#and occasionally post my own doodles/screaming

[aethernoise]

So, I typically keep my BG3 posting to my side account, but this is far too amazing to not put in front of a much wider audience so BEHOLD!! my Tav (Xandra) and Gale by the incomparable @britishmuffin

This ship has me in a mage hand stranglehold and I'm not complaining. I love them & I am obsessed with how gorgeous Muffin drew them here. My crops are watered my skin is clear my spell slots are all replenished. Thank you for your time (& Muffin for an always wonderful experience).

#a rare non-ffxiv content appears #bg3 art #baldur's gate 3 #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #gale x tav #xandragale #art for me #commissioned art #btw if you're interested #my side account is @ esides #it's a hodgepodge mess but #it's where i reblog bg3 things #and occasionally post my own doodles/screaming #going back to staring at this for 8 hours excuse me

[upsidedownwanderer]

Howdy!! I don’t know how you found this account, but pretty cool that you did! Here’s my main if you’re interested

I am Astrophel—commonly known as Astro or Xurkit—and this is a side blog where I talk about The Upturned! Yeah I already do that on my main blog, but this digs into the stuff that I feel too embarrassed to share to the population! which is just. “hey what if I made my own story off an already canon one”

#wandering rambles - off topic posts

#upsidedownwanderer - story stuff. I am too lazy to put it all into separate tags

Below are character descriptions! Ocs included </33

Mr. Me Avi - The Traveler (he/they)

A lone soul who found the Upturned Inn by luck. Although their face is always unemotional, they’re easily irritable. Their mood consists of passive aggressive muttering or screaming at the nearest moving thing from fear. His anger is never sudden, instead it build ups over encounters—he’s actually quite polite at first. A few years in the apocalypse does that to you.

Ikabod Kee - The Receptionist (he/him)

A chipper snake-like soul that is stationed at the front desk of the Upturned Inn. He’s always in a good mood, and it’s hard to crack the smile on his face! A bit loud from time to time, but that’s out of excitement over seeing another face.

Shrimp - The Anomaly (it/he)

A soul locked away in one of the asylum rooms. Doesn’t show much emotion either, only reacting to toys or food. Ik occasionally calls it “Artie.”

Sobbergritch - The Inventor (he/him)

The current owner of the Upturned Inn. Hasn’t been seen or found in a long time, as it’s been told he’s in the deepest parts of the hotel. Rarely will he interrupt conversations between Avi and Ik, and the reason why is unknown. It’s hard to tell if there’s malicious intent.

The Horseman - Death (they/he/it)

A myth to many, a man to few. Guests of the inn speak of a glowing figure on horseback guiding those out of the rain, therefore out of the afterlife. They have many titles: “Death,” “The Lone Rider,” “The Morning,” but we don’t know his actual name.

OCS!! Because they’re fun and this is MY story /j

The Widow (she/her)

A soul that sulks in her own room day and night. According to guests, she still mourns over the loss of her husband, stating that “although he left me for another woman, I still love him..” When she’s not sobbing over a man, she’s very comforting to be around. A motherly figure despite having no children.

Critter (he/him)

A lil chuckler that prefers to follow the crowd. Even when showing clear excitement about something, he seems to stay quiet, as he’s afraid of bringing attention to himself. Calls Ik quite often—the two apparently see each other as family.

Flauna (they/them)

A caterpillar-like soul that’s trapped in a floor overgrown by flora. The vines of roses seem to not let anything in or out unless you’re using the elevator. A kind soul even in loneliness. If they aren’t talking about flowers, they’re probably talking about their husband. (❤️ - Sobbergritch)

Ides (any/all)

A mysterious figure that trudges through the forest outside of the Inn. Critter and Widow have found a way to leave their floors without being caught, and have met with xim before. It’s hard to fully tell what xey look like, as her body is constantly shifting into different silhouette, but you’ll always manage to find his looking eyes.

Lars (they/he/it) (belongs to @fiowersfield)

A bug like humanoid that has been lost in the afterlife for a while! they dont have a specific place where they stay at and keep wandering around, mostly following lights that they see. they are interested in the stars and usually look up at them sometimes when they get too lost in the woods. as a hobby they "draw" ( doodles in dirt ) as a way to spend some time. usually pretty nice but mostly confused because they dont think a lot. (❤️ - The Horseman)

[thesilverlock]

⟣ ABOUT ⟢

Heya! I’m Blue !

I meme post, make fanart, rarely write, and try to have fun nursing a 12+ Yu-Gi-Oh spinoff obsession asdfhj

My Ko-Fi

Welcome to my zany little ZEXAL blog asdfgh ♡

⟣ GENERAL STUFF ⟢

1.) Please do NOT repost, steal, trace, or do much of anything likewise with my art / fanart / writing. Whether on tumblr or otherwise. Please and thank you.

2.) I didn’t actually have another one for here, so - have a lovely day! ^^

⟣ QUESTIONS ⟢

“Do you take commissions?"

At the moment, any Art or Writing commissions I am willing to do are for very close mutuals and friends only!

“Can I make fanart / fanfic / little stuff about your character or ship?"

YES! As long as you send it to me / tag me, and don’t claim the oc/ship as your own ofc, then it is super duper appreciated. I love sweet gifts like that 🥹 ( Just again, please let me know directly when you do! I’ve had one or two odd instances of someone posting materials involving my characters without my consent or knowledge, and it was pretty strange. Asdfgh. )

⟣ COMMON TAGS ⟢

#| blue rambles | º☕︎ - Where I keep my thoughts, random tidbits, questions, or — as it says — rambles! Just your good old ‘ooc’ posts, essentially.

#| saved ✧ | - All reblogs or posts that I want to save, and look back on frequently!

#| my art ♡ | - Pretty self explanatory, this tag denotes that the art and/or doodles on the post belong to me!

#| my oc ❦ | - Anything, art, ask, lore, and any other type of post involving my original character. Usually that's going to be primarily about Jey Cleary / Jei Takara. My main and most beloved son.

#| goldenshipping ✧◦༌ | - My oc ship & otp! Jey x Astral. Their relationship is quite intricately tied in Jey’s “canon”, since his creation was borne from wanting a rival character specifically just for Astral (why was he the only main who didn’t get a shiny new rival for ZEXAL II? Unfair, Konami) I will shout incoherently about them ♡

#| pierceshipping ✶٭༌ | / | ultravioletshipping ✶٭༌ | - My other ocXcanon pairing, Jey x No.96! My big ‘AU’ and ‘for-fun’ ship. Borderline OTP in and of itself tbh. Overall you might see less of this one than of the previous, but rest assured they’re in my brain nearly just as much. I will get the occasionally scream about them too lol ♥︎

#| not zexal related ! | - Again, pretty one-to-one description, posts with this tag are not related to zexal! This one is going to be by far the most rare of all the tags afgshj

#{ Silverlock’s Blog Masterlist } #[ Pinned <3 ] #| blue rambles | º☕︎

[aego-philautia]

💜❤️!!AegoAegoAego!!💜❤️

Philautia; (φιλαυτία, philautía) means "self-love". To love oneself or "regard for one's own happiness or advantage"... Hello Hello! I'm Aego🫶🏾 Silly goat artist who draws ppl in love(and occasionally other things on my main, @aegos-eros)

BYF:

No pro/comship interaction pls! Thank you!

Minors may interact, but pls don't follow me as I have little to no filter abt what I say. Especially when it's Aego Simping Hours™️. If I check and you have no age/are under 18 I will softblock.

I am a black sapphic bi cis woman. If you have a problem with any of that then please leave💜

I am also some flavor of asexual. Aegosexual describes me best(Okay with fantasizing/interacting with nsfw things, not actually doing them. Link to a vid that explains more if ur interested ^.^)

OC x Canon/selfship truther, argue with the wall

I typically refrain from discourse/stressful topics for my own mental health, if I do speak/reblog anything it will be tagged with: #🕸️ bc spiders scare me

I also get high/drink, pls block the tag: #🍃🍹 This is not a suggestion block it now/hj

💜About Aego💜

ADHD + social anxiety(along w The Others™️), but I still love talking to ppl!! Ask/talk to me about whatever, If I can, I'll answer🫶🏾

Purple>>>>>>>>

POC, Bi(woman leaning), Aegosexual 🖤💜🤍

VOCALOID LOVER

Aspriring Drawerw(Artist)

Genshin, Honkai Star Rail, Stardew Valley, Rimworld, Starbound, Other games i can't remember rn...

Ill put more stuff here eventually✨💫

Ships!!

Ten x Kazuha (TenKazu) (My loves💜❤️)(Iffy on Sharing🫠)

[Unnamed Moth OC] x Carmilla Carmine (a pic of Carmilla bc i don't have ship art of them yet💔💔)

Lastly, Tags

#My Loves💜❤️ (TenKazu)

#Mi Cielo💜🩷 (DelphiMilla)

#AegoSimpingHour™️ (gushing if i ever do it)

#cozy comfort💜❤️ (imagines, selfshipping things,etc)

#other ppls ships💜

#oooh shiny (general reblogs)

#dewdels (occassional shitpost doodles)

#i must scream (me talking)

#Praise the son☀️ (POSTS OF MY BEUTIFUL BBY BOIIIII MY SONNNN MY DARLINQ my cat)

goatluuvsqueue!!💜💜 (my queued posts! I forget to update my queue tho sry)

more to be added as necessary 😊

You've made it this far? Here's a crockpot baked spaghet recipe, luv u💜❤️

#cozy comfort💜❤️ #my loves💜❤️ #mi cielo💜🩷 #i must scream #other ppls ships💜 #oooh shiny #dewdels #AegoSimpingHour™️ #praise the son☀️ #goatluuvsqueue!!💜💜 #>>extra tags bc imma consider this my promo too for now #self ship #oc x canon #yumejoshi #self shipping #NEW PINNED WOOT

[snarky-art]

Hey snarky, love your most recent posts but I must ask. How do you maintain the energy to stay focused on your au? I've been struggling with my own Winx esc story and I'm struggling with and I want to know someways to stay motivated and plan content.

So first off, love the stuff you come up with and I’m so honored you ask me questions about things related to it

And secondly, this may not be the answer you want to hear and it’s just my opinion, but don’t force yourself to stay on it if you’re not feeling it.

I find that I tend to come up with my best stuff when I’m actively enjoying what I’m making and having fun, which to me should be the main priority for creating things. If you’re not feeling that inspired or are feeling like you have to force yourself to come up with stuff for your project, then you don’t have to do it.

Sometimes you need a break, and you can always come back to it if you want to! That’s the great thing about doing stuff like this. You feel like you’re slogging through it and aren’t having a good time? Fuck it. Do something else then. That’s ok! And if it turns out later on you realize you don’t want to continue doing it? That’s ok too!

I’ll have stints on here where I’m just drawing Barbie or Zelda fanart and occasionally other magical girl related stuff because that’s the stuff I’m more into at the moment and I’m not really feeling super inspired with my winx au/rewrite thingy. Like lately I’ve been having trouble coming up with stuff so I shared some pose memes and color palette things and have been doing requests as well as my own personal doodles with them that I like.

Sometimes you get burnt out and you just gotta do something else. That advice from that art lesbian who lives in the woods from Kiki’s Delivery Service? About taking a break, not creating stuff for a while, and enjoying other things instead if you’re struggling with making things? Yeah basically that lol

My last piece of advice is that bouncing ideas off of people can be fun too! For example, @maea-megs and I have been trying to update and redo some of their AU stuff to give it a more identifiable and unique spin and that’s been great! Its just us screaming for hours and going on tangents that result in some really cool ideas and new lore.

I have a lot of people on here that I’m lucky enough to be able to talk to about ideas and concepts and outside input can lead to some great trains of thought you yourself may have never come up with! From my own personal experiences on here the winx fandom overall is super fucking nice too and I’ve found that even if it’s intimidating, sending an ask or a dm if they’re cool with it can usually result in some really great new friendships and creative buddies. I’m also always happy to talk about stuff in the dms too if you want! I love hearing other peoples thoughts and ideas about this stupid sparkly fairy show from 2004 lol we can have the time of our lives.

So yeah! That’s all the advice I have basically. As always I’m not sure how helpful it is but hopefully you’ll get something out of reading it lol

And once again feel free to dm to talk about ideas or concepts I’m always down for it!

#winx club #winx #asks #ask

[chouyo]

hello yall !! 🌼✨

so… how was the travel ?? i heard the flight from twitter to tumblr was pretty turbulent…

anyway !! im @blueberrysunflowers but it was a side blog so i wasn’t able to have as much freedom as a main blog and here we are !! ill work on queuing up some incorrect quotes there (tho ill admit im running out) and work on posting content here <33

— 💃🏻—

what to expect on this page - gifs !! lots of it !! drabbles (threadfics), headcanons, socmed au updates, retweets and the occasional doodle !!

ships to expect from here - mainly kagehina like 90% of the time, but other ships will come up too !! (tsukiyama, daisuga, iwaoi, kiyotana, asanoya, bokuaka, sakuatsu, kuroken, ushiten, ushitenkuroken, ushidai)

— ❗️—

disclaimer 1 (crossposting) — i will be reposting my own older works (drabbles and whatnot) on here so that there’s some content on this page. please don’t accuse me of plagerising.. my own… works…..

disclaimer 2 (age appropriate content) - i will be posting the occasional nsfw drabble / make nsfw jokes !! do with that information as you wish but if you’re 18- please don’t interact w me those works specifically !!

— 💃🏻—

a little about me - i'm elle (she/they, 22) !! i mainly write threadfics/drabbles, social media aus and ao3 fics !! a kagehina/hinakage main til the end but i enjoy most mainpairs too !! my DMs and asks are open so feel free to say hi !! 🫶🏻✨

my other tumblr blogs! (mostly inactive…) - @queeneye (queer eye) , @exasperatedmoron (DCTV), @three-trainwrecks (unus annus), @choupielu (skam france), @blueberrysunflowers (haikyuu incorrect quotes)

ao3 — xllx / exasperatedmoron

twitter — chouyo_

— ✍🏻 —

current fics published on a03 / in the works / social media aus (on twt) !!

time is nothing but a construct || 30k words of hinata visiting kageyama in italy, falling sick and having a very chaotic and domestically romantic week with his ‘best friend’ that ends in a ring !!

alls fair in love and (one-sided) war || 7k of daisuga being soulmates but instead of using the soul bond for romantic reasons, suga uses it to bring chaos (and love) into daichi’s life !!

here comes trouble (make it double) || 15k of kagehina and ushisakuatsu getting set up by their sisters because they were Very Tired of their brothers’ hopeless love lives !!

life is like a box of chocolates || 18k of married ushiten being the most domestic and in-love couple you’ll ever meet as they go grocery shopping, bake chocolate pastries and reminisce on their relationship !!

that one time at training camp where everyone swapped souls and died || 13k of crack but also wholesomeness and a shit ton of team bonding moments amongst karasuno, nekoma and fukurodani (and mainpairs) !!

what is grief, if not love persevering? || 6k of kagehina’s final days as hinata loses his battle with cancer

everything’s better with you || 4k of ushisakuatsu working perfectly together like a well-oiled machine !! (contains nsfw)

call me and tell me how much you need me || 5k of hinakage handling long distance with nudes, voice recordings and wanking off !! (contains nsfw)

kageyama tobio; a case study on what it means to belong || 6k of kageyama talking to yachi about what everyone means to him and how he found a home within his team !!

adventures in babysitting || 16k (and counting) of natsu being babysat by the various members of karasuno and slowly building her own second family !!

kagehina exchange fic 2023 || revealed in july !!

kagehina + mainpairs || a VERY long au where they both have their main twitter accounts + a secret private side account where they scream about their crushes. lots of crack and fluff!!

kagehina + mainpairs || another VERY long au where they both run secret sasaki to mivano stan accounts & are moots on those accounts without realising it + take inspiration from the show to flirt with their irl crushes !

kagehina + tsukiyama || short timeskipped au where tsukki makes a typo when talking to hinata and sends the poor man into a spiral !!

yachi + mainpairs || short timeskipped au where yachi reviews her friend’s dating profiles and finds love herself !!

kagehina + mainpairs || a VERY long timeskipped au where kagehina become roommates and kuroo tries to increase the popularity of the JNT !!

#haikyuu #hq

[blaiddydbrokeit]

Here's a list of some of my tags if anyone wants to blacklist them for any reason (no hard feelings, just an option because I know some people prefer curating tags rather than blogs)

#dimi breaks the silence - general talk tag, nothing too special

#dima in the deep end - I get introspective here, sometimes philosophical. Things about personal growths also happen.

#dimi SCREAM - vent/rant tag, but mostly griping about mundane things like unfortunate weather circumstance

#mitya memories - sometimes I kinpost, so I recommend blacklisting this if you're uncomfortable with it

#dimi doodles - the occasional art piece, also see: @doodle-lions

#meaty monologues - I work at a butchery. I am slowly falling into insanity.

#mitri mirror - Sometimes I post pictures of me. They may be in cosplay.

#the lion's log - My daily journals. Blacklist the tag if you like, it gets long. Also tagged by month

#the cheeseboi costume project - Updates on my attempt to make Allan's uniform.

#the girl of hresvelg costume project - Updates on my attempt to make Edelgard's uniform for a friend

#allan montgomery blaiddyd - I post all my Allan nonsense in this tag. All hail cheese boy.

#fredrike esmond fraldarius - The still-new and relatively unpopulated tag for Fredrike. May contain uncensored swearing.

#hechz von vestra - A tag sparsely populated for another of my OCs, Hechz.

This post will be updated with more tags as needed in future, but for now this should suffice for curating a majority of my original posts.

(By the way, my own 3H specific longposts are reblogged to @loogvonblaiddyd for archival - if you can't find them amidst all the cat videos and swords I reblog for Felix, you might find it there.)

#dimi breaks the silence #dima in the deep end #mitya memories #dimi SCREAM

[yurissweettooth]

Various personal life/health update stuff blah blah

As those that already know me from discord (or irl) know, I started having a lot of severe and troubling physical and mental symptoms a few months ago that culminated in a trip to the hospital and a diagnosis of a hormone related chronic illness that is gonna wreck my physical and mental health for 1-3 weeks out of the month every month so that's cool 😅 It has been a lot to deal with but it's at least nice to know that I am not dying of a heart condition anything like I had thought, I just need a lot of rest and my friends have thankfully been very good lately about yelling at me to take it easy and the people I live with have been super helpful and accommodating. I am trying to explore surgical options but the doctors are being difficult, as is common with afab people🙄 Trying to be positive about everything though and just focus on nice things and distractions! There will likely be significantly less art from me in the coming future sadly (as their already has been for a while tbh) but I will try to squeeze in doodles, meme redraws, or the occasional larger projects when I can on my good days! Since I've been laying around a lot I've been thinking a ton about Yuri, T&B as a whole, and some characters from my other fandoms so I might do more theory/analysis posts too or maybe try writing some fanfics again since I can do all that stuff slowly and plan in my head all day😄 Anyway, I thought I would address this partially because venting into the void on my own blog is therapeutic but also because I haven't really had the energy to talk at length with anyone except my family and closest friends for the most part so I haven't been able to get back to DMs, asks, or be super active in any discord spaces other than to pop in and say hi or scream about Yuri or Raven for like 15 minutes max. Sorry about that! I am hoping to get to those things sometime next week perhaps if all goes well or slowly chip away at them when energy levels permit! ❤

#personal #do not reblog

[nyx-aira]

Destiny Awaits

Chapter 7: Hollow Heart

Summary: After decades of her vengeful rampage Agatha realises that there's nothing to live for anymore.

A/N: This whole fic got darker than intended but it's still the work I'm most proud of.

TW: mention of suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts

PSA: Do NOT copy, steal, translate, plagiarize, republish, etc any of my works on Tumblr or any other platform. Also, do NOT claim any of my works as your own. All of these works are either requests I’ve gotten that people have wanted me to write or original ideas I’ve had for works. If you happen to take inspiration from anything I’ve written and want to write something inspired by that, please a) ask me first and b) IF I say yes, credit me as inspo in your post by tagging me and link whatever work of mine that inspired you. Thanks.

PSA c/@ynscrazylife

March 23rd, 1862

It's been three days.

Three days since she had won.

Three days since she had defeated her enemies.

Three days since she avenged your death, fully.

She should feel happy, should feel good that there was no one alive anymore who had tried to harm you once in their life.

Instead she felt hollow.

Her rage and desire to avenge you had kept her going through the years, kept her from completely breaking apart but now? Now she had severed the last connection the world had to you, the last person who had ever know you.

Now Agatha was the only one who remember you, the only one who knew you ever existed, your grave protected by more spells than she could count, hidden from the world.

61 537 days or 168 years, six months and six days since she had last seen you, last held you and last kissed you.

58 974 days or 161 years, five months and nineteen days since she had found your body.

It had been so long.

Some days Agatha had troubles remember your face or your voice. Those days she spent crying and screaming, cursing the universe and herself for not looking after you.

Those days she had stared at her kitchen knife longer than she should have, longing to be with you again.

Those days the only thing stopping her was her promise to avenge you and find everyone that had ever hurt you.

Now?

Now there wasn't anything stopping her, now there wasn't anything keeping her here.

But for some reason she couldn't, for some reason she felt like she wasn't allowed to have this mercy.

Ever since she came into your life she had brought you nothing but pain and suffering. She had robbed you of a peaceful lifetime and instead made you wait seven years. Seven years where Agatha could have visited, could have sent a letter.

But she didn't.

Her cowardice didn't let her, too afraid she would harm you like that but she had harmed you anyways, abandoning you when you needed her most.

She wasn't even sure if you had still loved her, even though your diary said otherwise. The little brown book with beautiful flowers carved into the letter the only thing she kept on her person all the time.

Agatha had cast more spells on that book than any of her spellbooks, making sure it wouldn't get destroyed over the centuries.

Every time when life got too much she read it again. Read about your days in the cabin, the poems you wrote and the drawings you drew.

Almost every page was filled with small doodles or beautiful flowers, drawings of animals and the occasional drawing of the sunset.

The one Agatha loved the most was the one on the last page of the simple book.

She remember that day clearly. It had been a hot summer day and they had gone to the lake, playing in the water and studying the herbs and flowers.

The drawing showed Agatha standing in the water, laughing as a butterfly had settled on her nose.

You had captured the moment beautifully and on the bottom left corner of the page two words were written.

My love.

Even now, after more than one century Agatha still cried when she read the those two words.

It wasn't fair, it should have been her but you got in the way.

You, sweet you, with the beautiful smile and bright mind. You who would drag her outside in the middle of the night to watch the stars together. You would would listen to her stories like they were the most magnificent thing there was.

You.

The love of her life.

She had made her lifes purpose to avenge you, to correct the wrongs that had been done to you but now she realised something.

There wasn't anything to correct, there wasn't anything to avenge.

Her actions had brought nothing but pain and destruction to those around her, turning her into the monster her mother had always said she was.

She had lost her heart and broken her promise.

She had broken her promise.

She had broken her promise.

She had broken her promise.

Broken.

That's what she was, a broken woman with nothing left to lose.

If life was this cruel, was it even worth living?

-----

Taglist: @escapetodreamworld @midnight-lestrange @ynscrazylife @sokovianheadtilt @procrastinatingsapphictrash @ineffablebean @cliint @wlwlovesreading @satxnsupreme @ycfwmalise14 @eilarch @sapphic-stress @booklovinbi @mysticfalls01 @adorkwithaplan @nathaslosttheirshit @agathaharkness-simp @paulawand @sarahp-stan @amethyst-bitch @emril-osvigne @celasteria @danvers97 @scruffyumbreon @mochiadria

#agathas august #agatha harkness #agnes #agatha harkness x reader #agnes x reader

[isa-ghost]

JSE Renaissance Week - Day 4

Day 4 (June 28th): Artist’s/Writer’s day. Do you have favorite pieces of fanart, an edit, or a fic that you or someone else has created? Reblog that sh*t with a comment saying how much you love it– it’ll probably make someone’s day! Bonus points if you create something for this. Extra bonus points if it’s a collaboration with another community member!

BOLD OF YOU ALL TO ASSUME I HAVE ANY EGO ART I’VE CREATED THAT I STILL FEEL OKAY POSTING. I’VE IMPROVED SINCE THEN AND IT IS NASTY. EGO ART COMING MAYBE EVENTUALLY.

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT I USED TO MAKE EGO ART. ONLY OG FOLLOWERS WILL REMEMBER THAT SHIT. PLEASE DON’T GO LOOKING FOR IT, I DON’T LIKE MY OLD ART.

Until then I scream like a moron about my favorite creators, some of which have actually moved on from the JSEC but I love them anyway so they can fight me in a dark alley for having the audacity to love them.

*BIG GAY INHALE*

@turquoisemagpie. YOU ABSOLUTE TRADITIONAL ART WIZARD. MY GOD. Your art style has me head over heels all over again with every piece you post. You’re where like- 14 year old me wanted her art to be. You are so insanely talented, your style is amazing, your range is mindblowing, and I cherish the commission of my infamous Bunker Trouble Trio SO MUCH. It was my laptop’s wallpaper for probably over a year. If I hear your commissions are open, I will be HEAVILY considering coming back. I could write an entire post just gushing about how much I love your art. Always keep creating, even what you might think is your worst or less than your usual quality would more than likely be something I’m still working my way up to. You are the DEFINITION of goals. <3

@septic-dr-schneep. WHERE DO I START. Hyperfixation or no hyperfixation, your work ethic is INSANE. I can’t BELIEVE how much you crank out in one hour let alone one day. Even if that’s slowed since before my little Tumblr break, you still blow my mind. I feel drained of creative juices just managing out one long piece for my OCs! Keeping track of a whole series of blurbs, defining canon and not within those, and coming up with a coherent story through each blurb, BASED OFF REQUEST PROMPTS FROM RANDOM PEOPLE? That’s AMAZING. I admire that passion you have so much, and even your breaks and burnouts don’t stop you. I LOVE that!

@lum1natriix. GOD where do I start with your gifs. JSE or other content, they are STUNNING. They’re such smoothly moving, high quality. You put so much work into them and it SHOWS, and I don’t even know where you would Start with making one, it’s always sounded like a Big Process, but your finished products look so awesome! No matter what you make gifs (or edits) of nowadays, I still adore your work. :)

@huffletrax. YOUR ART STYLE IS ADORABLE. It’s so squishy and fun and your coloring is IMMACULATE. And I love that despite your cute, round style, you still really pull off those angsty doodles you make occasionally. >:D You have a range and I’ve loved watching your improvement from the time I was new on Tumblr up to now. Keep going!!

@huffle-dork. I hope this doesn’t count as a mass post because BOY YOU DESERVE SOME APPRECIATION. You have crazy talent, both in your characters AND BACKGROUNDS. MY GOD DUDE, YOUR BACKGROUNDS. Even the ones that are just maybe a swoosh of colors look BEAUTIFUL. Dare I say they’re print worthy all on their own! I love the way you color things, and your style has such range too! Sometimes I can see similarities in my art to yours, and that’s been such a helpful way of keeping my motivation to keep improving up. I admire your art so much, and I love your Subnautica Egos series. <3

@d-structive. GOALS. JUST- GOALS. AGH. I love your style range so much! Your usual squareish stuff, your chibi stuff, your silly shitpost style (dare I callback to the buff ballerina Jameson,,,). All of it!! There’s just something so fun and fluid about it, yet its so square and neatly sharp at the same time! You balance those sorts of elements so well in your art, and I really love your ego designs too. <3 You probably have one of the most easily identifiable Marvin designs in the community, and he’s a little sneaky bastard man. >:D

@spunketpunk. BRUH DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING CAUSE LIKE. WOW. Your COLORING. Your art POPS and its so fucking cool. I love neon and saturated colors and its so rare to find artists who do (at least in my experience) and that’s something that seems like a huge part of your medium and I LOVE THAT. It makes your art insanely unique, and I love the aesthetic of those colors combined with your usually sketchy, messy lineart. Just- *chef’s kiss.* Your originality is fantastic, never lose that no matter what you explore. <3

@dumbthinmint. HEY WHAT’S UP LENGTHY SUPER DEVELOPED AU MAKER BUDDY?? LIKE HOLY SHIT DUDE. The lengths you go research and lore-wise for your AU? BRUUHHH. *slams hands on table* INSANE. And the way you make theory posts IN REFERENCE TO IT? That makes your theorizing stuff SO UNIQUE, I love it! Even when I feel like I can’t push my Ego AU lore with my friends too much further, you’re out here constantly dropping BOMBS of lore and honestly that makes my personal motivation with my own stuff soar right back up. I LOVE watching your AU unfold and progress, and your dedication to it is stunning. :D

There’s so many other artists, writers, editors & more I could tag but I don’t want this post getting 53826 miles long. :’D Just know that if any of you create things and I follow you, I think you’re doing great, I admire your stuff, and I hope you keep it up, no matter if its JSE related or not. <3

#jacksepticeye #jse renaissance week

[bananxious]

I guess it's a strength of Max's character that he's so flexible and unprincipled making it very easy to project yourself onto his blank lil face. So I'll think about the wacky rabbit now

Its kinda funny considering Purcell saying (and paraphrasing here from a scanned and probably misremembered magazine page) about Sam and Max being who you are (Sam, insecure, stifled) versus who you wish you could be (Max, unfiltered, confident, pure id). I cant remember which of the writers it was that said Sam was easier to write, but Max was more fun?

I can see how it can be a challenge to write what is essentially a big smiley hand grenade without him just being a sidekick or tagalong, which is the occasional criticism I saw of some early Telltale eps but probably why I like fan interpretations so much, because people aren't afraid to express themselves or ideas through him instead of just using him for cheap jokes. Personally, my favourite Max moments are when a puzzle solution clicks into place because of some off-kilter and seemingly throw-away line of dialogue from him. I guess that plays into his self-hating tendency, that he too considers himself as disposable as his jokes (at first glance). Within gameplay he's a perfect hint giver because some of his lines are truly nonsensical and some had me screaming in my own ignorance about how I didn't see the answer before!!

A lot of people find Max (and his dynamic with Sam) so appealing and relatable, I think because a lot of people know the feeling of being full of explosive/creative energy and no idea what to do with it, like with his vandalism and doodling or his head full of unwritten stories, but also the feeling of being around someone you just click with. Someone who can both actively appreciate and direct that kind of energy (for better or worse), someone who likes you because of, not despite, your weirdness - doubly important if that's an aspect you don't much like about yourself (hinted with Max's Super Ego) which is actively hindering you from appreciating your own positive qualities. I'd argue he doesn't look for purpose the same way Sam does, he's far more comfortable with sheer hedonism but that doesn't mean he's selfish. He's looking for appreciation of himself as a whole whereas Sam seems to look more for appreciation within the narrative he's built himself based on his consumption of TV/media - ykno. Cop stuff.

And to wrap it up, Max can handily bypass much of Sam's insecurity to pull that kind of wacky energy out of him too, like egging on his dangerous driving or pushing for a freelance beatdown, thus pulling each other into an endless cycle of encouraging each other's terrible habits. Maybe that'll be my next post !

#bananxious babbling

[lesbianwillbond]

been thinking a lot about how tumblr—both the website and userbase—tries to paint tumblr as this wonderful place for creative minds to come and thrive, share their work, have others appreciate their work, be recognized for their creativity. and that is true in a sense, if you go to the right places and blogs. but really if you’re a creative and you share your work on here you’ll notice that, really, unless you have a dedicated following who specifically follow you for your work, you don’t get recognized unless your work is fanfiction or gifs.

if you’re a creator on here and you create original art, fanart, original stories, fashion, makeup, original poetry, photography, etc. your work does not get recognized. you can look at the notes on your latest, for example, painting and see two likes from mutuals and five reblogs from yourself trying to get people to see it. do you know how disheartening that is? discouraging? all the other dis- words? to put hours of work into a piece of art you’re incredibly proud of and have no one even acknowledge it? you start getting it in your head that oh shit, maybe i’m not as talented as i think i am, i’m not holly warburton or salman toor so my art doesn’t matter. so you stop creating, because no one is there to celebrate it with you, and you think everything you create isn’t even worth celebrating in the end so why try? and you feel empty and sad because this thing that once made you so, so happy now symbolizes failure and emptiness.

people say that artists biggest critics are themselves, and that’s true, but there are reasons for it. we compare our work to others naturally. that just happens. but when you combine the comparison to other artists and the fact that they’re getting recognized and you see their art everywhere and you hardly get a second glance, that really takes a toll on you.

and then the non-creatives on this website go around preaching to people to reblog artwork! support artists! get their work out there! when they don’t even take their own advice. it just makes creators feel worse, seeing people reblog a post about the poor reblog-to-like ratios on their art, a doodle about an artist getting tossed a like or reblog, more than they reblog actual art.

but it isn’t all art that’s ignored and scrolled past, maybe a single like tossed haphazardly toward the post. like i said, fanfiction and gifsets are the only pieces of art that really get recognized. i’m not saying those are bad things unworthy of the recognition, but it just adds another layer to the horrible treatment of other artists on here. we see that people are capable of appreciating art, we see the notes that have a higher number of reblogs than likes, we see the tags yelling about this scene and that scene and oh the colouring! people are capable of appreciating art, so is it me? is it me that isn’t making things to decent standards? and it hurts deeper because fanfiction takes so much more time to interact with than a painting. knowing that people would rather set aside an entire hour to read a fanfiction and then reblog it with tags screaming about whatever than reblog a painting with an omg the shading! or even just a this is so good! is yet another brick to the weight and struggle of being heard on tumblr.

and then artists on tumblr will occasionally get asks or messages from anons or mutuals asking why they don’t post art anymore, why they haven’t posted new anything in six months. go look at the notes of my latest drawing, is that an answer enough? i don’t post any because even if people are seeing it, they act like they don’t. they scroll directly past it. it takes two clicks to reblog a post, and even that’s too difficult. noncreatives don’t get to complain when creators stop posting their art when they don’t even acknowledge it. if you see a piece of art you like, a painting, pretty makeup, an original poem, etc, fuckinh let the creator know, or else we’ll think it’s not good enough, we’re not good enough, not talented, not worth anyone’s time, and start beating ourselves up over it.

#just wanted to ramble #don’t get me started on compilation posts #en

[thelittlewitchofeverything]

Reintroduction

So there's about a hundred of you guys following this blog now, and I thought i'd just make a little doodle introducing myself and the general vibe of this blog.

Hi I'm Breena! I'm from BC, Canada and I've been a witch since 2015. I deconstructed from evangelical christianity riiiiight into neopaganism 😹I'm neurodivergent, queer and disabled. I identify myself as an eclectic pagan witch with no specific tradition. I practice alone and always have, though not because I'm opposed to the idea of practicing with others. I do also work with deities and would classify myself as a religious witch, but I was secular for the first several years of my practice.

This blog isn't really educational. It's a personal blog where I stash things according to my own personal taste. But! I will occasionally post my own takes on things and discuss magically-oriented topics here. I think entirely too much in general, and this blog is my outlet for that. I'm much more coherent in writing than in speech, so that makes Tumblr the ideal space for me. That said, if you're a beginner and found me somehow, I'm more than happy to be a resource or answer questions. The "I have approximate knowledge of many things" is a joke but it's also very true. Witchcraft, spirituality and the Occult is my special interest so feel free to pick my brain. Just know that I don't know how to use Tumblr, even though I've been here for over ten years now, so it might be a very long time before I see your ask 😰

This blog is 2SLGBTQIA+ safe and in support of Black Lives Matter. While my personal approach is going to be very European-based, I want there to be room here to learn from each other while respecting one another. I am very white, so I am going to fuck up and my perspective is going to be inherently biased.

No TERFs or SWERFS. I am explicitly anti-Nazi and anti-White Supremacy. That said I was raised conservatively and I will fuck up. If I do, I accept feedback and will do my best to learn.

I will extend the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent. Please assume the same for me. I have no time for destructive screaming matches. We're all adults here (probably), we can speak with respect for the betterment of each other.

If this sounds good to you, welcome friend!

Also, the matron goddess of this blog is my cat Clara.

Look at her and know, in your heart, you will never be as perfect as her.

Love xoxo

#about me #introduction

[buri-art]

May 10, 2019. A crack fanartist of the Tumblr AkaYona community disappeared.

While some have accepted her prior statements about “being busy moving and starting a new career” and “wanting to focus on writing original novels” her other statements about “craving a mental juice cleanse from social media” leave the impression that she went willingly. Rumors state her ghost made an appearance, and even skeptics have noted the evidence left in her March 2020 archive.

Today, we bring you the latest update.

June 26, 2020:

 ---

( ° ∀ ° )ﾉﾞ‘Sup~~~~ Well, it’s been a year, and the Ask Box is back open, but don’t get excited yet, I’ll come back to the art topic in a moment. I have indeed been happy with being a social media hermit, but it’s not bad to drop in here and there. Here’s a general update:

No, no, I haven’t totally quit writing! But it would be totally dodging reality if I didn’t come out and admit why I am currently unable to produce any original or AkaYona content. 

You guys, I’ve got it so bad. Like, this is the most mainstream thing I’ve been into since Digimon was on Fox Kids, but it is seriously everywhere. Not only does that keep it on my mind almost constantly, but I have money now. All a candy company needs to do to get me to buy something I had no interest in is slap a favorite character or two on the package (and those candies were disgusting, yet I did not regret that purchase).

Now, besides giving myself permission to set aside the writing I made progress on, I have generally been on an art slump. I still doodle, but I feel like my art has gotten much worse. Back when I was active drawing for the AkaYona fandom, I never had a lack of things to draw; no matter how dumb the joke or uninspired the art, I always knew I had an audience. 

Now that I have chosen generally not to have any social media audience, there is some pressure to draw “nice” art with wide appeal that I could show anybody. And I’ve drawn, what, maybe three pieces like that? In general, even if I do want to draw, I just don’t have any ideas, and I feel very out of practice. Now, yes, that does bring me back to KnY, but hold your horses, this isn’t turning into a KnY Tumblr!! My watchers are here for AkaYona, not sudden KnY spoilers!! But, yes, I did get a few dumb ideas, and when I get dumb ideas, I draw them, and I made a separate Tumblr to post them so that no one would get spoiled. Now, the really funny part is that my KnY art has virtually gone completely unnoticed for most of its existence out there on the web. XDD Which is fine, there is a lot of good content out there for this fandom, and I’m not used to drawing these characters, so it felt awkward anyway. Let’s return to writing for a moment. Seeing as I have been obsessed with KnY but also generally not getting involved in fandoms, that leaves me to scream at people who know me irl (teeheehee, sorry) about how much I love it, and while telling a friend how much I suffered after reading Chapter 201, and a few ideas I had on how Shueisha might drag the series out or force a sequel, she gave me a tiiiiiiiiiiny bit of encouragement that she would be an audience if I wrote that AU, and 10 days later, I HAD THE WHOLE 60K+ FIC WRITTEN BECAUSE I AM A MONSTER. No, seriously, I didn’t even think for the first couple days that I would actually write it, and then I got a slew of more ideas, and then when I hit my stride, I HAD A DAY WHEN I AM PRETTY SURE I WROTE 20K WORDS WITHIN 20 HOURS AND I AM SO UPSET I DIDN’T PAY MORE ATTENTION TO MEASURE THAT BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD BE A PERSONAL RECORD.

Phew, so anyway. I would like to say I was human again after finishing BUT NOPE, I WAS STILL IN THAT HEAD SPACE AND STARTING COMING UP WITH STUPID JOKES TO BREAK THE TENSION IN MY OWN FANFIC and then I started drawing dumb omake. And then as I kept drawing, I found it. I found my flow again. I actually put some effort into some of those omake. I really liked how they came out. I mean, no one cares about silly omake doodles for an AU fanfic, but I HAD SO MUCH FUN, and that is what McFreakin’ counts.

And that is what brings me back here.

If you are a Kimetsu no Yaiba fan and have read the whole manga, here is my canon divergent AU fic, and there are links to my other Tumblr in each chapter. I’m a liiiittle eager for comments because I am a monster and this is part of what social media does to monsters, but the whole dang thing is already written and I love it anyway even without an audience. But for those of you who would just like to see AkaYona art, or more general Buri-art, that is why I will probably occasionally pop back in here. Like I said, the Ask Box is open, but I won’t check it regularly and will only draw things if I feel inclined. I am also playing with the idea of doing Inktober again this year, and since I have zero interest in Twitter or Instagram, the art would get posted here.

┐(︶▽︶)┌ That is all. Thank you for reading my rambles! See you around a little more at random?

[compassionatereminders]

Do you have any advice on how to distract yourself? I am under so much stress because we are having earthquakes, corona outbrakes, my joints are screaming because of the weather change and i can't draw or play music like i usually do so i need some new distractions. I'm sorry if this is a little negative but idk who else to ask :(. I hope you are doing well, have a nice and calm day

While none of these suggestions are “new”, I’ll try to come up with some ideas for various distractions you can try if you haven’t already. 

Find comfort in the old. In these scary times, don’t be afraid to seek out comfort and distraction in your old faves. Reread that book you loved so much when you were a kid. Play that computer game you played non-stop years ago and then forgot about. Rewatch your favorite childhood show from start to finish. Listen to the band you adored when you were 13. Don’t worry about whether the media in question is considered “cringy” or “cool” nowadays, just find comfort in and rediscover the joys of your childhood and teenage years wherever you can.

Delve into something entirely new. Try watching the first episode of that TV show you’ve been planning to watch but never got around to. Read that book your friend recommended. Listen to some new music. Buy that video game you’ve always wanted to try (if you have the money!) Explore new options for entertainment and distraction with an open mind cause who knows, maybe that show which has been on your to-watch list for three years will turn out to be one of the best ones you’ve ever watched?

Find an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. Whether it’s a private word document, a simple notebook, a fancy scrapbook, your tumblr or your best friends inbox doesn’t matter - but make sure you have a place where you can talk openly and honestly about what you’re thinking or feeling. Whatever you do, don’t bottle everything up! Plus, future historians are going to love finding your quarantine diary.

Do something - anything! While it is fine to spend time doing “nothing” and while it makes sense if you’re struggling to be super productive right now, make sure to occasionally do something active which actually has a tangible result. It doesn’t have to be something big and significant, it just has to be. Bake some cookies. Doodle something cute and put it on the refrigerator. Write a blog post. Clean your desk. Make sure that when the next wave of existential dread inevitably hits you, you can tell yourself “actually I DID do something today and that matters!”

Don’t be afraid to get deeply invested in whatever entertains you. If you really like that podcast, listen to it for hours while doing all your boring but necessary chores. If listening to that band brings you joy, put ‘em on repeat. If that show is really good, binge-watch the shit out of it. Play that video game for hours if you want to. Read that 300.000 word fanfiction in just a couple days. Find joy wherever you can and don’t be afraid to hold on tightly when something actually manages to catch your full attention. 

Try to stay active in whatever ways you can. If you’re abled enough to do so, try to make sure that you move your body in some capacity. Go for a walk or a run if you can, or, if you’re in quarantine, find some indoors exercises you can do. Lots of different beginner level exercise instructions are freely available online, so if you don’t already know what to do, there’s a lot of step by step videos out there which can help you get started. Everything counts, though - including dancing to your favorite music for just a couple minutes or simply getting up to stretch - so don’t feel like you have to force yourself to do more than you can actually manage.

Try not to neglect basic self-care. I know it’s hard to find the energy to take proper care of yourself even when the world ISN’T falling apart, but if you can do just one thing, let that be taking care of your body (and mind!) to the best of your ability. Try to eat regularly, take that shower even though it seems pointless, do your best to make sure you get enough sleep, try to keep your environment somewhat clean and organized… I’m sure you know the drill already. But whatever else you do or don’t do, not taking care of your basic needs will only make everything worse.

Do That Thing! You know that thing you’ve always said you’d love to do at some point but yet you haven’t really found the time or the energy required to actually get started? Well guess what, if you have the energy, now might be a good time to start getting into it. There’s a lot of free online resources out there which can help you get started on almost anything you might be interested in learning. So if you’ve always been thinking that it might be fun to learn Spanish or sign language someday, or if you’ve always wanted to learn how to code, draw anatomically correct people, embroider your own patches, do yoga or bake fancy cakes, try it out. Who knows, you might discover a brand new passion of yours!

Stay in touch with your favorite people. Even if you cannot hang out in person, make sure to stay in touch with your loved ones in whatever ways you safely can. Make sure that you talk to someone, even if it’s via phone calls, skype, facetime, snapchat, discord or whatever else you might personally prefer to use. No, it’s not the same as actually sitting in front of each other in person, but it’s still a whole lot better than not talking to anyone at all. If you’re self-isolating with other people and they aren’t toxic/abusive, make sure you actually talk to them and that you do some fun activities together every once in a while. It’ll all help distract you.

I hope this list manages to inspire you a little! Lots of love!

#natural disasters tw #danger tw #health risk tw #corona virus tw #anon #chat with kat #corona coping

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Daniel Michaelson: He Belongs to Himself

(for @whumptober2019, prompt: Recovery, I wrote a piece set during the trial/post-captivity - this is our second Ryan POV. Thanks to @orchidscript for a couple of lines I borrowed from our convo on the fandom version of this universe and to @pinkcupboardwitch for helping me pick my scenario)

TW: Brief reference to suicidal ideation, violence/torture/abuse (none depicted, but referenced)

Ryan Michaelson falls asleep on the couch with the impact statement he’s been working on a flutter of loose papers on the floor, scratched-out starting sentences and half-written paragraphs, occasional little nonsense doodles in the margins where he tried to think his way through this.

They want him to give some kind of speech, before sentencing. His parents provided a couple of videos and photos of Danny before it all happened, but they haven’t come to the trial since the first week and they’re not interested in speaking on Danny’s behalf.

No, just like the rest of his life, their parents will do the bare minimum for Danny and Ryan will step in to try and fill the gaps, to be brother and parents both. It’s so much harder with so little of Danny left.

How do you even explain what it means to have your brother disappear and then return, only it’s not your brother any longer?

He’s been working on figuring out where to even start with the impact statement since before the trial began, since the initial preparation with the lawyers. He writes a draft and discards it - writes another one and tears that one up, too. Cries for a couple of hours whenever he’s alone in his room, then starts again.

They want him to explain what it was like to lose Danny, and Ryan’s got no fucking clue where to begin.

Does he open with the night Danny didn’t come back to the apartment they shared, wasn’t answering his phone? Does he start with the increasingly frantic calls to all of his friends, to the single thread that ran through them - he said he was going to see that guy he’s been talking to - to the realization that no one could get ahold of Nathaniel Vandrum either?

Does he begin with what it felt like when the cops called to tell Mom they’d found Danny’s car with his cell phone in a puddle of blood on the backseat, abandoned in a ditch in Oregon next to the dead body of the owner of the next car the abductor had stolen? Or when the cops explained to Ryan that the phone had been charged and on for nearly a full day - meaning that whoever had taken him had watched Danny’s phone light up with call after call after call, had kept the phone charged just to see it?

Maybe he could explain, in stomach-churning detail, what happened in his mind when a police officer had sat across the table from him and told him that local law enforcement and the FBI had begun thinking in terms of recovery rather than rescue.

He has no idea. All he knows is that there isn’t any way, not really, to explain what it felt like to be told his brother was missing - presumed abducted - presumed the target of foul play - presumed dead - never coming home.

The weird insanity he’d gone through, thinking his brother was dead. Going from a college sophomore with a 4.0 to a junior who nearly had to drop out when his grades tanked and he spent a year trying to drink himself to death, thinking if he did at least he’d see his brother again.

He couldn’t begin to explain his parents strong-arming him into therapy, telling the therapist all his awful thoughts, sharing emotions with someone when he came from a family where you never did any such thing, and the revelation of the therapist just… giving him permission to grieve, when his parents never did, when he felt like a burden, when he didn’t know how to keep going without the older brother that had always been the surest, most concrete foundation of his world.

Maybe he should start with how it felt to get the call that Danny was alive, that Nathaniel Vandrum had simply driven a truck out of the woods in Western Canada like a goddamn soot-smeared pissed-off Wendigo with his frightened brother, a bag of his favorite books, and one hell of a fucked-up story about the last four years.

Did Wendigos even come from Western Canada? Ryan can’t really remember, his Native North American Folklore & Mythology class was during the drinking-to-death time and he doesn’t remember most of it.

It doesn’t matter.

He could start with the way he’d been elated and scared, the way his stomach had dropped when they’d told him that before he could see Danny, he’d have to talk to some kind of expert about what to expect, so he wouldn’t cause extra anxiety during a stressful reintegration.

He could start with the way the trauma expert had held his hand and told him Danny was severely dissociated - a word he’d never heard before that day - and might not even know who he was right away. The expert had tried to make him understand that Danny had been held in captivity by someone who insisted he was a pet and not a person, had undergone something called extreme dehumanization, more words Ryan hadn’t known before that day and knew all too much about, now.

He could tell them what it was like to see Danny sitting at the table, hunched over and looking at everyone from behind wavy red hair grown out a little longer than when he’d left, blue eyes wide and scared that he’d be in trouble for using a chair and not sitting on the floor, begging someone to tell him where Nate was, to bring him back into the room, could someone find Nate?

He could talk about the way Danny flinched away from his touch but ran to Nathaniel Vandrum.

Maybe he could just talk about how fucking weird it was to have your brother’s sort-of-possibly-a-boyfriend be the fellow captive who freed him, who tried to kill a man to save Danny, and who sleeps in Danny’s bed but as far as Ryan can tell does nothing more than kiss his forehead or his face now and then and hold him through his nightmares.

Maybe he could talk about wanting to shout in Nate Vandrum’s empty fucking face that he should have done something sooner, that he should have saved Danny when more of Danny was left to save, just wanting to grab Nate by the shoulders and shake him and scream why couldn’t you have been stronger for him?

He could talk about how it feels to find yourself snapping at a traumatized man because he has the audacity to be very slightly less traumatized than your brother, and because he’s something to take all of his grief and hurt out on.

Because no matter how hard Nate Vandrum’s jawline gets, no matter how cold and flinty his green eyes go, he never, ever fights back against Ryan’s deep well of unresolved anger.

He just stands there, taking all of Ryan’s yelling, like he’s earned it. And maybe he fucking has. Ryan could tell them all about how looking at Danny’s frightened shattered life makes him want to cut Nathaniel Vandrum’s composure apart, because… because how dare he be so calm and collected, when Danny hides in a closet after breaking a glass, begs to be punished, to be fixed?

He’d been up all night trying to figure it out, and he just can’t think any longer. He’s written line after line after line trying to start and the day they wanted him to give the statement was just a few days away now. What would he say? Anything he said, that asshole Denner would be sitting right there listening to it, probably getting off on how he’d wrecked Ryan’s life by stealing his brother, enjoying getting to learn about Ryan’s halting, grudging work alongside Nate to teach Danny how to be human again.

He’ll probably sit there and laugh through the speech, no matter what Ryan says. He doesn’t want to bare his broken heart to that sadistic psychopath.

He doesn’t want to admit that Danny is so supremely, thoroughly broken.

He doesn’t want to admit that sometimes he wonders if recovery is even possible, or if he would spend the rest of his life managing a man two years older than him who can’t remember his own age or that bills are due or the names of the people who used to be his best friends - but who can explain in exacting, excruciating detail the way Abraham fucking Denner made him step in a trap and nearly break his own leg, just to see him do it?

Ryan’s eyes blur, with tears or exhaustion - he’s not sure which - and finally he falls asleep on the couch with Netflix still playing, lets the papers drop to the floor, allows his eyes to close and force him out of his fears and all-consuming rage on behalf of a brother who seems no longer able to access the feelings that boil Ryan alive.

Ryan wakes up sometime later to the gentle sensation of a soft fuzzy blanket being placed carefully over him. 

He shifts around, mumbling thanks and starting to drift back away, and for a second it’s like nothing had ever happened, really - like maybe he’s just fallen asleep studying, and Danny will be right there to laugh at him in the morning for not even making it back to bed.

The sound of the papers being shuffled back together wakes him the rest of the way and he groans, feeling the muscles of his back shifting around as he pushes himself up, rubbing at one eye. “Fuck, what time is it?”

If Nate Vandrum just put a blanket on him - if that passive asshole is reading Ryan’s halting attempts to explain the pain and grief he’s spent four years buried in - he might just punch him in the face. We’re not friends, motherfucker - you’re just the only person he’ll willingly touch, and I can’t bear to take anything away from him ever again, he’s already lost so much.

“2:45 in the morning, you fell asleep with Netflix still going,” Danny’s voice says calmly, and Ryan nearly jolts totally upright on the couch in shock.

Danny doesn’t look up, kneeling on the floor by the coffee table with his red hair falling over his face looking nearly auburn in the dark, carefully setting the pile of papers on the table before flicking at a miniscule, invisible speck of dust there. He’s shirtless, just wearing the warm, heavy flannel pajama pants that he’d asked Ryan to buy him, shyly, like Ryan could ever deny him anything he actually expressed a want for.

You were dead for four years, Ryan had said, wanting so badly to hug him, knowing at the same time that Danny would only go stiff in his arms and then suddenly go boneless and relaxed all at once in the awful way he’d been trained to accept any and every touch without complaint. You were dead and came back to life, Danny, I’ll give you anything you want for forever, man, just ask for it and it’s yours.

My name is Red. I-I just want some pajama pants that are really, um, warm and maybe with, uh, fleece on the, the inside-

Of course, of course I’ll get those, I’ll buy you a pair for every fucking day of the week.

Th-thank you for that. I get, um, I get cold a lot  now. Thank you for listening to my request, Ryan. Thank you for being kind enough to give me-

Hey, this is just doing something nice. Don’t thank me, Danny.

Red, my name is Red, please, um, don’t call me the other name. When someone does something nice for you, you say thank you. Be grateful for every gift you are given, Danny had recited, he’s tilted, eyes distant. And every breath is a gift Abraham chooses to give.

Even in the darkness, Ryan can see the lines of scarring that run down his brother’s back and wrap up his arms, the oddly muscled shoulders (chopping firewood for hours is a good shoulder workout but I skipped a lot of leg days, Danny had joked one day, and Ryan had been so shocked by his brother showing a hint of a sense of humor that he hadn’t even remembered how to laugh), the ribs that stand out too much and the sharp hipbones showing above the waistband of his pants.

When Danny turns to look at him, the blue eyes are quiet for once, warm and focused right on him instead of fogged-over and frightened. The ring of scarring across his face is less obvious, with only the moon for light.

In those unexpectedly clear eyes he can see Danny, his big brother, and Ryan can’t do anything but stare. Are you still in there somewhere after all?

“What are you, uh, doing up, man?” Ryan rubs at his eyes again, but hesitantly, like Danny might disappear if he does. On the TV screen, Netflix is asking if he’s still watching and Ryan feels immensely, supremely judged by it.

Of course the fuck not, I wasn’t even watching -before- I fell asleep at midnight.

“Dreaming,” Danny says casually, off-handedly, as if ‘dream’ isn’t just a code word for ‘nightmare’ now, because it’s not like Danny has any other kind of dream. “Came out for water and found you on the couch. You look, um, you look cold, Ryan. Is… is it okay? To put the blanket on?”

“Yeah… yeah, of course it was. Thanks for that. I don’t even have the energy to get up and go to bed, I feel totally wiped.”

Danny nods, watching him carefully still. Then he drops his eyes back to the sheaf of papers on the coffee table. “Is that what you’re, um, you’re going to read about me?”

Ryan swallows hard against the lump in his throat and a deep instinctive urge to pull the papers away. Please don’t look at how hurt and scared I was, things were so much worse for you. I don’t want you to feel guilty for this. “Yeah. I suck at this, though, I barely have anything written.“

“You’ll, um, you’ll do good, I know you will.” Danny shifts around on his knees, looking up at Ryan, and it’s just such a welcome change to see him with clear eyes. “You’re not going to do a recording? You’re going to, um, to stand up in the, in the court?”

“Yeah.” Ryan drops his head back, staring up at the ceiling in thought. “I have my suit picked out already - the red one? Looks good with my skin. Funny that I know what suit I’m going to read in but no fucking clue what to actually say.”

“You’ll know when you stand up, you’re always good at speaking to people. Or you used to be.” Danny hesitates, and Ryan thinks again how young he looks, something about the uncertainty in his posture, the wide blue eyes, the mop of wavy red hair that hangs over one eye. “I think you probably still are - I guess I don’t, um, I don’t know any longer.”

If you met Danny and Ryan on the street, you’d never guess Danny was two years older… but you might guess, just by looking, that Danny is profoundly, deeply fucked up - and that Ryan is profoundly exhausted.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m probably the same. I don’t want to do it, but I do at the same time, you know?” Ryan flings an arm over his eyes, wondering why he’s so awake when he’s only even been asleep for a couple of hours, really. “It doesn’t matter what I say, does it? He doesn’t even want to be found Not Guilty. He doesn’t care.”

“Maybe not. But you should do it anyway, for you.” Danny hesitates, and then Ryan blinks and lowers his arm to stare as he feels the barest, nervous brush of Danny’s hand against his shoulder.

He turns to look down into wide blue eyes and a tense half-smile, Danny’s shoulders hunched a little, up near his chin, the curve of the scar along his cheekbone traveling down the side of his face and cutting into his jaw, lit by dim moonlight and nothing else until the red seems paler, more faded.

Danny is more than six feet tall but ever since he came back, he seems so, so much smaller. Something about the way he folds into himself, makes himself less visible and less of a presence in the world.

“… Hey, you, you haven’t, um-” Ryan cuts himself off, afraid speaking it out loud will break the spell. 

You haven’t touched me since the night before you disappeared.

“I want you to speak. You’ll do really well,” Danny says with pure certainty in his voice - and it’s his voice, the voice Ryan remembers as the basic building block of his entire life. Danny had been a kid when he was adopted, but Ryan was still a toddler - and he had no memories Danny wasn’t a part of.

Not until four and a half years ago.

There’s a moment where Ryan doesn’t move, just feels the soft weight of the hand on his shoulder - Danny’s hands are sort of ruined, scarred and numb to temperature changes, but the weight of his touch is the same.

The same and so much more, all at once.

“Okay. I will, I promise. I’ll figure it out. You should head back to bed. If Nate wakes up, he’ll freak out if you’re not there.”

“He’ll come out and see I’m right here.” Danny shrugs, looking at him for a moment longer with those calm, thoughtful eyes - the opposite of how he’d looked since they brought back what was left of Daniel Michaelson for Ryan to try and put back together - but it wasn’t really an expression he’d ever worn before, either. “I don’t mind being awake. I don’t need much sleep now. I’ll nap while you’re in court, anyway.”

I know, Ryan thinks with a dip of despair. You sleep in the closet when we’re gone and you think we don’t know.

He fights it back and smiles, a little, reaching up carefully to lay his hand over Danny’s, sure he’ll pull away - but he doesn’t.

It feels like a goddamn miracle, but his brother doesn’t pull away from his touch.

Danny’s hand is cold, under his, and Ryan can feel the bumpy silk-soft ridges of scarring where that fucking bastard had sliced along over the tops of his veins, over and over again, creating a raised roadmap of the torture he’d put Danny through for his own sick entertainment.

“You should tell them about when we got super drunk at the company Christmas party and Mom and Dad caught us playing literal music videos off YouTube in the conference room and laughing at the Meatloaf one.“ Danny’s voice is a little dreamy, wistful.

"Y-you remember that?” Ryan’s voice goes soft. There were rules, Danny has explained again and again. One rule was to never think about Danny’s life before - to forget there had ever been anything else.

Danny’s memory is shot to hell from all the blows to the head and four years of nonstop panic and fear and being trained like an animal, kept like a pet. He barely remembers his own birthday.

But… but he remembers this.

“That was a couple months before I… um, left. I used to think about it all the time.” Danny looked away from him, briefly, and the line of his face, the profile, strikes Ryan all over again.

He took it for granted for so, so long before the morning Danny hadn’t come home and didn’t answer the phone.

Ryan was never going to take it for granted again.

“You never talk this much anymore,” Ryan says softly, marveling at the simple sound of his brother’s voice devoid of pleading or begging or reciting the parade of awful rules Abraham Denner forced him to memorize and live by. “I miss your voice.”

Danny just looks at him, and it’s silent in the middle of the night, the darkest hours. No birds outside, the apartment complex is quiet.

“That’s what you can do.” Danny’s voice is caught, thin and oddly strained.

“What?”

“Tell them you missed my voice.” He is still, so still, and then he seems to propel himself up off the floor to wrap his arms around Ryan, burying his head against his shoulder.

It has been four and a half years since Danny hugged him.

Ryan’s arms are up and around him too, feeling his brother’s chill skin, Danny’s hair brushing his forearm where his arms go around his neck. He can feel the raised bumps of scarring at the top of his back above his shoulder blades, the spots around his neck where Denner made him wear a barbed wire collar for days at a time, the way Danny’s shoulders are heavy muscle with skin stretched over it, without even an ounce of excess.

Danny starts to shake, and it’s only when Ryan hears the softest hissed intake of breath and feels dampness along the neckline of his T-shirt that Ryan realizes his big brother is crying.

“I’m so sorry,” Danny whispers in a broken, cracking voice, and Ryan feels Danny twisting his fingers into the fabric of his shirt just over his spine. The soft blanket slides down and away until it puddles around his waist where he still sits on the couch, holding onto the tall, lanky older brother who once used to hold him like this after his nightmares.

But God, Danny’s nightmare had lasted so much longer.

“I’m sorry,” Danny repeats, his voice shaking and thick with the tears that fall despite his best efforts to hold them back. “I’m so sorry, Ryan, I’m so sorry, I missed you so much… I, I’m sorry that I’m not the same person, that I came back the puppy, I’m so sorry that this is all that’s left, I know it’s not enough-… I’m s-s-so fucking sorry-”

“Sssshhhh,” Ryan says with his arms as tight as he can make them, as though Danny might disappear again if he doesn’t keep him firmly attached to the earth. “Ssshhh, don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault, it’s never been your fault, I love you. You’re my big brother, still, okay?” He pulls back, gently extricating himself from Danny, putting a hand on either side of his face to look right into the blue eyes, still bright with more tears unshed, tear tracks following the line of his scars down his face.

Ryan’s own eyes start to glitter in the darkness, and he tries to blink back the tears but when he speaks, his voice has all his emotion laid bare in it, too. “I never stopped looking for you, not ever. I looked every day. I’d still look every day. I would never have stopped looking for you, for the rest of my life.”

“I never stopped thinking about you,” Danny says tremulously, putting his hands up over Ryan’s. "He, he made me stop thinking about anything but him but he couldn’t hurt me enough to make me stop thinking about you-”

Then they’re hugging again and it’s so quiet in the apartment, so quiet except for the sound of two grown men crying on each other’s shoulders.

“This is enough,” Ryan whispers against the top of Danny’s hair. “It’s enough that any of you came back to me, okay? We c-c-can find the rest, I can help you remember, I can help. This is enough. You’re enough, Danny-” He catches himself and winces. “Sorry. I mean Red.”

There’s a pause, and Ryan can feel his brother’s heart pounding. When Danny pulls back Ryan’s heart drops, but his brother just looks into his eyes and smiles, the barest little hint of one, and says softly, “Danny is, is okay, for now.”

Ryan’s breath is caught somewhere in his throat, and he pulls his older brother back into his arms. “Danny, then,” Ryan says with half-sobbed laughter. “Danny. Danny Danny Danny Danny.”

“Daniel,” Danny says with a shaking voice, as though Denner might simply appear out of thin air to punish him. Then, when nothing happens, Danny repeats it. “Danny. Daniel. My name is Danny. My name is Daniel M-Michaelson and I, I d-don't…be, belong to…”

“You got this, Danny, come on,” Ryan urges. “You can do this. Come on, Dan, we can do this together.”

“M-My name is Daniel Michaelson and I don’t belong to him, I don’t-… I don’t belong to anyone b-b-b-but myself,” Danny says softly, and then he starts to cry again.

Ryan holds him but it’s different this time - his shoulders are back and his back is straight and every sob sounds not like fear or sadness but like pure, unbridled relief.

It probably won’t last - the trauma expert and the therapist both said to expect every two forward steps to come with a step back. He might wake up and want to be Red again tomorrow. He’ll probably go back to not wanting to be touched by anyone but Nate.

But right here and now, in this moment in the middle of the night in the safest place there is for him, Danny remembers who he used to be, and it’s eough.

Suddenly, Ryan Michaelson knows exactly how he wants to start the statement he’s going to read while staring right at Abraham Denner.

A few days ago, my brother hugged me for the first time since 2015. My brother, who was subjected to every kind of twisted violence until he believed that it was too dangerous to even think of himself as human, answered to his own name.

I want to tell you how it feels to be told someone you love has been abducted. I want to tell you how it feels to look and look every single day for four years and find nothing - and be told that you should prepare for him to return in a body bag.

I want to tell you how it felt to learn that, due to the violence, abuse, brainwashing, and trauma he was subjected to, my own brother might not recognize me.

I want to tell you how it felt when they told me Daniel Michaelson was gone.

Then, I want to tell you how it felt when, despite all the odds and every statistic and the efforts of Abraham Denner to destroy my brother down to his very core, I was given the gift of looking him right in the eyes as he came back.

My brother’s name is Daniel Michaelson, and he belongs only to himself.

That might not seem like much of a revelation to many of the people here in this courtroom today - but for my brother, it takes immense bravery simply to believe he is his own.

I have been asked to speak about the impact the last four years has had on my family, and I will. I will speak about every day I combed missing persons’ reports throughout the Northwest Coast for similarities to Danny. I will tell you what it was like to lose him.

First I want to tell you what it meant to me to get him back.

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