#as if it wasnt hard enough to experience the episodes

[ot3]

I mean this in entirely good faith, I promise, but I'd love to hear the "shortcomings" you think those shows have

she ra i mostly just found boring i don't think i could point to a single thing it did (out of what i watched, that is. i didn't finish the show) that i found to be an objectionable writing choice, but it just didn't do anything to keep my interest. which is a shame because i went into it REALLY excited!!! i had long been a fan of nimona so hearing that ND stevenson was getting the chance to make a cartoon i was SO prepared to be all over it. and i watched it and it all just fell pretty flat for me

steven universe and the owl house i feel like are shows with some pretty major structural issues. i really think they try to have their cake and eat it in terms of episodic moments vs overarching series narratives that are kind of at odds with each other.

with steven universe i feel like this manifested in some pretty bizarre tonal whiplash that prevented either of the shows angles from sticking its landing. i think if steven universe had either been an epic space opera about a kid inheriting his mother's war, it would have fucking banged. i think if steven universe had been a more slice-of-life oriented show about a boy coming of age by realizing he's sort of the living manifestation of the war trauma of the people around him and learning to navigate and help people heal from that through fantastical, alien super-powered twists on mundane life that would have banged in a completely different way. but as it stands i think trying to do both at the same time detracted from the overall experience.

it feels weird to have them fucking around at the barn when there is something that is going to literally hatch from the earth's crust like an egg and destroy the entire planet and theyre just ignoring it. it feels weird in a different way to have them visit an alien zoo full of human beings and know that the structure of the show means we will absolutely not be taking the time to fully unpack that one. for me this cognitive dissonance really reached its peak an episode where steven explicitly calls his mother a war criminal, but that was a throwaway line because the A plot was that lars, the guy who works at the donut shop, bakes as a hobby and is embarrassed by that. to be perfectly clear i don't think it's impossible to balance more mundane slice of life moments with big adventures to combat existential threats. but whatever that balance looks like is not what steven universe was doing

the owl house on the other hand i don't feel like was ever really willing to commit to a particular vibe long enough to get invested in it. it's trying to be a show about a girl who is a witch's apprentice, but that doesn't really feel quite fully realized because it's also trying to be a show about a Magic School, but we don't spend enough time at the Magic School to get invested in that setting as a framework for the character interactions and narrative events, but then it also starts trying to be this big adventure/questing show. and then before too long luz is the one teaching magic to everyone else? it refuses to really commit to any one thing it's trying and just kind of throws everything at you with out actually getting to spend time with its concepts

in general i also think luz was a weak protagonist. in terms of writing. i think she wasnt given enough meaningful flaws, didn't make enough mistakes, and didn't really have to learn any hard lessons or make decisions that fundamentally went against who she thought she was. her whole thing is basically being Nerdy and Kinda Weird which i think is kind of an outdated substitute for meaningful character writing in the current zeitgeist. im sure she is an absolutely fantastic power fantasy for a lot of 12 year old girls who consider reading books to be their main personality trait and i absolutely do not fault that for existing. i think that's a critical thing to exist and all those 12 year olds really deserve it. but it has no appeal to me as an adult woman who has grown out of that phase, yknow?

i feel like once again the comparison to akko from little witch academia invites itself very easily, and anne from amphibia too, which was also a disney teen girl isekai airing at the same time. i loved both of those two as protags a ton and i think its because they really fumbled repeatedly and went through the wringer in a way luz didn't

#long post

[lizaluvsthis]

PART 2 HYPERFIXATION FOR SMG4: Mario looks at SMG4's browser history

Okay last one...(f-cking photos has a limit)

Previous hyperfixation (read first)

So it is true that SMG3 does torture SMG4's life by ruining his day(come back from the episode you used to be cool where smg3 said "usual")

Since the word "usual" is used from SMG3's statement after we learned from that episode where he "considered killing" him. Directly to smg4.

SPOILER...

Seems like SMG3 DOES love to put out a good show where he still makes smg4 suffer the most mildest things with apparent reasons of constant teasing for the man and Three just enjoys it.

(If SMG4 did things to ruin his life so badly, by smg4 doing so in purpose, then so should SMG3 WILL and would ruin his day back.)

Worst thing SMG3 would think of, is forgiving SMG4. Because why in hell would he do that after everything?

Not only... SMG3 hides behind his secret, and mentioning WOTFI 2021 where SMG3 said something along the lines with "try and make him cry" is and definitely puts on that SMG3 still concealed himself from his inner shell as his emotional break down to cover up the sensitive emotion he has.

And that it'd be so out of character and sudden to forgive smg4 just like that, he'd be in the usual doings of "Hell no f-cking way I'd do that just now, why would I forgive this assh-le for ruining my life?"

Because thats an emotional baggage for SMG3 to cope on, he livestreams himself on twitch to play random ass games for his stress relief because of him. SMG4 has been stuck with him for like- a decade now and this is sh-t ass ruining him

if you all shouldve noticed just now, smg4 hasnt apologized EVERYTHING to SMG3 yet. Because he wasn't sure how "emotions" and "actions" could play out from his character after he did those "assumable" things to break SMG3's dreams.

Thats simple. He's a very difficult man to comprehend with his own self thoughts, he's overwhelmed at himself to where it breaks him. If SMG3 is socially awkward to talking or making new friends, then so SMG4 is the one whos difficult to solve the problem with his causes (like saying sorry wasnt very easy for him to put out)

Cause all smg4 did was focus on his meme contents from doing what he loves, he broke three for being famous, and his cafe, with also his dreams on starting his own production, not to ALSO mention his damage to SMG3.

If smg3 would even still forgave him for doing all of that om purpose without even realizing. But to smg3, he didn't want to say he'll forgive SMG4 instead. He still recovers from each and everything from that.

Because he'd seen how fragile SMG4 is at this part. SMG4 could only rely with making his contents to get money off from youtube, to THEN paying the expenses for whatever waterbills, electricbills, his loans from the property he's paying for, foods from groceries.

Literally EVERYTHING.... he's been trying to provide and same this goes on with SMG3 where he started his coffee shop, the one who works two jobs as a twitch streamer and a cafe owner. (The reason why SMG3 gets money from thats how he could afford everything just by double timing his job)

Since smg4 doesnt know sh-t with jobs, SMG3 is up ahead him, smart enough to think. While SMG4's knowledge is a bit too unstable without any of his college experience since he didn't like school then he hates studying.

Studying helps you learn countless of things even tho its a hard challenge to try, you still need to learn either way to know bits of facts. SMG4 dropped out and didn't graduate from college, but did SMG3 continued college?

That remains unknown, but we do know for a fact he is twice as smarter than SMG4 and Mario. (God what a fabulous b-tch.)

The reason why college is important is that you can set a course of what you'd want to get a job you'd be capable of loving from. And knowing that SMG3 pays atleast too many stuff by marketing and selling or trading or who knows what from the internet to make him get that much of advantage to get enough money.

SMG3 improvised his skills to survive

And so if SMG4 could do the same he'd probably have the same braincells as his boyfriend/j

- (whoops I just realized that I moved the topic to college but eh-)

Anyway following on with our focused topic.

If SMG4 couldnt admit that he'd say sorry to SMG3, then there would be a constant loop of the friends not understanding each other.

I still have a feeling that SMG3 could almost understand, like he could see through what SMG4 has been feeling. But he couldnt show that emotion to four- it'd look WEIRD. for him. Better yet is that- SMG4 would most likely be the optimisstic one to show symapthy, but still- SMG3 is an empathetic man for SMG4.

Just so is SMG4 when he cant understand how his actions can cause consequences like smg3 for example, SMG3 didn't even do much damage to SMG4 after everything. Because what SMG3 thinks is that he- deserved it. Everything to him from what he had done to smg4- willl be always pointed at him as he only sees himself as the bad guy.

Like oh man- how assumable can smg4 be when smg3 gets something that he finally wishes to have for? Attention. And he's been the one saying "thats what we do for each other right?" When SMG4 did it his way while SMG3 has finally moved on. Like SMG4... I see you as the person who've been causing a lot by i mean ALOT. Of problems.

Four suffers because of this cause he never understands how relationships or just by general actions work, because he never had someone close to him to guide his way for understanding.

They both were literally born from a USB and then came down there to explore their new selves.

Not even once SMG4 thought about- "why did I do that to him? I should say sorry... If only I didnt destroy his cafe nor even his productions"

Its because FOUR WAS SO AFRAID. In repeat. Lets repeat this again.

Three cant forgive SMG4 because he's been having alot of thoughts from his head that would lead to the death of him.

And SMG4 cant apologize cause he's unaware of what would happen if he did. He would overthink about this... and better yet- Three's motions are unrecognizable so Four would keep on missing his chances if he'd want to say it. He wondered that if he told sorry to smg3, he'd be the one to blamed more and three would be more pissed. Because they both wanted to forget the past.

But the past is already apart of them, a memory they both went through together...

So... well- theres my fixating- :)))))

@b-r-i-n-g-x .

#smg4 #smg34 #smg3 #smg4 smg3 #lizafixates

[bogkeep]

grousing about ai art stuff

every time i open twitter (my mistake) there's a new thread on how to spot ai art or ai photos by finding all the mistakes in it, and like obviously this is useful and it's good to watch out because they kEEP SHOWING UP EVERYWHERE AHHH HELL WORLD HELL WORLD, but it's also a little depressing that we're training ourselves to nitpick all kinds of details within a piece of art.

like even before the artifically generated image boom randos on twitter would reply to fully finished illustrations with the most asinine unsolicited advice possible. art's gonna be flawed sometimes! i'll draw someone in a weird pose because of vibes! i'll wing a hand! i don't fucking know what a house actually looks like!!! like yes of course the way a human artist creates flawed art is different from the way an algorithm doesn't actually know what anything looks like because it has no mind. it doesn't know shit. so it's not that it's UNRELIABLE but it's like. it's like... i've been telling myself and others every time i'm struggling to make something look Just Right that actually nobody i going to be staring as hard at my art as i am while making it. if i don't point it out people aren't likely to notice unless they are going through it with a fine toothed comb BUT NOW WE ARE DOING THAT APPARENTLY. WHICH IS ANYONE'S PEROGATIVE AND FAIR ENOUGH! PEOPLE CAN LOOK AT MY ART HOWEVER THEY WANT IT'S FINE

but it's ALSO so depressing to consider having to analyse every single piece of art you come across like that my goddddddd i just wanna enjoy it!! i wanna enjoy art!!!! i mean the main reason i finally stopped going on twitter regularly was during the NFT boom and i got so tired of having to vet every single artist i came across to make sure i wasnt retweeting nft stuff. like that really ruined my previously enjoyable experience of LOOKING AT NICE ART ON MY FEED WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE.

god another thing that happened during the dark nft times was how certain art styles tended to be nfts. and i don't mean the ugly apes and stuff, like of course there's those, but there were a lot of artists who sold their souls to crypto and there was just a certain Vibe to a lot of those styles. like i got a sixth sense for it, i would see a piece of art by an unknown artists and when i checked - yep, that was a crypto guy now. and you know what!!!! i hated that!!!! i hate that it ruined entire art styles for me!! AND NOW ARTIFICIALLY GENERATED IMAGES ARE DOING THE SAME!!!!! like what tends to tip me off is less because i spotted some wonky hand or a weird flap but because the style is a popular one for the ai bros to imitate. you know what i mean right!!!!!! it's kind of how the ai photos look a bit too clean and crisp and smooth in an unsettling way. it just pings the brain a bit.

ULTIMATELY the absolute main method i have for filtering away ai images isn't so much looking for mistakes, but by checking sources. it's the same way i check that i'm not reblogging from reposting accounts Because That's A Thing I Care About Too - if there's no description or the description seems off and i don't recognise the OP, i check the original post/blog to see what's up. if the image gives me a weird vibe, i check where it comes from and who posted it. oftentimes the comments on posts with ai images will point it out - they're not always accurate and there's definitely been times where people are a little too trigger happy to accuse art of being AI... but it can be a good lead or confirm suspicions. on one hand, i don't want to do detective work while im having chill scrolling time, but on the other hand - i already had this habit for other reasons, so it's less disruptive to me than the alternative. it also helps that it's very rare for ai shit to turn up in my tumblr feed. i don't want to keep looking over my shoulder!!

(also for anyone who wants a little bit of optimism in the middle of all this, here's an episode of Better Offline podcast that outlines how it's very unlikely for generative ai to actually get much better. here's the part two also.)

#we live in the stupidest timeline

[quodekash]

EPISODE 2 BAD BUDDY OS2 LETS GOOOOO im so freaking excited holy hell 

i still cant believe that patpran and earthmix are going to INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER??? AND EXIST IN THE SAME SPACE???? HOLY HELLLLLL 

wait hang on 

will we get longtae?? pls give us longtae i need to see my boy 

WAIT hang on how does this work. how do bad buddy and 1000stars exist in the same space if drake plays korn and also rang. i need to make some kind of murder board of the connections between shows holy hell 

tut tut, phu, you need to take care of yourself for goodness sake 

pran is too autistic for this, he doesnt know how to Social Situation and communicate what he was actually trying to say and now they think he wants to be a teacher 

also im gonna slide past the phutian relationship problems bc i dont want to think about it. my dads are not getting a divorce, and thats final 

hang on. there’s new kids now??? where the hell did they come from? 

tian’s teacher frustration is so real 

autism 

HEY 

LOOK AT THAT 

ACTUAL REPRESENTATION OF SOME KIND 

THATS AWESOME 

I KNEW HE WASNT NEUROTYPICAL 

FJEHSBGKVJREB 

i know ocd is an anxiety disorder but there’s a lot of overlapping symptoms and apparently autistic people are more likely to experience ocd 

and even if its just ocd, im still allowed to hc him as autistic 

but either way HELL YEAH REPRESENTATION AND ITS CANONICAL AND ITS NOT JUST IN HIS HABITS ITS AN ACTUAL CANONICAL DIAGNOSIS GJERBDHBDRT 

MY BOY! 

(definitely didnt completely forget about him) 

his gaydar is going off so much he can smell it (i made the screenshot too big and now phupha in the foreground is making me laugh so hard omg- i swear its the funniest thing ever. im probably tired. its 1:30am) 

THE LOOKS PATPRAN GAVE EACH OTHER WHILE PHUTIAN WERE INTERACTING- THE GAYDARS THE GAYDARS 

(yes, i know they already know about phutian bc of tian’s online diary thingy, but it still counts) 

i wanna read this diary so bad but i cant read thai. and also idk where i would find it. its probably online somewhere. it might be a merch thing. who knows man 

GEHRKDBGV THE FLASHBACKS WHILE HES READING 

IM CRYING 

“why would a good guy come to watch me take a shower?” THE LOOKS PATPRAN JUST GAVE EACH OTHER- OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH 

THE LOOKS THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE 

ITS SO FUNNY 

I LOVE THIS 

iconic 

i love everything about this so so so much 

the amount of joy that just this one image brings me? help 

ive been wondering why they keep making those movies 

wait hang on 

guys i think we might actually be onto something 

on another but related note: what do you guys spend 25 minutes doing at 2 in the morning when you should be sleeping? cos apparently i make beautiful atrocities like that. 

anyway. 

theyre like little kids, “he liked me first” “NO HE LIKED ME FIRST” 

this is starting to sound very familiar 

pran screaming at the waterfall reminds me of patpran screaming off the top of the hill at the beach 

THEY ARE PLAYING IN THE WATERRRR I LOVE THEMMMMMM 

“i think they kissed” “agreed” “they certainly did” “i agree” okay they didnt but they absolutely should have and we all wanted them to 

they so in loveeee i love themmmmm 

IM SCREAMING AS QUIETLY AS I POSSIBLY CAN, HOLY HELL THE FREAKING PARALLELS 

hah, you bloody americans, they probably had to google what 18ºC is in fahrenheit, but i, a superior australian, know that that is... warmer than it has been recently. its currently 13º. its really weird, im not used to it getting this cold, even in winter, and winter only technically started two days ago. anyway, enough about abnormal australian weather, back to patpran 

i love them so much 

pat, i- 

HELL YES 

OISHIIIII 

FINALLY 

the kid demanding payment through sips of oishi tea? thats my kinda style 

id adopt that kid if i had to. 

i hate kids 

but ice tea? it bonds people. 

lucky kid 

i rly like this karaoke idea, i was wondering how they were gonna incorporate the ost but i guess pat’s gonna sing it 

P’AUUUU 

I THOUGHT I RECOGNISED HIM IN THE BACKGROUND EARLIER AND I WAS RIGHT 

HELLO P’AU HOW ARE YOU 

“actually, my boyfriend and i also fought about who fell for the other first. but in the end, it isnt important. what matters more is that we love each other” AWWWWBHFGHBR 

OH 

ITS THE SONG 

ITS THAT SONG 

GEIURHGUKERJBGHJK 

YAYYYY PHUTIAN ARE SNUGGLINGGGG 

IM SMILING SO HARD ITS DIFFICULT TO SEE 

i love him 

THE SIGNATURE FISTBUMP RJDGBJR 

i love them 

NOOOOO THEY STILL HAVENT MADE UP, GOSH FREAKING DARNNIT 

ooooo phu vs pat drinking challenge, this’ll be fun 

i really like how the young ones are giving advice to the older ones for a change, its very nice. and also just goes to show how powerful patpran are 

omg this kid is everywhere, i love him 

the pure RELIEF when they both see that they are, in fact, wearing pants. 

BRO THAT WAS STRESSFUL 

PRAN NEARLY DIED 

its so funny to me how intense the music is rn 

OF FREAKING COURSE 

well at least we know that means we’ll get more patpran next week, we dont have to say goodbye to them today 

anyway that was wonderful, its 3am and i feel fine currently, cant wait to feel like a dead banana peel tomorrow, goodnight folks, see you next time! 

#quodekash watches our skyy 2 despite desperately needing to sleep #our skyy 2 #our skyy x bad buddy #our skyy x a tale of thousand stars #our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars #os2 #bad buddy series #bad buddy the series #atots #1000stars #a tale of thousand stars #patpran #ohmnanon #phutian #earthmix #ohm pawat #nanon korapat #earth pirapat #mix sahaphap

[s3cr3tjuic3]

long post ahead!! this is purely copy and paste so sorry for any spelling errors

after they get brought back, regressors roxas and xion and caregiver axel bc theyve all been through so much

roxas and xion regressing bc, i mean, they never had a childhood and axel just easily takes up the mantle of caregiving bc i he loves them so much and they deserve to have a healthy coping mechanism and dangit they are just so cute!

the two started regressing involuntarily and neither could put a name to it, they both would just find axel and tell him something was wrong and cry and all axel could do was craddle the two and tell them it would be alright

it wasnt until riku visited one day and the two "had another episode" and riku saw and pointed out that they were regressing

axel didnt catch on as fast but the two littles did and they were devastated

riku easily stepped up and calmed the little down. after a little explaining to axel what age regression was, axel didnt even think before he started taking care of them.

riku decided that it was nap time to he "coherced" the two littles to lay down and watch a movie while he "got them a surprise"

riku taught axel how to make the kids angel milk and even wrote it down. the two presented the sippys and while xion was eager to taste whatever sugary surprise riku made, roxas w as shy abt the idea of drinking from a sippy cup but ge eventually gave in and the two littles passed out before even finishing the cups

axel asked riku how he knew so much about age regression and riku was silent for a moment.

-"riku you dont have to tell me"

-"no, its not that, its just... sora was a little and i used to be his caregiver... i just miss him is all"

that couldn't be said without a little tears, everyone missed sora and no one was any step closer to finding him

the two regressors had a talk with axel and riku the next time they were big, riku explained an answer to every question they asked, very knowledgeable in experience. the two had a hard time accepting the coping mechanism their brain choose for them but [riku: "its a totally healthy and normal coping mechanism and response. i know nobody says it but you were put through a lot and deserve to be able to experience the childhood you never had"] it was just a little bit easier after that

riku was a frequent babysitter and the two littles even started calling him "bubba"

before sora disappeared, when riku was new to caregiving, he worriedly searched everywhere for an appropriately sized paci for sora and ended up in traverse town before sid. riku tried to be as inconspicuous as possible around sid but sid had been around long enough to gather that something was going on and confronted riku abt it. riku caved and told him about sora coming to him regressed one nice and how he had sucked on his thumbs for so long that he had a blister and riku really needed a replacement. pitbull sid, been there, done that actually had a hidden supply of adult pacis. he knew a few people who were littles and, hey, he does run a shop, so he supplied some just in case he ran into someone who needed it. riku almost cried tears of joy when sid presented him with a plain red a paci and riku was off back to the tower to give sora his new present. the little boy was beyond happy and spent the rest of the day curled up to riku's side with his new paci

#age regression #sfw agere #agere #sfw age regression #fandom agere #salli screeches #kingdom hearts #kh #kh agere #kh age regression #kingdoms hearts agere #kingdom hearts age regression #xion #xion kh #xion kingdom hearts #roxas #roxas kh #roxas kingdom hearts #axel #axel kh #axel kingdom hearts #🫐 #salli's scribbles

[stevenrogered]

Two of the things that really stuck out for me in Dexter and Emma's fight during episode 7 is how, after Dex said he believes she always thought he was stupid, Emma doesn't correct him. However when Emma says the way he's acting makes her believe that he thinks she's not cool or interesting or ambitious Dex is so fast to say he doesn't think that.

The much more raw point between them I think was when Dex said to him it seemed like she jealous of his success. Honestly I think he had a point there. Especially when he mentions that from her pov she did so well at uni and now she's struggling to figure things out, where as he didn't do as well as her academically but he managed to make a career. Sure like she pointed out, he had the connections to get a work experience job, however I think he was right in saying it was his own hard work that got him to where he was. She didn't really appreciate his achievements the same way he would build her up. Like when she was thinking of a career change and he encouraged her to become a teacher saying she'd be amazing at it (I was as crushed as Emma that he made the 'those who can't do, teach' comment.).

Anyway I might have read this wrong, but I think subconsciously over the years he wanted Emma to be impressed with what he'd achieved, and how worldly he was (like when he was ordering the oysters) and because she didn't give him a big reaction like 'wow this is amazing, you've done so well for yourself,' he got frustrated.

agreed! he 1000% thought he wasnt good enough for her, and i think on some level, she thought she wasnt good enough for him.

i liked that they basically read each other for filth though lol bc as hard as it was to watch, they were both right. and the things they said about the other are the exact things each of them worked on. which is why it meant so much to him that when he was opening the cafe, he got her full, entire, unwavering support. bc he didnt before and that was what he needed to succeed.

#ask #anonymous #odn asks

[onlyjaeyun]

You’re asks always give me the same vibes as euphoria or riverdale, how after every episode everyone is analyzing and theorizing. It’s so fun and makes the reading experience even better 😭 I love knowing everyone is going as crazy as me . Also I LOVED THE CHAPTER LIKE HELLO???? I was wondering how you were going to build up to the smut but like that was so so so perfect. The little hints here and there of them slowly starting to recognize their sexual tension and how sunghoon went into it. I was a *little* worried about the dubcon warning but I ended up being fine bc of how many times she was like “just fuck me already”. I also really enjoyed the aftermath with her in the shower, seems insignificant but I liked how you add how hard she was scrubbing her skin in the shower, idk it just felt like it showed more of how she felt then her just speaking if that make sense. Again Amazing amazing chapter, you’ve once again blew me away

AAAAH STOP YOURE SO CUTE 🥺🥺🥺🤍 i'm so glad you guys are having as much fun as i am reading and replying to asks, it feels like an after-episode talk just like you said 😩😩

and thank you so, so much for your feedback on chapter nine!🥺 i wasnt gonna add the dubcon warning BUT i didnt want to risk triggering anyone because she does tell him to let go of her at one point and i felt like the consent wasn't as obvious enough so i thought better safe than sorry! im glad you still enjoyed it so much and thank you for your sweet words 🥺🤍

#; mailbox 📬 #; cold hearts

[histriothing]

um hi. ik there're a good handful of posts here tht are js ppl asking for help with symptoms they experience and whether it lines up w schizophrenia. weve been trying to figure out whether we have it or not lately. which ik strangers online cant exactly know for sure but i at least want to know whether we r on the right track.

we know for sure we experience psychosis (delusions, namely) and negative symptoms, esp avolition and asociality. others in the system thought we had szpd since they dont think we have [constant/intense] enough psychosis.

i dont rmember when we started experiencing psychosis. teen years i think. weve always been a bit paranoid. trauma didnt help w that lol. anyway. around a year n a half ago our delusions started to get a lot more noticeable and wed have to actively try to double book keep. talked to our psych about some of them and he gave us antipsychotics. we never took them. since we felt we could cope without them fine at the moment and we just didnt want to deal w potential side effects. we alr take so many pills it jst didnt seem worth it. we still have them in case it ever gets to a point where we think well need them tho.

where was i. u,m. right. we just dont know because we dont seem to have episodes the way ppl seem to describe them. we kind of have delusions that never rlly go away n just vary in intensity/noticeability at times. i lost it again. right. sometimes well have delusions that will pop in and never pop back up. or that go away and come back. most of the 'permanent' delusions tend to be identity/species based ones. i also get a lot in connection to parasites. i think i hallucinate more than the others too. at least. i have lots of times where it feels like bugs are crawling on/under/into my skin. ill also hear things. never anything big. if its voices then theyre never distinguishable. these hallucinations kinda come and go. i think. i dont remember. its hard to remember. i think thats all i can say for hallucinations. its difficult. to gauge. i dont know how im supposed to figure it out. i guess i could just talk to a medical professional. i stopped going to therapy early this year bcz it just felt like it wasnt helping. and i havent seen a psychiatrist since late last year. anyway.

i mentioned we have negative symptoms. theyre difficult to deal with. weve also been told we have flat affect. but idk how much that matters to mention here since our other disorders can cause relatively flat affect too. i dont remember the other negative symptoms. i know theres ones i didnt mention. but yea. i dont know if we have disorganized thinking. i dont think its common for us to experience it. but i know we do at times. i think one we tend to do is thought blocking. dont know about the others.

but if anyone has any, advice? i dont know if advice is the right word here. just. if anyone out there is able to lmk if these sound like they might be schizophrenia id appreciate it. or if we might just be psychotic in some other form. ik no one here can diagnose me. id just like some help. im just unsure whether we would have it bcz our symptoms seem really mild compared to what ive seen everyone say in these tags and such. thanks

#schizophrenia #schizo spectrum #schizospec #psychosis #schizoaffective #actually schizophrenic #actually schizospec #actually schizoaffective

[spacedlexi]

have you watched tlou? thoughts?

ive made a few posts about it if u search tlou on my blog but i never made a final thoughts or anything

this kinda turned into a final thoughts ramble (essay) so under the cut it goes

honestly it kinda peaked for me at ep 3 (which was a REALLY good ep so the bar was high and i was mostly enjoying the changes up through that point),, i still liked it but i feel like some of the changes they made altered the impact of the og ellie/joel relationship. theyre dedicated to rewriting ellie to have some "violence" problem to attempt to set her up better for part 2 but i just hate that they actively have chosen to do this to her character. they took a lot of her sweetness away which is a huge shame to me. theyre so weird about ellie honestly i dont like the way they talk about her half the time these days i had to stop watching the bts because the way they kept talking about "violence" made me ill sick even. like you can still have your character have a "descent into madness" type plot after experiencing an extremely traumatic event (after a lifetime of traumatic experiences) without being weird about how "violent" people are. they love to throw that word around but they dont like to investigate Why exactly people are being violent and to Who. its typically just violence and/or revenge=bad 😐 (<-and that i think kinda leads into other problems i have with the plots they write in general)

i had less problems with joel. my only real problem was that they really played up the old thing a little much like save it for part 2 lol also not enough accent i didnt hear a single "elleh". i wasnt a fan of how they decided to change joel and tommys convo about ellie, and while i can appreciate it more now knowing that they still committed to portraying joels actions in the final episode as the selfish acts they are, and seeing joel have fears of failure makes sense because im sure he feels he failed as a parent, im still not a fan of how maria doesnt get to chew him out for his selfishness (important character moment of reflection on selfish behavior and consequences of actions on people around him), and how it changes the atmosphere of his and ellies argument when half of the reason he doesnt want to take her is because he feels too old and slow to protect her. and Then when he Does decide to take her its like? werent you crying last night about being slow and deaf and the impact that has on your combat ability? did that change? i understand why they added the lines they added but i dont feel like it made sense with how they continued to play out the episode with line for line scenes from the game...like these are two different things now. similar, but different enough to introduce problems where there didnt used to be. and then hes stabbed and dying 10 mins later

the pacing in general was a little iffy to me. it was only 9 episodes and 2 of them are separate from the main plot. that, plus rewriting existing characters/plots, plus not being able to fit in the more softer personal moments between joel and ellie that would just happen throughout a map(i know its hard to make watching 2 people walk cross country interesting but we needed more of those moments), plus ellie being preemptively hardened so we see less of her soft side slowly cracking through joels tough shell really impacted the believability of their relationship for me. we're supposed to see ellie become more hardened over the game but honestly in the show she always feels at the same level to me :/ those soft moments Are still there but i wouldve liked to have seen more of them. especially felt the loss of the scene where ellie sees real fireflies for the first time

the reason why i love the original last of us so much is because i think it is an INCREDIBLE character piece. every single character plays a very important role in shaping the development of the main two protagonists relationship (the two of which are Also impacting each other) over the course of the story. while i loved bill and franks ep, i wish they would have introduced a new character to fill the role that og bill left. because og bill was very important for joel. he was like a ghost of christmas future showing the man he could become if he continued to push people away. and throughout bills segment joel frequently pushes back against his ideas and this usually lent to a little bonding moment between him and ellie. but this also showed us that joel was open to new connections. whether he would get over his fear of that or not to be solved at a later date (ie: the tommy incident that was altered for the show and my problem with it because joels choice to take ellie after their argument is EVERYTHING and the show muddied it a bit). but by the time they leave bill, joel and ellie have begun building a true connection

sam and henry also suffered from this imo. by writing in all the kathleen stuff, it takes the focus away from how sam and henrys familial relationship is the foundation from which joel and ellies closer familial bond is allowed to grow (which also becomes a source of division when ellie wants to talk about what happened to them but joel wants to move on, which leads into their conflict during tommys section which boils down to more "talk about it vs move on"). i also feel like the story is weaker for choosing not to include the story of kyle and ish. because although it happens mainly through notes, its a story about letting yourself learn to trust new people and the things you can do with a strong community, its a story about how even though good things may come to an end, the time we had together was important and meaningful and WORTH IT and i wouldnt have done it any other way. id much rather focus more in on that as a theme (compounds with the riley/left behind segment/plus joels final act of selfishness) than whatever tf was going on with kathleen and her revenge plot. plus i thought the first game was all about "love" so why not go harder into these "light in the darkness" themes? kathleens plot is just a watered down part 2 anyway i still dont think we needed that :/

all my grievances aside however they Did stick the landing and i was so relieved plus i enjoyed the added anna segment. as someone whos played tlou like at least 10 times over the last decade plus watched others play, it was going to be impossible for me to not constantly be comparing the two. to be fair i think one of the strongest points of the show was how they really nailed how it felt to actually BE the player in these scenes that i had already played a hundred times myself. im sure this show was great for someone whos never played the game since a lot of my problems come from how they decided to do certain things for the show. i hope the people who enjoyed the show but havent experienced the game go watch a clip comp or something because i definitely believe the og game is still the best way to experience this story. video games also deserve more respect as an art form but thats a whooooole other conversation

i wish my opinion was stronger than 'it was fine overall with a couple solid episodes' but welp....definitely couldve been worse tho so im glad its at least as good as it is. it is good!! but the game is very near and dear to me so...i am biased but i tried to at least give it as fair a shake as possible. i think it started pretty strong. peaked with bill and frank. then dipped a little lower than the first ep. then picked back up to first eps strength again for the final stretch. the bill and frank and left behind eps were my favorite parts of the season. its a bit of a shame that the 2 eps that are most removed from the plot are the strongest to me, but also i guess it makes sense

#replies with lexi #incognito #half of this is me gushing about why i love the game so much but it gets at where my problems with the show come from #after u get past my ellie grumblings #tlou critical #but also pos :) #i really did a deep dive hoo boy #time to post this at an unreasonable hour #time to stop agonizing over Opinions and go to sleep

[protagonistheavy]

Owl House season three, really good. It just came out so I dont want to get into heavy spoilers just yet, and honestly I dont think I have anything too big to say that would be a spoiler.

I will say this special is very touching in a few different ways. The whole experience felt very melancholy, not just the show itself, but knowing its production woes -- that they had to cut down on so many ideas, reduce their whole production and plot to just a meager few specials to finish up telling such a great story and building up an amazing world. This resonates most obviously in the introduction montage sequence, where you can so plainly assume that all these moments couldve been their own fleshed-out episode, and you can then sense it elsewhere where moments feel hurried or like they couldve been greatly expanded upon.

But yeah the content itself, oof, a lot of sadness! I love how Owl House addresses trauma and emotion in such a relatable way, that actually speaks to realities kids face. You know I think a lot about how Steven Universe became infamous for how traumatized its portrayal of Steven became, but I wasnt fond of that result, where it felt like the trauma was really hard to sympathize with -- Steven being the child/reincarnation of a mystical warlord is just, hard to connect with lol. But the experiences Luz and the others go through is portrayed very close to the experiences kids actually go through, at least in ways I could very much relate to, so the connection is a lot stronger. I also love, so much, that they took the time to characterize and explain Camila. So many kids shows that want to have depressed/mentally ill children just sort of gloss over the involvement of parents, either quietly suggesting the parents just aren't responsible or, contrarily, that they're COMPLETELY responsible. But Camila was shown to have so much real depth that an adult could sympathize with; an adult making decisions as best as she can, recovering from her own traumas, having inarguably good intentions for the choices she made. This one special doesnt have too much time to afford Camila in this regard but is very effective with the time it does have; Im left wondering a lot what a Camila-centered episode couldve looked like, possibly diving into her past more graphically to see her upbringing. That said, part of it also feels like a last-second shot at the writers to make Camila more "forgivable," which feels like a necessity since the show took such a more serious tone shift between the first episode and now lol.

There's so much to speculate on but I'll admit that Im not very invested in trying to guess too much at what will happen lol. Owl House is very magical in that almost anything can happen, and the writing can bend enough to sort of surprise us with anything -- I dont think we're going to get any super moments that were incredibly foreshadowed ages ago that weren't totally obvious from the beginning or something. That said Im so excited for the next part, especially having gone so long without Eda and the others; I am fond of the kids group and their dynamic, but wow Eda is such a strong personality to be missing, same with King. Cant wait to see them and what's been going on in their side of the adventure.

[qnewslgbtiqa]

Mean Ellen DeGeneres: the 'be kind' girl wasn't kind

New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/mean-ellen-degeneres-the-be-kind-girl-wasnt-kind/

Mean Ellen DeGeneres: the 'be kind' girl wasn't kind

Ellen DeGeneres premiered a new stand-up routine in West Hollywood on Wednesday including some business about how mean she is.

The former Ellen DeGeneres Show host told the audience she was “kicked out of show businesses” not once but twice.

“There’s no mean people in show business. The ‘be kind’ girl wasn’t kind.

“I became this one-dimensional character who gave stuff away and danced up steps. Do you know how hard it is to dance up steps? Would a mean person dance up steps? Had I ended my show by saying, ‘Go f*ck yourself,’ people would’ve been pleasantly surprised.”

Ellen DeGeneres reminded the audience that 2020 was not her first experience of being booted from TV

In the late 90s, she came out as gay a year before the cancellation of her sitcom Ellen. Opinion differs on whether her coming out led to the cancellation – or perhaps, the more serious tome adopted by the show after she came out.

But no argument which corner Elen is in.

“Eventually, they’re going to kick me out for a third time because I’m mean, old, and gay.”

Degeneres experienced her second fall from grace in 2020 when employees accused her of leading a toxic workplace.

She referred briefly to that episode on Wednesday.

“I’m giving stuff away … and I danced, then I was mean, and they didn’t like me again.”

Had enough yet?

The Ellen Degeneres show finally announces end date.

Former employees respond to Ellen DeGeneres ending her talk show.

Ellen DeGeneres gives on-air apology addressing allegations.

‘I’m so sorry’: Ellen DeGeneres apologises to staff.

For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

#ellen degeneres

[narelleart]

I keep half typing up these posts about my episodic illness, but then they get too long when I still have so much to say so I give up.

It's been...perhaps a bigger problem than ever before, in my whole life, during this semester. I've been having a really hard time.

I should probably look into better resources to advocate for myself.

#i want to explain to people that dont go through this what its like #the levels of struggle that come from people not believig me #how much harder i have to work to make up for lost time #how working harder and not giving myself as many days as i should have to recover only set unrealistic expectations in people around me #so they believe me less #and this isnt even addressing the physical pain and absolutely miserable existence i go through during episodes #this is just the fallout #as if it wasnt hard enough to experience the episodes #picking up the pieces of life afterwards is the worst part

[fanficsandfluff]

That Damned Laugh

To the anon who informed me of Rainbow Rowell's RACISM, i am writing this for my love of the characters, not the author's writing skill or fame. fuck her. i am still very much aware of what she wrote about and how she portrayed a character, but i cannot stop this inspiration when it comes to me. (wait to be clear to everyone reading this who hadn't seen the anons and my discussion, carry on wasnt the accused racist book. that was something else.)

If you, anon, end up seeing this and maybe don't like what I'm doing or whatnot, I'd love to hear from you again.

For those of you who maybe do practice Death of the Author, I hope you enjoy!

Fandom: Carry On

Characters: Simon Snow, Baz Pitch

Words: 1,905

~~~~~

BAZ

Simon Snow does not laugh, full stop.

(Well, to be fair I'm not a cackler much myself, but I do at least guffaw from time to time.)

Snow spent so much of his youth being weighed down by the 'Chosen One' moniker and being tormented by yours truly. Still, I know of that little list he kept of things he liked about Watford and all its experiences and people. It seemed he did take joy in most of it all. After all, I'm sure he had fun at Bunce's house on many an occasion.

But just being around him and in this way for a while now, you start to notice. He's seen me laugh. A few times, in fact. And hard. I'm not very proud of it; what that man can do to me and make me do. He doesn't like when I cover my hand over my smile. It's habit, though, I've reminded him countless times. The fangs and all. We're working on it.

But Simon may just smile or huff. I've giggled with him on our particularly soft nights or togethertimes.

All this to say... I've found a new hobby/goal/obsession recently.

Make Simon Snow laugh.

My cheekiness all these years has kept my humor to cruel, lowbrow tones. Maybe it makes me less funny, I don't know. But once or twice I'd nail a comeback or snarky one-liner (of course with a bit of flirt thrown in) and Snow will giggle and shake his head. But that's all I've achieved! A small, pandering, boring -- though still admirably adorable -- (Damn that Snow) giggle.

I've moved on to physical humor. I tried throwing myself dramatically over him when he's in bed, but he just seems to think it's all part of my Pitch flair.

Today I made a minor breakthrough.

I was in the kitchen trying to mix myself a smoothie. Bunce has been gushing about a smoothie craze for weeks now, so I finally figured why not. The damn lid wasn't on tight enough. Not-yet-smooth smoothie shot everywhere. There was a pause as it happened, my one hand on the Liquify button, my other resting nonchalantly atop the lid that didn't do any lidding, dammit.

Snow looked up at me from his seat by the kitchen counter, eyes drawn from his phone. A beat. He barked out a laugh. A much louder one than I think I'd ever heard him make.

"Put a sock in it, Snow," I growled, to keep with my facade, though inside I was jittery with glee. I wanted to hear more.

Snow convinced me to binge a new show. Crime Minds. Something like that. No, criminal. It's Criminal Minds.

You wouldn't expect this to be a series fit enough for a cuddle, but Snow and I are an unexpected couple. So it works.

A few dumb jokes are littered throughout the show, in between corpses and the same police station set being reorganized and shot from different angles every episode. One such joke was so inconspicuous and so nothing that I cannot even recall it now. But both Snow and I chuckled at it. Then Snow made an additional comment to it, making me laugh. And soon we were both giggling together like schoolboys, like we had early on when we were maybe still a bit bashful with each other.

He shoved his face into my ribs and snorted when I whispered the new inside joke much later on in the episode. I was also grinning like a madman, but the soft tickle his action gave me didn't exactly---

Oh.

In bed. Perfect. Lovers fool around all the time in bed. Not fool around as in sex--well, no, of course sex, but I mean they also play around-- never mind.

SIMON

Baz has been acting off lately. I can't quite put my finger on what it is. He seems distracted. More like how I act. I'm always thinking of something else, not able to stay focused on one thing for long. He's like that, but trying to act like he isn't.

We're doing something odd today. We're in bed at sunset. It's hardly sunset, as a matter of fact. The sun isn't seeping orange and red into the flat yet. Penelope took us out on a hike today. It tuckered the both of us out. Baz drained a buck when we got home.

I'm laying perpendicular to Baz (or is it parallel? composite? I could never remember mathematics), my legs resting over his stomach. He's reading and I'm playing a puzzle app on my phone.

BAZ

Now's the time, Baz. Just do it, don't think.

His socked feet are right in front of me. There's only been a handful of times we've sat in this position, half of them being my lower half resting on Simon's sturdier upper half. It's now or never.

I stare at his feet for too long, zoning out and forgetting that I was left staring at them, so it definitely looked like I have a fetish for feet. Which I don't. Focus, Basilton.

I take a finger-- no, two fingers. I scratch quickly at his heel. His leg jerks, foot being pulled back.

"What?" he asks me, as if I hadn't been plotting this for weeks. As if I just did it to get his attention.

"Something on the bottom of your sock, love."

Simon went right back to his head hanging upside down off the side of the bed, phone held out in front of his eyes.

Well, that proved one thing. He's ticklish.

He places his ankles right back where they originally were, crossed, atop my stomach. I try again, this time on his arch. I apply more pressure.

"Bahaz!" Simon shakes his foot out, "Is that how you start a foot massage?"

"Would you like a foot massage?"

"No. Not if it's going to tickle like that."

My cheeks heat up. Damn that buck. I'm rosier than I usually am.

"You're ticklish?" I ask, coolly. I barely stuttered.

"I wouldn't try it," he's back to looking at his phone again, "Penny did once and I nearly broke her elbow or something. She wouldn't stop talking about it for days."

"So you're very ticklish, then."

"Don't," this is the first time Snow seems to tense up.

There's a moment of quiet between us. A tense quiet. I lunge for his ankles and he shoots up into a sitting position. I scratch at his arch with four fingers now and he screams.

"Baz!" Simon whines a bit and he somehow yanks his legs free, not without losing one of his socks in my grip.

SIMON

He's grinning at me. No. Sneering.

I still hate when he does that. Reminds me of back when I wanted to throttle him. Sometimes I still do.

"Baz," I warn. His whole posture changes into a predator's, like he's the lion and I'm his fresh zebra. The new stance sends a shiver down my spine, with his shoulders hunched and all, ready to pounce.

"Baz... Baz, Baz, Baz..." I say over and over again because he's smiling at me, and then I start to smile, too, "Bahaz!" I try once more, but his name is all that's coming out, and now I'm giggling. I'm nervous. He did this to me.

BAZ

He's already giggling and I haven't even laid a hand on him.

"Yes, Snow?" I respond to his many calls of my name before I lurch forward, sending my whole body crashing on top of his and trying to pin him. I dig my fingers into his sides and don't stop for as long as I can maintain contact through his squirming.

"Gehehet off!" he's already crumbling, words being broken up with short laughs.

I slide my fingertips to his stomach and scratch there; Snow bucks. It gets even better when my cold fingers make contact with his warm skin beneath the shirt he's wearing. He yelps like I've never heard him yelp (like he's burnt his finger, but he's also 11-years-old again), and he dissolves into loud, beautiful laughter.

"St-Stohohop! Baz! I'm going to end you!"

"Isn't that how we always said it would end? Snuffing each other out? I'm perfectly happy that it's now going to end in my favor. You should've told me you were this easy to defeat earlier on, Snow."

"Shut up!" he cackles, legs kicking wildly behind me, as my body is thrown over his torso. Now I have both my hands buried into his sides, squeezing and squeezing. I get curious, my cheeks still burning with blood, and I lean down to his neck and... (no, I don't bite) I start nibbling. Snow loses it.

His whole face scrunches up, as I watch when I pull my head back. His smile is huge and bright. And the laughs bubble up from his stomach, releasing softer into the air like he sucked a little of the joy from it before releasing to keep for himself.

"Dohon't do that!"

"I thought you love my kisses."

"Not tha-HAAT!"

He shrieks again, hands too slow to stop my face from moving in. I nibble and even lick a few times, careful not to touch him with my fangs.

Did I mention that my hands are still tickling at his sides and ribs while I'm nibbling? Oh yes, I've waited so long for this sound. I wasn't going to make it come out lightly.

I blow a raspberry and that's when Snow's laughter catches and turns all hiccuppy. The noises are infecting me, starting to make me giggle. I shift, and my face now descends towards his stomach, which is bared after I rucked the shirt up.

SIMON

"TYRANNUS BASILTON G-GRIMM FUCKING PITCH-- OR WHATEVER YOUR LONG STUPID ARSEHOLE NAME IS--"

He's laughing at me. I keep laughing even without him tickling me.

"I swehehear I'm going to fucking kill you and your whole family if you do that dohown thehere--" I'm hiccuping. Crowley, how embarrassing.

BAZ

He's got me. I can hardly breathe from laughter. I keel over into him or he into me, but soon we're a laughing pile together on top of the mussed up sheets on the bed.

I make a loud snort and that reels us both back in again, laughing til we're red in the face and til my cheeks hurt.

Simon is giggling away, taking deep breaths to try and calm himself, but he just keeps on giggling. I'm able to sit up a little more and Snow's head is in my lap. He's beaming and looking up at me through squinted, teary eyes.

"That was fun," I say, and I don't think it's the brightest or smartest thing to say. But I say it.

"I love you," Snow's smile is still wide, like he's drunk from it. There's a moment where I feel like I've died again, color drained from me.

It doesn't seem to bother him, that he's said that. For the first time. I run my fingers through his reddish curls once, letting them tangle in the locks towards the back of his head. I hunch myself down so I can kiss him.

"I've wanted to hear that for so long," I whisper.

"That I love you? You haven't figured it out by now?"

"No, you idiot," I say with nothing but fondness, brushing my nose along Simon's jaw, "Your laugh."

#carry on #carry on: the rise and fall of simon snow #simon snow #baz pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #snowbaz #simon/baz #simon and baz #fanfiction #carry on fanfiction #carry on fanfic #fanfic #ticklish!simon #ticklish!simonsnow #lee!simon #ler!baz

[thisdreamplace]

i feel like i havent properly updated in a while so here we go :))))

so lately, ive really been practicing knowing how i cannot mess this up. also sitting with my fears and doubts as they arise and choosing a new story. im practicing full surrender and acceptance of the 3d. and knowing how i must change myself and leave the outer world alone. practicing self validation, over the subtle need for 3d validation. i want to say this podcast episode has really been so helpful for me in navigating this.

about a week ago i felt such deep confidence and knowing within myself. like i felt confident in who i really am, and i just KNEW my desires want me too. i even started to openly talk about my desires with others, because for the first time ever i felt like it was just a fact. i didnt feel like i was reaching for the moon, i felt like the moon was reaching for me. (any audrey fans reading this ?? hehe) i felt so confident i was able to look my 3d mirrors in the face and say, yep. its mine ! i didnt care if i was looked at crazy or not, because i truly felt so confident and secure. it was the most wonderful experience.

shortly after that though, all hell broke lose. a major purge began. at first, i felt so blind sided. it took a couple days for me to make the correlations. everything that was coming up, was the opposite of that confidence and knowing i felt. in a way, it became almost funny ! like this is literally a purge of the old story. i mean, it didnt take the pain away but it was a small amount of relief to realize, i really just have to persist through this moment. i had my fair share of breakdowns, for sure. i even cried so hard one night, wishing i never learned about the law. i felt so suffocated.

what i kept doing, and keep doing, is deciding i can choose where i want to go in any given moment. yall, this is the most difficult thing i have ever done. im not going to lie to you. i am used to giving myself the space to feel victimized completely, knowing how what im experiencing ultimately means nothing, then persisting when im ready. this is my first time that i am, more often than not, looking these doubts/fears/unwanted circumstances in the face and saying, “i accept you. i know you mean nothing. i know its okay that this is so painful right now. i know my desires are already mine.” this is my first time truly practicing acceptance of the 3d and responsibility, then turning inward, knowing how consciousness is the only true reality. practicing letting go of that want for control over the 3d. not allowing my mind to get caught up in “what am i doing wrong ?” and choosing to know i am doing everything right, and these moments are proof of that. like,, i would be lying if i said it wasnt fucking uncomfortable ? but i will say, ive reached the space where i know how this is the work that must be done. i have nothing to lose. and everything to gain. and i GET that. like i KNOW it. omg ive been going thru it emotionally, the circumstances have been beating my ass fr, and yet i KNOW everything is just getting better for me. its like on a level, i dont even want to wallow in self pity ? like as tough as this is, i know that theres so much beauty and love thats coming out of this rough ass patch. like wow. through all of this, i am choosing faith.

to wrap this up i wanna say that more than anything, i want to live freely. (shout out to i am love for emphasizing how its okay to be human!!!!) i dont want to be a picture perfect person. i want to be me, happy, cry baby, joyful, bratty, romantic, playful, allllll that. and i want to live my dream life being true to me. i dont want to give up the things that make me, me. not saying that i want to be miserable, not at all. but im saying this in the way that i fully acknowledge and am accepting how im here to have a human experience. and i dont want any part of me, sweet or sour, to dictate whether or not my desires are mine. they just are mine. existing is reason enough. im allowed to have it all and be human. so, here i am being honest with you guys about everything. im not scared of my past or the circumstances, because i know they have no power in the face of who i truly am: God of my reality, unconditional + eternal love.

💖🌈💫🌺

#journey

[heyitsyn]

Oh God

TimeTraveler!Son x Haikyuu!! Part 2

a/n: hehe i wouldnt put ‘x haikyuu’ if manager y/n ends up with that certain character. youll just have to,,,, wait for the end 😏

he didnt want to lie but he had to so he could survive

hinata offered his hand to help him up and natsu winced at the scratches and the slight headache as he stood on his two feet

‘you okay?’

hinata asked and natsu nodded

‘yea, just a headache’

natsu tried to play it off as cooly as he could bc this must’ve been from the car hit before and he couldnt just say he got ran over by a damn car

‘where do you live? i can go and treat your wounds there’

natsu was about to respond but he remembers hes not in tokyo anymore and he cant just spout out his address

so he did the thing his mom told him to do whenever it was necessary

he lied

‘i-um,,,’

he fumbled for an excuse but he sighed to maintain the act

‘i got kicked out’

he mumbled and hinata had to make him repeat it twice because he said it so quietly

the tangerine boy gasped and held his arms

‘what?! why?!’

natsu sniffled

‘my dad,,,, he just,,, doesnt want me’

well, that was actually true

so a true statement could equal that lie, right?

thankfully, hinata bought it and he grabbed his arm to walk forward while his other was pushing his bike

‘i hit you with my bike so the least i could do is take you to my house and treat you!’

and that was what they did

natsu’s phone was dead even though he was sure he charged it from denki’s powerbank during practice but it remained its black screen no matter how many times he hit the power button

his surroundings was also something unfamiliar

his mother only kept him in tokyo and never took him to go visit her family because she was kicked out and had to go live with her auntie when she found out about him and his father refused to help her

‘so, sendai, huh?’

he mumbled and hinata looked at him confused

‘sounds like youre not from around here. where you from?’

‘t-tokyo’

he replied and saw hinata’s eyes brighten

‘oh?! you look like youre my age so you must have been in a high school in tokyo, right? what school?’

‘yuuei’

‘hah?! yuuei?! what is that?!’

natsu rolled his eyes and shrugged

‘a school’

hinata persisted though

‘do you know other schools?! any other school friends?! like nekoma?! or fukurodani?!’

natsu shook his head and he was supposed to be happy that he got to meet, even talk, to his idol yet his younger self was much more hyper than his mellowed out behavior on tv

‘i stick to my friends from yuuei’

‘but what are you doing all the way here?’

natsu’s throat dried up and he watched his feet kick the pebbles to distract him of his urge to just whine and throw a tantrum with the confusion from this mess

‘i dont know’

he choked out and he was so tired and confused and all he wants to do is cry in his mother’s arms like he used to but she doesnt even know he exists

hinata sensed the tension and sadness from the boy beside him and tried his best to stay quiet until they get home

to say his mom was angry was an understatement

‘SHOYO, DONT YOU KNOW TO WATCH WHERE YOURE GOING?!’

‘kaa-san i was so angry and bakageyama was yelling at me and hit me and-’

‘THAT DOESNT GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE TO RUN SOMEONE OVER!’

natsu sat there on their couch awkwardly watching the black-haired woman yell at the human tangerine

he coughed in impulse and she turned away from her son and went to sit next to the h/c boy

‘dear, im so sorry for my son and his terrible biking. i didnt catch your name when you entered, what is it?’

even hinata forgot to ask his name but thats such a hinata thing to do though

natsu froze

if he was to say his mother’s last name, it would raise suspicion that he might know her in this time period and izuku has shown him enough doctor who to show him what happens when he messes up in time

again, he lied

‘kiri,,,shima,,, natsu. kirishima natsu’

he inwardly apologized to eijirou for using his last name

mrs. hinata raised a hand to her mouth with a surprised gasp

‘oh! my daughter’s name is also natsu! natsu, dear! can you come here for a second?’

natsu heard soft sounds from the stairs and she shyly walked down 

‘come say hi’

she softly urged her daughter to come closer and the little girl ran to hide behind her older brother who gently smiled and held her hand

‘well, thats her. she just turned 10 a few days ago. look dear, kirishima-kun has the same name as you!’

she waved slightly and natsu felt his heart swell at the sight of the adorable little girl

his mother never really had time for relationships so he was an only child and never got to experience a sibling, only hearing the experience of having siblings from his friend, shouto

mrs. hinata placed a gentle hand on his arm to revert his attention back to her

‘shoyo told me what happened and im sorry that this is all happening to you’

he felt guilty at the sight of her sad eyes because this was all a lie but he knew if he told them the real reason, they wouldnt believe him

so he had to continue with the lie

‘everything was falling apart and i wanted to leave everything behind. so i just took the shinkansen to nowhere and ended up here’

mrs. hinata felt her heart tug because he was just a little boy and he was too young to experience this so she offered him something he shouldnt have agreed to but again, survival

‘you can stay with us in the mean time. our guest room has been collecting dust so you can live here’

‘what? no! i can’t!’

natsu instinctually turned it down because he hated people giving him charity

but the woman squeezed his arm to give him a smile

‘i will not allow a child to live in the streets because of something he couldnt help’

‘arent you worried youre inviting a total stranger in your home?’

but she gave him a knowing smile

‘im a mother. i can trust you, boy’

in exchange for board and food, he promised to get a part time job so he could pay her back and get out of their house as quickly as he could

shoyo led him to the bathroom upstairs so he could treat the wounds from the ground

natsu sat on the closed toilet seat while his literal idol was putting cream on his boo-boos

he still cant wrap his head with everything

maybe it was because he was so busy trying to come up with lies that he wasnt able to fully sit down and think about the fact that he just TRAVELED BACK IN TIME and could accidentally change it

‘shoyo, what year is it?’

he mumbled

‘2012′

he answered and natsu sighed but his head perked up

oh god

2012

thats a year away from 2013

the year he was born

that meant shoyo’s team manager was going to give birth to him next year

‘why? did you hit your head so far that you forgot?’

hinata joked but he paled when natsu didnt laugh

‘OH GOD DID YOU?!’

‘NO! AND STOP YELLING!’

natsu shouted, equally surprised

‘whew, thank god. again, im so sorry i hit you’

‘shoyo, dont worry about it, okay? im fine, i swear’

during dinner, mrs. hinata told him about his school situation

‘you can go to karasuno with shoyo. what year were you in?’

‘first’

‘perfect! shoyo is too so he could easily help you around the school!’

natsu nodded quietly, still out of it and his brain finally starting to accept this impossible reality

‘but i dont think i could help you with the entrance exams. im not the most-um-smartest, per se’

shoyo apologized but natsu already knew that

he was no extreme fanatic but he knew quite a lot about hinata shoyo, the player he watched during the 2021 olympics and the reason he started playing volleyball

natsu dreamed to join the msby jackals just like his idol did and eventually reach the national team like hinata did

it was during the olympics of 2021, he knew he wanted to be like him

this boy who sat next to him was the reason he came to love volleyball along with his other idol, oikawa tooru, from the argentina volleyball team after seeing that legendary match 

when oikawa hit that service ace, natsu wanted to be able to receive that

he was merely 8 and his neighbor, midoriya inko, was babysitting him and she placed him and her son who was his friend, izuku, in front of the tv where they watched the olympics match

‘someday, ill be someone great. ill be great like him’

he promised and from then on, he worked to achieve that goal 

‘natsu? hello?’

he was shaken from his thoughts as shoyo nudged him back to reality

mrs. hinata laughed

‘maybe you should head to bed early, dear. you must be tired after having a hard journey’

he nodded and was about to go and wash his dishes when she stopped him

‘no. go and sleep, ill take care of this’

‘i have to do my part in here, hinata-san. please, let me do this’

she finally agreed and he was scrubbing the plates when his mind wandered over to possible solutions on how he could go back

there was an episode that he watched with izuku that the character had to do something to go back

and he had a feeling that he would have to do the same thing

but what would that something be?

there had to be a reason he was thrown all the way in this time and it couldnt just be a coincidence that supposedly, this would be around the same time his mother would get pregnant

but who would it be?

he finished putting the plates on the drying rack and he felt really thirsty suddenly

opening the fridge, he found no water bottles and natsu had a very sensitive stomach so he couldnt drink tap water

his next favorite beverage was there and he pulled a glass from the cabinet

‘hinata-san, is it okay if i can have some milk?’

he called out and she shouted that it was okay

natsu poured the drink on his glass and started drinking it when hinata entered the kitchen and snickered at him

‘yknow, you remind me of my idiot teammate. none of my other friends drink straight milk except for him’

natsu placed the glass down and wiped his lips

‘chocolate milk make me sick and i hate the taste of flavoring in milk. but i just hate flavoring in general. except for gari gari popsicles, those are good’

natsu reasoned, watching hinata move across the room to get an apple

‘still ew. but come on! lets go to bed so i can show you around school early before practice tomorrow!’

natsu noticed his excitement by the way he bounced in place and he chuckled

it reminded him of his friends mina and denki

hinata led them both to his room so he could check his wounds again just to make sure

then something caught his eye

‘kirishima-kun you like volleyball?!’

that threw him off

partly because he wasnt used to being called by his friend’s last name

but also because of the question

‘huh? how do you know that?’

natsu asked, almost defensively

hinata shrugged

‘i saw your volleyball shoes in your bag’

hinata reasoned and excitedly pointed at them

‘you should play for us! im part of the team too! oh oh! what position do you play?!’

‘l-libero’

natsu stuttered out, slightly overwhelmed by hinata’s energy

hinata started circling him, inspecting his height and looking at him up and down

‘yanno, kirishima-kun, youre really tall. like much taller than the rest of my club. maybe not saltyshima but really!! youre so tall!!’

hinata whined in envy and natsu laughed

‘blame it on the paternal side of the family. my ma isnt really tall’

he laughs but then memories of his mother resurfaced and he suddenly felt gloomy, guilty, even, bc he doesnt know if time stopped there or it kept going and if so, shes probably worried sick

and he knew she was always one who blamed herself

hinata noticed his downcast expression and thought he probably remembers his dad and got sad since he got kicked out

so our baby sunshine freaked out and he frantically waved his hands around

‘oh no! gomen kiri-kun! gomen! i really didnt mean to make you think about him! gomen!!!’

he even bowed which surprised the h/c boy and made him stand back up

‘o-oi shoyo! dont! you didnt because i wasnt thinking about him!’

he fussed and patted hinata’s hair

‘i dont care about him. to be honest, there isnt much to think about’

he didnt think about what he said until he heard himself

natsu’s eyes widened, fearful of how hinata could take it but he flinched when the orange-haired boy’s eyes were filled with his own tears

‘OH NO!! KIRI-KUN!!!’

then launched another series of apologies and natsu had to calm him down

oh dear

it was early in the morning like 5 when hinata bursted into natsu’s room

the loud shout of shoyo made his eyes blink open and he groaned before turning to the side

‘come on, kiri-kun! we need to go to take your exam!’

‘nooooooooo’

‘yeeessssssss’

it was quite a battle for hinata to even just get natsu out of bed but he managed to bribe the latter with some milk bread from the bakery down the street

‘2′

natsu showed his two fingers and hinata sighed before nodding

‘yes. now go hurry so we can leave!’

dressed in his grey sweatpants and a yuuei sweatshirt, natsu cursed as he only has clothes good for 2 days and he didnt want to bother the hinatas so he was at a loss

mrs hinata bid the two boys good bye and natsu was yawning and dragging his body to walk while hinata was skipping over to his bike

then he finally realized the problem

he nervously looked at natsu and the taller boy didnt understand why he was looking at him that way

‘what?’

shoyo pointed at the bike and awkwardly smiled

‘uh,,, you see,,, i dont think youd,,, fit,,, at the back seat’

natsu shrugged

‘then ill bike. ive done it before’

he sauntered over to the bike and swiftly lifted his leg before testing out the brake handles

‘its good and better than mine back home’

‘a-are you-’

‘sit down, sho’

hinata gripped on to the back of natsu’s sweatshirt as he told him the directions to how to get to the school

natsu remembered watching an interview of hinata talking about his high-school life and he remembered the star player talking about his dedication to go to karasuno everyday for volleyball

and the boy couldn’t believe hes doing that right now, with his idol literally behind him, and driving to the legendary karasuno high school

from the jackals to the adlers and even some other teams like the frogs, natsu cheered for them

there was a memory of his mother sitting with him on their couch during one of her rare day offs as they rewatched the recorded copy of the olympics

it has become natsu’s favorite thing to watch

‘with great talent comes great hardships. people don’t become good overnight and i watched those people suffer through it all but look where they are now’

‘KIRISHIMA, WATCH OUT! COWS CROSSING!’

natsu was snapped out of his thoughts at hinata’s shout

then it morphed into pure and utter confusion

‘cows?’

shoyo laughed

‘since youre from the city, this must be a weird sight for you, huh? well, in the countryside, this happens a lot!’

but natsu didnt mind

in fact, he loved cows

he loved any farm animal in general

maybe it was his upbringing in the hustle and bustle of the city that he grew to love the countryside

shoto took him with his family to a trip to the country once and he remembered loving the smell of grass

they were able to do an activity in a farm where they worked in a rice farm and the peace and serenity was something he will always remember

his mother was lucky she grew up in a place like this

‘kiri-kun, ive been wanting to ask, how is your volleyball team in the city? are you a powerhouse?’

natsu felt pride bubble up in his chest

‘of course! we got second place in nationals!’

he boasted and blurted out before he could stop himself

then he felt fear

he shouldnt have said that because for all he knows, yuuei probably doesn’t exist at this time period

hinata had a different reaction and his eyes shone

‘WHAT?! WOAH! SO COOL! I HAVE TO TELL OUR CAPTAIN THAT WE’RE GETTING A POWERHOUSE STUDENT!’

‘uh-i-uh-’

natsu didnt know what to say because he had a feeling he definitely just did an oopsie

so he switched topics really quick to divert the attention away from his past

‘o-oi sho, once youre done being a pro volleyball player and stuff, we should have our own rice farm’

of course it was such a random idea but it distracted the orange boy

hinata shrugged

‘i mean,,, i have to be a pro first but i guess we can!’

‘hmm,,,, i dont think you have to worry about that’

.................................................

taglist:

@hartbeat-art​ @yakus-yakult​ @nerdyphantomlady​ @jollycowboysaladhero​ @cynicallychaotic​ 

a/n: oh god this sat in my drafts for so long and i really dont know what im doing like i kinda have a rough outline of what im doing but im just going with the flow but i dont think the flow is quite flowy 

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x oc #haikyuu x male #haikyuu!! imagines #haikyuu!! scenarios #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu!! x oc #haikyuu!! x male #haikyuu!! manager #haikyuu manager #haikyuu au #haikyuu!! au #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu!! fanfic #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu!! fluff #haikyuu!! angst #haikyuu angst

[vanillatalc]

nipped home earlier to put the ocado away while ana + ben got their boosters but ocado came so early that it was a wasted journey lol o well ... moving around is good

today’s miseryblogging (oh minor cw for mentions of historic, not current, self-harm)

im annoyed w/ myself bc i was really planning on using this few days to get back on top of work, but it was such a RELIEF to just not be battling constant terror that i just sort of sank into bed and didnt move unless absolutely necessary lol.

going home properly tomorrow and i wish i could say that i felt ready or rejuvenated or whatever but i just feel pure dread at the idea tbh and im embarrassed + ashamed of this bc like... imagine being ben rn like you literally throw up once (for non-contagious reasons) and your gf goes into a panic tailspin for like 3d and literally leaves the house and goes and stays elsewhere w/o saying one word to you LMFAO like... 🧍‍♂️ i think there might have been some improvement bc the last time he threw up in like, may 2016 (CRYING THAT I REMEMBER HTE DATES) i actually self-harmed so badly we had to go to the minor injuries unit LOOOOL (AND ANA’S DAD HAD TO DRIVE ME BC I COUDLNT BE IN A CAR W/ BEN. THE SHAME OF IT ALL??) like im laughing but genuinely like the amount of stress i must put him through for this is unfathomable to me bc ive never been in that position!!! anyway nothing of that nature happened this time at all and i do suspect if this month hadn’t left me flat on my back i might have been able to cope w/ it anyway bc i wasnt really recovered from the bludgeoning force of the OCD the past month (like he had a cold a month ago and we all know what happened then, and i dont think ive been able to get myself back on track enough in the interim to cope w/ this - my biggest trigger)

i asked him just now if it makes him want to leave me and he said no, not at all, and he loves me + isn’t going anywhere (and i mean we have been together for like, 9y at this point so none of this is a shock) but like - i can understand how this kind of shit would put a serious amount of weight on teh strongest couples and i do kinda live in fear of what is going to happen as we age? like what if he gets cancer? or like some kind of long-term illness? like genuinely what the fuck then?

i know that the answer is that i actually have to WORK ON IT, but it’s so god damn hard and awful lol

what would you guys do in my position bc i feel kind of at a lost end here - like as ive said before the OCD is the one diagnosis i have that really, really encompasses my experiences, but every single time ive reached out to the NHS they dont help, cant help, or wont help. and even if they wanted to help, it would be 12 sessions of CBT, after a year+ on a waiting list.

ben wants me to take the antidepressants again; i will, bc even tho i dont particularly believe in their efficacy, i have never felt bad on them either, so i think i may as well give them a go again. ben seems pretty convinced that i was a lot better on them but i think it’s just that whatever episode i was in was naturally time-limited bc it was based on real events (i.e. him getting ill - finite) and that coincided w/ going on the meds lol. but i dont begrudge him asking me this so whatever

my other plan is to get a private ocd specialist involved but its really hard to pick one bc none of them seem to do ERP (which i believe is the more up-to-date treatment for OCD) and there are no reviews for any of them, and i really fucking wish therapist reviews were a thing