#anyways now I’ve got to ask myself

[robin-with-a-pen]

Okay I’m having ideas I need someone to stop me-

Anyways, so we all know that Chilchuck probably doesn’t have the healthiest relationship with food? Right?

I don’t think he has an eating disorder but more so disordered eating- that hellish middle space, right? I mean “maintaining his body weight at an acceptable level” really sticks out to me

So picture this- my man retires, he doesn’t need to control his weight anymore, no worry about setting off or anything, but he realizes that the unhealthy habits he’s developed over he past ten years are harder to break than he thought

#hi I’m your friendly neighborhood ‘writer with mental issues they like to project onto characters’ #anyways now I’ve got to ask myself #do I really want my very first contribution to this fandom to be a Chilchuck disordered eating recovery(?) fic #dungeon meshi spoilers #tagging is my least favorite part of every post #but alas I enjoy the dopamine of little notification #this idea obviously isn’t thought through #and j might not end up writing it #but you never know #I might be striking gold #watch this be the fic that gets me out of my slump- #chilchuck #dungeon meshi manga spoilers #just in case #it’s kinda spoilers #but also mostly inconsequential knowledge that most people already know #dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi fanfic #chilchuck (dm) #chilchuck tims #chuckleduck gets put in situations #chilfuck and the recovery arc #I’ll probably have his family or friends or smth express concern over him #I can expand on bits and pieces if anyone wants #but I do have ideas #maybe I can force mithrun in there as a ‘we forget to take care of ourselves’ club

[peachdues]

Ngl I’m kinda just here for the smut 💀 no hate to you and the plot of never ore is surprisingly good but I’ll probably skip to the smut

Ah I see.

My bad 😅 I guess I got a little invested and carried away. It was just supposed to be a Kinktober prompt after all.

I feel kinda silly looking at this 20k word current draft now, though lol. Maybe I’ll just leave In the Netherwood where it’s at for now since Part II was smutty enough. I’m a bit busy rn anyways.

#🍑’s asks #I was kinda excited to work on it this weekend but now #yeah lol. #no one to blame but myself #I’ve got a lot of work to do this weekend for my office and holiday shit anyways

[fuckdamn]

everytime i’m faced with wild overt misogyny that’s just platformed like it’s nothing i remind myself that people don’t actually have to feel this way about women. men are fully capable of treating women like human beings and viewing them as such. “but socialization but male fantasies but patriatchy speaks through us even when we don’t recognize it” sure but actually regardless there exist men who are fundamentally not raging misogynists and they generally seem happier and better adjusted. misogyny to me isn’t disappointing because “oh i can’t believe Men, as an essentialized category of person, are like this” it’s disappointing because people make the choice to be like this. “it’s my biological imperative as a man to dominate you” okay well it’s my biological imperative as a freaky bitch to dominate you so what now. what biological imperative is making you comment “onlyfans detected opinion rejected” on every picture of any attractive woman. i think i will always be understood by most people as a woman and i’m learning to accept that and trying to like it but misogyny makes me feel very trapped of course. but misogyny is a choice. which means some people make the choice to be misogynistic which is profoundly frustrating. but many other people choose not to be actively misogynistic and i believe anyone could choose not to be actively misogynistic if they wanted. so it’s a whole thing

#lotte.txt #womanhood is a fun thing to participate in with women who do not hate women. otherwise it’s very stifling and starts to not be worth it 4 me #for other girls — cis and trans btw — i think relishing in womanhood still feels worth it even when it’s very difficult and i admire that #but apart from my fashion sense and bloodlust i feel very detached from womanhood as like this primal animate Essence #but i don’t really want to be a man either. i like being a Weird Girl i like being a Hot Weird Girl #i’m more of a Hot Weird Girl than a Hot Weird Boy and i’ve discovered that through trial and error #and calling myself nonbinary/fluid accurately describes my experience in a lot of ways. but i also sometimes feel like the label doesn’t.. #serve me? if that makes sense #like i got really into kibbe in 2020 and it was like oh shit i’m a soft dramatic. how cool that there’s something that describes my body #but after a while i got exhausted with kibbe because yeah. by the logic of the system of course i’m a soft dramatic #and i operate with that knowledge in the back of my mind. but also so what. i am aware of the shape of my body now #and now i feel the label has very little left to offer me #like if you’re asking? sure i’m a kibbe soft dramatic. but i don’t hold kibbe’s system as law or view it as crucially important #that is very much how i feel rn about calling myself nonbinary #like if you want me to think about it? yeah i don’t strictly conform to the gender binary #but i don’t believe gender itself is useful for my growth - i don’t hold the institution of the gender binary sacred - why bother #why draw attention to where i exist within the system when i’m tired of defining myself in terms of the system at all. yk #aUghj. anyway

[why-the-heck-not]

hate hate hate the feeling of turning in a part of an assignment and being hella embarrased abt how it is :3 like, feeling someone’s just gonna email me like ”hey?? what the fuck ??? what are u doing here this is garbage” like yeah dude i dont know what to tell you, things did not go well this week

#doing one that’s like a bigger thing but has weekly deadlines #and this week hasn’t been good for that so it’s like very fucking pathetic of how little I got done #and it’s all basically shit anyways like i know it doesn’t work and won’t work with the way I’m going about it #also I’m only submitting the previous version bc i don’t even fuckin know what’s going on with this current one #like the code’s all bad and all over the place and I have no clue where i’m trying to go with it #so it’s like i basically didn’t get shit done this week #only made myself more confused #i need to take a step back and like really fuckin think what I’m going to do with this bc it’ll just get worse if I just keep trying to go #with this shitty thing i have on my hands rn #and also im like over an hour late already bc gotta write a weekly report and idk what the fuck to say like #’’oops sorry dude it’s shit rn i have no clue what’s going on but also dont have anything i could ask help with bc im too confused so it’s #just uhh this thing now; a mess <3’’ #the way i’ve been handling this course like ?? uh oh will i ever have the audacity to step a foot to my campus ever again lol #yes im now writing this to procrastinate writing that weekly report thing #ughhh yes im hella positive rn all is shit #(also there was parliamentary election today and it didn’t end well so that might be why everything feels 5x more shitty rn) #april 2023 #2023

[imperpetuallylost]

kinda crazy but…

im gay for you

:o no way i’m also gay for u <3

#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot #i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama #because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions #and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time #one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly #and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh #but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher #anyway #i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!! #but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there #so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice #and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs #for robotics if we qualify #which my hopes are vaguely high this year #but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do :///// #and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute #it’s really bad #anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown #idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was

[gregmarriage]

okay, i’m genuinely curious: do people find me intimidating?

#that’s crazy to me but i wanna hear it from you #bc i get intimidated by other people i deem too cool for me whether that’s silly or not #but like to think other people find *me* intimidating? #idk i feel im very jaded and my own perception of myself very obviously will probably not match other people’s #idk i’m thinking about that kinda stuff lately #both in the context of friendship and otherwise #and just trying to both be more grown up and putting myself out there and making new adult relationships #and also balancing that with autism and the struggle to do so #my experience with friendship is weird and i wanna actually learn to be better basically #idk i always feel i’m a bad friend but like i do try really really hard and if i was really a bad friend i wouldn’t try at all would i? #idk it’s very complicated and it comes from a werid childhood and yadda yadda #whatever my big thing right now is communication i guess? #and relearning how to do it etc #as i’ve said in multiple posts #and i guess i’m trying to bare with myself as well as asking other people to do the same #bc i wanna talk and make friends but i’m currently on a slow road to figuring stuff out in my life so uhh yeah #that’s the guist of it i guess #anyways imaooo this post got away from me #gwen rambles #gwenposting

[dragonanon]

Me at 13: Ew! I HATE girly shit! Who cares about smelling nice and looking like a model??

Me now at 24: Holy shit this body butter makes me smell like a key lime pie, and this magic stick can HIDE my acne?? Sign me tf up!!

#my teen self would be REPULSED by what i have become #i’ve never had any interest in make up before #but i find myself getting interested in maybe trying some minimalist stuff #trouble is i have NO CLUE wtf i’m doing with makeup #and if i ask my mom she might honestly teleport here just to start putting makeup on me lmao #my mom was always a bit salty that i wasn’t a girly girl growing up #so me expressing interest in anything even remotely girly makes her really excited #i honestly do not know where my sudden interest in makeup has come from #but its got me in a fucking chokehold #anyway im now on my way to sephora to buy a bunch of shit i don’t need #pray for my wallet

[personinthepalace]

Went to some local bookstores with my friend today and couldn’t resist buying the Spy x Family manga!

#I haven’t bought a book for myself in years #and I’ve never read a manga before so this is going to be fun haha #quite a fun day today #had a shadow intern ask me if I had a boyfriend #and I’m like lol never (ace for the win) #and then later while hanging out with my best friend #she drops the news that SHE has a boyfriend #things from the last two months makes so much sense now hahaha #anyway we originally planned on going to one bookstore but ended up going to two #the second one turned out to be one that her dad was a member of years ago #and then we got salt and straw bc we bought never ate there before haha #and then we went through a fancy carwash bc her car needs cleaning #and I told her I’ve never been in one before haha #and we listened to the some like it hot soundtrack in the car #so yes an excellent day out today haha #also that is my bookshelf with some of my favorite books in the back #spy x family #spy x family manga #what I did today #about me #personal #rambles in the palace #books #bookshops

[lilgynt]

my mom found the thing that started the fight that got me kicked out. so i was right. in my fantasies this happens and it’s great in real life im gonna jump her

#personal #now i gotta call amazon like no sorry my mom looked again and found it #it’s happened to me i get it. you look everywhere and it’s just not there #but oh my god. i was like shit did i send it??? i only remember the other camera? i only remember that one in there #then it’s like well maybe i did take it on accident #and then i was like am i getting so high all the time again that i sent it too???? and don’t remember? that’s pathetic mm #so i called them and god hard to find their number but call and get a note put in the system like hey might have done an oppsie #and that took forever and i did it next day after the fight bc i did feel bad #which was at workkkk 😔 #now i gotta call them back nutssssss #also getting my dads ashes separated for my siblings #which either need to do flex time to do that or take day off #which i’ve been doing a lot like hey im sick! #hey! my house got broken into!! #hi again!!! it happened again!!!! #luckily one was a mental health day so ur boys only called out twice yeahhhhhhh #but anyway honestly just happy i let them know the urn situation is 100% on you #said nicer #but i was like hey if u have one just send it to me or the cremation place has some just see if u like any #and i’ll see if it’s easier to pay online or give it to me and i pay them #but urns easily 100 bucks if not more. granted looked at metal before wood but still. ain’t noooooooooooooo way #if it was like. 20 bucks i could see myself being like okay ill fork it over and deliver the goods (dad) #and i’ll rant this everytime but especially when i asked about this when we were funeral planning and before i got them and got told to #basically shut up. no. that trip was super hard didn’t wanna have to do it a couple times #i remember i came home with dad sobbing he was buckled in and i got him out and was just holding him #and i let everyone know hey dads home he’s safe #and i’m distraught holding my dad but distraught and talking to him #and first thing my brother says is when can we get some of the ashes too? #no asking me hey. u alright? no im happy dads home safe nothing just. sooooo #oh i could have killed i could have KILLED.

[bubble-you]

read a post about if the doctor was a vampire and got snacks from friends. just a bite. and uhh a little horrified because proportionately they’d probably need like 1L of blood at LEAST to be full. And that’s like 25~30% already. So say a snack. But Rory would apparently draw blood for 11 using a needle, and that’s alright, that’s only 5 ml or 10 ml, at most 20. That’s a reasonable snack, if you were to give that away.

It doesn’t dull the dread of if they were to really drink. That’s your strength. Also… the puncture wound needs to heal. Bruises. Anemia. Drained. Unstoppered.

#I was bleeding from 2 places just now #I feel like an open wound perhaps #I feel like some part of myself is made vulnerable #the precious blood I had grown myself dropping out of me like #like curds #don’t leave me #like I’d been reminded there’s this thin part of my outer membrane #that’s been distressed #blood #you wouldn’t raid a barren farm for crops #I have barely anything to give #all the proteins I ate to form #this blood… all the grain and milk #I have no surplus. any surplus is unfit for donation anyway. #blood… #‘the blood is the liiiiife!’ #so yeah to answer the question I don’t know what 12 would do if he was a vampire #and how intimate to ask of your friends a little of their vitality? #but 11 is close enough to Amy and Rory and he’s taken far more from them anyway #to think some people would give their whole stock to me if it would sustain me… #perhaps with 12… Clara… it’d be like a twilight thing. very Eros and Thanatos. #like he would simply control himself no matter how bad he wanted it but they’d take steps on the way. little sacred transgressions #see Don’t Stand So for reference #I haven’t read twilight #but like twilight by contra points. I’ve mentioned a lot on this blog #I can’t believe I forgot to replenish my antivirals and then I got a virus!! how clear and concise this feedback from science

[theskywaslookingback]

My dad: *texts my mom the day after Father’s Day to see if I was mad at him because I didn’t call him*

Also my dad: *sends me a text on Easter and then radio silence for months* *does not call to ask if I have plans for my birthday* *does not text to check in on me* *does not invite me over to his house for anything ever* *allows my stepmom to use his money to prioritize her kids over me* *literally doesn’t ever act like he wants anything to do with me actually* *cancels or changes plans at the last minute because he decides he wants to drink instead* *offers to help my mom pay my car payments and then never does* *gets us gym memberships and then cancels them without warning because he didn’t have the money and just doesn’t tell me* *cannot hold a thirty second conversation without mentioning ‘the Chinese threat’ or ‘Covid was invented by democrats to replace Trump in office’*

My dad: Why doesn’t my child call me? I am the specialist most important person in the whole wide world. What could she have to be mad about?

#angy #sweepy but angy #he told my mom the other day that he wished I’d gotten a real job instead of playing around like I am currently #like with zero awareness that I tried desperately for six months to find a job and literally no one would hire me #and now I can just kind of do my own thing BECAUSE my mom takes care of me and helps me financially #and that we have an understanding that I will absolutely look for a job if she ever asks me to #like we have talked about this multiple times #my silly little business is allowed because my mom makes enough money to take care of us both and invest in the business #if she were to say ‘i need you to find a job to pay for your car payment’ I’d start looking again that very second #we’re both adults like #im literally turning 30 in a few days #and he’s still running his mouth like im 16 and stupid #ignoring the fact that I’ve been sick a majority of my adult life and that it’s gotten significantly worse the last couple of years #to the point that something as common as my period will have me writing on the floor in pain for days and sick to my stomach for weeks #this man has a wife that has NEVER worked a day in her LIFE and he wants to tell ME to get a job?? #anyway she told me about it when she got home and i had to stop myself from reflexively going to set his house on fire #that man better send me fucking money for my birthday it’s all he’s good for

[chwejongho-archive]

hellaur °3°

#i’m on a mini hiatus because life is overwhelming!! however i wanted to share some little life updates that have happened hehe :> #🌩️ #so for context i am a trans man #and i handled a full appointment with my GP (family doctor) on my own which is HUGE #because being autistic i usually need someone with me incase i go mute with anxiety or stutter too bad #and it was an extra stressful appointment because i finally told my GP about my plan to medically transition and got put on the notorious #GIC waiting list ;-; #☁️ #and i got her to change my name in the system since this week i also finally completely my legal name change!! #i’ve been socially transitioning for a good few years now so it’s nice for my legal name to match hehe #kaspar!! (kaz for short) #and i’ve got a bunch of legal stuff to do which is why i am overwhelmed and have no time to gif >< #anyways i am proud of myself!!!! #⛅️ #how are my beloved followers and moots doing?? pls send asks i miss interacting with everyone </3 #kaztalks

[thatone-churro]

y’know just as soon as i start getting comfortable with the idea of being open/relying on my dad and him being more comfortable with my choices than i feared, i can essentially throw all that out the window with how vehemently he yelled at me at the thought of my getting my septum pierced (even though i never said i was yet. i said my side before i decide anything else). also making underhanded remarks of me never getting tattoos other than the one for my mom. like okay don’t ask me why i don’t tell you about anything or talk to you or anything. what the fuck.

#‘i love you no matter what’ and ‘you’re an adult and as long as your choices make you happy’ out the window i guess. #are we too sober for those statements to apply all of a sudden? #and again i didn’t even say i was getting it any time soon. i said my sister wants to take me to get my first non-ear piercing. #she’s getting hers repierced & i want to get my side. #and then he started going off on me for it for no reason. and brought up the one tattoo i want to get for my mom. #and THEN made an off handed remark of a similar vein about dyed hair. #i hope he knows he’s literally the only reason i don’t have piercings or tattoos or dyed hair or like anything that lets me look how i wanna #like deadass. i know i’m your ‘baby.’ but can i please actually embrace myself. i don’t care if you don’t like alt culture. i do. #he would shun the girls i crush on fr like oh my god. #like if he knew what i really wanted to look like i think he’d disown me. won’t even have to bring up my funky relationship with gender. #literally as soon as i start thinking i can be open with this man he pulls this shit and then asks why i’m slowly getting more distant. #like wow it’s almost like i’ve been regulated and raised according to what you want and not what i want. #and you wonder why my sisters (especially my oldest who has a lot of piercings & tattoos like i want) aren’t close either? isn’t that wild? #how we never got much of a chance to explore this without reprimand until we were moved out? even as legal adults? #absolutely WILD correlation there i wonder if the causation lines up here pa. what the fuck. #anyway i’m gonna go now and not cry because my roommates are home but i’m gonna go sulk because i’m sick of this ✌️ #oh wait convenient that the showdog poem went up tonight too isn’t that crazy. man calls himself out so hard lol #grace being stupid #text post #personal

[gatheryepens]

Me agreeing to do something and then ultimately regretting it after I think it over…..

#in another predicament #but anyways I don’t actually know if anyone remembers this #but like many moons I was having to write this speech #for this competition #at school where I had to deliver a poem and a speech #so basically I’ve been asked to read the poem #which is o captain my captain if anyone wants to know #at the award assembly kind of thing #so me being me I agreed without any thought #but now I’m actually processing it #and I’ll be doing it infront of two year groups plus parents and some teachers #which is definitely a lot more than before #so yeah… #got to rehearse the poem and then psych myself up to do it #I think I’ll be fine but it is still very nerve wracking #I think it will be in the dark since it’s after school #hopefully #gatherrambles #gatherstudies #hope everyone’s week is starting off strong #!!! <3

[actualtoad]

little mars art that im happy about

#mars like my now-erased-from-the-internet hhvcd contribution #funky little archive guy who reverse possesses people #that guy #pronouns he/him he’s not exactly binary but very importantly a Guy while having less binary presentation and deeper identity #anyway his name is mars or maggie. usually i call him maggie but in important contexts he’s for sure mars #same as how sometimes people (specific person mostly) call me artie and that’s a good thing but i’ll still always introduce myself as arthur #so anyway. this is mars rodriguez. sometimes known as maggie #and idk. he’s only a little bit entwined with hhvcd he’s mostly just my funky little guy that i made #that’s just because of my inability to impose stuff that i’ve created on people in a substantial way #like i don’t like to tell people about my stuff unless they’re a hundred percent asking. and so. i don’t. and here i am shdhdf #but ANYWAY this is just a cute little doodle. a sweet little drawing of a sweet little guy #in an alternate universe where he’s just a happy guy. some happy little man #this just serves as like. introduction to him as a person. mars when happy and regular. and not a villain #but anyway this is just a doodle. but i might put it on redbubble just for kicks. so i can buy it for myself. for cheap #that’s the cool thing about redbubble. that’s half of what im in it for shdhdhdf #anyway i haven’t posted art in months AND since im on this new blog i’ve actually never posted art as far as anyone can tell #so here’s a little mars. nothing special just my little guy. blorbo from my mind #me. my post. mine. #i arted #this is what i was drawing when my mom got mad at me by the way. but im back now and i finished it #that issue has resolved

[yuribalisms]

So I’ve vaguely talked about my family situation on here a few times (mostly that it sucks and I hate them) but… ugh… so all my siblings are either half siblings or step siblings. My half siblings’ dad was a guy my mom married when I was about four. He was a piece of shit and was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive (that me and my mom got the brunt of but especially me). Eventually he started cheating on her when I was 12 I think? Idk but he planned to divorce her. Right before this all came out he “randomly” decided he wanted to legally adopt me. I always hated him so I refused and it wasn’t until he left my mom we realized he knew I would never willingly come stay with him in the event of a divorce so he wanted a legal claim to me so a judge could force me to stay with him (concerning for a number of reasons). Anyways this man fucking sucks is my point and my younger siblings all had their designated weekends with him and stuff. Bad but he was never nearly as abusive towards them as he was towards my mom and me. However, my sister recently turned 15 and I’d known for a while she’d been having some issues with him, but last night my mom called me and apparently she’s started refusing to go stay with him so as retaliation he’s been shutting her phone off and demanding his side of the family never speak to her again and my mom kept saying she “really wants to talk to me about things” and aaaahhhhh I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate that she’s going through this but also I hate that it’s somehow my responsibility to deal with this. I mean, I threw together some quick plans to go down for two days next week to actually see her in person but I hate that I even have to do that

#i feel so shitty my feelings shouldn’t be the priority here #but it upsets me that I spent so much of my childhood putting myself in between these kids and abuse #both from this guy AND my mom AND on rare occasion the guy she’s married to now #and the fact that even though I ‘got out’ I still have to do that in a way #ofc I’m not gonna leave her to deal with this on her own even though we don’t even get along and never actually talk #but god GOD I’m so sick of this #I’m sick of my family I’m sick of these kids I practically raised that I never asked for I’m sick of my mother pawning these #responsibilities off on me #but mostly I just feel gross that I feel this way if I love those kids I shouldn’t hate helping them #i just…. nnnn…. mostly I wish I actually had a good relationship with my siblings but ik I’ve treated them like shit since I moved out and #i feel terrible for it and they’re little fucking kids ik they’ll forgive me cuz they’re kids #but they shouldn’t and I still feel bad and I hate this so much #anyways I’m shutting up now this is just consuming my thoughts idk #maybe I’ll feel better after I talk to my sister next week but I doubt it #kaz rambles