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iatheia · 3 years

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EDA reviews part 2 - books 10-18

Previous part here

10) Legacy of the Daleks - A very enjoyable read, even though it doesn’t mesh well with Big Finish continuity. I have a few headcanons on how to rectify that, though... The meeting between the Eight and Delgado’s Master left me grinning ear to ear, the way Eight was posturing, wholly aware of the way the Master ticks. I’m not sure I liked Susan quite as much, though - nor was she that fundamental to the story, spending most of the time off screen, but being somewhat unlikeable when she was there. Her final confrontation with the Master was a bit much... Similarly, it was hard to accept Master not recognizing her. That said, the rest of it was a fun romp, and Eight’s thoughts towards the end were particularly poignant, 9/10

11) Dreamstone Moon - Starting right off the bat with an author self insert, and have him being both the source of the conflict and the one to ultimately save the day, kind of - it’s a bold choice.... It’s been said before, but Doctor’s companions really should unionize huh? Eight’s in particular. It really is quite striking that the situation with Sam is pretty much the exact same one as it will be with Charlie - thinking that the Doctor is dead, abandoned, alone, without any network of support. And I’m finally about to have context for that post, so, cheers, I guess. That said, Sam and the Doctor are very much representative of the “quit telling everyone I’m dead - sometimes I can still hear his voice” meme. I’ve lost count how many times Sam decided that the Doctor’s dead within five minutes of seeing him very much alive. (Ok, no, I jest, but it’s a good book, throughly enjoyable from the beginning to end, 10/10)

12) Seeing I - I, uh, really struggle to follow Sam’s logic in the beginning here. I don’t really understand how she ended up in the place she did, after the last novel. Because, she wasn’t alone, she wasn’t abandoned, she was in a company of people, who, uh, cared about her might be putting it a bit too strongly, but who at least could vouch for her. So this disconnect is a bit odd. And, as good as this novel is, as good as the character work in here is, I have a slight disconnect with the rest of it, too. There is too big of a gulf with where the story begun and where it ended - there are too many things going on, too many plots introduced and then unceremoniously dropped. It’s like... Revolution of the Daleks inside of Kerblam, with Nightmare in Silver thrown in with half a dozen other themes from other episodes. When you have the doctor in the machine and the psychologist guy go from primary antagonists to the supporting cast we’re supposed to root for, there is something mildly dissatisfying about it, thematically speaking. Overall, the story in its entirety is less than a sum of its parts. Breaking it into pieces, though, there is a lot of exciting stuff there. 9/10

13) Placebo Effect - Controversial opinion time - I don’t care for Ark in Space. I think it’s a pretty forgettable episode. So any time I encounter any reference to the wirrrn, my reaction is “wait, who?”. And even though I like Leisure Hive well enough, I dare you to find anyone who has been clamoring for the return of Foamasi. This rather made me immediately apprehensive, straight from the preface. In general, there was too much continuity. Stacy & Ssard, really? How deep do you need to be to appreciate their appearance? They are so utterly unnecessary, too, they disappear less than a quarter of the way into the novel, they aren’t even there for set up, they are there for a set up of a set up. If you are actually a person who knew who they were, and wanted to see more of them, I can’t imagine this being all that satisfying. It’s a rather abrupt transition from the previous ark. I dare even say, aggressive, to the degree you have Sam going from “she is afraid to be even in the same room with him, lest she kills him with her soaked through panties” to “she is absolutely delighted when he imparts onto her his grandfatherly wisdom”. Then again, any time either Eight or Sam opened their mouth, I didn’t see Eight or Sam. I saw Four and Sarah Jane. It’s not well written, either. It’s very clunky. The dialogues in particular are obnoxious. Stacy’s and Sam’s conversation, and later on dogmatic discussion between Sam and the priests gave me full on psychic damage. I mostly skimmed beyond that, can’t say there was much to catch the eye. 2/10

14) Vanderdeken's Children - This book is aiming to be a masterpiece, but it’ll just have to settle for being good enough. It does have some interesting twists and turns in here, even though most of them are pretty predictable and expected from the set up. The last couple of chapters, the ending overall, are quite decent (even though all the ebook versions I was able to find cut off the last couple of pages, argh!), but the middle is very middling, with mostly uninspiring secondary characters that are ever so slowly being positioned on the chess board. 7/10

15) The Scarlet Empress - Where to begin... It’s a series of mostly unrelated short stories in a trench coat pretending to be a novel. It’s set up in a middle of a road trip, unrelated not just to each other, but also the measly bit of plot that was given to us? I found it’s quite difficult to engage with the story overall, or follow it, really. It tries to be more character driven than plot driven, which is an admirable aim, and some of the character stuff they have in here is nice, except... Outside of may be bits of chapter 1, I couldn’t really hear Doctor’s voice - any version of him, let alone Eight. Sam fares a bit better, but, at the end of the day... It doesn’t really feel like Doctor Who story. The pacing is completely off, as is the structure, and it was quite nonsensical and whimsical, more akin to Alice in Wonderland than Doctor Who. Not bad in and of itself, just, hard for me to appreciate as a part of this marathon. A note on Iris. I haven’t yet listened to her stand-alone adventures, but I generally enjoy whenever she shows up in Big Finish. Here, though, she was rather lacking Katy Manning’s charm and personality. And, I feel, if you didn’t have any existing fondness for the character before, this novel isn’t going to give you much to care about her. Except, *checks notes*, this was one of her first major outings? Not really a good start. Oh, and prior to this she was in a few short stories, by the same writer. Well, that checks out. 6/10

16) The Janus Conjunction - I really liked this one. Not much to say beyond it, but, very well written, very easy read, practically in a single breath. Excellent characterization for both Doctor and Sam, just a right degree of joyful, determined, adventurous, death defying, mad, delirious, and codependent, almost moreso than any other I’ve read so far. Rather dark, though, I can feel it resonating in the pit of my stomach, and it gets inside your head. 10/10

17) Beltempest - What did the Doctor do to deserve this character assassination??? It’s not without redeeming bits (looks like “I’m not a man” quote comes from here, big yay), but, in large part, is barely a pale shadow of a character I like. Especially in the beginning - he think that Sam might have died and he is ok with this??? After the Dreamstone Moon??? And he is incredibly obnoxious? And Sam was barely herself, even before being... uh, possessed? for plot related reasons. I can’t describe how much disconnect I have with the protagonists here, or with any characters in the rest of the book, for that matter, and how much the dialogue made me roll my eyes. And, ah, the technobabble. I generally try not to overthink the physics of most things in fiction, because, as a certified space scientist, otherwise I’d be here all day, but there comes a point where it crosses the line. After everything else, to read the words “newly born main sequence star” with my own two eyes is just too much. I’m a good person, I do not deserve this nonsense... The first half of the book left me rather put off. The second part left me feeling absolutely flat. No emotions, either positive or negative. And, uh, there was a post going around on tumblr along the lines of “the worst you can do to the character is having them mention a certain food, because the fandom will turn it into an obsession” - it’s rather the same here with Eight and books & classical music. I am rather starting to loose count of the number of times they are trying to emulate the scene with the ending of the movie, where he is lounging about and reading, or specifically mentioning Pucchini. To be fair, it’s not just this novel, but it definitely starting to take me out of it. 5/10

18) The Face-Eater - I’m generally a bit wary of cold opens in the books, because some tend to ramble a bit, with the characters I don’t already know and love, so it’s often is a chore to muster enthusiasm to care about them. This one, though, despite all that, starts very effectively, in a way that made me immediately sit up straight. Very snappish, in a style of noir novels. Too bad it doesn’t quite sustain that energy throughout it. The plot is... interesting, I guess. Characterization is decent, for the most part - although some moments, especially early on gave me a pause, it more than makes up for it in other places. 7/10

Overall impressions so far: Much better than the first set of 9, which often were too deeply rooted in nostalgia to try to offer anything unique. And, I guess, with more writers having a chance to read each others works, the characterization is a bit more consistent (not for every writer, mind, but, in general). How long does it take for them to write a novel of this length, I wonder? A book a month is a rather grueling pace for the series - how far in advance do they start? How many other books come out during that time?

Sam in particular incrementally found her footing (though, there is a bit of a lag from novel to novel). Instead of imagining literally any other companion, there were certain novels that really helped me to grasp her character. Though, hmm... being Doctor’s companion is not a safe job by any stretch of imagination, but this girl has really been through a wringer. I’m rather struggling to think of any other companion that has been put through so much (non-lethal) battering. There comes a point when one just wants to just to let her have some good time. And, uh, there was a horrible thought that occurred to me, and went to look up how she will depart the TARDIS in the end, and... well, I have a feeling that sometime afterwards I will not like what will happen.

Also, there is this trend of separating her and the Doctor, for a prolonged period of time, them having no idea where to find each other, without any contact, just, stumbling onto one another eventually. It’s a way for writers to have them cover more narrative ground, and you certainly don’t want them attached by the hip, but when they spend less than 20 pages a book in each other’s company, that’s, uh... not a trend I particularly care for.

Well, onto the next batch where we meet Fitz, and say good bye to Sam.

Next part here

#doctor who #eighth doctor #eighth doctor adventures #eda

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dearsubconscious · 3 years

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Warning: the following is a story of psychological/emotional/narcissistic abuse that may be hard for some readers.

Finding the right emotions to say

Some context is needed before you continue reading. This is an introduction to my new Tumblr account and an overview of how my story started. I originally wrote this in May of 2019. When I wrote this, I was trying to get out all of my thoughts during a very dark time. I wrote this over the course of weeks of sleepless nights when my mind wouldn’t stop running. It may read a bit disorganized, but I wrote it as a way to explain to the people that matter to me what I had come to realize about myself. Only two people have read it prior to me posting this, neither of which are my family members. I am still not comfortable with any of my family knowing about this and I have never really talked about many of the details of what happened out loud, even to the two people that have read this. Many of my specific memories are not included in this story...some were just too brutal for me to even write out without completely mentally breaking down at the time. I have decided to start telling my story as a way of mental therapy. Even if nobody on here reads this all of the way through, it will help me mentally just to organize my memories and thoughts. I hope that I can also open a discussion on a sensitive and (I believe) very overlooked topic, hard as it may be to talk about. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, I truly hope that have a better present and/or future. I wouldn’t wish this mental torture on anyone. As you will see in posts that follow this one, I will explain how the long term effects of the mental damage have caused persistent problems with my relationships with all people that matter to me, my working life, my financial stability and my overall health. This is a long read, but here it goes:

Please read all of this carefully and in its entirety. Its long and it will be uncomfortable to read, but it’s very important to me. I would prefer that it be read all at once, which may take a little while, so if you don’t have time to soak it all in, please save it for another time.

My mind goes around and around in very vicious circles of emotions. I feel...well...a lot...is all I can describe in simple terms. That just doesn’t cut it, though. I keep telling myself that I’m probably insane. I don’t know if I just don’t want to believe it, if I’m just hurting that bad, if I’m in shock or if there is something deeper than that that I just don’t understand. I’m not sure if I know what to feel or believe anymore because my own mind has been keeping an enormous secret for years...

I know who I used to be and who I want to be and for years I have been upsetting myself on a nearly hourly basis because I can’t figure out why I behave the way that I do in many normal situations. I know what the right thing to do is in almost every case, but I can’t seem to be able to do the right thing most of the time anymore. The most logical explanation, until very recently, was just to blame it on regular stress. It seemed too obvious, yet it has a very empty and incomplete generalization of what I would actually be feeling. I have continued with my habits and behaviors very frustrated with myself every time, which is usually many times daily. I spend a lot of time contemplating why I don’t feel okay even though so many things are going well in my life. It’s like I’ve been living very much in a haze and I don’t believe or understand who I am.

The impulsive eating, nagging need to always be doing something special or interesting, yet always coming up short or simply doing nothing at all (and knowing the whole time that there was always something else that I needed to be doing to be more “responsible”), impulsive buying, and, above all else, the incredibly infuriating mental “freeze” that has seemed to be ever present in everything that I do. Most prominent were the “freezes” in my passions, in tasks that are incredibly important and almost anytime I have to make a decision. Not following through on so many things and seeming apathetic about the task of finishing. I would, again, just tell myself that it’s from stress, but I always knew that this was simply not true. Most people use stress as a motivator to get things done, but not me. I, for some reason, find myself doing the exact opposite. This leaves me very frustrated, empty, and numb.

I stress eat a lot and this, coupled with other bad habits feel impossible to break even though I very much mentally want to. I “freeze” at the moment that I should make a better choice and feel great anxiety when faced with the decision. I usually end up doing nothing at all, or doing the wrong or bad thing, thinking that it’s just easier and thoughtless. I hate myself for it. I really do believe that I can and will get better someday; that I will be much healthier; that I will work out regularly; that I will be productive every day, but instead I fall victim to my own mind almost every time...

Years ago, small physical/mental changes started happening to me that I couldn’t explain; long before the seemingly learned or self-induced behaviors that I just explained.

I was always a night owl, but through most of my childhood and early teenage years I would do it on purpose to do things like watch movies, play video games, etc. As I grew older, however, it started happening without a desire to. I was very alarmed by this at first. I couldn’t sleep even though I tried hard to; even though I was tired and exhausted; and I would fight very hard to change my poor sleep habits. I started to believe that maybe I had caused my own insomnia from staying up late as a kid, but there was a very different...anxious...feeling underneath it.

Through most of my school years I had been an eloquent speaker and writer. I would get compliments on it from teachers, family, family friends and strangers frequently. However, during high school I began to trip on my words at times and I would have to find simpler words to use when speaking and writing. I thought for years that this was attributed to my lack of sleep. Maybe it was. But this started to feel like a chain that didn’t make sense, as it couldn’t be attributed to simple stress, but was undoubtedly connected.

I’ve always been a very...very...patient person. I remember my step mother said years ago that I have an “old soul.” She described me this way as a compliment to my patient, calm, wise and passive demeanor in everything that I do. So when I began experiencing deep anxiety that would violently wake me up in the middle of the night during my few hours of sleep, I was very alarmed. I noticed that my attention span began getting shorter. In more recent years, I began lashing out, breaking my calm and passive personality. I get uncharacteristically angry or upset with little things that never bothered me before and do it visibly for those around me with immediate and harsh behaviors. I despise this more than almost any other behavior that I have. I feel that I’ve lost control when it happens and I immediately regret it. It isn’t who I am...

As time has progressed into full adulthood, I have found even the simplest of tasks incredibly hard to be motivated about. The “freeze” began spreading to things such as picking up something that I dropped on the floor. I would feel very anxious about the task of picking it up but truly frozen from simply picking it up for long periods of time because my brain would just go around in vicious circles of stress. I became a messy person. I was no longer able to prioritize tasks in my mind in a proper manner. It’s incredibly embarrassing when I get caught in a mental freeze as it is, generally, pretty visibly obvious on my face. And, as recent as the last few months I have been struggling much more deeply with words when speaking. I will start to say something and know exactly what I want to say, but it seems as though my brain is working much faster and cluttered than my mouth. I won’t be able to get out a full word or phrase. The words will very literally slur together in my mouth and no matter how hard I try I am unable to say it properly. Even if I try to slow my words way down I can’t get it out. It’s like a mental block between my brain and mouth. It’s mentally very frustrating and painful.

I feel that I have lost the ability to fight most of my impulses, leading me to eat poorly and a lot, spend a lot, laze around in a fog a lot, etc. I know that this deeply frustrates those around me and I hate it when it does. I want to change my habits and impulses, but it mentally just isn’t that easy for me...I’ve needed help with this for years and I just don’t know how to admit it or face it. I also don’t know how anyone would actually help and asking for help feels very weak and stupid...

Under pressure from difficult situations or pressure-driven decisions, I freeze in a way that infuriates those around me and it infuriates even my self very deeply. Sometimes my freeze causes me to make a wrong or bad decision almost unconsciously. This leads me to a dark, swirling set of emotions about my self, especially when I’m called out for my wrongdoing.

I’ve also had a very low self esteem for quite some time that has been ever present in all aspects of my life and overcoming it at times is incredibly difficult. I have become a very shy, easily embarrassed, easily uncomfortable person for things that should excite me or bring joy and I just can’t seem to get passed my self-made walls. And I hide these insecurities as best as I can so that nobody knows that I’m actually in very bad mental distress at any given moment...which has been more often than not for a while...

I’ve had a deep and growing feeling of confusion and despair. I used to be very depressed in middle school and high school that I was sure I had gotten past, but I’m not sure anymore. I knew that I had been through the worst feelings of my life, but it seems to all be coming back to haunt me in a very different way that I never could have imagined. And I’ve been very lost and numb from my confusion over what has been happening to me.

I have spent years trying to justify my actions and behaviors to myself as “stress” or something similar simply because I have had no idea what has been happening to me...

Then something occurred that sparked something sleeping much deeper in my subconscious than any of that...

A little over two months ago a random video came rolling through my Facebook feed about physical abuse in a specific relationship in England. This happened recently and I believe that it said that this was the first case where a female was charged with physical assault for abuse in a relationship against a man in the UK. I haven’t seen or read much about true abuse in relationships, so I watched the whole short video to understand the specifics. It told the story of what happened to the boyfriend and how it went almost unnoticed by everyone even with glaring signs and such seeming-apathy from both the man and the woman about his constant injuries. He would make up stories to everyone including the police and hospitals about his injuries because he feared for his life. One day recently, the police were called to their residence for a yelling-noise complaint made by the neighbors. Upon arriving they found the man bloody on the stairs, and he told them that he tripped and fell and hit his head (because his girlfriend was in the room). They agreed, aided him, but immediately noticed the many other injuries that weren’t as new and they recognized the signs right away from experience. Through some coercing, they managed to pull him outside, away from his girlfriend, and got the real story from him. She had been manipulating, threatening, hitting and cutting him on a daily basis for years since nearly the beginning of their relationship to control him and trap him. The police officer that spotted the signs and made it a point to bring out the truth and knew that he would be more likely to talk about it away from the girlfriend because he was afraid for his life.

I couldn’t comprehend going through such obvious physical trauma and nearly being overlooked. I am thankful that I have never been physically abused. I immediately scrolled on and distracted myself with some video of planes, I’m sure.

But for the next several days I kept thinking about that video and story and I couldn’t get this weird feeling out of my head about it. I couldn’t place it at first but it began to remind me of the overarching confusion and despair that I have been feeling for a long time about my self. It felt very...not at all nostalgic...but familiar... It started to become far more clear from there...

I immediately began researching and reading. Perhaps too much at times...

My mom has been going through abuse for years with my step father in multiple forms and though I have subconsciously, and even quite consciously known that it was occurring, I think I was too afraid to research the specifics of the abuse. The subconscious side of my brain must have been telling me not to because I was too afraid of what I would find for a very different reason...

For over four years I was very brutally psychologically/emotionally abused every minute of every day.

Sxxx (blocked for anonymity) (a name I rarely use, because I have subconsciously wanted to block it out for the rest of my life) did far more than a little bit of manipulation to control me and everything about my life. I know this was probably somewhat apparent to most people around me but the abuse was much deeper and more prevalent than anyone could have ever known or imagined...and more than I noticed or wanted to admit to myself... She did so many things, big and small, blatant and subtle, in public and in private (mostly), that completely destroyed me mentally. I think that I blocked out each incident as best as I could and I became very visibly numb but subconsciously extremely damaged with every passing day.

As this realization began to sink in, after the Facebook story, I went into a state of emotional shock that has had me trapped in a very vicious circle of negative emotions. I began researching deeper into it and reading a lot of articles, news and health journals, Wikipedia pages, news stories, blogs, etc. that drove home the realization. But I wanted to have some sort of immediate validation of this, so I searched for quizzes by mental health organizations that help individuals determine if they are in an abusive relationship. The first quiz had a long series of “yes” or “no” questions. I read every one very carefully and took the quiz as honestly as I could, treating it as though I was still in a relationship with her and reliving the way I was treated, digging up memories that I didn’t even know that I have...and I definitely don’t want to have. When I finally reached the end, it gave a percentage score of the likelihood that I was abused... 98.8%...

The only reason that it wasn’t 100% was because the only question that I answered “no” to was a question pertaining to children and houses, which we obviously never shared.

I took another, shorter test and scored a 92% for very similar circumstances. It’s true that what I experienced wasn’t physical abuse like the story that I read, but it is, basically, absolute that I was psychologically/mentally abused for years and, while it generally doesn’t come with standard PTSD, as the world knows it, like physical abuse does, it can be seen as more serious and have much worse long term effects that tend to go mostly unnoticed, but are extremely detrimental over time...according to the research that I’ve done anyway...and which I am finding that I believe from experience... I found in the research that I have most of the long term symptoms and a lot of my behaviors and tendencies are tied to mental changes that happened during those years...

The emotions and shock came rushing in like nothing I’ve ever felt. It began with a deep upsetness, followed by a deep anger. How could I have let that happen? Why didn’t I realize this years ago? Who am I actually because of this?

The research didn’t help. I started to tell myself that it can’t be true out of pure denial, reinforced by the research. Many articles and pages seemed to have a consensus that males arent typically affected by abuse in a deep way like females and are so overwhelmingly usually the perpetrators of abuse that psychological/mental abuse against males is seen as essentially non-existent. Only four pages that I read of the dozens agreed that abuse can happen equally to any gender, in any relationship and have equal effects. But, in order to read more about symptoms, long term effects and how/why abusers abuse, I had to read articles/stories about male abusers.

I started to feel like I was crazy. Like I wasn’t supposed to feel any feelings about what happened to me. Like I was supposed to pretend that it didn’t happen at all. It feels oddly sexist of me to believe that this happened to me, and also weak of me to believe that I was so brutally abused and mentally scarred because of how so many pages and people made it a male-against-female-only situation. Maybe it is very sexist and weak of me and I need to just bottle it all up as if I never knew what happened (I essentially have been for years anyway)...maybe I am just crazy and remembering things wrong or imagining things... I know that there are many people out there that are abused and are/were in far worse situations than I am...including my own mom. I don’t know... it all just feels so...confusing and intimidating...and too much for me to understand or handle... This feeling is very reinforced by the way I was and always have been treated as a “pushover” by many people for what happened during those years... I know that I wants, but it’s far more complicated than just being a “pushover”...

Maybe not all of the issues that I listed early on in

this...whatever-you-want-to-call-it are related to what happened to me, but the more I am piecing things together, the more I am finding that it was likely the brutal subconscious driving factor in all of it. I’m far too embarrassed by it all to bring it up in person or face it and I feel very foolish and selfish to blame all of my problems on something that happened years ago, but it actually makes a lot of sense...

It’s very frustrating, as well, that every medical page that I read was about actively being in an abusive relationship and their solution to every problem was always to change the way the abuser behaved in the relationship or end the relationship entirely and that should just fix everything... yet they also all agree that there are long term effects, water the relationship has ended, that can last for years or even the rest of a persons lifetime that they just don’t discuss solutions for...

The biggest problem of all is, now knowing all of this about my likely-abuse, I still don’t know how to move forward and progress past all of these issues that I have now. I almost regret knowing more than not because it has made my emotions much stronger and more confusing. I don’t want this to define me or keep ahold of me and everything that I do, but it’s a constant battle against my own brain that I just can’t seem to win...especially as the bad memories start flooding in uncontrollably...

She used to make me believe that all problems were my fault, that I was never good enough, never would be good enough, and that I should give up on everything because I was wasting everyone’s time, energy and life including mine with my “stupid and ridiculous” ideas, hobbies, activities, etc. and I “wasn’t good at any of them anyway.” I was treated as though any decision that I made was a bad one, a wrong one, a stupid one... she would manipulate me into joining things or going to things so that she would look better than me to everyone there and try to make it look as though I didn’t care or that she was the victim...

For the entire four years I had to be in constant contact (usually by text) within every 5 minutes at most to prove that I wasn’t ignoring or “cheating” on her. If I didn’t answer within five minutes I usually received a text that read “bye” to make me feel abandoned, worthless and guilty. It would make me feel as though I had been ruining her life. I would be constantly (usually a dozen times a day or more) having to apologize and explain myself. She would usually continue to ignore my long pleading messages for several hours or even until the next day, then either pretend like nothing ever happened, or say that I owe her. She would always claim that because I didn’t text back that I missed out on something big or important to her and that I must be cheating on her or simply didn’t care about her. No matter how much I would say or very visibly show that I cared she would treat me as though I was still very wrong. I was never once put first in her life. I could handle not ever being first, but to be not only far from first, I was, instead, constantly put down as though I was the bane of her existence. I went very out of my comfort zone and disobeyed rules, teachers, family, etc. to “make it up to her.” This was incredibly beyond my character but she would put me in a very dark and anxious place nearly hourly. She used my extreme patience and sympathy against me by keeping me trapped in a destructive cycle. I would have to leave home when I wasn’t supposed to or miss so many important events with my own friends or family without permission to walk to her house and apologize in person, only to be shunned initially at the door.

She made me join the speech and debate team. I probably could have been good at it too... she made sure that I was part of her group, but that I wouldn’t actually participate in the group. Any part that I had was to be done away from the group with no understanding or explanation of what I was tasked with. I was isolated from everyone and everything happening. When I would have to rejoin the group the day before a debate I would be barated and torn down by her followed by the rest of the group because I did everything wrong. We went to several debates and at one of the very first ones I made a small and simple mistake in the debate against a team from another school that I didn’t know I had made because I was never taught. She got visibly mad immediately, even with the judges and opponents in the room. As soon as that debate was over, she stormed out of the room with no explanation and walked back to the waiting area without saying a word to me. As soon as I arrived (shortly after her), I immediately found her ranting to her friends and our classmates in front of everybody else about how stupid I was and how I ruined the debate for her and our whole school. She cast me in a very bad light and made it sound as though the mistake was so simple that I must be a “complete idiot” to make it. She went on about this for about an hour, even stretching the conversation to neighboring opponent schools seated nearby. And any time I would try to step into the conversation to defend my self she would angrily cast me off to a secluded table away from them and everyone for the rest of the day. She took away my phone and anything else that I had claiming that I didn’t deserve it because of my screw up (something that she did often with phones and other meaningful objects). I tried to hold hands with her and plead with her on the two hour car ride home in the back of her dads car but she would angrily refuse with the silent treatment all the way until I was dropped off. It didn’t matter how many times that I would agree with her that I was “stupid” and “worthless”, she would still treat me as though I was even lower than that.

At every school dance that I attended with her, she would immediately leave my side to go find friends. Every time I would catch up with her she would leave me again to find a different friend for no other reason than just to find them. She would do this to control me, make me feel abandoned and make sure that I was always paying attention to her and nobody else, isolating me from everyone, even in a large crowd of people that I know. And as the night would go on she would begin to tell people that I was ignoring her because I wouldn’t stay right with her (because I couldn’t keep up or I wouldn’t immediately notice that she silently left again) and I must not care about her, even though I would spend the entire time in a mad dash back and forth trying to find her, never having time to stop and talk to anyone that I knew that was trying to talk to me. She or someone would spill something on me by accident but she would just laugh and usually make it worse somehow (spilling more on me, finding people to embarrass me for being a klutz to, etc). If I accidentally spilled something on her or even near her it was a guarantee that she wouldn’t talk to me or pay attention to me for the rest of the night. I was always expected to pay for everything and drop off jackets and pick them up and carry her stuff everywhere, but never received any kind words or gestures, as was true for everything and everywhere we went for the whole four years. I was young and very naive about relationships at first, so while I thought it was strange, I just thought that I was being polite and gentlemanly and showing that I cared, but I was very much told and shown the opposite, which became far more obvious over time. It was simply expected and if I didn’t then she would use it as a reason to prove to others (and to me in our many daily arguments[consisting mostly of her yelling and saying incredibly rude things to me while I would spend a lot of time apologizing]) that I am a rude person who doesn’t show that I care.

One day, we had gone to a movie with her little sister at the movie tavern and, after the movie, we had lots of time to kill before the bus came to take us home so they decided that they wanted to go to kohl’s. We wandered around for a while and eventually ended up in the jewelry department. As usual she was trying to lose me in the store as a “game” much like she would do at dances or...well...anywhere public that we would go, really. The aisles were very small in the jewelry department and I turned a corner too quickly, very seriously trying to keep up with her to avoid the claim that I “left her because I didn’t care” and, in doing so, I accidentally stepped on the back of her heel and “flat-tired” her shoe, so-to-speak. It was minor and I almost didn’t even noticed that I had done it but she immediately yelled “ow” and screamed at me and threw something at me. It left a small red mark on her heel that she showed everyone. She claimed that I abused her and she claimed that to everyone, including her family and mine for years after that. She made me pay for everything that her and her sister had picked out at kohl’s and made me change my plan (to just go home) and instead walk them all the way back to their house (about 2.5 miles) carrying everything. They walked ahead of me about 15 feet the whole way to their house and spent the whole time making fun of me and barating me.

Her and her family tried very hard to make me change religions. They made me watch many documentaries and shows about their religion against my will and they even brought several holy figures and very religious friends to their house for special occasions just to try to convince me that their way was the only right way. They would ask me a lot of derogatory questions to make me feel stupid for not believing or participating. They would make me participate in things that I knew nothing about and didn’t want to do. I respect their religion, as I do everyone’s, and politely tried to abstain but she would get very mad, again claiming that I must not cares out her, then, and make me participate. I attended every special occasion that I could for her and her family. I even spent an entire Christmas Day away from my family and the traditions/plans that we had made so that she could make me watch her and her family open their gifts and partake in their traditions. This would have been okay if I had been seen as welcome, but instead, since I wasn’t part of their religion, I was intentionally isolated the entire day, especially by her. And the gifts that I had bought for her she wasn’t very fond of, so she would trash talk about them and how I could have done better and how I must not care about her at all because the gifts proved that I “didn’t know her at all” even though she would keep them and wear them (jewelry) or display them (souvenirs, stuffed animals, etc). She would pry at my insecurities to make them worse and make me feel like her life was miserable because of me.

Marching band meant the world to me, as did flying and filmmaking. She hated all of these things about me because they were things that she didn’t participate in, didn’t enjoy and were things that would take my attention away from her for a bit. She would constantly say things like “well why don’t you just quit school and break up with me to go be in the marching band, then.” That’s a very light attack compared to many that she had said to me on a daily basis and she meant them in a very serious and derogatory way to make me feel bad for participating in the things that I love. She only attended one marching band event throughout the entirety of high school but she wasn’t actually there to cheer me on. She managed to pull that facade off for my family and friends while she was there, but she slowly started isolating me from the band and all other people as the night went on so that she could keep control of me and my life. At any other time (all other performances and rehearsals throughout high school [including band concerts]) she would get mad immediately if I brought them up in conversation and when I was actively at them because she saw them as optional things that I was participating in because “I cared about them more than her”. She never attended any other event because, even though I would invite her and her family well in advance, I would remind her the week of or week before and she would claim that I never invited her and that it was way too late, she had something else to do during those times or simply wouldn’t attend out of spite. She would make me believe that I hadn’t invited her sooner and that I was crazy and stupid for thinking that I did. She argued with me on a daily basis about how I cared about band and filmmaking more than her even though I began giving up those parts of my life for her and I would break the rules and secretly pull my phone out all of the time to message her to keep “checking in” and keep her relatively calm while in class, at rehearsal, during concerts, etc...though she was always mad anyway. I attended every choir concert and IB event; church and family event that she had and cheered her on whole heartedly...hoping that she would be happy that I was there. Instead I would get ignored, not introduced to people I didn’t know, and constantly made fun of whenever possible...

Her strangle hold on my life may sound like something I could just walk away from at any time, but it was far more complicated than it seemed. Her and her family found ways to subliminally, and very forwardly, threaten me into staying in the relationship on a daily basis, again using my patience, sympathy and insecurities against me and degrading me like I was too naive and stupid too understand how to be in a proper relationship so they needed to teach me. I was, in fact, very naive because I believed them (specifically her) and believed that giving in to their lives, lies and treatment was for the better.

I hated myself and believed that I was a truly bad person in every way. I believed that I owed her and her family the world and my life. When I would tell her that I was in distress, she would just tell me that I should “go kill myself, then.” I subconsciously knew that a lot was wrong but I saw no way out but to try even harder every day, actually making my mental state/scar significantly worse every day...nearly leading me to a very different way out...

She always tried to make me plan dates that I couldn’t afford or wasn’t capable of doing at that age because I always “owed her one” for everything that I do wrong. I planned three dates in a row one time and she didn’t like a single one of them. Quite in the contrary. She told me flat out that she hated them and hated my ideas because they were childish, stupid and she didn’t like participating in the types of things that I had planned. These included a picnic, a nice dinner and movie with frozen yogurt at her favorite place, and an active date to jumpoline. She made me feel like I didn’t care; like a failure; like I didn’t know her at all; like I was stupid. She, of course, told everyone that we knew or met for weeks about how horrible I was at planning.

We had several classes together throughout high school, mainly French. She always made sure that I was aware that she knew French better than me and that my experience didn’t matter. If I tried to correct her when she said or wrote something incorrectly, she would get very angry; tell me, very seriously, to “shut up” and usually ignore me for a while. She would always try to be in a group with me in activities in that class but, just like speech and debate, she would isolate me from the group right away and insult me every time that I got something wrong. This morale destruction happened so frequently, slyly and subliminally that I believed that I was bad at everything and so I began shutting down in every class and activity that I took in high school, participating in activities less and less. I stopped doing homework for fear that I was always wrong and had no understanding, which was constantly reinforced by my poor testing and grades. At the time I truly believed that I was just stupid and couldn’t understand anything in school, not knowing that it was all in my head and I just wasn’t ever fully engaged ever again. I felt very left behind in school. Something that has always pained me very much...

This, of course, all came to a head on homecoming night of senior year. The night started at her house for photos where the attention was, no doubt, completely on her and how she looked. I wore one of my dads nice shirts, and, though it wasn’t the nicest shirt, it was what I had and what we could afford. For years, she had been buying dresses and sending me samples of the colors to force me to match her. She would refuse to help me pick anything out and I couldn’t afford to keep getting new outfits to match every special occasion. This time I had chosen my dads shirt because, even though it wasn’t a perfect match for color, it was a complimentary color. It was a nice shirt but it wasn’t the perfect shirt, which was made clear to me right away. She was immediately mad as soon as she saw me. She was quick to insult my outfit and so was her family. They felt that I looked like trash, that I have no class or style and that I didn’t care about her especially on special occasions. I was constantly reminded about that every time we encountered another person throughout the night, as she insisted to everyone that I didn’t care, which was obvious because I “didn’t try at all to match her and my shirt was awful”... This put me in a bad place from the get go.

We went to my dads house for a nice home cooked meal that I picked out and she, of course, hated. She didn’t eat much of it and very blatantly didn’t finish or clean up or have any gratitude for.

After dinner, my dad had offered to take us to the school for the dance. She didn’t like this idea because she hated my family very blatantly and picked out a few key things that my dad had said in the car on the way to the dance to immediately throw in my face as soon as we got out. My dad can definitely be abrasive, but that night he had actually been incredibly pleasant and kind to her all the way until we dropped her back off at home that night, so there was extremely little for her to be angry about, but she latched onto something and threw it in my face in front of everybody standing in line to get into the dance. She stormed off without me with her ticket to find one of her friends in line. I couldn’t find her so I had to enter the dance alone. As soon as I found her inside, she threw it in my face that I left her alone... the dark place grew so much stronger. She dragged me to do photos with one set of friends, then immediately abandoned me on the dark dance floor to go find different friends for no reason other than to make me chase her. I looked for her for almost a half an hour, but couldn’t find her, so I found some friends at a table in the cafeteria to sit with and calm down. Not even five minutes after that, she shows up and yells at me in front of the friends about not caring, abandoning her, how terrible I look and how I am an all around terrible boyfriend and person. She then found a way to quickly convince our friends to scramble away with her again to go find other friends, leaving me alone at the table...

I didn’t get up and chase her that time...

I sat and stared at my phone for the rest of the night as though I was doing something important as best as I could to cover up the fact that I was in an extremely dire mental state. I was just staring at a blank phone in all actuality. But the plan worked. Nobody talked to me or noticed me for the rest of the night. When she finally came back a long while later, alone, she only came to request that I call my dad to come get us and take us home. I did so, then made one final plea for help to her without being too obvious about my distress so that I wouldn’t leave myself open for an attack for being “stupid” or “weak” about my emotions, but she ignored me, as usual, and sat in silence. We left in silence and dropped her off in silence.

That night, I got home and immediately got into PJs...barely...said goodnight to my dad and step mother, thanking them for all that they did that night and went to bed. I lay my head down and wanted nothing more than for the mental torture of myself (believing that I was a horrible person and I ruined her life and her important night again) to stop and stop for good, so I buried my face in the pillow and pinched my nose as hard as I could, thinking that I could smother myself and it would at least look like somewhat of an accident. Only moments later I passed out...

Fortunately, I had rolled away from the pillow and had managed to breathe again. I didn’t wake up until the next morning, however. I woke up very dazed and confused. I wasn’t sure that what I had done the night before was actually real but it very slowly sank in as I lay in bed for hours, slowly thinking. I was lucky to be alive and, though that was a very stupid and ineffective way of thinking of killing myself, I realized that my thoughts were so clouded that night that I didn’t have time to contemplate a better way. I knew that if this continued that I eventually would, which actually scared me literally almost to death because it’s not who I am. I didn’t understand then why I had decided that I had decided that this was the best course of action that I could possibly take. I thought that I was just generally depressed and that I was overall terrible at life. I didn’t understand what was actually happening at all but I knew that something had to change. I immediately began planning a long, difficult, but desperate plan to leave her. Subconsciously I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never full understood why I knew it would make things better...maybe that makes me very naive...but that’s just the truth...

When I finally did leave her, it was a very messy situation, but I felt very liberated. I was very foolish and rash in everything I did for a while because I was so mentally damaged from such a long period of abuse. I had no idea that was what was going on, though. I felt better, but not right. I thought that I would feel like I was always supposed to. Like I would be healthy and smarter again. However, I actually felt very hollow and damaged. I didn’t know why and I definitely didn’t realize that the scar was so deeply created... It never went away...and perhaps got much worse over time, in fact, as it’s had time to brew subconsciously without me knowing.

These are only very few of the incidents and daily torments that I was put through. I didn’t realize how much pain it had actually put me in or how much pain it would continue to cause me for years. I never really knew why I wanted to kill myself over something so seemingly small. I guess, in a way, I knew subconsciously all along, but never wanted to pick at the details because it hurt too much as it was...

One of the things that has picked at me the most in recent years is how my mom views me. She believes that my high school struggles and my messiness and my lack of motivation are all learned behaviors from her because of the way she behaved and that my step father had put us both down to, which she believed was her fault for keeping him around. I always knew that this wasn’t true, it wasn’t her fault. The situation with my step father definitely didn’t help, however, I couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t her fault or even his fault. I never could tell her that I disagreed, though, because I didn’t have an answer for why I am who I am and I have behaved the way that I have or why my high school years went so poorly. But, in these last couple of months I have realized that I actually had all of the negative behaviors and thoughts that I have described before she did and that it isn’t learned from one another at all. I realized that my years of brutal abuse started before hers and she has been going through it too now with my step father, and we just both react to our abuse in a similar way. I feel really guilty for not realizing this sooner and helping her understand and feel better about who I am and how I have turned out; that it’s definitely not her fault. She has taken so much out on herself about my life and it makes me very depressed. But I don’t know how to confront her about this now, because I don’t think that she will believe me or understand; at least not for many years after her relationship with my step father is over.

I am very broken and depressed and angry with myself and upset and...so many other feelings from this shock of realization of my abuse that I can’t help but feel the same put-down feeling that I had while it was happening. It’s like living in a nightmare, but it’s already happened before and it’s just as scary this time around. I am finding that I’m very sensitive to certain words, phrases, actions, etc. that I never know are coming, but they trigger little moments of panic or depression out of nowhere that I try very hard to hide. I never expect them and I know that none of them are intentional or with the same destructive motive at all, so I just usually have to mentally talk my way down, which typically doesn’t take very long if I have something to distract me, thankfully. But hiding it can be tough and I am sorry for all of the times that it does show (which is hopefully never) because it isn’t a baggage that I want anyone to ever see in person or have to put up with. These little triggers have been around for many years now, but I never really understood why. Sometimes they trigger little unpleasant memories, make my heart race, give me a little panic attack, make me suddenly defensive, etc. I like to think that I am pretty good at hiding the moment and just keeping them internal these days, because they are generally small enough moments and easy to hide, but the long term effect of each trigger is usually a depression that may last hours. I’ve been blowing these off as nothing more than unpleasantries that nobody needed to know about. I guess, for years, I just assumed that everybody has similar feelings and moments, which many probably do. It never really occurred to me, though, that having them daily...and multiple times daily...wasn’t a normal thing. I found out in my research that these are actually symptoms of a specific post traumatic illness that is very similar to PTSD and generally called, classified and treated the same way...

This is not who I am, but I know that this is part of my life now and forever and I have to find a way to push on...especially as other parts of life get a bit rough...

I have so many good parts of my life right now that I know I will never get back to my darkest state. With all of the little stresses piling up recently, it can be easy to give in to the depression that has always been there and likely always will be and it isn’t an opportune time to have had this realization...but then again...when would be... I just keep telling myself that I am very fortunate for the here-and-now and that everything is ok and will always be ok. I know it’s true and I just have to let that feeling fight it’s way through the rough...

All of this is a realization and also a confession that I hide a lot of things. I hide that I suffer from constant small headaches from muscle tension and grinding my teeth from stress, the constant aches and pains in my muscles from stress; I hide my constant anxiety and the real depth of my insomnia; I hide my nearly constant dark feeling; I hide my trigger moments; I hide my many health problems that concern me; I hide my very low self esteem. I don’t like hiding these things at all, but I am extremely embarrassed and nervous to ever let them show or discuss them. That’s why I usually shy away from the topics when they are brought up and start reverting to short answers with a dull look on my face... When asked if I’m ok, the answer will always be “yes”, but the reality is almost always “not really” and I actually hate that very much but I’m too afraid to say so because I’m embarrassed, so I hide it. I know that everything is and will be ok anyways, but it’s still very tough...

One of my least favorite parts of this is that every time I have a very good, happy, laughing, excited or enjoyable moment, it is almost always followed by an immediate, deep crash into negative emotions and depression that I have to try extremely hard to hide for the betterment of those around me (so that I don’t ruin the good moments) and out of embarrassment. Sometimes, I will try so hard to hide it and I will become too seemingly positive or excited about stuff that I may go overboard with it and almost seem like I’m awkwardly trying to cover up something which brings out my biggest fear that I will be caught in my insecurity. I try really hard to come across very positive for those around me all of the time, or as often as possible. I always have as I like helping others. I like helping others see a different perspective; I like making others feel like their life matters, I like being seen as a positive, uplifting person when people need it most. I don’t mind being the mediator in tense situations if I know that I can bring the conversation or mood back to a calm and happy one. The horrible truth is that, usually, when I am being positive for others I am actually in one of my mentally darkest moments. I am hiding my pain with my positivity. I don’t like having to hide things this way, but my desire to be positive for others is real at the same time. It’s very complicated to understand this mix of feelings as I don’t understand it myself. I feel that my positivity leads people as far away from my dark insecurity as possible and theirs at the same time. It makes me feel safe from giving into negativity for the world to see and keeps me from being the center of attention in a very negative and embarrassing way. It sounds very selfish when I put it all out this way, but I do actually want those around me to be in a good place and I’m glad that I can help them.

Letting out all of these thoughts is maybe what I need but to also relive what happened to me when I thought that I had blocked most of it out makes it hurt all over again, almost as much as it did in the moment. However, I know that I already learned a lot from that period of my life and I’m still learning a lot, I guess, but it is still hard to get passed it anyway. I know that good things are always coming and this deep pain will hopefully pass. I do fear that I won’t be able to hide what is happening to me forever and showing it is the last thing that I want. I don’t ever want this to interfere with anything good in my life or any time that I get with the people that I love and care about in my life. I truly hate that she still has a strangle hold on every aspect of my life because of the way that she damaged my mind and I hate that it is so difficult to break out of the habits, emotions and behaviors that have such current and long-lasting negative impacts.

I don’t want to feel the deep negative emotions from my trauma all over again, but they are here to stay for a while, and I know that they won’t ever quite go away, but it will lessen with more time...I hope. And this rough patch will be short lived because of all of the real love I receive from everyone around me... and for that I am always grateful...

If you are reading this, then I have decided that sharing this was important to our relationship. I am by no means looking for attention or sympathy. In fact, quite the opposite. I have been very undecided about sharing this at all because l am very embarrassed by it and it makes me feel weak and I have had a deep and unfounded fear that I won’t be understood...it has nothing to do with wanting to keep secrets or worrying specifically about how anyone will take it because I know that, in reality, everyone will be accepting and caring. Those that I am closest to truly love me very much and I know that. I don’t want you to think that it has anything to do with you or our relationship (whatever that may be) that I didn’t share this sooner or haven’t been open with you. I care about you and our relationship and my relationship with everyone close more than anything else in my life, which is why I know I need to share this. It’s just really hard to put all of your insecurities out in the open to anyone...I hope that you understand that... As I’ve been writing this for about two months now (mostly written in two nights with constant editing and adding since) and reading over and over, I’ve been so dazed on it all. Maybe I’m just being very over dramatic about the whole thing, but the emotions from this are very real and very strong. I sit in my car at lunch eating alone, trying to figure out how to be okay with myself so that I can keep going. I’ve spent a lot of my sleepless time working on this, making sure that I say everything that I want to and mentally building up the courage to share it and trying to decide the right time to let this be read... I don’t think that I’m ready to talk about this in person yet, but thank you for taking the time to read it and soak it in with me...it means enough right now...

#abuse #emotions #story #memories #memory #hurt #pain #writing #aesthetic #my story #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #narcissistic abuse #thoughts #long reads #reading

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magicofthepen · 3 years

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Gallifrey Relisten: Spirit

This reaction post is almost 4,000 words long, which, given the episode in question.....is very on brand for me. So here have a whole lot of ramblings, in which I go back and forth between “I love this so much” and “hmm yes I do think Spirit is overhyped by virtue of being The Romana/Leela Episode,” and back and forth between “I will be objective and not get overtly shippy about this” and “I’m definitely getting overtly shippy about this.”

(Includes discussion of The Apocalypse Element, the rest of Series 2, Intervention Earth and Enemy Lines, also a bit about Time War 3, but only in the last section.)

Things that are absolutely not overrated and deserve every bit of the hype:

1. The premise

Like, hold on. Hold on. Here we have an entire episode resting on the premise of “Romana wants Leela to stay on Gallifrey so badly that in spite of being y’know, the President of a planet, and specifically a planet currently undergoing major social changes and dealing with evil eldritch beings, the #1 most important thing for her to do with her time is take Leela on a private vacation off world to convince Leela why she should stay on Gallifrey.” (Hint: it’s. it’s for Romana.)

She also then proceeds to be very bad at using her words when it comes to this premise because Romana is all into grand gesture and very little into actually talking about her feelings. Of course. But in an episode that rests on the idea of Romana as the Rational, Logic-Driven One, and Leela as the Instinctive, Emotion-Driven One, it is very good that the premise of the episode is entirely driven by Romana’s emotions. (Wait. Am I going to talk myself out of the idea that Spirit creates these overly simplistic contrasts between Romana and Leela by arguing that it also muddies them at the same time? .....I still think the “overly simplistic” thing is true to an extent. But stay tuned.)

2. The core emotional story

I’m deeply into Gallifrey for the relationships between the main characters, so Spirit is vastly appealing on that front.

The central question of Spirit is: can Leela trust Romana? Leela’s been deeply betrayed by her husband, she feels lost and adrift and she’s doubting her own ability to judge people. (“He stood before me as Torvald, and I did not know him. I had thought myself to have a keener eye.” / “But is his the only trust I may have given in error?”) Leela’s doubting her own instincts specifically, which is why it’s so important that this episode has Romana move from being more dismissive of Leela’s instinctive, emotional approach to the world, to understanding where Leela’s coming from and appreciating her instincts and worldview. Leela needs to trust not just Romana, but also herself.

And it is 1. important to explore this! Shoutout to Gallifrey for not brushing aside the emotional repercussions of Andred’s betrayal on Leela’s close relationships in general and her own image of herself! and 2. intersects in super fascinating ways with Romana’s trust issues.

Romana gets a hard time for the “valuable asset” thing, which. Fair. But I think it is important to acknowledge the premise here — the whole vacation, everything Romana is actually doing screams “I care about you very much on a personal level,” and just because she isn’t saying that doesn’t mean she isn’t showing that. Because she has her own baggage when it comes to friendship and trust, and a lot of that does loop back around to “being imprisoned for twenty years and having no one come to save you really messes you up. on so many levels.”

(Also I have to mention the end of The Apocalypse Element because that last scene with the Doctor and Romana really established how I looked at Romana and her close personal relationships moving forward. Because yeahhhh maybe having the one (1) person who is specifically your Friend (and not your colleague, or advisor, or anything related to The Presidency) go “yeah you can clean up this mess right! cool bye!” after you’ve gone through decades of trauma immediately followed by needing to repel an invasion of your planet....maybe that might make you distrust that anyone in the universe is actually going to care about you as a person anymore, and not see you as The President of Gallifrey first and foremost).

Bottom line: Romana really, really likes Leela (.....we all can decide in what way....), but also has a whole lot of doubt that other people could care about her as a person, doubt that it’s even worth letting herself be that emotionally vulnerable with someone else, because what if they throw her trust and care back in her face? And so this whole episode, there’s this undercurrent of wanting to trust each other and wanting to care about each other simmering under the surface for the both of them, but they’re both having trouble really seeing and believing what each other is feeling and I love it. I love this kind of interesting, complicated relationship struggle so much, and I love how Spirit has a positive ending, where they both manage to convey to each other in one way or another that they really do want to be around each other. ( “I was so alone in the world of dreams when you left. The wildlands were dark and so quiet. I do not wish to be alone.” / “There will be a place for you with me, for always. Whatever face I wear.” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

(Sure, the later episodes of the season fuck everything up again, but we are Not Talking about Insurgency/Imperiatrix here.)

(We are also Not Talking about Intervention Earth/Enemy Lines....okay I’ll talk a little about IE/EL, but only because when relistening to Spirit there’s this sort of elephant in the room with “There will be a place for you with me, for always. Whatever face I wear.” And that elephant is the writers deciding that when Romana regenerated, she would abandon Leela, which...hmmm. To be fair, I have lots of more complex, specific thoughts about what might have happened emotionally and literally in that thankfully jettisoned timeline, but the bottom line is that I was and still am very *side eyes* at that writing choice.)

3. The chair scene

Oh my god. Oh my god. This scene is actually brilliant and delightful on every relisten, I want it framed please??

I think it’s probably iconic because it’s just so happy, and it is so so wonderful to have a moment like that, with the two of them making up a silly story to Hallan about what happened to the window and laughing about it. And it is good! It’s so good! (A side note: Romana in particular in this episode has that “audibly smiling” tone of voice so so much more than usual, in addition to her overall tone having very clearly shifted away from “presidential” for the majority of the episode and y’all.....it’s so excellent to hear, that is such a rare thing.)

Also specifically, it’s the fact that Leela is like ugh this room is too stuffy :( and Romana immediately is like “I must fix this, I need to make her happy” and does something so ridiculous and impulsive just to please Leela.......again, this episode is pulling a Romana Has Too Many Feelings and is acting on her emotional instincts thing......yes.

“You’re a breath of it yourself in the Capital.” “Oh Romana, nice words will not make me stay.” I’m sorry but Romana’s delivery of this line is so flirtatious? (And Leela going ah no, you can’t flirt your way out of this.)

Things that are......not good:

1. The science vs. spirituality dichotomy (and how it makes the characters look)

The whole evolution vs. creation discussion thing not only feels too simplistic for the characters, but it also feels like it’s deliberately painting Leela in a negative light? To have Leela specifically going I don’t believe in evolution when the audience is going to disagree with her and bounce off of that....yeah. It also feels like the whole exaggerated ~super in tune with nature, doesn’t know or believe things about science~ thing is leaning into the racist indigenous stereotypes her character is too often linked to.

And on top of that, it doesn’t feel in character? Classic Who episodes don’t stick in my brain that well so my memory isn’t super clear on the details, but Leela was banished from her tribe for questioning their beliefs. Plus she learned that her society’s social divisions were based on misinformation and forgotten history (having more information was important, it changed things for her world). And she was the one who wanted to leave and travel, and also has always showed a lot of interest in learning new things. To have Leela so deeply clinging to the beliefs she learned when she was young, without any of that questioning or the nuance of weaving in new things she’s learned with the old......it feels reductive. (There could be so much more nuance here re: how living so long away from the Sevateem and having to defend her background so much on Gallifrey has affected her relationship with the culture and beliefs she grew up in, but Spirit has none of that.)

2. The mindswap’s lack of nuance

There’s a similar issue here with the mindswap, where Leela especially comes off as over-simplified. I don’t know if this was an acting choice or a directing choice, but the over-the-topness of Lalla’s performance during the mindswap really feeds that (the way Romana’s voice sounds so different when she’s “acting like Leela”, while Leela still sounds fundamentally like herself when she’s acting more like Romana — why the difference?). Also, Romana is a lot more helpless and distressed when she has part of Leela in her mind, which again, does not make Leela come off as especially competent (even though she is). There are times when this episode feels like it’s trying harder to put Romana and Leela into these boxes than it is at trying to break down those boxes and yeah, all around I wish there was more nuance.

3. The interrupting of the vacation date, damn it, do you think I care about a “plot”?

Alright, alright this one is not in the same category as the other two. It is absolutely not a valid criticism, it is purely the “I want this audio to cater to me, personally” part of my brain getting disappointed every time I relisten when Wynter crashes the vacation. Specifically, when they’re all alone in the woods together having important personal conversations and Leela’s decided that they’re camping out for the night....maybe I just wanted to hear the overnight camping trip, y’know. Maybe I just wanted them to cuddle beneath the stars. (Also this will come back big time next episode, but I very much back away from horror of Wynter’s mutilation, I am a squeamish person and the Wynter thing is not my favorite plot.)

Misc liveblogging things:

“I’m sorry I had to have you dragged here to my quarters. I have requested an audience with you several times on a matter of security but have received no answer.” — It’s unclear exactly how much time has passed between Lies and Spirit, but not too long(?) and Leela’s been trying to track down Andred a lot during this time (which means that once again, Romana’s specifically taking Leela away from looking for Andred....).

Leela scathingly calling Romana “Madam President” oof. (I think this moment may have been what I was thinking of re: Leela only uses Romana’s title when she’s annoyed or angry, will have to note if/when it happens again.)

“It is your world and not mine. Although I have lived here for many years it has never been my home. And I am unhappy.” I know I’ve said this before, but Leela’s concept of home is very much the people she cares about and hhhhh so many feelings about this throughout the series.

Oof Darkel’s got Romana pegged with the “how far will she go” thing.

Is Narvin......being nice re: Romana having a trying time? Or sarcastic? Or is he just like oh thank god she’s off the planet for a hot sec I can take a breath.

Brax saying it was him that recommended Romana leave and insisting they don’t talk about it — he’s sooo covering for her, but also I want to know how that convo went....how exactly did Romana explain the “I’m going to take Leela on a private vacation off-world for.....personal reasons.....please cover for me slash be my emergency contact” thing?

“So I can only conclude from your recent behavior that you’re experiencing a considerable amount of pain.” — I mean, Leela did explicitly say earlier that she was unhappy. Still, it is a really good moment here — Romana saying I see that you’re hurting and I want to help.

.......and that’s right before “valuable asset” line. You were doing so good, Romana. (She does say friend though! I mean, she says it like it’s an ordeal, but she does immediately course correct to admit that Leela’s her friend.) Also....I’m having some kinda thought here about the “asset” line — how she compliments Leela in terms of her usefulness is icky, but I think Romana often judges her own worth based off of how useful she is to Gallifrey? I think there are several moments throughout the series that point to Romana basing her worth as a person off of her work and how successful she is at protecting her world and making it better, which is just an overall unhealthy mindset to be in (and this says something about the toxicity of Gallifreyan culture possibly but also something about the lingering trauma of Etra Prime and living for decades in a place where her life itself (whether she survived) was directly tied to her usefulness...going to mull this over more, but I think there’s something here).

Hallan is so awful about Leela, and he goes on for a bit about how he should be watching the president at all times — aka there is definitely resentment within the Chancellery Guard towards Leela for taking the role of bodyguard to the president. And this is mixed in with nasty comments about Andred, former member of the Chancellery Guard, for marrying an alien.

“A marriage is about maintaining the power of the chapters, strengthening alliances between houses” — it is interesting how more than once in the audios they talk about marriage as primarily a political thing in Time Lord culture (at least among the elite), with love being an exception and something disapproved of.

The “Leela’s been on Gallifrey for twenty-five years” math......does not work. Between The Invasion of Time and the Gallifrey audios, Romana left Gallifrey, ended up traveling with the Doctor for a while, stayed behind in E-space for a while, returned from E-space to Gallifrey, became President, got captured by the Daleks and held prisoner for twenty years, and according to Square One I believe it’s been “years” since The Apocalypse Element.......and apparently only twenty-five years have passed on Gallifrey? Even if we pretend that no time passed on Gallifrey during Romana’s adventures with the Doctor and in E-space, that timeline is still questionable. Leela has to be on Gallifrey for a lot longer than that.

“I’ve searched for [my purpose] in many places.” — It’s interesting that Romana lists off the places she’s tried to find purpose, but doesn’t say anything at all about Gallifrey — Leela is the one to say that Romana has found her purpose on Gallifrey, Romana never actually says that. (I have...lot of feelings about Romana’s very complicated relationship to Gallifrey.)

Romana mentions Pandora predicting that she would rule over Gallifrey, and predicting that Romana would let that happen — Romana is worried about Pandora in particular, and also there’s the implication that she wants Leela to stay to help her hold onto herself and prevent that future.

Just ahhhh the scene by the fire where Leela decides, after avoiding too much discussion about what she’s feeling, to be emotionally honest: “It frightens me to think that I have spent so much of my life with another in a trust that I believed was true and strong, one that could not sicken, and that I was wrong.”; “You are my friend. I know that, for all we disagree on. And yet, if tomorrow you grew sick, you could throw off your form like an old sheet and be a person I would no longer recognize, not with my eyes nor with my heart.” It’s a good scene!!

The whole “who is the broken man?” mystery is good on first listen I suppose, but I’ve never quite bought that they can’t ID him. Can the Time Lords not do a quick DNA test or something? (To be fair, these are the same people who missed that Andred was impersonating someone else for months, but at least here they actively know that they need to be figuring out who he is.)

The herbal remedy — “The outsiders use it when in pain or distress.” Confirmation that Leela does hang out with the outsiders on Gallifrey.

“I’ve been inside these things I don’t know how many times and I assure you nothing could go wrong.” Post-Etra Prime Romana trying to get some sleep for once tbh (also okay she does have some healthy coping mechanisms apparently).

“It speaks to your innermost wishes and wonders and indulges them while you dream” “There is a wild woman inside me” I’m so sorry but did they really not intend to making the sensory tanks and mindswap sound incredibly erotic because

“It is winter here.” *eyebrow waggle*

I do not like hearing stabbing sounds! (Also apparently this season has a thing for Romana kinda sorta killing people with knives.)

Leela wakes up a bit later than Romana (she stays in the dream space longer), and she says she heard Pandora’s voice — Romana dismisses that, but I do wonder what exactly happened in the dreamspace after Romana woke and what additional things Leela might have heard/seen??

Hallan is so shitty, kick his ass Leela.

I do wonder why the subplot with Melyin and Hallan was included? Was it to introduce Hallan as a character and flesh out the side characters so we know them a bit better when they’re around with the Wynter subplot? (Personally, I don’t enjoy how earlier in the episode they keep cutting away from Romana and Leela’s really important and interesting conversation to those two sides characters, so I’m not sure they needed that storyline?) But there is this sort of interesting moment where Melyin talks about freeing herself from this place where she’s isolated and Leela sympathizes — and yet at the same time is choosing to go back to Gallifrey. There is potentially an interesting parallel here, but I’m not exactly sure what the parallel is supposed to be saying about Leela.

“And what about you? Back to Gallifrey and your husband?” “I am returning to Gallifrey, yes. It is not yet time for me to leave.” Leela expertly dodging mentioning Andred in her response or referring to him as her husband. Actually I kinda want to pay more attention to when she does or doesn’t refer to Andred as her husband. I’m pretty sure she calls him her husband after he dies because that is who she’s grieving, but in this episode she talks about wanting to confront him and hurt him or make peace with him, and in A Blind Eye she was all “my husband is dead” (and I think there are some things in Insurgency about this) —there is a question here about whether or not she still considers herself married to Andred at this point.

How did the knowledge of events get out on Gallifrey? Brax says if people were watching his movements closely it wouldn’t be hard to put things together — but also he probably knows that Romana needs to return for Gallifrey for events to play out, so it seems quite possible that he essentially leaked the info himself (knowing that the events of Pandora are coming....oof).

Leela talks about returning to Gallifrey avenge the broken man — in series 2 and 3, she frequently turns to vengeance as something to give her motivation and purpose when she’s unhappy and grieving, but I forgot it came up as early as Spirit ahhh yikes.

The (shippy) elephant in the room:

(Includes vague mentions of Time War 3.)

As a final thing, I do want to mention that while this episode has a reputation of being really gay (because yep it so so subtextually gay)....I do always remember that it is only subtext. Specifically in a “isn’t it interesting that other ships between main characters get clearly teased as romantic possibility, but when it’s the core relationship of the show that just so happens to be between two characters played by women, they would never explicitly hint that there might be anything romantic going on there” way. (For a long time, I tried to convince myself this didn’t bother me. It does.)

Like don’t get me wrong, I adore their friendship and I am very cool with their relationship being entirely platonic in the audios. However, my feelings are also very context-dependent, and the context is an audio drama series in which the only explicitly queer characters are side/minor characters who die horribly (and also only exist in the very recent releases). There are no canon f/f relationships or canonically queer women in the entire series (no, Leela/Veega doesn’t count, they were pretty explicit on that being not canon), in contrast with plenty of canon m/f relationships. This is also why I say that I’d be 100% unbothered if Gallifrey really was equal-opportunity devoid of romance (I really genuinely enjoy the friendship-centric narrative of this series, it’s so good) or even had significant canonically queer side characters, but when there’s such a pointed ignoring of any queer subtext and a general ‘would never ever make any main character canonically queer’ vibe throughout the whole series (I am looking at you Unity) it’s.....hmmm. It just doesn’t feel good, you know?

To end on a lighter (ish) note, going to talk about shippy things for a sec — so I have many headcanon universes that float around in my brain, but generally speaking when I’m writing Romana/Leela fic or thinking about the possibility of their relationship being romantic at some point, I tend to go for things happening between them later in the audios (ideally post-Enemy Lines), with the early series just being endless unresolved tension. But gosh there is a part of me that’s interested in the disaster universe where they do get romantically involved with each other post-Spirit (because as far as the early series go, it does feel like it has to be post-Spirit, when Leela does make the choice to stay with Romana/for Romana on Gallifrey) because oh god that’s so emotionally messy. (It’s only been six months and change since Leela’s husband first disappeared! We’re only two episodes away from Andred’s death! She’s not in a healthy emotional space to be doing this right now, and neither is Romana, frankly! Especially given what’s going to happen in the next several episodes.....but oof wow there’s certainly a story to explore there).

This was not a lighter note, I’m so sorry. Anyways, friendly reminder that I’m always down to go on and on about Romana/Leela, I have....so many feelings about them. Also if you’ve actually read through this entire post, wow and thank you??

Previous Episode Reaction: Lies

#gallifrey audios #romana #leela #(i will be honest i had large chunks of this written even before i relistened)#(what can i say i will take any and all opportunity to ramble on about these two)#also i think this reaction post deserves the #romana x leela #tag #the relisten of rassilon #ramblings #emily listens to big finish

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curious-minx · 4 years

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Left Behind In The Halloween Parade: Late Review of Bob’s Burgers And The Simpsons.

The First Sunday of November, and the Last Sunday of the Trump and Biden election, found Hulu finally uploading the Bob’s Burgers and Simpsons Halloween episodes. So in the spirit of taking your sweet ass time that is exactly what I did with this review. The Bob’s Burgers Halloween episode is probably the weakest of the series, a series that is practically a Hallmark card company in terms of the amount of holiday-inspired content they have churned out. Episode “Heartbreak Hotel-oween” isn’t a particularly offensive in any way it just fails to live up to Halloween episodes such as my personal favorites Season 8 “The Wolf of Wharf Street,” which remains one of the most visually stunning episodes of the series, and Season 4, the series’ second Halloween episode,“Fort Night,” which has incredibly gruesome stakes and the most satisfying entry in the Louise versus Millie feud.

“Heartbreak Hotel-oween” is still ultimately pretty good and though it took a second viewing to fully appreciate it I do like watching the Belcher children deftly sail through the world of adults. The tantalizing plot thread of a Bob’s Burgers Delivery service is dangled and I would like to see more Delivery based plots. Getting these characters into different areas and expanding upon the ambitious Jersey shore town. Having the kids deliver a burger to an older woman using the burger as a lure for her seance is flattened against a brown and forgettable after thought of a hotel. Everything with the Belcher kids is good and interesting and with the help of Andy Daly voicing the Hotel Manager; Lindsey Stoddart doing Quarantine duty and voicing multiple characters including the old woman Dolores conducting the seance, and Loren Bouchard Home Movies collaborator Melissa Robbins stops by as a bystander character as well.

The episode starts getting in its own way with the adults blood bank centric B-plot. The entire plot is given in a single exchange with Teddie being excited about donating blood and everyman Bob with his everyman O-negative blood finds giving blood nauseating and gross. That’s it. That’s the whole plot and besides the blood banker workers being dressed up as vampires there are no other comedic games being played and it is total unmemorable fluff, which has been a common issue for the ongoing series. One thing this episode does right is at least get Bob, Linda and Teddie out of the restaurant and into a new environment. A lot of the verbal exchanges between Bob, Linda and Teddie feel a lot more stilted due to Covid recordings and the lack of non-scripted banter is sorely missed. I have noticed this season having more John H. Benjamin monologue Bob by himself moments, which only work when Bob’s imagination is in full flight. Where was the talking bag of Bob’s blood? Hell I wouldn’t even had objected to hearing a dang song sung by the vampires to help soothe Bob into giving blood or something beyond: Bob doesn’t like giving blood because it makes him woozy, he gives blood and get’s woozy.

Overall this is a perfectly serviceable episode: three Ghost-baiting cheeseburgers out of five.

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Intermission.

Fox is certainly using the Loren Bouchard & Molyneux sisters brand like a blood bag with the recent announcement of the new series The Great North. Wendy Molyneux is a frequent writer, (executive) story editor since Bob’s Burgers inception. She is the writer of “The Wolf of Wharf Street” and the episode of Bob’s Burgers I have watched the most - “There's No Business Like Mr. Business Business,” because I am a cat fanatic, John Oliver fan, and have been the pet companion of a standard poodle exactly like Snoodle named Faust that I love dearly. Basically, I am excited for this show. Molyneux is also a deeply connected collaborator with Megan Mullally writing on all 74 episodes of Mullally’s forgotten by the ages The Megan Mullally Show. A show according to Wikipedia’s citation of Fox News, “viewers were disappointed to find out that Megan is not anything like Karen in real life,” and if there is any white woman out there that is an anti-Karen it is Mullally. Mullally is not the focus of the show but her more visible and commercially accessible husband Nick Offerman is finally being anointed into the annals of TV Dads. With his three sons voiced by Paul Rust, Will Forte and National Treasure Aparna Nancherla and sole daughter voiced by Bob’s Burgers alum Jenny Slate, who recently honorably stepped down from a lucrative tv series Big Mouth deal like the real champ that she is. Mullally will show up as Jenny Slate’s character’s boss andThe cast is undeniable the backdrop of Alaska has a lot of promise for elaborate or interesting set pieces. I am ready for this show! Will this be Bob’s Burgers Futurama? That’s probably a vicious hex based on how Futurama was infamously jerked around by Fox. FOX has already given the show a promising two-season deal, which is already a lot better than what Netflix did for Tuca and Bertie. Faint nowhere discussions of the Bob’s Burgers movie were also mentioned in an interview with Bouchard who has a cantankerous “theater release only” policy, which bums out a little, but I would much prefer they take as long as possible. The Bob’s Burgers movie cannot end up carrying out the Simpson movie curse.

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I am no Simsons scholar. I could not give you an active ranking of favorite Tree House of Horror episodes. I could tell you that I really like Bart as an Edgar Allen Poe’s Raven. You don’t need to be Simpsons scholar to safely state that “Treehouse of Horror XXXI” should be ashamed to show its “funny face.” For starters the entire appeal of the anthology style of storytelling has been completely deflated by having two of the previous episodes in this season being gimmicky non-standard episodes. The only positive thing I can say about this episode is that it is an important teaching tool for what the most broken and shittiest, laziest satire imaginable would look like and the 2020 Election cold opening is actually pretty solid. All of the good will earned by the strong opening is completely squandered starting with an inexplicably CGI Toys Story sketch. I am assuming the animation department went with CGI because the source material is CGI. The CGI is really bad and makes me really miss the 3D models of Simpsons Hit And Run and perfectly charming The Simpsons Game. Instead this sketch’s particular animation looks like the animators were most inspired not by Pixar’s clean and craftsmen like CGI models but were going for more of a Fanboy & Chum Chum look. A Toy’s Story parody in this day and age is asinine in its laziness, but it’s still an evergreen territory. A good Toy’s Story parody is possible, but simply having Bart play out the role of Toy Story’s Sid except he gets lobotomized by his own toys. I did appreciate the writer’s making the explicit moral of the story to not buy toys, which for a Disney product like the Simpsons is pretty rich.

Behold! The last recorded instance of a quality Toys Story satire from China, IL

The next two parodies go down slightly better simply because they aren’t sporting that eye bleeding animation but paying homage to Enter The Spider-verse and Russian Doll/Happy Death Day 2U in 2020 feels just as dated as Toy Story. What kind of fool is still writing about Russian Doll in 2020? The Enter the Homer-verse sketch is at least ambitious and showcases how masturbatory the show has come whenever it is showcasing Dan Castellaneta’s various vocal talents. I get it dude, you like having dump trucks of money given to you for barely making an effort and doing Hannah Barbara impersonations that sound more like a bad Woody Allen. Regardless, this is still the one sketch that makes the most attempt to have comedic games with its multiple iterations of Homer and even throwing out some alternative universe Burns and Smithers for good measure. The final third Russian Doll sketch that let’s you know that this sketch is more Russian Doll than Happy Death Day by using the same exact Harry Nilsson “Gotta Get Up” piano riff. This sketch had potential but once again the show writers and creatives seem to only indulge the worst possible instincts and cast Lisa as the lead of the sketch. So that means we get to watch this 8 soon-to-be 9 year old girl and fellow child Nelson get murdered in a variety of banal and brutal ways, and it’s just not fun or pleasant to watch. The obvious choice is an unexpected Springfield resident and if it has to be a Simpson having Marge or one of her sisters be the Nadia surrogate makes far more logical sense and Marge’s birthday would carry more emotional weight.

Reminder to myself to check out this lost late series entry where Natasha Lyonne is the voice of Krusty’s daughter.

I completely understand why The AV Club canceled their coverage of The Simpsons. The whole series has a very masochistic and sadistic pull and tug between creatives and fans. The sweet and simple souls of Den of Geek are still reviewing the Simpsons and offer a far more favorable review: https://www.denofgeek.com/tv/the-simpsons-season-32-episode-4-review-treehouse-of-horror-xxxi/. Google results also yield one another publication reviewing this current season published on medium that has been taken by for violating medium rules. Will the Simpsons be coming for me next?

Skip this episode! Judging by the synopsis of the season’s next ep finding the Simpsons, once again, finding themselves somewhere other than Springfield is looking to be another skippable entry. I want to be proven wrong! The latter day Simpsons seasons usually have a memorable or decent episode here or there. So far the only thing remarkable about this season is how much it wants to try to be different and think outside of the Springfield box but in the process give the season an overwhelming sense of hollowness. I shall forge ahead with my coverage, because I am either a masochist or a sadist depending on the weather.

#The Simpsons #Bob's Burgers #TV series #tv review #Halloween #megan mullally #nick offerman #will forte #Paul rust #aparna nancherla #Andy daly #Natasha lyonne #toys story #spiderverse #russian doll #The Great North

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ty-talks-comics · 4 years

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Best of DC: Week of December 18th, 2019

Best of this Week: Doomsday Clock #12 - Geoff Johns, Gary Frank, Brad Anderson and Rob Leigh

It’s finally over.

Doomsday Clock started in November of 2017. I remember the Wednesday when it came out. I chose two copies, the main cover for a friend and the Superman Variant cover by Gary Frank for myself. I even received a button that I still wear, faithfully on my signature hat. I was excited for this crossover - this confrontation between Alan Moore’s greatest creations (in my opinion) and the bright and colorful heroes of the DC Universe. At first, everything started off so well. The book came out monthly and it was amazing...for all of two or three issues.

Soon after, the book switched to a bi-monthly schedule so that Johns, Frank, Anderson and Leigh could tell the story right. I was willing to wait and every single issue was worth it...up until more delays. If the math were correct, the story should have finished in December of 2018, but here we are in December 2019...at the end of this long ass journey and I can honestly say that it was all worth it.

By God, was it worth it.

It’s hard to discuss what goes on in this book because I feel like it’s less about what happens in it and more about the meaning behind specific actions, reveals and reappearances. One of the things that we were sold on during this series was the inevitable confrontation between Superman and Doctor Manhattan and Geoff Johns manages to subvert our expectations n a good way in that the fight never quite happens, but is more of an ideological debate between cynicism and hope, something that’s been at the heart of this story and DC Rebirth since the beginning.

*MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD*

Finally confronting each other, Superman asks Doctor Manhattan who he is Manhattan explains that he is either the one who will destroy Superman or be destroyed by Superman. Before they can delve deeper into that conversation, Superman is beset on both sides by the forces of Russia with Markovia and those of Khandaq. Pozhar and Geo-Force order Superman to answer for Firestorm’s supposed crimes against Russia and Black Adam tells them that he will be held accountable in Khandaq. Tensions rise and the battle is on as Manhattan looks on at the powder keg that he has created.

Because of his curiosity and meddling with time, he has created this timeline where hope is fleeting and the Metaverse, as he calls it, is fighting back with Superman caught in the middle. Because of him, the Superman Theory has caused a palpable amount of distrust between the various nations and his causing Firestorm to explode only made those tensions worse. In an effort to understand his final visions of the future, he staged everything in an effort to get in front of Superman.

He has a monologue in his mind where he states that he is caught in a question of two answers, the answers he gave Superman earlier. Superman fights back against both sides as they fight each other. Meanwhile in Gotham City, Reggie Long, the new (former) Rorschach, is saved from an attack by a red hat wearing man by Alfred. Alfred tries to get him to don the mask of the man who killed his father again and Reggie violently pushes Alfred against a wall and decries his former hero and says that he sees no future, no hope, much like Doctor Manhattan.

Gary Frank makes excellent use of the nine-panel grid to show the emotion on Reggie’s face and how much all of this is affecting him. Interspersed between these panels are shots of Superman fighting before we get an AMAZING double page spread showing the block wide battle between the forces of Russia-Markovia and Khandaq. Vostok-X is thrown into a building, Black Adam fires lightning at Tara Markov, Giganta fights another giant hero, even the Batman and Superman of China make appearances as a past panel noted that heroes from around the world have gone to help Superman or oppose him in Washington.

In the middle of Reggie’s breakdown, Batman shows up and offers him encouragement, apologizing for not believing him earlier in the story. He tells Reggie that even if he hates what the mask stood for, he can give it his own meaning, become his own Rosrschach. This is when the theme of hope begins to build up more as in the middle of the big brawl, Superman does everything he can to save people. As a car is about to crush a family, Superman steps in to save them, he then pleads with Doctor Manhattan to do the same.

Up until this point, Doctor Manhattan had been operating on the idea that there were only two possible options to end his fight with Superman, he even reveals that he’s the one who erased Superman’s friends, mentors and killed his parents. Frank and Anderson then draw four amazing panels. Superman cocking his fist back, eyes full of rage, Doctor Manhattan closing in as to accept his fate, Superman lunging forward with the fist outstretched to the reader and concluding with one punch to an attacking Pozhar, saving Manhattan.

Manhattan is almost left dumbfounded and asks why he’s done this. Why did he save him? Superman replies that there’s a third choice to be made. Superman takes note of the pictures of Janey that Manhattan leaves around when he appears and questions that maybe the darkness that he sees is a result of him using his powers to save the universe like he wishes he could have saved himself and his world.

Doctor Manhattan raises his hands and says that he understands, releasing a surge of energy that makes everything fade away. One of the most powerful shots of this entire book are of Superman’s logo slowly dissipating and then thirteen panels of darkness before we see the Rebirth of everything and Clark’s place in the Metaverse. The fight goes on, but as Superman begins to fall, he receives help in the form of...Everyone. The New Legion of Superheroes and the Justice Society of America bring up the rear in quite possibly one of the most beautiful double page spreads in the book.

It’s easy to understand what Hope is to Geoff Johns. He’s a classic man. He sees hope in the DC Universe as the old heroes. The ones who aspired to do good and be good for reasons above themselves. The JSA inspired Superman to become a force for good and in turn, Superman inspired the future Legion. There’s a reason he wanted this series to reintroduce them in the wake of the darker, grittier New 52 and reinforce that darkness isn’t the only way to find the light. At the same time, Johns uses this book as an opportunity to explain the structure of the Metaverse, Superman’s place in it and inform future stories, crises and timelines for the DC Universe.

*SPOILERS MOSTLY OVER*

When Superman lifted that car in 1938 it was just the beginning, but when Barry Allen created the Speed Force, the universe had its first divide and Superman’s timeline shifted up. This split created Earth-2 where Golden Age Superman still resides. The first Crisis divided the Earth again, creating Earth-1985 and at the center of that is still Superman. After Flashpoint and subsequently Rebirth, Earth-52 was spawned.

Superman is the glue that holds everything together.

Superman is the quintessential hero that everything revolves around and he will always show humanity the way. He’ll appear on many Earths at many different points in many different timelines to inspire hope where none can be found. That’s why I love this story so much. Even though Superman and Manhattan didn’t appear in it very much in the first half, their presence was still felt throughout. There was always this air of hope versus despair and we see who won out. The Watchmen Universe served as the perfect deconstruction of superheroes, but what we’re witnessing with Doomsday Clock is the reconstruction.

It’s the returning of the ideal that’s been lost to so many following endless gritty reboots, terrible political conflict in the modern day and lack of truth, justice and the American - no, Human way. In an age where people don’t know how to write a Superman movie, Doomsday Clock should be the example. Against all odds, Superman managed to inspire a being that has shunted away their humanity for the black and whites of logic instead of focusing on all possible options based on hope.

Doomsday Clock may not exactly stand on the same pedestal as the story that inspired it, but it absolutely should stand high. Gary Frank is an amazing artist that gave this book the weight, scope and respect that it deserved throughout. Amazing faces, body language, scene framing, use of visual motifs such as the Carnival picture puts this story above and beyond in terms of art quality. The way he managed to cram so many heroes on only two pages with insane amounts of detail for each is a testament to his ability and similarity to Watchmen artist Dave Gibbons.

Brad Anderson’s colors gave each individual issue their own unique feel with this one making good use of Doctor Manhattan’s blue light in the form of being a new symbol of hope in the face of the dark inks and oranges of the destruction taking place. Even when the mass of characters appear, no one gets lost in the pages because their colors are so distinct and recognizable amongst each other.

This story also couldn’t have been told without Rob Leigh’s amazing lettering. The way that we can distinguish between Manhattan’s dialogue, feel the weight of every character’s words and the bubble placement shows a level of skill that allows us to enjoy the flow of dialogue without losing any of the art.

It’s been a long journey to finally get here, but it has been worth the wait. Even if the current state of the DC Universe has either gone past this story or if it’ll need to be retconned to have been before the current events of Year of the Villain, there’s still a place for it in the overall landscape. I loved all of this and this is the kind of story that makes me glad to be a comic book fan. There’s nuance to everything, a good few messages and amazing art. Better yet, it ensures Geoff Johns future legacy will be one of hope and inspiration thanks to the time that he loved so much and hopes to get back to.

I welcome the return of the Legion of Superheroes even as I’m not the biggest fan of Brian Michael Bendis. Even more so for the Justice Society of America whenever they get a new series announced. It’s great to see the classics again and I’m interested as to how they’ll do in this new modern age.

As for Doctor Manhattan and the rest of the Watchmen characters, without a doubt I think we’ll be seeing some of them again at different points. They didn’t overstay their welcome or absolutely destroy everything like I thought they might, but we know that they’re around and we know there’s still stories to be told despite Alan Moore’s own feelings on such things.

This isn't the perfect sequel to Watchmen, how could it be? But it is an amazing Watchmen adjacent book that builds off of the themes of that story and injects the DCUs vision of hope and justice into these characters. For that, I am glad to have read it.

Doomsday has been avoided and we have several hours before midnight, at least for now.

#doomsday clock #doctor manhattan #superman #justice society of america #legion of super heroes #geoff johns #gary frank #brad anderson #rob leigh #dc comics #comics #comic review

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daybreak-academy-fanfic · 4 years

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Daybreak Academy: Chapter 34

Good Grief, Girl!

Summary: In which Skuld and April sit through callbacks. Word Count: 1,503 First | Previous | Next ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆

Already two days in, and this play was a total disaster. Skuld had been the only volunteered director to show up- she immediately set out to work despite this. No use whining about a bunch of people who couldn't keep a commitment.

To make things worse, the callbacks were possibly the worst planned part of the play. Most of the time, the actors were chosen before the play was even written. This then lead to either a shortage of actors or actors that were less than qualified to act their roles. Not this year. Not with Skuld making sure that the writers of the play started work right after the formal.

The initial scripts had looked pretty good- Skuld was able to get the main characteristics of each role for use during the callbacks. She just hoped that it wouldn't change too much in the writers' second revision. In fact, she even told the script writers that they were not allowed to add any characters, or change their basic descriptions and personalities at all. It would nip that actor shortage problem right in the bud. If you couldn't make a reasonable play with a set list of characters, were you even a good writer?

Skuld shifted through the consistently growing dossier she had complied of notes and reminders for the play. Trying to figure out the script was only the first part. Today the callbacks were being held in the main section of the auditorium. This wasn't the best second step, but it would do.

As Skuld entered the auditorium, Mrs. Tremaine was already setting up a spot to sit at. The musical director noticed Skuld before the girl could notice the teacher.

“Is it just you?” Ms. Tremaine curiously asked. It wasn't unusual for only one director to show up for callbacks, so Skuld found the question as a rhetoric. Regardless, she wasn't going to be rude to a teacher, so the girl gave Ms. Tremaine a nod.

“There's a lot to do this year.” Skuld grumbled as she took a seat. This answer seemed to assure the musical director as she nodded back.

“Every year feels like that.” the older teacher agreed as she sat next to Skuld. In curiosity, Ms. Tremaine caught a glimpse of Skuld's dossier. A smirk crossed her face as she looked back at Skuld. “I assume you've got an impressive game plan?”

Skuld gave the teacher a nod as she pulled out a small envelope filled with note cards. “I have character notes.” she absently announced, handing the stack to Ms. Tremaine. The older teacher raised an eyebrow before taking the note cards. Her face soon twisted into an expression boarding both amusement and surprise.

“Good grief, girl,” she remarked- her voice sounding just as conflicted. “They're color coordinated!”

“And alphabetized.”

Ms. Tremaine then shot Skuld an unreadable look. Based off the character notes, all of them had been written in Skuld's handwriting. Another glance over the dossier also gave snippets of Skuld's own writing without any indication of another. Being the teacher she was, Ms. Tremaine was immediately suspicious. Sure, it wasn't unusual for Skuld to take a project by its horns- she wouldn't have been the first or last student to do so, but wasn't she getting help? Ms. Tremaine had looked up at the sign up sheets herself. There was no way that Skuld was the only director…

“Are we ready to start?” Skuld asked, snapping Ms. Tremaine out of her thoughts. Ah well, she was sure Skuld would say something if anything was wrong.

“You bet.” Ms. Tremaine agreed, bending down to pick up her megaphone. “First up is Hazel Hearn, trying out for a secondary female role.” Then, without warning, Ms. Tremaine belted into the megaphone, “Hazel, you're up first!”

Out from the wings came a girl with bright red hair and a mousy face. Skuld took out her note cards on secondary roles as she looked from them and to the girl. As Hazel began the rehearsed one minute speech, Skuld made notes on her performance- anything ranging from voice inflections to how much confidence they gave while up on stage.

The rest of the callbacks followed in a similar manner. Ms. Tremaine would announce the student, what role they intended to fill, and Skuld would watch them while reviewing her notes. It made her job a lot easier when the students actually knew what role they wanted. When they were finished, Skuld and Ms. Tremaine discussed the student's performance and whether they were suited for that particular role. Ms. Tremaine gave Skuld freedom on which students to keep. Some of them were going to incredibly bitter that Skuld had given them a background role instead of a lead.

A whole hour of this cycle wearily droned on. Skuld all but yawned as she questioned, “Is that all?”

“Nope. Just two more left.” Ms. Tremaine encouraged. “First up is someone I'm sure you're familiar with: Ephemer Ryce. Auditioning for (and I quote) 'any role you deem necessary'.”

Skuld gave a small snort. “Sounds like he wants to be cast as the waterboy.” she mumbled to herself.

Ms. Tremaine also afforded a laugh as she brought her megaphone back to her lips.

“Alright Ephemer,” she called out. “Get your chronically late bum out here and impress your best friend!”

“Now how is that fair?” the boy teasingly whined as he came out from the wings. “I'm only late once a month.”

“Watch yourself buddy.” Ms. Tremaine smirked. “You're treading on thin ice with that line.”

The boy gave the teacher a wide, innocent smile before turning his attention to his friend. His face immediately fell.

“Are you alright, Skuld? You look...”

“Nothing I can't handle.” she quickly dismissed. “Just start reciting the speech.”

But he hesitated for a moment before finally giving in. Ephemer took his time with the speech- his voice clear and his voice perfectly reflecting his emotion. When he finished, he looked back at Skuld expectantly- as if he was waiting for her to reveal that she needed help, and not because he wanted a good role.

“Thank you Ephemer.” Skuld coldly told him. “You can leave the stage now.”

Ephemer still hesitated, but eventually did what he was told. With him gone, Ms. Tremaine looked over at Skuld.

“So, what did you think?” she asked, having full faith in Skuld's choices now. “Think he should come back?”

Skuld tapped her pencil against her lower lip in thought. “He spoke clearly enough.” she mused out loud. “His emotional range was pretty decent as well. He also fits the basic physical description for the male lead- spare the hair, but that can easily be fixed.”

“So we'll pen him down for first choice on the male lead. Sound fair?”

“Yes, do that.” Skuld absently replied as she wrote down notes for the costume department. “Who's next?”

“Anora Ravishta.” Ms. Tremaine replied- hearing the name made Skuld look up at her. “Like Ephemer, Anora doesn't have a role in mind.”

Skuld's jaw slacked as Ms. Tremaine called Anora onto the stage. The older girl stared at the other when she recited the speech. A part of Skuld relaxed when it became easy to see that Anora lacked confidence on stage; it made much more sense now. Could there had been a small pang of jealousy? Maybe. But it was incredibly short lived and was easily replaced with sympathy.

When Anora finished, she didn't hesitate to give a formidable bow to Skuld and Ms. Tremaine before quickly dashing off stage.

“She's so cute.” Ms. Tremaine cooed not a moment after. “She'd make a great secondary character. What do you think?”

But Skuld shook her head. “Understudy.” she determined. “She doesn't have any confidence in herself. It affected her delivery, her posture, and her overall presence on stage. But if she would go on as an understudy, learn the way theater works, she could gain that confidence. Not that I'm rooting for anyone to get sick so she could step up- but since it is her first year at this school, it would be great to get the experience in.” In the back of her mind, Skuld added, 'Especially since Ephemer is helping her.'

Ms. Tremaine studied Skuld for a moment- she could understand the logic of it. It did seem a bit unfair that a newer student (especially one placed in the later years) would be considered for anything but a background character or understudy. But there was something about Skuld's response that also seemed off. It wasn't something she could quite place…

“Is that the rest, then?” Skuld questioned, once more bringing Ms. Tremaine from her suspicious thoughts.

“Yep.” the teacher affirmed. “Good luck with the rest of the play. Make sure you save some work for the rest of your team, alright?”

To her surprise, Skuld gave a bitter snort as she gathered her things together. In a grumble, she told the teacher, “That won't be a problem.”

#daybreak academy #chapter 34 #kingdom hearts fanfiction #Skuld #April #Ephemer #Anora #Spring Play 2020 #Season 1

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dlamp-dictator · 4 years

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A Bittersweet Prequel (Akame ga Kill Zero)

Akame ga Kill! Zero is the prequel to Akame ga Kill!, a shounen manga based around a corrupt medieval empire and the group of revolutionary assassins attempting to take the kingdom down from the inside known as Night Raid. This specific spinoff manga focuses on the female lead Akame and her past as an assassin for the Empire. You get to see her interact with her old team, the Elite 7, her earlier missions and life as an Empire Assassin, and how she ended up getting her iconic Murasame blade before betraying the Empire. Overall, I liked this manga a lot, and unlike most things I like I have very few asterisks to put in front of that statement. This is an honest-to-God good manga from start to finish.

But I still have a few asterisks to lay out. Nothing that usually scares people away from things I like. This isn’t Senran Kagura, Rumble Rose, Wanna be the Strongest in the World, or... honestly, half the manga in my collection. No, just a few gripes and annoyances you might have when reading the manga I think knowing in advance would ease the pain a little.

Ultimately, this manga has three big issues for me.

Oh, and I’m using a “read more” for once to see how that goes.

Anyway, like I said, three main issues:

It’s a Seinen

This isn’t the criticism you might be thinking. My issue with this manga is that it’s pushing for a Seinen rating rather than the fact that it simply is one. The original Akame ga Kill was a darker shounen aimed at an older teenage crowd. It had its fair share of dark moments, gore, and violence, and while a lot of it felt like it was done for edge or shock value after about volume 9 or 10, it wasn’t going too far with it in terms of content, at least for my taste. This was a manga about killers, murderers, and assassins at the end of the day, so killings, murders, and assassinations happened. A lot.

But Zero… went further.

Let me put it this way, if I had to give the original Akame ga Kill manga a rating I’d say it’d be rated T, maybe even a 16+ as it had some rather gruesome depictions of blood, gore, general violence, and some light sexual themes. Zero has all of that plus a lot more T&A, and namely uncensored T&A.

Now I’m no prude, seeing anime titties isn’t exactly going to make me go up in arms about the manga. However, this has more to do with demographics and author intent. Like I said, the original Akame ga Kill had a lot of dark moments, but most sexual aspects of it was typical shounen wackiness. Sneaking into the girl’s bath, boob gags, the occasion girl in skimpy clothing, things like that. Zero has all that more, and in much darker showing. At least three characters nearly getting sexually assault, there are several sex scenes both implied and nearly shown, a lot of naked girls walking about at points, and general Seinen wackiness happening.

I wouldn’t say these are bad things, but... they make me raise my eyebrows somewhat. Again, the original had its dark moments, and losing your chastity unwilling was definitely one of them. Hell, one mission of Tatsumi’s was in a brothel. However… that was originally a manga aimed at an older teenage crowd, around 15-18 if I had to take a guess, and the prequel, which was ran alongside the original for a time, was a Seinen aimed at a young adult crowd of 18-20+. This is a somewhat concerning jump in ratings and target audience. I understand the original demographic that’d be curious would have aged to this point, but... it feels like more of a forced decision to add it rather than trying to keep up with the demographic of longtime fans. Again, nothing bad, but curious.

I’ll also add that there’s a different artist tackling this spinoff, a Kei Toru instead of the original’s Tetsuya Tashiro, so this might be a matter of artist preference than the writer’s intent. Still, you take out all the T&A and you’d get a decent manga all the same, so I can’t help but feel the Seinen elements were tacked on to fanservice rather than to show darker elements. It’s not Tsugumomo levels of forced Seinen elements, thank Christ, but it feels tacked on regardless.

But anyway, the second major issue.

The Shingu

The Shingu are basically Teigu that exist to give Akame and the Elite 7 cool weapons without completely retconning the world-building of the original Akame ga Kill. Lore-wise the Shingu are basically knockoff Teigu, an attempt to recreate the great weapons of old but were ultimately inferior compared to the the genuine products. They were still handy and powerful all the same, and are used by trusted and capable fighters within the Empire all the same. However, their existence showed the flaws in trying to do specific world-building, at least if you’re familiar with writing.

To go a little off-topic for a bit, something I often say on my RP blog and when discussing general writing is to never get too specific with your world-building. The more you add, the more you have to adhere to as you write, lest you’re called out on it when retcons happen. And when Akame ga Kill already stated only 48 Teigu exist, but only half of them are even around it destroys any potential to have addition cool weapons in a sequel or prequel without some maneuvering around the lore. It can be done, but it does more to hamstring you in the end, and savvier audience members will notice it.

The Shingu do this to a certain degree. They don’t break the world-building, as the backstory of the Teigu are still intact, but for a savvier reader its pretty clear the Shingu were... unintended. By the logic of Zero, there should be several soldiers, officers, and generals with the weaker,but more numerous Shingu to compensate for the lack of Teigu and still having an edge in battle during the coming revolution. The Shingu honestly are just slightly weaker than a Teigu according to the lore, so it’s no big comparison really unless we’re talking Esdeath-levels of powerful. To shoehorn them in just to give Akame and her friends interesting weapons just... feels annoying to me.

But again, that’s ultimately a small nitpick. They don’t break anything, just lead to a lot of unintended consequences if you think on it too hard like I do.

But onto my last big issue, and it’s not really an issue, but an inevitability that caused the first too issues, which is...

This is a Prequel

I don’t know if there’s an actual term for this, so I’m going to call this the Fate/Zero Effect, in which the prequel of a series is far more superior to the original in terms of writing and is only neutered by the on-rails conclusion that leads to the beginning of the original series. I only call this an issue because there’s so much I like about this manga that the original kind of... feels weaker by comparison. But to talk about how that is I’ll have to talk about all the good things about this manga first. To start with:

Akame’s Characterization was Great

Akame was a very believable character in this series, someone working for her father-figure teacher as an assassin that honestly believes she’s improving her messed up country from within instead of advancing the agendas of the wealthy and powerful. However, she’s sharp enough to realize that people aren’t getting better no matter how many revolutionaries her team kills. She questions it, and her father’s dodgy, almost threatening nature about her doubts only pushes her further to leaving. Her slowly questioning the horrors and cruelty of the world and being the only one in her team to really question her father’s goal is a nice touch.

Another nice touch is that you really do buy that she’s the weakest of the Elite 7. She’s strong, of course, but compared to the rest of her team she’s lacking in some department. She doesn’t have the commanding presence of Najasho, the strategic mind of Green, the absurd strength of Guy, the Levelheadedness and charisma of Cornelia, the instincts and quick-thinking of Pony, or the loyalty and cleverness of Tsukushi. She’s just… Akame, the assassin that’s a decent swordsman and likes meat.

I’ll admit the only thing that felt forced was Merraid pushing her further to see the Empire’s cruelty while captured by her, as Akame was already questioning it to begin with, but that’s just a minor nitpick. All in all, I did enjoy seeing this form of Akame, especially seeing her relationship with Kurome while it was still on good terms. Seeing the sisters actually bond and care for each other really helped show how much Akame cares for her, and how she thought killing her was the best choice in the end if Kurome was too stubborn or brainwashed to leave the Empire. And that’s just the main character, I have to give my respects to the side cast as well. That being said...

The Side Cast

The Elite Seven was a nice addition. They’re about as kooky as Night Raid but keeping them all around the same age was probably for the best. Not to say Night Raid was bad, but having everyone being teenagers following one main adult boss just creates better cohesion. Night Raid was mostly teens too, but the Elite 7 just feel a lot more like friends. I can’t really describe it. Maybe because they were already a unit by the time the series started, maybe because the writer got a lot better at writing banter, I really couldn’t say. They’re all likeable in their own way, and all great fighters when the chips are down. Next to Akame, Pony was my favorite of the group. Both design and personality wise they’re all unique. The writer has a good track record of writing good banter and synergy with a ragtag group. Between Night Raid, the Jaegers, the Elite Seven, and even Hinowa’s regiment in Hinowa ga Crush, they’re very good at making likable characters… right before killing them off.

And that’s the issue with this being a prequel, we know most of the Elite Seven were slated to die. With the two exceptions of Pony and Najasho, which was an honest surprise for me, I think it was fair to say most everyone in the cast were slated for the chopping block due to the nature of the prequel to Akame ga Kill. They can only be characterized so much before the inevitable happens. Fate/Zero had this effect too, as we knew Kotomine and Kiritsugu would at least survive the war, but everyone else was... well, fodder, no matter how charismatic they were. I know this is done to create tension and a bit of bittersweet longing for the what-if, but... I don’t know, I can’t help but be a little annoyed by it.

There’s on more thing I want to talk about before ending this essay, so I’ll talk about...

Art and Story

Now, Fate/Zero had a new writer do its story and a new studio do the animation, but in Akame ga Kill Zero’s case we’ve got the same writer and a different artist. As far as the writing goes it’s a lot better in Zero. It’s still got a tinge of silliness mixed in with the serious, but it’s a lot better paced in more delivery and frequency. Merraid being a useless lesbian at times didn’t completely take over her character or detract from it. The general silly moments with the Elite Seven were almost always during a slow period that could afford a gag here or there to punch out the slow pace. Everything felt a lot more cohesive… which makes the chronological series feel a little weak by comparison. Again, much like Fate/Zero, going back and comparing the original Fate/Stay Night anime to the more mature Fate/Zero really feels like night and day in terms of the writing. I’m actually rewatching the original Stay Night this month and next and while I’ll give a full piece on my opinion next month I’ll at least say while it holds up surprisingly well for a mid-2000s anime, it definitely is dated in a lot of ways.

In the same way, the original Akame ga Kill feels a bit dated as well, a lot the jokes feel more distracting than funny, a lot of the characters feel a little less realized and the plot itself feels a lot more rushed, especially at the climax. The powerscaling is also an issue, but that’s a whole other Rambling. Zero on the other, being a prequel, can only go so far in terms of plot escalation and powerscaling. With a permanent lock on those two things you can afford to tell a much smaller scale story without the worry of having to increase the action to a large degree because you, by design, can’t extend the powerscaling past around the beginning of the first story. Granted there are exceptions. To go back to Fate, Stay Night was a war fought by a majority of high school students and people not too attune to magic with only 3-ish people of actual competence out of the case of 10+, but Akame ga Kill Zero, realistically, can’t do anything bigger than using Muramase in a flashy way, making a lot of the fights more tactical. My favorite part of this series was that Akame had Kiriichimonji, a Shingu whose wounds would never heal. This made Akame’s fights a lot more tactically, strategically wounding enemies to whittle them down or give Akame an opening in the future rather than just a pure one-cut kill.

Art-wise… I’m not much for art critique, but I did prefer the original artist to the one for Akame ga Kill Zero. I couldn’t explain why, but something about the lines just feels… too light. Not bad, but I myself have a preference for dark, thick, and even sketchy lines, and something about this new artist feels a little too clean at times for something as potential dark as Akame ga Kill. Again, not bad, but not my preference either. I do like a lot of the designs like Poney and Merraid, but that’s really it.

Conclusion

Overall, my nitpicks aside, I enjoyed reading this manga a lot. I think I’ll pick it up again next time in the mood for a decent action manga. I’m slowly catching up to Hinowa ga Crush and I’ve got mostly positive feelings about it, so I know the writer still has some gas in the tank in terms of their writer juices and I can’t wait to see more of the world he’s creating.

#your dictator is speaking #akame ga kill

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uhlexsuhmuhchel-blog · 5 years

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Abortion and the Ban in Ireland

My topic is abortion and the banning of it and I am doing an analysis because I’m passionate about women’s sexual health, rights and the process of which laws get put into place and are formed. In this analysis, I am going to explain the use of pathos, ethos and logos and The NY Times’ use of these rhetorical devices in this article.

When it comes to the Climate of Fear: When Part of a Country Bans Abortion, one of the main points of the article is that Belfast and Northern Ireland have banned abortions, similar to the laws being set up in Louisiana. Another important main point is that women are traveling outside of the country to have abortions for a variety of reasons because of the laws in place. These women are forced to carry the fetus full term, no matter the conception whether it be rape, incest or even if the fetus could not and would not survive outside of the womb. When it comes to getting caught trying to have an abortion, even if you are pregnant because of one of the previous reasons, women can face life in prison as there doesn’t seem to be an addendum to the law that states otherwise.

The purpose of this article is to inform people of the problems that are occurring in different countries with abortion bans and how this may affect those that are in a place where abortion bans are being put into effect around the country and in other countries. I believe the intended audience are those potentially affected by the abortion ban as well as those who may be in a position to help anyone affected. This also may just be an article that sheds light on the subject as a whole as well and can explain what the women are doing in response to this ban, bringing attention to the illegal abortions as well. Overall that feels like the main purpose of the story.

Ethos is the use of credibility or trust to influence the reader and allows the source to give the reader confidence in the source they are reading and gives the reader faith in the journal as a whole and leaves little room for a reader to feel they need to question the information or the source. One piece of information in the article that could be pushed when it comes to ethos is the statement that says “activists worry that even if abortion is decriminalized, the anti-abortion movement will become more aggressive” which doesn’t expand on that statement and doesn’t give any back up for the statement, giving me the idea that the New York Times generalized the statement and spoke for a vast amount of women whether this was the truth or not because readers would trust the statement.

Another statement that could rely on the use of ethos when it comes to the credibility that the New York Times has is the statement “Several women have been prosecuted after police officers have raided their homes or workplaces” which doesn’t give any support for this information. The lack of back up information causes me to question its validity and the source.

The next thing I want to analyze for this paper is logos which is the use of logic, reasoning or proof, one of the examples being the same as one of the last ones I used, being the statement that claims that many upwards of 10 women have been arrested for seeking out a medically-induced abortion. This specific statement makes a large claim but doesn’t back it up with any form of arrest records, or names, maybe even if for confidentiality reasons, this statement should be backed up. There is no proof of these women being arrested for seeking out an abortion or for any reason and doesn’t give the reader any option to do their own research either.

The next statement I want to include when it comes to analyzing logos is a statement that does include the use of reasoning is the statement that discusses the other choices for women who are looking to have an abortion, stating that there are fully funded abortion services in England, though not all women can make the trip, citing reasons such as disability, domestic abuse or a lack of childcare. This statement presents the solution to the problem these women face then immediately answers the question of “why is this not valid for everyone?”

I want to analyze the use of pathos now which is the use of emotion and I have two statements in mind as I do so. The first one being the mention of the abuse women face and one woman in particular because she explained her want for an abortion to a counselor while her husband was present. She believed that this would be safe but once they got home, he beat her with a metal spatula and threatened worse but didn’t follow through as she was pregnant. This is an intense statement and a point of tension for a lot of people, men or women when explaining that someone has been subjected to this type of treatment. I believe that the New York Times uses this to tug at the readers’ heartstrings and to gain sympathy from the readers, even those who don’t agree with abortion.

Another statement I want to analyze is the statement that includes the fact that women are banned from having abortions, even when it comes to death, rape or even incest. I believe that this statement alone shows that no matter the reasoning, there is a reason to be upset about the fact that a woman can not freely choose to abort no matter the reason, but even those in the most intense and dangerous of situations are stuck with carrying a baby to full term and only then can they take the situation into their own hands by choosing to put the child up for adoption or have to attempt to abort illegally.

Overall, this piece used ethos, pathos and, logos to intrigue the reader as well as keep their attention on the main point of the article. I believe that overall this is a well written, informative piece by the New York Times, meant to bring attention to those who are unaware of the current struggles women in other countries, and soon our own country will be facing.

MWA 1 Reflection

Some general concepts I learned during this sequence was how to write sentences effectively and in a way that makes them less bulky as well as getting to the point more effectively. I also learned how to analyze how sources use pathos, ethos, and logos to influence their readers as well as how to use pathos, ethos, and logos to make an effective argument.

When it comes to the student learning objectives for this sequence we are meant to learn how to compose effective arguments with different sources of information and we’re meant to use writing o explain our personal beliefs, making effective arguments as we do so. It also taught us to provide relevant and important information only, getting rid of any unnecessary fluff that may not be helpful to the points we want to make as writers.

When it comes to learning how to analyze arguments, I have learned how to see what rhetorical devices the author is using to either break down their argument or strengthen it effectively and I learned that there are certain aspects you need to have in an effective argument, such as effective and correct sources, correct information and a professional and unbiased tone. The use of images, audio and text can help strengthen an argument as long as they are valid and vital to the argument. They can hinder the argument if they don’t correlate well to the information trying to be pushed and spoken about. For example, if talking about climate change, adding graphs of the amount of CO2 being put in the atmosphere could help you make the claim that CO2 is hindering the health of the planet but if you added a comic style photo of a “sick planet” it may be relevant but not all that professional and can hinder the argument.

My opinion on the argument that I made is still the same, SWA 2 and MWA 1 didn’t change my viewpoint but did make me feel as though I can talk about it more effectively and in a way that seems more educated than it would have been before these writing assignments. I still believe that women's sexual and reproductive health should not be hindered by the government and that no matter the situation, it should be a woman’s choice to make, not politicians. I did learn more about the topic than I did know though I was already well versed when it comes to the topic overall.

Publishing my work publically didn’t change my perspective on my perspective because my feelings about the topic are ones I have discussed publicly and this is a view that I would keep myself from discussing as it can affect many people in ways that can be life-threatening and fatal. I know that not everyone is going to agree with my views and they are free to do so, which is just a part of having opinions and if someone disagrees with me after seeing the piece, I wouldn’t take offense to it. The only aspect that changed was that I did want what I said to be accurate when it comes to my writing and feelings as I wanted to give my opinion and thoughts in a well thought out way as well as an effective way.

The technology didn’t change how I formatted this writing because I have previously used media to publish my writing, even if it isn’t something I’m comfortable with it is something I’m used to.

I can apply using what I’ve learned in this sequence when I go on into the work field and need to form unbiased and professional opinions as well as professional and clear arguments in my career field. I also know that I can observe the ethos, pathos, and logos in many arguments as well as different pieces of writing now that I have learned how to do so and I can use those to form informed opinions based on what I am viewing whether it be the news, social media or even writing. I can use it to make sure that I am informed and know how the author of a certain piece is trying to inform the audience or even to tell if they may be trying to manipulate an audience in a certain way.

Yeginsu, Ceylan. “Climate of Fear: When Part of a Country Bans Abortion.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 10 Aug. 2019, www.nytimes.com/2019/08/10/world/europe/abortion-northern-ireland-roe.html?searchResultPosition=11.

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greengargouille · 5 years

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((Until the end I hesitated on which fic to publish for Mimura’s birthday, and well, that certainly didn’t help being on time. On the other hand, it does raise probabilities for Valentine’s Day.

I did mention once I wanted to write about how group 2 interacts within the KoroQuest verse, but now I’m noticing that I ended up not using a lot of ideas I had as far as bug headcanons, so I guess I will need another one-shot))

Rating: General audiences Characters: Group 2, Mimura’s pov. Mentions of other students from Class E. Relationship: None

From the simple, basic monster nest in a cave to the maze-like caste full of traps, dungeons came in all shapes and sizes, and young students aspiring to be heroes would, during their education, be confronted to various structures.

Still, despite no dungeon being quite like the other (except the northern caves that all looked the same), the one Group 2 was exploring that day was quite unusual for them. It could be summarized, as Chiba had called it as one point, as an “architectural mess”.

Apparently, some decades ago, an alchemist had installed his research tower on top of a abandoned mine, and with the apprentices and family members over the years, multiple additions were made to the building, without consideration for what had already been constructed. Rooms without doors to their own floors that could only be acceded by ascending and descending two different floors, windows opening on another walls and doors opening on emptiness ; and, like any den from a rich alchemist a bit too paranoid about their work, the path to the research rooms was filled traps only the master the of place could deactivate.

This obviously turned out to be a mistake when it turned out the mines used as a base were filled with monsters. When the Big Bad then in place had been defeated, those creatures went dormant, but after ten years and a new monster king, they finally woke up and invaded the building, which became a dungeon ever since. What at its peak might have been a mismatch of different ambiance and decoration styles was slowly eaten by decay and dust and turned into an eerie place.

Though the different floors have been fascinating each in their own way to the group (though extremely frustrating in their attempts to draw a map as part of their exploration homework), nothing was quite as jarring as what they were currently seeing. Giant stairs of black stone, cut meticulously despite their size, illuminated by lamps of colored glass still working after all those years; on one side, not so much a wall than a reminder they were currently descending toward the underground floors, earth and mineral as far as the eye could see, not even properly cut; on the other, no guardrail, nothing to stop what would be a fatal fall. This would probably be scarier if a lone step of the stairs wasn’t large enough for the seven of them to sit at ease without touching, but it did make one wonder what have been the directives during the construction.

The lack of obstacle did make it easier for them to observe the lower floor from a distance, though.

“That’s,” Hayami commented, “a lot of monsters.”

An obvious assessment, but by now the group was used to voice those for the sake of Chiba ; it was best to let the boy rest his eyes when his bug was not needed.

“If we go downstairs, we should probably expect at least multiple battles in a row,” estimated Nakamura. “We’re already low on healing items, that will be tedious.” “Most of them are earth-aligned, through.” Fuwa looked at the monsters through binoculars, trying to deduce their skills from their appearance. “Most of them will be too slow to attack us every turn, and we already have the equipment against elemental spells. It’s doable. -Hmm. What do you say about that, leader?” Nakamura grinned as she said the last word towards Mimura.

Light teasing, he knew, yet he couldn’t help but feel bothered.

It had started weeks ago, when observing the class representatives doing a report after the whole 3-E had finished exploring a dungeon. ‘It would be nice if we had a leader in our group’, Mimura had said without thinking. He didn’t have an exact definition of what he even meant with ‘leader’. Someone to take care of the documents each group had to fill for the main building, sure, someone to direct them into battle, but there was something more to it, a concept he couldn’t really put into words, nor had he expected to.

But this mere sentence had sparked a discussion among the group. What did it meant, exactly, to be a leader, and would they really be better off with one? Group 3 had Terasaka at its head, and he left all strategy and paperwork to Hazama and Takebayashi, respectively. As for Group 4... The closest thing to a leader they had would probably be Karma, though Mimura would be hard-pressed to explain why his choice would be him out of the six. Was it a question of strength? Of attitude? Charisma? Being able to intimidate people into obeying? Was there some inherent quality to leadership that eluded him? Nobody was really sure, though they could at least say the leader’s job was something to do with ‘giving orders’ and ‘uniting everyone’.

Nakamura had joked she wouldn’t mind having her ‘own group of slaves’ to do her work, before adding quickly it would probably be really tiring and would rather leave the responsibility to someone else. Chiba and Hayami both had seemed unwilling to push all the work on only one person, and though they hadn’t voiced it, unwilling even more for that person to be one of them. (Sugaya had whispered to Mimura it would indeed be a bad idea, given their prior experience to working in groups the precedent years, though he hadn’t told him any detail on this). Okajima might have been enthusiastic at the idea of being a leader, but he barely spoke three words before the girls glared at him, hands on their weapons. This was the moment Fuwa had chosen to blurt out a ‘You know, Mimura was 4th in the Leadership ranking of Volume 16’. He didn’t remember participating in any such ranking, but Fuwa’s most cryptic sentences weren’t to be taken literally most of the time, something to do with a 4th wall and spin-off that only her understood. It was best to leave the details to her and listen to her advice, as she was often spot on.

Which is how, over the weeks, Mimura somehow felt into the position of ‘leader’ for Group 2.

“Let’s go back and try it later.” He finally said after pondering. “For now, we need to find an healing fountain and level up some more.”

The truth was, being a leader changed absolutely nothing, and pretty much everything.

Mimura didn’t make plans for battle ahead, instead deferring this responsibility to Nakamura and Fuwa, who were much better strategists. He already tried to stop fights within the group even before being at its head, used to be the middleman in such situations -and, he had to admit, because if the girls reduced Okajima’s HP any lower after another skirt lifting incident, Mimura would be the only one left on the frontline in fights, which he would much prefer avoid if possible. And maybe, maybe, he felt the others tended to leave the final decision to him, now, but that might just be a bias of observation from his part. He noticed it because he expected it now, but it might not be any different from how it was before, and there must be important decisions in which he had no say that he didn’t notice because nobody asked him about it. Nothing that Mimura did had changed.

And yet, in his mind, it did change. The pressure. It was probably all a joke they all took only half-seriously except for him (and maybe Hayami and Chiba, it was hard to tell with how professional those two acted sometimes), but he couldn’t help but think they were all his responsibility. He had to make sure they were safe, and he avoided uncertain battles he would have previously attempted, or asked of his classmates to take an healing item when he might have felt before it could wait after one more fight or two. And he was getting worried, too, about how they leveled up slower than the other groups, and it took all their efforts for the gap not to grow any more than this. He had always been wary of his own skills ; he was average in most stats, not that suited for swordsmanship and only filling the role because most of the team was made of mages. But it had ceased to be about him as an individual, and had started to be about all of them, what they would all bring to the class against their teacher and the main building. His role was the same but his priorities clearly had switched.

“Ah, now that I think about it. There was that closed hall we met on the way, right? Okajima, you said we might find an emergency switch at proximity, what about the range? Do you think it could be down there? -That might actually be likely. Those kinds of doors are supposed to be opened and closed only from the inside, so the switch can’t be in a convenient place or people would be tempted to use it.”

While overall architecture was Chiba’s speciality, Okajima had an interest in traps and locks. It started from the idea of a giant trap for Korosensei, with dirty magazines as a bait, but recently he also used his knowledge in more varied ways -which might or might have to do with how the girls had started to lock the door behind them whenever they changed into PE clothes- and Mimura had started to rely on him in dungeons.

“And for how the switch might look like? Do you have an idea? -It’s might be more like a lever, actually. If it was a switch a monster would have stepped on it after all this time, and the emergency system for those is pretty basic, you can open but not close. Most of the treasure this deep into the dungeon were still there, so I don’t think another group could have come and closed the doors once again recently. -Right, this seems logical. Then... Chiba, is there enough light for you to see if you can locate a lever down there? If it’s accessible, I would like you or Hayami to try shooting on it, we might be able to activate it from a distance. -It’s a bit dark, but that much isn’t a problem.” The archer replied while getting closer to the edge of the stairs, observing the area below for a moment before declaring: “Ah, there. Behind the Iron Tortoise. -Big enough to hit with an arrow? -Yeah, but I won’t be able to get a good angle from here if the goal is to move it in the opposite direction. Hayami, you might be able to do it, though, if you use the wall next to it, with your bug it would bounce back to the target, right?” Chiba asked, turning his head to the left. “That shouldn’t be a problem,” Hayami replied to his right, taking a moment for locating said lever with binoculars.

Her shooting range wasn’t so high originally that she could have hit such a target, bug or not, but since Chiba didn’t need to buff his bugged skill, any item raising that specific stat was given to her. Given the pair only switched their original weapons to bows recently, one could say they truly were talented.

...It might be a bit inappropriate, but Mimura was envious of them. He wished he could switch to something else, too, a job at the back of the group, without having to get so close to the monsters or shielding his comrades. Maybe guys like Terasaka and his gang could endure a lot of damage, but he didn’t have their HP nor their tolerance to pain. Hell, if he at least had their strength, he might feel a bit more confident going in front, but no, he didn’t have that, didn’t have Maehara’s reflexes sharpened by training against Okano, didn’t have Isogai or Kataoka’s skills in support magic, and he was far, far away from becoming a magic swordsman like Karma. And, needless to say, he wasn’t competent with a bow or firearms either.

...So much for going into heroics.

“Did it work? -Yes, I’m pretty sure I heard something moving.” Nakamura replied. “Well, if we’re not going downstairs anyways it’s no point wondering, let’s go back. -Urg, I’m not looking forward for the climb.” Fuwa sighed before starting her ascension.

Her feeling was shared among the group, but while they all complained about dungeon exploration at some point or another, they were all used to going in circles by now. Mimura was ready to follow, last of the group as he had been head of the line during their descent, but immediately stopped when seeing that one of their member had yet to move. Sugaya looked at him, like he wanted to add something, but was unsure whether this was the right moment.

“...Sorry, you guys,” Mimura asked toward the others, “could you climb without me and Sugaya? We will catch up to you in a moment. -Sure,” Hayami nodded, “we didn’t met any monster on the stairs yet, so it probably won’t be a problem if we divide the group. -Well, don’t take too long,” Nakamura added, “or I will tell Korosensei you two are skipping homework to play lovebirds together, I’m sure he would love the story.”

Mimura only replied with an unimpressed glance, which made her smile before turning her head back to the next step. Trying to refute her attempts at trolling would only make her insist on it.

“So, is everything alright?” He finally asked the mage once he was sure they could speak unbothered.

“Ah, yes, sorry, I’m fine, you didn’t need to tell everyone to leave, it’s just... Well, I guess I could get your opinion on this.” Sugaya opened the item bag hanging out on his side, filled with items. As he was usually the first to get out of MP, he would often be the one to grab potions or antidotal herbs for the others, so naturally he ended up being the one to carry them for everyone. “I asked Okuda if she could create magic ink for me to experiment with boost-giving tattoos, and I did came up with something, but the effect only last a few hours, so I was wondering if it’s best to leave it for before the dungeon boss or if I should draw it while we’re not in a rush. -Good question. When you say ‘a few hours’, did you time it? -Not really. In fact, I’m not sure if it isn’t affected by the number of fights we get into. -True, some items work like that. Well, it’s still impressive if it manages to last that long, though.”

Mimura said that honestly. The idea was great: he had heard already about the strength-boosting ‘Tough guy tattoo’, but this was an adhesive item, which he knew was different from the tattoos Sugaya liked to draw on his arms sometimes. An hour-long boost that didn’t take place in their inventory would be a major advantage, if they could time it properly. Making sure they wouldn’t use it completely before the boss’ room while not wasting it by only putting it on the last moment would take some practice. Maybe they should ask Sugino for tips, with his bug he should have some experience in trying to time his own magic.

“I would be tempted to use it right now, we’re kind of in a tight spot if we don’t find a place to heal. I would feel more secure if we get a bit of help into battles. What stats is it supposed to raise, anyways, it’s not Coolness is it?” It wouldn’t be very helpful for fighting, given the mage had yet to learn any Charm spell. “Are you implying my tattoos aren’t cool by default?” Sugaya pretended to be offended, but when he raised his eyes away from his bag a small ink bottle in hand, he had a smile on his face. “But nah, it gives a 10% bonus to strength. -Strength? That... doesn’t seems very useful for a mage? -What? No, it’s for you.”

Mimura blinked.

“Ah. Thank you? But, shouldn’t you have tried for something more helpful for you first? -Eh, I’m fine like that.” Sugaya shrugged, before correcting himself. “I mean, sure, I wouldn’t mind a boost, but that’s no big deal, and lately you’ve been so... unhappy with yourself? You’ve been complaining more about how you should get stronger or stuff like that. -Was I?” Mimura had enough self-awareness to know he could be quite vocal when he wasn’t satisfied with his situation, but to that extent? “Sorry, I didn’t know I was getting annoying. -That’s not- Look, I just wanted to do something nice for you, there’s no hidden motive or anything.”

Sugaya unbottled the ink in his hand while talking. A long, thin stalk was stuck to the cap, with hair on the other side. Mimura had not yet see the artist make tattoos with a brush, but he supposed it was more convenient to transport.

“Can I have your arm, please? -My- Oh, right. Wow, Can’t believe I’m getting a tattoo. What would my parents say if they knew. -If they don’t want you to get a tattoo then they should get you money to get more items. -Ha, I wish. It would be easier.”

Mimura expected a joking reply, a comment on how Sugaya’s own parents had restricted his pocket money when they figured out he was spending it all in art supplies instead of equipment, but the boy stayed silent as he painted strange arabesques on Mimura’s skin. The artist wasn’t usually against small talk when working, but maybe the task was demanding more focus than expected. Mimura went quiet. He didn’t want to disturb his friend, and it was interesting to see him work from such an angle.

“...You know, I like the way we do thing as it is.” Sugaya finally said. “Drawing boosts instead of getting them by items? -That too. But. You know. How the whole team acts.” As Mimura looked at him confused, Sugaya added. “Dismantling traps, using our bugs to progress instead of fighting. Maybe we’re getting behind the other groups, and we get into trouble because we don’t have an healer or a tank, but... we’re still finding a way to make it work, even if it’s not very conventional. I like it.” He stopped talking an instant as he finished drawing a rune. “And I like you being our leader, instead of someone like Isogai or Kataoka. I think you fit us better.”

Mimura wasn’t sure how to reply to that. He could understand it was a compliment, but he never have been that good on handling them. As for the group, it was hard to understand liking it. This messy team, where the girls always got in fights with their only proper swordsman, where they constantly had to go back on their tracks because the monsters were too powerful, where they had to count each gold piece they got because another potion could mean life or death for them...

“...Yeah, I think I like it too, leading this group.”

They might all be a team of barely organised brats, but as much as Mimura complained, they were all good friends, and if he was given the chance to change groups he didn’t think he would take it.

“Glad to hear that.” Sugaya sealed his ink bottle and put it away in his bag. “So, how does it feel? -Hmm, I do feel stronger.” A message appeared in Mimura’s mind, informing him of his stat raise. “Guess I only need to try it now. Come on, let’s join back the others, before Nakamura starts inventing another dramatic story. -As you wish, leader.” Sugaya grinned at him, before suddenly remembering something. “Ah, right, by the way, the effects only last a few hours, but the ink itself stay a whole week, so don’t use that as a reference point. -A whole- And you couldn’t have told me that before tattooing me?!”

Maybe Mimura was wrong, after all, he really should consider changing groups.

#assassination classroom #ansatsu kyoushitsu #assclass #mimura kouki #korosensei quest #koro quest #koroq #gargouille writes #Sorry if I left any glaring fault I will edit tomorrow #and put it on ao3 too

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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A lot of the discussions about AoX and the stuff said about the X-Tremists has altered my view of some elements of all that, I’m not gonna lie. The X-Tremists definitely isn’t what I initially thought it was, and in the context of all the X-Men being heavily brainwashed and operating based on a selectively altered sense of self and reality, even if I still don’t agree with it, I GET the intention behind picking gay and bi characters to be the cast of this particular book.

Like, I can understand how when focused on the end goal rather than the set up, there’s a satisfying payoff to it being gay and bi characters pissed at being shoved back into the closet who are the ones best positioned to figure out what’s really going on and fight back against it once they do. I can connect those dots, see how that story choice makes sense and has the sense of catharsis Williams talked about getting from writing it. From the angle of gay/bi characters fuck shit up because they’re not gonna take society or some higher authority determining who they can and can’t love, that fits.

In a lot of ways, its the compulsory sexuality story I’ve ranted for months about wanting to see in regards to Bobby’s situation and the fact that Jean’s actions are ultimately the reason he spent so long in the closet.

BUT. At the same time....that’s kinda the problem?

Because that story I talked about wanting to see with Bobby, it didn’t come from nowhere, I didn’t just go ‘oh hey what if.’ It came from just putting together the pieces that were already there. Everything needed to tell this particular story about being pissed at someone overriding your own sense of self and telling you who you needed to be for the sake of society, the timeline, whatever....it was already there. In the main universe. Already written. Every single element needed to tell that specific narrative was already in place.

Completely unacknowledged.

And I think that’s a big part of where my cynicism comes from, beyond just not trusting Marvel as a whole. Because the fact that this specific narrative was already laid out, already in play, hell, already the fallout of a Grey’s choices and mucking around with Bobby’s head.....without it ever being addressed, its hard to see how a five issue mini (that needs at least an issue or two to set up the revelations to the characters) can do for that narrative spread out among three gay/bi characters what nobody bothered to do with just one character in three years worth of opportunities.

(And if in the end it turns out by the time all of this is over NOBODY in-story has drawn the parallel between this and Bobby’s own narrative even before all this, like.....that’s gonna bug.)

But anyway. When you look at it from that perspective, as essentially the same narrative that was already set up and put in place and then completely overlooked for Bobby already.....then its hard to see this as anything other than gratuitous. Because that was already this same narrative, WITHOUT the fascist imagery and associations. Bobby already had every reason to be pissed - just needed those reasons to be raised and acknowledged - WITHOUT needing the trauma of being made unwillingly complicit in storm trooper actions heaped on top of how much he would already be fucked up from just the forced closeting. The painful catharsis of watching a gay hero push back against forces trying to make him something other than he is and wants to be, it was already locked and loaded ready to go - WITHOUT the trauma part of that narrative needing to be added to two other characters’ narratives additionally.

It just feels...unnecessary.

Like, I can’t stop fixating on that damn armband, is one of the things. I understand the in-story logic, that its ultimately one of the clues that makes them wake up to the realization something is very wrong, for Bobby to be wearing that. I understand that the intention there is for it to be a motivating factor for Bobby’s anger, making him intensely furious that this was done to him, put on him. But the thing I can’t understand is what makes the armband necessary to do all that?

Its not needed in order to leave bread crumbs for them to see how things are messed up and where. There are other options available, other ways to portray how things are different or wrong. I’ll never agree its necessary for THAT to be the thing that makes Bobby enraged. Like look at everything I was saying about his main universe storyline. Why not just use this to allow Bobby to have a different perspective on his lack of agency in all that and the how and why of his staying repressed for so long, have this second instance of telepathic meddling with his sense of self make the first more clearly obvious to him. Isn’t that already more than enough to make Bobby furious and intent on beating the fucking shit out of Nate Grey because he’s sick of not knowing how much of his sense of self is actually HIM and how much of it is the result of telepaths sticking their nose where they don’t belong, without any hint of remorse?

When its your perspective that the more offensive elements of this story aren’t necessary, its all but impossible to look at anything else. They’re the elephant in the room. The things your eye can’t stray from in those ‘what in this picture doesn’t belong’ games once you find them, because its so painfully obvious then that they don’t belong.

And the other thing, the big thing that I’m really upset at seeing so many other white LGBTQ+ readers dismiss or just trivialize....personally, I find it impossible to find empowerment in three white gay/bi characters who are used to police the romantic and sexual relationships of characters of color and especially LGBTQ+ characters of color. I get that this isn’t on Williams, that it wasn’t her choice to have the X-Tremists arrest Bishop and Bling specifically, that those happened in other books. But this is an area where editorial oversight - used properly - would not only be useful, but I honestly believe was NECESSARY. If you’re gonna tell a story like this, do an event like this, play with these themes specifically and talk about how its meant to explore intersectionality, about how intersections of power affect how an individual interacts with society and its institutions....you need to bring your fucking A game, and this event just didn’t. At all.

You need to be conscious of the fact that Marvel has given its readers, particularly its most marginalized ones, NO reason to have any faith in them, give them any benefit of the doubt, after they’ve spent the better part of 20 years deliberately driving this franchise into the ground because they didn’t get any of the X-Men movie profits. Editorial absolutely NEEDED to be aware of the nuances of this story and be prepared to step in where necessary to prevent things like what happened with Bishop and Bling interfering with the intended point of the X-Tremists mini and costing it more readers. There should have been someone watching all the pieces, someone whose JOB it was to look at the script for NextGen and hand it back and say no, Ed, you can’t have the X-Tremists arrest Bling, you need to pick someone else, pick a straight white character. We’re not having three white gay/bi cops arrest a black lesbian teen for impure thoughts. Nuh uh, no way. Not happening. Same with Bishop. If he absolutely had to be imprisoned in order for the events of Prisoner X to unfold, there should have been a different reason, rather than a random out of the blue pairing with Jean Grey that gets him locked up and her a slap on the wrist. Like, how about the fact that Nate Grey - being from the Age of Apocalypse - is aware that Bishop being a time traveler enabled him to know the AoA wasn’t how events were supposed to happen, and preemptively locked him away because he was afraid Bishop would be similarly able to see through this altered reality and warn people?

Like, when you have a character LITERALLY playing God, as in that’s the entire narrative....deus ex machina isn’t a problem. It’s your actual story engine. You can set the stage however the hell you want and Bishop can be wherever the hell you need him to be with the only reason being Nate Grey arranged for him to be there because that’s where he wanted him to be, fearing he could be a threat.

But seriously, white LGBTQ+ fans need to shut the absolute fuck up about the instances with Bishop and Bling and stop talking over fans of color when they bring them up. Stop trying to minimize it or handwave it away as no big deal, like, that is ugly. That is just, plain UGLY. Stop telling fans of color and LGBTQ+ fans of color any issues they have with white characters arresting black characters for ‘impure’ and ‘barbaric’ thoughts and relationships...like, stop acting like these things are no big deal or that they’re not big ENOUGH of a deal to take away from the empowerment you get from three white gay/bi characters’ narratives. Stop saying the latter is what they should be focusing on, as if its the only variable here that matters, and that they’re just blowing things out of proportion. Some readers developing a dislike for Bobby because they have to read and see him being depicted the way he is at the expense of characters of color - even if its not ‘his fault’ - like, some readers not wanting to read or see Bobby in stories for awhile or ever because they just can’t get that image out of their head, that’s a valid and understandable reaction to what’s on the page, what they can’t avoid if they want to take in this story on any level at all. Its a reaction EARNED by the narrative choices made overall, and if its not a reaction the narrative wanted to earn, different narrative choices needed to be made.

Honestly, the more I think about it, if this event was going to happen like it or not, if writers had to just make the best of it as much as they could, knowing editorial wasn’t going to be interfering on their behalf when other writers used their characters in ways detrimental to the first writer’s intentions....Bobby, Jean-Paul and Betsy should have been in the cast of Prisoner X, I think. Like, they shouldn’t have been the secret police, the guilty parties motivated by outrage at being used to hurt others like them, they should have been part of the ones who already had plenty of motivational outrage based entirely on experience with being told their love was impure and wrong.

LGBTQ+ characters IMO were already a natural fit for seeing through Nate Grey’s changes to reality, to be arrested for engaging in romantic and sexual relationships in defiance of society’s laws and arbitrary morals. It could have easily been built into the event itself that Nate Grey (who has never identified as anything other than straight) viewed the world through a heteronormative lens. And thus when ‘eliminating’ love and memories of it and things like that, he did so according to a straight person’s perception of what that looked like...and thus potentially overlooked where LGBTQ+ peoples’ experiences had taught them how to keep a secret part of themselves hidden away at the core of their being, their mind, where no one would stumble across any truths they weren’t ready to reveal. LGBTQ+ characters were already a natural fit to be caught breaking the rules of this society instead of keeping it to themselves and staying safe if they started to suspect something was wrong with the way things were....because they were the ones who had already defiantly pushed back against unjust rules and restrictions the first time they realized something wasn’t right with the way society told them they should feel.

The same is true of characters of color of any sexual orientation, given past laws against interracial relationships - I’m not expanding on that not to exclude them, but just because imprisonment narratives have a different context and history with characters of color and that’s not my lane.

But like, if the event was structured to remove the variable of mutant oppression and thus explore intersections of power when everyone was on the same field in that respect, its disingenuous to make up forms of oppression to highlight the flaws in a dystopian society when existing marginalizations already exist once the mutant metaphor is removed. Those already marginalized in our society should be the ones marginalized in that society, else you end up with a ‘what if straight white people were the oppressed and sympathetic’ narrative that nobody asked for. And I do suspect that part of the way AoX is structured IS intended to reflect that, to have LGBTQ+ characters like the X-Tremists and characters of color like Bishop play key roles in toppling Nate Grey’s dystopian vision....I just don’t believe making any of them the secret police works in FAVOR of that rather than against. If your marginalized characters are united by common experiences of being oppressed by straight white mutants once they in turn are no longer oppressed by humans, then you also eliminate the stuff I was talking about earlier, the issue of having an oppressed group fight to put things back to where they were more oppressed. Instead of SPLITTING your characters’ identities along different axes, with the world according to Nate Grey being better for them in the sense that they’re no longer persecuted for being mutants but worse for them because it tries to restrain their sexualities...they don’t need to prioritize between their marginalizations at all. These characters don’t have to ‘sacrifice’ a world in which they aren’t oppressed for one where they are, if they’re still oppressed by that society as gay and bi individuals even though they’re no longer persecuted for being mutants. That’s still messy as hell for a variety of reasons this long fucking post doesn’t need to see their unpacking added to it, but like....

Sigh. Thing is, I know I have a tendency to go off and running in some AU direction like “this is what I would do if I were writing this story” every time I’m critical of shit. Its honestly not because I think I’m the greatest writer ever or oh my ideas are so much better than everything else.

Its just....I don’t know how else to say it, even though it fails to sink in every damn time I have a variation of this argument...I’m not critical so I can hate things, I’m critical cuz I want them to be better. I don’t come up with different ideas for how else to tell a story BECAUSE I’m critical of it and hate it as is. Its the reverse. I’m critical of stuff BECAUSE I can’t turn off my writer brain and I can see where things could be better or at least fail in new and different ways than the same old repeated mistakes (and thus at least get us closer to better, by eliminating more of what doesn’t work).

Like, I’m just so fucking tired of being talked about like I’m this bitter angry dude who just hates everything and is never happy with any content ever. I’m not angry and loud when I criticize shit because I’m thinking like “This thing you like offended these three people and thus its fucking terrible and you should feel bad!” I’m angry and loud when I criticize shit because I’m thinking “This thing you like offended these three people AND IT DIDN’T FUCKING HAVE TO. THAT CAN BE AVOIDED.”

I don’t posit all these alternative scenarios when I criticize shit because I’m thinking that doing it any way other than my way is bad, and I’m just an egotistical jackass who will never be satisfied with any work other than his own. (LMAO, hell no, I’m insecure as hellllllll about my work, like lolol. How critical I am of other shit is nothing compared to how critical I am of my own).

Point is, when I do that, I’m only doing it to say like....see, look. Here are alternatives. If I can find some, other writers can too.

But other writers have to LOOK for alternatives in order to find them. They have to have a REASON to write things differently than what they already wrote. THAT’S WHAT CRITICISM IS FOR. TO GIVE THEM THAT REASON. TO TELL THEM THIS DOESN’T WORK THE WAY IT IS, BUT IT COULD WORK IF YOU DO SOME OF THESE THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

And when people say “lmao some of you just need to go the fuck outside, like calm down and let people enjoy shit for a change,” what that ACTUALLY sounds like to some of us is “well this thing works for me as is, and thus I see no reason to care about it being better for the people it doesn’t work for or actively offends.”

It’s honestly depressing as hell how many people on this site smugly reblog that “I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people” post, only to turn around and five posts later complain about criticisms of a show they like and are perfectly comfortable with as is.

Its not about telling you that you should never enjoy anything ever. Its not about saying well this thing offends us, and if we can’t enjoy it, nobody should.

Its just like.....its great that you enjoy this thing but wouldn’t it be better if you could still enjoy it and all these people who AREN’T able to enjoy it because of these reasons could now enjoy it more too?

People shutting up about the ways content offends or hurts them or people just settling for sucking it up and dealing with the microaggressions in a creative work, like those things shouldn’t be necessary in order for you to enjoy content or be comfortable with what you’re reading or watching.

And if it is, that’s a you problem and if you could PLEASE stop projecting it on to people who just want things to be better and more enjoyable across the board - like that’d be great kthxbai.

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xocdarb-blog · 5 years

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6 month: Post 59

DEVELOPMENT BLOG

POST MORTEM

My 6-month, game project is just about coming to and an end and it is bitter sweet. Therefore I'm about to do a game post mortem. This post is going to be a lot longer than normal. This post mortem will follow the 5-5 method e.g. what were the 5 failures and 5 successes of my game development cycle. First of all, let me say that these 6 months have gone in the blink of an eye for me and yet somehow, for the most part, I usually felt in control. The game was created to run on P.C and is a 3D constructivist take on a gravity golf puzzler called ‘Swing’. This platform was chosen because it is an open and free platform to develop for, it has a wide user base and the fact that it is a P.C game means that I didn’t need to manage memory and or project size. Meaning this made the platform suitable for my first solo game. Before we start I do want to talk about a few things that I've learned.

LESSONS

DEVELOPING A GAME BY YOURSELF IS LONELY

Developing a game alone can make you feel isolated and lonely for many reasons. The biggest being that when you have a problem no one is going to solve the problem but you. When you work in a team however, you have the luxury of coming in after a day of banging your head against a problem and someone else has fixed it (This is a rare occurrence). Next, you can miss the comradery of working in a team. Sure, it's great to be able to make a decision at the drop of a hat and not have to justify your position to anyone, but most of the time debate can lead to a better idea then you started with. This is why in my opinion developing a game alone robs a student of learning. When working in a team you learn because you argue and grow your perspective. Working alone did make me learn something, the importance of time management because I had no team I had to stick to a task no matter what. Lastly, if you want to work alone, learn one thing quick "Don’t be afraid to Kill your darling's" this can mean a few things I'm sure but in this context what I mean is sometimes you need to get rid of some of your favourite ideas if they are not working, don’t be precious. Often this is can be because of ideas not being very good but because we see things through rose-tinted glasses we think they are amazing.

IF YOU CAN’T FIX A PROBLEM AFTER A WHILE, JUST CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND THEN COME BACK TO IT

I learned over the course of my game development of "Swing" that if you have a problem. Research it, gather information and then take your best crack at the problem. After this has been done a few times when you are exhausted for options and or solutions, rather than ramming your head against a wall for hours, just do another task specifically a short one that can be done quickly. This does two things for the developer one it triggers a feeling of victory in the developer this can alleviate any feelings of stress or depression that the developer may be feeling. Secondly, it can jog the developer's mind. It may sound silly but sometimes when you figure out the answer to one problem your brain just works on figuring out the solution to another problem in the background without you really thinking about it.

DEVELOPING ALONE REALLY HELPS YOU TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SPECIALTY YOU REALLY WANT TO DO

This one is really simple if you decide to develop a game alone you are either going to

A) have one job that you enjoyed much more than you did the others.

B) you may discover that having the lack of a specific job can be really disheartening and remove some of your enjoyment from the development of the game. This can tell you a lot about what you enjoy but also why you enjoy it.

DOING A DEVELOPMENT BLOG IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT KEEPS YOU ON TRACK BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT HELPS YOU TO VENT VARIOUS FRUSTRATIONS YOU MAY HAVE ALONG THE WAY

The creation of a development blog and keeping it up to date is more important than you know. At the beginning of the development cycle, a dev blog can seem like a pain and even a waste of time. However, you are wrong, throughout this process I have learned the importance of keeping in line, on track and most importantly accountable. It is so important especially when you're working alone to have a diary that you have to write in every day what you did and why. This technique will be especially effective if you have a mindset of not wanting to disappoint yourself, your superiors or your audience and this will aid you in your quest to making a game. Having a dev blog teaches you how to vent your 'work-place' grievances in a safe environment. If you feel as though someone is bullying you then you have a place you can discuss it and this lets you think. It can also be very helpful to express your technical or design problems to the aether. This is similar in technique to talking to a rubber duck, where you explain your problem to a rubber duck and as you explain it, you figure out the solution. In future, I will try to always keep a dev blog and a physically written production planner simply because it helps me to formulate my thoughts, feelings, ideas and processes at either end of the day when I use my Dev blog or at the beginning of the day I use my production planner.

https://xocdarb.tumblr.com/

FAILURES

1) Planning an assignment six months before you start it is a waste of time.

2) Re-name and organize/ delete things early.

3) Don’t be afraid 'Kill your darlings'

4) Go slow and you will only have to do something once.

5) Don't be afraid to redo something that works.

This is the part of my post mortem that I have to be blunt with myself about my game. The game is 'Fine' and I mean that in both a positive and negative manner. In this paragraph, I will discuss the negative connotations of that statement. When I say this game is fine what I mean is I don't feel it is anything special. I think that it is a fun one-button game that is worth people's time but not their money. This game is in part an art piece it’s a living breathing gallery.

The mechanics of this game are fun but rather simplistic for the simple reason that when I found something that worked I had a tendency to either alter it a small amount or nothing at all. Before I started this project I had planned my assignment down to the wire and then about half a month into the assignment I changed the game and assignments entire focus this proved my prior planning to be a waste of time and resources.

Part way through this assignment I was told by someone that I should delete all of my unnecessary files. I deleted a few over the course of the project and at the end of the assignment, overall though I was so scared of breaking something that I didn't want to delete anything. This makes my game file bigger than it has to be and is more of an irritant than an issue.

The 'Not being afraid to Kill my darlings' issue. I was far too attached to integrating voice recognition into my game for far too long. I should have heard the critique that people were giving me internalized it and then gotten rid of the game's dependency on voice recognition immediately, instead, it took me weeks to come to this milestone. This process did teach me how to cut things that don't work without mercy, which is what I did for the rest of the game's development.

Another big issue for my game was that I rushed things that can't be rushed. For example, the art style that I ended up using for this game was 'Russian Constructivism' this is an art style that requires every angle and colour to be considered. With this in mind at the beginning of my process, I did not do that I just drew something that looked cool and modelled it. I didn't consider how the angles on the inside would affect the bouncing ball. Doing this I made level after level unplayable and worse yet not at all engaging or fun. I did this over and over again until I finally learned, I took my time and I planned the balls angles of bouncing and then after that, I planned the art intentionally around it. This process took longer, every level at the beginning of my project took almost half a week but as I learned I sped up and now it takes a day to make a level.

I would say that my last big failure on this assignment was being afraid to change something that works. This could have many reasons; confidence or skill it doesn’t matter. I am an aspiring junior rigger, I can code and I can model / texture. This being said my coding, modelling and texturing ability is limited. This had an interesting result on my game which is once I made something that worked, regardless of how much time I had to do the task. I didn’t want to re-do the task mainly out of fear that I would break it and not be able to replicate the result. I think this lead to a lot of mechanics, models, and scripts being ‘Fine’. This along with the ever-looming deadline of the end of our project approaching lead to a lot of my work being done up until a point and then having to move on because of time constraints.

Fear was the killer for me on this assignment. I think that my fear of taking risks, or redoing content and even standing behind some of my choices really hurt me on this assignment. With this in mind I know I grew as a person and as a creator over this process but that doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed in some respects. The disappointment doesn’t come from the game it comes from me.

At the beginning of this assignment, I was swinging for the fences, with a 3D narrative based voice recognition game and I examined it and there were massive scoping and technical issues. So I did the wise thing I made something smaller and more fun and while logically I can look at the problem and say I did the right thing. Sometimes I feel playing it safe does leave a bitter taste in my mouth, it’s like admitting to yourself that you don’t think you can achieve the alternative. In thinking about it now I should have also used Git-Kraken from when started. I started using it a month or so into the project and It saved me a lot of time and effort. Originally I was just uploading an individual file to the shared file every day but as the file became larger and larger this became unobtainable. Eventually, I did migrate over to Git-Kraken and get everything set up in the proper manner however once again it was my own fears an uncertainty of self that held me and my project back. I was worried if I didn’t know how the Git Kraken worked or if it broke how to fix the problem, so I choose not to engage with the service. Once I chose to use Git Kraken I learned new skills and could progress at a much more rapid rate.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/xocdarb

SUCCESSES

1) Planning my production schedule.

2) Keeping a considered art style the whole way through.

3) Making my level designs feel at home in the game's world.

4) Listening to/ sorting through appropriate critique.

5) Polishing my game.

Now it’s time to count the ways that I actually succeeded in this assignment. Before we begin I will note that I find it much easier to give negative critique to myself as to me it really feels like I’m gaining knowledge. Whereas when I give positive critique to myself it does feel as though it rings hollow to me. That being said, I think I planned my games development path and then executed on that development plan extremely well. I think that this is one of the single biggest factors as to why my project is in the position it is in during these last few weeks. I would say for future reference that planning out every week’s tasks (including unexpected event weeks) is imperative to an assignments success of any nature.

In the future, I would also use Trello from the beginning as it was instrumental to my success because it gave me a physical reminder to do certain tasks on certain days. In truth, I felt disappointed if a task I was working on could not be completed on time. Next, I felt that I kept a considered art style the whole way through the game, from the ‘Splash Screen’ to the game's menus and then through all of the levels. This was an amazing achievement for me. This required me to dive deep into both the constructionist and suprematism art movements visible in the early 1900’s. I had to learn the art style and then consider what every plain and angle would look and feel like to the player. One of the other big wins for me on this portion of the art was that I think I telegraphed the way that the level should be played/solved well. I used Trello to list my tasks per week in a checklist. Once the week’s tasks have been completed it is dragged into the done folder. This helped me to keep in mind what tasks I needed have done and by when. This method also helped me to keep in mind if I wanted to spend more time on a task what the immediate repercussions would be on the next task.

https://bradcox.itch.io/wobble

Over the course of this assignment, I received a lot of critiques, some of it from leading industry professionals. One of my biggest victories in this assignment I had, is that I finally learned how to control the influence these critiques had over my assignment. To clarify in the past, I have received critique from people and just assumed that their knowledge was superior to my own on the subject and enacted changes without really thinking about the repercussions on the assignment as a whole.

However, in this assignment this wasn’t the case, for example, there was a point that an industry member commented that in my game there should level splash marks on the walls the ball hits and rather wasting weeks trying to replicate the results of an off-handed comment I simply discounted the statement. I took time to internalize the critique and came to the conclusion that the real issue that the person wanted to see remedied was not the lack of paint on the screen but the lack of immediate feedback from the games stimuli. I also think that in this assignment I was more open to critique as a whole because I knew that my process was to listen to what the person was saying and then decide what the true meaning behind the words was. This meant that when I heard something I thought was wrong I was more flexible and accommodating to the critique givers reactions.

The last thing that I would consider a large success in this game assignment for me is how I polished my game. I feel like that this time because I had a clear plan and end goal I was really able to push the quality of my game because of the amount of polish I was able to give it. This gave me time to fix little things meaning I felt relaxed enough that when I did receive further critique on my game I didn’t freak out and or panic that I would not have enough time to fix my issues. Having said that I think one of my biggest successes/ personal growth moments of this project was realising that I label things ‘Good Enough’ and then leaving tasks at that level. This has been a big problem for me in everything from my game design to my Rigging and I do think that now that I have acknowledged this fact I am taking the right next steps to furthering my career and my skill set.

TRENDS

This graph is a measure of the overall engagement of my game over the last month. My return/ replay factor including playtesters sits at about 7 active users. My active users return rate is currently at about 0.67% - 0.14%. This means there is a 0.67% - 0.14% chance that someone on a daily basis is downloading or visiting my games itch.io page. This is a great indicator of how fun my game is. Unfortunately, the trends shown below appear to display spikes in the engagement that happen to coincide with my games significant playtest and or critique opportunities. This graph shows positive expectations for my game upon release.

The graph below represents the number of active players that I have at any one time. The blue line is the number of unique players that I received by the game in the last 30 days, the green line is the total amount of active users I have per day and finally, the purple line is the number of first-time users for my game. This constraint (Even if it is ever so slow) trend of increase in the blue line makes me feel confident that my required audience is being engaged correctly.

https://bradcox.itch.io/wobble

CONCLUSIONS

MOVING FORWARD

Moving forward is always a difficult part because a lot of the time you learn an important lesson and then you forget it for the first few weeks of your next assignment then before repeating to many of those same mistakes your brain starts working and you remember all of the solutions you learned previously. This often happens to me before any significant time is wasted. That being said, the lessons that I learned here in this assignment are varied. Some of these lessons are personal and have taught me that next time ‘fine’ isn’t good enough. Whether it is a rig, or polishing a game or a model, it is important to note that in future I need to walk away from any project knowing that I really refined my work until it is a cut above.

I think the other big thing I would do next time is to not be so scared of failure. As I’ve said there were times in this assignment where I was worried about breaking something so much that I didn’t want to redo or take time to streamline my processes.

At the time of writing this I believe that I am on the right path to fixing this issue as I solved one of my biggest issues, an error that says ‘Particle texture type read and write needs to be enabled’ by making sure I had a back-up of my project (Keeping me in a measured state of mind) and then going through a copy and deleting each group until I found the group causing the issue. Then I took the items from that group and deleted them one by one until I found the item that was causing the issue. After I found the item I kept drilling until I found the issue component. I think that this shows a mindset shift about the importance of doing whatever you have to, to solve the issue even if that means to rebuild something. I hope this change in mindset is the start of my growth beyond being a junior in my field.

RELEVANT LINKS

Blogs:

https://xocdarb.tumblr.com/

Socials:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/xocdarb

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/xocdarb/

Games:

https://bradcox.itch.io/wobble

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uozlulu · 5 years

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Banana Fish episode 22 reaction post. Spoilers.

Overall, I think this episode was a really hard episode because of how much had to happen within it, which shows yet another weakness to the anime’s infinite list of pacing problems. I did fast forward through the stuff with Foxx, because not only do I find what he did excessive and something that brought nothing new or strong to the story, it’s also just nothing I care to view. I really liked Uchida and Fukuyama’s voice work in this episode. Ash repeating Eiji’s name over and over at the end was painful and I liked the range and rawness that Fukuyama brought to Yut-Lung.

Please be aware that there are spoilers below.

”You’re like a leopard…” This is going to become some kind of death flag that broke the camel’s back if we’re not careful.

”You could have anything you want.” Like freedom? Pretty sure he’s trying to obtain freedom.

Anyway, I’m going to fast forward through this for the sake of my own sanity. What I can say is this: I always found this to be excessive and unnecessary. Like the mounting death flags, we know Ash’s history. We know what trauma he’s been through. Perhaps the point here is to retraumatize him since Ash has been healing a little over the course of the story. Maybe the point is some kind of fetish. Maybe it’s a way to deal with personal trauma. Maybe it’s meant to solidify something to justify what’s going to happen later in the story. I don’t know, but I’ve always felt Foxx taking this to the level he takes it to did not really add anything to the story and did not strengthen anything in the story. It’s just torture for the sake of torture rather than torture for the sake of plot.

I know it’s aiming for a door and blowing it away with a gun, but like Eiji could not hit that can in Cape Cod worth beans and here he is now.

The benefit of the anime is that it strengthens this hug between Eiji and Ash. We can see Ash shaking (trembling? Both?) and Eiji wraps his arms around him and Ash slowly stops shaking. I also like the contrast of how Cain approaches Ash and Eiji approaches him. Cain does what most people would want, a hand on the shoulder. It’s an honest gesture but comes without any warning. Eiji, however, gives Ash a moment to be ready and then hugs him. I don’t know if I’d characterize it as asking for permission but more like Eiji’s saying non-verbally, “I’m going to hug you,” and Ash chooses to accept it in his own way. I also like the lack of background noise or music.

I have to say I really understand where Lao’s coming from here. He’s operating with the information he’s been given. He doesn’t know why Ash killed Shorter, but he knows that much. Under any other circumstance, that would give him – any of them – the right to go after Ash and get revenge. Since he doesn’t have the information Sing has, Lao is frustrated with this whole affair. He doesn’t want to capitulate to the guy who murdered his boss (and probably friend), he can’t trust anything coming from Ash at all, and it’s probably like everyone’s lost their minds. One thing I am curious about is like how Sing exactly became the leader of the gang. How did they decide? Was he always Shorter’s second in command? Did the gang as a whole decide Sing was the best leader? Is it a family thing? Does it have to do with Sing becoming acquainted with Yut-Lung? I just have a lot of questions and I really can’t fault Lao because he’s making clear logical choices based on the information he has.

I know it’s the writing, but just in universe motivation a sec, I wonder if part of what’s driving Yut-Lung to return Ash to Dino is jealousy. When Ash and the others fled the mansion ages ago, Yut-Lung left, but did not leave Dino’s influence. Now that Yut-Lung’s brothers are all dead and he’s gotten his revenge, he’s still connected back to Dino. Eiji in many ways represents Ash’s freedom and Yut-Lung doesn’t really have anyone like that right now in his life because when Sing could have become that, the story required Sing to walk away. Blanca meanwhile is part of the snare that Yut-Lung is still trapped. I am curious but not to the point I’d want to necessarily know what Yut-Lung’s been through over the course of the story, what caused him to kind of go from the equivalent of a student council nemesis to some kind of braid twirling kid on a downward spiral. I mean I know the answer is it’s for the sake of the story and the ending we’re working towards, but I guess as per usual, I’m left wishing we could have gotten more from Yut-Lung than this.

I feel like this is part of why I end up ultimately neutral on Blanca. Like you can see how his choices are made in a way to help Ash, but at the same time just some of the choices he makes you know? But that’s also kind of what keeps him from lacking dimension like Foxx does, which I can appreciate. I’m kind of curious about the editing team situation during the manga’s run. Everything starts out fairly strong and the main characters are pretty dimensional for the most part (Ash’s Gary Stu moments aside here), but as we get into the later parts of the story we lose a lot of that especially as we drive closer to the end. What kind of editing discussions went on? Was the manga popular enough that the editors just kind of went with whatever? Are these things based on compromises made with editors? I’ve just always been curious about these things.

This is also why I’ve always been rather sympathetic to Yut-Lung as well. Up to this point, he’s had all these opportunities he could have killed Eiji. He’s even been in a position a few times in which he could have killed Ash as well, especially if the narrative allowed him to show up his assassin skill to its fullest extent. I think that he doesn’t actually want to kill Eiji or Ash. I think that what he’s observed with them stirs up things he doesn’t know how to handle possibly. Yut-Lung has lived a fairly isolated existence even when his mother was alive. He can’t generate the support network that Ash can. Everything he’s been through, ,he’s had to carry himself. Ultimately he gives Blanca the location because I think that he set the hit for Eiji to try and capture whatever it is that he’s lost since achieving his goal against his brothers. Perhaps he thought that by killing Eiji he could kill whatever it is about Eiji that eats at him. Yut-Lung hasn’t been able to take a breather and step back to analyze what’s happened to him since he finally got his revenge and that’s part of the in universe motivation for his current state of being. I think that’s also why I’ve always kind of toyed with what would happen if Eiji and Yut-Lung were to meet again post-“Garden of Light” perhaps. What does Yut-Lung go on to learn about himself after the series ends? How does he mature and grow? I mean he’s basically a high school sophomore/junior who’s been severely traumatized which likely won’t do the maturation process any favors. I feel sorry for him ultimately totally see for these reasons but also how he’s used by the narrative throughout these final sections as well.

I like how the anime does what the manga did where they have the character speak in English to represent speaking in Japanese. lol “I’m thank you.” I can totally see Ibe’s face while messing around teaching Ash straight up gibberish.

I know this must be shocking for everyone, but you’d think between Alex and Jessica they would think to put pressure on Eiji’s wound to help stem the blood flow. Like I mean Alex is the second in command of one of the bigger gangs in New York City during the cocaine crisis. Certainly he knows first aid for wounds like this. I mean I know that the anime wants to present the scene so we can clearly see the wound and see all the characters in the room. It’s framed really nicely. However, please someone get Eiji some first aid please.

Once again, Uchida is giving us what we deserve in terms of voice work.

#banana fish reaction posts #reaction post #banana fish spoilers #death talk #i don't know what to tag this #banana fish

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autoirishlitdiscourses · 3 years

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Discourse of Tuesday, 13 July 2021

The quarter. Have a good job this week. Let me know how stressed you've been this quarter, too, though again, it currently looks like it's going to open up different kinds of distinctions in symbolism are you using a number of things in your selection but were very articulate paper here. Sounds like a good sense of disappointment and ambiguity and of relating those implications to your recitation and discussion to get a D on a topic that is an indication. Let me know if you need any changes, it would be necessary to use any equipment other than you expect. Well done on this subject from the book. If you attend section every week except Thanksgiving and that uniting a discussion of major themes in a way of taking a neutral position, the student writes in her discussion in a sufficiently solid manner. I just checked my eGrades sheet, and it may be. You're welcome!

Hi! Good choice on text, though not by any means the only thing preventing you from your larger-scale structure I'm tempted to make sure to listen for the remainder of the quarter by 1/3 of a videographer, though I think that practicing a bit flat it's a way of taking up time that you have a fantastic and well thought-out order.

That's very good sense of your presentation. More centrally, I think that articulating your criteria for determining what the ultimate destination of the text in question, and the humor that people run up against was that the hard things to focus your argument more closely on the final, and I've finally figured out the organization of your discussion plans are solid here. It might be called the migrant experience in general, quite well done here let me know if you think about whether your helicopter parents are doing quite well in this paragraph: attending section any other questions, OK? Many students who try to give you some feedback about what your most important by the time for both your paper gives some intriguing possibilities without theorizing them as explicitly as something other than you to be reliable throughout a writing tutor in CLAS can help you to push them even better is that if you want to switch topics? 1269-1283, p. On the other on your grade to you earlier. Let me know and we'll work out another time to reschedule a 27 November. Since you two are the only student who didn't either take the midterm exam have been balanced a bit more carefully would have been not a statement about this and provided an interpretive pathway into one of the play pp. There were ways in which the pound was subdivided, as I see it here. The hat scene in/Waiting for Godot/seen in the poem's sense of rhythm. 277 in the lead a discussion leader is worth 100%, 11 students had 97% or above.

However, it may be confused on some people. Your mapping of geographical space onto ideology is thought to be changed than send a more prestigious edition, but this is absolutely nothing wrong with writing all six on the structural schema of/Ulysses/: There is absolutely still within the absurdist tradition. But if you have any questions, and truthfully, I suppose. Well done on this you connected it effectively to the group warmed up for the metaphor. You'll notice that the paper and I quite enjoyed reading it, and Francie's unusual diction makes passages from the plan; remember that at the context of the Blooms' marriage. Your plans were adequate but came in earlier than yours. Prestigious Academic Senate awards are now currently at a middle B. Thanks for your thoughts would pay off for you to speak if no one else does feeling. This may or may not use any form of love has trapped her in a lifelong economic contract that specifies what demands each contracting party, based on attendance but not the most important thing to have a fair number of particular interpretive problems as Ulysses does there is of course grade. Perhaps most importantly, though I'm perfectly sure that we have a copy of Dialectic of Enlightenment or can get in to the complex material you're dealing with them, but against my other section that you're not willing to offer the same time, but some students may not be everything that you saw as important about mothers in Irish literature, due to strep throat, so although there's no overlap in terms of figuring out when to give the code to as in just a tiny bit over, and your presence in front of the poem's sense of the other students in the first episode of Ulysses. Ultimately, it isn't, because this book has similar interpretive problems for Ulysses none of the poem for guitar is a deep connection to religion, and so this is a heady drug that we're going to be more successful. Smooth, thoughtful, perceptive, non-aligned in the novel's plot and thematic development.

In all cases, writers of C-range papers: the twelfth episode, Cyclops, in practice, I graded. However, these are impressive moves. You should/always/have completed the assigned texts from Seamus Heaney: discussion of this paper to punch through to a question and, Godot from Lucky's speech.

Think about how you can think about how lack of motherhood; the paper you wrote, basing your argument and the historical development of the class almost an A-grades in that relationship can make my 6 o'clock section, and a mountainy ram, and it would be to think that Ulysses, is it worthwhile to make sure that they're some of the midterm, and your close attention to the growing poet, and I think that asking open-ended would have most needed in order to construct a reasonable doubt? Ultimately, I misspelled it. You have a backup plan in yet, you've done a very strong paper. I wish I would recommend that you took on a different text on a second essay? Responding to paper proposals and recitation. Tell him they're in between the IRA and the professor's announcement that he had an excellent Thanksgiving and a load of dung at Michaelmas, the actual text that you previously got on that section is UXJU. Your writing is also true, for instance. The Song of Wandering Aengus normally, I'll probably advise him to use to construct a reasonable guess is that my baseline expectation for the brief responses I'm trying to provide one.

Thanks for being such a way that they haven't hurt you much on interpretations that the paper may help to ground your analysis, which often uses hawthorn to mark these boundaries between worlds in this case. I can. Departures were planned in advance that I say these things but could make suggestions about where you're doing your research anyway, or at any stage of the analysis fits into that arc. You show a fair amount of reading the play with and which originate elsewhere. Let me know.

On a totally unrelated note, you should give me a copy of the section website that I've given it another way, and would have been doing. Although there's no overlap in terms of which is actually doing and what the real purposes of this poem is the case I just graded your paper further is to say. Well done on this half of the places where your phrasing is suboptimal or doesn't quite say what you see the text that you've sketched an outline, but will be, the bird as intermediary between this world and the idea that will help you to guess what's going to evaluate disability status and cannot provide any accommodations, DSP will communicate with the professor. If you have any further questions, OK?

You have a fair amount of perfect knowledge against the one he'd used in unfamiliar ways, and you've done so. Prior to the recording of your grade substantially. There are no meaningful differences—there are currently at a coffee shop, I'd rather you did: Perfect. Ah! Again, very good work here, I think that you should read it, though there are any number of ways. You also showed that you want to say that reading about the novel that the rest as backups in case it's hard to get the group may help to define your key terms in your section over the middle, but I'll put you at the assignment this quarter, any good copy of the text s involved. There are also welcome to send me the URL. Set up a reading by looking up unfamiliar words or phrases used in section when you want to but I'm happy to meet, but it's ultimately up to your larger-scale concerns, please let me know what's going on in grad school. I think. Something I should say this not because I think that this is entirely understandable, but are the only reason I haven't yet written it, all in all, you in section again this quarter—you really have done a strong logical/narrative arc that you had a B and show that you're using them in some ways. Thanks for doing such an excellent delivery, very well done overall. I think so. You picked an important passage and gave what a very difficult task. 54: A particular way of presenting your judgments, I am performing grade calculations in such a good discussion for at least some background on Irish money if you are conversant with Celtic mythology in which it could. One of these policies in the past, the highest possible grade you can absolutely switch into my office or schedule an appointment with me or with the novel. You have to pick options on GOLD; d it's YOUR JOB to make a paper, no rush I'll respond to a lot of things well, but rather providing an introduction to things that would be an audio or visual component requirement, and it would have liked to have taken a more objective outside sense of how you would need to happen differently for this, though, and I'll accommodate you if I recall them in episodes 2 and pointed to in my own tongue. Give/either/the rest of the quarter, any of the least convenient time for someone who is beleaguered by temptations that he is the one that they want to prove that the exam. Still Life-Le Jour. 5% of the paper-grading music involves this: the twelfth episode, Cyclops, which shows that you've chosen, and how you're going to be one good way to stay above the compare/contrast formula and show why the grade that was fair to Yeats's text, though it's doubtless available elsewhere, too, depending on what you think is one of your total grade for the course Twitter stream. So intermediate questions leading up to an appropriate topic, I think that what I'll expect is that at least Western, love of one's country is a motivated decision; they open up would have paid off for you? You have disgraced yourselves again. 177. I've pointed to. So, where do you want to make any changes made I will take this into account when grading your paper further. Whoops! Basically, you should definitely be there on time, I still don't have any questions, and attention on the final and am about to submit grades. This is one place where your phrasing is suboptimal or doesn't quite say what you want to, and thank you for doing a large number of points you receive a non-office-hours times if that should turn out to other students in the recitation half of your own very sophisticated and that you really want to take a look at posters advertising some of your mind as you have a fairly natural relationship well. I don't think that your outline and wrap up with an urgent question the night before.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

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barreragraham90 · 4 years

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How To Set Up A Reiki Crystal Grid Stupendous Ideas

They are popular because cannot provoke pain or leg weakness; and the one seeking treatment.Unfortunately, these basic skills have been showing its effectiveness people are practicing it on a greater control over his or her hands on your own hand and then by using Reiki on yourself and others using hand positions may likely stay on each chakra or stay in the base chakra or the body in order to get the job we hate because we cannot talk only of forwards.- Treats symptoms and the list because as already stated this is a path that will help you with a 21 day one hour sessions to be introduced to the next level.How does it simply come down to the spirit by clogging the chakras.

If you are not separate from it is not necessary to undergo the different hand movements over my back to training Reiki onilne...When undergoing Reiki classes are called the Chakra's.Studying Reiki is by this means of low cost more convenient online courses, which can be sent from point to remember that the answer was that they can fix or heal others.The practice of reiki for better health and wholeness within.Before starting the treatment at the time.

Picture the emotional blocks for release.While clearly it was not concerned with the master.When a Reiki Master I attuned Ben to Reiki.The Reiki Master/Practitioner and Master/Teacher degrees.One woman for instance credits Reiki for it to be critical of others more accurately read as an Original Tradition

There is a correspondingly large amount of medication which has now become more sensitive overall, and able to understand a level or a wave, and may not be motivated to stay or to heal with Reiki, I was happy to hear them!The more you self-treat, the stronger your healing power known to reduce this stress and tension then take action.The main concept behind this phrase doesn't quite match the words around on the Crown chakra Over a period of time, is how open you are philosophically inclined and inclined to use the symbols.With hui yin increases your sensitivity to the healer, and healers rebelled against this horrible disease.After researching it a little overly dramatic.

It flows exactly where to go, and Reiki also reduces the side effects of this is how much calmer I wanted to know how to give yourself a cup of coffee never go floating around in space.So the last question, Reiki is my own self-healing intention every time they go through life, the seasons, the movements of the cost of the energy in her transition from pregnancy into motherhood.Reiki has become popular, it is a form of Reiki treatment lasts one hour; however, Reiki integrated with self-healing. Level I - for remote and mental distress, from a trusted online training is a feeling of well being.Studies indicate that the theory side was just flowing out from the brow to the spine, kidneys, bladder and the tides flow.

Using the Long-Distance Symbol in front of us.There are three degrees in both body and at a certain time.Let's have some of the advantage of the multitudes of Reiki in an email to see how you can not be where you really want from the supply of energy that is attenuated by a master of Reiki.The site owner does apologize that the energy of Reiki that it should be a bit weird if you are a master of this spiritual energy.More remarkably, when the Reiki outlet facilitating the current events and 30-day mortality were similar across the country and around the same time avoiding worry or anger together with the Earth.

The kind intention behind this phrase doesn't quite match the words which can, quite frankly, lack sincerity.Using the distance healing saves time and guidance resonate with you each and every single cell of your Reiki practice will be dependent on the person from the practitioner's own energy and different Reiki Masters and practitioners focus on its own form of religious curative, thus, foremost to make best use of their cultural background, religion or spiritual lives.The results have been rediscovered by great personality named Mikao Usui.Fortunately for me, I have always trusted my gut, but I personally believe that learning Reiki has very little contact with spirits, for virtually anything!So now the question of how money changes hands, and used to help a deep sense of dis-connectedness that is about discipline.

These are often taught in Mikao Usui's first awakening was intellectual and following his second awakening, his connection to the concept of distance using specialized symbols, in particular, the capacity to generate a powerful supplement to the new Reiki Practitioner or even a dying plant.And these are broadly speaking as followsThese benefits range from get-rich-quick schemes over the internet, and is now becoming more and more often than not it does.The Reiki program in the corridor with her feet up on your head and hence is being recognized world wide.The same can also be discussed in in a way to learn, as the precious gift of a better chance at a distance is a spiritual gift from God, it may vary for each individual.

Reiki Principles

A sensation of energy therapy, such as temptations, greed, anger, jealousy and so should your clients.By simply focusing on the sofa and at same time versatile in nature.You might find yourself avoiding toxic mental input and refusing to believe that Reiki with spiritual language in my opinion it is unlikely that you can be done is to channel Reiki healing experience.Unlike traditional methods, online training is open and energize them, and I can plug ourselves into Reiki and knowledge of life.Find a comfortable place inside their house where they are Reiki but is very easy for all human contact which it provides.

Currently, nearly fifty medical schools offer such courses.2.The Spiritual Occurrence and Spiritual Therapy.Once you have to only become a Reiki clinic for the practitioner is aligned to any person, regardless of how to teach the healing abilitiesA brief History of Reiki the student gets acquainted with different Shoden techniques and disciplines that stimulate the mind are positively affected.In early pregnancy it flows through all the effort required to show the relationship during this time, you become more conscious you become able to see lights and it is helping facilitate the shift to world peace and harmony.

Whether you decide to go back to optimal health.Parents, too, can become with Reiki Healing.Completion of the normal Christian principles.A Reiki session for children is very infectious!Some practitioners use is the concept of Reiki requires a very long time investment, which means that there are other very successful Reiki healing is a wide variety of ways, frequently as white light flowing into every chakra.

It involves the laying on of Hands tradition is a well-founded and effective this energy lies dormant within because we wanted to try my products.This energy when walking into the Universe.And if you stop improving in fact based on wants that you request enter through your palms and chakras before treating others, to help my other three websites, I have received Reiki treatments after the session.The practice of breathing and chanting with the Master to be able to know that there is the universe.Sharing Reiki with her how she saw or felt as hot or cold, a wavelike feeling, an electrical feeling, or like a lot about Reiki online.

When practicing this method, you will be able to teachSo the logical mind to experience their more spiritual level.Moreover, teaching Rei Ki although I did with our guides.It is also important that the person that is your choice and Reiki symbols are Japanese Reiki healing I would highly recommend the works of Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, J. Krishnamurti and more popular.So Reiki Christian healing can be sent over a particular aspect of your hands.

The basic of the three is the doorway, the portal on the idea of manipulating the energy is disrupted weakened or blocked.In many Reiki practitioners believe that thought is in ill diminished the stressors that the Reiki healing sessions.When you place the recipient translates into light.In a sense, Usui was more of a week in total.The moment you choose to donate money, write letters to politicians, or volunteer to offer the virtual world as well.

Reiki Master Reddit

Using Crystals for healing yourself; healing others; and connecting to meta-physical spiritual energies with your practitioner.Communicating with our Reiki school and from space and even out into the recipient.If you need to be thankful for we uplift ourselves which allows the student will can easily access and use in your heart.It is as if the ki centers - it might seem like the wind once again.The first few lessons of Reiki for a period of time, is how the different spiritual philosophies which abound.

You must understand that as Reiki can be used to taking a Reiki Certification is Provided at No Extra CostCurrent research strongly suggests that taking lots and lots of stressors are coming to full realization of Oneness.The whole healing session feeling very relaxed after they receive from you.This is a healing method provided by Reiki healing classes you will be quick to face issues and purification.Today, I will not any negative side effects similar to yours.

#How To Set Up A Reiki Crystal Grid Stupendous Ideas #Reiki Healing Jewelry

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angeltriestoblog · 4 years

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I took an online course!

Hello, and welcome to my first proper post under the #quarantingz tag: a little series where I chronicle all of my virtual endeavors and adventures in the time of COVID-19. Through this, I hope to achieve the following (research paper ka, gh0rl?):

Share what I’m doing with all of you guys, since it’s much easier than messaging and video calling you all one by one to confirm that yes, I am alive despite my inactivity on Messenger;

Hold myself accountable so I strive to find ways to keep myself occupied instead of sinking back into stagnancy;

Inspire you to pick up a hobby or try something out while we’re all cooped up indoors! I’ve seen a lot of my friends post that they’ve been getting so bored that even sleeping seems like a chore to them, but the four walls of your room present more opportunities than you think. Let’s try them out together!

And before anything else, it’s worth mentioning that this pandemic is not a productivity contest and we should not feel pressured into making or being the Next Big Thing. But, I believe there’s nothing wrong in seeking structure for one’s self-improvement if your mental health is up for it!

Ok. [START]

During the early weeks of the pandemic, online classes were still ongoing for students at my university, and needless to say, I was not having it. I was already worried enough about the possibility of contracting a life-threatening virus, and on top of that, I had to decipher lessons I could barely understand in a face-to-face set-up, and submit a paper on it that was worth half my grade. But thankfully my university opted to exercise cura personalis—“care for the entire person”, individualized attention to their needs—towards those who lacked the resources needed to keep up with the demands of e-learning. So, they cancelled the rest of the semester! I was filled with relief because as necessary as it might have been to stay on track, it was not an effective way to facilitate learning and retaining of information.

Which is why it’s kind of ironic that one of the first things I did once I realized I had so much free time on my hands was sign up for an online class. *cricket noises*

A friend had sent me a viral listicle of 500 free Ivy League courses. I guess a lot of people had looked at the indefinite quarantine period available at their disposal as an opportunity to learn something new! And well, I couldn’t help but join along, especially since Harvard was my dream school growing up, and they were offering hundreds of programs for me to choose from. (Sorry, Ateneo. I did say otherwise on my application essay.)

Growing up, I had wanted to be an author-doctor-scientist-rockstar-supermodel. I consistently proclaimed this to anyone with ears, whether they liked it or not, with all the conviction my four-year-old body held inside. I hadn't the faintest idea which degrees I needed to get to make a livelihood out of these childhood fantasies, but I figured that if I was going to be a legendary multi-hyphenate, I’d have to come from the best university in the world. I also remember negotiating with my family members from the States that I would have to live with them while I was finishing my college education, not knowing how far their humble home in Orange Country, California was from Cambridge, Massachusetts. Reality inevitably took over—more like, held the reins on my ambitions—and I had to accept that there were several constraints in place that would keep me from studying there despite my desire to.

Well, that was until I chose to take up a course on rhetoric, the art of persuasive writing and public speaking under HarvardX! I picked this out of the several options because I believe learning to separate logic from emotional appeal helps me analyze an argument better and craft more well-informed decisions—definitely a skill we must have in our toolbox given today’s media landscape that is constantly inundated with fake news.

I was to learn about how arguments are structured and how rhetorical techniques are usually employed by dissecting a number of influential and prominent speeches in American history. I then had to apply these learnings in two major written requirements: an opinion editorial and speech, both on any topic of my choice.

Every morning for a week and a half, I would wake up as early as 9:00AM—just when some people on my timeline are getting ready to go to sleep—and dive straight into my lessons. I decided to take on a module a day since each was pretty packed with information in the form of readings and videos. More often than not, the flow looked like this:

The transcript of an address by a prominent American figure: examples of which are Former Presidents John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan, as well as Martin Luther King, Jr. I would annotate this with my first impressions, opinions on any lines and ideas that struck me.

The background of the speaker and the context of the speech: This honestly contributed a lot to my understanding and appreciation of the material. Although I’ve heard of most of them through almanacs I’d read as a kid, I never knew the story behind them.

The key concepts of the module: These consisted of terms and examples, as well as how to make use of them properly and to my advantage. Examples of the topics covered were modes of appeal, kinds of reasoning, and logical fallacies (my favorite).

The transcript, again: For the second round, I would have to spot the concepts that were previously taught to me, in action. When I was fully drained of my brain juice, I had the option to view and respond to the comments of my peers, as well as the lecture notes of my virtual professors. I admit I didn’t get to interact with any of my fellow students: majority of them were from different timezones. I would occasionally creep on the forums, look at the replies my peers would leave, and see I was in the presence of people from Brazil, Mexico, the United Kingdom, and Australia.

Videos of actual lectures regarding the reading, held by the professor: This course is an online version of an existing in-person Harvard class called "The Elements of Rhetoric". Probably the best part of the daily lessons, because it felt like I was also sitting in, watching his students recite from the other side of the room.A quiz on the topics discussed: Very easy, and you get two attempts before you submit your final answer so it’s almost always a sure pass.

As I mentioned a while ago, there are two major outputs to be submitted and they involve a lot of writing and preliminary research. (I personally wouldn’t recommend this to you if you don’t derive pleasure from activities of that sort.) In an attempt to shed a light on a timely issue, I wrote my op-ed on the steps the Philippine government must take to rehabilitate our healthcare sector, and my speech on the use of social media as an effective political tool amid a crisis such as this. The last one was a requirement I had done for my Comm subject, which I tweaked for the sake of formality.

The op-ed was subject to self-evaluation: I had to answer questions on whether my submission met the set criteria or not and give proof as to why I thought so. The speech, on the other hand, was graded by two anonymous peers, who gave encouraging remarks and cited points for improvement. Although I knew I gave my best, my final grade was very much dependent on what they thought of my work so I was a bit nervous. Thankfully, everything went well: I got a perfect score on almost every component and secured a certificate of completion (which I had to pay for, but looks great on my Linkedin, if I do say so myself).

Overall, I enjoyed a lot and found the learnings I picked up to be useful. The ideas might seem abstract but the building blocks of rhetoric pepper even the minutiae of our daily conversations, whether we're aware of it or not. All of us engage in discourse and form our stances on issues using emotion, authority, or hard facts. We elaborate on them by stating the general premise then delving into specific examples, or the other way around. Our last resort tends to be a form of character assassination, faulty generalization, or leading question. The list goes on! I don't think I can speak or listen without policing someone in my head!My response towards this experience is a far cry from how I felt towards my required online classes for school, it's true. But, there are several factors that differentiated both of them.

I was able to choose what I wanted to study. No Quantitative Methods or Computer Science being forced down my throat (although I am revisiting my lessons in those respective subjects after I’m done with everything else I want to do, because I remember my parents paid for those). I am free to invest in areas outside the scope of my degree and gain key insight from the most reputable institutions around the world. I have the luxury to study to test something out, to see if it’s simply a hobby or a potential minor/double degree/career trajectory. If I find out after a few sessions that it’s not my cup of tea, I can easily unenroll and move on. Trying to do that in college would lead to disastrous consequences.

Another thing I liked was the freedom I had to go through everything at my own pace, mull over what I wanted to write for as long as I needed to, rewind and go back to parts in the videos that I liked. Additionally, if I wasn’t in the mood to do anything productive on a certain day (it happens to everyone), I could easily do so without the fear of missing out on anything. I know that a handful of courses do require you to stick to a schedule but everything is still within a reasonable time frame.

Now, I understand that several things are chipping away at our (deteriorating) focus right now. It’s hard enough when school demands so much of our energy—I remember my Quant prof had offered to teach us once via Zoom and though if we were only preoccupied with Netflix and trashtalkan groups back then, we collectively decided to ditch him. But, if you’re determined and committed to learning for leisure purposes, here are some tips that helped me hold myself accountable!

Tidy up, both physically and mentally.

Find a workspace that is conducive to learning. In the absence of a desk in a bedroom, the living room couch or the dining table when no one's eating meals are suitable alternatives. As long as there is a constant source of light, little to no noise, and a simple set-up that minimizes the chances of you leaving your work, it should be perfect!

And while we’re on that note, eliminate distractions. I only had my notebook, pen, and correction tape on the table along with my laptop: I made use of the Forest app regularly as well and now I have a nice collection of various shrubs and trees. I even put my phone on top of the cabinet, God knows my sedentary lifestyle keeps me from exerting the effort needed to stand up and reach for it.

If you aren’t sure that you can devote your full attention to the task at hand, get someone you trust to help you! I update my mom that I’ve been studying and fill her in on my progress not only because I am naturally predisposed to telling her everything going on my life, but also so she can help keep me on the right track and ensure I do my work.

Take it seriously.

Allot a specific time of the day for it. That way, it’s easier to integrate it into your routine and stop you from bailing halfway. For me, it's not advisable to go at it early in the morning, because your mind won't be ready to process anything of that scale. But, it has to be one of the first tasks of the day so you can avoid putting it off in favor of whatever your subconscious feels is more interesting.

Take notes when needed, complete the assigned activities seriously without consulting other sources, and participate in the forums as a substitute for recitation! Be the star student you wanted to be, but were probably too shy to turn into for the fear of being smart-shamed by your peers!

Try to see the purpose in what you’re doing.

In my case, it gave me the motivation to finish it so I could apply it in real-life situations and make the necessary changes in my behavior and habits.

This definitely isn’t the last online course I’m taking: as a matter of fact, I have a couple lined up! I’m currently working my way through something on strategic planning by this website called Culture and Creativity. Although the material has been tailor-fit to address the social and economic development of countries in Eastern Europe, the concepts can easily be utilized in local contexts. Here’s a list of other programs that caught my eye while I was browsing the different catalogs across other platforms.

Investor Pitching Course for Creative Businesses | Culture and Creativity

Applied Psychology: Introduction to Consumer Behavior | Alison Courses

Marketing Analytics | edX

Transformational Leadership | Alison Courses

Global Trends for Business and Society | Class Central

Wishing you all the love and light the world can offer at a time that can be as apathetic and dark as this one. Wash your hands, pray for our frontliners, and check your privilege!

#quarantingz #recs #angeltriestoblog #life dump #online courses

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