#but i needed to vent

[perfectlyvalid49]

On being Jewish, and traumatized (It’s been 5 months and I want to talk):

Judaism is a joyous religion. So much of our daily practice is to focus us on the things that are good. I know that there’s a joke that all our holidays can be summed up as “they tried to kill us. We survived – let’s eat!”, and you might think that holidays focused on attempts at killing us might be somber, but they’re really not. Most are celebrated in the sense of, “we’re still here, let’s have a party!” When I think about practicing Judaism, the things I think about make me happy.

But I think a lot of non-Jews don’t necessarily see Judaism the same way. I think in part it’s because we do like to kvetch, but I think a lot of it is because from the outside it’s harder to see the joy, and very easy to see the long history of suffering that has been enacted on the Jewish people. From the inside, it’s very much, “we’re still here, let’s party” and from the outside it’s, “how many times have they tried to kill you? Why are you celebrating? They tried to KILL YOU!”

And I want to start with that because a lot of the rest of this is going to be negative. And I don’t want people to read it and wonder why I still want to be Jewish. I want to be Jewish because it makes me happy. My problem isn’t with being Jewish, it’s with how Jews are treated.

What I really wanted to write about is being Jewish and the trauma that’s involved with that right now.

First, I want to talk about Israeli Jews. I can’t say much here because I’m not Israeli, nor do I have any close friends or family that are Israeli. But if I’m going to be talking about the trauma Jews are experiencing right now, I can’t not mention the fact that Israeli Jews (and Israelis that aren’t Jewish as well, but that’s not my focus here) are dealing with massive amounts of it right now. It’s a tiny country – virtually everyone has a friend or family member that was killed or kidnapped, or knows someone who does. Thousands of rockets have been fired at Israel in the last few months – think about the fact that the Iron Dome exists and why it needs to. Terror attacks are ongoing; I feel like there’s been at least one every week since October. Thousands of people are displaced from their homes, either because of the rocket fire, or because their homes and communities were physically destroyed in the largest pogrom in recent history – the deadliest single day for Jews since the Holocaust ended. If that’s not trauma inducing, I don’t know what is.

And there is, of course, the generational trauma. And I think Jewish generational trauma is interesting because it’s so layered. Because it’s not just the result of one trauma passed down through the generations. Every 50-100 years, antisemitism intensifies, and so very frequently the people experiencing a traumatic event were already suffering from the generational trauma that their grandparents or great grandparents lived through. And those elders were holding the generational trauma from the time before that. And so on.

And because it happens so regularly, there’s always someone in the community that remembers the last time. We are never allowed the luxury of imagining that we are safe. We know what happened before, and we know that it happened again and again and again. And so we know that it only makes sense to assume it will happen in the future. The trauma response is valid. I live in America because my great grandparents lived in Russia and they knew when it was time to get the hell out in the 1900s. And the reason they knew that is because their grandparents remembered the results of the blood libels in the 1850s. How can we heal when the scar tissue keeps us safe?

I look around now and wonder if we’ll need to run. We have a plan. I repeat, my family has a plan for what to do if we need to flee the country due to religious persecution. How can that possibly be normal? And yet, all the Jewish families I know have similar plans. It is normal if you’re Jewish. Every once in a while I see someone who isn’t Jewish talk about making plans to leave because they’re LGBTQ or some other minority and the question always seems to be, “should I make a plan?” It astounds me every time. The Jewish answer is that you need to have a plan and the only question is, “when should I act?” Sometimes our Jewish friends discuss it at play dates. Where will you go? What are the triggers to leave? No one wants to go any earlier then they have to. Everyone knows what the price of holding off too long might be.

I want to keep my children safe. When do I induct them into the club? When do I let my sweet, innocent kids know that some people will hate them for being Jewish? When do I teach them the skills my parents and grandparents taught me? How to pass as white, how to pass as Christian, knowing when to keep your mouth shut about what you believe. When do I tell them about the Holocaust and teach them the game “would this person hide me?” How hard do I have to work to remind them that while you want to believe that a person would hide you, statistically, most people you know would not have? Who is this more traumatic for? Them, to learn that there is hatred in the world and it is directed at them, or me, to have to drive some of the innocence out of my own children’s eyes in order to make sure they are prepared to meet the reality of the world?

And the reality of the world is that it is FULL of antisemitism. There’s a lot of…I guess I’d call it mild antisemitism that’s always present that you just kinda learn to ignore. It’s the sort of stuff that non-Jews might not even recognize as antisemitic until you explain it to them, just little micro-aggressions that you do your best to ignore because you know that the people doing it don’t necessarily mean it, it’s just the culture we live in. It can still hurt though. I like to compare it to a bruise: you can mostly ignore it, but every once in a while something (more blatant antisemitism) will put a bit to much pressure on it and you remember that you were already hurting this whole time.

On top of the background antisemitism, there’s more intense stuff. And usually the most intense, mask off antisemitism comes from the right. This makes sense, in that a lot of right politics are essentially about hating the “other” and what are Jews if not Western civilizations oldest type of “other”? On the one hand, I’ve always been fortunate enough to live in relatively liberal areas so this sort of antisemitism has felt far away and impersonal – they hate everybody, and I’m just part of everybody. On the other hand, until recently I’ve always considered this the most dangerous source of antisemitism. This is the antisemitism that leads to hate crimes, that leads to synagogue shootings. This is the reason why my synagogue is built so that there is a long driveway before you can even see the building, and that driveway is filled with police on the high holidays. This is the reason why my husband and I were scared to hang a mezuzah in our first apartment (and second, and third). For a long time, this was the antisemitism that made me afraid.

But the left has a problem with antisemitism too. And it has always been there. Where the right hates the “other”, the left hates the “privileged/elite/oppressors.” It’s the exact same thing, just dressed up with different words. They all mean “other” and “other” means “Jew.” It hurts more coming from the left though. A lot of Jewish philosophy leans left. A lot of Jews lean left. So when the left decides to hate us, it isn’t a random stranger, it’s a friend, and it feels like a betrayal.

One of the people I follow works for Yad Vashem, and a few weeks ago she mentioned a video they have with testimonies from people who came to Israel after Kristallnacht, with an unofficial title of “The blow came from within.” The idea is that to non-German Jews, the Holocaust was something done by strangers. It was still terrible, but it is easier to bear the hate of a stranger – it’s not personal. But to German Jews, the Holocaust was a betrayal. It wasn’t done by strangers, it was done by coworkers, and neighbors and people they thought were friends. It was done by people who knew them, and still looked at them and said, “less than human.” And because of this sense of betrayal, German survivors, or Germans who managed to get out before they got rounded up, had a very different experience than other Holocaust victims.

And I feel like a lot of left leaning Jews are having a similar experience now. People that we’ve marched with or organized with, or even just mutuals that we’ve thought of as friends are now going on about how Jews are evil. They repeat antisemitic talking points from the Nazis and from the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and when we point out that those ideas have only led to Jewish death in the past they don’t care. And if someone you thought of as a friend thinks of you this way, what do you think a stranger might think? Might do?

The Jews are fucking terrified. I’ve seen a post going around that basically wonders if this was what it was like for our ancestors – when things got bad enough to see what was coming but before it was too late to run? And we can see what’s coming. History tells us that they way people are talking and acting only leads to one place. I’m a millennial – when I was a kid the grandparents at my synagogue made sure the kids knew – this is what it looked like before, this is what you need to watch out for, this is when you need to run. I wonder where to run to. It feels like nowhere is safe.

I feel like I’ve been lucky in all this. I don’t live in Israel. I have family and acquaintances who do, but no one I’m particularly close to. Everyone I know in real life has either been sane or at least silent about all of this (the internet has been significantly worse, but when it comes to hate, the internet is always worse). I live in a relatively liberal area – there’s always been antisemitism around anyway, but it’s mostly just been swastikas on flyers, or people advocating for BDS, not anything that’s made me actually worry for my safety. But in the last 5 months there have been bomb threats at my synagogue, and just last week a kid got beat up for being Jewish at our local high school. He doesn’t want to report it. He’s worried it will make it worse.

I bought a Magen David to wear in November. At the time it seemed like the best way to fight antisemitism was to be visibly Jewish, to show that we’re just normal people like everyone else. Plus, I figured that if me being Jewish was going to be a problem for someone, then I would make it a problem right away and not waste time. I’ve worn it almost constantly since, but the one time I took it off was when I burnt my finger in December and had to go to urgent care. I didn’t think about it too much when I did it, but I thought about it for a long time after – I didn’t feel good about having made that choice.

The conclusion I came to is that the training that my elders had been so careful to instill in me kicked in. I was hurt, and scared, and the voice inside my head that sounds like my grandmother said, “don’t give them a reason to be bad to you. Fight when you’re well, but for now – survive.” It still felt cowardly, but it was also a connection to my ancestors who heeded the same voice well enough to survive. And it enrages me that that voice has been necessary in the past. And it enrages me that things are bad enough now that my instinct is that I need to hide who I am to receive appropriate medical care.

I wish I had some sort of final thought to tie this all together other than, “this sucks and I hate it,” but I really don’t. I could call for people to examine their antisemitic biases, but I’m not foolish enough to think that this will reach the people who need to do so. I could wish for a future where everything I’ve talked about here exists only in history books, and the Jewish experience is no longer tied to feeling this pain, but that’s basically wishing for the moshiach, and I’m not going to hold my breath.

I guess I’ll end it with the thought that through all of this hate and pain and fear, we’re still here. And we’re still joyful as well. As much as so many people have tried over literally THOUSANDS of years to eradicate us, I’m still here, I’m still Jewish, and being Jewish still makes me happy.

Am Yisrael Chai.

#antisemitism #judaism #venting #jumblr #long post #I'm not kidding it's like 2300 words #and it's a rambling mess #but i needed to vent #so help me god #if you show up in the notes and are being antisemitic I WILL find you and I WILL bite you

[anaalnathrakhs]

it fucking breaks my heart i've been killing myself for months trying to repair my relationship w my parents and the three of us are just fucking deficient human beings. we're incapable of changing we're fucking incapable of it there's no going back everything was set from the moment i was born. they never should've had a child, but what the fuck could i blame on them? once the kid is here you just do your best you can't just decide it was a bad idea and get rid of it. they did their best. there's no good way to deal with a fucked up child. but holy fuck i wish i wasnt just idk born wrong. i wish life didn't suck and wasn't so hard. i wish when my mom said she'd take more time for family and relaxing she didn't go back to working until 8pm at least every day in the following month, but there's realities pushing her to. i wish when we saw each other we had things to do rather than just stare at each other awkwardly. i can't ever do anything because everything impacts my parents. and god knows i owe them to stop impacting them so much i did enough shit already. i can't enjoy a trip out with them because then we go home and it's MORE incredibly unsatisfactory socializing and forced eating lest they look at me like a monster. i can't leave because then it's WE leave not I leave. i can't just live my life after school because i have to be back to have the terrible binge-inducing dinner with them else i'm a fucking monster who makes them stay awake and worry at night. i have to make them aware of my every move because else they're gonna worry, i can't do that to them i have no valid reason to. i can't ever relax. i have no safe place anymore. there's always food in the house, we always have to go grocery shopping the same day and fill up the pantry. i can't buy anything substantial or component of a "normal" meal because then they just sit there while my mom never uses them despite knowing about them the whole time. there's been bricks of soup in the pantry for like two months she hasn't even MENTIONNED CONSIDERING THEM for the whole time. we bought, and i mean WE bought, WE took a couple canned vegetables from the shelves and we said good idea and we put them in the cart, and then she NEVER used them until i desperately broke the agreement that i was not to have control over what's for dinner and suggested we could perhaps maybe eat the food we had bought to eat, and she was like yeah sure great idea! we ate one can, and then for WEEKS afterwards we still don't touch any of the other cans. she keeps adding and adding and adding a billion things to every meal it makes me wanna rope. she keeps putting huge slabs of butter in pasta MOTHER it tastes the same except it's gross and five billion calories now can you stop doing that thanks. i've had my parents pretty much at my will for many many things all of my life, because they're completely floating in the meaningless void on what it means to be a parent, and it's just not healthy in ways i cannot possibly wholly imagine, and now we're stuck in some sort of circle that if i don't DEMAND something it's like i never said anything. but i can't DEMAND things because that is not a control a kid should have over their own parents and there's no nuance of possible things it's either they'll bend over backwards for even the most ill-advised demand or they will not budge an inch for the most structured three-parted argument doubled with the plead of my failing mental health even if it has demonstrably not worked before, and i certainly do not want to have a relationship with ANYONE where they feel forced to act a certain way because of me. and it's been so weird having developped this kind of very marked independance on like, DRIVE, while i was a neet, that now that i'm older and more legitimate to slowly leave the nest it feels incredibly weird and bad to entrap myself more closely instead.

so i keep trying to give them the elements of what consequences this or that thing has on me, and letting them evaluate themselves what they value, and so far the result has been that they don't give a shit about making me suffer, and they're completely cool with watching me act like i'm coked up in public bc i'm in pain or about to jump out of my skin in fearful anticipation of the next meal. i can handle myself all day and literally just ramble a little under my breath when we're going home at 9pm because it helps with the pain, and they're like "WHAT NOW we say something and you start sighing, what the hell did we do wrong this time??" which i guess is their genuine answer to the situation so i got what i wanted, i didn't control their reactions, but i guess it's pretty disappointing anyway.

and i can't really tell them because hey, how is that conversation gonna go? mom, dad, living with you is unbearable, all of my life you've done nothing but hurt me despite your best loving intentions, and i honestly don't think we're ever gonna fully repair that. cheers. i can't fucking do that to them. i've been the worst child to deal with my entire life i can't do that i just have to hold on until i move out anyway. it itches SO BAD to hurt them to blame them to throw every nasty thing i've ever wanted to yell at them to push them down the stairs and run away in the middle of the night. but i can't because they've done their best. genuinely. i wouldn't have handled it better if i had to parent kid-me. i don't think there's any right answer to a situation like that. i just can't wait until i can live for myself and not for walking around eggshells being the normal kid my parents never got to have now that i can force myself to. it feels like i try my best to give them respect and foster a good mutually-trusting relationship with them, and they don't give back anything different in return. and i do think part of that is that i'm WAAAAAY too in my own head about it and i have massive "nobody is allowed in the kitchen when i'm there" syndrome except my entire existence is the kitchen and anything i do besides "staying the usual unshowered neet disappointment in my room" being seen by my parents feels to me like if walking around naked in public. like how people ask out as a joke, like HA you really believe you could be more than a depressed piece of shit, but you're really nothing more than a pathetic failure barely keeping up the mask of a normal person. and that is totally my responsability to deal with except idk seems like every time i step out it turns out to be a disaster. and the coming down is even harsher, having to turn back into some featureless zombie picking and choosing what interests are undisruptive and inoffensive enough for me to tell my parents about it. i havent even managed to try to get into a sport club because the thought of my parents knowing this and that about my schedule and knowing i do sports and what sports i do and perhaps asking about it just makes my skin crawl. and i can't be spending their money, and i don't have a job, so.

they wont leave me the hell alone, and i can't refuse else i just become defined by my avoidance of them. it's rotting in my bed without any of the recharging. i don't fucking want to eat dinner with them, but else WHAT DO I DO? the kitchen is upstairs, upstairs is where they are, especially during dinner time but also they can hear i'm there if they're awake at home. and i owe them to spend that time bonding w them since we never did, and it's pretty much the only time my mom is home. i don't want to go with them to random events i don't really care about, because they're unenjoyable anyway since they're followed by MORE proximity and shit, but i kinda have to because i owe them that after i was nothing but a fucking emotional leech for my entire life, and also if i don't go to these events with them i go NOWHERE, cf the problem with my parents seeing anything about me mentionned above.

you might notice i've been saying "they" the whole time, rest assured, i mean my mom, or the united parental authority driven by my mom. i barely even have a dad anyway, i have a guy who lives in the same house and comes when my mom calls family reunion time, but spends his entire time every day following his own intellectual pursuits while floating through every actualy physical situation he's in. he barely listens. he barely reacts. he's not stupid or wholly incompetent, he functions alone pretty well, but in most situations in life he just stands to the side and goes "damn" whenever anything would require a reaction. i'm not really sure he fully realizes (or cares) that his actions impact other people. it scares me to be like him. i know how similar i am to him, and i really really hope i don't end up hurting anyone by being like that.

#vent #ed tw #broadcasting my misery #i can't stand not posting this bc i am fucking STARVED for feeling seen and understood #but dw guys it's cool if you have something to say but don't feel obligated it's already nice to know that hypothetically this is being rea #genuinely it does help #just knowing someone COULD read this #im going to try to find compromises and make this shit easier on both me and my parents #i swear #but i needed to vent

[kcuf-ad]

I don't think I can go tomorrow at the funeral, I just, I broke down just by seeing his photo on bulletboard in my town and I am afraid of going there, but I Can't even think about not going there as I am afraid of not seeing him for the last time, but if I see him I will break down and I just-

I do not know, man.

I don't know.

#vent #i am in tears just by posting this #i miss you grandpa #i am sorry I never said goodbye #i am sorry if this is personal #but i needed to vent

[thejellycat]

I try not to get mad when people interpret shows differently than me or that they have different feelings about writing/pacing/etc, but I do get mad when people show emotional depth so shallow I couldn't drown in it face down and that some people aren't taught how to take a piece of media apart and look at it through different lenses and that we've become so used to shows and movies and even books that are designed not for quality but to rake in cash that people no longer feel safe trusting an author/director/actor/etc to make choices that are true to character and true to theme. so now people see writing decisions that they don't necessarily agree with at first glance and immediately think this is garbage and awful and they ruined it, how dare they.

like babygirl I am begging you, take a second and ask yourself a few things.

are you mad about this because it genuinely feels out of place or because it isn't what you wanted to be feeling? (that last part is important: how you wanted this to make you feel often colors your interpretations, especially when it comes to favorite or comfort media.)

are you considering this through your own perceptions and experiences, or through what the characters have been shown to have experienced? (separate the things you have learned through your life experiences vs what this character would have learned through theirs, including the negative things.)

has this author/director/platform/etc previously demonstrated an inconsistency in characterization or theme? (sometimes a show really does have shitty characterization, but if the writer/studio/whatever is solid, you have to trust that there is a reason and that you can find it if you look.)

how are you feeling in general while reading/watching? (I often find my own mood affects how I interpret a story. for example, something that seems choppy or unclear can be much less so on a second watch a few days later.)

#laura talks #i am begging you i am on my hands and knees pl e a se #media literacy #i know this wont go anywhere on my tiny corner of the internet #but i needed to vent

[midnightmah07]

Good morning where is Kalim Al Asim when I need him

#💙! mah rambles #im ✨ overwhelmed and tired✨ once again #ill get over it #but i needed to vent #anyway #have a good day🤝🏻

[loud-fandom-thoughts]

The Harry potter books taught me that doing/saying bad things is only bad if bad characters are doing/saying it to good characters.

But if a good character is saying/doing bad things to a bad person then it’s OK.

Draco (other Slytherins?) making fun of Molly’s and Neville’s weight? Treated with the distaste it deserves and serves to show Draco as a nasty person. Harry, the Weasley twins, Hagrid making fun of Dudley’s weight is for comedy.

Slytherins/dark wizards/etc being prejudiced and hating certain kinds of people? Evil. No one should be them. Gryffindors/non Slytherins/good guys being prejudiced? Heroes.

Draco - coward for attacking being Harry’s back and getting turned into a ferret. Harry’s friends attacking Draco, Crabbe and Goyle on the train without warning - just desserts,

Ron - Leaves Harry and Hermione during the horcrux hunt. Forgiven as it was part of the lockets fault. Pansy - Gives up Harry to Voldemort because she was scared girl. Her and all Slytherins sent to be locked up in the dungeons.

Draco - makes fun of Ron Harry - decides not to be Draco’s friend. Ron- makes fun of Draco Harry - bffs 4eva.

You could probably make an entire book based on all the hypocrisy of jkr’s series.

#Anti Harry Potter #anti jkr #anti jk rowling #anyway there's more important reasons to hate jkr #but i needed to vent

[hajidumps]

Cale didn't hate Basen. He always was good at hiding his true intentions. Cale had always cared for Basen.

.

When Cale had first met Basen, he knew to himself - he remembered his mother. Cale knew that he had too big of a heart to not care for the shy young boy. Basen looked too much like father. And maybe that's why he decided to hide his true feelings and cared for him secretly.

.

As they grew up, Cale had sacrificed more than he could count. People wouldn't call it sacrifices though, they would call it foolish - a bastards action. He knew how Basen had hurt when people talked about him. (He didn't know Basen was hurt by the thought that he hated him rather than the rumors about him being a bastard son.)

.

Cale had always been a good liar. He had created a facade better than a fool with a stage.

.

Here's the truth. Cale had always been hurting but he had grown numb. He was used to it. He had cried enough for a lifetime in his mothers grave.

.

Heres the truth, Cale cannot cry anymore. When Basen died, when his brother died. When another one of his family died again - he knew he had no luxury to cry and grieve.

.

Here's the secret, Cale had cried burying those he loves in a place that had always felt like home even though he was not welcome.

.

(Cale had always wanted to exchange sweet words with his family. He had said the words but no reply was heard, the silence was deafening. Enough for him to not notice his tears.)

.

Cale had always wanted to care freely but like always he had no chance to actually care for people. They didn't give him a chance (He was too much of a coward - like father)

#trash of the count's family #cale henituse #og!cale henituse #tcf angst #badly written #but i needed to vent #Cale had always been great wearing a mask and hiding his true intent #Cale had always let peopls assume because he knew in himself that no one would believe his words #he made it that way #the henituse is better without a red in their portrait anyways

[amara-among-the-stars]

Yes thank you coworker for calling lazy and useless. Ive had to do 17 audits and sort through our truck, pull our queue that reached 199 and help customers find stuff While you've been on your phone and have ignored customers.

Dont fucking tell me I'm lazy when I have done a lot of shit today.

#chi rants #sorry gang #but i needed to vent #i'm annoyed #im overstimulated #im tired #and i want to sleep for 100000000 years #why is it hard to do your actual job

[pedropascalsx]

i paid £7.99 for special 1pm shipping for my new vibrator sucky thing and it didn’t arrive which would be fine but it was to replace the one i ordered that arrived yesterday with the battery holder broken 🥴🥴🥴

no one needs to know this but i’m depressed over it and my old faithful died last week.

i am too single for this shit!!!

#this is tmi #y’all don’t need to read this #but i NEEDED to vent #amazon prime delivery tomorrow don’t fail me baby girl

[bythelightofcamelot]

I remember when shipping used to be fun. I'd see two characters in whatever piece of media I liked and just invent stories for them, flesh out the world, come up with new concepts. I was happy and I was content. I could never imagine that people existed who would all but put me on trial for pairing up fictional people. And I am just so exhausted from the mental strain caused by it, so sick of that part of me that wants desparately to please people at the cost of my own comfort.

Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing is ever pure enough. Cassarian is wrong despite the fact that I only ship them when they are adults (and do not support doing so otherwise), Hansanna is wrong even though I adore the idea of him realizing that what he did was not right and working to change himself, PhillipCamila is wrong regardless of me loving the idea of him being a good father to Luz and doting on his wife, SolarTwi is wrong even if the thought of a noble king and his queen sharing affectionate nuzzles warms my heart, the list goes on.

Dragging the weight of others' expectations around is too much.

I want to feel safe again.

I want to feel loved again.

I want to feel welcome again.

#Cassarian #Hansanna #Lord Solaris #Emperor Belos #Phillip Wittebane #I usually try to stay away from shipping dram #but I needed to vent

[loveotomization]

My smoking hot take is that rates of severe depression and people fatally harming themselves in rural areas would vastly improve if organizations (such as libraries, etc) would host groups and clubs that permit adults.

Adults are *forbidden* from most recurring events out in deep rurals areas, and that needs to change.

The events we are allowed to, are often 'bring the kiddos!' events that are not friendly for child-free adults.

#i know none of you are from rural areas #so i'm wasting my time #but i needed to vent #rural culture is incredibly toxic

[hellfire--cult]

I wrote a fic that I thought would do very well. Only 20 people liked it, maybe 1 reblog. It is severely disheartening, like I didnt post it for likes or anything, but I was so excited for this idea and to have no one enjoy it?

It makes me not want to write. Especially when I see these blogs immediately share their friends posts that they haven't even read, meanwhile barely anyone shares mine.

I imagine its just as frustrating for you. I love your writing and am a huge fan, I think your work deserves more notes

I understand that pain.

It was actually Run Rabbit Run the reason why my love for writing declined. Not even a month went by and in just a week I felt disheartened because... I just compared it to other people's works.

I put my soul into writing this part, people hyped me about it, friends too,everyone seemed excited about it, I EVEN COMMISSIONED someone because i had commissioned Eddie for Bunny Bunny Bunny so I saw fitting to commission for Steve as well.

I was really excited for it, and it just hurts to see something you were so pumped about and that you think you wrote well be disregarded in such a way.

I know notes do not matter, and THEY DON'T, but there's always that psychological part in your brain that always goes and stabs you anyways.

I am trying to not let it affect me. It's hard, and it sucks, but maybe it just has to reach the right audience. Maybe it's the theme, maybe its the words, maybe its the idea, the banner, everything has to do with catching people's attentions, but we will never know.

I appreaciate you for sending a message like this, I am not going to hide and say that I don't care about notes when I absolutely do, but I am not driven by it.

I do not write stuff people expect me to write. I don't write for the notes specifically. I still write things I WANT to write, I still have ideas of my own, always trying to make it a little different from what it is normally seen everyday.

I do appreciate everyone that actually interacts with my work, and my friends that do boost it up.

I hope the same thing occurs to you love, just keep writing because you want to, not because you need to. ❤

#roe answers #oops #i went off #but i needed to vent #roe rants #i guess

[infisonicosm]

Being transparent I hate those fanfic asks bc I always get my feelings hurt when I’m not included in anyone’s recommendations. And I feel bad for other writers who are always left out as well.

#this feels whiny i’m sorry #i’ll probably end up deleting this #but i needed to vent

[danaty-consolation]

This gives me complicated feelings....

I know RTL is a complicated thing, with Rumic world crossovers and another 3 different franchises together. However, I been trying my best in writing them because I love all these characters.

And this story means a lot to me since is a rewrite of an old work. Also is hard to write and it consumes time, sometimes you aren't inspired but still try your best.

My asks are open to questions and I answered a similar one from the first two reviews.

Fanfiction and Archive of our own are open for you to write the fic you're writing. Your own story can be in a separate link in your own work, not in other people's stories in form of reviews.

Because it hurts, to see the only reviews on my fic in fanfiction net being about something unrelated to the story, and even discouraging. If I didn't have people who support me in this story like @artistefish , @darlingthebaka , @oreozfox , the anon that sent me that lovely message here in tumblr and people that been liking my Reasons to live art I could have erased this story after all these "reviews" and given up on it.

Recently I posted chapter 3 of RTL after a while of not writing seriously for me thanks to college and seeing the review of it in ff.net being lines unrelated to it and being part of a story that a person has been creating on the "reviews" of my story.

That is really disrespectful to me because I don't mind people writing stories, after all I write them. Just not in my "review" section on my story or any other, because I get excited in thinking people will like this story and tell me what they think just to find something unrelated to it or spam.

Sorry, just needed to vent. I will continue writing RTL. Right now tho, I just feel bumped out and sad, I will get over it for sure but ugh. Right now I am just sad.

#fanfiction net #maybe gonna delete this post in the future since it has some negativity and I like to keep my blog as positive as I can #but I needed to vent

[akmu]

life update no one asked for

so i can (more like going to) lose someone soon bc life is a bi...and death is a big probability. and it's gonna be hurt so much bc it has to, i can't do anything about it. aside that, i took a big decision this week and good things are happening awful things are happening i'm very excited yet so terrified it could go so, so wrong or maybe too good. it's gonna suck but it's gonna be worth

#liz speaks #also i will be unemployed for a few months #which sucks #bc i already hate the fact i feel awful #for choosing that #but it's okay #it's has to #god i already talked about this with all my family and my therapist (+ other doctors) #but i needed to vent #i wish someone hugged me without asking me if im okay #just for a moment #death talk

[gloxerynizzdedd]

Hi:)

So um, this is kinda embarrassing but I need you guys' help on this one.

The past year has been much of a rollercoaster ride for me, I got shitload of experiences all at once. So now I'm nothing but just a paranoid with lots of overthinking and trust issues :')

The thing is, there's this one guy who likes me, nono "loves" me, we are in a situationship currently and i kinda want to reciprocate the feeling, but, in the past a lot has happened due to which I have changed like A LOT.

Earlier, I used to be the kind of person who would go to extreme limits to express my feelings for someone, i would write long ass paragraphs, make playlists, provide all kinds of emotional availability and what not but all in vain because the other person just wouldn't reciprocate, you know back then I just wanted to be treated the same way I treat them but nothing worked, the one sided thing felt kinda exhausting and I would get frustrated often. You know this actually feels kinda confusing because the other person would give mixed signals, like one moment they're all caring, appreciating and treating me differently as if I'm special but the next moment the complete opposite. So I tried moving on to another person so that I could get over my apparent *crush* (lmao) and we never got to clear things between us :') idk but after that i was so worn-out for some reason and had a hard time praising or appreciating someone :')

Moving on to the next person, they didn't send any kind of mixed signals and actually felt like a green flag. I thought we would get along well but later on they started being kinda weird. I realised later on that it was like a *parasitic thing* (I really don't know what else to call it) which made me feel even worse because everything was so fake. I got serious trust issues after this one and meanwhile my friend group fell apart due to some misunderstandings, that made everything even worse.

Because of these, I don't think I would ever be able to even like someone normally:')

So I really don't know what to feel about the person with whom I'm in a situationship currently :') i am having all sorts of mixed feelings about this one and unsure about everything. I am afraid that the other person might fall out of love soon because of me but I honestly don't want something like this to happen because, this may be weird because I have never felt like this before but they really seem genuine about everything (idk most of my life decisions are based on assumptions like these lmao) and I have a gut feeling that this might work out but I am not sure if they can be patient with me, I need to take my time to get over my past and want to love them without any hesitation. So currently my mind is a mess T_T

Thanks for reading the whole shit:')

#thanks #i love yall #lookism #Why do I keep putting pointless tags haha:') #I feel like an attention seeker lol #but i needed to vent #:') yeah #still #thanks a bunch #webtoon #i can't help it #t t