#but also part of their issue is just that their personalities dont mesh

[highlifeboat]

Elena and Max just try to strike a conversation and it somehow leads to them talking about trauma. Just because it's one of the few things they share.

It goes for some time, but doesn't really lead to anything. At least Bela and Dani are happy, that they are "getting along" :p

Elena and Max are definitely the type that are like "We only talk when someone else is around." Like they NEED somebody to bridge the conversation for them or it just spirals into "This happened to me." "Damn. This happened to me." "That sucks." and they end up sitting in silence because they run out of things to talk about.

And really that only gets them so far. They have maybe a handful of one on one conversations, and they're all pretty short and stilted.

But other than like... general breakfast/dinner table talk where they might be part of a discussion, it's nothing

And it's funny because they aren't really that different.

They both read, but they're into different genres, they both grew up in the Village, but neither want to talk about that, or if they do it's very limited, they both enjoy board games, but Max likes Chess and Elena likes Checkers, they both bury their trauma and treat it like nothing, but don't have enough sympathy/care for each other to get anything meaningful from talking about it.

They're similar, but they aren't friends, they couldn't tell anybody one thing about the other beyond surface stuff, they don't even really get along that well. And they're perfectly fine being that way. Because they also don't hate each other. They're just kinda like "Yep. That's a person in my life that my potential sister in law cares about. They're fine."

Bela and Daniela are just happy they don't fight, honestly. Like, it's painful conversation to watch because it's really awkward, but they'd rather their partners have stilted conversations (or even just sit in silence) than fight constantly.

#especially since bela and max also don't really get on #she probably doesn't care whether or not elena is friends with max she just likes that they tolerate one another #asks #horror lady00 #they're the type that only hang out together because melony is also hanging out with them #but also part of their issue is just that their personalities dont mesh #elena doesn't like that max is constantly crude or a jerk or making some kind of innuendo and just seems to have a disregard for others #feelings in general #and max doesn't like that elena always tries to be proper or thinks all the topics she wants to talk about are ''boring'' (he does see why #bela like her nerd ass though)

[sanchoyo]

hate hate hate how beige and neutral color based menswear is. its soo hard to find like. fun patterns and pastel bright colorful things!!! and when I HAVE found them theyre runway pieces that are like. 300$ for a single pair of pants. :< masc ppl deserve fun things thatre more accessible. everytime I go to thrift stores its the same problem, like cheap stuff sure and better than fast fashion ofc, but its BORING!!! >:(

#IN HINDSIGHT THE REASON I RLY DONT LIKE PANTS A LOT IS BC MY TUMMY ISSUES LIKE #LOVE THE WAY TIGHT WAISTS LOOK. BUT. i ALWAYS feel vommy when i wear them ajskdfhkj but tight skirts r like that too #this year is gonna b my Pants Era tho. i...need a good pair of dress pants for interviews actually like not just me Wanting More Stuff #i HAVE pants but not any that are 'casual' or 'professional' they r. well #pink. purple. funky patterns. etc #which is my preferred way 2 dress but i kno how i gotta look in Situations.... #anyway asos and macys have surprisingly good Funky Dress Pants #tho theyre out of my budget personally. if anyone else is looking!!! #i will probably end up hitting up a thrift store or two this weekend. or maybe even today?? #i think the weather might be bad this weekend so..maybe today...gathering energy for it #sanchoyorambles #asos has GREAT slutty menswear too btw. just . in general #tiddy windows...........for men! #im not LOOKING at that im looking for dress pants but i Saw. #they also have masc pastels :) maybe when i have more money ill come back 2 them #normally im a thrift only person but....im struggling to find stuff!!! #just go to asos and search mesh or cut out and sort by mens. u wil See #if any of my followers r needing it. im doing my part spreading da word...

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for refusing to get back with an ex?

So i (21m) was in a poly relationship with S (21x) and J (24m) for about a year (so that would be when i was 20, S was 19 and J was 22)

Midway through the relationship i was going through some mental health shit so i kind of subconsciously distanced myself (my bad, i definitely shouldve been upfront about what was happening but i have vulnerability issues)

Dont get me wrong, i wasnt straight up neglectful or anything (to my knowledge?), but i really didnt go out with them as much as i used to (if one of us couldnt attend, the other two would go as a couple. It was more efficient like) and didn't really feel as much "honeymoon" intensity if that makes sense

I think its also important to note that once i was semi-able to pull myself out of my rut i decided to start these big art projects to show my appreciation for them and also kind of make up for my distance, like that shit took up my time and sleep and effort. i felt like i wanted to take the next step from casual dating to something actually serious with a future and everything because getting out of my spiral made me remember how much i loved them

So i called them up and found out that they kind of... kicked me off the polycule?? It was this weird situation where they thought I was leaving them behind so they also fully moved in together and started acting like a regular couple without me. obviously i was pissed, and S apologized and tried to communicate which i really appreciate, but J was just doubling down blaming me. At the time i was so angry i turned it into a full out yelling match

I realized it wasnt healthy nor working out and broke it off fully, telling S we could still be friends but cutting J off entirely. I gave all J's shit that was still at my place back to S, blocked J's number and scrapped my project altogether

Fast forward to present day, and im in a completely unrelated relationship with two people i love with all my heart, and by this time ive healed and mended my relationship with S enough that i thought we could start over and add them to the polycule (to be clear my current partners like them too and are on board). We did do that, it's going great and i'm remembering why i loved S so much in the first place

The issue is that S is still with J, and while J doesn't have any issues with both of us separately dating S, S wants all of us to reunite again for old times sake and its very obvious that theyre still holding onto the old versions of us and what we used to be. I say no, i dont even like J anymore and havent spoken to him in forever so why the hell would i care?? Ive grown and changed so much in the time after our relationship that i wouldnt even fit into the nostalgic mold that you want me to be a part of and i dont think J would either

The thing is J does also seem like hes interested in starting over. S said he's grown a lot since, but i think our personalities just dont mesh and ive also just fallen fully out of love with him. It seems to break S's heart, but they get it and don't bother me about it anymore. On the other hand J respects my decision but is still like passive aggressively annoyed about how seriously i took it, saying it was mostly my fault and i took drastic measures for nothing.

Aita?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[colourful-void]

Of the popular Carmine interpretations (and carmine and kieran relationship interpretations) ive seen, none of them vibe quiteee right with me, so here's mine.

carmine is not a good sister to Kieran but she’s also not a bad person. not because she's not trying to be a good sis or because she doesn't like him, etc etc, but because they're at a point rn where they dont mesh right, and no one is stepping in to mediate or help them. Like the fact is Carmine Is an angry and abrasive person, who truly does care about her village and the people she cares about. She does love Kieran and Kieran does love her, and I think they both know that. But the way she treated Kieran Did contribute to his self doubt issues. Carmine and Kieran’s relationship Isn’t Healthy! But fuck, it’s not beyond repair. There’s still love there, there’s a future they can have. Being around a person who constantly and consistently gets angry, esp if that person is someone in power over u (like ur older sister) fucks a guy up! Even when you know that person loves you especially if you know they love you!

Carmine is an angry person and you know what sometimes people are like that! But look at them… I think they reached a point where Carmine shooing Kieran off was seen as just… Fine with everyone involved, because “(she) didn’t hit him or anything”. She's not lashing out at him trying to be awful she's not trying to hurt him.

Who’s giving Carmine a proper outlet? She’s got battle, is that helping anything? Her primary Pokémon is Morpeko, the Pokemon that switches between angry and happy. Does that make one side any less real than the other? Does being angry mean she’s not really loving? Does being loving mean she’s not really angry? Does loving Kieran mean she didn’t hurt him?

You’re a teen, and you’re angry. Over all sorts of things, some little and some large, but it doesn’t really matter as much as the fact that She’s Angry. It doesn’t matter why. It's not something you can help, you can put on a nice face, but you're still upset about things, and you should be! What do you do about it? You can't bottle it up. You’ll break, and you're bad at it anyway. Get mad at your teachers? Get in trouble. Get mad at your grandparents? Get in trouble. There’s no place safe to Feel Angry, but you Have to FEEL you can’t help it! You can’t help it. So you let yourself get a little angry at your brother, cause he doesn’t mind. You're still holding back, anyhow. He knows you still love him. He knows. He has to know right? It’s not that you dislike him, he just gets you so mad sometimes and- you still love him. You’re just bad at showing it, but he’s always stood up for you, you hear it even though he tries to keep it quiet. And maybe your brother's a little quiet and a little nervous, but he's always like that. it's fine. Things are fine.

You're a teen, and your sister keeps getting angry at you. And you hardly did anything wrong, but you're never quite enough. Not with her, not with school, not with any kind of "friends" (which you don't have). Cause your sister is so so strong and you really do look up to her, so much, even if she gets mad at you, cause you know she cares you know that. But maybe if you were stronger, she wouldn’t get so upset with you… Part of you knows that isn't true. Part of you starts to believe it anyway. You're used to this, and it's not awful so... it must be fine. It's fine.

And you're brother and sister, outcasts in your own town, so if you squabble a bit, it’s normal right? That’s fine. It’s not broken enough to fix, and everything wears away and away till it breaks. But they were outcasts anyway, troublemakers anyway, it was inevitable anyway, so there's no point doing anything. It's not really a problem, not to anyone Outside their bubble so.

Things are fine.

#before anyone comes at me saying 'oh siblings are just like that' #im not saying they cant be like that but thats not just like. #just because its normal (happens frequently) doesn't mean its like. good/healthy/ #doesnt mean its not an indication something is wrong #doesnt mean it shouldn't be Fixed #i think #and secondly: ***I**** am a big sister. to a younger brother. #or was i guess im not a girl anymore but point being. #i Was a big sister for a decade plus #and still am a big sibling today! #so i dont want people coming to me saying i know nothing about what “real siblings are like” #i only say this bcs it has Happened Before. Dont. #anyway. #pokemon #pokemon sv #sv dlc #pokemon scarlet and violet #the teal mask #pokemon the teal mask #sv dlc spoilers #scarvi dlc #scarvi dlc spoilers #trainer kieran #rival kieran #rival carmine #trainer carmine #the teal mask spoilers #pokemon teal mask

[nikethestatue]

Same anon! I'm glad someone feels as confused with acosf as I did.

What do you think sjm could've done to make acosf better? And were you satisfied with nesta's arc?

Preface by saying that I absolutely don't mind when women have harsh, unapologetic personalities. Nesta didn't need to change into something soft and pliant, to have a good arc. But I think there are a few issues with Nesta 'arc'.

It was never clarified why she had such hateful animosity towards Feyre

It also doesn't make sense why she would have such a slavish devotion to Elain

Those are two very important points which were never addressed in the book and I feel like we as readers are still confused.

Again, I dont mind imperfect sibling relationships. Much prefer it, actually, because siblings dont have perfect relationships. However, we still needed to understand why she'd call Feyre an animal/beast and slutshame her in front of their father, and just be so weirdly gross to her.

Which also doesn't mesh well with other parts of Nesta--caring, devoted, even gentle. She went to the Wall in search of Feyre. She was often kind and caring towards Elain. She fell in love with Cassian at first glance.

I think the emotional component of the book fell very flat. But so did the magical component. We never got to understand what her powers were. She, in fact, seemed kind of weak and powerless most of the book. I think the Trove and the Making of weapons were interesting and made the book readable, but also underdeveloped.

I would've wanted to see Nesta go an a physical journey--where she had to figure things out, use her wits, use her smarts, use her powers. Even if she was in Illyria with Cassian it would've been better, because she'd have to navigate an entirely new life, learn to live with him and grow with him, find friends.

There are fanfics out there that are so much better than the book. They weave interesting stories, they make Nesta DO something. Not just sit in HoW. She is also independent, even if she is with Cassian. Her actions aren't constantly connected or dependent on him.

Think of the scene in Prison, when they go and meet Lanthys and find the Harp. THat was a great scene from every angle. Now imagine a whole book like that! That's a microcosm of a fantastic story--there is an interesting villain, there is mystery, actual temptation, choice to be made, there is action and fighting, there is devotion, there is love, there is magic.

Instead, we got a confusing sex fest, yoga lessons and friendship bracelets, and the weakest villain in history.

[antiloreolympus]

7 Anti LO Asks

1. any time someone excuses bad LO art as "thats just her style!" it's clearly someone who isn't an artist. we know RS graduated art school and all but it's clear especially by now that's all been forgotten for the sake of monetary gain. What was unique in the beginning (strong use of color, lighting, composition, etc) has been forgone for out of place sketchup backgrounds, rushed coloring, anatomy failures, and lazy compositions. it just doesnt look good anymore and hasnt for a long time.

2. i feel like everything happening in lo would make more sense if it was spread over months/years instead of hourly. the fact it's nearly 200+ eps and it's only covered at most a month is absolutely ridiculous and makes the characters make no sense and like their change entire characterizations and goals within a few minutes. it also cuts down on any stakes when any supposed high tension moments are undercut by the fact theyre fixed as hour or so later in universe.

3. TBH i liked the idea of the limited color palette in the beginning but it's by now one of LO's worst ideas. when it was just a limited cast to the original hymn the limited colors were unique to each character, which is a good thing. but now there's 200+ other characters who repeat the same coloring (despite there being a whole color wheel to use) that even dedicated fans get confused who is who. rachel refusing to rein herself in isnt just bad for the story, it weakens the visuals as well.

4. tbh this is a modern media issue esp on the internet but its so obvious lo readers (and rachel literally designed "persephone" to be this way) project themselves onto persephone, which is why they get so defensive to defend her and justify all her awful actions/traits because they see it an personal insult to them as well. rachel does the same thing in making persephone both designed off herself and her bering her idealized self. its really not a healthy way to interact with fictional beings,

5. Why does Rachel always use poc/minority features when a character is considered bad or in a sexual manner?? Whenever Persephone is the victim or meek she suddenly has euro-centric features and no curves?? Sure. The racism is radiating. How the fuck are you going to play that off as an artistic choice?? Quirky not having the talent of being consistent ig.

From OP: I don’t think it’s racism, RS is just extremely inconsistent. I do hate how she plays her inconsistency off as being flexible and part of the charm. Like, it’s not a good thing in a comic for your characters to change body types in back to back episodes or even from panel to panel.

6. The dynamic between Hades and Persephone is literally based on a different lgbt couple. Just straight. Like how did the author even get away with it and even got all the big publishing deals but the other author didn't?? Like.... is it because Rachel is white or... 🤔 🤔

7. i dont think rachel gets this but having every single woman throw themselves at hades and talking about how much sex he has doesnt actually prove to us hes a desirable partner?? like he could be as unexperienced as persephone because it matters more that hes just like, a well written character who meshes well with persephone and they have chemistry together, not that rachel keeps insisting he has soooo much sex and every woman is in love with him. just?? have him be a character??? that's it??

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

[quiveringdeer]

the worst part about always "just getting by" when it comes to life is that i'm slow to notice when I've crawled myself into a deep as fuck depression pit that i now realize has been going on for at least a month if not longer...

i also dont like being the person to break up with someone cause im left with all these what ifs and maybe I coulda just worked on my issues within the relationship even though i have valid reasons of us not being compatible but he's so sweet and so understanding and accepting through it all and just wants whats best for me and im like damn, am i ever gonna find that in someone again? even though the constant anxiety of whatif scenarios about eventually meshing our lives or even meeting his friends and family left me unsettled. and yet here i am still stressed over all the whatifs. like at least if he had dumped me i could just move on and be like, good growing experience woot. i just want a step by step guide ok. fuck this free form choose your own adventure bullshit.

#nat rants #i want to cry but dont even have the energy #and my life isnt even that bad #compared to other situations #but fuck if it doesnt feel awful right now

[bullfroganarchy]

rating my past and current hyperfixations

(these are all media ones, bc my only non media one is fashion history)

Honorable mentions:

Less is Morgue(podcast): 10/10 not enough fan content for me to form a full on hyperfixation but its only a matter of time. its funny, well written and has good rep, plus i dont need a wiki to keep track of every single character.

Mnemosyne(podcast): 8/10 same reason as less is morgue, also it just has less eps out, but the potential is there., something about the audio doesnt mesh really well with me, and i have hard time figuring out whats going on because of it. thats just a me thing though, listen to it if you like space and questions about morality!

The Penumbra Podcast: 6/10 the concept didnt appeal to me as much as a thought it would. the kissing noises are the reason i can only listen to a episode a month. writings good though. 

Past Hyperfixations:

Warrior Cats(book): 5/10 this was my first hyperfixation, and baby i clung on to this shitty series for waay too long. it was my first intro to fanfic(thank you quotev) and fanfiction(though this was of my ocs). it got me into writing and art, so thank you Erin Hunter. . the books were ok, i wasnt neck deep into the fandom so i cant say much on that but it made me wish i could roleplay online. that is a transgression i can never forgive.  

FNAF(game):1/10 honestly not that bad all things considered. it did cause my deep dive into horror, which almost landed me into creepypasta, but i didnt. i was around when phone guy was drawn with a actual phone as a head and purple guy was dubbed vincent. do with that what you will. im still mad about my fav fnaf fic(also on quotev) that updated last in 2017 on a cliff hanger. it gets a low score because of scott cawthon. shout out to matpat for carrying this one till its death. the songs still are bangers. 

DDLC(game): 8/10, nothing much to say, this one was short and sweet. the game was good, the fan songs were good, and i really liked my time with it. 

Voltron(show): 4/10. i was fresh queer preteen when this show came out. i binged all but the final season, and thank god for that, however, this show made a worse person. i got bullied off of amino a mere twenty minutes after making a account thanks to voltron(thats when i learned self inserts stay to yourself, even if you post about it on your own account). i got queerbaited and i will die mad. good fanfics though.  

Undertale(game): 7/10. i mostly stuck to wattpad and ao3 at this point in time, never really engaging with the fan base besides from that. all i can say is thank god. the game was good and memorable. however this hyperfixation introduced me to, and desensitized me to, s3lfc3st, inc3st, really scary sex practices, and general fucked up things. thank you toby fox, no thanks to whoever made learn that tags are Really Important

Current Hyperfixation:

The Magnus Archives(podcast):8/10. my first ever fiction podcast. i genuinely like it, but i cant think about it for too long or else certain issues i have make in near unejoyable. the fan content is Fantastic, i realized i was ace because of one of the fics, and it made me want to write horror again. downsides are i had to check the wiki alot when listening, and some of the writing choices made me go ‘oh were doing that? huh. that isnt as good as what i thought was going to happen’. also i didnt cry for any of the deaths, granted i stop listening after season five. i still know the entire plot however. 

Undertale; part two electric boogaloo: 10/10. this is only for the three blogs i follow on here ( @theninjamouse @popatochisssp @skelezbian if you must know) all their fics are wonderful and sustaining me through my lingering undertale hyperfixation.  i have nothing but good words to share. 

#less is morgue #mnemosyne #fnaf #warrior cats #undertale #doki doki literature club #the penumbra podcast #voltron #the magnus archives #hyperfixations #yes i was the coolest and worst kid ever #i got the curse of multiple hyperfixations at once #they fight for dominance and the winner gets control over my personality #am i ballsy for tagging my favorite fanfic writers? absoultely #at least im not tagging less is morgue. #i know those guys got a blog and everything

[the-red-avocado]

Some more things to get to know Roma a little better

Maybe its a lot but bear with me

She'd Ofc a doctor, but this girl is not filled with compassion and care, no, she is filled to the brim with hatred and spite

Scared of moths, especially the furry ones

Loves marigolds 👀

Nails are always manicured and relatively long

I dont think ive mentioned it bit shes got lotsssss of freckles! On her face and body

Roma is a pretty private person, always has a wall up and always bares her teeth, she tends to push people away in order to not get hurt

This is mostly because of a rocky relationship with her mother, who tends to be overbearing and verbally abusive

A big part of why she moved to a different family house is to get away from her mother

Her father was absent for a large part of her childhood, and thats a big reason as to why her mother is so spiteful

She definitely bottles up her emotions, all except anger, because she thinks that it always helped her more than any other

And shes pretty honest, wouldnt lie unless its necessary

She's pretty easy to win over through humor, as much as she denies, she loves it when people tell her jokes

Around close friends, shes always smiling

Speaking of friends, she keeps her circle tightknit, anyone else is an acquaintance

Because of this people obviously assume she's rude, but I think shes rather polite, as long as the same respect is given back

She Doesnt always wear color, the usual would be baggy brown/black pants and a fitted shirt or a corset/bodice top, the rebellious teen in her makes her show as much skin as possible, scandalous even

She incorporates color through jewelry and coats

Shes got this little black dress that reaches to the floor with a sweetheart neckline and mesh/lace sleeves (its so cute i swear, i had to mention it)

She isnt all that gloomy, she enjoys color but she thinks black/darker colors look better on her

So that means if she thinks a colorful outfit would look good on her, she'll wear it

Usually she wears her hair down or half pulled back, though sometimes she wears it in a single braid or two separate braids (mostly to bed tho)

It may be unbelievable but she in fact does have a set of morals, of course nobody knows what they are but I can tell you theyre sappy and nObLE (she knows this and its why she Doesnt share them)

Has exactly 1 pair of high heels, everything else is either boots or flats

Allergic to hamsters :(

Has a bit of a drinking problem, vodka and good ol whiskey are her faves tho

When she drinks tho, turns into a completely different person: loud, chaotic, and pretty emotional

HATES smoking

I suppose one flaw of hers is that she can be too mean sometimes, sure shes sarcastic, but sometimes its too much and she ends up hurting people

Another is her anger issues, yikes, kinda explosive and a very specific set of things can make her snap

When shes angry its not a pretty sight, and i feel like she got that from her mother

Anywhoooo

Her way of flirting is just playful banter, she'll argue your ear off thats for sure but you wont regret it ;)

Hand holding is a favorite of hers too, she would literally cling on to your arm

Acts of service is another one of her love languages, sitting in silence together, that kind of stuff

Shes dated a lot of people in the past, so i think Shes pretty experienced in that department

Not a morning person for sure, itll be 10 am and she'd still be knocked out

As a teen, she would sneak out with her sister and go to midnight parties, she'd come back at 3 am and sleep for 12 hours straight

Also as a teen she was loud as fuck, constantly angry and didnt have much control over feelings as she does now

I think Shes gotten calmer, caring less of the opinions of others and going through obstacles with a logical and swift mind, she knows that in the grand scheme of things she'll be okay, and that assurance, that gut feeling soothes any troubles

Shes also got a pistol named Duke Roy Lemonshire

Vanilla is her fav ice cream

(Prefers soda, coke or sprite)

Fav food is lasagna :D

Fav stuffed animal is a bear named snortle

Used to have cockatiels but they died of old age :(

Hates tea, likes her coffee w a lot of sugar

(Because I luv piercings atm) she's got a tongue stud, a bellybutton piercing, a nose piercing on her left nostril, and a looooot of rings and studs on her ears, most of them Shes done herself

Shes also got a tattooed sleeve left arm(mostly protection charms and various images),and several more tattoos across her body:

A dragon on her right outer thigh

A small seahorse on her hip (left)

A coral snake around her left ankle

A quote on her right arm, "aut viam inveniam aut faciam"

And also a little cat tattoo on her shoulder (right)

#crepuscolo #nicky valentino crepuscolo #Roma #red's rambles

[starfruits-world]

CC Making Journal day 7- Collars, tailoring, transparent patterns, LODs.

Aka what started as a night full of hope and excitement over nipple lace button downs turns into bowling alley manager uniforms, tiramisu, irl shirt theft, screaming about paint buckets, and disappointment. Yuuri making his cute face is all I can stand. I didnt even go in game for this shirt I was so disappointed. 

First realization- when the mesh is ugly as fuck there is no saving the piece. Just start over. 

Second realization- half sleeve will never be flattering

No matter how these jazzy looking boy pose:

BUt I started off realizing this piece was not a simple 4 piece suit. No- it had many moving parts. So I made my first button down. The original piece had these hideous buttons:

I was pretty happy here.I had, after all, created my first button down with the two pieces n the back, the trim, collar, the whole 9 yards! A certain tofu loving dragon helped me find a collar pattern guide after they caught me blindly making the worst collar known to man on stream. Thank you for your guidance. (I also wasnt sure if the collar was 1,2,or 3 pieces so I stole a shirt from my dads closet. Its still on my bed. I may keep it. He doesnt need it anyway. Its so soft) We were still so naive though. Dofu tried to warn me about the weird sleeve length and frumpy sleeve holes. But I didnt listen. I was too busy screaming:

Yes I did a little peak at the stammi vicino possibilities. I felt so close.But then...

Then... 

It came to open it in S4s...

(at least the white swatch is clean)

And I was met with a huge disappointment. The shoulders are rounded hideously. and the collar stands up weird. And I cant for the love of me figure out where the sim waist pant line is on the Sims 4 male rig for MD. 

Basically I achieved the silhouette “Boy stuffs himself into a button down that is much to small for him” DX I mean if we wanna play chubby Yuuri it works. 

The waist UV didnt copy over from the sim so he has a different body shape. This keeps happening on tops I have partial transparency on so I think this is related to that issue. As I learn more I realize the issues on my cc are all fixable at their various step. Yuuris waist is supposed to be SNATCHED 

Okay some may think the shirt doesnt look bad on Yuuri, right? But I knew something was wrong....when I put it on Victor and his shoulder SUNK INTO HIS BODY: 

THIS IS WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE. 

Oh the disappointment I was met with. Victors beautiful broad shoulders. Decimated. 

(Oh speaking of decimate i managed to get this mesh to be under 12k and then I imported it into s4s it JUMPED TO 20K AND I WAS SHOOK LIKE WTF SO OF COURSE MY OTHER 3 LOD DECIMATES WERE ALL HUGE POLY COUNTS. NONE OF THEM NEAR 500 FOR LOD 3). I was annoyed but had bigger monsters with this piece.

Already deterred by some much disappointment, I almost didnt want to continue on. But I roped my friend in again and we went at the Lace texture. BC AS UGLY ASTHE MESH WAS, THE TRANSPARENCY WORKED. SO I failed the war but won the mission. We shared a few pic me up photos of our good boys and powered on. 

And then I found out in PS version 20 there is NO PAINT BUCKET TOOL.

After screaming over no paint buckets (silently bc my discord audio broke) we tried like 10 different methods. I tried to follow along but boyyyy I had no idea what mask laters or rasterize was. I dont even know how to rotate and combine photos in PS. I was in pain. Perhaps I am still traumatized. But not enough to not keep trying.

By then it was 3am and I had inhaled a piece of tirimisu cake to fend off sadness. I ate my late dinner from a paper plate like the sad bachelorette I am and watched again and again as my friend tried to explain how to make the transparency work. 

Eventually they got it to work. I did but I had the pattern too small. So it was useless. 

Anyway, I had to show SOMETHING so I tried Archive actions weird pants that I cant put on literally any outfit bc its clips awfully on the sim and BAM

CANT YOU JUST SEE HIM IN A BOWLING ALLEY?!?!? UGH

Anyway credits to StinkyDofu here on tumblr and the victuuri birb server, Otaku Sim server, random twitter followers who will not see this image or else my follower count will continue to drop, and NO THANK YOU TO HALF SLEEVED SHIRTS. 

Also heads up usually im not a negative person and wont be as harsh on cc to others as I am to myself. But this particular piece was started with such high expectations and the downfall really hurt. But, like I said, this is all for learning so I will keep going. I love this process fully.

It was calming, the boring parts of cc making. Lowering poly with edge loop deleting, extruding edges, uv mapping, texturing. I love the process no one wants to show in their time skips. 

I’ve already linked the tutorials I used in my last journal. So today i’ll advise yall to watch Grafity-cc on youtube for their great speed meshing blender. I would tag but I am but a measly peasant.

Also of course follow StinkyDofu, DroSims, and Poeticfalls for my sim inspo, teachers, and friend groups. 

#cc making journal #daily cc challenge #ts4cc #ts4 male cc #BOWLING ALLEY AESTHETIC

[cas-rivaille]

Heyyyyyyy I’d like to request a matchup if that’s okay 👌

I’m Aspen it’s nice to meet you- I go by they/them pronouns but I really want to switch to they/he but my anxiety has been stopping me. I’m a Sagittarius and an INFP 4w3 (yes, I know I’m so sorry 🤕) and I also have ADHD and possibly autism.

I absolutely adore anything creative, I like to draw & write but I really wanna get back into acting, as the pandemic kinda fucked that up. Music. I LOVE music with a passion. I’ve always wanted to learn bass guitar but the cost of one has always shut that down. When I was a kid I’d preform solos at Christmas concerts, and I did choir for a short amount of time. Sadly dysphoria messed me up singing wise but I’d love to get back into it if I ever get to go on testosterone. So I’m hoping I can get back into music & acting this year

I make an obscene amount of sex jokes, like at this point there should be a counter cause I make ATLEAST 30 a day. The funniest part is that I’m on the ace spectrum. (I’m panromantic and a sex positive gray-ace, let’s go gamers 🦾) I’m a massive fucking fruitcup, like im as straight at a wet spaghetti noodle and it really shows in my personality. I’m very flamboyant.

I’m extremely hyperactive and social when I’m not around my family, and I’m always up to talk to someone as long as they respect my boundaries (heck I’ve had a history of being too much and scaring others away, it was kinda depressing). Even though I love to talk to people I have a bad habit of stumbling and stuttering when I get excited, so people tend to mistake that for me being shy or awkward.

I have wicked bad dysphoria and self confidence issues, but I try not to show it so I say, fake it till you make it 🦾 I also fidget ALOT in public and that I’m not ashamed of. Im trying to find a chewy fidget toy so I don’t constantly bite my hand in public 🤕

Sorry this is all over the place but quick description of myself I guess. I’m built like a twink, at the “tall” height of 5’2 or 157 cm. I have fluffy/curly hair that was originally brown, but I dyed to black after a good old fashion mental breakdown. I have blue eyes and glasses, and most typically you’ll find me in a grunge or emo aethsetic. Although I can’t stick to one for more then a month so I tend to find ways to reuse my clothes and change my aesthetic 🦾

Im so sorry this is all over the place, I just got home from work and I’m wicked tired- thank u for reading and have a good day or night 🦾🦾

AHHH OMG THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST I GOTCHU BESTIE (the way i related to half of this so much help) REQUESTS ARE ALWAYS OKAY AND ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU TOO okay lemme tell you my first thought and then i started building on that..

i match you with... *badabadaba drum roll pls* SATAN

okay so one, he would love your username (so do i LMAO). with the amount of reading satan does, i totally hc that he reads romance and drama and stuff like shakespeare so he would TOTALLY BE A SIMP FOR YOU AND YOUR ACTING BBY. he'd love your musical side to the MAX. i'm talking like will literally go to your room (would buy you a guitar) bring said guitar, and ask you to play something for him. we all know he's a needy cat bby.

(i'm totally gonna be all over the place w this request sorry).

HE LOVES YOUR HEIGHT THO LIKE JAHSHSJS THATS A WHOLE FOOT DIFFERENCE. love your style and would so be down to dye your hair whenever. let's be honest you'd need to help him with his style which ends up with you two looking like the ULTIMATE POWER COUPLE

you guys would be so c u t e i cant this man would literally do anything for you- i feel like a big chunk of the reason being your personalities mesh so well ?? i have the same personality type as satan and i have a t o n of infp people i get along with and i feel like it would be the same w him and you. he would v much appreciate your social aspect because he doesn't like people lmao. and he would find your stuttering SO CUTE AHH. all the sex jokes you make would fluster THE SHIT out of him. he would hide his blushing face in a book as you sit there with a smug look on your face LOL.

bby would totally help you with your self confidence and you two would grow together (bc we all know he's trying so hard to work on himself too we love that) and you guys would cuddle for emotional support i feel like.

totally would get you fidget stuff and is supportive of you 100%

he would also leave you love letters/notes and give you books with annotations of things that remind him of you

expect for cat boy to be completely and hopelessly in love with you and you two would match so WELL AJSJJS

(i had to throw this in but)

STUDY DATES AND COZY NIGHTS IN WINTER GRUNGE AESTHETIC VIBE AHH

pls let him try on your glasses

overall yall are SO CUTE

SORRY IF THIS WAS TOO MUCH TO READ IK HOW ADHD CAN BE I HAVE IT TOO BESTIE AND IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK ABT ANYTHING DONT BE SHY TO DM ME AND WE CAN TALK ILY BBY THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST I HOPE YOU LIKED IT

-cas :)

#obey me hc #obey me matchups #obey me satan #satan #omswd satan #ILY BBY #THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST #obey me shall we date #mars on earth

[auntfinny]

@owlbean​ said: I feel like if they’d gone the route of a spinoff trilogy in the same vein as the Warriors super editions it would have both reduced the number of books in the main series and been a less jarring switch. I know that you kinda NEED the book to establish the hagsfiend stuff because of the Striga’s whole deal but there HAD to be a more graceful way of communicating it    

I have issues with the Striga and TROW in general but that’s my personal gripes and I think the back half of the books kinda suffers from the rapid character shifts and not really knowing how to get to a predetermined conclusion                                                

yeahhh i think the series really could have benefited from some kind of proper side series/spinoff mostly with the odd formatting of just saying 9-11 were...part of the main series, right smack in the middle of the story, even tho they were kind of their own little spin off tbh. i always felt the hagsfeinds stuff couldve been explored better, in a way that meshed together the entire series. rereading the series i didnt realize how like... they were basically never brought up, aside from when Coryn is like sneaking around the skies when others think hes a hagsfiend- i really expected Hasgfiend stuff to come up way earlier lol. its a shame because while i definitely enjoy the series’ shorter length compared to the neverending hell that is Warrior Cats, and dont have a huge problem with it, i think points like this is where the length of the series kind of shows faults... mostly with how much lore gets established and hinted. sometimes these shorter, child length books, dont give them a chance to establish things better other than throwing out 3 lore heavy books outta no where.

its been sooooo long since i reread those last books and maybe it also isnt a great sign i dont recall them very well now lol. GoG wouldve benefited a lot from some kind of pre-Soren/ancient times spin off series i think or at least a better place to dump lore than just randomly after two books with the second main protag. like i know many dropped when Coryn came along, though i person loved books 7-8 switching to Coryn even if i could say some developments felt a bit rushed in book 8- it wasnt that bad knowing it would return to coryn, soren, etc....but then 9-11 come in and its like. wait slow down?? knowing ppl who dropped the series then isnt surprising. and honestly its probably the one biggest flaw of a series that is child focused, cuz i honestly dont know many kits that would enjoy character changes so much as they did in gog. and even as an adult its a but jarring/annoying to be with Coryn for two books and have it interrupted....

anyways i cant speak too specifically cuz its been years since i properly read these ones, but hopefully ill get back to em once i got through 12 and the others. i wouldnt want the series to be stretched out to hell but considering their length i always felt it was lacking and couldve used some more spinoffs focused on lore they couldnt cover easily.

[baddyxangel]

well...that was an...experience.

spoiler

ok babies so i finally finished ALL of teen wolf and umm...wow . im gonna go ahead and share my thoughts, i think im gonna split this into 2 posts 1 where i talk about the characters individually and 1 where i just speak in general

6B never happened, I've never heard of it, never seen it, never touched it, never smelled it and i dont think i wanna see anything anymore.

starting with our MC we have scott, the indecisive, pure, irritating, "true alpha". now my problems with scott are honestly just preferrence but still somewhat justified . if you're familiar with comics you know that we always have our hero who believes and tries his best to save EVERYBODY including his enemies, and he is the "if i kill them i'll be just as bad as them" type. now the issue i have with this trope is that its just annoying and naive , I've always been more of a wonder woman type myself personally i dont see this issue with killing 1 person who has killed hundreds or dozens. Scott in most cases is very...bland ? very cookie cutter goody two shoes type, naive and a little bit soft, and for how gassed up true alphas are he is EXTREMELY underwhelming and one is his only saving graces for me is me being attracted to him.

he lets some of the most dangerous people in his universe roam freely because there is a "line" he wont cross and while i get those are his morals and his code i just personally couldnt fuck with it if i was in pack. his innocence meshes more well with ignorance. AND FOR FUCKS SAKE LET THIS MAN BE FUCKING SINGLE

also this was added in post: he's best on screen when he has other people with him to actually show he had some kind of personality besides "me help people" is what I've noticed. specifically stiles, derek and isaac tbh. i think one of my fav scott moments is "im the hot girl 🙂" and isaac saying "yes you are 👍🏽"

Stiles now we all know stiles, the best friend, the brains of the operation, the sarcastic and funny one who lightens the mood. Now stiles is one of my favorites (surprise surprise) because he's not infuriating to me i dont think I've ever been frustrated with mr.stilinski. he's essentially scotts polar opposite but not really if you get what i mean ? idk i love him, moving on.

Allison- i like her. got on my nerves after her coocoo ass momma died but y know. i thought her and scott were cute and i would've liked her to stay alive

Lydia- my favorite banshee, smart, but for some reason is always being taken hostage, attacked, injured, and put into extremely horrifying situations and i dont think i like that.

Kira- personally my fav of scotts Gf's, i think she's cute, right amount of awkward, strong, interesting and i would've loved for her kitsune to have been able to kill somebody. jeff davis obviously did her dirty with her storyline that was apparently finished even though...we still didnt get to learn that much about her powers ? whatever im upset.

Liam- dont like him . moving on. also the long hair didnt grow on me and i dont think it will.

Jackson- eat shit and die.

coach- we love you.

monroe- i could write an entire 2 hour movie script on this hoe. bitch killed 1 hellhound and start feeling ha pussy and thinking she hot shit fuck this lil girl was annoying, moving on before i keep typing.

gerard- you got what the fuck yo old ass had coming to you

peter- we love an anti hero with a sense of humor 💕 and idc he would've wrecked everybody shit in season 1

kate- girl...you are a mess of a hoe. lemme stop there before i write a book on her too.

chris- ily

melissa- someone give her an award ASAP

sherrif- you were very on and off for me

derek- baby i missed you so much, leave scott musty ass and come pack this puss-

dread doctors- these fuckers used to put fear in my soul when i was little

deaton- i dont like how he's used as a plot device.

desert wolf- LMFAOOOO

malia- i like her because she's impulsive but sometimes those impulsive tendecies make me wanna stomp her head in the ground.

deucalion- also used a plot device after his season and then died for no reason. im so sorry for what this show did to you

im missing a lot but if you drop your opinions and names in the replies i'll share my opinion on whoever i missed

Thoughts on Theo? theo- hated his manipulative ass but he is so fine so it hurt me to be screaming and cursing at my tv when he was on screen. originally i was extremely irritated and annoyed when they brought him back cause i dont think he needed to be redeemed like at all, even though i appreciate that i can love him without him being a piece of shit it was unneeded i think . id still fuck him tho

scott pissed me off cause... is theo just a great liar or does scott just hate stiles ? why would he believe theo so easily yet not ask for stiles part of the story ? its like he forgets that stiles doesnt have claws and fangs and shit so of course he's gonna do what he does to survive when y'all can't protect him 🙄 i swear their werewolf hearing only works when the plot needs it too (ik they probably need to focus to enhance their hearing but still it's so annoying-) the season is essentially based on misunderstandings tbh. everyone's lying for no reason at all. but i do like how we actually get to see the effect of their mental health but this is also what i mean when i was talking about scotts fluctuating intelligence and how he's only smart when the plot needs him to be, how does he go from being the dimmest bulb in the box to being able to be in AP biology or whatever class it was. it makes no sense at all

”scott pissed me off cause... is theo just a great liar or does scott just hate stiles? why would he believe theo so easily yet not ask for stiles’ part of the story?” Because Scott McCall is a toxic friend and an even shittier werewolf (he couldn’t even detect Theo’s cheap lies and let himself be played like a fiddle throughout Season 5) And because Stiles doesn’t cater to Scott’s delusions of werewolf Jesus-hood and doesn’t stroke Scott’s ego like Theo does. Scott simply chose to believe the worst of his neurodivergent best friend – the boy who risked his own life to save his whiny ass countless times – because it suited his agenda, and because he’s pissed that Stiles didn’t share his own trauma with him like Scott wanted and demanded. SCOTT: We can’t kill the people that we’re trying to save! There’s always a choice! And yet Scott has no problem conspiring with Deucalion (Boyd and Erica’s murderer) behind everyone’s back to assassinate Josh and Tracy AND trying (but failing) to kill Gerard – selling Derek and his Pack out to the hunters, violating Derek, and using Derek as his own personal murder weapon to achieve that – just because “He threatened my mom! I had no choice!” A True Hypocrite indeed

[koeii]

Mun Information.

Repost rather than reblog, thanks!

Basics

name (or preferred online name): Arya.

age: 26

birthday: may 23rd

country: usa.

fluent in: english, sarcasm, romanian ( written), spanish  ( written )  Writing details:

preferred genres/tropes/aus: horror, angst, psychological, thriller, dark genres in general, romance, I prefer slow burn plotted threads over fast burn out ones. i also love anything related to god lore, it’s something i love and i love worldbuilding for that reason. 

disliked genres/tropes/aus:  A/B/O related themes as a whole due to the content and nature of that given nature, it doesn’t mesh well with me because of the implications of shit in verses like that. Cancer related plotting is a really sore spot for me, and drug use for a plot is a flat out no, weed is fine but hard drugs is a big no. 

preferred writing styles: i prefer plotted and muilt para as far as writing goes, i can do shorter thingd but prefer long plots / threads. it’s a lot easier for me and it gives me more of a feel for you muse. 

personal icon preferences (do you use them? do you prefer certain sizes? ect.): i do use them, but i have no issue with not using them. sometimes you just don’t have the resource available and with this blog is a main issue due to me wanting to avoid racebending. my icons tend to be 85 /85 only because thats what i crop at but i try not to go smaller than that.

partners icon preferences (do you prefer your partners to have certain icon styles or not care?): i dont care what they use as long as i can see what they’re trying to get across. any other details about your writing preferences you want to include: i prefer for you not to have small assed font, i mean double small font, its really hard for me to read it and a hassle.  Get to know me:

what fandoms do you consider yourself a part of, even outside of this blog?: honestly, anything? supernatural, the witcher, marval, the mortal instruments, the dark materials, naruto, avatar the last airbender, inheritance cycle, game of thrones, kingdom hearts, ect, there’s a lot i know outside of overwatch, im willing to adapt my muse to it.

what fandoms are you entirely uninterested in?: stranger things, riverdale, once upon a time. teen wolf, there’s others i can’t remember at the moment.

favourite foods: anything that is under indian culture, to be frank, it’s s real soft spot for me. 

favourite drinks: tea, water, sake from time to time.

hobbies: writing, video games, character development, sleep, being bad at art and photoshop.

list ten things you want to do in the future: be healthy, get a place with my better half, finish school, i actually like, be financially stable, get myself to fucking learn to drive, pay off my debt but yah.

what do you wish would change in the rp community?: just fucking block if someone makes you uncomfortable or does shit, dont call it out on the dash, its no ones buisness but your own. its just annoying as shit seeing callouts, i literally have a zero tolerence, like if you post any i unfollow, i dont need a reason, keep that shit off the dash. people like sticking their noses in shit on this hellsite.

what are some of the things you love about the rp community?: these amazing people @adversitybloomed​ @huckleberrytm​ @affcgato​ @dissolvedshadows​ @daniwrit​ @omniphrenia​  i’ve known a lot of people within my time here and just its good to make people that support you and see you grow as a whole. <3

anything else you’d like to add?:nah but read this and consider yourself tagged.

#ooc / dead dove do not eat #long post

[somnilogical]

legally blind

i keep thinking of things and "oh that would make a nice post", but then feeling despair because i expect the people i respond to to drag the thing into entropy. but writing things up in a centralized place is good for tracking changes in myself (the human brain is a terrible place to store your information if you dont want it to be overwritten-on-recall) and sign marking what is up to anyone who is interested.

Paul Graham gives the advice, and ive independently generated this, to not heavily respond to / disassemble what is wrong in stuff and spend most efforts on positive construction, then using the thing youve made to cut through anything thats bothered you.

but like, how do you even respond to stuff like:

<<If I’m willing to accept an unexpected chunk of Turkey deep inside Syrian territory to honor some random dead guy – and I better, or else a platoon of Turkish special forces will want to have a word with me – then I ought to accept an unexpected man or two deep inside the conceptual boundaries of what would normally be considered female if it’ll save someone’s life. There’s no rule of rationality saying that I shouldn’t, and there are plenty of rules of human decency saying that I should.>>

https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/11/21/the-categories-were-made-for-man-not-man-for-the-categories/

a traumatized response would be to painstakingly explain to your gaslighters that this is not how it works, this isnt how anything works. marginal useful stuff would be to say that wrt the concept of "category":

claiming that trans women are women because they were assigned male at birth and have a female soul inside is VALID

claiming that trans women are women because they look like women and are treated by society like them is VALID

claiming that trans women are men because they look and act like men is VALID

claiming that trans women are women because it would make people smile and keep a platoon of Turkish special forces from beating you up is INVALID

at least the first three, though co-contradictory, are appealing to the cluster structure of reality at all. like some people would try and say emma is technically male deep down inside but theyll consider them an honorary female because they pass, which i think is wrong, emma is definitely nonbinary afaict. in that their soul is enby. but at least their arguments rest on a question of a cluster in reality and not a question of what makes people smile.

and so can be resolved by looking at the structure of things out in the world, instead of looking to what makes people smile. though also lots of people will socially treat people as enby and then will agentically resist [knowledge of themselves doing this] propagating to other parts of their worldmodel.

which is a legalistic explanation in terms of local validity. when of course an issue is using legalism and blinding as a vector to preserve a facade of "unity" or "peace". you want your categories to be categories for making predictions and the legal principles acting on them to be simulacra instances (in the way emma uses the term), because thats what these things are. like a just punishment being the smallest harm which prevents the event from happening in the first place, takes a lot of human expectations into account in a recursive way. instantiating the concept of "robber" to mean "the definition of this word such that when used over a given community, results in the least number of thefts in expectation" doesnt make sense, similarly casting the notion of "liar" in this vein.

this was my issue with "reasonable person" as a legal fiction, a "reasonable person" doesnt exist and is a simulacra-ish concept thats easy to modify around. it seems better for courts to take actual categories as object and have their operators be the operators. like ground things out in expectations.

another reason why legalism was chosen as a vector for blinding people is because scott and others whom they have convinced are afaict low in spatial reasoning. so i think they might also, on top of their motives, have a harder time viscerally sensing the structure of thingspace in a way that could override cleverness with words. and this informed the particular structure of how they optimized for unity.

http://benjaminrosshoffman.com/geometers-scribes-structure-intelligence/

like if you have a sense of the shape of things and how categories mesh together, and you have a expectation-shape for the concept of "robber". then defining "robber" as "the definition of this word such that when used over a given community, results in the least number of thefts in expectation" smears and warps my internal sense of shape for the thing. like a category for a simple thing-in-reality which varies over your community of reference? what does that even look like as a shape? how can you tell who is a robber and who isnt in order to take your tools and operate on it in the first place? its an attempt to communally DRM concepts.

scott is being super neutral here.

like why do people take this concept and apply it to specifically trans women? because scott wants false unity and would like people to smile and get along. which has one downstream effect of people "believing" we are men and treating us as if we are men, but the words from their lips are "she". and then say "how could we be wronging and gaslighting trans women, we all say with our lips "she"?" this is not kindness in a horrible homeless shelter, its not kindness here.

like the urge to embed "communal" DRM into every word is, i think, because scott wants an enclosed well-managed extended bureaucracy, basically to turn things into a video game. not interested in the enclosure, capture, and consolidation of energies.

all of this seems really obvious so i possibly the reason why lots of people who can do spatial over legalism and care about stuff outside of what the enclosure can give them arent saying stuff is that they experience the same sensation of "piping things to entropy" that i do, conclude that its useless and say nothing. anyone who wants to know will know.

[virtuissimo]

pardon me for using my blog for its intended purpose, but I’ve gota talk about my life insecurities and the pathetic reality of my ongoing existence

if ur prone to thinking badly of ppl for having social difficulties maybe dont read lol

if uv talked to me more than a few times then u kno already tbh i sound like a broken record but I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS im so fucking mad about it, why is this so hard for me???

people say that you have to go to clubs,  but honestly thats realy not enough advice for me because Findng People is not the issue, in fact i have been in several places where by all means i shuold have found someone to be friends with, but even if i do force myself to talk to people and be sociable and say uuh things and even if i do succeed in being funny and likeable (which is far from the norm and my self esteem takes a huge hit every time i exit a social situation having flopped & yes i am overly judgmental of myself but the fact that i dont got friends is proof that maybe there is some truth to it) , nothing ever comes of it!

and like i know this is a pattern with me, where ill try to do something consistently for a semester and then when i see no evidence of progress i give up. same thing happened when i decided to stick to a consistent exercise routine. i didnt feel any better, i didnt look any different, my health didnt improve, my body didnt even get any stronger my bodys limit on weight and time remained the same from beginning to end, all i felt was tired, sore, and depressed. i felt a little proud of myself for having stuck to it for that long (4-5 months? honetsly an accomplishment for me) but at the first excuse i could find i broke routine and was never able to get back on.

and honestly. same thing happened with that club. i went to almost every QTPOCA community meeting for one semester, but i just! couldnt! make!! friends!! a few people talked to me i think?? one girl named Cassie who i saw once and never again..augustine talked to me and i was really happy about that...they were very friendly and i like talking to them but i dont think our personalities mesh very well for us to be close, we also dont have any real shared interests and i dont think they particularly have fun in my company.

but other than those two people, thats it.... the meetings themselves are very different from what i expected, its absolutely not an environment conducive to my very uuh specific needs.

How did  i make friends before?? i had friends in high school. or at least i thought i did. i guess thats why im not still friends with most of them. i never really went out to movies or to their houses or to get lunch or even had most of their phone numbers, & even those whose # i do have i never really USED them. maybe its cuz i didnt get a phone until high school. maybe its cuz my parents are workaholics AND overprotective and made it too much of a hassle to ask permission to go everwhere. maybe people only rly liked me for school work purposes. maybe im just too obedient and never snuck out. maybe im just too close to my sister and never felt the need for social interaction outside of school because i had her. maybe im just making a whole lot of excuses for what ultimately is an inability to interact with other people. 

& its not like im not good at talking. im pretty quick and uuh quippy ig like i can say some off the wall shit, that just all goes out the window when im talking to strangers. idk. i can make phonecalls now, but only if i script out what im going to say in writing bcause even if i mentally script, by the time the other person picks up the phone my mind just goes blank.

i think its a part of my horrible personality maybe. like maybe i can only be in my element when i feel like i have power. my small high school & my ugly superiority complex made it easier for me to think of myself as better than p much all my peers maybe? but maybe its not that easy to do that in college since EVERYONE here got to college somehow (despite some of them actualy being dumb as fuck)? maybe?? idk if thats the case i gota change that personality quick cuz thats no way to live life. just the way im talking about it now makes it seem like maybe its not that but idk i think in actuality im a lot more egotistical than i come across as. which may or may not be saying something idk self awareness is hard.

probably also got something to do with the fact that i moved to texas away from the rest of my family & my parents work too much to make rfriends ot their own (and neither of my parents are very social people to begin with) so i never had adult social interactions modeled for me in a way that integrates friendships into ones life. thats probably just an excuse tho.

anyways. im really sick of not fitting in anywhere. im sick of not knowing anyone. im sick of being lonely all the time and feeling unlovable . and iv got like 2 friends on the internet that i rly talk to but we all know it aint the same & the MOMENT theyve busy i feel soooo fuckin lonelyyyyy

also FUCK another thing is that i am no ones priority, that shit SUCKS idk if im emotionally built for casual friendships cuz i care about all my friends so fucking much...i dont even gota be a best friend i just gota be ...important to someone lmfao maybe thast too much to ask fori know im just 21 but it rly feels like everyone already has their friends and thats that, and the worst part is that i could have made friends but i wasted all of college uuuh idk doing school or whatever LMFAO ok but other ppl can figure out how to have an active social life while doing decent in school why couldnt i do that...

whatever. if i die alone i die alone , nothin to be done about that. just gota put my best foot forward i guess. maybe learn to settle a little more. put more effort into things that arent worth it because id rather have something rancid than nothing at all.

#IM FRUSTRATED AS FUUUUUCK