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medicslover · 1 year

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In Your Bedroom

THIS IS 18+ !!!! NSFW !!!!

Cross-posted on AO3! The reader is very clearly a self-insert of myself, so be nice! these are MY personal headcanons for Tommy, in which she is transfem and a lesbian, sorry man likers. Do not envision a genderswapped Thomas when reading this please!! My version of Tommy is not going through a transion besides growing out her hair and is happy with the way she looks. Think of canon Thomas with longer hair instead. Have fun!!

Summary ~ Tommy and the reader cuddle while they play Splatoon 3 and then bone.

Warnings: Breeding and sickeningly sweet fluff

Word count: 1647

Dry Texas heat sticks to your skin, even with the ceiling fan on full blast you are no match for the sheer amount of heat. Thomas, the gentlelady she is, crept downstairs to get you the strawberry Monster you had brought over earlier today to share. The little game system rests in your hands as you wait to be placed into a match, quiet music falling upon deaf ears. You lean back, looking up at the decorations hanging from the walls, and you notice Ozzy staring into the inky depths of your oh-so-edgy soul. Giggling at that thought, you look back at the game; a little pinging noise rings out, Finally!

The internet here sucks ass, you had to have been waiting for at least 5 minutes, but that doesn't stop you from trying. (even if you get kicked out and temporarily banned for an hour.) The match starts, and you can hear the creaky bedroom door open, and the trademark heavy footsteps mixed with the shuffling of their feet against the floor.

"Welcome back Pookie!" You squeal quietly as she sits down next to you on the bed, placing your respective can of Monster on her side table. her face crinkles at the nickname you bestowed upon her. They start typing on their phone, so you go back to killing other players with Aerospray spam, successfully team-killing all four enemy players.

"RAAAAH!! eagle emoji, eagle emoji, eagle emoji, fire emoji, American flag emoji!" you exclaim, making sure to be careful with your voice to not wake up Ms. Luda Mae in the next room. A robotic feminine tone rings out into the quiet room shortly after your outburst,

"Shark attack in the aquarium, shark atta- shark attack in the aquarium, sha- shark- shark attack in the- shark-" you look up at Tommy, her phone in her hand, spamming her TTS app. She looks so proud of herself, a smile playing on her lips like she wants to laugh. They look so pretty like this, leather mask abandoned from her face, scarred cheek on display, you can see into her mouth through the hole. She's missing her nose but it doesn't seem to take away from her beauty. her scarred cleft lip twitches as she notices your staring, smile faltering for a moment.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was staring directly at you." You exhale, feeling the warmth of fresh blood rush to your face, you can only hope that the red fairy lights strung from the ceiling can hide it. Looking back at your game, you check the map. The opposing team managed to infiltrate your team's base while you were AFK. With only a few seconds left, you accept your defeat and place the Switch down on the bed next to you. You look back up at Tommy, she's watching you carefully, "You're just really pretty, sometimes I can't help myself, and I space out when I look at you. You know I think you're the prettiest person I've ever been with, right?" you clarify, you lean into her, pressing your face into her meaty shoulder. God, I love this woman. you think, inhaling her honey-like scent.

"You're too sappy. I love you." The robotic tone spits out. Tommy's large hand wraps around your wrist, the one with the matching half-heart pendant to hers. She brings your wrist, and attached hand, up to her face, Pressing her lips against the back of your hand. She begins their little routine of treating you like Morticia Adams, herself playing the role of Gomez. She trails kisses up your arm feverishly, only stopping momentarily when she gets to the sleeve of her T-shirt. You laugh, letting yourself be manhandled by your girlfriend. She reaches for her phone again, "Nice shirt." The monotone voice rings. The voice was right, it is a nice shirt, especially because you stole it from a very pretty lady. It hangs too big on you, even being a bigger person yourself, like a dress more than a shirt, it has the Slipknot logo printed on it.

"Thanks! You'll never guess where I got it," You giggle. Thomas continues her kisses up your neck, craning down to meet its height. She moves up, kissing where your face meets your ear, trailing to kisses all over your face. She lets out a dramatic airy sigh, placing their final kiss on your lips. You lift your leg and use the hand that is holding your wrist to create the momentum needed to fling yourself on her lap. You wrap your thighs around her hips as much as possible, fitting together like a puzzle piece. Your head is right at her chest level because of the height difference, so you lean forward and pretend to sleep, your head in between her very muscly and meaty breasts.

"I'm so in love with you, Tommy." You lift your head to look at her, a small smile playing on your lips. Her eyes light up, and she softly wraps her arms around your waist. She stares down at you for a few moments, tilting her head as if that would help her read your mind. She tests her luck, rolling her hips in an attempt to grind into you. "Oh, um, if you're asking if we can do that then it's a yes!" you squeak, quickly adding, "Only if you want to though! I didn't mea-" You're cut off by her face smooshing against yours.

She rolls you onto your back, towering over you as she takes off her tightly fitted shirt, and slips out of their jean shorts. They grab their phone again, scrolling for a little bit before the red stereo blinks on with a "Bluetooth connected!" She smiles with her teeth, showing off her bigger-than-average canines. You're a mess, giggling and blushing and rocking side to side from where you lay, giddy with excitement and sheer love for the dork on top of you. Custer by Slipknot comes on before quickly Tommy lets out a nervous yelp, quickly changing it to No More Tears by Ozzy Osbourne.

"Nice save," You giggle, Tommy is quick to glare and bare her teeth, pushing up your (her) shirt and biting down on your plush stomach. You let out a yelp, attempting to cover your stomach with your hands, but Thomas is quick to catch them. Grabbing both wrists in one hand, she takes off your (her) shirt carefully, making sure your hands can't escape her grasp. She uses one hand to slide your pink and white skull-and-crossbones shorts and underwear out from under you by lifting you. All the while you just can't stop giggling, She's so cute when she's like this.

She places her open hand between your legs, finding your clit with two fingers, she swirls around it gently for a few seconds before checking if you're prepared for her. She deems you adequate and lays herself on top of you very carefully, treating you like glass. She keeps their hand on your wrists, holding herself up some as she finds your entrance with the head of her penis. She pushes in with an audible whimper, burring her head into your neck and biting down hard. Her hair spills over your face, but you're too focused on her being inside of you for you to notice how it tickles your nose and cheeks. She groans into your neck as she starts rocking her hips, rutting into you. Her back is extremely arched so she can even reach your neck with her face.

She removes her face from your neck, lifting herself so she can hump into you better. She isn't even pulling out much, just chasing her pleasure inside of your tight walls. She's shaking with pleasure as she begins to finally pull out and push in normally, taking her open palm and covering her mouth to stop herself from moaning. Hot breaths escape from the hole in her cheek, and so do some soft, high-pitched, and whiny sighs. She grabs her phone in a shaking hand, and over the music, you hear "I want to breed you." in that same monotone voice. You know exactly what she wants to hear.

"Please? Will you breed me, please?" You whine, bucking your hips to meet hers. She quickens her pace, and soft slapping flesh sounds surround your ears. She lets go of your wrists and lifts your legs to her waist, motioning for you to keep them there. She slides her knees underneath your thighs and ass, holding you in a Breeding Press. You can feel your release approaching, but she looks closer. Tommy catches onto that fact at about the same time, rubbing into your clit softly with their open palm.

You grab onto the sheets tightly as an orgasm wracks through your body, and Tommy places her hand on your throat with a gentle squeeze. She rocks into you, and something warm spills into you as they keep going. When she's sure she's filled you enough, she collapses on top of you, soft belly pressing into your ribs and abdomen. She's quick to roll off and wrap her arms around you, grabbing her phone once again.

"Are you okay? did I hurt you?" she asks, nuzzling her face into my hair.

"Yeah, I'm okay! Are you?" You sigh with contentment, and she nods, almost purring as she curls around me, cuddling like a human pretzel. I turn my head to face her, placing a few kisses on her face. Her phone still in her hand,

"You looked so pretty begging to be bred, I bet you'll look prettier with my baby inside of you." The monotone voice mocks like it doesn't even know what it's saying.

"God you are such a lesbian, Tommy." You giggle, finally burying your head in her neck and falling asleep.

#thomas hewitt x reader #thomas hewitt x you #thomas hewitt x y/n #thomas hewitt #luda mae hewitt #x reader #self insert

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ayamturd · 3 years

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bisexual│mcyt hc

warnings: small mentions of hate, fluff

prompt: (requested 1 & 2) “Hello uh I saw one of your posts about the dream smp reacting to you coming out so I was wondering if you haven't already done it can you do dream smp reacting to you coming out as bisexual?”

“Hello yamturd so I was wondering if maybe you could do tubbo, Tommy and Ranboo reacting to reader coming out as bisexual or lesbian if you haven't already done it :)”

pairings: irl platonic! dream, ranboo, tommy and tubbo ; c!technoblade

a/n: if i offend or misinterpret anything in this hc, please feel free to message and correct me otherwise. i will always try to correct or delete this post if asked so <33

sending my love to all those who identify as bisexual <33

wc: (1.5k) - m.list

dream -

considering his prideful personality sometimes, you probably wanted to play with his ego and drop subtle hints

not anything too obvious, but enough to make him kick himself when he realizes

though it was admittedly difficult since he plays into the dnf ship so much that he thinks you’re also joking more than half the time

imagine you two were in a voice call one evening and randomly discussing the recent fanon and what would be funny to turn into canon (to mess with the fandom)

you’ve been recently shipped with two other content creators, both of opposing female and male gender, separately and together

“Honestly, I wouldn’t mind hitting that.” “Which one?” “Both.”

He’d laugh, but you didn’t.

“Wait, you’re serious? You actually identify as…?” “Bisexual. Yeah, I’m pretty sure anyway.” “Y/n, that’s amazing.”

takes pride in the fact that you trust him, but would feign being upset that you messed with him for as long as you did

be jokingly offended if he found out someone knew before him

“Wait…” “Yes?” “You told Bad??” “Yeah, he was one of the first.” “W— Why??”

It was your turn to laugh while he gawked in disbelief.

“It’s Bad! Of course I told him.” “… Fair enough.”

hate is a given, and he’ll always be there to support and defend you

he’ll always ask your permission before taking any action, however, because he respects you too much and knows you can fight your own battles

dream is someone will show relentless support, whether that be through words or moral support, he’ll always be there for you

c!technoblade -

i honestly feel like you never officially came out to techno

as you began to recognize yourself as bisexual, you slowly expressed yourself around him more openly to the point where he unconsciously knew

it’d probably would have hit him in the most random moment after months of assuming he knew

imagine you’re in the midst of battle when techno paused entirely with wide eyes

“Y/n!” “What!?” “Are you gay??”

you would tease him when discussing your love life in one-sided conversations with him; him basically choosing to ignore you when you talk to him

“Honestly, Techno, how could you not want to hit that?” “Please, just stop.”

(i’ve written this before but will stand by this that) he truly doesn’t care for your sexuality

you’re a friend, someone he trusts and relies on, he doesn’t need to consider who you’re attracted to since he sees you for your skills and friendship

the only, and only time he is mindful of your sexuality depends on others unnecessary comments about it

the smp is a known judgement free land, but there will always be someone with ignorant opinions that he is always quick to shut down (or kill)

nothing much can be said besides the fact that you’ll always be y/n to him: a loyal friend and someone he would fight the world for

ranboo -

oh sweet ranboo, dear ranboo

considering how openly supportive and kind he naturally is, you didn’t question the idea of telling him

i’d like to imagine that unlike most where you planned or waited to tell, the moment you knew, he would know soon after

imagine you called him before he began his lore stream to hype him up

you both were talking about more mundane things to calm his nerves as people joined when you brought it up

“Oh actually, before you start, I wanted to tell you something.” “Sure, what is it?” “Well, I— I’m Bisexual.” “…You’re tELLING ME THIS WHEN I’M ABOUT TO START MY STREAM??” “Y/n! I’m so happy for you, that’s amazing!”

he’s incredibly patient concerning how you wanted others to know or when you were ready to be completely out

similar to c!techno with the same beliefs you’re still y/n, and nothing has changed besides you coming out as yourself

he’s your go to when days are rough, because he knows how to help you understand you’re still loved as the same y/n and nothing less

“Hey, hey, listen to me. I love you, y/n. We all do, and you’ll never be alone when things get rough, alright?” (love /p)

knows how to silently deal with hate in his chat unless it becomes evident enough to address it (doesn’t want to bring attention to meaningless words until it becomes serious)

ranboo’s your rock and makes show that he’ll never believe anything other than that you deserve love

tommyinnit -

as someone who took pride in defending the LGBTQ+ community, you had no hesitation when coming out to tommy

if any, your reluctance would come from accepting yourself to the point to be open with other people

it’s not as if he didn’t accept you, he could never imagine doing so in the slightest, but he probably wouldn’t know what to say initially

imagine you both were in the midst of playing bedwars together in a recording for a video

he had been busy gathering emeralds while you remained at the base, and the comforting silence gave you the confidence to blindly address it

“Hey Tommy?” “What, y/n? I’m in the middle of something right now.” “Oh, um, I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual.” “…” “…Tommy?” “…” “T— Tommy?”

it’d be dead quiet for a few seconds before you heard the noise of him rustling in realization

“Wait wait wait, you’re serious? You’re bisexual?” “Haha yeah, yeah, I am.” “WHA—!”

he was happy for you, to say the least

tommy loves to joke, and one he loved to make would be your attraction to both genders

you like women? pog!

you like men? a shame, honestly

if you were publicly out, his favorite bit would be to include you in his obnoxious swooning

imagine he was streaming while talking about his love for women

“Boys, honestly, the ladies just can’t resist me.”

The ding of discord notified you entering the call, the sound of your laughter immediately coming through.

“I agree, Tommy, I definitely agree.” “Y/n! You are attracted to women, and I am also attracted to women. You can agree women are amazing, yes?” “I can, Tommy. Women are indeed amazing.” “Good lad!” “Tommy, you do realize I’m not only attracted to w—” “Shush, we don’t speak of that.”

he showed his support by normalizing your sexuality, his acceptance quick and easily integrated into your lives

(this is getting long but—) tommy was well aware he lacked some knowledge when being in the LGBTQ+ community, but openly voiced his ignorance as a sign of awareness itself

he was always quick to correct either himself or others, he refused to accept slander of any type in his streams

would probably try to keep it light heartedly, but scold nonetheless

tommy was your figurative cheerleader, always there to include and uplift you, whether that be through the smallest gestures or loudest cheers

tubbo -

poor tubbo

since he wasn’t the most careful with secrets, you probably withheld telling him till you were ready for most to know

this isn’t to deter anything of not trusting him, he’s still supportive and loving tubbo that wouldn’t dare do anything purposeful against you

if anything, you might have forgotten that he didn’t know when you were casually taking about it within a group

imagine you and Ranboo were trying to get him to sleep one early morning but gave up

you started talking about personal stuff and the topic of your love life came up, specifically the attraction to someone of the same gender

“I don’t know, Ranboo, I mean, I think I like them but at the same time I’m not sure.” “That’s fai—” “Wait, y/n. You’re gay??” “Bisexual, actually.” “WaAA—”

his very sleep deprived state was extremely happy and emotional for you

he’s like the little duckling with a knife, like he loves you completely but will try to hurt anyone that offends you

like tommy, he has no personal knowledge when being in the LGBTQ+ community but will solely learn for your sake

whether you’re younger or not, tubbo never fails to remind you that he looks up to you

he gives his all and won’t hesitate to provide in any way he can if needed

“You matter,” he’ll always say, “you’re important and no one else’s opinion matter.”

is proud to be your friend and expresses his platonic love in full, for you’re you and are so brave to be yourself despite all

choosing not to tag my usual taglist just cause its a headcanon with a specific request <33 (huge ty to @basilly and @inniterhq though for the advice/motivation to finish this)

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cooloddball · 3 years

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This is going to be a super long analysis of jib3 starting with the opening ceremony to the closing ceremony so brace yourselves.

Please note I believe in the breakup theory so maybe my opinion in this one might be biased so please don’t come for me, lol.

I will put it under the cut to avoid overcrowding your dashes with cockles shenanigans.

Also, watch out for profanities and mature language.

And so it begins...

Opening ceremony

The camera used to record the opening ceremony is shaky.

Misha, Jason Manns, and Jarpad seem to be having a lot of fun together and Jensen is just looking at his besties talking to the man he loves and he knows he can’t have that so he just stands there looking at them. Poor guy.

Jarpad asks who took Misha’s riffle? Things are awkward, I honestly don’t know what’s going on.

Misha kisses a plushie while making eye contact with Jensen and Jensen is like “oh, oh, wow” while making eye contact with Misha. LOL. Jack help me. This is a lot!!!

Jensen takes a plushie from Sebastian and Jared takes the one Misha had.

Are you guys flirting about trying to see whether you can keep plushies alive?

Misha throws something at the fans, I think he was throwing treats from earlier or whatever it was and Jensen says “Misha is still throwing” I mean why?

Cockles Panel

Jensen is so extra in this panel.

First of all, when he and Misha come out (no pun intended) a song starts playing and he starts dancing. Jensen is usually so poised while dancing but he is over the top throwing his back and shaking his tush for the mish. I think he was trying a little too hard. Misha spares his ex-boyfriend’s tush a glance smiles and looks away. LOL. The whole thing was cringey, tbh. It was so unlike Jensen.

When Sebastian touches Jensen’s shoulder and says something to Jensen, he [Jensen] laughs way too hard. I would say he laughs abnormally-it’s loud and he throws his whole body into it like he’s trying to prove what Sebastian was funny and it probably wasn’t. He laughs so hard he ends up right on Misha’s side. and Misha laughs at that though.

Rich says something about something in the sac that hurts(It’s incoherent) and Jensen says it hurts right here pointing at his heart (I can’t hear what they are saying exactly so if anyone knows please let me know)

I don’t know if Mark P. was going to hug Jensen or not or he was pointing at something behind Jensen, but at that moment, Jensen sees Sebastian going to hug Misha and whips his head away from Mark P’s direction so fast he almost broke his neck.

Sebastian humps Misha (these two are so playful I love them) and Jensen is just there acting awkward

There’s a comment by Rich about “It’s over, the convention’s over I’m no longer your bitch” I don’t know who this is about.

Now, now, now. This whole time Rich is doing a kissy mouth with his fingers on the monitor behind Jensen and Misha. His hand is right where Misha is standing (you’ll understand once you watch it) so Jensen makes a kissy face back and Misha is blushing? Ummm wtf is going on here?

Jensen also does something strange that he never does during cockles panels he pulls his seat away from Misha.

Misha makes a very weird comment about Sebastian’s libido drying up and they have a weird conversation about libido and Viagra ads. It’s weird.

It gets even more awkward Jensen talks about bringing a total stranger, and a blind date. And it goes downhill from there with them. The it wasn’t you it was me speech. It was special. So heartbreaking. It was clearly not about the show but about their relationship. I always have a difficult time getting through that part. It’s so awkward that the fans are just there wondering what the hell is going on.

They decide to take questions and the fan is all over the place so Misha interjects but Jensen won’t let Misha say what he wants to say so he says, “This is why you make it awkward. You never let people finish what they are saying.” Ouch. Domestic dispute vibes anyone?

The way Jensen is looking up at Misha when he’s answering that question. It’s like he wants to sear his face into his memory before they leave Rome.

Jensen is explaining to a fan how one of the four sound stages they had on set was full of furniture and Misha adds “and soiled mattresses” I mean what was the reason? Did they soil the mattresses with their [redacted]

A fan mentions something about Dean and Cas so these two adorable dorks smile and share a look. Things are starting to look up. Thank Jack.

The fan says something again (I can’t make out what he’s saying) but it must be something nice because they look at each other with smiles on their faces again.

Jensen playing with the head of his microphone. Is it just me or did the temperature rise a notch higher?

The way they look at each other when the fan says to help him choose the hottest female cast member on the show

Then something freaky happens they say the exact same thing as twins or bffs do sometimes. LOL.

When they start talking about the hot women with the fans Misha moves his entire body and now instead of looking at the fans, he is seated facing Jensen. The tension is simmering down.

A point to note is that in all their panels they always sit angled facing each other as opposed to facing the crowd save for this panel and DCCON 2019. But for DCCON I can understand that they weren’t comfortable being meant to be a J/2 panel and a creation event. So you know some people in that crowd are super mean to Mish and others to Jensen, so they had to tread carefully. But I digress back to the chaos.

They ask who wants to have a cockles panel the next year and they both raise their hands. I thought that was sweet

It’s adorable how Jensen keeps repeating everything Misha is saying.

Misha forgets himself and moves too close to Jensen to listen to the song on the phone. Jensen turns to look at Misha, I don’t know what that look is but Misha backs away laughing.

Jensen’s face journey while listening to that song is gold.

Misha moves closer to listen to the song. I have to say the way they are standing is not usually how two bros listening to music usually stand. If you know what I mean

Misha agrees that’s definitely Jensen singing. Of course, he knows because Mr. “Jensen sings to me all the time”

He looks so proud of him. I’d venture to say he’s happy to hear Jensen sing because he has always been so shy about that fact about himself. He even gives him a standing ovation. That’s so adorable. He loves him. My heart.

Jensen is so cute trying to deny it’s not him singing that song. Yeah, it’s you, Jensen. Even your ex agrees it’s you and we bet he knows how your voice sounds in all kinds of situations ;)

we get a tingly feeling so we know it’s you. Jensen’s adorable smile when Misha says that. Aww.

The way they are not even looking at each other but they are seated the exact same way.

Allow me to explain to my friend here. Explains how his parents didn’t know whether he was a boy or a girl. Misha with the steel chair, “when did they figure out that you were a boy?”

How many years did they call you holly?

For six to seven years

Is it just me or is this conversation a flashback of teenage twink-lesbian Jensen years?

Fan asks whether Dean will ever forgive Cas. Watch Misha’s body language, he is trying to pacify himself by rubbing the back of his neck and fumbling with his shirt.

When Jensen says “ No!” without a moment’s hesitation, Misha looks distraught? I don’t know maybe I’m reading too much into this but I feel like this hit too close to home being that they were most likely broken up.

Misha however has a different opinion, “I think he has”

Jensen says, “Wishful thinking” and that elicits a smile from Misha.

A fan asks about Dean giving Cas the trenchcoat back and things get interesting. Weirdly, that Jensen can’t say the word gay out loud. He literally uses the word “unmanly” in its stead in the guise of censorship? It’s not a bad word Jensen you can say it. However, Misha and the fans say the word so I’m wondering who is censoring Jensen’s use of that word. He eventually says it but super fast.

Jensen says that saying “I always knew you would come back” is not something he would say to another human being, especially a man. Jesus, there’s nothing wrong with saying that to another human being you care about. He’s the one making it gay. He was extra when answering that one.

They spent one and half hours making that scene just to end up not saying anything and it ended up looking gay anyway. Anyway, that’s interesting.

Jensen angles his body towards Mish and says in a very low soft and sexy voice “I guess I really hoped that you would come back some day” I would venture to say that Jensen at the moment in the panel was actually saying them to Misha. Who knows though?

They talk about it a whole lot for something that bothered him that much.

Misha being so excited about recreating a scene when a fan told Jarpad he’s amazing and Jarpad said "you are welcome.

“I think I understand what she wants. I’m not sure what she’s gonna get.” This is a very good line Misha. I will be using it often.

The way they awkwardly stand too close and whisper to each other. Umm…what is going on here?

Jensen folds over laughing because of something Misha says. They are back. The tension is almost 90% gone now and they are in their element.

The chaos of recording the alarm ringtone for the fan was just great to watch. They kept getting closer and closer and I think they might have shared spit at that point. Gross….LOL

The way Misha is sitting is he you know.

Jensen asking Misha whether he was saying anything or just screaming while they were recording. I think he just wanted to see Misha smile.

Jensen’s joy when a fan mentions that they have Misha’s résumé.

Jensen saying the word shit made my day. I curse a lot and it made me feel validated somehow.

Misha calls him dickhead in return and Jensen stops functioning and laughs instead . He also gets all hot and bothered trying to fumble with the lapel of his shirt. He does this a lot when he is turned on. He has a humiliation kink I think.

They start talking over each other about Misha’s special skills. Looks like Jensen might have known beforehand because he went straight for that. Or maybe he didn’t know but he knew since Misha is a mad genius there must be some amazing things in there. Either way, it was a good moment.

OMG Jensen is so excited and the way he motions to Misha to bring that résumé to him, LOL. This man was thirsty AF.

He even goes down from the stage to meet Misha and invades his personal space trying to reach the résumé. I think this is the moment the tension between them dissipated completely and they were back to some form of normalcy.

Misha holding Jensen’s shoulder trying to get his résumé back. Unsucessfully, I should add.

They read something funny and they fold over laughing and spin around like overjoyed seals. It is far removed from the mollusk family but at least it’s still a sea creature (I don’t know what I’m saying please don’t mind me)

Jensen is still on his knees laughing and can’t get up. As I said, he is being too extra in this panel.

Misha is trying to talk but they both can’t stop laughing. I think Jensen laughed so hard he got an extra set of abs that day.

Jensen is still laughing and you know what he is laughing at? Misha’s special skills being acting on camera. I mean it’s funny but man, prayforjensen.

They are still laughing. Jack, help them.

The way Jensen looks at Misha with pure adoration here makes me so happy and reminds me of the fictional characters they played being all heart eyes for each other.

Misha laughed so hard he cried.

Jensen trying to read the next ‘special skill’ Misha has but he can’t even talk because of how funny he thinks it is. He’s trying so hard not to laugh but he can’t help himself.

Jensen agreeing and also asking the audience to agree that Misha has a knack for certain accents. Accent kink anyone?

Jensen is so excited when Misha starts Tibetan throating singing and does the unicorn laugh facing away from the crowd. Bet he has experienced Misha’s Tibetan throat singing skills on a personal when they are (loud overhead helicopter noises followed by thunder rumbling)

Jensen falling to the ground after feigning a heart attack once he saw that Misha is a certified EMT. I mentioned before that I honestly, 100% think he wanted mouth to mouth. There’s no other explanation. He could’ve feigned a nose bleed or just about any other illness but he chose to fall on a dirty floor and lay down so Misha could either give him the breath of life or straddle him. Luckily for him his dream came true 7 years later at Jib9 when straddle gate happened. But I digress

Too bad Misha was still mad at him and heartbroken so he kicked him instead.

Jensen knowing that Misha kayaks seems to be part of his personal knowledge. Maybe they did it together sometimes.

Horseback riding. Hmm is it just me or do they seem awkward here?

Misha is so close to Jensen’s armpits. Must be missing his man’s musk and being held in those muscular arms again. Poor baby.

Misha can’t talk because of how funny he finds bicycle touring. I mean…I don’t see what’s funny but I guess he knows why it’s funny.

Misha laughing and raises his legs because Jensen is elaborating on the bicycle touring. Maybe it’s an inside joke or maybe it’s no longer funny to me because I’ve watched this panel like 5 times.

I think Jensen’s goal was to see Misha laugh and be happy because he turned to look at Misha who was still laughing hard and the joy on Jensen’s face. Aww.

Misha gravitating towards his man again. He must smell really nice Misha. And those arms. Bet he used to lift you against the wall and (this fucking thunder won’t stop rambling. Are chuck and Amara fighting again?)

Jensen marketing his man’s carpentry skills but then makes sure to make it ‘no homo’ by saying he would never sit on anything Misha has built. Sure Jan. Then he circles back and says that he knows that he can build things.

Misha walks away from him and he looks up to make sure where he is going. Maybe he was afraid Misha was walking out on him. (PTSD from their breakup?)

They mention acting on camera again.

And laugh

Jensen keeps talking about the acting on camera and watches to see if Misha is still laughing He still is and Jensen is happy that his baby is happy. He looks at him again and he is still happy that Misha is still happy. Then once the laughter dies down he starts talking about bicycle touring and checks again to see if Misha is laughing which he is so Jensen throws his head back unicorn laughing and then looks at Misha again to see that he’s still laughing. Then they look at each other and say something maybe it’s about that was a good laugh. Jensen is wiping tears from his eyes because of how hard he laughed Misha does the same. That entire thing was insane and they seemed to love it.

Jensen starts saying that being this happy or goofing around is how they are on set sometimes and have to take a 5-10 minute break and Misha doesn’t seem too happy at the mention of the set.

Jensen knowing that you can buy résumés on eBay. Did he buy Misha’s and then plant someone in the audience to bring it up or? Okay, yeah I know I’m reaching here but it’s probable.

I guess my theory wasn’t farfetched because Jensen says that he’s pretty sure that Jarpad put it on eBay the previous night so maybe he is the one who did all that to win Misha back?

Jensen knows the appellation clogging is a stretch. Seems like Misha has told him about it before.

Jensen looking at his watch to see if they have time for Misha to be telling a story about his high school sweetheart and now wife. I bet he wishes Misha could tell their love story so openly. He can’t stop looking at Misha.

The way Jensen is looking at Misha here. WTF man? He’s literally confused about what the question is.

The personal space question. This whole thing was just so many things. It was awkward, cringey, thirsty, funny.

when the fan asks whether there’s a funny fact between Jensen and Misha. I almost fainted. What? And Jensen repeats it. The two men are so stoic. They are not even looking at each other. They are looking at the fan like the way a statue stares at you, unmoving. Cringe.

The room is so quiet. Poor girl, I hope she didn’t feel awkward afterwards because if it were me, I would’ve cried from how stoic they looked and how quiet everyone was.

How they both scratch themselves, Misha on the head and Jensen on the nose. Maybe the question hit too close to home

Jensen turns to look at Misha as if to say ’help me out here man. We don’t wanna disappoint our fans.”

Misha gets it because he gets up. This whole thing is gold.

The way Jensen breathes out in anticipation. I know it was like they were playing a skit about personal space but why was he breathing like that? Shouldn’t he have been playing it as ‘uncomfortable’ not ‘turned on.’ Boudoir mannerisms.

Moving on Misha is unsure on where to touch Jensen 40.31. This is weird in and of itself because usually, they don’t have a problem touching each other’s faces, tush, eggplants, (jib4 anyone), backs et cetera. But now it’s weird? *cough* breakup *cough*

Misha touches Jensen’s ear and Jensen literally moans. He frigging moans people. In case it is not clear in the video, here is an isolated audio version of it. Jensen is also fumbling with his shirt like he’s all hot and bothered. Just like Misha did earlier. Was Jib3 their couple’s therapy that reminded them how happy and horny they made each other?

Jensen is really not answering the question, to be honest. He’s fumbling for words and trying so very hard to make sense but his word are incoherent.

Misha going in for the nose dip. I know friends do this all the time but you have to be very close and familiar with someone such as a friend friend or a sibling for you to poke a finger in their nose. I mean noses are slimy and eww…anyway. That happened. They seem so comfortable with it. Jensen I love you but please stop talking.

The way Jensen looks at Misha. He has the cutest smile on his face as if saying thank you for making that fun and making me horny, I still want you.

Misha wiping his pinky that touched Jensen’s nose on his pants. (I wanted to add something disgusting about what heshould’ve done with that pinky but I won’t so let’s move on)

Jensen wiggling his nose.

When Misha suggests that Spn moves to Nickolodeon. Jensen laughs a bit too hard.

Misha talking about spn being a puppet show reminds me of how he mentioned them having a puppet show in Jensen’s backyard after the show is over.

Jensen also saying that in a way spn is a puppet show. I mean is someone making snide comments about how their strings get pulled and sometimes they are not happy about it. Like how they fired his boyfriend. It seems like it’s an inside joke.

They named the plushie Zippy aww :))

For jack’s sake guys, the way they look at each other when they mention that the résumé was the highlight of the panel.

Jensen saying the more dirt you dig up on Misha, the more rewarded you are. Aww, someone’s trying to win his man back by any means necessary. You go girl…I mean Jensen.

He talks more about how he’s looking forward to next year when fans have more dirt on his friend Misha. Jensen didn’t want to leave the stage, he was lingering so he could spend more time with Misha.

It’s over guys.

Closing Ceremony

I know you didn’t ask for the closing ceremony but here you go. It’s a free gift.

Can I just mention how Jarpad is an overactive puppy? He has to play with anything and everything he finds.

The mc announces Misha twice for some reason. The second time Jensen looks in Misha’s direction with a small smile on his face. He [Jensen] is also chewing vigorously.

Jensen and Jarpad being typical dude bros and karate chop Rich. This is why the difference between his relationship with Jarpad and Misha stands out. He would be too busy making heart eyes to Misha to kick another guy. LoL.

Jensen hulking out when Jarpad is taking a video of everyone. Lol. This video keeps reiterating my point that his relationship with the two men is just different.

Jensen keeps looking in Misha’s direction, Misha who is busy talking to Steve and having fun. Let me also mention Steve is Jensen’s bestie and so are Jarpad and Misha, but I’m sure that Jensen felt some type of way, jealous when they were having so much fun with his man and he couldn’t. Jarpad also takes a while filming Misha for Jensen of course. They remind me of me having a crush back when I was in school. Wait, did Misha look at Jensen? It’s hard to see because the angle of the video is not expansive but I guess he was.

As soon as Jarpad gets back, Jensen takes the camera from him and starts filming fans. I’m sure he just wanted Misha to look at him

Rich mention’s Misha and something about acting on camera and Jensen licks his lips looking at Misha (I think).

Jensen then vigorously grabs the microphone from someone immediately and mention’s Misha. Jarpad’s reaction at that moment tells you everything you need to know about what’s going on between Jensen and Misha. It looks like he is pleading with Jensen in his head saying, “Don’t embarrass yourself bro. Please don’t” but it’s too late.

Jensen again talks about Misha’s résumé and specifically about acting on camera, the thing that made Misha laugh out loud during their panel. Someone’s smitten. Defending his ex-man.

Jarpad goes to whisper something to Misha. And they laugh while Jensen is thanking the jib staff for doing an amazing job. But when he sees the duo laughing, he loses track of thought and says “and they are all getting married” dude what ??? How do you go from thanking people who worked on the convention and in .1 seconds you are talking about they are all getting married? Who is? Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? No one gets it, he says he’s kidding and gives Jarpad the microphone, spares a glance at Misha and he seems distraught from that moment on. I wish I could see Misha’s face through all this.

He’s glancing in Misha’s direction again. Man’s got it bad. What?! Oh to be loved by Jensen Ackles. Misha must be a prize, I know he is a mad genius and gorgeous and sexy as hell with that golden skin that looks like it was dipped in gold and honey, big blue eyes that are bluer than the bluest blue, but Jensen wtf man? You are in public.

I think Jarpad is telling Jensen something maybe it has to do with what he and Misha were talking about earlier?

And it’s over people.

Overall, I agree with the breakup theory. I mean the way these two were acting around each other was very strange. If you watch Misha and Jarpad, they seem okay from the opening ceremony up till the end but Jensen and Misha are just being weird.

The panel was mostly fun but their body language told a story that something was definitely going on between them.

@littlewolf2703

#jib3 #jibcon 2012 #jib3 analysis #jib3 cockles panel #cockles #this was a doozy #glad to be done #there was a lot going on in that panel #cockles break up #cockles break up theory

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shoyouth · 4 years

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Hey you’re writing is really cute and I saw your hcs for a mc with a girlfriend and I really loved it! Do you think you can do a ikevamp suitors react to a transgender mc? One who was born female but identifies as a man? Lgbqt otome fans don’t get enough love so I’d be super awesome if you could write something ❤️

Hello darling!! I’m so sorry this took me a month or so to get to, but I’m glad to be doing it now! I also had an ask for a non-binary!mc but since I feel like all the suitors would treat the two similarly, I’ll be trying my best to fit it into one/accommodate both here :) hope you enjoy, love! Please lmk if anything sounds sketchy/offensive, since I don’t have experience with this myself!

napoleon ; okay. You stare at him dumbstruck bc he’s not taken aback for a moment, he just shrugs and then asks if you want to spar. I feel like he’d treat you v similarly to issac and jean even if you are his lover, bc there’s a v specific respect and care he treats those two with, a way he looks out for them. Would never falter with your pronouns, and if anyone makes a comment he’s like?? Your point?? They’re obv a man/non-binary, idk how you’re seeing a woman. He would also never hesitate to draw out his sword if anyone dared to grow a little too bold/rude.

arthur ; handsome ol’ chap! absolutely slathers you in compliments to validate your identity and make you feel confident, you almost wonder if he likes the way calling you by your pronouns rolls off his tongue. Though he normally was into women, I don’t think he would be opposed to dating you at all, and would grow icy with others who made comments about your relationship. He’s be very vocally supportive, but his teasing compliments will take a softer, more sincere turn if you ever need him to remind you that you’re valid.

mozart ; I see him helping you fix up your appearance ngl? Like not spending a bunch like comte, but silently aiding you in how to appear/act manly/non-binary for the 1800s, such as fixing/trimming your hair into a more “fashionable” look for the times, or nonchalantly informing you that your sleeves should be a little longer. He doesn’t do this to invalidate you at all! He thinks it’s a more subtle way of helping you feel confident navigating their world in your own way. Never hesitates to inform you that you look rather dashing that evening, or to run his finger along your chin with a proud/loving gaze in his eyes.

leonardo ; he’s immortal, he’s heard many a things that haven’t been considered ‘the norm’ for the times. He just kind of nods and takes a step back to admire your face, saying that your features are beautifully androgynous/masculine. If you bind your chest, he’ll frown if you suggest using a kind of corset, and will instead get to work tinkering a more comfortable and safe binding for you to use. Always refers to you as your desires pronouns, and corrects anyone who uses incorrect ones nonchalantly. He likes that he can get away with certain things with you that normal het couples wouldn’t be able to.

vincent ; I think he’d be intrigued and easily adapt to your pronouns; he’d treat you with respect regardless. He’s probably heard of transgender/non-binary before, but I think he, like leo, would spend a lot of time admiring your face and the way you present yourself. Will constantly compliment you, but unlike arthur, it’s not to fluster you or subtly make you feel confident, but bc he keeps finding things about you to be in awe of. You’ll be a very common subject in his sketches and paintings because of the way you hold yourself.

theo ; His brows raise a bit, but they lower just as quickly and he accepts it. You almost think he doesn’t care/remember bc he always calls you a dog instead of your name/pronoun, but he instantly corrects anyone who uses the wrong one, and glares at anyone who gives you shit. If you ever get down on yourself for your appearance not matching your identity, he sternly sits you down and firmly lists everything about you he finds beautiful and fitting to what you want to be. And though it wasn’t his intention, you never fail to grow flustered bc of the little details he’s picked up on, due to the nature of his job rubbing off on his own perceptiveness.

issac ; A little flustered boy. Similar to jean, I think he’d have the right attitude but be a bit clumsy about it. He doesn’t want to offend you! Ofc being trans/a man/non-binary doesn’t matter, he just loves you, but he’s anxious and overthinks how he address you, how he acts around you. Should he not call you petnames? Are those considered feminine? Am I invalidating them by using them?? He just grows stiff and nervous and you have to remind him to breath: just use the correct pronouns and respect you, there’s not much else to it. After a while he relaxes and it comes easier, but he just doesn’t want to lose someone else he loves of his own doing.

dazai ; I will admit he’s a little hard to grasp for me, but I believe that elusiveness is a part of his character anyways lol. Nothing about how he perceives you changes. You’re still you, aren’t you? Doesn’t matter what gender you are, what name you go by, what appearance you have. Maybe his nickname for you will change, but that’s it. I feel like with him you may not even be aware of your gender/it’s impact, bc when you’re with him it doesn’t matter, so you feel light and free from having to think about/act like your identity. You’re just you.

jean ; I think he would be open-minded to it, albeit confused. If you took the time to explain to him what you identify as and what it means, he’ll accept it, not one for many questions. I personally believe he’d be awkward about it a bit?? But would never treat you wrong! I mean in the sense of those clumsy lgbtq+ supporters with the right attitude, if that makes sense lol? So unsurely asking if you’d like to spar...? Or constantly looking to you for confirmation on things you like, what you do, etc etc. Ik jean is supposed to be silent and intimidating, but I imagine him as a clumsy man whose seen too much and doesn’t know how to act bc he was robbed of a childhood, so yeah hopefully this makes sense!

comte ; he’s seen even more than leonardo bc he’s immortal and timetravels; it doesn’t phase him. Tbh he just beckons you to come shopping with him so he can find you the latest male/androgynous fashion, with charming suits and coats and hats. For binding, he’ll try his best to buy you a safe kind, or he may enlist Leonardo’s help or even go to the future to find you one—nothing is too much/expensive when it comes to you. Will always treat you right/like royalty, and remind you that you’re valid and anything you need to feel that way, he will make it so. Gets a v dangerous look in his eye if someone disrespects you.

sebastian ; he’s from the future, so nothing new. Honestly he may even be relieved?? Idk he’s just so formal and polite that I think he’d feel more relaxed with another masculine/non-binary individual from the future, bc he would be able to talk in a certain way he would feel wasn’t as “proper” with a woman, if I’m making sense? He’d have no problem refering to you as your identity, and will always find a way to make you feel comfortable/valid, even if he needs to try and sew his own version of a binder for you.

shakespeare ; okay I’m sorry for those who like shakespeare but I feel like he’d lowkey fetishize it oof. Just like how I think he’d use unrequited love of a lesbian!mc to fuel his plays, he’d think of you as interesting inspiration—at first, at least. He’d run his hand through your hair, down your lapels as he admires you, amused, and it’s only if you grew cross and forced him to see you as your identity/a person, that he may fix his unhealthy perception. After reading Vincent’s route, I’ve come to think that you really need to push against him to reach his actual feelings/past his unstable/dangerous side. Once he’s over that, he would love to cast you as male roles in his plays, bc you have even more conviction than the regular men tbh.

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quaintqueer · 3 years

Text

I don't know what you think about labels, maybe you are the kind of person who watches shows like Marie Kondo where they organise people's houses and put sticky labels on everything so that you can easily identify the contents. Maybe you're the kind of person who does not like to be labelled or stereotyped. Maybe you prefer to be just yourself.

I have had a very complex relationship with labels and identity. You could say that I started off on the wrong foot. My mother went to a Baptist church on Sunday morning and a Charismatic/Pentecostal hands-in-the-air, shouting and screaming, spiritual warfare kind of church on Sunday night. And my dad had his Holy Communion as a kid and then went to mass on Easter and Christmas. So to begin with my labels were numerous and incongruent which did cause some issues for younger Zoe.

And I want to share with you about where God has led me through the understanding of this topic. I am not entirely sure where to start and I'm not sure how vague to be here but let's just say that at least the draft will be an explicit and partly chronological one.

12 year old Zoe I went to church most Sundays with her family and she was very very lucky to have a wonderful Christian friends in her life and at this point the label attached to her as a daughter was the unproblematic child and at school she was the sweet and friendly member of the God Squad or Singing Christians depending on how you asked. But those were the kind of labels that existed around that time.

What happens though to 12 year old Zoe is that she falls madly and instantaneously in love with her best friend. And almost immediately she thinks ‘am I in love with this girl? that must make me gay.’ And being a part of the circles that I was in a fairly conservative Christian family and a fairly conservative Christian School with Christian friends in that Christian school, I said ‘absolutely not. I don't want to have to deal with that.’ I was never hateful towards gay people in general I just thought I just didn't want to deal with it myself. My mum and I had had conversations about it when the plebiscite happened, and whenever we spoke about it, it was very much about ‘the gay people’ as opposed to anyone we knew or loved, let alone a Christian person, and so this whole gay thing wasn’t really thought about. Ao a few times over the next 2 or 3 years so I would ask, ‘am I in love with this girl’ And I always concluded ‘no no no you can't be in love cos you're not gay’.

By the time I’m about 14, I’ve been awoken to all different kinds of social justice movements, I took sociology, I’m going to save the world. THe labels I proudly wear are things like left wing, passionate, an ally to many different communities, in particular the lgbtq+ community.

Zoe at one point goes ‘frick frack, I'm definitely in love with this girl’. and because of the way that this world really loves labels, this was completely synonymous in my mind with being gay. My first response was probably because I'm bisexual so now that is an importand confusing label Zoë is wearing. I have somewhat fond somewhat mortifying memories of sitting on the Shinkansen, the bullet train, from Tokyo to Kyoto next to my dad doing every single ‘Am I gay’ quiz I could find online. Throughout this trip to Japan, I’m really testing the waters and every single younger woman I saw I was like ‘Is she cute? Am I attracted to her? Would I kiss her?’ and so that experience made me very nervous because I had still grown up with the mindset that if people were gay it was ok but they weren't Christian. And I was a Christian, so I just ignored it really. And this turned into a time of me hypersexualising sll of the boys that I had ever thought I had a crush on. I can quite confidently say that I didn't actually have a crush on many of them, I just thought that that was something that I should do. So there was a lot of ignoring this feeling.

We then reach year 10, 2020, a glorious year. In the first Lockdown, I finally caved and downloaded Tik Tok. The thing about Tik Tok is that it comes with its own world of labels, and I really would enjoy the kinds of conversations about what side of Tik Tok you are on. I loved that your For You Page automatically gave you certain labels to wear as a Tik Tok user, and I loved that those applied to real life. I quite quickly ended up on gay Tik Tok, among other things. I was also very firmly on Black Lives Matter Tik Tok, on disablrf Tik Tok, on Indigenous Tik Tok, so on and so forth. But much of my content was about the lgbtq community and this opened a ahole can of worms. I, at this time, carried a lot of shame for my attraction to women. For a bit of a backstory, I had been so severely heartbroken by this girl - not by her own intentional actions, I think that she was never going to feel about me the way that I felt about her and that was not her fault - but I was so seriously heartbroken that not only did I hold this moral shame but also this like emotional shame of my attraction to women. I felt like it was not a good thing morally and it didn't feel good emotionally because I had to still been really hurt about this girl and I have never really gotten over that. So for the first time on gay Tik Tok, I saw queerness and same-sex attraction as a positive thing not only in terms of ‘hey look these are women loving woman relationships that are working well’ but also ‘whether or not you're dating someone, queer identity is good for you and it's fun to talk about’. And as a type 4 on the enneagram, I love to feel special - not to say that I fabricated these feelings or that any queer person is queer for attention - but I think a big part of me felt validated or special because of my feelings and my queeness. It was like a new club that I could join. And so the labels that 15 year old Zoe wears largely consisted of queer. We had it dropped bisexual a little bit because at this point I was not sure if I like men at all and so we identified as queer or sapphic or bi or lesbian or gay - many of these words along with the left wing, Pro Black-lives-matter, pro-feminism, pro-lgbtq+, anti-colonialist anti-capitalist etc. etc. And I don't want to demonize any of those things - they are not at all negative things, I'm just painting a picture of the different labels that I wore.

Through out starting to come out to my friends and existing for longer periods of time not only on gay Tik Tok but now really searching all through the Internet for more LGBTQ+ identity - as I tried to confirm my traction for women, as I tried to decide about my attraction to men, about what label I should wear, and what it's like being in the LGBTQ+ community different, spaces where we interact, different identities and labels and experiences of queerness. So I really tied myself to this identity and it is I think so much because of the way the world sees labels as I said and so my first response was ‘well if I like girls I must be gay and if I'm gay I must identify that way and that has to be the most important thing about me’ because all the people I was seeing online really loved being gay. They were proud of their identity in their queeness. In the world as much as I think that we like to think we’ve got this ‘your sexuality or your gender identity doesn't matter. Gay and straight and bi and pan and whoever you are, we’re all human’, I think it often the world does like to draw those lines on both sides. Within queer communities there was - obviously ironically and satirically - this heterophobia honestly. (I'm joking!) But there was a real pride in this identity of whichever specific label you wear as well as the wider lgbtq plus label which led me to believe my sexuality was who I was. And that proved really quite awkward because I knew that my church and my family and many of my Christian friends believed that same sex marriage and romance was sinful. Because of the strong connection between my identity and my sexuality, if my sexuality was sinful, that meant that I was inherently and completely sinful and I didn't like that. It wasn't a fun feeling. After all of the years of learning about God’s gift of grace to us, kind of I lost in the crevices of my mind and whenever I thought about God I was met with feelings of shame and fear and dread and resentment sometimes even anger and I grew to be so despairing.

Eventually I tried the various progressive Christianity movements that teach that ‘God doesn't actually say the being gay is a sin, the Bible is pro queerness and don't even worry about it, God made you exactly the way that you are and he loves you the way that you are, go forth and have that lesbian relationship that you so desperately want’. But that never really sat right with me. It brought up other questions of ‘well if the current translation of the Bible says things like marriage is between a man and a woman, God made man and woman, any sex outside of marriage is sinful, or even the parts that say that ‘homosexuality is sinful, or man lying with man in certain translations, is sinful what happened to that part of the Bible?’ And of course I heard the response about how at the Bible was written by man and not by God and that it is fragile and can be manipulated and basically King James ruined the whole Bible when he wrote that translation and you don't have to listen to it. But that really didn't work for me. If that part of the Bible had been mistranslated how could I know that the rest of the Bible hadn't been mistranslated? If words like homosexuality weren't in the original text and they had been added there or mistranslated how could I understand the words like grace and love and hope and patience and kindness and peace and righteousness and holiness and justice? What if they were mistranslated? What if the whole Gospel was not how it was written in the Bible because the Bible was man-made? Pretty immediatelyI decided I couldn’t really understand a Christianity where homosexuality is not a sin because Christianity is written in the Bible and the Bible says that quite clearly. I believe that the Bible is directly the Word of God, that it is perfect, that the way that it is translated - obviously different translations vary - but that it is right from God’s mouth so imediately was like I can't believe in it Christianity where homosexuality is not a sin and so I've got to pick Christian or Gay.

And I didn’t want to choose Christian because I had this point has grown quite fond of being gay and I mean, I was truly just attracted to women, right, like I wanted a girlfriend and so I tried really hard to ignore God. I was still going to church, twice or three times a week and all that, and I could not shake the existence of God. I knew God existed. I knew that He created the world, that He was good and that they was the thing called sin that separated us from him. I knew that sin led to death. I knew that He had sent His Son to bridge the gap between himself and sinners. I knew that Son was Jesus and that He died on the cross and he rose again and I knew that if you believed in him you would spend eternity with God which was a really good thing. I could not shake those feelings, all those beliefs, and I absolutely praise God for that. I'm so beyond grateful that God did not leave me, even when I hated him and resented him and felt so much anger towards him. Praise Jesus!

All this left me thinking, well some people could go to heaven, but God hates me because of my feelings. He does not want me part of His kingdom if I'm gay. I can't ever go to heaven because I'm a sinner, and sinners don’t go to heaven. I truly don't know where all my years of learning about the grace of God had gone. This led me to a really distressed position, probably one of the lowest ever my mental health had been. I was just not coping and I ended up being kind of forced to tell my mum. I don't really want to say too much on this part of the story but by the middle-ish end of year 10 I ended up coming out to my mum and she told my dad, ‘cause I refused to do it myself, and then I got a therapist. Finally, now that my mum knew, I could ask her what I had so desperately wante to ask her - if she could please buy me some books about being gay and Christian. And so she did. And I slowly but surely started to read them, I started to read my Bible more and I started to really search for what it meant to have faith trust in God’s grace and not in your own work, not in your own actions or thoughts or words. The first book I got in particular was really hard to read it was based more on specific Theology and not on personal experience and I needed that foundation in what God really said because I had just had conversations with my mum and she had reminded me ‘God is real and he loves you and he sent his son to die for you and that is an option for you as much as it is for anyone else, your queerness does not separate you from Christ's death and resurrection’. There is a wonderful bible verse that became very important to me at this time. Romans 8, the very end of the chapter, says ‘for I'm convinced that neither death not life neither Angels not Demons need of a present or the future and or any Powers neither height nor depth nor anything else in All Creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our lord.’ So with this in mind, I decided that I could trust God and now I just needed to learn how. so I worked away through different books, through different parts of the Bible, praying really hard, searching online and asking really hard questions to some really awesome Christian women in my life, and asking God to reveal to me exactly what he thought about me and about queerness and so eventually we get to the present moment. I by no means know everything that I wish I knew, but now I can say that I wholly trust God with my next life - I trust that he has the power and the strength and the holiness to overcome even my sin which sometimes feels like the biggest there is. and I trust him with this life - that life with him is so much better than any lesbian affair I could ever experience.

I want to personally apologize to any one who the church or the world has ever made believe that they are somehow exempt from God’s love because of who they are or what they've done or how they’ve felt. That is false. There is no one that does not sin, no one that is not inherently separated from God. And there is no one who is too far from Jesus' power to be saved from that sin. God is bigger than your sin, I promise you.

I want to take this time to mourn for the lives lost and the joy and peace forfeited because of the way people who claim to know God treat queer people. I'm sorry if you have been made to feel less than because of the church. In the process of overcoming of guilt and shame that I have felt over the year, one more verse that I found really important. 1 John 1 says that ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.’

So for me, I don't identify with my sexuality. I don't want to say that I'm straight now, that's not really true. but my sexuality is not what makes me who I am. I am a person fearfully and wonderfully made by God and I am a daughter of God in Christ. I am not ashamed of my feelings. I do think that it is worth mentioning that an attraction or a desire or an impulse is not the same as a sin. The Bible tells us that Jesus himself was tempted in every way and the Bible also tells us that Jesus is blameless and never sinned. And so I think it's worth the clarification that same-sex attraction or anything like that is not sinful itself and also that being gay is never worse than anyone else's sin, and it is never ever bigger than God.

I just want you all to know that there is nothing that you have done that makes you exempt from God’s love for you, to know that he is trustworthy, that the Bible is trustworthy, and I encourage you that your value is inherent as a person made in God’s image and that with Jesus, you can have identity in his son alone. When he sees you, he sees the goodness and perfection of Jesus if you believe in him.

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anarcho-decepticonism · 4 years

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we fixed hsm

here are our 3 page fanfic plans

Troy & gabriella break up after like a month in college. Gabriella is around people smarter than her for the first time in her life & she’s really struggling & he doesn’t understand what she’s going thru & she realizes that he’s not that empathetic & bad at communicating. She’s single for like a year just adjusting to college & making new friends & figuring out who she is after hs & also not putting her entire identity in her intelligence. She tries out for theater & they’re like “you’re not that good at singing” & she’s like “never mind” bc she liked it because it was with her friends in the first place. She finds community elsewhere & eventually is in a more fulfilling & communicative & mature relationship

Troy is having a lot of trouble bc being a student athlete isn’t enough at FUCKING BERKELEY!!! And he’s having trouble at school. He also isn’t getting lead roles in the theater program bc it’s like. A hobby as opposed to his major/career path. He has to learn to like things without being the best at them & also communicate w people better. He’s no longer super special and the focal point of everything. He immediately tries to rebound by getting a new gf & she realizes right away that he just wants her to love him and pay attention to him and solve his problems and is like “fuck that dude go to therapy”. He goes to the school therapist which sucks but he finds a good therapist & like. Improves as a person lol. He has to think more abt the experiences of others and not need to have everyone love him all the time. He gets a dog -- good for him bc he has to be responsible for the life of something else but also dogs are very affectionate

Sharpay goes to UA & at first loves it bc she’s the star but then is super underwhelmed & depressed. She talks to Ryan and he’s like “you know you can just transfer” and she’s like “wow i’m so smart i’ll just transfer”. After like a semester she transfers to a different school with a good theater program (not Juliard tho). She has a good mentor figure who’s a prof who’s like “your ambition and drive are good things actually especially bc ur a woman and will be told that ur awful & bossy for standing up for yourself.” she makes her first real friend other than her brother (i am So sad) in a theater class-- not someone who worships her but like an actual human connection. Specifically a girl who she respects & doesn’t feel she has to compete with. She has a learning moment when her friend gets the lead role and Sharpay is genuinely proud of her and she realizes she wouldn’t have been suited to that part and that she doesn’t have to be the center of attention all the time. She learns to derive self worth from her love of theater instead of from everyone validating her. Also her friend is goth & tells her that all the pink she wears is bad. They both initially loved the theater bc they wanted to be accepted but learn together that they can just find worth in each other and themselves and their work. Also at one point Sharpay starts dating someone and gets really annoying and her friend is like “you’re being annoying” and they get in a fight and Sharpay is like “i don’t even like him that much but i feel like i have to be in a huge romance relationship (bc of troy and gabriella but also Society)” and this eventually leads to her realizing that she’s a lesbian and also that she has an unhealthy view of relatioships. She goes to therapy (it takes her a really long time to go but once she realizes she gets to talk abt herself she is more willing). Important that she does not date her friend (her emotional support system) but she does eventually get a gf. It takes her a long time to figure out how to be a good girlfriend and that her professional ambitions are different than her personal ambitions (she’s used to treating her relationships like a business instead of a two-sided thing where there needs to be emotional connection and both people being like vulnerable w each other)

Her and Ryan having space from each other where he can shine by himself and she feels like she doesn’t have to upstage him all the time. He feels for a long time that he can’t rely on her bc she’s a mess but eventually he texts her like 16 times in a row abt a person in his program he’s really annoyed at and she’s like “oh my god he’s ruining your show you Have to talk to the director!!!!” and it’s really helpful to just talk it out w her even if he doesn’t take her advice. It’s helpful for him to realize that it is a problem and he’s not overreacting but also that he should not take things to the extremes that Sharpay does lol. He should not poison this person. They eventually fall into a good & more balanced sibling relationship where they can rely on each other for a certain subset of things but they aren’t the only people in each others’ lives

Ryan meets other gay guys at Juliard who tell him that his hats are bad and show him how to dress not like an idiot. They’re like “it’s ok buddy. I know you were the only out guy at your high school but you don’t need to do that”. He’ll like. Do fine in college! He’s like fairly confident in his abilities and identity & good at like. Balancing career & personal life. He’s fine enough at school and doing well in his theater things. He’s charismatic and makes more good friends. He “formally comes out” to his parents in like a big thing. He choreographs it and makes Kelsey write him a song to sing. His parents are like “well we knew that but did you have to make it this much of a thing” and he’s like “yes”. His mom is generally more accepting than his dad and his dad is like “please don’t talk about this to the people at the country club” and he’s like “i… wasn’t? I don’t know these people. They’re your friends”

After college Ryan gets famous before Sharpay does and generally has a good thing going wrt doing choreography for “really important things” (he isn’t public facing)-- he’s good at choreo and also good at working with divas (thanks Sharpay i love u). He gets Sharpay a good role in a thing but he makes a big deal like “I got you an audition i didn’t get u the part u did it all yourself :)” but he totally got her the part lol in that he recommended her. She does a rlly good job tho (obvs) and does well in the spotlight bc she;s actually like. Hardworking and driven and good at musical theater. Her Big Break is in like a movie adaptation of a musical. She’s Glinda when they finally make a Wicked movie. The choreography is really good bc Ryan does it

Taylor tries to become a politician but slowly realizes that her passion for being an activist doesn’t super align with that and figures out that she wants to enact social change without like. Being a part of the system. She has a youtube channel where she talks about social issues and wears her stupid sweater vests & ties. Also she dates someone who likes women. Before she was invested in the public-facing aspect of the relationship and she learns what it means to actually have private moments of caring & how to not follow a stereotypical relationship and instead to do like. What she actually wants to. She’s bi and she dates a woman and enjoys not having societal expectations wrt how relationships are supposed to go. She dates a guy and realizes that a m/f relationship also doesn’t have to conform to societal expectations. Both are super important experiences for her even if neither are “endgame” (i love u matty)

Chad is heartbroken after Troy goes to a different school but tries to hide it/is in denial. He kind of lashes out at people who want to make friends with him and goes into a depression spiral. He eventually snaps out of it when Sharpay (who is still going to UA at this point) is like “what’s your problem?? Anyway i started going to therapy and it helped actually. Toodles!” and he’s like “what the fuck just happened” but he makes an appointment. The first session he’s like “hwatever this is stupid idk why i’m here. Whatever” and the therapist is like “yeah. Okay.” but he eventually opens up and then like. Learns to see himself as not part of a friendship or group/team and see himself as an individual. He gets over Troy, which takes him a while but he does it & we’re proud of him <3 it also takes a while to make friends who he can be emotionally vulnerable around bc he’s never really had that type of relationship before (bc he and troy are very guys being dudes & he like. Wasn’t super close w Taylor as they were p much just a relationship for show). He makes friends w both some guys and girls who aren’t all on the basketball team and has friends from lots of different places. This process takes him like. All of college.

Chad doesn’t date anyone in college and afterwards it’s super awkward bc it’s like the first time he’s actually dating someone. He ran into Ryan and they have a talk where Ryan’s like “you could’ve been my first love but you were never really emotionally available bc u were in love w a straight guy and also not confident in the fact that u are gay. Like that summer was fun but it wasn’t real” and chad is like “oh”. Ryan was like in a serious relationship at that point but didn’t mention it bc he didn’t want to feel like he was rubbing it in lol. And then Chad thinks about things. This is like during a Thanksgiving break while still in college. Chad eventually dates a guy who understands how it’s like. Hard to be gay and figuring out relationships and stuff at different life stages.

Kelsey gets negative feedback for the first time and freaks out but eventually learns that a prof who only gives positive feedback when she deserves it is good actually. She incorporates criticism and starts to write songs that don’t suck. She continues to wear awful outfits. She has a nice girlfriend who also wears awful outfits. They are an awful annoying couple but they’re happy. They do annoying theater kid things

Ms Darbus realizes that it’s bad to force her students to completely write & choreograph their own shows and stops pouring her entire life into high school theater and fixes her problems with her “legal domestic partner” whom she was feuding with

Zeke realizes that he likes Sharpay in the same way he likes celebrities and that isn’t a crush. He makes plenty of friends in college bc everyone loves a guy who brings baked goods to places. He continues doing basketball & baking as hobbies but neither is a career & he finds passion elsewhere. He loves doing whatever he’s currently doing but doesn’t have like a Thing he wants to do forever and it takes him a while to find a forever career. He ends up teaching a variety of classes at community college and is happy doing that but also he might not do that forever. He comes to terms with his “contentment w the transience of life” and is like “if i’m happy doing what i’m doing now then that’s good enough for now”. He serves as a good contrast to all of the super driven people who know exactly where they want to be (gabriella, sharpay, ryan)

We did it. we fixed high school musical

#when things are quoted it's bc matty said them out loud :)#txt #hsm

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inmusicalseveryoneisscreaming · 5 years

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Newsbians Mermaid AU- Chapter 0

For: @klaineharmony

“Miss Pulitzer!” Hannah swam her way through the castle, her voice hoarse from calling the name of the young princess. “Princess Katherine!” She called again, sighing as she flicked her baby blue tail in irritation. That girl never answered anything anymore, she was far gone. And, Hannah noted, Katherine swam with The Peace Merfolk. Mermen and mermaids who believed in peace and care throughout all five of the Mer Realms. And… Peace for those who loved ones of the same gender. Katherine called them lesbians and gay people, also throwing around terms like trans, pan, demi, and bi around. What scared everyone else is that a lot of merfolk were like that, including The Coral Realm’s princess.

Because, Katherine was attracted to other mermaids.

King Joseph Pulitzer, Kath’s father, ruled The Coral Realm. The largest of the five, and he made sure they only get more and more land from the others. The main victim? The Seashell Realm, ruled by Queen Esther and King Mayer Jacobs. They had three children, two boys and one girl, who all believed in peace and swam with The Seashell Realm’s Peace Merfolk. It was talk all over the Realms. How do children of the rulers of opposing Realms believe in peace?

Her thoughts were cut off when she found Katherine in a lone alcove of the castle, humming to herself as she went over The Coral Realm’s Peace Merfolk’s meeting notes. They'd found Etching Stones, of course. Katherine was a master at writing in those things. “Princess Katherine!” She called again. Katherine jumped, her light pink tail going upwards in surprise. She turned to face Hannah suddenly, uneasily laughing.

“Don't do that, Secretary Hannah! You scared me!” Katherine tried for a smile as she put the stone down by the hundreds of others, floating over to the older mermaid with shoulder length blonde hair. “What do you need me for?”

“Your father would like to talk to you, Katherine. About swimming with The Peace Merfolk.” Hannah informed, glancing at the Etching Stones. “He’s starting to worry when the time comes for you to take over The Coral Realm, you'll only try to make peace with the enemies. And that you'll marry a mermaid.”

“I can marry who I please! That's how it's supposed to be! In fact, I need to be over at The Seashell Realm right around now! Attempt to make peace!” And before Hannah had any time to process what was going on, Katherine had grabbed an Etching Stone and swam out of the castle through one of the windows. ------ Katherine swam, and swam, and swam. More and more and more and more, going deeper into the depths of the wide open blue they called home. The Seashell Realm was easily noticeable once Katherine saw it. A large castle was in the distance, in her gaze, she could tell it was scattered with seashells. She carefully swam across the invisible border, trying to swim farther and then…

“Halt!” A voice called, and suddenly her arm was gripped. She looked up seeing an older man wearing a large, bejeweled crown. His tail was an indigo blue, but it had stripes of gold. King Mayer, of course, his resemblance was noticeable by even a Seaweed. He could probably tell she was a Coral from her tail’s light color. Coral’s had much lighter tails compared to the darkness that were the tails the Seashell’s had. “You're a Coral!” He growled out. “Esther! Take her to the castle! We’ll have Sarah and David help decide what we’re gonna do with King Pulitza’s little spy.” He dragged Katherine to Esther, Queen Esther probably, judging by her tiara and just as dark purple tail, and the older mermaid had an even tighter grip on the young princesses arm as she was dragged to the castle she was just admiring.

She was dragged into a room, where thousands of Seashell Merfolk looked down at her with a glare in their eyes. They'd probably all vote in favor of her death, and that scared her immensely. She couldn't die, not now. Not when she had so much left to change in the world. Esther led her to the middle of the dome like area, chaining Kath’s wrists to the shackles on the ground. She put a more round one around her tail, making sure Katherine was pinned there. Katherine thrashed, the iron shackles hurt badly, but she'd have to deal.

Esther joined her husband quickly at a desk, clearing her throat. “People of The Seashell Realm! King Mayer and myself were on our daily patrol when we found this Coral snooping around on our side of the border! And, inspect her closely now… She has oh, so beautiful, expensive looking jewels, a very light and pink tail…”

“She's the daughter of King Pulitzer!” One voice called, slamming a fist on the small concrete strip in front of them.

“We should kill ‘er! Or hold her for ransom! Or I'll just take ‘er pretty lil’ tail back to my place and-!” Another voice, more young and male, said.

“We should torture her! Lock ‘er in a dungeon, chained up like now, and torture her! Beat her! And we’ll broadcast it all!”

“All very good suggestions, my subjects. But, I think we should let this decision go to a higher power. My eldest daughter, Sarah, has been awaiting her moment to have something to do with Seashell Realm Law. Her decision is what will go. Now, she decides, what do we do with the little doll faced Coral?” Esther retorted finally, grinning wickedly as she called for the ‘Sarah’ of before.

Trumpets blared and voices chanted her name, and out from behind the curtain beside the desk… Came the most beautiful and wonderful looking mermaid Kath had ever seen.

She had long, flowing caramel hair, seen perfectly against the blue tinted background of their world. The crown of her head was adorned with a smaller jeweled tiara, so it was Princess Sarah Jacobs, notorious Peace Merfolk member. Her eyes seemed mysterious, hiding some sort of secret. Her slight smile was even more hypnotizing, especially when framed by light pink lips that the Seashell Merfolk would usually blotch with Lip Marker. Her tail was oddly light for a Seashell Merfolk, resembling her mother’s tail but in more of a light purple, almost… soft like violets.

Katherine caught herself staring at the royal mermaid who contained her fate, her gaze quickly turning to pleading. She'd forced herself to that look instead of peer admiration, hoping it'd strike Sarah somewhere, hopefully her heart. Sarah looked at Kath with intensity though, eyes tracing over her with darkness. Her darkness lifted though, and a smile crossed her face and… Please smile again, Katherine found herself thinking, I'd love to see your smile and dimples again.

“I understand a lot of you most likely… Wish harm on Princess Katherine of The Coral Realm, I do. You want her tied to a stake on Human Land and burned. You want to take her to your homes to beat and torture her with physical pain and other methods.” Esther looked at her daughter with a grin as she talked, obviously proud. But then, she was caught by surprise, because Sarah continued. “But, instead, I'd like to meet with Princess Katherine everyday at Night Hours alone in Heron Hall. That way we could establish peace. Starting tonight, right now.” Katherine felt her cheeks reddening slightly, as Sarah swam down and dealt with the shackles around her wrists. She quickly moved to the one around Kath’s tail, doing that with such care that Katherine couldn't help but watch, entranced.

Sarah smiled at her as Katherine swam up, moving her wrists and tail around a bit as she swam carefully in a circle. “I'm fine!” She grinned, looking over at Sarah, a grin still glued on her features. Sarah smiled, taking her arm gently.

“C’mon,” she spoke with gentleness as she started to drag Katherine, “I'll show you Heron Hall.”

“You heard the princess! They shall have meetings every night along at Heron Hall!” Esther exclaimed, bitterness laced through as she watched her daughter swim off with Katherine. Their meetings were sure to happen.

And indeed they did. Feelings sprouted early on in.

They got together within two months, in secret.

And, now, a year and a half later... Sarah and Katherine find themselves in trouble again. But now... It's because of their love.

#Newsbians #Sarah Jacobs #92sies #Newsies #Katherine Plumber Pulitzer #Mayer Jacobs #Esther Jacobs #Hannah (Newsies)#Joeseph Pulitzer (Newsies)#Mermaid AU!!!

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homenum-revelio-hq · 4 years

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Welcome (again) to the Order of the Phoenix, Seb!

You have been accepted for the role of BRANWEN YAXLEY with the faceclaim of Sonequa Martin-Green! We adored your application for Branwen! You really took the bio created and brought her to life in your own way! We especially loved the bias/prejudice section and how you really went for the nitty-gritty and didn’t hold back. We’re so excited to have her on the dash!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Seb

AGE: 21+

TIMEZONE: CET

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I‘m on my winter-break for three weeks now, and while it might get busy for me around Jan and Feb, I should still manage at least one reply daily.

ANYTHING ELSE: Nothing really. Thank you for asking <3

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Branwen Yaxley

AGE: 30

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis female. She/Her. Hard rock gold star lesbian with a(n unpopped) cherry on top.

Her sexuality was always something she was very straight-forward about. She was probably introduced to the term ‚homosexual‘ as a slur at first, and immediately decided to defend it, not even knowing what it actually meant. By the time she found out, she had spoken up about it too loudly to retrieve her opinion quietly. And because it seemed so magnificently radical to call herself a Lesbian and be attacked by homophobes first hand (which gave her a reason to do what she does best: fighting) that it became an identity she wore on her sleeves from a young age on.

I like to imagine that the pureblood side of the Wizarding World was – even in the 60s and 70s – less open about such topics than the Muggle World. The pureblood mentality is all about passing on ‘pure‘ genes, isn‘t it? Which could mean that they see homosexuality as something standing in the way of such goals. Nevertheless, I don‘t think Branwen would‘ve been quiet about her identity. For one, because it told the sweet, quiet and closeted pureblood girls that they were very welcome to approach her in the shadows of certain corridors at Hogwarts, and for two, because most pureblood families raised their daughters to be perfect future wives. And this train had long left the station for Branwen. Her parents – who still think this is just a phase and will pass eventually – always knew Branwen would choose a husband fit for her rough and brawny attitude herself. So as long as they think this will still happen, they mostly refuse to talk about it with her. After all, the Yaxley name will live on whether Branwen has children or not: through honourable, righteous Corban. The one everyone is so goddamn proud of…

So, yes, Branwen has made her experiences, with emotions as well as short-lasting relationships, but only ever with other pureblood girls. After all, even if an accidental child won‘t be a situation, the mingling of bloods is just ‘wrong and disgusting’.

(note: I just want you to know that personally I dislike the term ‘gold star lesbian’ as it‘s usually used to invalidate gay people‘s identity based on their past relationships, and the same goes for ‘popping a cherry‘, for obvious reasons. But when I thought about how Branwen herself would answer this question, this was the exact phrase that came to my mind. The nuances of terms don’t matter to her at all as she doesn’t care at all about offending people.)

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: I‘d love to change the FC to Sonequa Martin-Green. While Mackenzie looks very cool and has strong brawl vibes, I think Sonequa fits those vibes very well too.

She’s unashamed of who she is but, because of siding with the Order, does have to restrain certain parts of herself. I’d like to express this with some hair symbolism: whenever she’s being herself, unrestricted from either side, she wears her hair natural and open. Willing to fight anyone who might want to say something negative about her appearance. But then, for example when she joins the Order in a battle (or in smaller situations in which she has to act in a way that is unlike her), she prepares by braiding her hair. For this symbolism, I think black hair works best. It holds the most meaning, considering our society‘s prejudices against it, and that‘s why I‘d prefer Sonequa over Mackenzie!

Also, giving her a non-white FC is a nice way to visualise her name, which means ‘beautiful raven‘.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

There are three things one needs to know about Branwen:

She knows exactly who she is. She acts before she thinks. She is unapologetic and relentless in what she wants and does.

I looked up the etymology of the name ‘Branwen‘ but accidentally typed ‚Bram‘, which apparently is the old English word for ‘broom‘. Even though the name Branwen has a different origin, I had a good giggle and it gave me a good idea to explain her personality. On the one hand, Branwen is extremely skilled on the broom, most likely having played on the Gryffindor Quidditch team during her years at Hogwarts (as a Beater, naturally). On the other hand there is this a German adjective, borstig, which means to be like the bristles of a broom/brush. More than any other, I believe that this adjective describes Branwen perfectly.

She is like the rough bristles of a broom, sweeping over whatever surface she deems messy, tearing everything away from their peaceful state on the floor, allowing no failures on her side. Crash your hand directly into the bristles and you might even draw blood from the wounds, but run your fingers over them carefully, putting up no counter-pressure, the bristles will tickle you at most. Perhaps even feel like a gentle caress.

When crashing your hand into the bristles:

It’s important to understand, that she doesn‘t prick for the sake of pricking. Nor is fighting for moral reasons. She‘s not a Nora Lynch type of a personality, despite their similar willingness to quarrel.

There‘s a saying which goes, your bubble of freedom ends where the bubble of freedom of another person starts. Branwen‘s bubble is larger than most people‘s. To be comfortable she needs to be able to swing her arms and be able to express herself loudly. She takes up a lot of space, not minding to take up other people‘s space but minding very much when other people take up hers. Whether it be opinions, physical space or emotions, she knows exactly who she is, anyone opposing her beliefs is – in her opinion – someone who tries to minimise her bubble of freedom. So when she pricks, it‘s not because quarreling with people is a way to alleviate boredom, but because she deems it necessary to gain her freedom back.

When gently touching the bristles:

In return this means that Branwen is – as long as one lets her be who she wishes to be – quite the enjoyable character. Because she‘s the opposite of whatever ‘social anxiety‘ is, she‘s easy to be around. There‘s no awkward silence, no struggle to understand what she wants, no hesitation when it comes to making plans. She leads the conversation, and because there‘s no topic too private for her, she can and will lead those conversations easily to blush-worthy places.

She‘s always up for drinks and jokes, adores hearty jokes, never says no to adventures, and while she doesn‘t really care about ‘deep‘ topics or philosophising around, she does care about the problems of those she considers friends. The aforementioned caress, is a genuine one. It’s not particularly deep, has no healing effects, but it can soothe a momentary itch. She will lend you an ear and give you concrete advice, usually even offer to deal with the problem in question herself.

This being said, there is one scenario where she restricts herself and turns a little stiff, and that is when she speaks to Muggleborns or half-breeds.

Around all Order members she wears a mask of civility, which holds in her prejudices much like braids keep her hair tied back, making sure her fight for personal freedom never turns political. But around Muggleborns and half-breeds she’s too aware of how different she is from them.

Perhaps it’s something akin to disgust, but perhaps it’s also the fear that if she gets started on fighting for her freedom around them, she might go too far and unmask herself completely. She‘ll warily stalk around small-talk and listen more than she speaks, which is unusual for her. No leading of conversations, instead she allows herself to be led – but put a pin in this, we‘ll come back to it later. For now it‘s important to know that Branwen is not at all the same person around people she likes, and people she is convinced don‘t deserve her respect. People who thinks might one day take away her freedom on a political basis.

All in all, Branwen has the kind of personality that allows for fun threads. The war doesn‘t affect her the way it affects most Order members (again, put a pin in that) and so not all her conversations turn around its effects. There‘s no heaviness to her, no sorrowful pondering or air of hopelessness. After all, what has she got to lose? This being said, stir the conversation towards something she has an (utterable) opinion on, and you‘re in for a ride. (As long as you‘re not a Muggleborn, as previously mentioned.) She knows no shame, never thinks back about where fights went wrong, always runs head-first into what many people would consider ‘taboo topics‘. And even when fists and curses come and go flying, she will never think herself in the wrong. After all, she‘s not the one who started. It was her freedom bubble which was being stepped on! She only defended herself!

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF THE FAMILY:

To understand Branwen, it‘s vital to understand her family, her paternal side, the famous Yaxleys, as well as her maternal side.

Part of the sacred 28, an – in Branwen‘s opinion – honourable circle of British purebloods, the Yaxleys are Scottish and have their seat in a grand castle in the highlands, not too far away from Hogwarts. Most of the sons who carried down the name were in Slytherin, however it is not uncommon for the daughters of this family to land in Gryffindor, showing that the Yaxley‘s priority has always been honour and pride.

Lachlan Yaxley, Branwen‘s father, is your typical Slytherin. He‘s two-tongued and cunning, ceaselessly putting the appearance of what he does over its actual content. What he wants, he‘ll fight for with all his might, but contrary to his wife, he fights for it in the shadows, silently, in a way that leaves no traces of the sharp, unforgiving violence he exerts.

Bethan Yaxley, born Burke, Branwen‘s mother, went to Gryffindor. Although from another generation and an even stricter familial background, she always showed signs of rebellion, of a will to fight. Raised to be the perfect bride one day, always taught to be lady-like, beautiful and adorable, her ways to get what she wanted were never concealed or performed in secret. Stand in between what she wants and herself, and your life might literally be in danger. She‘s no less violent than her husband, but while his violence shows itself in emotional abuse, always making sure he‘ll be able to call himself innocent afterwards, she‘s unapologetic about her ways.

In fact, while she had been engaged to marry into the Yaxleys from a young age on, she decided herself that she wanted the older, instead of the younger brother. Her ways to get him were never concealed or performed behind closed doors, on the contrary, the whole Wizarding World watched as she made her family even more noble, even more rich, by catching Lachlan and putting him into her pocket. Did Lachlan disagree with what she wanted (his money, his nobility), no one ever learnt about it, though. He must’ve not been too disapproving of Bethan’s determination though, or else he would‘ve had his own, quiet ways to stop her. After all, make no mistake, just because he seems more subdued compared to her, it doesn‘t mean he‘s less powerful in their relationship.

Growing up as the daughter of two people, who, on the one hand, encouraged Branwen‘s large freedom bubble, always teaching her to take what she wanted, never make excuses, and on the other hand, had their own very large freedom bubble, which was so easy to overstep, was anything but easy.

The abuse – as modern Muggle psychologists would call it but which Branwen‘s would never see as such – strengthened her. From a young age on she had to fight for every inch of freedom she wanted to claim for herself, be it something small like which books she enjoyed reading (”Really?“ her father would always ask in a skeptical, hostile way. “That‘s something you enjoy?“) or who she knew she truly was (the day she came out to her parents, her mother wiped a spell over her, leading to a permanent scar across her shoulder which she carries to this day).

Psychologists would also be able to detect the ways it weakened her. Her fear of actually letting people come close, scared they might judge, scared she might never get the freedom back, for example. Her inability to be soft and gentle. Or her constant need to be right, as though allowing another opinion to co-exist with hers, would negate who she is as a whole person. Or her actual physical flinching at the idea of befriending a Muggleborn.

But Branwen would never admit to that, perhaps hasn‘t even figured it out herself yet. She firmly believes it made her strong, and perhaps it did. The ability to unapologetically demand what she wants, what she believes she deserves, it is a type of strength. To get through battles and duels with a grin on her face, because what is there more familiar and home-feeling than fighting with others? To never step down from a childhood feud that started for a reason no one quite remembers, simply because she can. To never hurt when yet another girlfriend ditches her, after all, she wasn‘t raised to share but to be self-sufficient, raised to never need people‘s friendly words and gentle touches…

To her, her surname means power. It means protection and honour, and she carries her head high because of it. Being way more outspoken about it back when she was at Hogwarts, she has however stopped mentioning who she is all the time now. Perhaps because the Order wouldn‘t see this as something positive. Perhaps because slowly she has stopped seeing it as something quite as positive either. Before, she was quite indifferent about the prejudices the Sacred 28 fostered, not really caring about the ‘deadborn‘ and enslaved Squibs, and definitely not bothering to question what there was to hate about Muggleborns. Nowadays, she still doesn‘t really care about any of that, but she understands that her noble name comes with those opinions.

However, she’ll never renounce this name. She won‘t let her parents disinherit her, she won‘t let herself be burnt off the family tree, she won‘t do anything that‘ll risk her nobility. Even if that means that one day, she will have to let her bubble of freedom burst and submit herself to her mother’s control… But it’s worth it, right? To give up ‘Branwen’ to be a proper ‘Yaxley’? After all, this name means strength. And she is strong because of it. If she were to lose her name, her family, what would be left of her? And, who knows, even though she’s determined to win this war to stick it to her damn cousin, what if they lose? At least she’ll have a proud title to go back to.

OCCUPATION: Blacksmith and vendor at Potage‘s Cauldron Shop, the Knockturn Alley branch.

After some splendid suggestions from the group, I have come up with a little idea: Wizards can conjure material goods but only for a limited period of time. It is therefore only logical that they need to buy the objects they expect to last for a whole year or longer, such as cauldrons. And therefore it is just as logical that those objects need to be manually crafted.

If some cauldrons are more expensive than others then it’s because they are more sustainable, and this is achieved by the kind of metals used, but also by the magic woven into them as they are crafted over a real flame (considering that elemental magic is the oldest and purest form, therefore also the strongest form of magic).

Branwen is clearly not in need for a job. Even if her parents disapprove of her choices, they still believe she‘ll come back around to marrying and giving the Yaxley genes to a child one day. (The name and heritage will follow Corban’s bloodline, anyway). They support her with a huge monthly allowance that make working obsolete. So why is she doing it anyway?

Well, the truth is, she started to work at Potage‘s Cauldron Shop because the branch in Knockturn Alley allowed her to overhear the telling chit chat between family members. Sellspeople are so easily overseen by the rich… It was one of the plans she had with which she talked her way into the Order. Told them that she had a great job where she could innocently inquire about this and that and learn about what was going on with the Dark Lord‘s supporters via their wives and babbling children. And because the shop is close to Borgin and Burkes, where a paternal great-uncle of her works, it not only put her parents at ease knowing he‘d look over Branwen, but also allowed her to be alone often, it was a winning argument.

What she tells her parents and everyone of the noble Pureblood Society, however, is: „I‘m doing this for fun.“ And it might‘ve been a lie once, but is it still?

Certainly, working as a friendly sellperson is mostly out of character for poor Branwen, who struggles with just letting the hostile comments of clients wash over her, but damn is she good at finding exactly the right cauldron the person is looking for. She‘s not someone who gives up or half-arses her job. If she is asked to help someone, find the exact right cauldron for a very specific potion, then she will not rest until that very cauldron has gone over the counter.

One day however she couldn’t find such a cauldron. So she went down into the cellar where the cauldrons are being made and it was the start unexpected: she began forging cauldrons herself. Manually. In the roaring fire, she‘ll stand for hours and hours, one hand holding the potion-soaked hammer, in the other the metal, as her mental strength turns into physical strength. She doesn‘t stop when the soot covers her face, doesn‘t stop when her clothes drench from the sweat, doesn‘t stop when her muscles begin shaking under the hard work. Seemingly inexhaustible she forges, refusing to think about how this work comes from a time when Muggles and Wizards still shared lives.

No one knows that she is more than a vendor, other than the other blacksmith, and she needs this to stay that way. She is proud of every single one of the cauldrons she makes, knowing they are perfect, but she is not proud of the manual labor. Yes, there is magic involved, but still. She is a Yaxley! And this is lower class labor at best… But there is something about holding the heavy hammer, about feeling the fire burn in her lungs that keep drawing her back down into the cellar, and she can‘t explain what it is. In a way she doesn‘t want to think about it, because what if she began to admire Muggles for their manual labor too? Began to envy them to live in a world without magic…

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

I think the bio does a beautiful job at explaining how Branwen feels around the Order.

On the one hand she just couldn‘t care less about the cause. She doesn’t care about morals or politics as long as the hierarchy of society stays in a way that she can keep her power, money and title. Most Death Eaters, she assumes are good, upright citizens, family and friends, who are just concerned about the Wizarding World. Not everyone who‘s on the Dark Lord‘s side immediately wants all Muggleborns dead, right? Most of them just want them apart so they can‘t mingle with the purity of their beautiful magical world, and isn‘t that very sensible? Surely most Muggleborns must agree, too!

On the other hand she has begun caring for the Order members. I love this part a lot so I don‘t want her to be too far into this caring yet but want to develop it as I play her. I don‘t want her to be too enamored with everyone just yet, but enough that she‘d consider some of them almost friends. When they talk to her about their private problems, she finds herself caring, and while she might hold back from seeking out their friendship, it‘s definitely begun forming, slowly, quietly, within her. No matter how much she pretends it hasn‘t, she can very much feel it. This feeling of fondness. Of admiration. Adoration, at times, even.

She values strength, doesn‘t she? She loves fighting and honours those who fight bravely as well. So this means two things:

One, her purpose in the Order is exactly that. She‘s not someone who will spy in other camps, or sit at home watching over a map like Edgar. She‘s someone who wants to be out on the field, her wand in her hand, curses on her tongue. And because she lacks moral values – the Death Eater values as much as the Order values – she has no trouble fighting with all her heart. She just wants to win, what for, it doesn‘t really matter. She just doesn‘t want to lose and so she fights without hesitation, and the other Order members will know that. That‘s perhaps why she‘s made it to Mid-Level at this point: because she has proven herself to be trustworthy on the battlefield. No hesitation, no laziness. When she fights, she fights. She‘s in it, with her heart, head and muscles.

Two, she has seen other Order members fight like that as well. When she initially joined she didn‘t know what she got herself into, perhaps even thought that they‘d need her to win this war. After all, they were just some silly rebels who just happened to oppose her cousin‘s side, she didn‘t really have faith in them. That‘s why she joined. To prove her cousin wrong. But then the months went by, years, eventually, and Branwen had to learn a harsh lesson: those people weren‘t joking around. They weren‘t wimps. They weren‘t pitiful. They were everything she had ever wanted to be, and at times even more.

Usually, when she argues with someone, duels them, she has no emotions or opinions about it afterwards. It‘s never really personal. During her time with the Order, she quarreled a lot (mostly with non-Muggleborns as explained above), however it never left her quite as cold as fighting did when she was young. She began rethinking what people told her in those arguments.

And instead of despising her for being so head-strong, she began admiring them for it. Especially because they didn‘t fight like her father did, with jabs and a smirk, solely to leave you emotionally wounded. They didn‘t do it like her mother did it, with physical violence, rather wanting to lame you than to allow you to take up space. No, what they did, how they defended themselves, is by simply … standing their ground. By reminding her of other people‘s freedom she endangers. By taking her by the hand and guiding her to show her that them (the people who they‘re trying to defend) being free, doesn‘t necessarily mean she won‘t have any left for herself. That true freedom means freedom for everyone.

She‘d rather cut out her tongue than speak about this to anyone, but it‘s there. This knowledge. She knows it has happened. She knows how she feels. And she fears how it‘ll make her decide one day…

SURVIVAL:

Being a pureblood with a well-known family, she doesn‘t struggle much in this war. As long as she gets her few hours at Potage‘s in, no one wonders what she‘s doing during the rest of the time. She officially lives with her aunt in a city house in Wizarding London, but she mostly comes by to take a shower and change her clothes. Most of the times she‘s out at night, enjoying life, not worrying too much about all this war-trouble, and convincing people to let her stay in their bed. Yes, bed. Do you think a Yaxley would settle for the couch?

In recent times, she‘s begun sleeping over at other Order members’ places more and more often. Perhaps because they don‘t ask questions like “so what are you going to do with your life now”? Perhaps because … no. Branwen refuses to see them all as friends. Some perhaps. Close acquaintances who she happens to trust with her life. But friends? Never.

And yet, when she speaks words of comfort, holding them shielded from dark incidents, promising to be there for them, she can‘t help but wonder how much of her freedom she‘s already given up for their love.

It conflicts her greatly. You wouldn‘t see it in the way she interacts with people, but it almost scares her, all this. The idea that they might lose this war. Because it would make her cousin all too happy, yes, but also because, well, what would happen to them? Trial? Azkaban? Death?

She condemns no one from her family to be on her opposing side and yet is quite glad they don‘t know on which side she‘s on. Perhaps because she knows that one day she‘ll see her parents‘ shoes under the Death Eater‘s robes and will have less than a second to figure out on whose side she‘s truly on.

RELATIONSHIPS:

It is safe to say that Branwen never really had friends.

At Hogwarts she was the kind of person to throw those (in)famous Gryffindor parties; aword from her and everyone would come. She knew everyone, and everyone knew her. A party thrown by her meant a good time. And people usually liked being around her. This went on even after Hogwarts, in Wizarding London. And yes, she‘s the type of person to call people she met a few times ‘friends‘, to treat them like buddies, touching them and talking to them as though she knew them for years. But real friends? People she trusted with her emotions? With her pain? With her fears? Those were incredibly rare. Countable on one hand.

One of those people is Alice Longbottom, as she proved herself from a young age on the type of person Branwen respects. I‘d need to plot with the player, of course, but I like to imagine that they got into a terrible fight-at-first-sight, and Alice won in such a glorious way, that Branwen couldn‘t help but feel that through her bruised ego, she was mostly just proud of Alice for having such a big dick energy. And because they spent so much time together, eventually, the deeper conversations started to unfold, and she did grow attached.

But this doesn‘t negate what I previously said. She‘s not someone to get all touchy-feely with, and so many people would never place her high on their friendship list, even if Branwen does like them a lot. Like, she might feel close to someone, but they‘d never think about inviting her to their intimate wedding “for family and just a few closest friends”.

So the war didn‘t change much. That she can‘t talk to her purebloodist friends about what she does outside of partying and working at Potage‘s, or that she can‘t talk to the Order members about how little she actually cares about their cause, doesn‘t really affect her relationships. She was never someone to just talk about how she truly felt, anyway.

On the contrary. Because around Muggleborns she‘s forced to shut up and listen, she might‘ve grown to learn how to actually listen to other people for once. Before, when someone talked in a way that bored or upset her, she‘d just say so. Around those she can‘t do this, she is forced to listen to their side of things, to their opinions, their feelings, and as the years with the Order went by, she might‘ve begun actually caring for other people on more than just surface level. She got to know them, and because they are all brave in their own way, she began to like them.

No, she never really had friends.

But at times she wonders if she wouldn‘t like to be friends with those in the Order…

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS:

As literally everyone else, I‘ll obviously say Branwen x chemistry. However, I do think that romantic/sexual relationships with men will be out of the question. Deep, important friendships as explained in the point above? Heck yes! But no romance.

Also, I do like the idea that Branwen might fall for a Muggleborn girl. Not just for the beautiful star-crossed lover trope but also just to explore her bias and morals. I think such a romance could work well for character-development.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

Muggles are inherently dirty. Werewolves (as well as other half-breeds) shouldn‘t even be just kicked out of society, they should be killed. Or at least be castrated. It‘s a shame to even consider them human, and allow them to perform magic. Muggle music is stressful and too loud and chaotic, there‘s no grace to it. The same goes for all their other art. Halfbloods can stay but their magic is weaker. The magic of Muggleborns is weaker as well, in fact, so weak, that Hogwarts shouldn‘t even seek out British Muggleborns but just let them stay in the Muggle world. Squibs should consider themselves lucky that they‘re made servants instead of being completely kicked out of society, as it would be the Wizarding World‘s right to do. It’s for people with magic, after all. A marriage between a Muggle and a Wizard/Witch should be forbidden. Salazar Slytherin was right when he said Hogwarts should stay clean of mudblood, as Muggles are known to be inherently hateful. They have proven themselves incapable of accepting magic and it‘s therefore for their best to keep them unknowing of the Wizarding World. After all, what if the Wizarding World ended up being revealed to the Muggles? Would they come hunting Witches again? Or would the Wizarding World have to force them into submission, into oppression, perhaps making slaves out of them the way they do it with Squibs? It’s just for their best to keep them away, really.

Here a handful of prejudices Branwen‘s fosters. But mind you, she is not only outspoken about them but also doesn‘t have enough … incentive to fight about it. None of this really regards her, she finds. She will fight about everything and anything, but not for moral reasons. As long as her status of a mightier Witch isn‘t doubted, she won‘t fight with people who say Halfbloods‘ magic is valid. However if they say it‘s as strong as hers, she‘ll want to fight to prove them wrong. So if the war would end in favour of the Order, she‘d be like, okay, as long as I get to keep my privileges. Being rich. Getting an education. Having people respect her noble status. Etcetera etcetera.

All those beliefs she holds are beliefs because they were taught to her as facts. Not as opinions. What drives people angry are when opinions are being challenged. “This movie was bad”. She‘d fight people on that. But the same way no one would fight another person about the colour of bananas, she has no reason to fight people about the dirtiness of Muggles. It‘s just a fact. They clean their houses with mops! So that‘s perhaps a reason why she manages to not get into arguments with other Order members. Because she either thinks them uneducated about certain topics – or her silence forces her to listen to what they call facts, quietly challenging what she thought to be the only truth.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

I am easily uncomfortable in group chats and environments with new people. But this group was just so welcoming (the first night alone I received about five messages from people asking for plots!) that it made me feel terribly at ease. So I was very soon very certain I wanted another character to dive deeper into this game with all those lovely players.

I wanted a character different to my Edgar baby to explore the purebloodist side of the war, and open myself up to in-character conversations you‘d never see Edgar having.

Branwen immediately caught my eye because she joined the Oder out a joke-like whim, not because she already sees the problems in her purebloodist upbringing. It’s always a fun challenge to play a character who thinks very differently than me. The idea that someone might manage to challenge her prejudices and actually change to a point that one day she might even fight her own beloved parents in a battle, enthralls me.

PLOT DROP IDEAS:

I‘d love to see the Yaxley‘s being outed as Death Eaters, or getting hurt by the Order. To see how Branwen would react.

I‘d also love to see what will happen with the werewolves by the McKinnon farm next. Edgar seems to be getting it into his head that they should be allowed into the Farm and have a warm bed – and Branwen‘s reaction to even just the suggestion makes me laugh.

Also, I wonder what would happen if a mission such as the current event fails and members of the Order get injured. If Branwen‘s worry would show and if perhaps it would drive her to 1) question why their morals are worth dying for and 2) realise she does love them like friends.

Oh! Also: “[…] she won‘t do anything that‘ll risk her nobility. After all, this name means strength. And she is strong because of it. If she were to lose her name, her family, what would be left of her?” I’d love to explore this as well. Her being outed as an Order member, far far down the line maybe, and see what she’d do.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Thank you for your consideration and thank you for being lovely admins! (You put in an alternative subit-page!! :D) You can be very proud of yourself and I hope you‘ll make it through the (dangerous for RPs) holiday season without too many losses and without getting too stressed!

#homenumaccepted #harry potter rp #marauders rp #hp rp #hp roleplay

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bristlybranwen · 4 years

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BIO

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Branwen Yaxley

AGE: 30

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis female. She/Her. Hard rock gold star lesbian with a(n unpopped) cherry on top.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: I‘d love to change the FC to Sonequa Martin-Green. While Mackenzie looks very cool and has strong brawl vibes, I think Sonequa fits those vibes very well too.

Also, giving her a non-white FC is a nice way to visualise her name, which means ‘beautiful raven‘.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

There are three things one needs to know about Branwen:

She knows exactly who she is. She acts before she thinks. She is unapologetic and relentless in what she wants and does.

When crashing your hand into the bristles:

When gently touching the bristles:

This being said, there is one scenario where she restricts herself and turns a little stiff, and that is when she speaks to Muggleborns or half-breeds.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF THE FAMILY:

To understand Branwen, it‘s vital to understand her family, her paternal side, the famous Yaxleys, as well as her maternal side.

OCCUPATION: Blacksmith and vendor at Potage‘s Cauldron Shop, the Knockturn Alley branch.

What she tells her parents and everyone of the noble Pureblood Society, however, is: „I‘m doing this for fun.“ And it might‘ve been a lie once, but is it still?

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

I think the bio does a beautiful job at explaining how Branwen feels around the Order.

She values strength, doesn‘t she? She loves fighting and honours those who fight bravely as well. So this means two things:

SURVIVAL:

RELATIONSHIPS:

It is safe to say that Branwen never really had friends.

No, she never really had friends.

But at times she wonders if she wouldn‘t like to be friends with those in the Order…

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS:

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

#bio #{ the bold adventurer }

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deciduess · 5 years

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I think this is called a Peak Trans™ moment?

❌ LeSbOpHoBeS dO nOT iNtErAcT ❌

If you have a problem with this post, please see my bio before privately messaging me or reblogging. Thanks.

🌸

I need to vent about something.

A couple of weeks ago, a leftist Instagram account I followed posted these photos:

As a lesbian, I disagree with this post. The account in question encourages discourse, so I decided to comment on it. I’ll be referring to the account as “OP”.

I typed my original comment into my Notes app before sending it, which is the only reason I can share it with you (OP blocked me). It read as follows:

As a lesbian, I don’t think I’d date a trans person because I want a woman who can understand the experience of being socialized as female. I have a lot of trauma with regards to how I was born and socialized. Only other AFAB women will be able to relate to that— even if they haven’t been assaulted (or otherwise experienced what I have). Plus, as a cis person, there’s no way for me to understand the trans experience, so I think there’d be a huge rift between a trans girlfriend and I. I don’t think I’d be able to soothe her or relate to her deeply if she told me about trauma she has as a result of being trans in this society. Of course, trans people don’t usually say that they’ll ONLY date other trans people, but I think they have every right to have that preference.

Unfortunately, I cannot screenshot the rest of the thread, as I’m blocked. The thread isn’t visible to unblocked accounts either.

I will do my best to summarize the rest of the conversation.

Now, both of the people who responded to me were incredibly rude. They insulted me quite a few times, but I can’t remember exactly how they phrased everything, so I’ll just be summarizing their arguments-- minus the attitude. It’s important to note their abusive language, however, because it’s part of the reason this conversation affected me so negatively.

OP: You sound like a TERF. Also, I’ve never heard of a trans person who will only date other trans people. Sounds like a straw man just to excuse your transphobia. And how can you say that trans women aren’t socialized as women?

Me: No, trans women aren’t socialized as female. That’s what makes them trans as opposed to cis, right? They were assigned and socialized as male.

People with vaginas have to deal with much higher rates of sexual harassment and assault even in childhood. And we have to see ourselves assaulted again and again and again when we read the news, watch TV, or read books/comics. I’ve been called weak, unintelligent, and overall inferior all my life due to how I was born. Trans men can relate to this, but trans women cannot. All of this starts early— even before we’re born (I mean, look at gender reveal parties: “guns or glitter”).

OP: So what you’re saying is: trans women are men. Trans people are assaulted too. You’re making a blanket statement about all trans women [when you say they can’t understand female oppression/socialization]. What if a trans woman transitioned at a very young age?

*I decided to ignore OP’s question because... it’s fucking stupid lmfao. You can’t transition in the womb, and you certainly couldn’t consent to that as a baby.

Me: What?? I didn’t say that. You’re putting words into my mouth. Trans women are women, but they have different experiences than cis women.

I know that trans people are assaulted at higher rates than cis people, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that people with vaginas make up the vast majority of victims.

OP: That’s exactly what you’re saying. So, trans women have male privilege, huh? Just admit you’re transphobic and go. Now, answer the FUCKING question.

*I know I said I wasn’t going to convey the tone of these messages, but… wow. Males have told me to “answer the FUCKING question” several times in my life, so that got to me. Males literally can’t act like human beings. The fact that OP is just like any other male no matter how “they” identify is so evident here.

**Now, a trans “woman” starts attacking me. “She” replied to me three times, I think. But I don’t remember how the replies fit into the conversation, and “she” kept repeating “herself”. So, I’m just going to summarize all of that in this one comment.

Trans “Woman”: I’ve been female-socialized and harassed ever since I transitioned at age 16. Also, I’ve been called weak and unintelligent all my life, but thanks for assuming otherwise.

*At this point, I’m getting irritated by these two constantly misconstruing what I’m saying and denying my experiences. So, unfortunately, I use a passive-aggressive emoji. I also use two question marks instead of one. I’m not proud of that, but keep in mind, these two had been complete asshats to me this entire time.

I was so tired at this point. I was sharing my trauma (which isn’t easy for me to talk about,,,,), and I was being so nice. I was trying so hard to center them even though I was talking about my trauma. I didn’t understand why they weren’t reciprocating my energy.

Me: @trans”woman” I’ve been called ‘weak’ and ‘unintelligent’ because I have a vagina. It’s a little different. 🙃

@OP Wait, do you guys think that sex-based oppression doesn’t exist? Like, do you think trans men have the same privilege as cis men??

*OP doesn’t respond for a while. The trans “woman” never responds, either. Finally, OP replies…

OP: You know what? I think I’m just going to block you.

Anddd, that’s why I can’t include screenshots of the interaction on this post. I was kind of relieved that I didn’t have to deal with two MALES shitting on me anymore, though. 🙃🙃🙃

🌸

I grew up in a conservative household, but I’ve been a leftist ever since I was a late-teen. Since getting closer to adulthood, I’ve leaned far left on most issues before even reading other leftists’ opinions on the matters. Over the years, though, I’ve been a cetrist on a few topics.

Usually, this is because I don’t have all the information I need. So, when I notice that I disagree with the majority of leftists on something, I read more about it, and I read their opinions. I almost always end up agreeing with the leftist majority opinion on any given topic.

There are only two major issues I haven’t agreed with most leftists on yet: gun rights and trans rights. Leftists support the Second Amendment... I see both sides. I’m beginning to lean pro-Second Amendment, but that has happened before, so it could happen again. I’m not going to elaborate on this because this post isn’t about that.

When it comes to trans rights, I have NEVER understood the popular leftist opinion. I have been trying for years to understand trans people better. But in the end, my opinion has just been, “Well, I don’t have to understand your identity in order to support it and use your pronouns. Your identity isn’t hurting anybody, and no one should hurt you over your identity.” I still agree with that sentiment. I will still use trans people’s pronouns. I still want them to be safe.

But I’m done accommodating them at my expense. And if you’re a shithead to me, I don’t see a problem with putting your pronouns in quotes and referring to you as “males” instead of “AMABs” in a tumblr post that you’ll never see lmfao. It’s been so liberating to disrespect you (on a post you’ll never see) half as much as you disrespected me (to my face).

TRA’s have excluded AFAB women and trivialized their problems so much. Every single post about AFAB women is derailed (”whuttabout trans women???” “don’t you mean people with vaginas?????”). TRA’s suggest that there are no female-only experiences and sex-based oppression does not exist.

I’ve had many concerns with the Trans Rights Movement for years. But I’ve tried to understand. I wanted to actively support trans people. I didn’t want to merely use their preferred pronouns and tolerate them. I’ve followed TRA’s and read what they have to say...

But the Trans Rights Movement just,,, doesn’t,,,, make,,,,,, sense. This conversation sent me over the edge. I don’t care about understanding trans people anymore. If I can’t understand them in half a decade, I don’t think I ever will. Clearly, to these people, including trans “women” means excluding cis women. You’re trans-exclusionary if you talk about cis women’s experiences or issues. You’re trans-exclusionary if you say that trans “women” and cis women are different (unless it’s to say that trans “women” are superior/prettier or more oppressed).

🌸

Now that I don’t care about trans feelings anymore, I’m going to address the conversation from two weeks ago without sugar-coating anything.

Trans “women” will never have the same experiences as cis women.

I will not date a trans “woman” because I NEED someone who can understand the very specific trauma and physical pain of a female assault victim. I NEED my partner to be able to relate to being constantly berated and belittled in all forms of media— even when I try to relax or distract myself, I am constantly reminded that males hate me and think I’m a worthless incubator/dishwasher.

Two weeks ago, I was not concerned enough about the physical differences between trans “women” and cis women. But now, I think it’s a good time to discuss that, too.

It’s perfectly okay to not want to date a trans person because of their genitals.

Even after a trans “woman” has SRS, “her vagina” is NOT a female vagina. It is not self-cleaning. It has no muscles. It smells PUTRID. Neovaginas are repulsive, and they do NOT look like actual vaginas. A neovagina is the physical manifestation of a male’s soul: it’s a disgusting, smelly, functionless hole that is trying to emulate the natural divinity of a woman.

🌸

Now, I’d like to specifically address those two males:

Thank you guys for demonstrating my point that males can NEVER understand the female experience. :)

Thanks for proving that I’ll never be able to open up to males about my SA trauma. Males will always say that they have it worse and/or pretend that what happened to you has NOTHING to do with the fact that you have a vagina. If you’re vulnerable with them, they will stomp all over you. Males only care about themselves, even if they “identify” as women. :)

I would never be able to be in a relationship with someone that constantly belittles my feelings like this.

Also, to the trans “woman” who alleges “she’s” been ~“socialized as a woman”~ since the age of sixteen: no the fuck you haven’t. If you’d been socialized as female, you would be exceedingly nice to me, even if I spoke to YOU in the same way YOU spoke to ME. You would be super apologetic for stating your feelings and standing up for yourself. No matter how illogical you found my arguments, you’d still TRY to understand me because that’s the compassionate thing to do. If you were socialized as female, you’d put OTHERS’ feelings above your own.

But you haven’t been socialized as female. You’re just like every other MALE. You SPEAK OVER a female victim of sexual assault and pretend that YOU’RE more of an expert on HER OWN experiences than SHE is.

You tell women they’re not allowed to have boundaries or preferences. You have absolutely no compassion or humanity. You’re a MALE, AND you’re MALE-SOCIALIZED, and it fucking shows. You’re a disgusting, ignorant, unsympathetic brat that always needs to be coddled— just like every other male.

Also, yes, OP, all males have male privilege. Including trans “women.”

🌸

Two weeks ago, I had deluded myself into saying, “trans women are women.”

But the truth is, trans “women” are not women.

I’m attracted to women. I will never be attracted to a trans “woman.” I’m not sorry. It’s okay if other lesbians are attracted to trans “women,” but my lesbian identity does not include trans “women”. I don’t care if that’s politically incorrect. That’s MY sexuality.

I cannot change my sexuality, and I don’t want to. I love cis women. No male will ever be as strong, intelligent, poignant, or divine as a cis woman. A woman is born with all of these traits.

🌸

I’m certainly transphobic now-- that is quite evident. And I was also transphobic two weeks ago, even though I was trying to unlearn my transphobia. But nothing that I said to this person was transphobic. It’s literally fine to not want to date a trans person. A lesbian is not oppressing you by not wanting to date you lmfao. I openly admit that I am transphobic, but this is not the reason. I will not try to understand why my sexuality is “wrong.”

I’ve stayed out of TERF circles for years, even though TERF posts can be so informative, relatable, and comforting. Thanks to this experience, I’m gonna go ahead and follow whoever tf I want. I'm grateful that this interaction has caused me to start prioritizing my feelings and my rights.

Honestly, trans “women” deserve to be excluded. Males deserve to be excluded. Idgaf about how that makes you feel anymore. You don’t give a shit about how I feel. And you don’t feel guilty when you exclude real women.

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lightsandlostbells · 5 years

Text

Druck season 2, episode 7 reaction

Goddamn, Druck. I’ve been dragging my ass with the rest of the S2 reactions because honestly, the content is pretty rough and rewatching it requires a certain amount of emotional fortitude, lol.

Anyway, here’s me putting myself through S2 hell so I can catch up to recap S3 hell!

Episode 7

Clip 1 - Interesting choice of entertainment

As I mentioned in the last reaction, I thought we might start with Mia calling off their relationship, as if last night was her way of saying goodbye to Alex, getting in just a little more time together because she did as Kiki asked. But obviously that wasn’t the case, because Mia and Alex are very much still in bed together.

They are sitting up and watching a movie on a laptop. In the movie, a woman kisses another woman. We cut away to Alex and Mia sitting there stiffly, sneaking glances at each other, as we hear the scene get sexy, with zippers unzipped, lots of panting and wet smacking sounds. Both of them clearly getting turned on by this video. Alex shifts and I think he covers his lap a little more, lol. He shifts closer to her and “subtly” puts his hand out for the taking. I love that Mia notices and smirks a little but doesn’t seem to take his hand.

This whole part of the scene was so weirdly true to life, lmao, if you’ve ever ended up watching a film that was more explicit than expected with someone. I had a friend who ended up watching Y Tu Mamá También on like a first or second date, neither of them knowing what the movie was about, and it was apparently very awkward.

Finally he turns off the film and kisses her. She leans away eventually and starts asking him about the scene - whether he was turned on by her or the scene. He’s like … both? He asks whether Mia watches porn and she says yes.

There was some debate about like … whether it’s in-character for Mia to watch porn or whether it’s hypocritical of her to do so as a feminist, and I don’t want to even get into the larger debate about whether porn can be feminist because holy shit is that a can of worms, but whether or not you think it’s compatible for Mia to watch porn with her being a feminist, people do a lot of stuff that isn’t 100% in line with their ideals. A lot of feminist criticism also opposes makeup and believes it to be a product of patriarchy, but Mia wears lipstick anyway. So just on the level of whether this is consistent with her as a character, i don’t think it’s wildly OOC.

There was also a lot of (understandable) debate about them watching a lesbian sex scene while still dodging a clear answer about Mia’s sexuality, especially right after Kiki made that comment about Mia being bi in the previous night’s clip, which again went unanswered. By the end of the episode they did give us an answer, but watching in real time made it feel more like they were drawing out the answer. I guess I’m wondering just why they chose to do so? Was it to tease the audience, or were they trying to find a way to drop the answer in naturally (because I can think of places where they could have done so earlier), or was there intended to be a reason story-wise that Mia’s a little vague? Is it just because it’s related to her romantic history, and it’s difficult for her to mention? Because she could mention her bisexuality without talking about specific relationships, although it’s true people might ask whether she’d ever been with a girl.

I think the most likely reason is perhaps that the Druck team didn’t expect just how much people wanted from them about Mia’s bisexuality, and they wrote in more scenes mentioning it after they saw fan reaction.

About the video they’re watching - it’s called Wach and it’s apparently by Funk (the channel that does Druck). You can watch it on YouTube although it seemed kind of dreary so I confess I didn’t watch much of it, lol. If it’s really good and I’m missing out, let me know! Anyway, the movie’s about two girlfriends but in the scene Mia and Alex are watching, they’re having a threesome with a guy. Not sure if there’s any bigger significance other than the nod to something else from Funk, and nudging at the topic of Mia’s sexuality, or the sex topic between Mia and Alexander.

He suspects she has a bigger reason for asking and draws a question mark on her forehead. This dude needs to take improv classes already, that’s clearly where his heart lies. Also, I think Mia might be asking why he’s turned on to get his opinion about two women together? I mean, I guess that could be the in-universe explanation why the talk about her sexuality is a little vague is that she wants to see how he’ll react first.

They have a pillow fight and she shoves him out of bed, he runs back into the room and tackles her and they roll around. WATCH THE LAPTOP! Eh, I guess Alex can afford another one.

They’re playful and cute. Things get heated and he slips his hand to crotch level, which makes her shake her head and back off. He asks her what’s allowed. LOW BAR, I know, but at least he doesn’t pressure her to go father than she wants. It’s sad and I don’t want to praise him for showing basic human decency, but William’s comments when Noora didn’t want to sleep with him, saying it was a funny joke and such, or that he’d managed to sleep with her soon anyway, always bothered me, so I’m glad this wasn’t recreated in Alexander.

Mia gives him the finger, and then adds another, which is deeply fucking iconic, and we end as he slides his hand down her pants. Well, damn. A big departure from Noora, not so surprising because Mia has a lot of differences from her (such as drinking alcohol when Noora did not). Part of me is proud of Mia for being upfront about what she wants and setting boundaries for what she doesn’t, the other part is like ohhhhh nooooo, girl. You told Kiki you’d break up with him, you don’t want to go any deeper with him! (...pun intended.)

Clip 2 - Bubble bath

Mia and Alex are taking a bubble bath together, lying at opposite sides. That’s quite intimate. They are doing some types of The Sex at this point even if it is not The Whole Shebang so maybe not surprising, but certainly we’re seeing their physical relationship escalate as a faster pace than Noorhelm. They seem comfortable in there together. Alex says they should stay in there as long as they can. Like, days. Well, if you can tolerate pruning, cold water, and marinating in your own filth for that long, go for it.

Mia offhandedly mentions Alex’s grade retention and he looks tired and not ready to talk about it. That water just got a few degrees colder.

He asks why she’s so cautious, if it’s because of Kiki. Mia lies to him that she talked to Kiki and everything’s cool. MIA, NO. Really???? Not a good idea. You’re not only disrespecting Kiki with what you’re doing now, and lying to your friends, but now you’re lying to Alexander, too. I know that she probably just wants to stay in this bath and in this bubble of Alexander’s apartment where everything’s OK and she gets what she wants and no one is mad and her personal life isn’t messy, but this is not the way to go about it.

OH SHIT he actually asked about negative experiences and whether that’s why she’s bi. Errrr, is he implying that she likes girls because she’s been burned by men? YIKES. Mia tells him that statement alone is reason enough to only date girls from now on. Okay, so is that confirmation of her bisexuality? (I guess if I have to ask, probably not the clearest it could be.) And she says that she could also ask why he only does one-night stands and moves fast. He says it’s complicated. So basically, despite becoming more intimate, literally lying here naked in this tub together, both of them still have some friction, both aren’t completely opening up to each other.

She chides him for his so-called hard life, with his nice car and apartment, and he reminds her that this is his sister’s flat, and we finally get an answer of sorts that his sister is in Bali. (By now we know the truth, but when this aired I wrote in my notes: “Super dark theory: the sister is dead and he means they scattered her ashes in Bali or something like that.”)

He talks about it’s hard with his parents and then says he wants to get out of the tub as the water is getting cold, which is one hell of a turnaround from wanting to stay in there for days like a minute ago. Mia says things are difficult with her parents, too, and she’s sorry. That makes him lie back down in the tub. Tension averted for now. They fist-bump. I guess their couple thing is hand gestures? Like Jonas has Hanna’s nose, meanwhile Mia and Alex are just flipping each other the bird and knocking knuckles. I can get into that, they certainly have a lot of options.

Clip 3 - Truth or dare

Mia and Alex step outside and turn off airplane mode on their phones. So they’re really hiding from everyone, huh, not even letting text messages come through. This is shady as hell that Mia’s doing this when she told Kiki otherwise. She’s lucky because this is holiday break, but she can’t camp out in Alexander’s apartment away from the rest of the world forever

Mia told the girls she was ill. DUDE. All of them were worried and checking in on her. I wonder how many of them truly believed her and didn’t have any suspicion of what she was really doing? Kiki in particular seemed to wonder how she was doing, and I’m not sure she totally bought Mia’s excuse. But whether she did or not, that must make Mia feel a ton of guilt. (Though she still doesn’t break up with him...)

I love this shot of Mia and Alex looking so small and uncomfortable once they stepped outside, like it’s overwhelming and harsh to leave their bubble.

They go back inside because it’s cold, or because they don’t want to face the outside world, and Mia is pensive. She spins around the thermos like it’s spin the bottle (and lmao when it lands between them, fixes it to point toward Alex) and says truth or dare. I wonder why she chose that moment to get some truth between them? Because she feels guilty about the lies she told her friends? Because she wants to know this thing she’s lying to them about is worth it, and that means she has to open up?

He says truth. She asks, “Why me?” He says it’s because she knows who he is. Which true, if you assume he means all the way from when she told him off about Kiki back in season 1. She’s been pointing out his flaws all along. And I mean, maybe he has a shit opinion of himself, but she wasn’t wrong about him (at least not entirely) and she didn’t fall for an idealized version of him, Alexander the rich bad boy with the cool car who’s the most wanted guy in school. She saw through that and she saw him at much of his worst, and yet somehow she’s here anyway. And I don’t know if this is exactly what he meant, but she also knows him in the sense that they have some things in common, like dealing with difficult parents, being Christmas orphans, etc.

Mia directs the thermos at herself and says truth. Bold move considering she knows what he’s probably going to ask; she’s really just ready to talk to him about it, and this is maybe an easier way to do so, framing it as a game. Alex takes a moment to think about what to ask and then asks why she’s so cautious. She tells the story of when she was 13 and she had a crush on her friend’s older brother, who was 18. He paid her a lot of compliments and she thought he liked her. He pressured her into sleeping with him, she didn’t want to but did it anyway, and then he never texted her again. Some people are school knew about it. She felt bad about herself and couldn’t talk to anyone.

The age of consent in Germany is 14, making what happened to Mia statutory rape. This adds perhaps even more impact to Mia reporting Bjorn later in the season, because it doesn’t sound like the first guy faced any repercussions for what he did; with Bjorn there is hope that justice will be served.

I think this explains a lot about why Mia was cautious about Alexander in particular, because he’s the kind of guy who was feeding girls compliments, sleeping with them, and cutting them off. Didn’t Alexander compliment Kiki’s stomach or something? And then of course Mia had a front-row seat to him ghosting Kiki after sleeping with her, and then seeing it all happen again like a slow-motion car crash. I really, really hope this makes him think about what he was doing with girls before Mia. Remember how he tried to justify himself in episode 2 about what he did to Kiki, not making her promises and saying how he couldn’t have torn down her self-image all by himself? Here he sees the long-lasting effects of that behavior on someone. Just think, there are probably Mias out there who will end up telling their stories to someone else, and the guy they’re talking about will be Alexander.

Alex is about to turn the bottle back to himself, but Mia stops it and says she also had a thing with a girl that ended before she came to Germany. No details on why it ended, if it was something really bad or more of a mundane breakup. Since she’s not going into details, I’m assuming whatever happened wasn’t horrible, but I’d still like to know more details about it.

Could they have handled Mia’s sexuality better? Yes, of course. But at this point I was just glad they addressed it directly. It would be nice if they touched on it in the future: we haven’t yet had the build-up of Matteo living in the flat, or being rescued by Hans, but with both Hans and Mia being members of the LGBT community, it would be really nice if they were able to support Matteo, and then we could hear more about Mia’s sexuality, too, like her past relationship, how she realized she was bi, etc.

He says no pressure, they have all the time in the world. THANK GOD. Low bar, I know, but I also still think there’s value in showing men being respectful and not pressuring women into sex? If you consider that the target audience is teen girls, this is a message that they need to be hearing - that they are allowed to set sexual boundaries and that boys have to respect them. And for teenage boys, while Alex has done a lot of messed-up stuff regarding girls, this part can still be used as a model for respecting boundaries and getting consent.

Clip 4 - I bet Hans and Linn ate the soup later

Mia and Alexander are in Mia’s room, ostensibly trying to study but very clearly hot for each other and making this a kind of foreplay. However, they don’t get very far until Hans comes into the room. He asks whether Alexander made “grumpy cat” angry, lmao. I love that nickname for Mia. He flops on the bed as if checking out the view of Alexander. Hans, what about Michi??

UNFORTUNATELY the doorbell rings and Linn opens Mia’s door, saying there’s a girl with soup. We hear Kiki’s voice. UH OH. Damn, Mia didn’t even really have time to like, try to shove Alexander under the bed or anything, did she?

Alexander says it’s totally OK with him. Um, I bet it is. Would be a great opportunity to be like, hey Kiki, sorry for dumping you on NYE? Although he doesn’t look totally OK with it, though that might just be because Mia is so visibly worried.

Lol, Hans thinks for a moment, clearly recognizing Mia’s distress, and then strips off his robe and throws it over Alexander, and hey, he was the only one doing anything smart in the moment? Maybe not honest, but smart? OK, not smart, but it was ... something.

Well, Alexander ain’t up for hiding under a robe, he takes it off as Kiki walks in with a big pot. She eyes Alexander and Mia, saying she made soup. She looks stunned at first, but then gets pissed and says it’s one thing for her to fuck up and apologize, but this is the worst. I have to agree, honestly. Mia put the burden on Kiki to tell her what to do, and then she didn’t even respect Kiki’s wishes. And then she lied to everyone. After that whole performance with cooking Kiki a nice dinner to talk about how sorry she was? This makes it seem like Mia just doesn’t give a shit about Kiki’s feelings, her crying and apologizing was an act to make Mia feel better, not Kiki.

I wonder if Kiki was really thinking Mia broke it off, or if she wasn’t suspicious. Like she was definitely suspicious after Sam put it out there a few episodes ago, and some of her moves were kinda calculated toward figuring out the truth. The soup may have been genuine goodwill, but maybe she also wanted to see if Mia was really sick, or if she was hiding something. Kiki did look very shocked when she saw Alexander, but maybe she was telling herself that no, Mia wouldn’t lie, Mia meant what she said, Mia cares about her. So this moment was confirming her worst fears.

Kiki angrily puts down the bowl of soup and I have to give her some credit for not throwing it or dropping it, which is what I was expecting.

Alexander asked her why she lied, and Mia says she doesn’t know. Errr, not a great answer, Mia. I have an idea why she lied. She wanted the moral high ground of “making things right” but didn’t want to actually give anything up. She wanted to ignore or run from the problems instead of dealing with them.

Mia says she can’t do this to Kiki. Alexander is pissed. Honestly, I can’t blame him for that. He has his flaws, too, for sure, and has been a shit to Kiki, but he also asked Mia if things were OK with her and Kiki, and she said they were, and now he’s finding out they weren’t and she’s using that as a reason to break up. I’d feel pretty betrayed. She also gave them a few days where they were extremely open with each other, took their relationship to the next level physically, got vulnerable with each other, and after that, she’s calling it off. When she knew all along that it was a bad idea - like she could have nipped this in the bud at the benefit concert. Instead it’s like she dawdled and made their relationship more intense and meaningful before ending it for a reason that’s been there the whole time, which is so much worse. (For Alexander, a dude who doesn’t get close to people? Even worse.)

Mia has massively fucked up but from a story perspective, I don’t mind it? I mean … that’s good for the protagonist’s growth. I like how messy Mia has been. I think it takes her off the “perfect girl” pedestal.

Clip 5 - Panic attack

Mia is lying in bed in the dark at 21:00, so you know, she’s called it an early night. I feel you, girl. She reads her texts from earlier, where she and Alex flirted and discussed him coming over to study. How nice things were just hours earlier. No new messages.

By the way, I can see the tear streaks on her face when she’s in bed, nice detail.

However, after she puts it down and rolls over, her phone lights up. She checks it and Alex is telling her to come over. Typing in all caps so it seems extra urgent.

As she’s running to Alexander, you hear some heavy breathing and rewatching the scene, it definitely sounds masculine, but when I first watched this clip I was so surprised by this development and why Alexander needed Mia that I wasn’t paying super close attention (also not watching with headphones), and I thought it was Mia’s breathing as she’s worried and running out the door. The reveal that this is Alex’s heavy breathing during a panic attack really stunned me. It adds so much tension to the scene as Mia is running to his place, obviously heavy breathing is something that reminds you of dangerous or tense scenarios.

She runs up the stairs to his place and his door is open, the lights are dim. The way the camera follows her is really disorienting, it’s hurried, it’s shaky. The lights make everything eerier - it’s dark and the sign on the wall makes the room pink, it’s not unnatural. Watching Mia run through his apartment trying to find Alex feels like navigating a maze.

Mia calls out for Alexander and eventually finds him in his underwear in a corner, sobbing and hyperventilating. You can see him clearly in the light but there’s still something unfocused about it. Mia grabs a paper bag from the kitchen and has him breathe into it. He’s crying and saying he wasn’t there. Holy shit, this is a panic attack?

Mia holds him as he cries and gasps for breath. He asks her to stay, she says she’s not going anywhere. She makes a joke about it still being 50 euro with breakfast and he manages to laugh.

This pose at the end is definitely giving off Pietà vibes.

The camera goes from extreme closeups as Alex is gasping to pulling back once he lays in Mia’s arms and calms down a bit, once he’s able to breathe and laugh at her joke. Like we’re getting breathing room. The music also goes from really tense to something more gentle once he relaxes in her arms and she says she’ll stay.

Goddamn. So instead of Mia having panic attacks/trauma, it’s Alex??? It was Noora who was panicking in OG, but we’ve switched the roles, Mia is the one to calm down Alexander.

Props to Druck for showing a dude having a full-blown attack like this, in a very non-glamorous and vulnerable way. Panic attacks in general can be pretty visceral and they’re not pretty, and I think some media shies away from showing male characters in really fragile states like this. And it’s definitely a reversal of a lot of media gender roles to have Mia the fully clothed one who’s “in control” helping out Alex, the half-naked, sobbing and shaking one. And for this not to be portrayed as something weak, but something healing. Also, big props to the actors. Chris Veres didn’t hold back in this scene.

This clip really got to me, especially as someone who has experienced panic attacks. The earlier scene with Kiki discovering Mia and Alexander together had ratcheted up the drama, but this was one of those clips where I couldn’t really do anything else after I watched it for a little while, it had gotten under my skin that much. It’s hard for me to unpack it. Even rewatching it unnerves me, though Mia’s gentleness and compassion, and the ending where she says she’s not going anywhere, make the experience more uplifting. Bravo, Druck.

I think it helped that it was so surprising too, like we already got a very important clip earlier in the day, and it was the drama we were all expecting, the next step in the Kiki/Mia/Alex situation, but this definitely was not what I was expecting next, both in that it’s a divergence from the original storyline and that I figured the next clip would build on Mia dealing with estrangement from both Kiki and Alex.

Clip 6 - Giddy up

Mia wakes up in bed with Alex the next morning. I like the contrast here from the last scene, just what a difference the daylight can make, feeling so much less threatening, and I like Mia’s reaction, as if she’s taking in all that happened last night. She looks at a Polaroid picture at the side of the bed, of Alex and his sister. The fact that it’s beside the bed tells you how much Alex probably looks at it and misses his sister.

Alex stir and wakes up. Heh, the crinkles of their pillows and sheets are so damn loud? I kinda love it, though, it reminds me of how good it feels to slowly wake up after a good night’s sleep. He tells Mia that he had a dream where he was feeling bad and cried in front of Mia, weird right? Mia agrees. It’s very quiet and they’re whispering. Comforting, talking about it and acknowledging it without having to go into the ugly details right now. And Mia isn’t grilling him over why he was having a panic attack or anything, just being gentle. She strokes the hair behind his ear and kisses him. They kiss softly and it gets a little more intense until Mia reaches for the jar next to Alexander’s bed and grabs a condom. They smile and Mia sits up on him and takes off her shirt. The music helpfully proclaims, “I’m a cowboy” so I mean, we know what position they used. Not surprising Mia would be on top.

I have zero problems with Mia and Alexander having sex sooner than the season finale, as with Noorhelm, although I was kinda like … is this reeeeally the best time to take this step, kids? Not because of Alexander’s panic attack, but more about Kiki walking in on them and finding out, and Mia thinking she can’t do that to Kiki, and what the hell they were going to do. It felt like they had a lot to talk about. But even so, I can definitely see why Mia felt it was the right time to take this step. There was no way Mia was leaving Alexander after last night, and clearly they care about each other a ton. It must have felt not just like waking up in the morning, but that they survived the night. The panic attack made Mia realize the total depth of her feelings, I think, and so I can fully see why it led to increased tenderness and intimacy.

Comparing Mia and Noora, Mia has trust issues and a bad experience with sex like Noora, but William did more stuff that would’ve broken Noora’s trust and made her question her feelings for him before they had sex. Noora and William kissed, then William was cold to her in front of his brother, so Noora was upset, then they made up, then William smashed a bottle over a guy’s head, then Noora was upset at that and questioned whether she could be with William, then before they could get back together, Niko happened. Since they’ve kissed, Mia hasn’t really had so many reasons to be upset with Alexander himself - it’s all about the situation with Kiki putting stress on their relationship. So I can see why the sexual element of their relationship, and the relationship as a whole, escalated much faster; Mia had more time to build up trust with him without that getting interrupted.

Clip 7 - Crew love is true love

Hanna and Mia are in the bathroom and Mia’s been telling Hanna how fast everything has gone in the last few days. It sure did! By the way, Hanna’s looking very pretty.

I like how they went from the cowboy song in the previous clip being a non-diegetic song and transitioned into this one as a diegetic song, with it playing at the Abi party now. That kind of stuff is clever, and it’s smoother than just choppily switching songs between scenes.

Alex is going to therapy now, which I love. I love that we have the Bad Boy Rich Dreamboat character seeking professional help for his trauma, I love that Druck is mentioning therapy rather casually, normalizing it. It’s not something that’s considered shameful or embarrassing, just a potential avenue for help. Mia says she doesn’t think it was his first panic attack, but she doesn’t really know why. (I’d understand if people were ehhhh about Mia telling all this to Hanna if you want, like IDK if Alexander gave her permission to tell people about his panic attack. Mia and Hanna seem to be pretty trustworthy about stuff like Matteo’s sexuality and they’re not trading it as juicy gossip, but I would get it.)

Hanna says Jonas also won’t talk to anyone, not even Matteo. Ohhh no. That boy might need some professional help, too, if he’s that much of a mess.

Hanna’s totally hugging turtleneck guy/not Gereven when they enter the club. Mia looks around and sees Kiki with Carlos. KIKI, TREAT HIM RIGHT. CARLOS, TREAT HER RIGHT. Kiki glares at Mia.

Carlos gets a drink the same time Mia does and says, “What’s up Judas?” Not gonna lie, that’s mean, but it made me laugh. He does the typical “ugh girl drama BITCH FIGHT” thing, and lmao, I can’t help but think of like Jonas/Toilet Sam tussling in the stairwell in S1. Yes, it’s all girl drama, boy fights just don’t exist, ever!

Carlos is like, it’s none of my business, he doesn’t want to get involved, but he’s getting involved (lmao) and tells her how Kiki was in a very bad state the last few days, and says it would be a good move to smooth everything out. He’s like, good talk, and walks off. Without paying either, lol. Mia pays for him. Well, I guess she has some groveling to do. God, that talk was ridiculous but benevolent of him? He’s looking out for Kiki’s well-being.

"Two angry birds” aka Sam and Amira (and lmao I love that nickname) come up to Mia. Indeed, they look angry. Mia says she’ll make it up to Kiki. I mean, she should probably apologize to the other girls, too, for lying and putting them all in this awkward position where they’re torn between friends.

Heh, there’s some banter among the girls about Sam being the only one who’s single and when Amira is like helloooo, Sam says she has Allah. Although it’s played more as a joke, this follows the same pattern of people disregarding the Sana character as someone who can have romantic relationships and feelings. She doesn’t count in the conversations about who in their group is alone and who’s not.

Mia follows Kiki to talk to her. She apologizes and Kiki just looks annoyed. I don’t blame her considering that Mia’s last apology with the dinner turned out to feel hollow, all words but not backed up with actions. Kiki points out she was a hypocrite. I love Mia and I feel sympathy for her, but Kiki is really really not wrong.

Maybe this is obvious, but I’m seriously just realizing how close this situation is to Eva/Jonas/Ingrid in S1 (or Hanna/Jonas/Leonie), even more than Vilde, Noora, and William were to that situation. Mia fucked it up with Kiki to a level Noora didn’t with Vilde.

Kiki interrupts and tells Mia what’s what - that if she had been honest from the beginning, Kiki wouldn’t have stopped her. But instead, Mia went to her when Kiki was heartbroken and basically made Kiki tell her what to do and give her her blessing. That’s exactly what happened! Mia put the burden on Kiki and basically said her happiness was in Kiki’s hands, like either Kiki had to be the villain and tell Mia to break up with Alex, or put aside her own feelings and be OK with it, even when she was the person who was wronged. Kiki didn’t feel like doing giving her blessing when she felt like shit and had been betrayed by a friend. And she didn’t expect Mia to listen, but Mia should’ve cared about her from the beginning. Kiki calls Mia out on being honest not just with others, but with herself. Kki used to compare herself to Mia, Mia gives all these moral lectures that sound smart and clever, but it’s not about what you say, but what you do. Well, shit. She’s right. And Mia needs to hear this. I’ve said this before, but I think their relationship is really complex this season. Messy, but complex. And this dynamic between them, with Kiki feeling like Mia didn’t really care, or was judging her, goes beyond just Alexander’s involvement. It’s not just fighting because of a boy.

Mia is apologizing and Carlos comes in to ruin the moment and be like “You straightened it out?” Lmao dude, don’t interrupt. He gives them all a shot, which is his attempt to play mediator, I guess, so he’s dumb but he’s trying. Kiki clinks glasses with him, then walks out. When Mia calls after her, Kiki says you still want my blessing? But you need yours. Whoaaaa.

Carlos and Kiki walk off hand in hand talking about her breasts. Well, I guess it’s nice that they’re appreciated without the surgery. Though obviously it’s about how Kiki feels about her body, not Carlos.

Mia stays behind and has a Moment, I guess she’s thinking about how she needs to go all in with Alexander, get rid of her remaining doubts. Then she goes out to meet her girls, they smile and dance. Finally Kiki smiles at Mia and they dance together. I love their little glance of reconciliation. The girl squad has a group hug. Awww!

Toilet Sam comes in and greets everyone! He’s talking to Hanna and OF FUCKING COURSE that’s when Jonas and Matteo roll in. Jonas sees Hanna and Sam and legit pulls a Granpa Smpson exit, lmao at Matteo’s exasperated exit after him. Poor Matteo.

Mia and Kiki dance together in the closing moments of the clip, and it’s a fitting ending. Yay, they’re happy again! Truly the next three episodes will only be good times and no more suffering!

Social Media/General Comments:

LMAO, I fucking lost it at all the passive-aggressive Instagram stories that Kiki posted after the dinner from last episode. She tagged only Amira, Hanna, and Sam, not Mia, posting pictures that didn’t include Mia, set to Little Mix’s “Shout Out to my Ex” for that extra bitter flair. Which you know, fits Kiki’s relationship with Alexander, but honestly feels more like Mia is her ex going by the pictures, lol. Then Amira, Hanna, and Sam respond by posting Kiki’s posts WITH Mia, like good lord, the dramaaaaa of it all. I mean, they’re all making a statement, that they’re not ditching Mia, but how must that make Kiki feel? But it’s all so teenage and petty and immature that I love it.

Jonas flakes on Matteo, saying he needs to study, but it’s more like he’s staying home and getting wasted. Matteo is worried and says they barely see each other anymore. Jeez. This is a total reversal of what we’ll likely see in S3, unless they are BOTH total messes in that season. Then it’ll be up to wise men Carlos and Abdi to step up for their bros. We did see Carlos having some sage advice in this episode, so maybe it’s not such a wild idea?

Matteo and Hanna talk later and Matteo lets Hanna know that Jonas isn’t doing well and that he failed a math test. I don’t think it’s Hanna’s duty to fix Jonas’ problems at all, but it’s nice that Matteo and Hanna are talking together and trying to help Jonas.

The other girls were gossiping about Mia and Alex. Amira figured out that Mia probably wasn’t answering because Mia was at Alexander’s place. Sigh, Mia. How long did you think you could keep your relationship a secret? It always gets out, as you just learned last week!!

Kiki posts a LOT of stuff about fake friends on IG after she discovers Mia and Alex together, and it’s pretty juvenile, but you know, hashtag relatable. And understandable. Super teenage.

I like that Amira reached out to Kiki and said she was there if she needed to talk. Kiki has been a shit to Amira on multiple occasions, but Amira remains a true friend. And I hope Kiki keeps this in mind the next time she wants to say something racist or insensitive (not that she would recognize it as such, probably).

Druck gave out hotline information for teenagers after the panic attack clip, encouraging them to talk to someone, which is great. Again, I love how they’re encouraging teenagers not to go through their problems alone, whether it’s through therapy, hotlines, or talking to trusted friends and family.

Amira talked about religious discrimination on Instagram and how difficult it is to get into public service in Germany when you wear a hijab. She’s mentioned this before, when the girls were meeting with career counselors, and I really hope that we somehow get a S4 despite the girls’ graduation so we can get an Amira season. I would love to see her story talk specifically about her ambitions and how she tries to achieve them despite people constantly telling her she won’t be able to make it as a Muslim hijabi. Just send Amira to Australia and she can have a life-changing backpacking adventure. It would be amazing. (Skam never gave us the Evak + boy squad Morocco trip we deserved, so I am down for Druck providing that awesome travelogue content.)

I am not German so please feel free to correct me or clarify me on cultural and language matters.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#druck reactions #druck

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papatonyinsandiego · 6 years

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A Lifetime of Queer Activism, Part One

In honor of today being the Fortieth Anniversary of Harvey Milk’s Death, I am sharing how he inspired me to be a queer activist for my entire adult life. Others are honoring his memory in other ways.

I have been writing my memoirs and posting them online. I have been getting feedback from other folks, who are keenly interested in hearing how things used to be, and how things have changed in recent history.

Clearly, I need to document my own tale of the work that I have done to intentionally help make the world a safer and better place for generations to come. It’s time.

We have lost an ENORMOUS amount of our history due to AIDS

Back when everyone around me was dying, our community vaporized. It was everyone for themselves, for a long time.

When someone would die, their relatives would arrive to deal with the deceased’s belongings. They’d change the locks and evict the husband of 34 years, who would have no legal claim to the house that he had been helping to pay for, all along.

Or, they would look around the son’s apartment, and scowl at the porn, the dildos and the books. Everything “perverted” would go into the landfill as having zero worth. This included leather gear, title vests, book manuscripts, gay-related libraries and historical artifacts.

The first thing that Dennis and I did when we joined-up a long, long time ago, was to get legal papers giving each other Durable Power of Attorney. The lawyer fees cost around $3,000 at the time, which is equivalent to $5,500 in today’s money. We felt that it was well worth it, because we did NOT want one of us to be stripped of everything by relatives on the other side.

1975 - My New Life Begins

As I have said before, I didn’t know how to come out as a gay man. I had no role-models, so I came out to my family in a very confrontational way. I am still comfortable with that decision.

This was because I was the very first human being in my entire family’s history to come out of the closet. As things turned out, I paved the way for two lesbian sisters, one gender-fluid niece, and at least one more recently-out niece.

I’m puzzled, though - I am one of ten siblings, with a LOT of nieces and nephews. Statistically-speaking, there should have been a lot more younger folks in my family being open and out by now. It’s a little baffling.

I notice that when a younger relative is ready to come out, it ALWAYS starts with a visit to my home for a sudden, out-of-the-blue “nice weekend visit.” Before the weekend is over, they are asking to be brought to where the queers hang out.

My husband and I get the whole story, and we give our blessings. Then, they start coming out to everyone else.

This Was The Mantra That I Took On From Harvey Milk:

That was the quote that permanently changed my life.

When I came out of the closet as a gay man, I never STOPPED coming out. I never met my hero and role-model, Harvey Milk, but I wanted to BE him. I wanted to YANK our planet further along its axis, to a day when every queer child was safe, loved and appreciated.

My own safety was of no interest to me. Being six foot five, and hardened by an abusive childhood, I could be tough as nails, underneath a very congenial exterior. I carried myself like a security guard… vigilant and perceptive. Folks could see that I wasn’t an easy pushover.

I could master just about any social circumstance, so I went to work, being the Casually and Constantly Openly-Gay Man. Even while I was in the Navy.

To accomplish this, I used every possible social tactic to come out to every person that I interacted with. Before I figured out the optimal ways to come out, I was somewhat of a “pie in the face” homosexual. By this, I mean that I would come out, whether the person in front of me needed to know or not…

“Here is your change, sir!” “Thank you, from a proud gay man!”

If you are younger than I am, it may be hard to picture what the environment was like for queer folks. Things were a LITTLE bit better in the mid-1970′s than before, but not a lot.

There was a very aggressive push-back from folks who hated us, and new laws to harm us were constantly on the ballots. We were visible more and more, and we were facing constant backlash to try and drive us back into shame.

After plenty of practice, I had discovered the perfect way to come out to strangers:

I would look for an excuse to share some happiness.

“I am very happy today.” “Really? Tell me why.” “I just celebrated my anniversary. Want to see a picture of my sweetie?” “Sure! - Oh, my!”

I used THAT technique a LOT during my high school reunion. Given that I had been attached to several high-profile girlfriends back in the day, this was a real shocker for everybody. They never knew, up until that day.

MY personal war was on a one-to-one level. My reasoning (as a very idealistic young man) was to come out to everyone, and after a few years, folks who had never had anybody come out to them would have adjusted their thinking in a permanent way. The concept of “meeting gay folks” would have settled into their brains as the norm, rather than a freakish, one-time occurrence.

At the time, I was certain that millions of other bold souls were doing the exact same things. Ehhhh, not so much, at least at first. But, more and more DID - I was just ahead of the curve.

Looking Back From Now

After I got out of the Navy, I found my lifetime career as a computer consultant, for nearly 39 years.

I am sliding into retirement nowadays. Up until recently, I had been the highest-rated Certified Apple Consultant on earth for the last nine years. Until I broke off from being affiliated with Apple, I have had more five-star ratings on Apple’s Web site than all of the rest of Southern California, combined.

This means that I have traveled to the homes and businesses of tens of thousands of clients. While working on their networks, hardware and software, I have casually mentioned my boyfriend, or, starting 27 years ago, my husband. Our first marriage is documented here.

As far as I know, Dennis and I were the very first ones to powerfully refer to each other as “ my husband,” as opposed to “partner,” “roommate” or “spouse.” It blew a lot of people out of the water hearing the phrase “my husband” from a huge, deep-voiced male. Lots of stammering responses. Lots of rapid blinking. Requests for a repeat of what I had just said.

I always had the attitude that they were delightful, open-minded people, and were glad to know me better. Most rose to the occasion. If they weren’t pleased, then that was fine, too.

I have NO doubt that this has cut into my income in some invisible way… Never being called back, or lack of referral to other clients. Whatever. I have never cared, nor have I regretted what I did along the way. I would do it all again, if I was given the choice.

I have been a man on a mission to make the world safer for LGBTQ+ folks, and if it meant that I wasn’t ever going to be wealthier, then that was just fine. I was living the open, unapologetic life that I gladly chose.

Coming Up

In the next few articles in this series, I will be talking about the rest of the journey... the angry marches, and forty or so Pride Parades, ACT UP, arguing with businesses (and winning!) and lessons learned along the way.

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