#but I never felt ambitious

[classical-vanity]

There’s days when I really feel like a failure/ disappointment because I think everyone had pretty high expectations of me growing up and I feel like I’ve done nothing with my life

#i feel like it’s always just been assumed I’ll do well in life #because I did pretty well in school early on #but that was always just because i had to #it just felt like my duty to do well so I did #doing bad in school was not really an option #i was also called ambitious when i was young #but I never felt ambitious #again I just did what i had to do in my eyes #to be ambitious i think you need to work towards something #and I never knew what I wanted to do #i think I’ve always been sort of lost #and i see people I grew up with that seem to be doing so much better #and it makes me feel very inadequate and mediocre #I think it’s mostly bad brain bc idk these people anymore idk how their lives are for real #i always feel like i have to do more and what I do is not enough #but like half of last year all i had energy for was surviving day to day #idek what i’m supposed to be doing really #maybe I’m just a boring mediocre person and it is what it is at the end of the day #this is too long but whatever #tbd likely

[naffeclipse]

thinking back on the time that I trapped myself in my room for two years and avoided as much human interaction as possible due to overbearing anxiety—and understanding now that it was an extremely unhealthy coping mechanism of self-isolation and not "laziness" or being an "antisocial weirdo" and I'm proud that I pulled myself out of that and am so much happier for it

#my parents would constantly ask me when i was going to do things because i was smart and ambitious in high school #and i didn't know why i was doing this #and i felt so dumb and defeated for the longest time #it's no one's fault that it happened because none of us understood what I was actually struggling with #but i'm right where i thought I would never be: submitting my book and going for my bachelor's degree and i'm part of a great community #like i wish i could tell myself then when i was locking my door that it's going to be okay and you're going to get out of there #naff nuh huh #vent #kind of? #anxiety

[marshmallowgoop]

ShinRan Week 2023: Day 5 | "I wish I could tell you that I love you"

I wish that I could tell you I wish that I could run into your arms

[Song link] [YouTube link]

#detective conan #case closed #shinichi kudo #ran mori #conan edogawa #shinran #shinranweek2023 #amv #my amvs #video #eye strain #funimation english dub script #song is 'i wish that i could tell you' by gabrielle grace #i know i way missed the grace period but i've been working very hard on this for the past couple of weeks and better late than never right? #i was way way ambitious and probably should have just edited with the chorus to get it done in time... but the beginning felt fitting! #i really hope folks like this one 🙏 #sources used are episodes 1 2 22 49 85 128 174 190-193 263 288 522-524 854 928 and 994 #movies 3 4 7 13 (for the star background only) and 15 #ova 9 and ops 16 24 25 and 46 and eds 9 49 and 59 #and tv special 6 (episode one: the great detective turned small) #voice clip sources are (in order) ep 10 ep 101 ep 2 movie 3 ep 42 ep 39 movie 4 and ep 3

[m-an-u]

You guys have. NO idea the day I’ve had

#cried in front of a prof and she felt so bad she said she’d increase one mark for our group and then I had to text her saying pls don’t 💀 #don’t think she’s even seen the text lmao whatever don’t wanna continue this for long either way #anyways. NEVER trust ambitious ppl. got betrayed by a ‘friend’ today #I would never break a friendship over. 2 marks but sure #she prob doesn’t even realise what she’s done which is the worst part 😭 #me.txt #anyways someone tell me I won’t die from embarrassment 🙏

[fideidefenswhore]

Not that i know about margaret douglas but is it generally seen as an issue of her having to forgive henry and anne?

I remember reading here i think that anne's last purchases were for elizabeth, henry and a lady margaret, and you speculated that was md so i guess from that there was a good relationship between them?

and when her friends and romantic partners were howards, she spent a hella time around anne's family and must've heard a more sympathetic opinion of anne from them i guess

Yeah, I thought that was a weird way to phrase that, because even if she thought that was fucked up it would be like...not really for her to 'forgive' that, it wasn't done to her. Hence the tags, sometimes people just compartmentalize in their dealings with others.

Well, some Marians think that her treatment and opinion of Princess Elizabeth during the Marian era (and her as Queen during the Elizabethan) was her 'real' opinion of AB coming out which is kind of... dumb...they were two entirely separate women. Not to mention that 1530s Henrican England had very different circumstances from 1550s Marian England and later Elizabethan England, and were two (three?) very different points in her life.

The idea comes more from the knowledge that Princess Mary and MD were friends, but this doesn't seem to have precluded her from having a positive relationship with H&A. Maybe she was even the person that had encouraged AB to reach out to her stepdaughter the few times she did, who knows. They seem to have picked up their friendship again even after their period of separation, if I had to guess I would say it's likely they both understood in the end that Mary had gone with her mother, and Margaret with hers.

She was good friends with Mary Fitzroy; not all the Howards liked AB but Mary definitely did...so yeah, something there, maybe.

#anon #considering how ruthless she seems to have been ... hell #maybe she would've been fine with hviii making her heiress > mary #as she had been about mary making her heiress > exclusion of elizabeth #we never saw that friendship tested in that way so who knows #but then she was not friends with elizabeth. so #/shrug #i think md was adaptable and as mary started to favor elizabeth less and become more suspicious of her #she took care to reflect that #but it doesn't mean she necessarily felt like mary did. that she had certain attributes in which she 'mirrored' (what was that quote?) #her mother and that being the reason for her dislike...i think there was a personality clash #and also in the early 1530s elizabeth was an infant princess. #not someone that had been bastardized by statute who she had beef with via her friend/queen #and could feel superior towards respective of status/birth. again. different circumstances...highly different #ambitious/ruthless. i should say .

[iagreewithlilithsrightsnwrongs]

smth that ive thought abt n that i dont think ive ever seen touched upon is how similar bea n lilith should be in terms of life experience. like we know canonically that bea never drank. probs never went to a party, or rave or anything like that. didnt have partners most likely, probs never had her first kiss before ava n stuff. theres a lot of first times that beatrice probably experiences cuz of ava in s2, a lot of just. normal regular first times, things teenagers or young adults do, maybe college students, whatever. the most freedom she had was when she was younger, when she "was stepping out of line" as she said, probs doing child things n being dumb, ofc.

lilith is probably the same, except even worse. because i think she was taught to be the warrior nun as soon as possible. bea was actively repressing herself; lilith doesnt even acknowledge theres anything to repress. shes just the future warrior nun, not a mere 12 year old. shes a sister warrior, not just your average 16 year old. as long as her parents were there to watch, she is nothing but a legacy. and i do think lilith had her rebellious phase, ofc. but i dont think it was while she was living with her parents, or even when she was a minor. she knew to make all those obedient, nice years count and as soon as she left for good, she declared she was a new girl, n she would now do things she wanted to do. except... she cant.

she still has to train to be a warrior nun. sure she read books, non religion books. but the guilt of not upholding her end of the bargain of being born in her family as the next in line warrior nun would soon overcome her, n she would drop it. "i'll read it in the future" "i'll try that when im older n independent" its smth all teens, especially teen girls think. when im older, i'll be free. but lilith is not allowed that at all. she knows she likes things... but can she even allow herself the time to enjoy them?? can she watch movies in peace? can she go out, maybe make friends, go on cafe dates, go to the cinema, go shopping? without thinking abt her destiny? can she??? is she allowed peace???

lilith wanted to be free, cuz she thought it was only her parents holding her down. little did she know, while her parents built her cage, she was painting it finished. with how she was raised, lilith was never thought to feel *her* emotions as lilith, but only as warrior nun. n even if her parents ever allowed her peace, she wouldnt have taken it. shes going to be the warrior nun. she has to be. what else is she, but that?

#warrior nun #sister lilith #oh hey im writing #sister beatrice #what i wanted to say is that lilith looks cool but is an actual loser #never got drunk. never went to the cinema with friends. never fangirled over some band #she was never allowed normal. n when she got her freedom she didnt seek it out. just accepted *her* normal #probs felt comfort abt it. im not like other girls. i have a world saving duty. im smart n capable n strong #but she looks at her sister warriors trading inside jokes. or talking abt the new movie that came out. #or talking abt their middle school crushes n their embarassing haircuts n their emo phases. #mary smoking n drinking freely. beatrice starting the whole cruella de jesus thing. shannon n her pranks #she was their friend ofc. but she also felt weirdly left out. like she wasnt completely whole or just unfinished #but knowing that the path of the warrior nun is singular n straightforward. so much comfort in that. so simple n right n easy #n still she yearns. shes always been greedy n ambitious. she just wants more but doesnt know how to make the first step #i do think when she got to the ocs she started to find herself. mary definitely helped. #but those 2 months we didnt see?? now THATS the lilith i wanna meet. she was uncontained. but also ruined. so whats the point?? #why still be perfect n right when she is already wrong?? why not just go yolo n try all new things?? why not???? #so yh ava bea n lilith had some wild 2 months let me tell ya

[darkwood-sleddog]

Urg I feel like crap, but at least no Covid (for now…). I want to run the dogs so badly, but I’m also part of this team and need to give myself the same grace I’d give the dogs. I hate it.

#dogblr #working season 22 23 #i tell myself that if one of my dogs felt this way I’d never ever ever make them run #the human brain is so weird sometimes #the ambitious parts of me feel like this season has ‘been a wash’ #but it hasn’t been the weathers just weird #we had a great 16k not that long ago and the dogs have been fit and very consistent #slash has run single lead #I need to remind myself of these things to rid myself of the toxic parts of my brain #always pushing me to do something the parts of me that feel like rest is a waste #Urg.

[capybaraonabicycle]

#Wonder why he didn't take drama class #Seems like right up his Alley

arts program funding cuts at the academy :(

– @poppies-for-thirteen 🥀

Sorry answering this took a while, friend, but the image you put in my head -young Koschei being disappointed about drama class being cancelled- was too precious not to write a little scene. So, there you go, thank you for the inspiration <3

(he/him pronouns for Koschei, he/they for Theta, rating somewhere between general and teen)

Koschei was in a bad mood. Theta could tell without even seeing him. They felt it radiating off him as they entered their shared room, which meant Koschei wanted to talk about it. Like with basically any other subject at the Academy, Koschei excelled at telepathic communication. If he didn't want Theta to know about his feelings, he wouldn't be projecting waves of fury and misery at him right now. The question was rather whether Theta wanted to talk about it, too.

He was still standing in the door, about to close it, their back to their friend. He could still bolt, technically. But since they sucked at telepathic communication (which was again perfectly representative of them generally struggling with Acedemy courses) Koschei had to be well aware of Theta having noticed his mental state and now being unsure about how to respond to it. And while running away from conversations like this was their preferred battle strategy, Theta knew that in the current situation Koschei would deem it a horrible betrayal. And Koschei's reaction to Theta betraying him was explosive in the best of cases. Theta did not feel like finding out what it would be like in this case when Koschei was already irritated. So he took a deep breath, steeled himself as best as he could, finally closed the door and turned to face their friend.

Koschei was sitting on his bed, next to his nightstand, angrily carving perfectly curved curses into the shiny metal.

"What happened?" Theta asked sympathetically. Just because they were scared of Koschei's likely outburst didn't mean they didn't care.

"Don't ask" Koschei snarled and Theta suppressed a sigh. He trotted over to Koschei's bed and sat down next to him at a distance that was probably not wide enough to be safe in the given circumstances.

Koschei kept his back to him, putting all his weight into the ornate knife he was carving with. This close to him Theta could feel his emotions as vividly as his own. Still, Koschei wasn't sending any tangible thoughts they could have used to grasp what was going on. Only rage and a strange kind of mourning. It was starting to get really uncomfortable. Maybe they should tell Koschei about the cool bug they had found this morning, just to distract hi-

"There won't be any drama class" Koschei pressed out, interrupting their train of thought.

"Huh?" Theta's mind was still focused on the memory of the brilliant blue bug and struggled to return to their room and their friend's somber mood.

"I said" Koschei repeated with a sigh, finally leaving the night stand alone and turning to face him. "I said there won't be any drama class for us. Not this year, not next year, not ever. They cut it."

"Oh." Theta felt a wave of disappointment wash over him but this time it was his own. They had looked forward to drama class ever since they had dreamt of the Academy. Both of them had. "Why would they do that?"

"Because Rassilon is a bloody idiot" Koschei huffed, slender fingers curling around the knife's blade. "The official reasons are-" He huffed again in emphasis. "Budget restrictions."

"Oh" Theta repeated. They wished they could say something comforting to make Koschei feel better but were too distraught to come up with anything. Koschei's eyes narrowed.

"You are sad" he remarked.

"Of course I am" Theta confirmed, wanting to explain how he had been dreaming of playing together with Koschei; but before they could say anything, Koschei nodded in resolution.

"I will kill him" he said.

They snorted. Koschei had threatened Theta themselves too often for them to even blink at the statement. "That I'd like to see, you taking on Rassilon."

Koschei chuckled quietly but when he resumed speaking, it sounded like he was deep in thought and that was what made Theta tense up.

"I think I could do it" he said. "For you, I mean. For you I would kill them all."

There was something in his voice that sent a shiver down Theta's back. Something that had never been in his usual spiteful violent outbursts. It was a strange sort of tenderness, of affection, directed at Theta and it scared him. They didn't know what to say, staring helplessly and afraid at Koschei who looked back with a forlorn look in his eyes as if he wasn't even seeing him. Then, all of a sudden, his eyes snapped back into focus and a wide, mocking smile appeared on his face.

"Gotcha" he laughed, boxing their shoulder playfully.

"That was not funny!" they complained but couldn't help the relieved chuckle that escaped them. "You scared me!"

"I know" Koschei hollered, slinging an arm around his shoulder to pull him into a hug. "You should have seen your face. It was priceless."

"Never do that again" Theta murmured, pressing close into Koschei's side.

"Okay" Koschei whispered into their hair, suddenly serious again. "And I promise you, we'll get to go to a drama class together. Rassilon will not take that from us."

"Hmhm" Theta hummed in agreement. "Maybe we can go when we run away to see the stars."

"I heard there are excellent theatre schools on Xenon" Koschei mused. "I will take you there first thing once we're out of the Acedemy."

Theta smiled and felt the familiar mixture of excitement, calamity and purpose rise up in his chest (and the telepathic waves Koschei was sending him) that always showed up when they talked about their future.

"I think I'd like that" they said and Koschei laughed again.

"I know you will, Theta" he said and pressed a kiss to the top of their head. "We'll have the best of times there, I promise. As soon as we are free of the school and of Rassilon we will have it good. I'll make sure of that."

#dw fanfic #thoschei #academy era #theta sigma #koschei #doctor x master #I have never written acedemy era before #can you tell? #I like it though #they are going to see the stars 😍 #and have a drama class 🥰 #...or not #just to elaborate on the pronouns because while those felt natural and that is 85% of the reason why I chose them I do have an explanation #because obviously both theta and koschei are nb #despite hating school I think koschei is very ambitious and since he wants to become a timeLORD he is using the pronouns that go with #the title #and theta just generally doesn't care what pronouns people use for them but he is male presenting so almost everybody uses he/him #and koschei started out using exclusively they/them for theta so at some point it merged and now they are just mixing them happily

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

tbt that time in 4th grade when i wanted to grow up so so bad so i wore a triangly pink training bra to schcool, underneath this striped black/white sweater that i really liked and like halfway through the day, i was walking past the popular kids in our class and they looked at me and giggled and pointed and i was like what?? until i got home and realized it was bc the sweater was quite see-through

thing is, NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME??? ANY TIME ID WORN IT IN PUBLIC BEFORE NOPE NO ONE SAID SHIT, NOT MY FAMILY NOT ANY TEACHER NOT ANY FRIEND! anyway that was super fake of them screw those guys that laughed and pointed and still didnt tell me shit abt it

#this is one of the times i think of when im trying to figure out how long ive actually felt dysphoria #bc now that i think abt it its luke wow i really tried to blend in and feel normal and be what was expected of me #which was to just be a smart kind helpful ambitious young lady who never asked for anything and could always be counted on #sorry im kinda high and apparently still resent my early education years #des is tired

[missmouse25]

rambling in the tags

#sometimes its hard to be happy for other people and you dont know why #it's a feeling im no unfamiliar with but it's been a long time since i've felt it that i dont know how i coped with it the last time #i really feel like i should be happy for her #and i know that deep down its not about the car it's more than that #she's already so independent and ambitious #this is just going to multiply it tenfold #and maybe it's also because im older than her that i feel that i should be the first to experience things #but that's never been my life #not compared to hers or any of my friends #right now it feels like my life is in a survival mode #im really only thinking day to day and not long term #and the stuff that is long term is so daunting and big #all of that to say that im in my feels and im probably going to be here for awhile #gonna make an appointment with the therapist for next week #dl

[champsamizayn]

bringing back worlds apart was the best thing they have ever done for me

#ik sami mentioned it felt like . going backwards with his character #and i get it i really do #but considering he never got the reception he deserved the first go around i think worlds apart is fitting with who he is now #bc hes back to being the ambitious underdog #albeit hes been through the wringer even more now #raw liveblog

[birlwrites]

I don't know if you need to hear this, but, given that post about comments earlier, I just wanted to say that I've got both TTDL and Tyrant on my subscriptions, but I still check for updates on the usual posting days multiple times. Your writing is very good; and that runs the whole gamut. The pacing, the characterization, the plot, and a lot of things that I can't name at the top of my head. Best of all, though? Your voice. The effort you've put into the craft over the years is very evident.

thank you so much anon - i'm fortunate enough to not get too many of the 'post more' comments, or at least they're vastly outweighed by the people who genuinely care about the story, and the addition on that post about how powerful positive comments are is incredibly true

for me, knowing that someone is invested in the story (beyond the point of just yelling 'I NEED MORE' at me, which EVERY TIME i deeply wish to respond to with 'no i'm never posting again<3' even though i'm aware it would be a bold-faced lie, simply because i know for other authors it WOULDN'T be a lie and ~actions have their consequences~) makes posting fic an actually fun experience - then i get excited to update the same way readers are excited to read the update, and that's how i've managed to keep going on stories that are WAY bigger than anything i ever dreamed i'd write when i first made an ao3 account. ttdl would not exist if not for the overwhelming amount of encouragement i got from people who enjoyed stga, which would not exist if not for the interest and support i got from people reading my one shots and shorter multichaps

there are a lot of things i love about ao3 but i think because it really is just an archive of fanfiction (which is a good thing for it to be! i don't want it to be a social media platform), it can be easy for people to forget that there's an actual person behind the account posting updates, and that's how they begin to treat authors as merely content creators

i know leaving comments can be a really nerve-wracking thing (i've gotten people apologizing to me for leaving short comments, apologizing to me for leaving long comments, apologizing to me for not commenting on the previous chapter, apologizing to me for not having anything specific to say beyond that they love the story, apologizing to me in case they spelled something wrong because it's 5AM where they are, ETC ETC ETC) and just like... if you're sincere in your appreciation for the story, no matter how much you have to say, please know that it's very much taken to heart and received with gratitude

so it means a lot to me to know that you're interested in those stories, because that is why i post them

#should i make an inbox tag #this is not to say that 'longer fic' is somehow better than shorter fics #more so that because of support from readers i've felt confident enough in my abilities #to tackle increasingly ambitious projects #i still write a lot of one shots and honestly i think they're some of my best writing #generally because i write them and lean REALLY HARD into one thing #(like - overdeveloped affinity for spite can be subtitled 'humor via jump cuts' #implode-- is all about using ambiguity and messing around with pacing #urge to have faith is for prose #ajflsghskdjf i could keep going but i'll end this parenthetical remark here) #but my longer fics are where i focus more on character arcs and plotting #which i just don't have room to do in the short ones #i barely have room in the long ones afjlkghsjkdf you all know this from my infodumps #about things that don't fit into ttdl #ANYWAY my point is that readers and writers have a symbiotic relationship #i have never ever written in a vacuum #and i really do appreciate the people who take the time to let me know they care about this story #even if it's as simple as commenting a heart

[pink-lighter]

was anyone going to tell me that “oh no!” by marina is, in fact, satire, and not, in fact, a guideline on how to live? or was i just supposed to figure that out at age 20 after derailing and sabotaging my life and dealing with crippling burn out?

#oh no! #marina #i heard this song at age 12 and i was like ‘wow this is so relatable!!!’ and never stopped to consider whether that was a good thing #people always called me cold because i was blunt and ambitious and passionate (autistic) #so when i heard marina sing “i know exactly what i want and who i want to be/i know exactly why i walk and talk like a machine.’’ #i just felt so seen #who cares if they don’t think i have a heart?? i know who i am and where i’m going. #i think it was all just a coping mechanism because i wasn’t liked as a kid. so i compensated by being smart #but then compensating by being smart turned into a pressure and i’ve been spiralling and losing sense of my own identity ever since #and then i ended up being a formerly smart former child who was never liked #this got wayyy deeper than i meant the joke to be #looking back; i probably should’ve been getting mental help since i gained consciousness #or maybe i should’ve been sent to a psychiatric hospital in middle school #to be fair though; middle school just be like that #pink is ranting in the tags again

[atomicqueer]

.

#i love how i was looking for like secretary type work for so long and felt kind of ashamed about it like it wasnt ambitious enough #but now that i am doing a similar job its 1000% the most enjoyable job ive ever had overall and i looooove having a variety of tasks to do #and sure i still dont always love dealing with customers but. like. getting to clean the front office & order office supplies #& get the mail & run things to the bank occasionally all on top of my actual 'talk to customers. keep the schedule. handle AR reports' job #its just. enjoyable! its nice coming into work and going ''i want to focus on __ today'' and just getting to DO that (for the most part) #without anyone ever being like ''hey you have to do an AR report on monday every monday or else'' or whatever #like i can choose when to do things as long as its reasonable and it gets done on time and ive just never had that freedom in a job b4 #(& it goes without saying that having occasional downtown AND having coworkers to talk to during that downtime is AMAZING) #(making friends w/ my coworkers (and being able to talk to them at work!!) is doing wonders for my mental health #it used to be ''if i get stuck & take my break late my break can overlap with ******'s and thats nice'' #or before that ''im the only employee in this building for the next 5 hours'' #and thats all kind of a bummer at the end of the day

[surftrips]

HEADCANONS — FLIRTY ACADEMIC RIVALS w/ CORIOLANUS SNOW

you're not sure when the rivalry started, but for as long as you could remember, you were always sat next to coriolanus snow in class, whether by assignment or choice. neither of you actually hated the other, it was more a friendly competition born out of your strong feelings for each other that neither of you trusted yourselves with, so you resorted to teasing and playful mockery.

both of you care very much about your academics, snow on his way to win the plinth prize, and you, eager to impress your parents and secure a job in the capitol. when you put two highly ambitious and motivated students next to each other, it was no wonder you were always top of your classes. some people called you the power couple, but you denied the latter half of that term.

"where's your little boyfriend?" sejanus had asked one day. "how many times do i have to tell you, he's not my boyfriend!" you responded. "tell me then, why haven't either of you dated anyone?"

the easy answer to that question, and the one you always resorted to was that you simply had no time for dating right now. never mind the fact that you've been using that excuse for your whole life.

corio, on the other hand, never denied the dating rumors. not because there was any truth to them, but more so to annoy you. "corio, did you tell professor crane we were going to formal together?" "yes, what's wrong?" he feigned innocence. "what's wrong? you told him we were going together! as in boyfriend girlfriend!" "i still don't see the issue."

most days, he drove you crazy. and he probably wasn't even aware of his affect on you. shoulders touching when reading a textbook together, quickly pulling away his hand when your fingers went to turn the page at the same time, pretending not to be flustered on the rare occasion he gave you a compliment.

other times, it was nice to have him sat by your side. for example, the nights when you stayed up late studying often led to you dozing off in class, leaning on corio's shoulder until he gently nudged you off, "hey, sleepyhead. what time did you go to sleep?" he would tease.

the best classes were the ones you took with a professor that you both mutually hated— you could hardly control your laughter when he whispered a remark in your ear, or the shivers that he sent down your spine from being in such close proximity to you.

one time, he found you hiding in a corner of the library after receiving a particularly bad grade on a test. you had abruptly left him in the hallway, claiming that you had an "important phone call" to take, but of course, he knew you well enough to know that something was wrong and you needed space. thirty minutes later, he was pulling you off the floor and taking you out to ice cream.

"my girl," he said, wiping off your tear-stained cheeks. "what can i do to make you feel better?" you had wanted to kiss him right then and there, to resolve the tension between you two once and for all, but you didn't want your first kiss to be under these circumstances.

life in the capitol was not as glamorous as everyone else made it out to be. you faced an immense pressure to perform well, uphold the reputation of your family, and be successful, and most of the time you felt alone and exhausted. but coriolanus was always there for you, when things were good, and especially when things got bad.

#coriolanus snow #coriolanus snow x reader #coriolanus snow imagine #the hunger games #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #tom blyth #tom blyth x reader #coriolanus x reader

[marzzrocks]

i find it really sad that i have to tell myself that i’m not allowed to draw because i have homework to do. i live for drawing and making stuff, but i’m just not allowed to do these things unless i’m done with homework, which means basically never since i’m so slow and always late

#i truly hate school and the way it sucked the life out of me #i know it’s bad to say this but i hate and feel really jealous of people who thrive in school while thriving in their personal lives #i haven’t felt like i’ve had a personal life since i was in highschool. i spend all my waking hours working or feeling guilty #about not working when i’m not. it had started to dawn on me that i only get up because ‘‘i have to’’ #i have to do my homework. i have to go to class #and when i get back from teachers and they’re like ‘‘you’re a hard worker’’ it never feel gratifying #like cool i haven’t felt alive since elementary school but i’m glad i’m seen as a good student by our school system #especially because now i’m not really seen as a good student because everyone is so good and ambitious and hard working #i’m now mediocre at best despite all my efforts so really. i don’t really know if it’s worth it anymore (not that it was to begin with) #i’m kinda rambling sorry. i can’t tell this to anyone in fear of disappointing them #i just want to draw something for once and have the time to finish it and be proud of it. for once #anyway. i’ll go back to doing my homework now instead of spending time with my family :)))) #chatters