#anyway this is just me ranting a little bc i'm really hard on myself sometimes but idk maybe i should just ... not be | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gaypolls · 1 month

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ok i just said it doesn't really bother me but i do wanna rant a little bc it's SO insane to claim that you're only a real homosexual if you've never felt an ounce of attraction to ANYONE but your own gender... as though True Attraction is easily defined and quantifiable for everyone? as though gendered attraction is in and of itself something that involves some essence of other people's genders or whatever and not just what you percieve???

think of how many twinks have mistaken for butches and vice versa lmao. is everyone involved in those funny little mixups not a real gay anymore? hell, what about gay people in the closet who can't quite accept their attraction to their own gender yet but their "type" of the "appropriate" gender is effeminate guys/tomboys? if someone wants to enter the gay identity do they absolutely HAVE to renounce all past attraction to the "opposite" gender as fake? why? says who? why would it not be enough to say "i'm significantly happier and feel more natural embracing attraction to, and being with, my own gender"?

like yeah, personally, i do deem the attraction that i used to think i had for women as fake. but i'm an incredibly self-aware and self-analytical and generally In My Head person. i can look in there and see the throughline and know the exact reason i thought i liked girls, and hell, i can even remember the conscious thoughts i had where i was forcing myself to feel it. but i do NOT expect everyone to be the same?? like that would be insane. if everyone was as self-aware as me, specifically. that's not healthy lol.

but anyway, on that same vein, repression and the closet are seriously powerful things. there may have been a layer of conscious attempt to be masculine in the mix, but when i was 16 and searching for things to appreciate in girls' appearances and, because i was trying so hard, sometimes finding them, and acheiving that abstract feeling of attraction that i was looking for... would it really be SO insane if i now wanted to say that yes, i have been attracted to women, and i just got over it?

when i say that i'm not attracted to women now, that doesn't even mean that i have never been attracted to a single woman. it means that womanhood and femininity does not inherently appeal to me. that's where "exceptions" come in - it's literally not that deep. it's when you recognize that you're feeling something, and maybe you're unsure but it seems at least attraction-adjacent, but it's not related to the prerequisite of gender that's usually on your capacity for attraction; it's in spite of it. i have to imagine that the majority of the time when this happens, it's because the person is in fact somewhat androgynous, or some part of you percieved this person as the gender you do like when you weren't conscious of it, or there's some aspect of their appearance that has the right gendered "energy" to you. and sometimes people just look really fucking interesting, or people are just excpetionally beautiful, and it hits you so hard that it seems like attraction but you're really just in a brief moment of awe! sometimes you just enter the cosmic soup for a second!

and feeling superior about having never had this happen to you is... well, it's just that, isn't it? it's purely about feeling superior. i honestly don't even believe that it's truly the case for that one person. i feel like the internal need to say shit like that has got to come from an insecurity about the fact that you're not that "true homosexual" that you're claiming deserves to never be implied to have things in common with all other gay people.

furthermore... the notion of it being homophobic to identify as gay when you're "not 100% internally homosexual"? well i mean obviously that's the terf shit. it's the braindead idea that other people's identities take anything away from you. as if anyone actually identifies as gay "when they're actually bi" just for fun and not because their "straight" attraction is extremely incidental and/or just does not preclude actually acting on it... like duh, lol. and even if it was for fun, it literally still takes nothing. it's a completely imaginary danger.

and it's so batshit in particular bc going out of your way to harass other gay people and tell them they're not gay is objectively the fucking homophobic thing??? like how on earth do you see yourself as the better person here. christ lol

#mine #not polls

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star-girl69 · 3 months

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DUDEEEEEE. She calls me baby youuuuu ate that harrrrrrrd. Like I had to go back in for seconds and thirds and fourths fr fr. Cause are we even surprised or are we just grateful that you give us mortals a second of your time and talent????

Babe you are so incredibly talented. The way you write is sooooooo amazing its like you just know how to manipulate your words into something that will and has had me in tears in like 2 seconds. Don't even get me started on how you write your characters. Like I don't know how I can fully and most genuinely express the astonishment you leave me in all the time.

I believe that you are one of a kind and a treasure to be cherished. I know that doubting is inevitable but I hope that you know that I'm always gonna be in the obsessed with addie corner no matter what. Like I meant it when I said that there won't be a time when you have no fans. Ever. You will forever be my favourite gorgeous goddess❤️❤️❤️.

-❤️

(I'm sorry I've been so absent school has been actually eating me alive)

(I think about you everyday though and it makes life just that much better)

(I hope you don't think I'm exaggerating😭😭😭😭All of this that I've been feeling without releasing had to be sent in a long ask my bad)

(I missed your little bonuses though, I hope you're doing okay)

(I'm always here for anything you may need, even if its literally just to tell you how amazing you are)

(love you ❤️)

#jealousclarissesupremacy

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE I WAS SO WORRIED I SMILED SO HARD WHEN I GOT THIS ASK 🤭🤭

I CANT THAT WHOLE SECOND PARAGRAPH LIKE I CANT LIKE WOWWWW YOU THINK THAT???? ABOUT MEEE??!!!!??!?!?!?!!

TREASURE IS INSANE BTW 🤭 anyways omg. i’m so grateful wtf like i’m sorry i cant come up w something more poetic like you i just love these asks so much i get so happy and idk how to express that other than ilysm and i’m just so happy and so so grateful

also gorgeous goddess… i giggled 🤭🤭🤭

(ITS OKAYYYYY IM GLAD YOUR BACK SCHOOL HAS BEEN COOKING ME TOO 💔💔)

(EVERYDAY??!?!?!?! i think about you everyday too tho….. thinking about that one day you were so active and i got like 5 asks from you… BEST DAY OF MY LIFEEE) (also pls don’t take this as me pressuring you TRUST i am grateful for whatever you give me 🙏🙏)

(STOP. I. LOVE. LONG. ASKS. DONT ANNOY ME BY DOUBTING MY LOVE FOR YOU!!!!!!!)

(idk i’m okay i’ve just been really feeling pressured to write stuff bc the fandom is dying down (guys pls come back) and i am now firmly addicted to the praise and number of notifs i get…. lol. the bonuses have always been weird bc sometimes they come so easily to me like the first one i did was so it goes and i didn’t even have to think about it and then someone said they liked it so i went back and did it to my other fics and started doing it and idk yeah basically what i’m saying is sometimes they’re so easy and other times i have to force myself to come up w something which sucks but people like them so i’m happy to do it!!!!)

(tbh i’ll probably go back and add a bonus to she calls me baby bc i have just a little teeny bit of ocd and it will bother me but also i’m trying to let the little things go but idk we’ll see how strong i am 😭😭)

(sorry i will stop ranting now) (shoutout to anyone who actually reads that incoherent ramble)

(i need to be told how amazing i am 24/7 so that will be hard 😔) (BUT I APPRECIATE YOU SAYING THAT)

(LOVE YOU TOOOOO 💋💋💋)

#iagreesobad

#addie answers stuff!!!#❤️ anon

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carphoegras · 1 year

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I don’t ship most of these myself , but your rant/ramble posts on Les Mis ships are funny so I genuinely wanted your opinion on these 👁

1. Enjoltaire

2. Valvert

3. Enjonine

4. Marisette (or whatever Marius x Cosette was called)

5. Javonine (Javert and…Eponine 😭)

6. Marionine (A name a just guessed for Marius x Eponine because I wasn’t bothered to look it up)

7. and uhhh.. Granjonine (I think that was the name)

well hello darling! i live to entertain lol lets get into it i might have to put this under a cut because i think its obvious i have a rambling issue

Enjoltaire : a classic for good reason. they seemed really base level to me at first because i watched the movie first, but once i read the brick and really saw their dynamic i fell for them HARD. for me the beauty of this pairing is really rooted in the substance of their individual characters as opposed to like a romantic relationship. idk its so difficult for me to verbalize why i love them so much i think i just love the idea of finding common ground despite difficulties. enjolras and grantaire mirror each other in such a beautiful way that i feel the musical/movie couldn't really capture without demoting it to a puppy love grantaire/mean enjolras dynamic idk i have such an issue with some portrayals of them because i feel like they create a victim/abuser situation where there wasn't one but that's like a whole post within itself anyway i feel like im getting incoherent i love exr with every fiber of my fucking being just read the brick if you don't get it ok the movie and musical just dont do it justice and for the love of god avoid the fics written in 2012/2013 after the movie hype its all wRONGGGG (i love you george blagden but you created a twink grantaire movement) (they pull each others pigtails okay its a mutual obsession) (enjolras why don't you just ignore him baby? glutton for punishment my dear we all know if you hated him you wouldn't let him hang around) (anyway) i should make a seperate post about my exr feelings bc i could talk ab them for hours

2. Valvert: okay this is where i feel like i can be unpopular with the fandom. i fucking hate this ship. like physically, spiritually, all that. its one of those that i kinda lose respect for the person bc its literally a cop/prisoner thing. its not enemies to lovers. its not a hate love thing. javert's a fucking cop. valjean is his victim. the whole idea of people romanticizing this makes me feel so insanely icky and i think the point of the story has just gone RIGHT over some folks' heads please take a step back and think about it. neolib behavior sorry not sorry

3. Enjonine: enjolras is gay. just like, straight up in the brick enjolras is a gay man. this ship is spawned from straight girls who saw aaron tveit and use eponine as their not like other girls posterchild. just a whole bunch of hetero nonsense. same behavior as the joseph quinn enj x reader bs. honey thats a homosexual man and can we please stop reducing eponine to needing a boyfriend she needs a stable home and a goddamn therapist fucking hell

4. Marisette: okay. i LOVE THEM. i'm a cosette stan myself, and i'm a huge fan of a gooey love at first sight situation. they contrast my love for exr in the sense that they're a very easy love. their parts in the book literally make me SWOOOOOON i can put aside my beef with marius as a combeferre kin to appreciate how sweet they are

5. Javonine??: im sorry wh aht. did the snape x hermione shippers leak into the lm fandom or am i being fucking punked im not discussing this its obvious why this is wrong please tell me its obvious y'all are NASTY

6. Marionine: eh. eh. i mean, like i said with enjonine eponine's problems are not gonna be solved with a dude. i'm really not opposed to them, persay, its just that eponine's love for marius is so incredibly dependent and rooted more in her personal trauma than actual love, so i feel a little weird with them sometimes. sometimes it just gives anti cosette vibes (cough cough bc of the bullshit love triangle angle that the musical markets cough cough) so i tread very carefully with them

7. Granjonine: again what in the damn hell. i'm not dignifying this shit they could be besties but for the love of god george blagden did a number on the straight girls. STOP PROJECTING ONTO EPONINE IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MIND LEAVE HER ALONE

thanks for the ask lovely, i do love rambling even though these ships are baffling lmaoooo

#les miserables #les mis

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kkami-writes · 7 months

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ok I just really need to rant and I really don't have anyone to talk to rn and i'm just feeling really bleeeeeeh you know?

I have a group of new york friends (I live in cali) who I spend a lot of time with, we play games together, watch movies and all that stuff. we're even planning a group trip soon and I really want to meet them. We've known each other for years and we've done lots of secret santas and everything. There's one person (who i'll call S). We were close, we had a lot in common and we got along great. We shared struggles together and could talk easily with each other. He had revealed he had a crush on me. (this is in 2020 during covid) I'm a very touch heavy person and one of my love languages. Him living in new york would be really hard. but he's a nice guy and I have a lot of fun with him so I agreed to a 'date' so we had a valentines date over video call and discord. and while I like him, I just don't think I felt the same and again, I really did NOT want to do a long distance relationship. so I turned him down and things were okay for awhile. Then a couple weeks past and I had mentioned that I went on a date with someone (i did NOT enjoy the date btw) but it set him off and he needed some space. which I totally get and understand!!

so back to now I don't really remember what mended our friendship but we were close again and have been for a few years now. I consider him my best friend. out of everyone in our group I felt like I could be real with him with my depression and anxiety. not that I can't with the group but I just felt he always understood me the best, considering he deals with it too. For the last two years we've gotten closer, we'd send stuff to each other, we did buddy reads, like typical?? best friend things. But recently I have felt a little? smothered by him, constantly asking me if my anxiety was acting up or whatever and it's like i'm glad you care but like if I needed help I would go to you, you don't have to ask me everyday you know? and then I was getting worried that he was relying on ME to much. which of course, i'm glad to help but it felt so overwhelming sometimes because I can't help all that much besides give advice, and try to comfort him. and the point is that I wanted him to be able to reach out to other people but it felt like he was dumping it all on me and I was starting to not be able to help bc it felt like I was just repeating myself over and over again you know?

anyway I needed to ask him if he was having feelings for me again because I could start to tell. he had told me no and then I asked if he was lying and then he told me no. but then he didn't talk to me for a few days and in my head i'm like. ok so you lied to me. but a few days later he was back to normal and i'm like...so we're just?? gonna ignore that? okkkkkkk.

and then in chat I mentioned that I had given my number to a cute guy at the boba shop. (I wrote my name and number on a napkin, gave it to him and then ran away bc i'm a big baby). this had set him off because that is that last time I heard from him. the guy never even texted me back (which of course made me feel bad since i'm really insecure about my appearance right now). the thing that I hate the most is that he ghosted me. Our other mutual friend had to tell me that he's taking a break from our discord server. and it sucks. and then it brings me back to all the times we shared and it's like??? did you only do those things because you like me??? like I know you genuinely care about me but it's only because you like me. Like you can't??? respect the fact that I just don't like him like that and i'm trying to put myself out there? something I haven't done in THREE YEARS. I've been single since 2019 and for the first year or so I was happy bc I really needed to take a step back and focus on myself. and now i'm soooooo fucking lonely but it's hard to meet people. I don't have a license, I don't leave the house that often bc my friends all moved away my father is always out either with friends or at work (my parents are divorced and I see my mom rarely). and it's like the one time I put myself out there I get punished for it. and like I know he's going through a hard time I get that, he's been pretty bad lately but. does he even know how much he's hurt me by doing this too? like I get he needs space and like I get time heals all wounds blah blah but it's been a month and I have not heard from him since. He'll still join the discord but as long as i'm not there. and I avoid it too if he's already there. and it's just?? this week has been up and down and i've been feeling icky and god I just??? wish I could talk to him because he'd know what to say? How to cheer me up? and like I'd talk to my best best friend but she's dealing with so much right now that I hate putting more on her plate. She tells me I should hang out with our other friend Z but me and Z had not really a falling out but we didn't talk to each other for a long period of time after a friend situation but her and my best best friend still get together. but it's just??? awkward for me. I would like to be Z's friend again but it really feels like I don't know how to socialize anymore. I know I really need to expand my bubble but idk man.

and even if S gets over it and goes back to normal I don't know if we can??? have the same closeness as before because I can't keep doing this. like it's so unfair to me for you to come into my life ghost me. come back and ghost me again after we got REALLY close. like?? I don't wanna give you all of my heart if you're gonna give it back just because I don't feel romantically towards you?? I wouldn't mind being friends again of course but I'd keep him within a ten foot pole. I can't be emotional or real with him anymore. Just strictly whenever everyone else is in the discord playing games or watching movies.

honestly I've essentially lost a best friend.

this got...really long but I really don't have an outlet right now and yeah. sometimes I

#kaia rants #td;lr boys kinda suck LMAOOOOOO

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stellacadente · 5 days

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so like having memory issues sucks sooo bad

i lost 2 umbrellas in like. 2 or 3 weeks maybe a month (you guessed it i can't really remember. passage of time is so hard) bc it rains, i use this neat little umbrella.... put it down at the bus stop just for a second so i can get something from my backpack and completely forget i ever had it and hop on the bus without my neat little umbrella! fuck! my mum bought me this one (i didn't lose the previous one tbf.. it broke)! so then a couple of weeks later, still without an umbrella bc yeah, i keep forgetting to buy a new one, i have to be out all day, and it's raining hard and will all day, so my mum offers to give me her umbrella. she doesn't really need to walk or anything today anyway. i'll give it back later. yeah right. except i enter the place where i have to take my driving license quiz, i put down my umbrella, right there at the entrance, and when i walk out later it's not raining and i have completely forgotten i ever had an umbrella with me. my mum's umbrella. which i leave there. bye bye to another umbrella. i tell my mum a few hours after i realize... i was scared she'd get mad. she gets mad. how can you forget this stuff all the time. just think about these things a little more. just pay more attention. ah. right. as if that's easy. i tell her! it's not easy! i feel awful about this, i feel awful every time! i'm frustrated. i want her to understand i don't do this bc i don't care about my or other people's things or don't pay attention to them. i tell her look, every time i get to work i go upstairs to refill my water bottle. then i get coffee and/or chat with coworkers. i put my water bottle down, i need my hands to get coffee. and every time. every. time. i go downstairs and realize i left my water upstairs. i curse myself, i groan, i tell myself come one nico, you must remember later/tomorrow. i almost never do. my mum sighs and laughs awkwardly. yeah, mum, i know, i'm not even 30 and my memory's already fucked. i must have some problem, i say. it's only half a joke. i know i do. she half-jokes too, oh that's for sure, haha. i just don't know which one the many problems i do in fact have are to blame for this. is it the abuse and trauma? the bpd that was the result of it? the many meds i've taken for the bpd and all the rest? the times i've abused those meds? all of those, something else? i don't know. i just know it's hard to feel like everything, from memories to objects to knowledge, is a second away from being lost to me. always. few things feel like they last. and as a person who's obsessed with forever, as a person who loves to learn and know and watch and read and listen, as a person who cares even too deeply sometimes... i feel like i lost myself every day. if myself even exists. what am i when i don't remember most of my life? when i've forgotten almost everything about people who mean the world to me, bc they've been gone for so long? i forget birthdays, i forget ages, i forget umbrellas, i forget unloading the washing machine, i forget i already told you this, i forget smiles, i forget movies, i forget things i studied, i forget i had to call, i forget i needed to add something to the guidebook, i forget if i already took my med or not, i forget my favorite concert, i forget my favorite book, i forget. i forget again.

yesterday i went on a rant on the discord server i'm in with my friends, even if i knew it wasn't likely anyone would see it, bc the server's not very active now and that channel especially, no one looks at it. but i was so so scared i'd forget what happened the other day and even worse would start doubting whether it all happened for real or i made up half of it to make up for voids in my memory. that happens often with stuff like that. the therapist i had my first appointment with was very weird about me being trans and i kept thinking about it and feeling bad and the more i think something over, something i'm upset about, the more i get scared that i'm not recalling things right. so i had to write it all down somewhere other people could, even just potentially, see, and i could look back on. i mean yeah, i also did need to talk about it, so it would've been nice if someone read and replied too, but it's okay, i just at least needed to put it down in words as soon as possible.

i guess i'm just scared it'll get worse and worse the more i age and it's already pretty bad now and yeah

#i'm not back from my break but #i need to talk somewhere rn bc yeah #and also i need to stay awake long enough for digestion to like. happen. properly #and i'm soooo fucking tired i had the longest most tiring day ever and i'm literallyyyy hurting everywhere i just wanna lie down and sleep #but alas i ate 20 minutes ago #y'all don't have to read all that if you don't want to lmao <3

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positivelypositive · 20 days

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Hihihi ! First of all wanna say I love ur page sm ty for posting ur personal motivational messages!! They are always so comforting. <333

I just wanted to rant about my major, since I’m in college and that’s like my whole life right now haha.. I keep struggling with getting bad grades (not failing, but not amazing enough to go to a good graduate school in the future). Even though it’s very common since I’m a STEM major in a fairly tough school/major, it doesn’t stop me from feeling like a failure and that I’ll never get better.. I know that I need to just keep taking steps to improve myself and my grades, but it’s so especially hard when my friends in the class are really complacent, settling for the bad grades and not trying to be creative with ways to improve themselves. They choose to be lazy instead and deal with the consequences by dropping a class or a minor that isn’t easy (relatively). I have one other friend in my major who is as motivated as me to do really well, but she isn’t doing the same minor that I’m aiming to do — so we don’t have those classes in common to relate with and help/motivate each other on. So if I’m struggling in the classes for my minor, I know my friends won’t be much help because they’re probably struggling more than me ! Or if they aren’t, they just aren’t as helpful in explaining things because they don’t have an intuitive grasp on it if that makes sense, and would rather just give me their answers.

Anyways, it’s just an overall frustrating experience, but I saw that u were accepting rants hahaha and I kinda needed to get this off my chest. What would u do in my situation? Try to maybe make some new friends? It’s hard because I try to avoid people with big egos (bc they’re annoying 😭 but sometimes they end up being the smartest/most motivated…) but I could also try going out of my comfort zone to meet new ppl, but I also have social anxiety so it’s scary hahahha

Much love 💕

hey anon,

thank you for your kind words! i'm so glad you took up my offer to rant and shared freely. lastly, i'm sorry if i'm getting back to you late. i have been away from my account for a little while and only saw this today.

now, on to what you shared- i want to begin by telling you how proud i am of you. you want to do better even when those surrounding you are complacent. that takes serious motivation. you're awesome!

as for not having someone to motivate you to do even better- i'm in a field where none of my friends or family had any experience so i was a loner for most of my career. eventually, i found people to share with but i understand where you're coming from.

i think youtube used to and still helps me the most. try to look up efficient study methods for your specific subjects or course type. now, it can get overwhelming because youtubers have their on-camera, pretty lives in extreme order.

what you want to do is start small. maybe pick one idea that you see common amongst a few videos and try implementing that. see if it works and then keep adding slowly.

remember to not overdo it. perfection is overrated and for a sincere person as yourself, it can quickly turn demotivating.

take care of yourself anon. you sound like a very pleasant person. feel free to drop by for another rant, anytime. sending you warmth and positive vibes ✨

#positively positive #anon ask #answered

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islandfate · 7 months

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woooo boy. so – i'm doing a little lost season one character recap just to kind of find my footing and determine how i feel about these characters on this latest rewatch. which, also, i think this is my 12th rewatch? that's crazy. anyway, i'm going to go through the list of the characters and kind of talk about how i feel, how my views have differed from my previous watch, etc. warning for opinions 😔 but these will be in no particular order! this will also be under a cut bc it's gonna get long lol !!

jack – the only thing i really want to do right here is rant about how much i dislike this character, how he puts a bad taste in my mouth, how he can be a truly terrible doctor and how his stubbornness and judgement lead to awful, terrible decisions. but i'm not going to completely bash this character, no matter how much i'd like to. despite this, there's no easy way to say it, but i just don't like jack. i think he can be a good guy, and i think there are aspects to him that make him an interesting character, but in season one – for me – his flaws completely outweigh his positives. there is just something about him that makes me so frustrated. i genuinely think it's his attitude, that is, his constant belief that his way is the right way. and i'm always here for a frustrating character, i enjoy someone with flaws, but jack's simply ... fall flat, for me. maybe it's because he's meant to be our main character, and he just has zero charisma in my eyes. i think there are so many other characters that draw me in. jack is just there. and usually he's doing something to piss me off, but not in the fun way, in the “i really fucking hate you” way. and i truly do not like that he refuses to help people sometimes ( sawyer ), or that he brushes them off for being annoying ( sullivan ), or brushes them off because he thinks he's always right ( such as with claire's nightmares ). it puts a bad taste in my mouth fr !!! even him punishing kate for not telling him what she did, when he's the one who told her that he didn't care? make up your fucking mind buddy.

but of course, jack can be a compassionate person. and he does feel guilt for the things he does – like with claire's kidnapping – and i'm glad for that. maybe too much guilt sometimes, but i'm not gonna fault him for that because i always love seeing that in a character. him watching sayid torture sawyer and realizing that this is a bad thing we're doing here – i liked that. it was a bad call. and i truly adore the flashback where he turns his father in for drinking, because i cannot even imagine how difficult that would be, and the betrayal on christian's face ( and the pain on jack's ) is honestly hard to watch. and when sawyer tells jack about meeting christian, and how proud he was of jack, i do find myself tearing up every time lol. it just really kills me. anyway, i'm hoping to god that i like him more in season two because jack isn't a character i want to feel this frustrated with. i don't want to dislike him! i never want to look at a character and say “i hate them please get them off my screen” but that's usually how i feel about jack. and i don't know if it's the writing, or the acting, or jack himself – there's just something about his character i don't like. either way, i'm hoping for better things from him in season two.

kate – oh kate ... perhaps my second least favorite character in this show, right behind jack. i want to like her so badly but there's also something about her that frustrates the hell out of me. i think her infatuation with jack – for no reason, might i add – is annoying. and i hate their chemistry, because there is none. seriously, kate works better with sawyer, works better with sun, than with jack. though i will admit, i really like the plot twist of kate being the prisoner, and i do think it's interesting how much compassion she has for people, even the u.s. marshal, but something about her also unfortunately falls flat for me. she's just not all that intriguing in my eyes, and i really wish she was. i do like she and sayid's friendship, i think it's cute, and i think kate is far more interesting in sawyer's scenes. but i think i'd like her even more if she wasn't soooo heavily paired with a man, always. not even romantically, but i just mean, she's always in scenes with a guy! she always wants a dude's help! like, give her something to do on her own. but, truly, i have nothing more to say about kate, and i may never have more to say on her lol. i don't remember being super impressed with her in season two, but it's been a bit since i watched all of that season, so we'll see!

michael – truly, i do not have any words for why michael would be my favorite character in this season. he's frustrating, quick to blame, doesn't always make the best decisions when it comes to walt ... but that is what makes him so damn intriguing to me. i think it's his relationship with walt that really kills me. it's like, he's this character who wanted to be a father so badly but was never really able to be one. he fought tooth and nail to be able to be walt's dad and it just didn't matter. and then susan dies, brian comes by, and michael's reunited with walt. and he has to figure out how to raise his kid ( who isn't really his kid anymore ) and honor susan and brian at the same time. it's such an insanely devastating situation that i can hardly stand it. people misconstrue michael's intensions so much – like when they say he hates being a father. but i don't think that's true. he just doesn't know how to be one. he was never given the chance to! michael definitely has a bit of a hair-trigger temper, but i genuinely do think it's because of walt – most of the time. and also, michael and jin's friendship after everything that happened between them?? i love it so much. anyway, michael stays being one of my favorite characters in this season, and there's not a scene with him that goes by i don't enjoy. his centric episode nearly destroyed me this watch and i don't think i'm ready for the next one, which i know is coming soon. overall, i just really enjoy how michael has such this surface level look about him, then you look deeper and see who he truly is, what his motivations are, his regrets. he's just a really great character in my eyes. also, i'm not going to talk about walt on his own, just know i adore walt and i wrote a fic about him! so, he's def a fav of mine.

locke – i'm gonna be honest! locke has always been a favorite of mine, i absolutely love his flashbacks and i think he's so much fun to watch on screen. terry o'quinn really carries here, and i'm excited because i know just how great future locke scenes are. but, how do i feel about him in season one? well, i found myself ... being a little more on the bitter side with him! i think i formed an attachment to boone and to witness what leads to his death really hurts. and when locke brings him back and lies about what happened, causing jack to misdiagnose the problem – well, it really sucks to see. and i know boone was supposed to die, but that doesn't change the fact that if i was on that island, i'd be pissed at locke for this. aside from that, i really like his belief in the island and those intertwining themes of fate and destiny ... he just brings something that the show really needs. i will never get over this man having been in a wheelchair and walkabout still makes me cry to this day. and being conned out of a kidney? phewwww that's a tough one for me to watch. i love the scene where locke bangs on the hatch and the light beams up – it's so great. but, boone's death really hurt my opinion of locke in season one, but i'm sure this'll improve with time ( until season 4 🙄 ). anyway, the ending of this season really teases the jack and locke dynamic – man of science and man of faith ... they're so fun to watch and i can't wait to see them interact more in s2. but locke in season one is great, up until the moment he isn't. but he grew on me in the finale. his acting is so good i can't not like him, lol.

sayid – well, i suppose i might as well get it over with. so, i've never been much of a sayid stan ... i try, let me tell you, but the feeling just never comes. my opinion of him has been pretty consistent throughout my time watching this show, but i think he's mostly good in season one. and i'm not saying he's a bad character or anything, i simply find his flashbacks to be boring and i have no attachment to nadia as a whole. and i think that him torturing sawyer was awful! but obviously i'm not really here to judge characters based on how terrible of people they are ( look at my fav ... ), obviously these characters have flaws and are not always great people. my “meh” feeling toward him more so has to do with the fact that he falls a little flat, too. at least for me, he does. and i know people love him! i've just never felt much of a connection to him, and i'm not sure i ever will. let's just say, i don't watch this show for him.

charlie – charlie is definitely one of the highlights of this season. drug addict characters always, always draw me in, and i think his personality is just so great. he's definitely on the funnier side, but then we get to his backstory and you see just how fucked up things got for him! i love that he goes to the cockpit only to find his drugs – and i love seeing his notion that he's a coward, that really gets swept away come episode seven. i know, i know. people don't like the moth metaphor. but i've always had a soft spot for it, and i think the combination of acting and writing really brings that scene to life. i adore charlie and claire's relationship and they're just ): so cute. so when they get kidnapped ?!? god damn that angst is so juicy. but anyway, i've always been a fan of charlie's character and that hasn't changed one bit. i can't really remember how prevalent he is in s2 ( aside from fire + water ) but i very much look forward to seeing more of him and what he gets up to. i feel like i have less to say here bc ... idk! he's just a silly guy! i like him a lot, always have, and i don't see that ever changing.

claire – you know, i've never had much of an opinion on claire. she's always kind of just ... been there for me. however, i think because elsie likes her so much, it's really improved my view of her. claire is just so sweet and i can't imagine the terror of being pregnant on a fucking deserted island. she handles it much better than i would've, lol. but her pain and fear is definitely hard to see, and made even more difficult because of jack not believing her 🙄 which, of course. but i really like the ethan plotline and i like the little seeds they plant for s2 – such as showing that small flashback between rousseau and claire in the finale. we still don't know what happened to her! i will admit, i don't have a whole lot more to say here, but i think she's a fun character and i like the stuff they play with concerning the psychic. that's really all!

sawyer – sawyer!!! this man has always been one of my favorite characters and he's forever managed to crack me up... i just think he's hilarious, definitely one of the funniest characters on the show. even in the pilot, when kate asks where the polar bear came from and he says, "probably bear village, how the hell do i know?" i laugh every time. ANYWAY! i definitely thought sawyer was going to be more of an acquired taste this season, which, he is, but he really shines pretty early on. i expected to hate confidence man more, because i've never really liked that episode when watching alone, but it turns out i ... really enjoyed it this time around? i thought it was the perfect blend of realistic and horrific and it was a great way to stir up tension, especially between sawyer and sayid. everyone always assumes the worst of sawyer and they truly don't even bother asking him – they just blame him, which makes him mad ( as it would anyone ), and then he acts like an asshole in turn. he's backed into a corner and it's kind of fascinating to watch and see what he does, how he reacts, etc. and maybe i'm crazy, but i don't see having your own supplies as a ... necessarily bad thing? so many characters accuse him of looting from the dead, but it's not like he's the only one that's done that. and we're shown that in truly life threatening situations ( such as boone ) he's quick to help. i also love his relationship with michael and, by extension, jin, and him being a part of the raft is just so fun. truly, i think sawyer is just so interesting, and i'm very excited to see more of him in season two.

boone – ohhhhh boone. this man is someone i've always had a love / hate relationship with, but at the end of the day, he won my heart over. he's always been someone that wants to help sooo badly ( such as trying to give rose cpr ) and even if that doesn't exactly pan out, he still cares to try. his relationship with shannon is .... odd, to say the least, but i do enjoy most of their interactions. i think boone definitely projects his feelings on to shannon, like calling her useless and worthless, which is probably why he tries to help out as much as he does. and when he and locke find the hatch, this kind of gives him a new purpose, and so does locke. so it's devastating to see boone be convinced to follow locke out to this plane, and you can see that the only thing he wants to do is help. it just!! pains something deep inside of me. even when he's in the plane, it falls because he's trying to get everyone rescued – and i think that's how he deserves to be remembered. i do think his death hits so hard, and while the episode definitely prepares you for it, it's not easy to watch it play out. i love the scene where locke sees boone in his dream, when he's talking about his babysitter, and you see the flashes of him covered in blood. it's really trippy and foreboding and just ... so well done! i love the idea that boone's death majorly effects everything and everyone, not only in this season but in the seasons that follow, and it's nice that the show never forgets about him. i just really like his character and, though i'm sad to see him go, i know it's necessary.

shannon – surprisingly? shannon was one of the most enjoyable characters on this rewatch for me. i never thought much of her before, felt like she was a little annoying, but i genuinely liked her this season and i thought she was hilarious. i'm a little disappointed we didn't get a shannon flashback, but i know we will in season two, so i look forward to that. her grief for boone really fucking pains me and when walt gives vincent to her ... man. that scene hurts. i don't love she and sayid's relationship, to be completely honest, but i really like the scene where she tells him off for getting frustrated with her about the map. i still have mixed feelings about her going after locke after boone's death, but maybe it'll make more sense to me on another rewatch lol. anyway! not too much to say about her, except i enjoyed her presence ( a lot ) and that was a little surprising for me.

sun & jin – i'm combining these two into one, not only because i think they're important to talk about together, but also because i'm feeling a little lazy. anywho, i think it's really fun how the show makes jin out to be a pretty awful guy, but once you see his backstory – see his motivations, his fears – it starts to make a lot of sense. it's funny because jin is definitely one of my favorite characters, but it's pretty hard to like him at first. so i really enjoy his development in the first season, and his friendship with michael is really sweet. as for sun, i do like her! she's another character that's always just been kind of there, but i enjoyed her a lot more on this rewatch. her goodbye to jin before the raft leaves absolutely gutted me. the acting there was phenomenal. and i think it's really special we got these two characters because yunjin kim was so impressive when they were casting. it's upsetting to see these two characters who don't speak english, who are pretty much completely isolated because of this language barrier, but then sun speaks english?! the little twist there is just so great. her weird relationship with michael also isn't my favorite thing. i just really love sun and jin's relationship and how much it develops – they're probably my favorite couple on this show, tbh. and i know kate was behind a lot of the poisoning jin thing, but when jack tells sun he knows it was her, and she says, "are you going to tell the others?" that just BROKE me!! the fear and pain in her voice. ugh. she just wanted to keep him safe and off the raft. also, jin's dad is so sweet and i really love that scene between them in the flashback. and when sun is about to leave jin at the airport and he shows her the flower – god, that makes me cry every time. like full on sobbing. it's so good and their acting and chemistry is just amazing. anyway, i don't have too much more to say on them, but i adore sun and jin so much!!! definitely one of the highlights of this season.

hurley – i feel like it's a little hard for me to say much on hurley, mostly because we don't get toooo much development with him this season. like, we get one flashback but that's really it! so i'm excited to see more of him in season two for sure. but anyway, he's one of the funniest characters on this show and i love his interactions with literally everyone. and there is not one scene with him that i don't like. the numbers are probably my favorite part of this show, and i love his flashback about the curse and winning the lottery and all that. it's just great. and for rousseau to be the one person who tells him that maybe there is a curse? and that she doesn't dismiss what he's saying? it's so euphoric for him, and i love seeing it every time. hurley's friendship with charlie is also great – i just love those two. his flashbacks, alongside locke's, have always been my favorites and i just ... wanna see more of his character and past! he's just such a memorable character, and one of the first i think of when i reminisce about this show.

honorable mentions :

ethan – scary as fuck. this guy has always creeped me out, and the fact that he's tom cruise's cousin will never not be hilarious to me. he definitely scared the shit out of me as a kid and even still gives me the creeps. it's hilarious that the characters, especially charlie, start referring to him as a "what" rather than a "who." i love it. death was deserved, this man wouldn't have said shit.

sullivan – we were just calling him john lennon because we didn't know his name. his rash was a little concerning and jack brushing him off was annoying to me. and when he comes to the golf course and says "can i play?" i just love that scene. where did sullivan go ... 😔

scott & steve – i don't really know the difference between them, but rip scott. he deserved better.

arzt – probably one of my favorite side characters. he's so funny to me, and when he gets blown up i just ... bust out laughing every time. cannot wait to see this idiot again in s3 and s6.

#dr dipshit ( elsie rewatch )#the hills have trees and the trees have branches ( s1 )#THIS TOOK ME A WHILE ....#but i'm glad i got this out before we start s2 lol #i'm hoping to do this for every season! which may be a trying ordeal for me but i wanna get all my thoughts down #and i'm not trying to piss anyone off with these opinions! this is just how i feel #my mind is always open to change <3 #also sorry for writing 3.5k words about these characters idk what to say #also i feel like i missed someone. i don't think i did tho #maybe it's because the other seasons have so many characters #wish me luck on s4 jesus CHRIST #and if anyone has any opinions of their own ... feel free to comment i'd love to hear #character recap

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candiid-caniine · 5 months

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Ofc! I'd say you should go back to it, but it is very difficult sometimes and I'll be like half the way into something and be like "is this worth then 10 kudos on ao3?" And the answer is usually probably not but nobody else is writing what I wanna read so may as well. Believe it or not finding trans inclusionary fanfics where a cis male character is a submissive bottom is very hard even on Tumblr dot com and ao3. 😩

oh lord, tell me about it. fanfic rant below

so part of why I stopped doing fanfic was I got super tired of writing cishet, neurotypical, and (to a lesser degree) white erotica lol. I'm not cis, het, NT, or white. so seeing myself in my work, esp as I leaned fully into being trans, was harder.

/context: I was writing reylo lmaooo. I got rly into kylux and have like 12 smoking hot wips in my drafts but kylux gets v little interaction and...am attention whore lol. kylux was bigger before hux got killed off I think :/

my fic "bootlicker" was a way to kind of break from that and queer reylo as much as is possible, but I lost interest because just...the fandom doesn't really *want* queer, neurodivergent reylo. and I have no interest in writing anything but star wars fanfic. mainly bc Adam drivr is one of the only cis men I am attracted to (and sometimes I trans kylo ren in my wips bc vibes)

anyway,, nobody asked lol but damn it can be so fuckinn hard. I have a lot of wonderful beautiful followers who will read most anything I write, but not rly interact, and plenty of equally wonderful followers who know what they like and it's so *not* what I want to be writing now. also valid.

I'm so sorry I don't even actually like rey that much I'm imagining myself fucking AD every single time I write her lmao

#asks #off topic #not sexy #fandom #if i go back will prob be for kylux and maybe some trans!reylo shit #sorry to any reylos following me #but realistically the crossover is pretyy small and uh. idrc at this point if yall cant deal with queer rats dont follow #mapleflavoredbeetles #what i get for trying to write cishet ig #on a side note rylos why are yall so against poly fics lmao

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starsarefire824 · 1 year

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Heeey moot! Just woke up! Even though I'm late, I just wanted to say that you deserve to write whatever tf you want and I'm sorry some peeps were harassing you about The Pact. I don't think folks know how hard it is to not only write, but then to post it for others to see. So, for them to criticize you when it's just a fun fic that they can ignore or filter out (tags on ao3 are meant to be used geez) its wild to me. You're doing something very unique with the characters and including a lot of different subgroups of the queer community splendidly while keeping them flawed like real teens - all in 1 fic. As a demi ace myself, I was so happy to see you incorporate that in your fic respectively and a lot of my queer Sex Ed came from detailed, researched fics bc even though my parents and school system talked to me about sex, there was nothing for the queer kids, let alone ace kids to get guidance on. So, for fic readers/writers like me, using fics to explore sexuality was a godsend.

Can't help but also think it's the biphobia kicking in again, specifically for characters like Mike. No one has a problem hc Max as bi even though it seems like lumax is clearly endgame over elmax or elumax, but when it comes to Mike being bi it's like the world is ending despite it clearly being byler endgame. I personally ship all hcs of Mike's sexuality cuz only Robin and Will have been confirmed queer. Everyone else in ST to me is undisclosed until stated straight or queer. But again that's me.

Also love your poly rep cuz my sib is poly and so were some of my grandma's cousins from 1950s-now. So, again, all or most sexualities explored in fics is a must, regardless if you ship it. I've always been a polypartycule shipper and enjoy how you include all party members and mention Duzie sometimes cuz too many times I found fics/hcs excluding the fact Dustin has a stable relationship with Suzie in favor of just highlighting byler and elumax as the romantic ones of the party.

Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out. I hated scrolling through my feed and seeing that post you made of folks getting heated over fiction like you're gonna convince the Duffers to change the whole script. Anyways I hope my support is felt. This is still me typing in a sleep daze and yeah. I'll continue reading your work cuz I enjoy good writers first and foremost and omg lol you made it having some harrassers cuz the greatest books were on the banned book list. Not saying you deserve the irrational hate, but that's how I'm framing it - this is giving "banned book energy" just cuz The Pact is exploring romantic madwheeler when no one cares about byclair or henderhop or henclair (despite folks labeling El as a lesbian). Anyways, you do you moot be blessed out here

Hello deer moot!!!! <33

Thanks so much for the positive vibes!!! I truly appreciate it. I guess I was just feeling a little let down that a select few people made it so far into a fic and then were angry about the way things were going and/or felt the need for me to tell them the ending. At first it didn't bother me, but after answering the same questions 1,000 times and trying to sort of reassure everyone it got to a point of being exhausting! I want to talk about the fic, but I don't really want to have to defend my writing/story/ship choices every chapter. It's kind of exhausting and was bringing me down a little bit. But anyway, enough about that.

I am SO GLAD that you are like...really vibing with some of the choices in that story? Especially with your unique pov being demi ace and having poly family. I think that fanfiction can be a very important tool for a lot of teen when it comes to exploring sex, especially if it's not a cis het-normative type or even just....dealing with sex from a young person's pov and all of the obstacles that everyone faces in that regard. Also, I think it can just open up a conversation or make a person think about things that maybe they might not of before etc etc. Or! They can just enjoy those scenes for the writing/good time. I'm here for all of it.

I'm not sure if it's a biphobia thing? It honestly hadn't occurred to me, but you may possibly be right. I know a lot of people headcanon Mike as gay, which I fully support. I wouldn't be surprised if that is the case. I think if Byler happens in canon, he'll be unlabeled. BUT I do like to write Mike as bi, I personally think that there were feelings for El at some point. I personally headcanon him as a bi-romantic, and sexually leaning towards men. But that's just me....

But anyway, as that pertains to madwheeler, I also really enjoy the bi for bi Max and Mike dynamic, specifically because it's fun to write, and secondly it's another thing to add to their already similar personalities. And yea. I agree... unless a character's sexuality is specifically stated like El and Will's, there is room for exploration for most characters and that's what fanfic and art is for.

I do think there is this strange thought process regarding bi characters, that if they have a relationship with a person of the opposite sex it's like they're not "queer enough" for other people. Like it's somehow lesser than if Mike has a relationship with a woman, even though he already, in canon, is well, with a woman. And that people tend to forget that people are still bi, still queer, even if they are in the most outwardly straight presenting relationship, cause let's face it....you can't really help who you're attracted to and who you fall in love with. it just is.

And when it comes to the madwheeler in this fic, I am fully aware it is one of the least popular ships out there, but again, that is one of the reasons I wanted to explore it. And a a bi, poly person my self it was really interesting putting these characters in a dynamic where they were both involved with people of differing genders and orientations. It gives you a lot to work with when it comes to having things to write about! シ

And as you said, it also allows for some messy, realistic teenage angst! Which I am always a fan of! ;)

Anyway, thank you for the rant. I appreciate it so much, and am honestly still blown away by the positive responses to this story. Even if it's not everyone's cup of tea!

#anon asks #dear moot <3

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 2 years

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vent/rant i guess..

i see a lot of things regarding ed recovery that talk about how "i got sick and tired of being this way or of starving myself/ect. ect." and i just.. i appreciate the sentiment but that's never been how it works for me. at most, it's temporary motivation that fades out soon.

sometimes i'll be eating okay and then our stove is broken so i can hardly eat anything (i live with my parent as a student) and we can't go out either because our family friend is staying with us to do some repairs to our house, so my dad and him just eat steak every night or something similar. i tried steak with them once because i just. didn't feel like starving. and.. it wasn't my thing. so i can't really eat steak either because of the flavour and texture.

and i discovered the weight machine a few weeks ago so that's been.. not so conducive to my recovery. and i was losing weight. faster than i've ever lost weight before. and.. i found myself happy about it. it wasn't any sort of concerning rapid weight loss, but.. i was happy.

found out i can actually make food in an instantpot now. which is.. not ideal, but. it's better than nothing. and now i'm not really losing weight anymore which.. is a little bit of a disappointment?

anyways, as i was saying. i fluctuate constantly between: "ok lets do this. i like eating food because it tastes good i want to consume it." and "ew i hate food i don't like eating food it makes me gain weight i don't like it."

(i think it may be good to note that eating doesn't actually make me gain weight with the amount of food i used to consume daily. i think it's mostly bloating since i always tend to return back to the same weight in the morning and then hover around the same weight after i eat food.)

agh, i guess this is kind of long. but. idk. needed to get this out to someone who actually understands lol

Hi! I'm glad you found my blog a safe place to get this out! I took a while to get to this (It's taking me some time to get to asks rn bc Life) but I think that a lot of people will be able to relate to this. It can be really hard to commit to recovery, especially because peoples' EDs & motivations can fluctuate. I definitely get what you're saying, since I also have temptations to sort of "punish" myself when I'm down or deny myself things like good foods.

It can be hard to commit to recovery when you never know what circumstances will trigger a relapse! It can also be hard to figure out exactly what will work for your body and mind at differing points in your mental cycle. I'd suggest you bring a safefood to just nibble on if you find yourself in a circumstance where you can't bring yourself to eat whatever food is on offer.

While it sounds like your relationship with food could use some healing, I think it sounds like there might be more underlying work to do regarding your relationship with yourself and with your body. Like learning to tell yourself "I deserve health and healing even when I'm in a place where I feel like I do not" or "I deserve to treat myself with care especially when I feel like I don't" or "My body has worth because it houses me and that worth does not change based on my weight/appearance/meal bloat."

(Also, speaking as a chronic illness sufferer, if you are experiencing extreme bloat even after eating small amounts, or are in physical discomfort after eating from bloat, you may be allergic/have an intolerance to a specific ingredient. If this is the case, and if it won't trigger your ED too much, I suggest you fiddle around with your diet until you find out what's making this happen! Small amounts of bloat are normal after meals, especially if your body is adjusting to eating normally again after a lengthy pattern of restriction, but serious physical change/discomfort could indicate an underlying problem. Remember, your body deserves to have food that makes it feel good!)

#ed recovery #ed cw #restriction cw #body image #weight mention #ana recovery

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bronzebtch · 1 year

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nervous energy ft. personal issues (warning: long af) under read. but really im fine! just nervous <3333

so actually. for those who dont know, i'm 25 right? and im asian. there is some cultural context in there but im not gonna elaborate. but like, in december 2022, i was on this job — i was an assistant producer for a documentary company — and i... long story short: i really did love the people we interviewed, the places we've been, and the crew i was working with. but at the same time, the very person who was from my company (cause we outsourced most of our crew) really.... sorta really did me wrong. and ah!! im crying again writing this a little haha. but like, what i got away after quitting the job was that i was .... just this horrible fucking co-worker.

and the thing is, i know i did good. i know i did the best i could with what's given. like i was on my ass everyday arranging the people / the places we're meeting (bc we're dealing with a lot of academics and historians and museum curators etc), making sure the documents are settled and prepared, and having to be on top of the crews' general health whilst making sure we were wrapping on time so we can get to our next location. like!!! i really wanna believe i did well. but i also know i made some mistakes bc the miscommunication between me and my co-worker was so, so bad. and it just.... it left me so scarred.

and i kept thinking, you know. it's me. if i wasn't such a bitch, maybe this wouldn't have happened. but i also know logically its just honestly horrible miscommunication, and it was both our first experience on a back-to-back travelling documentary (hes like,,, 35+ male btw). and my co-worker and i did sit down and talked it through, but i still.... i left that meeting for some reason, like. not the same. like idk how to say it. i got home, and i had one of the most awful breakdown i've ever had. (like, to the point i got nervous trying to pick out a shirt to wear bc i didnt know how to dress myself.)

long story short, ever since i quit my job (ive been unemployed since jan 2023), i have not touched my computer for almost two months. i was so genuinely scared of it. making rhea in late february i think was like, the first courage i had to open up my laptop, and i'm so happy i did, and i'm so happy the friends i did gather here were welcoming as hell. you guys will have no idea how much everyday you guys encouraged me to do something else besides just.. mourning for my fate. i got motivation again to create because i'm writing with many of you. but the thing is... i've been trying to apply for jobs but i cannot do it. i can't. i can't open my email. i can't open my whatsapp. it terrifies me!!! and i don't know what to do, because i want to have a job, i want to keep moving forward, i don't want to always be afraid, but i am!!!!! i am!!! and im so sick of it!!!!

i want my parents to be proud of me again!!!! i had so much potential and i was so smart and i was so bright, i graduated with honours and 3.8 CGPA, and now what am i!!!! im none of those things!!!!! i feel like all i am are my mistakes!!!! and im so frustrated!!!!! and i want to get my shit together so i can provide for my sister and i can go out and eat with my friends!!!! but my god, even waking up sometimes is so, so hard. anyways .... i know this is long, but - if you're wondering why i'm slow atm, this is why! bc im rlly hoping i'll get a job by april :(( i'm okay though. i just. i need to let this out somewhere.

thank u for reading. rant is over :')

#GENERAL: OUT OF CHARACTER.#so ....... its me? hi? im the problem its me?#but honestly .................... i just wanna find that courage again. thats all.#being terrified all the time is so scary. would NOT recommend

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fonulyn · 3 years

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So I'm reading this sad Chreon story - as one does (it's me, I'm one) - and I just had the weirdest epiphany? Like, I dunno, it's probably dumb and far from a hot take or some eye opening character analysis no one has done before but I noticed that people (including myself, so like not saying this in any kind of bad way) tend to write Leon as stand offish, apathetic, and cold. Like this story stated it specifically, said something along the lines of "this is what Leon gets for cultivating a reputation for being unapproachable, apathetic, and indifferent" and the insinuation there is that he's done this on purpose, put on this front to seem unaffected by things when in the presence of others, and I think it's pretty true for his character. Like anything post RE2, Leon is kind of. I dunno, I wanna say deadpan? He seems to express v little emotion, and when he does it's usually in the form of a quip, one-liner, or snarky come back. Sometimes awkward small talk lol. But it feels like he's built this wall, this persona around himself, not just to protect himself from losing more people (bc he probably sees it as some kind of inevitability, and with his track record I certainly wouldn't blame him), but to protect people from him. This poor man has spent so long fighting, trying to save people, and even tho he saves the day in the end, so many people get lost in the process, and Leon feels every single loss personally. Right off the bat we see it every time someone dies in RE2, then again in RE4 with Luis, who he knew for a short period of time and yet mourned so heavily for, and even Krauser to an extent. Leon is someone who is quick to trust, even as he gets older, and we see that in RE Vendetta, too. Like that's probably one of the big reasons he's so devastated after losing his team. Not only was he entrusted with a group (which doesn't happen often, as far as we have seen), but he probably put his trust in them as well, including Petrucio, the man who betrayed them. I just think Leon is such a complex character who hides so much of himself (which is convenient for bad writers at Capcom who can't write good dialogue to save their lives lmao, but I also think it's a decent part of his character now), probably so what happened in RE2 doesn't happen again. Bc that shit was probably so traumatizing, and Leon was still a baby! I'm only a year older then he was at the time of RE2 but like, as humans our brains don't finish growing until age 25, so that kind of trauma at that age is for sure gonna stick with you, and it seems he picked up some unhealthy coping mechanisms from it that's more than just his drinking problem. Anyways I guess I just wanted to rant about how Leon is the most "emotionless" character in RE but in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe. He's such a tragic character and I love him so goddamn much, like he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way. Selfless, capable, dependable, reliable, smart, passionate, caring. And some of this might be my own character building I've done based off of other headcanons and character analysis posts and stories I've seen, but I do think we see a lot of this in the canon content, too. I just really love Leon S Kennedy, okay? He makes me sad but also so so happy and I love him v much, he is a big time comfort character for me. Sorry for the rant, just needed to scream about this with someone who would understand lol 😅

oh anon, I get you, I dooo. I think that you're right in that Leon has kind of this shell around himself because it's the only way he can cope. but there are so many cracks in his shell, and he lets people in so readily even when it would stand to reason that he shouldn't trust anyone anymore. he gets attached to people lightning fast, and he'd die for them even when he's barely met them.

this borders on headcanon territory, definitely, but I tend to often write him as someone who gets attached easily and falls for people easily (be it friendship or romantic or anything), but then he doesn't know how to properly let people in because he's got his defense mechanisms, he's trying to keep himself from breaking, and what if he truly lets someone past those walls and then another disaster strikes and he never recovers from it?

and I think it shows a lot in how he's so awkward with small talk, he can throw in one-liners and dad jokes and try to keep his own (and anyone else's) spirits up with that. but oh man. beyond that? the boy doesn't know how to naturally talk to people. (even like in Infinite Darkness, with Claire, I think his "don't do anything stupid" was 100% meant to be a joke, both times, but it just didn't exactly land perfectly. poor awkward bby)

but like even though he might put up this unaffected front, he's still so very expressive? like... if you really pay attention to him? he's far from actually an expressionless and cold person. he just isn't very loud about it. (i was just going through ID screencaps yesterday and while Shen May is talking and Leon is on the background, he goes through such a journey in expressions alone :'D)

AND HE CARES. like, for example in Infinite Darkness, he sees Patrick is shaken and the first possible moment he has, he immediately asks him if he's okay and takes a moment to reassure him. they're in a hurry, he's supposed to get going and not check up on a guy he's never even met before, but he does it anyway. and I think it speaks a lot of his character. he's quick to offer support and comfort, and he genuinely tries to be there for others the best he can. he desperately needs someone to listen to him in turn, seriously. give him emotional support, damnit.

and I wanna highlight what you said:

in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe.

because yes. 100%. also this:

he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way.

like. yes. there was this one meme thing going around which was basically like asking if you feel like you're like your favorite character and I'm just. I fucking wish I was one tenth of what he is :'D

I know not even he is perfect, c'mon, no such thing as perfect people exist (not even in fiction, or if they do then they'd be really damn boring :'D). i'm not trying to claim he has no flaws, or that he never does anything wrong. he has and he does. but the amount of genuine caring he shows and how hard he tries to do the right thing? truly awe inspiring.

i just. I'm right there with you. I love him so damn much. and that's why I spend most of my time writing fic where he gets at least some of that happiness he deserves :'D i need him taken care of, damnit, and if canon doesn't give him good things then i damn sure will.

#whenever you want to talk about him anon #i'm right here for you :D #i love him so much #so muchhhh #anonymous #ask and i shall answer #re answers #leon s kennedy #long post

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lonely--seeker · 2 years

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Gave myself the task to rank the strawhats from my fav to the less favs, because honestly they're all faves.

Trying to put aside any thirst i have that is, I'll try to rank them in order of how much they make me feel. So watch out for the rant.

#1 Sanji

To nobody's surprise, we kin him ofc we do, I love him, i hate him, and i wouldn't have it any other way. It never fails to amaze me the fact that he is one of the strongest in the crew yet he knows what it feels like to be the weakest, and he is also one of the kindest people around at the same time he knows not everyone should be deserving of such kindness. Pretty much checks all my likes and single handed added a bunch of them!

#2 Luffy

Now he would be #1 if Sanji wasn't so emotionally rooted in me, I can't even start to explain Luffy is the best character to ever exist and i would die for him, he's both the kind of friend i wish I had and the one i wish I could be. Looking at him an make me feel better in a heartbeat.

#3 Brook.

I just can't… Not cry everytime I watch the scene in which he explains his past and just breaks… "I'm so glad to be alive!" It gives me goosebumps. it's a simple yet powerful sentence and i keep repeating it on my head "I'm so glad to be alive, I'm so glad to be alive…" That's right... In the end he ended up meeting the Strawhats, I- the fact he is very joyfull most of the time, and the little quirky things he does make me feel that's his way of coping and it breaks my heart further… Really this shouldn't be allowed, but i will root for this man to keep enjoying his life… although he's already dead!?

#4 Usopp

Oh boy, he is perhaps the second most human to me after Sanji. And he doesn't gets the recognition he deserves for being SO brave, i would like to have the balls to sail on a ship headed for a path full of danger that most probably would end in death and just for the sake of following your dream and having adventures? Having to bear the burden of feeling helpless because you're not strong enough? This bad boy can fit so much insecurities inside him. Anyways his growth hasn't been so flashy, but we love him exactly for the way he is and the long way he has come ^^ with my whole heart.

#5 Robin

Probably noticed my uhm… tendency for tragic pasts uh, but yeah the "I want to live" made me cry an amount i never thought i could, girl you deserve so much to be happy, you literally did nothing wrong and everyone who hurt you shall burn in hell forever. She would be higher considering it's a more brutal and lonely past, but honestly i like to think she got closure overall, i don't know… i still love her an insane amount.

# 6 Zoro

I LOVE Zoro, from his simplicity, to his bluntness to his oh so strong will of becoming stronger to his tiddies i wish I was more like him… not, not the tiddies part but working hard everyday for my dreams, i also love the gender equality that he has going on in his single braincell head, overall a character full of strong meaning but that easily stumbles on his way and that kinda bothers me… My feelings towards him are mostly bc he Is enjoyable, and feels like a friend that would never judge me so yeah, emotional support Marimo, come get yours.

#7 Franky

He gives me cool dad/Uncle vibes and i live for that, he is a dork, enjoyable and yeah quirky but he is such a nice guy sometimes! Like for real i live for the dad vibes this man gives, his history is really good too, the topic about weapons is very interesting but it also feels left behind and didn't struck me directly in a soft nerve like the others, i would love to see more of him!

#8 Chopper

Now I've been kind of being annoyed by chopper somehow lately, but his arc was also a big emotional wrecker to me, i cry everytime I CRY ALWAYS...i am crying…. So i give him that, i liked him way better pre timeskip, and i get he is the youngest but he could grow up a little bit.

#9 Nami

I would love to rank her higher but i just can't, actually i feel she should be lowest but… I really want to like her, i really would like her to be my favourite, really, but sometimes she just doesn't clicks with me even with how great she is, and much as chopper i think she's been kind of left out of growth? But not in a way she feels flat, she just feels left behind </3

#10 Jimbe

I like him, yes, but i still haven't found my exact feelings for him, i need to get to know him better maybe? He looks very nice and gentle, squishy…. Friend shaped… dad fish… Being honest his history didn't caught my attention, although the whole story of the Gyojin island is ;; simply amaizing ;; there's nothing that's specifically from him that i can pinpoint rn, I just really wanna see him around the Strawhats tho, watch him put up with his antics

#me blabbering #i could go into heavy detail abt most of them #and i feel like they deserve it #but i wont right now #one piece

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avenger-hawk · 3 years

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Hey hawk, did you observe a pattern among people who participate in Woke-ism culture, they seem to have similar "traits" and "personality"? Dislike the "straight" orientation (usually identify themselves as gay/lesbian/bi and brags they are LGBT every second), they seem to think gender identity is a personality trait etc therefore "I'm holier than thou because I list myself as she/he/they/it". I bet they are gonna scream at me for being whatever "phobic" just because of this post lol

*clears throat* yeah they gonna scream at you but they can’t scream at me because it’s been a year that I am in an lgbt relationship soooo xD

Ofc I noticed this kind of behavior, these woke ppl really like be ‘different’ and tbh the thing I find more irritating is when they define themselves ‘autistic’ or ‘asperger’ or ‘adhd’ whathever other mental illness/condition, because these are serious things that should be diagnosed by a specialist and not an online tests, and usually ppl who have a real problem are not so incredibly vocal about it. Sure they don’t brag with it....”but I don’t have money to take a test and my parents don’t let me!” they say? yeah. could be. but it also could be that you just wanna look special and since you’re socially anxious or shy or just a b*tch, you like to play rude and then justify yourself with those labels, and if someone dares tell you you’re a piece of shit you can call them ableist lol

Same for race or country. Not taking anything away from populations/countries/cultures/religions that have been oppressed, but sometimes I cringe cause some ppl try so hard to fit in this. Like, at some point 99% of populations were invaded by others and oppressed, and I’m sorry for welsh ppl, to just name one (no offense it’s the first that came to my mind cause I read a post recently lol) but if this continues we’re gonna have to seek justice for the victims of the vikings’ raids lolol

Anyway, back to what you were saying. I partly get that lgbt ppl are vocal about what they are bc maybe they can’t tell their families or friends, and they use social media as outlets. but like you said, your personality is not defined by who you f*ck and/or love (It’s not even defined by the fiction you like, actually, but they think so). So while I understand ppl describe themselves in their profile and specify their gender identity and sexuality, for me it’s cringey when they take it too far. Like when they start with all the labels ever, or they make combinations...demisexual panromantic/asexual demiromantic/trans nonbinary aroace spectrum...sounds like a competition of who’s less ordinary. Bonus points if they also add race and illness. Bonus points if they pretend they’re experts and activist and they shit on ppl who ship something or speak of top/bottom bc they’re fetishizing gay mlm/wlw and how dare they, dirty cishets (cause Anon, straight is a too banal word lol).

(also...not to offend ‘aroace’ ppl out there but...when someone is like 12...couldn’t it be that they’re just...too young for caring about sex/love? asking for a friend lolol)

I mean, tumblr has a lot of lgbt ppl and it’s cool, and I know it’s hard to live as an lgbt person cause you can’t do what het ppl do normally, like kissing in public or holding hands or writing cute posts on fb bc someone might bitch or be even worse, so this creates a bitterness and aggressiveness on social media I guess, especially here where minorities are the majority lol. And I too, on my personal blog, occasionally ranted about things like internalized homophobia and queerbaiting, but only very rarely lol and no one paid attention to me, guess I am not lgbt enough hahahah

But, it’s stupid to use sexuality labels as a shield to shit on ppl and then call them --phobic when they react. It actually happened to me a couple of years ago, I wrote something about bottom Sasuke and this self defined aromantic+asexual+autistic+gay american dude attacked me for fetishizing gays. Back then I was in a relationship with a guy so for him I was only a boring straight person I guess, a gross fujoshi who dared like mlm haha. fuck him. If I were the same type of person as him I would have pulled the oppressed card, I could have attacked him reminding him that his country treated italian immigrants like animals, and that they had this veeeery big problem of being unsure about our ‘race’ so in their papers they often wrote ? cause they couldn’t understand if we were poc or not...but it would have been kinda off topic and I cartainly don’t waste time talking about me to ppl I don’t even trust to be what they say.

Also because I was raised by parents who were very politically involved, so I remember them doing activism, like, getting out of the house, going to protests, doing volunteering, even taking me along when I was little. So even tho now everything happens online first, and even tho posts can spread awareness and change ppl’s minds, I still don’t trust when I see those blogs full of angry woke activism, because they seem fake and even those ppl seem fake. It’s easy to scream for justice from a keyboard, in a comfortable house. It’s less easy to protest in the cold, risking to have problems with the police, the government, the pandemic, whatever else.

It’s irritating that wokies want to take the right to like smth in the right way or whatever, telling everyone else who don’t fit in the minority group that they can’t like the thing. Idk, I just wish ppl were like in Eastern Asian fandoms, not making everything about themselves, being open minded enough for whatever ‘different’ thing whether they are into it or not, and if they’re not ignoring it only.

And I do get wanting to fit the minority, as a teenager I was veery punk/gothic, depending on the moment, and I never fit in the majority opinions or habits anyway. And I was kind of fluid with my identity and sexuality, but silly me, I kept it for myself, even tho I discussed with those who insulted lgbt ppl and I wrote stuff where everyone is bisexual by default, thinking that it was how people were born before society conditioned them...I could have bragged but I had no idea about ‘fluid’ or ‘pan’, silly me.

I am so irritated at everything, like the words they use, even the english language that is not mine, is getting on my nerves because it’s the vehicle for their crap, but these periodically trending words are disgusting like these ppl to me.

I migth have gone out of topic again lol.

#replies &co #fanon and fandom stuff #kinda #lol this gonna make me lose followers #couldn't care less I hate fake ppl #Anonymous

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