but overall it was so good and I want to go back #I’ve been sitting in my room alone for a week in quarantine and I’m just reflecting #and I was so scared I’d experience having any regrets during or after the ritual #but I still feel so good about it #feeling so lucky loved and seen and I have to get that out in the open somewhere so hi lol #but yeah uh thank you papa again for being so kind and gentle and making everything as warm as possible #and thank you Grace for being so awesome and patient with me #My Mummy Dust #Ghost #Vent #kinda #I just can’t believe I made it this far in life to say I actually had an opportunity like this #I’m rlly proud and I’m glad I can have something like this to be proud of #I wish I could go back in time and show younger me #she had no fucking clue how cool she would be now

[horce-divorce]

if you're lgbt (esp if you're trans) and you want to defend blood libel: the official video game of transphobes everywhere, and/or you think that the rest of us Mean Trannies are being "bad ambassadors" / "creating more transphobes" by merely expressing just how fed up we are rn?

first of all, NO ONE said you couldn't do that, babes. your choices say far more about your moral fiber than i ever could, and you're the one who has to live with that decision, NOT me. god fucking bless.

two, as much as you're allowed to play the game and say whatever you want about jkr? I am ALSO allowed to opine in a way you may find displeasing, and here's my latest Spicy Hot Fucking Take:

I did not stay in the closet for FIFTEEN YEARS to be told by OTHER TRANS PEOPLE that I might as well have just stayed there if my presence is gonna make CIS PPL uncomfortable.

THEY DIDN'T THROW BRICKS AT STONEWALL SO YOU COULD TELL ME IT MATTERS LESS FOR ME TO EXIST LOUDLY AND AUTHENTICALLY IN THIS WORLD THAN FOR A FUCKING VIDEO GAME TO BE ABLE TO.

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY FUCKING TED TALK.

🖕

#me #queer stuff #disclaimer: i dont think any of MY followers need to be told this #but i just had the most unpleasant interaction elsewhere online #frankly i DO try to be a 'good ambassador' bc of where i live IRL #there ARE no other out trans ppl here. i have no choice #on the fucking internet??? on the INTERNET??? I DONT HAVE TO DO JACK SHIT. my god #go lick some more fucking boots if this is how you feel honestly #bc like #me being forced to be a good ambassador here? #im doing that so no one else has to in the future. #you get what i'm saying??? #you dont act like a good ambassador to tell other trans ppl how to act #you do it to fucking protect them #because all we have in this life is each other. all we can do is have each other's backs #do not fucking come at me and start saying some shit #about how we need to Be Nice About the Transphobia Video Game Or Else We'll Make More Enemies #kiss my WHOLE TRANSGENDER ASSHOLE #anyway sorry i have largely tried to stay out of this and not talk about it much #but this fucking. outraged me lmao #it was on a post where another trans person was BEGGING for this to stop #bc all they wanted was to express their discomfort and dspleasure in good company #and one of the immediate responses was basically 'well youll catch more flies with honey. maybe think about that.' #nope!!!! NO. i will not.

[blujayonthewing]

the problem with Elyss feeling everything so much all the time but being really bad at introspection and actually understanding and articulating those feelings is that there is stuff inside of her that I need other people to hear, but it’s hard for me to imagine her being literally remotely capable of, say, confronting her birth father with what, exactly, it is she feels about him

#Elyss already says a lot of things that make me feel weird because I can feel the stretch of it #she talks a lot more about her feelings than she should because *I* want to explain them #but even stretching what feels actually in character for her I still feel hard pressed to justify a few specific impassioned speeches #but her genie father who had apparently been surveilling her entire life and documenting it from a (really long) distance #wrote a forward in that book about how Elyss was his favorite of his children but 'she never seemed to seek me out' #how dare you! how dare you fling my mother across the world to bear me and raise me alone! #how dare you watch my life in silence from another fucking continent without making yourself known and say I never sought you! #I was a CHILD and I was so so alone-- where were you? #I threw myself- unprepared and ignorant- into the wilderness DESPERATELY hoping for answers to who and what I am-- where were you? #I didn't know you EXISTED-- where should I have sought you?? how DARE you? #... actually I think what I almost want more is for her to be able to explain this to the party but that almost seems harder #but anyway it's all a moot point because all Elyss knows is that thinking about her father fills her with deep anger #and a confused rush of other unpleasant feelings (she's having a hard time even identifying them but among them are sorrow and grief) #she feels that she hates him. she's not incapable of picking apart why but it's A Process for her and she hasn't had time #is she even introspective/ self aware enough to call it resentment...? #about me #my OCs #elyss

[featherymainffins]

One thing about me is I don't understand why people say that you should never try even one cigarette because they all got addicted after one. I had the worst fucking nightmare experience with my first cigarette you couldn't pay me to smoke one of these again.

#like my friend always offers everyone cigarettes and i had always declined but one time i decided to try it because i was #feeling suicidal and went 'you know what yeah whatever. maybe this will fix me' so i accepted. and it was absolutely fucking horrible #like i felt the strongest most intense sense of impending doom I've ever felt in my life and I've had quite a lot of panic attacks #and i felt like there was danger everywhere and i needed to run away immediately. i also felt very unpleasant tension in my body #like physically not psychically. i had to start grinding my teeth hard as fuck and flexing all my muscles to at least prevent #myself from actually running around the block. Which i didn't want to do because it would have been weird and also it was 3 am #but yeah 0/10 stars sucked about as much as eating boiled and dried fly agaric. #actually this sucked more because while i technically had this cigarette for free you do pay for cigarettes. whereas if you want fly agaric #you just visit the woods. and you can sell fly agaric. probably. and it's tasty. #which reminds me that if i boil the dried ones i have again and then one more time and then dry them again they should actually #be a better experience. i mean. not for me because the 'desired' effects are literally just me when I'm dissociating. #but like if someone else wanted to try it wouldn't make them nauseous anymore. which is good. #if you boil it just once and dry you will get nauseous. but the book i have didn't state that if you boil them several times over #it shouldn't happen anymore. it treated the nausea as an inevitability.

[marsuni]

can someone can twist my arm behind my back until i sit down and eat an actual, full, nutritionally sound meal to completion

#ive had such a hard time eating lately and ive been getting sick again but eating is so unpleasant and difficult #and sometimes helps sometimes just makes me feel sicker but i know not eating makes it worse #and i know the more i put off eating the sicker ill feel and the more trying to eat will maje it worse but i !!!! cant !!!!!!! #i either forget bc my appetite doesnt exist or i feel so sick it takes me hours of barley sipping to finish a cup of broth #and even than sometimes i just get sick!!!! and start puking!! even when im good and when i eat and do everything im supposed to !!!! #ill just wake up and immediately have to hug a toilet until a) it stops long enough that i can keeps my meds down #b) i cant stop puking and i have to go to the fucking hospital to get an IV of anti neasua stuff so i can take my seizure meds #and than i end up there for days longer than i need to bc they ALWAYS find something secondary wrong with me to milk my medicade #sorry rant over for now im so tired of being sick all the time i cant even remember a time i wasnt at least a 2 on a 0-10 neasua scale #and thats a good day tbh #i fucking puke almost once a day and just the fact that it even stops is a massive improvement from last year #but god i just want one day where im not scared im gonna randomly start barfing like someone fed me epicat sryup #or how ever you spell the emergency vomiting drink stuff u know