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homeofatlas · 1 month

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Maybe We're Both Chasing Ghosts

Summary: You and Elisa break up and long for each other.

Auhors note: yall i know i said i was gonna write the other one first..........im so sorry, hope ur in the mood for some angst tho

WC: 2k

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Letting go has never been easy for you. You never learned how to give up, concede, or when it was time to let something go. Especially when someone is the love of your life.

You’re going crazy. Plain and simple you’ve started seeing things. The side table lamp Elisa always used to have on in the living room when she was up late is on when it’s just you in the apartment, her figure walking around the corner, the smell of her as you walk past the door to the balcony. Everything you do reminds you of when she was here. Everywhere you go there's a woman with the same colour hair or skin tone and there’s a colleague who’s expression reminds you of the way Elisas brows furrowed when she was confused. It all makes your stomach hurt to look at and yet you never look away. You’ll hurt as long as you get a chance to see a part her again.

You know Elisa was doing what she thought was best for both of you. The constant near misses with communication. How far apart you always felt even when you were right next to each other. The stretches you’d go without talking and when you did it felt forced and stilted. Nothing like the beginning when the silence had been because you both were quieter people and enjoyed simply basking in each other's presence. There were times when it had felt like you almost had what you used to have back before it would slip away again. The silences which would drag out seconds too long.

Maybe it started when you felt like you were overwhelming her, maybe it started when she stopped looking for you first in a crowded room, maybe it was over the second you were finally comfortable. It seems to be a running theme in your life, “Nothing gold can ever stay.” What you won’t admit to as a non religious person is the day before she told you it was for the better to walk away, you asked the moon to keep her. I’ll do anything, just let me keep her. You pleaded and yet no one listened.

She’s your best friend even though you haven't spoken in months. Three months, two weeks and four days if you were counting. She knows you inside and out, from the food you don’t like to how you appreciate actions more than words. What gets you is the way she knew everything about you and you knew everything about her and none of it was enough to prevent this.

As the winter months begin to creep in and the wind nips at your cheeks again you feel the weight of her absence more than ever. You never realised you’d become conditioned to having an arm slung around your shoulder until the first time you shivered in a group of friends and a weight hadn’t overcome you to pull you into her side. When you’d been cold and no one had grabbed your hands to warm them up and kissed either side of your cheeks to make you smile and blush. Something in you had felt incomplete without nagging Elisa to put on an extra sweater as you went out because it’ll be cold and you are only human no matter what you say about being super hot Elisa. The way you’d looked up the hall to see whether or not she was coming and then remembered no one was there and there hadn’t been for a while.

Her ghost hangs heavy in the side of the couch she always used to lay on with the pillow she liked and in the weight of the pan she used to cook almost every meal (the handle feels different like it’s been melded to her hand exactly). Since she left you’ve been missing a part of you. Date your best friend, they say, it’ll be amazing. It was, you wouldn’t give a second of it for anything but this type of pain makes you understand why they call it heartbreak. You feel as though you’ve been split in two and are missing a limb. You’d never been a child who’d cried for their parents and when you’d moved to Europe for schooling you’d never looked back but now at 26 you were learning what it felt like to be home sick.

Elisa pov:

She’d fucked up. She didn’t know loneliness could be so all encompassing. She’s tried to fill her days with training and exercise and then going out with friends and calling her family “just because she wants to talk.” All of it is to keep her from stopping and thinking about you. The way she’s become less of a whole while still being one person. Half of her is missing. She can’t explain it without sounding like she’s co dependant but she couldn’t tell where she ended and you began.

Something is missing.

Scratch that.

Everything is missing.

A part of her is empty.

And she knows she’s got no one to blame but herself. Instead of talking to you, she’d decided the connection you’d had was too good to be true. Of course it was, how can something so romantic exist in real life? It doesn’t. Except it does, the little voice in her heart whispers, you had it. She’d seen it, she’d felt it, she’d tasted it. Had it in the palm of her hand and let it slip away.

The ache is eating away at her. A dull pulsing in her head constantly, she keeps herself exhausted to the point of falling straight into bed when she gets back to her apartment. It’s hard to call it home anymore without your perfume lingering in the air anymore. Your chapsticks stashed in various drawers through the apartment are gone. All the lights are off when she comes back. The place is empty. She’s empty.

She’d taken down all the photos and traces of you left around and put them in a box hoping it would help her heal faster. All it does is test her willpower to not empty the tubes of chapstick trying to touch something your lips have been on. No matter what she does, the quiet keeps creeping in. She can’t outrun the itch beneath her skin. The ache in her bones that never seems to fade. The feeling in her gut screaming something isn’t right. The quiet used to be her sanctuary now it’s suffocating without you to smile at her from across a room or squeeze her shoulder as you pass by.

She simultaneously feels invisible and like she sticks out like a sore thumb in every room she’s in. She’s not meant to be there. She’s meant to be next to you. But now you’re standing on the other side of the change room laughing at a joke she hasn’t heard, hasn’t told and something in her is coiling. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen when it snaps.

Jackie is helping you put your necklace back on and it shouldn’t bug her but it does. She’s hot and this room is too small. She knows it’s not like that but when Jackie brushes your hair to one side, a tad unnecessary if she gets a say, she has to tear her gaze away. Putting your necklaces back on after practice used to be her job. The small moment of quiet intimacy is what she’d wait all day for. When it felt like nothing else in your relationship was working, she’d always had that at the end of the day. Her fingers brushing the nape of your neck, the brush of your hair to your side, a smile creeping onto her face. If no one else was in the room she’d kiss the back of your neck and wrap her arms around you from behind. You’d stand there basking in each other's presence until you were ready to let go.

She’s fuming someone has taken her place, although not really and if someone has taken her place as your partner, her stomachs turns and she might be sick at the thought. A small voice calls out within her, be gentle with her.

She needs to get out of here asap. She’ll call her mom on the drive home, then go for a run, then pick up groceries when she gets back, she should really call her brother soon and see what he’s been working on lately, maybe there's a game on tonight she can catch- anything to keep her from thinking about you and this and how she’s fucked up.

Cause here’s the thing, even when you’d stopped texting her when you got home and when slowly less and less clothes of yours were appearing in her laundry, you’d never stopped being in sync on the pitch. Always anticipating the others' moves before she did it herself. It was infuriating to know you almost had it all. That’s what happens when you know everything about a person, every habit, every movement, she knows she could pick you out of a room of people just by how you breathe.

By the time she gets home from her post practice run she’s too tired to make dinner. She’ll order it in, making a deal with herself that she’ll walk to go pick it up. One of the things that most endeared her to you in the beginning was the willingness to break your nutrition plans laid out by the staff. Technically you were allowed to eat what you wanted but some foods were heavily discouraged. Such as pasta with a ton of carbs and no vegetables, which happened to be your favourite meal.

Slipping her shoes on and beginning the walk down to the italian place you loved to have date nights in she remembers all the times you'd made the walk together. She tries to not think about you and keep herself busy. The key word is tries because about 95% of the time she fails at it. A part of her hopes she’ll walk in to pick up her order and you’ll be there too. Hearts, stomachs, and feet falling in sync together once more. Please, she turns her eyes upward, let me get what I want this once.

Despite her quick checks around the restaurant and toward the bathroom and her dragging out the process longer than she needs to just in case you showed up, she resigns herself to a life of loneliness. Lost her thoughts she pulls the door open as someone pushes in and they stumble into her.

“Oh my god i’m so sorry-”

Your eyes turn upwards and meet hers. You both suck in sharp breaths chests in sync as they push against each other. Your eyes lock and the tension is almost unbearable but pretending like you don’t know each other is the most unbearable thing that could happen. Her hand, which came up to stabilise you, rests on your arm. Her thumb twitches to flick up and rub soothing circles right below your bicep.

If she gets a second chance she’s thinking now might be the time to act on it. She lets herself relax and smile at you, she can instantly feel the sigh of relief.

“Pretty sure this isn’t on your diet plan” She teases.

You smile challengingly up at her, “Pretty sure it isn’t on yours either.”

Your smiles are growing bigger by the second.

“Well,” She whispers and leans closer to you, dropping her voice to an octave where she knows only you’ll be able to hear her. “I won’t tell if you won’t tell.”

She knows what speaking low in a crowded room does to you, it’s no surprise when she feels you shiver against her. She wraps her hand around her bicep now, rubbing your arm up and down as if she’s heating you up, all an excuse to touch you again.

You lean in conspiratorially, “Okay your secrets safe with me.” Nodding to sell the act.

You both stand and stare because what are the chances? Maybe, you both think, I don't have to keep chasing your ghost.

#élisa de almeida #woso #elisa de almeida x reader #elisa de almeida #woso x reader #yall the others ones in progress #crossing my fingers i can finish it for next week

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sparksqfly · 11 months

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⭒dancing with our hands tied ❆

"because i care about you, i cared about you for the past five years. i'll care about you every day of my life. i care about your well-being because i love you."

figure skating, enemies to lovers

synopsis: modern au , figure skating- after five years of hating ellie williams you are forced to get to know her better in a contest that is more important than how much you hate her or want to kiss her. but ellie always gets under your skin whether it's good or bad but now it's your turn to be professional.

auhor's note: originally this history was going to be published in the pride amount, but due to scheduling issues or priority to other stories i couldn't do it. you know how the deal is, there are several references to taylor swift and possibly mistakes in some parts since english is not my first language, thanks for reading <3

warnings!/about ths story: this is pure fluff, no angst or smut. just a cute story i came up with one day in class. there are mentions of reader wearing a dress and makeup but you can change it to your liking as there are all kinds of appearance options for ice skating competitions. speaking of which, this story is probably not the best representation of the sport but because i have never done it. sorry if any pros are reading this, i did my best. there is a scene of a man being a jerk and mentions of violence, caused by this man and the sport itself, joel is referred to as ellie's dad and ellie and reader are both 19.

wc: 7,8k (sorry)

you remembered when you hated ellie. it was that short and that clear. you were only 12 years old and had just started taking professional ice skating lessons. your mother was very strict and wanted you to excel at something, no matter what it was. so when you started watching ice skating competitions on television your mother didn't hesitate for a second to sign you up for professional lessons at the best ice skating center she could find.

"remember you always have to be the best, honey" said your mother giving you a kiss on the forehead the first day of your lessons. she left you in the hands of the coach, grabbed her bag and left. you wouldn't lie that was one of the first days you really felt anger towards her. she was the one who wanted you to do this stupid sport, because of her need for you to excel in something. "ok, y/n come with me to the track. let's get started straight up, we're here to help you." that was the first time you saw ellie, she was at the rink with another trainer. holding on but she looked ready to let go and start skating on her own. "that's it baby girl! very well done!" a gray-haired man with a grin from ear to ear admired her as he pointed to another "look how she does it!"

"she's ellie, it's only her third class and she looks like she's rocking it" you nodded. It was obvious that you, as a person who had been raised on the whole to excel at absolutely everything and be the best, didn't like that a little girl who had "three classes" seemed to excel at everything. especially since by the time your class time was over you had already fallen more than thirty times and, on the other side of the rink, ellie seemed happy and calm skating back and forth almost without falling.

over the next few years you continued to take lessons, and found that you were happy that your mother had been so insistent that you do it. you had developed a real passion for the sport and when you turned fifteen, you started to specialize in figure skating, you kept up all the things you had learned in your lessons over the last three years and you were lucky that everyone supported you and believed in you. another thing that had stayed with you was your rivalry with ellie, she had also specialized in figure skating and had obviously stayed in the same club as you, sometimes even having her training right after. "wassup muffin" ellie used to say to you whenever you left the rink to get her to come in, you hated her. that nickname had been born two years ago, from a day when trying to turn on the move with some new skates you had slipped, not seeing that ellie was right behind you and you had made her fall too. "testing if I was comfortable to land?" ellie teased you as you tried to get up recovering from the dizziness "fuck you elizabeth" you told her, trying to get her to understand that you weren't in the mood for that shit right now. ellie laughed even though she tried to hide it "what the fuck is your problem?" you turned around facing her, ellie was still lying on the floor, amused. "why elizabeth?" you rolled your eyes "it's your fucking name, isn't it?" "no, it's just ellie" you rolled your eyes again "whatever".

you went back to your trainer to continue your routine. "everything okay over there?" asked frank, looking over your shoulder at ellie "she's a fucking idiot, you know that" you said trying to completely remove the ice splattered in your hair. "she's a nice girl, she likes you" tried to convince you frank "i don't like her then, i can't stand her" you rolled your eyes. "ok, let's get back to what we were doing. ellie... can you not" sighed frank, when you wanted to turn around you felt ellie's hand around your shoulders playfully and she put her mouth close to one of your ears "since you were kind enough to give me a nickname, now i'll call you muffin, what do you think?" laughed ellie and smiled at you with all her teeth. "motherfucker..." you were really about to attack her when frank and ellie's trainer stood between the two of you, preventing any idiocy you could do. "you two have had enough, haven't you?" bill tried to tell ellie "don't worry, we're fine." ellie smiled and disappeared, propelling herself backwards on her skates.

it was weird to say, especially if you took into account the way that every time more than three minutes passed you ended up yelling at her, but you had fallen in love with her. it took you a long time to realize that this was what was happening with you. yes, you were jealous of her and she annoyed you. too much, but you wanted to kiss her and punch her face at the same time. maybe you wanted to kiss her more.

it was a secret you would take to your grave anyway. by the time you realized how much you were in love with her you hated each other and she was getting on your nerves. what were you going to do? tell her out of the blue "oh ellie, i know i yelled at you for two hours but i've liked you for years and iI’m madly in love with you. no." no.

besides that you knew you could never be together. it would be impossible for her to reciprocate and if you did, you were both partners. you were rivals, you had to be professional. she wasn't your friend, she was your competition and you had to be better than her.

now the 2022-2023 season was starting, you knew that your club was aspiring to be able to compete in a national olympics with its best skaters and you were happy about it. you headed to the gym, you knew you had to start training for the choreographies and that bill and frank who had been having fun last summer since they had gotten married and bought the center had a proposal to make to you. when you walked through the door you found several people, all acquaintances scattered around the gym and ellie in the background running on a treadmill with bill timing her. "hey princess" frank greeted you and you went to hug him. you hadn't seen him in almost a month since you couldn't complete the summer season due to an ankle injury that had really screwed you up. "frankie, it looks like you have some great news for today" he touched your shoulder affectionately. "god willing," he kissed your forehead and called everyone to gather around.

after a while everyone finally sat on the floor waiting for the news, ellie leaned against one of the walls with a bottle of water, she also had not been able to continue with the summer season because in a figure skating session with her partner she had hurt her eyebrow with the blade of her skate, it had left a noticeable scar on her left eyebrow. "ok, now that we are all together we have some good news to tell you" said frank "some of you know that our institution has had some problems with the people who moderate the competitions, but finally we have been able to recompose the negotiations and last year and we were able to send margarita to compete in the under fifteen years old competitions" frank pointed to the girl who looked at the others with a smile on her face. "this year we have a chance to compete in the major leagues!" he said with a big smile, everyone smiled and looked at him impressed, you knew that many years ago your ski center had stopped participating in competitions to focus on being a more local and community sport club, but it seems that now they wanted to do it again. "and who's going to do it?" asked one of the girls raising her hand.

bill stepped in front of the group, freeing frank from having to communicate the choices. "well, clearly we have an amazing and talented group but we think those who best represent our values are ellie and y/n" everyone seemed surprised but pleased with the choice. some even applauded. "congratulations girls, you will start your training tomorrow" said frank and you smiled at him. it looks like it's going to be a long season.

"yes i'm asking you in a good way to hold that fucking rope so i can finish this fucking exercise it's the only job you have williams" you yelled at ellie "i didn't fucking do it on purpose! you're taking this too personal" "how the fuck do you want me to take it, you fucking idiot? you almost made me fall, are you so scared of me that you want to knock me out of the competition with your bare hands?" "what the fuck are you insinuating y/n" shouted ellie, throwing the rope you were using to stretch your muscles to the floor "enough, both of you!" frank stepped between the two of you, it was already the fourth time this week. "did you hear what she just said? she's accusing me!" ellie said to him, looking at bill for support. "if the shoe fits..." you provoked her "y/n, please." you rolled your eyes and grabbed your bag "training's over, right?" frank sighed and nodded. without another word you left the gym and headed for the locker room.

you locked yourself in a bathroom cubicle for a while, trying to calm your thoughts. maybe you were going too far with all the rivalry you had with each other, besides now ellie wasn't even your rival, you were competing for the same thing. because you had insinuated that she wanted to hurt you on purpose, anyway, it didn't matter. it was better if you hurt her, that's what you wanted. you sighed, walked out of the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror to wash your face.

as you were drying your face you saw ellie walk into the bathroom. she had her training bag slung over her shoulder, she quickly set it on the floor and pulled out a box of cigarettes, lighting one and setting the box down roughly on the marble of the sink, it was her curt way of offering you in case you wanted one. you rolled your eyes and dipped your hands a little more to smooth your hair. "you're an idiot, you know that right?" ellie broke the silence "more than you i don't think so" you countered her. "see? you always react like that. i can't say a fucking word without you snapping back at me" really? she really going to say that like she didn't know how much it bothered you that since she came into your life there wasn't a single day that she didn't bother you? "don't play dumb, williams. it doesn’t look cute on you" "don't call me that" oh my god, she was insufferable "isn't that your fucking last name?" "call me ellie, we've known each other for more than five years" insisted ellie "oh yes, i’m going to call you ellie because clearly we are both best friends and i have incredible memories with you, right els?" you ironized looking at her "we could have been friends" sighed ellie. you grabbed your bag and headed for the exit, but not before nudging ellie with your shoulder. friends?! oh god, you really wanted to fucking kill her.

it was the opening day of the contest. the atmosphere was too tense but at the same time you were having fun. these things don't happen all the time so you wanted to enjoy it, you had gathered with some of your friends to drink beer and watch the pre-opening and the opening itself with the ceremony, the choreography and the announcement of all the participants and institutions. you didn't want to admit it to yourself but you were also looking forward to seeing ellie's participation in the opening choreography. you knew that she had given her blood sweat and tears to get it right, in the last weeks you had seen her several times sleeping in the corridors of the gym and in the corridors leading to the ice rink. yesterday had been one of those days, she was lying on a bench in the locker room with her skates on and leaning uncomfortably on the bench, you had found out that she had been proposed to participate in the opening with too little anticipation and that was why she had to stay extra hours. when you saw her sleeping on the bench a force greater than you insisted that you had to take care of her, so without making noise you went to a closet and grabbed a blanket with which you carefully covered her and then grabbed her skates and put them next to her but not before removing the remaining ice. another thing you would never admit to yourself was the time you spent admiring her face, looking at her eyebrows with her new scar, the beautiful freckles that decorated her cheeks, her perfect nose and how her hair perfectly framed her face.

"y/n look!" jesse's voice snapped you out of your reverie. you watched the television with a local news channel on. on it appeared ellie, positioning herself with a wall papered with brand logos and the contest logo behind her, she looked gorgeous. several microphones approached her, were they doing interviews?

"miss williams! how do you see yourself for the opening today?" asked a reporter "it's your first national competition, are you nervous?" asked another black haired guy "could you give us more details about your life as a skater" "how does it feel to be the first skater to appear in the contest after so many conflicts" ellie looked at bill and frank unfocused by the amount of questions and by the flashlights that were starting to shoot in her face. after a nod from her coaches she looked at the reporter who had asked the last question "it's an honor, we've all been dreaming about this for years and I love representing my club at the opening" ellie responded with a smile "do you see you and your partner as contenders for the big medal?" asked a reporter "i definitely trust us but i don't want to detract from the other amazing contenders that are here, we all did a great job" "and speaking of your partner, y/n, she's been at this for several years too. you think you're going to do better than her? do you consider it a victory to be you opening the ceremony and not her?" ellie felt anger coursing through her body, she frowned but forced herself to calm down before responding. "not at all. y/n is focused on her choreography full time and due to scheduling issues, it was more convenient for me to do it, but if she had done it she would absolutely have killed it too. y/n is an incredibly talented girl, we have known each other since we both started in this and this is absolutely not a competition for either of us, i admire her a lot as a professional and i am sure this is her first step to show the world her talent and life will give her many, many opportunities bigger than this one. besides, there is no need to create rivalries between women, we both support each other, and we are partners".

"now, that is a big dick energy" said jesse turning to look at you. ellie's answer also surprised you "she has a crush on you" dina said settling down on the couch and leaving a cut pizza on the table "dee- what the fuck" you asked quizzically "i've always told you, the way that girl talks about you and how she reacts to you, gives me no choice but to think she is in love with you" you rolled your eyes and cracked open a beer. "that was ellie williams, first female skater representative from jackson, wyoming. born in california, she moved to wyoming to pursue her dreams and today she will make her national competition debut at the opening act in just a few hours." said the reporter talking about ellie to make time before the commercials. "she was born in boston, you asshole." dina and jesse burst out laughing “you two are going to be the cutest couple when you stop being so scary.

you were already on your third beer when they finished interviewing all the fucking contestants and announced that the opening performance was about to start. "finally, my god" you said and settled back on the couch "this is what we're going to have to go through when you perform, honey" dina said mockingly.

the presentation began. various fireworks, smoke flares and fabric shows appeared on the screen, giving it an important artistic detail. some ice skaters came out to move around the rink, one of the girls came out in a costume with two long pieces of fabric, she was dressed as a swan. after several ice skaters performances, two boys came out doing a choreography with classical music, it looked like a tribute to romeo and juliet. like the audience, you were surprised that they were two men, it was not common in skating. "look who's back there" whispered Jesse in your ear. right in the shot where they were taking the choreography, ellie could be seen in the background. she was at the low door of the rink holding herself and watching for the other guys to finish.

"that was beautiful" said dina wiping away a tear. the choreography had really was beautiful. two other older skaters, winners of previous editions, had appeared near the end. pretending to be the parents of romeo and juliet they ended up separating them and both boys acted out the tragic death of the two. "shhh, y/n's girlfriend is about to come out" said Jesse and you laughed ironically, a little blushed.

they finally showed a close-up of ellie's face entering the rink. she looked intimidated but happy. she never wore makeup but at that moment she was wearing some blush, and some little glitter pebbles spaced across her eyes, highlighting her emerald, green eyes. "she's beautiful" said dina "she really is" you said, mesmerized by her eyes. you heard some giggles coming from behind you but you were concentrating on ellie's every move. they focused for a few seconds on the audience who were showing confused faces. finally, when they focused on the rink, you saw how they had divided it in two with a black tape. you found it strange since they almost always recommended not to alter the track in any way as a precaution but something told you that ellie's presentation was the last one.

you saw her, she had a full black suit, some very thin feathers and more shiny stones decorated her outfit. her partner, on the other hand, was wearing an outfit that simulated a dress, completely white and full of feathers. taylor swift's "don't blame me" started to play in the venue. ellie began to move gracefully. picking up boost and doing little jumps that her partner imitated to perfection. it was a sort of "mirror performance". when the chorus of the song broke. ellie performed a triple axel. that trick consisted of jumping and doing three spins in the air on your own axis. the challenge was to land well, given the amount of weight put on the skate blade, and ellie performed it to perfection. however, her partner did not, she fell on her hands when she lost her balance.

from that moment on, she could not keep track of ellie, who moved ethereally around the ice rink looking unreal. a few seconds before the song ended, both changed places on the rink. ellie stayed on the light side and finished her performance with a two-foot spin. both spun for the last seconds of the song but you couldn't take your eyes off of ellie. who was doing it faster and with more grace.

finally, when the song ended, they focused on ellie. who smiled incredibly happy. she looked beautiful with her hair disheveled by the movement and blushing from all the physical effort she had made, she bowed to the audience and applause broke out. a black rose fell at her feet and she picked it up, brought it to her face to smell it and then stared at the camera with the rose in her hands. so beautiful, how could she be real?

the next day, when you arrived at the venue where you were going to compete, everyone was talking about the girl from the last choreography. how it was the first time they had seen her and they were amazed. you, for your part, couldn't believe how many times you had re-watched her performance on youtube, you didn't exaggerate that it was the best you had seen in a long time and it seemed you were not the only one who thought so.

you knew that ellie skated very well but you had never been interested in seeing her on ice, you only saw her rehearsing on the floor at the gym but she had definitely exceeded your expectations. you were a professional and knew when it was time to put differences aside and congratulate your "competition" so on the way you had bought a small bouquet of roses, to congratulate her. maybe it was too impersonal, but you didn't know what she might like.

you looked for her for a while until you found her with her back turned, wearing a jacket and a light blue flannel underneath. she was talking to one of the contest judges, the judge was congratulating her. she was saying that her choreography had made her hair stand on end and that ellie was going to go far. you waited for them to finish talking and made time leaving your bag in the corner. you pulled out your skates and set them aside. "ok little one, you have been brilliant and it was a pleasure to see you. i'll leave you with your friend, she looks like she wants to talk to you" ellie turned around, disoriented and when she saw you she turned back to the woman "thank you ma'am, i really appreciate it. wait till you see her, i'm sure you'll be even more surprised" ellie smiled at her and the juror left the room. smiling at you.

"i know you probably didn't expect this from me but, i really loved your performance yesterday. you were stunning" you told her, you could feel yourself blushing and she smiled even more "you are right, i didn't expect this" ellie told you and you took out the roses you kept hidden behind your back "i brought you roses, if i would have been in the audience i would have totally thrown them to you because you were amazing" ellie looked incredulous but happy. she took the roses from your hands smiling at you, your hands touched hers for a brief moment. she was warm "thank you y/n, i'm sure i'll be the one throwing roses at you today, you're going to be amazing" she had always been so nice? maybe if you two could become friends.

"are you going to make me wait any longer?" a voice interrupted you and ellie. you quickly broke away from her and saw aaron, your partner for today's choreography. ellie turned around quizzically. "jesus, calm down i’m almost done" you said rolling your eyes and taking off your shoes to put on your skates. "hurry up, they're going to take away our rink," he snapped her fingers at you and before you could answer she disappeared out the door. ellie watched you as you laced up your skates and put the blade guard on it. "are you... are you okay?" ellie asked you, doubtful. you knew exactly what she meant. "i'm fine ellie, don't worry, he's just a little strict."

you two practiced the choreography several times, they didn't get to complete it because every time something went wrong you practiced it until it was right. just when you were about to start the choreography to make it complete, a girl from the staff came to tell them that the next couple was going to enter to practice "we just want to practice the last part of the choreography, could you leave the music for us? they can stretch for two minutes" the girl nodded and went to talk to the people who were coming in, who conveniently were Ellie and another guy. "all right, do your thing," the girl him them and left. you grabbed aaron by the forearm. "i think we'd better go with the second version of the choreography; i don't know if we're ready to do it" "if you don't try you'll never know" insisted aaron.

they played the song for the last time, you were a little intimidated by ellie's presence on the rink. you were worried about invading her personal space and not allowing time for her to get her choreography right. rihanna's "diamonds" playing on the speakers as the song of choice for your choreography. the first part of the choreography didn't involve many tricks, it was just synchronicity between the two of you and some flips where you had to hold on to aaron. it got more complicated when the song drop, it was slow but sure. aaron's task was to pick you up in his arms and turn with you and then launch you to the other side of the rink, you had to turn in the air and land correctly. the trick was that he would throw you close to one of the rink edges, making it easier for you to get up once you landed.

this time it was obvious that it was going to go wrong. you had been too disoriented from having to start the choreography in the middle, and in the spin with aaron you had been too dizzy. so much so that you couldn't make the turn properly, that said and done when your partner launched you couldn't make the spin, you managed to land well but not to slow down as you slammed into the low wall of the rink. you didn't hit hard, but it looked more violent than it was, and you did hit your head. before you knew it someone had come running to your aid. "hey, stay with me, hey focus on me" after your sight came back into focus you saw ellie helping you. she was holding a hand in yours and stroking your back slowly. "it's ok baby, i'm here, you're ok" you saw several people surrounding aaron, even ellie's partner. they all seemed to be scolding him. "fuck, my shoulder" ellie turned her attention to where you brought your hand. "let's get you some medical attention, ok? i'm going to get you up" you nodded and ellie ran your hand over his shoulder. you grabbed hold of her and tried to stand up but she wasted no time in grabbing you and pulling you up. With a little giddiness you hugged her. "joel! come help me" ellie called her father who was quickly with you. he helped you out of ellie's arms and with frank's help they pulled you off the runway. taking you to the infirmary. ellie was about to go until she remembered the reason you had to go to the infirmary.

without thinking for more than a second she went out to look for your partner, who was looking at all the people who were talking to him with some disbelief. "what the fuck is your problem? how could you neglect her like that?!" shouted ellie, pushing him against a wall. "it's her job to be prepared to do-" "it's your job to take care of her! you're nobody, understand?! you're just a complement to her, she's the real star here." aaron rolled his eyes "it was nothing, she was fine when they took her out" he tried to defend himself. ellie, wasting no time grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him against the wall again, making sure he hit his head. "you fucking asshole, i should slam your head right here so you can tell me if it hurts or not" "ellie!" bill's voice made her stop concentrating on your partner "that's enough, come here. let's discuss changes." ellie left the rink, but not before throwing aaron to the ground and with the blade of her skate, throwing all the ice that had come off the rink in his face. "if i see you near her again, and I swear to god i'll rip your fucking head off," ellie said with contempt and walked out of the rink.

"you have to be more careful," said bill as he walked with ellie off the rink. "you saw how he threw her too, he wasn't careful at all. he could have knocked her out, he could have broken her arm," ellie defended herself. the image of you slamming into the wall replayed in his head. how could he hold you so close and treat you with such carelessness? "i know, it bothers me too, but the day a camera catches you being like that, your career is over," bill tried to reason, but she quickly pushed that line of thought away as they reached the infirmary.

ellie saw you, sitting on one of the gurneys with an ice pack and couldn't help but be distressed, you looked so distressed. "let's give the girls a moment" said bill motioning for joel and frank to come out. when you two were alone, ellie looked back at you "how are you feeling?" "fine" you replied curtly, you hated looking vulnerable in front of ellie "i'm sorry about what happened, i know you might have wanted to talk to him but i couldn't stand still while-" "it's ok" you interrupted her. ellie frowned and looked at you. "what's wrong with you?" "nothing, williams leave me alone". ellie sighed heavily. "and we're back to square one" "leave me alone" you said and ellie looked at you again. "you didn't expect me to stand idly by while that idiot hurt you" "why do you care?!" you yelled at her. ellie's eyes widened in surprise, you hated what she did. that she treats you like a friend, like she trusts you, only to pretend after two days that nothing happened and make fun of you again. "what are you talking about?" ellie said and you got up from the gurney, leaving your ice pack there "why are you doing this?! why are you pretending to care about me?!" ellie grabbed your hands, holding your body to hers. "because i care about you, y/n i cared about you for the past five years. i'll care about you every day of my life. i care about your well-being because i love you."

you looked at her. what? "what did you just say?" it couldn't be, she was playing a joke on you? someone had gone to tell her that you liked her? it couldn't be, the only people who knew were dina and jesse and they didn't even have a way of contacting her "i love you, i fucking love you. i've been in love with you for five years. are you happy?" "don't play games with me williams, not with these things. please" you tried to pull away from her, but without wasting time, ellie grabbed you by the waist. "i'm not playing but i really don't know how to tell you anymore. since the first time i saw you enter the rink, five years ago, i fell in love with you" "you're kidding me, you're playing with me, you think i don't know you, ellie".

you tried to break free from his grip, urgently wanting to run out the door and run but ellie, without wasting a single second, pulled you closer to her and pressed his lips against yours. you immediately calmed down, trying to process everything that was happening. ellie slowly pulled away from you, paying attention to your every move. "i'm sorry... i" but before she could apologize any further it was your turn to pull her by the neck to kiss her deeper. getting drunk of her and feeling her perfume close to you, finally letting your hands caress her hair and stir it to your liking. when you broke away from the kiss you cradled her face in your hands pulling her close to you, admiring her perfect features, all her freckles and those beautiful green eyes "you... you do it too...?" ellie broke the silence pulling her face away a little to get a good look at you. "what?" you asked quizzically. what did he mean? "you love me too?" you laughed, so adorable. you grabbed her face again and leaned in to give her a kiss on the forehead. you had wanted to do that for years. "yes I love you ellie, i don't know when the hate turned but it did, i'm so sorry for the times i was mean to you. i didn't know how to deal with everything that was happening to me" ellie shook her head and pulled you to her chest, hugging you.

the following days were frenetic. too frenetic. you had to adjust as a partner and as a couple. it turns out that earon, your partner had been expelled from the competition, the judge who had gone to congratulate ellie found the video where he threw you and together with other judges and members of the committee had decided that for the next four years he would not participate in the competition. on the other hand, ellie's partner had dropped out of the competition just because. you didn't know if someone had had a hand in it but according to ellie, he wasn't even that good. so Bill and Frank had juggled to create a new performance in such a short time.

and speaking of ellie, she really was a gentleman. She let you choose whatever song you wanted for the performance and when it came to choosing costumes she simply wanted to go toe to toe with you. "you pick whatever color and style you want baby, I'll manage to find a matching outfit." after that, she had even insisted on wearing all black and that you wear a bright yellow suit full of glitter. in the end it ruled out since they didn't get around to altering your outfit in time. and speaking of ellie as a skater, you couldn't believe what an amazing partner you had. the first time you saw her skate was at the opening. but she was so talented, you even dared to say that she was wasted in the opening performance because she had so much more to show. several times you were stunned before entering the rink watching her skate, do tricks, jumps and spins incredibly fast. the choreography that bill and frank had created for you was a mix of the individual choreographies you both had with your partners because you really didn't have much time. doing tricks with ellie was a breeze, much easier than with any male partner you had ever had. she always held on to you without letting go at any time, so the choreography was looking very impressive. you saw the whole thing filmed with professional cameras the night before you had to performed it. it was amazing how well you moved with ellie, how you both complemented each other perfectly, how neither of you looked wary of the other's movements and how your hands matched perfectly when you had to build momentum together. "ready for tomorrow?" asked frank as the five of you walked out of the enclosure together. you and ellie already changed into normal clothes. "don't make them nervous," bill scolded. "they're not allowed to be nervous," agreed joel. "but i am a little," you said and felt ellie's hand grab yours and caress it. joel looked back and smiled to himself, ellie had told you something about what he already knew but you weren't sure. "it is an honor for you, you are going to be the second same sex couple to perform. and the first both female couple to do so" right, the romeo and juliet boys had been the first. "we're going to live up to it," said ellie and squeezed your hand.

……………………………………………………………………..

"perfect" said one of the makeup artists who was doing your makeup for the competition. you got up from your chair and thanked them. when they finally left, you walked out of your hotel room and headed to ellie's room. you felt a little funny walking down the hallway in a bright red dress-suit, but you had to wear it to get used to it in a few hours. when you got to ellie's room her door was open and there were bill and frank helping her into the suit. she looked beautiful, she had a full body suit, black and red which matched her hair which by the way was slicked back with gel. again, she had no makeup on, just a few sparkly stones decorating her face. bill and frank went out, taking advantage of the fact that they had seen a contest coordinator. it turned out that in addition to being the first female couple in the competition, you and her were the last couple of all contest. "you look beautiful" you said to her, you had been admiring her for quite a while. "hey, that's my line" said ellie, a little blushing. "you look beautiful too, you look like a princess." you smiled goofily and moved even closer to her to kiss her. "i love you" you said in the middle of the kiss. it had become a habit for the two of you to say it to each other every five minutes. you two had spent so much time holding it in that now it was a necessity. "i love you too, you're going to be amazing."

on the way to the place, you were too nervous. you kept fiddling with your costume and needed to keep your hands busy with something. ellie seemed calmer since she had done it at the opening but you just couldn't take it anymore. "hey" said ellie softly taking your hands in hers. "you have nothing to be scared of, you're going to look amazing." you smiled at her, she was so sweet. "your line now shouldn't be "you look like you're pooped muffin?" williams?" even though you were already on good terms, you loved teasing her. "maybe so, but sometimes i like to vary the script" said ellie, teasing a little but at the same time leaning over to kiss you on the cheek. "girls..." called bill from the driver's seat. frank rolled his eyes but smiled at them "we're here anyway." some reporters were even waiting for you to come out, the worst of all is that your trainers had given you and ellie the order not to accept interviews before the presentation, to avoid forming controversy about the suspicious retirement of your two companions.

when you parked the car, ellie got out first, you found it strange until you saw how quickly she came to your door and opened it. you smiled at her but grabbed her hand anyway so you could get out. "let's go inside quickly, don't look back" she said in your ear and you listened. you got inside the place and ellie was still holding your hand. you saw that they had gone in alone as bill and frank had stayed behind to do the interviews. a man dressed in a suit led them to the dressing room, you could tell he didn't want to pressure them but he told them that in five minutes you had to leave. ellie thanked him and quickly took off her shoes to put on her skates. you imitated her, sitting next to her, your hands were shaking so she tied the laces of your skates. as you put on the blade guards you saw how ellie's skate had your initial written on the ankle. "really?" you asked teasingly, you thought it looked adorable anyway. "it's for good luck" mentioned ellie laughing. before leaving you gave her one last kiss. "i love you, you're going to be amazing" you smiled at her and together they left for the dance floor.

when you got to the dance floor and the audience you felt like you were about to throw up. before going out on the runway you two posed with bill and frank for the press. the flashes made you a little dazed but you were more nervous because of the amount of people who had their eyes on you. ellie posed with her dad, your mom hadn't come to see you but joel motioned for you to get in the picture with them. finally you both hugged your trainers and got ready to go to the rink. you took off their blade guards and went out to the track. you had a few seconds to test the ice before starting the choreography. ellie shot off to move on the ice and you tested your skates for landing as well as doing some quick spins to get used to the feeling and not get dizzy. finally you went to the center of the rink to meet up with ellie who looked you in the eye "are you ready?" she asked and you nodded. your girlfriend motioned to some people who responded with a thumbs up. "breathe" ellie ordered you and you did. those seconds before it started felt like forever, you guessed they must have been in commercial breaks. the lights went out and two huge spotlights shone on you. one to Ellie and one to you.

adele's "rolling in the deep" started to play on the rink. the first part of the choreography was pure coordination between the two of you. both of you had to be careful not to lose the tempo of the other at any moment. in the moment of the chorus, when the rhythm dropped, ellie grabbed you by the waist to start going faster. Finally, she carried you, turning you in the air so that you were on top of her, forming a perfect pose. several people applauded. you were already feeling more confident. the next step in the choreography was to do the trick that had gone wrong with aaron. ellie held you by the waist. "be careful." without another word, she launched you across the rink and you landed perfectly. the cheers and screams from the crowd intensified as you held on to ellie's shoulders and she held on to your waist for the last trick which to your surprise went perfectly. you two finished spinning just as the song ended. you heard screams from the crowd but you couldn't take your eyes off ellie who had you hugged tightly against her.

when you were finally able to separate your face from hers you both looked at the audience, you were surprised at how many people were standing, applauding the both of you. ellie grabbed your waist to hold you close to her and you both bowed to the audience. ellie broke away from you to get something that had been thrown at her. there were several things, even teddy bears. but Ellie came back with a cloth, you didn't know what it was until she unfurled it and you saw that it was a queer flag. the rainbow colors shone under the light she had pointed at it and not caring about the questioning looks from some people in the audience and the jury she wrapped herself in the flag, motherfucker she thought she was going to get in all the trouble by herself. before the applause ended, you tucked yourself under her arm wrapping yourself under the rainbow flag as well. ellie looked at you in surprise but smiled proudly for the pictures.

you were back in the rink. it had been 20 minutes since you and ellie finished the performance and the jury was deliberating. you had used that time to greet some of the couples in the contest and talk to the media. you hardly had time to do anything else. the scoreboard counted 30 seconds to go on the air and you looked at ellie, who intertwined her hand with yours. you couldn't take your eyes off her as they did the introduction of the program and how their judging system had been for choosing the winners. before they announced third place you looked at the small podium they had set up for the winners. someday.

"in third place we have..." said the announcer looking at the couples waiting on the rink. "noah and brandon representing foxborough, massachusetts!" everyone applauded, the boys from romeo and juliet. they deserved a higher place as they had done amazing. ellie clapped for the boys and you did the same as you watched them go to place their medals. "second place..." continued the presenter. you started to get nervous, did you have a chance of being in the top two? "sasha and ben! representing arlington, texas!" you were happy for them too. you knew they were friends that ellie had made while practicing for the opening performance. they were very nice and you knew they deserved it. you were surprised that they both went to hug ellie and you. "and in first place" you pulled yourself together, you felt a little defeated but you held out a little hope, you knew how unrealistic it would be to want to win first place in your first competition. "the winners of this seventh sixth edition of the contest, who will take home the gold medal to their hometown" come on you idiot, say it already. "representing jackson, wyoming. wllie and y/n!" you felt time stop for a second ellie looked at you, incredulous. "you did it" she said to you with wide eyes, it had been hard to hear her over all the applause. "we did it" you corrected her and grabbed her hand to lead her to the front.

as you were presented with your medals and you were given a bouquet of flowers, ellie seemed absent. she looked thoughtful but smiled at the sight of bill and frank crying. you felt like crying too, this was all thanks to them. though your anguish quickly evaporated when you saw joel with a beer and jumping up and down with ellie's uncle celebrating his victory. "ready girls?" asked one of the staff and led them to the top podium of the winners. ellie helped you up and smiled as they handed you the trophy, it was really beautiful. for the first picture she took the trophy with one hand and hugged you with the other. you grabbed your medal, showing it off and also hugging ellie. for the second picture, of just the two of you, ellie hugged you even tighter and just at the moment when the flashes went off to take the picture that would surely be on the front page of every newspaper in your hometown, she pulled you to her body and kissed you in front of all the ten thousand people that were there, fearless.

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canirove · 3 months

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In The Name of Love | Chapter 32

Auhor's note: Two things. 1: Only three chapters (two + epilogue) left! 😱 And 2... I'm sorry 🫣

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Masterlist

"I don't know who has eaten more candy, me or the kids" Emma says.

"I think it's a draw" I chuckle.

"You could have also eaten some, you know? Some sugar will do you good, cheer you up."

"I'm fine, Emma."

"No, you aren't. You don't need any make up to look dead, you've been leaving in a constant Halloween for the past weeks."

"Wow, thank you" I laugh.

"Val, I'm sorry if it sounds mean, but I'm worried about you. Are you sure you are ok?"

"I'm fine" I repeat. But I'm not.

Since the game against Manchester United, things haven't improved. At the stadium no one has bothered me again, probably because Dani did talk with someone. And at the school people don't gossip about me anymore. But online…

Online the mole has kept sharing photos and things about me, the haters loving it, their mean comments getting worse and worse. And nothing seems to be stopping them, not even Pedri giving an interview and calling them out for their behaviour.

"You are such a bad liar, Val…" Emma says. "And that's why you are having lunch with me and my family today."

"What?"

"Yep. You need to have a proper meal, and if there is someone who can give you that, that's my mum. So c'mon" she says, linking her arm with mine and starting to walk.

"Emma, I don't want to bother your family."

"You won't be bothering anyone. They haven't seen you in ages, they are looking forward to it."

"Shouldn't we get rid of this make up, first? I don't know how they will feel if we show up looking like skeletons."

"Stop inventing excuses and let's go" she says, dragging me outside the school.

"Bye, Miss Valeria! Happy Halloween!"

"Happy Halloween" I smile to some of the kids waiting for their parents. And when we cross the main gate…

"Cougar bitch!" someone yells.

"What the… Val!" Emma says. "Oh my God, Val. Are you ok?"

"I… I…" I mumble. I'm covered on something sticky. Something sticky that stinks and…

"Val, hey. Val!"

"I… I…"

"What the fuck are you doing, people?" I hear Emma say. "Stop taking photos! Show some respect!"

"Emma…" I whisper.

"It's ok, come" she says, putting an arm around my shoulders and making me walk.

"Girls! What happened?" Luis says, running towards us.

"Some teenagers threw eggs and god knows what else at Val when we were leaving."

"What?"

"Emma… Emma, I don't feel ok" I manage to say.

"Don't worry, Val. You are safe now" Luis says, helping me walk. "We'll go inside and help you get cleaned."

"I… I can't… I can't breathe."

"Val… Val, hey… Val!" Emma says, her voice being the last thing I hear before everything turns black.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Hello, beautiful."

"Pedri?" I say, slowly opening my eyes. "What… Where am I?"

"The hospital."

"What?"

"Woah, careful" he says when I try to get up from the bed. "You can't do that."

"Why? What… what happened?" I ask, my eyes still trying to adjust to how bright the light in the room is.

"You fainted at the school. Don't you remember?"

"I… I think…" The teenagers. Whatever they threw at me. Luis and Emma. "Fuck."

"I'll take that as you remembering" he chuckles.

"How did I end here, tho?"

"After you fainted you weren't waking up, Emma got scared and called an ambulance. They ran some tests and turns out that everything in you is low. Your iron levels, the vitamins, other things I have no idea what they are… They were lucky they caught you when they did, you know? This could have been serious."

"I… I…"

"You haven't been taken care of yourself, Val. And I…" Pedri says, running his hands through his hair. "I knew there was something going on. I could see it. But I'm stupid and…"

"Pedri, hey. Hey" I say, taking one of his hands on mine. "It isn't your fault."

"Isn't it?" he laughs. Though it is a sad laugh, one that makes my heart sink. "I knew you were struggling and I did nothing to stop it. To help you."

"Because I didn't let you. You, or Emma, or Silvia. You know how stubborn I am, it is all my fault."

"No, Val. This is…"

"Valeria!" my mother says, storming into the room. "Oh, Valeria, my poor child."

"Mum?"

"How are you, Val? When they told me they had taken you to the hospital I feared the worst."

"I… I'm fine" I say, trying to process this outburst of motherly love. "I just haven't been eating well and resting and…"

"And it is all his fault!" she says, looking at Pedri.

"Mum…"

"It is! He is the one to blame, the one who has pushed you to this, to almost dying!"

"Mum, that's not true."

"Have you seen yourself, Val? You are too thin, and the bags under your eyes reach the floor. And do you know why? Because of him. It is all because of him!" she says, pointing at Pedri. "Love should not have you looking like this!"

"She's right, Val" he says, his eyes focused on his hands.

"Of course I am!" my mum says, raising her voice more and more. "Get out of here!"

"What? No!" I complian.

"Get out of here, Pedro! I don't want to see you near my daughter ever again!"

"Mum, stop!"

"I said get out!"

"I… I'm sorry" he says, getting up from his chair and starting to walk away.

"No! Pedri, don't go!"

"Out!" my mum roars again.

"No! Pedri!" I say, trying to get up from the bed but only managing to get tangled with the sheets.

"He has to go, Val. This is all his fault."

"No! No, no, no. Pedri!" I yell, trying to free myself from my mum's grip.

"Is everything ok?" a nurse says, walking into the room. "Why is she screaming?"

"She needs to calm down. Can you give her something?"

"I don't want to calm down, mum! I want him! Pedri!" I yell again.

"I'm gonna call a doctor" the nurse says before leaving.

"I want him, mum" I cry. "I love him."

"I know you do, Val" she says while hugging me. "I know you do. But this is for the best, I promise you."

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Val" Silvia says after knocking on my room's door. "He's here. Do I ask him to come in?"

"Yes, please" I reply, quickly opening my phone's camera to check myself. I've been resting in bed since I came back from the hospital, and I definitely look like shit.

"You look beautiful, Val."

"Bloody hell, Pedri" I say, my phone slipping from my hands and hitting the floor. When I look up he is leaning against the door's frame as he always does, that smirk I love so much in his face. "Do you do it on purpose?"

"Do what? Scare you?"

"No. That" I say, gesturing towards him. "Do you stand like that because you know I love it?"

"I didn't know you loved it" he shrugs.

"Yeah, sure."

"I'm serious" he says, walking towards me and picking up my phone.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome" he smiles, sitting on my bed. Though that smile isn't one I love. It is a sad one. "How are you?"

"Good. But I've missed you" I say, reaching for his hand.

"Val…" Pedri says, avoiding my touch. "We need to talk."

"About what?"

"You know about what."

"No, I don't."

"Val…" he sighs. "We need to talk about what happened at the school. About you ending at the hospital, about what your mum said."

"My mum just said nonsense" I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Did she? Because I think she was right."

"What?" I laugh.

"Love should not make you feel like this. Anxious, scared, angry, sad… It should not make you feel so on edge that you end up at the hospital."

"I'm not feeling like that."

"C'mon, Val. Can't you see it? Being with me is hurting you. And I… I can't keep seeing you suffer like this because of me. I… we… we should…"

"We should what? Break up?"

"I'm sorry, Val. But it is for the best."

"The best?" I cry. "How is breaking up for the best? I love you!"

"And I love you too."

"Then why are you breaking up with me?"

"Because we are hurting each other, Val" he says, raising his voice. "Because I keep hurting you!"

"You aren't hurting me, Pedri. People are!"

"But they are hurting you because of me, because you are with me. It's the same!"

"It's… urgh!" I yell, throwing one of my pillows against the wall. The pillow with his photo on it to be precise.

"I'm sorry, Val, but your mum was right. It's best if I stay away."

"My mum knows nothing, Pedri. Nothing! She just said that because she's never liked you for whatever the reason!"

"It isn't for whatever the reason. She's never liked me because she was able to see that us being together was bound to end up with me hurting you."

"What?" I laugh and cry all at the same time.

"Goodbye, Val."

"What? No! Pedri, where are you going?" I say, getting up from my bed at the same time he does, having to hold to him to not fall.

"Look at you, Val. Look at you. This is all my fault" he says while hugging me.

"It's not your fault. It isn't" I insist, my body trembling between his arms. "It's them, not you."

"I'm sorry, Val."

"No" I cry when he takes a step away. "Pedri, please, no."

"I love you, Val. I will always love you" he whispers, kissing my forehead and leaving the room.

"Pedri. Pedri, please… Pedri!" I yell. But he doesn't come back. He isn't coming back.

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"Beth, Luis. What are you doing here?" I say when I open the door of my apartment.

"We've come to check on you" she smiles.

"And to bring you this" he says, giving me a bouquet of flowers.

"Oh, that's so kind of you" I reply while trying really hard not to cry, the memories of all the bouquets Pedri got me over the years coming back. "Please come in."

"Thank you" they say.

"So, how are you?" Beth says, taking my hand on hers.

"Been better, not gonna lie" I chuckle. "But my doctor said that physically I'm almost recovered."

"Good, that's good. Because we have something that may help you with everything else" Beth says.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"We all know break ups aren't easy. Especially when two people love each other as much as you and Pe… him love each other. But there is something that I know always helps, and that's keeping yourself busy with something."

"I don't think I'm ready to go back to the school just yet…"

"We were thinking about something like that but different" Luis says, showing me a piece of paper he had in his pocket. "Have you ever heard about this program? It's like an Erasmus but for teachers."

"An Erasmus?" I ask.

"Yeah. Instead of spending a year abroad studying, you do it teaching."

"We have a few friends who have tried it and they all have loved it. The other day we had dinner with some of them and they mentioned that there were some free spots that start in January and last just six months instead of the whole year" Beth explains.

"And we thought that a change of scenery would do you good" Luis continues. "New country, new kids and parents, new language, culture, people…"

"Though not really” Beth says. “Because one of the free spots is in Manchester, and you have a friend there, don't you?"

"I do, yes. Ferran."

"Are things ok between you two?" she asks.

"They are, yes. He's been checking up on me daily since I was in the hospital" I say.

"Well, now he could do it in person and maybe help you with everything else so you don't feel so alone."

"And who knows, he may even help you fix things with your boy and get back together."

"Luis!" Beth scolds him.

"What? You said it yourself!"

"I didn't, Val. I just… I…"

"It's ok" I smile. "And you are right. If there is someone who can help, that's Ferran."

"Then will you think about our offer?"

"I will, Beth. Thank you very much."

"Anything for you, Val" she says before hugging me. "Anything for you."

#pedri #pedri gonzalez #pedri fanfic #pedri gonzalez fanfic #pedri imagine #pedri gonzalez imagine #football fanfic #football imagine

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ludiharambasha · 19 days

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Hey! So I saw your anti atla posts. I was intrigued.

I have to ask, how would have liked the show to go about Zuko? How to handle him and his plot and arc? And what do you think about him as a character in general?

Hi, sorry that it took me so long to answer this ask, and this is sadly because I am not sure I am able to provide a satisfactory answer. (This is going to be very long). I will try to approach this from several angles.

In short, Zuko's entire conception is one I have a problem with. Zuko is not a character the writers tried to do something with and failed or wrote in a confusing, messy way that could be bettered with some tweaks- Zuko is exactly what the authors of AtLA wanted him to be, and it is their artistic vision that I have a (and at the same time don't- this will be clear to you as you read on) problem with. Not just Zuko, but Iroh as well, and I think this character arc stems from the privileged background of the authors, and a larger context of Western popular art, something I discussed in greater depth when I wrote a couple of posts about The Hunger Games.

Now, there are three angles I read Zuko and his redemption arc from:

1. Redemption arcs generally being indicative of poor or mediocre story-telling;

2. Zuko as a Western, colonial fantasy;

3. Zuko as a character in media intended for children.

I think this is the most organized way I can argument my feelings and thoughts about him as a character.

It was fairly obvious that Zuko was a character fallen from grace that will see glory by the end of the story. From the moment he first graced the screen, it was apparent that he would go through a redemption arc, and that his character was all about that. There are some blogs that I will add here that might have a lot more to say on the issue (I will tag them in an edited version of this post if they would be ok with me tagging them), but redemption arcs are indicative of, at best, juvenile, at worst, flat out bad writing. Redemption arcs are really fine in children's literature because of their didactic nature, but in writing intended for older audiences they should not be treated seriously.

Art really isn't about instilling morals into the audience - art is supposed to make the readers'/observers' ideological, sensory and moral world challenged in interaction with it - art presupposes the already existing morality of the one interacting with it, not a blank slate onto which the art is supposed to leave an imprint. This notion that art is about didactics is a very outdated, passée idea that resurfaces every now and then, usually in think-of-the-youths type of discourse. Art is the fruit of the author's sensory, ideistic and moral world, and innately expresses something about the auhor and the world as they percieve it-it is not meant to indoctrinate or instill something, but to provide someone's perspective on a phenomenon or idea. This does not mean that art cannot be evaluated because it is personal; its merit is decided through analysys, usually of theme(s), characters, motifs, etc., of their quality, inventiveness, coherence, and so on. It is a delicate matter and not all critics agree on every work; moreover, there are different schools of methodology of the analysis of literary works; they do not agree on many things. There are good resources on the internet where you can find more info on lenses, approaches, etc.

I cannot say that evey literary lens or critical approach condemns redemption arcs (some classics with this arc include A Christmas Carol); however, there are two very good reasons to be vary of them in fiction. A) they are moralistic, and b) they are predictable, and these two reasons are somewhat intertwined.

I've already said quite a lot about didactics and moralizing in fiction earlier, so now I will try to focus on why this impacts characterization poorly and give more focus to reason b). When I say predictable, I mean that the character that this character arc goes along traditional lines of a certain archetype, and never once goes beyond them or manages to state anything new about the convention itself or break out of its confines. Zuko starts as a prince fallen from grace and ends up as the new Firelord- there is nothing in his story that even once nods to the fact that anything else was going to happen (him failing to redeem himself in book 2, only to then be consumed by guilt and finally be redeemed for realz is also an incredibly common pattern). There is nothing transgressive or challenging to constructing a character like this. There is no profound idea that Zuko brings forward with his presence in the story. How can someone genuinely say that writing a character that has been written a MILLION times before in the EXACT SAME way to be good? We laud stories that say something; creating a character like Zuko is akin to butting into a conversation, not because you genuinely have something to say, but just to hear yourself speak. Redemption arcs are the death of character- if we know where the character arc is going to go, the readers' perspective is not challenged. It is failure to tell a unique, authentic story.

Redemption arcs are enjoyed because they deal with a commmon fantasy that we CAN do better and be better, eventually. Very few follow up on this and become better people, but reading about people that do sure is reassuring. This creates this self-righteous feeling in the reader for aligning with the right cause. This has a very clear moral and instructive tone - do better. When art is made to instill values is when the art ceases to be creative. This does not mean that art is and should be devoid of morality; on the contrary, art is meant to engage your morality through self reflection. When you read about deplorable characters doing deplorable things, there is no need for the narrator to outright say 'this bad' - how you feel about actions of the characters is inherently a moral excercise. (Why should anyone celebrate art that insults the readers' intelligence and their ability to make moral judgements?)

At the heart of redemption arcs is that they are digestible, easily understood, and reaffirm the goodness of the reader. It is the most simple, juvenile type of writing there is.

There is a reason why Zuko's redemption arc (and many others of the like) have a particularly strong appeal - they are reassuring to white, Western readers. They play into another, more disturbing fantasy - the sins of one's colonial past can be undone, forgiven and forgotten. If a prince of an empire that committed genocides, military occupations, and so on (there is a very long list of the crimes the Fire Nation committed), can be redeemed and become better and help the oppressed people, then so can they (they won't, and don't really intend to, but the fictional realization is enough!). There is also a reason why the fucking beach episode is beloved in AtLA fandom- it goes through the motions of 'humanising the Fire Nation' and showing them full of just some random, 'normal' kids that just live normal lives (in the eyes of the 1st worlders). It is the ultimate justification of white Western conformity, ignoring how this conformity keeps oppressive, violent systems running. Aang's culture being wiped off the face of the Earth, showing us the torture Hama went through, seeing Katara never find peace about her mother being killed by a Fire Nation soldier, never getting to see Jet get justice for the murder of his parents, all the environmental damage the Fire Nation caused is extended as much or less sympathy than privileged kids from the Fire Nation. Let that sink in. Zuko is just the most glaringly obvious realization of this motif.

Zuko's redemption arc is reflective of Westerner's feelings about colonialism and racism. This guilt is something that is part of them, as one has to be painfully stupid to be oblivious to their nations' pasts- everything around them reflects their vile history. They either choose to double down on this fact and percieve themselves as victors and their past as full of glory, others have trouble dealing with the gravity of these facts. And Zuko's moral dilemmas, his failures reflect this "revelation" and (surface-level) abhorrence towards imperialism. And it reflects a more awful truth, that these people seldom truly recognise the true implications of their own involvement in these systems - they often see colonialism as these sins of the past and systems divorced from their own involvement, and not the sins of both the past and present they actively contribute to - and Zuko also realises the faults of the Fire nation not based on what he personally did or has seen with his own eyes; he truly starts to recognise the evils of the Fire Nation when confronted with his past and his lineage. It is not the institution of the Fire Lord and the immense power it carries that has led to these heinous crimes, or the militarism- it is particular people that need to be brought down. Zuko, despite being a war criminal just like his father and sister, is absolved of what he did de facto. Just like the primary audience of AtLA would like to be.

Another thing to note, one that is not analytic but entirely subjective on my part, is that I cannot brush off the feeling that Zuko's redemption is more strongly motivated by Zuko's feelings of inadeqacy, rather than a developed sense of justice (this one is more up to interpretation, as there is proof n the story for and against this assertion).

Redemption arcs and Zuko I don't have a problem with if we are looking at AtLA through the lens of mediocre standard children's media. Children's media should be didactic, because children learn a lot from engaging with the environment, and media is a particularly influential one. A child will not be capable of detecting all the implications of AtLA as a narrative - for them, it is enough to see a simple character like Zuko. I just cannot stand it when people delude themselves into believing he is written well, he's average at best.

That is all I have to say on the matter, for now. Thank you for your question. Take care.

#anti atla #anti zuko

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rosekillerismylife · 10 months

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Five Survive by Holly Jackson

Oh. My. God. Mastermind Holly Jackson did it again. It was such an awesome and thrilling book to read, like how can she do that?

And once again, it was an open ending. With no sequel. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH THAT?! FIRST THOSE 380 PAGES OF SUSPENSE AND THRILL AND THEN AN OPEN ENDING?! Like, what's going to happen to all of them? I mean, yeah, case closed etc. but what about the relationship we all wanted to see? Hm? What about it? Will it happen? Will they forgive each other? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Also, I hope you agree with me, that Oliver was the most annoying character in this book. Like, SHUT THE FUCK UP! NOT EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU! It's funny how the most selfish people in the world end up being the leaders.

And can we please talk about how Holly Jackson drops the plottwists? It is all planned so perfectly! And the massive plottwist is always at the end of the book. ALWAYS. Like, there are 50 pages left and the twists and solutions are raining down on the characters. Within 50 pages, they have massive thoughts and massive actions are happening. What the fuck. I LOVE IT!

Really, Holly Jackson is awesome. Period. Her books have everything: Action, Suspense, Drama, Humor, Love. She may be my favourite auhor. No kidding.

#book recommendation #spoiler #five survive #holly jackson #HOLLY JACKSON IS AWESOME #OPEN END #I'M DONE

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thewritingpossum · 4 months

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reading what i thought was gonna be an interesting article about the place of lepers in medieval cultures but then all the auhor's takes are based on foucault

#shut up about foucault! shut up about foucault!!!#no seriously i thought i was gonna get some actual historical facts #not some half baked bs about marginalisation with a slight medieval twist

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archersarrow-tarot · 10 months

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👑✨ COURT CARDS ✨👑

· king

a leader, authority, or professional.

auhority of his represented suit

makes the rules and is also limited by them

leads with action

may be advising you to step up and take charge

· queen

a caregiver

embodies the traits of the suit

leads by example

can indicate parts of your life needing extra attention or support

· knight

action-oriented

may shift erratically within their suits energy

may advise setting a goal or being proactive in pursuit of suit

may represent someone who tends to act rashly

can indicate where and what type of action needs to be taken

✨What do they typically represent in a reading?

the querent

another person

an outside person

positive or negative aspects or traits

a course of action

a situation

a person who is influencing you or someone in situation

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linkspooky · 2 years

Note

Your top comic book characters?

So, this might be a surprise considering the usual content of my blog but I am an avid comic book fan. I have read a lot of comics (teen titans) and have a lot of opinions (Teen Titans related) and a pretty comprehensive knowledge (about the Teen Titans).

So, list of top five favorite comic book characters (My Favorite Teen Titans).

#5 Dick Grayson / NightWing

Ahem. I hate the bat family. Anyway *Takes a picture with me and the Bestie Dick Grayson*. One popular misconception about comic book characters is that they never change or develop and remain static because of either comic book continuity snarl, or the fact that characters tend to get handed off to multiple auhors. That’s actually false, because a lot of comic book characters, especially the younger ones, are allowed to grow up. Character development, thy name is Dick Grayson.

The reason I joke about hating the bat family is all of Dick’s character development comes from when he steps outside the role of Robin, and struggles to be his own person especially in regards to his solos and the relationships he’s formed with the Teen Titans (you should read Teen Titans it’s a good comic). One thing I think good comic book writing nails is that these characters tend to develop a rich subtext, there is more going on then just the outer shell of the person you see. LIke, they’re comic book heroes, they wear masks, they project heroic outside personas and struggle to be humans underneath it. It’s a definite thing.

Dick Grayson has a tendency to be seen not just by readers but also by the people around him in his life as the prodigy, the success, and this has led to kind of a conflict between his external (what Dick projects) and his internal (who he is inside). Basically, I read Dick as someone who is more comfortable functioning as a hero, then as a human being.

Which results in Dick constantly overworking himself and taking too much on his plate in order to try to live up to the image he creates of himself. Hero. Team leader. Mentor. Supprotive friend. Family member. Boyfriend. THey’re all like roles for Dick, and I think deep down he thinks he has to earn those things rather than them being given to him which is what leads to his habit of both isolating himself and overworking himself in the first place. Dick Grayson is a circus child through and through, he’s a natural performer who wears the tights a little too well. As for adaptations of his character, I prefer the 2003 Teen Titans cartoon take on him to the BTAS because overworking himself and isolating himself from his loved ones is an important phase in his development that I feel like a lot of other adaptations skip over because they want to get to light hearted and jokey night wing.

#4 Koriand’r / Starfire

Part of what I love about female comic book characters is the good ones are never boring, Lois Lane is just as interesting a character as Clark Kent and that’s a statement I’ll die defending. There’s a lot about Kory that is so unique especially in the original comic run that created her, she’s the “heart” of the team, the character that runs on pure emotions, but she’s not soft in any sense of the word, she’s belligerent and warlike. Starfire is one of those few alien characters who genuinely feels alien because the way she processes her emotions are just so different from the humans around her, she feels everything up to eleven, love, anger, hapiness, sorrow.

Starfire is at times, irrational, and hard to reason with, you know just like emotions are. There are a few people who have a problem with her portrayal in the 2003 cartoon, though my personal theory is that she’s not so much out of character is that the adaptation kind of based her on both Donna and Kory to make up for Donna not being on the team. It’s not that starfire isn’t compassionate or a nice girl, she’s just, aggressively so. But Starfire doesn’t fall for the alien from a warlike culture thing where that becomes her entire personality too, because like well written female comic book characters you get a good look inside Starfire’s head and even though she runs on pure emotions, those emotoins are just as complex as any other characters. Starfire is very loving, but she also wants to be loved, beause she is effectively alone on an alien world and a lot of the conflict in her character comes from her internalized fear that the people around her don’t want to make an effort to understand her when she’s making such an effort to blend in.

Conflict is what makes characters, and Starfire can be an all loving heroine, a nurturing type personality, and also be a pretty conflict heavy character, because Starfire throws herself into conflict with people. It’s what makes her play off of Dick Grayson so well, because one of his biggest flaws is his conflict avoidance. Dick throws himself into his work as a way of avoiding people, Starfire is a hero because that’s where her new family is on this strange world and those are the people she needs to protect.

#3 Garfield Logan / Beast Boy

Beast Boy is the perfect name for Gar, because he is the most BOY to ever exist. What’s interesting about Gar is how much he has in common with Dick, he has been a costumed sidekick for about as long as Dick has, he lost his original fmaily in an accident, he was adopted by a rich step family who moonlights as a super hero and is known for being a particularly hardass mentor which gives them a strained relationship even in comparison to other superhero and sidekick mentors. However, while Dick forces himself to grow up early, Beast Boy lingers in childhood as long as possible.

He’s also interesting in comparison to Starfire, because while they are both characters who are “The Heart” of the group, Beast Boy is a lot more vulnerable than Starfire will ever be, which explains a lot of his more selfish personality traits. Beast Boy is the nicest guy you will ever meet, and also just a little bit of a whiny asshole, that’s where the complexity comes from. I think what’s interesting about Gar especially in regards to his relationship with Terra is after the fact he tends to frame her as a tragic lost love, but if you read their interactions in the comics themselves, it’s Garfield being rude and aggressive towards her a lot of the time and coming on way too strong. Terra even nearly blows her cover once because he was flirting way too hard in a training session after he told her to back off. There’s like an element of toxic masculinity to Garfield’s character because he’s a fifteen year old boy who has at that point gone through the loss of two families, trying to desperately protray the way he thinks a grown up man is supposed to act, based mainly off of what he sees in popular culture.

Beast Boy’s a meta-human with green skin and pointed ears who obviously stands out in a crowd as a hero, has no secret identity, has basically been a hero his whole life, but he’s also way more of a person then some of the other heroes in the group and that’s because he’s just full of heart. Beast Boy in spite of his many flaws, is also someone who put all of his effort into throwing a wedding for his best friends, and nearly had a breakdown because of it, because he was like I’m already a terrible hero, and an even worse friend, this is the one thing I can do I gotta do it perfect. Once Beast Boy grows up a little bit, and becomes able to stand on his own two feet, he’s also more of a well-rounded person than a few other heroes I could name because he went through this troubled development and came out on the other side stronger.

#2 Raven

Raven’s cartoon adaptation is probably the most different from her original comic book version, but when I went back and read the originals I loved that version even more. One big thing is just like Starfire, she’s one of the few alien characters (in this case raised in another dimmension) who genuinely feels alien and isolated in the way she processes her emotions and experiences the world is so different from others.

Comic Raven has probably more in common with Jean Gray then she does with her cartoon counterpart, both overly selfless individuals, quiet, unasusming nice girls whose actual superpowers are the complete opposite of their personalities. Raven was raised in almost complete isolation and taught if she doesn’t keep complete control of her emotoins at all times, then she’s giving into her father’s infleunce and she’ll turn out evil just like her father. Which is why I mention the Jean Gray parallels, the massive power they’re born with, and the massive responsibility they threeofre have to control that power and the pressure they deal with eventually causes them to crumble.

Of course I don’t think they’re the same there’s a lot that makes Raven unique, despite the fact that Raven has good intentions, and is almost always breaking herself trying to help others, due to the social isolation she experienced as a kid she’s unable to make her intentions understood and so most of the people in her friend group just leave Raven alone. She is offputting, and weird, and people don’t get her, despite all of the titans agreeing that Raven is nice, and their friend. It’s not just something other people do to her though, Raven also isolates herself, because she is afraid of that loss of perfect control that has been drilled into her since she was a kid.

There’s also a lot of interesting development as Raven grows into more of a person, because she explores new emotions with the joy of a child discovering things for the first time. She makes relationships with people and makes major mistakes, like mistaking friendship with Dick Grayson for love, or getting taken advantage of by what she thinks is her first love. There’s also a lot of interesting contrasts with Raven’s character, like her demonic other persona, vs how innocent she is as a person who grew up in another dimmension experiencing the world for the first time. Also, in spite of the fact that Raven is so selfless she’s practically a pushover, she still experiences just as much as character conflict as all of the others, because of her tendency to withdraw, keep secrets from others, bush off other peopel’s concerns for her well being, and also other peopel’s general mistrust of her due to the nature of her powers. One of the things I like to say is Kory and Raven are almost complete opposites as characters, and yet despite that they’re both equally interesting and well developed because we are in their heads enough to understand their world view and how different it is from our own. They’re both aliens and outsiders trying to find somewhere to fit in and belong and that’s Teen Titans character writing at it’s strongest.

#1 Tara Markov / Terra

You would think my favorite would be Raven, but no, it’s Terra. Terra is also a character in the 2003 adaptation who is a pretty big change, though unlike Raven I believe the stuff they added to her character always existed in the subtext. Terra was always a runaway, she was the half blooded bastard royal child who was epxerimented on and given powers, and ran away from the throne. If you analyze the (GROSS THING THAT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HERE BUT IF YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW) in the original Judas Contract storyline, then a lot of Terra’s more unsavory behaviors make sense. Terra is someone who was always sympathetic, she just never showed those sympathetic qualities, because she was too busy trying to be the BADDEST BITCH EVER.

THat’s what I like about Terra, she is the original OG Bad Victim. Terra has the same kind of sympathetic backstory as Starfire, or Beast Boy, but her trauma doesn’t make her a better person, it makes her a worse and more unstable one. Sometimes victims don’t become heroes, sometimes trauma causes people to act in unsavory ways. The whole point in Terra’s character is that she would never have made it as a hero, and yes while the original Judas Contract does victim blame her a little bit in regards to Slade and paint her as a sociopath rather than a teenager being taken advantage of, the entire arc is also written around the fact that Terra was always going to fail at being a hero. THe Teen Titans did love and accept her, but their attemps to reach her failed. Terra shows a few times she’s actually capable of loving and caring for people in an unselfish way (she cares for Brion, and wishes him to stay far away from the Titans for Danger b/c she thinks he’s too soft), she even shows moments where she sees the things she has in common with Beast Boy and sympathizes with him a little because they are both kids who have been stepped on in life.

Terra is capable of all of these things, and she’s a symptathetic victim, but that doesn’t change the ending, she still fails. Judas Contract is up there with Under the Red Hood in one of the few comic book arcs that’s a near perfect tragedy. I think a lot of Terra’s character gets lost in the discussion on whether she deserved her ending or not, or victim blaming, like the whole point about Terra is she’s a bad victim of trauma, who lashes out in bad ways, so those discussions kind of miss the oint. Romeo and Juliet is always going to end with them killing themselves, Judas Contract always ends with Terra bringing the tower right down on herself. People are like “Why does every Teen Titans adaptation do Judas Contract? Why do I have to watch Judas Contract for the third time?” it’s because it’s good! THe same reason every X-Men adaptation tries to do Dark Phoenix, there’s just something deeply cathartic about the whole arc where a character gives into their worst flaws. Terra is so interesting because she is so heaily flawed, and those flaws are all human flaws, and even flaws the heroes share with her, and rather than overcoming she crumbles.

See, I love Terra, and I do think you could do a version of her where she does live past the Judas Contract, but most of the time when people do that they sand down the edges of her character. The Young Justice version of Terra is just awful, number one she barely talks and Terra is one of the mouthiest most ascerbic characters in comics, and two a little bit of empathy on the part of the heroes is all that it takes her to turn. Brion’s almost the more interesting character in that cartoon adaptation because he actually has flaws and gets worse and fails. The comics even tried to reboot Terra’s character a couple of times, first with the Terra clone, and then passing the mantle of Terra onto someone else and both versions are just boring. Terra is interesting because she has a standard hero tragic backstory TM, but she came out the other side so flawed. THe best versions of her preserve this warts and all. Terra isn’t a perfect innocent angel, but that also doesn’t mean she’s not a victim, or invalidate the genuine trauma she went through. Therein lies the rub, and also the complexity.

Anyway, she’s my favorite comic book sociopath (this is a joke) accept no other substitutes.

#teen titans #terra #tara markov #raven #raven roth #garfield logan #beast boy #dick grayson #robin #starfire #spooky speaks #comic book blogging #teen titans meta

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