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rjhpandapaws · 3 years

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Will be the Best Years of My Life

Ch 3: I'll Stay Behind to Stay with You

Middle school came with his teachers trying to get him to go the way of Connor. They figured bumping him up a grade would help with his ADHD; that having a challenge to pit his boundless energy against would calm him down. They didn’t listen when he told them it wouldn’t work. That if they just put him in Daniel’s class he would be fine. The school didn’t believe him on that either and decided to go over his head and call his dad. So the next Monday found him in his guidance counsellor’s office with his dad. Understandably, when he’d first gotten the call his dad assumed Silas had gotten himself into trouble again. Silas watched with some amusement as his dad got gradually more annoyed as his guidance counsellor talked at him. “That isn’t going to work.” His dad said bluntly and cut the counsellor off, “Just because their twins doesn’t mean Silas has the same needs as Connor. If you shove him into a new class he’s only going to disrupt more because he’s going to be on his own in a new environment.” The counsellor tried to pipe up again, but withered under his dad’s glare, “Did you even bother asking Silas what he needed or did you ignore him because he’s a child?”

“Ah, well,” He scrambled, “We just thought this would be a better fit for him.” “Than what exactly?” His dad pressed. “He asked to be switched into the same schedule block as Daniel Pealeson.” He explained, “We didn’t think placing him in a class with someone he had history with was a good idea.” “So let me get this straight.” His dad leaned to his full sitting height before he continued, “And correct me if I’m wrong; but instead of putting him in class with the one person known to keep him focused, you want to pull him away from his peers and into a classroom full of strangers?” “Well when you put it that way-” “Do you have any idea how ADHD actually works?” His dad continued, “Routine and familiarity work best to keep these kinds of things to minimum. If you put him in Daniel’s schedule block things will go better. If you don’t believe me you can ask his elementary school teachers. They found this out on accident.” “Alright.” His counsellor said after a long silence, “We’ll make the change as soon as we can.” His counsellor clearly didn’t expect his dad to be as well informed as he was; he was out of his depth and he knew it.

They were dismissed after that and Silas smiled as his dad ruffled his hair on the way out. It was nice to know that even when no one else would, his dad would always be there to make sure the right thing got done. It was tiring to always be ignored and talked over just because he’s a kid. “Sorry you had to get called in just to tell them the same things I have been for weeks.” He said when they got into the hall. His dad just shrugged, “It’s not a problem Sixer, that’s what Dad’s do.” He pulled Silas against his side in a tight half hug, “Sorry it had to come to me being called in just so you could be heard.” “Its just so frustrating.” His voiced wobbled with tears. He always hated that his first response when he felt anything in excess was to cry. He was angry, “I’m the one dealing with this. They should believed me when I say I know how to make it better child or not!” “Shh Six, I know” He pulled Silas into a full hug and ran his hand through his hair to soothe him, “Let’s go home for today, and you can try again tomorrow.” “Okay.” He sniffled, “I don’t think I can concentrate like this.”

Silas was in a relatively low mood after that. He just wanted to be heard and listened to by the adults around him. Why was that so hard? They listened to his twin, so why not him? Was it because Connor’s Autism showed more than his ADHD? If he had a meltdown would they listen to him then? “Hey, come back to me Silas.” His dad’s gentle voice pulled him out of his head and he realized he was crying again. “Sorry,” He mumbled as he wiped his eyes. “Want to talk about it?” His dad prodded gently. Silas heaved out a wet sigh as they pulled into the driveway, “I just don’t get it. They will listen to Connor when he needs special requirements, but whenever I need help they ignore me. Why?” His dad was quiet for a long moment and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he looked for his words. “You and Connor present differently. His Autism comes through more than his ADHD so the school tends so see him as a small child, like he can’t function properly without his accommodations. Your ADHD comes through more, and that’s been reduced to you simply having too much energy instead of what you actually deal with. They think that if they can make you tired you’ll behave in the way they want.” He paused, “It’s not so much that they see Connor and don’t see you; but more that they see you in two very different lights.”

Silas sighed again, “Why can’t they just listen to us? It can’t be that hard.” “Because they’ve gotten it in their heads that they know what’s best, even when they very clearly don’t.” His dad replied with a level of exasperation that Silas felt down to his bones, “Take today to try and decompress okay? And if you want you can invite Daniel over after school. Alright?” He gave slow nod, “Okay.” They got out after that and went inside. Silas changed back into his pajamas and climbed back into bed. He pulled out his phone to message Daniel, but his exhaustion pulled him under before he could get that far. When he woke up a few hours later his dad had left to go back to work. So Silas more or less had run of the house. Any other day he would have seen this as an opportunity to cause trouble. Instead he dug in the fridge for his leftovers and put on cartoons. He didn’t really want to be a person today. The morning had been draining and he was still feeling sour about it. He checked his phone and found a couple of messages from Daniel.

Danny: R U ok? Danny: Silas? Sixty: Had some issued so I’m @ home. Sixty: You can come over later if you want Danny: Of course <3 see you after school Sixty: See you then <3

He smiled slightly as he picked through his food. Talking to Daniel always made him feel better. Daniel didn’t always understand what he was going through, but he always tried his best to be supportive. Silas always appreciated it. When it became clear that he actually wasn’t hungry despite not eating anything all day, he put his food back in the fridge and went back to watching cartoons. Eventually he went to grab his Switch so he had something to keep his hands busy. That was how Daniel found him when he came in through the front door with Connor and Cole. They shared a look and Silas grabbed his things so they could head back to his room. He didn’t have the energy to deal with everyone today. “Pajama day huh?” Daniel asked lightly as they settled on his bed. “Something like that.” He replied as he leaned his head on Daniel’s shoulder, “How was school?” “Pretty boring, like usual.” He said and shrugged his free shoulder, “How was your day?” Silas huffed, “Tiring. Dad had to come in and rescue me from being bumped up a grade.”

“They’re still on about that?” Daniel groaned, “They know it won’t work right?” “They do now.” Silas laughed, “I’ve never seen someone look so scared of my dad. The good news is I should be getting moved to your class soon.” “That’s great.” He grinned at Silas. “You know I did think about it right?” He said eventually, “Moving up a grade.” “Why didn’t you?” He asked. “I looked at Connor and how he’s always reaching back for Markus, and I realized that wasn’t what I wanted.” Silas explained, “I’m happy to stay behind because that means I get to stay here with you.” He was met with a bright smile, “I’m glad you chose to stay then. It would have been lonely with out you.” He took one of Daniel’s hands in his and intertwined their fingers, “Attached at the hip remember?” He squeezed Silas’s hand in return, “Attached at the hip.” He echoed. Silas smiled, he was happy to stay behind if it meant he could stay like this.

#Growing Old with You au #GOwY #Will be the Best Years of My Life #WBYML #daniel60 #daniel x sixty #dbh daniel #dbh sixty #dbh fic #dbh

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Today is going to be difficult...not for any particular reason, nothing has happened. I just have that feeling like I'm at the beginning of a spiral, and I'm not quite sure what to do. I definitely can drink today. A good plan of reduction might be to drink twice a week for 2 weeks, then once a week for 2 weeks, then try to go for 10-14 days. But I always feel like I've failed every time I have to do this.

I decide to go as long as I can without drinking, because I want to do something but I'm not sure what. I decide not to set a concrete goal because I dont know what's realistic, and I dont want to fail. I dont want to have to say that I've failed, even here, and I dont want to have to admit it to myself. So I say I'll just go as long as I can and only drink when I feel really bad either physically or mentally. But then when I reach that limit I feel like I should still be going and that I've failed if I dont.

It's really hard to tell what's true and what's excuses. I feel like everything is an excuse, because I was always told that whenever I wasnt able to do something growing up. I find it so hard to figure out when I can trust myself and when to let myself off. I have that same feeling like a kid about to be in trouble for not doing their homework.

If i knew myself as a kid now, I'd tell them it's okay if you didnt do your homework because you had an anxiety attack, or you didn't understand the questions, or your parents were fighting and the neighbours called the cops. Even if you genuinely forgot - maybe if you're having trouble remembering and organising so often we should get you assessed for ADHD and see if there's a way to manage that.

But I didn't get that growing up...I got yelled at and punished and still had to watch my little brother while my parents and the cops did whatever. Even the nicest and most helpful adult in my life, the therapist I had in my late teens, implied that I would maybe not do these things as a cry for help. I mean sure it was a cry for help in a way? But not a conscious decision. I was genuinely anxious, genuinely confused, genuinely forgot. She was nice about it but still implied that I could do it if I wanted to.

I still carry that same feeling now, that whether its said to me nicely or yelled in my face, I should just try harder. Everyone else can do it so why cant I? Everyone else goes to after school activities then does hours of homework then has dinner with their family and sleeps 8hrs a night and goes to school on time every day and never gets anything lower than an A. Everyone else survives every day without alcohol and reassurance.

And then I dont really know what to do because I feel like if I cant meet that expectation of normalcy/perfection/whatever it is, then i might as well do what i want to in the moment. And then I lose reasoning.

I grew up with such shit adult influences and this whole thing now is just me trying to reparent and reteach myself. I'm trying to push myself appropriately and look after myself appropriately. But I dont know what "appropriately" is. In adulthood, and as parents and teachers, we look to the adults we grew up with and our parents and teachers. It's why cycles of abuse get repeated. It's why my dad was so horrible and my mum was so useless. I can understand they're only human and did what they thought was best. I can forgive them. But I still have to try to teach myself everything they couldnt. I'm still trying to unlearn that profound guilt I have at everything I do and the deep sense of anger at any system that allows or encourages it to keep happening.

And in the end the one thing I can never do for myself, no matter how much progress I make and how much I analyse everything, is best the feeling of being alone. Everyone needs support. I think that's what I struggle with even more than all that - I can give advice on others' situations so I must know what's right really. I just dont want to be in charge. I'm tired of being in charge. I need someone to tell me what's okay, and that it's okay, and I'll be okay

#self therapy

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in-tua-deep · 5 years

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(TUA Asks) 9, 16, 20, 24, 28

9. We really only see Allison, Diego, and Vanya pursue actual careers. What careers do you think the other siblings would pursue if they got the chance?

I THINK Luther should be a mechanic or some kind of engineer bc he’s passionate about building things (model planes) and also was essentially an astronaut, he did all kind of analysis and reports on moon stuff so honestly he could probably work for NASA if he set his mind to it!! Luther is more than he muscle he’s very smart, just not very socially intelligent but let’s be real none of the Hargreeves are

Klaus I think should work in like. A more creative career?? Like I said in one au about him working at a yarn store and knitting in his spare time but I mean I could see him as a florist as well or any career that does on the job training bc I feel like Klaus isn’t super built for school (we stan an adhd icon)

Five would be UHHHH probably some very prestigious doctor of mathematics who probably works on the millennium problems and maybe solves one? Probably ends up doing some seriously complicated mathematics for some serious cash, maybe ends up turning his mathematical prowess to coding

Ben I think would’ve also become a doctor but of medicine bc I think that Ben has a lot of guilt about hurting people and, in the end, would want to do something that helps others - wants to actually save people instead of just slaughtering the bad guys?? Probably does doctors without borders and focuses mainly on kids

and I know the question doesn’t include the three kids we see with careers but

I could see Allison transferring from acting into a career in maybe marketing?? I feel like Allison would kick ass and take names in the corporate world like. She grew up with Reginald Hargreeves, none of these old white corporate assholes would intimidate her

Diego I know has boxing outside of being a vigilante, and even though he dropped out of the police academy he could probably work in the private sector if he really wanted to but he doesn’t. I think Diego would be good at teaching a self-defense class or working as like. Maybe a bartender who absolutely destroys anyone who dares slip something into someone else’s drink?

Vanya is passionate about the violin so I’m not sure I can think of a career for her outside of what she’s built for herself tbh with her position on the orchestra (and yeah, she’s not first chair but she doesn’t have to be. There’s only one first chair and the other chairs are equally important), her teaching (and I’m sure that’s very rewarding for her) but let’s be honest Vanya had the most functional life out of all the siblings (and even then her social life was nonexistent, she was emotionally closed off and seemingly had no friends, and i didn’t really see much evidence of hobbies outside of violin which is her career so. career wise though her life was the most in order)

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16. If instagram or twitter existed in the UA universe, what would all their handles be?

I’mma be real with u chief I don’t have a twitter or an instagram and tumblr/discord functions as my main online social interaction sO i might genuinely have to skip this question

i mean if tumblr ever does crumple under the weight of its own hubris i’ll have to move to another social media site i guess and figure out how it works but i’m pretty set in my ways

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20. If you were in The Umbrella Academy, would superpower would you have? (Bonus: What would your code-name be?)

UHHHH I mean if I got to pick it would probably be shapeshifting bc that’s the trans/nonbinary/genderqueer mood of the day

and as for codename,,, the chameleon? though that might be a bit subtle for a group whose names are things like The Boy and The Horror and The Rumor lmao

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24. What sort of relationship do you think each sibling has with Pogo?

lmao remember when i went off about how Pogo was complicit in the squad’s abuse good times but yeah personally i’m not a big fan of pogo BUT

Luther and Vanya are probably closest with Pogo before everything happened, Luther because he spent all that time in the house and whenever he couldn’t go to Reginald with something then Pogo was always a good second choice. I’m sure Pogo spent a lot of time comforting a young Luther when his father brushed him off and encouraged him by telling him shit like that just being how his father showed affection etc. etc.

Vanya because while everyone else was training, I think Pogo would hang out with her and compliment her playing and generally interact with her more than any of the other siblings combined. He never ignored her, and he seemed to be the most forgiving of the family after she published her book, though admittedly I’m not sure how much Pogo was mentioned in the book

I don’t think Klaus was super close with Pogo? Mainly because I assume Pogo was aware of all the kids training and as such was one of the two (2) adults possessing free will in the house who were capable of opening the crypt door to let him out which. Neither did. But Pogo was kind to them, and occasionally looked the other way with their shenanigans, so Klaus didn’t hate him or anything. He was kind of condescending to adult!Klaus though

I think Allison and Five were both just sort of neutral about Pogo’s presence because neither of them were particularly in need of comfort or kindness or whatever Pogo had to offer to them. But he was around, and he is family, but they just aren’t super close, you know?

I don’t want to think about Grace’s relationship with Pogo because while Pogo was sort of a brother in arms in that he’s under Reginald’s power as well (considering I assume Pogo is financially dependent on Reginald and incapable of leaving) but also like. Pogo knew how to fix Grace the entire time and he didn’t. He allowed Reginald to frame Grace and kept his secrets. He reminded Grace to keep secrets. He’s like? The coworker you think is your friend until he reports something you said in confidence outside of work to the boss and gets you punished

that’s all i got on that

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28. What do you think happened to the other 36 people born on October 1st?

this one I answered right here ;3c

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redandfranticfeelings · 5 years

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an autistic analysis, lyric by lyric, of ‘i love play rehearsal’

ive been hyperfixating over bmc for the last month and i keep thinking about how autistic the main characters are and christine is so very very very autistic coded to me. so i decided im just going to straight up deconstruct the lyrics of her signature song in the context of her being autistic (and also having adhd, but my experience is mostly in autism)

this is very very rambley and based more on personal experience than research, so i doubt itll be interesting to anybody but me, but i just want to talk about christine, the autistic queen

I love play rehearsal Because its the best! Because it is fun. I love play rehearsal and I get depressed as soon as its done.

it goes without saying that chrstine’s special interest is theater right? the way she treats it as the “highlight of [her] life” and then switches into this song after acting completely awkward and disinterested in jeremy outside of the context of him being engaged in her special interest.

But not depressed as in like kill yourself depressed No, im not into self-harm Dude, I swear, here check my arm!

overexplaining in a way that reads very much like speaking before she thinks, even though bringing up self harm in casual conversation with someone you barely talk to is not exactly proper etiquette. i think this is also an adhd trait? going faster than your own brain. that’s basically this whole song.

See, I just use the word to emphasise a point, Show the passion I have got I am passionate a lot. I have mad, gigantic feelings, Red and frantic feelings, About most everything Like gun control, like spring,

a lot of people assume autistic people are typically emotionless but it’s also very easy for us to get caught up in emotional issues especially when it comes to stuff we love, and it catches us off guard. christine being hyperempathetic is implied later in the show when she has that awful survivors’ guilt over making fun of rich and jake, and it also plays into her being so socially conscious as well.

Like if I’m living up to all I’m meant to be.

being an high school junior is really rough bc of all the decisions that have to be made regarding college and your future as an independent adult, and being autistic just makes it worse bc it can easily lead to burnout to deal with so much at once, if you even can comprehend these things much at all (i had no idea what to do, lol). i doubted my ability to grow up and succeed constantly because i had no idea who to talk to and what questions to ask and how to present myself. that’s something that a lot of people worry about, but having social delays makes it way more of a pressing issue than it is for neurotypicals, i feel.

I also have a touch of ADD. Where was I? Oh, right!

self explanatory and very canon. adhd and autism can be diagnosed simultaneously nowadays and the symptoms overlap a lot, btw.

I love play rehearsal, Cause’ you are equiped with direction and text, Life is easy in rehearsal, You follow a script so you know what comes next. Anywho the point that I’m getting to is sometimes life can’t work out in the way It works out in the play

this part screams autistic culture to me. unpredictability is scary because social situations don’t always go smoothly like in fiction! this is why social scripting is a popular therapy tactic for autistic children- you have to manually study social situations like a script. theater is something meant to be memorized and recited until you’re able to process it and manufacture emotion, but honestly for autistic kids, life feels a lot like that sometimes. remember how miserable she got when one of her favorite plays had the script changed without her permission to make a whole new story she doesn’t know? of course that’s just upsetting on its own, but in the context of her knowing theater so well and being fully prepared for one story only to be forced to learn a new one? ouch.

christine is never shown as comfortable outside her element- she hides in a book during “more than survive” and shrinks into nothing at the party. it’s a recurring theme that she has no idea exactly who she is, struggles with her identity outside of theater, and despite not really caring about how people see her, she does care about her own ability. socializing makes her feel awkward, especially when something totally unexpected happens like jake or jeremy asking her out. if she doesn’t have a plan or routine or, well, a script, then she can’t trust herself to go forward.

Like the only time I get to be the center of attention, Is when I’m Juliet or Blanche DuBois

as an autistic theater kid, i just really do relate to being clueless and dumb in real life but being able to totally thrive on the stage, because you can channel the energy that is usually misplaced in real life social interactions, and transfer it through dialogue and song and dance that someone else laid out nicely for you.

and can I mention? That was really one of my best roles, Did you see that?

an epic combination of letting your mind wander easily without caring about making sense to the person you’re speaking to, and taking every opportunity to infodump. in a lot of productions she even mimics her blanche voice just for fun. jeremy tries to respond here but she doesn’t care because she’s in her own brain where everything only really seems to make sense to her.

And no matter how hard I try, It’s impossible to narrow down the many reasons why, I love play rehearsal. I happiness cry whenever it starts!

if she isn’t being hyperbolic then this plays into my ‘so much emotion it’s hard to control’ thing detailed a bit above. either way, big special interest mood.

It’s just so universal Getting to try playing so many parts. Most humans do one thing for all of their lives, The thought of that gives me hives! I’ve got so many interests I wanna pursue,

it’s a lot easier to lose yourself and connect to your special interest than focus on your very complex, very overwhelming real life issues. escaping into fiction and being able to play in a variety of social situations as a totally different person, yay theater!

in general i just like the idea of christine struggling to visualize who she is and thinking about a lot of hypothetical but being unable to choose which one is most desirable or plausible. idk if that’s autistic or just a fun character trait lol. i know jumping from interest to interest is an adhd thing though.

this little passage is good for at least showing that christine distinguishes herself from ‘most humans’ in a way that isn’t so much ‘not like other girls’ but like ‘life is so much more confusing to me than it seems to be to others’ (which the show proposes isn’t exactly true and is the same closed-mindedness that jeremy has, though christine realizes it sooner; however; the sentiment rings true in that christine, as a neurodiverse young woman, has a lot more hoops to jump through than a neurotypical classmate.)

And why am I telling this to you? Guess there’s a part of me that wants to.

jeremy is also very autistic coded in my eyes, but that’s a separate post. i just like them being drawn to each other through that sort of kinship. also if you interpret her as having an unrealized requited crush on him…well, i think for a lot of us, romantic love is easy to confuse with friend love, if even that, because the specifics of emotions are a mess to unravel. (which also explains her confusion on her relationship with jake)

oh and right after this, she starts squawking just because she had the impulse to do so. vocal stimming, much?

Back to play rehearsal, My brain is like ‘bzzz’ My heart is like 'wow’

my brain is always like bzzz honestly lol. this is generally a pretty good way to describe being hyperfocused.

Because we’re here at play rehearsal, and it’s starting, We’re starting, It’s starting, Sooo-ooon.

it’s been confirmed as a deliberate decision that christine’s songs never end on a rhyme, except when she’s squipped and it isn’t ‘really’ her, because she subverts everyone’s expectations, including jeremy’s. i feel that could make for a nice simplified metaphor for autism, right?

#christine canigula #autistic headcanons #allistics can reblog!#be more chill #bmc #gif #long post #queue are so busted #i might do something like this for loser geek whatever and/or more than survive #or even just bmc songs in general if i cant get enough material from them individually #be more neurodivergent #kin tag

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dear-wormwoods · 6 years

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i know that eddie's first encounter with It and the way It manifests itself as his fear is very telling of him being gay, but what do you think the encounters It had with the other members of the loser's club (like mike with the bird, stan with the dead boys, etc) are indicative of?

Okay Let’s Talk About the Losers’ Fears!

The interesting thing about IT is that, for most kids, the fears IT manifests as are pretty basic. Movie monsters, comic book monsters, vampires, mummies, etc. So not all the Losers have super deep meanings behind their fears, the way Eddie and Beverly do, and I think it definitely reflects the level of contentment they experience in their every day life. Obviously Eddie’s IT experiences are symbolic of his fear of his sexuality and the self-loathing that comes along with that, disguised as a ‘diseases are gross!’ sort of thing because that’s easier to process for a little kid (and because IT needs something physical to take the shape of). We don’t need to rehash that. But as for the others…

Beverly is not afraid of blood, her fear is much deeper than that, blood is just the easiest physical representation for what she really does fear, which is her own womanhood. In one of MANY parallels between Eddie and Bev, both of their fears are based on gender and sexuality, and both fears exist, at least in part, because of their abusive home lives. Bev’s fear takes on the disguise of ‘blood is gross!’ but really it’s about puberty and menstruation, and what that change will mean for her sexually - because her dad never stops talking about how boys look at her, and what her role will be as a woman re: having sex with boys. And this isn’t the first time King has used blood symbolism for a girl’s fear of the sexual unknown - he did it in Carrie too (and lbr if Eddie and Beverly were fused together into one character, it would be Carrie and if Sonia and Alvin were fused into one character, it would be Carrie’s crazy fucking mother).

Next we have Bill, whose fear is pretty self-explanatory. IT always manifests as something Georgie-related for him, but what Bill fears most is not literally Georgie’s corpse, it’s Georgie BLAMING him for his death. Bill feels incredible guilt for what happened to Georgie, and feels responsible because he helped make the paper boat and because he was too sick to go out with Georgie that day and therefore could not protect him (this comes up again and again re: his insistence that Eddie not leave his line of sight like, ever, because he’s projecting his Georgie guilt). Bill actually comes the closest to ‘losing’ to IT because his fear is the most emotional - he almost gives in to the apparition of Georgie basically accusing him of murder, and would have, were it not for the other Losers (particularly Eddie) screeching that it isn’t really Georgie.

Richie’s fears are all based around movie monsters, but they’re a little more symbolic than that because of one small addition: Richie’s name being used repeatedly as a label FOR IT’s manifestations. IT also seems to talk to Richie more, because taunting him is more effective than just existing as a visual. On top of that, IT takes multiple forms for Richie, which is unusual. So we have three (unless I’m forgetting one) - the Crawling Eye, the Werewolf, and Paul Bunyan. The Crawling Eye is a movie monster that really freaked Richie out as a kid to the point where he’d have nightmares about it and wet the bed, and he has a lot of eye-related body horror dreams and it’s pretty gross… dreaming about eyes can symbolize needing to (or refusing to) look inward, and dreaming about something being in/hurting your eyes can symbolize being unable to (or refusing to) confront certain truths, or avoiding emotional intimacy. All of this can easily be applied to Richie, the King of Avoidance, and it’s particularly interesting that the Eddie is the one who injures the Eye, and encourages Richie to fight it too, and that Eddie is mentioned by IT later on in relation to the Eye (the SHOES THING also ties into the Eye whenever it comes up!). So there’s THAT. The Crawling Eye, imo, stands for Richie’s denial and emotional stagnation.

The Werewolf is also a movie monster, and Richie was very effected by the plight of the teenage werewolf when he watched that movie - so it’s telling that when IT manifests as the werewolf, it is wearing a jacket with Richie’s name stitched into it. I know this has been said over and over, but Richie relates to the werewolf on some level because the werewolf is seen by its peers as a horrible monster, but it’s something it cannot help, and while it presents as ‘normal’ most of the time, when the ‘monster comes out’, it’s instantly ostracized from society. Richie sees himself as a ‘monster’ because he’s consistently treated as annoying, or ‘too much’, or borderline-suicidal to the point where he scares a lot of people off from wanting to get to know him. He feels guilty about being a burden on his parents, he hates that he constantly gets himself into trouble for things he can’t seem to control (undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, most likely), and on top of all that, he’s also hyper-aware of the dangers of ‘looking queer’ in public if he’s caught being affectionate with his male friends. There is a lot going on in Richie’s head that all point to him being very aware that he’s not ‘like everyone else’, but he can’t help it, so Richie sees himself reflected in the Teenage Werewolf… and IT knows that, and tries to use that to ITs advantage.

FINALLY, there’s the Paul Bunyan statue, which involves a little more reaching to figure out, so bear with me if this sounds insane… Paul Bunyan, in a way, represents Richie as well. Richie is well aware that the statue is an attention-grabber, but it’s also kitschy and stupid looking - he himself describes it as having a ‘cheerful vulgarity’. It’s big and loud, but people hate it and think it’s lame. Richie wants attention, but he’s afraid of being Paul Bunyan - he wants to be GOOD at something, and get attention because of his skill and his humor, not just because he’s loud and ridiculous. He doesn’t want to be talked about as “horrible, garish, and unbelievably gauche”, the way Derry townsfolk talk about Paul. As an adult, Paul turns into the clown and has a literal, casual conversation with Richie, and then eventually turns into Buddy Holly - a musician Richie admired and related to, who died tragically young - only Buddy’s glasses weren’t his usual glasses - they were Richie’s glasses, mended with adhesive tape. So even then, he’s sort of seeing parts of HIMSELF in what IT appears as. SOOO LONG STORY SHORT, Richie is his own worst fear.

Stan’s encounter with IT, I think, was meant to push the boundaries of what his mind would accept as ‘real’. Stan’s whole worldview was based on order and a certain expectation of reality being… reality. So IT created a visual as ridiculous as possible, while still maintaining some level of offensive realism (by using corpses of real kids who drowned in the Standpipe) and creating a multi-sensory onslaught that Stan couldn’t deny - music, smells, visuals, etc. ITs goal wasn’t to scare Stan so much as break him, but Stan was able to ground himself in reality with his bird book well enough to escape. But what he takes away from the experience in the end is being offended by what happened. He doesn’t give a shit about being scared, he’s just plain OFFENDED by what he saw. So I think Stan’s kids-in-the-Standpipe experience was meant to just…. totally insult the way he sees the world around him. It’s also one of the coolest visuals in the novel and I will be forever angry that the movie changed his IT experience so completely.

Ben’s IT encounters are SUPER typical… movie monsters, Halloween costume type of shit, like most of the other Derry kids who became ITs victims. The clown with the balloons floating against the wind, the mummy, the vampire… but unlike Richie, I don’t think there is much deeper meaning to it than just being your run of the mill scary shit, because unlike Richie, Ben doesn’t hate himself. Ben is pretty damn content with his life. He loves his mom, they have a close relationship, he doesn’t have any friends before the Losers but he wasn’t bent out of shape about it… he was fine with being alone, and just being a good student, a quiet bookish kid, and he liked buying candy and eating it in front of the TV with his little bathrobe on. Like, Ben was chill. He was confident in what he liked and what he knew how to do, he was a real ‘you do you’ kid. He wasn’t even THAT upset about being fat until other kids made fun of him for it. So Ben’s just going through life, more comfortable than the other Losers. He’s content with his gender and sexuality, he’s content with his skill set and his interests, he doesn’t care about how others perceive him, he’s adaptable, and he’s not plagued with guilt. So IT doesn’t really have a TON to work with, lmao. Movie monsters are all IT has at ITs disposal when it comes to Ben, and that’s all there is to it. And in general, Ben is one of the least affected by IT… he really doesn’t even seem that afraid of IT, on the whole, but he reacts most strongly to the things that sort of go against the laws of physics (the balloons moving against the wind, the Neibolt House seeming to change shape and size)… but even then, the only real symbolism there is that Ben loves physics and architecture.

Lastly, Mike’s experience with IT is… interesting. I’ve talked about this a lot with @mikehanlonstan and we can’t really come up with good symbolism for the bird aside from the simple ‘he was attacked by a bird as a baby’ explanation from the novel. Which would be fine, if it weren’t for the fact that Mike’s dad… saw the same bird?? Like, what is it with the Hanlons and this weird bird? Who knows, I sure don’t. I was looking for racism symbolism but like… I feel like ‘It’s a bird… like a crow, get it?? Like Jim Crow??” is too lazy even for Stephen King. Also it wasn’t a crow, anyway… it was something that doesn’t exist in the real world, otherwise Stan wouldn’t have been able to get it to go away with his bird facts later on. If anything it just establishes a stronger connection between him and his father, and the long-term connection they both have to IT.

#asks #stephen king's it #it novel #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #bill denbrough #stanley uris #mike hanlon #it meta #my meta #anonymous #meta #losers club

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts.

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

#long post //////#the entire first quarter (at least lol) of my life being Devastated By Abuse means i get to complain about it whenever i feel like it

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shababyj · 6 years

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Suicide…The act of ending one’s own life. Such a strange and selfish thing to do on one hand but on the other, who the fuck ever cared in the first place to even make you consider the alternative??? Such a dark and gray area for some people to go, yet some of us live in a constant state of dying alive every-single-day.

Most people often wonder what was going through their mind or what could have been so bad that they had to end it all? Did YOU bother to ask them how THEY were doing? Every time they seemed off or distant, did you ask them if they wanted to go somewhere and talk? Were You really paying attention?

It is never the world’s responsibility to bring you out of your dark black hole and save you. But it helps to have people in your circle have some understanding and knowledge of what mental illness looks like. It’s not always textbook with everyone or like it is in the movies. I think people are being misled by the media on what REALLY happens when you are hit with this disease.

There are so many mental illnesses that lead to suicidal thought and some end in death by suicide or even murder. I know right…scary huh? But it’s the truth! Most of the time people are so engulfed in their own pain that they don’t realize someone else’s pain. But for the most part, that is not the case. Many people are ignored and told to go to a doctor, get some medicine, have a drink, learn to relax, and the most famous of all, just deal with it. Kinda fucked up, ain’t it!

Some people, like myself, deal with people who claim to be victimized but it’s for pity. They find people who make them look better, make them look superior in a way, and then stomp all over their lives one small fraction at a time. It’s no illness but it is sick. They have several different types of a narcissist and most will play the victim card all the while they are abusing the shit out of you. It’s not treatable and it can be corrected only if the person themselves wanted to do so, but they love to cause pain, so they remain the pieces of shit they are. Be aware they claim the victim card all the while they themselves are indeed the abuser. (NOTE: They will only threaten suicide for attention and pity but would never kill themselves because they hold themselves above all other…only they matter)

Depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, bipolar, postpartum depression, trauma, ADHD, schizophrenia, and many others are main causes of suicide. Today, there are many children and teens committing more suicides than adults. It breaks my heart to know that so many young kids decided not to fight another day. I wish I could have saved them all. 😦 Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to be able to save myself but I keep pushing through all the hell and fire that gets thrown my way.

It seems every single time a celebrity commits suicide, the world notices the sickness that’s spreading. It’s as if it’s contagious in areas where people have more money and fame than they can ask for. But is it all worth it? Sometimes we only see what people want us to see and we forget to ask about the other half we don’t out of fear. The world has been so offended by every damn thing, that even people can’t ask each other if they’re okay without getting offended. You don’t need to know all the details but make sure people know you are there and make sure you damn-well mean it!

Mental pain is brutal, gut-wrenching, and soul-sucking, breaking you down little by little into a person you won’t even recognize. You become edgy and angry at times but other times sad and guilt-stricken. It plagues you with thoughts and emotions that tear away at you piece by piece. You become who the illness creates and feeds; no longer the human you once were.

The sharpness of the pain is suffocating, intoxicating, and makes it hard to breathe. At points in time, it overtakes every ounce of your thoughts and consumes even the greatest parts of your better days. You are manic from the suffering and trying to run away or paranoid with all the voices in your head and they are the only ones who stay. Maybe your eyes are swollen shut from all the pain that melted away only for new hurt to surround you and bring you down once more. Maybe you just can’t escape your own hell.

Suicide to a sick mind and broken soul is a way out for them. An escape to remove the burden they carry and all the baggage they drag around. Coming from personal experience, family and some of your closest friends are often the first to shut you up and turn you away when you need them most. It’s not a secret, but they claim to be tired of hearing about the same shit all the time. But have they ever put themselves in your shoes? Have you ever felt what I felt? Those are questions our people…OUR PEOPLE… need to ask themselves. How would you feel if the roles were reversed???

When no one else will listen to a sick person, they often isolate and disassociate with life and the things they used to enjoy. Happiness doesn’t come by all that often so solitude and disconnect is often the next step. Many times you will still see the laughter here and there but it won’t be the same as before. Hurt people tend to replace joy with other habits such as sleeping a lot, staying locked away from others, not going out with friends, drugs, smoking, and alcohol. Some even form an eating habit.

When all else fails and you have nothing left to pull you out of the darkness because all your cries for help faltered; you succumb to your own self-destruction. You might start cutting yourself (my specialty once) to relieve the emotional pain through physical drainage. It brings relief for a time and leaves a scar that tells your stories painful truth. You might even start to starve yourself thinking it will starve the pain, or feed it and binge feed every single ache and then some may even make themselves vomit. There are so many ways that people deal with pain and it only leads to other illnesses.

At last, no one hears your cries or bothered to help you in your time of need. Hell, maybe some didn’t even believe your pain was real. Some thought it was fake or made up and some thought you were strong enough to handle it. The fact is at some point, every single one of us breaks. We shatter like glass and we struggle like hell if we have to pick up all the pieces…especially alone. How overwhelming for a sick person, right? It becomes too much and they only see the shattered pieces and make a decision to end it all.

No one just decides they want to die just because. No one knows the pain of another but with some strong understanding of human life and the way the mind work, you can potentially save a life. These people are broken individuals that lack something and are tired of pain. Meanwhile, you are parading all the joy you have in your life in front their faces while they are just asking for your time and understanding. Now time is up and you were never there and they are devastated that they have to turn to the only thing that ends it all…the bullet, the knife, the razor blade, the rope, the pills…and most of the time those things are always available and always work correctly in their favor.

There is no coming back from the dead. Someone is suffering in your life and I promise you, even if you think you know them well, they have thought about ending themselves. It’s not uncommon for even the happiest person on a bad day to think about suicide. Sometimes there are no warning signs and we have to pay attention to our people, especially our children and teens. At some point and time, we will all have the blues but not everyone will fall victim to a serious mental illness.

Most men don’t express their feelings well and they are left behind when it comes to suicide prevention. We need to let the men in our lives know that they don’t always have to be the strong one, the tough guy and the rock for everyone. They can break down and cry and have moments of weakness whenever it may be. They are entitled to be an emotional wreck just like us women. It’s okay to be a man and be tough and still know that when it hurts, it hurts, and its okay to express it.

The big thing we fail women on is postpartum depression. I think more a lot of women, that’s where the illness began. We are shamed as fat, not losing enough weight after birth, not having enough energy, not keeping ourselves up, not being the once amazing lover, not having time to do work, not being the good enough mother and wife, and we are exhausted. Someone is always criticizing bottle feeding, breastfeeding, cloth diapers, disposable diapers, pacifiers, and co-sleeping and all that bullshit. Fuck what you and everybody else thinks. So what if your husband’s mother wants this or your mom wants that and his or her sisters thinks that’s not good enough….FUCK THEM ALL!!! You are the momma and that baby is you and your husbands…do it yall way!!!!

The intimidation is causing more women after childbirth to stay in this depression longer than the typical postpardum time. It’s ridiculous that people have to throw so much bullshit at a new mom or dad for that matter. It breaks you down when you need your strength the most. It continues a destructive path because of hormones imbalances and lack of sleep and major life changes. Mothers are ending their life when their children need them most and I believe it all started in this very personally important period. Selfish? Maybe but its all personal opinion.

Photo by NIKOLAY OSMACHKO on Pexels.com

I think we all should help each other in our most vulnerable moments. A hug or a simple talk would most likely help anyone. For the new mom or dad, a new coffee maker or a night out would help. For the person who is being bullied, don’t justify the bully and disable the victim (see narcissism). Always know that someone you run into every single day is tired of living and is waiting for someone to give them some kind of hope. Be paying close attention.

I am 36 years old and I suffer from ADD-ADHD combined type and OCD. I have been diagnosed with manic depression before, now called Bipolar depression, but I am better than I used to be. I have anxiety brought on by my ADHD but on medicine, it is a lot better and manageable. I have PTSD brought on by the trauma of my daughter’s heart defect diagnoses and the events to follow. The thought of facing losing your child is unbearable and seeing what she went through was very traumatic for me. The worst part of it was I was still in the postpartum period even when she had her open heart surgery, which was the most debilitating and painful place in my life I have ever been. I am the victim of narcissist abuse. My husband, myself and my daughter are all victims of these people’s selfishness and even once we are free, damage remains done. But they always lose because playing the victim as a bully for so long only gets you found out about. Keep on playing the games while I keep on laughing and moving forward with my family.

Suicide: Are You Dying Enough Yet? Suicide...The act of ending one's own life. Such a strange and selfish thing to do on one hand but on the other, who the fuck ever cared in the first place to even make you consider the alternative???

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