#and please understand i really don’t mean this in an ill-intentioned way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jupitercomet · 1 year

Text

The Starry Night

summary - You’re not enough for him because of something you can’t even control. And if he truly felt that way, you wish he would have never started anything with you in the first place.

“Fuck you, Bradley.” You seethe, turning to the bedroom with a finality. Your hand wraps around the door knob before you stop yourself. “You know, for a guy who hates making mistakes he has to apologize for, you’re really fucking good at it.”

Bradley’s always been good at saying things he doesn’t mean, and maybe this one he can’t take back.

warnings - age gap relationship (Bradley is 38, reader is 25), language, angst, references to mental illness, listen the lock thing is a bit of a stretch but plot > realism

word count - 3.5k

part two i ain’t worried ‘bout it masterlist

“Would you stop?” Bradley follows you out of the Bronco as you slam the passenger door “You’re being—” He cuts himself off and you whirl around.

“What? I’m being what, Bradley?” You spit the words out like venom. “Please, enlighten me.”

Bradley kisses his teeth with his tongue. “You’re being childish.”

Even though you knew the words were coming, it takes a second for them to hit and you laugh hollowly. “Right.” Tears prick at your waterline. “I’m being childish because I’m upset my boyfriend ignored me the entire night.”

“Oh, is that what you call slamming car doors and throwing a tantrum? Being ‘upset’?”

You purse your lips trying to hold back the angry tears that are threatening to spill down your cheeks as you open the front door. You don’t really want to hash all of this out in front of Bradley’s neighbors—the last thing you need is to make tonight more embarrassing.

Bradley scoffs. “What? Are you ignoring me now?” He follows you into the house, shutting and locking the door behind him as you rip your sandals off.

Whipping around again, you fully intend to bite his head off, but you stop yourself, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think I can be around you right now. Because I know I’m going to say something I don’t mean and I don’t want to do that. We should talk about this when we’ve both calmed down.”

With that, you walk out of the foyer and turn with every intention of get out of your sundress and take a long, destressing shower—

“That’s fucking bullshit.” Bradley’s words have you freezing in the hallway. “I’m so sick of you doing this whole thing where you act like you’re better than me.”

You look at him incredulously. “How am I acting like I’m better than you?”

“Because you’re so smart and you never get mad, right? You’re too good to fight with me, and I’m always the one who makes mistakes and gets angry and has to apologize!”

“Are you seriously mad at me for being a healthy communicator?” Your eyebrows jump in disbelief.

“You’re not!” Bradley’s voice has finally risen to a shout. “You’re not a healthy communicator, you run away from confrontation. Deciding that we’ll just never fight isn’t being a healthy communicator.”

You don’t understand how Bradley can misconstrued your intentions so much, but the heat of the setting San Diego sun and the embarrassment and hurt radiating off of you makes you more desperate than proactive. “I am not running away! I just know that we’re both angry right now and that isn’t going to solve anything. I don’t want one of us to say something we can’t take back.”

“You’re the one who started this in the first place! You can’t just accuse me of shit and then leave.”

“You know what? Fine. If you wanna fight, we can fight. You ignored me the entire night, Bradley! To talk to your ex-girlfriend. In what capacity do you think that’s appropriate?” You take a step towards him, your bare feet planting on the hardwood.

Bradley scoffs. “I did not ignore you. And last time I checked, you can’t dictate who I talk to. She came up to me and said hi, do you really expect me to just pretend she isn’t there?”

“No, but I expect you to try and bring me into the conversation, or notice when I leave, or not let her be all over you,” you list on your fingers accusingly. “You didn’t even fucking introduce me as your girlfriend! And I just had to sit there the whole time feeling like you were ashamed to be seen with me.”

“Oh, come on—”

You narrow your eyes. “I wasn’t finished, Bradley. You made me feel like you didn’t want your ex-girlfriend to know that you’re now with a woman a decade younger than you! That it’s embarrassing to move on from someone like her to someone like me—”

“Well, when you act like this, it is!” Bradley’s mouth closes as soon as he tastes the words on his tongue but it’s too late, they’ve already been said.

They hang in the air and you honestly don’t think Bradley could have said something more hurtful to you if he tried. You feel pathetic in the salmon colored sundress you’d been so excited to wear to Bradley’s high school reunion—the dress he’d been so excited to see you in just a handful of hours prior—like a little girl playing dress up.

Bradley’s embarrassed of you. Enough so that he let you stand there, all by yourself, as fellow members of his graduating class made disgusting jokes about how “you must be lost, sweetheart, the school’s closed for current students” that you had to laugh along at uncomfortably, while he let some woman hang off his arm because she looks better there than you do. You’re not enough for him because of something you can’t even control. And if he truly felt that way, you wish he would have never started anything with you in the first place.

You cry for a good hour and a half, rolled over on Bradley’s side of the bed, his pillow held to your chest as you curl up on your side. The bedroom door is locked and Bradley has made no attempt to enter the room yet. Your salmon sundress is a puddle on the floor, you can’t be bothered to hang it up—you don’t know if you even want to wear it again.

By now, you’ve stopped crying, maybe you’ve simply run out of tears. You just hold Bradley’s pillow and stare at the wall blankly. Your head’s a tornado, ripping up every memory of you and Bradley and swirling them around in this unsure windstorm. It tears apart each one, looking at the mangled pieces for anything that could reaffirm what Bradley had so kindly let you know tonight. That he’s ashamed of you. That you embarrass him. That, to him, you’re just a kid.

“Honey?” Suddenly there’s a soft knock on the bedroom door and you tense. “Can… Can I come in?”

Bradley waits several minutes, but you don’t say anything—you don’t even move. You hear him let out a soft sigh.

“I’m sorry, I should have never— You were just trying to handle this maturely and you were right, I wasn’t ready to talk. I— I should have never said that to you and I swear I didn’t even mean it. I’m so sorry, honey.”

You want to hate him, in some twisted way it makes it all easier. Because you hate feeling like this—like there’s something you’re missing, like you’re the outsider to an inside joke you just can’t understand. And you didn’t used to feel this way, not before Bradley. You didn’t feel like you were running in a race where everyone else had a head start. A race you didn’t even ask to be in.

But you do it anyway because you love Bradley. You put up with people looking down on you like you’re some little girl who doesn’t know better, who couldn’t possibly have anything to offer Bradley intellectually and emotionally. You feel like you constantly have to prove to everyone that you’re worthy of being in a relationship with him. And maybe you aren’t. Because if he’s so quick to use your age against you whenever it’s convenient, then there’s nothing you could ever do that would be enough for him. You’re too young and you’re not enough for him.

You hear what sounds like Bradley sucking in a breath as he tries again. “You’re unique in all the world to me.”

And that’s what does it. Eight words, so quiet and hopeful, and your heart breaks in two. You burst into tears so suddenly it surprises even you as you bury your head into Bradley’s pillow. It’s the gross, intense kind of crying with hiccuped breath, and puffy cheeks, and a nose that won’t stop running as tears wet Bradley’s pillowcase.

“Honey? Shit—” The door knob jiggles as Bradley’s voice rises in panic. “Princess, I know you’re mad at me, but please let me in. I can’t—”

Maybe you are childish and immature, just a kid throwing a tantrum all because someone wasn’t nice to her. Because you don’t want to open the door for Bradley, even though you know you should. You just want to cry and feel sorry for yourself until this feeling goes away. You just want Bradley hurt the same way he hurt you.

You hear the door knob jiggle again and, in the back of your head, you recall something about Bradley once learning how to pick locks—something about growing up with “Uncle Mav”. Bradley confirms it when the door clicks open suddenly and he rushes into the room, but you can’t even bring yourself to care anymore, unable to do anything but sob into his pillow.

“Oh, honey,” Bradley drops to his knees, gently coaxing his pillow from your grip so that he can pull you into his arms. He maneuvers you both so that he’s sitting on the bed, back resting against the headboard while you cry into his chest. “I’m so, so sorry, pretty girl.”

And you know that he is. From the second it left his lips, you knew he was sorry. But it doesn’t change the fact that he said it. That either, even just for a second, he meant it or he knew that it would hurt you and he wanted it to.

Something soft brushes your hand and you grab for it before you fully realize what it is. “You, um, you left him on the couch, I thought…” Bradley doesn’t finish his whispered thought, watching as you cry painfully into Pooh’s fur.

He doesn’t know what to do—and it frustrates Bradley to no end because he feels like he never does. But you’re letting him hold you and Bradley knows he has no right to ask for more, so that’s what he does. And his heart breaks with every strangled breath you let out, every tremor of your body as you unleash everything you’ve been feeling for the past 7 months.

Bradley just keeps whispering how sorry he is. How he didn’t mean it—how he’d never mean it. He wants nothing more than to take it back. Because the more he sits with you, the more he starts to think that he might have just pushed you a step too far to pull you back from.

One thing that has always been like a breath of fresh air to Bradley is your emotional maturity. You’re healthy. Bradley’s always been a bit hotheaded, always saying things just to say them, only to hate himself after. But you’re clear, even when you’re angry. You treat Bradley with respect and you show him how to do that too. You communicate and you do your best to honestly understand where he’s coming from. And, if things ever do go too far, you still try to work through it because you love him more than you’re mad at him and he loves you more than he’s mad at you too.

But right now, no matter how much he tries, he can’t coax words out of you. Even after you stop crying, you stare at the wall wordlessly. Bradley’s not entirely sure you hear him, your entire body unresponsive. You’re letting him hold you, but maybe that’s just because there’s nothing left in you to fight him on that too.

“Honey?” Again, he calls out to you, because he’s so used to you letting him clean up his messes. He’s so used to feeling like you think he’s worth fixing things.

Because you’re so much better than Bradley in that way, you think about his feelings so effortlessly. And sometimes he resents that. That you love him so good, it sometimes makes him feel bad. Why is it so easy for you to love him the right way when he can go an entire night making you feel insufficient and not even realize it?

Sometimes Bradley feels like you’re too mature for him. Like you understand things that he doesn’t and you know things that he never learned—you are smarter than him. And sometimes Bradley’s pride can’t take it, because he wants to be that person. Who understands his emotions so easily and articulates them like he walked out of a self-help book. Instead, he’s the person who has to watch all his flaws and mistakes turn you into an empty, indifferent husk. He’s the person who says things and then has to listen to you cry.

“Please, princess, can you talk to me?” Bradley hates this. He hates knowing he hurt you, but not what’s going on in your head. He hates that he has no idea how to fix it. “You can yell at me. Call me an asshole. Just—” There’s a soft crack in his voice and his eyes water. “Talk to me please.”

He thinks that surely you’ll say something. He’s begging now, and you’ve both had time to think, and you never like leaving fights unresolved. But you say nothing, still staring numbly at his wall. Bradley feels his heart drop to his stomach.

He knows what he said was wrong and hurtful, he knows that. But this time, it almost feels different, like he’s fucked up in a way he hasn’t fully realized yet. Because you don’t do the silent treatment. You talk to Bradley or, if you feel like you can’t, you tell him as much. You’ve never ignored Bradley out of spite. So this can’t be spite—Bradley feels like it’s something worse.

“I don’t think I’m supposed to hate being in my 20s this much.” Your voice finally comes out, small and sniffly, a hollow sound as you continue staring at the wall.

Bradley swallows thickly. “What— What do you mean, honey?”

“I’m just really tired,” you continue and it’s like you don’t even hear him. “Of having to be perfect all the time so you’ll be proud of me.”

“Princess, I am proud—”

“I’m tired of having to impress your friends even though they act more immature than I do. And I go to all these stupid things with you, and I let them talk over me, and belittle me, and make me feel like a child… What did I do to deserve that?” Your voice wobbles, breaking at the end, and Bradley tightens his grip around you.

“Nothing. Honey, you didn’t do anything to deserve that,” Bradley assures you, his own voice wavering. “And I’m so, so sorry I didn’t realize that you were feeling this way—”

“You make me wish I were older. I think I’d be enough for you if I were older.”

Bradley feels sick, shaking his head vigorously as tears prick his waterline. “No. No, you’re enough for me now, honey. Don’t say that, please— How can I fix this? Just let me fix this.”

“I’m tired, Bradley. I want to go to bed,” you sigh.

“I don’t want you to go to bed feeling like this,” Bradley’s tentative with how he argues with you, but it’s almost scary to hear you sound so numb and exhausted, so indifferent to the idea of him, like maybe he isn’t worth all the trouble of loving. “Can… Can we talk some more? Or— Or I can talk and—”

“I just want to sleep.”

And after everything he’s put you through tonight, Bradley can’t ask you for more. So he relents, letting you roll off him and get settled in his side of the bed. Your back is facing him as Bradley wordlessly takes your side. He watches as your middle rises and falls, unable to take his eyes off you but too afraid to hold you like he wants to.

Your breath evens out relatively quickly, Bradley’s watching you so intently he can pinpoint the exact moment you fall asleep. His mind is too restless to follow suit though, too focused on replaying every moment of the night. Why hadn’t he noticed how uncomfortable you were tonight? Why had he spent the whole night talking to Hannah without realizing he’d left you on your own? Why couldn’t he have just said he was sorry, instead of making everything worse?

Bradley gets up, careful to make sure he doesn’t disturb you. You cried a lot, he reasons, you’d probably want some water when you woke up. And Bradley’s too restless. He couldn’t risk waking you and having you decide that you don’t even want to stay at his house at all.

Now at the foot of his bed, Bradley looks at you again. You look so small under his blanket, your eyes and cheeks puffy and wet as they press against the damp fur of your favorite stuffed animal. You’re still beautiful of course, but a different kind of beautiful. A sad kind of beautiful—like The Starry Night, Bradley thinks.

Bradley had never really been into art, and he’s sure no one expects him to be, but you love art. Once he had surprised you with tickets to a van Gogh exhibit at the San Diego Museum of Art and the way you lit up the entire room with your smile had Bradley deciding that he’d walk through every art museum on the planet with you just to see you smile like that again. And in going to this museum with you, Bradley learned that maybe he did like art after all—but only when he was with you. Because your love for art wasn’t pretentious. You didn’t force him to stare at one painting for half an hour as you contrived meaning from every brush stroke and color choice. You just liked to look at it.

But Bradley will never forget the moment the two of you stopped at one of the few paintings in the exhibit he’d actually seen before and you pursed your lips gently.

“I’ve always had mixed feelings about Starry Night.”

Bradley turns his head away from the painting to look at you. “In what way?”

“I don’t know. I guess, for me, it’s always represented how selfish we can be as people,” you shrug.

Bradley squints at the painting, tilting his head slightly as he tries to understand what you’re seeing in the brush strokes that he’s missing. What’s so selfish about a painting of the night sky?

“It’s pretty well known that van Gogh wasn’t… doing well when he painted Starry Night,” you gesture slightly to your ear. “And that, actually, painting might have been making it worse, with everything that’s in the paint and stuff. And that’s part of the reason why Vincent van Gogh went through a lot of pain and suffering over the course of his life. But, even knowing that, you know what we say? We say, ‘well, if he hadn’t, we never would have gotten The Starry Night’. As if this painting,” you stop to point at the canvas in front of you, “is somehow worth all that suffering just because we find it beautiful. I just feel that it’s an awful, awful thing to be grateful for someone else’s pain solely because it created something we think is beautiful.”

Bradley has long since stopped looking at the painting, watching your profile as your eyes rake over the colors and shapes thoughtfully. You fiddle with the strap of your purse.

“I don’t know— For all I know, van Gogh could disagree, but I think I’d rather be happy than beautiful.”

And that’s the kind of beautiful Bradley sees when he looks at you asleep in his bed. The kind of beautiful that hurts. The kind of beautiful that only ever shows itself because Bradley’s selfish. He’d rather have you, sad and beautiful, than not know of your beauty at all.

But Bradley wants to have you happy. He wants you to be the kind of happy that lights up rooms because he got you tickets to an art exhibit. The kind of happy that makes his heart skip a beat when you walk into the living room in your salmon colored sundress.

He hopes that, in the morning, you’ll wake up not as tired with him and he’ll be able to fix things. To make it up to you the way he should have when you first started acting different in the car. Bradley has always been so sure that the two of you could work through anything. That you love each other more than you’re mad at each other. That you want to fix things more than you want them to just stop.

Now, as he watches you like The Starry Night, Bradley hopes more than anything that that’s still true.

I don’t have a taglist but feel free to follow my library @jupitercometgold if you want to be notified when I post

#bradley bradshaw imagine #bradley bradshaw imagines #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw angst #rooster imagine #rooster imagines #rooster x reader #rooster angst #top gun maverick imagines #x reader #i ain't worried 'bout it #buggy's got a pen

2K notes · View notes

aquaquadrant · 4 months

Text

from eden, part IX (act II)

Word count: 15,401 Warnings: Self-deprecating thoughts (not really, Jimmy’s just a listener and doesn’t know it), strong language, internalized racism, past abuse/experimentation, dehumanization, self-hatred, kissing, mature implications (fade to black), voluntary decapitation Summary: The Double Lifers have successfully thwarted the invasion by Hels Tek, but not unscathed. Now that Tango’s been outed as Bravo’s doppelgänger, the remaining threads are starting to unravel, and Jimmy suddenly finds himself fighting to save Tango from his own inner demons. Can their love survive the fallout?

A/N: This chapter had to get split into two parts bc Tumblr sucks, here's a link to the first half if u missed it. Hope y'all enjoy, please reblog/comment if you do!

Also please don’t think too hard abt the technical portal/redstone junk. I’m throwin a lotta random terms and conditions out there in the hopes of creating a feasible explanation for how portal travel works, and how Hels differs from other worlds in that regard. It’s possible there are contradictions or other things that I didn’t fully think through, but these details aren’t really important. Just try to suspend ur disbelief. - Aqua

~*~

from eden, part IX (act II) - no tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony

~*~

“Right then. Uh, thank you all for coming on short notice.”

Grian’s tentative welcome is met with a chorus of rather subdued greetings from the Double Lifers. Everyone is gathered in a loose semicircle around spawn, standing in their respective soulbound pairs and groups. Jimmy would’ve preferred to have this conversation sitting down, inside somewhere, but Tango had insisted on spawn.

Only now does Jimmy realize that the open nature of the forest clearing at spawn is less enclosed than a room filled with fourteen people would feel, and he understands.

Tango hadn’t been very talkative on the way over. But every time he said something, it was with that same forced ‘Everything’s fine!’ kind of attitude. It’s really starting to frustrate Jimmy, making him want to grab Tango by the shoulders and shout, ‘No, actually, everything’s not fine, and that’s okay!’

But he doesn’t think that’d be well received at the moment.

Tango, standing beside Jimmy, is still maintaining his fake nonchalance. To an untrained observer, he’d actually look quite casual. Simply standing with his hands in his pockets, listening intently to Grian with a plain, but not unpleasant, expression. The only indication Jimmy has that he’s at all uncomfortable is the complete lack of movement.

He doesn’t fidget, doesn’t pace, doesn’t shift his weight- all things that might otherwise be taken as signs of anxiety, but are usually normal for Tango. The stillness, though subtle, is concerning. It means he’s tense and on-guard. As if expecting an attack at any second. Which, to be fair, Jimmy doesn’t blame him for.

But more concerning is the fact that Tango can so easily and convincingly pretend that everything’s fine. He must’ve had a lot of practice.

(Ten years, remember?)

(Of course he’s a good liar.)

(Surprise, surprise.)

Grian clears his throat. “So, as we all know… there was an attack yesterday by some strange fellas who came in through a hacked portal of some sort. I’ve locked the world down for the moment, but until we know all the who’s, why’s, and how’s, I’m afraid that’s only a temporary solution… since I’m sure you all don’t wanna be stuck here forever.”

He says it matter-of-factly, not a hint of any frustration, annoyance, or other ill-feeling in his voice. But Jimmy sees Tango’s face twitch anyway. Unsurprisingly, the guilt is getting to him.

“But that’s why we’re here,” Grian continues, taking a more upbeat tone. “Tango has kindly agreed to explain a little better what’s goin’ on, so hopefully, we can get to the bottom of this and uh… come up with a plan for moving forward.” He gestures invitingly towards Tango. “Tango?”

(Here we go…)

Tango clears his throat. “Right, yeah, thanks.” He takes a small step forward, casting a quick glance around the clearing. “Okay, so here’s the deal. I spawned in a world called Hels, where every player is sort of an evil counterpart to an overworld player elsewhere in the universe. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from the Helsknight fiasco.”

Jimmy can actually see the sudden realization that settles over all the present Hermits- minus Pearl, who seems as out of the loop as the others.

Grian’s eyes widen. “Oh my gosh, that makes so much sense…”

“Oh, dudes,” Ren breathes, running a clawed hand through his hair. “Not gonna lie, I completely forgot about that…”

“Same here,” Impulse says, looking stunned. “I mean, it was over and done with so fast, and Wels didn’t seem worried, so I guess none of us really thought to look into it? Man…”

Scott puts a hand up. “Um, what’s tha’ Helsknight fiasco?” he asks, frowning.

“Oh, right.” Tango scratches the back of his head. “So, you guys know of Welsknight, right? One of our fellow hermits?” At the group’s hesitant nods, he continues, “On Hermitcraft’s seventh world, there was this player who randomly joined and attacked Wels. None of us ever saw him, but when Wels explained the situation later… he said Helsknight was some kinda evil clone, and that he came from a place called Hels.”

Murmurs of surprise and confusion ripple through the group. Jimmy longs to put a hand on Tango’s shoulder as a reassurance, but based on how tense he is, that’d probably set him off.

“Wait, really?” Pearl asks, her antennae curling in surprise. “What’re the chances of that?”

“I know,” Cleo agrees, “it was really strange, in hindsight…”

“So this Helsknight guy,” Joel says, knitting his brows together. “He’s what Bravo was talkin’ about, one of those Hels players? Like all the other people that came through the portal?”

“Yeah,” Martyn chimes in, “I- I noticed a lot of uh, ‘Hels’ in the names in chat. Or like, ones with ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ kinda vibes.”

“Yep.” Tango nods stiffly. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t know Helsknight or- or how he joined Hermitcraft, but it was obvious he was Wels’s counterpart. I mean, he said he was ‘all the darkest parts’ of Wels, right?” He folds his arms. “Well, I’m that for Bravo. A sort of uh- a personification of his badness, I guess.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Bigb cuts in, holding his hands up. “So- so you’re sayin’ that we all have these… Hels versions of ourselves?”

“Evil doppelgängers, yeah,” Tango amends. “I mean, I don’t know why it’d only be for some players and not others, and Hels is plenty big enough for every player in the universe to have a counterpart. You go to any of the major cities around spawn, and it’ll definitely feel that way.”

“What’s this… Hels world like?” Pearl asks, her red eyes wide with a sort of morbid fascination.

Tango’s expression darkens. “It’s an ancient world, infinite and deadly. The overworld and nether are fused into one crazy, messed-up realm full of these weird hybrid kinda biomes, and- and you can’t access the end. The bedrock ceiling makes it so hostile mobs spawn basically everywhere, but you can’t find naturally spawning passive mobs for like, hundreds of thousands of blocks around spawn, ‘cause the early players murdered them all. And no portal travel in or out- at least, that’s what we thought.”

Jimmy’s starting to see why Bravo described Hels as ‘an inescapable prison of horrific violence and suffering.’

Grian raises his eyebrows. “No end?”

“No portals?” Bdubs echoes disbelievingly.

Etho, who’s been listening with rapt attention, tilts his head. “That Bravo guy, he mentioned something about my, uh… my doppelgänger?”

Tango shrugs. “He must’ve met them at some point in the last ten years, yeah. I- I dunno, I never did.” He pauses, creasing his brows as he glances around the circle again. “Actually, I don’t think I ever met any of your guys’s Hels. Or, if I did, I don’t remember.”

That makes Jimmy frown. “What do you mean?”

Tango gives Jimmy a sidelong look. “I uh, I wasn’t really that social for most of my time there, I spent my childhood being a general menace- most kids do, actually. There’s no infrastructure to look after kids, we- they’re basically on their own. So you can imagine it’s- it’s an interesting world to grow up in.” Idly, he kicks at a clump of grass. “Bunch’a little monsters runnin’ around unsupervised, causing chaos, trying not to get brutally killed by hostile mobs and players, it was great.”

Horror seizes Jimmy. “That’s awful.”

“That’s just how it was,” Tango says bluntly. “I mean, try setting something like that up without an admin, right? See how that goes.”

“Wait, Hels doesn’t have an admin?” Grian repeats.

“Nope. At least, not when I was there.” Tango shrugs. “They hadn’t for a long time before I even spawned, so- so the whole place was basically anarchy, every player for themself.”

Aghast, Scar shakes his head. “What in the world…”

“How long did you spend living like that?” Impulse asks softly, his eyes sad.

Tango’s avoiding everyone’s eyes now, staring off somewhere into the middle distance. “Oh, probably ‘til I was like… fifteen or sixteen? Somewhere in the teen stage? That’s when I met Atlas.” A bitter smile splits across his face. “He told me he was recruiting for his redstone company, Hels Tek, and- and of course he threw in lots of cheap flattery, blah blah blah, and in my young, naive stupidity, I fell hook, line, and sinker. Turns out all he wanted me for was a blaze farm.”

There’s a brief silence.

“What?” Jimmy asks, confused. Is that what Atlas had meant about a farm design? Did they just want to force Tango to make farms for them? He knows Tango’s a bit of an innovator in that regard, but that’s an awful lot of trouble to go through for something that could easily be done by someone else.

“He… wanted you to build a blaze farm?” Impulse asks slowly, brows knitting together.

Tango laughs; a sharp, dry exhale. “No, no. Not to build one. To be one.” He reaches a hand up to tap one of the blaze rods hovering around his head. “I uh, I dunno if you guys have noticed, but these things here aren’t just for show. They’re real, functional blaze rods, and they just so happen to be respawnable.”

Jimmy’s stomach drops.

Oh.

(There we go, now they’ve got it.)

(Makes sense, right?)

(Honestly, it’s so obvious…)

The clearing is deathly silent now. All Jimmy can hear is his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. Everything is clicking into place, all the strange things he’s seen and heard suddenly making perfect, horrible sense.

They used Tango as a blaze farm. An actual sentient player, reduced to nothing more than a simple mob. A player with complex thoughts and feelings, with creative ideas and passions, with hopes and fears and dreams. They locked him up like an animal to use for profit- and even now, ten years later, he still can’t fully escape from it.

Jimmy has a sinking feeling he knows what Tango’s nightmares are about.

Tango keeps talking. “They didn’t start with that, of course.” There’s a bored sort of quality to his voice, like he’s merely commentating on the weather. “There was this uhh awkward phase where I thought I was helping with redstone experiments, when actually I was the test subject.”

It’s kind of surreal, actually. To be standing here and talking about this so casually. It’s like Jimmy’s having a nightmare he can’t wake up from.

“And once I caught on, well, they uh- they didn’t exactly have to play nice anymore,” Tango laughs. “That’s where I got these fabulous accessories.” He waves a hand, cuff jangling around his wrist.

Jimmy feels sick. They put the cuffs on Tango to lock him in a farm. To think he’s still had those on him, all this time-

“After that,” Tango continues briskly, “it still took, like, another year of testing for them to develop the most optimized farm.” He delivers the information almost disinterestedly, studying his claws. “It was a pretty smart design, nice and compact.”

Jimmy glances around the clearing. Amidst the shocked, horrified faces, he finds Impulse- who seems to be focused on taking slow, deep breaths, his hands curled into fists at his sides.

(Uh oh, no Impulse to the rescue…)

“Wither roses dealt constant damage,” Tango rattles off, “triggering my blaze rods to respawn as quickly as they could be skadoodled away by hoppers, and they had regen on an automatic clock to keep me alive- though there was a backup respawn anchor for any accidents.”

Wither roses. Of course. Jimmy can picture it, in his mind’s eye; Tango chained up among the ashen flowers. What must it have felt like, to be withering all the time? His health constantly wavering between the icy blackness and the regeneration, every minute of every day. How absolutely miserable.

Jimmy somehow finds his voice again. “How… how long did you spend like that?” he asks hoarsely, stepping next to Tango.

Tango won’t look at him- though he’s carefully watching out of the corner of his eye. “Oh, I dunno… four or five months, maybe?”

Months. Jimmy’s heart aches. He can’t even begin to imagine what that existence was like. To spend all day trapped in a farm that’s constantly hurting him- and by wither effect, no less. Not to mention how dehumanizing the entire concept is on its own.

“How’d you get out?” Jimmy asks tentatively. “If- if you don’t mind.”

Tango snorts. “Yeah, so, one day, the charge on my anchor ran out when no one was around, so I was able to kill myself to get back to world spawn. And that’s when the portal to Hermitcraft appeared.”

Etho steps forward. “I thought Hels didn’t allow portals?” he asks, his voice as cool and unreadable as his partially-concealed expression.

Jimmy’s taken aback, his feathers puffing up unwittingly. He doesn’t understand how Etho can grill Tango about technical details in such an upsetting situation. In fact, he’d almost think that Etho doesn’t care at all- except the question makes Tango pause. In his expression, Jimmy can see his mind working, and realizes what Etho has done.

By circling back to a scientific topic, he’s provided Tango a distraction. Something less personal for his mind to focus on, and take everyone else’s focus off of him. Already, Jimmy can see that Tango’s less tense as he starts to explain.

“We didn’t have portals in Hels, but we knew the concept from data-mining.” Tango spreads his hands. “Locked comm commands, hidden recipes. But portals to Hermitcraft are made by the universe, right? So- so whatever is preventing Hels players from making portals, it- the universe can circumvent it. ‘Course, at the time, I didn’t know how it appeared or where it was gonna take me, but I went through. And apparently, somehow, a portal appeared in front of Bravo that took him to Hels at the same time. The universe must’ve tried to send Bravo to Hermitcraft, glitched ‘cause of Hels’s wonky portal technology, and swapped us by mistake.”

Etho hums noncommittally. “So it was an accident.”

(Oh, sure.)

(That’s what they think…)

(Yeah, he ‘accidentally’ didn’t tell anyone the truth for ten years.)

Jimmy angrily pushes the thoughts away. So long as Tango didn’t intend to strand Bravo in Hels, that’s all that matters to him.

Tango gives Etho a funny look. “I mean, that’s not the point? Bravo’s been trapped in Hels ever since, ‘cause of me. This whole invasion thing was my fault, they were tryin’ to get me back for the farm and help Bravo escape Hels, and... I dunno, get back to his life? Or, the life I stole from him ten years ago.” He shrugs. “So yeah. Secret’s out, sorry I’ve been lying to some of you for a decade, now, and- and sorry you all got dragged into my mess. I didn’t mean t- well, anyway, that’s- that’s what happened.”

“God, Tango,” Jimmy breathes, reaching a hand out, “I- I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry?” Tango asks incredulously, jerking away from Jimmy. “Wh- for what? That’s just what Hels is like, okay, if it wasn’t the farm it’d have been some other terrible thing, so y’know, it’s- it’s whatever.” He lets out another harsh laugh, raking his claws through his hair. “If anything, I’m the one who should be sorry, I mean, I- I’ve been lyin’ for ten years and-”

“They put you in a farm?!”

Everyone jumps. Impulse’s voice is suddenly several octaves lower, quite a bit louder, and warped with distortion into something truly demonic. His pupils have eaten up the rest of his eyes, turning them solid black. The teeth bared in a scowl look bigger and sharper than they used to, and the hands at his sides have sprouted claws. His horns and tail have grown longer, too, and Jimmy can see what looks like dark, leathery wings sprouting up behind him. His entire body is outlined by a bright golden glow, like his skin has abruptly become as hot as lava, and the absolute fury in his expression burns even fiercer.

Ah. This must be ‘full demon’ mode.

Bdubs quickly jumps in front of Impulse, grabbing him by the shoulders to ground him. Jimmy instinctively steps in front of Tango, wings snapping out to shield him from view.

But the damage is already done. Jimmy hears footsteps, and by the time he looks over his shoulder, Tango is gone.

“Tango, wait!” Jimmy turns to follow him, but a hand suddenly grabs his arm.

Martyn is there. “Don’t chase him,” he says lowly, “he’ll only panic more.”

Jimmy wants to argue, but the severity in Martyn’s solitary eye sobers him. “Alright,” he relents, folding his wings. “I… guess I’ll give him a few minutes to calm down…”

“Right, then.” Martyn gives a short nod, putting his hands on his hips. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

“Tell me about it,” Jimmy mutters, gazing back over the clearing.

Impulse is starting to settle back down, Bdubs in front speaking to him in low tones while Etho and Joel each hang onto an arm. It looks like his extra demon-y features are reverting back to his usual state, though he still looks furious.

Grian is sitting against a tree, wings splayed out around him. He’s massaging his temples like he’s warding off a headache, his eyes squeezed shut, groaning, “How did I not see this coming?” while Scar, crouched beside him, rubs his back soothingly.

Ren is pacing back and forth across the clearing. “I should’a killed more of those guys,” he growls, tail lashing, ears pinned flat against his skull.

“Hey, you did all you could,” Bigb says comfortingly. “I was the one that got us killed. If I’d kept my shield up, he wouldn’t have gotten that shot on me.”

“I wish we’d realized that Atlas guy was in charge,” Martyn laments, crossing over to them. “If we’d stopped him from leaving, we could’a gotten a lot more information.”

“I wish we’d known Tango was dealing with all this,” Cleo says bitterly, her crossed arms resting on her knees, Scott leaned against their side. “I mean, honestly… ten years and we never knew? That’s- that’s- that’s rubbish. We’re rubbish friends.”

“Hey, hey now,” Jimmy says, lifting his voice to address the group, “this wasn’t anyone’s fault, okay? You guys have been great friends to Tango- otherwise, he wouldn��t have stuck around for so long, right? It’s- it’s just his way, to try and deal with things on his own without askin’ for help. You know that.”

Cleo exhales slowly. “Yeah, I know. Still sucks.”

“Yeah.” Jimmy glances over at Impulse, who seems to have recovered himself back to normal, sitting cross-legged next to Bdubs. “You alright, Impulse?”

Impulse gives a slight nod, expression guilty. “I’m sorry. I- I almost never lose control like that, I just got so angry… not at Tango!” he quickly clarifies. “Never at him. I- I just… thinking about what they did to him, everything he went through…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Bdubs murmurs, squeezing Impulse’s hand. “That’s- it’s freaking crazy, right? With th- hyaugh, evil Hels world, puttin’ people in uh, in farms… sheesh.”

“Yeah, it’s alright,” Jimmy assures him. “I know you didn’t mean anythin’ by it. I’m sure Tango does, too, he was just so on-guard the whole time… he just got spooked, that’s all.”

“Jimmy,” Pearl says urgently, fluttering over to him while tailed by her small pack of wolves, “d’you know- uh, is- is everythin’ Tango said true?” she asks, concerned.

Jimmy swallows. “It’s true. I mean, I- I didn’t know about the farm specifically, but based on what I overheard Atlas say- it makes sense.” He rubs the back of his neck. “And gosh, I didn’t know how awful Hels was, but the way Bravo talked about it…”

“But, um…” Bdubs pipes up hesitantly. “Just- just ‘cause Tango is Bravo’s… uh, Hels… doppelgänger, whatever… doesn’t mean he’s evil, right?”

“I know!” Jimmy cries, throwing his hands up. “That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell him! He doesn’t believe it. He thinks he’s a monster for what he did, killin’ those guys and burnin’ down the ranch.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Martyn scoffs. He’s coaxed a still-seething Ren to lay down now, absentmindedly stroking Ren’s ears as his head rests in Martyn’s lap while Bigb starts to braid his hair. “It was self-defense, yeah? A bunch of strangers invaded your home, and he defended it. There’s nothin’ wrong with that.”

Jimmy has a feeling it’s more to do with how Tango killed them and how the fire got started, plus the fact that Jimmy got hurt in the process. But Tango didn’t share those particular details, so Jimmy’s not about to now. Besides, in his opinion, that doesn’t change anything.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he says ruefully. “But he still blames himself for what happened. For all of it.”

“Well, that’s stupid,” Cleo deadpans. Then she pauses. “Or- sorry, his feelings aren’t stupid, but I- I hope he knows that none of us feel that way.”

There are exclamations of agreement and similar sentiments from the rest of the group, which helps ease some of the tightness in Jimmy’s chest. He knows his friends, and knows they’re all good people who wouldn’t judge Tango like that, but it’s been hard not to let Bravo’s words get to him.

“I’ll tell him,” Jimmy promises them. “I’ll try to make him understand, he just- I think he’s always been afraid this day would come, that he’s just been tickin’ down borrowed time.”

“What d’you mean?” Grian asks, rising to his feet. “It’s not like he knew they were coming, right?”

Jimmy shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. It’s more like… he’s always had that possibility hanging over him.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right,” Impulse says quietly. “The first time he saw a communicator portal open, you would’ve thought he was being sent to his death. It… makes sense, looking back now.” He puts his head in his hands, sighing. “Man, there were so many signs…”

Grian walks over, pulling his communicator out. “So hang on, the world itself is called Hels, yeah?”

“Yeah, why?” Jimmy asks.

Grian doesn’t respond, silently scanning his comm with his brows knit in concentration. And then something very strange happens. For a moment, it almost seems as if Grian’s eyes flash purple, and Jimmy hears his voice in his head.

(There it is. Hm, firewalled. Gonna be tricky.)

Then Grian pushes his glasses back up, and it passes.

“Right,” he says briskly, putting his comm away. “I can’t find the world, so the portal thing checks out. But since Tango’s cut this meeting a bit short, do you have any other information? Anything the Hels guys might’ve said or done that we should know about?”

Jimmy blinks. Grian’s just looking at him expectantly, giving no indication that there’s anything out of sorts. Jeeze, he’s used to having random thoughts, but the stress of everything must really be getting to him if he’s imagining his friend’s voices, now.

“Um, actually,” Jimmy says, “the collar they put on Tango… he said it’s using some sort of… modified wither rose to dampen his fire? It’s uh, also dampening our soulbond.” He clears his throat, glancing away. “As a- as a fun little side effect.”

“Have you tried removing it yet?” Etho asks, stepping around Impulse with his hands in his pockets.

“I did, earlier,” Impulse chimes in from the ground. “Just with my hands, but uh, he acted like it was hurting him.”

Jimmy nods. “Yeah, Atlas locked it on him with a key, and I’m pretty sure he still had it when he left. So I think that might be the way to get it off.”

“Well,” Joel cuts in, straightening up from where he’d been leaning over Impulse’s shoulder, “surely not the only way, right? I mean, you could always…” He makes a noncommittal noise, and draws a finger across his neck.

Jimmy bristles, wings flaring out. “What, decapitate my soulmate?!”

Joel holds up his hands. “Hey, hey, we don’t know if that thing’ll respawn on him!”

“His cuffs do!” Jimmy points out.

“Yeah, but isn’t it worth a shot?” Joel counters.

“I… I guess,” Jimmy relents, letting his feathers smooth back down. “But I’d rather look into a few other options before jumpin’ straight to decapitation, if you don’t mind. Tango’s been through enough as it is.”

Joel backs off. “Alright, fair enough.”

“Okay…” Grian turns to address the rest of the group. “Well, um… this has been an interesting revelation, to say the least. I think we’re gonna have to do a bit more research to figure out how they got here before we just… open the world back up. So that means we’ll all be stuck here a bit longer, is that- is that okay with everyone?”

“Yes, yes of course,” Bdubs says vehemently.

“Yeah,” Impulse agrees, “whatever it takes.”

Further murmurs of assent ring out from among the group. Everywhere Jimmy looks, he sees faces full of sympathy and understanding, not a single trace of resentment or annoyance to be found. God, he loves his friends.

“Thanks, guys, I appreciate it,” he says gratefully. “I’m gonna go check on Tango, but we’ll keep you updated if anythin’ changes.”

“Right, okay then.” Grian claps his hands together. “Uh- I guess that’s all for now?”

Nodding, Jimmy turns and takes to the sky, leaving spawn behind him.

His mind is still reeling from all the heavy revelations, his stomach twisted up into knots, but he’s at least comforted by knowing that his friends are behind them. Seems that the fears Bravo tried to instill were completely unfounded, nothing more than vicious, desperate attempts to sow division between Tango and the others. Jimmy really shouldn’t have doubted them.

(That went… surprisingly well.)

(Give it time.)

‘Oh, shove off,’ Jimmy thinks.

~*~

He finds Tango back at the spare room in Impulse and Bdubs’s house.

Thank goodness for that. He hadn’t exactly been sure if Tango would consider this a safe place to go. But with the ranch destroyed and the world on lockdown, it’s not like he has a lot of options.

Tango’s sitting on the bed with his back to Jimmy. At a glance, he seems relaxed, but his legs are curled under him in a way that’d allow him to spring up in an instant. And the way his pointed ears swivel back toward Jimmy tells him Tango is quite alert.

(So deceiving…)

“Hey, Tango,” Jimmy says softly. “You alright?”

“Oh, hey.” Tango doesn’t turn around just yet, shrugging a shoulder. “Sure, yeah.”

Jimmy lingers by the bed for a moment, uncertain. “Um, Impulse didn’t mean to lose his temper like that,” he offers. “He wasn’t mad at you, he was mad at the situation, that’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just, in the moment- I- I- thought…” Tango sighs. “Anyway. So- so I guess I should head out, huh?”

Jimmy’s stomach drops. “What? What’re you sayin’?”

“It’s over, right?” Tango asks, his voice tight, shoulders hunched by his ears. “They don’t want me around, and I don’t blame ‘em. I mean, once Grian opens the world again, it’s only a matter of time before another portal from Hels opens up. And- and who’d want to go through all that again, right? So don’t worry, I get it, it was my fault, so-”

“No, Tango, I promise- none of them blame you, alright?” Jimmy sits down on the bed- not too close. “None of them believe what Bravo was sayin’ about you. None of them think you’re some… some evil monster that deserves to be locked up in Hels.”

Tango finally turns around. His body is coiled with all the tension of a drawn arrow. “That’s ‘cause they didn’t see me- what I did- back at the ranch,” he says sharply. “They don’t know the whole story.”

Jimmy rubs the back of his neck, exhaling slowly. He knew Tango would hold that against himself. “Well, I do, and I-”

“No, you don’t.”

Jimmy blinks. “Wh- oh, you mean the Helsknight thing?” he asks, furrowing his brows. “Look, honestly, based on what you told Bravo, I don’t blame you for doing that. You were just scared you’d get sent back, that doesn’t make you evil. I know you-”

“No, you don’t,” Tango says again, more intently. “You don’t know everything about me, Jimmy.”

Jimmy’s stomach drops. “Wha’d’you mean?”

Tango smiles without humor, a hard look in his eye. “You wanna know why I like making those- those crazy mob farms? Why I try to kill them in creative, fun ways?” He tilts his head. “Because I like it. I like to make their deaths entertaining. I’ll even sacrifice efficiency for it, I’ll go out of my way to do it. And I- it doesn’t stop there, I’ll kill passive mobs for no reason. Cats, frogs, things that don’t even have drops, for absolutely no reason. That’s not normal.”

Despite himself, Jimmy feels a chill run down his spine. “That’s not… those are just mobs, it’s- it’s not evil…”

(Are you sure about that?)

Tango exhales sharply- a short, bitter laugh. “Okay. You know why practically all my mini games end in death? Huh? You wanna guess?”

Distress shoots through Jimmy. “Tango-”

“I like to watch players die, too,” Tango says. “And I like it to be entertaining. I enjoy it, that’s- that’s just plain sadistic.” He rakes his claws through his hair. “That’s what I am, I’m a- a sadistic monster, okay, I always have been.”

“Stop it, don’t say that!” Jimmy protests, his heart twisting. “You’re not- people actually sign up for those games, you know. And it’s not like death is permanent, it doesn’t matter-”

“So?” Tango interrupts harshly. He jumps off the bed and starts pacing. “What- does that make any difference? Doesn’t matter if people enjoy them, okay, my- my reason for making them is wrong. Designing games is fun, sure, but I- that’s never what it’s been about. I like to make players struggle, and suffer, and die in the end. I like to watch them experience pain and fear in a trap of my own creation. I like the feeling of control it gives me. No matter how you look at it, that’s- I- I’m messed up.”

Jimmy can’t take this anymore. He rises to his feet. “Tango, stop, that’s enough,” he says, his voice stern. “I know I haven’t known you very long, but-”

“Yeah,” Tango snaps, rounding on Jimmy, “you haven’t! That’s the whole problem! I’ve kept a huge chunk of my life secret from you, my own soulmate. I’ve kept it from the Hermits, too- my friends of nearly a decade. I’ve deceived and lied to everyone I ever cared about. I’ve pretended to be this- this benevolent game maker who just wants everyone to have a good time, I’ve kept so much of who I really am hidden ‘cause I knew that if you guys ever saw the real me, you’d hate me.”

Jimmy’s mind is reeling. Tango’s clever eye for game design is something Jimmy’s always loved about him, the way he could create fun challenges even amidst the throes of a death game. After all, the first time they really interacted was when Jimmy died to his ‘Dare to Flare’ challenge back on the Third Life world. And that had been a laughably simple game compared to some of the things he’s done on Hermitcraft.

Even though it ended up costing Jimmy a life, the rush of adrenaline had been thrilling. And even though in hindsight, he knew it was a deliberate ploy by Tango to thin out his competitor’s lives, Jimmy’s never resented him for it.

So to suddenly realize there might’ve been more to it… that Tango might’ve actually enjoyed watching him burn to death- beyond the simple satisfaction of having outsmarted his competition, of course- is… unsettling, to say the least.

(What a start to a relationship!)

(The red flags have been there from day one.)

(A sadist and a liar, lucky you.)

But nevertheless, Jimmy holds his ground. “I don’t hate you.”

Tango tenses. “You should.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Jimmy insists. “I love you, Tango.”

“No, you don’t!” Tango snarls, and the hurt in his voice is raw and ragged and bleeding. His eyes are burning with rage, and Jimmy’s almost certain that if it weren’t for the collar, he’d be on fire right now. “Alright? Just shut up! You love this- this version of me that I’ve presented, okay, this lie I’ve been living. You love Tango the friendly redstoner, who makes ridiculous high-pitched noises when he’s flustered and who’s funny when he’s mad and who can’t fight his way out of a one-block hole. You don’t love the sadistic blaze hybrid that sets things on fire and- and rips people’s throats out with his fucking teeth, don’t be stupid!”

The silence that follows is deafening.

(And there it is!)

(Finally showing his true colors.)

(He did try to tell you…)

For a moment, Jimmy is too stunned to speak. Tango’s never yelled at him before, not seriously, and the sting of his words is almost a physical thing.

Tango seems just as shocked at his outburst as Jimmy is, his face paling as his anger quickly extinguishes. The next words out of Tango’s mouth are almost guaranteed to be an apology, but Jimmy isn’t letting him off that easily.

“Now hang on just a second,” Jimmy says lowly. “You don’t get to tell me how I feel about you. I’m a grown player. I’m not some poor, innocent idiot that you’ve manipulated into loving you, alright? And it hurts that you’d think so little of me, that I’d stand here and just lie about my feelings to you.”

(Ooh, someone finally grew a backbone-)

Jimmy silences the thought, violently forcing it out of his mind. He’s got no patience for that sort of thing right now.

“I’m sorry,” Tango whispers, “I didn’t-”

“And what’s more,” Jimmy continues, gaining steam, “do you really think I’m the type of person to judge someone so harshly for things outta their control? You honestly think I’m some- some shallow, heartless jerk who’d turn on you, just like that? Or- for that matter, you think the Hermits would? After ten years of friendship, you have that little faith in them?”

Tango’s eyes widen. “No, no it’s- it’s not like that,” he says quickly. “I didn’t mean-”

“I don’t care that you’re from Hels,” Jimmy presses, taking a step forward. “I don’t care what you did in the past, or that you kept it from me. I don’t care if some random guy thinks you’re just the manifestation of all his evil- frankly, I think that says more about him than it does about you.” He comes to a stop in front of Tango. “I love you. The teeth, the claws, the death fascination or- or whatever you wanna call it- I love all of it. All of you. And I wish more than anythin’ they hadn’t got that damn collar on you, so you could feel that love through our soulbond. But you’ve felt it before, right? Before I knew? Well um, it hasn’t changed, I promise you that.”

Tango stares back up at him. Now that the anger’s gone, he just looks scared. “You don’t-” His voice breaks. “You can’t.”

“Yes, I do,” Jimmy answers, unwavering. As difficult as this conversation has been, this part’s easy. “I promise, cross my heart.”

Tango shudders, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. “Please,” he whispers, “don’t… I can’t- if I let myself think that but you don’t mean it, I- I can’t handle that. Please. Just tell me now, okay, get it over with…”

Understanding settles over Jimmy. Creasing his brows, he takes a slow, deliberate step forward. “I mean it,” he says, lifting a hand to cup Tango’s cheek.

Tango trembles, but he doesn’t move away. He swallows, licks his lips. “Say it again?” he asks, almost a plea, his eyes darting to take in every inch of Jimmy’s face- like he’s unsure whether he can truly believe what he’s seeing, almost searching for any hint, any trace of doubt in Jimmy’s expression.

There isn’t any. Jimmy leans in. “I love you.”

Something glimmers in Tango’s eyes; a warm light Jimmy hasn’t seen since before the ranch burned.

Something like hope.

Love rises inside Jimmy like a wave- love and the sorrow of shared grief, the fierce determination to withstand it, and the agony of all the past suffering he can’t take away. It’s overwhelming and exhilarating, this sudden rush of emotion. A whirling maelstrom that makes his head spin. But his love burns brightly through it all, a sole lantern against the storm.

Maybe he can’t make Tango believe he’s worthy of love. But he can give it anyway.

Jimmy moves slowly, tilting his face down towards Tango’s. He keeps his eyes open until the very last second, giving Tango plenty of time to move away or say something to stop him, to give any sign at all that he isn’t feeling the same.

There isn’t any. Their lips meet gently, like a familiar greeting. Like the way sunlight falls through the window every morning.

And just like that, the dam breaks. Suddenly Tango’s kissing him back, fervently, pushing against him. Jimmy’s legs hit the bed and buckle, sending him backwards, Tango falling on top of him. His hands cling to Jimmy’s shirt, twisting in the fabric, and his tears wet Jimmy’s face, salt on his tongue. Above the pounding of his heart in his ears, he can just make out the words Tango’s murmuring between kisses, breathless and desperate.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you.”

Jimmy pulls him impossibly closer, whispering, “I never doubted.”

They don’t need words after that.

~*~

“Jeeze, they weren’t kidding,” Tango mutters, taking in the ranch with wide eyes.

The ranch looks even worse than Jimmy had been imagining. Nearly the entire first floor is gone, just a wide-open plot and their lonely front door sitting ajar. Aside from the odd block here and there, it’s just empty. A couple trapdoors from the furniture in the living room. The smooth stone slabs that made up their kitchen countertops. An occasional unbroken glass pane floating where there used to be windows.

It’s not a home anymore, not by any stretch of the imagination.

Up the intact cobblestone staircase, the second floor has only fared slightly better. Some of the walls are still standing, charred and moth-eaten as they are. He thinks most of the bathroom’s interior was spared, as it was primarily made of different stone materials. Polished andesite and the like. The chests in their storage room made it, of course, even though the room itself didn’t. And their bedroom seems to have gotten the worst of it. From down here, he thinks it might just be the bed itself that’s left.

The roof is gone, leaving their cobblestone chimney awkwardly sticking up from the ground to nowhere. The path up to the house and the surrounding fields have been torn up to make a ditch. Necessary as it was, it’s quite the eyesore. And to top it all off, one of the custom trees that Scar helped build has been hastily chopped down, due to its proximity to the nearby forest. There’s just a couple of logs and solitary leaves left floating in the air.

It hurts. Everywhere Jimmy looks, there’s another source of heartache. Another precious memory that’s been turned to ash. It’s almost enough to bring tears to his eyes.

But he’s also aware of Tango standing beside him. He knows how much Tango is already beating himself up for the fire, and the last thing he wants to do is add to that guilt.

Jimmy turns to give Tango a rueful grin. “Talk about your fixer-uppers, ey?”

Tango exhales slowly. “Man, it’s so…” He glances at Jimmy, expression pinched. “I’m sorry, you worked so hard-”

“It’s fine,” Jimmy says, shrugging. “It’s just a building.”

Tango hesitates. “It’s… alright to be upset. This was our home, and I- I got all ‘rahhhrr angry-burny rage mode’ on it and-”

“Not your fault,” Jimmy says, voice gentle but firm. He puts a hand on Tango’s shoulder. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s the Hels fellas for attackin’ us in the first place.”

Tango makes a noncommittal noise, scuffing the upturned dirt with his boot. “Sure.”

It’s clear he’s not convinced, but Jimmy leaves it there for now. Their conversation from yesterday is going to take some time to fully sink in. He crosses over to a haphazardly-placed double chest near the front of the ranch and crouches beside it, lifting the lid with a creak.

“Martyn said everything they were able to save is in this chest here, let’s see…” He rummages through the chest’s inventory. A lot of it is random junk; miscellaneous blocks, half-stacks of wheat, dropped weapons and armor from the fight. But there are a few good finds, like some of the clothes from their closet, a couple of flower pots, one of his framed embroidery pieces...

“Oh, hey, look at this!” Jimmy calls excitedly. “My gloves!”

He pulls the gloves out, looking up from the chest to see Tango standing over him. His eyes widen when he sees them- happily surprised at first, and then the familiar dawning of guilt and regret.

“You uh… maybe I should take those back, for now,” Tango says quietly, his ears lowered. “Or- or maybe just forever, yeah.”

“Ey, stop it, no take-backs,” Jimmy chastises him, slipping the gloves on. “Gloves couldn’t have prevented that fire, anyways. And I like wearin’ ‘em, because that way it’s sorta like I’m holdin’ your hand all the time.”

A grin tugs at Tango’s mouth. “Aw, that’s real cheesy, honey,” he teases, even as a faint blush colors his cheeks.

“Yeah, but I mean it,” Jimmy says loftily. “I’m keepin’ them.”

Tango holds his hands up, chuckling. “Alright, alright…” His gaze travels back towards the ranch, up towards the storage room with its rows of chests. “Guess we should still have plenty of materials to rebuild, huh?”

“Should do, yeah,” Jimmy says, straightening up. Having the gloves back is an immediate comfort, despite the fact he’d only gone two days without them. He foldings his arms, gaze sweeping critically over the remains of the ranch. “I guess for now, we’ll just focus on the structure? Y’know, get the place liveable again and worry ‘bout the decor and landscapin’ later…”

“Oh, that’s what you think!”

The loud voice makes them both jump. Jimmy whirls around to see Bdubs- of course, because there’s absolutely no mistaking that voice.

“Bdubs!” Jimmy laughs, clutching his heart. “What- what’re you doin’ here?”

Bdubs puts his hands on his hips. “I- I can’t believe what I’m- ‘no interior decor’, yeah right! You’re not gonna get outta that very- so easy! I tell you!”

Tango snickers. Luckily Bdubs’s sudden appearance hasn’t seemed to cause more than a brief startle. “Oh, yeah? You gonna help out, then, shorty?”

“Hey!” Bdubs barks incredulously- though it’s clear from his expression he’s not really upset. “I’m tryin’ t- augh, n’you- you stu- yes. Yes, yes, I’m here to help, of course. For goodness sakes. I- how kind, are I! Sweet, kind Bdubs…”

“And handsome, too,” Jimmy adds cheekily.

That makes Bdubs beam, puffing his chest out. “Yeahhh, c’mon baby!”

“Don’t encourage him,” Tango groans.

“Oh, stop it!” Bdubs huffs. “Anyway, Impulse would’ve come, of course, but he and Etho- the redstone guys, you know, uh, they’re havin’ a- a- little chat, little brainy-thing… brainstormin’ ‘bout the portal stuff with Grian. But never thy fear! I saw you guys head out and, in my eternal wiseness, have already called in the forcements!”

Jimmy exchanges an amused look with Tango. “Well, any help is appreciated,” he amends.

“Sure about that, Timmy?” calls Joel’s voice, as the man himself appears over the hill.

And he’s not alone. Cleo’s taller figure looms over him, Scott and Pearl walking on either side of her as a small pack of wolves weave between their legs. The trio is followed by Martyn, Bigb, and Ren- the latter seeming to have recovered his friendly disposition and wagging tail. Finally, Scar emerges from behind a tree to round out the group, calling out a cheerful, “Hello there!”

Joel comes to a stop next to Bdubs and claps him on the shoulder. “We figured you two could use the help, what with you not bein’ builders and all.” Cheeky man.

Jimmy snorts. “Gee, thanks,” he says sarcastically. But slights at their building skills aside, he’s actually quite touched.

Tango blinks. “You guys… all came to help out?” he asks, sounding amazed.

“Of course!” Bdubs declares. “We ha- we help!”

Cleo shrugs, giving a hapless grin. “You know, I- I- I really don’t know… why Bdubs invited me? I’m not that great a builder. But I can supervise, I guess? And- and heckle. Always heckle.”

“And reach tha’ tall bits,” Scott offers, lightly elbowing her hip.

“And reach the tall bits,” Cleo laughs. “Right. Yes.”

“It’s the least we can do,” Martyn chimes in, slinging an arm around Bigb’s shoulders, “since that portal stuff is way over my head.”

Bdubs pulls a face. “Uh…” He speaks to Jimmy and Tango behind his hand, despite making no effort to lower his voice at all- for comedic effect. “Normally, I would’ve offered my perfect redstone prowess to uh, to help the other guys out with their little portal thing, you know, but eugh- I knew someone would have ta’ keep all these jokers in line.”

“Ah, of course,” Tango replies sagely.

“Well?” Bdubs turns expectantly to the others, throwing his arms up. “Get movin’ then! Sheesh! Stand around, waitin’ for- for no raisin…”

“Yes, my liege,” Cleo drawls, rolling their eyes.

Ren claps his big paws together. “Yeah, we’re burnin’ daylight, my dudes!”

Pearl’s fuzzy wings unfurl from beneath her red cloak. “Let’s see what we’re workin’ with!” she says excitedly, fluttering up to the storage room.

Just like that, the other Double Lifers descend on the husk of the ranch. Placing down temporary chests and crafting benches, sorting through the remaining resources, filling in the ditch with dirt. Multiple conversations start up immediately as everyone sets to a task, and the atmosphere is comfortable- even if a bit strange.

Jimmy can’t recall a time when this many of them have worked on a project together. Not on Third Life, not on Last Life, not here. Something like this just wouldn’t be possible during a death game. Large gatherings between different groups are always fraught with tension and uncertainty, by the fear of a trap or a backstab or a fight breaking out.

But it’s nice. Pearl is hovering above the second floor, working with Cleo to build the walls back up while Scott prepares some stairs and slabs for detailing. Scar and Bdubs are already bickering about how to do the landscaping while Joel grumbles at them, waist-deep in the ditch with Bigb and Martyn placing dirt. Ren’s started tearing down the damaged trees, clearing room for replanting, and Pearl’s wolves mill about, filling the air with curious sniffs and yips.

Tango’s watching the scene unfold with wide eyes, and it suddenly occurs to Jimmy that this is the most people Tango’s been around since the difficult conversation at spawn. Impulse was checking on them throughout the rest of the day, of course, and a few of the other players stopped by now and again, but not in big groups or anything.

Jimmy steps closer to Tango. “Is this okay?” he asks softly.

Tango looks at him in surprise. A smile spreads across his face, and he takes Jimmy’s hand. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “Yeah, it is.”

Jimmy smiles back. “Then let’s get in there.”

~*~

Jimmy lets out a low whistle. “Dang, this looks even better than before!” he says, craning his head to look around the room.

After a full day of building and the gradual dispersal of the other Double Lifers, Jimmy and Tango are now seeing their new bedroom for the first time. They were around for the bulk of the structure building, but once it came time for the interior, Bdubs and Scar had insisted it be a surprise. Everything about it is perfect, from the custom furniture to the quilted wool rug to the fancy frame Scar built around their double-wide bed.

Tango clears his throat. “Maybe, uh- maybe we can just…” He kicks one of the beds with the toe of his boot. “... scooch this over a little…”

“Nope,” Jimmy declares, sweeping Tango off the floor and onto the bed. “Nice try, mate, but you’re stayin’ right here next to me.”

“Okay, okay, fine! I ju- don’t say I didn’t warn you!” Tango huffs, but he’s grinning as he says it.

~*~

“Alright, fellas,” Grian says, clapping his hands together, “here’s what we’ve got so far…”

Jimmy leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Tango is a little tense beside him- probably just nerves. But it could be worse. They’re gathered in the living room of Impulse and Bdubs’s house; Grian perched on the arm of the sectional across from Jimmy and Tango, Impulse and Etho sitting adjacent to them. The familiar setting and fairly limited company seems to have helped put Tango more at ease for what might end up being a tricky conversation.

“We’re... pretty sure we know how the Hels peeps got here,” Grian continues, “but there are a few things we need to clarify, first.” He glances at Etho, inclining his head. “Etho, you wanna explain?”

“Oh yeah, yeah.” Etho stands up. “Tango, may I see your comm, please? I uh, just need to look at it for a minute.”

Tango blinks. Anxiety flashes across his face for just a brief second before disappearing. “Oh. Uh, sure?” He pulls the item from his inventory, holding it out.

Etho takes the communicator. “So,” he begins, sitting back down, “you said that in Hels, players can’t make portals with their communicators, right?”

Tango gives a short nod. “That’s right. That comm isn’t the one I spawned with, they took that from me at Hels Tek. X made me a new one, after I got to Hermitcraft.” He gives a dry laugh. “I told him- I told him I lost it. Which, I mean, that’s- it’s technically not a lie, just... not the whole truth.”

Jimmy gives him a sympathetic look. He might no longer be worried that the others will reject him, but this still can’t be easy to talk about.

Etho studies the communicator, his mismatched eyes narrowed in concentration. “So after you got a new comm, you were able to use it to make portals?”

“Yeah,” Tango says, “it uh, it’s taken me to each Hermitcraft world and everything in between, no problem. Hubs, solo worlds, creative- you name it.”

Etho hums. “Can you use your comm to travel to Hels?”

“No.” Tango glances away. “I’ve looked for it, a few times. Never shows up.”

That brings a couple more questions to mind, but Jimmy files them away for later.

“Interesting.” Etho seems to be delving deep into the communicator’s hardware, typing rapidly. “So uh, the portal issue isn’t centered on players that spawn in Hels, just their communicators. And since overworld communicators can’t find Hels, there must be something about the world itself preventing it.”

Tango knits his brows together. “I suppose…?”

It’s at this point that Grian leans forward. “Have either of you heard about firewalls?” he asks.

Tango shakes his head, but Jimmy’s heart jolts. He has heard that word before; just the other day, when he thought he heard Grian’s voice in his head. But that’s not exactly something Jimmy wants to bring up right now. Or ever, maybe. His weird, random, intrusive thoughts don’t need to be anyone else’s problem.

“Um…” Jimmy pretends to think about it for a moment. “I think I’ve heard the term somewhere before, but I- I dunno what that actually means.”

“Right.” Grian spreads his hands. “So firewalls are a sort of added security measure that admins can use when making a new world. It’s like, an impenetrable barrier ‘round the world that makes it basically impossible for anyone unauthorized to join via portal.”

“Wait, really?” Tango asks, eyes widening. “What- why haven’t I heard about this? Do all worlds have these?”

Grian makes a noncommittal noise. “Well, firewalls are kinda outdated. Developments in server security and comm travel have basically rendered them obsolete. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of a private world being raided, besides ours?” He shrugs. “Plus, it’s a real tedious process to set one up, so they aren’t used often. Mostly for multiplayer worlds that are invite-only, if an admin is particularly concerned about hackers.”

Jimmy holds out a hand. “So wait, hang on, this- what’s this got to do with our situation?”

Impulse catches his eye. “If you try to join a firewalled world without permission, it doesn’t show up on your comm.”

“Oh,” Tango says, realization dawning in his expression. “You think Hels has a firewall?”

“It’s the only thing I can think of,” Grian says, nodding. “However, it’s a bit odd, ‘cause firewalls are usually just one-way… meaning that they keep players out, but they don’t stop players from leaving. So if that’s what’s goin’ on with Hels, it’s a firewall unlike any I’ve ever heard of- where it’s meant to keep players in, too. I’m not exactly sure if that’s why comms made in Hels can’t make portals, or if that’s due to something else entirely, but uh, that’s my best guess.”

Tango runs a hand through his hair. “That’s… I mean, this is the first I’ve heard of firewalls, but that doesn’t sound impossible…”

“So,” Jimmy speaks up hesitantly, “so how did the Hels Tek guys open a portal here?”

“How, indeed?” Etho repeats, finally looking up from Tango’s communicator. “Well, we know the portal was red, not purple. That’s like a comm portal, the way their light syncs up with the world they lead to. But uh, you know, the players coming through had items and armor on them, and they didn’t show up at world spawn. Their spawns didn’t reset, either, they uh- they kept spawning back on the other side. That makes me think this was actually a hacked nether portal, not a comm portal.”

Tango frowns. “Hang on, we- we didn’t have nether portals in Hels, either. I mean, how- there was no point, the nether and the overworld were combined into one realm.”

“Right.” Etho’s got that look in his eye- the glint of an idea about to take off. Jimmy’s seen it in Tango countless times. “You know how nether portals work?”

Tango coughs into his fist. “Oh, right, of course I know all the uh, super technical skadoodle bits, but- but maybe you should go over it.” He jerks his head towards Jimmy and Grian. “You know, for these uh, non-redstone people here.”

“Please do,” Jimmy chuckles.

Etho’s eyes crinkle upwards, like he’s smiling behind his mask. “Basically, they grab the coordinates they’re made on and translate it to nether coords, and vice versa. From what you’ve told me about Hels, being a fusion of the nether and overworld realms, a nether portal couldn’t work ‘cause it’d be like… giving it coords to a place it already is? It’d just crash and never ignite. But if you gave a nether portal frame coordinates to a different place… like, say, a different world…”

Even with Jimmy’s scarce knowledge of portals, it’s easy enough to catch Etho’s meaning.

“That’s crazy,” Tango protests. “How’d they- how could they possibly have gotten coordinates to Double Life?”

“I don’t think they did. I think they got coords to you.” Etho leans forward. “Think about it. The portal didn’t open at spawn, it opened down the hill from the ranch- where you were. I think that was intentional, considering you’re the whole reason they came.”

Jimmy’s mind is spinning. “But... how? And how’d you figure all this out?”

Etho shrugs a shoulder. “Uh, educated guess? Like, just kinda based on the things Bravo said, and what Tango’s told us about Hels and the players it spawns. But um, looking at his comm just now basically confirms it for me.”

“Wait, really?” Tango asks, surprised. “How?”

Etho tilts his head. “Communicators are pretty special items. They’re unique to the player they spawn with- even a replacement communicator like this one. It might not have the hard locks on it that prevent it from summoning portals, but it’s still unique to you. And based on its data, I can tell your player data is a little different. I think it has to do with you being from Hels.”

Tango hesitates. “Okay, and…?”

“If you and Bravo are really counterparts,” Etho says, “then I’d expect your data to be similar. Like, the same word in different languages, in a metaphorical sense. So if Bravo’s data was fed into a nether portal, it’d translate it to your data, and open a portal at your coords. Plus or minus a few blocks, probably.”

Jimmy knits his brows together. “So… you’re sayin’ they used Bravo to open a portal to Tango?” he surmises.

Etho nods. “I’d need Bravo’s comm or a look at his player data to confirm, but that’s my best guess, yeah.” He holds the communicator back out to Tango.

Tango stashes the communicator in his inventory. “So wait, what about- how does the firewall thing factor in, here?” he asks. “If it stops comm portals, wouldn’t it stop a nether portal, too?”

“Yes and no,” Grian answers. “A firewall works by constantly scanning for portals. If it finds one trying to form, it’ll crash it. If a nether portal was used to travel between different worlds, rather than two realms on the same world, a firewall would recognize it all the same.”

“But,” Etho continues, “if they somehow figured out how to stabilize the portal… like, by sending a constant stream of updates… it’d constantly reset the scanner of the firewall. Sort of like an update suppressor. That way, the uh, the firewall can never actually register the portal as a problem and shut it down. So that’d be one way they could keep a hacked nether portal open, even in the face of a firewall.”

Tango exhales slowly. “Okay…” he says, “and how do we stop them from doing that ever again?”

Impulse winces. “That, we’re not sure about. I mean, if Bravo wasn’t there for them to grab a signal from, I guess that’d stop them. However they built a portal, it probably needs his data to function.”

“Oh, well, great.” Tango throws his hands up. “No way he won’t help them again, he hates my guts. Only reason they haven’t come back yet is ‘cause Grian locked the world down, I- I guarantee it. But we can’t just all stay locked in here forever, you’ve all got lives and other worlds to get back to.”

Jimmy frowns, putting a hand on Tango’s shoulder. “Tango, anyone who’s got a problem with you has a problem with all of us.”

“For sure,” Grian agrees.

“Besides,” Impulse says, shrugging, “not to toot our own horns or anything, but I think we handled ourselves just fine against them.”

“You mean Pearl’s wolves handled them,” Tango says flatly. “And you guys had the element of surprise. I guarantee the only reason they went down so easy is ’cause they weren’t expecting much resistance. They show up again, now knowing what they’re up against, and that’s- that’s gonna turn out a whole lot differently.” He crossed his arms. “I need to leave, before Grian opens the world back up.”

“And what, just wait for them to come after you?” Jimmy demands, his wings puffing up. “Absolutely not.”

Tango makes an unhappy noise in the back of his throat. “It’s- you understand it’s only a matter of time, right?” he stresses. “Maybe it won’t be right after Grian lifts the lockdown, okay, maybe it’ll be days, or weeks, or months. Either way, it’ll happen eventually, and when it does… whether it’s- if that happens here, or back on Hermitcraft, or the next Life world... the result will be the same. People I care about will get caught in the crossfire, I- I’m not lettin’ that happen again.”

Jimmy pauses, wings drooping. The distress in Tango’s voice is sobering. There’s no question that Tango cares fiercely about his friends, and the guilt for putting them in harm’s way must be staggering. But still, he insists, “We don’t mind stayin’ put-”

“For how long, though?” Tango asks pointedly. “I can’t ask you guys to stay here forever. Like, I- I can’t stress enough how obsessive Atlas is. He came for me after ten years, okay, he’s not gonna just give up or lose interest. There will always be the risk of them opening another portal to me, so long as Bravo is in Hels.”

“So what if Bravo wasn’t in Hels?” Impulse cuts in.

Tango gives him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

Impulse’s eyes are alight with excitement as he gains steam with his idea. “What if we went to Hels and got him out? That way, he’s not mad at you for being stuck there anymore, right, and Hels Tek can’t use him to make another portal.”

“What, you mean we open a portal to Hels?” Tango asks, raising his eyebrows. “I- I thought we already established that our comms can’t take us there, what- how are we supposed to get there?”

“The same way they got here,” Etho says. “We use your data to open a hacked nether portal to Bravo. Ahah.”

As intimidating as the prospect of encountering Hels Tek again is, Jimmy has to admit it’s probably the only solution. They can’t just ignore the problem and hope it goes away, not if it means Tango could get randomly attacked at any moment. And with all of the Double Lifers together, they stand a much better chance of succeeding.

“That’s a great idea!” Jimmy exclaims. “We grab him, shake Atlas down for the key to the collar while we’re at it, and get out. Problem solved.”

Tango doesn’t seem nearly as enthused. “No way. Absolutely no way. That’s- that’s way too dangerous, if you guys get stranded there- and Atlas is already looking for more hybrids to make farms with, he was about to take Jimmy for a feather farm!”

A brief silence follows this revelation.

Grian grimaces, ruffling his wings. “Oh, woof.”

“What?” Impulse asks, taken aback. “That’s why he had Jimmy chained up, too?”

Jimmy blinks. “Oh, is that what he meant?”

“What’d you th- you didn’t know?” Tango asks incredulously.

Jimmy holds his hands up. “Hey, hey, I didn’t spend much time thinkin’ about what he said to me!” he says sheepishly. “I was more concerned about you.”

Tango pinches the bridge of his nose. “Oh. Oh, great. Well yeah, that’s what he wanted you for, to stick you in a feather farm skadoodler for all eternity.”

Jimmy swallows. No wonder Tango’s been so against the idea of them going against Hels Tek again. Death is no big deal- they’d simply respawn. Few injuries cause lasting damage. But being trapped in a farm like that, with no means to escape…

“Well,” he says, “that still doesn’t change my mind. You’re his number one target, okay, you can’t go without backup.”

“No,” Tango huffs. “Let me do it. I- I know Bravo shouldn’t just be left there forever, but that’s not your guys’ faults! It’s my life, my mistake, you guys shouldn’t be putting yourselves at risk like that-”

“Tango,” Jimmy interrupts, “we’re not gonna make a portal to Hels and just send you through alone-”

“Well, I’m not letting you guys come with me!” Tango shoots back. “Most of you guys are hybrids or monsters, too, and I’m not gonna risk Atlas turning you into farms.”

Grian clicks his tongue. “Ey, we wouldn’t let that happen.”

“Yeah,” Jimmy says, “and what’s the alternative? You just take off to some solo world until Hels Tek comes a’knockin’?”

Tango shrugs. “I mean, I’d be fine with that-”

“No,” Jimmy says firmly. “I’m not lettin’ that happen. This is our only option, to put this problem to bed forever, and we stand the best chance if we do it together. We have to take it.” He grabs Tango’s hand. “Please, Tango.”

Tango hesitates, staring at their intertwined hands.

Now more than ever, Jimmy desperately wishes that he had some sense of what Tango’s thinking- even just the slightest insight to his thoughts, the faintest impression of an emotion through their soulbond. Especially since he’s had his confidence in reading Tango so thoroughly shaken over the last week. It’s scary to consider that he might not know Tango nearly half as well as he should, that Tango can so effectively mask his true feelings even from him.

“... fine,” Tango says, after a small eternity. “Fine, okay, we- let’s plan an invasion to Hels, sure.”

Jimmy gasps. “Really?”

“But,” Tango says warningly, “we gotta go about this extremely carefully, alright? No willy-nilly ‘rushing in blindly without a plan’ nonsense. And- and once we’re there, if at any point I tell you guys to flee, you- you best be fleein’, got it? With extra flee. No stupid heroics of noble stupidness.”

It’s a chance. That’s better than nothing. “Yes, alright!” Jimmy cheers. “Thank you!”

(Yay, we’re going to Hels- said no one ever.)

(Do they know what they’re getting into?)

(Oh boy, here we go.)

Etho shrugs. “Whatever you say, Tango, you’re the uh, you’re the Hels expert, here.”

Impulse folds his arms. “That’s a dirty condition you kinda tacked on the end, there,” he mutters, “but I’ll accept it.”

“Alright then.” Tango gives a tired sigh, but the corners of his mouth are curling into a smile. “I- I guess we’re doin’ this. We’ve got some room in the basement at the ranch, we can build it there.”

“Excellent.” Grian grins. “Let’s build a portal to Hels, fellas.”

~*~

Jimmy’s startled awake by a shout.

Heart pounding, he squints into the dark room. As his eyes struggle to adjust in the scarce light, he can just barely make out Tango sitting upright in bed. His rapid, shallow breaths wheeze through clenched teeth, faint sparks emitting from his dim blaze rods as they try to ignite.

“Tango,” Jimmy whispers, sitting up, “you okay?”

Tango’s breathing hitches. Then he turns to collapse against Jimmy’s chest, clinging fiercely to his shirt. His entire body is trembling. “Nightmare,” he manages to get out.

Jimmy’s heart twists. He knew it was only a matter of time, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see. Gently, he wraps his arms around Tango, then his wings for good measure. “I got ya,” he murmurs. “I’m here.”

Tango tucks his face against Jimmy’s shoulder and falls silent. Maybe he’ll want to talk about it in the morning, maybe he won’t. But for now, Jimmy just holds him, and hopes that’s enough.

~*~

Jimmy stares at the redstone circuitry laid out before him. “I understand none of this.”

Though it’s only been a few days since they started work on the portal, they’ve already made a lot of progress. Impulse and Etho have been over basically around the clock, with Bdubs and Joel tagging along more often than not. They’ll watch the redstoners work until they get bored, and inevitably wander upstairs to bug Jimmy. Grian checks in on them every now and then, and the other Double Lifers have popped by for little visits, so it’s been a lot of activity at the ranch. Lots of people coming and going.

It’s strange, but not necessarily in a bad way. Almost like an actual pleasant community feeling. Neighbors helping neighbors and all that.

A dedicated digging session has left them with a bit more space in the basement, allowing them to section off a separate room from Tango’s sugar cane farm. They finished it with a stone floor and simple wooden walls at Bdubs’s insistence (he considered it unacceptable to just leave it all as freshly-dug dirt). An obsidian portal frame (complete with corners at Etho’s insistence) stands empty against the back wall, leaving abundant floor space for the redstone- of which there is plenty.

Redstone dust wires criss-cross through rows of repeaters and hopper lines. It’s all far beyond Jimmy’s capacity to understand, of course, but even Tango seems a bit baffled. He’s claimed many times that his understanding of redstone is surface-level at best, and that his real skill comes in applying the various components and systems in creative ways. But he’s at least been able to help with the construction, the actual placing of redstone components.

“Right,” Tango laughs, running a hand through his hair. “Let’s- lemme see if I’ve got this right…” He points at a long line of redstone dust. “Main circuit to the portal.”

Impulse nods. “Yep.”

Tango steps gingerly around the redstone, gesturing towards a rather complex looking amalgamation of observers and comparators. “This nonsense over here will turn my skadoodle bits into a fireable signal.”

Etho, leaned against the wall with his hands in his pockets, chuckles. “Pretty much.”

“And this,” Tango waves at the hoppers, “will count out the final coords before they hop on the main bus line to the portal.”

Jimmy nods hesitantly. “Okay… okay, cool, so- so is it done, then?”

“Not quite,” Impulse says. “We need a player detector.”

Tango creases his brows together. “What, like a- like a pufferfish? A skulk sensor?”

“No, more like a- a whole separate system,” Etho explains. “It’s more than just registering your presence. We need something that can read your data, pick out your coordinates, and send them to the portal for translation to Bravo.”

Tango exhales slowly. “That… sounds pretty complicated.”

“Oh, it will be,” Impulse says, folding his arms. “I mean, just think about how much data each player contains, right, all the codes that dictate our behavior and biology… we don’t wanna overload this thing, so it’ll require some heavy-duty filtering.”

“Not only that,” Etho continues, “but uh, if that firewall thing turns out to be a problem, we’re gonna have to figure out a way to stabilize the portal, too. That’ll take some tinkering with different power sources til we find the exact right input to override the firewall’s checker.”

Jimmy winces; he’d been hoping for a quicker solution. It’s already been over a week since the invasion, and he knows Tango hates being stalled. The sooner they get this problem taken care of, the sooner they can stop worrying and get back to their normal lives. Jimmy himself doesn’t have anywhere else to be, but the other Double Lifers do. And even if they don’t mind the unexpected stay-cation, it definitely bothers Tango that their lives have been disrupted for his sake. Goodness knows he’s already got enough of a guilt complex.

But Tango simply gives a bemused smile. “Well, let’s get started, then.”

~*~

“Are we really sure we wanna do this?”

Jimmy winces at Tango’s tone. “I know, I know,” he says regretfully, “it wasn’t my favorite idea either. But if it can get that collar off’a you, we gotta try, right?”

Trying to remove the collar manually had resulted in a sharp, shooting pain through Tango’s neck at the slightest movement. Trying to remove it with redstone had proven unsuccessful- clearly, it was designed to be insulated against any outside signals. Trying to pick the lock had resulted in nothing but a lot of frustration. So that left them with their last resort.

They’ve moved outside, round the back of the ranch, to avoid getting blood stains all over their newly refurbished house. A random bed has been placed down to provide them with a quick and easy respawn, their items temporarily stowed in a chest. Impulse holds a Sharpness V sword, tail flicking as he watches them apprehensively.

“I’m only gonna do this if you’re okay with it,” he tells Tango seriously. “We can go back to the drawing board, come up with some other things to try…”

“No, no,” Tango shakes his head, “I don’t- you shouldn’t be wasting time on this, you’re already working pretty much nonstop on the portal.”

The frustration in his voice is evident. Impulse frowns. “I don’t mind…”

“Well, I do!” Tango says, crossing his arms and glancing away.

Jimmy exchanges a look with Impulse before putting a gentle hand on Tango’s shoulder. “I know there’s a chance it won’t work,” he starts quietly, “and we’ll have killed ourselves for nothin’. No one likes gettin’ their head cut off. But it’ll be over quick, we’ll respawn straight back here, and then at least we’ll know we tried everything.”

Tango makes a noncommittal noise. “Hey, I- I’m not afraid of a little decapitation, alright, I just… I feel kinda bad putting you through this, you know?” Guilt creeps into his expression. “It’s not your neck that the stupid thing is stuck on. You shouldn’t have to-”

“We’re in this together,” Jimmy tells him steadily. “So if you’re willin’ to try it, I’m happy to die along with ya.”

Tango manages a faint laugh. “Jeeze, honey, you- you don’t have to make it sound so dramatic. We aren’t on a three-life system anymore.”

Jimmy shrugs. “Well, that’s how I feel! Honestly, if there’s even a chance this’ll get that thing off’a you, I’m down.”

“Alright.” Tango takes a quick, steadying breath. “Okay, I wanna try.” He glances at Impulse. “Uh- commence the chop-ificating, then, I guess.”

Impulse nods; he’s keeping his expression and general demeanor calm, reassuring. “Okay, then. So here’s what I’m gonna do…” He carefully sets the edge of his blade along the rim of Tango’s collar, so that the metal is just barely touching skin, and then pinches the collar between the fingers of his other hand. “I’ll give it one quick, clean slice, and try to pull the collar off your body, okay?”

Tango tilts his chin up. “Okay,” he whispers. He’s nervous, now; every muscle in his body is rigid.

Jimmy reaches for his hand. “I’ll be right there with ya.”

Impulse tightens his grip on the sword. “Tango, gimme a countdown whenever you’re ready.”

“Alright.” Tango exhales shakily, closing his eyes. “Five... four... three... two...”

Jimmy closes his eyes and squeezes Tango’s hand.

“One.”

Pain slices across Jimmy’s neck- an intense, searing burn, like he’s swallowed a bucket of lava. There’s a rush of vertigo, the world spinning off-kilter around him. He’s instantly thrust into darkness, that all-consuming void with which he’s rather familiar.

And then it’s over. He’s back, sitting on the bed with Tango in a piled heap of limbs.

Jimmy sucks in a breath. Now that everything’s stopped spinning, he can see that the collar is still around Tango’s neck.

“Oh, babe,” he murmurs, sweeping Tango into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

Tango’s laugh is muffled against his shoulder. “Worth a shot, right?”

Impulse, standing a few feet away and holding a bloody sword, looks dismayed. “No good,” he says as he walks over, putting the sword away. “Your body respawned before I could pull the collar off. But uh, that’s… not the only issue.”

That makes Tango look over. “What is it?”

“I caught a look at the inner face of it,” Impulse says, frowning, “the part that’s actually touching your skin? And, um… it looks like there’s a bunch of little… spikes on the inside of the collar?”

“Spikes?” Jimmy repeats, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, I don’t know how else to describe them?” Impulse rubs the back of his neck. “Um, they’re black in color, not super big... probably thinner than my pinky finger but not like, needles or anything…”

“Oh.” Tango blinks. “It’s the thorns. They’re wither rose thorns. That’s how it works.”

Jimmy’s heart jolts. “What?”

Tango spreads his hands. “When Atlas locked the collar, it must’ve caused a- a bunch of thorns to pop out and dig into my neck. But they aren’t- they don’t have the full strength of wither rose, so that’s why I’m not getting the full wither effect, and after a while, you know, they sorta- they numb the area, so I don’t feel them. But when we start yanking on the collar, it forces them deeper into my skin, so it hurts.”

“Oh... my gosh,” Jimmy breathes, aghast. “That’s- that’s horrible!”

The whole concept of the collar is already inhumane- to treat a fellow sentient player like a simple animal. But this? This is just plain evil.

Impulse seems to be trying very hard not to get upset again. “Well, then,” he says, voice tight. “That rules out my next suggestion, which was to just go at it with a few sharp axes. I don’t wanna like, hammer those thorns deeper into your neck...” His expression turns thoughtful. “What if we try and get something sharp between your neck and the collar, slice off the thorns all the way around? Then we could-”

“No,” Tango interrupts. “Look, I- I appreciate the help, but if we tweak this thing the wrong way, it could probably jab an artery, or puncture my trachea, and then I’d respawn and be right back at square one again! No, I- I think we’re done.”

Impulse looks like he wants to argue, but Jimmy catches his gaze, giving him an imploring look.

“Alright,” Impulse relents. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

“Yeah,” Jimmy says, “we’ll get that collar off, I promise.”

“It’s fine.” Tango’s avoiding Jimmy’s eyes. “It... might not be the worst thing, you know, to have my fire locked down. Considering our fancy new house and all.”

Oh, they can’t have that. Jimmy puts a hand on his shoulder. “Tango,” he says seriously, “your fire is a part of you, and I’m not gonna rest til we’ve got it back.”

Tango sighs, but when he looks up, his eyes are fond. “I know.”

Impulse exhales slowly. “Do you... wanna try and get the cuffs off, then?” he offers.

“What?” Tango jolts. “Why? They aren’t hurtin’ anything.”

Impulse holds up his hands. “Hey, it’s okay, I just thought... if they’re from that terrible place, maybe you’d wanna get rid of ‘em?”

“And y’know,” Jimmy chimes in, “it’d be a lot easier for someone else to crack them off ya, couple good swings with an axe, maybe…”

“That won’t work,” Tango says stiffly. “They’ve been on me for so long now, been through so many respawns that if I’m not the one to remove them, it- they’ll just keep coming back.”

Impulse inhales through his teeth, understanding dawning in his eyes. “Oh, man.”

“Are you sure?” Jimmy asks, his heart sinking. He isn’t overly familiar with the universal rules that determine what does and doesn’t respawn along with a player, but Tango seems pretty certain.

“Yeah. They’re basically part of my data now.”

“Oh.”

The unspoken question is glaringly obvious: ‘why haven’t you removed them yet, then?’ The cuffs seem just as well-made as the collar, but surely there’s a way to cut through them. At least, he should’ve been able to find a way sometime during the last ten years- even if he wasn’t comfortable asking any of the Hermits to help him.

But Jimmy can tell Tango’s already hit his limit for today. It’s a subject he’s always avoided discussing in the past, so they’ll just have to wait until he’s ready.

(Oh, gonna make that mistake again?)

‘Shut up,’ Jimmy thinks.

~*~

“Need some help, hun?”

“Ack!” Jimmy gives a start, accidentally yanking out the feather he’d been teasing. He whirls around. “Tango!”

Tango holds his hands up. “Sorry, sorry!”

“Jeeze,” Jimmy laughs, catching his breath, “I- I thought you guys were still working on the portal!”

“Well, yeah,” Tango says, closing the door behind him, “but Etho thinks we need a redstone ore block and we didn’t have any layin’ around, so he and Impulse went mining.” He crosses over to sit on the bed, curiously studying the feathers strewn about. “Doin’ some preening?”

“Um...” Jimmy ducks his head sheepishly. “Yeah, just- just the uh, burned ones... they’re startin’ to itch.”

Tango gives him a sad smile. “Hey, it’s alright. You don’t have to hide it from me, I- I won’t get all weird mega guilt-trippy about it.”

Jimmy softens. “I just... I know you’ve been beating yourself up about it, that’s all.” He gazes at the burned feather in his hand. “It was an accident. I don’t blame you.”

“I know.” Tango runs a gentle hand over one of Jimmy’s wings. “Can… can I help?”

Jimmy smiles. “Sure.”

~*~

“Wait, are you serious?” Tango asks, eyes wide. “You think the portal’s ready to go? Right now?”

Grain nods. “Yeah, I do.”

Jimmy glances between them with raised eyebrows. They’d called Grian over for a little update on the current state of the portal project- now complete with the fancy player detector system that the redstoners have been painstakingly building over the past week. But once Etho explained that the final step was stabilization, Grian had dropped a bomb on them.

“I’ve uh… been doin’ some research,” Grian continues, “and I’m pretty sure that Hels has a firewall that’s just been sorta… inverted? It’s still a one-way barrier, it just stops players from making portals out rather than in. ‘Course, it’s still inaccessible by comm portal, but our little set-up here should circumvent that. Once we’ve gotten the portal to lock onto Bravo’s coords, there shouldn’t be anythin’ stopping it from forming.”

Etho scratches the side of his mask. “Well, if we don’t have to stabilize the portal, that’ll definitely simplify things,” he says. “We might actually have everything we need already.”

“Couldn’t hurt to fire it up,” Impulse agrees, glancing at Tango. “Just to give it a little test drive? If we do get a portal open, we can easily shut it down right after. We don’t have to actually go through it.”

Tango hesitates. “But wouldn’t Grian have to lift the lockdown?”

“Yeah, I will,” Grian amends. “But I’ve actually just finished settin’ up a firewall, so when I lift the lockdown, we’ll still be protected. We’ll be able to leave through any portal we want, but no one else can get in without bein’ on the whitelist.”

“Wait, really?” Tango looks surprised. “Why- did you let the others know? I- I’m sure they’ll wanna get back to their other worlds.”

“Ey, I only just finished it!” Grian defends. “I wanted to let you lot know first, so there wouldn’t be any panic or confusion if people started randomly leavin’ through portals. I’ll inform the others, but uh, I’m pretty sure they’ll wanna just stick around til we get this done. Especially if the portal’s ready to go. All that’ll be left to do is come up with our plan of attack, and we’ll need all hands on deck for the actual mission.”

“Yeah,” Impulse says easily, “Hermitcraft can wait.”

Tango chews his lip. “I… I guess we can try it,” he relents.

“Great!” Grian pulls his communicator out. “Gimme a second to lift the lockdown, okay…”

Jimmy turns to Tango, taking him by the hands. “Hey, is this alright?” he asks softly. “We don’t have to try it today if you don’t wanna.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright,” Tango assures him, squeezing his hands. “It’s just- it’s a bit sooner than I was expecting, you know? But this is good. I mean, if this works, then this whole business will finally be over.”

Jimmy’s eyes trace the collar around Tango’s neck. “Yeah. And not a moment too soon.”

Obviously they’ve still got a pretty significant task ahead of them. It’ll be no easy feat to storm Hels Tek, not if they’ve got as much muscle backing them up as they did for the invasion. Atlas is one slippery fella, and it might be hard to get Bravo to listen to them long enough to cooperate. But getting the portal in working order is another hurdle down, so they can shift gears towards the impending mission. And once that’s done, there’ll no longer be a threat hanging over them.

Suffice to say, Jimmy’s looking forward to getting back to his domestic bliss.

“Okay,” Grian says, glancing up, “lockdown is officially lifted. Go ahead.”

“Alright, Tango.” Etho pushes away from the wall. “Uh, just hop onto the redstone ore block whenever you’re ready, I guess? Everything should be in place.”

Tango exhales shakily, looking nervous, but he manages to give Jimmy a smile. “Here goes nothin’...”

Turning away, he steps onto the redstone ore block, which immediately lights up. It starts a sort of ripple effect along the dust that connects it to the rest of the redstone, triggering all kinds of ticking and flashing. It’s all Jimmy can do to follow the signal as it travels towards the portal frame-

Static fills the air, and the portal ignites. Swirling red light fills the frame.

“Oh, nice,” Grian breathes.

“Yes!” Impulse cheers. “We did it!”

“Okay, uh, Tango?” Etho nods at him. “Go ahead and step off the block, now.”

Tango doesn’t respond. He’s staring at the portal with an unreadable expression clouding his gaze, almost as if in a trance.

Jimmy quickly hurries to his side. “Tango,” he murmurs, gently shaking his arm, “come on.”

“Huh?” Tango jolts. “Oh, oh right, sorry!”

He steps aside, and the portal remains lit. Impulse grins. “Alright, looks like we’re good,” he says, stooping over to hit a button next to the portal. A piston extends across the redstone line, and the portal extinguishes.

Jimmy lets out a breath of relief. An irrational part of him had been worried that Hels players would immediately start pouring through. “You okay?” he asks Tango quietly.

Tango nods. “Yeah, sorry,” he says with an apologetic smile. “I’m fine, it just… kinda hit me all at once.”

“Yeah,” Impulse says, “I definitely wasn’t expecting to have a working portal today, either. But hey, good job guys!”

“Yeah, nicely done, fellas,” Grian says, sounding pleased. He starts typing on his communicator. “I’m gonna let the others know we’ve got the portal workin’, and tomorrow… we’ll all meet to start planning our invasion of Hels. I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can come up with a solid plan to get Bravo, get that key from Atlas, and get out.”

Tango snorts. “Oh, sure. Easy peasy.”

“Don’t worry,” Jimmy says, putting a hand on Tango’s shoulder. “We won’t go through til we’re all good and ready, yeah?”

Tango’s expression softens. “Yeah.”

“Right.” Grian puts his communicator away. “Get some rest, everyone, and we’ll see you tomorrow. Details in chat.”

~*~

<Grian> portal done. meet @ impulse and bdubs tomorrow at noon for hels invasion plotting. all ideas welcome

<PearlescentMoon> Ooh :0

<InTheLittleWood> wait seriously? already??

<Renthedog> YO amazing job on the portal guys! :D

<BdoubleO100> oh THANKS A LOT for volunteering us to host GRIAN!!

<Grian> :P

~*~

Later that night, in the dark quiet of their room, Tango rolls over to nestle his head beneath Jimmy’s chin, claws bunching up the fabric of his shirt.

“Thanks,” he murmurs.

Jimmy hums. “For what?”

“For… not givin’ up on me.”

“What’d’you mean?”

“I mean… you know, I- after everything I did, and- and everything I said…”

“I already told you, that doesn’t matter to me.”

“Yeah, I know. But when I realized the secret was out… that things were- that we couldn’t just go back to normal… I mean, I was convinced it was over. Everything, my- my new life, my freedom, my friends. Us. But you never gave up hope.”

“Of course. It’s been a long road here, alright, I- I’m not givin’ that up without a fight.”

Tango tilts his chin up to look at Jimmy, red eyes glowing in the dark, and leans in to meet his lips. They kiss slow and sweet. Warmth hums in Jimmy’s chest.

This hasn’t been an easy journey, and he knows there’s plenty more challenges still ahead. Even if the mission to Hels goes well and they achieve all that they want to, the experiences Tango’s been through won’t magically go away. It’ll take time. Healing isn’t linear. But with everything out in the open now and the support of their friends, Jimmy’s hopeful that Tango can start to unlearn his self-hatred. Jimmy will be there every step of the way.

All too soon, Tango pulls away. “We should get some rest,” he whispers, settling against Jimmy again.

“Yeah,” Jimmy sighs ruefully, draping a wing across Tango. “Gonna need all two of my brain cells at full strength.”

Tango huffs a soft laugh. “Love you, honey.”

Jimmy closes his eyes, smiling. “Love you, too.

~*~

Jimmy wakes up to a cold bed.

That immediately sets off alarm bells in his head, because since when has Tango gotten out of bed before him? Then he opens his eyes and realizes it’s still night; a faint crescent moon hangs in the starry sky visible through their window. Their room is dark and empty. Tango is nowhere to be seen.

The alarm bells become a siren.

No, no, no, no, no.

Jimmy springs out of bed, sparing a second only to grab his shoes off the floor before throwing the door open. His heart is in his throat as he flies down the stairs to the main level- all dark and empty- and hooks the corner to wrench open the basement door.

Already he can see the chilling red glow from the portal cast across the wall, a shadow of bleeding light, and a million curses scream through his mind. His stomach feels like it’s knotted in on itself and his lungs are burning for air, he’s moving faster than what seems physically possible and yet not nearly fast enough as he crashes down the stairs and bursts into the portal room, mouth opening to cry out-

Just in time to watch Tango vanish into the red light.

~*~

Somewhere in Hels, a player walks through a portal.

Tango’s heartbeat pounds in his ears. He’s already started shaking- if it weren’t for the wither effect flowing from his collar, he’s certain his blaze rods would be igniting right now. It’s a bizarre mix of emotions. The scent of ash and the sight of netherrack are comforting, in a way. Familiar. But it’s also terrifying, because there’s no mistaking where he is.

(There’s a reason he doesn’t like hanging out in the nether.)

Fear threatens to swallow him. He pushes it down; he’s got a job to do.

Forcing a steadying breath through his clenched teeth, he takes in his surroundings, ears pricked cautiously. He’s definitely not at spawn- he’s at the border of a basalt delta, actually, fine gray particles fluttering through the air. Aside from the portal behind him, there’s not a structure in sight. No sounds save for the distant bubbling of lava and the distinctive slap of magma cubes.

Tango frowns, chewing his lip. The portal was supposed to take him to Bravo, so he must be around here somewhere. Why he’s not at Hels Tek, Tango isn’t sure. Maybe they’re out on an errand run? Either way, he ought to start looking around.

But first, he’s got to break the portal so no one can follow him. Everything he’d packed made it through with him, thankfully, so he equips his pickaxe and turns back to the portal-

Just in time for Jimmy to emerge, running straight into him.

The collision knocks Tango to the ground, pickaxe flying from his hand, his forehead stinging where it smacked against Jimmy’s chin. Blinking spots from his eyes, he pushes himself up on his elbows with a groan. Once his vision stops spinning, he locks eyes with Jimmy, who seems just as shocked as he is.

Both of them shout at exactly the same moment.

“What are you doing here?!”

~*~

#hels to pay au #HTP fic #my writing #hermitcraft #double life smp

376 notes · View notes

ilovebeingt4t · 7 months

Text

a (not) little rant about total drama’s portrayal of dissociative identity disorder in ROTI and AS

a few little tidbits before we get into the juice…

-i don’t have DID ! i have a dissociation disorder and i’ve done a lot of research on DID, but that obviously doesn’t mean i know as much as someone in a system would. if i make any mistakes or you want to add/correct anything, please do !

-since there isn’t an official name for the system as a whole, i’m gonna use “mike system” to refer to mike, chester, svetlana, vito, manitoba, and mal as a system

-before anyone says it, i know it’s “just a kids’ show” but it’s a kids’ show i’m insane and not normal about. so i’m very passionate about this. also kids’ shows should still be normal about mental illnesses/disabilities so idc

alright stinkers… let’s get into it

ok ! mike systems DID in ROTI isn’t GOOD representation but it isn’t like. the worst out there compared to some other media. some huge positives are the way the alters have actual triggers, and that everyone in the system IS portrayed as their own person, not just an extension or part of mike. i interpret the “gasp” the body does with switches as a stand in for dissociation (since they couldn’t really have him just sit there and stare into space bc of plot/time reasons) and it’s very easy to assume the role of everyone in the system from their personalities and triggers. the best example of this to me is vito ! vito is a “tough guy” who’s triggered to front by his shirt coming off, it’s easy to put the pieces together and assume his role is a protector who formed due to sexual abuse.

obviously, the use of the outdated term multiple personality disorder, the very quick switches, the fact the writers obviously did not actually research DID and just wanted a silly crazy character, and probably more i’m forgetting rn, are NOT issues to just ignore because of the good stuff. it’s definitely NOT good or super accurate representation by any means, but i don’t think it’s exactly super bad either. it’s iffy but has redeeming qualities to it.

another plus about mike system in ROTI, even though this isn’t really part of the portrayal of DID as a disorder, is that mike has a love interest that isn’t written as a joke. i feel like having mike in a romantic relationship is a BIG positive representation wise. it’s really important to me that even though zoey is confused and weirded out when she didn’t know what was going on, once she found out mike was part of a system she became more understanding and didn’t give up on him. being part of a system doesn’t mean you can’t have a partner, friends, etc and mike being in a wholesome healthy relationship is a nice breath of fresh air compared to other media portraying DID.

NOW. LETS ADDRESS MAL AND ALL STARS. GOOD LORD.

all stars has an issue with watering down characters and making poor plot/character choices in general, and in my opinion it’s the worst with mike system. ROTI had questionable at times but ok DID rep with mike system, which is why it’s so disappointing that AS took the “evil alter” route and whatever the hell the button thing was… bc they were SO close with having ok representation and then they threw it all away for an overdone and harmful stereotype. mike system in ROTI is a MASTERPIECE compared to whatever the hell was going on in AS.

even when you take into account that in a real life system, mal is most similar to the role of a persecutor (an alter who sabotages the body’s relationships and causes harm to the body/other alters as a way to “protect” everyone in their eyes (oops ! i was wrong. a persecutor isn’t always a protector, however they can take the role of a persecutor and protector which is where i got confused. mal is a both a persecutor and protector to me)) which makes SOME of his actions explainable TO AN EXTENT, it’s clear the writers didn’t have that intent and just wanted a spooky evil alter, which is really disappointing. along with the button issue, which is just…. so insane….

i choose to believe for my own sanity that the button was sort of an emergency temporary dormancy button and that chester fr just lied/didn’t know and made something up. but that obviously isn’t canon, and IN CANON the body’s trauma and serious disorder was literally gone because of the PRESS OF A BUTTON and it is absolutely ridiculous. and it’s portrayed as a GOOD THING.

systems are systems because it is the only way the body and brain can maintain stability and live after serious repeated trauma. in a real situation with a system, if there was somehow a way to get rid of alters in literal seconds, the consequences would be ABSOLUTELY DISASTROUS and unstable. obviously, integration and dormancy CAN be a good thing depending on the system, but it is a LOOONG and complicated process and watering it down to the press of a button in your brain is so inappropriate and insensitive. literally why did they do that. it’s just so disappointing to go from what mike system was in roti to what they became in all stars.

sorry u guys i am just passionate about this

#total drama #total drama revenge of the island #total drama all stars #td mike #td mike system #td mal #tdroti #tdas #chester svetlana vito manitoba #are mentioned briefly #sorry for being insane about this #dissociative identity disorder #keeb goes mad about total drama

68 notes · View notes

actuallysaiyan · 2 years

Text

Kinktober Day 16: Royalty(Planet Queen)

warnings/kinks: royalty kink, Vegeta in heat, Planet Vegeta AU, slight degradation, fellatio, female masturbation, mentions of virginity. pairings: Prince!Vegeta x Fem!Saiyan!Reader word count: 1.4k tag list: @beneathstarryskies, @ricflairdrip20, @witchofcustom, @loki-love, @xailem. @the-eternal-sunflower

You never really believed yourself to be anyone special. You fought as hard as you could just like the other Saiyans. You did your best to stay in line and try not to stand out too much. But someone took a liking to you, and now this is how you end up being the prince’s sparring partner. It’s something that you never believed would happen.

At first, he was as arrogant as ever. You treated him with so much kindness and remembered to be on your best behavior. He would tease you to no end, making you feel ashamed of yourself. You knew he could be spoiled, but you never imagined it to be so bad. You just swallowed your pride and sparred with the prince. You knew that if he got bored of you, he’d never want to spar with you again.

One day, he doesn’t show up to train. You aren’t sure what to expect. Vegeta always trains, every single day. He makes sure to let you know too. He won’t miss a chance to brag or to gloat. But today, he isn’t here. Nor is he there tomorrow. And the next day, he is also absent. You begin to get a little more worried than you’d like to admit.

So you inquire about him, but nobody wants to say anything to you. Everyone is afraid to invoke the wrath of the prince, and you understand that better than most. But you want to make sure he isn’t truly hurt…or worse. You make your way to the palace one day, with the intent on taking care of him if he is ill or he is injured.

It’s one of the handmaidens that lets you into his room. He’s on the bed, a layer of sweat coating his body. He looks so rough, and you can tell he is angry that you’re here. You make your way over to the bed and you kneel before it. The handmaiden leaves you both alone, and you begin begging for forgiveness.

“Please, my prince,” you say as you take his hand in yours. “I only wanted to see if you were alright.”

He scoffs at your actions but his cock twitches in his pants, “You’re the one who got me into this situation in the first place.”

You gasp, “What do you mean, my prince?”

This makes him groan. You’re worried he may be too weak to even have company right now. But something feels different. He’s looking at you with hunger in his eyes. His tail comes over and you shudder as it strokes you softly. Then it intertwines with yours. You hear him purring softly, and this other hungry sound rumbles from him.

“Can’t you tell?” He asks, and he pulls you onto the bed with him. “You’ve caused me to go into heat.”

Your cheeks redden, “N-no. That’s impossible, my prince.”

He grunts, “Love it when you call me that,”

Your cheeks are so red now. You’re embarrassed by all of this. How could you, a nobody, cause the prince to go into heat? You wonder how you could help remedy this situation. If you really are the cause of all of this, you know you need to rectify this problem. It makes you worry a little, considering you haven’t done a whole lot with anyone else. You’re still pure.

“What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to help your prince?”

You swallow hard, “Of course. I-I…just, uh don’t know what to do.”

“You’re still pure?” Vegeta spits out, his tone smug. You feel yourself wanting the bed to just swallow you up so you can disappear from the situation altogether.

You blink a few times, wondering if this is maybe all a dream. But no, it’s real. This is reality and not some dreamlike fantasy you’ve thought up to calm your feelings for the prince. You lean in closer to him, and he moans when your scent catches him off guard. You tell him how you are meant to be pure until your wedding day. He chuckles at your words, mocking how your values are outdated.

“Okay, but I’m the prince. And you caused this, so you better learn quickly.”

Your mouth gets dry, “Of course, my prince.”

He guides you to settle between his thighs. Vegeta’s mind is so clouded with lust that he can barely think of quips or insults to throw at you. Especially as he watches you settle so cutely between his thighs, and with your eyes so wide.

“Take off my pants,” he commands.

Your hands shake, but you do as he says. His cock slaps against his abdomen as it springs free from the confines of his pants. Your mouth waters as you watch it leaking, and you wonder what the clear precum might taste like.

“Don’t be shy. Take it into your hand,” his voice is a little too soothing. When you don’t react, he grabs your wrist and pulls you towards his cock. “Do as your prince commands.”

Even his size was so impressive and intimidating, and you weren’t sure what else to do now that his cock is in your hand. He places his hand on top of yours, and he begins guiding you to stroke him. Vegeta lets out a sexual moan as you begin your own clumsy pace. It feels so good to have the person who caused his heat to pleasure him. But especially that you don’t really know what you’re doing, you’re so innocent and so pliable. It turns him on.

“You’re a good girl,” he mumbles through breathy moans.

To say you’re aroused would be an understatement. You don’t know if you’ve ever wanted anything more in your life. You were so lucky to have the prince as a sparring partner, but to have him as your lover, it would be something you never could have conceived in your mind ever. You’re so excited, but you want to do your best for him. He is your prince, after all.

“Why don’t you put it in your mouth? Suck on it, hm?” His tone is no longer teasing, but instead he sounds like he is pleading a little bit.

“Oh! O-okay!”

He loves your eagerness. He was going to gloat and brag and be a tease this whole time, but he is way too horny to think about making you feel bad about learning how to fuck. He’ll be the only Saiyan allowed to touch you. You’ll become his wife, and then you’ll rule over the planet together.

You lean in, kissing and licking the slit of the tip of his cock. Vegeta hisses, and you back up at the sound. You’re afraid you might have hurt him. But one glance into his lust filled eyes, and you know you’re doing the right thing. Your lips wrap around the head of his cock before you feel his hands pushing down on your head. It’s not long before you are taking the rest of him into your mouth.

Once the tip of his cock hits the back of your throat, you choke and sputter. You weren’t ready to take on something so thick into your mouth. But with some gentle coaxing from your prince, you find a rhythm that is suitable for you. You breathe through your nose and bob your head, and Vegeta is just enjoying watching you get more comfortable with your own sexuality.

“That’s it,” Vegeta grunts, “Pleasure your prince.”

You need to rub your thighs together for a little relief from all this sexual tension. You’re so aroused, you let your hand reach down between your thighs and you tease yourself through your spandex suit. Vegeta growls as he watches you slowly become his cockhungry slut. This is the greatest thing he could imagine happening to him. And the more you continue to suck on his cock and finger your little pussy, the closer he gets to the edge.

“Such a good little mouth. Bet your little pussy feels good too,”

You can only moan in response, which causes his cock to twitch in your mouth. Then you continue to suck him off, and you are sloppy about it too. All of this proves to be too much for Vegeta, who falls over the edge. He pulls you off his cock and strokes himself to completion. Ropes of hot cum hit your face and mouth, and soon you are covered in his seed. It’s a sight quite to behold.

“Good girl,” Vegeta says after he has caught his breath. “Now, let me breed you.”

#bacon.writes #kinktober 2022 #kinktober day 16 #vegeta #vegeta x you #vegeta x reader #vegeta x y/n #vegeta x fem!reader #prince vegeta #prince vegeta x you #prince vegeta x y/n #prince vegeta x reader #dragon ball #dragon ball z #dragon ball super #vegeta smut #dragon ball smut #prince vegeta smut

430 notes · View notes

evangelineshifts · 1 month

Note

🪷:

Hi , I too am a shifter who is yet to shift successfully. You seem to be the right person to ask this because you have shifted.

You absolutely do not have to answer this if you think so and my intention of asking this is to clear my doubts and absolutely not to be mean or anything else

Today I was going through yt videos for motivation and I came across a 'reacting to this trend' type of video where the 'trend' in discussion was reality shifting ofcourse. It was harsh and the reactor was calling shifters ' teenagers who just found about imagination ' . The comments were all in favour of the video and any 'shifter' comment was replied by saying ' schizophrenia, maladaptive daydreaming, disassociation , lucid dreaming ' . Some people even stated that it was possible for them to touch and think in their lucid dreams hence lucid dreams = reality shifting.

This whole thing made me doubt it. There was even a comment saying that anti shifters do not have to stick their nose in our community if they believe it be false so extremely and one of the replies that made me go hmmm was 'if you can't face a challenge to your belief, Is your belief actually true'.

You are a shifter and i assume you will have a answer to this.

English is not my first language so please forgive any mistakes or stuff that did not make sense or stuff that sounded rude. I do not intend it to be.

You weren’t rude at all my love!! Seeing anti shifters can be so demotivating, I remember when I used to see a anti post and literally feel a drop in my stomach it was so bad 😭😭

I want to start off by saying it’s okay to have doubts! You can still shift with them!!

Shifting isn’t simply just touching and thinking it’s reality. You can feel, think, touch, smell, hear EVERYTHING. it’s real.

In my opinion if you can believe that astral projection, lucid dreaming, manifestation, etc is real then shifting really shouldn’t be such a stretch and all the former mentioned practices are widely accepted around the world. There was a time when people thought that lucid dreaming wasn’t real, they didn’t think that it was possible to be both awake and asleep at the same time. Man made logic. It’s exactly that man made. Man doesn’t know everything, we created explanations and logic as a way to help our brains process such a vast and complex world but we don’t have to be bound to such constraints all of the time.

People will judge what they cant understand, what’s seemingly bigger than them, because it scares them. These reactors and commentators got all of their information from tiktok which is FILLED with misinformation and it was probably during the peak of dracotok which is worse 😭😭. I promise it’s not mental illness, it is not imagination, it’s not lucid dreaming. I have experienced all of those and I’ve also separately experience shifting. They all feel so so different.

We underestimate the human mind and soul. We were made for so much more than this and if you believe that as well then stick to it. You’ll be more peaceful than those antis will ever know.

Hopefully this helps! I ramble a lot I’m sorry it’s just people who put others down for things that bring them joy and isn’t harming anyone really piss me off 😭😭

Love you loads 💋🍓

(Your English is wonderful by the way)

#evangelineshifts ˖⋆࿐໋₊#angel messages 🪽✨#🪷 anon #anon 🍓#reality shifting #shiftblr #shifting #desired reality #shifting realities #quantum jumping #law of assumption #manifestation #neville goddard #shifting help #shifting question

21 notes · View notes

gyumibear · 8 months

Text

✂️ three's a crowd — 00: my clematis

synopsis — being an ex-obsessive fan is hard, but you've been doing well so far. that is until your rival is revealed to be dating choi soobin, the idol you've been dreaming of for years! so, now your road to recovery is detoured because you're not going to let that slide. you're going to break them apart at all costs. doesn't she know three's a crowd?

taglist — open! send an ask or comment on the main masterlist to be added! @imsiriuslyreal

warnings — violation of hippa laws 😭, mentions of mental illness (codependency, obsession, parasocial relationships), allusions to suicidal thoughts and mentions of violence.

(wc — 1.5k)

It is our intention to include a transcript of the therapeutic sessions run by Dr. [REDACTED] with his client [REDACTED]. These transcripts are protected by doctor-client confidentiality laws (HIPPA) and should only be accessed by the verified person(s). Please call [xxx-xxx-xxxx] if you are in fear of those laws being violated.

August 24, 2019 / #Session 1

Note: C refers to client [REDACTED] while T refers to Dr. [REDACTED].

T: Hello, [REDACTED], it’s nice to see you today.

C: I’m only here because [REDACTED] wants me to be.

T: And might I ask who that is? Is he your father?

C: He’s my cousin, in a way. He’s more like a brother though.

T: Is he your legal guardian?

C: Yes, but only for a few more days. I’m about to turn 18 soon.

T: I’ll note that down. Well, thanks for coming, and I’m happy to help you. First, I want to go over a few things with you. I just want you to know that everything we talk about here is confidential.

C: Obviously. You’d get sued if you didn’t keep things between us.

T: *Dry laugh* You’re correct. Let’s start talking, what happened today that brought you here?

C: Hm.

T: Feel free to start whenever you’re comfortable, [REDACTED].

C: I pushed a girl down a flight of stairs.

T: Did she do something to anger you? Why did you push her?

C: She said that [REDACTED] is the weakest member of [REDACTED].

T: Can you enlighten me as to who that is? Is he a celebrity?

C: Yes, my favorite! He’s the leader of [REDACTED] which is a K-Pop group.

T: Ah, right. Why did her comment about him upset you so much?

C: Because he’s the love of my life? She was spewing absolute bullshit and she doesn’t even know him. Not like I do. I know how hard [REDACTED] works, how much he does for the group and the other members. She deserved to get put in her place.

T: Hold on, [REDACTED]. You said he’s the love of your life? Can you explain that?

C: He is. We’re gonna get married one day. I know it.

T: Let’s dig deeper into this, okay? Tell me more about [REDACTED].

September 28, 2019 / Session 3

C: So, I doxxed her, and I got her expelled.

T: All because she said she preferred [REDACTED] to [REDACTED]?

C: Yeah! I like [REDACTED] and all, but the best member will forever be my [REDACTED]. He’s not the leader for no reason, Dr. [REDACTED].

T: I understand how you feel, but [REDACTED], she is allowed to have her own opinion. You can understand that, correct?

C: She can. That doesn’t mean she won’t face the consequences for them.

T: Hm.

January 4, 2020 / Session #10

T: Welcome back, [REDACTED]. How was your Christmas?

C: It was pretty good, [REDACTED] bought me two [REDACTED] albums. I pulled [REDACTED] of course. It’s because he loves me. He made sure I got his PCs.

T: Hm. Have you been taking your medication regularly?

C: …

T: [REDACTED]?

C: No. I just… forgot. [REDACTED] got really mad at me over the break and I felt like he was gonna leave me and I- I just couldn’t focus on anything else.

T: Why did he get upset with you?

C: I spent the rent money on some [REDACTED] merch cause his birthday was coming up. December 5. He had to call [REDACTED] and ask him to pay this month. They both were really pissed at me, [REDACTED] was the angriest though. I felt bad, like genuinely bad about it.

T: When you say bad, do you really mean sad?

C: Yeah… I just, I don’t ever want him to be mad at me. He’s all I have… But, it’s like… When it comes to [REDACTED] I just can’t control myself. It’s like I’d [REDACTED] if he asked me to.

T: Do you want to [REDACTED]?

C: Sometimes.

March 4, 2020 / Session #14

C: Lately, I’ve just been feeling… Empty? Today’s supposed to be a happy one, cause it’s their one-year anniversary, but I just… Don’t feel anything?

T: Why do you think that is? Did something happen?

C: My classmate recently started biasing him and she actually met him. She ran into him at the convenience store or something and he… talked to her.

T: Continue.

C: At first I thought she was lying, just to piss me off, but… She pulled out her phone and she showed a whole group of us. He took a picture with her and she said he even called her pretty…

T: How did that make you feel when you heard that?

C: Pretty upset. I didn’t do anything to her though, I just walked away.

T: That’s good, [REDACTED]. I’m glad nobody got hurt.

C: Doesn’t mean I didn’t want to hurt her.

T: I understand, but we’re working on that, now aren’t we?

C: Yes. Yes, we are.

August 5, 2020 / Session #25

T: Woah, [REDACTED] you seem very upset today.

C: I’m not in the mood Doc.

T: Would you mind telling me why?

C: [REDACTED] has dating rumors. With this random bitch [REDACTED]. Literally, just because they’re working together as emcees does not mean they’re dating! He wouldn’t do that. He knows that would crush me.

T: [REDACTED], you remember [REDACTED] doesn’t know you, right?

C: That’s not true! He responded to my message on [REDACTED]. Twice. He knows me.

T: Oh dear. [REDACTED], I’m sorry. That was out of line on my part.

C: It’s fine, just don’t say that again. I’m already in a bad mood.

April 16, 2022 / Session #x

Note: C stopped seeing T for a few years due to her time in [REDACTED] after an incident in which she [REDACTED] after an altercation with her classmate. A few of her files were lost, these were the earliest we could find.

C: I’m going to [REDACTED] for University. It took a lot of hard work, but I’m gonna study fashion! [REDACTED] is paying my tuition, but I’m gonna work so I can pay him back.

T: That’s a good idea, [REDACTED]. I’m proud of you.

C: It is a little scary though…

T: What’s scary?

C: Being away from [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. Cause I have to move into a dorm, I’m not going to see them every day like usual… I’m a bit nervous. I think it’s my separation anxiety.

T: That could be it. Let’s talk more about this.

May 31, 2022 / Session #x

T: This is the last time I’m going to be seeing you regularly, [REDACTED]!

C: Yeah, it feels like it was just yesterday when I met you for the first time.

T: How are you feeling? Been keeping up with your meds?

C: Yep! I’ve been feeling pretty okay! When I start feeling bad I just remember the exercises and the practices you taught me and I work around them. I’m healed, basically.

T: You were never broken, [REDACTED]. You just needed some guidance. You are doing exceptionally well, but don’t start slacking off. We don’t want you to relapse.

C: Yeah, I got you Doc. I’m gonna be on my best behavior!

T: I believe as much. So, what music do you have to share with me this week?

C: I’ve been listening to [REDACTED]! She’s so cool, she makes me wanna learn how to play an instrument.

T: That’d be a good hobby, don’t you think?

C: Yep. Also, Doc..?

T: Yes, [REDACTED]? You look concerned?

C: I, um… I saw some photos of [REDACTED] online… I blocked all the tags that I could, but I guess they just slipped through.

T: That’s alright. these things happen. How did you feel about that?

C: I felt like screaming. I don’t know how to describe it, but it wasn’t a good feeling. So I turned my phone off and I went to go talk to [REDACTED] about it.

T: Is that fully true?

C: …

T: [REDACTED], please tell me the truth.

C: Hm… No.

T: What did you really do?

C: I binge-watched all the fancams I could find of him…

T: Is that all?

C: I also argued with some people online… But then [REDACTED] came and he distracted me.

T: *Sighs* Let’s have another session tomorrow, I want to investigate something.

C: Okay…

August 1, 2023 / Session #x

T: You’re going back to school soon. How do you feel?

C: Fine. It’s just school, you know?

T: Mhm. How’ve you been feeling?

C: Fine. I spent the weekend at [REDACTED]’s so I’m pretty out of it, haha.

T: I see. Did you keep up with your medicine?

C: Do you even need to ask? Of course. I haven’t missed a day in months.

T: I’m very proud of you. Why did you schedule this meeting though, might I ask?

C: I dunno… I just felt like I should.

T: That’s okay! I’m here for you for that very reason. So, tell me what’s on your mind?

C: There’s this girl who’s supposed to be my roommate… I don’t like her.

T: What’s her name?

C: [REDACTED]. She’s a music major.

T: What don’t you like about her?

C: She just… Seems fake? There’s something off and it makes me feel weird.

T: Hm… When was the first time you two interacted?

C: Well… Let’s see…

Note: End of recovered transcripts.

a/n — this was just a simple prologue/teaser to show what yn's mental state is like! i've never done therapy transcripts so i'm sorry if they're an inaccurate portrayal? let me know if there's something that needs to be tagged or changed.

playlist / masterlist / next

#k-labels #kflixnet #kbookshelf #kpop smau #soobin x reader #soobin smau #choi soobin x reader #txt x reader #txt smau #soobin angst #soobin fluff

43 notes · View notes

absurdthirst · 6 months

Note

Hello ❤️

Please know this is being sent in the most kindest way possible and by no means is a remark on your writing or the story you posted, because you were very clear in your warnings (re: lactation, breast feeding etc.) and I don’t believe for one moment anything was written with ill intent.

I’d just like to share a little bit of insight on this line here and how it can be triggering for some people:

“…or as long as you could, to make sure that the baby was getting the best possible start to life.”

There’s so much pressure on those who can lactate to breast feed and the agenda that breast is best and formula can have a negative impact on a baby. It can be absolutely crushing when your body can’t do what it’s supposed to do no matter how hard you try, especially when there’s a societal expectation for it in every direction from the moment your pregnancy is confirmed.

Again, I really, really want to stress that I fully believe that there was zero ill intent in your writing and honestly, I’m upset at the idea of upsetting you and I apologize profusely if this doesn’t come across in the way it was intended. Because this isn’t a request to change it, I just wanted to share some insight only if you weren’t aware ❤️

Hi. I want you to know that I did not take offense to your message and thank you for sharing it.

I understand that it can be triggering for some people. I completely understand the pressure of breast is best, and societal expectations.

The purpose of that comment was to include that societal or personal expectation into the story. Because despite wishing that there was none, it's there. It was to show that even people who are struggling with fertility, surrogacy, other methods of having a child can still have those ideals.

I, myself, have dealt with that. My son was nearly 7 weeks premature, they had to induce labor because my life and my son's life was at risk. Because of that, he spent nearly a week in the NICU and most of that with a feeding tube down his nose. Latching never occurred, I was allowed 5-10 minutes to try to breast feed and it never worked.

Some of these things are a little fix-it for myself, or working through my own issues. It is not to cause any harm or offend. All that matters in the end for anyone with a child is that their child is fed. Bottle or breast, formula or no, fed is best.

That being said, I've removed the line. 💙

#breastfeeding #lactation

20 notes · View notes

wouldyoustayvn · 1 year

Note

[sorry for sending so many asks]

What are Virgils yandere traits?

He just seems like a chill guy except for kidnapping but that's literally if its the last option.

Does he stalk the MC? Would he actually kill anybody?

I JUST NEED SOME UNHINGED VIRGIL PLEASE IM BEGGING-

OK OK SO HERE WE GO ( also its ok! I really don’t mind about many asks!)

- Even if you ever return home, you are watch. It doesn’t even matter that you two are from different dimension/world. Virgil has a way to watch over you. He stalks you through your devises, through your phone, computer, cameras, tv, HELL even he’ll watch you through someone’s device if he couldn’t reach through yours. Even if you’re in his world, you’re under constant surveillance. He is practically everywhere.

- Blackmail. He’ll blackmail anyone who he thinks will harm you. If that doesn’t work, a little hex here and there and if that doesn’t work as well, he’ll have to dirty his hands.

- He absolutely understands that your family means so much to you and make a vow to never approach them with ill intent. Family is also important to him. However, that can change if they harm you.

- Now, he absolutely worships you, from a little shrine to even feel the chills down his spine just from you looking at him. Got him all weak and heavy breathing.

- He absolutely craves your attention. Sure he gets annoy when someone approaches you, he clings on to you. Yes he tends to get jealous here and there but surprisingly, he’s quite tame when it cones to jealousy. He doesn’t mind for you to also have a partner, but the catch is, you deserve the best so his standards of an ideal partner for you is quite high. And hey, a second companion is a bonus wether its platonic or romantic

-Just like his original counterpart, his trait is more of caregiver, how we for this Virgil, he is still has this caregiver traits but is somewhat twisted (such as if you try to escape and get caught, he paralyzed your legs)

- Yes he is self aware of his actions and has this sense of guilt for cussing you harm, but this man’s greediness for a companion and his love for you takes the guilt away and continue to happily.

- He already knows everything about you. It’s in your files! Sure he hack your world’s government to gain access but like I said, he likes to watch you. He observes your habits, analyze the way you talk, your body movements.

-He is quite charismatic and it can be troubling to convince anyone to think negative of him. Plus he’s quite honest (due to him being a fae that can’t lie)

-Man use to be in a track team during his younger days in school and even through he doesn’t pursue that in his career, he kept his routine of jogging in the mornings. So running away from him is absolutely difficult.

-Even if you did manage to escape from him and goes back to world somehow, he’ll find a way to go back to your world and drags you back to his. Sadako from the Ring style.

-He’s a gamer/j

#virgil evans #would you stay game #wouldyoustay?#yandere virgil #would you stay?#wysvn #virgil #would you stay visual novel #ask yan virgil #about yandere Virgil

69 notes · View notes

madrasi · 8 months

Note

Hi I know you didn’t mean any ill intentions, but that otter “pet” is an example of exotic wildlife pets. Otters aren’t domesticated or anything so they suffer a lot when they’re taken from their natural environments and trapped in a house. There’s also a lot of illegal trade that goes on to support the demand of exotic pets, such as stealing baby animals from their home environment. They don’t thrive and often are mistreated, not fed the correct diet, and die young. I know it seems really cute and happy, and even exotic pets are legal in a lot of places, but the animals are not thriving and doing well. Sharing media of exotic pets being cute just proliferates the idea and encourages others to try and get one. They’re just as cute in their natural environment. There are other ways we can support these animals other than trapping them all alone in an unnatural environment like a house. I don’t mean to flood your inbox or police you, just want to spread some info. I hope you can understand my POV. Thank you for taking the time to read this!!!

Hi Anon. Thank you for taking the time to compose and send me this message. I respect and value your concerns, particularly since I share your love and admiration for animals of all kinds.

I acknowledge and thank that you don’t believe I’m being hateful with intention. But I wonder if reblogging an otter in my personal space is necessarily promoting any idea that exotic animals should be adopted without regard to their basic needs. It might be the simpler alternative: otters are cute. I shared this content with that intention- that too, on the only platform where I’m not posting to necessarily reach an audience, as opposed to someplace more direct, like instagram or Facebook.

I’ve been on this platform for more than ten years. In this time I have, and continue to notice, the violently racist, misogynistic, abusive, and otherwise prejudiced content that is reblogged and shared specifically to promote hateful ideals. I wonder if you take the time to call out every nazi or violently abusive porn blog that uses this platform to promote and share abuse and hate? Because there are a lot.

In that respect, your call-out is policing of a certain kind. Do you flag YouTube blogs where people openly adopt, film, or mistreat exotic animals? Did you report Tiger King when it was aflame on Netflix? Have you reached out to your government to better the laws in your country regarding the adoption and treatment of animals within your country- including for cases of hoarding of domestic pets? And, are you questioning the 33 thousand other users who reblogged this post?

I’m responding and posting this message because I want your background alongside my opinion on the matter to be displayed side-by-side. Again, I respect that you reached out about this because I share your ideals. However, I don’t believe your message fairly reflects my intentions, actions, or the audience intent if someone were to see that post on my blog.

I’d like to add that my tag of choice is “baby”, rather than “pets”- or anything else that implies collectibility, tokenism, or abuse. Because this space is for me to share in my respect and love. Please note that this post is also tagged “baby” so that anyone who may peruse this tag understands my opinions on these matters

I hope this response assuages you, and sets my intentions clearly.

#baby #mine

9 notes · View notes

give-soup-please · 2 years

Note

Hi der. I was thinking maybe autistic reader is having a super difficult time with giving eye contact when the Narrator has a form but they try hard to overcome this as best they can? Romantic?

*gives cheesey bread bowl clam chowder*

(yellin. that's my favorite kind of soup. shame the nearest decent place to get some is three hours away now.)

(I took this in a slightly different direction than you may have been expecting. I hope you don't mind.)

Autistic reader trying to improve their eye contact skills for the narrator (romantic)

The narrator is very confused. He’s taken human form at your request, but… You’re clearly uncomfortable.

You keep trying to hold his gaze, but you’re cringing while doing so. What on earth is going on?

“Reader… Are you alright? You seem- Ill at ease, which is not my intention. If I’m making you uncomfortable, I’ll-”

“No! No, don’t go. Please, don’t.” Well, how can he say no to such words?

“I won’t be leaving you behind, by any means. Would you explain what’s going on? Why are you acting so strange?”

“I want to give you eye contact. You have a nice form, and it should be admired.”

He’s charmed by the obvious ego stroke, but is also somewhat concerned. “You don’t like giving people eye contact.” He’s sure he hasn’t misremembered that.

“I know. But I want to give it to you anyway.” You say this while clearly straining to give him something you think he wants. You drop your gaze to the floor, and let out a huff of frustration. “It’s harder than I expected.”

“Dearheart, I-” He chooses his words carefully, not wishing to offend. “If this is something you seriously want to improve on, I’ll help. I don’t know how to make it easier for you, I haven’t had time to do research into the matter. That being said…” He drifts off.

“Eye contact won’t be a requirement for us to be together. If you struggle with eye contact, it won’t make me like you less. If you think it’s necessary, then maybe it is, but you don’t have to push yourself for my sake.”

He pushes himself beyond his normal range of expression, wanting to make sure you understand. “I’ll cheer you on if this is something you authentically want, but above all, I want you to be comfortable around me. I want to be someone you can trust, and relax around. The strain and stress of doing something that makes you uncomfortable, that you don’t strictly have to do…”

His brain is telling him to slam his shields back up, to make a joke, to rely on deflection or distraction. But if you’re trying to push yourself like this, maybe he can push himself to do more as well. “Your happiness is my first priority. I’d like you to take some time, and really think about this. Whatever choice you make is fine, we can work together. I’ll accept whatever you do, just-”

His human form can blush. He feels warmth spread from his face, down to his neck. That’s new. “Just… I’ll love you either way. Somehow, I feel like it’s important for you to know that.”

How you proceed from here is up to you, reader.

#the narrator x reader #the stanley parable #tsp narrator #tsp #headcanon #answered ask #stanley parable #narrator #tsp narrator x reader

124 notes · View notes

eeveearoace-creative · 1 year

Text

something about disability

I’m disabled.

I’m not saying this because I’m looking for comfort or seeking validation; I don’t want a well-intentioned comment about how I’m “not really disabled, because look at everything you can do! Look at everything you’ve accomplished! A disabled person couldn’t do that.”

A disabled person couldn’t be a model student, or a good artist, or have any of the skills, or talents, or interests that a “normal” person could, right? A disabled person could never “fly under the radar” and seem to be “normal,” right? Because disabilities are always obvious, always plain and easy to see. A person in a wheelchair, a person with a cane, a person using hearing aids - disabilities are always obvious.

And when it comes to mentally ill people, well, you can usually tell, right? A dull, vacant expression and slow responses - memory loss to the point where someone will never again be who they once were - the violent outbursts of someone who should be locked away.

As for the few mentally ill people that you can’t tell are mentally ill, I mean, they aren’t really disabled, are they? If they can function well enough in society that they could pass for a “normal” person, they aren’t really disabled. After all, being disabled means you’re completely incapable of doing things on your own, will always need assistance to do even the simplest of things, and will suffer a horrible, meaningless life.

Because nobody disabled could ever be happy or successful.

Nobody disabled could ever be okay with the fact that they’re disabled, because it’s just the way they are. Nobody disabled could ever be okay with the fact that they’re disabled, because despite what we’ve all been told, disabled lives can be filled with joy. Nobody disabled could ever be okay with the fact that they’re disabled, or not want a “cure,” because they’re happy the way that they are.

Nobody disabled could ever stand up here, in front of an entire class, and tell you all this.

Because, clearly, I’m not disabled.

Except for the little, itsy bitsy detail, that I am.

And I don’t want a “cure” for the way that I am, because despite everything the world has thrown my way, I’m happy with who - and what - I am.

That doesn’t mean I can do anything, and that certainly doesn’t mean I’ll never struggle with things. There are some things I can’t do, and that’s okay.

I’m not asking you to understand. I’m not asking you to know what it’s like when I get so overwhelmed that I physically cannot talk, or stammer so badly that I can barely get a sentence out. I’m not asking you to “get it,” because unless you’ve gone through that, you don’t know what that’s like. And that’s okay.

But what I am asking for is a little bit of patience. And a little bit of help when I need it.

I’m asking you to learn. Disabled lives and disabled people - we’re everywhere. Don’t act like we’re not disabled, because we are. No amount of positive self talk is gonna “cure” my mental illness. But don’t forget what we are, either - people. We’re all people.

Please don’t tell me I’m “not disabled” because of what I can do. My accomplishments do nothing to diminish the fact I am mentally ill, and that there are some things that I just cannot do.

But our ability - or lack thereof - doesn’t determine our worth.

As the She-Ra reboot once said, “You’re worth more than what you can give other people. You deserve love, too.”

I’m disabled. And I’m okay with that.

#writing #my writing #original work #haven't posted anything on this blog in a while #sorry yall!#hope y'all enjoy this tho :D

28 notes · View notes

nian-7 · 4 months

Note

hiiiii!! can i request a platonic and romantic matchup for hypmic please?

zodiac - sagittarius

mbti - istp

hobbies:

- drawing (especially doodling, my books and copies are filled with mini drawings)

- collecting coins

- collecting cute stationary

likes:

- music (vocaloid and video game music)

- video games (especially gacha and rhythm games)

- fanfics

- doing makeup at random times of the day and for no reason

- rambling to my friends

-helping others

dislikes:

- spiders (i have arachnophobia)

- having a routine/plan for things

- people who force me to open up to them/tell them my secrets

- most foods, i’m quite picky

personality:

if i had to describe myself, i’d say that i’m quite unique. i’m like the basic introvert, quiet and reserved and try to make a good impression with new people, but with old ones or my friends, i’m crazy and unpredictable. my friends describe me as someone funny who always livens things up (but they also jokingly call me mentally ill at times when i’m acting goofier than usual). i haven’t actually met many people similar to me, and not everyone gets along with my humor so i don’t have many friends. i don’t like sticking to the rules most of the time, especially when they restrict my freedom. i ramble to my friends a lot and i’m similar to the therapist friend, as even when my friends text me even one line of them not doing okay i do whatever i can to make them feel better. i’m also quite expressive, if you stared at me for 5 minutes you would be able to tell exactly what i’m doing and how i’m feeling about it.

i think i wrote a lot sorry 💀

dw! i think it's a pretty normal amount but the more info the better! enjoy!

I match you with... (platonically)

Kuko Harai!

-Mr. Rule Breaker 1 here. Decided to match you with him platonically just because he'd fit better as your friend rather than partner. He'd have a lot of fun with you to put it simply.

-The fact that you don't like rules that'll restrict your freedom means he can drag you along with him when he decides to break those rules.

-Both of you are quite expressive in your own ways and that's partly what makes the friendship strong. The fact that you guys are able to know how the other is feeling usually pretty easily.

-Truly, Kuko doesn't care how you act and doesn't try to pry on things you don't want to talk about. He just simply accepts you as his friend and lets you come to him if you need him for something.

-He'd like your collections too, always pointing at a few of the newer ones to ask where you got them or what it's supposed to be.

-Even though he can be a bit rough around the edges, he's honest and has good intentions behind his words. It'd be a chaotic friendship that's for sure.

I match you with... (romantically)

Samatoki Aohitsugi!

-Mr. Rule Breaker 2 here. Reason he's romantic though is because he'd pry but learns to be considerate enough to know when to back off. He pries because he cares and wants to make sure you're okay.

-He likes that you're expressive because even he can have a hard time reading faces or emotions so being able to know how you feel is a good plus for him. Samatoki wants to know that you're comfortable with him rather than scared out of your mind that he'll do something when he really won't.

-He kinda just lets you do your thing when you're chaotic and doesn't really go along with it too much but sometimes he also wants to have fun and I think you'd be able to bring out that side of him.

-Probably would just give you a disappointed look when you make a dumb joke but he can't help but try to cover up his laugh when you do because well, somehow you make the jokes he doesn't understand a little bit funny.

#x reader #fluff #gender neutral reader #nian-anon #samatoki aohitsugi x reader #samatoki x reader #samatoki aohitsugi #kuko x reader #kuko harai x reader #kuko harai #hypmic #hypmic x reader #hypnosis mic

4 notes · View notes

violynt-skies · 1 year

Note

how do u feel abt splinters design being a racist caricature? it took me awhile to notice but having watched the show and reading some explanations it's really prominent

I actually talked a little bit about this on my twitter yesterday so it’s fresh on my mind!

I will preface this by saying that while I am half asian, I am not japanese and am not fully educated on the subject, there’s probably a plethora of people who could explain this better than me but I’ll do it the best I can^

Yes, I do believe that splinters character design does have some racist undertones, as his character is a japanese man depicted as a rat which was often used as a humiliating kind of caricature propaganda during World War 2

The main issues I’ve seen people mention about his design is how they tend to accentuate characteristics like slitted eyes or buck teeth, as well as how his mid mutation design which is very- iffy, and can be seen as harmful.

Whereas compared to iterations like 2012 Splinter, he’s portrayed as very elegant and regal, compared to rise splinters short stubby appearance.

As I say this, I want to be clear that I don’t believe the rise crew had any ill intentions, and were most likely just focused on making their splinter different from other versions just like they did to the rest of their characters, and there could’ve been a chance the originally creators of tmnt didn’t even think about the implications of making splinter a rat and instead had. a thought process of, what’s in NYC sewers, oh rats that works.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that it still very much lines up with that propaganda whether intentional or not and these issues should still be acknowledged and not ignored yknow?

Now this isn’t really meant to discourage people from drawing fanart of him, I for one don’t want to deal with that discourse, especially since it is just a plainly unrealistic ask and he’s a very beloved character with a fantastic arc who many people connect with and enjoy and no one talking about this issue is trying to take that away from them.

This is merely to point out that our community should just at the very least, be aware of these underlying issues and go forth understanding them

Anyways I hope that cleared everything up, again i’m not professionally educated on this topic by any means and if i misspoke about any particular thing feel free to comment about it, but i begging please do not start any fights and do not start sending mass hate to the rise community, there is no need to become one of those fandoms and there are many ways to talk about the issue in a civil manner thank you <3

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rise of tmnt #splinter #rise splinter #rottmnt splinter #save rottmnt #ask me #tmnt #tmnt 2018

17 notes · View notes

aajjks · 7 months

Note

TC!JK

y/n rolled her eyes. against the law my ass she said in her head before turning her attention to their kids. “yes, our babies have grown up so muchhh” whines y/n as she pulls the oldest of the four, jinseol, into a tight hug and kisses all over his face. “mooom” he whines before y/n does the same for all of her children. “it does feel like forever. you guys just keep getting bigger and bigger and i hate it!! where are my itty, bitty, babies?” whines y/n and jesus, do they all look like their father. each one of them having those big doe eyes.

once they leave and y/n has filled jungkook in, y/n responds “i don’t know i just got a bad feeling about her and i don’t want that bitch around our kids. i mean she’s stupid enough to size me up like i won’t knock her ass out, so yeah. she probably is.”

“you mean to tell me you guys didn’t try the food before tasting it?! I SWEAR TO GOD IF OUR CHILDREN GET POISONED, I’LL K!LL YOU ALL MYSELF!!” yells y/n at the servants who brought a piece of the food and ate it in front of both jungkook and y/n. when they didn’t choke, or cough, y/n let out a sigh of relief. “w-we are sorry, your highness” apologized the cooks. “please be more cautious!” says y/n in a more calm tone before heading to the dining room with the waiting georgina.

the moment y/n walks into the room, the tension is once again thick as both women glare at one another. “hi, princess georgina. nice to see you again”

i read tpol chapter and aaaahhh i was so excited when it posted!! 🩷

“did you just roll your eyes at me baby you’ve got to respect me?” The king laughs as you pepper your oldest son in kisses and your daughters watch in envy, but they don’t have to for long as you grab them too and shower them in your affection.

The king holds the youngest one in his arms cooing at him, “one day, you will be succeeding me..” he whispers to himself as he looks at jinseoul. “I agree with your mother. You guys have grown up so fast… it was like yesterday when I married your mother.. oh, I can never forget that. The most happiest moment in my life.”

Jungkook looks at you, his eyes, so soft. “make sure that the food is good to eat- oh wow baby you did learn from the best didn’t you?” His eyes widen as you threaten to kill everyone.

“wow that was so hot of you- YOU HEARD THE QUEEN.”

Turns out that the food is good to eat, and as you both send your children away, the king takes your hand in his guides you to the dining room.

There sits the princess whose eyes are filled with envy, as she was just the king and the queen enter.

She does not understand what is so special about you, and why did the king hurry to marry? Maybe she was too late.

But it is now or never.

“my queen and king.” She greets, resisting the urge to bite the inside of her cheek. She acknowledgs you first, almost roll in annoyance as she looks at you

As your husband sits down on the large chair, you follow and the princess too.

“I hope you will enjoy our traditional food.”

Her attention is once again taken by your husband, as she gives him a little too bright smile, her green eyes filled with a mischievous glint.

“oh, I’m sure I will… I’ve heard a lot about the Korean food and culture seems so rich and unique.. if you don’t mind making king, I would love to discuss with you or negotiations and that garden I saw on my way to the palace? The one filled with the snowdrops? it is a really beautiful garden. Are you interested in gardening? I mean it is a very nice hobby…”

She doesn’t stop talking, but her eyes steal glances at you. It was like she was mocking you but your husband fails to notice her ill intentions.

your husband doesn’t really give her any attention and just nods his head, “I am really curious about the negotiations. Your country has to offer us.”

“well, certainly your majesty.”

And Just then the food arrives, cutting the thick tension in the air.

#ask: tc!jungkook

6 notes · View notes

bartokthealbinobat · 1 year

Text

No Touchy-Touchy

Ch. 5 of Brandy and the End of the World

word count: 4,589

tw:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I crane my head back, shocked when I meet the blue-green eyes of another person. It’s a guy, and I instantly shoot to my feet, the sudden adrenaline rush blocking out my pain for now. He continues trying to talk to me, concern written all over his face, but the rush of blood in my ears blocks out whatever he’s trying to say, and I wouldn’t have been comforted anyways. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this lifetime, it’s to never trust men. I back away from him quickly, putting some space in between us, and, trying not to make it obvious, pull out my pocket knife and flick it open. I keep its solid weight tucked behind my back as I try to put more distance between me and this strange man that just appeared above me.

It’s all because of those girl scout cookies. If I hadn’t eaten those dang cookies then I wouldn’t have ever gotten a stomach ache or had to stop because of the pain and nausea. If I hadn’t eaten those cookies, then I wouldn’t be fearing for my life right now. I throw a quick wish up vaguely towards the sky, grimacing as I start to feel the stomach cramps again. Please don’t let me die here, I think to myself, please don’t let him hurt me.

The man is taller than I am, and scrawny looking to the casual observer. Looks can be deceiving though, and I am pretty sure if this guy wanted to overpower me he could. I have to stop a shiver from running through me at the thought, and my blood that was warmed by the sun a moment ago goes cold at the thought. I really hope he isn’t in a violent mood today. The guy looks confused at my reaction to him, almost hurt by it. I don’t care, if he knows anything then he should know not to get close to a woman in the apocalypse.

He takes a step towards me, hand still reaching out, mouth moving to form words, and I whip my knife out in front of me, blocking him off and daring him to come closer.

“Don’t you dare take another step.” I had meant for it to be loud, a warning like the rattler on a snake’s tail, but it comes out way lower, deep and threatening, laced with intention. The ominous threat now hangs in the air between us, and I’m just glad my voice didn’t shake with fear.

The man looks genuinely confused, and it’s starting to annoy me. How does he not understand, how does he not know that he’s a threat to me? Well, he’s a man, so I guess it makes sense that he wouldn’t think about it. I throw a glance to the side, trying to see if there’s any way for me to get out of here without him following, and the dumbass starts trying to talk to me again. This time I can hear what he’s saying because the roaring in my ears has calmed to a slight rush..

“Hey, I’m just trying to check and see if you’re okay, looked like you were in pretty rough shape there.”

I glare at him, not bothering to justify his words with an answer. It’s no excuse to get close to me with no warning. He touched my arm, I hate it when strangers touch me.

“I really didn’t mean any harm, any chance we can get out of this without you cutting me? I promise I won’t do anything to you.” He gives me a disgusting approximation of puppy dog eyes, charm oozing out of his slight smirk. It’s official, not only is this guy annoying, he’s an absolute douchebag too. I stare at him harder, my frown deepening enough to make his smile falter.

“Fine.” I say curtly, “I’ll put the knife down, but if you get any closer than you are now, if you take one more step towards me,” I pause, really wanting the threat to sink home, “I’ll cut your tongue out of your stupid, ugly face, cut it into ribbons and braid them into little knots. Then, I’ll pry your eyeballs out with my fingers, smash them flat into little sausages, and theyll switch places with your tongue. After that, Ill cut off your balls and shove them down your throat, then I’ll sit there and laugh while I watch you try to swallow down your family jewels using your crushed eyeballs as a tongue. Clear?” A grin spreads across my face as I describe the whole thing, and I relish the way the blood drains out of his face. Good, I hope he’s scared.

“Got it.” He croaked out, not wasting words this time. I’m sure my face looks absolutely insane, the glee that took over me as I described what I could put him through is probably bursting out of me. As long as he understands that I’m deadly serious about my threats and my personal space, we’ll be just fine.

I push over the safety with my thumb, and smoothly close my pocket knife with a click, my eyes never leaving the person in front of me. Without another word, I take a few steps to the side and take a seat on some kind of crumbling concrete wall, my knees bunching up a little as I focus back on my roiling stomach.

The guy stands a few feet away, clearly uncomfortable, shifting slightly from foot to foot as he stares at me.

“Can I-”

“NO.” I cut him off, wishing I had the ability to set people on fire with my eyes.

“But-”

“Unless you’re asking if you can leave and never come back, you can forget it bucko.” I grimace a bit, digging my fingers into my side as my stomach spasms again.

He falls silent, but doesn’t leave. Just my luck, the one thing I don’t want following me around is a man, and here one is, standing and staring at me, begging for something as I try not to puke my guts out. I groan a little as another wave of nausea hit me full-on, and I try not to murder him as the guy decides that’s his cue to speak.

“Period cramps?” cue the cheesy smile from mr.stupid over here. I glare in response, and he swallows quickly before continuing.

“I’m Justin by the way, what’s your name?” I don’t bother saying anything, hoping that if I ignore him enough he’ll just go away. “That’s okay, you don’t look like you’re doing too well right now. Well, I’m no doctor but I can definitely help with a lot of things if you’ll let me.”

“Do I need to repeat what I said about your balls and your tongue?”

“Oh, uh no, I think I got it. That’s understandable I guess. WHere are you from? I’m from here, in Chicago, I’m heading north because I’ve heard there’s some actual farms starting up again in Wisconsin. Are you heading north? It would be great to have someone to travel with. Even if you aren’t heading north, I’d love to travel with you for a bit, it gets so lonely out here when you travel by yourself and its so hard to find any other people who haven’t been infected.” He makes that face again, like a dog begging for something. If a dog was tall, scrawny, annoying, and the bane of my existence.

“Shut up.” I manage to grit out, my head spinning from his words. His voice is almost as annoying as he is in general, with a whiny quality that reminds me of a kid throwing a tantrum. Oh what I would give to have him stop talking forever.

“Uh yeah,” why the hell is he still talking “are you sure you’re okay there, you look kinda in pain.” He’s starting to get on my nerves.

“Well no shit Sherlock, I accidentally ate expired food.” The words come out almost in a growl, and I wish I was a man, or bigger, so that it would sound more threatening when I talked like that.

“Well, y’know sometimes you can-” He’s cut off, thankfully, by a sudden pool of vomit being expelled from my body, and he jumps back a little as some of the upchuck splashes towards him. The look of disgust on his face is almost worth the food I lost. Almost.

I wipe my mouth, inspecting my shoes to make sure I didn’t get any on them, and when I find them clear, I grab out my water bottle, swish out my mouth, and hop up a good foot away from my puke, feeling almost instantly better.

“Well James, I’ll be on my way now.” I smile widely, glad to be finally getting away from this freak.

“Uh it’s Justin,” he pauses, looking at the contents of my stomach strewn across the sidewalk, his nose wrinkling a little bit, “but hey which way are you headed?”

Of course I couldn’t just get rid of him like that, it would’ve been too easy.

“Away.” I say, picking up my pace. Away from him is what I mean. He hops up after me, keeping a safe distance, and starts chattering away again as I contemplate just committing murder right then and there.

“I grew up in the city here, I was staying the weekend at a friends house when the parasite hit. I mean, we didn’t know what it was then but now we know that’s what it was then. It was kinda crazy how fast everything got torn up, ya know? And um it was like once it hit everyone just decided we were all doomed and everything went to shit. My parents died when it first came, that was pretty sad, do you have any family that’s still alive? I don’t think I do, which isn’t great but I guess it’s just one of those things I have to deal with. Did you join any of those groups that popped up at the beginning there too? I think some of them are still around, but they’re less gang-y and more like a friendly little neighborhood now. I never joined a group, I think they were kind of stupid anyways, like who needs to try and have a power struggle with a bunch of other kids, right? Besides, a lot of them disbanded because the people couldn’t stand each other.”

My blood boils at the way he talks about the groups, and I think back to Charlotte, who gave everything to protect us, to keep us safe. That’s why I joined a group, because on my own I wouldn’t have made it, and a lot of other kids wouldn’t have either. He’s lucky I don’t turn around and sock him in the face to try and knock his head outta his ass, he obviously can’t look past his own rear end and see that people do need other people, and that for a lot of us those groups were our family. And what’s all this BS about how it’s so sad he lost his family? We’ve all lost people, its the friggin’ apocalypse you self-entitled whore. But he keeps talking.

“What about finding food, have you had much luck recently? I mean, obviously not because you ate something spoiled, but it’s been getting harder and harder to find anything in this city I think. I mean, anything that hasn’t been picked clean by now has probably gone bad. That’s why I’m leaving actually, gotta eat somehow! I think it’ll be a lot better once I get out of the city, I have a buddy that was up north when everything hit, he says they went back to farming pretty quick once food started running out, so I think there should be plenty to eat up there. It’s like in the Martian, right? Have you ever seen that movie? Or I guess it was a book first, but that doesn’t really matter, have you heard of it? I guess you probably have, I think almost everyone has heard of it, but if you don’t then it’s about this guy who’s a botanist and he gets stranded on mars while he’s on a mission in space, and I can’t remember exactly what happened to his crew but I know they get like offed somehow and so anyways this guy starts growing like potatoes, while he’s on mars, which is pretty cool. ANd he uses poop from his- hey you know we just went like in a circle right, like we’ve been over here before?”

I stop pinching the bridge of my nose and trying to tune out his mindless chatter and actually look around myself. He’s right.

I have somehow yet again, screwed up spectacularly and gotten myself lost. What a phenomenal job I’ve done. I whirl to face whats-his-face, knowing that at the very least I can be annoyed with him.

“I am trying to get rid of you actually, in case you didn’t notice, you’ve been talking this ENTIRE time, and I am completely fed up with it. Nobody cares that you’ve had a hard time, nobody cares that your parents, and I’m damn well sure that nobody asked to hear and entire dissertation on The Martian. I mean, hell, I didn’t ask you to be here at all.”

His mouth gaped open like a fish, the expression absolutely disgusting on his too-small face. I know it isn’t completely his fault, and I’m more mad that I got lost yet again, but for heaven’s sake I don’t want him anywhere near me and I still don’t trust him.

“I understand, I can be more quiet.” His voice follows me quietly, and I can almost imagine him shrinking a little like a kicked puppy. I still don’t care, he decided to follow me and be an annoying little asshole, his hurt feelings are his own problem, “but I still would really like someone to travel with if you don’t mind?”

I pause midstep, thinking it over. I could really use somebody to help me navigate if nothing else, and so far he seemed pretty harmless, just a pain in the butt to listen to.

“Okay,” I give in, hating myself a bit for agreeing to this, “my name is Brandy, I’m heading north too. You can come with if you agree to navigate.”

He nodded enthusiastically, and I added “And you have to agree to stop talking so much.” Another brief nod.

“Okay then Jimmy, lets get going.” I motion ahead of me for him to take the lead.

“It’s still Justin.” He cuts in, and I shake my head in warning when it looks like he might start on another tangent. I still wish it wasn’t him I was traveling with, I mean I don’t really want to be traveling with anyone right now, but if I was left to try and navigate on my own I’m pretty sure I would never even make it out of the city.

I follow behind Justin, trailing behind slightly and trying to just focus on my footsteps and my breathing. I think back to the girl scout cookies, my mouth watering a bit just imagining them, despite my bad experience earlier. I probably haven’t learned my lesson, and I start to wonder if maybe the other box is still good. They are a different kind after all. I’ll have to pull them out and try one when I can get rid of my sudden tail for a little bit. I look back ahead at him.

He is alternating between glancing up at the sky and street signs, and down at what looks like a map in his hands. I wish I had some sort of map to follow, then maybe I wouldn’t need this useless talkative man to come with me. I shouldn’t have allowed him to come anyways, it wasn’t a good look for me and trying to keep two people alive is so much harder than one, even if both are taking care of themselves for the most part. There was just more to worry about, and you had to think about a whole other person. All in all, this had just been a terrible idea.

I step carefully, crunching over bits of debris from a building next to us that had been obviously looted, and try to focus on my surroundings better. I need to be paying attention, making sure there’s no zombies hiding anywhere that could get us. Justin obviously wasn’t worried about it at all, and I had to wonder how he had survived this long. He didn’t seem very smart, he wasn’t super athletic, he hadn’t joined any groups, and he didn’t seem to be careful or aware at all. I have to put my money on pure luck. He had to just be one of the luckiest people I’ve ever met, especially because it didn’t look like he had any self-preservation instincts at all. He had gone right up to someone he didn’t know, who probably looked sick, and tried to make friends with them. He stumbled over a chunk of metal, almost scraping his arm on some exposed glass. Okay, so clumsy and no self-preservation instincts I guess. I had to marvel at the complete lack of fear and self-awareness it seemed like he had. He didn’t seem to worry too much about anything, and it didn’t seem like he filtered anything he thought or said. It was almost impressive when you took a step back and looked at it.

Well no matter how he had survived up until now, I was kind of stuck with the job of keeping him alive if I wanted to make it to Wisconsin. It wasn’t going to be an easy task, I’m pretty sure this man should have been killed off by natural selection ages ago, but here we were.

Just then I catch sight of something shifting in the shadows of my peripheral vision. I turn, sliding my knife out of my pocket silently, the solid weight pressed firmly against my palm. I flick it open, the little click echoing in my mind, making it sound louder to me than it actually is. The shadow where I saw movement is directly in front of me, as I stay completely still, wishing I could signal to Justin to stop moving so loudly and kicking rocks everywhere. Of course, he stays completely oblivious, so I stand my ground without any backup. Slowly, emerging from the shadows almost in a slink, emerges the dog. Her ears are back but she isn’t growling, and I relax immediately.

“Hey little miss,” I whisper, “I missed you.”

I slide the knife back into my pocket, and try to quietly pull out some food to toss to the dog. It works, and I am over the moon when the man in front of me doesn’t notice or suspect a thing. For now, the dog can stay my little secret.

I walk away, trying to hide the smile creeping onto my face, and feeling a lot lighter than I have all day. Justin keeps walking slowly away, and I scamper a bit to keep up, almost annoyed that he didn’t see I was stopped. Jeez, this man really has zero awareness of his surroundings. I glance back occasionally, still overjoyed every time I see a furry figure trailing me from a little ways off. I think this dog might actually end up coming to Milwaukee with me. The thought is a little strange, but it’s been an altogether kind of strange day so I don’t really mind that much.

The wind whistles past me, picking up speed as the day goes on, and almost knocking off the ugly knit hat that sits precariously on Justin’s head. It gets to the point where I have to squint my eyes to keep them from watering before my fearless guide suggests we pull over and take a break. I personally don’t feel like taking longer than we already have to try and get out of the city, but he’s probably right, we should most likely take a break for a bit. We find a spot that’s a little sheltered from the wind and duck in to take a little time to rest. I hate that the spot we found isn’t very big, and I’m forced closer to dickface than I’d like to be. He sits down, taking up more space than strictly necessary, and I start to feel the gloom descend on me once again. Just the presence of this guy takes my mood down five notches, and I swear if he starts talking again-

“So why are you heading north, like where exactly are you trying to go?”

“Milwaukee.” I grumble the word, despising every second of this.

“Oh is that it? Why MIlwaukee? It’s just another big city I guess, just further north. Is there something there you’re trying to get to? Y’know I’ve heard theres somebody up there trying to start an army to kill off all the zombies, you should check it out, you seem like the kind that would be good at just choppin’ away at those suckers.”

“K”

“Is that what you’re going up there for? I wouldn’t be surprised if you were, I don’t know where it is exactly but I could help you find it if you wanted.” He looked at me expectantly, as if the offer was for a million dollars and not even more of his company that I didn’t want in the first place.

“No.”

He finally takes that as a sign to stop talking, and I’m grateful that he settles in to doing his own thing. I pull off my jacket, determined to do some mending while I have the extra time. He watches, almost intrigued, but thankfully doesn’t say a word.

We sit like that for a while, the wind picking up more and more, sending debris flying and forcing us further into the little nook we had picked out. I wonder where the dog is, if she found somewhere to hide out too or if she’s just standing out in the awful wind. I peer out, straining to see if I can make out where she could be through the swirling dust and dirt. I don’t catch sight of anything, and I worry my bottom lip with my teeth, hoping that she’s okay. What am I even thinking, of course she’ll be fine. That dog is scrappier than I ever have been, there’s no way that some wind is going to do her in.

The wind howling past us lends an almost melancholy undertone to the setting, and I start to wish that I had a harmonica so I could start playing some old-timey cowboy song, letting the wind set the pace. It would be fitting I think, to play an instrument made for vagabonds and outlaws, as I continue on this insane trip to try and find someone that could be dead or long gone by now. It sounds like the plot of a very moody wild west movie, the only difference is I didn’t want anyone to accompany me, and we don’t have any cows. I mean, Justin smells kind of like a cow, but he’s definitely too skinny to be one.

We sit there so long that apparently I accidentally fall asleep, and so does Justin. I wake a little later to a darkened sky and almost no wind. Justin’s hand is on my arm, and he’s out cold too. I shake his hand off, my skin prickling with disgust and scowl, scooting as far away as I can get. If he touches me again, accident or not, I’ll cut off his damn fingers. I don’t know what it is, but something about this man gets under my skin in the worst way possible, it’s like I’m physically repulsed by him.

It wouldn’t be a bad thing in most situations, I could just avoid him and be done with it, but since I’m apparently stuck with him for a while I can’t exactly do that right now. I definitely won’t let my own disgust stand in the way of getting the things I want, so I need to ignore his presence and the way it makes my skin crawl for just a while longer. He’s nice enough technically, but something still tells me that I need to be careful around him, and I’m going to listen to that part as much as I can. If there’s one thing I know as a girl, it’s that when I have a gut feeling about a man it’s usually right.

Just as Justin starts to stir, stretching into my space and earning a dirty look that he can’t even see, a figure appears just inside my line of sight, sitting down expectantly and staring into my soul. The dog watches me carefully, staying as far away from where the man is lying as possible, but still trying to get close enough to me to be in range for food.

I wait, breath held, as Justin sits up and the dog jumps a little, backing away with her hackles raised. I pull some food out hastily and toss it to her, desperate for my one good travel companion to stay with me. She settles down a little, but still eyes the man warily as he blinks and rubs at his eyes, letting loose a disgusting-sounding yawn. He catches sight of the dog almost immediately, and turns to look at me feeding her, slightly confused.

“Is this yours?” He asks me, his face all crinkled from sleep. I almost don’t have to think before I answer.

“Yup,” I say hastily, straightening my back to try and seem more convincing, mind rushing to think of something to call her, “Her name is , um, Pez.”

“Well then, hello Pez,” Justin moves quickly to reach towards her, going in for a pet, and before I can warn him the dog, Pez I guess, lets loose a ferocious growl and snaps at him, hair standing on end. He pulls his hand back quickly and I can’t help but grin a little bit.

“She doesn’t like strangers.” I say it with authority, like I’ve known her for years. I know it’s true, I just don’t know for how long. Like an answer, the dog moves to hide beside me, within arm’s reach this time. I don’t reach out to pet her, even though everything in me wants to. I can’t let Justin see that I’m still a stranger to her, and I’m not quite sure how she would react.

It’s almost ironic, that these two companions that I didn’t want or ask for at all are both now coming with me on my crazy journey. The only difference is that one of them slobbers, sheds, and begs, and the other one is a dog that I actually like.

She lowers her head to the ground, still watching Justin carefully and letting out some little grumbles whenever he makes a move. I think it’s absolutely hilarious, and I have to stop myself from laughing at the look on his face. It’s the same face he made when I threatened him.

Just me and my dog, bloodthirsty bitches that’ll bite your hand off if you try to touch us.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: How are we feeling about the boy so far? I had a ton of fun writing this chapter, especially the creative threats, and I can't wait for what is coming next. Stay prepared, and stay bitchy. Peace.

-Bartok

tag list (comment if you want to be added!): @teigo-the-explorer

#apocalypse #end of the world #zombies #female protagonist #original story #Brandy and the End of the World #reactive dog #story #work in progress #chicago #creative writing #post apocalyptic #ongoing #writing #dogs #romance

8 notes · View notes