he told me: you've never been in a relationship.
it was exploitation. i was at the center of a whirlwind. it was the middle of winter. i had no idea that i was going to gag on an extra pill that night. from then on, i was always sedated.
later on, when we were in the grocery store, i told him didn't want to do this anymore.
he got very quiet. he said it would be fine. he had never expected me to say no.
i never said no after that.
he put his palm against my thigh. he put his knuckles against my throat. he put his fingers in my mouth.
i counted each one. i was one of those people that was very bad at doing multiple things, but very good at doing a few particular things. i thought it was the other way around.
the theory: i couldn't be manipulated because i had watched everyone around me be manipulated from a young age.
the practice: there were not actually many things i knew how to do, but i knew how to be still. i knew not to push his fingers back. i knew to settle my thighs.
i knew if i resisted, it would be worse.
it was my first relationship.
i flinched when i was away from him. i flinched on my bathroom floor, head tucked between my knees. i flinched at school, on the rare occasions that i went. i flinched in the hallway after. i was a girl with her organs spilled out. i was sure you could see what had happened on my face.
you could.
i don't know what to do, i said. i need someone to protect me.
a girl of eighteen looked at me. her eyes were kind, but her tone was not. or maybe it was the other way around.
"you have to bite the hand," she said.
this was the same girl that had given me a brownie bar and a tight hug when i had told her about the pills. this was the same girl that refused to talk to me in class.
i could never figure her out.
my first relationship ended. the next year, i was kissing her ex. his mouth was on my neck. it happened three times before i lashed out.
i didn't even bite. i didn't bend his fingers back. nothing snapped. i said nothing, but i was not still.
he looked at me. his eyes were a very soft shade of brown.
i can't, i told him. i gnashed my teeth.
we had known each other for two years. that was the last time i let him lie to me. after my fingers twitched toward his wrist, he drove me home. we never talked again.
two years before this, i had been wandering the street in the middle of the night. a mutual friend of both the boy and the girl who knew about the pills pulled me into his car. he did that a lot. he lied to his mom and said he was with his girlfriend when he knew i was on the edge.
i don't know what to do, i told him. i said that a lot. i never had the words for anything else. i was empty, unsheathed, spilled out.
he put his hand on my thigh. you have to bite the hand, he told me. you have to bite the hand that feeds you.
i looked at his fingers.
he moved to california. he told me that i would visit. i imagined sleeping on the floor. i loved him and his friends so much.
i knew it would never happen. he couldn't even visit when he lived ten minutes away. we were associated in parking lots and nowhere else. i was embarrassing. you could see all of my organs. i never knew how to bite.
years passed like hourglasses. i found new friends. i bit at them every opportunity. i learned, i told the old ones. i learned, let me come with you, i said. to my lovely new friends, i said, leave. i thought, fuck you. they were pretty and wonderful and perfect and i snapped each of their fingers back. in class, i would not look at them. i lied to them whenever i could.
they cornered me in a car, put barbed wire between my teeth. tell us the truth. tell us again.
i said i was sorry. they told me to bite the hand, i said. my friends in california. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. they didn't protect me. they told me to bite the hand.
my friends, the new ones, gave me very soft looks.
you don't have to do that, they said. we'll protect you. we're trying to protect you.
i cried so fucking hard.
i met a boy again. not my first relationship. he didn't touch me until the third date. he put his thumbs on my thighs. i put my palms on his stomach. we laced our fingers together.
i can't, i told him. i was shaking. i was trying very hard not to hurt him. i didn't want to snap his fingers back. i didn't want to carve open his stomach. he kept asking, are you alright? he never put his fingers near my mouth.
i'm fucked up, i told him. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm trying to be better. my friends told me that i don't always have to be violent.
i curled my knees to my chest. we laid in his bed. i was a little sick.
it's okay, he said. i'm not going to hurt you.
i kept waiting for him to hurt me. he never did.
afterwards, i drove twenty minutes to the supermarket and stared at the aisles. i counted the items. i plucked stuffed animals from the shelves and put them back delicately.
i had been with a boy. he hadn't grabbed my waist and he hadn't pushed me down. it had been two years. i had kissed someone without hurting them first.
there was no one left to hurt. i didn't need california. i didn't have to hurt anyone. i was protected on all sides.
i put my teeth away, and i began to write.
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one of the things that the Madrid GP addition drama reaffirms is the Great Divide™️ between media and the fans; once again, the criticism of street tracks is ignored and entirely overridden by blatant lies, spearheaded by stefano and fom ostensibly making these changes ‘for the fans’ (read: $$$); begs the question which fans stefano is referring to because the general consensus is that absolutely nobody wants more street tracks (reasons are endless); f1 media however keeps regurgitating the same apparent positives of street tracks apparently in the name of the fans, with absolutely no one deciding to question them; and this highlights the massive problem in f1 media: there is virtually no pluralism; everyone is reading from the same script supplied by fom; it’s a big disappointment because firstly, the fans don’t feel listened to (stefano’s insistence on ‘providing for the fans’ genuinely feels like a slap in the face atp) and secondly, the media doesn’t do the job it’s supposed to (i keep mentioning the f1 journalistic bubble being a huge hindrance to f1’s development, but it’s exactly that again, this street track saga is a desperate call for someone to finally ask the uncomfortable questions to stefano, to fom, to those in power as to why they are doing what they are doing; absolutely no journalist is willing to actually do anything of value (one payroll amirite) and the fans once again feel completely ignored
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Beauty of the Mundane
Set in the Biting the Hand that Feeds AU
just a lil drabble I thought about while drawing this attack for @xitsensunmoon !!!
in which you literally do nothing, and Moon has a bit of a crisis
It was a normal day, all things considered.
You took a late night shift today, and besides the normal trials and tribulations of being a doctor in this city, there wasn't anything really to complain about. No Karens, no lifethreatening emergencies, and you even got a thank you card from a boy you helped through your donations And even though your eyebags were noticable and your body tenser than a taut bowstring, you took your wins when you could. You open your door and even cook dinner that night (yay!) while chatting up a storm with your vampiric roommates who are secretly as overjoyed as you that you had a good day. After a shower and a clean change of clothes, you all but flop into Moon's arms with a one round trip to dreamland.
The routine started as a teasing remark one cold night, Moon recalls, the heater was busted and the poor human was shivering like a leaf. So, as a suggestion ( with no ulterior motives of course), he offered his lap as a solution. He does have a wonderfully warm fluffy coat, you know. He was met by flimsy excuses paired with embarrassed expressions the first few times, but he knew you couldn't resist him in the end. Soon, it became a part of everyday life with your lunar-themed friend: he gets your blood, gets to be by your side while you rest, and teases you all the times in between. Rinse and repeat for basically the foreseeable future.
Moon looks down at your resting features now as his reminscing is interrupted by gentle snores. You looked so peaceful, the day's stress washed away entirely as you lay in the glow of moonlight. A certain feeling begins to creep up in the vampire's mind as he sits with you, he can't quite put a name to it. It was nice though. Being depended on, he thinks. Your relationship with the brothers were a little (a lot) parasitic in nature. It was nice to be able to give something back that wasn't the excuse of "entertainment" or "better food".
The feeling sort of stews for a few minutes in Moon's mind....
...Until, like a panther after stalking its prey, the feeling is suddenly realized and had you not been currently in Moon's lap, he would have jolted with a concerning violence. His usual smug smirk now reduced to a stunned expression and eyelights completely dark.
He likes this. This meaning the quiet moments with you. Not just the playfulness and drinking of your blood -- both great things do not get him wrong -- but the everyday moments. The domesticity. And as he spirals, he realizes something else. Nothing about the individual parts of your with him relationship really have anything in common. Not the blood, not the quick witted conversations, and most certainly not these late nights. Nothing....except you. Maybe, just maybe...that means he likes you more than he thought.
As he looks down at you again, it feels more special this time. As if time has stopped just for Moon to drink in all of your features, to try and figure you out as you slumber. And that's the kicker, he thinks. You did nothing but sleep and yet you managed to get a rise out of him. He quietly chuckles. You really are something.
He thinks back to the first time you met. And then all the memories that happened in between then and now, good and bad. He looks back down at you.
Yeah, you really are something.
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