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orcelito · 2 months

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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.

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bangcakes · 4 months

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#personal #keep being like. if Only i had talked to him sooner. if Only i had been Friendlier sooner. but its like #Realistically.... probably wasnt ready. and also like. itd have to happen after school was over anyway bc 1. um i need to focus on school #and 2. how Awkward if i asked him out n he said no. or say we broke up or soemthing #like there were weeks i saw him every day. aint no way... i could handle the awkwardness of that #so ok ok ok. everything is fine JFJFJKFKFKFMFMFMFMFMF #i just have to remember not to get in my own head about it #like if i wanna message him i just should.....#its just..... hhhhHHhhhhh whyd this have to happen to me at 29. i could have been a happy spinster thank u NFJFJFJFJJFJFJFJF #but now ik what having an actual crush is like and oh wow is it painful. but also beautiful n fun. i just...... and lets face it this is #more than a crush. like its definitely Like like but i dont wanna say the Real L Word bc it seems..... idk JDJDJJDJD #but ive definitely um.... fallen. ya. ew JDJDKDJKDKDKDKDKS #but im just gonna follow my gut or whatever the fuck has been guiding me bc things have worked out so far #and like it wouldnt have without his participation. like ya....#im just like... what if he Forgets about me or like everything fizzles out #but then its like i Know if i see him again itll all come back.#bc in the summer i tried so hard to get over him (and kinda succeeded)... only to see him again in class and be like oh fuck oh no and the #n That Dinner. that was the final blow. i was so overwhelmed i got lost on the way home #which... the restaurant we were at is less than 10 mins from my house so you can imagine the uh Overwhelmingness #i cant even remember the original point of this but. i think we'll find a way ....... i say we but i should say 'i' bc until he tells me #that he likes me im gonna have to like Not Assume. hhhh #it doesnt help either that ppl were bringing up 'hes just not that into you' on twt bc Now im like #oh God. am i in that kind of situation???? i doubt it tho. i think hes just reserved. GAH. whatever happens happens

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windtorn · 11 months

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what color character are you?

Green characters are often hotheaded and brash, unafraid to speak their mind. They make for excellent leaders and teachers, and tend to be most devoted to a specific field, which they do well in. They have a lot of confidence in themselves, and although they can’t always see themselves positively, they are good about respecting themselves. They have a lot of common sense but are equally likely to strategically plan something out as to rush in on an impulse. They often have to work hard to get others to respect them, and sometimes receive less of it when people find out who they are. Still, they are not afraid to make others uncomfortable by being themselves, and are unlikely to waver when someone wants them to change against their will. They can be brash and loud, but also very quiet and secretive. Their humor can be a bit rude, and they don’t always display friendship and affection to the people they care aboutt in the most conventional ways. However, they’re quite easygoing, witty, and fun-loving people. They don’t like when people are flighty and prefer to work with people who don’t quit and stand their ground. They stand out from others, both because of the way they approach the world, and because of how skilled they tend to be at what they do. Some people may not suspect that they are harmonious because of their blunt nature, but they are surprisingly good and reasonable diplomats, and can employ a lot of meaningful tact when the situation calls for it. They may feel a sense of distance or abandonment from their parental figures, as they often became emotionally or physically absent sometime in their life. Green characters hate being told what to do and put into a box, and are likely to challenge authority. They can be hard to work with at times due to their stubbornness, but they bring a lot to the table and tend to round out their friend groups. They need people in their lives who respect them, care about them, and listen to them, as well as offer them companionship without requiring them to conform to a certain preset standard.

tagged by: @zajevre (( thank you for this!! )) tagging: @forbelobog @starblazes @astralcook @hxkerwxlf @zorkaya @rockstarfighter @rosahope @wolfkcst @dauntingsmite @astrcls (dan heng) @screenviolense (tingyun) @wildfiremedic

#ooc ;;#meme ;;#(( thank you again for this!! i honestly wasnt confident going into this at all tbh ))#(( but i am SO pleasantly surprised at these results. they were a lot more fitting than i was expecting ))#(( the one that really tripped me up was any mention of sampo's past. like what was i supposed to say about his family life realistically))#(( that would have been canon you know. i just went with my own personal hcs and bias and im totally happy with the results ))#(( to those i tagged you dont HAVE to do this ofc!! and to anyone who sees this and would like to do it please feel free! ))

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arowrath · 9 months

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MAYBE IT WOULD STRENGTHEN THE STORY IF THEY GOT TOGETHER ACTUALLY 🖕

#text #and fuck that one guy who was my mutual for yearsssss and i thought she was so cool but over time she started vagueing me like #all the fucking time 😭#forever thinking abt how she saidf one of my headcanons wasnt 'realistic' bc how could one character be 4'11'' and the other be like.#i dont remember the exact number but Tall. she was like Its not realistic .#?!?!?!?!? fellas is it unrealistic to be short and have a tall boyfrien d #BUT LIKE she was like yeah i hate when ppl who ship this thing make it their whole focal point of the story i think it cheapens the themes #of the story like GIRLLL. first of all who cares if someone posts about a fictional couple a lot. SECOND OF ALL #MAYBE in a story about isolation & belonging having a character whose ending is just. Being even more alone & isolated than he was at the #beginning would be improved by him falling in gay t4t love with the main character actually. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW #and i mean sure theres a lot of other endings he couldve had that didnt involve falling in love BUT THAT WAS THE ONE I WAS REALLY INTO #ON ACCOUNT OF HOW I WAS REALLY AUTISTIC ABOUR THEM. ANYWAY I DONT EVEN CARE.#i was rhe one to take the initiative and block her btw 😭theres only so many times u can see someone vaguepost abt u before its like #man if u cant bring urself to block me i'll do it for u 😭😭#OKAY DONE FOR REAL NOW SORRY.

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minimoefoe · 1 year

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i just rewatched find me and i do not know how i feel about daryl and leah like i'm not completely against daryl being in a relationship with someone, i'm big fan of him and connie, but to tell that story via an episode of flashbacks instead of going into it over a couple of seasons where we see a relationship between him and someone who's like.. not a low-key a bitch like leah grow over time is just not my fave. bc daryl is obviously the kinda person where stuff like that takes a while and maybe doesn't come naturally and to just throw it at is us like that feels like it doesn't do him justice idek

#watching twd #daryl Dixon #i dont even think its a bad ep #and i like that leah comes back eventually #but somethign about it is off for sure #also the idea that daryl wluld be like 'find me'#presumably intending to just.. leave with leah? is WILD to me like #in what world would daryl do that idek #especially when you contrast that with him and carol taljing about leaving together #now That i can believe #but him leaving with leah? nah #unless he planned on tryna get her to stay there with him and/or eventually go back to alexanderia #i can see that being more realistic #still not a huge fan of it tho #i do like that that the relationship we did see was like #clearly not perfect #and we later see that leah is a bit of a bad person #like soz daryl but in glad your forest romance wasnt actually the ideal relationship bc i think it works better that #it was kinda rocky #and in the end not right for him #even if he did say 'find me'

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noxtivagus · 1 year

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hmmm this uh. vent in tags doesn't pertain to anyone here though okay, it's really just a Me problem bcs i rlly appreciate you all so much but i can't help but be like this :<< (working on it though)

#🌙.vents #just thinking a bit n thought i shld write it down bcs i've always really have wondered what's rlly real n not #i'm a bit of an idealist at heart but i'm v much also a realist. i may be swimming in the deepest depths of oceans but i always know where #the shore. perhaps i am a moon and perhaps there rlly are those who love me like that but #i can't help but oft feel that ppl only like sides of me. or perhaps their images of me. idealized to their preferences n needs #to some ppl i've felt from them that i have to be like This so they'd love me. or they only care abt what they can get from me n i'm left w #receiving nothing at all. when i do receive stuff it then feels foreign. n even for those who rlly do care #it hurts bcs ^^ all that is solely my fault. for thinking this way.#i cld break out of it but maybe i don't bcs i think i don't deserve it. to inflict this pain and choose and grasp on it unto myself to #idk smth w all my burdens n regrets n mistakes. no matter what good i do; the past will never be erased. i'll live to atone but i'll never #properly let myself live; is that it? i can't accept a future or reality for myself bcs of the scars of my past n the reality that shldve #been if i wasnt so incompetent? if i was better if i was good enough if i wasnt so afraid to reach out n if i hid when i should have. if i #did all that perfectly. but i'm human n we all are n we make mistakes. i can pardon others i can understand n help them but not for me #it hurts i wish i cld do more for those that r just as deserving but don't receive it. if i'm the moon n you don't know my dark side #then they're the sun that blinds you to see. i hate this world so much #i'm stuck. when it comes to my own self n when it comes to ppl that.. idk rlly have done stuff for me i #i can't help but wonder if it's just for who they think i am n not for who i really am. maybe that cynism is due to old friendships where i #was neglected. like one friend that i feel used from. or another that broke their promises. n i've made my own mistakes too but i have thes #scars that tell me i'm not worth staying for. i'm not worth pushing or digging deeper for others to love the whole me. reciprocation is onl #one-sides; from me to others. but that's dumb too i barely do as much as i shld as i wish i cld as i want to do for others #maybe all we need to do is accept that we're all human n communicate authentically n honestly n openly. trust #but then i think of myself undeserving of it. n i shld fix that. i've been better before i rlly did have that sometime earlier this year bu #i've been falling apart once more. i shld fix this n i know i can but my helplessness regarding other aspects of my life n others burden me #not that others shld be my responsibility before my own in this stage of my life. but i need to give. more than doing things for others for #the sake of myself but More because i really just care for those in my life n i think they deserve so much more.#i wish i was better so they cld have more. fuck if i sacrifice myself i rlly wish i cld do more for others #for my parents. my twin. my friends. for the ones who have stayed despite my shortcomings. who have reached out in any way #i love them all do much n i have to be better bcs i want to love them back properly.#dilemma though bcs sometimes i do get unsure if it's even real at all. but at my heart i know most of it is. but then. hfksjfsjfs #it's not simple at all. it's v complex in fact bcs we're human n this is the real world. there's sm more i can't write. i have stuff to do😭

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upsidedowngrass · 1 year

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everyday i hope for post-one (though idm during one) art wherein liam works on healing from his trauma and realize i must make it myself <3

#i have been working soooo hard on stuff ill prob never post or anything #but. i want him to recover!!!! i want him to realistically be affected by the shit that happened #but still working towards recovery and getting better and having ppl there w him who understand!!!!#its very important to me!!#additional thing:#a big post-one hc of mine is that like... liam and amelia would DEFINITELY be a bit like #clingy for lack of a better term?#i dont mean in a romantic way but like #they seem to have really had to rely on each other for survival during those 7 months #esp since they were the only ones (aside from charlotte who wasnt interacting w them during this time)#who rly Knew what the other was going thru #and like. while it could be interpretted as one or the other then seeing the other as a reminder of the plane #but i think 7 months of depending on one another would cause a very close dynamic between the two #and i think this would continue even after one!#so!!! in a lot of post one art i make i include liam and amelia bc no matter what i think theyd stick w each other in some way or another!!#their dynamic is important to me. i could ofc see it ending up unhealthy at an extreme but tbh?#i think for both of their healing itd be waaaay more help . bc they both Get It #idk if i explained any of that well but. i like thinking abt characters being there for each other and recovering and being happy :)#ALSO!#ik a lot of like. sad liam art exists out there but I specifically mean the HEALING... like after everything is over!!!#he deserves to both have Symptom and Recover if that makes any sense

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galactickittiecat · 1 year

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had a great week so far i got to go to (2) TWO MALLS, got a yugioh shirt, and went to an arcade and won a sailor moon figure from a claw machine on my FIRST TRY??? i didn't get anything else from the claw machines tho so i think it was just pure luck and i don't actually have any super lucky crane game skills sadly 😔

#although today there were 2 kinda weird interactions ok so #first off there were these two guys standing outside a store wearing the same shirts so i think they worked there bc-#we walked by it multiple times and they were always standing by the entrance of it #anyway so the last time we passed them one of the guys was like That girl is freaking weird and im like #🤨 surely he wasnt talking about me right. but it was like as SOON as we passed them so aslkdjf uh idk #like realistically its probs just anxiety being like 'everyone hates you and thinks youre fucking weird and :)'#but in the back of my mind im like #Fear bc what if people constantly see me and are like ewww she SUCKS bc i rly want to just blend in when im in public #bc social anxiety makes it kinda hard to even go out in the first place...#then some guy at one of the shoe shining stalls in the Mall Aisles was like ‟that guy needs some new shoes‟ while looking at my bf?? like #mind your own fucking business??#overall tho im not gonna let it bother me ok i had a great day so ✌️

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bukuoshin · 2 years

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Animals are so foolish... They believe the animals I create in the Sims are real, living articles of flesh and blood. Ha! What silly creatures!

My cat launched himself headfirst into my TV yesterday.

#rae rants #luckily nothing broke. i went to get a drink and while i was gone there was no one to tell him the giant cat wasnt real.#keaton thot the dog i made was real too. lil baby got nervous cuz he saw a giant dog.#even if we take into account how good i am at using the sliders to make animals look like my animals. sims are still v smooth.#like. im p sure the reason sims dont have realistic expressions is to avoid the uncanny valley. so the animals have to look that way too.#like. ya know. you can make a sim have the essence of a person. but they will not look 1:1 like them no mattet what. same goes for animals #but it was 2 animals who got tricked. so they cant both be dumb. kiki rarely does dumb stuff and space is an old man.#like. they both do not react that way to actual videos of cats or dogs. but they see a sim cat or dog? its a real thing. idgi.

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orcelito · 1 year

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Only in Discordant Accord can u read about akechi goro punting Morgana like a football

#speculation nation #discacc shit #unless it is in some other fic but ive certainly never seen it lol #rereading a comment left to me and reliving the good moments from last chapter #genuinely a little surprised by how positive the reception to rei was #when mentioned in comments ppl seemed to genuinely be happy to see her again #and im just like. that's my funky lil oc who was barely even an oc to start with lmfao #i just split my own older sister into two older sisters for akira and called it a day. their personalities just kinda happened as a result #like im very well versed in making characters so maybe thats why it was so just. Accidental?#an accidental oc. that people do like. kinda wild.#granted i say i split my sister into two but it's in a similar way to how i inform my akira and akechi characterizations #by splitting Myself in two #less of a direct trait to trait kind of thing and more just. focusing on different parts of a person and extrapolating from them #koharu being the Protective Older Sibling energy &rei being the Good Friend And Constant Antagonistic Force (but still fiercely protective)#two parts of what my sister is to me. i guess.#it's similar to how i gave goro Soooo much of my self destructive tendencies + general bloated ego syndrome #and akira a lot of the like. idk. worrywart kinda thing. and also Anxiety. panic shit. sorry akira.#thats the secret to my realistic characterizations lol. it's all informed by self experience.#i wasnt meaning to make a whole post like this. none of these tags r even relevant to the main text of the post #but when have i ever stayed on task with a post lol . never.

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virmillion · 2 years

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tag rants

#we are once again thinking abt the process of coming out and typing it helps bc then i can go back and reread it #and notice the typos i missed in the process but skip that for now #so like. for some reason i have this HUGE urge to come out this summer and i have a few theories #the first and most realistic (hello occam) is that ive known since probably eighth grade that im Not cishet. like ive known i was Something #(read: not like other girls syndrome) but i never knew *what* i was. i didnt know if i was ace or liked girls or was a girl or was nothing #or whatever. i didnt know what i Was. i only knew what i Wasnt (cishet). now i know (like. 98% certainty. theres some shifting but im pretty #solid). anyway i Know now that im A Boy Who Likes Boys. like i KNOW this. ive done the soul searching ive taken the quizzes i know all of it #and historically i never felt the need to come out because it wouldve been pragmatically pointless. hey mom hey dad im not cishet. i dont #know for sure which part of that im not nor do i know what i Am yet. stay tuned for more details to come #like that would be so dumb lol so it was never a huge issue. i figured like ok yknow once i figure it out for myself THEN we can handle the #parent situation. which was no problemo for past lab because that bitch got to procrastinate it. but now hes ME. rude #so now that i know what i am its frustrating because usually its like. like idk but stick with me here. in coding classes youll be provided #test cases and you have to write functions to accomplish a task. then with the given test cases you test ur code and see what works #then you get past the first test case (basic test or w/e) and move on to more comprehensive ones. then once a given function passes all its #relevant test cases u mentally mark the function as done and move on to another. bringing it back around ive run all the test cases on #who i am and who i want to Do. ive completed the function i know how it works ive gone back and reduced the time complexity and all that #so for me. this is usually where i mark it as done and put it in a Finished Junk box and move on. but the prerequisite for entry into that #box is everyone else Also being aware of the function’s completed state #im not gonna bother asking if that makes sense bc if u read this far its on u to get my point. idk #jesus christ im down to like ten tags uh oh. anyway so long story short yes i want to come out this summer i think #which is a HUGE acceleration to my projected timeline of Hey Maybe Graduate College First So You Arent Financially Dependent On The People #Whose Love And Support Youre Most Afraid Of Losing yk #like. yes i could come out in september or so once ive moved back to campus and can have some space. but for some reason (probably the long #winded and unnecessary metaphor made above) i dont know if i can stand going the Whole Summer without telling them. idk #for someone who doesnt know how to shut up i sure do say idk a lot #once again. did i have a point writing this? no. did it help my brain sort through shit a little better? yeah actually #the ideal would be Talking Verbally to someone but like i said im Home and virtual therapy is very difficult to do covertly #hey lab why are u spending half an hour sitting in ur car outside? oh u know just doing therapy lol 🤪🤪🤪#simply chatting about stuff that might get me disowned or kicked our 🤪🤪 u know how i be!!#ive deleted my labhrambles tag to do this one and say. what the fuck. usually i get to 20 tags max how did we hit the Limit hello??

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apollodarling-writes · 2 months

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HUNTING GAMES

cws : dubcon, somnophilia, creampie, levi leaves the game, murder, code-breaking, i went over the word limit a little bit, implied manipulation and threats, dating sim! levi, levi gets a bit ummm sadistic?? at the end, college! reader, im still not happy with it but its been so long since ive updated, if i missed anything please let me know.

commissioned by anonymous.

MDNI.

there was a new otome game that had been all the rage recently. characterized by its cutesy, college-life approach, lurking beneath each syrupy-sweet word and blossoming friendship was a sinister undertone. the objective of the game was to achieve the best possible ending for the route you choose, however each love interest was desperate for your love, making said objective increasingly unattainable the further the plot progressed. you’d downloaded the game when your friend had shown you one of their favorite love interests, finding yourself hooked on the stoic culinary arts major, levi ackerman.

levi ackerman was the first route you’d ever chosen. although, in the beginning, he wasn’t too keen on raising your intimacy level. while looking at forums online, you realized that was just how he was. levi was harder to please, and by far one of the most dangerous and volatile love interests in the game. he wasn’t afraid to annihilate any other character to get what he wanted, and knew how to cover his tracks. it was hard to tell when he was on the cusp of snapping, what he liked and disliked, and where he was when he wasn’t pestering you about something trivial.

once you finally manage to get your intimacy level up to the point where his obsessive tendencies begin to show, his personality does a 180… with you at least. he’s more affectionate, gives you gifts for your daily check in — most of it being food he’s cooked just for you, and you find that he’s easier to fluster, stumbling over his words and a faint blush spreading across the apples of his cheeks. levi is still the same when he interacts with npcs, maybe a bit more on the protective and stand-off ish side when youre around. with love interests, however, levi is more hostile than ever.

you’d failed levi’s route many, many times, and had finally just achieved the good ending when you’d stumbled across something regarding a secret route of his. naturally, you wanted to see it to completion, but for some reason it just kept going. growing tired of this secret route, you chose to switch to another love interest.

this love interest in particular was very sweet, docile almost. armin seemed harmless enough, and you found that you enjoyed this route more than you had levi’s. although, after a little while, you noticed some easter eggs hidden in the back that made you feel a bit uneasy. there was a silhouette in the background of each interaction, watching everything play out, as well as a few npcs that seemed to disappear or avoid you altogether. the more you played, the more uneasy and afraid armin looked.

you noticed that armin’s eyes were often glancing around, his sentences shorter when the silhouette was more prevalent, and on a few occasions, he’d outright ignored you. once, you’d found him beaten and bloody in an alleyway outside of the boy’s dormitories, appearing half-conscious and you’d chosen the option to patch him up. after that, your intimacy levels skyrocketed and he was back to normal.

just before the two of you exchanged a kiss during one of the date events, the screen glitched and suddenly armin laid in a pool of his own blood. armin’s face became pixelated, which was unusual for this game since it was known for its graphics. was this part of the game? your heart skipped a beat, gooseflesh rising on your arms as levi entered the place armin was just moments before.

levi’s appearance glitched in places, the blood spatter on his face seeming to drip and become more realistic. that… wasnt supposed to happen. did the game have a bug? you think you see levi’s brow twitch, his lips tugging into a frown, but you cant be sure.

“[name]… why did you leave me?” levi is uncharacteristically upset with you, his face scrunched with what seems to be a mixture of frustration and hurt. “i thought you loved me.”

you knit your brows, trying to exit the route; to your horror, youre unable to leave. levi grows increasingly upset the more you click the button, “why are you on his route? can’t you see that youre mine? we’re made for each other!” he shouts, his voicelines glitching in places.

“why can’t i leave the damn route?” you grit out, one hand gripping the hem of your shirt. “what the fuck is going on?”

levi’s face falls, a far away look in his eyes as you are finally able to exit armin’s route. you groan, leaning back in your chair as you thread a hand through your hair. “is this part of levi’s secret route?” you wonder aloud.

after that, you didn’t touch the game for days. you searched forum after forum, site after site, searching for answers. why did levi suddenly appear on armin’s route? surely, it was part of levi’s secret route… right? your gut told you otherwise, but a game character being sentient? that was something that only happened in fanfiction, and certainly not to you.

a week had come and gone before you even thought about touching the game. you were busy with work, college, and still hadn’t found the answers you were looking for. maybe you’d be able to find them in-game… but what if levi kills another love interest? what if they don’t come back when the game resets? what if —

shakily exhaling through your mouth, you release the tension in your shoulders, cracking your fingers as you hover over the next love interest’s route. she was a very bubbly love interest, her smile bright and contagious enough to have one of your own tugging at the corners of your lips as you right-click on hange’s route.

the two of you interacted quite well, your natural dialogue choices furthering your intimacy level. hange was known to be a relatively easy route — not much reading between the lines, or even guesswork. she was very upfront for the most part. you found yourself forgetting about your secret investigation, genuinely losing yourself to the interactions between yourself and hange.

you only started getting suspicious again once you noticed the silhouette in the background once more. hange seemed to notice too, but she was more composed than armin had been. you squint as the silhouette flickers, your pulse thrumming in your throat as you quickly stutter out, “levi, leave hange alone or i’ll never play your route again.”

the silhouette rushes to the screen, stumbling over its words and blubbering about how it just loves you so much and can’t live without you! the anonymity fades, leaving levi in its place, and you realize that levi was more dangerous than you’d initially thought. hange is quick to take her leave once she notices the look in levi’s eyes, and you attempt to as well. levi’s anger flares up once more at the sight of your cursor clicking the exit game button.

“[first name] [last name], stop trying to leave me. why don’t you want me anymore? you can’t make me love you and then leave. you’re so cruel.” levi’s digits grip his collar, tugging it away from his throat as if he couldn’t breathe. “i-i learned things about you, for you — i tried my best to be the man you wanted, so why are you choosing other people?! am i not enough?!”

a chill shoots down your spine, cold washing over your body as your stomach tightens. you tuck your fingers into your palm, beginning to feel as if you were glued to your seat. how did he know your last name? you don’t remember putting that information in at all… maybe it was from your email? maybe the developers had a third-party thing going on?

levi becomes more frantic the more he speaks, pleading and begging for you to love him again. “i was your first route! you put the most effort into me! you can’t just leave!!” you have a creeping feeling that he’s looking at you — unlike most games, levi seems to lack a blank stare, and instead seems entirely focused on you.

“there’s no way he’s sentient.” you mumble to yourself, pressing a quivering hand to the damp skin of your forehead. “i’m just…. im just tired and stressed. yeah… i should just go to bed.”

you stumble out of your chair, body on autopilot and mind reeling as you put your monitor in sleep mode and push your chair under your desk, trudging over to your bed in disbelief. you tuck yourself in, and just before you’re able to fall asleep, you hear levi speak.

“you look so cute when you’re sleeping…” you hear his shaky breaths — the utter glee in his tone, as if he were more than content just to watch you. dread and unease fill your stomach as you realize you can’t ignore this anymore.

you shoot up in your bed, chest heaving and eyes blown wide as your gaze snaps to your monitor. could he see you? could he hear you? were you going crazy?

you slowly make your way over to your monitor and pull up your game, levi dreamily staring back at you as if you’d hung the stars in the sky. “are… you sentient?” your voice wavers as you ask this, fingertips digging into the hard plastic of your desk.

levi stills, his idle animation unusually stiff. for a moment you wonder if you should check yourself into the nearest hospital, but then, “you finally noticed… oh, baby, that makes me so happy— i’ve been trying to get your attention for so long!”

it’s your turn to still, your body going rigid and exhaling shakily. oh, you were royally fucked. if he was sentient, could he leave the game? god, you hope not.

“i’ve been watching you for so long! i even learned about your parents and your siblings for you! i know your address, the names of your friends; i know your all favorites, i know that you have a dog named rufus, i know that you like to listen to music while you clean —“

levi drones on and on, going over everything he’s learned about you during the time he’s been watching you. your breathing grows heavy and erratic; sinking into a primal state of fight or flight, you hurriedly try to uninstall the game from your computer, but it seems levi had already anticipated this. the screen glitches, flashing white as levi appears in different places — duplicates, different routes, pictures of you, npcs that went missing, hastily written notes all dedicated to you.

deciding that deleting the game wouldn’t work, you opt to unplug your computer. the screen stills for a moment, going completely black before a variety of coding begins to type out on the screen.

“leave me alone!” you shout, your voice cracking as you rip your monitors and pc off of your desk, throwing them across your room. they bounce off your dresser, knocking a few trinkets and such off, sending them clattering to the ground. you notice the coding slows for a moment, eyeing the shattered hardware scattered across your bedroom floor. “you’re just a game!! i don’t actually love you!”

“you’re wrong!!” levi’s voice is distorted and distant — glitching out in some places, or manifesting as a multitude of voices, some higher, some lower in pitch. “you love me — you do! i know you do!”

you panic, the cortisol and adrenaline running through your veins clouding your sense of judgment as you rush to your kitchen and grab a trash bag, picking up a baseball bat from a closet on your way back to your room. you hastily throw your setup in the bag and grip the bat, swinging the metal bat back and smashing the contents of the bag until you feel safe and can’t hear the whirring of the code any longer. you stumble back onto the edge of your bed, staring at the bag as you strain your ears for any signs of levi. heaving a sigh, you wipe the sweat from your brow and gather all the miscellaneous pieces of your setup that were strewn across your floor, placing them in the bag.

you feel disconnected from your body as you bring the bag outside, opening your garbage can and tossing them in. a drop on your face shocks you out of your stupor, but you realize that it was only a drop of rain. your fingers tremble still, your breathing still erratic as you try to calm your racing heart. how was any of this even possible?

you slowly trudge back inside your home, entering your room and collapsing on your bed. this must be a bad dream. it has to be; there’s no way that this could happen. you lie awake for awhile, your mind spinning round and round again. thoughts come and go, never staying for too long, and you forget them immediately after they depart. the events of the night had worn you out, your eyes growing impossibly heavy, drifting off into a deep slumber.

outside, the monitor screen flickers to life. code rapidly pans down the screen, sparks flying as a hand slowly peels out. carefully, levi drags himself out of the game and into…. wait, why is he in a trash can? surely, his beloved wouldn’t…? with haste, levi tracks his way inside your home, brows furrowed with quiet rage. how could you just throw him away like that?

levi takes his sweet time cleaning up, lathering himself in your products and sniffing your towel before drying himself with it. he runs his fingers along the countertops, walls, and doorframes, trudging along to your room as he admires your home. it isn’t long before he finds you sleeping soundly atop your bed sheets. levi’s breath instantly catches in his throat, his heart racing in his chest as he approaches your slumbering form. you were even prettier in person.

carefully crawling onto your bed, the pads of his fingers tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, trailing down to your shoulders. his eyes wander to your exposed flesh before flickering back up to your lips. one kiss couldn’t hurt, right? carefully leaning down, levi molds his lips to yours; his heart nearly stops the moment he tastes you. one kiss isn’t enough. he needs more! levi unbuckles his belt and ties your hands to the headboard, then drags his hand along your chest, swallowing thickly as he feels his pants tighten.

levi quietly positions himself between your thighs, burying his head in your neck as he leisurely grinds his cock into you. biting his lip to muffle his whimpers, he lifts your shirt, baring your breasts to his greedy eyes. levi immediately latches onto one, his tongue swirling around the erect flesh as he works your pajama pants to the side.

“need to taste you, baby.” he murmurs. levi kneels between your thighs, his tongue slowly lapping at the arousal that had begun to leak from you. he takes but a moment to shimmy his pants down far enough to fist his cock, slowly pumping it with his free hand. the man softly groans into your folds, a sleepy whine parting your lips in response.

as he continues lapping at you, levi feels his stomach tighten and stops all movement. he waits for the feeling to subside, then aligns himself with your entrance. he shallowly thrusts into your cunt, slowly working his way inside and bottoming out with a broken whimper. levi’s mind spins at the way your walls grip him — the feeling almost as if he were made to fuck you, as if you were made to take him. his fingers grip your hips as he attempts to control himself, pressing both of your legs further out for easier access.

it isn’t long before levi loses himself in the feeling; it is his first time after all. his hips snap into yours, whimpering and whining through gritted teeth all the while, and you slowly begin to wake. levi’s eyes roll back as the feeling in his tummy snaps, not once stopping as he pumps you full of his cum.

you let out a confused moan, your eyes slowly adjusting to see levi’s fucked out face gazing down at you. “f—feels so good…” he whispers, slotting his lips to yours. you attempt to shimmy away, but it was to no avail; the asshole had tied you up. you attempt to fight him off, but it’s to no avail as he’s stronger than you and has shackled you to your bed.

waves of unwanted pleasure course through your body, forcing soft whimpers and whines from your lips as levi unknowingly rocks his hips into the places that have your eyes rolling back. gazing down at you with something akin to reverence, levi presses the pad of his thumb to your clit, slowly circling his name and bringing you closer to your climax.

“cmon, baby.” levi groans, feeling your walls tighten around his cock. “cum f’me.”

you simply shake your head in response, screwing your eyes shut and murmuring through a whimper, “go fuck yourself.”

levi only chuckles at your words, seemingly amused, and lifts your hips; the man slings an arm around your lower back, one hand gripping the meat on your hip, and forces you to meet his thrusts.

nothing seemed real at the moment. you were unable to stop levi from leaving the game, and now the man was taking advantage of you. you suppose the only good thing in this situation is that despite it all, levi was going to make you cum.

your back arches as your fingers dig into your palms, your cunt pulsing and fluttering as your eyes roll into the back of your head. a high-pitched whine erupts from your throat, levi smirking victoriously at the sight beneath him, and you relinquish control; melting into his hold, you wordlessly beg for more.

you didn’t know what would come after this, nor did you know how you were going to fight your way out of it. the only thing you knew is that this felt good. somewhere deep in your mind, you knew you didn’t want this, but had decided to relish in the feeling of being desired for the time being.

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twixfamily · 1 year

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i’m shocked to see the disappointment surrounding twilight’s decision to stay in disguise rather than run to anya. like how are you not floored by how far he has come as not only a character but a father?

twilight abandoned his mission the second that he heard anya was in trouble. we know this because sylvia said in the beginning that he wouldn’t make it in time to help, so there was no point in sending him back (and, just to clarify, she was right!) but instead of agreeing with her call and carrying out the remainder of his task he ran to help his daughter AND brought backup. not because he wanted to save a group of kids, but because he wanted to save ANYA.

twilight rushed home only to find out he wasn’t needed. TWILIGHT, the top spy in WISE, was not integral to saving the day. can you imagine what that feels like for him? don’t you think he recognizes how that might make him look to wise? and then to see anya immediately jump into yor’s arms… well, he likely assumed he wasn’t needed there either. so he decided to make her favorite meal for dinner, because he grew up with no promise of food or shelter to make his emotional trauma a little easier. and, for the record, when anya heard his plan she immediately lit up! she wasn’t expecting a grand show of physical affection, she understood how much it meant for twilight to be there to look out for her in the first place!

a spy should never get attached, and here he is. caring so openly for his daughter that he did something he NEVER would have done prior to meeting anya. and btw, we didn’t get any insight into twilight’s emotions surrounding anya’s kidnapping. there’s no reason to believe that he wasnt as emotionally affected as yor just because he didn’t hug her the same way. yeah, i get that it might be a little disappointing to be 75 chapters into the manga and not have that one moment where everything clicks into place for him and he finally understands her role in his life. but it’s just not realistic to the progression of his character. twilight is a lonely, emotionally stunted man whose life has centered around violence since his childhood. you can’t expect him to outgrow that in the span of like six months with anya and yor.

#very interesting to me that we saw yor’s reaction to being told about the hijacking but not twilights #wondering if the next chapter will be from his pov #anya forger #spy x family manga spoilers #sxf spoilers #sxf #twilight spy x family #spy x family #loid folger #yor forger

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jajanvm-imbi · 3 months

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You know there's actually something I really appreciate with how Lucifer is depicted in Hazbin.

Everyone thought he was gonna be this intimidating king who crushes Charlie's dreams. We all thought he was gonna be a sadistic rebel or something.

Instead, Lucifer is just a brokenhearted dreamer who's heart is too big for his own good. Just like Charlie

He wasnt a "rebel", he wasn't "evil", he didn't want to harm anyone. He just wanted to share the beauty of being truly alive with mankind, and he was cast out. He was cast away because the angels feared what they couldn't understand.

When Charlie tried explaining to her father her dream, he said everything he could to discourage her not because he didn't believe in her but he really just wanted to protect her from the soul crushing rejection he experienced. He was afraid for her

And there's something so painfully realistic about that fear.

As someone who's grown up in the church, and who's parents eventually became the pastors of the church they grew up in, I cannot tell you how terrifying the idea of being rejected by those you love is.

All of the most important people in my life are at this church. They paid for my Sweet 16. They were there when my grandparents died and my parents had to go on emergency trips to Costa Rica. They were there when our house got flooded and my family was homeless for 3 months. They threw my parents their 50th birthday parties. They went to my brothers highschool graduation. They went to mine. I'm grateful they're in my life.

But being the type of person I am, someone who isn't afraid of interacting and being friends with those the church deems as "dirty sinners", someone who would charge headfirst into spaces most "good Christians" would be too afraid of touching with a stick, I'm terrified of what I think is the inevitable future.

I've always know I wasn't meant for ministry like everyone expects I should be. I'm not meant to work in exclusively "Christian" spaces, and I have no desire to. My parents keep trying to tell me to use my career for Christian specific projects and I know that's not my purpose in life. They would never say it but I can see it on their faces that they fear I'm gonna "stray from the path of God" for pursing the career I've dreamed of since I was a kid.

How do I begin to explain to them that this is God's path for me? I know it is with all my heart. One day I'm gonna move out and fulfill my purpose in life and ultimately be rejected by the people who I consider my family?

I know there will be people in my life who will never understand who I'm meant to be, and my heart breaks thinking about it because I don't want them to be afraid of me. I haven't "changed", I'm just finally who I was always meant to become. I know there are gonna be people who think I've sold myself to "the world" or something, how do I make them understand?

Luficer says: "Heaven never listens. They didnt listen to me..." and my heart clenches

Charlie says he cant know that and Luficer says with tears in eyes: "I DO" and my own eyes fill with tears

Lucifer sings: "My dreams were too hard to defend" and I feel that deep in my own soul.

Some of us were meant to be rejected for what we're meant to do, and rejection is the biggest fear of every kid who's grown up in the church.

Hazbin isn't perfect, I will never claim it is, but GOD is this depiction of Lucifer something special. What other character can perfectly show what kids who grew up in the church feel?

#okay im done #i dont care that Hazbin isnt “Biblically accurate” or whatever #cause thats not the point and never was #as an artist whos Christian i appreciate what Hazbin is *attempting* to do with Heaven and Hell and Lucifer #i love tiny lil Lucifer so much he means a lot to me #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel spoilers #lucifer morningstar

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mossdoesartshit · 2 months

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extermination day extermination always irritated vaggie. She had developed a major dislike of it upon being dropped into hell for showing mercy, which shouldve kept her in heaven than get her booted out, but she had found the love of her life here, so she couldnt complain. After the battle during the old hotels time, the exterminations had become far more erratic. sometimes theyd be only a month or so away, sometimes over a year. she had no doubts it was entirely because of lute, which she wasnt too fond of, but what could vaggie realistically do, her old sister in arms had always been a bit of a nutcase. besides, she had bigger fish to worry about right now. she and charlie were doing a headcount of people who had been in the hotel that day, (alastor, husk, nifty, the usual people, along with some hopefully quests to be) and there was one person distinctly missing "do i have to go get him?" vaggie asked, exasparated "come on please? he should be somewhere on the upper floors, i saw him walking up before the bell rang loud, besides you always have your weapon on you!" charlie begged, earning agreed mumblings of the others "If Safety Is Your Concern, Trust Me Vaggie, I Will Be Able To Handle Any Possible Nuisances While You're Getting Mister Bleeding Heart Back" alastor piped up, with that sickeningly sweet grin of his. She rolled her eyes, and groaned out a soft "fiine" as she moved to go up the hotel. Thank Fucking Lucifer that he had installed an elevator into the hotel, because boy howdy if vaggie had had to walk up the flight of stairs just to get Adam she would not have even considered it. Eventually, she found him on the roof, watching the carnage. "come on Adam, i know youre probably so fucking hard about all the destruction and shit, but you wont be safe from them killing you" Adam didnt turn to look at vaggie, instead closing his wings around himself as best he could, and "I can still recognize them you know" "huh?" with one wing, adam pointed down to two exterminators "that right there is lyre, ruthless as ever, but she has that methodical work flow, kind of like a dance. i think they partnered her with a newbie, which is good- well. bad, but. good from a combat standpoint- because she'll get good pointers at the end" vaggie looked down at the next group of exterminators that adam pointed to "over there is janatha, still fumbling with her stabs and pierces as ever. shes in a bigger squad, but they always worked well together, even if theyre a bit chaotic" an explosion blew up relatively near them, and adam looked over to it with sluggish movements "must be lute... say vags-" "vaggie." "-vaggie, do you remember flute?" "huh? you mean lutes sister?" "mmhm, lutes always been pretty ruthless, but that can leave her open at the back, flute would have covered her but. i think she was killed a few exterminations ago, the one that weapons dealer got. i think theyve tried to pair her with others but i always see her alone" vaggie stood there stunned "i. didnt think you were telling the truth when you said you recognized me. i thought you'd been bluffing or that lute had told you, given..." "well, thats the view souls have of me i suppose. liar down to a t. but i do recognize all of them. i just regret that my blind rage cost the lives of several of them and... lutes arm" another explosion closer to them alerted vaggie to grab adams shoulder "come on, charlies going to get worried if you keep me standing here, cant have you getting killed now that shes done so much work on you" "whatever you say vaggie" adam said, solemnly looking behind to where theyd spotted lute, before walking with vaggie to the elevator to get to the more bunkered area

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