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vro0m · 2 years

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vro0m’s rewatch - 111/304

2013 Australian GP

Okay hi! Yes it’s still me, vousnavezrienvuf1, in case you missed it I changed my username to vro0m but this is still the big Lewis rewatch except it’s now called vro0m’s rewatch. I changed the tag but it’s still the same content.

Anyway it’s a new season! Let me say first of all that I had waaaay less problems with the lack of content this time, except for 3 races... Including this one lol. So yeah. No gifs this time around but I promise there's a lot of them coming. Like. A lot.

Let’s get started!

First off, let's head to Wikipedia to see the main changes for the season.

HRT liquidated so we now have 11 teams on the grid : RedBull, Ferrari, McLaren, Lotus, Mercedes, Sauber, Force India, Williams, Toro Rosso, Caterham and Marussia.

Also we know most of that from the 2012 season reviews but as a recap :

Of course Lewis joined Mercedes and Schumacher retired for the second time.

Perez left Sauber to take Lewis' seat at McLaren.

Hulkenberg left Force India after one year even though he had a multi-year deal with them to go to Sauber, with Gutierrez as a team-mate.

Hulkenberg's seat at Force India was filled by Sutil, who didn't have a seat in 2012.

Gutierrez thus took Kobayashi's spot. Kobayashi tried to raise money by asking his fans for donations but he gave up trying to find a seat after Lotus announced they would keep Grosjean.

Bottas started at Williams with Maldonado, Senna losing his seat.

Pic went from Marussia to Caterham where he joined Van der Garde, which means both Kovalainen and Petrov were out. Abiteboul said at some point that Kovalainen got left out because he had a bad relationship with the team while Petrov lost his seat due to a lack of sponsors.

Glock was supposed to stay with Marussia but he opted out. Marussia signed Chilton and Razia, but Razia was not on the line-up in the pre-season testing in Barcelona, leading to rumours. Later, we learned that his sponsors failed to pay what they were supposed to and he got suspended. He ultimately got replaced by none other than Jules Bianchi.

HRT disappearing also meant that de la Rosa and Karthikeyan lost their jobs.

Calendar-wise, I discover that Bernie said at the time that 20 seemed to be the maximum viable number of races for a season. Welp.

The number of races is part of the Concorde agreement and it expired at the end of 2012 so there could've been more if the teams had agreed to it but in the end, there were 19 races in 2013. Originally, it was supposed to be 20, with a… New Jersey Street circuit?! But it didn't happen and they didn't find a replacement so that was it.

…...no but seriously : NEW JERSEY STREET CIRCUIT?!

Anyway let's move on. Rule changes.

After n*zi-pr*stitutes Max Mosley failed to introduce a budget cap in 2010, the FIA "announced plans to introduce cost-control measures for 2013". I don't know what that entailed concretely.

The quali procedures were adapted after HRT's departure : 6 cars eliminated in Q1 instead of 7, then 6 in Q2, and the top 10 in Q3.

During FPs and quali, the drivers are now only allowed to use the DRS in the DRS zones, as opposed to wherever they wanted to up until that point. Because of that, the number of DRS zones was brought up to 2 wherever it was possible.

After Seb's issues in Abu Dhabi '12 the rules of force majeure were altered. Initially, you could only stop the car on the track during quali and not be penalized if you could prove that you didn't have a choice and it was out of the team's control. From 2013 onward, force majeure is not a good enough reason to do so. The stewards will check the remaining amount of fuel in any car that has stopped on the track to check if it abides by the rules and calculate a penalty based on the difference.

The teams now have only 2 jokers to the curfew rule, rather than 4.

The entry fee was increased to 500'000 dollars (holy shit) PLUS 5'000 per point scored in the WCC with the reigning team paying 6'000/point?! So RBR had to pay no less than 3'260'000$ in 2013. That's absolutely fucking insane.

Oh lmao. Brace yourselves. The 2012 regs led to the development of a nose deemed "platypus nose" that was described as "ugly" by many people (Domenicalli said "not that pretty"). Charlie Whiting said that the new regs for 2014 would change that anyway but in the meantime the teams were allowed to use what was called, and I kid you not, "a modesty plate" to hide the platypus nose's ugliness without altering the aerodynamics. I'm honestly losing my mind over this.

Mercedes had developed a "double-DRS" system in 2012 that was banned in 2013. It allowed "to create a stalling effect over the front wing when the rear wing DRS was open". Basically it counteracted the downforce it generated, giving the car higher speed and better stability. Lotus developed a similar system before the teams agreed to the ban but the new regs specifically banned Mercedes' system and not the Lotus' one?!

Also before then, any change to the sporting or technical regs required 70% (so 9) of the teams' agreement. From 2013 onwards, it only took 51% so 6 teams.

Here you go for the 2013 context. Now let's see that first race!

Oooh the weather is not great. It's very overcast. Seb is on pole in a Redbull front row. Lewis is 3rd! Massa 4th, Alonso 5th, Rosberg 6th, Raikkonen 7th and team-mate Grosjean 8th, Di Resta 9th and Jenson completes the top 10. Hulkenberg is supposed to be 11th but he's out : problem with the fuel system.

Formation lap

The top 10 is on supersofts. They're getting them out of the way, they don't last for very long.

And they're racing!

OHhh Massa overtakes Webber, Lewis gets a good start but Alonso is side by side with him after turn 2. Webber is going backwards. Lewis loses a place. So it's Seb, Massa and Alonso stepping on each other's toes, Lewis and Raikkonen doing the same, then Rosberg, Webber down in 7th already, Di Resta and Jenson. Alonso overtakes Massa for P2 while Lewis locks up and loses his position to Raikkonen. No he resists! Massa also resisted! Raikkonen attacks again but Lewis has the inside line. It's incredibly close. A few corners later, it's a done deal, Raikkonen up in 4th. And Rosberg? No. Lewis was down in 6th but he got back up in 5th.

What happened to Jenson? He's down in 21st and pitting. Weird. Massa is within 1 second of Seb and Alonso also less than 1 second behind him. Webber pits. It's not good. Lewis is losing on Raikkonen though. Seb pits. Raikkonen is only 2 seconds off the lead, these Lotuses are something… Massa pits. Alonso pits and has to brake hard to hit the speed limit, with Raikkonen behind him. Maldonado goes wide.

10 laps in, can we see the graphics please… Lewis leads in front of Rosberg, Sutil and Perez. They all have to stop and God knows why Mercedes isn't bringing the boys in right now. Then it's Seb, Massa, Alonso, Raikkonen on new tyres. And Seb overtook Perez… what use is there to keeping them out?

Btw I have to say these Redbulls have a purple hue now and it's very pretty. I like purple. Why don't we have any purple cars actually. Here are the 10 colours I'd choose for the cars if it was up to me (I know you didn't ask for it but I'm writing the review so I can do what I want) : White, Black, Deep pink, Dark green, Aureolin Yellow, French violet, Dark candy apple red, Ice blue, Zaffre blue and Tangelo orange.

Also all the cars would be sparkly by obligation. I said what I said. (I'm ashamed of how long I just spent on this omg.)

Anyway Lewis isn't struggling too much with the grip so at least there's that. His pace is good. But now the mechanics are out! Lewis comes in. Ah right. We're at that time when both Mercedes drivers are wearing yellow helmets so it's a struggle to tell them apart. He's out in 8th. Rosberg also pits. He's 9th just in front of Jenson. Lewis asks if his pace is good and he's told it's good enough. Oooh right, it's Bono now 💜 hi baby Bono nice to hear you!

On lap 19 Webber pits again. He was losing a lot of time behind Jenson. At the moment it's Sutil in the lead, Seb being 1.5 seconds behind, but Massa is half a second behind him and attacking, with Alonso still only half a second away too. And Alonso pits. He's out behind the Mercedes. Jenson pits. Sutil is called in. Seb also pits. Sutil is still ahead. And Alonso goes past Sutil! It's messy I don't know what the order is anymore.

Massa is leading. Then it's Raikkonen and ten seconds behind Lewis, Rosberg, Alonso and so Sutil and Seb. Seb overtakes Sutil. Webber overtook Perez and he's now P10. Massa pits and he's out behind Sutil. That didn't go well for him. Anyway Lewis is P2 then. Seb is closing on Alonso and rain is announced. Oh. Maldonado is beached in the gravel. It's over for him. Alonso is also catching Rosberg… oh? Rosberg just pulled over? What happened to him… It means Alonso is up in P3. Massa is trying to overtake Sutil. The public is putting raincoats on. Alonso is only 2 seconds away from Lewis. It is drizzling. Lewis is told to push but he answers this is as fast as he can go at the moment. That gap is already down to half a second. He defends but it won't be enough. Lewis asks if Alonso is on a three stop strategy. Bono answers yes but they still want to keep him behind. He's defending like a lion it's fucking crazy. HE LOCKS UP BUT HE STILL MAINTAINS POSITION jesus it's tense. Aaah Alonso got past and now Seb is right there behind him as well. But Lewis pits! There's 26 laps to go. He's out in P7, in front of Webber. And Raikkonen finally pits. He's out in P5 behind Massa. Lewis says his tyres won't last to the end at this pace. Now we have Alonso in the lead, 4.8 seconds ahead of Seb, 3 seconds ahead of Sutil, 1.1 seconds ahead of Massa, 5 seconds ahead of Raikkonen, a staggering 12.5 seconds ahead of Lewis. This is not looking good.

Seb pits. He's behind Lewis. Jenson pits. Grosjean pits. Massa is only one second behind Seb and he sets the fastest lap. Webber pits. Seb is swooping on Lewis. Alonso pits. He's out in P3 behind Raikkonen. Seb overtakes Lewis. Sutil is back in the lead but he has to stop again. Massa overtakes Lewis.

Rosberg says his DNF was an electronic problem, he says there's graining and the conditions out there are really unusual.

Ricciardo retires. Alonso is coming back at Raikkonen on pure pace. Lewis is told to move to plan B. Webber overtakes Di Resta for P8. Lewis pits again?! He's out in 6th some 25 seconds off Massa. Raikkonen overtakes Sutil for the lead. Alonso overtakes Sutil for P2. Sutil pits, he's out in fifth so ahead of Lewis, in that big gap. Bianchi is told there's very light rain on the radar. 8 laps to go. Oh wait.

Remember at some point I said Sutil got into a fight in a Chinese club and got condemned in court for it? Apparently Lewis was there and it ended their friendship.

Anyway that's gossip. Lewis is fighting Sutil. It's so close. And it's done! Now Webber overtakes Sutil. 5 laps to go.

And it's the end of the race.

Raikkonen wins. Alonso P2, Seb P3. Lewis P5.

Sorry, as I said, that's all I have for this GP. No gifs this time.

#f1 #lewis hamilton #vro0m's race reviews #2013 #2013 australian gp

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racingliners · 5 months

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F1 Re-Watch 2013: Round 15 - Japan

I swear I'm going to finish this before the 2024 season starts

The festive season just happened and we are now weeks away from the first launch of the 2024 cars (which bruh what is the passing of time).

So I'm keeping my pre-race blurb to a minimum, which is fine because apart from Seb winning and I think Grosjean briefly leading the race, I don't remember much.

the massive "We <3 Seb" banner in the grandstands 🥺

Okay: starting grid overview! Webber on pole, Seb P2. A win for the Martian girlies (gn). Lewis P3, Alonso P8, Jenson P10 and Jev P17

the Bernie hand puppets dvhfdjbvhfdbhsfjbhf

All bar Ricciardo and Pic starting on the mediums as opposed to the hards. (Though again this was in ye olden days when the Top 10 had to start on their quali tyre)

[Formation Lap]: oooh thermal tyre cam

and the mad dash of mechanics and engineers back to the garages

god I get whiplash now seeing Domenicali on the Ferrari garage now even though I know he was TP at that point. Safe to say I'm not enjoying him as F1 CEO

A wild Sam Bird sighting next to Ross Brawn (back when he was a Merc development driver)

cars lining up on the grid, here we goooooo

[Start/Lap 1]: Not Grosjean taking the lead way before turn 1

aaaaaaand backmarker nonsense at turn 1

nooooooo Lewis dropping down the grid

oh god Seb's saying he might have front wing damage, if him and Lewis made contact is2g

[Lap 2]: Right, top 5 is Grosjean, Webber, Seb, Rosberg and Massa

and Jenson is clinging onto P10, woo!

yup, Lewis had a rear right puncture, and now the rest of the carcass has come off 😭😭😭

He stops for the hards and his now plum last

[Lap 3]: rest of the race be nice to me PLEASE

I think the main reason why I don't remember much of this race is bc I would have watched it at my friends house bc she had Sky so it would have been 5 or 6am 🥲

argh, start reply and there's the tiniest bit of contact between Seb and Lewis but it was enough to give Lewis a puncture. pain.

[Lap 4]: And a Grosjean fastest lap for funsies

damn, Bono outright saying over the radio what Lap Lewis is pitting on, that never happens but I guess bc he wasn't in contention for the win at this point trying to hide strategy doesn't matter

[Lap 5]: Respectfully Brundle I don't want to hear you try and figure out what Seb's doing, let him cook.

Oh Lewis has floor damage too fml.

[Lap 7]: For once, Seb has listened to Rocky and has dropped to 2 seconds behind Mark

Also Jenson out of the points as Raikkonen takes P10 😭

Apart from Seb this race is currently an attack on me personally

[Lap 8]: and there's Massa being told to let Alonso by

Lewis in the pits to retire the car 😭😭😭

[Lap 9]: Jenson pits for hards, it's stupidly early so he's probably going to be on a three stop

[Lap 10]: a few other cars are pitting as well so it's probably going to be a three stop race

"Engine 21, engine 2-1" I'm having Malaysia flashbacks (that was Mark's engineer Simon Rennie)

[Lap 12]: And in pits Webber! Most likely for hards

"Button's really flying along nicely!" INJECT IT!!

and slowly the race starts to turn round for me

JENSON FASTEST LAP! STOP THE COUNT!!

I've never said anything bad about F1 ever I swear

[Lap 13]: and Grosjean pits form the lead, also for hard tyres. He also comes out ahead of Webber

so WOO Seb in the lead!

oops, Rosberg had an unsafe release. Mercedes' not good quite bad 2013 Japanese GP

[Lap 14]: "When is Vettel going to come in?" Ted sounding very concerned for Seb's strategy.

[Lap 15]: Ah, and in he pits! He also has hards on and has come out in P3

"He's having quite a scruffy afternoon." The fact that Seb being in P3 and going wide once and having one lock up shown on camera counts as scruffy is frankly hilarious. That's how good he was in 2013

(that's my goat!!!!)

Also drive through pen for Rosberg. Merc's very bad rather terrible 2013 Japanese GP.

(when was the last time we saw a drive through pen be used in current F1 btw???? It feels like forever)

[Lap 16]: Seb being 4 tenths faster than Grosjean and Mark in one sector alone, this is the good place

[Lap 17]: A Seb fastest lap 🥰

[Lap 18]: What is a polar bear (Ricciardo in a Toro Rosso) doing in Arlington, Texas? (P4)

ohhhhh he hasn't stopped yet nvm

[Lap 19]: There is a queue of at least three cars behind him however

[Lap 20]: Alonso gets past Massa, but the Ricciardo train has now gained another few cars

It goes all the way down to 10th djbhdfjbhfxb

WHAT THE FUCK Hulkenberg went down the inside of 130R and made it stick.

[Lap 21]: And Alonso gets past him on the main straight.

[Lap 23]: "Multi 3, Multi 3" What does it mean what does it all mean????

I legit hear multi-anything and my eye twitches

[Lap 24]: And a Webber fastest lap! he's either prepping for his second stop or also got triggered by the word multi and bolted

also also, Seb has to make it lap 33 to make the 2 stop strategy work

FUCK Jenson had a slow stop

When does Seb take the race lead and keep it I need it now

[Lap 25]: Like the way Grosjean is still leading and it being pretty much legit, wild

A JEV FASTEST LAP?????

Well thank you racing gods

[Lap 26]: And Mark makes his second stop bang in the middle of the pit window

[Lap 27]: Seb being told he's racing Grosjean and not Mark, inch resting

and it sounds like Lotus are trying to stretch his strategy out to the 2 stop

[Lap 28]: the gap between Seb and Romain is now 1.5 seconds 👀

"Put pressure on Grosjean" Bastard Seb about to be unleashed

[Lap 30]: and in comes Grosjean for I assume is his final stop. He takes on another set of hards and comes out in P3

[Lap 31]: Seb needs to eek out a tiny bit of lap time to have a pit stop gap over Romain, which will be slightly difficult since Grosjean is on the new set of tyres

oh god not Perez having a slow stop too. McLaren be suffering

[Lap 32]: and Ricciardo nets us our third drive through penalty of the race for leaving the track and gaining an advantage.

I've seen more drive through pens in this race than I have in the past 5 years

[Lap 33]: and now everyone bar Rosberg, Vergne and Pic is on the hard tyres

[Lap 34]: Massa gets the fourth drive through pen of the day for speeding in the pitlane

somehow my Grandma will get a drive through pen despite being 91 and not having a driving licence

[Lap 36]: Seb apparently has a new set of mediums left, interesting.gif

and his gap to Grosjean is still around 20 seconds when he needs 22 in theory, but if he's going to be on the faster and fresher tyre on the end he maybe doesn't need to have a pit stop gap to him

[Lap 37]: And Seb pits!

He takes on another set of hards and comes out in third.

"That's Grosjean in front of you, go and get him." Okay now we're going to unlock bastard Seb. Cheers Rocky.

[Lap 38]: Haven't done a top 5 overview in ages: it's Webber, Grosjean, Seb, Hulkenberg and Alonso

What is a polar bear (Hulkenberg in a Sauber) doing in Arlington, Texas? (P4)

[Lap 40]: Seb is 6 tenths behind Grosjean, with a fastest lap to boot

*jaws music plays in the background*

[Lap 41]: And Seb takes P2 on the main straight!!!!

He is 14 seconds behind Mark who still needs to stop

[Lap 42]: Meanwhile Jenson has made his final stop and is back out in 14th place 🥲

[Lap 43]: Aaaaaand in comes Mark for his final pit stop

ooh for the medium tyres! and he comes out in third place

meanwhile Jenson overtakes Sutil for... P13

so the top 5 is now: Seb, Grosjean, Webber, Hulkenberg and Alonso

ouch, Perez got a rear puncture from contact with Rosberg

[Lap 45]: Webber fastest lap

He's about 5 and a bit seconds behind Seb 👀

[Lap 46]: Alonso gets past Hulkenberg for P4!!

[Lap 47]: Grosjean barely staying in P2 going into turn 1

[Lap 48]: And still Grosjean is ahead going into the first corner

[Lap 49]: 🚨5 laps remaining klaxon!!🚨

and, you guessed it, Grosjean is still in P2. Mark just isn't getting the traction he need out of the final chicane to be able to overtake him on the main straight

[Lap 50]: aaaand now Grosjean and Webber are coming into traffic

1 on 1 battles are so fascinating to watch unfold when your faves aren't involved

[Lap 51]: The way Webber is literally on Grosjean's gearbox now

[Lap 52]: of course Webber took P2 driving into turn 1 for the drama.

It was a saucy move ngl.

[Lap 53]: FINAL LAP!!!

ahem, TV feed please show me my boy

(not that Gutierrez v Rosberg isn't important. I just want to see Seb)

There he is!!!!!

[Finish]: And Seb wins the Japanese GP!!!!!!!!!!! 🥳🍾

P2 - Webber, P3 - Grosjean, P4 - Alonso, P5 - Raikkonen, P6 - Hulkenberg, P7 - Gutierrez (in what was his first ever F1 points!!), P8 - Rosberg, P9 - Jenson and P10 - Massa

Well that was a bit of a slow burn race, but it was really fun to see the 2 stop vs the 3 stop play out and have a proper on track battle between the top 3 cars.

Next race - India 🥹

#F1 re watch #f1 2013 re watch

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ummick · 3 years

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Navigating This Blog:

Firstly, please remember that my tagging system is for my use. I'm very happy when my blogs help people find stuff! But their first function is to help me find stuff. <3 1. If you’re looking for a specific race, the tag format is [location] [year]. For example, #monaco 2021 or #saudi arabia 2022. -> Azerbaijan is listed as Baku. -> Countries with multiple races will be tagged as both the country and track (for example, Spain and Valencia/Jerez/Barcelona, Germany and Hockenheim/Nurburg). -> Where possible, days are also tagged. So, for example, #mexico 2022 thursday. 2. If you’re looking for just a specific year, the format is either #flashback fic ref [year] or #fic ref [year]. #flashback fic ref is any year before 2021. #fic ref is for 2021 onward. 3. If you’re looking for just a specific track, that’s tagged too! Just search the country. 4. On a quest for other racing-related content but not from F1 race weekends, you say? -> Pre-season and post-season tags! For example, #pre-season 2021 or #post-season 2022. -> Testing, specifically, is also tagged! The format is testing [year], like #testing 2022. 5. Things he does in his capacity as an F1 driver, but not strictly racing-related? -> The FIA gala is listed under both “fia gala” and “fia prize giving”. For example, #fia gala 2018. -> Charity soccer matches! Partita del Cuore / Champions For Charity 6. And, of course, non-racing-related content: -> The format is [year] not a race. For example, #2017 not a race. -> If you’d like a specific time period during a season, it’s separated by what races it fell between. For example, #between japan and usa 2022. -> Summer break 2022 7. Feeder series! -> F4 -> F3 (all) / F3 2017 / F3 2018 -> F2 (all) / F2 2019 / F2 2020 8. All under-18 content is tagged as #childhood photos. 9. Relationships (not taking requests to add to this): -> Michael -> Smick / With Seb (underage) -> Lewis Hamilton -> George Russell 10. Important! On the website version of Tumblr, you can combine search items. This is immensely helpful for finding specific things! -> So, for example, if you open search and type in "britain 2022, smick" it’ll only pull up Smick pics from the British GP. :) -> Or “testing 2022, barcelona” 11. Trigger tags I commonly use: * These are either for my use or by request and are not up for discussion or debate. If you need something added, please drop me a dm or ask to let me know. 💖 -> #tw max (verstappen) -> #tw transphobe (webber) -> #tw nico (rosberg) -> #tw kimi (raikkonen) -> #tw bernie ecclestone -> #tw helmut marko -> #tw christian horner -> #tw dietrich mateschitz -> #tw nikita mazepin -> #tw crash -> #tw death -> #tw body perception -> #tw food / #cw food This is a pretty exhaustive list, but if you need help or are confused, feel free to contact me! <3

#navigation #personal

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praphit · 2 years

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Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everybody!

The start of this year was similar to that of the mini-series “WandaVision”

(my runner-up show of the year)

We were all wounded by 2020, so we kinda locked into some delusional hopes for 2021. It was cute.

Eventually, things seemed suspicious, like plans weren’t going to go forward as we had hoped.

(Olson, my actress of the year)

Then, we chose our sides, and wanted (and still want) to fight each other.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of reasons to want to fight.

Virus (best movie with symbiotes in it).

Our climate ( in more ways than one).

She was actually made free! But, there are “Free Britney Activists” in the world now, so... I guess now they’ll devote their time to freeing ALL of the Britney’s of the world.

Rich white people doing rich white people things.

The machines path to inevitably taking over.

The list goes on and on...

It didn’t take us long to give into fear and hate did it?

But, I don’t want to focus on that right now. Let’s celebrate some of the moments of 2021 that put smiles on our faces.

ADELE CAME BACK!-

To make us emotional... for now... though I’m certain she’ll abandon us for another 3 to 5 years, only to make us emotional again (lather, rinse, repeat) It’s a weird relationship we have with her isn’t it?

(my runner-up Album of the Year)

Mac & Cheese Ice Cream!

Yep :- /

Bernie Sanders, as always, making it cool to be old and crotchety.

I put out new music. Yesir!

(a taste)

(more than a taste)

(My Album of the Year. You might be saying “How can you give yourself your own award?”

I do whatever the hell I want :) Don’t hate cuz my tunes make the kids feel :)

PAUL RUDD became 2021′s sexiest man alive.

I can see that...

It’s not so much a Michael B Jordan type of sexiness, but more of a... a man watching the kids (not his) of a woman (his girlfriend... sure) who’s out partying tonight... with her guy-friend (totally not a date). And even though she won’t be back until the next morning (late morning), he trusts her.

- that type of sexiness, I can see that for sure :)

Silk Sonic (my Sexiest Album of the Year Award). Even this pic is oozing with sensuality.

If you don’t believe that music alone could get someone pregnant, just take a listen, and you will.

“I Think You Should Leave” season 2

(Tim Robinson is def my Funny Person of the Year)

LUBIN TOOBIN IS BACK!

For all of you perverts out there who have been longing for the day you can do what he did, and have it be no big deal... that day came this year. Congrats.

The 2021 Olympics!

As always, giving us reasons to cheer and to simultaneously cringe.

Cash in the walls!

Times have been tough for everyone, including churches. But, God, apparently, “blessed” Joel Osteen with gobs of money in the walls of his church.

I’m not making that up! Hey, preachers, pick yourselves up a sledgehammer and try your faith.

The Washington Football Team scandal (and no real punishment in sight).

You might be asking how this could be a good thing? Well, it’s not. It’s a truly horrible thing (it’s worth looking up if you haven’t heard). BUT, if you’re as rich and powerful as the owners of the NFL are, then this story might give you a smile of relief. Finally, a win for the rich,abusive, white guys out there.

And... this - Ye (my Artist of the Year), DaBaby, and Marilyn Manson? - on stage with each other? Mac & Cheese Ice Cream was more predictable.

It has to be the work of the same god who put money in Joel Osteen’s walls that made that happen.

We can’t reflect only on the good. We must learn from difficulties and battles of 2021 as well, right??

We learned that dragons ARE real!

... and that no matter how slip... sorry, wrong pic

We learned that dragons ARE real! And that no matter how slippery they can be, with diligence and some hocus pocus on your side, they can be slayed.

(”Shang-Chi”, btw, my Personal Fave Flick of the Year - don’t argue with me)

Lil Nas X’s “Montero”!

The music is NOT the bad thing. I liked most it (though if you listen to the lyrics of some songs, he seems sad)! I like him as an artist. I like his style, and his videos. I, for one, salute his marketing strategy in 2021.

I just can’t get the imagery of someone twerking on the lap of a seemingly bored Satan, out of my mind. The devil doesn’t look like he’s having any fun does he?

And our kids are going to imitate this art. I don’t know if any of the parenting books out there prepare parents for kids shaking it in front of Satan, and then putting blood in their shoes.

“MALIGNANT” - my Comedy of the Year

“Why?” “How?” If you watch the 3rd act of this movie, then you’ll know.

VAGINA CANDLES ARE EXPLODING!

A real story and a real problem!

Dr. Seuss... racist as shit!

TOM BRADY (my Athlete of the Year)

- proving that unlike Bernie Sanders, one is not doomed to being cold and lovably irritable when they get old. Sometimes, when you get old, you when another Super Bowl ring.

The Weeknd was lost and confused.

.... as were many, who started wondering, if the cult rumors were true with this performance. I dug it though:)

There has been an increase of conspiracy theories that certain artists, including The Weeknd, are conjuring spirits and portals to Hell during their performances.

Obviously, that’s nutty. But... nothing would surprise me after the last couple of years.

Perhaps the end of all things will kickoff during an Olivia Rodrigo concert.

And lastly, we learned a lot from “Squid Game” (my Show of the Year)

Probably not as much as we should have learned from it, but more to never play “Red Light, Green Light” ever again.

(the old man, btw, my Actor of the Year ---- which doesn’t make much sense, only that I loved that character.)

2021 Praphie Award goes to -

Willem Dafoe!

This is completely an inside joke that’s not worth explaining, but imagine this fine actor selling products such as:

“Willem Dafoe’s Sauerkraut Juice”

“Willem Dafoe’s Homemade Breast Milk”

“ Willem Dafoe’s Half-Eaten Apple Pies”

“Willem Dafoe’s Sexy-Parts Trimmer”

I want to publicly thank Willem Dafoe for all of the laughter he’s given me and my colleagues in 2021.

The more this face can sell, the better off we’ll all be.

Last Year’s Slogan to live by:

“If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t return to you, hunt it down, and kill it.”

This saying was truly inspirational.

2022′s slogan shall be:

“Recently, I made a promise to myself that the next time I got a boyfriend, I’d be on the lookout for red flags. And if I saw any, I would do the healthy thing and I would murder him.” ~ Harley Quinn (”Suicide Squad 2″)

I think there’s a lot of wisdom there, people.

Meditate upon it, build healthy relationships, have fun, stop overreacting, and ENJOY THE COMING OF 2022.... oh, and don’t look up.

Much love!

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formulinos · 3 years

Text

Hyperfixation Corner | The 2005 United States Grand Prix, or How Far Do Rivalries Go in Formula 1

I’ll tell you a story, not so long ago. This is a write-up of the technical and political aspects that led to the infamous “Tyregate” that took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. To make it more comfortable, I split it in 5 parts after the cut:

part 1: the context behind the scenes part 2: the 2005 formula 1 season (so far) part 3: the indianapolis motor speedway part 4: the 2005 united states grand prix part 5: the aftermath

So, get comfortable and hop in! (disclaimer: yes, there are more professional texts and videos on this. but i also worked on this really hard and tried to give some technical explanations according to what I try to learn in uni every day, so please, will you just read and reminisce with me?)

PART 1: THE CONTEXT BEHIND THE SCENES

2004 was a very busy year: the Cassini probe took the first pics of Saturn’s rings, Motorola released the cultural icon cellphone RAZR V3 and Shrek 2 dethroned Citizen Kane as the greatest movie of all time. Most importantly for us, Ferrari was shaping up to break F1 records with their 14th constructor’s championship while their #1 dilf driver Michael Schumacher got his 7th (taking 16 years for another man to even come close to him both in WCCs and dilfism).

That was very cool and fun for me, an 8-year-old. But for the big wigs at Formula 1, it was boring and dumb and they hate dilfs, so they needed to make something about it. Under the guise of “bringing the grid closer to one another to make sure the sport remains competitive and therefore, entertaining,” the technical regulations were certain to get tweaked. Now, there is a number of ways they could fuck around and find out and we’ve seen that over the years with a lot of #choices, but their masterstroke for the 2005 season would be their tyre bullshit.

QUICK TECHNICAL BREAK

Back in 1998, the FIA had reintroduced grooved tyres as mandatory for races. These are the ones we see day-to-day on common vehicles because the patterns on their surface - the slits and how they’re distributed - are able to deal well with rain, inundations, etc and evacuate water, what explains why wet-weather tyres in F1 aren't slicks.

Grooves, however, mean that there is less contact surface between the rubber and the road. For a regular road driver, this means nothing as we’re not supposed to go beyond 120 km/h on the street anyway and therefore, we don’t need specific stuff. If anything, we need a tyre as adaptable as possible since we’re not supposed to change tyres every other week. However, the amount of rubber that touches the road (aka the “contact patch”) determines the grip, and that translates in speed. The more grip you have, the faster you can go both in safety terms and in physics terms - the tyres will be able to respond to the acceleration you give it. Thus, for the Fastest Cars In The World™, grooved tyres meant that they would have to slow down one way or another.

END OF TECHNICAL BREAK 1

If that only stopped there, then maybe the FIA would have been sexy and the girls would have wanted to hook up with them, but they didn’t. So, they got lost in the sauce and the teams got lost in the game (that is a whole post of its own). Since grooved tyres made no difference in creating competition between the teams, for the 2005 season, they decided that tyres couldn’t be changed during a pit stop.

Not only that, but the same tyres that were used during qualis would have to handle the entire race, which basically meant one set had to be hard as all fuck to be able to last through Saturday and Sunday. Like, you just know Bernie Ecclestone and that nazi bitch Max M*sley were on that cocaine high that makes you think you are invincible when they came up with that. What the fuck. Cycle paths.

PART 2: THE 2005 FORMULA ONE SEASON (SO FAR)

Up to the task of dealing with that mess were Bridgestone and Michelin, the two tyre suppliers. Michelin were hooking up with everyone: BAR-Honda, Renault, Williams, Toyota, McLaren, Sauber and the debutants, Red Bull. Bridgestone, however, kept it more niche-y and cute with only three teams: Ferrari, Jordan and Minardi. I mean, they already had the main girl. The prom queen. What did they need anymore? Turns out, making decent tyres apparently.

The Ferrari season was a mess and, even with decent aero and a nice engine, their race pace was way off in comparison to the Michelin tyres. The Scuderia weren’t 100% blaming it on their tyre supplier yet - but we all knew they were because in May, their then president Luca Di Montezemolo had said: “It’s more of a world championship for tyres than for cars. We have a very competitive car but we have a big problem with the tyres.” The two other Bridgestone customers suffered greatly too, ending the season in the bottom two positions. Out of 19 Grand Prix, only 3 had a Bridgestone fastest lap, 10 out of 57 possible podium appearances and one single win (guess which one. go ahead). It would have been overall a brilliant year for Michelin, if it wasn't for that pesky...

PART 3: THE INDIANAPOLIS MOTOR SPEEDWAY

The Indianapolis Motor Speedway is probably the most relevant track in the United States. It holds the Indy 500 race on memorial day, the Americans go wild over it, whatever. Back in 2000, track owner Tony George decided it was time to put some Freedom back on the F1 calendar for the first time in 9 years and tbf, the idea was good. F1 had never properly broken into the motorsport overcrowded US market but the feats of big names like Mikey S and Mika H had them curious. Put that together with the infamy of the IMS and you could hit the jackpot.

Indeed, jackpot they did. The track (with the proper adaptations for grade one standards) was a major hit. There was some flavour too, as part of it merged with the outer oval from the exit of turn 12 right through the finishing line, passing by the well inclined turn 13 (9˚11’. that’s hot come on). With a contract lasting until 2007 and the success of this F1 venture alongside the other major competitions, the IMS administration felt secure to their first track resurfacing project in 30 years.

QUICK TECHNICAL BREAK (AGAIN)

It might sound weird, but sometimes, to make a road…. you have to break it [david caruso csi miami gif here]. So, track resurfacing consists of removing the pavement that is already set and replacing it with a new one. The substitution is a way of dealing with degradation caused over the years by a bunch of high performance cars going about at bizarre speeds and, most importantly, the weather.

When it comes to engineering, a major point of concern is the dilation and contraction of materials. If something decreases in temperature, then its dimensions will follow suit and it will get smaller. Similarly, if something gets hotter, it gets bigger (which is why I am so thicc). Elasticity means that your material can afford to suffer stress (like hotter-bigger-colder-smaller) without significant damage and it will return to its normal like it’s no biggie even if these cycles are relatively fast. Asphalt, however, as well designed it is to handle that, no it isn’t <3 and therefore, it cracks over time (like my stretch marks). IMS in particular suffers a lot of this due to the freeze-thawing nature of Indiana winter: things freeze and get defrosted very quickly and that leads to the quicker appearance of cracks.

The strategy used by the good people at IMS was: let’s get some smooth asphalt so we can make sure the surface will suffer less degradation and therefore last longer. While we’re at it, let’s diamond grind that bitch so that it gorilla grips those tyres when necessary. Diamond grinding consists in flattening the laid asphalt with diamond saw blades, smoothing the surface to the naked eye. However, If you look closely, there are very small vertical grooves, closely done to one another, that just like the tyres, allow the track to be usable in wet conditions and increases friction when necessary. You can actually see the results of this process on the IMS in the next gif courtesy of Martin Brundle’s gridwalk:

END OF QUICK TECHNICAL BREAK

PART 4: THE 2005 UNITED STATES GRAND PRIX

We’re finally in June 2005. At this point, it was clear that Michelin was that bitch and that someone in Bridgestone was going to get fired. The struggle that Ferrari was in + the expectation of a battle between Fernando Alonso and Kimi Räikkönen meant that people were frothing for that sweet grand prix at the brand new asphalted IMS. Nothing like a good all-american weekend in Indiana with 100k fans holding cans of beers in their hands huh.

Track resurfacing meant that both tyre manufacturers were, of course, super attentive to how they’re supposed to set up the tyres for the teams, as we saw this year at the Turkish Grand Prix (🤡). A key piece of information you need to know is that Bridgestone wasn’t limited to F1 in motorsports, since their baby brand Firestone had stuck their claws pretty deep in IndyCar as their sole supplier since 1999.

Indy 500, as i already said before, takes place in Memorial Day weekend, aka the last weekend of May. Before the race itself, teams spend the whole month doing a series of tests just to make sure every single g-spot will be hit when the time comes and in 2005, they even had extra testing due to the resurfacing. This all leads to Firestone knowing all about how and where and when and why tyres got worn out on the track and giving Bridgestone the tea so that they could set up their tyres to handle the diamond ground asphalt.

Now, I don’t even think that Bridgestone were wrong either in using the data that was rightfully theirs. If anything FIA were the ones caught slipping in this by not closing the loophole that wasn’t even very loopy to begin with. But Michelin, to be fair, didn’t have the extensive scoop that Bridgestone did. They did, however, had two eyes and they could have easily seen the indy practices and thought “hm. i could learn something from this”. bUt ThEy DiDN’t.

Friday comes, everyone is hyped, things look great and…. Ricardo Zonta suffers an incident. Right after that, on the same day, Ralf Schumacher crashes. Hard. Crashes happen often and in fact, Ralfie had done it in the same turn the year prior - he got super pissed over this. This time though, both major incidents in the practice sessions happened to the same team, Toyota. They look it up hard, but there’s nothing to conclude besides a left-rear tyre failure in both cases.

Michelin tries to point the finger back at them and say that they’re the ones who bottled the air pressure, but once other Michelin teams start displaying the same sort of vertical tyre degradation that Jarno Trulli (the last standing Toyota car) did, the vibe was officially off. Their factory crew started running tests on the US GP batch to verify if there was some sort of production issue while F1 teams got the Spanish GP sets as a precaution manoeuvre. This was useless, as they turned out to have the same bloody issues.

On the next day, the Michelin representatives sent FIA's Charlie Whiting their conclusions. It went somewhat like this:

Basically, they found out that it wasn’t a batch issue after all. The friction between the tyres and the diamond ground asphalt together with the extra load in the y-axis due to the track banking meant that the tyre sidewall was compromised and that Michelin was in fact, a bitch. From that point onwards, the discussion rested on what could be done to ensure that the Grand Prix would still take place.

The first recommendations Michelin sent out were for teams to attempt to wear their tyres out as least as possible: run fewer laps on practices and qualis, go easy on fuel and try to keep the pressure right up. The cars were pushing themselves to work in the limit so that they could still go through the whole weekend and that sidewall was still getting damaged, girl! Damaged! Also, somehow in all of this a Toyota still managed to get pole position while the Ferraris were in P5 and P7 with their cool Bridgestone tyres, like, did you need to get embarrazzed like that for what. There are 7 teams that are as good as done and the other 2 are nearly bankrupt anyway. Get yourself together.

Ron Dennis got a private jet for some Michelin engineers to take a few sets of tyres to their factory in France where they spent all day and night working on them, to no avail. After much discussion between Whiting, the Michelin folks and the teams, they all decided they would sort this out… on Sunday morning. I hate men. By that point, it was already clear that the FIA and the teams had different proposals:

1) Creation of a chicane at turn 13 (teams): a tyre chicane would be set up at the heat of the action in order to reduce the load and speeds while still keeping all teams at playing level and avoiding accidents caused by people brake checking each other. This was basically a compromise accepted by the majority of the teams but not by the FIA, who believed that it was too late to fuck around with the track and its homologation.

2) Slowing down (FIA): sincerely, I shan’t comment! FIA and FOM really said “just go slower <3” to the Michelin teams. This is me reading this:

3) Creating an exception to penalties (teams): maybe tyregate (or whatever you’d like to call it) wouldn’t have been that bad if just two races prior to it, at the European Grand Prix, Kimi Räikkönen hadn’t lost a win on the last lap when the tyre he had flat spotted and wasn’t allowed to replace gave in. Considering that, someone tried to suggest that specifically for this race that the rule would be voided and that tyres could be replaced as they pleased OR that they got new spec tyres. The FIA’s response? “What if you do that and then we subject you to the penalties anyway? <3”. Which leads us to:

4) An unofficial Grand Prix (teams): first, logically, they proposed to reschedule the GP, opposed by the FIA because they were there. then they proposed again some of these previous options and the FIA threatened to remove themselves out of the narrative if they did that. Teams were like “cool, so what do we need you anyway?” and started to discuss amongst themselves the possibility of replacing the FIA officials with other capacitated personnel, going as far as throwing names to substitute Charlie Whiting and our Safety Car King, Bernd Mayländer. Once they got wind of this, Bernie and Max were full on hoes mad territory. Threats were thrown, friendships got hurt and I think Tony George legit was thinking about selling IMS at this point.

I feel that I need to emphasize two things at this point:

Michelin were down for anything that meant that those tyres would remain calm and, most importantly, they wouldn't get sued because American law stated that if anything happened from that point onwards, it was on them. They were just randomly shouting anything at Charlie Whiting’s face, who sincerely was like [Cartman voice] “screw you guys, I’m going home”. This was an old man and he wasn’t paid enough for this shit tbh.

The drivers’ stance wasn’t that relevant. They weren’t capable of setting their feet on the ground and demanding stuff like we’d expect them too, but teams were in deep and in the majority committed to find an agreement. EXCEPT FOR ONE

Remember how the regs had been changed because Ferrari were that bitch? Well, Ferrari also happens to have clout in the form of a veto as established by the Concorde Agreement. They don’t use that often though, not because they want to keep things democratic, but because they want to be able to rub in other people’s faces when they need to get back and get even. The time had come, and they were the sole thing standing between saving the US Grand Prix.

Naturally, they chose violence and said “well, this is unfair to us, the teams that actually had the sense of choosing a decent, professional tyre company for this year, so we would like to race normally, thanks :)”. Minardi and Jordan were like “but we also chose Bridgestone and we still agree with the Michelin gang,” to which Ferrari replied “do we look like we give a single droplet of a fuq?”. When it came to the drivers, Barrichello and Schumacher actually attended some of the meetings but aligned with Ferrari’s views and said that they would do as established by Jean Todt, their TP, who was busy being petty.

note: I would also like to highlight that Schumi was one of the GPDA directors back then and had previously attempted to rally the drivers to race under yellow flag conditions during the first two chicanes of the Italian GP of 2001. His motivations were: 9/11 (that had happened earlier that week), the passing of a track marshall during a practice session one year before at Monza and the serious accident of former F1 driver Alex Zanardi that had also happened recently. Jacques Villeneuve refused to agree and, later on, Flavio Briatore threatened his drivers with serious repercussions in case they also slowed down. Sadly enough, there was a lap 1 incident with one of the Renaults and Michael never forgot Villeneuve and Briatore’s actions. We’ll get back to it shortly.

Bernie Ecclestone and Max Mosley “attempted” to negotiate super hard with Jean Todt, but there was nothing really to negotiate as they were all in agreement that everyone else could go fuck themselves. Apparently Flavio Briatore tried to convince them only for it to backfire on his face. I don’t feel bad tbh he even abandoned the kid he had with Heidi Klum. Scummy man. After much discussion, many threats and a lil bit of pizzazz, the decision was that all drivers would line up for the formation lap, but at the end of it the Michelin teams would get back into the pit lane, while the Bridgestones would race. The drivers’ reactions during the grid formation says it all:

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jenson Button so upset in my life tbh

note 2: A particularly amusing thing about that was that Kimi and Fernando were having a one sided Mexican standoff as, since they were fighting for the championship, the orders were that if one of them decided to ignore the deal, the other one would have to do the same. Kimi was ahead in the grid and probably didn’t give two shits, but Fernando was genuinely tense.

During all of that, no one had bothered telling the 100k+ fans that were there in Indianapolis that the race would basically not happen. Naturally, when 14 cars headed back to the pit lane, people got a bit miffed. You could hear booing all through the race (more muffled after a while since the grand majority of the crowd just left after all of that) and at some point Whiting was genuinely concerned he would have to call it off anyway due to the beer cans and water bottles being thrown in the track. People were livid, there were posters calling for the FIA and Michelin’s heads everywhere, it was a mess.

PART 5: THE AFTERMATH

Well, the race itself wasn’t really eventful. Michael Schumacher and Rubens Barrichello still tried to pull some shit after a pit lane exit, but Ferrari won in a one-two (their only win of the season). The Jordans got lapped once and the Minardis twice, so that must have been fun to the masochists that stuck around. Particularly speaking, my favourite part was the pettiness of one of the Ferrari radios:

If the crowd reception was warm during the race, the podium was even better. The only person who genuinely celebrated was Jordan's Tiago Monteiro, since it was the first time a Portuguese driver had reached the podium. He celebrated hard though, didn’t give a single fuck and tbh? I stan. Not my problem either.

The following days were filled with accusations thrown from every single side. Ironically enough, the most comprehensive account of everything was released by Paul Stoddart, the Minardi team owner, on June 22nd. The FIA summoned all teams and Michelin for a meeting, discussion came and went but the damage had been done. The attendees were offered compensation for their tickets by Michelin, who also gave away 20k tickets for next year’s GP. Besides that, attendees were also offered free tix to the Champ Car World Series Grand Prix of Cleveland that took place the following week, but that wasn’t relevant.

F1’s reputation in the US was tarnished and the IMS decided not to renew their contract after 2007, taking another 5 years for a Grand Prix to return to the United States at the Circuit of the Americas (note: i don’t get why they call it that when Interlagos is the superior American track). The grooves (hah! full circle biitch!) had also been created in Michelin’s relationship with F1 and they also withdrew their participation from 2007 onwards. Max Mosley still managed to get reelected as FIA president in 2005, but then in 2008 he got caught in an orgy kinning a Nazi and his days were counted after it after pics got leaked to british tabloids (by one of the thousands of enemies he had made between that and Spygate).

This was a tale of pettiness, unprofessionalism and toxic masculinity, but a tale that ended nevertheless. I would like to leave you, faithful reader that managed to stick with me until the end, with the amazing words of Michael Schumacher after the race. See you next Friday and Happy New Year!

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seblaine-rph · 3 years

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Can we talk about how Gradian might be just as bad as Joie?

If you want to tell me what brought you here with this comment, go ahead. I don’t have any insight on what their dash looks like and I assume that’s why you’re here. If @gradianvillagerp wants to take a look at the info below, they might improve their rp and grow by learning a thing or two. Remember that having a complaint lodged and/or showing you what you’ve done wrong while unaware that it was wrong is not as big of a problem as reacting poorly once you’ve been told.

Looking at their main, I see they’re 1. using a known abuser as their main mascot and 2. there are multiple problematic fcs on their masterlist. I’m confused by the fact that there are abusers on their masterlist and there is an abuser for their mascot but they have people on their banned fc list because they’re also abusers. So I guess we’re picking and choosing which abusers we like and which are triggering. I’m also seeing 3. ethnicities not matching properly for canon families. 4. They also have Kristen Stewart as an fc, even though she’s asked not to be used as an fc because roleplay makes her uncomfortable. Jensen Ackles is on the masterlist too, and he is an iffy one, just be sure that you don’t use ANYTHING that has ANYTHING to do with his family. As a convention, he said that he doesn’t mind people using his face to rp with, as long as they do not push it on his family. I haven’t looked at the page to see if there are any pics up of him with any of his family, but if family pics were used then there is a problem.

5. I also noticed that their masterlist is looking like the cast list for 50 Shades of White. There are a total of 5 people that aren’t white on the masterlist from what I can tell, and these 5 people all have very light skin. Masterlists like this make me feel like the roleplay is not at all welcoming to poc and may include subtle racist undertones. Because clearly the entire ooc masterlist prefers to write white. This is the kind of masterlist that makes me think that all of the poc are probably single because everyone’s writing their white faves and wants to ship with their other white faves. I’m not saying that is definitely what is happening, but that is what it looks like, from the eyes of someone who is not white. And this is based on many experiences. I also don’t see any transgender or nonbinary characters and the lack of diversity in general makes me sad.

That’s the short and skinny of it, I’ll drop some receipts and go into more detail down below:

Here’s a full list of what I found in just a few minutes on their main:

Cole Sprouse is their mascot and is on their masterlist. The same Cole Sprouse that has sexual abuse allegations, emotional abuse allegations, and a shit ton of privileged racism spouting out of his mouth. Alex Pettyfer is on their banned list for abuse allegations. Lea Michelle is on their banned list for being racist. But Cole is not only on the masterlist, he’s also the mascot for the main? Receipts and fuller detail on him down below, because it’d take too long to get into here and you’d never get to the rest of the problems.

Dylan Sprouse is on the masterlist. He posted a pic of a girl he dated on Instagram and the caption was “My African Queen”. The girl’s skin tone was very tan, but many would have believe she was a black woman, but here’s the thing she isn’t black and when people called Dylan out of for having his girlfriend pretend another ethnicity, he made fun of them.

FIRST POST, with a blackfishing/blackfaced, edited photo:

The second post after he got called out:

KJ Apa is on their masterlist. He is fatphobic and sexist. There’s this post where he endorses bullying people if they’re fat because it’s “the only way to stop those useless bags of shit dying a fat, early death.” He’s also posted about beer being better than women.

Vanessa Hudgens is on their masterlist. COVID is a trigger, but the girl that said, “It's a virus, I get it. Like, I respect it. But at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it, like, yeah, people are gonna die, which is terrible but, like, inevitable?" because she was mad she didn’t get to go to Coachella one time is okay to be there?

Jack Falahee is a Berry twin, twin to Rachel, but he’s not Jewish? Why are we erasing ethnicity? The only excuse to go against the Jewish ethnicity here would be by making the character half black, as per the season one storyline for Rachel’s birth, but the problem with that is that his mother would still be Jewish. So he’d still have to be half Jewish.

Kristen Stewart is on the masterlist, but she’s asked not to be used in roleplays because it makes her uncomfortable.

---------------------------------------------------

MORE ON COLE SPROUSE,

because there was too much to put in one thing:

Cole Sprouse: He believes in reverse racism and has used MLK to attempt and justify his beliefs. He’s stated,

This pseudo intellectual tone is the epitome of white privilege. As a white man not only does he not have right to define racism but to use a prominent Black activist in attempt to validate his ignorance is truly disgusting.

He also compared BLM activists to cannibalism.

In 2015, some black lives matter activists interrupted a Bernie sanders rally in Seattle to criticize his campaign for paying insufficient attention to issues of criminal justice and race. Many people had their opinions on the situations, however Cole’s one didn’t make sense but also offensive. He hasn’t apologize for this remark and as a white man, he instead chose to educate people on what activism is supposed to be.

He also posted a pretty sketchy tweet about abuse, which reads “ Don’t become so jaded by abuse that your opposition becomes abusive”. This statement holds strong victim blaming sentiment and sounds like he is claiming that his actions were opposition and not abuse which is gaslighting. It should be known also that his very public ex girlfriend has been claiming that he sexually assaulted and abused her, and she’s not the only one with claims against him.

It is also relevant to note that Cole Sprouse had this to say about a black man:

He obviously comparing a black person to an animal. Many people have said him and Tyler are actually friends and this could have been an inside joke. No. 1 if it’s an inside joke then it should’ve stayed off the internet. 2. This is the famous excuse that many people use on themselves or to defend their idols, “I’m not racist, I have black friends!!!” or “I didn’t mean it, it was a joke.” It’s just telling of his character, when you think about the other racist remarks he’s mad.

#glee rpg #glee rp #glee twin rp #glee multiples rp #town rp #rph #rpcw #sebastian answers #gradianvillagerp #Anonymous

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kendrixtermina · 4 years

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for the ship thing thoughts on claumitri and ingrid/dorothea?

ingrid/dorothea?

General:

Rate the Ship - Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs - IDK why everyone wants Ingrid to be sapphic when she’s the one (1) character who explicitly says that she’s not sapphic. Or at least, shoots down Dorothea’s flirting in the B support. I think there’s value in having a non traditionally girly character who’s still hetero, many girls who want bfs get told that they will never get one if they don’t act stereotypical and that sucks. Or you could even read her as aspec given that she’s not too interested in pairing up or being attractive, and that the Glenn thing was arranged. She can still admire him and be sad he died without necessarily having the hots for him after all they probably grew up together. Also I don’t really see the particular appeal of those 2 characters together, they don’t have that much in common and Dorothea has a bajillion better options including sapphic ones.

How long will they last? - As long as it takes Ingrid to say she’s not interested

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - I kind of see why Dorothea might think she’s hot or mistakenly assume she’s into girls as the whole tomboyish look is something ppl sometimes do to communicate that, and she probably finds something relatable about their experiences re: slimy jerks. She does indisputably kick butt and have pretty hair

How was their first kiss? - I’ve had the experience before where the other person gives it a nice, proper try but you can tell they’re not really into it

For the rest of this meme I will not be a spoilsport and entertain the thought/ try to think about what it would be like if they DID get together. It’s certainly inconceivable to read it that way, perhaps Ingrid simply wasn’t ready yet at that time/ or it was an internalized thing.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - I’m certain Dorothea explicitly tried that on screen in the paralogue XD

Who is the best man/men? - Ingrid might try bringing Sylvain, Felix or Dimitri if we’re in a timeline where he lived.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Petra or Bernie

Who did the most planning? - Dorothea

Who stressed the most? - Ingrid

How fancy was the ceremony? -Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big. Neither would be much for ostentatiousness but I think Dorothea would want a bit of romantic florish

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Their jerkish ex suitors, even if they are important nobles of [winning faction]

Sex:

Who is on top? - Definitely Ingrid

Who is the one to instigate things? - Dorothea

How healthy is their sex life? -Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? -Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head - I can’t see Ingrid being very kinky, but Dorothea might ease her into it.

How long do they normally last? - a while

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Very much so

How rough are they in bed? -Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory. Dorothea really wants to have a relationship so once she gets one she’s gonna want PDA, Ingrid will probably be more stiff and proper - but I can see how a situation where she explores this/eases into it might be interesting to read. It’s not like Ingrid is completely unromantic given all her lofty ideas about honor and how she likes these high fantasy-eque books. It’s somewhere in there

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - Would probably not have babies.

How many children will they adopt? - Dorothea canonically looks after oprphans at least in Silver Snow so now entirely unlikely like two or three

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Ingrid being the responsible one

Who is the stricter parent? - Ingrid

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Ingrid

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Dorothea

Who is the more loved parent? - Dorothea

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Ingrid

Who cried the most at graduation? - Dorothea

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Dorothea

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Ingrid

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Neither

Who does the grocery shopping? - Ingrid.

How often do they bake desserts? - Often enough. Gotta appreciate how so many people in this game heartily enjoy their nom stuff, even the girls. I think Lorenz is the only one noted as not having much of an appetite.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - This is Ingrid we’re talking about. We’re not partying until there’s a roasted stuffed pugket involved

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Hm. On the one hand Dorothea’s the romantic on the other hand Ingrid takes her obligations & loyalty seriously. But I think Dorothea would be the sort to really enjoy being the surprise-ee so let’s say Ingrid

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Dorothea

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Neither.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Both

Who is really against chores? - Neither.

Who cleans up after the pets? - Ingrid, mostly cause it’s her pets (Horses & pegasi chiefly)

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Dorothea

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Dorothea

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Ingrid. She has a jar where she collects all the spare change

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Dorothea

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Both, though probably Ingrid more often cause she likes the outdoors

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Dorothea strikes me as the decorating kind so regular

What are their goals for the relationship? - Probably to find their freedom together and also help the poor. I suppose that is something they might have in common

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Ingrid

Who plays the most pranks? - Dorothea

claumitri

General:

Rate the Ship - Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs - Sure why not? There’s nothing in particular that makes me think “Wow those would go super well together” but also nothing to the contrary. I’ve seen good fic for it. I guess they’re just the two dudes who get the most characterization and also sorta get along/interact, so there’s a lot to work with.

How long will they last? - Hm. Dimitri would strike me as someone would like to be serious and longterm about things. They would need to work out the politics first but there’s no reason why they couldn’t last

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - I’d say it wouldn’t take them that long to get started, but somewhat longer to really get to a deep level. Largely because Claude is quick to build surface friendships but slower to really show his real feelings, but also Dimitri wouldn’t necessarily realize that he’s holding something back or press the issue. It helps that they are both just likeable people tho. Dimitri is not going to pass up a chance for a heart-to heart talk. If he got through to that hidden more idealistic side of Claude I think they’d click and get something lasting going. They would definitely always have disagreements about their methods and are fairly different in how they deal with their feelings, but they both have the will to work with ppl with different opinions and build bridges.

How was their first kiss? - Claude probably quipped something about how it was surprisingly passionate. Dimitri turned into a tomato that same instant.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Dimitri

Who is the best man/men? - Dedue and either Nader or Byleth.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Not applicable. But if it were, probably Hilda and Mercedes or Flayn.

Who did the most planning? - Claude. He likes them feasts.

Who stressed the most? - Dimitri. Thankfully Claude is chill enough for both of them and knows to distract him

How fancy was the ceremony? -Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Lorenz’ and Sylvain’s jerk fathers. They might be important nobles but they’re jerks. Edelgard, Arundel and Rufus would already be dead in the AM timeline but if they weren’t they wouldn’t be invited anyways. Claude seems like might actually counteract Dimitri’s tendency to take bad treatment out of politeness. Felix might say that he won’t come but then show up anyways.Or there would be some conspiracy to kidnap him and make sure he comes. Lysithea came up with the plan and recruited Ingrid, Hilda and Sylvain to help her.

Sex:

Who is on top? - Hm. I could see either doing it. Perhaps Claude would suggest that they switch it up for novelty. But Dimitri is definitely the little spoon, despite his actual size XD

Who is the one to instigate things? - Claude

How healthy is their sex life? -Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? -Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head - The discussion would be absolutely hilarious cause Dimitri’s easily embarassed and Claude is a bit of a troll. But he wouldn’t go overboard or make Mitya uncomfortable Claude generally knows when to stop the gremlin act see that one scene with Flayn

How long do they normally last? - average but it would be pretty intense

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Not necessarily I can get either getting a kick out of just being the one administering the pleasure.

How rough are they in bed? -Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. - You’ve got one person with super strength and one with super toughness/regeneration. There is potential here.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory. Methinks Dimitri would be pretty affectionate while Claude’s certainly flirty but the genuinely vulnerable/emotional stuff would have to be in private behind closed doors

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - Perhaps Claude found some magic mpreg magic right next to where he got the magic cure for Lysithea…

How many children will they adopt? - No jokes aside Dimitri strikes me as the sort to want kids and also to make a point to choose to adopt. The people of Fodlan better get ready to get some adopted Almyran or Duscurian war orphan as their next king. Dimitri would just proudly stand by his adopted kid and Claude would handle the political fallout.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Dimitri

Who is the stricter parent? - Dimitri

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Certainly not Claude

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Dimitri

Who is the more loved parent? - Both but in different ways. Dimitri is the affectionate parent who comforts the kids when they’re upset, and Claude is the designated fun parent that you can openly talk about everything with.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - Dimitri

Who cried the most at graduation? - Dimitri cried so much

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Claude

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Claude

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Claude

Who does the grocery shopping? - Claude

How often do they bake desserts? - Probably not that often

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Claude certainly likes a good serving of nom stuff. And Dimitri’s huge, probably needs some fuel to keep functioning

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Claude strikes me as the surprise plans sort

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Claude

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Dimitri

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Not Claude. Dimitri tries but he’s clumsy

Who is really against chores? - It’d not that Claude’s against it perse he just gets distracted thinking about stiff

Who cleans up after the pets? - Claude

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Claude

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Dimitri

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Dimitri

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Claude

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - They do it together. Both like walking out in nature.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Dimitri isn’t much for decoration and Claude forgets about the holidays half the time

What are their goals for the relationship? - Just to be happy. Dimitri would want to have some separation between that and the politics - but it’s certainly helpful for the peace between the countries if the Kings are an item and they both care alot about promoting peace perhaps in slightly different but potentially complementary ways.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Claude

Who plays the most pranks? - Claude

#fe3h #three houses #fire emblem: three houses #claude von riegan #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #ingrid brandl galatea #dorothea arnault

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tebarambles · 5 years

Text

Day 3: Frost

Bernie shudders and pulls up the lapels of her coat in an attempt to fend off the cold. Holby hasn't been this icy around Christmas in years. Or maybe she is not used to these temperatures anymore after spending the better part of the past two decades in more arid regions. Either way, she should have bothered to put on a beanie, she thinks, or at least her scarf that she now realises she has left in her locker at work.

Her shift had been more stressful than she would have thought possible on a calm - boring, a scornful voice in her head interjects - ward like Keller. Two post-op patients had gone into arrest at the same time, so she had to spend her free afternoon in theatre. With only two hours left before the shops close, she left the hospital in a hurry, hence the lack of protection against frostbite.

Bernie tries to avoid the jolly crowd that is swarming around the various stands of Holby’s very own Christmas market, not willing to waste any more time. She usually quite enjoys Christmas shopping, always likes to make an effort and surprise her loved ones with little presents that aren’t on their respective wish lists. Granted, that hasn’t always gone well - looking back, Marcus’ non-existent sense of humour should have been warning enough not to marry him, she muses.

This year, however, she finds herself at a loss. What do you get your newly estranged children who are still bitter about their parents’ divorce? She is not even sure they will accept her gifts and peace offerings, which is why she has put the dreaded task off until now. Which leaves her with less than three days to find something. Brilliant.

She straightens her shoulders and decides to pay Charlotte’s favourite record shop a visit first - only to be stopped by a slender young woman who steps right in front of her, waving her smartphone at Bernie’s face.

“Excuse me,” the girl beams at her, the words a bit slurred, “could you please take a photo of my mum and I? Great!” With that she hands her the phone and skips back to where her mother is waiting. Right. Okay.

Bernie makes to follow her but stops short: the other woman is stunning! She is the spitting image of her daughter, with a cute cleft in her chin and dark brown eyes. Eyes that are currently sparkling with barely concealed amusement as she raises a neatly sculpted brow and half-heartedly chastises her daughter for "harassing strangers for a silly photo."

Realising that this might not be the right moment to explore her new-found attraction to eyebrows - who would have thought? - Bernie shakes herself out of her temporary stupor, mumbles a shy “hello,” and busies herself with the girl’s phone. Keep calm, Wolfe.

She offers the women a few vague instructions and manages a number of decent snaps before the girl comes over and eagerly snatches the phone from her hand to scroll through the gallery.

“Mum, look! We are so pretty!” she gushes, then turns around to address Bernie.

“Look! Isn’t my mum pretty?”

Pretty? Beautiful, attractive, devastatingly sexy, Bernie thinks, then coughs and chokes out a strangled “um…-”

“Thank you so much! Can I hug you?” the girl interrupts her and flings her arms around Bernie’s neck, not bothering to wait for a response.

“Ellie!” The mother joins them to save Bernie from her daughter’s exorbitant display of gratitude. “I’m so sorry. She had a bit too much of the mulled cider, I’m afraid.”

Bernie shrugs it off and offers her a smile. “Don’t worry, no harm done. At least she’s a happy drunk. My ex-husband used to get mopey when he had too much wine,” Bernie rolls her eyes at the memory.

Her assessment prompts the other woman to chuckle. “Ah, yes, today is one of her better days. She was right to thank you, though. Serena Campbell, nice to meet you”

Bernie takes the offered hand, notices how soft and warm it is and almost forgets to answer. “Bernie Wolfe”

“As in Major Berenice Wolfe, the new consultant on Keller?”

“Bernie is fine. But how- oh! Do you work at Holby City Hospital, too?”

“Yes, on AAU, “ Serena smiles, then frowns. “One should think that our ward would suit your talents much better than Keller?”

“Well, the spot on Keller was on offer, I applied and that was that.” Bernie shrugs, unsure what else to say. She would love to work on AAU and getting to work with Serena would certainly be a bonus.

Then she realises that they are still holding each other’s hands.

Serena seems to notice at the same time. She doesn’t pull away, though. Instead, she encloses Bernie’s hand with both of her own.

“Oh dear, your fingers are like icicles. What are you doing, walking about without mittens or a scarf at least? You must be freezing! Here,” Serena untangles her own scarf from her neck and wraps it around Bernie’s, “that’s better.”

“But.. won’t you be cold now?” Bernie stutters. She is painfully aware that she is blushing at the gentle touch, hopes she can blame it on the cold.

“Ah, don’t worry,” Serena rummages through her handbag, then points at Ellie who doesn’t look as energetic anymore. “I need to get this one home now, anyway. You can buy me a coffee at Pulses when you give it back.” After a moment’s hesitation, Serena envelops Bernie in a brief hug.

Ellie smiles at Bernie. “I wanted to say thanks again for the pics. It was nice to meet you, Bernie. You’re great!”

“Hear, hear!” Serena winks at Bernie and links arms with her daughter. “Come on, it’s time to go home.”

Bernie can’t help but stare after Serena until she is out of sight.

Later, when she arrives home after what eventually turned into a surprisingly successful little shopping spree, she finds a slip of paper in her coat pocket. Below a phone number it reads:

To get in touch about that coffee :)

S x

She suddenly doesn’t feel cold anymore.

@berenaadvent

#Berena Advent 2019 #berena advent: frost #eeek i wrote something #it's shameless fluff - surprise :D #with added salt because i loathe marcus #elinor isn't a brat in this one #thank you batnbreakfast for giving this a quick once-over

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wallpaperpaintings · 4 years

Text

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bonnissance · 5 years

Note

Berena 15 :D

First time they see each other in a state of undress *waggles eyebrows* (consider this a first installment of a longer fic i affectionately refer to as the tit!pic fic)

Bernie hates shopping, she really does. The lights and the change rooms and inconsistent sizes—she finds the whole thing tedious.

But it’s also a necessity, from time to time. To add a few things to her wardrobe each year, a new coat here, another shirt there; a fresh dress for a special occasion, when they come around every few years.

Which is why she spent her last day off in and out of change rooms, trying to find a dress to wear to Charlotte’s conference appearance. Where she’s giving the first presentation of her career in higher research.

Because she wants to make an effort. Do more than just show up to an evening where she gets to sit back and watch her daughter shine, and get a free meal out of it too.

So she buys a new dress, something simple but a bit slinky: midnight blue so dark it’s almost black with a high neck and a low back, skirt flowing just above her knees. She’ll have to shave, but it covers her scar without feeling frumpy.

It’s better than she hoped for, really.

It isn’t till the day of—when she pulls it out of the closet, makes sure it’s not rumpled—that she realises she hasn’t got a bra to go with it.

A pink sports bra might work on the ward, but it’s not going to cut it today. And she won’t risk taking someone’s eye out with a frozen left nipple because it has been frightfully cold recently.

So here she is, on her morning off, in the change room of a lingerie store. Trying not to stare at all the lace and frills and imagining women she shouldn’t in them.

It should be easier, given all the practice she’s had. But the thoughts are louder now, more tangible. Now she has a point of reference and no husband to make her feel guilty about it. She’s been thinking about women more and more.

One woman in particular.

And she wishes she didn’t, because Serena is her friend, such a close friend, and she wouldn’t want to ruin that.

Even if she does want Serena, sometimes—late at night when there’s nothing to distract her like a juicy surgery or a mountain of paperwork—like that.

Enough of that, she tells herself sternly, grabbing another bra from the rack in what she supposes is her size and heads towards the change room. Focus, Wolfe. Focus!

The discard pile has grown depressingly large when her phone pings.

It’s Charlotte, asking if she’s free, she’d like to come over early, help Charlotte finish polishing her presentation.

Bernie knows a cry for help when she sees it.

She looks in the mirror and decides to call it a day. This one fits fine, and she’d rather spend time with Charlotte anyway.

She taps out a quick reply, says she’s on her way, and hits send. Hits the home button as she reaches behind her to snap the clasp free (and, unbeknownst to her, opens the camera), pulls it off one handed (snapping a photo in the process), before dropping the phone back onto the bench.

She pulls her shirt back on and wonders about Serena, how they’re doing on the ward without her. Wonders out loud if she should text Serena, just to be sure they’re alright.

‘I’ll call her instead,’ she mumbles to herself, slipping her phone back into pocket, when she gets back to the car. So she knows she doesn’t have to worry.

Doesn’t hear Siri open her contacts, or the sent message tone, as her wayward phone sends a candid to the one person always on Bernie’s mind.

#berena #bernie wolfe #serena campbell #long post #i wrote a thing #the rest is coming #all in good time #holby city #ktlsyrtis #thanks for the prompt!#it got my butt into gear #holp you enjoy it darling

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szopenhauer · 4 years

Text

Whens the last time you ate bread? today

Do you attend school, college, or uni? no longer

If you could speak three different languages fluently, what would they be? I already speak two so dunno if I can add three more or just one?

Where,in your current country, would you like to live, other than where you do now? Ełk

Where wouldn’t you want to live? śląsk

Do you like sheer clothing? nah

Llamas or sheep? llamas

Can you iron? yes?

Can you work the washing machine? theoretically

Do you like your photo being taken? I don’t

Do you like taking photos of yourself? funny selfies

How many magazzines do you buy a month? 1 but my mom buys several

How many of them are car-related? none

What about fashion? maybe mom’s but it’s more possible that I’d buy fashion related mag than one about cars

Any celeb gossip ones? mom’s? I hate those

Are you excited to live on your own? I’d be :3

When do you plan on moving out? hopefully soon

What gives you confidence? when I need to protect someone, help someone weaker, want to make fun of myself to make someone smile or when I’m sure of my knowledge/experience/memory but I rarely am confident

Is there a habit you’re currently trying to kick? maybe

Have you ever dated someone with very different sexual tastes than you? not very

Have you ever said anything you regretted while drunk? never been drunk

Has anyone ever been extremely jealous of you? Do you know why? not extremely

What do you wish you’d spent more time doing five years ago? eating?...

What is the most meaningful gift you’ve ever given? it’s not for me to judge

Do you feel as though someone ‘won’ in your last break up? umm...

What is something most people are turned on by but you’re not? penis

do you daydream?: less than I used to do you dream at night?: not every night but I do when you’re sick, do you like to be pampered, or left alone?: depends who’s the better actor, jack nicholson or anthony hopkins?: Nicholson if someone cries while watching a sad movie do you laugh at them?: wtf... I cry myself how often do you change your sheets?: rarely, I hate fresh laundry, can’t sleep because of allergy even tho I use special detergents :( are you high maintenance?: not when it comes to money but I'm still a burden deliveryman at your door - who’s the package from?: shirt that I ordered :D do you wear socks with sandals?: I don’t wear sandals would you marry for money?: if I had to but don’t wanna would you vote for a woman president?: why not Are looks/appearances really important?: a little if someone lied to you and came clean is that forgivable?: depends Do you like Final Fantasy? Which one do you prefer of all?

Do you like Lady Gaga? I like some of her songs Don’t you hate when your foot falls asleep? with passion >.< Do you bless random people when they sneeze? sometimes I might Dark, milk or white chocolate? white or at least milk

Last thing you ate? sandwich Was today a good day? sigh... What are you listening to? russian musicians like Valery Meladze What was the last movie you cried at? Five feet apart You’re getting drunk, what do you drink? but I don’t want to drink/get drunk What do you think of Justin Bieber? I hate him Is the closest saturday going to be a good one? today is Saturday and next one is gonna be the last day before hospital so very anxious Where were you when you last cried? home Would you be bothered if your boyfriend/girlfriend did drugs? I think so Last time you threw up from drinking? that never happened Would you rather get your tongue or lip pierced? lip Do you get sea sick? I didn’t but who knows Do you download music illegally? I don’t download music now at all Hugged anyone today? parents Do you drink every weekend? I don’t drink at all Do you have any scars? meh Have you ever cried at a book? few times only, movies make me cry way more often Would you ever get a tattoo on the inside of your lip? what for? Can you sleep in total darkness? I don’t like to FALL asleep in total darkness but sleep is fine Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and not get annoyed? there isn’t Have you ever fallen in the toilet when you were little?: it’s possible, I don’t recall XD but I stepped into the bathtub in tights at least once

Who was your best friend in 5th grade?: P.

What was the first Beanie Baby you ever got?: never had one? Can you keep a spoon on your nose?: doubt it What is your favorite farm animal?: chicken Do you lie to your parents in order to get your way?: I might exaggerate Do you like to play Monopoly?: yup Have you ever stayed overnight in the hospital?: many times and will soon again What size bra do you wear?: *shrug* not sure, I buy what feels good enough on me but even if I knew that would be personal Who was your favorite Sesame Street/Muppet character?: Oscar, Bert (I always say Bern or Bernie), Big bird, Elmo was pretty cool too

*I actually adore puppet shows like this

When was the last time you found yourself somewhere you didn’t want to be? May I ask where that place was? now, in my house because of ppl

Do your eyes ever twitch? very rarely

When did you last offer to do something that you really didn’t want to do? this day

When did you last feel forced into something? I’m forced to live so...

Assuming you have any, is your hair soft today? assuming I have any lmfao

Who did you last worry about and why? besides myself - my father

Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I wish

Can you see any toys from where you’re sat? shitload

Have you ever been embarrased by something you’ve said or a noise you’ve made during sex or kissing? maybe

Who or what was the subject of the last photograph you took? auto-portrait

Do you eat your dinner at a dining table, coffee table or just off your lap? depends

When did you last see the sea? on a pic or irl? because if in real life then almost 20 years ago

Have you ever experienced contagious yawning? ppl yawning doesn’t make me wanna yawn Can you handle movies involving lots of bugs and insects? not maggots and not dead bugs Were you ever a vampire for Halloween? yeah

Are you borrowing books from anybody at the moment? my sister Do you keep scissors in your kitchen? If so, where? my mom does couple pairs but not always in the same place Is there a book store in walking distance? there isn’t, just library When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling? camp? my parents? What is the funniest movie you’ve seen recently? I didn’t watch any funny movies lately, the last one was The princess bride that I decided to see in the last months

Is there any kind of design on your socks? stripes How long until you kiss someone again? at least 2-3 weeks Do you like being kissed on the neck? yes Do you accessorize your outfit? rarely

Describe your handwriting: ugly

Are you socially awkward? I am Where are both of your parents right at this moment? home like me Do you find yourself on Youtube a lot? yt is my background quite often What was the last thing you scratched? my nose and neck Are you satisfied with your gender? not really Looks or personality? Which is more important to you? personality unless looks include gender then exclude all men How many times have you dyed your hair? 4 Do you hate when movies are split into two parts? yes and no? What is something that reminds you of your childhood? lots of stuff

How did you meet your first crush? my first real female crush I met in high school, we had classes together

What is an anecdote that your family frequently tells about you as a child? there are many, personal If you could do anything with your hair what would you do? I don’t know *shrug* Can you remember how many people you’ve kissed? 1 person How open are you with your parents? very, 99% What is your favorite episode of your favorite show? can’t choose only one :o How did you learn about sex? biology classes mostly Describe your favorite outfit? leggings/pajama pants, T-shirt, hoodie or sweater, socks, slip on shoes, hat like a beanie for example and jacket if it’s cold

Do you have a sister that steals your things? she borrows things without asking at times and some she didn’t even give back or she ruined ‘em

Do you have dishes in your room? mug

Is anyone in your family artistic? would say so

When is the last time you watched a hockey game? never

What was your last dream about? yesterday I had a dream about having a group with Harley Quinn and today I forgot

What are you currently listening to? Susanne Sundfor

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? my sister’s bf or a stranger

Where did you last eat? living room

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whitehotharlots · 6 years

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Handicapping the 2020 Dem primary

Tier Four

The Tom Vilsack Memorial “No Chance in Hell” Tier

These are the candidates whose family members won’t even vote for them. They will drop out either before or immediately after Iowa. Some of them will be working specifically to plant the seeds of a 2024 run, while others are auditioning for an MSNBC gig.

Joe Kennedy

Any person who is simultaneously old enough and illiterate enough to have any fondness for the Kennedys is 100% in the Trump camp. Joe has zero appeal outside of this voting bloc, which literally does not exist. He won’t even win Massachusetts--won’t even be in the top five in Massachusetts.

Michael Avenatti

My man ain’t even announced his run and he’s already facing domestic assault charges. A potential Avenatti run had a mystical WWF vibe to it. I will admit, I was excited, the same as I’d be excited to finally pull alongside the accident that caused the pile up. No one has any idea what his policies are, because neither does he. He might honestly beat Trump in the general, as he is far and away the most likely candidate to physically assault Trump if the two ever share a stage (any Dem who punches Trump will be automatically 100% guaranteed to win the election). But he probably won’t even run.

Mitch Landrieu

Mitch will appeal to that small demographic of erstwhile independent voters who were drawn to Trump solely because he is an openly corrupt grifter. By May he will be a panel participant on a new MSNBC show that’s like Shark Tank but but all the contestants are trying to get the panel to fund their medical gofundme’s.

Eric Holder

Like every other member of the Obama administration, his faults are glaring and the relatively good stuff he did takes way too much context for most voters to understand. Under his leadership, the DoJ began began to litigate hate crimes, which had been almost completely neglected under Bush. That’s good. Also, under his leadership, the DoJ stalwartly refused to prosecute the war criminals who lied us into Iraq or the bankers who tanked the world economy. That’s bad. Politically, he has the platform of a Republican circa 1992. Personally, he has the charisma of a very dry snail.

Steve Bullock

He looks and sounds like the dumb guy sidekick of an old cartoon villain. He is therefore the Bebop/Rocksteady of the field. His policies are indistinguishable from any other civil moderate/fiscal conservative candidate, and his moistness will drive away both donors and media . (NOTE: With Bullock, the Avenatti Rule applies: if he threatens to physically assault Trump or any member of Trump’s family--especially including Baron--he will rocket to the top of the pack. If he actually assaults them, he will win the general election and usher in a glorious Centrist Utopia)

Kristen Gillibrand

She was once considered a front-runner for the same reason Corey Booker kinda sorta still is a frontrunner--because she looks similar to a previous Dem nominee, and many liberal strategists and commentators cannot conceive of a politics beyond identity markers. Trouble is, unlike Booker, Gillibrand pissed off her donor base by leading the the charge against Al Franken. I don’t for a second think that Gillibrand’s efforts had anything to do with principles. She just leaned into the wrong direction of the skid of cynicism: if there’s one thing Democrat donors hate, it’s a candidate who appears to adhere to any kind of moral framework. And Gillibrand is not the sort of candidate who stands a chance without full institutional support.

Tier Three

The “Gormless Dweebs” Tier

These people might stick around until late in the game for the same reason they’d stay at a house party until well after they were no longer welcome. Each also possesses a very particular strain of weirdness that might resonate with voters in New Hampshire enough that they’d finish in the top 3, but none has a realistic chance to live past Super Tuesday.

Martin O’Malley

O’Malley is the Democrat John Kasich. He’s mostly running because he wants to have people to talk to. Several New Hampshire people will nod at him and that will be it.

Terry McAuliffe

Imagine if Joe Lieberman were a governor and slightly less physically repulsive. He is still a very moist man, and his only moments of attention will come when he criticizes one of the more left-leaning candidates after they point out that the Iraq war didn’t go so good. (Let me ask Senator Sanders a question. We he says that global warming is the biggest threat we face... has he ever heard of ISLAM?” *Tufts University crowd goes wild*) Terry might come in top 3 in Virginia, and he also might stick around if a frontrunner is facing some kind of big scandal. But his main effect on this debate will be that of a zebra mussel on the side of a leaky rowboat, hoping it fills with just enough water that he’ll be able to slither aboard for the last few minutes before it sinks.

Elizabeth Warren

Warren is one of small handful of Dem candidates whose economic politics fall to the left of Margaret Thatcher. That doesn’t really work for her, though, because it’s hard for a quiet dweeb to project any sense of populism. She’d be a significantly less horrible president than most on this list, probably. But there’s no way she would beat Trump head to head. He can bait her with literally any claim and her response will always be “golly gee I will refute this man with logic and evidence and then those who repeated his taunts will surely see the error of their ways.” By August, it would get to the point where she’d be sending out topless pics to prove she really doesn’t have several teats and therefore is not a pregnant dog, as Trump suggested. But thankfully she will have flamed out long before that.

Tier 2

The “Viable Candidates Who Are Gonna Get Rat Fucked Really Hard” Tier

Sherrod Brown

Same general platform as Bernie, only without the voting record, name recognition, or widespread appeal. We are also living in an age where crudity is now taken for a sign of sincerity, and while he does kinda give off a “disheveled history teacher” vibe, that’s not enough to really combat Trump. Trump can only really be beaten by a platform, not a personality, so Brown might have a chance. But he’ll also almost certainly bow out before Super Tuesday. My guess he won’t be able to take the heat nearly as well as Bernie and he’s gone before Iowa.

Bernie

Bernie will win New Hampshire. He will win for the same reason he won it in 2016: he’s well-known there, he will be the only believable candidate running on a civil libertarian platform. He will win it by a bigger margin, because the Establishment field will be more split. He will win Iowa for the same reasons: much more name recognition now. Pledged delegates-wise, he will be far and away the frontrunner after the first two contests, although on-screen graphics will continue to present him as a longshot, due to superdelegates. He will then square off in a contest between 1-2 of the following candidates, whom the establishment will rally behind. He could win the nomination, but you and I literally cannot imagine the absurdity of the smears he will face. If he wins the nomination he wins the general Reagan vs. Mondale-style, and we might narrowly avoid civilization collapse. There’s only about a 25% of that happening, though.

Tier 1

The “If the Establishment Unites Behind Any One of These People They Will Beat Bernie for the Nom Then Get Stomped by Trump” Tier

None of these candidates would have a realistic chance against Trump, but each of them is well positioned to take advantage of the unique corruption of the Democratic Party. Our only real hope--as a society and a species--is that they manage to split the vote between themselves.

Kamela Harris

Did you watch HBO’s The Jinx? It’s about a weird, repulsive millionaire serial killer who keeps evading justice. She was the prosecutor who tried to convict him. To stress: she could not convict Robert Derst. She’s running in the right direction, though, (disingenuously) espousing some populist positions while hoovering up donor cash. She could very well wait this thing out and then see the donors line up behind her enough so that he "victory” is called by the AP right before the California primary.

Beto

Centrism couldn’t win in Texas, even with a candidate who was immensely more appealing than his opponent. That’s exactly what Centrism is designed to do, and it didn’t do it. It failed. It will always fail. Still, Beto is very handsome and very shameless and not Republican-level evil, which means he will make some money and also sway some idiots. But he’s not nearly connected enough, yet, to win the nom. He will come close however, and bow out at the right time so as to not burn any bridges. Beto will be the nominee in 2024, when he will narrowly win the popular vote but lose the electoral college to Immortum Joe.

Corey Booker

Laugh if you must, but Booker appeals strongly to the exact strain of idiocy that controls the strategy within the Democratic Party: He is a black male... like Obama! That means he will win, since Obama did. Yes, anyone who spends a few minutes studying Booker will realize he lacks Obama’s intelligence, wit, and oratorical ability. But that’s not how the Democratic establishment understands politics: they believe, genuinely, that the way to win is to raise the most money while being in possession of the correct identity markers. Should a candidate do this and lose, as Hillary did, it was the inevitable result of machinations outside of their control. Ergo, we must appoint the anointed one and see if he pleases the gods. Plus, if you mute the TV and squint, Booker totally looks like Obama!

Hillary

The main benefits of wokeness--why it has so many adherents, so far as I can tell--is that it allows certain people to skirt all responsibility for everything they say and do, even as it forces others to attempt to adhere to literally impossible programmatics of speech and comportment. And so Hillary’s recent nativist turn will be forgiven (it will most likely go unmentioned), while Bernie’s wardrobe and posture will be used as evidence of his sexism. She can continue making jokes about Colored People Time, while any of her competitors will be crucified for not using the exact right terms in describing whatever happen to be the Woke Cause of the Day. This insulation from criticism is Hillary’s biggest strength with the Democrat electorate, while her fiscal conservatism will continue to help her with donors. She will get beaten horribly in the general, but still stands a strong chance in the primary.

Joe Biden

I have no idea how this man is leading in some polls other than name recognition. Which--don’t get me wrong, name recognition is huge, especially in early goings within a crowded primary field. But what does Biden bring to the table, policy-wise or personality-wise? I realize the people who bleat about how they don’t want any more OLD. WHITE. MALES. running for president are just trying to make their cruel centrist politics appear radical--but could they be shameless enough to actually throw their support to Biden? Biden, the dude who most certainly would have been MeToo’d were he still in a position of power? Biden, the pro-war economic conservative who repeatedly says that young people just need to stop whining? That’s the guy you’re gonna run against Trump? Probably. I would take a 50/50 bet on him winning the nomination.

Final odds:

Biden: 1:1

Hillary 1.5:1

Bernie 4:1

Booker 8:1

Beto 10:1

Harris 12:1

Field (including only aforementioned candidates): 30:1

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pragmaticoptomism-blog · 5 years

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You ever watch a really good movie and when it’s over and the silence swallows the room, you can feel everyone slowly adjusting to reality again?

You hear popcorn start to shake and drinks rattling around as one by one, the audience leaves the theater.

Except you look up and you’re the only one in the theater?

I feel so many emotions all at once and they even completely negate each other, sometimes.

I wanted to make a space for myself to vent because I think it’s taking a toll on my friendships and that’s the last thing I want to do. I sound like a broken record, probably. I also feel like I don’t really know who I am or what people’s intensions are towards me. I feel like nothing is real, lately. I feel like it’s easy to accept this when you have someone- a lover, because everyone else is at arms length in some way because no one is closer to you than the person you love. But when that person doesn’t exist anymore, it’s easy to see things either for what they really are or to take things too seriously/personally. I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

But, I wanted to make an honest space for myself. I feel like the past 2 years of my life have been completely unraveling everything I knew, or didn’t know would be a better description. I tried to make a new account, and couldn’t because my most recent email was already used. I don’t even remember making this account, but after reading the 5 posts that were on here- I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or just sit here and shake my head back in forth in silence staring at my tv with that 70′s show on unable to even have a next thought.

I feel like this post should be a summary to fill in the gap.

One day I was at school, having a hotel party with my classmates. I wanted to sleep early and Bernie said he did too. We went to bed. I woke up to him a little close behind me, but it was nice and it was familiar, in the way that at home was the first man I’ve ever loved for so long and always slept next to like that. We were having problems, I felt like he didn’t love me anymore for my present self- just the old past memories we had. And in the moment, being with this man that only knew me as present me and sleeping next to me- it was almost nice. I clicked my phone alarm off to sleep for a few more minutes, and I felt Bernie move closer to me. He kissed the back of my neck. My eyes could not have opened wider, I clicked my phone to look at the time because I felt frozen emotionally, mentally, physically, really- in every way. My heart was pounding out of my chest!! What the fuck??? And also why the fuck did I not punch him right in his face? I got up and went to the bathroom. I went through my normal routine, washed my face- brushed my teeth. Christina came in the bathroom. I started doing my makeup and kept looking over at her every few seconds to stare at her face while she brushed her teeth. Finally I said Christina listen and I turned on the faucet as loud as it could as we usually did to drown out our voices so the guys couldn’t hear us.

I told her what happened and her face froze with disbelief? surprise? and then she laughed so hard, mostly in disbelief. She made kissy noises at me after that to make fun of it. & We laughed about it. But that really was the start of a fucking insane roller coster of MENTAL FUCKARY THAT IS CURRENTLY RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS FOR THE PAST ???? IDK WHAT EVEN HAS IT BEEN? 2 YEARS? IS THAT REAL?

I should of told Tom. I should of told Bernie that was unacceptable. I should of told Christina it wasn’t funny. I should of done a lot of things. For the next 2-3 weeks, he was just more flirty around me. I ignored it, but I didn’t confront it. I felt overwhelming insane crazy guilt for his actions for about a month because of Tom. Tom & I’s relationship was coming to an end and I didn’t want to tell Tom about any of this because then it would have seemed like, to Tom, that Bernie or another person or whatever was the reason for it’s end. When in reality and to this day, it was never about that. He’s not stupid and he probably knew things that I don’t even know now that he knows from then. But, we broke up. It went to a place in my mind and my heart where I felt completely numb. It was literally locked away so deep into my mind that even still now, it feels like when I try to access that part of my memory- that there’s someone on the other end physically tugging it back until I get distracted by something else and stop thinking about it. After Tom & I broke up, Bernie & I started meeting after school on Sundays one on one in the car to talk, sometimes go to the mall. I remember once we kissed and it was a complete lust-ful horny kiss coming from him and this should of been my first sign but at the time- I wanted a quick rebound hook up and this was just easy. I didn’t want to do anything sexual, so I didn’t. He would just sit there and bitch that he has blue balls, “come onnnn” he would say!! What the fuck is wrong with me?

I remember the first time I agreed to come over his house. He said he would take me apple picking. Way after that, I asked him once about what went through his mind when I said okay I’ll come over. He said that he re-read it two or three times in disbelief and quickly cleaned up his room and was nervous and excited. I drove myself 1.5 hours to Jersey City NJ, a new place I’ve never been before. The neighborhood looked kinda run down. I pulled up and parallel parked. I texted him, I’m here! & He came downstairs and met me at my car to walk me inside. I walked into the house and walked up the creeky stairs, he turned on the light that would flicker on for a few seconds before actually being on. I walked in the room, and went to put my bag down on the ground and he took me and threw me on the bed. He started kissing me and I mumbled through the kiss woahhh already?! and I’m glad that I don’t remember what his response was. We had sex and it wasn’t really good. It was fun? I guess? As much fun as you could have when your emotionally crippled in reality but denying legit every aspect of that? Eventually he came and he got one of his shirts out of the laundry bin so I could clean myself off. I put my clothes back on and I don’t even remember the rest of the night at all. That night was Thursday. The next day we went and got breakfast, hung out. <- repeat till Saturday morning. I was awake basically all night and I told him I needed to leave Sat morning. He said okay and walked me to the car. I wanted to go home but as I started to drive, I just started to cry. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing and couldn’t see the road. I pulled over into this industrial type of street and couldn’t stop crying. I felt broken inside. I called Bernie and apologized but explained the situation. He said to come back and I did. He told me to move to the passenger seat and he got into the drivers seat and my sobbing turned to regular crying. I told him I was crying because I was picturing going home and dealing with Tom not being there, and that I was scared to finally be alone and face that. He told me he would bring me where he likes to go when he’s upset, to get Ramen. He drove me to this place called Mitsua marketplace in Edgewater NJ. We sat and ate ramen and he said a bunch of shit that made me feel better. I stayed over another night. The next morning, he was getting dressed and was going apple picking with his friends. I wasn’t invited. I got dressed and finally drove back home to Long Island and we never went apple picking together.

Again, what the fuck is wrong with me?

The next month was spent getting really close to each other really quickly, but never getting that type of intimate closeness/security. I felt like he was hiding something, or maybe even everything from me- all the time. I felt like when I would leave, he would go back to a completely different life than what he lived while I was there. Yet, I had nothing- no physical proof- to feel this way. I made sure to never say anything out loud that would make it seem like I wanted a relationship. One weekend, I told him I got asked out on a date. (By a guy named Liam) and he looked and sounded like he could not care less. He said something like, if that’s what you want to do- do it! I said okay, I’m going to go on the date, I just felt like you should know. (at this point in time, I was trying to keep emotional distance- obv failing a bit, and also unsure of what his intensions were). I told Liam yea and we were suppose to go out eventually, but shit kept coming up. The next time I was at Bernie’s for the weekend was New Years Weekend of 2018. He took me to lunch with his mother and he took me to his friends house for a NYE party. I was so fucking confused, but I felt stupid for feeling confused. In my head, I was thinking idk this is probably normal- we’re just friends with benefits he said? but why am i here with his mom and best friends? whats going on? maybe i do want this?

At his friends house, I had a lot of fun with his friends Tony, Chris, Julia, and Jen. Julia and I split a bottle of wine and Jen took a bunch of pictures- always being warm and welcoming to me as apparently the new member of this group. I remember him taking a pic of us together on the couch on snapchat and then deleting it. I had a few drinks, and so I asked him why he didn’t send it anywhere. He said where would I send it to. I said why not to our school snap? He ignored that. Now in my head I felt so confused and stupid, ashamed a little even or embarrassed because obviously if he doesn't want to send a snap of us together to our school snapchat group- then we aren’t anything more than friends with benefits, as I sit next to him wrapped in his arm on his friends couch on my 2/3rd night spent with him????? Again, what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!

I have no memory on specifics of how we eventually were a couple outwardly. I remember hiding it in school, taking separate cars for a while, and then eventually- we didn’t hide it. I spend so much time slowly drifting farther and farther away from all my friends in the class. Bernie didn’t want to eat with them because his skin was bad, the sun would bother him, the bugs were outside, it was too warm out, too cold out, new medicine, new lotion, didn't shower yet, showered already. Whatever the fuck reason. So I would feel bad, and go eat with him away from everyone else. We wouldn't even have fun. He would be mad at me for something and we would silently watch Netflix eating lunch. Once he flipped the fuck out because his sandwich was made with cheese and he threw it against the wall in the classroom downstairs (no one else was there yet). & I would feel like all this behavior was my fault. I would write notes in my phone reminding me to “be easy on him, be his peace, he works hard”. I’d be so mad at myself for asking “who’s that” when I saw a girls name on his snap friends or texts that I didn’t recognize the name, and he would get so fucking pissed. “A friend” Example of my note from my phone:

“It makes you upset because you’re scared to loose him to anything. But the reality is you won’t. It’s just 1% of the time. It’s temporary- in the future, you’ll prob always be around him. Eventually you’ll live together. It’s something that makes him happy, look past the worrying. It’s possible new friends you can have too, who have their own lives, too. He gives you no reason to distrust. He loves you. You’re better than those girls (ha!!!). So just wait it out, reset, & repeat. Be happy, live YOUR life, stop thinking about what he might be doing when he hangs out with those girls and be happy you’ll get to see him again.”

Again, what the fuckkkkkkkk was or is wrong with me?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So Capstone 1 rolls around and we both fail it. 3 people in the class failed and we (both top of our class) failed it. (wow wonder fuckin why) I studied my ass off to re-take this exam and was up near school most of the time. I stayed by my classmates houses, Sammie & Anisha. Bernie had family over visiting and he was driving to DC with them and was busy, so during this time he was mostly MIA and I wasn’t allowed to stay there. He met up with us one day to study in this one room on the floor at school. I remember that feeling hitting me- somethings different, hes going to break up with you. He complimented that my hair looked soft. I asked him if he wanted to go get food before he had to leave, he said no he really had to go- and left. My panic set in like fucking crazy and I just tried to shove it down as far as I could so that I could concentrate on retaking my capstone exam. When I got to his house- I stayed over his house the night before capstone since he offered, he showed me that he had made me my own drawer. He put some things I accidently left there in it. He said now I can have my own space there to feel comfortable. That made me so happy, but inside I was so confused and axious because he was so different I could sense it but couldnt put it into words why. So I would try to explain to him, and he would deny it- everythings fine etc you have no examples what are you even saying. I laid there sobbing and got up and collected my things to go anywhere else- maybe Christinas maybe Anishas, all I knew was I needed to get the fuck away and concentrate to pass my retake exam the next day. He looked over and saw me doing that and finally gave me physical touch and grabbed me, pulled me close, and said come on you need sleep and played with my hair and that was one of the very few times of sincere feelings of connecting on a deeper level of intimacy that I can remember from my whole relationship with Bernie. We woke up next morning and took our test and I remember saying good luck to him and whatnot and he treated it extremely weird and formal . and I assumed it was because it was a serious situation- this retake. We both passed. I was so relieved. I got in his car (he drove me there) and we discussed our retakes. I asked him what he wanted to do with the rest of the day and if I could buy him a celebratory drink. He said uhhhh idk. I was like oh are you busy? He was like yea sorry. & I tried so hard to accept that and leave it. After about 20 min of silence, I asked... what are you busy with? And he said something like idk yet and I was like why dont you want to hangout with me? and he said welp I guess this is ganna be talked about then since you wont just let it be. & He stone cold, facing forward the whole time, zero eye contact at all, broke up with me. “This just isn’t what I want anymore. I just don’t love you anymore. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, I just don’t love you.” I asked him 500 million thousand questions, considering it was still about a half hour drive to his house, where my car and belongings were. I asked him since when? But you never told me you were unhappy? Can you just tell me specifics so I can work on myself? He didn’t provide answers. He just said he didn’t love me anymore. We got to his house and I put my backpack in my trunk. I went upstairs and collected my things, including everything from the drawer he just gave me that same weekend. He stood there and (finally) switched from cold to looked upset as he watched me get my shit. I walked downstairs and he walked behind me. I put all my things in my car, and I grabbed this stuffed animal from my backseat that he gave me and handed it back to him as I choked on my own tears and snot. He looked shocked that I gave it to him. He said “But i got this for you!” and i said why would you think I would want to keep this? He said if you’re sure alright and looked really upset. I shut the door to my car and he walked back inside. I drove to Staten Island and sobbed to Mike and eventually Christina when she was done with work.

We had about a month’s break until school again. I felt so so so so so so so down. I could not stop crying. My head was beating from crying. I couldn’t eat. I lost so much weight because I legit had 0 appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I laid in my bed desperately trying to sleep, would fall asleep for just enough time to have a dream about him and wake up sobbing. I would re-read old messages over and over to convince myself that it happened, he was real, I wasn’t crazy. I felt like the relationship was made up in my mind and that I was the only one who endured it. At work one day I asked for closure and I sat in the car after my shift and read to him my note I typed out asking what I did or what happened. He provided no answers yet again and said I just dont love you. I felt like a fuckin zombie. I remember asking him one day if we could still snowboard or still play overwatch together and him saying he would think about it. Eventually he happened to invite me into a game on overwatch the same night Liam asked me to get Ralphs ices. I played some games with him then said I had to go and logged off to get Ralphs. Soon, we had school. We were still in the same hotel room. We tried to act normal, and would talk here or there. OR he would talk, I would ignore. He made comments to me like “An amazing girl got me these” and it was boxers I had bought him. He bought my favorite wine one night to the hotel and brought it to where it was in my site and poured a glass then asked if I wanted some. I said no. We went and got taco bell with classmates for lunch and he sent me a text asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits. I said no I couldnt emotionally handle that. He said okay and that he understood that. At some other point, we walked me christina & him to get chinese food. Christina went inside to go get it and while she was inside, bernie kicked the wall a little bit softly and turned and looked at me and was like so I wanted to tell you something. And said he wanted to get back together and that he fucked up. I dont even know what i responded, maybe I said something like are you kidding. As all of that was happening, him making these comments and shit- I was just so relieved to know that it was real. That he was real and those weeks I spent feeling fucking crazy- I wasn’t crazy. I remember one night we slept in the same bed and I just laid there and cried and said I didnt want him to touch me or to touch him, even though inside it was the only thing I wanted. He wanted to kiss me and low key kept trying to, brought his face closer to mine and opened his mouth in that slight way. Eventually I think I did kiss him- and it made me sob. I knew he wanted to fuck & it made me cry more to think about it. & I told him it would take a really long time for me to ever adjust or be okay with that in any way and he just kept saying I know.

We would talk on the phone for hours at a time when I was driving home from school or staten island or work or whatever- and i called him out on everything. I told him hes so fucked up and needs to address shit that his dad left him and he never accepted it and all this bullshit. He was silent most of the time, and listened. He told me I was “100% right” and that he could never take back damage that was done. He asked me eventually to go meet with him and his friends in the city, not to be together- just to hang out. I stupidly said yes.

That was the weekend we “reconnected”, I guess. Being with his friends again and we went on a hike together and just being back into the swing of it, was so comfortable and better than the fucking misery I was in at home for weeks not eating or sleeping. It was so nice to sleep and eat and live and laugh.

We were back together! Things were great! The same shit went on in the background, same problems as before. He would talk to girls behind my back- I would either ignore it because I didn’t want to fight, or I would mention it and we would fight. I would find things out and have to wait to confront him until in person so he would accept blame and apologize- otherwise, when I was away at home and he was home- he would flip it onto me.

I remember driving to go snowboarding, he fell and got hurt so we went home early. I bought him some water and snacks and helped him into the car- took his boots off so he didn’t have to bend down. He fell asleep and I wanted to stay awake while driving and stopped at a rest stop. He woke up and wanted food. We got food and while we were sitting inside, this guy was STARING at me making me feel really uncomfortable so I asked if we could eat in the car. Bernie immediately was super grumpy and I was just like oh fuck here we go.. we walked to the car and I felt so guilty that he was angry about going to the car. I said I was sorry and asked if he wanted to go back in and he turned around and SCREAMMMMMED at me in this fucking parking lot. he threw his food and tears were rolling down his face out of anger. I wanted to die. I told him that I was sorry I didnt have two separate cars so that I could leave, and he said oh so you just want to leave when I’m at my worst? And that genuinely made me feel like a terrible person- I felt like I was in the wrong. (Ill say it again- what the fuck was wrong with me?) We drove home and once we got home this time, I was so used to this shit that I knew better than to try to talk about it or resolve any issue. I just let him sleep and I sat up on the couch, and put on greys anatomy to distract myself from what the fuck just happened and what was beginning to become normal to me. (!!!!!!!)

I have FLASHBACKSSSSS to times spent with this person that I can’t even fill in gaps for. Him slapping me in the face!!!! him screaming at me in his house waking his mom and sister up which I felt embarrassed about even though it was HIM!!!!! I can’t believe anyone- nevermind my own fucking self- ever experienced any of this. He just knew what to say to twist my mind into thinking it was my fault. I would get up collect my things to leave when he would yell and he would say if I cant handle him at his worst I cant have him at all, or say okay Im leaving just like everyone always leaves him. & Then I would feel horrible. How could I leave someone saying that? (I should of)

Yet still, why does my mind wander to the Filipino restaurant where the staff knew me as “his partner” because I would leave while he was sleeping and get his favorites. I legit learned another fuckin language for this MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!! Who did not deserve it for one single second! Master manipulator! I cant believe the memories that I am typing here and I cant believe it was my life.

This relationship was fucking horrible and I do not understand why or how or EVEN WHO I WAS during this time. I really wanted to write this because it is so easy to loose yourself in periods of vulnerability. I really do feel like everything happens for a reason. However, there’s someone that just always comes to my mind that has sort of always been in the background since I met him at school and I feel like there was just so much time wasted in every capacity on Bernie that it may have fucked it all up for this other person/opportunity. But if it did, it must have happened for a reason. I needed to find myself in this drastic way and I know I’m better for it. I feel returned to my body after 2 years of being lost.

Anyway, one night I went out to eat with Emily and he was pissed the fuck offfffff about it, although he would never admit that was the reason. I felt guilty that he was upset- I sent him a pic of the menu and said I would bring him there next time he came to LI. The next day, after a 10 hour shift of clinical- I get a CALL from him. All day, I kinda knew it. I remember thinking to myself “why would he break up with you? theres no reason for that- get it out of your mind”. He said bullshit intro- hey how was your day (not genuinely), I said fine, whats up and he said “well...” and I immediately laughed. I said “are you breaking up with me right now” and he said well I was thinking a lot last night and I think we need to stop seeing each other. And I laughed and said okay just to clarify- you thought about it for literally one night? 12 hours? he said yes. I said okay, and before that- did you have any thought in your mind about wanting to break up? he said no but jackie stop. I said okay, when you collect my things- make sure you get everything. & we hung up. Prob a 5 minute phone call. He had such a cold angry tone that sounded exactly like the first time- he blamed me and made me feel like I betrayed him in some way that he was breaking up with me for.

This time, I could sleep and eat. Although I was upset, it was 500 million times easier than the first time. In fact, it was a RELIEF to not have the responsibility anymore to sit up wondering who he’s with or what he’s lying about.

It was much easier to cope with (since I was expecting) him to crawl his way (or try to) back into my life after this time- months of being MIA. He tried so much shit and I am very very relieved to know that I’m back in my right fucking mind.

I accept what happened, and the hardest part is stopping blaming myself. I was in a vulnerable spot, and someone manipulative swooped in. As much as I might want to forget, or take it back- I can’t. So I will remember it, learn, and be better for it.

This past week, after I got a “are you awake” text, 2 missed calls, and a voicemail asking to get coffee at 6AM followed by him liking old DM messages on instagram- I went off. & It felt so fucking gooooooooooood. Fuck Y O U R S E L FFFFFFFFFFFF.

#fuckyou

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