#but am i a terrible person for not remembering? terrible for being glad im out and no longer with her?

[scarlettsandmaroons]

she is midnight rain | n. romanoff

about me | series masterlist | natasha romanoff masterlist

pairing: professor!natasha romanoff x collegestudent!reader

chapter one | chapter two: she doesn't think of me

chapter summary: you just learned that your soon-to-be professor is straight up terrible. and in an attempt to drop out of her class, you instead became the target of her humiliation. you just knew you will hate her as she will you.

warnings: evident mommy issues (not really into depth)

a/n: im very excited to write this series (that's a lie, i'm only excited about the smutty parts, the beginning, not so much). will be trying to post an update every other day ꒰ ⸝⸝ɞ̴̶̷ ·̮ ɞ̴̶̷⸝⸝꒱

for all your years in high school, and the very few months you had before college, you didn't have a plan. you didn't know where you wanted to go. you didn't know what you wanted to take. there were too many choices. or maybe there's barely any. you just couldn't choose for yourself, you couldn't decide.

when you don't have a mother or in your case, when you have a mother who chose her boyfriend over you, you don't really have anyone telling you what to do, where to go. and maybe some people would love the same freedom that you had, but with that freedom was misguidance. you had nobody to help you choose, nobody to guide you, to teach you, to tell you what's best for you. you have to decide all that.

but when nobody told you what was best, what was the standard for best, how could you possibly have known. how could a child understand what was best for her when she was taught nothing about the sort.

you didn't know what you wanted, and your best judgement told you to trust in your friend and follow billy maximoff. he was your bestfriend. your other half. the only person you can confide in. you knew that you had to study where he would. you couldn't possibly survive on your own. you needed him to guide you. to tell you what to do. to protect you.

"you're in mrs. romanoff's class."

you were snapped out of your thoughts. you've been staring at the field the entire time. at the massive open field between the campus and the gate. you didn't know how long you've been here, for a moment, you didn't even remember billy being in front of you holding your class schedule.

"y/n, yoo-hoo. are you okay?" billy waved a hand in front of you. "what are you thinking?"

you sighed, "i can't believe i'm in college now and i still don't know what to do." you said, looking over billy's shoulder and getting once again lost in your own head. "how am i going to survive..."

"well, i'll survive." he said proudly, earning back your attention. you almost scowled at him for being a show-off. but he smiled at you. a soft reassuring smile. "i'll survive for the both of us." he said.

your heart fluttered a little. you didn't have a mom. or a dad. or siblings. but you had a family. you had billy.

"i know what i'm going to be. i have a plan. and while you don't have any for yourself, i'll carry you." he says.

you looked at your watch. freshman orientation is in a few, and seeing your attention on the clock sent billy the hint that you both should get going. nevertheless, your conversation didn't end as you both walked into the campus.

"how will you carry me?" you mused, not returning the same sentiment he sent you as you simply humored his words.

he held the straps of his bagpack. "mmmm..." he started thinking, "i'll get a job as soon as we graduate. you can stay with me and my parents until i get my own place which i'd be glad to share with you." he says. "that way, you can finally move out from your mum's house."

"that's... very free-loader of me." you chuckled, visualizing the life you'd share with your friend.

"well, you're my free-loader." he looks at you all giddy. "that's what friends do, right?"

you sighed, "yeah."

billy never had a good relationship with his twin brother, tommy. tommy decided to stay with his father after their parents got a divorce. billy on the other hand, stayed with his mother as she remarried.

you've never met mrs. maximoff's new husband. in fact, it's been a really long time since you'd seen billy's mom. the last time you saw her, she had some sort of a 50s haircut. from what your bestfriend tells you, she went through quite a few hair phases from a shoulder length side part to a long-haired rebonded look. at some point, you know she went crazy and got a full head of tight blonde curls. that was her, "going through a hard time with my husband so i must do something so incredibly different with my hair" hair. she went back to the normal big curls, fluffy airburn hair after she remarried though.

that's how close you were with billy. you were his sister, almost. you knew everything about him. even about his mother's haircuts half of which you're sad you weren't around to see.

"mr. stark's coming by for the orientation, did you know that?"

you looked at billy. "the rich guy who owns stark industries?"

"yeah. he's a friend of my moms and dad's."

"no way?!" you all but gasped. you did coo in shock a bit, looking at him with widened eyes. "damn, it must be nice to be connected to him." you say, your mind going on to imagine what your life would be if you were as rich as him. or even connected to him. then you wouldn't have to think about all the important decisions you need to make.

"he's connected to a lot of the professors here." billy mentions. "mr. rogers, mr. banner, mr. barton. but he's closest to mrs. romanoff. they're best friends." he looks at his watch. "i think he's here for the engineering department though. he's funding them lots."

"mrs. romanoff?" you ask, complete disregarding his following statement.

"he's the reason why mrs. romanoff met my parents." he says.

"i'm in her class right?"

you haven't taken a look at your timetable yet because billy has held onto it since it was given to you. eyeing all the names of your professors and giving you some kind of commentary about them. he knows a lot about them. mrs. maximoff used to be a professor here, and for the entirety of high school, billy frequented this very campus.

"yeah." he scoffed. "good luck."

"why? is she mean?"

"terribly." he says. "she's nice, but as your professor? she'll eat you alive."

you were in two of mrs. romanoff's classes, unfortunately for you. you had her in english literature, and business economics. and until classes had officially begun two days after your orientation, stories of how horrible she is; from how she failed more than half of the total students she's had in her lifetime, to how much she enjoys either suspending, or expelling her students over the littlest inconveniences became the center of all your conversations with billy. for someone who knows a lot about her, you wish he had gotten her instead of you. now the dreading fear of seeing her live up to your horrible expectations of her with you is just crippling.

"i'm dropping out of mrs. romanoff's classes." you blurt out during billy's long monologue of the stories he's heard about the professor.

he looked at you, "no! i didn't mean to scare you." he almost laughs. "she's actually really nice!"

you shot him a sharp glare. if he dares to defend mrs. romanoff after all the stories he's told, then he's better off shutting his mouth.

"yeah, no. too late."

there was a part of you that tugged at the idea of actually doing it. if there were something that stopped you, you would so give into it and drop it. you simply needed to know that you wanted to do—that you can do something about it so you can lie yourself into thinking that you have, this new life of yours, under control. and you were lucky enough to just serve into that purpose as you were unlucky enough to have stumbled upon a wooden door that had mrs. romanoff's name spelled out in gold letters.

natasha romanoff.

billy has been talking this entire time, explaining to you how mrs. romanoff could've been better than what he initially led you to believe. you've been taking mental notes but you haven't really been paying attention, so you only got, "she's the best professor here. constantly commended by the dean himself" and "her class is the hardest to get into. only the best of the best can get into it—"

you heard nothing further as you started fixating on how there was absolutely no way of telling if she was in as the massive window deemed useless with the blinds covering it. despite your efforts in trying to take even the smallest peak inside, no luck.

you can turn away. but you're here now. besides, not knowing whether or not she's in isn't really an inconvenience worth turning away from.

perseverance glinted your eyes. you weren't giving up. you put a hand on the handle, "y/n, no, she—", and you went in without hearing out billy, or even giving the chance for anyone to let you in.

you have to transfer out of her class before you have to go in it. as uncomfortable as this might be, it's this, or a whole year or more worth of wishing you got out when you could.

inside was a woman sitting at the desk just a few steps away from you. it was a relatively average sized room. it wasn't too small. not too cramped. but it wasn't too big either. not too empty. the walls of either sides were bookshelves. the back wall, a massive window overlooking the entire front of the school.

the woman lifted her head to see you, and immediately, you were taken aback by her... beauty. the features that are of the ordinary, but on its entirety, with all of it combined, created this image of the goddess sitting in front of you.

you melted. you pictured her to be an old woman, but now you see why everyone was so intimated by her. her simple gaze, and unmoving disinterest of your presence made you feel so small. to have such a gorgeous woman look at you like you didn't matter, exactly the way that she did you, is so intimidating. so belittling. yet, you were enamored. you were captured by her. she was just simply mesmerizing. satisfying.

she had red hair. massive curls that cascaded down her shoulders as if so intricately placed to look so neat and clean. she had a side part, though, it was barely noticeable as the part was a lot closer to the center than it should be for a side part. her eyes were so brightly... emerald. despite of the shadows created by the light behind her, it stayed so vibrant. like a gem. she had such a beautifully molded nose. and red lips. you wanted nothing else but to stare at her forever.

"i suggest you start saying something now, before this intrusion of yours becomes the reason why your time here ends."

her voice sent chills down your spine. you felt goosebumps. all the hair in your body rose. her voice was so terribly cold. she was composed, and calm. and had not a care in the world, especially you. the way she delivered it with such disinterest, almost in a condescending way made you feel so small. it gave you all the more reason to drop out.

she was looking up at you. her chin was resting at the back of her hand where she had a pen between her fingers.

she made your heart race in fear.

"i'm in your class." you take a deep breath. "i'd like to drop out."

you see the end of her lip twitch almost in amusement when her eyes dropped to the papers on her desk. she fixed her posture and started fixing the mess she had laid out. she did it so painfully slow as if you weren't there. but when she stood up, placing both of her hands on her desk, you knew she wasn't trying to torture you. the way the end of her lip raised into the slightest grin made you realize she was having her fun with you. like one of the students she'd amuse herself with first, embarrass, torture, belittle, before kicking out. almost like you were a toy. one of the many for her.

you gulped.

"tell me, miss y/f/n y/l/n. why do you want to drop out?" she asks, slowly going around her desk before she gestured to a chair in front of it—not to offer you a seat, but to require you to do as she wants, and sit down. "you haven't even seen me in class yet. i doubt you even had the chance to attend your very first class which you will soon miss if you continue to—waste, my, time."

you gulped again. something about the way she stares at you while she walks to the small table by the bookshelf where she had a few glasses and whiskey made your throat dry.

"i heard stories."

"i assure you, miss y/l/n," you flinched a bit when her glass hits the surface of her desk, later followed by her body dropping to her seat in the most elegant way. "whatever you heard is true."

goosebumps again. not good goosebumps. "please let me leave because i want to cry" goosebumps. her eyes were piercing through you, you can't imagine moving. to even relax your shoulder and somehow offending her with the slight movement is such horror for you.

she took a sip from her drink. before letting the glass hang barely by her fingertips as she leans closer to you, her chin resting once again on the back of her hand.

"how old are you?" she asks.

"i just turned 18." you answer quickly as if it would disappoint her if you waited a beat.

"what is something worth knowing about a y/f/n y/l/n?" you didn't notice the way your name rolled off her tongue. you didn't notice she knew your name this entire time. she said it with such grace. never had your name sounded so foreign. so new. so beautiful.

something about her was pulling you in. sucking you into her. and you weren't sure if it was the fear of getting kicked out, or just because of her sheer charms that made you blurt out every thinkable thing about you.

"i'm 18. i just turned 18." you started, taking a deep breath in and calming yourself down when you realized how quick you were talking. "i can't drive for the life of me. i hate milk. i'm plainly unhealthy. i don't drink vitamins. or eat an average amount of nutrients and meals in general. i'm nocturnal, i can't fall asleep at night. i love juice, soda, everything but water. i have a complicated relationship with my hair. i..." the realization stunned you. the realization that you were sitting in the office of who you heard was the strictest professor in this very university, telling her about the most absurd, uninteresting things about you, when you might just be on the very verge of getting kicked out of your bestfriend's dream university.

you calmed yourself down. you tried to rid yourself of the panic you resorted to burying deep deep down, you fixed your posture, cleared your throat, and in the most modulated voice that you can harness within yourself, you said, "i am ambitious, strong, independent—" that's a lie. "bright, optimistic, and persistent. and i really want to have the opportunity to begin my year in this university—" hopefully not in your class. "because i know that i have the exact amount of wit, and dedication this school is looking for in a student." i don't want to be in your class. "if given the opportunity to... in a different class wherein i can flourish."

"well," she says as if impressed. you stood up when she did, giving her a hopeful expression like that's going to boost your chances of getting out of her class without suffering the grave consequences she's known to give.

she moved around the table again, this time, moving slowly towards you. step by step. closer each passing second. and when the two of you were finally faced to face with each other without the desk between you, her small smirk dropped. "no." she says in a way that showed you how amused she was of putting your efforts of coming in here to waste without sounding anywhere besides stern.

"what?"

"i said no."

"no, what?" at this point, you were in distress. but you tried your best to hide it. you weren't very successful though. your voice raised, though you all but shouted.

her left hand rested on the surface of her desk when she leaned her hip against it, tipping her head slightly to the side, "look, miss y/l/n, i did not just waste all this time getting to know you and your... habits, just for you to drop out of my class."

her tone was unkind. she was cold, and stern. and she wanted nothing but to get her way. your attempts gave her mere amusement. she didn't acknowledge you, or your request, she just wanted to see the way your face would contort in shock when she declines you after letting you think your efforts would get you anywhere.

"but, mrs. romanoff—"

"BUT...! miss y/l/n—" she didn't shout, but the way she said it, the way her voice raised. you wanted to crawl into a cave and cry. especially with the way her eyes lingered on a little too long on yours before she looked away and returned to her seat. "i could so easily penalize you for entering my office with no permission." her tone was mad. graceful, elegant. calm and collected. but mad. "i would have you suspended if i didn't appreciate your... attempt, to even come inside my office, to speak to me and look me straight in the eye requesting me for something... you're gutsy. you could've used that in my class instead."

you weren't going to win.

today, you realized, that mrs. romanoff will always have the power. and if you can't handle that, then you're better of leaving the school.

she's dreadful. she's dark. she's the storm that angers the seas. and the rain at midnight. she is going to potentially ruin your chances of succeeding in this university—in life, and you will... hate her as you are now definitely sure she will you.

"i'll see you later."

you did see her later. a blissful 2 hours without her was replaced by dread when the moment you sat on the very back of the lecture hall, she came in. everyone stood before her, as if it were highschool, and you just went with it. just a mere clack of her high heeled shoes had everyone on their feet, their hands on their chest as if she was a goddess to be worshiped.

"good morning, everyone."

nobody spoke, it was mere silence after a beat of her greeting in which she gestured everyone to sit. you hid behind a tall man. the lecture hall was packed. although, there were a few empty seats up front.

"i'd like to begin today with..." she didn't have much with her. she only had a clipboard which she places on her desk. she took quite a while adjusting. but when she did; when she was leaning back on her seat, her legs elegantly crossed, where her hands rested on her knee, she looked straight ahead. and for a moment, you thought you can feel her eyes boring through the people you're hiding behind of and staring at you. "i have absolutely zero tolerance for any of your bullshit." all the calmness of her tone before was replaced by a sheer sharpness. "you either do as i say, exactly as i say it, or you leave this classroom. better yet, this school. are we clear?" she was stern. and you were scared. "now," she says with an exhale. "you at the back," you froze. "are we clear with that?"

#ath: natasha romanoff #ath: natasha romanoff series (wasn't midnight rain) #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff smut #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff x reader #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel fanfic #mcu #mcu fanfic #mcu imagine

[falcqns]

you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) chapter four

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins, Tim Bradford & Lucy Chen, background Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Lucy goes on her first date since taking in Tamara. Tim nearly loses his mind when she doesn’t show up for her first scheduled shift back on time.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, (eventually) autistic!Tamara, Tim Bradford would do anything for Lucy Chen, Lucy is a hardcore swiftie, Day Of Death (im so sorry) near death experience, kidnapping, hospitals, being buried alive, Caleb Wright, mentions of Rosalind Dyer, yknow the usual DOD warnings, 

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

A/n: im so sorry for this I hate this episode so much, but it is important to Lucy’s character development and who she is as a person and a cop and I don’t want to change that so we’re going to have to suffer through DOD together. I won’t be going into detail about Lucy’s POV, so I will be doing the majority of this chapter from Tim’s perspective. There’s a bit of a time jump (4 weeks) but not much has changed in Lucy and Tamara’s world. 

Tim yawned as he adjusted his badge as he walked out of the locker room. He glanced at Nolan and West standing by the door to Grey’s office, talking to him with concerned looks on their faces. Tim thought it was weird, but then he remembered that Lucy was coming back to work today, and he promptly forgot. He made his way to the break room and poured himself a black coffee into his travel mug, before leaving and heading into the break room. 

As he made his way down, he thought about Lucy and how excited he was for her to be back. The last5 4 weeks without her had been filled with nothing but silence and boredom. While Tim would never verbally admit it, he had missed Lucy. He missed her voice, how she ranted about things happening in her personal life, or about drama (or ‘tea’ as she called it) that was happening around the station. He missed the scent of her chai tea latte filling up the shop, he missed paying for that extra meal on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, his days to pay. He missed her immensely, more than he thought he would, and he was very glad that she was back. 

Before he could open the door and wait for her, however, he was summoned into Grey’s office. He wrinkled his eyebrows and followed Grey into his office. He grew even more confused when he walked in, and saw Nolan and West sitting there, both looking uneasy and scared. 

“Whats going on, sir?” Tim asked. 

Grey looked at Nolan, who swallowed, and then spoke. “Lucy did not come home last night. She is not responding to texts or calls.”

“Where did she go?” Tim asked, and Jackson spoke up next. 

“She went on a date. She was supposed to come to my apartment,” Jackson said, before side glancing at both Grey and Nolan. “She was going to spend the night with me and then we were going to come to work together, as I live closer. But when I woke up, she wasn’t there. Neither was her car, and I have been trying since 7:30 am to get a hold of her.”

Fear swirled in the bottom of Tim’s stomach. “Who did she go on a date with?” 

“C-Caleb Wright.” Nolan said. “With a ‘W’.” 

Tim nodded. “Okay.” He said, pondering possibilities in his head briefly. “Is it possible that she’s just running behind and her phone is dead?” 

“Well, we thought of that but-“ Jackson said, but John cut him off.

“If she’s just running late and we ring the fire alarm, she’ll get dinged, but-“ 

“If we don’t, and something terrible happens…” Tim interjected, thoughts trailing off. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, his attention turning to Grey.  “What do we do?”

“Well, what do we know about this Caleb guy?” 

“Nothing.” Jackson said, shaking his head. “No, he uh-, he said that he worked for a medical supply company. Lucy showed me a video of him playing with a puppy.” 

Grey nodded. “Okay. Bradford, take West and run a background check. I want to know everything you can find on Caleb before we knock on his door.” He said. “And find Armstrong.” 

Tim nodded. “Right. Come on,” He said, motioning for West to follow him.

He heard Grey talking to Nolan about having him and Nyla run a trace on Lucy’s phone, in order to get her into the MUPS and NaMos systems that the LAPD used. 

As Tim and Jackson made it to Armstrongs office, where the detective was just settling in for the day, Grey walked out of his office, and called for everyones attention. 

“Everyone listen up,” He said, and the room fell silent. “Officer Lucy Chen has not been seen for approximately 13 hours. Given the circumstance, we cannot rule out abduction,” He said, and Tim breathed deeply, trying to control the nausea that he was feeling. 

His rookie was potentially missing. The person he was responsible for training, and for keeping safe while out on the streets. The person that was, even now, the best rookie he had ever trained, and ever will train. His Lucy could be missing, and he didn’t know what to do other than to focus, and do whatever Grey told him to do in order to find her. 

“So stop whatever you’re doing.” Grey continued. “I want everyone on this until she’s located.” He said, before turning to an officer. “Notify S.O., see if they can shag calls for service. 

Tim turned his focus to the computer that Armstrong was using as Nyla walked up to Grey. He overheard her say that the GPS on her phone was disabled, and he began to hyper focus on the words on the screen. He was no help to anyone, much less Lucy, if he was panicking. He had to remain calm, and get the background check like Grey had ordered him to. 

“Caleb Wright doesn’t seem to exist.” Armstrong said, concern evident on his face. 

Tim’s anxiety grew. What was going on? Tim shook his head and walked around the desk to look at the computer screen. 

“That’s impossible,” He said. “I saw his social media page.”

“Well, it’s gone now, so he must have erased it.” Armstrong said. “But if he is our guy, then he’s already faked one identity.”

“Bryan Coleman,” West chimed in. 

Armstrong nodded. “Exactly.” He agreed, pointing at Jackson. “He stole his life to gain access to the old zoo. Used it’s isolation to kill his victims,”

Tim nodded, understanding where Armstrong was leading. “But with that place burned, he’s gonna need new killing ground.” The though of Lucy being his next victim made his stomach churn, and his heart thud painfully in his chest. He couldn’t lose her. She had changed him so much already in their short time together, and he wasn’t ready for her 13 months with him to be up, much less to never see her again because she was murdered. He had to save her, but it angered him that he didn’t know how. He didn’t know the true identity of who took her, where she is, the state that she’s in, or if she’s even still alive. And that thought killed him. 

Armstrong nodded at Tim. “My guess is that he already has one, and thats where Lucy is right now.” Armstrong picked up the phone, and Tim nodded at West, motioning to the door. 

“Lets go.” He said, and Jackson lead them out of his office and towards the stairs. 

“If we don’t find her-“ Jackson started, but Tim stopped, and turned to look at him. 

“Don’t.” He said, cutting him off. “Don’t go there. If she was taken by him, the only way that you are good to her is if you are focused solely on saving her, not playing worst-case scenarios.” 

Jackson nodded, gulping. “Right.” He said. “Sorry. I’m just worried.” Tim nodded. 

“I know. I am too.” He admitted, and almost laughed at the shock evident on the rookie’s face. “But, we need to focus on her. This is not about us and how we’re feeling. This is about finding her, and saving her before it’s too late.” 

Jackson nodded. “Okay. You’re right. What do we do now?” He asked, and they continued their journey down to the main floor. 

“We go and tell Grey what we know, and wait for further instructions.” 

“Okay. Is it okay if I just run to the bathroom quick?” Jackson asked, and Tim nodded. He could tell that Jackson was starting to panic, and needed a moment alone to collect himself. 

“‘Course.” He said. “Meet me in his office when you’re done.” Jackson nodded, and Tim watched him walk towards the bathroom. Tim was about to turn to walk to Grey’s office, when he saw Jackson pull his phone out and make a call. He stopped, watched him for a moment, but decided not to eavesdrop on his call. If it was important to finding Lucy, he knew West would fill him in. If it wasn’t, it was personal, and Tim could honestly care less. 

He walked into Greys office, and Grey immediately stopped what he was doing to look up at him. “What did you find out about Caleb?” 

Tim shook his head, his hands on his hips. “He doesn’t exist. It seems to be an alias. And we figure that if he’s already faked one identity,” He said, and paused when the door opened. Jackson walked in and Tim looked at him, silently asking if he was good. Jackson nodded, and Tim continued speaking. “If he’s faked one identity already, then it has to be Bryan Coleman.” 

Jackson picked up where Tim left off. “We speculate that he used his identity to gain access to the old zoo, and used to the isolation to his benefit to kill his victims, but since we’ve found that spot already, he has to find somewhere new.”

“And that’s where Lucy is.” Grey finished, his head nodded. “Alright. Nolan and Harper are on their way back to the hospital after talking to the victim we saved yesterday. Go take 5, and we’ll reconvene in the briefing room when they’re back.” 

“Yes, sir.” Tim and Jackson said at the same time. They left the office, and Jackson headed left, towards the front door, presumably to wait for Nolan. Tim however, went and sat in the briefing room. 

He didn’t want to take 5. He wanted to be on the streets, knocking on doors, finding out where Lucy was. He wanted to find her and bring her home. He wanted to find her, and make sure that she knew that no matter how tough he was with her; no matter how many Tim Tests he puts her through, he cared about her, and he wanted nothing more than for her to be safe. She needed to be home. She needed to be at the station with him, not being held somewhere unknown by a serial killer’s protege. 

He blinked back tears in surprise as his foot tapped against the floor, watching the minutes slowly tick down. Why was he crying? Tim Bradford rarely cried, not because he didn’t find things sad, but because he didn’t allow himself to.  The last time he fully allowed himself to break down in tears was the drive home from serving Isabel with divorce papers. He couldn’t let himself cry over Lucy, especially now. If he did, it would mean revealing his weakness, and he wasn’t ready for that yet. He wasnt ready for the looks, the whispers, the questions. The higher ups asking his nature of his relationship with Lucy. He couldn’t do that. Not to himself, and especially not to Lucy, who wasn’t even a P2 yet. So, he swallowed the lump in his throat, and sniffed, blinking away the tears.

He had barely blinked away the last tear when Armstrong came into the room, and walked up to the whiteboard that had all of the important facts about Lucy and her disappearance. 

“The bartender at Las Torres recognized Lucy and Caleb.” He said, and Tim sat up straighter, hope beginning to build in his chest. “The good news-“ he continued. “Theres a security camera in the parking lot, so we know that they left at 9:05. The bad news?” Armstrong clicked on the monitor in the room to reveal the footage of Caleb leading Lucy out of the bar by her upper arm. “The camera angles too steep to recognize faces.”

Tim sighed, shaking his head. All he wanted, all anyone in this room wanted was to find Lucy, but it seemed that at every turn so far, the universe was working against them. And Tim hated it with a passion. Tim let a breath out from his nose, attempting to calm the burning fury in his body. There wasn’t a lot that made Tim angry enough to feel the need to fight God, but someone he lo- no, cared about, being in any sort of pain was certainly enough. 

“Two minutes later,” Armstrong resumed speaking. “This car drove by.” Tim watched as a grey car drove through the frame, and Tim sighed, knowing that Lucy was most likely inside of it. 

“The licence plate on Caleb’s car was reported stolen earlier that day,” Grey said, looking between the room and the images on the monitor. “Officer Chen’s care was found in the alley where she left it last night. Which means, we believe that Caleb is Rosalind’s protege, and he took Officer Chen.” 

Tim sighed in disappointment. He knew that what they were saying was the truth, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Tim picked up the rapid breathing of his heart, and the anxiety fluttering in his stomach, a silent threat of the possible reappearance of his breakfast. But, before he could spiral fully, Grey caught his attention again. 

“I know how upsetting this is, but we have to remain focused. She’s counting on us.” Tim heard Grey ask if there were any questions, but Tim didn’t stick around to find out. He walked out of the room, pulling his phone out as he walked. 

He dialled Angela’s number, and breathed, knowing his best friend would be able to sense the shakiness of his voice no matter how hard he tried to hide it. 

“What’s up?” She answered casually. 

“Hey. Lucy’s been taken. I need you.” He said simply, and waited for her response. The line was silent for a moment before Angela spoke again. 

“On my way.” Tim hung up the phone and stuffed it back into his pocket, walking back into the briefing room. 

When he re-entered, Nolan was up at the front, relaying the information that he and Harper had gotten from the other victim at the hospital. 

“Nora was abducted two nights ago.” He said. “We found her 18 hours later, already tattooed, and about to be put in a barrel to be suffocated. This makes Caleb’s timeline from abduction to death approximately 24 hours.” Tim’s hands shook listened.

“Which means we have less than 10 hours to find Lucy.” Jackson said, his face portraying everything Tim was feeling. 

“Unless we’re wrong, and she’s dead already.” Armstrong stated casually, and Tim dug his nails into the palm of his hands to prevent himself from punching Armstrong for even thinking to suggest such a stupid idea. No, she was alive, but they needed to find her before she wasn’t anymore. 

“No,” Harper interjected. “Look, I know I haven’t known Lucy as long as the rest of you, but I do know she is a fighter.” She said, glancing back at Tim briefly. “She’s gonna do everything she can to stay alive until we save her.” Tim nodded in agreement, watching as people filed out of the room, but Tim remained rooted to his spot, staring at her picture on the whiteboard. 

He needed her safe. He needed her by his side, where he knew she was alive, and okay. He didn’t know how he was going to get through these next few hours, but he knew that he had to do it so that his rookie, his Lucy, would be safe. 

He suddenly found himself sitting down next to Jackson, answering calls, when Angela walked into the station, Wesley trailing behind her. 

“Hey,” he said, standing up to greet her. “Thanks for coming in.” 

“Of course,” She said, looking to the side of her, and seeing the phones that him and Jackson, and two other officers were manning. “Grey’s got you on tip lines?” 

Tim nodded. “Nothing says we got squat like listening to the public.” He looked up at Wesley. “Day off?”

Wesley nodded, not making eye contact with Tim. “Yeah, something like that.” Tim looked at him suspiciously, but let it go. “Can I help?” 

Tim crossed his arms. “Whats your tolerance for cranks and asshats wasting your time?” 

Wesley shrugged. “I’m a public defender.”

Tim nodded his head to the phones. “Have at it.” 

“This is useless,” Tim said, turning to Angela as Jackson spoke to Wesley. “We should be on the streets kicking down doors.”

“Who’s doors?” Angela asked, a concerned look on her face. 

“I don’t know,” He answered honestly. “But I-I can’t just sit here.” He stormed away, desperate to do something, anything, to bring Lucy home. 

Of course, Angela being Angela, followed after him. “Wait up!” 

Tim rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, just blowing off steam.”

“I get it,” Angela said, following after him. “But you got to get your head in the game.”

Frustrated, Tim turned around to face her. “I don’t need a pep talk.” 

“Then why’d you call me?” She demanded. “Clearly, you need to get something off of your chest.”

Tim sighed. “This is my fault.” He answered, looking down at his shoes. 

“What?” Angela asked. “How?” 

“The day I came back from my leave, I went to her apartment after shift. No one would tell me anything about why she was off. I questioned her, but she wouldn’t tell me. Something was going on, and I should have pressed her more. I should have been there for her, I’m her training officer for gods sake. I should have known something was wrong.”

Angela took a step closer. “Tim, she didn’t tell anyone. All we know about her leave is what Jackson and John have been permitted to tell us. Something happened, and she needed time off to deal with it. That doesn’t make you a bad training officer. You did all you could.” She explained. 

“I could have done more.” Tim stated, before turning to walk away. 

“What is it about her?” Angela asked, making Tim stop in his tracks. 

“What?” He asked, turning around, confusion all over his face. 

“Look, I’ve known you since before you became a TO. You’re hard on your rookies, but you’re also fiercely protective over them. But with Lucy, you are more over protective than you have with any other rookie. You’ve honestly been quite lenient on her so far. So, what is it about Lucy that makes you feel like you should have prevented this? That you should have protected her better, or been there for her more? You’ve always said that you’re their training officer, not their friend. What is it about Lucy that changed that for you?”

Tim shook his head, before looking up at Angela. She’d been his best friend for years. He could never hide anything from her, even if he wanted to. He knew that she would instantly see through whatever bullshit answer he would give her, so he decided to be truthful. As much as he could be with himself, anyways. 

“She turned around and smiled at me.” He said, his voice quiet and shaky. A crease formed on Angela’s forehead, showing her confusion. “Her first day, when Grey said she was paired with me, she turned around, and smiled at me. I don’t know what it was, but she’s got this grip on me, and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to not care about her this much.” He said, a stray tear, falling from his eye as he spoke. 

“Tim…” Angela said quietly. “Tim, I think you know why.” Tim shook his head immediately, knowing what she was getting at. 

“No,” he responded. “Thats not it. She’s my rookie, I would never cross that line.” 

Angela smiled sadly. “I know you wouldn’t. That doesn’t mean your heart doesn’t still want her.”

Tim shook his head, trying to protest, but his face betrayed him, crumpling as he fought to stop the sob clawing its way out of his throat. Angela didn’t say anything, just pulled him into her arms, and held him as he cried. 

“We’re going to find her,” She said eventually. “Whatever it takes.”

—- 

An hour later, and Tim had calmed down. His sadness and anxiety was now replaced by anger. Anger that was stronger than before, and made him want to burn the world to ashes just to find her. And that’s exactly what he was going to do. 

“Problem officer?” 

Tim wasted no time in reaching through the open window, grabbing a fistful of the Benjamins hair, and slamming his face onto the steering wheel. 

“You listen to me very carefully,” He spat. “Your name is Benjamin Lassie. You’re a mid level idiot who controls every illicit item that enters the Central California Women’s Facility. And today is your day of reckoning.” He squeezed tighter. “Now, I am responsible for a life that is in jeopardy, and I will do whatever I have to to save her. Do you understand?” He demanded. 

“Theres a man who gives you items to smuggle onto death row for Rosalind Dyer. You are gonna give me that man.” He continued. 

“Why would I do that?” Benjamin demanded. 

Tim squeezed even tighter. “Because if you don’t, I will pull you inside out.” He threatened, and he then watched with a sickening satisfaction as Benjamin saw his life flash before his eyes, and spit out the name; Jerry Havel.

Tim smiled, released Benjamin, and sent him off with a threatening look that told him Tim would follow through with his threats if he said a word about what just happened to anyone. 

Jackson then shakily followed him back to the shop, and as soon as he shut the door, Tim was speeding back to the station while Jackson typed his name into the computer to do a background check. 

“Any information you get, you text it immediately to Lopez.” Tim said in a calm tone, feeling bad for scaring him.

“Yes, sir.”

—-

30 minutes later, Tim had managed to get a S.W.A.T. team and a no knock warrant together, ready to raid Jerry Havel’s place. Tim followed behind S.W.A.T. as they moved in on Havel’s place. 

They paused briefly at the door, before busting it open, and running inside. “Go, go, go!” One of the S.W.A.T. member said as Jerry began to run. Another officer shot him in the right shoulder, and he fell to the ground on his face. 

Tim ran up to him, Jackson following behind. He grabbed him, and turned him over. “Where’s Lucy?” His heart dropped into his stomach when he realized that the man he was faced with was not Caleb. “That’s not - that’s not Caleb.” He said, moving away from the man in front of him. “Damn it!” he yelled in frustration. 

He tried to control his breathing as Jackson took over, yelling at the man about his name, and where he worked. Tim looked back at Jerry, who told them through stuttering that his name was in face Jerry Havel, but he had never worked at that prison, and had been on disability for the last five years after an inmate shivved him during a riot. 

“Look, DOC clearly states that you work at that prison.” Jackson said. 

Jerry sighed and looked down. “My identity was stolen.” He said. “Right around 3 years ago. Really screwed up my credit.” 

Tim nodded, making the connections in his head. “Caleb used Jerry’s identity to get into prison, get close to Rosalind.”

“Just like he stole Bryan Coleman’s identity.” Jackson finished as he holstered his gun. 

“Is this connected to the officer that was abducted?” Jerry asked. 

Tim nodded. “Yeah.” He said, tears welling up in his eyes as he spoke. “And you were our last shot at saving her.” 

Tim moved on auto pilot for the next hour. So much so, that he didn’t remember anything between leaving Jerry’s house, and arriving back at the station.  Once he arrived there, he was handing over a file that had a record of the credit card charges on the card that Caleb had used under Jerry’s name that Jackson had found. 

“Hey, hey,” He said, getting Angela’s. Grey’s, and Wesleys attention. “We got something.” He said, dropping the file on the table. “Caleb used Jerry’s identity to rent a post office box in Kern County, near the prison. But, he kept it up after he quit.” He explained, as Angela opened the file, and began pouring through the contents. “Still pays for it. He must have a place close by.” 

Angela grabbed a piece of paper, and read from it, comparing what was in the file with her own notes. “Rosalind’s family - her trust owns a farm in Kern County.” She handed him the paper that showed evidence of the farm. 

Before he knew it, he was in the stations helicopter, racing to Kern county with Angela, Grey, Jackson, with Nyla and John on the ground in a shop. 

When they landed on the farm in Kern County, Nolan told them that Caleb was dead, and that Lucy was buried somewhere on the property. Tim felt a sick sense of happiness knowing that Caleb was dead. He was gone, and now he could never touch a single hair on her head again. She was one step closer to being safe, and now all they had to do was dig her up before it was too late.

Nolan thrust a phone into Angela’s hands. Angela looked down, watching the video of Lucy inside the barrel. “I can’t even tell if she’s still breathing,” She said anxiously, looking up at Grey. 

“Spread out.” Grey commanded. Tim looked around, trying to find a good place to start looking. “Airship, we have an officer buried alive.” The panic that Tim had been desperately trying to keep at bay came bubbling to the surface, and his chest started to constrict as he looked at the open fields. He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to keep the tears at bay, but knowing at some point in the next few minutes, he would be crying. Either from relief, or grief. 

He took a moment to calm himself, repeating the words he had said to Jackson earlier in the day to himself in his head. “The only way that you are good to her is if you are focused solely on saving her, not playing worst-case scenarios.” 

He turned to look at the house briefly, before realizing that there was no way Caleb would have buried her close to the house. He turned to Jackson and explained, before summoning Jackson to follow him. He took off running as far as he could as fast as he could. 

A few minutes later, they came to the top of a hill. “Lets split up,” He suggested to Jackson. “You go left, alright?” Jackson nodded, and took off to the left. Tim continued forward, looking around for any possible sight that Caleb could have buried her. 

Then, as he was coming down the slope of another hill, something caught his eye. A sparkle, so bright it nearly blinded him briefly. He didn’t think anything of it at first, but then realized that there wasn’t much around there that could produce a sparkle like that. He took a step closer and looked again, finding the sparkle once more. He ran up to the spot the sparkle originated from, and fell to his knees in front of it. 

He scooped up the source of the sparkle, and could have cried right then and there when he realized what it was. 

Her ring. Her moonstone ring. 

He stood up, and began looking around in the dirt for any indication that she could be close. He began kicking dirt around, and stomping, hoping to God that she had dropped it on purpose, and it wasn’t another one of Caleb’s tricks.

But, when he stomped again, and heard the unmistakable sound of rubber on metal, he knew it wasn’t a trick. Lucy had left him a clue, and she was right there.

He stomped two more times just to be sure, but once he heard the clanging two more times, he turned around and shouted. “I’VE GOT HER!” He then pocketed the ring, dropped to his knees, and began digging with his bare hands. 

His hands ached after a few seconds, the sharp rocks in the sand cutting and digging into his skin, but his need to save Lucy, get her out of that barrel outweighed all of that. He was so close to her, he just needed to keep going. 

A few moments later, Nyla, Jackson, and Angela joined him in the digging, with the rest of the officers headed their way. The local PD joined in moments later, bringing shovels, making the process move quicker. The metal of the shovels hit the metal of the barrel, and Tim choked out a sob. 

“Guys,” He managed to say. “Right here.” He said as he reached forward for the latch on the barrel, pulling it towards him. It took two pulls, but on the second one the latch snapped, and the lid came off. 

He threw it behind him, and looked into the barrel.

There she was, hunched over, her curled hair laying over her back, tangled with dirt and blood. 

“Come on!” Tim yelled, and began pulling Lucy out of the barrel. Everyone joined in and helped him get her out and onto the ground. 

He touched her head softly once she was laid on the ground, and leaned in, listening for breathing. He heard Grey ask if she was breathing, but didn’t answer. When he heard no breathing, he cupped her chin and her forehead, breathing two rescue breaths into her mouth to help her lungs inflate. He then moved his hands to her chest and started compressions, watching her face for any sign of life.

As he did the compressions, all he could focus on was her. He got to her, now all he could do was hope he could restart her heart in time. The more compressions he did, the more desperate he became. Why wasn’t her heart starting to beat? Why wasn’t she moving, breathing, crying? Was she-

Lucy gasped in a deep breath, her body starting to shake. Tim cried out in happiness as her eyes fluttered open. He reached behind her and helped sit her up, cradling her to his chest when she burst into tears, curling towards his chest. 

“You’re okay,” He whispered to her, as he pulled her closer. As he held her, he noticed that all of the anger, pain, anxiety, and fear had disappeared. As soon as she took that gulping breath in, his body knew she was safe, that she was alive. 

“You’re okay,” He whispered into her hair. Even after all that she went through, she still smelled like herself, and it calmed Tim down even further. “You’re safe. I’ve got you. He can’t hurt you anymore.” He whispered as he cradled her head to his chest. 

He breathed deeply, letting the tears fall from his eyes. They got to her in time, and she was going to be okay. She was back in his arms, she was breathing, and was crying. All signs she was a survivor. 

——

Tim rode with her in the ambulance. When the paramedics had arrived on scene, she refused to let go of Tim, starting to go into a panic attack whenever someone tried to separate her from him. Once they had gotten her into the ambulance, and had taken her vitals, they gave her a sedative, and she fell asleep within a minute, still holding tightly to Tim’s hand. 

Tim held onto her hand the entire ambulance ride, and then helicopter ride back to St Stephens, his eyes locked onto the bleeding marks from where she had been bound at the wrists. He didn’t let go until they landed at St Stephens, and she was rushed into the back to be examined. 

He was shown into a waiting room, where he was told that Dr Sawyer would come and get him when he could see her. He was about to sit down, when his phone began to ring. He fished it out of his pocket, and answered it, briefly seeing Nolan’s name flash across the screen. 

“Tim,” John said as soon as he picked up. “Listen, I don’t want you to question what I’m about to ask you, I just need you to do it.” He said, and Tim, who was still in shock from everything, just agreed, and listened to what John had to say. “I need you to go to Mid Wilshire Childcare Centre. You need to go to the baby room and pick up Tamara Chen, and bring her to the hospital. Don’t forget your ID. You’re on the approved pick up list and I’ve called ahead, so don’t worry about any questions. There will be someone waiting for you at the front door to show you where to go, alright?” He said, and Tim, who was utterly confused now, nodded. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, okay.” He said goodbye to John, and left the hospital immediately after informing the nurses that he would be back. He hopped in the shop, stopped by the station briefly to grab a carseat, and then hopped back in the shop. 

He pulled into Mid Wilshire Childcare Centre, and grabbed his drivers licence out of his wallet, before making his way to the front door. There was a middle aged woman waiting for him, a smile on her face. 

“Tim Bradford, I’m assuming?” She said, and Tim nodded. 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

The lady nodded. “I’m Martha, the chef here. If you follow me, I can show you to the baby room. I know you’re in a hurry.” She said. She turned, put a code into a key pad, and entered the building, Tim following behind her. As soon as they walked in, Martha turned right, and led him to the end of the hallway. They entered a small classroom with two educators, and 4 babies. 2 of the babies were playing in a water table, the other one was sitting at the table, eating banana, and a third one, who didn’t look older than a few weeks old,  being held in a rocking chair by another educator. 

“Tim, this is Ella, and Cara. Ella is Tamara’s primary educator.” Martha said, and Tim nodded to her. 

“Nice to meet you, Ella.”

Ella smiled. “You too, sir.” She said. “Tamara has had a really good day today. She slept well, drank both bottles, and enjoyed our walk we took them on.” She said, as she went over to the other educator, Cara, and took the small infant from her. 

She carried her over, and Tim blinked quickly, realizing that the small infant must be Tamara. “Okay, thank you.” Tim said. 

Ella smiled. “No problem. We will need some more wipes for her, probably in the next day or so.” Tim nodded. 

“Okay perfect. Is there anything else?” 

“Oh, yes.” Ella said, grabbing the binder off of the counter. “Could I just see your ID?” 

Tim nodded and handed it over. Ella compared the names before smiling and handing it back. 

“Thank you.” She said, putting the binder down. “If you follow me, I’ll show you Tamara’s things.” 

Tim followed Ella as she showed him her cubby, and handed him her backpack.

“Okay, you’re all set, we’ll see you later.” Ella said and Tim thanked her again before following Martha out of the building. 

“Have a good night,” Martha said, holding the door open for him. 

“Thank you, you too,” He responded, looking down at the small infant in his arms that apparently belonged to Lucy. 

“Okay, little one,” he said quietly, opening up the door to the shop, and buckling her in her carseat. “Let’s go see Mama, I guess.”

—-

When Tim walked back into the waiting room, he was greeted with Grey and Luna sitting together. They both turned to look at him when he walked in with the baby carrier, and Grey smiled. 

“Oh good,” Grey said. “You didn’t have any issues picking up?” He asked, and Tim shook his head no.

“No, sir. I guess Nolan called ahead because she was ready to go when I got there.” He said.

Grey chuckled. “You look confused, son.” 

Tim laughed quietly, sitting down, and placing the car seat at his feet. “I am very confused. When did Lucy have a baby?” He asked, as he bent down and got Tamara out. Tamara gazed up at him as he lifted her up, holding her head in one hand and bum in the other. 

“She didn’t,” Grey said. Tim looked at him, confused. Grey sighed. “Look, I’m going to tell you this simply because you need to know why you’re holding a baby that shares a name with your rookie.” He said, and Tim nodded. “When you were on leave for your GSW, Lucy was on patrol with Wrigley. She found a mother OD’d, just hours after having given birth to her.” He said, pointing to Tamara. Tim’s eyes locked onto the tiny infant while Grey spoke. 

“Lucy came with her to the hospital, and when DCFS showed up, Lucy asked to take her in, as she is an emergency foster parent. DCFS agreed, and that’s why Lucy went on leave.” He said, and Tim looked at him in shock. 

“Oh,” He said, stunned. 

Grey nodded. “Yep. Then, 4 weeks ago, she got a call from DCFS stating that they were unable to locate any of her family, and Lucy was given the option to adopt her.”

Tim smiled. “Which she took.” He said, running his thumb over her cheek.

Grey nodded, as Luna sat on the other side of Tim.

“Yes,” Luna said. “And she’s doing a terrific job as a single mother.” 

Tim smiled again, moving Tamara closer to his chest. “I have no doubt about that.” He said. “Gosh, she’s so beautiful.” He commented, as Tamara’s eyes fluttered shut. 

“That she is,” Grey said. “Look, please don’t be mad with Lucy over hiding this from you. She was just trying to protect Tamara.” 

Tim nodded. “I know, and I’m not. But I am going to tell her that I am going to help her, in anyway she needs. I’m her training officer, but also her friend, and I’m going to help her through this.”

#shut the fuck up ava #natashasera #you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) #the rookie #the rookie fanfiction #chenford #chenford fanfiction #tim bradford #tim bradford fanfiction #lucy chen #lucy chen fanfiction #tamara colins #tw kidnapping #tw near death experience #tw s02e11 Day of Death

[time-is-restored]

I took offense to “most cringe fail meow meow in recent history” until I realized it was a compliment 👍 she is minmaxing her life isn’t she (the caretaker for instance) anyway I think Clara and Martha would be friends but would also have a complicated relationship

oh im genuinely so glad u realised it was a compliment it would KILL me if ppl thought i just like. was unironically shitting on clara omg she's one of my favourite characters in like... ANYTHING, ever. i am OBSESSED w her twisted mind..

(expanding on my martha + clara dynamic thoughts under the cut bc it got OBSCENELY long lol)

i also completely agree w that clara and martha take! on the surface, i think they would make very good acquaintances/casual friends. they share the same inquisitive + intellectual nature, so i feel like they approach problem solving very similarly. it's hard to give a concrete example, since no companion has ever faced the EXACT same mystery, but what comes to mind for me is martha realising its safe to open the windows in smith + jones, and killing the engines in gridlock to hide from. whatever the monster was that episode LOL. compared with clara noticing the similar poses in Hide, and learning to make rapid-fire deductions to bluff her way out of danger, like in The Girl Who Died.

from memory they also have pretty similar sense of humour, and as unlikely it would be to come up in casual conversation, they can also both relate to being forgotten by the doctor, though at least in martha's case it was only a temporary measure.

however, i think beyond the level of occasional friends/allies, shit would definitely get tense. martha's arc is defined by how she never can truly adjust to the loss + death that follows the doctor wherever he goes, and how that's a good thing, and makes her such a good person + doctor. her priority is always saving + healing as many people as possible, and the level of distress she experiences after losing someone never seems to lessen (i can't quite remember its name, but the dolphin alien in the doctor's daughter comes to mind - at that point, martha has seen COUNTLESS fatalities, both while walking the earth and working for UNIT, which isn't exactly a chill desk job. but still, she cries like she's just lost a close friend, because she has). she feels everything incredibly deeply, and even though she does appear to develop a 'soldier's mentality' or whatever the fuck it is that davros calls it in journeys end, when she threatens to destroy the earth to disrupt the dalek's plan, to ME the most important part of that sequence is that she doesn't genuinely try to stop the housekeeper from shooting her/preventing her from using the key. she understands that what she's about to do is terrible, and would not blame anyone from stopping her - does not resent them from trying. there's no ego driving her actions here, just experience.

when we compare that with clara... now, listen, i wanna give a disclaimer here and say that i in NO way believe that clara is a paticularly cruel or callous person. but she ABSOLUTELY 'goes native' to a degree that martha explicitly refuses to (i can NOT see her rolling over to the housekeeper for even a second, if her and martha's places were switched, for example). sure, the adventuring is addictive, but she also learns to compartmentalise other people's deaths in a way that pretty much... no one other than the doctor himself seems to learn to do? she's hardly gunning down innocents, but she encourages ppl to risk themselves for the greater good (before the flood), and explicitly deceives people about their chances of survival (mummy on the orient express, flatline). as seen in her final sacrifice with rigsy, it's not like she's unwilling to walk the walk, but that familiarity with death + loss is something that's freaked out virtually every companion that's ever traveled with the doctor, and by the end of her journey, im pretty sure clara deals with loss in an almost indistinguishable way to him.

compound that with clara's control issues (if it came down to it, could she really trust martha with key components of any plan, even if she is intellectually aware of her capability + experience?) and plain old ego (while i do think clara in s9 has grown a fair bit away from her 'dont lump me in w the rest of those puny humans' rant in kill the moon, as viewed from an outsider POV, martha's job at UNIT automatically puts her as 'lesser' in clara's eyes, just bc of how often travelling w the doctor involves scoffing at local armies as they royally fuck everything up. WE know that martha's more than just someone else's lackey, but would clara?)... yeesh. at minimum, im seeing clara being condescending + dismissive, and martha being (almost DEFINITELY rightfully) outraged at clara's cavalier, too-cool-for-emotions attitude, and associating her with the doctor's worst moments.

ofc they could work THROUGH these issues with time - ultimately, both of them became very close with and fond of the doctor, and that takes a particular type of tolerance to some... frequently grating personality traits LMAO. not to mention how well they could bond if they gave each other half the chance (sarah jane + rose, martha + donna - companions all inherently have a lot in common! the love of adventure, of exploration, of being able to be part in something so much BIGGER than every day life..)!

tl;dr despite my dismay over the poll, they realistically actually WOULD fight, quite a bit. but im a firm believer in the healing power of the 'talking shit -> being proven wrong' pipeline, not to mention the power of female characters unionising, so i like to imagine that they could one day be good friends :)

#companion poll #my writing #meta #tysm for the ask btw its always rlly cool to see other ppl passionate abt the same characters as me :D #asks #dw

[toestalucia]

Kou: What? You don't…have chocolate for me this year? Can I ask why? >I heard that you can't give foxes chocolate.

LOSING MY MIND CUZ 1) <-person who literally sent that question (but seriously) to venom IM GONNNAAAAAAAA 2) captain bullying a 12yo AGAIN is so fkng funny to me. but also kou who at this point is ssooo honest.......no wonder he's getting teased LOL him & you are both so cute

Caro: Whether you're an artist or not, it's important to nurture your heart.

m...mahoyaku......

Lu Woh: Even more so if the purpose of such practice is meant for one who has piqued your interest for reproduction. I repeat—I am one of the Six Dragons.

THIS ONE MADE ME LOSE IT. LIKE FIRST HES ALL 'we 6 dragons dont need stuff like food etc to survive this is wasted provisions' THEN HE SAID THIS AND IMMMMMMMMMMMMM LMFAAOOOOOO would u like to speak with helel ben shalem about the bees and the flowers i think itd be hilarious af & hell for captain. lu woh who was too honest about vyrn to the point of pissing of captain (rare moment) to lu woh who says this i dont think i can do this anymore chat

Ragazzo: Wha? Ch-chocolate? For me? Ah… Well, I mean, it's not like I didn't notice your feelings for me or anything— Huh? You're…handing them out to everybody? R-right, yeah, I knew that. Yep. In other words, you're giving chocolate to all the crew members as a token of friendship. Thanks. I appreciate it.

ragazzo playing tough only to be hit with the 'actually i give everyone' IS SSOOOOO FUNNYYYYYY LOLLLLL GOD let this turn into captain teasing him every year. i need terrible pranks. i miss captain & seofon 'u give/get chocolate to/from other ppl?:(' shenanigans (pls read seofons vday & white days, comedy deluxe). that but onesided, considering ragazzo......

Freyr: I see. So you slipped off a cliff while trying to pick that fruit. That was rather reckless of you in such poor weather.

fullkawa honpo's alice mention !!!!!!! (its not)

Balurga: What? Your hand slipped because you were tired from staying up all night making chocolate? Skull: You stayed up? After spending the past couple days busy with requests? That means you've barely slept at all… Do you got chocolate for brains? Go to bed, right now! I'll tuck you in and sing you a lullaby if I have to! Balurga: Can't believe I'm saying this, but Skull's got the right idea. You don't gotta push yourself like that! Huh? You wanted to make chocolates for us that badly… Thanks for caring, but… I'd rather not have chocolate with your blood, sweat, and tears in it.

out of all of the new ones ive read so far this is the sweetest captain-wise,,,like...u absolute fool (endearing). also skull & balurga being so ????? go to BED!!!!!!!!! about it is something i rly like too. excellent. glad to see units & characters i rly like get seasonals i rly like

Lobelia: Let's make this a day to remember. Je t'aime, Captain.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Utsusemi: I know that this emotion can bring no joy to a courtesan, but I can't bring myself to throw it away. Therefore… I would leave it in your care. This savage, fiery emotion… You will find it in this box. If you doubt me, then witness it with your own eyes. Captain opens the box as if in a trance, only to let out a short cry when a spring propels something out of it at high speed. Utsusemi: He… Hehe… Hahaha! Well that was a cute reaction indeed! To think that a jack-in-the-box would be so effective…

KBJAFBJKADBJKAD PLEEEEAASSEEEEE BE PRANKING VDAY/WHITE DAY BUDDIES PLLEEASEE PLEEASEE CYGAMES I NEED THIS SO BAD...NOT THE JUMPSCARE...i need to read her fate eps shes growing on me sm just from the seasonals

Meg: Ehehe. Truth be told, Mari, the one I gave you has special ingredients and is different from the rest. I hope you like it. Mari: (Wow, you were so upfront about that, it may as well have been a wedding proposal!)

me when i read mhyk

Meg: By the way, Mari, did you happen to have any chocolate for Captain? Mari: Mm-hm, sure do. Here you go, Captain. A little thank-you for all you do for us. With all the delight of the proud victor of an imagined love triangle, Mari places a miniscule piece of chocolate on Captain's pinky.

LNKADNKLADNKLADNKLADNKLADNKLADNKLDNKLA?!?!?!?!?!?! MARI...CMON....................i actually was surprised she had choco for captain THEN SHE HIT ME WITH THAAAATTT................I KNOW U LOVE MEG BUT...........god im so thankful for the megmari unit. mari is excellent. the seasonal where shes like 'ill make sure the kitchen width is just right so our shoulders brush when we cook' ??????? u r my favorite person. also when mari thought deliford was in love with sandal. lord. u need to be in every single event

Cosmos: Thought one thing Satyr said remains a mystery to me. She mentioned that skydwellers "put their love" into the chocolate. I followed her instructions to whisper my feelings to the chocolate while making a heart shape with my hands. But I remain uncertain as to whether that affected the flavor.

WHAT IS SATYR TEACHING EVERYONEEEEEEEEEEE

#stardust speaking ! #i have the year5-year2 left of the girlies so ill return at a l8r time..<3 #gran (with malice): i heard u cant give foxes chocolate #akira (with concern): (can erunes eat chocolate....?) #also grimnirs are always so funny. the only guy who doesnt die from embarrassment when captain goes 'say 'aah' :]' #stan&alizas are a delight too...............

[ignitesthestxrs]

I think you recommended The Monster of Elendhaven forever ago. Just read it, it was wonderful. Did you still have any thoughts on it?

yesss i did! im so glad you liked it, my thoughts on the Monster of Elendhaven is that i wish i had ten more monsters of elenhaven's, u know?

like the thing is i know Monsterfucking has become a thing and Problematic Romance has become a thing, but so much of the appeal of those tropes for me is in the actual like,,,,problems? a lot of the teeth (lol) gets taken out of the concept of fucked up people fucking each other with commercialisation, and a lot of backbending happens to explain why shitty actions or horrors are the result of Misunderstandings or are Actually Justified or were Never That Bad

MoE is about bad people being gay and horny and shitty and it doesn't apologise for that and it doesn't swerve away from it. you aren't supposed to want to meet these men in person! they are not guys you would like to have a beer with!

i am always a sucker for overwhelming awful obsession that ruins a guy, and MoE really nailed that for me. i don't actually remember much of the salient details LOL but i do remember the lingering Vibe, the sensation of satisfaction that comes with reading something that doesn't pull its punches. it doesn't have any interest in coddling the reader's morality, u know? it knows it's fiction and doesn't have to; it's happy to just be a fucky lil gay book about terrible men

#han reads

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. it’s 😵‍💫 anon. always a joy to look at your page. honestly, life has been sucking as usual. opportunities have arose, but nothing came of it. I actually felt worse after the opportunities. sometimes it feels like there is no hope. the hardest thing is seeing someone I care for be sad like I am. now I’m trying to manifest for her as well. it’s like you can’t escape what makes you feel terrible. ugh. even though I’m down, I don’t want this person to feel the same as me but I can’t do anything for either of us. I just remember a time of crying and then being okay because of possibility but sadly, possibility isn’t enough anymore. seeing this person hurt kind of drilled it in me that I’m here….and I don’t know a way out seriously. I’m sorry for the negativity. I’m always trauma dumping here like a fucking dumbass. the only time I feel open is when I let it all out, but a part of me feels sucky for doing so here. I hope it’s not too much, dream.

I’m just babbling but I went black friday shopping. I kind of found out that I have been buying shit for a second of relief. I get happy that I have something to look forward to. is it retail therapy?? I bought some skincare products so hopefully they work out. for some reason, every time I do skincare, everything just sits there on top of my skin or it burns. like damn 💀

this entire message seems like I roller coaster like you started off sad and then straight into skincare lol? I guess I feel lighter after releasing my words. right now I’m about to go stuff my entire face with leftover Thanksgiving food. happy Thanksgiving btw if you celebrate it. if you do celebrate it, did you do anything? any black friday shopping? it’s really hard not to fall victim to sales 🥲🤣

hiiiii my lovely 😵‍💫 anon <3

its never too much, so don't worry. it saddens me to read how you've been feeling though, especially in regards to your friend. its lovely you want to help them, but truly, you deserved to be help first in your life. you've gotta make sure you're good, then you're best able to help others too.

dont feel too bad about shopping like that. literally, a lot of us has been there. i literally had a shopping addiction a couple of years ago, without realizing it. luckily, i was able to get out of it. hahah so really, its just one of them things sometimes. lol theres nothing wrong w a lil retail therapy though, i mean why not treat yourself ? i hope the skincare works out <3 any product recs ??

and thank you <3 i hope you had a great thanksgiving !! i just spent the time with friends and family, and actually had one of the best thanksgivings i've had in a while hehe and i made a new friend ! i did go black friday shopping, but i mainly shopped deals online which have ~finally~ started arriving recently and i love them sm. youre so right tho, but i was like hey i could def use some things and the deals truly were irresistable in that moment LOL

anyway, i hope youre feeling better now and im glad youre able to come here and vent, and leave yourself feeling lighter in that moment ! <3

xoxo

[tetsusgoing]

yes that anon who sent

"tag all of your mutuals and put beside it the kind of person they are im really curious :)"

WAS ME AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA 😏😏

anyways im ready for that kiss 😚

I love u for sending in this ask but my stupid self accidentally posted it when I wasn't done so now I'm answering this one instead. Ok where do I start,

@icedhoneyy : my #1 my 4 lifer my online best friend at this point. Isa is such a sweet and bright person it's amazing to be around her, she had a way of reassuring me that things were fine and making me feel better. Her ideas are all so cute and her writing is so so good she's terribly underrated, once she is back from being inactive I will be the happiest woman alive ok.

@boo-kugo : one my early made mutuals, so so nice and I know she will always be reblogging something of mine. Such an interactive mutual I love that you're always in my notifications and that I can feel so easy with you (read: not wonder if you actually like me or not as I usually do with people) and that your themes are always so CUTE

@kurootosis : lem where do I even start. One of my special kuroo made mutuals (read : we bond over our love for the silly guy) I love the ideas you implement into your writing so much and I love how we both write to comfort ourselves like girls who think about their fictional boyfriend to cope relate to each other so hard yk (I have some of ur work in my drafts but forgive me for not having enough time to read and appreciate it I am heart broken </3)

@mushiemin : my FIRST haikyuu mutual, and when you followed me I was jumping up and down and giggling from excitement cause wow your art is so amazing and if someone like that follows me then I must REALLY be something. I hope you're having a wonderful day whenever you're seeing this !!!

@rayesloveletters : my dear friend ray reblogs all the cutest stuff in the world, whenever she's on my dash I just experience visually pleasant thing like God I am SO thankful we are mutuals. Plus you've been so sweet and so nice to me, especially by reaching out first because I'm deathly afraid of rejection so I'm terribly glad you talked to me first otherwise idk where we would be rn (silent mutuals probably)

@sunamour : I can't put into words how much I love your work. I've probably told you before but everytime I feel like hurting my own feelings I go through your masterlist because your writing is THAT good!! I couldn't believe myself when you followed me actually, because wow.. it's like Beyoncé herself acknowledged my existence okay. Definitely check scar out for suna related works she's amazing 10/10

@sookisaurus : risu is one of my early mutuals too and I remember stumbling across your blog and also feeling excited about having a kuroo mutual. When you wrote me that one shot?? My god I died and went to heaven. Risu is so easy to interact with and she is so talented if you ever don't know where to start in the haikyuu fandom she's an amazing person to talk to!!

@tahdashi : I think everytime sayu reblogs something of mine I get more recognition than I've gotten the whole time I had this blog, safe to say I couldn't believe when she followed me because??? The sayu?? Liked my work?? That one winter kuroo piece is my most popular one now. I also love the way your mind works and I associate you with study boyfriend akaashi (rip sunkeiji)

@wakatshi : miss daria... so cool, so amazing, I feel like she's a huge star and I'm this journalist who she will talk to from time to time and I'm actually just her biggest fan. Amazing themes, amazing energy, such a cool person, and no one is more worthy of the mrs ushijima title. Can't picture him without her popping up in my head actually

@miyasann : I remember when you answered my first ask ever and you called me by my name and I was so surprised that you knew my name like it wasn't right in my pinned post... but basically another incident that felt too good to be true because you are so nice to be around and your Journaling will always have a special place in my heart. You remind me of orange blossoms ok I don't know where that came from but it makes sense !!!

@rinoomi : she's inactive as far as I'm aware but GOD I loved her art so much, I remember coming back from school and checking her blog to see if she drew kuroo again and those were the good old days

I feel like I've forgotten some so I will return to edit them in if it's necessary!!!

#oh and here is ur kiss #💏 #i just realized this has turned into a mutual appreciation post ok #but ive already typed it all and i think this is pretty telling of their personalities #— kuroo's answers #god how did i type all of that out #im so tired ok good night #thank u nat for this i think i needed something to positively think about #♡ natasha

[angelmichelangelo]

ok im all caught up so here are my thoughts

i LOVE your concept art for mikey of ur human au and would absolutely adore seeing your vision for the other boys 🤲🤲 ALSO just watched the 2007 movie for the first on my terrible flight home yesterday and it had me kicking my feet i loved it so much. one of my top 3 iterations for sure so far but im also a sucker for leo/raph angst so this is no surprise >:) plus i LOVE casey jones in every shape and form (2012 is def my fave, but 07 really has heart now too) so i am mega hoping to see him in the mm follow up series !!! and the hockey stick drawing on the mm character quiz you posted definitely had me thinking many thoughts ...

HELLO!!

and ah thank you! my little human au mikey holds a very dear place in my heart <3 all the boys need holding tenderly but mikey especially (what is your favourite character if not your emotional punching bag lmao) those boys will be doing through the horrors, as per tmnt tradition. just less mutant horrors and more. every day horrors. my personal horrors lol

AND YES 2007 MOVIE!!!!!!! it never gets as much appreciation as it so rightly deserves. 2007 was the predecessor for the 2012 style, what with it being the first cgi turtles movie. 2007 is so important to me, i’m so glad you enjoyed it and oh my god casey jones in that movie. what a loveable dork. malewife material for sure like. he’s perfect. i could also talk about how perfect the b team element of that movie was but i think i would just burn out my phone so i’ll just say it was perfect and that was all. for now.

and i think casey has been confirmed to show up in the mm series! i don’t have the exact link on hand but i remember it floating around a little while ago where they said he was for sure going to make his entrance in the show which is SUPER exciting !!! i’m really curious as to what they do with his character. considering they’ve made april a teen again, i’m gonna bet on casey being around the same age too. ik some diehard fans don’t like that but making 2012 casey a gangly, streetfighting teen was THE move. it really highlights some of his best personality points. as much as i adore 2003 casey, they dumbed him down a little too hard in some cases, so making him a kid makes some of those “dumb moments” a little more excusable — i’m SO looking forward to seeing how he slots into their world. give me raph and casey, platonic or romantic I JUST WANT IT

#thanks for the ask friend <33 #ask

[pammydawes]

Alrighty folks we are at 8.5 hours left of hell bent and BOY HOWDY do I have some thoughts!!

🛑!!Spoilers below!!🛑

BWAHAHAHA I am being so fulfilled and validated!! Im glad it worked out so that this check in is right before they descend into hell and everything

All my mercy and pammie nerd bonding dreams are coming true. Leigh idk what I did to personally deserve this but ty

TRIPPPPP he’s back my golden retriever is back!!! Not doing so hot but he’s had it p good in life so far. Can’t wait to see how he does in literal hell!

Abel turner continues to be the mvp!! Also just realized he’s Christian and Abel is a biblical name…..as in ‘Cain and’. I’m worried and pretending not to think abt it!! Hope he doesn’t have any older siblings!! “Your demonic boyfriend” on the floor. I Gagged. when I heard that. turner stop giving the people what we want idk if we can handle it

I’m deeply concerned about the status of darlingdemon’s physical body?? Is that what’s at black elm or not?? If they’re only bringing his soul back what are they planning on putting it in???

While I am a little overwhelmed by the addition of yet more seemingly unrelated plot intrigue, linus rider has been an absolute blast so far!! The whole time Alex was comparing Ariel and eitan and Len and drug dealers generally to vampires she was on the nose!!! I kinda wonder how eitan is gonna play into the more supernatural plot lines now. Could he be a vampire??

ALSO, odds that Linus is the terrible new Lethe supervisor whose name I can’t remember’s long lost lover??? Any takers?? Speaking of whom, wow! I have never well and truly disliked a character so quickly! I feel like Leigh made him so intentionally dislikeable right off the bat that something is gonna happen later to turn that on its head, idk what yet. It’s never what you see is what you get with miss Bardugo…….

Speaking of dislikeable, anselm’s cool card is revoked for being a creep! Drain him dry Alex!!! Although that whole convo was pretty enjoyable I will admit. I like the juxtaposition of him with darlington, anselm being the sort of jaded realist darlington might have grown into if he weren’t…darlington

Speaking of vampires and dislikeable, huge fan of the scene where Alex tells darlington’s parents to eat shit and die!!! And Alex seeing DTA3’s memories, that was sooooo good. Also COSMO……my funky little guy….what are Bowie cat’s secrets I am dying to know!!! What if he really is David Bowie, and David Bowie was a demon the arlingtons made a deal with way back in the day. (Minus the David Bowie part that is an actual theory)

The part where pammie and Alex fought…… :(. Shit hurted pretty good I must say

Just WHAT is going on with Michelle???? I literally have no ideas do we really think she might be linked to the murders?? Is SHE a demon?? I take back everything I said abt her being meh I am deeply intrigued

Sexy gardener lauren ahahaha. When it was mentioned that the ritual is supposed to have a whole bunch of people all together keeping time on the surface while ppl are going to hell my immediate thought was that they were somehow gonna bring their liquor treat party to the ritual site and blast music. Still think that would be fun but idk if it would make sense. Does feel like some mercy type innovation though, and it would rope Lauren into the plot a lil more

Because I’m a hornball thirstgremlin with repressed anger issues I am DESPERATE for a scene with demon Danny threatening someone who’s been giving alex shit. My top picks are eitan and Linus, anselm is also a candidate. lord imagine demon darlington policing the houses of the veil, that would serve them goddamn right

I’m wondering if we’re going to get any more answers about Alex’s nature any time soon? What tf is a wheelwalker? What was her grandma’s deal? (Cool lady all the memories of her are so compelling) what was her DAD’s deal? Is her mom really that spacey or is there something more to all of her flakiness? I am SO curious!!!! What if her dad was connected to Lethe somehow!!

I’m also enjoying the further intrigue abt lethe’s origins and the gauntlet. Never trust an organization that’s main purpose is to uphold the greater broken institution yall

And still we don’t know wtf is going to be the deal in november!!!!!

See y’all in another four hours ig 👀

#alex stern #leigh bardugo #ninth house #hell bent spoilers #hell bent

[ignisregina]

Do you have any ships for Marianne or Daighre? If you do, would you like to gush about them?

i woke up to this (two days ago lol) and was like 'whoa don't give me too much platform about this topic' hahaha

okay just IM GIVING YOU ONE LAST CHANCE TO BACK OUT lol no too late for that. this isn't just romantic ships but also friendships because uwu i love it when someone adopts marianne.

aight so fiiiirst, @dcwnthercbbithcle IDK MAN, I THINK WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING EACH OTHER FOREVER why did we just talk now coz Fiadh and my baby just clicked together so well. i'm always super happy to find muses that are involved in the cycle one verse coz i think marianne is somehow a different person back then living a different life altogether. it's a pretty confined life, yes, and that's why i'm so happy she has fiadh aka literal force of nature. i think bunni just knows how to talk to me coz we just keep yelling back and forth at each other about daighre and fiadh and it's all fun and games until your bestie chooses to kick the bucket on you after all you've been through - literal lore getting written because of their shenanigans, going through a war and grief, balancing their domains and friendship together, and then she's gone and you have to go through your long lame life alone. and the best part is meeting again in the future and knowing things have changed between them but they're kinda clinging to some semblance of the past, one because she remembers, the other coz she does not. HAVE YOU SEEN THE LONG HEADCANONS BUNNI WRITES FOR THEM I CANNOT I AM CRY

next is allie. i'm so thankful for @wildcxrds for being marianne's first bestie when she got back in the rp scene. i love this because they share the same element - fire - but have veeery different dispositions. where marianne is temperamental, allie is patient. where marianne is quick to anger, allie is all patience. and extra points because allie is an orphan and yet she's the one who sort of adopted marianne. anyway, i'm so glad i'm seeing you around again! excited to write with you once more!!!

@cfgcdsandmcnsters's malakai. this guys should be a lesson to all that when you say "sEnD shIppY meMes EvEn if wE DoN'T hAVe A shIP" WILL GET YOU A MEME AND A SHIP AHAHAHA. oKAY BUT FIRST LET ME SAY THAT LILA IS LITERALLY THE BEST HGJSFGJSHDFGJHG SO AMAZINg. I'm so terribly sorry Marianne isn't as creative as Malakai and all she can come up with is a dumb nickname while she gets something poetic AF ahahahaha. I'm sorry what, i can't hear you over eventide sun HAHAHAHA. he's sooo gentle with her and it kinda annoys her? like 'wtf you can't always put me first, mal'. never thought marianne would ever hang out in a punk club but what can we do...

@vihilum and i one day jumped on discord and just planned the entire dynamics of reed and marianne and HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? OH yes because i randomly doodled a thing and bam! ship. anyway, i know you're not here a lot but i just want to say anyway that i loved what we talked about and your enthusiasm for their dynamics. your demon child reed will always have a home in marianne whenever your guys are back.

and you're last @heksery because i can (no because you have two, wtf that's illegal). this is funny coz we were both out of tumblr when it happened, there were memes before there were even ships, and honestly, the ships happened because of the memes. ironically, i haven't finished the meme that started this. it's not much but i will finish it anyway otherwise i will feel like i've tricked u into doing this HAHAHAHA. i think i once said their trope is found family but how to unfind them HAHAHA i love that Marianne gets some degree of pass from jules and pat HAHAHAHA

if you've heard of fun's some nights "coz i could use some friends for a change", i guess that's her thing with jules especially. like, does she fully trust jules? no, but she's not looking for someone who will 100% not stab her in the back and who has a shiny moral compass. she's there for jules' strength and no-nonsense attitude and her begrudging way of showing love because, i think, at the back of her mind marianne knows she has also this begrudging way of accepting love. if jules wants to take care of people but she doesn't wanna admit it, marianne wants to be taken care of but HAHA she doesn't recognize it either so jules can insult her and she can angrily accept.

idk what she liked about patrick. he's hot? but yeah no kidding, it's probably that plus the swag and power and his hair lol. that's soooo sexy to her but also annoying AF. and your boi can't resist egging her on and she can't resist wanting to take him down a notch but they have to watch their tempers because it's either breaking the bed or breaking the house probably. just like with jules, i don't think marianne would ever admit it but she feels safe in his presence because she knows he could take her attitude and he could also take her on - in a banter, in a fight, in *ahem* other stuff - like in terms of power he can match her. so it's basically the touch her and you die but also touch him and you die so just let me scream quietly in my corner thanks

haha oh well i think that's all. i probs said too much, but hey, you asked XD I just wanna thank everyone who puts up with me about this ahahaha *sinks back to the sea*

#(.ask me i should know: answered) #haha thank you for asking uwu #i hope your breakfast/lunch/dinner is fine AF

[banzoin]

wanted to talk about moon knight, as coming from a system.

most of this is copy pasted from a twitlonger i made, but i wanted to add some more here

tldr: moon knight was an incredible display of did and i'm glad we have media depicting it as such. however too many people refuse to research into it after watching, yet insist upon making jokes about it. it's tiring.

okay apparently im fucking stupid and you cant add a fucking post break from mobile so just take it all as is

very personal input

while i can't speak for the comics, i absolutely completely and thoroughly enjoyed moon knight.

media depicting did/osdd is few and far between and what we do have is... well we have never seen any that are /actually good/. so i was extremely apprehensive so start watching this but ended up enjoying it so much that i watched it (almost) all at once.

before i continue, as of writing this, this is san. there is someone in cofront but he doesn't care to add anything. the others may want to add their input later (specifically i want lira to write some because our relationship feels much like steven and marc), but i can't say for sure. so anyways — onto how i personally feel about moon knight and it's depiction of did.

marc. i understand marc to an almost startling degree — to the point where episodes 2 and 5 sent me into a panic attack but that's just... i have problems. amongst the six of us i know of, i can say undoubtedly that i am... disliked, to put it mildly. the end of episode 2 really struck a cord. i can't say i ever felt what steven did — anger, fear, disgust? but, that feeling of being trapped is one that i definitely know. when steven tells marc that he's ruined his life, he's terrible, he wished he wasn't there, etc. it was very personal. there have been many times in which an attempt to help — we focus heavily on kali and keeping kali feeling safe and stable — just didn't work out the way i thought it would. there are so many times that my attempts to help (and still most times i think whatever it was i did was the right call) were met with "san is ruining our life". the way they portrayed marc's anger, confusion, hurt, etc. to steven thinking that about him was... very, very well done. episode 5 too was... sheesh. marc's desperate attempts to keep steven from remembering the truth of what happened to them — not wanting to ruin the balance that they've created, the freedom of having a 'break' of sorts from stress through steven... yeah. Yeah. "you were never supposed to know. you got to live a carefree, happy life. isn't that enough?"

serious points aside, i think the banter was very nice as well. i like the cofronting approach to writing because it's something that i personally understand well because that is our constant. personally enjoyed moments like "if it comes down to it... kill the hippo, steal the boat" "NO?" because it reminds me deeply of lira and i. i think early on, the way steven so desperately tries to deny what is happening upon discovery and hating the idea of marc, is very... much like how i know kali still views me.

i can not comment on their relationship with/views of jake because, well, if we have alters we don't know of as well then... there's no way for me to write about those. heart emoji

i might remember more i want to say later, but for now my final topic will be: the way layla treats them when she learns about the presence of steven. i, personally, think it's very, very sweet. there is a level of understanding there that i so desperately wish we had received in the past. the initial "you must be lying to guilt trip me" response is understandable after all that happened between them, but i love how when she realizes that oh. no, this is for real. there was no teasing, there was no passive aggressiveness, there was nothing negative. there was this understanding that the man she loved went through something horrible and this is part of him. she never blamed steven either for when she thought marc killed her father, she never blamed him for anything the other did.

also i lied the final topic will be how i need people to stop babying them. using one of the scenes where steven fronts after marc has a literal breakdown in the street after being forced to confront his trama as a aww the poor baby:( type of scene. making jokes about "marcs other personalities".

im sure i will remember more things specifically that bug me to hell and back so i will edit this. i will add more. i will have the others add more too

#i fucking hate using tumblr on mobile by the way #anyways #moon knight

[mosviqu]

i hope your birthday hasn't sucked all too much today bar :( if today wasnt good then i wish you the happiest year(s) ahead!! i hope your twenties treat you even better than the way gomez treats morticia and i hope you receive so much support on the decisions you make and i wish you'll achieve everything you set your mind to!! you're such a constant and safe and fun space for me and have been for the longest since i have been here and you're someone i have always admired for all kinds of things and at one point you were my tumblr mom and also my wife for a brief moment in time it doesn't matter if you forgot but i will always remember that 😞🫶 anyways thanks for radiating similar brain frequencies that i do and vibing with me now and then and thank you for not-so volunteering to be my test trial to see how twenties feel like. living vicariously through you always and forever. you, the coolest uncool person out there i love you mwah mwah

vie after reading this i fully had to take a moment because i teared up i was doing so well not crying on my bday this year and you ruined it >:(( thank you so so so much for everything, not only this message but also for being my friend and for making me smile and laugh and over-all existing in my life. you are a safe space for me and i am glad i can be that for you too. ive always admired you and i think i always will, since i think altho im older than u i have so much stuff to learn from you and i am so proud of you and everything you do and the person you are growing into. i never forgot about being your tumblr mum and also wife but the older we get the more you feel like a sister (altho i still wanna protect u from the world and keep u safe from the terrors that we call life). thank you for sharing the same braincells with me, being the comedian of my dash and for being here, i will gladly test the twenties for you and tell you how its like (if its too terrible ill be there to offer comfort). i love you always and forever mwah mwah <3

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

#long post #anon #ILL ADD A READMORE LATER AFTER WORK SORRYRYEHJFG

[goldenlaquer]

Had a shitty week, then i remember your silly little blog and im happier now 😭😭 wishing i was joking but im not😭😭😭. Thanks for existing and being the most wholesome and talented person to ever exist, i love you <3

Tell your shitty week that it's on sight, next time I see it ima break out moves I haven't done since '09 😡👊💥👊💥👊💥 Terrible joke aside, you still wrangled your way through it— I am so very glad and proud of you for that!! I'd drink to that 🍻! Also, thank you so much for this incredibly sweet message, it makes me very warm that my silly little blog was able to give you some comfort— definitely needed that for meself. I love you and make sure you take extra good care of yourself, 'tis important.

[1d1195]

BESTIE OMG THAT NEW SERIES YOU STARTED ?!?!?? WHAT OMG IM IN LOVE ALREADY?!??😭

I am a SUCKER for a good love at first sight moment! And it’s mixed with a classic Friends to lovers trope?!! And it’s based in a college setting(will for sure be living through them!) AND BOTH ARE HOPELESS ROMANTICS?!?!?😭 HELLO?!?! THIS IS HITTING SO WELL ALREADY!!!

ngl with how Harry is like obsessed with finding his person anywhere/anytime, it reminded me of the Harry that you wrote about in your soulmates fic. I don’t remember the name at the moment but their little tattoo/mark thing was a coffee/tea cup and both were also hopeless romantics! Anyways I love when characters are like that bc honestly at heart I am one too lol and the bumping into each other moment was just too good! I AM EATING THIS UP!

Oh and him waiting for her after class to walk together is just CUTE! Oh and you know I love me some jealous Harry so when the MC was talking to that class friend was just so 🤭 plus she’s her! And her little quirks that she has is just adorable like giving him candy, those terrible(in a good way) jokes she’s made, and THE SMORES comment omg 😭 oh amd you know what’s wild a good friend of mine that I met in my first year of college, our friendship began because she actually EMAILED me about being friends/study buddies?! ANWAYSS and her not being use to the cold is so me I fear if I lived anywhere outside of California I would suffer for sure, I start freezing when it hits 65 degrees😭

BUT the little info about her parents meeting on campus and she kinda hopes to do the same(we already know she has!) IS JUST PERFECT!

I probably didn’t make any sense and probably missed so much but ahhhh very much loved reading this! I’m always so in awe of how much ideas you have that are just so creative and wonderful to read! Thank you bestie, you know I love you!-💜

I'm so glad you're in love already 😭💕😍

Our twin-telepathy is in full force. I am also a sucker for love at first sight. Friends to lovers? say less. College? even better! As I've mentioned before, I'm a total nerd and if $$ was no object I would be a student for life just collecting degrees. I'm def a hopeless romantic myself too, in case you couldn't tell 😉

I had an anon say I would write soulmates really well and I don't want to say I agree because I do get the feeling my stories are a little cookie cutter, BUT i do LIKE writing about soulmates. I will continue to let y'all decide if it's good or not hehehe

I'm glad you like jealous Harry, he'll be back I think 🤭 I also did the whole email someone in the class--have actually, several times. Gotta draw from experience on some of this, y'know. I cannot relate about the cold. The part of her about hating the heat that's ALL me. i get so cranky. 50 degrees out and my window is OPEN.

I am so appreciative of you always taking time to comment on the little things I add to my writing. I like to think of them as little sprinkles but they can totally get lost in the shuffle so it's always nice to see someone saw them 💕

Enjoy your weekend!

xoxo

#💜 #my friend's toyota