#but im worried she felt like we were judging the mess idk

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

abt the historia and zeke are technically related, it got me thinking. We get a lot of yeager bros content and im sure there’s content of frieda being hostoria’s older sister but... where’s the content of zeke being a protective big bro to historia? Feel like they can bond well since they both got dick dads

historia taking the first few steps to breaking away from the nice, submissive type everyone knows her to be. she’s not perfect and there would be times that she’d doubt herself and go back to being insecure and playing herself down. in comes zeke who met her through his mother’s side of the family and is all for that personal growth. he relates to her wanting to stick it to her father, having gone through something like that in the past. he says stuff like, “like hell they can get away talking to you like that, tell me who they are and ill give them a piece of my mind.” and “your dad can go fuck himself, you can stay with me and mom if you need somehwere to stay. mom doesnt like rod either so you’re more than welcome.”

idk idk hahah :p

...i hope you don't mind me just wirting some headcannons and scenrios real quick, because wow anon you just opened my third eye for all this potential.

Historia and Zeke family bonding modern au below cut

They probably met for the first time at large family gathering when Dina took teen Zeke to meet his relatives and one of his uncles mentioned that his daughter from his ex-wife just started living with him after moving from the country side.

He was 17 at the time, and so while the adults were busy with each other as the topic of his mother's divorce came up again, he felt too uncomfortable to stay in the room so he just excused himself to the bathroom.

Only to sneak outside the house instead, knowing all the rooms in his uncle's big mansion were probably filled with maids or other relatives and he didn't want to risk getting caught.

The back garden was beautiful, the grass overgrown and not as bright as the front yard fake lawn, it was clearly an overlooked part of the house that the gardener seemed to forget from dried crunchy leaves collecting at the bottom of the old tree.

Zeke took a breath of fresh air, before reaching into the hidden pocket of his jacket and pulling a cigarette.

He knew if his mother found out she'd kill him, not to mention his concerned grandparents, but what they don't know can't harm them.

Getting out his lighter, he was too focused on covering the flame so the wind won't snuff it out before lighting the cigarette

"You shouldn't do that, it's not good for you." Came a high pitched voice that took him off guard, almost making him drop the lighter and cause a fire hazard.

Looking in front of him, a seven year old girl stood with messy blonde hair with some leaves stuck to it, she was clutching a patch of dandelions and weeds pulled from the ground.

Putting the lighter back in his pocket, Zeke took a deep breath before slowly letting the smoke out, pushing what she said aside, he said "And what exactly are you doing with those?"

She gave a big toothy smile before explaining how she's cleaning the garden, she said "they keep stealing the other plants' food, most plants here are dead and i wanted to help."

Zeke stepped closer before leaning down to be on eye level with her, judging by the dirt staining her white dress and between her fingernails, she must have been doing this for a while. He chuckled at the way she crunched her nose at the smell of smoke, before attempting to mask her features.

Wanting to mess with her, he held the cigarette with two fingers before offering it to her, "wanna try? i won't tell your parents, pinky promise."

Audibly gasping, she clutched the dandelions to her chest protectively before stumbling to politely reject it in a way that was clearly meant not to offend him, her eyes glancing at the garden fence door like she's considering running.

Deciding to end the joke before she would yell stranger danger, Zeke put out the cigarette with an amused smile before offering his empty hand to her.

"I'm sorry for the awful joke, please don't tell my mom, will you forgive me? Pretty please?" Putting on his best pout, Zeke almost couldn't hold back chuckling when the kid in front of him seemed actually moved by his act.

She reluctantly took his hand, tangling their pinkies together before nodding, with the most serious expression she said "okay...i won't, but you have to stop okay! My dad does it and he coughs a lot."

"Your dad huh..." Zeke stared into her eyes, "so you must be Historia."

"Mhm! Do you know my dad? He said some people will be visiting today and i should stay somewhere they can't see..."

"Hmm, well Historia " standing up, Zeke pushed his glasses back, "I'm Zeke, what do you say we become friends?"

Looking up at the tall boy with stars in her eyes, Historia enthusiastically noded, too happy to dwell on the fact that her first ever friend had offered her a smoke some minutes ago.

"That's the spirit, now" taking off his jacket, Zeke folded it before putting it aside on the fence, "what do you say we finish pulling these weeds so i can teach you a really fun game called catch."

That day, Zeke dragged dirt and mud into his mother's new car with his now ruined suit, Dina was too busy scolding him that she forgot the fact he never came back from the bathroom after leaving the room.

And after that, each year at Christmas and family gatherings, Zeke and Historia would see each other for a single day.

He slowly saw her confidence grow more and more, each time she held her head a little higher, smile more genuine than the fake polite one.

At age 15, She told him about her first girlfriend, he bought her alcohol with His ID and of course she was quick to refuse it and scold him, Zeke started worrying she's starting to resemble his mother more and more.

At 16, when her father found out and threatened to kick her out, Zeke was the person she first called even before Ymir, not wanting to worry her.

To his surprise was the fact she didn't shed a single tear as she packed her bags before getting in his car, not giving a single glance to her father staring with a horrified expression from the front gate.

No, she smiled instead as both of them went to grab some food.

He asked if she knows where she's staying, she said she knows some friends but still haven't asked anyone yet.

After arriving at his grandparents house, Dina was the first to pull her into a hug before saying how sorry she is and how she just ended a call with Riess after giving him a piece of his mind.

Zeke, knowing very well how his mother is like when she's angry, he smiled knowing the guy now definitely has a headache from all the yelling, his mother has great lungs after all.

Zeke was almost 26 at the time, and so he offered her his old room while he's away in college.

They definitely grew closer after that, although Zeke never mentioned a word to his friends neither did Historia tell anyone beside Ymir.

They just never mentioned their personal life while hanging out on the days Zeke came to visit from college.

His grandparents adored her and treated her like their granddaughter after his mother moved to another country, they even met Ymir a couple times.

Zeke never talked with Ymir but he met her on the times Historia brought her over at christmas, his grandparents were quick to praise her for landing such a beautiful girlfriend before side eyeing Zeke and asking if he will ever give bring someone home.

Zeke was there for her to see her actual sad side that she hid from everyone, both of them bonded over the burden they hold on their shoulders for having to be the "perfect reliable" person all the time.

She rarely cried, but whenever she did it was either with Zeke or Ymir.

While Zeke would vent to her about Grisha and how much the fear of turning like him is what prevents him from being in a commited relationship, while Historia listens to him before sharing her own experience with both her dad and mother and how both of them just abandoned her.

After that they just go out to get ice cream.

Fun fact, Historia can handle spicey food and like it's nothing, meanwhile Zeke will choke if he even smelled peppers.

At age 20, Historia moved with Ymir in an apartment after high school and Zeke moved back home to a house near his grandparents after finishing college and opening his own clinc.

She still sends them cards each Christmas and even visits at times, Zeke picks up each time she calls no matter what he's currently doing.

#talking🕯 #Zeke🕯 #Historia🕯 #not a ship #they're more liking sibblings

[boomerang109]

hi!! (god i hope the way i type doesnt rat me out skddk jesus at this point it might who even know i feel like its distinct but maybe thats just me idk) but!!! time to just Rant abt twwda, *sighs in the best way possible* ****this***** fic. man. the Very first thing it helped me (that was memorable to me) honestly was the whole acne thing where toph was like are you good looking and zuko’s like ‘well i have a scar and acne’ and toph’s like ‘acne’s a normal thing’ my hesrt just idk why but whenever i have a Bad day abt myself (or the parents are on my back abt it skdhdj i Hate that but thats Not what this rant is abt) im just like ‘its a normal thing’ and!!!! i got that from **your** fic!!! genuinely you Cannot understand how close twwda is to me as a person bc

the whole test anxiety? and zuko not telling his teachers he has trouble hearing? in the fifth grade i needed glasses Bad but i never told Anyone bc i felt Bad (still hold strong to this habit 😃) but God i just- i just *relate* and Finally.

the enby aang. ive been able yk even tell my irl ant me possibly being she/they (maybe even they/them) solely bc of your fic (i even told her that it was thanks to your fic and explained everything abt the whole enby aang!!!) ill seperate this mess into paragraphs skdhdk but!! please just know how Much you helped me

OH SHIT FUCK the whole a flower in shade can also grow in the sun. that Hit bc its like ‘you dont Need to suffer just bc you can survive in that condition, you deserve the basic necessities too’ and honestly when i read that i just sat there stunned like wow. so?? true??? i honestly just love you and your fic (okay bye sorry skdbdksk !!!!!)

thats my four paragraph essay for you boom <3

okay anon, it’s nearly 2:30 am (probably will be by the time i finish typing) so if im a bit incoherent i apologize. i just know im going to be busy tmrw and i didn’t want this to sit in my inbox (sorry to everybody else who didn’t get responses whoops)

(honestly idk who you are and i hope you feel comfy telling me at some point, but it’s okay if not!) (i do have a few guesses but i keep changing my mind so basically im clueless ahdhdjsks) (actually right after i typed that i noticed something that’s unique—i think—to you. the person i’m thinking of is absolutely lovely, but i’m not going to start guessing or anything cause if you don’t feel comfy having any identity connected to this, that’s okay! that’s what anon is for!! just do what makes you most comfy)

i love that the acne line resonated with you? i think you’re the second person to mention this and i 🥰! it’s such a throw away line but i always hate in fics when people make them high school age and then are like “except for his scar, zuko’s skin was smooth” or whatever the fuck. like no!!! high schoolers have acne!!! and obviously zuko is embarrassed of it, but sokka is just like dude. we all have it, im good looking and ive got acne so just don’t even worry. and that’s the energy im sending you (and your parents cause they better not be on your back about acne that’s dumb af) cause no one is judging your acne (they’re too busy worrying about their own) AND even if they were, that makes them a shitty person whose opinion doesn’t matter. you’re beautiful with acne

i want you to work on asking for help, like mx mak said, it’s not a limited resource! and often teachers/adults are happy to help you. (and often it’s their job/the law that they have to). but also? i wrote zuko missing shit in class being like “oh this is unrealistic if someone was missing what was being said in class they’d get notes from someone” and then i took a class where the prof spoke way too fast and my audio processing said NOPE and there would be days where my notes would just be question marks like zuko and i didn’t ask anyone for help. (i did start recording class which is literally illegal without permission but shhh it’s fine)

i’m so glad i was able to help you and please know i’m here to help in whatever capacity i can outside the fic as well. it’s kind of a joke that being trans is contagious but actually being able to hear about other people’s experiences is So Important. cause six months ago i could’ve confidently told you i was a cis girl and had been sure of that my whole life. but then i finally admitted to myself that my “thinking they/them pronouns were the coolest thing ever and kind of being jealous” thing was not very cis of me. and yeah, everyone’s experience is individual. but we can at least share our thoughts and what we learn to help each other. cause i wanna support you

you deserve MORE THAN basic necessities. you deserve so much more, but the necessities are a good place to start. treat yo self.

please don’t apologize!!! i appreciate this sm, i love you and your four paragraph essay <3

#ask a boomerang #wwda #anon being able to help you in any way with the shit show that is gender makes me 😌 #being able to provide support people in hard experiences literally is why i want to write i just never imagined i’d be able to achieve that #with fic so im very very truly 🥰🥰🥰

[denki-kaminari-anon]

hey my precious little lovebug 🥺 idk when you’re gonna see this cuz im assuming you’re sleeping right now as im typing this but i just needed to get this off my chest again cuz my night got worse lol

i thought i was gonna be allowed to get pink box braids as my birthday is coming soon but my parents said “no❤️” cuz they think it’s ✨ugly✨ literally when i asked my dad why i couldn’t get them, he said “because i said so❤️” lmao it isn’t really a big deal or anything, I’ll just wait until I’m older to get them just to make em mad <3 so ya girl MIIIGHT go honey blonde? idfk sjdk

my mom got this email from school saying we have to send in pics for the yearbook or sumn and for ideas, it said people could pose with creations they made, books they read, sports they play, etc. my mom used this as an opportunity to remind me of how lazy, selfish, and unproductive i am considering art which just made me feel like shit cuz she’s right but it’s just so fucking hard. like even getting out of bed is a struggle for me and it’s been tough but obviously she doesn’t know cuz I don’t tell her 💀 these past 2 days, I’ve literally just started to be more productive and I thought i was doing good but I guess not :) :) :)

on top of that, i was trying 3 different pairs of sweatpants i got around last year and only one fit cuz the other 2 were too tight and it genuinely hurt my body. she comes upstairs and walks in on me with the pants that fit and we start arguing cuz she said I have to wear all 3 cuz they’re hella expensive or sumn,,, but ma’am I’m not wearing shit that don’t fit me i-😀 so yeah she made me try the other two and I felt legitimate pain and she fucking laughed at me the minute i told her they’re too tight 😃😃😄😃😃😃😃😃😄 we-😀😀😀😀😀

lmao im literally fucking crying as I’m typing this. If there’s one thing I hate, is probably getting laughed, mainly and especially by my parents. It fucking hurts and it just triggers me in so many ways that I can’t even explain. So yeah I feel like fucking shit. I know I shouldn’t apologize for ranting again because i do trust you enough to talk about this stuff but then again im airing out my shit for everyone to see and also probably laugh and judge me so that’s great,,,, but it helps me cope so I don’t really care. okay this essay is done now i swear sjdnwk,,, i love you 💕

~🧁

Hi princess 🥺

So, I looked up pink box braids, I think they look absolutely amazing!! I’m sorry your parents won’t let you get them, but I’m sure when you do, you’re gonna look absolutely gorgeous! Of course, honey blonde sounds super cute too! 🥺🥺🥺

I’m proud of you for being more productive these last two days, and it really sucks that your mom doesn’t see it :( It also really sucks that getting out of bed is a struggle right now, but I am so so so proud of you for doing it every morning, cutie! And I promise that I’ll be here for you every morning, too 🥺

I’m really upset that your mom laughed at you, that’s messed up :( so they didn’t fit? Who cares if they were expensive. Just find something else to do with them. I’m sorry you had to go through that princess, I’m hoping I can cheer you up a bit today? Maybe I could just hold you in my arms, listen to you talk about your day, and promise that I’ll always be here, and that I’ll always love you?

And maybe I could use my amazing humor as well ksksksksk

It makes sense to be triggered by that, and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself at all! I wish I could kiss away your tears. And don’t worry, I’m sure no ones laughing or judging you! And I’m really glad this helps you cope 🥺 I love you too, princess 💞💞

#🧁 anon

[buffyromanoff]

A Month Without You

Warnings: Kind of angsty, kind of fluffy

Requests: ▪Hi! Idk if ur still taking requests (sorry if I’m too late) but would u be willing to do a nat x fem reader fic where they live together and had a fight and aren’t really speaking but nat finds out the reader is sick with a cold and decides to take care of her and forget the fight?

▪Hi! can i request fighting + making up with nat?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You knew what you did was wrong, but apologizing to your girlfriend just wasn't enough this time. You and Nat always had small insignificant fights that you both forgot minutes after they ended, but when you decided to go on a mission that was so secretive that you couldn't even tell your girlfriend about, she wouldnt just forget about it in a few minutes.

Natasha had been crazy worried about you. She spend the entire month asking Fury if he knew anything about you and he obviously did, but he couldn't risk telling her anything without jeopardizing the whole thing so he acted like he didn't know anything at all.

Nat wasn't talking to anyone, not even to Bruce, Steve or Tony. She couldn't sleep for the entire month you were gone, thinking that you may have been taken away. She even escaped an Avengers mission to go look for you in Russia, interrogating some grudged old enemies and risking her own life to find you. But it was worthless. You were untraceable, and she would have been proud of your amazing spy abilities if you weren't using them with her.

You returned to your shared apartment around 3am. You opened the door without making any sound and headed to the bedroom to find an empty.

‘‘you better have a fucking great explanation’’.

You turned around to see your girlfriend. Her face was extremely serious and also angry but her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying.

You walked towards her to wrap her in a tight hug but she walked away, leaving you hanging with both your arms open.

‘’It was a secret mission Nat, i was specifically told not to tell anyone about it, not even you’’. You were trying to explain your sudden disappearance.

‘’i thought you were dead, y/n. Do you know how terrifying was to live my life knowing you could be in mortal danger?’’. Her eyes started to water up and you tried to hold her hand but she hid them inside her pockets.

It hurted so much to see Nat like this. And the pain got even worse when you realized that the reason she was like that was because of you.

The talking turned to screaming and then crying. Deep inside, Nat knew that you had to do what you done, it's the nasty part of the job and sometimes the mission requires that kind of commitment.

‘’I've been alone for over a month, one more night isn't going to hurt more’’. Natasha grabbed her keys and slammed your apartment's door shut.

You were a mess, and not only emotionally. Your mission required you to be working under freezing temperatures and lack of sleep, not to mention being constantly stressed out so now that you were home and safe, your adrenaline dropped and all the symptoms started to manifest.

You wanted to run after her but your head was so heavy and you were exhausted so you decided to go directly to bed.

You opened your eyes the morning after but you couldn't get up. Your head felt like it was breaking in half your throat was like sandpaper.

Hours later, your bedroom was covered with used tissue and Nat was nowhere to be seen. You texted her but got no answer.

You slept the entire day and your symptoms were not going away.

Suddenly, you heard the front door opening.

‘’Nat? Is that you? ‘’. Your voice sounded raspy and stuffy.

She didn't answer and you heard the door opening and shutting again. She left, again.

You were a weeping mess. But then, the door opened again.

Natasha walked into your bedroom with a bag full of medicine and vegetables.

She placed her hand on your forehead. ‘’you're burning up’’. She pulled up the blankets to make sure you were warm enough.

Nat started to pick up all of the used tissues and came back from the kitchen with a glass of water and an ibuprofen.

‘’here, take this’’. Her tone was still cold and serious.

‘’Nat im so-’’.

‘’don't talk, just take this, you’ll feel better’’. She interrupted and you obeyed her. Minutes later you fell asleep.

You felt the mattress sink a bit on your side and when you opened your eyes, Natasha was there. She was sitting next to you holding a hot cup of tea she just made.

She handed it to you and you thanked her.

“y/n i'm sorry i left like that, i wasn't thinking straight and i was angry at you, and also at myself for not being able to find you and i just-”.She sighed. ”i was worried about you”.

“You don't have to apologize Nat, i'm the one who messed up, i should have sent you some secret message or something for you to-”. Your sentence was interrupted by a sneeze.

Nat stretched her arm and grabbed more tissue paper for you to clean your nose and gave you one of those soft smiles.

“You didn't do anything wrong, we both know what comes with this kind of job and sometimes when the mission is too urgent, there's no time for explanations, we know that”.

A tear streamed down your cheeks as you sipped the tea and Nat wiped them off.

“I missed you so much Nat”. You threw yourself on her with the little strength you had and gave her a hug. She held you tightly rubbing soft circles on your back. “i missed you too honey, so much”. She was crying. “And judging by your condition,you're not going anywhere for at least a week”. You both laughed. “And i'm going to stay here taking care of you until you're better”.

“But what about your job?”.You asked and then blew your nose.

“Oh don't worry, Fury owes me a big one after keeping you away from me for that long”.

Nat started moving her lips against yours. “I love you so much y/n , i would do anything for you, did you know that?”. You answered her by kissing her harder until you realized something”.

“Wait, i don't want you to get sick too”.

“When was the last time i got sick?”. She kissed you again and then you remembered that she has been enhanced by biotechnology, making her immune to diseases and stuff.

Nat ended up snuggled against you in bed, her fingers softly caressing your face until you fell back to sleep once again.

Hours later you woke up alone in bed, your now less stuffy nose could identify the delicious smell that came from your kitchen.

You stood up for the first time since she got here and followed the scent.

“Go back the bed baby, i'll bring you the soup, alright?”.

You walked towards her and hugged her from behind, resting your head on her back.

“but you're here! I'm going to miss you”.

“says the person who disappeared for over a month without even saying goodbye”. She teased.

“I said i was sorry!”.You pulled her even closer and she turned around to kiss you.

“I know, now go back to bed and i’ll meet you there in five minutes”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I combined those request since they were similar, i hope its ok. Let me know if you liked it :)

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x fem!reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff imagine #natalia alianovna romanova #black widow #black widow x reader #black widow x fem!reader #natasha romanoff angst #natasha romanoff fluff #scarlett johansson #marvel imagine #black widow imagine #request #natasha romanoff fanfic #black widow fanfic #natasha romanoff x fem #mcu ladies

[survivormanhattanbeach]

Episode 3: “She hates girls”- Dani

I AM PISSED. I AM SO MAD AT BRANDAN RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE HECK. I WAS TOTALLY TRANSPARENT WITH HIM. HONESTLY??? I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUtT FLIPPING WITH HIM AND JULIAN IFFFFF THEY WOULD HAVE ASKED ME. AND JULIAN?? I TOLD HIM I HEARD HIS NAME, I TOLD HIM. WHY IS HE ATTACKING ME FOR BEING HONEST??? I'm so glad I have Lucy and Andreas but Brandan better waTCH OUT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT HONEST WITH HIM. WHAT THE HECK i'm sorry, i'm just so MAD right now

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO all my alliance members are on different tribes, I am so sad. ALso I'm with Brandan. -___________- I don't know who else is even on my tribe. I like Kevin and the others are all okay but UGH WHY BRANDAN WHEN I AM SO IRRITATED WITH HIM STILL?? bring me back lucy and andreas :( 

Okay so yay for a tribe swap but uhm it's kinda homophobic that not only am I not on a tribe with Dani or Ryan, but that I can't even speak to them now!! I'm still drinking with Dani on Saturday though so suck it hosts. This tribe is alright, like I said not my favorite set up but I don't feel completely screwed. I'm with Joey which is good because he's loyal to me, but people are going to assume we're working together since he picked me, also he isn't good at talking to new people so idk if that's gonna end up bad for us lolol. But yay for being on a tribe with Sarah! Idk she's iconic and I'd like to work with her. I talked to Andreas for a bit and he was nice, I'd hope we could work together. I started talking to Junior again before the swap so I don't feel completely off on him. Billy is the only one I've barely talked to, but he was on Sarah's old tribe so I think they're gonna stick together??? I just hope that we can win some challenges so that I don't have to worry.

when trace and johnny give you lemons.... (ie- brandan) you make lemonade. I am currently kissing brandan's ASS right now. i told him that if he and julian asked me to flip i would have and all kinds of other lies just because i don't need any drama with him on this tribe going forward, I NEED numbers so whatever i'm going to be his new best friend and pretend to forget about tribal but I'm still PISSED. 

This tribe swap is fucking disgusting. Why do i have to be on a tribe with junior. Im just glad jake is here and maybe him, billy and i can work together and grab someone else to work with us if we go to tribal 

Okay so last night I was on call with Joey and he was like "someone told me you wanted to vote me out round 1" and I was like yeah it's true but you didn't have to say it. And big surprise it was Keaton that told him this. So now it's a new day and lo and behold I'm on a tribe with Keaton's snake ass and as much as I don't trust him I have to play nice because the boy knows WAY too much about my game and my personal life for me to risk crossing him so basically I just go from one migraine to another bouncing between my exes. If I get swap fucked I will be showing up in Johnny's PMs with virtual pitchforks. xoxo Madison

https://youtu.be/5oLRQqS00UU

VL Confessional Cause you tried to play both sides You got caught up in your lies And now you're runnin' You're runnin' out of time Try again, cause the game is over https://imgflip.com/gif/2vicz3

Wtf! Why did we switch tribes right as I felt so good????? Now I’m in a tribe where I feel like I can’t connect to anyone except dan and sometimes Tom. I made an alliance with Tom, Madison, and Dan. I’m trying to ensure our safety Incase we do go to tribal. Keaton came to me and said he wants to target Madison and honestly I’m really down for that. So I think I can use this as an advantage. I can either tell Madison Keaton is after him and we get him. Or I can team up with Keaton and Lucy and get one other person to flip and we get Madison. Tbh only down for Madison because she doesn’t seem to like me at all. I’ve also heard she hates girls. Which is a little obvious :p. I hate that. GIRLS GOTTA PROTECT GIRLS. But nooooo she loves attention. Ok ranting done.

VL CONFESSIONAL I feel like Jake is my #1, but Dani is visiting him today(lucky girl.) I feel like I would do a disservice to a majority of straight men in this game if I didn’t hum the intro to “Ether” at least once. Also, fuck Jay-Z.

Heya, time for a little update! As of now, I am getting a little frustrated with my tribe (love Jake though). But before I get carried away, let's see how well we do in the immunity challenge. I am not sold on the song choice, but I appreciate that a few people give active input. I'll do my part as best as I can and hope that it'll be enough for at least 2nd place... Should we lose, I'll try to get a solid group with Jake and Junior, and add a player, who one of the other three wanna vote for. At this point, none of Joey, Sarah or Billy play a major role for my future plans in this game. Billy could become a close ally as he seems to be very underrated in this game. Sarah could become a close ally because she's a cool cat. Joey idk about. We're not bonding that well rn. 

I have no faith in my tribe at all I somehow feel like this video is about to be 3 minutes of just me and a cameo of mark and his adorable kids x_x Time to make my cousins make some videos with me so I have a lot to edit in because I SURE can’t rap in time with this song 

Okay Isaac is sending weird clips of himself from challenges I’m not sure if that will cut it but I’ll take whatever I can edit together at this point DJSJS

Me seeing the other videos and prepping to go to tribal... also a picture of Tom booty poppin should be on the dvd cover

VL CONFESSIONAL THANK YOU JUDGESSSSSSSSSS! YOU GUYS ROCK! JESS LET ME BUY YOU A BUNCH OF TIM HORTONS. Alyssa, fried chicken at Red Rooster on me when I visit😃?

I know I haven’t been around much. But I hate this swap. I hate this tribe. I know NO ONE who I feel will be willing to keep me safe with them. So I actually have to work hard to talk to people. Music videos are not my forte. But I have to contribute because if we lose then I’ll be someone on the chopping block for sure. And I can’t have that. I’m just hopping we can slam challenges and then we can make it to the next swap. But I hope Sarah and Jake stay close with me. I really like them both. Jake is really cool to talk to and he’s not bad to look at either. Sarah is my soul sister. Then there’s Joey, who has this plan to get rid of Andreas and honestly I’m kinda ok with it. Anyone but me is how I’m feeling. I just gonna find somewhere to sink my teeth into this game and take a bite. I don’t want to be a background day player with no story line and shitty gameplay.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=zfISjcq23KU

Okay so I think I'm gonna go for Billy this round. I didn't want to lose because I think I have good connections with everyone on our tribe, but someone's gotta go. Billy makes me worried now because he said in our tribe chat that Tom told him we lost, so bitch you cross tribaling??? Andreas and Junior both told me they like me and each other so I think they're trying to form a group of 3 there? Sarah also said she liked me and Billy and I like Sarah but it might be hard trying to get her to vote Billy out. Joey originally said he wanted Andreas out and that he likes Billy, but Billy told me and Junior that Joey was spreading Andreas name, so I let Joey know that Billy's doing that, and I think Joey trusts him less now. We'll see what happens. I just don't my name going around like last time. I just need another tribe swap ASAP.

So now were going to tribal bc johnny announced the results wrong. Johnny is a pissy player and cant stand when other hosts mess up but wants us to understand when he does..hm TEA Anyways ill see what i can do to make sure I do not go home. I think i have junior, and jake and billy but we shall see

Literally fuck off. HOW IS IT FAIR THAT THE HOSTS fucked up and they wont give us an extension??? INTERESTING????????? Why does one tribe get over a day and we get less than 12 hours..lol ok what ever maybe get your fucking shit together before fucking over ppls games 

Well look at it, we lost again. Great! Just great! And people seem to be thrilled to go to Tribal Council! They're so excited that they throw the challenges! So me being a straight shooter, I immediately target Billy, who has slacked the most on this new tribe and would be a fair call (on paper). But it's only natural that people have their own agenda and I am being targeted by Joey and Billy at least. Sure, Joey might still be up in the air, but either way, I NEED to believe in Jake and Junior here to vote for for Billy, or I am toast. And if Billy doesn't step up next round, so are Jake and Junior. I have nothing against Billy, but this season we don't really get along too well. We had a fun chat today, but it felt like it was too little to late for me in this season. Let's see what happens in this mess of a round :D Love Johnny though, I don't blame him. I really wanna stay and fight for all the people on my tribe to stay in this game!

Ok, so as per usual in premerge, my fate rests within other peoples hands. That's just how I play and that's totally okay with me. The scenarios I can see are: 4-2 Billy/Me (which is what's being sold to me sort of with Billy and Sarah voting for me) 4-2 Me/Billy (if Jake sticks to Joey and they decide to ride the tide and vote out Billy over Junior if they lose another TC) 5-1 Me/Billy (if they all wanna be safe lmao, but Junior seems really sincere, so I doubt this happens!) I can't scramble too hard at this vote, because I really feel that Jake wants to keep me around and me reaching out to others will make me appear like a bigger name to write down. I 50:50 Hate/Love each tribe I'm on and I hate that I am such a sulky old man in this season, but that's just a new facette of good old me.

https://youtu.be/i6ZY0hrvDaM

I am SO glad that we won! the judges were HARSH, huh? But it's okay, we still won! I really hope that andreas is going to be okay tonight, I'm just a little worried but I think maybe Billy will be the one to go?? Maybe. 

I fucking wrote out a long ass confessional and then it refreshed and I wanna die, so here are the highlights: I love how Johnny has progressed enough in life to recruit 5 iconic female judges in the name of feminism, but has not progressed enough to perform basic arithmetic I want the f5 to be original Robinsons and I trust them as follows: Mark > Dani = Ryan > Junior I want a f3 with Mark and Junior because Dani is a big social threat and I would always vote for a woman over a man because fuck men, and it’s like the laws of feminism I’m really happy I haven’t had to go to tribal yet, let’s keep it moving and NO DOUBLE OR TRIPLE TRIBALS PLSSSS

It looks like this is a wrap y’all. Unless sarah actually pulled some miracle out of her ass and convinced them all to vote Andreas then it’s time to blow my flame out. I’ve been on the outs ever since I was picked last. So I guess this shouldn’t be a surprise. 

#tsmanhattanbeach

[wannabeskinnybitchlegend-blog]

so i never really considered myself mentally unstable. but these past two years were rough. 10.30.17 i started depression medication. i didnt realize how bad my thoughts were.. it was just normal to me. but ig wanting to kill yourself for every inconvenience or struggle minor or not isnt something everyone feels lol. i denied referring to my feelings as depression for a while. it seemed so idk. i have bad anxiety too, but then again everyone worries right? about their girlfriend being in an accident every time she drives, needing her to text any time she got to her destination. reflecting back on how they walk whether its in front of a class or crossing a street, thinking how stupid they mustve looked the whole time. and then again throughout the day. not wanting to carry food around or eat in front of people fearing theyd judge. constantly fixing their outfit because they feel like it has to be a certain way. or rewriting notes because they messed up crossing a single t. yea..anyways after a few months on the medication i had a mental breakdown.. its not like i planned it prior. i mean in a way i did. ive thought of various scenarios of how id do it. when id do it. but i didnt have a specific plan or intend to when i woke up that morning. i honestly dont remember exactly what happened but i have bits in my memory and everyones version of their experience. 12.5.17 i swallowed two bottles of pills, drank some vodka, took an edible, and said my goodbyes. it was the first time in a long while i had felt any sense of happiness and relief from my stress. i was convinced by my girlfriend to tell my dad what i did. i went to him crying trying to explain but i couldnt form any words i was too intoxicated. he pushed me off and told me to go to bed. he explained he didnt take me seriously and thought i was playing around when we talked about it later. she then called my mom and sister telling them what i did and i was rushed to the hospital. my mom stopped somewhere along the way she couldnt drive she was so shocked. so they called 911. i always feel so guilty thinking back on it because it costs so much for an ambulance along with medical care. they strapped me in. i stayed overnight and was cleared to go home at 5am after being evaluated. the following night i attempted again. i took all the pills i could find and tried slitting my wrists. i was too weak to cut deep enough. again, my girlfriend told my family and my siblings came in. i didnt allow my mom to come in to my room because i felt like she kept defending my dad over the misunderstanding the night before. shes not that great with blood either so she stayed in her room. my girlfriend and her mom rushed over to bring me to the hospital. i dont really remember how i got so lucky or how she came but it felt like a dream. they bandaged my wrists and carried me to the car. they said i was kicking and screaming but i dont remember that. --- im done for now about this..im gonna go to a bad place talking about those nights and stuff if im in a bad place already.. my mom just came home and gave me shit cuz i said i didnt want anything from this place but she got some for me anyways and i went to take it and got yelled at.. great. i thought i wanted to eat but now i just hate myself for almost giving in..

[artmusicjoy]

i just want to scream into an abyss

but i also want hang out with friends

but everyone is an ocean away (even though I’m meeting new people but haven’t reached out to them because I don’t know how to nor do I know how available they are but i feel better talking with them, is that because they’re cool people or because they’re people at all? also i’ve kept in touch with pretty much everyone from home anyway so why the fuck do i feel so alone?)

i just want a hug (i like hugs, ok?!?!)

i just want to talk (i don’t even know what about. something deep but simple and trashy but not pointless even though realistically everything is pointless)

i just want something (probably dinner, but I feel sick from eating so much earlier, or am i actually hungry again and just can’t differentiate the feelings because i’m fortunate enough to not wonder where / when my next meal is, except now that I’m feeding myself I can’t get off my lazy ass to take care of myself. or am I just joking about dinner because i can’t describe this want i actually feel?)

i want to do something 

(God going back through this makes that part feel like shitty poetry^^^)

and now i’m going through to bold the original stream of consciousness so anyone reading can see how editing thoughts works, because I can’t even trust my gut on my emotions in real time. or did I just say i can’t trust myself because of a jaded character i was watching a few minutes ago? i can’t even trust my own commentary on my commentary. I’m a mess.

i want to scream and cry and laugh and run and dance and write and read and study and cook and break things and punch a wall without alerting my flatmates and actually feel like I’m close with them without coming across as weird for not getting to know them better the past month and just feel normal

but there is not such thing as truly normal so why do I care so much about being it?

would friends even help me in the long term or just distract me in the moment until we go our separate ways for the night or day or week or lifetime. as much as i love my friends and know they’ll want to help, I don’t want to weigh them down with my wellbeing. Especially since everyone has their own shit to deal with that’s arguably worse than mine. Yet if they said that to me, I’d reply “someone with a broken ankle won’t (or at least shouldn’t) tell someone with a sprained ankle that their pain isn’t real or valid.” 

my is my default feeling so numb and so painful at the same time

why can’t I cry about this? like i physically have felt the need to cry in the back of my mind for the past like three weeks and have only gotten a few tears out

i need to get more done

even if more is crying

why am i bothering to fix any mistakes I type as though I’m going to post this

should I post this or would my friends worry too much? should I let my vent into the infinite abyss of the internet and maybe someone will relate and feel better by seeing it

or am i just typing so I can look through my thoughts like a diary while not talking to myself (like a crazy person in the movies) 

is it even that normal that I can like feel the need to cry build in my life? do i really feel better when cry or is it just the relief of being empty (i just fixed two more spelling mistakes)

I keep telling myself in class that I’m motivated enough to work on the next project (or reading for my classes) and I even started an idea for one, but I’ll probably scrap it because it was so spur of the moment

and I’m behind on the dictionary project partially because I don’t give a shit, partially because I feel like I’m behind in the class when I’m really not, and partially because I feel like putting it off knowing I’l get it done eventually because I always do

I can boast never using an extension even though it means I’ve stayed up till 3 AM to write two paragraphs, only to stop at 3:30 to take a shower that I was putting off until I finished my work, as though disregarding my body’s health is the way to keep my mind from staying idle

and that was a year ago

now I just feel bad about feeling bad and not doing the things I know will help me

I fucking wrote my 300 level English final paper while my mom was packing up my dorm room so I could go home for winter break and have everything to be abroad. She was so worried seeing me work in the moment, so down to the wire. But so proud that I was able to buckle down and do it. Whereas I felt like shit for not doing it sooner. It was a topic I CHOSE and I LIKED IT. WHY THE FUCK DID I PUT IT OFF>!!>??!? I don’t even remember, probably because of my other, less exciting but way bigger project weighing down my spirit

if I just change my scenery then I’ll probably feel better

go to the common room to be on my computer instead of the same for walls of my room that I’ve decided were better because they’re private and nobody can judge me in here, but they also can’t get to know me and I can’t get anything (or much, I’m somehow doing some of the readings) done. You know, like a few other people do and then I’ll feel weird for only starting to do it now. idk

if I could just find another passion to keep me going, a new show or book

god i need to get the courage to go enjoy the library here. I feel so out of place there. nothing’s worse than feeling like a waste of space and a stupid piece of shit in a university library full of people like me who are probably procrastinating or struggling to finish work or even trying to figure out the English language because they’re from the freaking Netherlands and India and everywhere else

while im just the american in England who is struggling over something I probably wouldn’t feel if my life were just a bit worse. as though switching my life with some starving child in the arctic circle would make me feel better because i’d be too close to death to feel like shit and they could enjoy all the benefits I feel like i’m abusing by wasting away on my computer typing into a void rather than actually working to resolve my own issues

because maybe this post will somehow help me resolve things by putting them all out for others to see. or so i can reference it later. idfk

like “hi friends, I’m feeling like shit. Also I’m loving my time abroad, I had chocolate pancakes for dinner last week and I somehow feel like I have the right to complain about doing nothing and feeling bad about doing nothing.”

like knowing you’re a piece of shit doesn’t make you better than anyone because everyone should be trying to work towards a better self and more complete sense of self but i don’t even know where I’m going with this sentence, let alone my fucking life

maybe I should get a boring office job because then I’ll know what to expect and how to get my mundane task done instead of trying to build up the will to be my own boss as a writer and still never feel motivated to put my LONG list of ideas out into the world beyond my desktop

I seriously have over 70 pages of bulleted ideas, half of them are barely formed but i can’t bring myself to get rid of them because they might be worth something to someone one day

i wonder how future historians will deal with old laptops and the documents that were never shared there or the posts that feel so personal but so private as anyone can find them but only some will know the face behind my screen

do I want to share these thoughts with everyone? just close friends? or nobody, not even myself?

fuck it

To my friends: don’t feel obligated to read all this or reply. But you can if you want. Wow this sounds so manipulative, like reverse psychology bullshit. I’m sorry. 

I’m second guessing posting all this. But after all the effort I put in, I think it’s important to have and remember or whatever.

here it goes

EDIT: two minutes later and I feel like an attention whore and feel bad and need to point it out before people (strangers mostly, but still) make that judgment of me themselves. And now feeling like more of an attention seeking piece of shit for pointing it out. why is my brain so broken

would I ever really talk like this face to face? will people see me differently after this? i... whatever

#long post #vent #my thoughts #mental health

[survivorgalaxysedge]

Episode 4 | Space Cadet Blasting Off Again - Jessie

We swapped. And what a wild swap it is. I want from the Andro Tribe to the Circi Tribe. And so did Jonathan, Ari and Zoe. Four of us stuck together on a tribe of 5. We also have Ali with us. I’m worried Ali has an idol so I just don’t want us to lose at all. Let’s keep the good vibes flowing. 

AND NOW IM AM ON CALL WITH JONATHAN AND HE'S TELLING ME ABOUT THE EXACT PLACE I JUST WENT AND THE EXACT RIDDLE I DID LIKE "SOMEONE ALREADY GOT THERE" HELLLLPPPPPPPPP honestly this is what he gets for going off script! i had the room search under control and he was supposed to be in the hallway so it's not my fault he found my mess!

I encountered an alien in the idol search! I sang them a song and viola! I have a special power. I have the ability to kidnap someone from another tribe, for a full round of the game. They compete in the challenge with us. They'll attend tribal council if we go, but can't be voted out. Kind of a neat little power. It has to be used before merge. So I guess we'll see what happens. If we started with 18, swapped at 15, I imagine that merge will be at 11. I've got a few tribals to figure out when/how to use this power, if I even decide to use it at all. Man, I am loaded. Hidden Immunity Idol and this now. On a DISGUSTING note, someone used a power on me to destroy 10 of my fuel. Thankfully it was only 10 and not a whole lot of it. 

I’m actually so annoyed Why the heck would you say “we should throw the challenge .” Like legit why. This is my favourite challenge and I’m not throwing . I get that Jacob hasn’t said a lot but seriously throwing a challenge to get rid of someone who seems kinda new is so stupid . I’m actually so annoyed rn so I’m typing my thoughts so I don’t yell at the person who said they don’t wanna take the time and edit because we are losing anyways . You know what maybe if you didn’t have such a negative attitude about the situation we could turn out a badass video . Did you ever think maybe the other tribe would be down right awful and we could pull out a win ? I’m so tired of my tribe constantly losing . Anyways updated thoughts or whatever because we had a tribe swap Jacob: said creative challenges aren’t his thing . Trying to talk to him more Cindi : we haven’t spoke I don’t think she likes me from our last game though which is fine I guess? Nathan : Original tribe loyalty I guess ? Jay: Jays pretty cool. Okay that’s it I just needed to vent so that’s why it’s confessional form I also still have my idol so flex I guess ? Idk that’s sounds kinda cringe This is Jessie the space cadet blasting off again 

I AM SWAP FUCKED

I SWEAR TO GOD MY GAME ENDS WITH THESE HOES

Keegan is going home

Fourth straight immunity win! This game is wild. I’ve never done so well before! And now I’ve got another 6 fuel, which is a total of 16 fuel from reward wins. With my hidden immunity idol, and my steal a player advantage, I feel unstoppable. But, things can change at a moments notice so I’m not going to stand on my high horse, I’m going to remain realistic. I don’t have any alliance chats, the only person who has straight up said they want to work with me is Jay who is now going to tribal. It’s almost a bad thing not attending tribal so many times, because I have nothing to test or prove loyalty. Who knows what will happen moving forward. 

https://youtu.be/dm7Kta2n7hs

Well we just lost the challenge. Not that I'm surprised, we pretty much lost it when we didn't communicate for a whole day. I tried to do my part and get people discussing but once it was clear this wasn't gonna be a win for us, I just used it for strategy. I wanted to do my best despite the circumstances to prove that this tribe needs me since I'm active and good in challenges. And I think it worked! The judges shouted me out twice for my part in the video (even tho it kinda sucked, but I guess my white boy dancing was good in comparison). But anyways, I do like this tribe and I'm sad we lost, but I have a little theory on why some people didn't try so hard. It was discussed before the challenge even came out that we wanted Jacob out. How this happened was Nathan approached me as soon as we got onto the new tribe and we called and had a good talk on how we felt about the game. Turns out that the queen herself, Jessie Flynn, advocated for me as an ally to Nathan before we even swapped. And us both, and Jessie, all felt good about Cindi too. And ever since then, Nathan's been in my DMs talking about voting for Jacob. So overall I think I landed myself in a pretty sweet spot on this disaster of a tribe and hopefully we can get our shit together for the next challenge, cause things won't be so clear cut next time.

https://youtu.be/dm7Kta2n7hs

WE WON. THANK *GOD.* after flying across the country yesterday and dealing with several minor life crises, i literally spent the ENTIRETY of today working on that video - meaning from when i woke up at 10 to fifteen minutes before when it was due - and also spent seven whole dollars at the dollar tree for props & costumes soooooo if we had not won i would've been quite embarrassed. i was nervous about the editing part, as i've not ever actually put together a music video challenge, just weird silly videos like me as zac efron.... but it turned out okay! i'm not 100% satisfied with my work (i wanted to put more transition effects & it needed more variety / staging to make it less repetitive) but hey it was a thousand miles above the other teams' submissions so i will take it!!! and i never have to listen to space jam again!! anyway, i guess this means another boring day around camp. winning reward got me two more adventure missions, which i used to mostly complete the outside portion of the quest and jonathan is i think gonna finish it off for us tonight. i am hoping/assuming he'll get whatever is there since it's been literally only 48 hours since this started and the door keypad had five zillion combos, and that'd mean that's the last thing in this adventure probably? oh wait nvm we still have a shit ton of stuff to check in the hallway i should do that next. but yeah so that'll be good and i hope it is an advantage or a disadvantage that he won't play on me LOL. if i wake up and all my fuel is destroyed.... i know where you've been jonny! not much else to report right now. it sounds like ali's doing a good job of getting himself in the good graces of zoe and jonathan, which is the most ideal scenario for me so we can say bye-bye keegan. i was a bit worried that if we lost this challenge i wouldn't have a plausible reason to argue to jonathan for keeping ali - or actually, more likely, i think he would have wanted to vote zoe? she hasn't been around as much and he did express concern on saturday about whether she's doing okay. luckily though, this W has bought me a few more days to work on getting the people i like to like each other.

https://youtu.be/F4_Sylzyxyw

UGH UGH UGH I GOT TRIBE FUCKEDDDDDDD IM WITH MJ WHO I JUST SLASHED THE VOTE OF AND LIED TO AND THE OTHER 3 ARE FROM THE SAME TRIBE. GOD DAMN IT. UGH but on the other hand we won immunity and it'll give me time to get to know my other tribe mates. I just hope this isnt a "tribe strong" battle in this game. I hope everyone are free agents

woo! ari and i are together in the swap as well as keegan and jonathan, and ali wound up with us as well on the new circi tribe. we won the music video challenge so the streak continues. i’m very tired!

so the tribe swap went pretty much the best it possibly could, as i got swapped majority with the two members of my tribe i talked to the most. we won immunity so i'm chilling for another week. unfortunately, mj and silver seem to have no interest in talking to me. both of them left me on read after i initiated conversation. so. sits.

So despite the easy seeming vote, I'm still gonna be nervous until the votes get read. These players are no joke, especially knowing that Alex was completely blindsided by Nathan and Jessie. I'm staying positive because I think it's like, a 90% chance I'm in the clear, but you really don't know until you know LOL. I'm just trying to set up my position on this tribe and for the future. I've gone to Cindi, Jessie, and Nathan individually and reassured them that I'm with them for the long haul. And for now I mean it, but if any of them get too dangerous then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry not sorry~ looking specifically at you Nathan 👀

nothing rlly to say tbh happy we swapped!!!!! and happy we won!!!!!! happy to be here with jules. havent really talked much since swapping honestly but i think i'd like to work with jules and asya and somehow get silver tf up outta here when we get the chance!!!!!

https://youtu.be/kt66vebpU4k

https://youtu.be/t5x52CJdhjI

TRIBAL AGAIN. I'm so nervous. I'm the only one from Circi so that's an easy swap screwed if you ask me. But I hope I'm ok. I think I've made a good bond with Jay Nathan and jessie and they all say we're voting for Cindi so fingers crossed it's not all an elaborate ruse on me

First tribal should be a unanimous vote. I told Nathan if he voted me out I'd block him and our 50 day snap streak would be toast and, like, tbh I think that would crush him. Jay and I want to work together. The only one who might've been sketched out is Jessie but she doesn't have the numbers. It feels insane to be this not paranoid before tribal when I know Jacob is pushing my name...but also I literally don't think that he could get me out?? Like, Nathan and I were/are a dynamic duo so I do not know how he would flip. Jay flipping makes zero sense. The ONLY people this would benefit or be a neutral for is Jessie and Jacob. The only way I go is if Nathan and Jay are two of the dumbest players on the planet.

Tribals in an hour we lost Big sad energy I guess my hearts really going to supernova 

#toinfinityandsurvive

[zhao-tianyou]

little update from me re: getting some mental help 

mentions of depression, so more after the cut 

my older sister called and told my parents about it. i was so scared because my dad wasn’t very open minded when my younger sister got diagnosed with BPD. 

my mom basically told me that she was happy that i finally realized that i needed help and that i reached out for help. she’s going to help me find a program either through the clinic or the state or something so i can see a mental health doctor. im planning on going and seeing a regular doctor this week about being put back on my blood medicine. i realize that the medicine was saving me and i shouldn’t have gone off it even if i was super depressed and wanted to die. she is going to help me finish my paperwork for the state to hopefully be placed on a medical program to help pay for doctor visits and for visits. i may under the max for 1 person so i’m really hopeful we can get accepted. it’s kinda a mess rn because of everyone losing their jobs and virus nonsense. my dad was even somewhat open-minded. it’s weird seeing him be so nice to me. he was telling me about some storm programs that are going to be on tv this week because i was watching a storm chaser today when he came downstairs to do laundry. i think he realized that you can’t be a dick. stuff like the stuff i’m going through is deep and you need to be there for the person suffering, ya know? idk what i’m even saying at this point. 

once we can get me on a program and medicine, i plan to hopefully be able to see someone about my mental health and placed on something to help make these bad feelings go away. i’m super positive about it. 

i go back to work sunday and i’m not looking forward to it. i want my eval day to come so i can tell them that i’m stretched too thin. i don’t mind helping where they need me, but i’m stretched way too thin and it’s making me sick mentally and physically. plus my immune system is shot because of the brain hemorrhage. i hope this virus stuff ends soon because i want to start looking for a new job. i’ve been at this current one for almost 9 years which is crazy, so you think a job would look at that as a positive, even if I was on leave for 6 months because i almost died, but heh. every job i’ve applied for i either bomb the interview or i dont even hear back. it’s disheartening. 

i had a really long vc last night with @golden-star-kota and we were talking about the jonathan thing. i feel like the mess with him is likely why these bad feelings are so strong again. that and the brain thing, but ya know. i haven’t had bad feeling like this in such a long time. i felt like i was over him and over the mess, but i guess not. i hope once i see a mental health doctor that we can talk about the whole mess and we can work on ways that i can get over it. i cried a lot when we were talking about it and how bad my feelings have been. i hope i never meet another man like him. i don’t want to use the name he’s famous for, but alas. i have decided that i hate everyone from that server that i thought was my friend. i hate everyone who egged me on knowing full well that nothing would come of it. plus i think jon’s friend is way cuter now lmfao but he said he doesn’t want to date, so more power to him. i don’t feel like i’m ready for anything like that either tbh. the thing with jon was so bad that it threw me into a questioning stage of i was thinking i was ace or aro. i still think about it a lot, but not as much. i have other things to worry about at this point. emmi was right when she wrote on her twitter that a little bit of money and everyone gets coldhearted. my sister wants to know about the jon thing and idk if im ready to tell her about it. im scared that ill be judged when i know im not going to be judged.  

anyway, i need to get some sleep before work later today so goodnight everyone 

#kristen says shit

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE FIVE: “YOU HEAR THAT NOISE? ITS THE SOUND OF AN UPRISING” - Chris

BARRY MANILOW IS DISGUSTED WITH THIS CHOICE OF CHALLENGE @nicole @owen @monty @andrew

Kage has just been voted out and I have a lot of thoughts in my head when LO AND BEHOLD Ned messages me saying how Jake talked about Armonia sticking together, also wanting Olivia safe, and Andreas/Dennis/me picked off. I dunno if it is true or not but I have to laugh.  Malik and Ned were supposedly on the bottom of the tribe, but I suspect now these two wanna flip and such. Now this is further complicated by me not knowing where Sarah, Matt, Nicklas, and Lukas stand and I fear that if/when we merge, there is intention on getting a person like me out. Nevertheless, I need to do as much talking as I can with people

Ned just came to me telling me, that at Ancient Thera Jake told him, they bamboozled my og tribe and want to stick together and stay "OG Armonia strong" and want Ned to save Olivia... Oh boy. I feel really really good about Ned telling me this, I guess that means that Olivia so far is the person to go, IF we lose the challenge and I somehow need to find out a way to warn the others, even though that could blow up my game come merge aswell. But first off, thank you ned <3

You hear the noise? It's the sound of an uprising! I am so about to start chanting some Les Misérables up in here. Like I can be a pretty calm person but when it comes to adversity, I don't whine and cry about it, I act about it to bring a change for myself and right now I feel I need a change or else I am screwed. So alas, it's time to rally the troops

how did last round even happen LMFAO... so skrt skrt lets rewind ladies! we lose the challenge because certain judges don’t have TASTE. and it was a mess cus we were all sure we would win so we didn’t talk for 3 days LMFAO. i was nervous cus my old tribe was in the minority, but i am close with Nicklas. I kept telling him and the others that i don’t really trust Trent and would gladly vote him out, however Nicklas told me before that there was some mistrust with Kage. So I pushed that to him, saying i would feel better with Kage going now, and that i’d vote trent the next time we lose. He said he would consider it but was very weary. ...then a couple hours later sarah decides she wants Kage out? I was confused, and Sharifa was freaking tf out. Oh also Sharifa told me she has the idol, fun FACT. But near tribal Sarah made a chat of me her nicklas matt sharifa and kurt to discuss a vote. We agreed on Kage, and somehow... he went home LOL. So, I guess I’m feeling a bit more secure. But in terms of the overall game, i am worried because apparently the other tribe thinks i’m inactive (um i give the energy i receive and matt and kage sucked ass at talking to me so i wasn’t going to bother having a dry conversation) so i wonder if people won’t take me seriously in this game ! boo. whatever. anyways i’m at the ancient thera and i better get an idol period 

I’m just a fat little bitch who loves berries

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING? SINGING A SONGS OF ANGRY MEN? IT IS THE MUSIC OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN. WITH THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART ECHOES THE BEATING OF THE DRUMS, THERE IS A LIFE ABOUT TO START WHEN TOMORROW COMES!

im so glad we won immunity, i need a damn BREAK. but now i’m nervous that Ned is going to get voted out because he’s basically inactive lmao. but i hope he survives. sarah approached me last night and asked if i found my “Dani” in the game (aka my loyal ride or die) and i said no and she said good because she wants to work with me. she then asks if i’m good with sharifa and kurt and i say yes and she says that she “adores” them. hm idk what to think! i asked who she was close w on her old tribe, and of course she says “i like them all equally :)” -.- if we happen to lose again, i think i would want matt or lukas out the most because i don’t know how much i actually trust them, but i think we might be stuck voting trent if they really want us to pay them back for the kage vote. i just need another tribe swap!!!!!!!!

Too much pressure

Chris found the idol!!!!!! I am so happy for him, and for the trio of me/dennis/chris. I now know where half the idols in this game are ....... this is INCREDIBLE!! Olivia continues to not speak game with me at all, and Keegan isn't much better. Given the new tea that Ned spilled about Olivia and Jake, we are for sure targeting Olivia. The vote should be 3-2-2 right now, with Dennis, Malik, and Ned voting Olivia. Then Chris and I are voting Keegan, with Olivia and Keegan throwing their votes on either Chris or I. With the idol, even if we have any funny business at tribal like votes, etc - then we should be good..... i pray haha

We lost the challenge which is unfortunate but not surprisingly. This tribe is just full of challenge flops. Scrambling for tribal has been... minimal to say the least. DENNIS is saying he’ll vote for anyone as long as he survives the round. CHRIS is saying he hopes tribal lines aren’t still in play but is willing to do what he has to survive. And ANDREAS is just kind of floating there not scrambling too hard. The TINKY CLAN is currently deciding who to vote between ANDREAS and CHRIS since we want DENNIS around for challenges. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter which of the three get votes off as long as they don’t have idols and we manage to make it through unscathed. The McBITCHES still need to reunite. On that note, major props to the OG AMMONIA tribe for getting KAGE voted out.

OLIVIA and I are hatching a plan to maybe have MALIK idoled out of the game. As it turns out, OLIVIA and NED are both getting annoyed with how MALIK is playing the game and don’t really want to continue working with him. And that’s fair. I think MALIK is a great person but as a player. Yikes. He sure is messy. Right now we’re deciding whether we want to tell DENNIS straight up to vote for MALIK, hoping he passes the word to CHRIS and ANDREAS, or if we should hang back and just not really let them in on the current plan to vote out ANDREAS. We could just straight up vote out MALIK but that seems like a bad option at the moment. Might lead to a 3-3 tie next tribal and possibly rocks, which would be terrible.

I am BEYOND tired of Olivia slandering me, talking down on me, and trying to come for me not once but TWICE this game. I knew the Matt thing had to have been true because Chris told me and Chris isn’t a liar, he never lies to me. I didn’t know about Matt, but Olivia apparently confirmed it TO ANDREAS. Seriously, what is this girls issue with me? She’s been at me, saying all this shit about me but acting so nice and cool to me to my face. I felt like I’ve legit done nothing to her, and I’ve even apologized more than once just in case I did anything. But now you wanna come for me. Hopefully tonight this bullshit will end, with it in my favor of you going home, because I am so sick of her and her antics. I’m using this to vent so I don’t blast off at her whether I or her leave this tribal. Gotta be careful sis.

I really hope the core group of five actually have my back. I definitely feel they do, but I’m just so paranoid after the news recently about it. I really am so nervous because no vote has gone the exact way it’s supposed to so far, but I hope that is five are good and we all stay. If an idol takes me out I’ll be so sad. I love those guys! Ned, Dennis, Andreas and Chris! ❤️🔥 Teen Titans!

Today has pretty much been INSANE. I owned having the idol to Andreas/Dennis and hopefully they believe me when I say I just found it, Olivia/Keegan finally lived for Matt and Sarah's warning that they wanted Malik out, and so now, this is hopefully going to be a 3-2-2 vote of all Armonia, which will probably cause confusion with the other tribepeeps hopefully! Meanwhile, Ned/Malik want to work with us, Malik trusts me even more, and tbh I feel so good. It all is beginning to feel like it is coming all together!

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

im keeping up with this!

honestly, i couldve been a lot more productive today but i tried so hard to sleep that i ended up wasting my day away instead of being more pro-active. i ate oatmeal for dinner and went to power hour this morning with jenny! i wasnt thrilled at first bc i went to bed around 1:30am and had to wake up around 5:30am so that I could leave by 6am and make it to the train stop by 8am. Surprisingly, I did not fall asleep once on my way to the stop though I did knock out on the way back. I know I could’ve easily ditched but transportation isn’t really an excuse to bail out on something! I’ve been guilty of it in the past too but especially seeing how easily people gave up just bc of of rides showed that their hearts werent in the right place at all. I wanted to go to power hour today and pray and intercede within the church. And I wasn’t going to let rides stop me from doing so. I can’t just give up. I have to at least try first and exhaust all my options. I know that it’d be a lot easier to just not go but so long as people are willing to help me, I’d be more than happy to come. And I’m not going to power hour to “look good.” In fact, I do wish more people in MVMT would come out and really understand the value and weight of prayer. But I know that theyre busy with their own things and it does take a lot of time to go and commit. I’m not judging them for not going. I’m not going to look good or to “be better.” I’m going because I want to pray. I’m going because I know there’s a lot of weight behind it and I want to help do my part. I do think I’ve been blessed with the gift of prayer and I can get really passionate in the moment. And I also know this is something I need to work on. To really develop and cultivate my faith via the Word and not just by feelings. To not believe the Word is always directly related to me but to see it for what it is so that I can gain a better understanding of who God is and as a result, be able to better share the gospel and evangelize to my friends. I know I’m jetlagged and that could’ve been a valid excuse but I really did want to go and I am really happy that I did. I went this morning and Pastor William led it and instead of individually praying for one topic each, we all prayed for one topic at a time. And I was kind of taken aback when P. William asked me to close and I wasn’t actually sure if I heard him correctly. Did he hear my praying and think I was passionate enough to close? Tbh, I was pretty tired and out of it but wanted to try and stay focused but I do think I was off my A-game today. Maybe he was just impressed by my willingness to come despite having just recently returned from California and wanted to acknowledge that! Or maybe it’s just because I haven’t been to Power Hour in a while and he wanted to give me an opportunity to close since everyone else already had recently. That’s probably the most logical explanation. Regardless, I was pretty shocked but as I closed, I was surprised at how passionately I was speaking. I was actually on the verge of tears and my voice broke a few times. But then I quickly closed and the ladies prayed together on one side and the guys on the other. I got to share about the classes I’m taking during the coming semester as well as my concerns for the school year. I used to have Sharlene to keep me accountable and share life with at school and we both supported each other through thick and thin and while I am beyond glad she’s going where God is calling her to be, I am sad to have lost a friend. And I am worried that I’ll fall victim to the lifestyle and culture at school and just grow bitter towards everything instead of keeping my eyes on God. Regardless if I find someone new to replace her or not, I do want to make an honest attempt to keep my focus fixated on God and Him alone. And I think by reading the Word more often is one way that I can. I am also hoping I’ll be able to be more trusting within the Lakeview community and really share my life with them. I know I’m on pretty good terms with some Catalyst peeps like Anna, Elsa, and I guess Sharon? But I also want to press further into my relationships with the people in Movement as well. I was super depressed last year and suffered a lot of heartache, especially when Robbin passed away. And Shar was there for me. I trusted her so deeply and I knew that her intentions were pure. The response I got whenever sharing with Movement was always awkward and close to none. Which I get, I was probably oversharing at times and making some people feel uncomfortable but it did feel pretty discouraging to share in a time of need and have no one respond very positively. And I know it was my decision to share to encourage others to do so as well but it definitely made me feel like I couldn’t really trust them. But I did trust Sharlene and I still do but it’ll definitely be harder now without her physically around. I don’t want to feel so alone again. And I’m really hoping that I won’t. But yeah, I shared that. I also prayed for the service tomorrow and that people wouldn’t just treat it as any other service but for them to feel unafraid to feel an encounter with God. Just because it isn’t a revival night or a retreat shouldn’t stop people from really coming to God. They made the decision to come to His house and I prayed that regardless of their life stage, especially because tomorrow is also a joint service, no one would feel afraid to just really come before God and be with Him.

Behold Our God Seated on His throne Come let us adore Him Behold Our King Nothing can compare Come let us adore Him

I also prayed for the Movement ministry that we wouldnt get caught up in our studies or the moment and instead keep our gaze fixated on God because without Him, nothing matters. All of this is for nothing. I prayed that throughout our studies, we would never forget that we aren’t studying for a good GPA or to please our parents but so we can better serve God in whatever capacity He has called us to. In my prayer group, Jenny shared about her heart for the MEF marathon this weekend among other things and Julie, P. Dub’s wife, shared about the struggles of having to deal with the recent flood in their house. Their physical belongings were thankfully not ruined but the garage is still a mess and her insurance is only willing to cover 5k. God, I pray that regardless of what happens, Julie can continue to just really trust you. Whether you bless her with the funds or have the repairs make a deep cut into her bank account, I hope she can know and understand that there is an underlying lesson from you hidden in this moment. It sucks right now but I do pray she can trust you. Honestly, I think I bragged a little bit unintentionally while praying for her. Her circumstances seemed similar to my own so I wanted to acknowledge that and let her know that I understand what she’s going through to some extent but I think I didn’t need to mention how my mom sold her wedding band to pay for the damages done on our own house. After that, we ate together and it felt like we were gossiping about other people which I was a bit uncomfortable with. I also opened up to P. William about my experience back home and how I actually left to escape a toxic situation but being up close and personal with everything back home, I was forced to face all my prior fears and insecurities and got a lot of closure as a result. And tbh, I don’t think he was expecting me to talk so much and wanted to leave the conversation ASAP and I felt kinda bad but I’m hoping some others will want to hear more about my time back home tomorrow. It seems like people noticed I was gone which tbh, I was also kinda surprised about bc I was only gone for a month. It’s probably just because I spent so much time at church for VBS for so long and then suddenly didn’t come at all. Even when Jenny picked me up from the train station this morning, I shared a little bit about the closure I received back home but she seemed more interested to talk about herself. Which I did try and be attentive towards and be humble instead of hurt but yeah. meh.

After power hour, I shared my thoughts about downtown ministry and city outreach to Jenny and her husband. She told me about a homeless shelter that could serve as a good outreach opportunity for movement since it’s in between downtown and NU. I’m definitely going to keep it in mind! That is something I would like to do but it’s also a big commitment and idk if anyone would actually come.

Oh! I also spent some time playing with Samantha and Andrew this morning while waiting for Jenny to get ready at her house. I am really grateful that she’s so willing to drive me to church from the Dempster-Skokie stop on the yellow line. It’s feasible for me to take public transportation at no cost of my own to get to church. I know that I’ve been called to serve at Lakeview so I’m going to continue to do so, regardless of the cost. I won’t let anything stop me.

Finally, I confronted Eliza about using my dish soap and she kindly backed off, I tried using my plastic wiper and it went pretty well! I attached the wet wip and all was fine! I made oatmeal for dinner, did my dishes, had a good few conversations with Andrew, and now I’m here. Oh, I also asked Jason if he could take me tomorrow since I know Jenny always goes early and is already committed to taking me to power hour every Saturday so I don’t want to intrude. I’ll probably respond to Andrew, wrap up my leftover oatmeal, shower, and then prepare for tomorrow. I need to buy a new Bible since apparently I left mine at home! :( Sad.

#reflection

[burgatroyd]

week 6 thoughts!!!

here we go!

id like to start off by saying that shania twain was a horrible guest judge i cant. bring back julianne (or someone who can say their piece in under 10 minutes) this episode def started out slow for me but picked up pace as it went along thank god. and i really think that this week’s leaderboard is the one that most accurately reflects the contestants’ dancing abilities out of all the weeks thus far (besides maybe terrell being overscored) 

nikki and artem: oh my god i deadass forgot this dance happened 😬 this was...hmm i cant decide if i liked it. i think i did? i mean there were a few noticeable errors and awkward bits but i think overall i liked. i L O V E  their partnership though. love love love.

drew and emma: THIS WAS A MESS but i LOVED IT????? i have no idea why but emmas choreo was so high energy. drew kind of went a bit OTT though. i cant really get excited about him yet like i literalyl keep forgetting hes around which sucks bc i liked their dance last week and want queen emma to have a good season again. i’m sure theyll be fine though. 

nick and peta: highkey relieved they left. sorry peta youre still my ult fave pro i love you queen but this was getting tough to watch. nick and peta knew it was their time though. sucks they had to go out on such a low note with judges scores. i laughed at lindsay (and britt in the bg) heckling the judges.

victoria and val: this was....cute. memorable in that the theme of hockey was really incorporated well into the dance obviously. val is really the king of themed pasos lmao. but anyway i just find myself with not much to say liek i was kind of.. bored?? idk. im worried for her for next week i feel liek she could be in trouble :( shes still the cutest ever though

terrell and cheryl: I STANNNNNNN I STAN SO HARD.....LIKE LITERALLY I WAS SHOOOOOKKKKK. cheryl ABSOLUTELY DID THAT. terrell kept up. i am so excited about this bc tbh i was sad they got this song because i LOOOOOVVVEEE feel it still and portugal. the man so i was a lil bummed it went to this partnership because i havent been too excited by them so far (not in a negative way i was just neutral) but i LOVEDD....IM SO HAPPY. overscored??? definitely. did i care??? hell nope!

frankie and witney: alright...yikes. i literally feel like this was still somehow overscored like right out of a gate this was a mess. im so sad. i feel like this definitely wont hold them back bc frankie plays riiiigghhtt into the core demo but this is definitely going to be a blow to his ego. this was just like....it made me nervous to watch for some reason. :/

vanessa and maks: OKAY THAT WARDROBE MALFUNCTION RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING WAS SUCH A TOUGH BREAK but tbh she played it like a pro (i also loved that you could see maks like reassure her mid-dance. that was cute). this was such a good dance. i was kiiinddaa shocked len didnt call out lack of content or breaking hold, but i guess he really liked it so im not complaining. also their package was cute and i feel like it answered the question about their dynamic without outright saying anything which is good. im happy theyre back :) AND SAFE :D

jordan and lindsay: jordan is un fucking real. JUST UNREAL THERES NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT hes such a good dancer. BUT....his personality is a bit much. like it was good to see him struggle, but it was literally him struggling becasue he’s too talented and an almost-olympic gymnast like ajknfjkafs. i need to see him frustrated. amazing dance though obviously. so happy they actually used ed’s version.

lindsey and mark: honestly..........mark is a fucking visionary. this was insane it was amazing and i knew lindsey would be good at ATs bc of the video with derek but wow. this almost felt like mark’s dance ft lindsey just based on how much his choreo was praised and how the package and dance revolved around him, and tbh bc of how much i love mark i am f i n e with that. its what he deserves. perfect 40 is what they deserved. im THRILLED. finally. also that last lift...holy shit??? that girl is flexible as fuckkkk

team dance guesses (and also my hopes tbh. i hope its not just boys v girls, thats so boring)

lindsey and mark: vanessa and maks, vic and val, terrell and cheryl

jordan and lindsay: frankie and wit, nikki and artem, drew and emma

#p #:)

[hazzagotthisone-blog]

thats it. i want to clarify some shits. i am so sick and tired of being judged cuz i love justin bieber. ive been through so much and everytime i wanted to give up on myself, friends, family who ever whos around me and generally my whole life, justin was there and he didnt let me. he was there for me at 3am when i was crying. but i wonder who was there for him?? all the times he was feeling low. all the times he was getting hate from the whole world. dont wanna be dramatic but hes so strong. so this is one of the reasons why i love him. hes strong. as i said he has been through so much but ive never seen him harm himself or anything or anybody else. he just kept his silence everytime. he can take so much. i still remember how mad i was while watching the bieber roast. like i know i had to laugh and it was all a comedy show but still tho. i mean if anyone else was in the place of justin... with all of those things and... ugh nevermind. i mean cmon they talked shit about the love of his life, his father and so on justin is so honest with his fans. he cares about his fans. he takes time to talk with them, hug every single one of them, he has bought roses, coffees and stuff like that. and he does stuff like that now and then to show his love towards his fans. once he even played songs from his next album for them. he posted a video of that crowd- which was taken from the hotel balcony -via his instagram and captioned it; i wake up this morning to this :) best fans in the world #beliebers #sexyfans k can we pause here?? and another story bout this. actually i think yall have heard this one. "justin spittin on his beliebers from the balcony" bullshit. thats exactly what it is. total bullshit. and how do i know a fan cleared this mess up. actually one who was there: "i can definitely confirm that he didnt spit on anyone because i was there and in that instagram video he posted, i also have a video from my view, and he never at any point spit on us. TMZ and all these other media outlets and trying to put two and two together and make him seem like a bad person. personally i think he did it before were even any of us standing down there on the street, because at no point when i was stand there did he even spit off the balcony! he would never do anything like that to his fans. hate how media outlets try to make him out to be a bad person all the time when hes far from." tmz superimposed photos of the fans next to justin on a completely different balcony to make it appear like he was spitting on fans when he wasent. infact earlier that day, justin bought his fans hot chocolate and played them some of his new music. justin loves his fans. people talk shit about justin but little they kno most of the bad things they hear are just made up rumors. i love justin cuz hes such a talented person. i love him cuz hes a sweetheart. if u look real deep into his eyes you can actually see nothing but love. some kid at my school told me that hes a drug addicted and she was like srsly how can u look up to someone like that?? u must be a drug addicted too and she just walked away. hes not a drug addicted. i know yall have heard the story of cops raiding his house for eggs- when he egged his neighbors house which it wasnt a good thing to do i admit when justin does sth wrong i dont endorse it i can admit when he has fucked up and did that shit-and so on. but im pretty sure yall havent heard that the cops actually gave him a random drug test, and he tested negative for every single one. and yes he has smoked weed before but that doesnt make him a "drug addicted". tbh i see nothing wrong with that. alot of people do. plus it has been proven that marijuana is healthier than cigarettes and people are in the process of legalizing it in more states... so to the girl who goes to my school and all those who think justins not in complete health: hes not a drug addicted, he is not addicted to weed and whatever the hell he does in his personal time, people should not worry about it. annnnd about justin being disrespetful to Argentina flag. yes he did kick it off the stage BUT later he apologized and he said that he had no idea what it was. he thought that it was a shirt or sth. he clarified this by tweeting a several tweets saying: @justinbieber heard about what is going on with me down in Argentina and im shocked. I love Argentina and have had some of the best shows of my tour there @justinbieber people throw stuff on my stage all show and i get it to the stage hands to get off so no one got hurt. that video i saw a bra and thought... @justinbieber ...it was a shirt. Im being told by my team it was a shirt but even if it was a flag I would never do anything disrespect to Argentina... @justinbieber ...or the people of Argentina or the fans. Im so sorry for anyone who took my actions the wrong way and i hope you can forgive this mistake and if yall are interested u can search the tweets. to make sure these are actually real. yes he did that. "justin peein in a mop bucket" according to what his manager said he took a backway exit to avoid the paps and at that time he really needed to use bathroom and one of the employees told them that he can do it in a mop bucket... i admit that wasent the best choice but also if u have to go, you have to go... justin is a human being, i think people forget that. hes not perfect and at his lifetime he will fuck up some shits. what teenager doesnt???? tbh the only difference between our teenage years and his is that we all are not under a microscope. if we fuck sth up its just us. we may blame our selves for a while but then we let it go. cuz u cant be hard on yourself. but about justin... well the whole world is watching his every single move. and "its hard to do the right thing when the pressure is coming down like lightning." anyway he said that he has learned from that experience and promised that it wont happen ever again. nobody is perfect and you have to accept that. im pretty sure you have done some not so good things as well that yourent proud of them, but as i said the difference between you and justin is that you are not under a microscope. you dont get judged by everyone in the world. and i actually have another proof to show yall justin isnt bad but the media is lol. they try so hard to ruin justins reputation like why yall bitter i dont get this... so anyway. you mightve heard this or maybe not idk but there was a rumor goin round for a while :" justin called a girl a beached whale then she committed suicide" lol this is like so BULLSHIT i know cuz the girl is alive and she spoke up bout this. she apologized about the whole story goin around cuz she felt guilty. she shared some tweets sayin: @TropicalFlower0 i was NEVER called a beach whale by justin bieber. so sorry about making that up. im sorry @justinbieber and his fans @TropicalFlower0 but i am willing to give the money back to them i just dont want to feel guilty. justin bieber was really nice to us @TropicalFlower0 im not a bieber fan either like the news reporters said. im just a normal girl that needed the money. @TropicalFlower0 so i just want to clarify, justin bieber never called me a whale. all he told us was "hi girls" like i said earlier. @TropicalFlower0 well, after i got home i really felt guilty, my friend told me that what i did was very wrong. @TropicalFlower0 i really needed the money so i said sure, first of all they also invented that i was a bieber fan to make him look even worse @TropicalFlower0 and if i did they would pay me a higher amount of money, they also told me if i get friends and guests to help me they would double @TropicalFlower0 they seemed very unsatisfied and then they came back and told me to make up a story about justin bieber to make him look bad @TropicalFlower0 Then a lot of news reporters came at me and my friends asking us what justin bieber told us so we told them that he just said hi @TropicalFlower0 the other day i was with my friends sun bathing, we saw justin bieber and he came toward us and said nothing else but "hi girls" @TropicalFlower0 i dont understand twitter but i hopefully this gets out there and i wont feel guilty anymore so as u read justin goin to a pool area isnt that much interesting and sort of boring so some paparazzi guy payed this girl and yeah mainwhile when this shitty rumor started to spear around this was his indirect way of sayin that it wasent tru. justin tweeted you are all beautiful i dont even know what to say anymore. these were all some examples. i got so much more to talk about but its just too much. so imma leave this here and the rest for later. "and haterz.... i love u too. ;)" he tweeted this and i think it was needed rn atm im not trying to make justin look like a pure angel who hes not MY point is to show u he does mistakes like us, he is a human like us, he has a beating heart in his chest like us. and most of the bad things u hear about him are just made up rumors. thats it. there i said it.

[survivorstorybookarendelle]

Episode 6 - Why Is My Name Always Thrown Around - Veronica

 i thought i was finally gonna have all my faves together that was mean

[3/17/17, 11:06:24 PM] Steffen Bøhn: good [3/17/17, 11:06:29 PM] Steffen Bøhn: write a confessional

that was my confessional

oh gosh omg if I make merge if I merge I cant loose my connections with Rob, Luke, and Ashton mostly Ashton and Rob screw you Steffen lol I mean I'm dead at regan going to exile and I'm actually in a very good spot on the new nevs tribe me and Amanda are fucking tight me and Ashton are tight me and Brian are tight me and Richie were tight on Nevs ike come on Veronica and me have no bond but I can like her

the last time i wrote a confessional it was about to be our first tribal council after the first swap where amanda was about to be voted out and whew so much has happened since.... seconds after typing that confessional amanda signed on skype and told everyone she had irl family stuff going on (which my heart felt for her <3) but strategically i was like yes this is perfect to use as a last minute flip so with like 20 minutes until the vote everyone was convinced to vote out adrian and everything worked out great for me!!!!!! fast forward to the next immunity challenge and it was a music video lip sync immunity and we had 24 hours to do it and it was 90 minutes before the immunity was due and NO ONE had committed to any plans or filmed anything so i was like okay fuck it i'll just throw together the most ridiculous video of all time hopefully it will be so ridiculously bad that it will be iconic but um... the judges were haters y'all the judges were h a t e r s !!!!!! but whatever we lost i got sent to exile AGAIN and the tribe voted out zach which cool i never got to meet him lmao okay i come back from exile and we have a reward which we won!! i think that was the first time that i had won anything all season and we got to pick someone to go to exile and i chose ashley bc i was hoping that she would pick me to go with her bc we've been together everytime and we bond while we're there and a few minutes go by and fucking meredith gets sent to exile and i know i'm fucked!!! i've been okay with spending 90% of my time in this game on exile because i found the idol and if i'm the only one on exile then i dont have to worry about people getting clues and finding out the idol's already been found and i'm the only one thats been there so having someone but me go to exile was bad news because when she came back i was #exposed womp womp 

 connor messaged me saying "im just gonna ask you point blank do you have the idol" and then i was like what makes you say that and he said "well i got to where the idol should be and it isn't there and I may be wrong, but the only other person who has gone is you" so wtf do i say to that!? that means that meredith and connor are close enough that when she came back from exile she shared that with him and theres literally no way i could lie because it's so obvious and that would just make me seem so much sketchier so i was just like yeah i have it so even though i assumed that people assumed that i had the idol because of how much time i've spent on exile but now its a #fact and i hate it :) 

 ANYWAY!!! we find out its a double tribal connor wins individual immunity he says he wants to vote out patricia and im hesistant because i'm expecting a merge/swap/something and i'm still scared of the fact that i voted in the minority  on OGNevs in the shea boot and i think patricia voted with me so i didnt really want to get rid of her i would have preferred voting out amanda so she couldnt link back up with that group but i know connor and amanda talk because one time i told something to only amanda and then connor messaged me saying "i've heard....." and in my head i was like yeah bitch you heard that from me thru amandas mouth NOTED!! so i didnt want to be the one to throw out amandas name now that connor knows i had the idol bc i didnt want to give him any reason to put me on his radar even more and he could orchestrate a good blindside with the receipts of me admitting i have the idol.... so i dont fight and patricia leaves and GUESS WHAT??? A SWAP!!!! and guess what else!? you FROZEN hearted hosts put me on a tribe with no one i can really work with so thanks a lot mf haters i can't wait to die!!!!Submitted 

I feel so bad, I technically betrayed Carson even though I technically told him I was voting for him? I handled it wrong, and I feel bad. 

http://prntscr.com/eld3ut

 like I think I messed up when I said, yeah I'm fine with him voting Ashley, I just meant that I'm okay with him voting for her not that I'm voting for her too, I love carson and he's my frist friend, but he did betray me first in Kiribati! then regan blew up about brian and it was crazy. Now there's a swap and I think I might be good, I'm back with the glass alliance and Ashley but I have rhea here too who I love. I just hope we don't go to tribal cause who knows what connor is thinking and I don't want to vote for rhea either

Confessional #8- This is the first time in this game that I don't feel 100% safe. The first two tribals I went to were an easy votes and I had immunity at one. Now I'm not sure what's going on. I don't even know two the people here which Is scary as well. My plan is to make sure me Brian and Nehe are strong and will stick together then I'll try and pull in Veronica to that group. Hopefully that will form a majority of four and we can get either Amanda or Richie out of here. it was great

amazing perfect i loved 3/17/17, 10:53:52 PM] Regan (India Host): uhm I'm not working with brian [3/17/17, 10:53:53 PM] Ashton: You're overreacting [3/17/17, 10:53:53 PM] twink brain ravioli: Mmm its basically just an anti-Brian thing!! [3/17/17, 10:53:57 PM] Regan (India Host): IM NEVER WORKING WITH BRIAN

my fave part

 I've been sleep the entire day so ofc the fact tribal is near and I didn't talk a lot Scares me  It always will when you sleep this close to tribal But I trust Ashton and Brian and they have no reason to abandon me

also can i just say whY IS IT IN ALL THESE SURVIVORS ITS ALWAYS ME OR SOME OTHER PEOPLE I LIKE ABOUT TO BE UP FOR BOOT LIKE WHY IS MY NAME ALWAYS THROWN AROUND IN THESE GAMES LIKE WHY CANT I LIVE FOR ONCE LIKE GOD DAMN I JUST WANT ONE TRIBAL WHERE MY NAME IS JUST NOT SAID AND I CAN LIVE I DONT FRIGGEN DO ANYTHING LIKE I JUST CHILL AND THEN EVENTUALLY SOMEONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO AND I DO IT BC IDK SURVIVOR I JUST DO IT TO MEET PEOPLE AND TRY TO GET SNAP STREAKS IM SO ????????????? i just need 2 go back to what im good at tbh and thats bb idk whats going on ever in survivors idk whats going on this game richie said he was gonna play his idol on me bc ppl were saying me and then i said ppl have been saying him and im just ???? i love lies and deception and being at the bottom >.< >.> <.< <.> ok rant over im ready to die if i do die at tribal

#beware the frozen heart #survivor storybook