#and steve and mark as the nazi zombies

[kitmarlowe]

#jeremy dyson #andy nyman #good omens #:) #i hope it has magician aziraphale in it given they're now both members of the magic circle #and steve and mark as the nazi zombies #i mean i'm probably the only one who really cares but i care a lot #i need to get the warlock effect

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

hi! do you have any pictures of the zombies from ep4, if so thank you!!

Hiya! :) Here:

#gos2 #season 2 #GOS2Spoilers #good omens spoilers #good omens #2ep4 #2i4i10 #zombies #nazi zombies #tw zombies #mark gatiss #steve pemberton #niamh walsh #andy dyson #reece shearsmith #league of gentlemen #photos #bts #bts photos

[noneorother]

By far the dumbest movie reference no one caught in Good Omens is : The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse

I'm working on a theory that requires many hours of movie watching, so here we are. Many people have already mentioned that the nazi zombies/Furfur is a The League of Gentlemen comedy troupe shoutout. But I'm taking it one step crazier. Remember the opening scene from the 1941 minisode of S2E4, the one with the london bombing and the Angel statue in the bottom right corner ?

Haha sorry my bad. That's the climax intro scene of the movie The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse. Here's the opening scene of the 1941 minisode:

You can excuse the confusion after seeing both, with how they look pretty much identical (yes this is giving me The Tales of Hoffmann PTSD, thanks for asking) And it's not very coincidental when you know who helped write the minisode.

You know, just the fourth member of The League of Gentlemen and writer of the movie LG Apocalypse. So shall we tease out all the (I'm warning you) EXTREMELY dumb quotes and story beats this terrible movie has lent to the 1941 episode? There are quite a few. But there's also a potential story arc that isn't so dumb... (TW offensive comedy, including mild gore)

In order to understand this you probably have to know a bit of background on British show The League of Gentlemen. "[A] surreal British comedy horror sitcom... follows the lives of bizarre characters, most of whom are played by three of the show's four writers – Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton, and Reece Shearsmith – who, along with Jeremy Dyson, formed the League of Gentlemen comedy troupe in 1995." You don't need to know all of the characters or backstory of the show, just that it's a fictional town with many fictional characters played by the same three writers (and an invisible fourth).

(Also known as all these people right here) Want to know who they plays a stand-in for Jeremy Dyson in LG Apocalypse and gets murdered first with black marker on his face?

Say hello, baby Sheen!

So we've seen the bombing scene, what about the car driving through fire and Aziraphale's suggestive line at the beginning?

Yup.

Do the characters make a deal with a Reece Shearsmith character to enter the real world through a church?

HECK YEAH. Bonus points for the green background.

A gag about fake lips with Steve? Sure.

Steve Pemberton seen here as a nazi zombie, and also here playing "Herr Lipp" (also known in the actual script as "the worst pun in the world" in the movie. Groan). What about Mark Gatiss Stealing binoculars from Steve to spy on two important characters? But of course.

Surely not the arm falling off too?

Oh dang. It's a big plot point in LG Apocalypse you say? Then, in the climax, does someone in dark sunglasses who doesn't know how a rifle works fire it at a main character, and the other character who he misses says fuck? Now you're pulling off my arm..

Well I'll be damned. The only difference here being Steve's head exploding, naturally.

I'll admit, I have trouble seeing where a giant 3 headed chimera beast that destroys a bunch of characters fits in at the end of the 1941 miniode, but I don't think 1941 is meant to be a stand in for the whole movie, because at that point in the movie the role of the main characters shifts to become the real versions of Shearsmith and Gatiss, not the characters. But even though the end of the movie doesn't track with 1941, I think the moral at the end is interesting : "In the church, Lipp says he will kill Gatiss. The other characters try to dissuade him, saying that once all the writers are dead, Royston Vasey will cease to exist and they will die. Lipp claims that they will in fact be better off, because as long as they're controlled by someone else they have no free will and can never change for the better. Tipps tells Lipp that because he saved the day and can therefore change, Lipp need not kill Gatiss. He persuades Lipp to hand him the gun, only for Tipps to accidentally fire it and kill Gatiss.

With all the writers now apparently dead, the residents of Royston Vasey prepare for the worst. Instead, everything calms down and The Apocalypse is averted. The characters realise they now have free will. Herr Lipp adopts some orphaned children, the vet, Mr Chinnery, finds a rabbit and is able to take care of it without killing it, and Bernice and Pauline become romantically involved. Tipps leaves the church, waving goodbye to Edward, Tubbs and Papa Lazarou. It appears that Royston Vasey can continue to exist independently of its dead creators." This struggle for free will outside of the plan originally set out by their creators, especially in the context of said creators not really caring about them anymore, really starts sending red flags up for me. Crowley's existential crisis at the beginning of S2E1 seems to be mulling over similar themes. The lack of any God narrator as in season 1 might be a change in storytelling technique, but might also point the the creator being absent, or having moved on without really letting her original creation know it gets to exist on it's own now. Funnily enough, this is the second movie with shot for shot quotes throughout, that places a specific set of characters at the center of their own deeper plot that has a meta level to the storytelling. I'm starting to think there's a pattern here...

_______________________________________ Here's my series on the Tales of Hoffmann, another movie hidden within the series.

#good omens meta #good omens 2 #good omens season two #art director talks good omens #go season 2 #go meta #good omens season 2 #good omens s2 #go2

[indigovigilance]

I was just reading through some of your meta, and was thinking about your one about Maggie being possessed by an angel. I was wondering if the fact that Nina is played by Nina Sosanya, who also played Sister Mary in season one, might be connected. I'm a bit late to the Good Omens series, has that ever been addressed? Seems odd to recast an actress as a different character in the same show, especially a show so detail orientated. Seeing as Maggie and Nina are mirrors for Aziraphale and Crowley, I'm idly wondering if they being secretly an angel, and former demon worshiper would simply would be to add an extra dimension, or if there is something more sneaky afoot. Like spies for each side watching the shop or some such.

Oh, my dear friend, it goes much deeper than that! Do not be bashful about arriving late to the game: I also did not watch S2 until about a month after it dropped, and didn't arrive on Tumblr until a month after that (literally made an account for the first time to join this fandom). The fact that I'm getting these asks at all is evidence enough that anyone can catch up. So here we go!

read on Ao3

(forgive the quality of some of these screengrabs, I'm having internet issues and Amazon is taking it out on the quality of my video)

Nina is played by Nina Sosanya, who in season 1 played Sister Mary Loquacious (I still love that name):

...and Maggie is played by Maggie Service, who in season 1 played a satanic nun as well, Sister Teresa Garrulous (inspired):

But the recycling of the first season's cast doesn't end there!

Shax is played by none other than the illustrious Miranda Richardson, returning after her delightful season 1 portrayal of Madame Tracy:

Reece Shearsmith plays Shakespeare in Season 1 and Furfur in Season 2:

Reece Shearsmith, Mark Gatiss who plays Mr. Harmony, and Steve Pemberton who plays Mr. Glozier, the [zombie] Nazis in both seasons,

worked together on the award-winning show League of Gentlemen. An article about it even appears on David Tennant's website (which I just found today, doing research for this response!). It's a fun little read, I recommend it for anyone who's interested in "the making of" type stuff.

Gatiss was also involved in Doctor Who, which is of course was (per my humble opinion) the crowning glory of David Tennant's career until he stepped into the snakeskin boots. The article indicates that all these actors have prior relationships with David Tennant and Michael Sheen and were very pleased to be cast for this show.

But notably, only Nina and Maggie are named after their actors. Given that they also play out a whole slew of fanfiction tropes (I don't think this connection has ever been written out in meta format but it is alluded to in various YouTube clipshows) it seems to be a Doylian *Clue* that something is a little bit wrong about these characters and their alleged romance.

Other than that, I think the fact that cast is being reused only tells us two things: First, these are wonderful actors and why go looking for new talent when you already have the best? Second, they love this work and they love working together on it, and the actors wanted to return just as much as Neil wanted them to continue bringing his vision to life.

I'm glad you enjoyed Maggie is Possessed, one of my very first metas! I can see that you are going in order along my meta index. If you would like to keep reading on this topic, others have contributed their thoughts on the subject, and I've linked some choice readings below:

Can't You Hear Them? by @vidavalor The Grand Unified Theory by @noneorother which addresses the slew of purportedly human characters that have oddly angelic/demonic traits What's Up with Maggie? - a chain started by @iammyownproblematicfave that I and others have contributed to

I hope that this line of inquiry gets more attention in the future. If you haven't already, the docs below are great resources to bookmark as they are constantly being updated by teams of dedicated clue-searchers:

Good Omens Crackpotting Theory Tracker Hunting for Clues

~~~

I love getting asks like this, thanks for giving me something to do while I wait for my laundry to finish. I'm so so happy that more people are arriving in this cuddly communal crucible of creativity, it's been a great community for me and I hope you join us on this whirlwind adventure of piecing together the million-piece jigsaw puzzle that Neil left for us to play with as we await Season 3!

#indigovigilance answers asks #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens maggie #good omens nina #shax #shax good omens #good omens meta #furfur #reece shearsmith #miranda richardson #madame tracy #good omens production

[vagueriddles]

I can't find a good post about it but I'm pretty sure we've heard about zombie nazis in go2 and

I AM CONNECTING THE DOTS

(mark and steve will be zombie nazis. that's it. those are the dots.)

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens season 2 #neil gaiman #the good omens zombie nazis

[buzzdixonwriter]

Gorgo

I recently rewatched Gorgo, a 1961 US / UK / Irish kaiju co-production, a film I hadn’t seen in several years (at least five, maybe as many as ten).

The last couple of times I watched it I wasn’t paying close attention, just letting it play in the background as I did other stuff.  

Now, having actually paid attention to it again, I’m delighted it holds up as well as my memory told me it did.

I first encountered Gorgo in 1961 when my father took my younger brother and I to see it as the Fine Arts Theater in Asheville, NC.

The Fine Arts, one of only two movie theaters in Asheville (there may have been a 3rd that I didn’t know about due to the segregation laws of that era) specialized in more outre’ fare and typically got the monster and horror shows, as well as the Hercules movies and =ahem!= adult dramas.

It was a memorable trip for several reasons, not the least of which being my younger brother freaking out at the climax when he turned to grab Dad’s arm only to find Dad had gone to the rest room.

Not a great movie but certainly a good one, Gorgo in retrospect was somewhat groundbreaking and as such more deserving of attention.

The late film historian Bill Warren and I would often discuss old sci-fi movies.  Bill, of course, wrote the seminal reference work on 1950s sci-fi movies, Keep Watching The Skies (highly recommended; go order it right now).

He argued that the fifties sci-fi boom may have started in 1950* but it really ended in 1962 when the last of the films put into production in the 1950s finally came out.

I argued that the line was fuzzier, greyer, with some titles showing a clearly different mindset than others released the same year.

Such is the case with Gorgo.

Basically, 1950s sci-fi is about re-establishing the status quo.  Several end quite explicitly stating this (Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers for one) while others allude to the fact that the menace may return…someday.

But their point always was that by the end of the picture things returned to what passed for normal.

Even Forbidden Planet returns to normal by destroying Altair IV and the truly god-like Krell machines found there, thus preventing anyone else from using them.

But 1960s sci-fi had an entirely different flavor, and that flavor was that by the end of the movie things had changed irrevocably and forever.

There was no going back to the way things were, there was only the new normal -- however different and bizarre that normal might be.

Gorgo is a sixties sci-fi film.

Giant monster movies -- what we now refer to as kaiju due to Japan’s dominance of the genre -- started way back in the silent era (like almost everything else in cinema, Georges Melies got there first) with King Kong as the most prominent example before the atom age.

King Kong’s success on TV in the late 40s spurred Warner Bros. to make The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and that in turn spurred Toho to make Gojira (US title:  Godzilla, King Of The Monsters) and that inspired a giant monster race on both sides of the Pacific.

England, not wanting to feel left out of the fun, made The Giant Behemoth which is an okay but underwhelming example of the genre, noteworthy only for being stop motion animators Willis O’Brien’s last feature work (he worked on other films after that, but not as an animator).

By the late 1950s Godzilla’s popularity inspired the King brothers (US slot machine distributors) to make their own giant monster movie, and despite their unfamiliarity with the genre they made several smart decisions, the first of which was hiring Eugene Lourie.

Lourie had one of those fabulous “cast your fate to the wind” careers that included working as art director on Jean Renoir films in France.

Like so many others, as the Nazis rose in power, Lourie came to America where he continued doing art direction among other behind the camera film work.  His experience with special effects got him a gig direction The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and from there he directed a few TV episodes then The Colossus Of New York (not what we’d call a kaiju film today, but definitely one of the oddest sci-fi movies ever made) and The Giant Behemoth (itself essentially a remake of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms).

When the King brothers approached him to direct Gorgo, he was reluctant, agreeing to make the film only they let him do something no other sci-fi film of the 1950s (or before!) had ever done:  Let the monsters win.

While Lourie later complained he felt the film fell short of what he intended, there’s no denying he was swinging for the outfield fence with this one.

The King brothers’ best idea was that they’d start with a 20-ft tall monster getting captured and brought to London, only for the protagonists to belatedly realize they’ve captured a baby and mama is gonna come looking for him.

It ends with Mama defeating everything humanity had to throw at it and returning to the sea with her child, the surviving humans watching them depart and realizing they can no longer consider themselves the absolute masters of all they survey.

That point gets lost in the feel-good moment of mother rescuing child, but it’s there, and it marks Gorgo as one of the first sci-fi films to embrace the concept that change was inevitable and inescapable.

Gorgo is an expertly crafted film, not perfect by a long shot, but satisfying all the way through.  Lourie’s talent as an art director contributed mightily to the film’s final dramatic effect, and the scenes of London panicking as Mama Gorgo comes looking for her child has an intensity lacking in most kaiju films.

As Bill Warren observed, there’s not a lot of originality here, but that’s okay because Lourie and the King brothers covered a number of details typically left out of movies like this, namely how the %#$@ are you going to get your kaiju back to civilization?

Sharp eyed observers will notice a lot of stock footage in this movie (with footage of the British and US navies being used interchangeably for the same ships and crews), but Lourie also disguised some of it well.  

The cost conscious King brothers filmed a lorry carrying a full size replica of Gorgo (doped up and trussed up with nets) through a deserted Piccadilly Circus by sneaking cameras in and doing a wholly unauthorized shoot early on a Sunday morning (explained away in the film as the police ordering people off the streets to reduce the danger of Gorgo escaping).

In a couple of scenes Lourie superimposes his actors over background plates shot for big budget WWII epics, creating a far larger sense of scale than the movie actually had.

The miniatures and the lighting of same are exceptionally well done and very convincing for the era.  Matte work to combine the Gorgos with humans is pretty seamless.

The Gorgo monster suit itself?  Ehhh…not quite so well done.  Call it adequate, certainly not an embarrassment, but far from the best example of the genre.

The movie certainly ended in a far different place than other kaiju of the era and ended up having a surprisingly long half-life as a comic book spin off by Steve Ditko that followed the adventures of Gorgo and his Mama.

There’s a lot that can be done with this kaiju combination, and it’s a shame that’s going to waste.

If ever there was a movie deserving of an upgraded remake, it’s Gorgo.

  © Buzz Dixon

  * When a particular epoch in pop culture starts / stops is always open to debate.  Since Bill wouldn’t consider short films or serials in Keep Watching The Skies he omits several serials released before 1950 that anticipated the sci-fi boom, in particular The Purple Monster Strikes, the first of Republic’s Martian invasion serials as well as the first cinematic sci-fi excursion to include all of the key elements of 1950s American sci-fi:  Paranoia, alien invasion, body possession.  (For those keeping score at home, the Republic Martian serials are The Purple Monster Strikes, Flying Disc Man From Mars, and Zombies Of The Stratosphere though one can argue King Of The Rocket Men, Retik, The Moon Menace, and Commando Cody, Sky Marshall Of The Universe are crossovers of one kind or another; the first three serials were unintentionally linked when cost conscious Republic decided to recycle costumes and props and rewrote dialog to refer to prior releases in order to cover their budgetary limits.)

#media #science fiction #Gorgo #Eugene Lourie

[fuckyeahdarcylewis]

Dating Undead

by CatrinaSL

Steve enjoys some team building with the Avengers and discovers that his Soulmate is neither a nazi nor a zombie.

Words: 506, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 137 of A Simple Device

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M

Characters: Steve Rogers, Darcy Lewis, Avengers Team (MCU)

Relationships: Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers

Additional Tags: SHIP DARCY LEWIS WITH ALL THE THINGS, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Team as Family, Team Bonding, Avengers Family, Video & Computer Games

via AO3 works tagged 'Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers' https://ift.tt/2uRlhl3

#AO3 works tagged 'Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers' #darcy lewis #steve rogers #darcy x steve #fanfictions #soulmates!AU

[darcy-and-steve]

by CatrinaSL

Steve enjoys some team building with the Avengers and discovers that his Soulmate is neither a nazi nor a zombie.

Words: 506, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 137 of A Simple Device

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M

Characters: Steve Rogers, Darcy Lewis, Avengers Team (MCU)

Relationships: Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers

Additional Tags: SHIP DARCY LEWIS WITH ALL THE THINGS, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Team as Family, Team Bonding, Avengers Family, Video & Computer Games

darcysteve love via AO3 works tagged 'Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers'

#darcy x steve #starcy #shieldshock #IFTTT #Feedly

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 1

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking,   2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

(note: I may have overrated some Hollywood blockbusters, like Marvel films, at a time when I was starved of the big budget spectacle coming off a time when I hadn't much time to watch movies. After nearly 30 volumes of new & old movies plus tv shows, I would not waste time or money or overhype my enjoyment of anything mainstream & popular just because all the bells & whistles woo'd me... I hope. Hey, I even avoided seeing the first new 20tens Star Wars reboot in theaters & on home video so far. That's saying  something. Maybe I restored some integrity even though I still have arguably cheesy taste.)

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"The People vs. George Lucas" *Case dismissed*  3 stars

"Flash Gordon" 1980 *Holy Joe Namath*  3 stars

"One Million Ac/Dc" *Psssss, wanna see naked pictures of your sister?*  3 stars

Jan Svankmajer "Conspirators of Pleasure"  3 stars

Kolchak The NightStalker"Horror in the Heights" *Sasquatch in disguise*  3 stars

"The Exorcist 3" starring George C. Scott and Brad Dourif *Invitation to the dance*  3 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 6* Safety and cynicism*  2 1/2 stars

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 The Secret of the Ooze" *An xl double cheese with mutated fish paste delivered to Dr. Moreau of Long Island."*  2 1/2 stars

Mark Borchardt "Coven" *Stephen King's Clerks* 2 stars

"Raw Meat" featuring Donald Pleasance *A subway Sawney Bean*  3 stars

"The Curious Dr. Humpp" *Sci fi nudie horror Prequel to a boner infomercial* 2 1/2 stars

Dario Argento's "Opera" *Puts the eye in Italian*  3 stars

"Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of MyLittle Pony" *Dignifies the derided, but do they deserve it?* 2 1/2 stars

"The Garbage Pail Kids" *"Did I do that?" Urkel. It's that level of annoying.* 1 1/2 stars

"Johnny Mnemonic" Japanese cut *Robo-dolfphin FTW! Dolph Lundgren MVP.*  3 stars

"Hellraiser: Bloodline" *Event Horizon: A New Hope* 2 stars

"Thundercrack" sexploitation* Scat on a hot tin roof*  2 stars

Kevin Smith's "Red State" *Superbad in Waco circa 1993*  3 stars

"Buckeroo Banzai" *"Leftfield entertainment"*  3 stars

Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely" *"The Lord wants us to jump out of a plane without a parachute."*   3 stars

Star Wars 'Downfall of the Old Republic' fan edit *makes the prequels almost seem tolerable*  2 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool with surprise guest Eugene Levy Kenneth Branagh and Frank Darabont present "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein" featuring Robert Deniro as the monster between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents"The Grudge" starring Bill Pullman and Buffy *"This movie dishes out horror by the thimble full."* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

"The ABC'S of Death"'

'A Is For Apocalypse'- Nacho Vigalondo 3 stars

'B is for Bigfoot' Adrian Garcia Bogliano 2 1/2 stars

'C is for Cycle' Ernesto Diaz Espinoza 3 stars

'D is for Dogfight' Marcel Sarmiento 2 1/2 stars

'E is for Exterminate' Angela Bettis 2 stars

'F is for Fart' Noburu Iguchi 1 1/2 stars

'G is for Gravity' Andrew Traucki 1/2 a star

'H is for Hydro electric diffusion' Thom Malling 2 1/2'

'I is for Ingrown' Jorge Michel Grau 3 stars

'J is jidai geki aka samurai movie' Yudai Yamaguchi 2 stars

'K is for Klutz' Anders Morganthaler 2 stars

'L is for Libido' Timo Tjahjanto 3 stars

'M is for Miscarriage' Ti West zero stars

'N is for Nuptials' Bajong Pisanthankun 2 1/2 stars

'O is Orgasm' Bruno Forzani and Helene Cattet 2 1/2 stars

'P is for Pressure' Simon Rumley 2 stars

'Q is for Quack' Adam Wingard 1 star

'R is for Removed' Srdjan Spasojevic 3 stars

'S is for Speed' Jake West 2 stars

'T is for Toilet' Lee Hardcastle 3 stars

'U is for Unearthed' Ben Wheatley 2 1/2 stars

'V is for Vagitus' Kaare Andrews 3 stars best so far

'W is for WTF!' Jon Schnepp 2 stars'

'X is for XXL' Xavier Gens either zero or 2 1/2 stars

'Y is for Young Buck' Jason Eisner either zero or 3 stars

'Z is for Zetsumetsu aka extinction' Yoshi Nishimura 2 1/2

Masters of Horror Joe Dante's "The Screwfly Solution "*It's not nice to screw with Mother Nature*  3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Energy Eater" *Indian Giver*  2 1/2 stars

Cannon films "White of the Eye" starring David Keith *Twangy Giallo* 3 stars

Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm 2" *Yellow No. 5*   3 stars

rifftrax presents Ed Wood's "Plan 9: From Outer Space" *"Eck, shouldn't have microwaved that twinkie!"* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace "Scotch Mist" *"Sometimes you have to be a bigot to beat a bigger bigot."* 2 1/2 stars

John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness" *Bill Nye the exorcism guy*  3 stars

Twin Peaks: "Slaves and Masters" *War of Northern Aggression*  3 stars

Don Mancini's "Curse of Chucky" *Charles Lee Ray returns to his roots. I was sort of hoping this was a direct sequel to part 3 with Bride and Seed not happening, but the reveal of the stitches and  some other story elements proved otherwise. Oh, well. Nice touch with the backstory and Brad Dourif running around looking like an even creepier Tommy Wiseau in the 80s. The cameos are either a nice homage to the series or needless fan service and not knowing when to quit.*   3 stars (minus maybe half a star for the after credits sequence)

"Waterpower" xxx  Jamie Gillis is The Enema Bandit *Freedom of the body... freedom of '76. This movie was brought to you by the mafia and Nathan's Hot Dogs*   either zero stars or three stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater with special guest horror host Zacherly "Jakarta" a Charles Kaufman film *A noir No Reservations with a hardboiled Anthony Bourdain*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Spanish Moss Murders" *Stiffling dreams brings the Swamp Thing*   3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "City of the Living Dead" *Schlitz on tap*  2 1/2 stars

"The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" featuring the special fx of Ray Harryhausen and starring Dr. Who's Tom Baker as an evil sorcerer   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Battle Beyond the Stars" *Luke SkyWalton*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Buffalo Rider" *like a rhinestone pachyderme* 2 stars with riffing 1 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Joe's Apartment" *Willard, the musical* 2 stars

Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses" *Fulci's eyeball in a bag of circus peanuts lying on the floor next to Sherri Moon's Big Daddy Roth underoos*  2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 2 *A very musical edition. But yet again with the Steve Vai stalker and her queefing... ugh.*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Future Force" starring David Carradine *In an age populated by retarded rent-a-cops...* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive" starring Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, Yeardley Smith and including the music of AC/DC *Clever premise silly execution. This crazy scenario is what we get for the trucker fad of the seventies*  2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 3 *Jackie Gleason with a screw loose,  japanese school girl mass suicide, Nazi Donald Duck, and much more*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Towering Alan" *the common touch*   2 1/2 stars

"Retard O Tron 2" *These moronic mix tapes are starting to wear thin on me*   2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater 25th Anniversary of "Night of the Living Dead" with special guest Tom Savini and his film "Night of the Living Dead" 1990 *You're beginning to become a badass Barb-ara*  3 stars

Masters of Horror Dario Argento's "Pelts" starring Meat Loaf and John Saxon *Slap dash and horrific*  3 stars

"Hot Dreams" 1983 xxx *has a thread of tension that elevates it*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks" *Forget grandma, protect the t.v.!*   2 1/2 stars

"Vampires Suck" *Like a creep with pointy teeth, it leers unashamedly.* zero stars

Don Coscarelli's "John Dies at the End" *sawsome awes*  3 stars

"Lost and Found Video Night: Vol. 1" 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "The Happening" *Differently dumb marky mark and doey zoey awkwardly reconnect their dead romance during pants shitting doom / cartoon revenge of the earth day* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

TV Funhouse: "Western Day"  3 stars

"Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy" *Feels more like another 90s Lorne Michaels' movie than it does everything that was great about the sketch show*   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Clive Barker's "Nightbreed" *It was a graveyard smash.*   3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Troll 2" *a double decker baloney sandwich* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

"Edward Penishands" *on the bucket list of films for fudging weirdos like me.* 2 stars

Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna present "From Beyond" *Third eye erogenous zone*  3 stars

"Birdemic: Shock and Terror" *"Heal the world." Michael Jackson* 1 1/2 stars with riffing without riffing 1/2 a star until the actual birdemic starts and then maybe 1 star

Masters of Horror John Carpenter's "Pro Life" starring Ron Perlman  3 stars

South Park double feature ----------

"Trapped in the Closet" *The Cruise, Travolta, and Scientology jabs will sting and be relevant for a long time, probably, but the R. Kelly  joke is really dated. I'd already forgotten about his whole  silly closet song from 2000 whenever.*  3 stars

"Go God Go" 3 stars

-------------------------------

"Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie"   *Interestingly absurd commentary on mall culture that would make a strange double feature with Romero's Dawn.* 2 stars

The Hitchhiker: Dark Wishes *Kindness with kill'em*  2 stars

Twin Peaks "Double Play" *Riposte* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Revenge is the Nuts" guest starring Isaac Hayes  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Highlander" *That sensation you're feeling is called The Quickening. Brought to you by Nestle's Quik*   3 stars

Kolchak The Night Stalker "Bad Medicine" *Chief Trance A Ho* 2 1/2 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Lifeforce" starring Steve Railsback, Peter Firth, and Patrick Stewart as a sexy bride of Dracula *Count Tesla* 3 stars

"The Last Shark" featuring Vic Morrow  2 1/2 stars

TV Carnage "Casual Fridays"   3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "To Kill a Mocking Alan" *"I'm such a big head." -Alan*    3 stars

Roger Corman's "The Raven" starring Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and Jack Nicholson   *Tongue in cheek and coughing up blood.* 2 1/2 stars

Masters of Horror "Sounds Like"   *Watch this and for once you will sympathize with a telemarketer, believe it or not.* 3 stars

Monstervision presents: A Very Joe Bob Christmas *Rusty the mail girl and some other bimbos sing ear slaughtering Christmas carols.* "Gremlins"  3 stars

Parasite aka Mutant featuring demi moore *People who need people are the worst... worse than slimey soul sucking slugs*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Clint Howard "Ice Cream Man" 3 stars for the interview 2 for the movie

Masters of Horror "The V Word" guest starring Michael Ironside *What happened to the piss and vinegar of youth?*   3 stars

"Q, The Winged Serpent" a Larry Cohen film featuring Richard Roundtree, David Carradine, and a manic, brilliant performance by Michael Moriarty     3 stars

rifftrax presents "Prisoners of the Lost Universe" featuring John Saxon *Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor, an Imp, a Neanderthal, and a Navi....Looney Tunes meets sword and sorcery*   2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 without

"The Crazy Dave Tape 2" *maybe you were 12 or so and there was this older teen in the neighborhood who you thought was cool and he let you hang out with him some, but he was way too into horror movies, firecrackers, porno mags, shooting cats in the butt with b b guns,listening to metal records, popping wheelies on his dirtbike, and smoking pot?  that's the kind of person who'd make this vhs mix tape*   2 stars

"Found Footage Festival: Vol 2"   3 stars

Cannon Films presents "Exterminator 2" *The Dark Knight Returns and engulfs New Jack City*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Devil's Platform" *Stygian lobbyist*  3 stars

Fangoria presents "Mindwarp " starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm *The Dig Dug Have Eyes. A MMORPG, and at risk teen PSA, for the Sega CD generation.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'The Apes of Wrath' *We were young, we were physically fit, and we were challenging logic.*   3 stars

"42nd Street Forever" *'Golden Age of Porn' film trailers.*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Sore for Sighted Eyes"  3 stars

Roger Corman's NEW WORLD PICTURES "The Arena" starring Pam Grier  3 stars

Masters of Horror John Landis presents "Family" starring George Wendt *A "Master of Horror" shouldn't use sketchy cgi.*  2 1/2 stars

"The Crazy Dave Tape 1" *Italians have the best weddings, kay!?*  2 stars

"The Beast that Killed Women" *Actual nudists are more scary than a guy in a gorilla suit.*   1 1/2 stars

The Asylum presents "I Am Omega" *Asylum movies are never aesthetically pleasing, but at least this one doesn't have cheap CGI ghouls. Also,it doesn't hurt that this source material has already yielded three other good movies.*  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Howling: 7 - New Moon Rising" *An Aussie Tommy Wiseau's honky tonk lycanthrope.*   1 star

Masters of Horror Richard Matheson and Tobe Hooper present their version of Ambrose Bierce's "The Damned Thing" *Black Gold*  2 1/2 stars

"American Ninja" starring Michael Dudikoff *Rebel without a set of pajamas*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Rich Tradition of Magic" *Where's the Terrance and Phillip, buddy?*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Basic Alan" *That close to being infamous.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - "Viva Knievel!" *Bring me the head of Jerry Garcia!*   3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Godzilla vs. Monster Zero" *The visitors from Planet X are buttnoids.  Crank up the Slim Whitman.*             2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs and special guests SCTV's Count Floyd and USA UP All NIGhT's Rhonda Shear John Carpenter's "In the Mouth of Madness" *We've only just begun to live*    3 stars

rifftrax presents Star Wars: Episode 1 "The Phantom Menace" *Pod Racing belongs on ESPN 8* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Kolchak, The Nightstalker "Firefall" *Grisley Candleabra*  3 stars

"Satanis, The Devil's Mass" *If you're going to San Fran Cisco... be sure to visit the Church of Satan. They seem pretty down to earth aside from their pretentiousness.*  2 1/2 stars

"Alligator" 1980  starring Robert Forster *Police seek to punish society for their own illicit desires. / Freud.                      See you later, alligator. / Jung*  3 stars

X Files "One Breath" 2 1/2 stars

"Creepshow 2" *'The Raft' felt like a Junji Ito manga.*  3 stars

rifftrax presents "Breaker Breaker" starring Chuck Norris *Shanghai'd? Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Keep on truckin!* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

retard o tron mixtape vol 3 *less mtv's ridiculousness more internet retardedness* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" *Toasty! Grilled cheese.*  2 stars

rifftrax with Mike Nelson and special guest Weird Al "Jurassic Park" 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Hammer Films "The Blood Beast Terror" *Heavy handed with the Mary Shelley*  2 1/2 stars

2EVERYTHING2TERRIBLE2 Tokyo Drift  3 stars

"Beach Babes from Beyond" starring Sylvester and Frank Stallone's mom, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's uncle, Adam West's Robin, Burt Ward, John Travolta's brother Joey, plus Linnea Quigley *Daytona Beach, California. DUH!*  2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents Patrick Swayze's "Roadhouse" a Mike Nelson solo *The pilot for John Taffer's Bar Rescue* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Buster Keaton's "The Scarecrow" *We got married in a fever* 3 stars

"Grizzly" 1976 *Why didn't they just arm everyone with grenade launchers to begin with?*        3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Roddy Piper "Immortal Combat" *Meg Foster as an evil dragon lady, Sony Chiba as the old dog cop with a samurai sword, Tiny Lister as a gorilla with a heart of gold, and Hot Rod himself as the happy go lucky hero, plus some goofy looking bodybuilders turned into mindless karate warriors by Mayan voodoo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Next of Kin" ozploitation *Can you hear the thunder? - Men At Work* 3 stars

"Retard-o-tron mixtape vol 1" *can't tell if they're celebrating all the 'xtreme' sports crap as cool or not*        zero stars and or 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents "The Room" *Tommy Wiseau tossing around the football with Crow and Tom Servo.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

monstervision with joe bob briggs Larry Cohen's "It's Alive" *This would make Nancy Grace's brain melt and pour out of her huge nostrils.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Dark Place" 'Skipper the Eyechild'  3 stars

The Simpsons - Trick or Treehouse - Heaven & Hell "Bart's Soul" plus "Lisa the Skeptic" *Classics*  3 stars

"Creature" featuring a pervy Klaus Kinski *This Alien ripoff even has its own Ripley rip off*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Watership Alan" *"Can you make pornography come on my tele, please?"*  3 stars

"Scream and Scream Again" Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter CUshing, Judy Dench *Deep fried BladeRunner*  2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 with special guest Anne Francis of "Forbidden Planet" also starring Leslie Nielson *To thine ownself be cruel*  3 stars

Georgina Spelvin "The Devil in Miss Jones" *She sauntered through the mist unshackled by her veil.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker "When Morning Comes" 3 stars

Twin Peaks "Checkmate" *Great monolouge at DEAD DOG by Michael Parks about Agent Cooper and the trippy bizarre ending saved the episode*  3 stars

Luis Bunuel's "The Young One" *Sorghum sweet*  3 stars

"Run! Bitch Run!" *Syfy presents Rube Zombie's "RapeNado: The Revenge"* 1 star

Roger Corman's "Swamp Women" *Dirty, desperate dames.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Unseen" *Creepy incest brother sister upstairs, mongoloid manbaby killer in the cellar, Guess Jeans / Vagisil model houseguest victims* 2 1/2 stars

X Files "3" *Gen X blood fetishes are Xtremely pretentious.*   2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's pick "Nurse Nancy" xxx *not worth going to jail over, but i support pee wee and his pee pee.* 2 stars

Ken Russell's film of "The Devils" 3 stars

Udo Kier in "Spermula" *nookie kryptonite* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Future Hunters" *The liquid metal terminator was in a Fillipino ripoff of MadMax / Raiders of the Lost Ark / Enter the Dragon / Rambo / Die Hard / Return of the Jedi / Treasure Island / Amazon Women / and Terminator  before he was even in James Cameron's T2.* 3 stars

"Hotel Paradise" *The loins of liberty.*  3 stars

John Holmes as Johnny Wadd in "Blonde Fire" 2 1/2 stars

Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon" *History is made by the scoundrels.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool   with a special guest hollywood workout instructor and the feature film "Conan the Barbarian" *Fitness fads for yuppies from the Ally McBeal & Friends era adds nothing to the experience of trying to watch a sword and sorcery adventure movie. TNT stinks.*  3 stars for the movie  zero for the TNT stuff

"Meatballs 3: Rudy's Big Challenge" special appearance by a younger Shannon Tweed *every time a bell rings a nerd pops his cherry. ding a ling*   2 1/2 stars

Roger Corman presents "Suburbia" a film by Penelope spheeris *"Have you hugged your kid, today?" Flea*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs "The Road Warrior" *Wheeling in a wasteland wonderland*  3 stars

Jules Verne's "The Mysterious Island" special FX by Ray Haryhausen 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "The Fly" *Brilliant bug out*  3 stars

Russell Simmons presents Abel Ferrara's "The Addiction" *Hip half-dead histrionics* 1/2 a star

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Children of the Corn 2 "The Final Sacrifice" *Corn nut children's cult, contaminated corn crop conspiracy, cantakerous old crows, corny cgi.*  2 stars

Mario Bava's "Planet of Vampires" *Feels like a similar universe to Prometheus and Alien.* 3 stars

"The Monkey Hu$tle" *Pot meat and greens* 2 1/2 stars

Amber Lynn in "Amber Aroused" *That weird period of time after Return of the Jedi when R2 palled around with Ron Jeremy.*  3 stars

"Maniac" 1934 *billy goat curse* 3 stars

John Carpenter presents "Bodybags" *The Gas Station 2 1/2 stars Hair 2 1/2 stars Eye 3 stars*

"Five Bloody Graves" *fatalist western* 2 1/2 stars

USA UP ALL NIGHT with Rhonda shear plus 90s commercials "Shocker" *Charles Lee Ray The Lawnmower Man on Elm Street walks The Green Mile* 1 1/2 stars

"Nightmare Beach" starring John Saxon and Michael Parks *Scorcher* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'Hell Hath Fury' *A punch and judy* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Alan Attraction" *You're sacked*  3 stars

MST3K presents "Quest of the Delta Knights" *Davinci Archimede gobbledy*   2 STARS with spoofing 1 1/2 without

John Waters' "Polyester" *Odorous*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies" *A big creepy house is not a home without a few demonic munchkins running about.*  2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks "The Black Widow" 2 1/2 stars

"The Devonsville Terror" featuring Donald Pleasance *Pilgrims' Unrest*  3 stars

Shannon Tweed in "Nightfire" *Horses, hot-tubs, and handguns.* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Circus" *Jaundiced critique of bonafide mystique.* 3 stars

John Carpenter's "Vampires" featuring James Woods as your Peter Cushing Van Helsing type, a pudgy Danny Baldwin as his hung over looking assistant, and Laura Palmer as a Lucy Westerena  3 stars

"Shakes, The Clown" *There's a tear in my beer. It's called Pathos.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Embrace of the Vampire" *Coffee house Bram Stoker. Bit more sweet than bitter* starring Alyssa Milano and the guy from Spandau Ballet 2 stars

Troma's "Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy" *"The bored slowdance of those who've done everything"* 1 1/2 stars

The Hitchhiker "Best Shot" *Jackass yuppies*  3 stars

"The Blob" 80s remake *Gives Carpenter's "The Thing" a run for its money.* 3 stars

Dr. Who *fourth doctor* "The Sontaran Experiment" *Humpty Dumpty's Empire had a great fall.*  3 stars

"Hell High" 1989 *When green sliming someone goes horribly wrong.*  3 stars

rifftrax "reefer madness" *smoke pot just once and you'll wind up on trial for MURDER!* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Fred Olen Ray's "Dinosaur Island" *topless cave chicks, hot springs hot tubs, & T-Rex terror* 3 stars

"Flash Fire" starring Tom Skerritt *Slow burner about watching your dream go up in smoke.*   3 stars

"Nude for Satan" *Hotel Californication* 1 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Friday the 13th: Part 6 "Jason Lives" *A strawberry jelly donut with the filling sucked out by vampire censors.*   2 1/2 stars

Commander UsA's Groovie Movies "Blade Master" starring Miles O'Keeffe aka Tarzan as Ator *Stone Age Man say NO NUKES!*  1 1/2 stars

Troma's "War" *LOST meets Rambo meets SouthPark*   3 stars

"Kongo" 1932 *Fiendin' for bad juju*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Tobe Hooper's "Funhouse" *Why buy the (2-headed) cow (a wedding ring)  when you can get the milk (and nookie) fer free?*  3 stars

Mermaid Man, Ernest Borgnine and The Crow, Brandon Lee team up for "Laser Mission" *Easy going espionage*  2 stars

Marilyn Chambers in "Behind The Green Door" 1 star up until the trippy money shot sequence and 3 stars for everything including it and after

Tales from the Crypt "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today." *Witchy Wife Swap*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Gene Roddenberry's "Genesis 2" *Idiocracy of the Demolition Man in Futurama*   2 1/2 stars

X Files "Ascension" guest starring Steve Railsback   3 stars

Udo Kier in "Mark of the Devil" *Stupid Superstition*  3 stars

Rifftrax "Wickerman" remake *Un-Cage'd WOMYN of Silent Hill... erm Isle.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Stuart Gordon's "Fortress" starring Christopher Lambert & Kurtwood Smith *Andy Duframe is preggers with an Apple I-baby.*   3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Getting into Heaven" 2 1/2 stars

"Equinox" 1970 *Classic monster movie FX hootenanny  and middle finger to SYFY.*   3 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert stack *Fat, invalid husband's embezzling wife vanishes with kids, suspect son's mom murdered in car at carson city casino, custody dispute and walmart disappearance, crazy canadian's strange death in states,  shot on a desolate road by mysterious man in a black pickup truck, kroq confess your crime joke segment goes horribly wrong  with a grim call in that turns out to be a big hoax, reconstructing the image of a long dead jane doe murder victim*   2 stars

"Deranged" *Folksy necromancy*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "A Room with an Alan" *The original Stephen Colbert character.*  3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Bikini Airways" *The Skanky Skies* 2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Once Upon a Beginning *"The most significant televidual event since Quantum Leap."* 3 stars

Director's Cut of Highlander 2 "The Quickening" *A unicorn with a flying v guitar around its neck  and its ass hanging out the back of a Hummer stretch limo  teetering over the edge of a volcano and shitting half digested Ben Franklin(S).*  1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Bad Biology" *Imagine Georgia O'Keefe scissoring Slim Shady, Wu Tang's ODB, Biz Markie, and Eazy E.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Psychotronic Man" *Floyd 'The Barber' gets all Criss Angel 'Mindfreak.'*   1/2 a star

Joe Bob's Summer School *Advanced Primate Studies* "Escape from the Planet of the Apes" *Joe Bob's theory on the proliferation of dumb people, by studying them at walmart, being an evolutionary necessity might have influenced Mike Judge a little in making his movie "Idiocracy."* 2 1/2 stars... needs more apes

"Gator Bait" *Red on the head, fire in the (w)hole.*  3 stars

"TUrkey Shoot" starring Steve Railsback *So-ciety, yer spiteful, indeed.*  3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Forbidden World" *Dingwhopper*  3 stars

Dario Argento presents "The Church" *Go now you've been set free. Like a real reptile.*  2 1/2 stars

"Night Eyes" starring Tanya Roberts and Andrew Stevens *bohunk bodyguard, voyeur, and lover.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" *Smug George Clooney versus sardonic Mike Nelson.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"Madhouse" starring Vincent Price *Queer regret.*  3 stars

Disney's "Secrets of Pirates Inn" 2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "To Live and Die in L.A." *Angels with dirty faces.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Hell Night" *Hazing. Heavy petting. Horror hijinx. Haunted Mansion. Hills Have Eyes type heavies.*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night "Nair WitcH" segments *Less bad 3's Company sitcom humor attempts by TNT. More hillbilly horror afficiando featuring just Joe Bob.* and the feature movie presentation "Child's Play 2" *I remember Siskel being really bothered by these movies, because the victim of all the horror was a child.*   3 stars

"Street Trash" *The rot gut and rough hewn.*  3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "Beetles" 2 1/2 stars

H. Gordon Lewis' "Scum of the Earth" *Sleazoids use blackmail to get unfortunate women to pose nekkid.* 2 1/2 stars

Mario Bava's "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" 2 1/2 stars

"Blood Beach" *Jaws wannabe with a tv movie amount of action and fx.*   2 1/2 stars

"Red Hill" *Aussie High Plains Drifter*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Fog" *John Carpenter's Sunken Starship 'We Built This City on Lepers' Gold'*   3 stars

"Caligula" *Grotesque gods of gore and genital glorification."  3 stars

Brian Depalma's "Dressed to Kill" *Hitchcock in high heels.*  3 stars

MST3K "Zombie Nightmare" starring Adam West, Thor, and Tia Carrere 3 stars with spoofing 2 without

Abel Ferrara's "China Girl" *ramen with marinara"  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs  "The Kiss" *kill your kin and live again*   3 stars

Brian Yuzna's "Bride of Re-Animator" *Arkham affordable care extends into the afterlife.*   3 stars

X Files "Duane Barry" guest starring Steve Railsback 3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney "The Ghost of Cypress Swamp" starring Vic Morrow   3 stars

"Infested" aka "Ticks" *Clint Howard, Carlton, seth Green, and one of the Bosom Buddies. Great casting. Great creature fx.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Abominable Snowman" starring Forest Tucker and Peter Cushing *Ra's al Ghul not believe in yeti and no should you. capiche?* 2 stars

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" *Wayne's World with two bigger boobs.*  3 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis presents "Something Weird" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *Be square and unaware. There's no truth out there.*   1 star

Twin Peaks "Masked Ball" *David Duchovny as Denise the DEA agent.*  3 stars

"The Rapture" starring Mimi Rogers *Filling the void or avoiding the fill.*   3 stars

"cut throats nine" *Manly spaghetti westerns were often dubbed with the same silly irreverence as sissy boy animes would end up with.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Ultimate Warrior" starring Yul Brynner and Max Von Sydow *Stone Cold Mr. Clean against the tomato raiders.*  3 stars

Umberto Lenzi's "Eaten Alive" *Jonestown massacre and weenie roast.* either 3 stars or zero stars for tasteless cruelty.

"Nipples and Palm Trees" *It's Always Horny in California... and depressing"   2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "The Brides of Dracula"  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night Hollywood Halloween in search of the "Nair Witch" segments *TNT tried to ruin Monstervision by taking Joe Bob out of the trailer park.* and the feature movie Brian Depalma's "Carrie" *John Travolta at his manprettiest saying "Git'r done"as he slaughters a pig.*   3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Came the Dawn" *Brooke Shields is bland and boring in everything she does.*   2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Rabid" starring Marilyn Chambers *I drink your maple syrup. I eat your Canadian bacon.*  3 stars

Stuart Gordon's "The Inquisitor" starring Lance Henriksen *Mercy Me. I can only imagine."  3 stars

Doctor Who (the fourth doctor) "The Ark in Space" starring Tom Baker *Animal crackers in my celestial soup.*   3 stars

"Talk Dirty To Me One More Time" featuring Harry Reems   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs Wes Craven's "Swamp Thing" starring Adrienne Barbeau* "Run through the jungle." Creedence Clearwater Revival.*   3 stars

The Hitchiker "Secret Ingredient"  3 stars

Cannon films presents "River of Death" *Michael Dudikoff's Frank Miller style narration.*   3 stars

William Lustig's "Maniac Cop" *Introduce a little anarchy.*   3 stars

Ken Russell's "The Lair of the White Worm" *I kept expecting Dylan Moran, Simon Pegg, and The Cure to show up.*   2 1/2 stars

Todd Solondz "Happiness" *This Robert Altman shit depresses me.* either zero stars or three

Joe Bob's SummerSchool presents "Conan: The Destroyer" *Hannah Montana wants Arnold and his pecs to teach her sex, but Shaquille O'Neal has agreed to satisfy evil queen Nancy Grace's lust for virginal sacrifice. Also a big Amazon lady, an Oriental magician, the trusty imp, and this ancient horned dragon god.*   3 stars

Are you afraid of the dark? "Tale of Vampire Town" *Corey Feldman's cousin's parents try to be understanding about their son's need to cosplay and roleplay as Wesley Snipes' character Blade.*   2 1/2 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2" *The only shelter on cursed islands is some rickety shack. Spanish explorers never fully decompose. Sharks don't like it, when a zombie is the one doing the biting.*  3 stars

Mario Bava's "Black Sunday" *Cedric the Entertainer, bo bo slayer? Tyler Perry's Black Sunday. TBS very unfunny.*     3 stars

"Humongous" *Quaint little slasher.*   3 stars

Roger Corman's "Creature from the Haunted Sea" *Clever and kooky.*   3 stars

Commander USA Groovy Movies presents (edited for tv yet still disturbing) David Cronenberg's "The Brood" featuring Oliver Reed *No more psycho trauma hatched monkeys jumping on the bed*   3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside Harlan Ellison's "Djinn, No Chaser" guest genie Kareem Abdul Jabar   1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Frankenhooker" *Hetero Dahmer with a hooker's heart of gold.*  3 stars

"Bad Boy Bubby" *more disturbing than dogtooth and just as morbidly humorous. crocodile dundee in the 4th dimension* either zero stars or 3 stars

MST3K presents "Devil Fish"   *more boring than the already boring reality show Deadliest Catch.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

"Loose Screws: Screwballs 2" *Not as good as the original, but still a lot of fun.*   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "The Dunwich Horror" starring Dean Stockwell *The old ones and the young ones.*   3 stars

"The Song Remains the Same" *The concert is mesmerizing. The art film moments are interesting. The backstage footage / incidents are boring. The personal life stuff is curious and a little dull. Where are the groupies being fed to sharks and black magic rituals?*   2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with host Joe Bob Briggs and special guest Linnea Quigley "Return of the Living Dead" *These are the zombies that crave brains, not every zombie does that like some so called horror fans mistakenly think.*  3 stars

X Files "Sleepless" guest starring Tony Todd *Get out of my dreams. Get into my car, Agent Scully.*     3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "My Secret Life" *Like Downton Abbey with Game of Thrones amount of uncut penis.*  2 stars

"Elvira's Haunted Hills" *Crumbling castle, medieval torture, musical numbers, and cleavage comedy.* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Gangbuster's sketchy suicide, aspiring chef's breakdowns and disappearance, topless bar waitress's jealous boyfriend and disappearance, unexplained death of astate trooper possibly by killer hippies, a strange soldier's secretive business and permanent awol,  a nice church lady  helps her prison penpal boyfriend escape and disappear,  middle aged mama's boys chizophrenic wrongly convicted and later proved innocent*   3 stars

Abel Ferrara's "Ms. 45 - Angel of Vengeance" *You say it best, when you say nothing at all.*   3 stars

Mario Bava's "Hercules in the Haunted World" with Christopher Lee as a Cthullu worshipping necromancer                       *Long expired eye candy.*  3 stars

"Humanoids from the Deep" featuring Vic Morrow *The horniest catch.*  3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Frozen Ghost" starring Melissa Joan Hart *I'm cold.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker *Hit and RUn* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Family Reunion" starring Patricia Tallman and Stephen MacHattie 3 stars

"Death Spa" *Awe, fuck this computer shit*  3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Bernie" starring Jack Black *Little pink caskets for you and me.*   3 stars

Joe Bob's SummerSchool "Pee-wee's Big Adventure "written by Phil Hartman, scored by Danny Elfman, and Directed by Tim Burton *Tex Avery would like this movie.*   3 stars

James Gunn and Llody Kaufman present "Tromeo and Juliet" 2 1/2 stars

Tom Hanks presents Tales from the Crypt "None but the Lonely Heart" starring Treat Williams   3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Screwball Academy" *A director gets to heaven. He's told he'll be making a movie. Michaelangelo will be designing the sets  and Beethoven composing the score.  He asks who his leading lady will be. The angel Gabriel says,  "That's just thething. God has this girlfriend..."*  2 stars

Russ Meyer presents "The Immoral Mr. Teas" *Narrated by Trey Parker of South Park. You'd almost swear it.* 3 stars

"Nightmare in Badham County" *The Rifleman captures women for Mr. Brady's torture plantation. "When you die, they're going to have to beat your mouth to death with a stick."* 3 stars

Jess Franco's "Faceless" *He used to do surgery on girls in the 80s.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks 'Dispute Between Brothers' *A green butt skunk... ACES.*  3 stars

Jeff Lieberman's "Just Before Dawn" *So picturesque, you'll be seeing double.* 3 stars

Tennessee Williams' "Baby Doll" featuring Eli Wallach *She sho grow'd up*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Beyond Thunderdome" *Elderly Beyonce exiles Bret Hitman Hart to Never Never Land.* 2 1/2 stars

"Black Roses" *Poetry loving cool teacher tries to save his students from a satanic Winger concert.*  2 stars

Ken Russell and The Who present "Tommy - A Rock Opera" *Reach out and touch faith.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Damnation Alley" *The A Team travels across the Cursed Earth.*   2 1/2 stars

"The Sword and the Sorcerer" starring Richard Lynch *Atari Game of Thrones*  3 stars

"The Sentinel" Chris Sarandon is "legion" *Who lynches the Watchmen?*   3 stars

Dial 'N' for Nikki *Crank Yankers* 1 star

Abel Ferrara's "Driller Killer" *Depraved Demo tape. hipsters worse than homeless bums*   2 1/2 stars

"The Nest" *Eccentric seaside town. Blood thirsty pest.* 3 stars

H.P. Lovecraft's "The Unnameable" *Arkham Animal House by the Cemetery* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt "The Third Pig" *Bobcat Goldthwait shrills some ryhming skills* 1 1/2 stars

Alex Cox's "Straight to Hell" *featuring some ugly actors and musicians.  A young Courtney Love included. Dirty Old Town*  2 1/2 stars

"Blood Diner" featuring Sheba Jackson *In the tradition of Blood Feast* 3 stars

MST3K presents Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster" *''One time, I bit into a cold tator tot''*   3 stars with spoofing... maybe a 3 without maybe less

Dr. Who "Robot" starring 4th doctor Tom Baker *Prince Albert (Einstein) in a can.*  3 stars

"Trancers" *The time 1985. The place Los Angeles. My partner's Helen Hunt. I'm Jack Deth.*  3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "Tale of the Lunar Locusts" *Green Eyed Monster* 2 stars

Elvira presents "Killers from Space" *Hal Jordan (or was it Bruce Banner?) gets all bug eyed about  space invaders and not even the smooth satisfaction of smoking can swerve him.*   1 1/2 stars

X Files "Blood" *I"m afraid of America. I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid I can't help it.*   3 stars

"Willard" starring Bruce Davison and Ernest Borgnine *"He's an extrovert. He just shows it inside."*     3 stars

The Hitchhiker "The Miracle of Alice Ames" guest starring Joe Pantoliano *Love the sinner, for her priest is her pimp.*   3 stars

"Helter Skelter" Jeremy Davies *Taking seriously hippies taking scripture literally*   2 stars

"Race with the Devil" starring Warren Oates and Peter Fonda *I'm getting too old for this shit... Warren Oates said it before Danny Glover*   3 stars

MST3k "The Final Sacrifice" *Raiders of the Lost Moose Lodge* 2 stars, eh... with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Tales from the Darkside "Ursa Minor"  2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye "Animals" *Grinning like a possum.* 3 stars

H.G. Wells' "Island of Lost Souls" *Are we not men? Or at least beasts in khakis?*  3 stars

Roger Corman and James Cameron present "Galaxy of Terror"   3 stars

Fred Dekker's "Night of the Creeps" starring Tom Atkins *Thrilled Me*  3 stars

"The Northville Cememtery Massacre" *'Rebels with a cause' angst. you'll hate your local community. I sure as hell hate mine.*  3 stars

"Five on the Blackhand Side" *Woe is them who can not swim, Jim... A few laughs but mostly preachy and dull.* 1/2 star

"the amazing mr. no legs" *He was a terrible person/torso.* 2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Bedroom Eyes 2" featuring Wings Hauser and Linda Blair *convuluted covorting* 2 1/2 stars

Terry Zwigoff's "Crumb" *Awkward Vibrations. Voluptous fixations.* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Eve and the Handy Man"  2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "Killer Joe" *He told me I needed teachin on muh Kung Fu...question: Would you let matthew McConaughey fuck your sister if it meant he'd kill your mother?* 3 stars

brian yuzna's "society" *i wanna share this with all the sanctimonious stepford wives who were always trying to show me how SAW had something to say*  3 stars

''innocent taboo'' starring porche lynn and peter north *john oates' blood, sugar, sex, black magick. a tragedy in so many acts.* 2 stars

''curse of the queerwolf''  *mr. smallbutt never did anything like this before* 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt presents fred dekker's "lower berth" 3 stars

usa up all night with rhonda shear 'cemetery high' *softcore nudity. hardcore stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

linda blair and linnea quigley in "savage streets" *'beat it' / 'love is a battlefield' era troubled youth* 3 stars

alex cox's "repo man" *love & rockets* 3 stars

alex cox's "walker" starring ed harris 3 stars

"ironmaster" 1983 *guns don't kill people (yet) as the Ice Age is just thawing.*  3 stars

mst3 kroger corman's "the undead" *smug man's folly* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

the hitchhiker 'the legendary billy b.' starring kirstie alley, andy summers of the police, and brad dourif 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "beastmaster 2: through the portal of time" *"once, two fresh princes of tattooine stood before you" - so sayeth the spin doctors*  1 1/2 stars

''long john silver'' 1954 *sometimes them that quotes the bible have less bible in their hearts than those that don't*  2 1/2 stars

commander usa's groovie movies ''the alligator people'' featuring lon chaney jr 2 1/2 stars

"Miami COnnection" *Right there with Troll 2 and The Room*   3 stars

USA Up All Night "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" 2 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Waitress" 3 stars

USA Up All Night "Virgin High" 2 1/2 stars

"American Babylon" xxx 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Slammer Girls" 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Beach Balls" 2 1/2 stars

"Killer Workout" 3 stars

sam peckinpah's "cross of iron" *"the bitch that bore him is back in heat"* 3 stars

Joe D'Amato's "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead" *What does it say when a film with this much wang and poontang is more eerie and unsettling than most current horror attempts?*  3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Wild Malibu Weekend" *In the 90s, before internet porn videos, there was a time when hot babes in bikinis on late night cable was all a horny teenage guy needed.* 2 stars

USA Up All Night "Sweet Sugar" 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "My Boyfriend's Back" *ahead of its time horror romantic comedy* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Montenegro" 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "It! The Terror from Beyond Space" 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies "Vampire's Coffin" 1 1/2 stars

MST3k "Escape 2000" not steve railsback movie 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"Fast Food" *Jim Varney aka 'Ernest goest to' a lot of trouble to keep what should be a raunchy sex comedy pg 13.* 2 stars

Troma's "Class of Nukem High" 3 stars

"Howling 3: The Marsupials" *Takes a strange trip into Alex Haley's Roots territory.* 2 stars

Troma's "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" *They should show this in sex education class. It would stop kids from fornicating and eating fast food.* 3 stars

MST3k "Squirm" *Hicksploiting and skin-crawling.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

MST3k "Angels Revenge" *Cheap Charlie's Angels clone with exploitation movie violent action and an after school special theme of drugs are bad for the youth.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"The Night Visitor" starring Max von Sydow *meticulously nail biting* 3 stars

MST3k "Time of the Apes" "Oriental Planet of the Apes wannabe with annoying child dubbing and shoestring budget fx and entertainment value.* 1 1/2 stars with spoofing 1/2 star without

"Devil Hunter" *Bug eyed cannibal god craves tender white flesh.* 2 1/2 stars

"Voodo Black Exorcist" *Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' set on 'The Love Boat'* 2 stars

"Rocktober Blood" *Ugly piggy faced metal lead singer who can hold a note til it pierces flesh and can hold his victims hostage, on stage, and force them to perform with the power of Satanic Rock.* 2 1/2 stars

"Scary Movie" 1991 starring Saul Star from Deadwood *If the title is read correctly as being in quotes, then the movie is pretty much summed up. The horror isn't the horror of the killer on the loose / haunted house setting, it's the  mind's breaking point producing such terrible results leading to horrific consequences.* 3 stars

"Vice Squad" featuring Wings Hauser *Out on the streets for a living.. black diamond...*  3 stars

"The Outing" *A mallrat 80s teen thinks she's alone now  for a night in the museum with her main squeeze, and her best pals, but her jealous and dangerous ex plus his buddy  along with an evil genie in a bottle tries to rub her the wrong way.*   2 1/2 stars

Ken Russell's "Gothic" *hysterical liberation in the romantic sense.* 3 stars

MSt3k "Werewolf" featuring the Tommy Wisseau trio of actors 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MST3k "Kitten with a Whip" *Moral politicians and sinful youth. Laughable.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

"The Burning Hell" *Religious scare film. Unintentional exploitation classic. 2 1/2 stars

Troma "Redneck Zombies" *The one guy who had to take a swig of whiskey no matter the horror or urgency of the situation... it got me everytime.* 2 1/2 stars

"W.W. and the Dixie Dance Kings" *The great almost unheard of Smoky and the Bandit prequel* 3 stars

MST3k "Hobgoblins" *It's like some producer saw Gremlins and stole a  costume shop's puppets and filmed this over a weekend at a few bland Los Angeles / nothin' happenin' locations.* 2 with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MSt3k "Soultaker" starring Charlie Sheen's uncle *Southern Belle too dainty and flippish for afterlife.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Sorrority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl o Rama" featuring Linnea Quigley *Linnea is the likeable bad girl, as usual, and the evil genie puppet has a hilarious voice.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rollerblade The Movie" *Stephen King's 'The Dark Tower' if it were reimagined by the folks at Everything Is Terrible'* 1 1/2 stars

"Tourist Trap" starring Chuck Connors "Surreal Slasher"   3 stars

"Neon Maniacs" *The Village People are sent to hell for their sinful ways and return as Cenobites to stalk spunky and square teens in the land of the Rice a Roni treat.*  2 1/2 stars

"A Coming of Angels" xxx *Charlie's Angels stupid supblot, but it has an S & M sex slave dungeon and a nicely snowy, isolated setting.* 2 1/2 stars

"Pretty Peaches part 2" xxx *Studs with a troubled past who get hired to look after a stable of horses owned by a wealthy, foreign cripple always get to stroke the suffering from lack of a sex life wife.* 2 1/2 stars

"Neon Nights" xxx *Follow the yellow brick road or ride it in a van with swingers.* 3 stars

MST3k "It lives by Night" *It sucks by day or night.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float" *There is an existential dread that comes with that coming of age trial of learning to swim.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "Maiko" *A bitter beachbum loses his grip on humanity / empathy for land lubbers.* 2 1/2 stars

"Dance of the Damned" *If Stefanie Meyer penned an uninentionally funny skinemax flick in 1993* 2 stars

"The Blood on Satan's Claws" *Blaming the devil for a bad seed from an old harvest.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The Beyond" *Lousianna Fricasseed Corpses* 3 stars

"Randy the Electric Lady" *Ballsdeep Bride of Frankenstein.* 2 1/2 stars

"Stiff Competition" xxx *Dick sucking "comes" with its own reward. No blue ribbon needed, but maybe a blue bib.* 3 stars

"new wave hookers" xxx *Bitches in heat over Flock of Seagulls.* 2 stars

"Surrender in Paradise" xxx *Women are needy castaways.* 2 1/2 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies 'The Devil's Gift' 3 stars

"Kingdom of Spiders" starring William Shatner *When Shatner is accepted as the cowboy archetype, hell will spit up its plague upon us.* 3 stars

Oliver Stone's "Seizure" *I feel sorry for Stone if his nightmares include Tattoo from Fantasy Island.* 3 stars

"Mortuary" *Creepy, corpse abusin' Bill Paxton.*   3 stars

MST3k "Deathstalker" *Robin Hood types are always self absorbed asses.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing. 2 without

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Blood Feast" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *This is what should have happened to the lady who brought Edward Scissorhands home.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3k "The Beginning of the End" *Crickets on post-cards photograhed to be earth shattering, mind blowing horror. Now, it would be million dollar CGI, and it would still be terrible.* 2 stars with spoofing. 1 1/2 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Badge" *Badge as in evil humanoid badger of some lore.* 2 1/2 stars

WitchFinder General starring Vincent Price *Makes you wonder who was filling Joe McCarthy's pockets with gold coins.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Spontaneous Combustion" starring Brad Dourif *A far less hokey Truman Show for the atomic era.* 3 stars

"Please Don't Eat My Mother" *Kinky Shop of Horrors"   3 stars

"Wheeler aka Psycho from Texas" *A feast of snakes.* 3 stars

MST3k "the Creeping Terror" *I wish GWAR would get sent back in time to the 50s,  folks would be getting eaten by giant worm costume monsters -left and right.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies 2" *Pint-sized demonic ghouls just wanna have murderous fun at the carnival. What's so wrong with that?* 2 1/2 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Suburban Roulette" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *The sex taboos of the 60s seem so routine today.* 2 stars

"Rock n Roll Nightmare" *Horrible hair metal croons. A plot twist M. Night would love.  And some demonic finger puppets.*  2 stars

"There's Nothing Out There" *Self aware horror movie done right. Usually, I hate when the 4th wall is broken, but when the hero swung from the boom mic, and no mention was made of why or he didn't look into the camera smugly to reference it afterward, I almost stood up and cheered for the clever absurdity.*   3 stars

Tell Them Johnny Wadd is here starring John Holmes 3 stars

"I Drink Your Blood." *Rabies pot pies. Yum.*   3 stars

"Midnight Ride" starring Mark Hammil and Michael Dudikoff *A live action Killing Joke with a Dark Knight in hot pursuit.* 3 stars

"Up the Creek" 1984   3 stars

The Twilight Zone "Dead Run" starring Steve Railsback *Truly frightening because it turns the afterlife into a cold system full of the red tape and soullessness of an earthly existence.*  3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney 'Mr. Boogedy' *I'm sure this pre-dates Beetlejuice, but it's similar, though blandly so and has that generic, hazy 80s suburbia Saturday afternoon tv feel about it.* 2 stars

"razorback" *the outback is hog heaven for any horrific scenario.*   3 stars

mst3k 'parts: the clonus horror' *Yuppie Bob Hope and Bob Dole types wanna make sure they can play 18 holes of golf for eternity at their country club of choice with a fresh new body every 80 years.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Dr. Giggles"  3 stars

"Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell" 3 stars

"Flesh Eating Mothers" *It's a Jersey thing. STDs included.*   2 stars

MST3k "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

You Can't Do That On Television "Nature" 3 stars

mtv's Buzzkill "Sasquatch" 2 stars

black adder 'back and forth' 3 stars

are you afraid of the dark 'the tale of the dangerous soup' 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt 'people who live in brass hearses' starring bill paxton and brad dourif 3 stars

tales from the dark side 'a serpent's tooth' 2 stars

the hitchhiker 'part of me' 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies 'the children' 2 1/2 stars

UsA Saturday Nightmares 'Living Dolls' 3 stars

'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' Jeff Goldblum and Meg Foster *I can picture Goldblum being lynched if he had lurched around awkwardly in Colonial times, and Meg would have been burned at the stake for those fiery eyes.* 3 stars

Linda Blair and the Unknown Comic in "Night Patrol" *The Unknown Comic is an acquired taste, but the movie is more decent than Police Academy.* 2 1/2 stars

"Hard Rock ZOmbies" *Like Return of the Living Dead starring REO Speedwagon with a sprig of Springtime for Hitler and To Catch A Predator* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "The Devil's Rain" *The heavy metal "sign of the Devil" works just as well on Shatner as the Vulcan death grip.* 2 1/2 stars

Rob Zombie's "The Lords of salem" starring Bruce Davidson, Meg Foster, and Sherri Moon Zombie's ass *Dario Argento with a mullet, a foul mouth,  and a dragon tattooed above his pubic hair.* 2 1/2 stars minus one whole star

mst3k "the legend of boggy creek 2" *Autumn in Arkansas equals SEC football with big, sweaty, hairy men or weekends in the woods with big, sweaty, hairy monsters and hillbillies.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"the masque of red death" starring vincent price 3 stars

"midnight offerings" *feels like a haunted after school special* 3 stars

Elvira presents "Charlie Boy" 2 1/2 stars

"Carman's Witch Invitation" *Dr. Strange tries to seduce the spoken word evangelical white rapper who was born without any "soul"* 1 star

"Let Me Die A Woman" *Informative exploitation.*   1 star

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Curious Camera"   2 1/2 stars

"Bloodfreak" *You ain't nothin' but a hounddog, you jive turkey.* 2 1/2 stars

Salute your Shorts "Zeke The Plumber"   3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Whispering Walls" 3 stars

John Waters' "Desperate Living" *Tight assed towns or dirty communes?* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Eaten Alive" *Don't cross graveyard shift weirdos. Is that so hard for people to comprehend?... Guard against the crocodiles out on America's lost highways.* 3 stars

Zack Snyder's "Man of Steel" *Superhero mass destruction sponsored by Sears.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "Thor" *So glad that He-Man left ethereal Eternia, so that we could watch him fumble around Smallville staring awestruck at plain Jane Portman.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "The Avengers" *I wish Hulk would smash Robert Downey Jr. like he did Loki.* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs don coscarelli's "The Beastmaster" *Dungeon crawlin' and creature callin'* 3 stars

"erotic city" starring amber lynn *Glam and bam* 2 1/2 stars

"Calvaire" aka "The Ordeal" *Tell me have you seen her?* 3 stars

"Night of the Bloody Apes" *Needed some more lucha libre* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Paranoid brutha's harem, Redneck shipwreck, vegetable stand she devil* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Beneath the valley of the ultra vixens." *Horny comedy*  3 stars

"Deep Star Six" *The best of claustrophobic disaster movies and b monster movies taken seriously.* 3 stars

"Samurai Reincarnation" starring Sonny Chiba *For fans of Japanse ghosts/demons and grindhouse sword slashing socky.* 3 stars

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns part 1 and 2 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren is "The Punisher" *Pulses like an 80s vigilante action movie should because it's an 80s vigilante movie and not a modern comic book movie.* 3 stars

"The Wolverine" Hugh Jackman *Felt closer to the Frank Miller source material  than it did the typical Marvel stuff like the terrible Wolverine Origins.* 3 stars

"The Terror Within" starring Andrew Stevens *B sci fi ALIEN (Ridley Scott) monster rip off with an isolated, apocalyptic THE THING (Carpenter) setting that really works.*   3 stars

Jackass presents: "Bad Grandpa" *More endearing than Bruno or Borat, but not as biting, yet still tasteless fun.* 3 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs 2020 texas gladiators *Italian post apocalyptic burnt toast (Texas sized.)* 2 1/2 stars

Zack Snyder's "The Watchmen" director's cut   *Director's cut but where is the S & M memory stuff?* 3 stars

Christopher Reeve is "Superman" a Richard Donner film *Two flaws: Gene Hackman seems like a vaudeville villain and the turning back time happy ending. not saying it should have been 'man of steel' bleak, but maybe the earthquake and Lois dying shouldn't have happened at all.* 2 1/2 stars

American Samurai *Highly enjoyable bloodsport ripoff  with mortal kombat style fatalities* 3 stars

usa up all night with gilbert gotfried "vampires on bikini beach" *garlic breath and icy nipples* 1 1/2 stars

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm (complete series) *more awkward animation and dialogue than an old filmation cartoon, and this was made in the mid 90s.* 1 1/2 stars

Bruno Mattei's "Zombie Creeping Flesh" *schlock and gore that comments on pandemics effects on 3rd world people* 3 stars

#bruno mattei #mortal kombat #usa up all night #american samurai #joe bob briggs #russ meyer #elvira #wonderful world of disney #commander usa #rob zombie #mst3k #hard rock zombies #neon maniacs #good bad flicks #1201 beyond #randy the electric lady #monstervision #troma #rhonda shear #roger corman #fangoria #cannon films #the people vs george lucas

[aion-rsa]

Suicide Squad: The 15 Weirdest Members Of All Time

Ever since way back in Rick Flag Sr.’s Squadron S in World War II, the Suicide Squad has always been a group of ragtag rogues that operate in the grey area of morality. This dynamic alone makes for a good read, but it is DC’s deep catalogue of characters to choose from that makes each colorful new line-up of the Squad so much fun.

RELATED: 15 Toughest Suicide Squad Members Of All Time

The point of this list, then, is to document our picks for the oddest, strangest, most ridiculous scoundrels to ever have taken part in the U.S. governments’ most covert agency, Task Force X. From a former resident of Arkham Asylum, to Steve Ditko’s second trippiest character ever, to Grant Morrison himself, we’ve got all of the “Skwad’s” best weirdos!

SHRIKE (II)

A lot of superheroes and villains have strange origin stories, but Shrike’s starts weird and just gets weirder. An ancient alien named Overmaster, who had deemed himself the judge of worlds, arrived on our planet to decide if the human species was worthy to be the Earth’s stewards. To test humanity, he imbues a group of human beings with super powers, designates them his Cadre, and has them fight the Justice League. We’re not sure how any of this was supposed to determine humanity’s worth, but Overmaster created some fun super villains in the process. Shrike was one of them.

Created by Gerry Conway and Chuck Patton, Vanessa Kinsbury was a mentally ill young woman who escaped the facility where she had been committed, when her and Overmaster’s paths crossed. He gave her the powers of flight and a sonic screech similar to that of Black Canary or Marvel’s Banshee. And talk about an “interesting” look, Shrike has Wolverine’s hairdo (but pink), a devil’s tail and she wears what doesn’t amount to much more than a bathing suit, sometimes with fishnets. She joins the team in “Suicide Squad” #24 (1989), and promptly dies on her first mission in “Suicide Squad” #25.

SHRAPNEL

Shrapnel was introduced in “Doom Patrol” during Paul Kupperberg’s run, just before Grant Morrison took over. At the time, Erik Larsen was illustrating the title, so the character definitely has a bit of a ‘90s feel, sort of resembling a metallic version of Marvel’s The Thing. Where it gets strange is that, while it appears he is made of metal, his body is actually a mass of organic fragments that he can control. He can fire these off individually, blow himself apart with concussive force and even grow back lost fragments.

Shrapnel was part of the CIA’s Suicide Squad that was sent to the island nation of Diabloverde to prop up its corrupt ruler, Guedhe, in “Suicide Squad” #63 (1992). He was also part of a second CIA Suicide Squad tasked with capturing the Wiley Wolverman and Sasha Martens version of Hawk & Dove in “Hawk & Dove” #3 (1998). Eventually, he was roped into Waller’s Squad proper, and was given the unenviable job of ambushing Superman in “The Adventures of Superman” #593 (2001).

PLASMUS

Plasmus is a Marv Wolfman and George Perez creation from the early ‘80s. This was the era of nukes, the Three Mile Island accident and Cold War, so of course Plasmus’ origin story includes details of radiation exposure and ex-Nazi experimentation. Plasmus was part of a compact Suicide Squad made up of strictly heavy-hitters, including Chemo and Shrapnel, and lead by powerful telepath Manchester Black. They first appeared as Squad in “Superman: Our Worlds At War Secret Files” #1.

However, it is in “Adventures of Superman” #593 that they lure Superman to an abandoned military facility called Area 8 and jump him. We all know how that turns out — not great. A simple rule of thumb for villains at the this point in DC continuity: Don’t go directly at Supes. Even with a chest full of Kryptonite, like Metallo, it’s probably a bad idea. Even though he was once on the Squad, Plasmus was one of dozens of super villains sent to the distant planet Salvation by Checkmate and Task Force X, which set up the “Salvation Run” mini series.

MINDBOGGLER

While Mindboggler started as a Firestorm rogue, she has spent more time in the pages of “Suicide Squad.” John Ostrander introduced her in his seminal first issue of the title and unceremoniously killed her in “Suicide Squad” #2. But that wasn’t the end of the line for this mind-controlling punk rocker. She may have died at the hands of Rustam, leader of Skwad’s arch-enemies, The Jihad, but the Quraci agency resurrected her in digital form (similar to their former member Djinn), and she returned in “Suicide Squad” #17.

Rick Flag Jr. managed to retrieve the device that held her, but they never managed to bring her back into the fold. Her actual body was reanimated and she returned yet again as one of Koshchei’s zombies in “Suicide Squad #48.” Mindboggler initially gained her powers from Breathtaker of the Assassination Bureau. This is also how fellow assassins Stratos and Incognito got their abilities. All three attempted to fulfil a contract on Firestorm, but ultimately failed.

THE TATTOOED MAN (I)

The first Tattooed Man was Abel Tarrant, a former sailor turned criminal. He used “special paint” to give himself “tattoos” that he could bring to life. To be clear, the “tattoos” were painted on, so they were not done with a tattoo gun or even a needle. This was eventually retconned and it became “magic ink” and actual tattoos, which is less weird… but only very slightly. He joins Task Force X in “Checkmate” #6 (2006), and is killed in the next issue when he is found to be a traitor.

In a 1993 Vertigo mini series titled “Skin Graft: The Adventures of a Tattooed Man,” a jailed Tarrant tattoos a new inmate named John Oakes, who then becomes the second Tattooed Man. Word has it that Common’s character in the “Suicide Squad” movie, Monster T, was supposed to be an interpretation of the third Tattooed Man, Mark Richards. If so, holy wasted opportunity, Batman! How much fun would it have been to see Common’s tats start crawling off of him?

BLACK ORCHID

Black Orchid was a young woman who died and was brought back to life as a plant/human hybrid by a cutting-edge botanist. Just let that sink in for a minute. In her new form, she is super strong, fast, durable and could fly. Yet, her trademark was being a master of disguise. She is revealed to be part of Task Force X in “Suicide Squad” #4 (1987), in which she goes undercover to help take down the vigilante known as William Hell. Orchid has also been in an assemblage of magic’s anti-heroes not dissimilar to the Suicide Squad called the Spirit Squad. This band of magic users is brought together by The Creeper in “Blue Devil Annual” #1.

The New 52 version of this character is part of what is basically the DCnU take on the Spirit Squad, Justice League Dark. She joins this team as an agent of A.R.G.U.S. and is tasked with keeping an eye on John Constantine. Also, Orchid is an important link between The Red and The Green, and was an integral player in the “Rot World” crossover.

LARVANAUT

“Suicide Squad” has long been an excuse for writers to thumb through old DC Who’s Who issues searching for obscure villains that nobody would miss if they happened to fall during a Skwad mission. A number of characters have died in the field secretly working for the US Government, many on their first outing even. However, Larvanaut is different simply because he was created by Keith Giffen and Paco Medina for a single issue. This creature joins a version of Task Force X in “Suicide Squad” #3 (2001), all of whom die on their first mission… except Killer Frost.

All we really know about Larvanaut from his brief DC existence is that he has a heightened sense of smell, he can’t breathe regular air, he tends to walk on all fours, he only has three fingers on each hand, he has a large reptilian tail and his name seems to to be a portmanteau of “larva” and “astronaut.” Pretty damn weird, if you ask us.

CLOCK KING

The Clock King became obsessed with time when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He turned to crime to try to gather enough money to provide for an invalid sister once he had passed. Turns out his doctor had mixed up patient files and he was not sick at all! Clock King later became a part of Major Disaster’s Injustice League. During this crew’s last ditch attempt at a big score, they accidentally stopped a diamond heist and, with the help of Maxwell Lord, became the Justice League Antarctica.

This team was eventually disbanded, but half of the members (Clock King, Major Disaster, Big Sir and Cluemaster) ended up as a Suicide Squad, headed by Sgt. Rock and Bulldozer of Easy Company. Clock King’s first appearance as a Squadian was in “Suicide Squad” #3 (2001), the same issue in which Larvanaut makes his inauspicious debut. So, if you read the last entry, you already know this was one of those Task Force X missions that put the “suicide” in Suicide Squad.

MISTER 104

John Ostrander used a rotating cast of nearly four dozen characters during his monumental run with the Modern Age Suicide Squad, and Mister 104 was definitely one of the weirder ones. He can turn his body into any element on the Periodic Table, but was introduced when the Periodic Table only had 103 elements (he started as Mister 103). At this point, he would have to be renamed Mister 118.

Like Shrapnel, 104 is a Doom Patrol villain, but he is from a much earlier run — the ’60s, to be precise. He joins up with an iteration of Task Force X that includes other obscure characters like Psi and Weasel in “Doom Patrol and Suicide Squad” #1 (1988). As the title suggests, this Squad teams up with the Doom Patrol to rescue Hawk (of Hawk & Dove) from Sandistas in Nicaragua. Mister 104 dies in a battle with the Rocket Red Brigade, who also show up to snatch Hawk for Russia.

PUNCH & JEWELEE

These guys are like a low budget version of The Joker and Harley Quinn. However, they show up in the comics 25 years before Harley was even dreamed up by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. Though, to be fair, the Joker was tormenting Batman a long time before that.

These two former Coney Island puppeteers were originally Captain Atom villains, who had found and mastered alien tech. They are the creation of the venerable Steve Ditko and David Kaler. The married jesters were recruited by Amanda Waller in “Suicide Squad” #24 (1989). They left the Squad when the pair became pregnant, but were pulled back in years later to aid a Mirror Master-led team. The New 52 versions of these characters were just recently introduced in “Batman” #9, as part of the “I Am Suicide” arc. Jewelee was mentally ill and locked up in Arkham Asylum, but she and Punch came through for Bats in his assault on Bane. They thus earned some leniency of the rules there thanks to their quirky teamwork.

AMBUSH BUG

Yet another entry that is more than a little off his rocker, Ambush Bug is more of a DC mascot than an actual superhero. He does have an arch-nemesis, but it’s an argyle sock that looks like Doctor Doom named Argh!Yle! If that wasn’t weird enough, Bug is also a proud member of the “fourth wall breakers club,” a-la Deadpool and Lobo, regularly reaching out to the reader and appearing in meta-stories like “Channel 52″ as a roving reporter within the New 52 universe. However, Bug has also managed to be taken seriously, joining elite DC teams such as the Justice League of America, Doom Patrol, and of course, the Suicide Squad.

Bug’s suit granted him invulnerability and the power to teleport. He became a member of a variation of Task Force X that Amanda Waller put together to help fight the Alien Alliance in “Invasion!” #2 (1989). This Squad included Captain Boomerang, Black Orchid, The Duchess, and was lead by veteran member, Nemesis. Fun fact: Ambush Bug was once married to Dumb Bunny of the Inferior Five.

SHADE THE CHANGING MAN

While Shade the Changing Man has “man” right there in his name, he is actually from the planet Meta, making him a Metan and ill-fitting one particular gender. The bridge between Earth and the Meta-Zone is a dimension called the Zero-Zone, which is where Shade met Task Force X, during issue #16 of  “Suicide Squad” (1988). At the time, the Squad accidentally ended up in the nebulous limbo, but luckily, Shade was able to get them back to Earth. After their encounter, Amanda Waller offers to help return him to Meta if he joins up with her team of unbalance villains.

Unlike alien heroes with super powers, like Superman and Martian Manhunter, Shade had the speed and strength of a slightly above-average man of his age, height and build. What gave him powers was his M-Vest, which projected his appearance differently depending on the current mental state of himself or others. The M-Vest also emitted a powerful force field. Shade the Changing Man is the second entry on our list created by the great Steve Ditko.

COL. COMPUTRON

Colonel Computron was the legacy name of two Flash villains, Basil Nurbin and his daughter, Luna Nurbin. While their appearance suggests they were cyborgs of some kind, both are actually just wearing tech armor. Furthermore, this armor is based on the Captain Computron toy produced by the Wiggins Toy Corp. This is the same company that is owned by Captain Boomerang’s father, W.W. Wiggins.

When Col. Computron popped back up as a floating head in “Checkmate” #11, he didn’t even know he was working for Amanda Waller in a hush-hush line up of the Squad. At this point, Waller was the White Queen of Checkmate and was in direct violation of UN statutes by sanctioning Suicide Squad activity of any kind. Yet, with the help of her operatives, she had rigged a Santa Prisca election to avoid a Bane-backed candidate taking power. Rick Flag Jr., Fire and King Faraday were all in league with Waller at this point, but the full cast of this Squad was never revealed.

GRANT MORRISON

Yes, Grant Morrison doesn’t just write superhero comic books, he redefines them… sometimes by entering them, himself. In the last issue of his “Animal Man” run, Buddy Baker manages to make it to our reality and “meet his maker,” as it were. Morrison tells Buddy that he is the author of his life, before resetting everything he had written and wiping the slate clean for the next scribe.

So, it’s kind of awesome that John Ostrander paid tribute to Morrison by bringing a character called The Writer — clearly a visual and thematic homage to Morrison — into his popular “Suicide Squad” run. The character joins up in “Suicide Squad” #58 (1991), along with a bunch of other villains that are recruited to help neutralize sorcerer Circe and her army of werebeasts and Amazons. In that issue, he tells Firehawk and Silver Swan that his portable computer either tells him what is going to happen or he actually writes what is going to happen. Sadly, he dies when he gets writer’s block while a werebeast is coming at him.

JOKER’S DAUGHTER

It doesn’t get much weirder than Duela Dent. The character has been around since the late ‘60s, and has a long and convoluted continuity. Her history is one thing pre-Crisis On Infinite Earths, and another thing entirely post-Crisis. It’s quite different yet again with her New 52 reimagining. The original version of this mentally unstable youngster claimed to be the daughter of almost every villain in Batman’s rogue gallery: The Joker, The Riddler, Penguin, Catwoman and Scarecrow.

However, it is the New 52 Duela we are concerned with for this entry, as that’s the version that joined the ranks of Vic Sage’s Task Force X in “New Suicide Squad” #1 (2014). This iteration of her is deeply troubled and intent on snuffing out anything beautiful. It’s implied she is a former heroin addict and self-mutilator. When she finds The Joker’s cut-off face in the sewers where she dwells, she eats a bit of it and then proceeds to wear the rest. Now, that is #1 spot weird! Fun Fact: The New 52 Duela has one blue eye and one green eye as a homage to Two-Face, who is believed to be her real father for most of her history.

Is there anyone weirder than the Suicide Squad team members on this list? If so, let us know in the comments!

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Captain America’s Strangest Transformations

When you think about it, right from the very beginning of his first appearance, Captain America has been about transformation. Steve Rogers was a scrawny reject from the United States Army who instead volunteered to become the test subject for a Super Soldier Serum that literally transformed him from a weakling into a superhero.

RELATED: Superman’s Weirdest Transformations

With an origin like that, it is no surprise that writers have consistently re-visited the idea of transforming Captain America over the years, as you have a lot to work with via aging and de-aging the character and messing with the serum in his body. Of course, that does not explain all of Captain America’s transformations over the years. Some of them are so offbeat that you never could have predicted them. Note that we’re not getting into alternate timelines, like “What If…?” comics or “Marvel Zombies.” That would be too easy. Now altered timelines? That’s a whole other story. Here, then, are Captain America’s strangest transformations (in chronological order).

OLD LADY CAP

Joe Simon and Jack Kirby managed to wait for an entire two issues of “Captain America Comics” before having Captain America and Bucky disguise themselves as an old woman and her foppish grandson. It was part of a plan to travel into the heart of Nazi-occupied Europe to rescue a powerful American businessman, who was about to pledge millions to the British war coffers before he was kidnapped by Nazi agents.

Watching Granny Cap walk around Paris and noting that they could have stuck around and fixed the problems in France, had they not been too busy on their mission, was a weird sight to see; as was seeing Cap lounge around in his hotel in his dress. In the end, it turned out that the Nazis had replaced the financier with a doppelganger, who was going to pledge support for the Axis. Luckily, Cap and Bucky travel to Berlin to save the financier. Bucky even gets a chance to kick Adolf Hitler and Herman Goerring’s collective butt along the way.

RED SKULL CAP

For years, one of the biggest thorns in Captain America’s side has been the Cosmic Cube, the reality-altering object created by A.I.M. that has frequently been stolen by the Red Skull and used against the world in general and Captain America in particular. In “Captain America” #115 (by Stan Lee, John Buscema and Sal Buscema), the Red Skull used the cosmic cube to mess with Cap by switching their bodies, so that the Avengers and Sharon Carter both believed that the Skull was Cap and that Cap was the Skull. Cap had to evade both his teammates and the police to keep himself free to stop the Skull’s plans. Meanwhile, in Cap’s body, the Skull severed the recent partnership Steve had formed with Rick Jones (who had become the new Bucky).

The Red Skull then sent Cap (still in Skull’s body) to Exile Island, where the Skull’s former allies, the Exiles, lived. He had betrayed them in their last adventure, so he thought it would be hilarious to see his former friends get their revenge on him while actually killing Captain America! Luckily, Cap used some clay to fashion a brand-new face for himself (yup) and ended up befriending another man on the island, Sam Wilson, to help him take down the Skull. Wilson became Cap’s new partner, the Falcon, who helped get Cap back to his proper body.

WEAKLING CAP

“Captain America” #225 (by Steve Gerber, Sal Buscema, Mike Esposito and John Tartaglione) is perhaps best known for the strange origin that Gerber gave Captain America in the issue. As Nick Fury subjected him to intensive hypno-therapy, Cap recalled his real origins, which included his older brother, who died in the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor. This is what drove Steve Rogers to enlist in the Army and then volunteer to become a test subject once he was rejected from the service (this was later explained to be a false set of memories, primarily because Cap debuted before Pearl Harbor). The trauma from the experience, however, left Cap somehow reverted to his weakling status.

Gerber was off the book with this issue, so incoming writer Roger McKenzie quickly abandoned the storyline in the following issue and had Cap return to his normal state by the end of “Captain America” #226. It also turned out that the Nick Fury in the story wasn’t really Nick Fury, but all part of an overly-complex plot by the Red Skull against Captain America. The real Nick Fury had been transformed into the Red Skull in the hopes that Cap would kill the “Skull” while really killing his good friend, Nick.

OLD MAN CAP

John Marc DeMatteis’ classic run on “Captain America” came to a close in “Captain America” #300, although in a much different manner than he initially intended. Originally, he was going to have Cap become a pacifist after the issue and continue writing the adventures of this new take on Cap. Rogers would have ultimately been assassinated due to his new views and replaced by the Native-American hero, Black Crow, who DeMatteis had recently introduced into the title.

Alas, we never found out, as DeMatteis was replaced on the title and his final storyline re-written, with the Red Skull successfully poisoning Captain America and making him age rapidly. The Skull then seemingly killed Cap’s closest friends. This was all to make Cap so angry that he would kill the Skull, who was aging rapidly himself due to the effects of the suspended animation that kept the villain alive after World War II breaking down. The Skull wanted to be killed in battle by his oldest foe, but in the end, Cap wouldn’t do it (that part of DeMatteis’ story remained). The Skull then died in his arms. Cap, too, seemed ready to die, but then Black Crow showed up and cured Cap.

BARBARIAN CAP

In “Uncanny X-Men” #190-191, Chris Claremont, John Romita Jr. and Dan Green put together one of those small little company-wide crossovers that you would often see in 1980s Marvel Comics, where the interconnected nature of the Marvel Universe would be used to great effect (like the Fantastic Four staying in Avengers Mansion or Thor being involved in the “Mutant Massacre”). In the story, the old Conan villain,  Kulan Gath (who years earlier had accidentally transformed Mary Jane Watson into Red Sonja) transformed New York City with a powerful spell that threw everything in the city back to the era of Conan.

This included all of the superheroes within the city, including the Avengers. So, Captain America and the other Avengers were now, in effect, barbarian heroes without any memory of their past lives. However, whomever they were, personality-wise, before the spell, they remained. So, being that the Avengers were still heroes, Cap and his crew helped fight back and return things to normal. It was a lot of fun to see characters like Spider-Man and the Avengers given such a prominent focus in an “Uncanny X-Men” story.

TEENAGE CAP

In “Captain America” #355 (by Mark Gruenwald, Rich Buckler and Al Milgrom), Steve Rogers had only just begun to settle back into his life as Captain America (after getting the title back in “Captain America” #350) when he was contacted by his former girlfriend, Bernie Rosenthal, who was desperately trying to find her missing teenage sister. Cap discovered that there was a recent rash of teenagers going missing in the area, so he visited the Eternal known as Sersi (who would soon join the Avengers following this team-up) and had her use her powers to transform Captain America’s body back to what it was like when he was a teenager for 48 hours. Her practically-magical powers did so, but that meant that he no longer had the Super Soldier Serum in his body!

After hanging around New York City, pretending to be a runaway, the undercover teenage Cap was soon kidnapped and taken into a camp designed to turn teenagers into killers. Among the “counselors” was the Red Skull’s own teenage daughter! Luckily for Cap, what Sersi didn’t tell him was that her spell would revert after 48 hours or after the 50th body blow that Cap received, whichever came first (the 50th body blow came first, of course).

LADY CAP

In a six-issue storyline from “Captain America” #387-392 (by Mark Gruenwald, Rik Levins and Danny Bulanadi), Captain America’s girlfriend, Diamondback, and her friends, Black Mamba and Asp, were taken aboard what appeared to be a cruise for female super villains. As it turned out, it was all part of a plan by the villain Superia to essentially sterilize every woman on Earth except the women on her ship, which would both cause stronger future women due to the super-powered breeding, and also allow them to hold the world hostage.

Captain America and Paladin tried to rescue Diamondback, but ended up captured and put into a device that would transform them into women! Luckily for them, Black Mamba and Asp saved them before the process fully kicked in. Still, Cap and Paladin had to go undercover among the female villains as just two new female supervillains… with “underdeveloped chests.”

CAP-WOLF

Captain America’s pilot, John Jameson, had disappeared and Captain America went to go find him in this six-part storyline from “Captain America” #402-407 (by Mark Gruenwald, Rik Levins, Danny Bulanadi and some other fill-in inkers). Enlisting the help of his former Avenger teammate, Doctor Druid, Cap soon ran afoul of a town that seemed to be made up entirely of werewolves! Feral characters from around the Marvel Universe were also being drawn to this town, including Wolverine! Also ,Feral of X-Force showed up, which drew Cable in, as well.

The villainous Nightshade had teamed up with Desmond the Druid to draw in Jameson, who had the Moonstone. Desmond planned to merge with the moonstone to become the ultra-powereful Star-Wolf! First, Nightshade used a mesmerized Wolverine to capture Cap and then use a special serum she was working on to transform Captain America into a werewolf, as well! Cap soon took control of his “pack” and led them in a rebellion against Nightshade and Druid. With the assistance of Cable (who, again, was there to find Feral), they were able to save the day and Cap was turned back into a human.

ROBO CAP

In the year-long storyline, “Fighting Chance,” (by Mark Gruenwald, Dave Hoover and Danny Bulanadi), Captain America discovered that the Super Soldier Serum powering his body was never intended to last forever. It was always meant to eventually break down, but as it turns out, in breaking down, it would also end up killing Captain America! So, Cap decided to devote his last months to finding and training new heroes to take over for him when he died. This story arc introduced two young heroes, Jack Flagg and Free Spirit.

As time went by, Cap’s body began to turn on itself, so he had to eventually turn to his friend, Tony Stark, to build him a special armor so that he could keep up the good fight for as long as he could. Things took a dark turn after “Fighting Chance” ended, though, when Superia managed to find a cure for Captain America’s affliction, but the Red Skull (who was also dying because he was then-currently in a cloned Captain America body, so the same degeneration was happening to him) took it for himself. In the end, Skull decided to share the cure because he needed Cap’s help on a mission.

HEROES REBORN CAP

After being cured by the Red Skull, Captain America had a number of other adventures before he, along with most of the other heroes of New York City (except for Spider-Man, who literally got lost on his way to Central Park for the final battle) sacrificed their lives to stop the evil power of Onslaught, the nearly all-powerful psionic being. They essentially trapped the psionic energy of Onslaught by using their physical bodies to soak up his energy (it had to specifically be non-mutants, as mutant bodies would just enhance Onslaught’s power). Once they anchored Onslaught with their bodies, the remaining X-Men destroyed what was left, killing the heroes and Onslaught.

As it turned out, Franklin Richards (the powerful mutant son of Mister Fantastic and Invisible Woman who had been kidnapped by Onslaught to amplify his powers) used his reality-warping powers to create a second Earth and re-created all of the dead heroes into new bodies based on how he remembered them (which is how the Wasp went back to a human body after being horribly mutated, and how Iron Man became an adult again after being replaced by a teenage version of himself). So, Captain America was also put into a new body for his new series, drawn by star artist Rob Liefeld. Eventually, the heroes returned to their Earth.

MEDIEVAL CAP

Once the heroes all returned to Earth, they began to reform the Avengers in “Avengers” #1-3 (by Kurt Busiek, George Perez and Al Vey), but before they could formalize things, they were caught up in a plot by the evil Morgan Le Fey. A variety of powerful mythological objects were up in the air, so all of the available Avengers assembled to collect them. Instead, Le Fey got her hands on both the Twilight Sword and the Norn Stones and used them, along with the Scarlet Witch’s reality-altering powers, to power her Celtic magic to alter Earth into a new medieval era based on Le Fey’s life in the time of King Arthur.

The Avengers were transformed into Le Fey’s personal guard, with Captain America now called Yeoman America. However, the Scarlet Witch (kept captive by Le Fey) kept trying to get her teammates to break free of the spell and eventually managed to release Cap, as his spirit was so strong that he was able to remember who he was. He then recruited other Avengers whose sense of being an Avenger were especially strong (Hawkeye, Wasp, Monica Rambeau and Quasar) and they eventually helped Scarlet Witch turn the tide (along with a resurrected Wonder Man).

HOUSE OF M CAP

The Scarlet Witch was at the center of yet another time that Captain America (and the world) was altered by her reality-shaping powers. Following the events of “Avengers Disassembled,” the Scarlet Witch snapped due to her trauma over losing her children (who were just creations of her own powers) and turned on her own teammates, killing a few of them. Her alleged father, Magneto, showed up and brought her to Genosha to take care of her. The Avengers and the X-Men then got together to debate how to handle the Scarlet Witch situation. Some even suggested that she was too powerful to let live. This sent Scarlet Witch’s brother, Quicksilver, to her side, where he convinced her to alter reality so that mutants were the ruling class.

In this altered reality (as presented in “Captain America”#8 by Ed Brubaker, Lee Weeks and Jesse Delperdang), Captain America was now suddenly an old man, having never entered suspended animation during World War II. Instead, he lived to see the war finish, but also long enough to be ostracized by his willingness to stand up to Senator McCarthy on his anti-mutant hearings. Rogers also was an astronaut. He also spoke out against Magneto when he rose to power. In the end, he was just a lonely old man in a world ruled by a tyrant, which is not how he thought things would work out when he took down a different tyrant back in 1945.

SPIDER-CAP

The main villains of the “Spider-Man” crossover, “Spider Island,” were the Jackal and the Queen. The Queen was a mutant who was experimented on by the United States government to try to find a successor to Captain America. She and Cap grew quite close to each other during this time. However, after he was seemingly killed at the end of the war, the government pretty much forgot about her. She escaped custody, though, and went into hiding.

Her powers could alter anyone with the “spider gene,” and she teamed up with the Jackal to alter the genetics of the people of Manhattan Island in New York City (hence “Spider Island”) and slowly give them first Spider-Man’s powers, before then mutating them into giant spiders loyal to the Queen. However, her old love, Captain America, got special treatment and in “Amazing Spider-Man” #666 (by Dan Slott, Humberto Ramos and Stefano Caselli), he was transformed into a giant spider creature that was forced to obey the Queen’s commands.

SERUM-LESS CAP

Ran Shen was one of the very best agents in the early days of S.H.I.E.L.D., competing with Nick Fury for those honors. However, after a mission against the Soviets and their Winter Soldier went horribly wrong, Shen’s faith was lost in S.H.I.E.L.D. Meanwhile, a female scientist who Shen had fallen in love with lost her faith in her evil cause and the Winter Soldier lost his in his Soviet masters. Shen was going to work out a deal where all three of them could get out of their lives, but then Fury showed up and fulfilled the mission (kill or capture the scientist). Once his new love was tragically killed, Shen fully broke away from S.H.I.E.L.D. Fury’s attack also sent Winter Soldier back to the Soviets, who were able to re-program him and keep him from escaping.

Shen merged with an alien dragon (one of Fin Fang Foom’s people) to become the Iron Nail. He had tentacles that could drain both the effects of the Super Soldier Serum and Nick Fury’s Infinity Formula. The Iron Nail began a plan to take down S.H.I.E.L.D. and though Captain America stopped him, in the process he had the Super Soldier Serum sucked out of him, leaving him just a really fit 90-something-year old man. Serum-less Cap was still a hero, of course, and continued to serve with the Avengers. He just let his friend, Sam Wilson, take over as Captain America.

HYDRA CAP

During a battle against a group of supervillains led by the Red Skull, who had been altered by a S.H.I.E.L.D.-controlled Cosmic Cube to keep them out of the way of the rest of the world, Steve Rogers was returned to his fully-powered self. He returned to the name Captain America, although he insisted that Sam Wilson continue his good work as Cap, even insisting that Sam keep using the famous shield, with Steve getting a new one. Things seemed back to normal… but appearances can be deceiving.

What few people knew was that the now-sentient Cosmic Cube had bonded with Red Skull and she wanted to do whatever she could to please him, looking up to the Skull as a father figure. So, when she transformed Captain America back to his youthful self, she also altered reality so that Captain America was now a life-long follower of the same beliefs as the Red Skull, and a fully-fledge member of HYDRA! That was how the Cube believed things were supposed to be! So, Cap was now a secret agent of Hydra, and has been for his whole life. This series, at the time of this list’s writing, is still ongoing, but it’s definitely one of the most controversial moments in the long history of the character.

What’s your favorite Captain America transformation? Let us know in the comments section!

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