#anxiety fueled mania

[piastriblogging]

Charlos hehe

i feel like. so not normal about charlos. i desire being a leading charlos scholar but also I've been staring at this ask for HOURS just like. idk what to say they make me want to scream and throw things and become the woman in the yellow wallpaper and walk into the sea. obviously none of that is something that i can make sense of.

TO ME charlos are the ULTIMATE teammate duo. they are obsessed with each other. they are self described FRIENDS. they care about each other in a real personal way. they like. genuinely have a lot in common. BUT ALSO they are driving for FERRARI and that means TEAM DYNAMICS and. GOD i don't have TIME to unpack this can of worms. like.... they get along but also charles will give an interview implying that the team screwed him trying to give carlos a better car and carlos will say he is WDC material and his team will talk about how the team is screwing carlos because they don't want him to win.

and nikki u know im a carlos fucker so i have to talk about how depressed he is like he drives for ferrari and thinks he's the greatest ever but also he dissociates at work and has to convince himself its a good thing he's on this team and -- HOW does Charles play into THAT...

THEY PLAY ONLINE CHESS TOGETHER. FOR FUN. THEY COMPETE 24/7.

basically what im saying is that there is something wrong in my brain where they are basically the only thing i can think about and NONE of it makes SENSE and RED IS THE STRANGEST PAIN TO BEAR and LECLERC IS BOYISH, ENTHUSIASTIC. SAINZ IS MORE MODEST AND SLIGHTLY BRUSHED WITH MELANCHOLY. and TO LOVE SOMEONE IS TO FIRST CONFESS I AM PREPARED TO BE DEVASTATED BY YOU and NOW FINALLY MAYBE IM WINNING EVEN IF IT JUST LOOKS LIKE MY FINGERS ARE SHAKING and SOMEBODY TO LIE IN THE DARK WITH. SOMEBODY'S HANDS TO TOUCH and ITS ALL LANGUAGE OF POSSESSION THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELFISHNESS AND LOVE IS WHO GETS TO WALK AWAY FROM WHAT and

#ik my paper is due soon but i needed a quick itty bitty mental break and this wasn't it but i needed to do it #dont tell anyone but TO ME charlos are what everybody seems 2 think sebchal was #IDK IF ANY OF THIS MAKES SENSE I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND THROW MYSELF OFF THE BRIDGE #sorry this is fueled by a manic state #sharky who made you the charlos authority my mania obviously #im sorry to everyone who is real and serious and has good thoughts im just crazy #this isnt even any of my GOOD charlos thoughts (i have them i swear) #my anxiety is making me physically sick im sorry #ship asks #charlos

[aries-writingblog]

What A Heavenly Way to Die

Summary: What a heavenly way to die? What a time to be alive? Because forever is in your eyes, but forever ain’t half the time…

Pairing: Jason Todd x reader

Word count: 912

Warnings: lot of religion probably bordering sacrilegious in this one, oops but not oops, some suggestive content, tiny portion of language

AN: little short one today but probably one of my favorites, also I didnt proofread so if there’s any mistakes, no there isn’t

Quite simply put, Jason Todd was a morning person. He enjoyed meeting dawn as she stretched and played over the landscape. Golden light bathing everything she touched. Fresh dew and a soft breeze, leading a thrilled renaissance through grasses and trees. Whisking inconsequential matters to the side. The quiet moments of serendipity, meditative and peaceful.

He liked the warmth of the sheets— the feel of skin pressed to his. Encasing his body in the thick atmosphere of secure bliss. Holding her figure close against his own, shielding her from the night’s chilling touch.

He liked morning.

She never woke at the same time he did. Mornings usually meant Jason had extra time to gaze down at her face, unblemished by smile or frown lines. Or worry, anxiety. Nothing of the sort existed so early.

He could simply stare. Gaze in awe at the beauty lying with her head against his chest. Bask in her glowing presence. Pray that he wouldn’t wake her while he admired.

While he worshipped. Attended a lonesome mass to lay affections at her feet, laving lingering kisses up her ankle, taking the long path to her lips. Over the velvet skin of her body.

Jason exhaled gently— careful in his actions. Careful to not rouse her from her sleep. His body had other intentions as a loud growl echoed from the cavern of his belly.

Damn.

He had hoped to lay there with her a while longer.

Things would only get worse if he stayed there— louder and more compromising. Besides, if he was waking up hungry (which was always), she would be too.

Pulling himself reluctantly from the warmth of the bedsheets, Jason ensured she stayed asleep. No stealth mission or undercover agent could ever compete with the covert, silent movements of the beast of a man who was hellbent on keeping his goddess asleep.

He spared a glance over his shoulder, a smile gracing his lips. Sunlight caressing her as she slept, tucked away and cocooned in warmth.

One of the rare sunny days in Gotham.

Trekking down the hallway, Jason began his morning routine. Checking the windows, brushing his teeth while checking the spare room converted weapons stash for anything unusual.

Then he started on breakfast.

One of his favorite past-times (other than YN of course).

He knew that he would be teased endlessly, if any of his friends were there to witness his endeavors.

How he doted on her. How he would leave barely there kisses to her lips, only to sink to his knees and lay aggressive love bites to her thighs. To leave marks across her neck.

Only to shake himself from the reviere hours later, sweat laden and pressed to her bare chest; Shake himself to take gentle care of her aching body.

To cradle her against him for the come down— to watch the sunset in the windows of his Church.

How he would be teased and mocked— made a fool of— for his actions.

But there he was: The Arkham Knight, Red Hood, Robin, making breakfast.

The same hands that once choked life from collapsing esophaguses, ripped beating hearts out of gaping chest cavities, fired hollow tip bullets into arteries and foreheads. Leaving mutilation and dark ink as footsteps, encroached on the lives of so many.

Those same hands now dropped blueberries into pancake batter, made freshly squeezed juice. Knife skills that were once fueled by mania; Wide sweeping cuts, meant to pierce flesh and slice deep. Now made precise incisions on fruit.

Such juxtaposition to menial, domestic tasks that it was almost laughable.

But peaceful.

Peace. He’d known nothing of the sort in this strange land of after death. Until her.

The catalyst to his healing, the process that Dick and Roy began all those years ago. The one she helped finish.

A soft, sleepy noise from down the hallway turned Jason’s attention to the vacant space. His cursed eyes lifted in time to witness the sun rise— her brilliance nearly melting the decorations from the walls as she entered through the doorway.

Her warmth bled into his bones as she neared; Arms wrapping around his neck, hands threaded through his hair.

A whispered good morning, breathed out between feather kisses against his mouth.

Scarred hands trailed up her hips, accepting her greeting in stride. Keeping careful watch of how close she moved to the stove.

For all her grace and beauty, she was far less agile and dexterous than she appeared. With her sleep mussed hair and lines still pressed to her face from sleep. She must’ve drooled at some point during the night, as a line of it dried against the corner of her mouth. Her pajamas— just one of his own shirts and her underwear— wrinkled and in disarray.

Beautiful.

She tucked into his side, keeping close to his warmth. Jason kept his arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders, using his free hand to finish breakfast.

She traced light patterns against his bare shoulder blade; Her head cushioned on the soft muscle of his pectoral— the abrasion of his autopsy scar against her cheekbone.

Her lips left a gentle kiss to the marred flesh. Unafraid of his past. Unconcerned of everything, but the steady beat in his rib cage.

Because for as much as he worshiped her, she returned without adversary. Without flinching.

While he attended mass for repentance, praising his angel, she attended her church of the wicked, laying claim to the damned.

#jason todd x f!reader #jason todd x y/n #jason todd x you #jason todd x fem!reader #jason todd x yn #jason todd fluff #jason todd x reader #jason todd fanfiction #jason todd fic

[sapphorror]

there are four guys in your head. one is megalomaniacal space alien with delusions of grandeur. one is an obsessively tortured nerd with untreated anxiety and a debilitating underdog complex. one is a misanthropic gamer fueled solely by rage and hedonism. one is a literal trash robot only there to perpetually generate mania and unpredictable mayhem. all of them are unlikable little freaks. none of them have made a reasonable decision in their entire lives. this is balance. this is the human condition.

#natterings #invader zim #im joking but at the same time not #because to be perfectly fucking honest #these four idiots make up a concerningly accurate and comprehensive summary of my emotional profile #do with that information what you will #iz posting

[thelastbookholder]

Mania: You need to do this and you need to do it right now.

Anxiety: I agree. Not gonna stop fueling my buddy until you do.

Me: I'm up to progress for the time frame though! Please just let me sleep already it's 2:30am!

Mania: Okay but being AHEAD of schedule means you can rest tomorrow if you need to. Anxiety and I have decided that not enough has been done.

Me: I've taken so many pills to sleep finally that my stomach hurts. Please stop

Mania & Anxiety: no :)

#mania #manic #can't sleep #why am I like this #help #help me #please help #stress #I can't take it anymore #trying but dying lmao #Pls help

[sandersidesbigbang]

French Kiss

Rating: Mature

Pairings: Not all romantic relationships are mutual, and some are background/past/future

Primary: Loceit, Dukeceit/Demus,

Background: Royalty (may be platonic)

Possible hints at other legal pairings

Summary/Excerpt:

A stilted string melody assaulted Janus’ ears before he’d even passed the guards and set a toe on the grand staircase. The twin princes' Versailles renovations included steep, rickety stairs leading to the vestibule, forcing unsteady guests to sweat and huff their way up. Then, trembling with anxiety and exertion from their climb, they were left on full display as they teetered down wide, curved steps with an uneven rise before reaching the red and green marble dance floor below.

Logan’s research had prepared him for the twin’s sadistic design and he walked with confidence. Resplendent in his ‘borrowed’ heavy silk brocade breeches and cloak, Janus was the picture of courtly elegance.

With a fanfare, gilded ceiling-high doors opened and the light of several dozen lanterns poured into the dark ballroom. Two figures of identical height and silhouette appeared, framed by the bright, flickering glow. Backlit, it was nearly impossible to distinguish between the two, only the slight twitchiness to one brother’s movements a clue that he might be the elder brother, the crown prince.

Their voices rang out in unrehearsed unison. “Isn’t this meant to be a celebration?” The court’s musicians took their cue and launched a raucous tune, guests moving to the music in ways certain to make Bishop Jeanne blush at Sunday’s confession.

The Princes had arrived.

AUTHOR

@edupunkn00b I live to write. Unfortunately I do not write to live, so my stories are fueled by caffeine, mania, and a completely normal level of emotional attachment to these characters.

BETAS

@logans-library887

@dragonsaphirareads

ARTISTS

@8beez What is there not to love? Royalty, incredible outfits, so exciting!

 @to-junipterandmars I'm Jun and if i see 'Royalty AU' I'm like a fly to honey

#thomas sanders big bang #thomas sanders sides big bang 2022 #thomas sanders sides big bang #sanders sides #tssbb 2022 #promo posts

[gravy-killerz]

Ziltoid lore rabbit hole

(with evidence)

SPOILERS

Oh lord Jesus....get ready.

I was thinking about the line:

"Theres more you have in common with humans than you realize...think back to your childhood, you must know how I know!" [1]

Specifically, I focused on:

"Theres more you have in common with humans than you realize..." [1]

Like the fool that I am I misinterpreted it as meaning Ziltoid was half human, and I was very wrong. However, by thinking about this I made a realization. Yes, Captain Spectacular is half ziltoidian. WOW GENIUS I KNOW.

All sarcasm aside there's more behind this when you take into consideration that Captain Spectacular and Ziltoid had a childhood together, but the fact that. Ziltoid doesn't remember means that he was taken from his mother and half brother when he was still very young, young enough to forget, still young enough to be assimilated into the Ziltoidian hive mind.

(( btw we know Ziltoid is full ziltoidian because of this image via www.ziltoid.com [2] we also know this is him as a baby because when clicking the photograph ziltoid exclaims "MOMMY"))

I think this time spent around humans greatly effected how Ziltoid would develop, he couldn't be fully assimilated because he was born on earth away from it all, around humans. It all makes sense now... he was raised on earth by a mother who wanted to protect him from his father.

In the beginning of Z2 the narration says:

"Humans are a strange species, equal parts good to evil."

Ziltoid is unlike other ziltoidians because he's already been influenced by humanity. He's not a barbarian, he's sensitive.

"Back home, I was picked on like you wouldn’t believe. Sheesh, what a bunch of dicks those guys are. I was sensitive, in a race of creatures that view sensitivity as a liability. ‘Chaos and war as the path to transcendence’ and all that… yaddayaddayadda. I found myself craving silence and beauty over time.." - Ziltoid

[3] Devin Townsend: the Gospel according to Ziltoid By Merlin Alderslade ( Metal Hammer ) published October 09, 2016

The collective suspects Ziltoid to go rogue because of his individuality, which is why they keep an eye on him. They know he's been influenced by earth, so who better to conquer it?

Why choose Ziltoid as the one to save their species if they don't trust him? Surely there's others more suitable for the job, and if Ziltoid is so untrustworthy why is he the commander of a Ziltoidian war ship? I'll tell you why...because his father is high up in the ranks, possibly The Ziltoidian King, making Ziltoid a prince.

"What makes you jump to that conclusion?" you might ask. "What's your proof he's even royalty?"

[4] Liner notes from Ziltoidia Attaxx!!

This would make sense why a "nerd" and "weakling" like Ziltoid would be placed in such a high rank with such an important task. He's royalty, and as royalty he has a specific role to fill and along with that role comes privileges.

So far we've concluded that Captain Spectacular is half ziltoidian, Ziltoid's mom remained on earth with his half brother, Ziltoid has been influenced and softened by humanity, and that his father is a more than likely a king.

Now, let's talk about Ziltoid’s father.

We only know a little about Ziltoid’s mom, we know that Ziltoid is a mama's boy as mentioned here:

"I am a puppet, and my mommy’s little guy. Ziltoid out."

[Refer to source 3]

And on the Z2 Official Website he happily calls out "Mommy!" When you select the family portrait, despite the father also being in the photo.

Ziltoid never mentions his father, however we know someone had to have taken him back to Ziltoidia 9 and we know it wasn't his mother. I propose a theory:

Ziltoid's father is the true villain of the story. Yes, I'm calling it.

[ Refer to source 1]

[Captain Spectacular:] I have something here from our mother! And she wanted you to have it. This is the universe’s ultimate coffee bean!

[Ziltoid:] Woah! Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!

[Captain Spectacular:] Ziltoid, you were always destined to be humanity’s last hope! Now end this!

From here we can see that Captain Spectacular has remained with their mother on earth, and knew Ziltoid would return to save it, which is why she had Captain Spectacular wait for Ziltoid to return to give it to him.

We see Ziltoid as a baby with both his biological parents [2], so how did Ziltoid have a childhood with his human half brother on earth?

Ziltoid's mother must've been a rogue like he later became. She had to have left the collective where she traveled to earth with her newborn son. Why would she do that unless there was a threat? That's because there was.

Ziltoid's mother and father both knew that Ziltoid would be humanity's last hope, so his mother fled to earth knowing earth needed him, and knowing her husband would try to change Ziltoid's destiny so that he would wipe out humanity to make room for their own species.

[Blattaria:] So you're saying, his home planet is dying? … And he needs to find a suitable place to colonize? [5]

Who else would have the power to track down a singular rogue Ziltoidian woman and her baby? Who would feel the need to other than the father of the child? Who would have the authority to go to earth just to reclaim a single Ziltoidian baby, when the threat of intergalactic war, or being discovered by humans is real? The Ziltoidian King, Ziltoid’s father.

We know that Ziltoid was raised alongside Captain Spectacular, but since Ziltoid left Ziltoidia 9 with his mother, that makes Ziltoid the older brother; but probably not by much considering they were children together.

Considering Ziltoid's mom had another child on earth with a human we can assume she was planning on staying. She stayed, however we know Ziltoid didn't, because we know he'd become a commander in the Ziltoidian military, and we know that before Captain Spectacular died, Ziltoid didn't remember his childhood on earth, and his ties to humanity.

To conclude this... whatever it is...I've discovered a whole lot of hidden lore and possibly uncovered future installments to the Ziltoid series (or not).

I dunno, I'm very autistic and very tired. I wrote this on like 2 or 3 hours of sleep.

If you have any possible lore I'd love to see it in the reblogs.

Sources:

[1] Through The Wormhole - Devin Townsend

[2] Z2 Official Website

[3] Devin Townsend: the Gospel according to Ziltoid By Merlin Alderslade ( Metal Hammer ) published October 09, 2016

[4] Ziltoid The Omniscient - Ziltoidia Attaxx!! (If you have the cd you have your proof page 3)

[5] War Princess - Devin Townsend

#ziltoid #devin townsend #ziltoid the omniscient #prog metal #anxiety fueled mania #special interest #im on to something i know i am #zto #z2 dark matters #theories #lore #ziltoid lore

[souryogurt64]

begging for an analysis post of heavens gate especially the patrick themes i’ve been thinking about that song so much please

i think the song is pretty straightforward— expressing anxiety about being a bad person and going to hell when someone you love a lot who loves you back is obviously going to heaven, and sort of likening it to a vip party or concert, which is something pete does a lot that i like. i would say mania is the most overtly religious fob album but theres a lot of religious angst in p much every fob album except maybe eowyg and futct.

i wouldnt say the song or the album are 100% about patrick as i do think pete writes about girls a lot, but i think it really fits how back in the day patrick was the only who cleaned up petes messes and intervened in his drama and how word on the street is that generally even people pete terrorized really loved patrick.

the original greek definition of mania was: “the type of love that can lead a person to jealousy and anger. Mania can make people very afraid of losing their partner and force them to do crazy things to maintain the relationship.” pete has bipolar and if youve read his book, i can really see him identifying with this definition and it inspiring the album, as well as other aspects of mania like feeling immortal and unkillable and on top of the world.

i also feel like the song deals with being totally high on someone else to the point of self destruction like a lot of the rest of the album, and when he talked about the album on zach sang he talked about how it deals with how mania starts out fun and happy and becomes really crazy and violent and dangerous very quickly.

the song is also a reference to a cult where everyone killed themselves at the end, and i feel like thats fitting for a toxic relationship and his writing in general, and how being in a band with someone you love and getting super famous can fuel mania and delusions

[suometar]

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

#bipolar disorder #bipolar #bipolar mania #coping skills #mental health tips #thoughts from the crypt #long post

[emeraldspiral]

Nobody was asking, but yall are gonna get my sad TF2 Pyro headcanons anyway.

For starters, I don’t think Pyro literally thinks they’re handing out lollipops and blowing bubbles and rainbows when they’re killing people. I think if that were the case, they’d be spreading “joy” around to their own team, not just the enemy team. I think Pyro is simply a pyromaniac. Pyromania isn’t especially well studied, but what little study there is suggests that it’s an impulse control disorder that may arise as a form of stress relief. The “mania” part comes into play when it escalates to feelings of euphoria caused by starting fires. So my interpretation of Pyroland is that it’s a representation of how Pyro feels when they’re burning things. Pyromania often develops early, though isn’t usually diagnosed until around age 18. Pyromania, like kleptomania and other impulse control disorders, is often associated with ADHD, abuse, neglect, anxiety, and mood disorders like depression.

With all that in mind, the backstory I’ve constructed for Pyro is that they’re Irish and AFAB, though they don’t care what gender their perceived as or what pronouns people use. They would probably identify as non-binary today, but they aren’t aware of it as a concept at the time TF2 takes place. Pyro’s first name is Edna (Ed for short), which means “little fire” or “fire kernel”. Under the mask, they have short, choppy, red hair, and freckles and a smattering of burn scars, though nothing as bad as the TFC Pyro’s. They are the youngest of the Mercs, even younger than Scout, being only 19 at the time they were recruited, and 23 as of 1972.

Pyro went to a strict Catholic school where they struggled to learn and fit in with their peers due to undiagnosed ADHD. They were often bullied by their classmates and berated and punished by their parents and teachers for poor grades and “inappropriate” behavior. Pyro started playing with lighters as a pre-teen. At age 12, they started burning homework assignments, textbooks, and library books due to frustration with their learning difficulties. At age 13, they got revenge on a girl who’d bullied them by lighting her hair on fire with a candle they were holding during a prayer service. At age 14, they finally snapped and burned down their childhood home, killing their abusive parents. Afterward, they spent a year in an orphanage, before burning it down, and another year imprisoned in a psychiatric institute before escaping by burning it down as well. Afterward, they were homeless for 3 years, during which time they terrorized the countryside with a string of arsons, mostly targeting schools, libraries, orphanages, and mental hospitals. Like the Sniper and probably a few other mercs, Pyro doesn’t really see what they’re doing as wrong because they view the institutions and people they destroy as evil, due to their bad experiences. They consider what they do a public service, mostly for the betterment of children’s lives. Their rampage actually forced the Irish government to shut down all orphanages in the country and replace them with a foster care system.

Pyro was recruited by Helen and Miss Pauling, who were impressed with their ability to evade capture for years as much as their willingness to do whatever they asked as long as it gave them an excuse to burn things.

Pyro wears their suit 24/7 to intentionally cultivate an intimidating, inhuman image so people won’t expect them to act a certain way. They were the last to receive an Uber surgery from the Medic because they didn’t want anyone to see who they really were underneath. Medic convinced them to go through with the surgery by swearing to maintain doctor/patient confidentiality.

Pyro latched onto the Engineer as a father-figure due to him showing them kindness and patience they never got from anyone else in their life. Engie didn’t treat them like they were stupid when he realized they could barely read and never got frustrated after taking it upon himself to help them learn. With Engie’s help, Pyro obtained a college degree, double-majoring in business and engineering, which is how they became such a success at Frontier Engineering.

Heavy’s fear of Pyro comes from seeing a lot of himself in them. It’s not that he thinks Pyro is a wildcard who can’t be trusted not to burn the base down on a whim. It’s more like he can tell that Pyro is fueled by a lot of rage and pain due to something dark in their past and, if you push the right buttons, is the most likely to go into the same insane blood-rage Heavy went into when he thought Medic was dead. And if you saw what they did to that bear, you’d know he wasn’t wrong.

#pyro #tf2 #pyro tf2 #tf2 pyro #team fortress 2 #pyro team fortress 2 #team fortress 2 pyro

[moviesrotbrains]

DANIEL ISN’T REAL... but I’m so very glad this film exists.

After dealing with increasing anxiety and fearing a grip on reality, a college freshman turns to his childhood imaginary friend for comfort and confidence boosting… only to realize that his much cooler and carefree pretend buddy has an unsettling violent darkness about him. Could Daniel possibly be something more than a figment of his imagination?

DANIEL ISN’T REAL is an utterly surreal fever dream, channeling the best in cosmic horror, body horror, and psychological horror while also taking a bold look at deeper issues. It comes from Elijah Wood’s SpectreVision imprint, the same company that gave us such gems as MANDY, A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, and COLOR OUT OF SPACE...  and this one’s right up there with those modern classics. And you can watch it now on SHUDDER!

Full review and some seriously kickass poster art below:

Directed by Adam Egypt Mortimer (and based on Brian DeLeeuw’s book, In This Way I Was Saved), DANIEL ISN’T REAL is a wonderfully fantastical ride through fucked up subject matter. It tackles mental illness, trauma, dual nature, identity, male toxicity, and empathy… with a good amount of Lovecraftian madness and trippy, yet terrifically disgusting Cronenberg-esque visuals thrown in for good measure.

It’s an engaging story too, about a young man, Luke, overwhelmed with life as his mother’s mental health condition worsens. He’s dealing with that on top of everything else college kids go through, lack of confidence, anxiety, etc. There’s also a fear of his own sanity. He keeps hallucinating and blanking out. His therapist suggests that maybe he should try to tap into that creativity he had as a child, where he’d regularly play for hours on end with his imaginary friend, “Daniel”. Only things got very weird and unsettling the last time he played pretend with his fictional playmate.

Once Daniel re-enters his life, things start to change. Luke’s mother issues get better. Luke suddenly feels more confident in life. Luke is finally doing well with girls. Luke’s getting creative again with photography... and all of his problems seem to go away… Only Daniel seems to want more credit and recognition. And Daniel seems to be getting angrier. And that’s when things get really fucking messed up.

This film is wonderfully acted by a mix of up-and-comers and veterans of the scene. Luke is played by Miles Robbins (HALLOWEEN 2018) and gives that immediate likeable and kind, yet also meek, portrayal that perfectly conveys what kind of a person that Luke is. There’s a lot of range in emotion in this performance, from hurt and confused to confident, to something else entirely. I always get a kick at seeing an actor completely flip their performance and style midway and totally embody something else, and this film has that and more.

Contrasting that likability and meekness is Daniel (played by Patrick Schwarzenegger, SCREAM QUEENS), the titular imaginary friend who’s pure Freudian Id. He’s cool, slick, charismatic, and always knows the right thing that Luke should say, or do, to get ahead. He’s helpful… when he wants to be… but he also has a lot of darkness. A scary darkness that seems to stem from… something else. Patrick excels when he taps into this dark alias. He’s evil as fuck. There’s a sinister glee in his manner. Epitome of “Chaotic Evil”. He’s such a great asshole. He really kicks it into gear when the audience fully know what we’re dealing with… 

Yet even then, nothing is over explained. And that’s the beauty of this film. There is no expository dialogue or wasted scene. Everything is laid out there and the actors just bring it. This film lives in a world of it’s own and the audience is a passenger for the unholy ride. It’s a very slick flick full of world building and the kind of outstanding performances that really make everything shine.

Rounding out the supporting cast is Luke’s troubled mother (veteran Mary Stuart Masterson, who powerfully played a similar and memorable role in BENNY & JUNE), Sasha Lane (HELLBOY) as the love interest, artist, and really, the heart and soul of the film, and Hannah Marks (DIRK GENTLY) as the other girl faced with Luke’s dark side. again, all perfectly played and perfectly cast, giving a much needed balance in this heavy film.

And it’s a very heavy film. The story was a deeply personal one for Mortimer (as he explained to us in 2019, when he brought the film to the Montreal FANTASIA film fest). The director drew from his own experiences from his youth, when a friend was similarly dealing with mental health issues. Mortimer had to help him, because his friend was “falling off the rails”, with no one around really helping him out, “not friends or professionals”. He talked of his friend’s life being in ruins, and how it just “spiraled off into mania”. 

That experience deeply impacted Mortimer. It was from this that Mortimer wanted to make a film about empathy and compassion for people going through severe mental illness issues. While Luke’s troubles stem from something more, the parallels are still there to people in real life going through non-otherworldy issues. The overall sense of helplessness, and a desire to be understood and taken seriously, is still there, and still a universal theme. Especially right now.

This film also tackles a lot more than just matters of wellness. Mortimer also wanted the film to deal with the “increasing danger” young men are in these days. “The Dangers they face and the danger many are to themselves”. 

Mortimer talked about them, “Living in a world where men have been driven insane by society. A society where many men are both the product and the villain of it.” A lot of this is seen on film when Luke battles for control with Daniel. Daniel representing that alpha and that Id. Luke grasping for control and trying to be that voice of compassion and reason. It’s a wonderful character study that is only heightened by the horror elements that come into play.

And yes, it’s an absolute horror fan’s delight and it’s visually stunning to boot, mixing psychological & psychedelic horror together. It felt like I was watching HELLRAISER again for the first time, but if that film was shoved in a blender with FIGHT CLUB, JACOB’S LADDER, and copious amounts of mind altering drugs. But comparing it to anything else does no justice to the wholly original eye-gasmic feast set before us. I keep saying this, but it truly is an utterly wonderful surreal fever dream. It’s so very layered and out there. 

It’s refreshing to see new films like this come about with something to say and looking as great as it does. Yes, this film looks very different from most things that are currently out there, with it’s violet texture throughout, and otherworldly feel. Mortimer, who came from a music video background, wanted his second feature to have a distinct look to it, saying that the “violet hue throughout had a very futuristic and contemporary colour about it”. He wanted to create the feeling of a manic episode, and overwhelm the viewer with colours and density. 

And he totally does. It’s such a beautiful looking film, and one you’ll definitely go back to just to soak in the wonderful hypnotic visuals. Much like MANDY, from the year before, DANIEL is a cinematic treat for your eyeballs.

And there’s also some deeply messed up visuals that mix in with that beauty. The FX on a whole are amazingly bizarre. There are visuals that are so jaw-droppingly good that you’ll permanently have them etched in your brain. It’s the kind of film where you’re watching and you immediately want to rewind and see that scene again.

From faces being merged into each other in a pink tentacled mess of VIDEODROME-esque flesh, to other visages literally being mangled like putty! Pure body terror. People crawling into other people’s mouths– I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil it. It’s icky and wonderful all at once.

And I can’t go on about the FX without mentioning the nightmarish and hellish creature design by Martin Astles (who also worked on the brutal and classic nightmare fuel that is EVENT HORIZON). The creature FX are so fucking out there, each very distinct and very memorable. The kind of things that if you confronted them in real life you’d be quick to claw them out your own eyes. 

One beast looks like a hellish death beast with a fleshy castle for a head-- an absolute architectural artifice. Mortimer said they attempted to convey that a whole universe was in its face, and it existed outside space and time. Another Face looking like piercing bullets poking through the flesh and protruding from his cheeks, like a moment frozen in time. They’re all so freakishly creative and disturbing. I can’t even describe them right. I’m not sure I want to, but they’re seared into my mind. Body Horror and Cosmic Horror at their best.

In addition to the visuals, this film also brings it on the sound design and score front. It’s got an incredible score by Warp Records act Clark. It contains synthy goodness along with manipulations of actual orchestral pieces. And it was Clark’s first time working on a film score, something Mortimer preferred. 

He wanted someone that wasn’t used to working on horror films, or films in general, so they’d throw everything they had into it from the get go. Mortimer told Clark to make it sound like Bernard Herrmann got stuck in some horrible industrial accident. A relentless sonic assault that tries to capture that same feel that Clint Mansell did with REQUIEM FOR A DREAM. The results are a superb original work of music that completely enhances and already spectacular looking film.

I was a fan of Mortimer’s SOME KIND OF HATE when I caught it six years ago at FANTASIA FEST, but DANIEL is an entirely different beast and next level filmmaking. He’s easily grown as a filmmaker and I’m totally on board to see more. I can’t wait to see what he tackles next, because DANIEL was easily one of my top Fantasia picks for 2019.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL is one of those dark films that will most likely be seen as a cult classic in a few years, right up there with DONNIE DARKO and movies of a similar ilk. It’s full of so much imagination and gusto, all while tackling important issues and core themes. All that and it remains highly watchable and engaging. It’ll satisfy any horror junkie while also winning over fans of thought provoking art. Daniel isn’t real, but I’m glad it exists.

-Theo Radomski, Movies Rot Brains 

Seriously how fucking awesome are these posters?  Why can’t more horror films hire the people that made these posters? Why can’t film in general hire these people to make better promo art? 

This article was previously seen on Mobtreal.com

#daniel isn't real #horror #horror movies #shudder #adan egypt mortimer #fever dream #surreal #film review #movies rot brains #horror films #body horror #psychological horror #thrillers #cronenberg #clark #bernard herrmann #lovecraftian #horror reviews #moviesrotbrains #reviews #great poster art #film posters #horror posters

[heavenlyborne]

Send “Look into my eyes” & My Muse will BOLD What They See!

“Drake. A fitting but unsurprisingly simple name...”

I see:

Absolute Conviction  |  Aggression  |  Ambition  |  Anger  |  Anxiety  |  Apathy  |  Arrogance  |  Bloodthirst  |  Bravery  |  Compassion  |  Confidence  |  Conflict  | Courage  |  Darkness  |  Defeat |  Denial  |  Desire  |  Despair  |  Determination  |  Devotion  |  Disappointment  |  Distrust  |  Dominance  |  Emptiness  |  an Enemy  |  Enlightenment  |  Envy  |  Excitement  |  Exhaustion  |  Elitism  |  Experience  |  Fear  |  a Friend  |  a Future  |  Gentleness  |  Greed  |  Grief  |  Guilt  |  Honesty  |  Honor  |  Hope  |  Hostility  |  Ignorance  |  an Illness  |  Insecurity  |  Integrity  |  Intoxication  |  Kindness  |  Lies  |  Loneliness  |  Longing  |  Loss  |  a Lover  |  Loyalty  |  Malicious Intent  |  Mania  |  Melancholy  |  Misery  |  Negativity  |  Overcompensation  |  Pain  |  Paranoia  |  Passion  |  Perseverance  |  Pettiness  |  Pity  |  Positivity  |  Pressure  |  Pride  |  a Purpose  |  Racism  |  Regret  |  Resentment  |  Resignation  |  Resolve  |  Sadness  |  Self-Hatred  |  Sexism  |  Shattered Remains  |  a Shining Light  |  Something Familiar  |  Spite  |  Stress  |  Stupidity  |  Submission  |  Tranquility  |  Trauma  |  Trust  |  Vengeance  |  Warmth  |  Wisdom  |  Wrath  |  a Cry for Help  |  Something Eating Your Mind  |  the Years have Changed You

You’re:

Animalistic  |  Approachable  |  Broken  |  Closed-Off  |  Cold  |  Crafty  |  Crazy  |  Defensive  |  Devious  |  Difficult  |  Disheartened  |  Emotionally Detached  |  Frightened  |  Frightening  |  Genuine  |  Guarded  |  Headstrong  |  Heartless  |  Human  |  Immature  |  Impatient  |  Inhuman  |  Insane  |  Intuitive  |  Lost  |  Mature  |  Noble  |  Patient  |  Pitiful  |  Primitive  |  Pure  |  Reliable  |  Remorseless  |  Reserved  |  Resourceful  |  Short-Tempered  |  Simplistic  |  Sly  |  Soft-Hearted  |  Struggling  |  a Threat  |  Trapped  |  a Troublemaker  |  Trusting  |  Understanding  |  Unique |   Unpredictable  |  Unwavering  |  a Victim  |  Wicked  |  Feeling Vindictive  |  Guilty of Something  |  Hiding Something  |  Lost in Thought  |  Planning Something  |  Scared of Me  |  Scaring Me  |  Someone I can Trust  |  Someone I Can’t Recognize Anymore  |  Someone to Fear  |  Someone Worthy of Respect  |  Weak to Manipulation  |  Weighed by Something

You:

Aren’t Being Yourself  |  Belittle Yourself  |  Don’t Want to Hurt Me  |  Don’t Want to Leave Me  |  Drown Yourself in Something  |  Feel Alone  |  Feel Empowered  |  Have a Plan that Involves Me  |  Have No One Else to Turn to  |  Have Nowhere Else to Go  |  Have Seen Some Things  |  Haven’t Been Sleeping  |  Lie to Yourself  |  Lost Faith/Trust in Me  |  Lost Something/Someone Important  |  Need Me/My Help  |  No Longer Believe Me  |  See Me as a Thing  |  See Me as Someone Else  |  Seek to Hurt/Harm  |  Seek to Manipulate  |  Think Highly of Yourself  |  Think I’m Hiding Something  |  Think Little of Yourself  |  Think You Know Best  |  Want to Hurt Me  |  Want to Protect Me  |  Want to Sleep with Me  |  Want to Use Me @fear-fuel-dragon​

#fear-fuel-dragon #♡;; memes #memes ;; look into my eyes #You submitted this and I couldn't do much about it sorry! #Just copy-pasted it over to new post is all #This one was a bit complicated #Drake is a dragon of sorts but oh he has so little pride in himself #At least that's what Shalria thinks

[soberisdope]

Trauma and PTSD can lead to negative changes in the brain. Any change to the brain is known as Neuroplasticity. Trauma can lead to an unhealthy drop in our vital neurotransmitter hormones such as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. This drop in our brain hormones can contribute to various mental health illnesses or symptoms. Depression, anxiety, mania, and bipolar symptoms can all fuel our addiction. Our addictions can also fuel these same mental health illnesses. This is because alcohol and drug misuse can cause extreme trauma to the brain. This is called Comorbidity. Comorbidity is when addiction and mental illness are diagnosed together. In short, addiction can cause trauma to the brain. This will eventually add a mental health component to your addiction and vice versa. So leave the drugs and alcohol alone, seek therapy, and work on healing any trauma to the brain. We can do this through meditation, mindfulness, nutrition, sleep, EMDR, CBT, Prayer, Music Therapy, Pharmacotherapy, and taking medication. Check out my latest episodes with @sobriety_queen_connie @elaine_alec_writer_speaker @betesandbites @drrobbkelly @brendakatepartello @meagan.therapist where we talk about addiction, mental health, and recovery. Hit the link in bio for access to the Sober is Dope Podcast.

#trauma #ptsdsupport #ptsd thoughts #sober #mental health #love #photooftheday #god #amazing #meditation #style #picoftheday #bestoftheday #followme #20likes

[notalwaysthevillian]

Lost and Found (A Sanders Sides Tangled AU)

Warnings: Deceit, biting, venom, kidnapped, dying, major character death(s), kissing, general anxiety

I swear this isn’t the last chapter, there’ll be one more at least!

Word Count: ~1.1k

Pairings: Romantic Prinxiety, Romantic Logicality

Chapter 10

Masterlist

Chapter 11

“Virgil!” Roman cried as he pulled himself through the window. “I thought I’d never see…”

Virgil was chained to a pillar, a rag tied over his mouth. He screamed as Roman felt fangs sink into the tender flesh of his neck.

Changing back into his human form, Deceit shoved Roman to the floor, ignoring Virgil’s screams. “Now, look what you’ve done.”

Tears began to stream down Virgil’s cheeks as Roman’s face grew pale.

“Oh, don’t worry dear.” Deceit stepped over the thief. “Our secret will die with him.”

Virgil threw himself against his chains, desperately trying to reach Roman. Deceit knelt down and unlocked the chains. “As for us - we are going where no one will ever find you again.”

Deceit tugged, not expecting the strength from Virgil. He heard a squeak, feeling something tug on the bottom of his cloak. Irritated, he kicked the little green thing, sending it flying across the room. Virgil tugged harder, still letting out cries behind the rag.

“Virgil, really!” He yanked on the chain, dragging Virgil across the floor. “Enough already! Stop fighting me!”

As the rag loosened and fell to his neck, Virgil fell to the floor. “No! I won’t stop! For every minute of the rest of my life, I’ll fight you! I will never stop trying to get away from you! And I’m never singing for you again!”

Virgil panted, watching as Deceit took in his words. “But...if - if you let me save him...I’ll go with you. Willingly.”

“No! No, Virgil, don’t -” Roman coughed, blood splattering onto his clothes. He twisted, reaching for the dagger in his belt.

Emile let out a squeak, lying on the floor.

“I’ll never run. I won’t try to escape. Just let me heal him...and I’ll stay with you forever. Everything - everything can go back to the way it was. I promise. Just let - let me heal him.”

Deceit gave Virgil a dead eyed stare, weighing his options. “Fine.”

Carefully taking the chains off of Virgil, he headed over to Roman. Once the chains were in place, he clicked them shut on Roman’s hands. “Just in case you get any ideas about following us.”

Roman coughed, trying to sit up. Virgil helped him into a sitting position, tears blurring his vision. The skin around the bite marks on Roman’s neck were already turning green. “Roman, I’m so sorry. Everything - everything is going to be okay. I promise, I promise!”

“No, Virge.”

“You just have to trust me.” Virgil moved, draping his hair over Roman’s neck. “Come on, just breathe.”

“I can’t let you do this.” Roman choked out, wrapping his fingers around Virgil’s wrist.

Touching their foreheads together, Virgil brought his other hand to Roman’s cheek. “Roman, no. I can’t - I can’t let you die.”

“But if you do this...he’ll take you. You’ll die.”

“It’s gonna be alright.”

Taking a deep breath, Virgil prepared to sing.

“Wait.”

Brushing the silver strands back, Roman leaned in. Once their noses had brushed together, Roman gathered the hair in one hand, slicing it off with his dagger. His hand fell to the floor, his strength finally giving out.

“Roman!”

“NO!” Deceit roared.

The silver began to dissipate from the hair, leaving a chocolate brown color in its wake.

“No, no, NO!” He gathered up the hair in his arms, but it was too late. “What have you done?!”

Tumbling to the mirror, Deceit watched the snakeskin take over. He shrank, turning into his true viper self. A hiss left his mouth.

He turned and raced toward Virgil, fangs bared.

Moving quickly, Virgil grabbed the discarded dagger, closed his eyes, and swung. There was a slicing sound and a thud.

As Virgil opened his eyes, he saw the snake’s head on the floor.

Deceit was dead.

A small squeak had Virgil turning back. Emile sat on Roman’s chest.

“Roman!”

Virgil picked up his head, cradling it in his arms. A cough gave him the tiniest bit of hope.

“Please, please! Stay with me! Look at me…” The hope vanished as Roman’s movement slowed. Grabbing his hand, Virgil put it into his hair. “Flower gleam and glow, letyourpowershine. Maketheclockreversebringbackwhatoncewasmine -”

“Virgil.” Roman managed to get out, his hand tightening in the short locks.

Tears once more blurred Virgil’s vision. “Ro…”

Roman felt himself fading and knew he had to admit his true feelings. “You were my new dream.”

“You -” Virgil sniffed, holding him ever tighter. “You were mine.”

Breathing his last breath, Roman died in Virgil’s arms.

Virgil pulled his body closer, continuing to sing. “Heal what has been hurt. Ch-change the Fates’ design. Save what has been lost. Bring back what once was mine. What once was mine.”

Hugging Roman tightly, Virgil began to sob. He felt the tears slip down his cheeks, no doubt dripping onto Roman’s face.

A bright light forced Virgil to pull back. He saw silver tendrils spreading out from Roman’s neck, twirling around the room. A white image of a flower appeared within the light, before it all faded away, leaving Virgil in the dark.

He looked at Roman, seeing the skin had faded back to its natural color. The bite marks had completely disappeared.

Roman’s eyes fluttered open. “Virgil?”

“Roman?” Virgil held his breath, unsure if Roman was still himself.

“Did I ever tell you I have a thing for short-haired brunettes?”

“Roman!” Virgil dove into Roman’s arms.

Roman wrapped an arm around Virgil’s thin waist, rolling onto his side. He held him tightly, until he felt Virgil pulling back.

“Um, can I…” Virgil flushed red, slowly leaning in.

Grinning, Roman closed the gap, pressing their lips together.

It was sweet and passionate and everything in between. Everything he’d ever wanted, all in one single kiss. His head spun as he pulled back to breathe. “Wow.”

Virgil leaned back in immediately.

“Woah.” Roman put a hand on Virgil’s chest, stopping him in his tracks. “As much as I’d like to do that again...I think your parents deserve to see you.”

“Oh my god! My parents!” Virgil sprang to his feet. “What if...what if they don’t like me?”

“Virge. Something tells me that you’re everything they’ll ever want.”

Blood raced to Virgil’s cheeks as he saw the loving expression on Virgil’s face. “How do we get back? It took us days.”

“But now, we have a horse.” Maximus whinnied as Roman leaned out the window. He offered a hand to Virgil. “Care to get us down?”

Virgil swung his hair onto the eave, tugging to make sure it was secure. “Hold on tight.”

Roman pressed them together, grinning at the blush that covered Virgil’s face. “Don’t you worry. I’m never letting go again.”

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Edit: I was tired when I posted this and posted it with the wrong taglist. My bad.

Tangled AU Tag List: @0angelicmelody0 @ab-artist @abigail-kaulitz @abunchofmaraudersfluff @agentblackkat @agoddamnrayofsunshine @allsortsofgeekery @allycat31415 @angels-and-dreams @anony-phangirl @ao-koshka @awkwardangie410 @cats-with-blogs @certifiedtrashxx @changeling-ash @chipsanddip23 @confinesofpersonalknowledge @creepy-crawly-death-dealer @destielsolangelotrash @dontbugmeimantisocial @dxlphmax @ethospathoslogan @fight-or-flight-reflexes @flamingfawkes @flix-net @pheonix-inside-reblogs @fueled-by-angst-and-rootbeer @fullmetallovr21 @gloomingwitch @gryffindorofcabin21 @hailthedragonlord @hanramz-the-fander @hellomusicalnerdhere @icequeenoriginal @idkwhyimhere0o0 @starry-shake @ilylogan @iridescentglassflowers @itsthemoooooooooon @ivepromisedthatbefore @jadeace115 @justanotherpurplebutterfly @kaileah-kat @levy-the-b00kw0rm @llamaly @lucifer-in-my-head @merlybird500 @midknight-mania @miniporcupine @mrtacothethird @my-happy-little-bean @nervousarts @newageauthor @ninja-girl2846 @notice-me-cat-senpai @nottodaylogic @nye275 @olivia-ivy @otakugirl111300 @panicatthelazyllama @pawsitively-purfect @phlying-squirrel @porkgavor @potato--justpotato @pr0bablypr0crstinating @princey-in-a-feminine-way @quietwords-loudthoughts @rachel-eve-puppet @radioactivehelena @reba-andthesides @rileyfirstname @rosesisupposes @samathekittycat @sammys-ghostz @sandersfanders @sanderssidestrash27 @sanderstalker @scorching-scotch @shootingace @sleepyssnail @sortablue @storytellerofuntoldlegends @superwholocked-for-life @supremestoverlord @tacohippy56900 @thatgaydemigodnerd @the-hungriest-games  @the-one-and-only-grapemare @theobsessor1 @theotherella @timeywimeygalaxy

#ts deceit #manipulative deceit #death #dying #major character death #major character injury #kissing #romantic prinxiety #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #roman sanders #virgil sanders #lost and found #tangled au

[lightofthemoonglow]

some thoughts on scream (in particular roman bridger)

It recently all came together for me why Roman Bridger, the Ghostface of Scream 3 and apparently the puppetmaster of the whole series, is not very sympathetic, especially when compared to Billy, who he has a few things in common with. 

Note that I haven’t read the script for Scream 3 and am going off what was shown on screen. 

First: being given up for adoption is not being abandoned. It just isn’t. Just throwing that out there. if you were put up for adoption because you were literally thrown in the trash or because you were about to be (like me!), that’s different than being handed over at birth or shortly after. In that case, there was a plan and some care involved. It’s sort of like littering vs properly throwing out refuse. Obviously babies aren’t garbage, no matter what my birth father says. 

Second: Roman didn’t mention a hard life. Of course having it easy doesn’t mean you’re exempt from things like depression, anxiety, etc...But it seems like he grew up privileged, which kind of makes him seem even pettier. There was no mention of him growing up in the system or having been given to a bad family that abused him. He’s at most 30 and has a good job in fucking Hollywood. A lot of shit had to go right for him, even if he did kill everyone in his way. 

I watch a lot of Lifetime movies. And Roman’s backstory is a common backstory for villains. But the thing is that the villains in Lifetime movies have something that is without a doubt sad about their past. Maybe they were in group homes for most of their youth, their foster families sucked, their adoptive parents were bad people, they had to struggle while their birth family prospered, they were in an abusive relationship with someone who promised to rescue them from their bad circumstances. Roman didn’t even mentioned being bullied for being adopted. 

Honestly, he comes off as kind of entitled and a bit whiny. But in a way that I understand on a very personal level. However, as my maternal grandparents were the ones who raised me, I couldn’t escape my birth mother and up until adolescence, I waited for her to want to be my mom. My parents, the ones who raised me, are amazing people. But there is something about having all that stuff about moms and their bonds with their kids shoved down your throat while your birth mother, who lives with you when she’s isn’t on an adventure fueled by mania and/or NRE, barely seems to remember that she gave birth at all. Roman seems to have grown up in a fine home and comes across more like a Nice Guy than an abandoned child. 

Third:  “You're gonna pay for the life you stole from me Sid. For the mother, and for the family, and for the stardom, and for, goddammit, everything you had that should've been mine!" 

Literally that’s all. I don’t need to add anything to that. 

Four:  Maureen was raped and her giving up Roman was a reaction to that, not to him. She seemed to have done all the right things with him. They don’t make it clear when Roman found out about how he came to be, but even if he found out after her death, he still didn’t have to do what he did in his movie. 

By the time the third movie rolls around, he’s somewhere between 27-30 years old. Old enough to be able to reflect and maybe realize that it wasn’t about him and that maybe he shouldn’t kill all of those people. And even when he went to find Maureen, he was at least 22.  

Again, personal feelings are coloring my thoughts here. I’m a living reminder of my birth mother’s abusive ex-husband and all that he put her through. And that did effect me growing up. Of course, I acted out and did things I’m not proud of when I was younger. But by the time I was the age Roman would have been when he went to see his mother, I knew that it wasn’t about me. Yet again, I have had a lot of therapy. 

Did Roman go to therapy? He could totally afford it.

Why I Feel Bad for Billy

Billy knew his mother. She raised him and he thought she loved him. He loved her. They apparently had a normal parent/child relationship until she ran off. She was mad at his father and I can see Billy thinking that his mom had lumped him in with his dad, who is a bastard man. 

Basically, Billy was actually abandoned and then found out that his dad was cheating with his girlfriend’s mom. Roman had no relationship with Maureen. But Billy and Debbie were a family. 

(Obviously i am not condoning his actions but I understand Billy more because it is similar to my own life story.)

#brought to you by my abandonment issues adderall and my baby fever #and being stuck in the quar

[intellijuice]

And so here I am

Couldn’t get much closer to the bottom

Fresh memories

Filling my mind with more regrets

Putting everything into a mask that doesn’t even fit

Leaving myself with almost nothing

When for a moment I could have had everything I needed

But Instead I chose everything I wanted

Knowing full well every step of the way

That I’m just pressing the self distruct button

Putting my life into the wind

Acting out despite all the proof to the contrary

This is not going to make anything better

Im going hungry for some sort of temporary relief

A band aid when I need a bandage

Telling lies to the people I love

And straight into the mirror

At this human I barely recognise

So why don’t I see it

It’s not me

It’s adhd

It’s ptsd

Bi polar

Mania

Insomnia

Anxiety

Depression

Turning a beautiful mind into disorder

Giving up control

Over a feeling so overwhelming

That I let go of the steering wheel and close my eyes

Following roads that lead to dead ends

I’m sorry to my love

I’m sorry for my part

I’m sorry this fool strayed so far away from the start

Blaming this broken heart

Blaming a lack of real touch

Blaming myself

And blaming the world

Everyone who couldn’t tell

It is no ones fault but mine

For chasing a lost high

Forgetting where to put my dimes

Running out of fuel

And falling from the sky

Not caring where I land or how I got there

Only caring that I fly

[extemporaneousmusings]

31/1/19

End of the month/beginning of the year reflections below the cut

The end of last year did not incite many feelings from me. I felt very distant from the mental framework of a new year and new decade beginning. The last ten years didn’t encapsulate a single, easily definable chunk of time for me. Lots of things happened over the decade, and during 2019, but last year was so disjointed for me that it felt difficult to conceive of it as a singular, meaningful entity. Plus, I have been seriously struggling with writing for the last six months. Jes and I were supposed to do a writing exchange thing, but I totally failed with it after just one week, and have just been sitting on that, steeping in unhappiness at my inability to produce anything, really.

I told myself that I would reevaluate at the end of the month and see, once the year has begun to set in, how I’m feeling and what I’m expecting from the year. One great thing about this month is that the adjustment in my meds has set in, and it’s significantly boosted my mood. I was more depressed in the fall than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and feeling myself come out of that, even though I’m still not at my best, has been such a relief.

This year for me is cleanly divided in half. I’m spending the first six months of it in Greece, and the second half back in Ohio. My main mission for the first half of the year is to try and be present in my surroundings, rather than fixating on the fact that I want to be reunited with Ian.

One of the results of my breakdown is feeling more timid and withdrawn into myself, and unsure of myself in general. This has made existing in Athens very difficult—Athens is a city for the bold and brash; if you don’t meet it with a certain amount of energy and attitude it can swallow you up. This meek version of me has been struggling with the difficulties of living in a foreign country more than I ever have before. I’ve been even more insecure about trying to speak Greek, which only makes me feel worse and alienated from my surroundings. I won’t be in Athens much over the next three-ish months, most of it will be spent on trips, but my hope for later in the spring is to spend more time trying and failing at speaking Greek in a variety of situations—the trips are so all-consuming that the only real opportunities to speak with people are in restaurants, which is an arena I’m decently competent at communicating in. When I’m here more permanently I also want to take myself on dates to non-archaeological museums and art galleries, and take advantage of living in such a vibrant, major city while I’m here, before I return to my comfortable mid-sized, midwestern city.

Work wise, this year I will begin writing my dissertation. It’s a little awkward right now, to be in a sort of frozen spot in that front, since I won’t start working on it again until the beginning of May when all of the trips are done. I’m going to be defending my proposal in August, and then starting on the diss properly once the semester starts. The prospect of this project is really daunting, and even though this (school) year was intended to be, and has been, a hard break and mental reset from coursework and comps, it’s also provided space for many worries to germinate as I contemplate, but don’t actually have the time actually just start working on the damn thing. I do best by just doing, instead of getting in my own way with excessive rumination. I’m hoping that in May, once I get started, I’ll be able to assuage my fears of not ever being able to write again.

On the flip side of these insecurities about writing, and my anxiety about starting this massive project, is the fact that I’ll have the opportunity to explore a whole new type of work. My meds have had a pretty significant impact on how I think, and how I’m able to work, but I think in the long run, once I get into things, this will actually enable a far healthier and sustainable research/writing practice.

Personally, as I mentioned above, I want to take advantage of my time here in Greece, and continue to learn about what it’s like to be by myself, even though it’s uncomfortable and lonely. When I’m back in Cincy I want to jump right back into building a life with Ian. We’ve been through so much in the past few years, and I hope that we are able to have an uneventful year where we can learn more about the sort of home we want to have. I want us to try a new recipe every week, take Macy to new places, and get out of the neighborhood more regularly. It’s pretty easy for us to slip into too-comfortable conventions that can quickly devolve into inertia--we tend to exacerbate the lazy, procrastination-prone elements of each other’s personalities--so I want us to push ourselves a little, while still maintaining our homely habits.

Moving into the more abstract, I saw a quote on tumblr towards the end of December, as everyone else was actively considering the passage of time and the new beginnings of 2020 that was something like ~I’ve spent the last few years growing, this year I want to bloom~ and that really resonated with me. I’ve dealt some intense shit, and intense periods of active recovery over the past few years. I’ve had massive yearly benchmarks in school, in addition to all of the turmoil that was happening in my personal life. I’m not exactly sure what blooming means, but I want to try and keep that word in my mind as the year progresses. Maybe it’s taking myself on those dates in Athens, maybe it’ll be the joy, and also difficulty, of readjusting to living with Ian while trying out new things, maybe it’s discovering how my brain can do research now that I can’t rely on swings of mania to fuel my progress. I just want to acknowledge all the work that I’ve put in over the past few years and try and have a year that isn’t about scraping through to meet big deadlines and finish big projects. Rather, I want to have a year that is about sitting with myself and learning about who I am in all these different spaces that comprise my very full life.

#personal #the mood for this year #is closing my eyes and turning my face towards the sun #and letting it beam down on me