#and its. its not even sexy. its just fucking miserable. you cant fucking have a new light or perspective on this

[dog-teeth]

is there anything you wish you had known before starting T? are there any effects that you dislike? sorry if this is too personal, i'm just trying to make sure i'm making a good decision. i'm agender but i want to present more masc but i'm scared that i'll end up hating the effects of T even though there are some things that i really really want from it. also, i love your art!

no worries im honestly fine with talking about almost all transition/gender related stuff! im gonna talk (p non-explicitly) about sex and body stuff so i’ll put this under the cut

there aren’t any effects i dislike. when i started there were things that i was very nervous for because i thought i would hate them but ended up loving them. i prefer almost everything i experience on hrt, or i don’t care about it, so for example i LOVE my voice now & i love the way T makes me feel emotionally (both physiologically and psychologically), but i don’t care about having facial hair because i always shave it but it’s not that much of a hassle and sometimes stubble is cute. i don’t care for the body hair either bc i was already basically as hairy as a cis man pre-T, i even liked my old leg hair better because the texture was less coarse. the only thing i like better not on T is sexual sensations, but honestly i dont have sex so it doesn’t matter lol. i was v scared for bottom growth and was certain i would hate it but it actually rules i love it (i don’t love that i need like three times as much lube now tho cuz ur ability to naturally lubricate goes way down) also this was one of the most uncomfortable changes at first cuz it makes the clit very tender and sensitive and it will rub against your underwear and be really uncomfy with friction, so make sure u have soft underwear and loose pants. sorry for talking about my genitalia but tbh there is nowhere near enough information about trans bodies and its one of the least discussed aspects of hrt.

however, i was not always this content with taking T! it was a rocky start! there’s nothing that bothers me now, but when i was first starting, a lot bothered me. i was SO sweaty for NO reason, my voice HONKED like a third of the time i opened my mouth, i was VERY ANGRY very quickly, and i was so so hungry!!! snacking forever!! all of these things mellowed out over the first few months, i’m back to not sweating very much and being able to speak like a human person and my anger is actually significantly more manageable than it was pre-T because it comes and goes easily which means i no longer fester deep frustration and anger all the time. i think my appetite leveled out but it’s still higher than before, i gained a couple pounds but it wasn’t a lot.

i don’t want to pressure or sway anyones decision to take hrt, but i would say that your body and mind are so very capable of adapting to new things & even if you end up not liking some parts of hrt you will be able to deal with them and move on, and most of the things that are nerve-wracking end up being fine. its super super scary to try taking hrt since so much is permanent changes to your body. but you can always take a low dose to make the changes happen slower, and like i said you get used to things way easier than you think you will.

i was really really really scared and uncertain when i started T, but i’m so glad i made the jump to do it! i could never have imagined how much it would improve my life! there were so many things i was terrified of - doing irreparable “damage” to my body, regretting it, being read as male, certain specific physical effects, etc. i also didn’t know anybody irl who took T, just my beautiful lovely trans woman friend who started E years ago while we were friends, so seeing her go through the process inspired me a lot. we r both so sexy now like we were sexy before but honestly hrt has made us unstoppable & i love it for us. i definitely couldn’t have done it without her support. i’m getting off track, my point was that i didn’t know anybody on T so i couldn’t see firsthand what it was like, i was basically my own experiment, and it was so scary. but eventually i reached the mindset of “i’m so fucking miserable and something needs to change and i’m not 100% certain it’s this but i need to try because i can’t spend the rest of my life wondering about it and if i do end up hating it i’ll just fucking deal with it from there” i would def recommend being more certain than i was but i do think theres a lot about hrt you just wont know how youll react to until it happens. above all my fears, i just wanted it, and all my fears were very surface-level (what if i hate my body [i already hate my body] what if i hate how people percieve me [i already hate how people percieve me] what if it makes me miserable [i’m already miserable] what if i regret taking it [what if i regret not taking it or i miss out on an opportunity to be happy] )

i cant tell you if T is the right choice for you, but i can tell you that i also had fears and uncertainties before starting, and that if you do end up hating it you’ll be able to adapt.

#ez answers #hrt #t #testosterone #gender stuff #Anonymous

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

[hhawkeye]

Look, try and imagine, if you will, Hawkeye, somewhere in his fifties, seeing the news about Stonewall. And say he decided, the next year, to go find a protest/parade to join in honour of Stonewall. And say, just for a second, that he pulled out his old 'Nam protest equipment to do so. And wonder, just for a moment, how he'd handle the HIV/AIDS epidemic, refusing to retire because people need him.

ok ok ok like. heres the thing! heres the thing i generally am... kind of :/ about “hey how would (character) deal with (real event that actually impacted the lives of millions of actual real people)” scenarios bc they feel. disrespectful even if that wasnt the intention ? HOWEVER. that being said. i cant say shit here because mash is literally about fictional characters in a fictional unit in a fictionalised version of the korean war and yknow. theres a lot that has been said and can be said about the impact it had on peoples perception of war and how fiction can and will impact how we feel about reality etc etc i know this. i Know this. i know this anon and i love you.

so with that disclaimer out of the way, and acknowledging it is currently 6am and i havent slept all night:

firstly hawkeye protesting the vietnam war is genuinely so sexy. i know how i sound when i say this but it is true. it is true and i need people to know it.

SECONDLY i think. christ ok heres the thing i think hawkeye would just be so fucking angry about the way the us government (and yknow, The World) handled the aids epidemic and like. even if he wasnt bi or whatever! even if he was cishet! he would be so so so angry about it! and i dont even think thats like. a controversial thing to say i dont think its like “wow hey how do you think he’d feel about it?” like textually we KNOW he would be incandescent with rage and would do all he could to help people and yknow. not let people die for no reason while the government sits there and just. lets it happen. like we know this! this is an actual fact about him! and its sooooo.

re: stonewall HONESTLY honestly. lot of thoughts about hawkeye in new york in general. lot of thoughts! lot of thoughts about post war hawkeye and what he Actually does and i think. well. he needs therapy babes. but aside from that i think moving to new york would be good for him because first of all. fucking look at the guy hes from new york. secondly i do think small town hawkeye is good but i also think big city hawkeye is like. yes babes get out there! meet new people! make a friend honey u deserve a friend who isnt yknow. terrible or from The War. like please for the love of god 😭 THIRDLY either that or he moves to san francisco to live with bj which i mean. same shit different city right. ANYWAY i think getting involved in the gay scene would be good for him however i also think he might end up like. obsessively trying to help people who are living miserable lives due to homophobia and transphobia etc and its like ok you cant save everyone babes its ok. breathe. anyway what the fuck gay little hawkeye. its 6:30am and i have to get ready for work now. this last paragraph was incoherent mostly because my alarm kept going off in the middle of my thoughts.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Amiright?

Summery- 2.1k. Colin x Y/N. A fun night out brings up some questions. So this was written for @official-and-unstable-satan​ gif challenge. If you wanna participate, head on over and join in, more then happy to nominate you if you desire. I did break the rules a bit with that opening gif, but it does appear before the final gif. Im not much of one to follow the rules, sorry peeps. I roll my own way. 

You and Colin had a easy relationship. It was never really all that serious, you two never even made it “official”. The two just melded one day into this more then best friends with benefits, you were his unofficial girlfriend, a term you thought yourself to be. You unfortunately would freeze up at the idea of official girlfriend, i mean... thats to serious, isnt it?

 He looked out for you, and you looked out for him. Long days at work, he would surprise you with your favorite take out spread on the coffee table, and then you would sit between his legs, his arms wrapped around you while you both played the newest video game. He would make it out like you totally kicked his ass, stealing kisses and nibbles when he wanted to distract you and usually before the night was done, the video controllers were forgotten for a quickie on the couch, often times the video games music was your new sexy time theme song. 

Then other times, he would drag you out of the apartment. His grin boyish as he insisted you change from your work outfit, unbuttoning your blouse and running a hand over the lacy cups of your bra. “Fuck I love this number on you, when we come back, I should peel you right out of this with my teeth.” Your breath hitched, you would like that very much. Placing a kiss to your lips, he smirked “but not right now. I have something else in mind. Something sporty lil minx.” 

“Where are we going?” You question, digging through your closet. “Im not sure of how to dress!”

“Anything babe! Comfy clothes!” He went into the closet you currently were a bit lost in, and reached over you to grab your sweat pants and a tshirt. You look at them with an arched brow and snort while taking them. “You high classing me up Stud?” 

He winked as he pulled on his old beat up grey zip up. “You know it sexy, aint no one got nothing on you.” 

Laughing, the two of you stumble out the door and his arm wrapped around you your waist, holding you in against his side, you followed him along, chatting a bit about your day since he wasnt spilling what the two of you were doing.

But soon enough you two came up to the local gymnasium and he dug out a key from his pocket, unlocking the doors and slipping in. As the two of you walked in, a few lights sprung on and you wiggled out of his hold and sprang forward to do a cartwheel, landing half hazardly back on your feet. “Ta-Da!” giggling as you reach up to pull your hair back into a ponytail, snapping the band you kept around your wrist around. Colin grabbed a nearby basketball and lazily dribbled it as he sauntered towards you across the court. “How did you get the key to this place?”

“I know a guy who knows a guy, who needed a gig played this weekend. Figured we needed a night out baby, and what better then playing Horse?” Another dribble and you put your hands to your hips watching him, you were always down for the thrill of the challenge. Competitive little minx that you are. And he was right, you two had been holed up in the apartment for a tad to long. 

“Well lets make it interesting Colin.” you state, holding your hands out for the ball. “Every missed shot, we get to pick something to loose.” He cocked a brow and raked his eyes over you. “Game on babygirl.“ He tossed you the ball ,and smirked, watching as you picked your spot. Off to the left side of the court, along the edge, you dribble a few times and then with a small jump, flick of your wrist, you sent the ball flying, and hell you made this shot a hundred times growing up. That ball gave a sweet sweet swish snap, and Colin rolled his eyes. “easy, I got this.” Jogging for the ball, he swooped it up and zig zagging over to you, showing off, you step from where you stood while he went to make his shot. 

“Its harder then it looks” you claim, and he winks. 

“Im winning this baby, your gonna look awful good running around all bare ass naked in here while I claim my trophey.” And sure enough he to made the shot. 

“Oh you think your gonna get that far? Whats your trophey?” 

“Why your panties of course.”

Oh fuck, game on boy, you thought and grabbing the ball, you chose your next spot, further away, towards the middle of the court. When you went to make your shot, he snapped your ass with his palm, making you squeek and shoot it way off, not even hitting the back board. “COLIN!” His laughter echoing as he tugged on your shirt. “Off it comes!” 

“That was cheating you bastard” you stick your tongue out as you jerk it over your head and toss it over his shoulder. He grasped your chin and drew your teasing tongue into his mouth, wrangling a moan from you before releasing you.

"Fighting dirty is encouraged babygirl, I thought you knew that" you narrowed your eyes at him as he jogged for the ball, the bouncing echoing while he assessed where he wanted to shoot from. Once he picked, you sauntered in front of him, leaving enough space so he could shoot, but you knew what could distract him. Since they distracted him 20 times a day without even trying. His hand was always snaking up your shirt to play with your breasts. 

Just as he was about to shoot, your hands shot up and giving a luscious lip parting, moan, plumping the swells together, his eyes immediately fell from the hoop to where they were spilling over the top, and sure enough his shot went WAY WAY off the mark. A drop of your hands and the wiggle of the brows, you snicker. 

“Loose the shirt hot stuff!” You tug on his hoodie, and pull down the zipper for him, leaning up to catch his lips in a kiss, fully meant to draw his focus from the game. Tiny nips, flick of the tongue trailing over his full bottom lip and then pulling away before he can get the satisfaction of tasting your kiss. A frustrated groan fell from his chest, and he shrugged off the shirt. 

The back and forth was fierce. Colin got the satisfaction of getting the next few shots, and much to your disdain at this, you shed off your belt, pants and one sock. He did let you keep on one sock, how sweet of him. While you were following along behind him, hooking your hand into his belt loops and tugging on him from behind as he takes a random jumping shot, falling back into you. 

“Ha, you missed baby, Pants, they are finally mine!” 

He doesnt even hesitate to unzip them and tug them off, a smirk playing off his mouth. 

So his next statement threw you off axis, put a pause to your laughter, tilted your whole world off kilter. You dont know why it would scare you so much. 

“My girlfriend is free to take my pants off whenever she pleases.” With a toss he shot them in the pile of clothing you accumulated. 

But you couldnt see that, he called you his girlfriend, girlfriend. You werent anything, never have been. 

“What? Im not your girlfriend.”

He just looked at you a bit weird and picked up the ball. “Of course you are Y/N, we practically live together now, Im just waiting for my lease to end on my apartment.” 

“Oh no buddy.” Your hands go to your hips with a shake of the head “We never said we were anything.” Pointing between the two of you, good mood gone as his face turned serious listening to you. 

“Then what has this all been? You cant tell me nothing Y/N, its been like a year” You already had turned on your heels. You werent running away, no, not at all. You werent terrified that he might have cared about you more then in a friendly way, although you both know thats the biggest mother fucking lie you told yourself in that moment when he was saying your name, trying to get an answer. 

Your gathering your clothes when he grasps your arm. “Will you just stop for a moment Y/N and talk to me?” 

“I cant, I got to work tomorrow.” You lamely make an excuse, fuck work. 

“You know, I knew I god damn knew you would pull this shit Y/N the minute I said it was anything. You know why? Your so damned scared of actually wanting something, you wont say it. Think its gonna blow all up in your face, amiright?” His words running together as you wrench your arm out and you glare at him. 

“Im not the one who just assumed anything asshole.” Your temper flaring to hide anything other then what you really want to say. And you leave Colin standing there in shock, in the middle of the gymnasium, the lights glaring over him and you resolve not to look back as you slam out the door, but you hear him, a string of cusses following you outside in his anger and your name, your name calling you back, to not run away. But run away you did. 

He didnt come back that night, not to your apartment, you heard the slamming of his door across the hallway and you curled up in bed feeling completely miserable about what had happened, how you reacted and maybe he was right, you had some kind of commitment issue after years of self esteem issues. Ones he always talked you through. 

“Babes your so damn smart, what would I do without you?!” Helping him put together a lyric for his music, the words would just come to you. 

“Come on, its not that bad, let me read.” Sneaking a peek over your shoulder at a short writing piece you were indulging yourself in. 

“Kicking ass and taking names” High fiving you after a particularly difficult boss in the video game. 

“Baby you eat today? How about a grilled cheese?” on those days you just couldnt get your shit together and remember to feed yourself. A water bottle being tossed at you. 

“God damn your so beautiful” Early morning wake ups, his arm locking you in close, and not allowing you to leave him for a few moments. A kiss to your shoulder and light nibble to your neck before you really had to start the day. 

It hurt he wasnt there now, the bed felt hollowed and you buried your face in the pillow. Why did you do this to yourself? He tried to text a few times, but you bypassed them, not having an answer for him. He would want one, Curtis didnt just let things go. ‘what are you never going to talk to me again?’ was his last one. Then the phone went silent.  

 The night turned into days, and it turned into the longest three damn days you could recall. Then the third night as you were nursing a beer, secretly listening for the door across the hall, there was a knock, a soft rapt that made you spring up out of your seat. Setting the bottle aside, you unlocked your door and peered out. Opening the door wider, there was Colin, not in his usual band tees, and jeans, or that stupid zip up you missed, no he was dressed up, tie and everything. 

“Hi Y/n” he smiled, fidgeting a bit, he seemed so out of his norm. You shyly look down, picking at your rather unfancy attire. 

“Hi Colin, you look good” 

“Do I? I wouldnt know” He teased and reached out to lift your face with a tilt of his fingers under your chin. “But theres an important woman whom deserves it.” Your brows come together, clearly unsure of what he meant. “Y/N, I didnt mean to scare you off, I should have done this right, not just assume you wanted the same thing I did. Im hoping you do, but if you dont... then I will respect that. Will you date me, be my girlfriend?” 

Seeing him now, those uncalled for fears still lingered, but you wanted this. You wanted him, and the past few days showed just how much he actually meant to you, maybe you both were taking each other for granted. 

“Yes Colin, I cant believe you still want to after I was such an asshole” 

“Nah, you werent an asshole.” He stepped in closer, and kissed your forehead. “Okay, maybe a teeny bit, but I was a big dick for not talk to you about it, so that makes us pretty even right?” 

You laugh listening to him and tug on his tie, dragging him into the apartment. Fuck you missed this. 

@what-is-your-plan-today​ im just gonna tag you in everything till your like “STOP” lmao

#colin x reader #chris evans #god he was such a baby here

[sassystarkinator]

The Stark & Storm Encounter -Part 2

@flaming-shield​

Tony couldn’t help but let his eyes linger all over his gorgeous back and ass, and even pouted  a little as the jeans, although perfectly covered the fine ass, it still covered it from his sight. He broke away from his ass and looked him in the face and smirked “Pfft, you’re sorry for being topless when you crash landed fully naked in front of me, yeah okay Mister ‘I'm naked ninety percent of the time” he flashed him a grin, he knew that with that heat, his clothes wouldn’t withstand much, that’s when his genius mind thought maybe he could come up with a set of clothes that would combust for him, shaking his head, he had only just met the man, he wasn’t going to take over his life or appear like it.

Walking over to his top thrown over the sofa, he grabbed it and threw it in his lab then turned back and faked a gasp at the man, grabbing his reactor “Hire someone who knows what they’re doing??? Oh honey, Im too expensive “ he smirked, making his way over to the rubble as well and began picking up and placing pieces into the same nice and neat pile.  “I think you banged your head, I’ll have to do a full body check later to find out” there he went again, flirting with the man, my God he hadn’t flirted with someone like this in……forever. He had the odd flirt but people were far too easy and Tony grew far too bored, but with Johnny it bounced between them so naturally, something he really wasn’t used too. The had gone from awkwardness to this natural and lighthearted flirting, he was enjoying every second around this man and he hadn’t even noticed he hadn’t had a single drop of scotch today, nor had he felt miserable. Okay, Mr Stark you are definitely dreaming all this.

He paused lifting up a piece of rubble, only to have to put it down when he realised how heavy it was being held and blinked at Johnny “You know my weakness?” he smirked a little, of course he did, although Tony couldn’t remember actually making it public knowledge, it didn’t really surprise him that Johnny knew and he wasn’t angry at all, he was impressed, no one had really wanted to treat him before, especially with something he liked and not just them.

A furrow of a frown creased his brow as heard him say he would call someone, sometime. He didn’t mention a name, he didn’t even seem like anyone would miss him. He half expected him to at least mention his sister and call her or call her later, but ‘someone, sometime’ sounded so……lonely. Was he really as lonely as Tony Stark was? He felt sad that Johnny didn’t have anyone he wanted to rush off and call, letting them know he was okay. He sighed slowly and placed his hand on his shoulder “Make sure you do though…” his tone was soft yet serious “I know damn well if I didn’t know where you were, I’d worry you’re in ditch hurt somewhere and no, I don’t think you’re a screw up either. My mind goes to worst case scenario though and I….care.”  He felt almost like he was sounding like a stalker and just shyly smile, a smile that was rarely seen on the lips of Tony Stark and yet here it was in front of Johnny. Grinning a little “Hey you are always welcomed here but if you come with your brother in law, F.R.I.D.A.Y may not let you in, she can be a brat when he's around for some reason. I guess she doesn’t like him” he shrugged a little, he ha given her enough freedom to make determinations about individuals and she definitely made her presence known with someone she didn’t like and Dr Reed was for sure one of them.

As he watched him stand up and place his hands on those sexy hips, asking how the ‘magic’ worked he grinned and stood fully up himself “Well it probably is ‘magic’ compared to Reed’s borin…..” he stopped “Long methods” Chewing on his lower lip, he didn’t want to say anything bad about his brother in law and grabbed his arm, tapping the side of the device on Johnny’s wrist and lifting it up to the ceiling as a holographic grid began to cover the hole, holding his arm a little more, as he felt him slightly flinch. “I'm more of a visual man, I take in more by seeing something rather than reading it. Besides, I get easily bored so don’t like faffing about with a ladder and tape measure time consuming way only to end up with either not enough or too much material left at the end. If I’m going to do something, I want it done properly, but that’s me. This device allows me to see it all almost instantly, its connected to F.R.I.D.A.Y as well and she can connect to any system to assist me. Everything here, she has access to and she keeps up and running. I really would be lost without her” his last sentence drifted off, he knew to the rest of the world she was just an A.I but to Tony she was the only friend he really had and he knew how sad that sounded as well. He licked his lips and focused back on the holographic grid the wrist device was showing them both, grabbing Johnny’s other hand , he waved it to the left slightly and another holographic display came across, showing exactly what they needed, the tools and how much of materials. Tony smiled, the device smoothly taking to Johnny’s movements as if it was his own. He glanced towards the ceiling, or what was left at it, even though F.R.I.D.A.Y was everywhere, he always looked ‘up’ to look at her and smiled, as if he was telling her a silent thank you for accepting Johnny.

It was his time to flinch a little because before he knew it, the entire floor was covered in the blue holographic layout of the city herself which made him smile. Before Johnny could apologise or think he screwed it up, which he hadn’t, he grinned and walked along the holographic city with a smile “Good imagery work there, Johnny. I'm impressed, it’s normally only been me that can operate it so smoothly. You're a quick learner” he found the stark tower and walked along the two blocks past the fantastic four tower and then crouched down to a small shop near the corner of one the streets “Now THIS right here serves the best cheeseburgers in the world. We simply cant be friends if you disagree” he smirked playfully then rose back to his feet, waving his own hand with his own device over the holographic scene making it disappear. Using his small ‘thrusters’, thankful he didn’t need his whole suit, he flew to the outside part of the roof, walking around the edge of the opening.

Tony looked down at Johnny, a smirk plastered upon his lips. “I would give you a hand up, but really it’ll just be another excuse to see that ass of yours and I don’t really want any onlookers seeing” it was a playful smirk he gave him, before using his stabilizers to jump and land in front of Johnny, trying not to get distracted by the thoughts of wanting to kiss him again, he wanted to take him to bed as well, but at the same time he wanted to wait, he didn’t want to rush things and it just be another one night stand, he knew already Johnny could never be that to him, that no matter what, Johnny would always be more than anything he had ever had or known before and that itself scared and excited the billionaire.

“Its mainly inside damage, the outside has sharper edges, it’s the inside that looks more like a shattered entry , but then again the outside is made more of a stronger material than the inside” he looked over at Johnny and smiled “I like it” he walked into his lab then dragged huge pieces of material in, not saying where they had come from and looked over to Johnny “ So, you just going to fuck me with those pretty eyes or help me out?” he winked and chuckled “Im wanting that cheeseburger so let get a move on”.

#johnny storm tony stark marvel roleplay au

[gayspock]

dont rb its simply little emo moments for yourself truly

mm. thought of eating makes me feel ill. cant take my meds on an empty stomach or i get faint&dizzy. shouldn’t keep screwing with meds like this & unsure of wht brought it all on. bc nothins happened. and i wasnt doin so badly - at least, with regards to that  - for the past while, but gggod... rn i feel like cryin , dont wnt to stomach anythin. the idea of puttin anythin in my mouth makes me wanna gag or sob. and im bein irrational, ik i am. mmhm. but also idk.

also just feelin v passively sad and deeply lonely. nothin new but idk. hum hum. u kno how u phase in and out... different manners of being miserable. sometimes its all meltdowns and whatnot AND sometimes its all spacey. idk ive been something approximating the latter for the past while but also, notably lucid the past few hours. like it’s all unreal and yet there’s those moments of like... immense awareness, but like it’s from a different perspective kinda vibe u kno? man, u kno the vibe. like tht vibe. and idk the vibe of tht is: not meltin down in a big bold and sexy way but fuckn god. sombre reflection or whotever... metaphorically taking yourself between your fingers with a loupe- the inspection, and passin judgement. letting yourself FEEL that self-hatred, in the detached manner. you know wht i mean. THAT kinda night, girlies. like oh i hate myself. class act. i hate myself well. and truly i do and i sincerely do wish i was not alive- kinda feeling... and the sentiment is devoid of emotion: instead its all rationale and realities that you thumb through that are objectionable. clinical assessment of youre a fucking failure and how little you can do . hopelessness but no need to wallow in hopelessness because it’s self-perpetuating and its time to just sit with it all and just kinda loathe your own existence ... puarely because there’s nowt to be done , my girls. nowt at all but the You Know What. contemplating. its so senseless to keep going . you know how it is. in objective terms .

dont know. hate myself. fuckn wish i was dead innit.  wish there were succinct ways of sayin it. unsure of whether it actually matters if there are, but sometimes just doesnt feel like sayin hate myself is enough. sometimes want words of brevity that still resound with... the depth of that. you know what i mean. im not good at shite like that, but im not good at any shite. feel hopeless feel empty feel so blank and like empty space- not even in an absence sense, but in an nonexisting sense- and what little substance there is is what... existing in farfetched realities , weird-ass fuckin fantasy and even in that im still a void but there’s some colour you know wht i mean. maybe context. or maybe i AM an empty space, an absence, as opposed to just nothing. like, i dont think i can indulge in idea where someone would love me or where i was good at something  or there was fulfilment but there are just ... thoughts sometimes and dreams where its like: im as miserable and as stupid and as useless as i am but im not always confined to blank walls and silence as i have been for too long but there’s situation around me and i hate it still- god i hate it still - and its empty still and its meaningless.

and i dont know. people who are sad - other people who are sad - always seem to have this  yearning or longing in A sense do you know what i mean and i know its skewed i recognise its inherently a biased perspective . that only the people who are sad, and who Want, will talk about wanting because otherwise there would be nothing to say and so those to the contrary are naturally silent but also. do you know wht i mean .. i wish i was Sad in a way that was tragic and felt like a demand of something , that i was sad in a way that made me Sad for the fact i was lonely or sad that i was inadequate and i wish that sadness could manifest into something, like the idea of poetry and writing and a sadness with not a purpose but with a personality but i dont know with the years that go by. void and whatnot. i dont know what i want and i keep approaching things, thinking maybe this is it, but then i think its just the idea of it that traps me. the idea of maybe wanting something until that breaks down and i realise i dont want it at all. does it make sense. mourn the loss of not achieving only to realise i dont know if i even wanted to. i dont want any of it.  i cant talk to anyone any more and sometimes i think to myself “god i had such a big personality- not even when i was younger, but maybe even 4 years ago” and i dont know if i ever did i still cant tell how much is me just spinning wheels out of necessity . i know i overcompensate way too much sometimes when im a little freaked out as to how to act but even that isnt so much POSSIBLE these days but sometimes it is but then that makes the starkness of it all so much more... stark when u go from dead silence, incapble of even pretending to want to talk to want to Exist, to the fuckn ceaseless empty word vomit . spinning wheels. spinning plates? idk. idk how to talk to someone normally and im 21 in a week , and i dont mean in terms of anxiety, i simply just cant find anything within myself of substance and i truly am too too tired to keep at it, to keep it going, to keep overcompensating and forcing a presence . its exhausting it isnt sustainable and its why i cant even do it any more i think  . i dont kno wht i am and whatnot u know wht i mean. i cant keep goin like this is all i know. i dont want anything. and its sincerely not worth it to keep living for nothing. it just isnt. im sick of my existence. exhausted with the hopelessness. hmm. im rambling and going everywhere all at once i believe.

#egg.txt #suicide mentions #eating disorder mention #LONG whinge but we're done girlies its 10am i need to sleep or eat

[monzterzack]

aight i read the whole manga SO NOW I GET TO TALK ABOUT MUTSUKI TOORU AND HOW YALL PISSED ME OFF FOR MISGENDERING HIM AT ALL TIMES

Tooru Mutsuki from tokyo ghoul: re is a trans man, this is established early on, and no you cant ignore that part of his personality when u want to make your weird sexualizing edits of him you WEIRDOS

And i say the fact that tooru is trans is fundamental for his character arc, i would even say its a key aspect of it

To begin with, im going to say ishida is .... not good at writing queer characters, he downright sucks BIG TIME like.... jesus christ man he sucks so much at it and that was really detrimental for tooru's development as a character

BUT REGARDLESS HE REMAINS TRANS AND IDENTIFIES AS MALE, from begining to end of the manga

Now tooru seems to have a bad case of severe ptsd and trauma, and he is an abuse survivor, and all of this got mixed with his gender identity (as sometimes happens), so everytime he identifies as a "girl" in the manga it is heavily linked to his decaying mental health and not as something he feels proud of

As a trans man myself i can understand that, sometimes when im having bad episodes i start questioning my identity and switching back pronouns to "prove if im really trans or if im a fake" which seems to be the same thing tooru is doing cause it seems to only add more stress and push further his breakdowns

He is dissociating so hard and going back to how he used to be, he seems to also black out and commit horrendously violent acts due to said dissociation and the lack of a support system

He also seems to be gay, and taking said feelings as proof that he is "A female"

I want to say no girl ever refers to herself as "a female", specially with the implications that is something.... negative, but i used to do that before realizing i was trans, so thats that on that

So tooru seems to have fallen really REALLY LOW, his mental health is a mess, he got tortured so much he lost his damn marbles and he seems to be in a dissociative state since that point on

He has a baaaaad obsession with his professor, and its shown that is cause haise (kaneki) was the first to respect him as a person and as a man (he seems to be one of the only ones to use tooru's correct pronouns during the whole series) and later on is revealed this obsession is also brought due to haise triggering tooru's dysphoria this one time he entered the bathroom and he hadnt bind himself yet

The "rejection" brought by that event seems to have been a big part of tooru's obsession with haise, to the point he goes like "he thought my body was disgusting and that i was disgusting" which is a feeling that i can relate to, and its understandable then why during his mental breakdown he seems to be obsessed with obtaining haises romantic feelings and "approval"

Im not going to pretend like he is a cinnamon roll and he did nothing wrong.... cause he did.... he did everything wrong, but im gonma add nuance and said "this poor guy got so much bad luck he was abused constantly and no one really check up on him so how the FUCK WERE U EXPECTING THIS TO TURN OUT?!?!"

Also as further proof, his decaying mental health seems to be directly linked to multiple characters misgendering him and sexualizing him (torso, his father, even urie misgender him) and he seems to he repulsed all around by being the object of desire of others so maybe dont do that

He also haves some sick fantasies where he hypersexualize himself but only if haise is involved, and he seems to be completely out of it when they happen (another proof that he only sees himself as "female" when he is dissociating)

The strongest proof seems to be after his squad finally confronts him, he seems to have a lot of disgust and hate towards himself as all the reality of what has happened to him and what he has done settles down inside him, and he gets.... not well..... straight up suicidal (again another feeling i can relate to) as he admits he just wants to go back to when he was happy with the others, you know.... when he was accepted as who he was and he felt respected and safe.... not constantly misgendered and treated like eye candy

And then once they reach the final scenes, the happy endings, he cuts his hair short and remains identifying as a man, taking control back and seeing as lucid as he was in the start

SO I DO TAKE PERSONAL OFFENSE THAT EVERYONE KEEPS CALLING HIM A GIRL AND YANDERE AND "OMG SHE IS SO CRAZY AND SEXY LETS DRAW HER IN MINI SKIRTS AND ROBES WITH HUGE BAZOONKAS"

Cause the whole story he seems to be in so much pain, even saiko tells him "if all of your recent actions were your decision why do u seem so miserable" and its stated that identifying as a girl brings him so much pain and it PISSES ME OFF THAT EVERYONE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT HIM AS A GIRL CAUSE I CAN FUCKING RELATE TO HIS SUFFERING

AND I KNOW IM 3 YEARS TOO LATE TO THIS MANGA AND ITS NOT RELEVANT AT ALL bUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME GOD DAMN IT

Pains me so much that everyone dismisses his identity cause he is a trans man and "if he is a trans man that means he is basically a woman right?" When even the damn story shows that he is in pain for not being seeing as he is so BY FUCK SAKE IM WRITING THIS ANALYSIS

I read 70 fucking chapters in one sit to tell you to respect tooru as a man or u will be eating my FIST

#thats all #tokyo ghoul

[fics-not-tragedies]

A lesson to teach me: Part Two

one - two - three - four - five

After 84 years I finally got to writing this one! Also @mikaneonox and @fanficsrusz you two deserve a special dedication for being super excited when I told ya about how I’m working on it 💕

SUMMARY: Professor Keanu surprises you in the cafe you’re working at and after ending your shift just to have a quite romantic coffee ‘date’ with him, you find yourselves in the supply room of your coffee shop dusty with cocoa powder. Words: 3116; Warnings: smut;

Readers tag list:

@spookier-than-u; @sparrowsparrow; @oreofenyloetyloamina; @derangedcupcake; @geostarr; @catsmieow; @wickedlangdon; @bodhi-black; @bugalouie; @onebatch--twobatch; @fandom-lover-4; @drunkonyellow; @semtempoirmaoo; @spadesandaces2342; @harrisongslimited; @a--1--1--3; @hhighkey; @lunilate; @i-cant-remember-my-old-login; @sgt-morgan; @coloursunlimited; @childrenofthegun; @weminiaturestrawberry; @silverlambcaptain; @scarletmoon83; @howtoruin-someones-perfect-day; @krazycags01; @charlottebonnie; @moonlit-raven-haven; @girl-at-the-verge; 

You tried to dust off your flowery apron as you came back from the utility room into the front of the coffee shop, you sighed when you noticed the long line that had formed at the counter which your co-worker was desperately trying to manage it all by herself.

Your hands were still dusty from the cocoa powder from the bag that you tried to tame from falling from the shelf in the back area and after a quick wash of your hands you stepped to the other end of the counter, telling some customers to walk over to you, the queue instantly unloading as half of the people ran over to your register.

There was a familiar figure at the end of your line, looking down at the book he held in his hands, being absolutely consumed by it, only moving his eyes to look up briefly, so he could be sure he wasn’t bumping into someone in front of him and when you saw his face, noticing how his chocolate eyes lit up when he noticed you, the book being closed by his large hands immediately, his attention focused only on you, your heart skipped a beat.

Professor Reeves.

The smile that grew on his face when your eyes met made your heart flutter and all you wanted now was to ditch your shift, pull him in the back room and feel the taste of his lips while the cocoa dust falls onto your hair.

He mouthed ‘my little girl’ and shoot you one of the cocky grins that were driving you insane every time you saw it, making your legs a little weaker.

“Excuse me?”

You looked up at the woman whose coffee you were making staring at you, “Y-yes…? What’s wrong ma’am?” you asked quickly, trying to figure out what possibly could be wrong with her drink.

“The lid? It was a take-away coffee miss” she eyed you carefully, probably thinking that you were high on something.

“Oh, yes, you’re right” you said placing the black lid onto the paper cup filled with her coffee, “I’m sorry. Thank you, have a nice day!” blurting out you smiled at her, but she just grimaced her face and walked out of the door.

Sighing loudly you called for the next customer only to see that for your surprise it was Keanu’s turn. He slowly walked over to your part of the counter, leaning onto it like he was desperate to get closer to you.

“I was thinking on asking you for a date just to go to this cafe, but to my surprise: you’re working here” his large hand grasps your that seems tiny compared to the size of his and he lifts your palm, but only slightly, before he bows down to plant a soft kiss to your skin, “I never thought that cocoa could taste so sexy” he mumbles into your hand before the tip of his tongue swirls across it, leaving a little wet patch.

You’re happy that the cafe got empty now, so there’s no one to see how red your face got and how you were struggling to breath, seeing how his dark eyes were glued to you, giving you the same lustful stare he kept on your face while you were sucking him off in his office.

“I work here since the beginning of this semester and yet we haven’t met here earlier” you raised your eyebrow at him making him giggle a little.

“It’s because I come here mostly when you have your lectures little girl” the nickname was driving you insane and you just moaned internally, your body aching for him.

“What’s your order then?” it was a really hard time for you to remain calm, all you had in your mind was the sound of his little moans while you were sliding his dick down your throat.

“I saw you behind the counter and absolutely forgot what I wanted to order… would you like to surprise me little girl? You’ve already done that before” Keanu winks at you, leaning with his elbow onto the counter.

“Keanu!” a female voice chirps as the bell hung over the entry doors indicates with its jingling sound that someone just walked inside.

“Janet” he tried to mimic her joy, but failed at is miserably.

Just not fucking Janet this time too... you thought to yourself before speaking to him, “I’ll prepare your order then” he gave you a small smile like he desperately wanted to be saved from the encounter with her.

“You should be finishing love” your co-worker said to you gripping your shoulder a little.

“Just one last order and I’m leaving” you were trying to focus on preparing his coffee and not listening to their conversation, but their words were flying straight into your ears without you even knowing.

“You come here even on your free days?” Janet asks him and your stomach does a somersault, it’s too obvious that he just wants to bang him.

“Yes, they have the best coffee in the whole city here” even though you didn’t see his face you could hear the smirk that formed on his lips in his voice, the ‘best coffee’ probably meant the fact that you were working here.

“Oh, I feel like we should came here like, together, one day” she chirped again and you felt the urge to strangle her to death. You were glad that your shift was over and you didn’t had to serve her.

You placed the steaming mug in front of him with a loud thud, but still winking a little, hoping she hasn’t noticed it.

He took a big gulp of his coffee, making a surprised face, before speaking to you “It’s so good, what’s that?” he asks you and you untie your apron, slowly walking to the social are of the coffee shop.

“It’s double caramel americano” you say before disappearing behind the doors that says ‘private’.

When you come back he’s luckily alone, at least, finishing the drink you prepared him.

You two move to have a sit in the corner of the place, at a table that’s rarely used, so it feels like it’s your private one, where no one can bother you.

“I graded your finals last night” Keanu spoke softly, his hand moving to gently grasp yours.

“How I did on it?” you’re sipping your own coffee, that already got cold, but you need it nonetheless.

“100 on 100, which means A+” he winks at you, before leaning over the table, his mouth close to your ear, “I still think your cock-sucking skills deserve an A+ too” his mumble makes you blush, your face turning raw red and you hide it in your hands for a moment.

“What’s behind that doors there?” he asks, pointing with his fingers towards the silver doors that are on the wall behind your back.

“It’s our storage room” you say and his eyebrow raises, then he stand up from his chair and walks over to that doors.

When he disappeared inside the back room you waited few more seconds before following his steps, so the whole situation wouldn’t be too suspicious.

You heard his hitched breath, your eyes not quite used to the darkness around you yet and you gently close the doors behind you, turning the lock, so no one would bother you.

“Why haven’t you switched the light on?” you ask him, flicking the switch by yourself, knowing its placement on the wall by your heart. The light bulb just hisses at you, not lighting up.

“Because it doesn’t work” suddenly, you feel his hand on your shoulder, tensing for a moment, before his whole body is pressed firmly to yours, pushing you onto the nearest rack.

Keanu breath out shakily, his hands gripping your waist tightly and this time, you made the first move. You leaned in, your lips just gently brushing his for a moment, you can feel how his hand moves to the back of your neck, fingertips grazing over your side, grabbing onto it and drawing you in properly, his lips pressed closely to yours, your eyes fluttering shut even though you were wrapped in the darkness already.

It seemed like your heart decided to skip a beat every time you two got that close to each other and you couldn’t help yourself kissing him back instantly, moving your lips with his in sync, his arms wrapping tightly around you as he push you forward onto the shelf, a rattling sound snapping you out of the kissing haze, indicating that something fell onto the floor making a dull thudding noise, but you were too busy with him to even care about the falling item.

He sighed into the kiss, the sound muffled by your mouth, his fingers rubbing into the back of your neck. His touches felt even more electric than before, sending shivers down your spine and you pressed yourself closer to him, gasping into the kiss when you felt his hard cock pressed into your thigh, strained under the fabric of his jeans.

His mouth slid from yours to kiss your jawline, then moved further down onto your neck, where he mumbled few incoherent words into your skin, making you press your hands to his ass, giving it a little cheeky squeeze, then your fingers moved to his head, running through his hair, twisting the strands around your fingers.

You tugged on his hair lightly, tilting his head backwards so you could press your lips to his once again, kissing him even more needily and arching your body into his, feeling his hand moving down your side, grabbing at your arse. Keanu’s lips were soft and you could taste the coffee on his tongue, mixing with a hint of smoke; you were now literally aching for more, aching for him, for his body, so you let your hand wander down his chest, to his belly, before cupping the hard bulge in his jeans, palming him through its fabric.

He groaned, breaking the kiss and rolling his hips into the touch of your hand, resting his forehead against yours, his hot breath tickling your lips and you pressed your legs together, moaning quietly, “Tell me little girl… are you wet already?” he drawled, the dulcet done of his voice mixed with the darkness around you was only fueling your lust for him.

Keanu grabbed your wrist, pinned it above your head and you sighed when he pressed his knee between your legs pushing them apart, his hand moving under your skirt, pulling it upwards, letting it pool around your waist, as he rubbed your folds through the flimsy fabric of your underwear.

“K-Keanu…” you breath out his name, hearing the guttural groan that falls from his lips and your head fallback against the shelf, your eyes getting shut as you buck your hips forward into his touch, “P-Please, I need you…” you whimpered, “touch me…”

“I wanted to do this to you since the first time I saw you on my lecture…” he coaxed, pressing his lips onto yours again, the kiss surprisingly soft, too soft for your liking, while his fingers were slowly circling your entrance, his thumb barely grazing your clit.

You moaned into his mouth, feeling how your heart beats faster, “Mmmm, yes…” you whimpered when his skilled fingers moved your panties aside and slowly slid inside you.

“Mmm, you’re so wet, little girl…” he pushed two fingers deep inside you, your walls clenching around them as they filled you up nicely and your hips bucked forward again in attempt to get him closer, then he made a curling motion, making you jolt and cry out with pleasure, holding on to his shoulder with your legs trembling.

“F-Fuck, r-right there please!” you whimpered.

“Mmmm, I like to hear you” he breathed into your ear, curling his fingers inside you again and holding them in place, pressing just into the right spot that made your head pirouette, “Right there, hmm? That’s the right spot?”

You nodded eagerly, like he was about to see it, then wrapped your hand around his wrist, “Y-yes, please… d-do it again” you cried, your hips shaking, impatient in waiting for his another move.

When he picked up the pace of his fingers, brushing continuously into the right spot, fingering you faster, his thumb brushing against your clit. You moaned loudly, whimpering when he curled his fingers deep inside you once again, his thumb pressing down on your clit with the perfect amount of pressure which sent you over the edge, your legs shaking, loud gasps falling from your open mouth, as the pleasure consumed you.

You gripped tightly onto his shoulder to hold yourself still, feeling how your walls clenched around his fingers.

“Mmmm, so wet … came all over my fingers…” he whispered, pressing little kisses to your jaw, then down your neck before drawing his fingers out of you, making you whimper.

Your arm was still pinned above your head with his one hand and you felt some shuffling between your bodies that probably meant he moved the other one to undo his belt, then his zipper followed shortly afterwards.

Keanu’s hand gripped yours, taking it from his arm, then moving it to his cock, making you wrap your fingers around him, feeling how hard he already was.

“You’re so fucking big...” your breath was still uneven as you panted, giving him few tugs, making him jolt his hips towards you, few little gasps leaving his mouth.

“F-Fuck, you want it, don’t you?” he asked, pushing his hand between your legs again, teasingly circling your clit.

“I-I NEED you inside me… Keanu just p-please fuck me…” you whimpered, not even caring about the filthy words that were leaving your mouth. You wanted him so badly you could actually taste it, “Keanu p-please…”

You guided his between your legs, lifting one to rest on the higher shelf, rubbing his tip against your entrance “Say me name again little girl…” he groaned.

Taking a deep breath before speaking you almost moaned out his name “Keanu…” you breath out, hearing his racing heartbeat in the dark room, “Just… please…”

Without a warning he closes the space between your bodies once again, letting his cock sink inside you, stretching your walls, making you drop your head down onto his shoulder, biting down on the sensitive skin in the crook of his neck, crying out desperately and clinging to him closer, your both hands tugging on his hair.

He moaned loudly, holding himself steady for a moment, shifting closer to you, placing one hand under your thigh, lifting your leg even higher, making you groan loudly when he sank deeper inside you and he pressed you further onto the shelf, his thick cock throbbing inside you, as he filled you up.

His lips were so close to your ear than you could hear all of the softest moans and groans that were escaping from his lips.

“Oh f-fuck…” you cried when you felt how he slowly drew back right before sinking inside you again, the pace torturous but steady. Another orgasm was slowly building up inside you, his soft groans were slowly turned into louder ones, turning you on even mores as you clung onto him tightly, your whole body becoming weak and you knew you would’ve fallen if you weren’t wrapped in the strong grip of his arms.

“Say me name, little girl, say my name again” he whispered, nibbling softly on your earlobe.

You moaned loudly, your nails scratching lightly at the back of his neck, “Keanu, f-fuck, your cock feels amazing” you whimpered, your head dropping backwards, meeting with the cold steel of the shelf. You felt yourself tighten around him, so close again, his throbbing length buried deep inside him.

“You’re so fucking tight” he groaned, mumbling against your neck, moaning louder when he felt you come undone without a warning, just a cry of pleasure leaving your lips, your fingers pulling at his hair again, as your muscles clenched around his cock, making you writhe in his arms and you held tighter onto him when he fucked you through your orgasm.

“I’m so close… just one more, little girl, cum with me again...”

“Keanu, just... f-f-fuckfuckfuck…” you cried out, being too over-sensitive now and everything became too much for you when you tightened around him weakly again as your third orgasm approached.

“You feel fucking amazing…” he moaned, biting down on your neck, making sure he’ll have a mark for later, his hips bucked up into yours and he buried himself deep inside you, emptying his throbbing cock inside you, groaning your name with his lips so close to your ear. His hot release spilling inside you triggered your own orgasm and you cried out his name again, falling limp in his arms, your body shaking with pleasure as your orgasm ripped through you and you could barely even cling onto him anymore.

He held himself inside you, panting against your neck, your breathing still heavy and you ran your fingers gently through his hair, “Fucking wow…”

Keanu laughed softly, nudging your nose gently with his before pecking your lips, “Have you ever fucked someone here before?”

“No, you are the first and only one” you mumbled.

“I like that” you could hear the smirk in his voice, his hips bucking up into yours again, his cock nudging deep inside you and you cried out quietly before whimpering as he pulled out of you, carefully setting you leg down onto the ground, “but we should repeat that in more usual conditions.”

You fixed your underwear along with your skirt, the sound of him zipping back his pants echoed in the room and you walked over to the doors, unlocking it, “Are you ready?” and his ‘mhm’ cut through the silence.

When you walked back into the cafe noticing that there’s no-one around, even your co-worker was somewhere else now, you just pulled him after you with your hand gripping the hem of his sleeve.

“You look… dusty” Keanu said and you turned around to look at him. His hair and shoulders were covered in cocoa powder, apparently so were yours. He made double check that there was nobody in sight, before he walked closer to you and licked your cheek, “So fucking tasty” his hand gave your arse a squeeze, “Let’s go to my place, clean ourselves up and later I’ll give you a nice massage. I bet you’re all tense after work.”

“Just like you’re reading my mind” you winked at him and you two walked out of the coffee shop.

#A lesson to teach me #keanu reeves #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu reeves smut #keanu reeves imagine #John Wick #john wick fanfiction #john wick fanfic #john wick fic #john wick smut #john wick imagine #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #imagine #parted fic #professor!AU #university!AU #keanu x reader #keanu/you #keanu reeves/reader #keanu x you #keanu reeves x reader #kr:parted_fic

[gutsybitsies]

Not the same anon but I would love to hear about the beauty and the beast version. I feel this fandom has greatly failed in not doing a beauty and the beast au for zimbits and you know what's up!

*cracks knuckles* im not sure if i’ve posted this before but i’d been talking about it with @fabbittle a while back: 

OKAY SO the premise is the same as the amnesia one and it’s bitty living in a cottage in the woods and so one day he comes across this really injured beast/monster. the beast is jack under curse. when he turned, he was chased and hunted by his own royal guards and friends who didn’t recognize him, and chased out of his kingdom. he’s cursed to be a monster until someone falls in love with him, but alas, who can love a beast? 

someone with a weird fetish like bitty, obviously. he takes one look and he’s thirsty. like jack’s still humanoid, he’s still muscular, and he’s got a lot of fur. and bitty can tell that he’s probably some poor guy who got cursed into a what to him seemed like a magnificent sexy beefcake. so while bitty’s nursing jack back to health there were two trains of thoughts in the cottage. the one that belongs to jack is “i’m a monster and he is so kind, i cant believe i love him so much, but there is no way he will ever love me.” while bitty’s thoughts are kind of just “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck meeeeee.”

bitty tries everything to seduce jack. but jack’s not picking up the hints, just lamenting about his ugliness and how he’s unloveable. but eventually bitty does say the words “i love you, you big handsome goofball!!” and then jack glows and poof. he’s human again!!! 

and bitty’s a bit sad, because if jack was human again it meant that he’d have to go back home, just when the two of them got together. but jack actually said that he wanted to stay here with bitty, that he didn’t much like his old life anyway, and he loves bitty and he loves the town samwell and everyone who lived there. but one day, a while later, an old man rides into town. he’s tired, and hungry, and he says that he’s looking for his son. 

jack was honest with bitty. he told him about his old life, as crown prince of the kingdom, about a fiance he didn’t care for, about the anxiety that he had about living up to his father, about his fear of failure. it all came to ahead when he was cursed and no one had recognized him, and he’d truly became something unworthy and disgusting in their eyes. 

“do you miss your parents?” bitty had asked. 

“yes,” jack replied honestly. “but i think it’s better that they don’t have me as a son.” 

but here robert zimmermann was, cold and tired from his journey, asking for magical favors everywhere, trying to find his greatest pride. bitty knew that if he knew jack was here, robert would take him away and break the small comfortable life that they built up together.

“my saddle broke,” bob said at the inn. “do you know where i can fix it?” 

“Tailor John knows how to do leatherwork for saddles and does most of the work in the town for it, but he just left yesterday to go to his daughter’s wedding and won’t be back for two weeks,” the innkeeper replied, “but bitty’s husband also knows how to do a quick repair, should last you until you reach another town. hey, bitty!” 

“hey there Jim,” bitty says as he brings in the day’s bread into the inn. “did i hear anything about a broken saddle?” 

“yeah, guy needs a fix, you think your jack can do it?” 

“well he can certainly try, he’s busy fixing our chicken coop right now, a fox got in last night, but if you come over tomorrow at noon i’m sure he’ll take a look at it,” bitty replied, looking warily at the man who looks almost exactly like jack and who said he was looking for his son. 

jack and bob see each other the next day, and bob bursts into tears and hugs his son as he finally got him back.

“why haven’t you come back? is there anything wrong? what’s this i hear about you being married?” he looked cautiously through the window at bitty, who was shooing away a deer that came near their garden trying to nibble at their cabbage. 

“i was cursed, he helped me lift it, and i decided to stay. i’m sorry for not contacting you or maman sooner, but i don’t want to go back.” 

bob became stern, “jack, this is your responsibility. you can’t leave your kingdom helmless in the future when it needs you. a ship without a captain steers itself into the waves and drowns. i don’t know what kind of dreamland you’ve been imagining yourself to be in but you need to snap out of it.”

“i can’t leave bitty.”

“then bring him with you, set him up in the capital with the finest things as repayment for taking care of you. he’ll have a great life as your lover.”

“he’s not just my lover, he’s my husband.”

“….is he a knight?”

“no.”

“has he ever went on a quest to save a kingdom, or defeated a dragon? do you think he can even hold a sword? will he be able to intermingle with the court life? how will he have any kind of dignity in the eyes of anyone in our circle as a prince consort now and a king consort in the future? what, are you going to give him a fake title and a dukedom to force him to integrate into our lives?”

seeing that jack can’t argue back but wasnt changing his mind, bob tried for a softer approach. “jack, you can bring him back with us. let him get used to how things are, and then we’ll talk about it, okay?”

so the three of them go to the capital and bitty is enraptured by all the beautiful things there, but there’s a slight hiccup. he’s ignored by every single person. the court, being very sensitive to the king and queen’s wishes, snubbed him on basically all occasions. he was given quarters in a small room far away from jack, and even though jack told him to just stay in jack’s room he wasn’t able to see jack often because jack comes back later and tired. when they first arrived bob and alicia didn’t even bother introducing him to anyone as jack’s husband. 

jack introduces bitty to people, and in jack’s presence there would be stilted conversation that stops as soon as jack wasn’t there. he tries his best to get bitty situated, but he’s being inundated as it were by tasks and jobs and responsibilities that he has to pick up again. 

and bitty realizes what’s happening, that no one wanted them to be together so they’re forcing this war of attrition. it comes to a head after a month, when bitty just couldn’t take it anymore and breaks down. 

jack: let’s just elope. 

bitty: what? we can’t do that.

jack: …go back home and i’ll come get you when i convince my parents to stop playing this stupid game. i’ll much rather you be happy away from me than suffer by my side.

bitty reluctantly agrees, and goes back. he waits and waits for a message from jack or jack himself, but doesnt get anything until there’s news that the prince of the neighboring kingdom, jack zimmermann, is getting ready to be married. but he still waited, because maybe that’s just a rumor and jack would tell him if anything happened, and that’s when a knight walked up the path to his cottage. and asked him to approve of a divorce from jack so that his next marriage can be legal. 

enclosed was a letter in jack’s handwriting that basically said that he realized that it was impossible for him to change his parents mind and impossible to leave. and that he could be stubborn and bring bitty back no matter what but he knows that it would just make bitty miserable. he’s sorry that he couldn’t say this in person, but he knew that if he saw bitty he’ll never want to leave. 

bitty signs, and then shuts the door in the face of the knight without even offering him refreshments for his long journey. 

bitty: i know its selfish but i wish the curse on jack had never broke. he’d have never been found, he’ll still be mine. 

and then, miles and miles away, a roar erupted in a panicking room as prince jack zimmermann transformed painfully into a giant beast in front of everyone. his parents grow frantic trying to break the curse, but no one could do it. 

note: this is from a long time ago that i never finished so here’s the rough rough rough ending

basically more panicking from the royals and jack ups and leaves again and finds his way somewhere where he sees bitty again. they don’t get together quite yet but eventually they start talking more and jack apologizes. 

bitty: “i made a dumb stupid wish and i wish i can turn you back but i can’t i’m sorry” 

jack: “that’s okay. i think if i wasn’t still in love with you i wouldn’t have turned anyway. my parents love me, i know, but i could never live up to them. i would’ve never been good enough, might as well stay here and eat berries.”

they still don’t get together, until one day jack’s on a hunting trip and get’s lost in the winter and meets up with a bunch of kids who also got lost, and he saves them and eventually leads them home. they thank him a lot and and jack’s pretty content with himself, before going back to his hut. and bam human again -insert disney music- 

jack knocks on bitty’s door with some flowers in hand, all “i know you’ve always wanted to see the world, and now i can take you places. we don’t have to be together, but do you want to come with me?” 

and so they set off together and one day bitty looks at jack weaving a scarf for the winter and kisses him. 

#Anonymous #omgcp #zimbits #jack zimmermann #eric bittle #i almost forgot about this au lol

[creampievampire]

its really hard to reconcile internalized lesbophobia toward your own attraction to women, which feeds into internalized biphobia bc youre also bi

while also growing up miserable in your own skin and a major tomboy who later came out as a trans man but then started transitioning and realised that label was wrong and youre actually super non binary

and you dont really know how to exist yet bc expressing your masculinity makes you feel like a butch lesbian but expressing your feminine side makes you feel like an effeminate gay man, and both feel good, but also you sometimes really wish you were just cos (amab or afab, depending on the day)

and every time you so much as look at a girl you have this paralyzing and overwhelming fear that youre being predatory as fuck, not to mention your fear of being vulnerable after being rejected for your entire life for what you are, so you act like youre barely attracted to girls at all when thats a bald faced lie. theyre beautiful and smart and funny and sexy and perfect

but what does it mean when you want to be someones butch and femme at the same time? are you even allowed to use those words? you feel like such an outsider to the lesbian/queer women community bc you let people assume youre a man at work and bc youre on testosterone, which feeds into this horrible guilt for taking hormones at all like youre an imposter bc youre not a trans man at all

but arent you a queer woman, even if only half the time? wouldnt you say to someone else that they should do what feels right, so why is it so hard to ask if you could join a lesbian/bi womens space when it feels right to you?

why are you so terrified of how everyone else sees you? why are you so terrified of embracing what you are and how you feel about others?

its bc you dont seem to fit anywhere. you think youre not trans enough for trans men, not man enough for gay men, not woman enough for lesbians, not enough for anyone least of all yourself

god why cant you get out of your head

#vent #rant #you can reblog or comment idc #i just hope other people can relate #i kind of hate myself #a lot #frog talks #genderqueer #genderfluid #? maybe #agender is what ive always said #but i dont think thats really true

[morethanmeetstheass]

hi let me just discuss how this has been the best birthday ive had in years and its especially thanks to you all

my birthday last year sucked, i was stranded alone in ohio with no friends, no family, no s/o, nothing at all, and i was miserable. so i was fully prepped for today to suck

and then i just got RAILED with ratchet content from midnight on, and the fact that you all are making me content with absolutely no need to??? im so grateful??? you took time out of your days to make ME things and words cant even explain how happy i am, and how grateful

@red--thedragon and @scremlin in particular, you two have made this birthday so unbelievably wonderful for me, and i cant even vocally express how thankful i am to both of you for your drawings and fics. i was smiling nonstop all day like a complete idiot and i have No shame about it

and also @robotlovesong13, @needs-to-stop-looking-at-valves, and @starwin72 who tumblr wont let me tag for some reason? you all have made this day so extra special and i am SO grateful, and ive never had a better birthday

you all are incredible people and i am So grateful that you all exist and took time out of your days to make me ratchet content bc i am so unbelievably horny on main for that sexy fucking doctor

thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. i cant express it enough. thank you all

#birthday tag #you guys are the best #red and kadar i love you both so sos os much #thank you for existing #and the rest of you too #thank you all

[modernlcve]

little info dump of lizzie’s la muses

ADELAIDE LINDHOLM  :   they still need a last name but . whatever. i was gonna make her like really boring n a lil mean but. i changed me mind. she’s still uninterested in fame but im pulling her out of management she did it for like 3 years and then realized it brought her nothing but stress and pain so she quit and is doing temp work for the time being she’s trying to figure some stuff of her own out but deflects it onto still trying to boss around her siblings all the time. this sounded more interesting in my head. know it all, bossy, putting on a front of being in control of her miserable life

plots for her include  :  former clients she completely abandoned when she snapped, im working on more but sometimes... being a big sister is a full time job am i right girls

ALISON COLLINS  :  a woman at a crossroads . wants to follow her big artistic ambition of [redacted] but it just hasnt worked out for her yet so she’s teaching elementary art classes at a Hippie School to pay the bills til something comes her way , but its hard to be the edgy artist type when u got the school breathing down ur back and checking 2 make sure ur on the straight and narrow.

plots for her include  :  another big sister im ltrying to think of plots for but . sometimes things arent easy you know. she could have art circle friends who make fun of her for Selling Out and making pipe cleaner crafts for a living now

BRUNO VARGAS  :   i’m copy pasting the fc meme. he bought a “capitalism is unsustainable” sticker off of amazon. prime example of that “little confused but he’s got the spirit” meme. he threw himself into the social activism scene after he dropped out of college and ran away to the city to really make something of himself. he really wants to do good things for good reasons his heart is in the right place he’s just a dumbass. grew up in a traditional catholic military family but hasn’t had contact w them for a minute. lives in the fold because he thinks its cool 2 force people 2 hang out with him. works for an indie underground news publication.

plots for him include  :  yeah  maybe i am still stuck on the boyfriend/girlfriend plot. im not married to it being bf n gf if it just works 2 be 2 gfs or 2 bfs anyways. plot would be that one partner bruno has had longer and has openly been with for a minute now. second partner would be more recent and bc of that less of the whole official We’re Together :) kind of thing. both partners would know he’s seeing other people, but he hasnt gone out of his way to specifically out either of them, p2 just knows about p1 bc they were openly w bruno whereas they arent yet. if that makes literally any sense

COLE EDWARDS  :  bit of a weirdo. she does something behind the scenes i was thinking like set design because thats something that weirdly really interests me. anyways shes a doormat but in a different way than molly could be read that way she really just likes to be involved in things and help people. ~quirky~ but one day , she will snap. u can tell when u see her at craft night and she gets so much hot glue on her hand but doesnt even react. its like she cant feel it... feel better cole...

plots for her   :  cole could work for laguna beach or as the mystery novak stepsib im not married to her being on the show or not yet. i figured she could be fun there because she would be a light addition to all these Reality Tv Bastards u know. her bg and plots will fit whichever subplot i use her for so . tba

HOLLIS MESSINA   :   kill him NOW .   hollis is a bad man. not to godmod michele but in my head their parents are also like weird arsty types not necessarily famous but always very into the arts all thru their childhood. they grew up eating a lot of kale and maybe thats why hollis is the way he is. he’s vapid and very insecure because he wants so bad to be cool and funny and talented and suffers from major impostor syndrome which contributes to his online shopping addiction. take a nap hollis...

plots for him  :  we know im always looking for a plot where my musician writes a song about how crusty their ex is and their ex doesn’t appreciate it, or in general just maybe someone who got past the Phony Fakeass Cool Hollis act but then he decided to be very mean to them because soemtimes it hurts to let people in

JAMES ZAMORA   :  instagram model and youtuber. new media thot. she makes beauty, fashion, lifestyle, and travel related content. her entire brand is being A Sexy Little Trollop for people to envy. came from humble beginnings believe it or not, but she will never tell anyone that. as far as they need to be concerned shes been toddling around in heels since day one. lives in the fold because it makes for quirky content but once a month she threatens to get the hell out of here.. no one knows why she stays..

plots for her  :  frankly between the Novak Boyz and the mean girl squad im happy w her plots for now but shes always around to *cheryl blossom voice* create a little chaos if needed...

MOLLY SEKULIC   :   for the first week he lived at the fold noah thought she was a ghost :0  jadede film school student who thought she would get to do real documentary work at a place like b*zzfeed news but got put on projects shes not as passionate about 2 put it kindly. constantly planning her escape from the fold and worth it and all of that but 2 depressed to actually put any of it into play so she just sticks around and hopes one day she’s tapped for something with Substance

plots for her  :  she just doesnt get out much. shes got her Horrible sons (alec and [redacted]) and the girlies she hangs out with at the fold so shes not a completely friendless loser. with muses also working in film i think it could be fun to have a plot where they went to school together/worked on a project earlyo n together but now shes doing this and is embarrassed to talk to them abt it not that its even that real of a plot..

NOAH FITZGERALD  :  i wrote an intro for him in fold and im just gonna link it here. tldr hes very shy,, be gentle,, he wants to be liked and validated which is a common theme for me becuase yeah maybe in my core i dont believe anyone pursuing art does it for any reason but validation i sure know i do 

plots for him  :   he’s got a little going on but other fun stuff could be musicians he jams with that could catch onto his and bradys Scam, maybe some other dorks to commiserate with ive obvisosuly not got as many ideas as i let on huh,

WYATT SONG   :   gay writer bitch. came from money so he’s just casually pursuing writing full time minus the time he spends on the show (bit less than everyone else just because watching him sit in his home office and do nothing for hours just isnt interesting) but i kinda like the idea of him being a Villain within the show like idk what dynamics we were wanting to set up but i feel ike since he’s more reclusive than the others and when he is around hes Annoying he could be someone the show kinda frames as Not Likable which mostly doesnt bother him but . stings a little

plots   :  someone whos really nice 2 him off cam but plays to that villain thing on cam, which could work for a few muses on different levels like a friend whos just flighty to someone he’s ~ secretly dating ~ bc it would mess up the current plot of the show if they were fucking just yet

#int

[the-hoziest-archive]

literally wanna give my readers homework like, in your opinion, what does the author mean with these lines, how do you interpret it, and why DKJKLGJDKLSG no bc i have. always thought i didn’t “get” poetry BECAUSE I DONT IDK? symbolism? metaphors or. the other thing. i looked up examples but idek what it is bc i dont think i read a single interesting poem in school.

ok. yes. ithace. love that one. i read one (1) interesting poem in school.

but anyway i am the kind of person tumblr loves to complain about like ‘ummm didnt u learn anything in school sweetie like about literature and analysing stuff and whatever :)’ no i did not i was too busy making up cool and fun scenarios in my head and avoiding answering questions unless i was the only one who knew the answer. for my ego stroke.

idk honestly the kind of shit they made us read in school like. is it good to read those books/stories/poems? yes. but why was it SO FUCKING BORING for example. i loved the one with the boy and his friends in nazi occupied greece like fuck that book. broke me. over and over again. and its the kind that would definitely interest a teenager. the story of a boy who grows over the 4-year period and idk the reality of every day life during that time? i was into it idk about the other morons

BUT WHY AM I READING ABOUT WHOEVER IS ESCAPING SMYRNI DRINKING PISS OR WHATEVER LIKE. GROSS. THIS WHOLE THING IS GROSS.

ariadne comes to mind that was like. the woman’s rage. shoot that shit into my veins. cant remember if it was poetry or prose but w/e.

they made the illiad boring. like i barely remember it but i was just like. i dont get it. what is this. probably the only thing that really stayed with me was hubris because im like oh okay. thats the thing modern greeks call swearing. thats cool. word etymology, ykno, absolutely normal interests for a 13 yr old. (and ok in reality, having attempted to read the illiad (translated) recently. it is. so slow. like something that i said about homer being the og ADHD bitch like SIR. SIR U ARE RAMBLING. CAN U FOCUS. WHAT HAPPENED TO ACHILLES ITS BEEN? 57 PAGES?

school made THE ODYSSEY BORING. like took us to a play of the odyssey and everyone’s complaining and im like !!!!! this is amazing!!! and we’re talking plays for teenagers, this is not the type of things you would see in the better-known theatres around the world alright. but i loved it its a really good story. really the mythology, and i love that guy odysseus he’s so smart its actually sexy.

(which reminds me i loved the les miserables play too i think the only adaptation i have even seen. not read the book either and at this point will not.)

school, the typical day at school, is honestly. fucking boring as shit. read words write words alright man can we do something that engages my tiny little brain. i am a curious creature ready to learn but y’all are only here to make us sit straight, stay quiet, line up, head down, do your homework and pass these standardised tests. you gotta go to the fucking bathroom on a their made up little timetable like are we in prison or are we free to be children and adolescents <3

anyway, my point is, i thought i wouldn’t ‘get’ poetry and like, wasn’t the kind of person who could write poetry but idk i can’t stop writing it now. like freestyling, yes, homer-like rambling and tangents, but it’s also cathartic and i think? im doing okay? for someone who’s fucking clueless? im gonna start reading poetry i have a tiny book by one of sappho’s followers, good place to start.

and maybe i’ll stop worrying about whether im doing it right bc fuck it man. its my poetry i make up the rules. and i really truly do want to know if the little hidden easter eggs or vague descriptions, attempts at similes, ~ symbolism ~ are at all.. good? easily understood? no fr im gonna give my readers homework.

#OK VENT OVER LMAO #emma.txt

[thegeminisage]

Jace, Magnus, Raph :D

THATS SO MANY THANK U

JACE:

favorite thing about them: everyone likes to sort of categorize jace as this mostly douchey guy but he’s actually kind of Softe if you dig a little and like not to be basic but i like that about him

least favorite thing about them: WHY YOU ALWAYS LYIIIN

favorite line: “dazzle me” @cathy not one word

brOTP: JACE AND ALEC…give me more of that good parabatai shit…….my other favorite thing about jace is it’s implied he knew alec was in love with him for a long timeor at the very LEAST since alec’s bad reaction in 1.04 and he played dumb (partially because he hates talking about feelings yes but also) for alec’s benefit. just not to make things weird. it would have been easy to make him be weird about it. straight guys are assholes. but he wasnt and thats real nice.

OTP: he’d be miserable without clary to the point where he still wanted to smash even when he thought they were related, so

nOTP: jace and alec. STRICTLY platonic on jace’s end! it’s not necessarily that i think it’s ~problematic~ god knows you couldnt pay me to touch that discourse i just think the dynamic is much richer and deeper when it’s a one-sided romance and jace was still cool about it. idk i find that totally refreshing and fascinating and like a pretty new take, at least to me personally. why ruin it by turning it into run-of-the-mill slash? (i say this as someone who writes a lot of run-of-the-mill slash, don’t send me mean messages) 

random headcanon: he likes [REDACTED], which technically was cathy’s headcanon first

unpopular opinion: he’s never done anything wrong in his life ever…look i know he has but like leave him alone?? idek why i feel so strongly about this he isn’t my favorite character i don’t stan him i’m not super invested in him…i just don’t think he’s done anything wrong, aside from the fact that he lies a lot. i was totally siding with him over alec during their season 1 tiffs.

song i associate with them: natalia kills - kill my boyfriend :)

favorite picture of them: sorry but i dont really have one

MAGNUS:

favorite thing about them: his body language! he’s like always on the go, all his lil flourishes, how expressive he is–expression-wise and with his body language. he uses his hands to talk and since warlocks use their hands for magic that’s like an awesome character detail. my second favorite thing is how fucking cool he is. i love when he does magic. he’s so cool oh my god he’s like the HEIGHT of cool

least favorite thing about them: not to be problematic but he’s a little TOO perfect. let him fuck up once in awhile! so far all we’ve gotten was the seelie queen thing and that was half alec’s fault

favorite line: “i’m the high warlock of brooklyn” YOU TELL EM MAGNUS

brOTP: MAGNUS AND RAPHAEL IS CANONICAL ACE/BI SOLIDARITY AND I’M SO HERE FOR IT

OTP: well obviously magnus and alec

nOTP: i dont really?? see him shipped with anyone else??? i guess my notp is imm*rtal h*bands…alec would absolutely hate being immortal, whether by magic or being turned. he would HATE it. i have a series of fanfictions outlines to explain my feelings on this matter more thoroughly someday

random headcanon: i made a gifset about it on my other blog (you can see it at /post/172404479554/ if you know the url) but i think maybe he doesn’t always like being a warlock. like, the magic is great! he loves his people! he loves being able to do cool stuff! but his parents basically died because of it (trying not to be too spoilery, sorry coralie), and being immortal when you have to watch people die is hard. he’s pretty sensitive about his cat eyes, maybe in a way that’s more worried about what other people will think than someone who dislikes himself? i feel like maybe he used to dislike himself a lot more intensely and sort of had a long time to unlearn it and now most of the time it’s fine but he just still has his bad days and tender spots. i feel strongly anough this, clearly

unpopular opinion: again im gonna have to go with being anti imm*rtal h*bands…i mean obviously people can write what they want & no skin off my nose but i wish it wasnt QUITE so popular bc its hard to find fic i like w/o it

song i associate with them: man i have a really great one for alec like that could kinda be malec but not a magnus-only one sorry

favorite picture of them: literally any picture with cat eyes i love his cat eyes so much

RAPHAEL:

favorite thing about them: CANONICAL ASEXUAL!!!!!! i can’t tell you how much that means to me. it’s a first for me! i watched this whole show for raphael. second favorite thing: he’s still religious. that’s real brave imo

least favorite thing about them: WHY DID HE DO THAT…i cant say what he did on coralie’s post i already said a magnus spoiler but i cant believe he DID THAT im heartbroken for him and so angry at him what an idiot why didn’t he ask for help

favorite line: number one winner is the entire scene about the stars with rosa but close runner up is whenever he speaks spanish. not because it’s sexy or whatever but because he almost exclusively does it when he’s trying to be intimidating. literally i have a gif of him going “adios >:)” when he’s about to commit murder

brOTP: if i had an entire show about magnus and raphael i would be happy. alec who? but raphael and rosa kills me too

OTP: raphael and izzy, come on, come on, show, i’m begging you! simon who? this is where it’s at! i can’t believe she talked about his asexuality like it was a perk rather than a hurdle. i get weepy when i think about it for too long

nOTP: please for the love of god stop shipping with him with simon

random headcanon: dislikes kissing. i may be projecting a bit here ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ at least i finally have a character i can project on!

unpopular opinion: rizzy isn’t predatory on either side they both did that and they both owned up to it and got better stop trying to paint one of them like a creeper and the other like some precious innocent victim

song i associate with them: every single song i put on the ace playlist i made the other night

favorite picture of them: i made a gifset of him with the ace colors and that’s my favorite one. it’s at /post/172511018559/ on my other blog if you know the url

(send me characters!!)

#shadowhunters #ask memes #machidielontheway #long post

[deuce-duce]

Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

[some-bitch-named-destyni]

his name....is not finn.

at like 2:40 a.m. i meet a guy on grindr. this guy hits on me in the typically angry and abrasive fashion i have designed my profile to solicit from men of a certain variety, and so we get to talking then wind up on camera, me expecting the same shit as usual....in between midnight meeting with strange men in unknown and unsafe places, i get my need to self destruct and overcome the mind numbing boredom of sociopathic lack of fear satisfied by getting even more men off over the internet on camera... and then, last night happened.

his name, is not finn.

its robert. but he gies by finn. finn has four les pauls, recording machines...the works an entire worling fucking studio. lives in middle tennesse but has been to atlanta many times bc HE ACTUALLY PLAYS MUSIC MIDTOWN EVERY YEAR SINCE 2013 im watching the shit behind him on camera, the house hes in, the guitars on the walls, the records hanging around the cords and amps and pedals... and hes alone. he lives alone, its his place. FINN IS 23. thats all. 23. he got into it all, along with a little band that came from Knoxville tennessee in 2009 named 10 Years...who if u follow rock, u have to know. this is a massivelt succsesfull mainstream alternative rock act. one of my favorite bands.

so here we are.

its five a.m. were still talking, not fucking.

about music and art and finns ideas on sexuality not being real.

odd for someone whos telling me they wanna grudge fuck me bc i have extintential philosophers words tattoos up my arm, and then jump from a well worded rape fanatasy back to intellectual artistic expresssionary approach debate and metjod, use, deploymwnt methods and how they more prolifically provide correct walls of sound they assail the sensations of emotions in pattern sufficient to stimulate a response.

and were talking, then its almost six.

finn has to leave for "work" soon.

hes recording one of the three bands he plays in this a.m.

here i am, on cam talking like were actually getting to know, and enjoy knowing who each other are, with this man

a sound engineer for 10 Years touring company.

Actually. what the actual fuck is happening right now.

he looks like youd expect, having seen these guys on t.v and all, hes tall...6'1 not super tall but taller.

hes stocky and has bushy curly short hair and a clean face, complete with black shirts, wrist bands, leather vest/whatever material that is... the typical rock guy look. and youngish. p young looking yeah.

and i could see it all his house was fucking unreal the shit in that house, the music, drum sets . bass processors, computers studio monitors mic stands... and just i forgot about itnall speaking to him for three and a half hours bc he thinks so fucking different from anyone ive met before him. completely challanges every basic assumption of society that he can.

but then has the self discipline to make this all happen by his age. has the real world common sence, the extraverted thinking to handle the nessesary tedium that makes it possible for this creative energy to become something, and be used and marketed and produce a way to live for himself.

he confounds me sideways. these two opposite people, one part myself, one part my opposite???

i almost tell myself he wants it worse then i do, but thats not it, it cant be it. id die for it.

i would do anything. id give anything, go anywhere, crawl to china. id lose anything, live anything, repeat this entire awful miserable unbearable horrific life ive had three times for it.

id do anything anything id go to the ends of the earth id forsake anyone, id suffer any loss to get just a moment of chance

a moment a single opportunity is all id need and i would light a fucking fire so large it would blind everyone involved.

so yeah i want this sound in my head out, and onto an album just as bad as him or anyone so its not that he wants it worse.

so what then? why is this kid able to be me, and then some...and also not be me enough to actually be living the life he is already?

is it bc its not real? is that it? make me feel better. tell me that i am valid since im tragic enough to

have this incredible talent and yet at the same time have it come from something inside so FUCKED that having it means never being known, never heard, never shine bright like the fact of my creative passion could, and be unlived, then die never having spoken to the world like i should have could have would have

bc im valid so. bc im better. make me feel better. tell me its bc i am REALLY fucked. not pretend fucked for the sake of fashion in rock. not forced or mimiced or copied. and thats what he is right bc if not he wouldnt be well enough to make this happen.

but then, i know its a lie.

i wanna believe it, but i know its a lie. a beautiful, perfect lie. bc i know if i got the part out of the way that cripples me, id still have the rest to write from and create from. and still be capable of what i have been since birth.

so...im lazy? am i lazy? internally, mentally lazy? like or just for aomeone who loves to take pride in their pain, am unable to take the pain of change inside that facilitates the construction of a life like finns... what is it? do i just watch finn now and wait for a secret thats never coming?

I HAVE A DREAM. A NIGHTMARE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD IT OVER AND OVER. IN IT I AM 70 YEARS OLD , THO ILL NEVER REALLY MAKE IT TO THAT AGE, THE IDEA REMAINS THAT MY LIFE HAS COME AND GONE AND IM GREY AND WRINKLED AND LIEING DOWN AS I GASP FOR BREATH AND THEN I SEE AROUND MY BODY FROM ABOVE

im alone. poor. broke. in beggars clothes. in the gutter, in the filthy city streets, in the cold in winter. im that homeless decay you pass for the smell and then i die there. and thats it. thats what i let happen. i let this go on unti, i ran out of time to change it, and i never did a rhing. never made it, never finally got the shit insode out, never began to burn bright, never started playing live, never recorded, never anything. the thing inside i have that i alone see the magnitude of, and would only have ever really shown to anyone through true sucsess, it never MEANT A F U C K I N G T H I N G A T A L L

now in this mornings call with finn, i begin to see that dream take shape in my reality. soon. its creeping with an slythe above its shoulder just behind me. im here alone like this. deluding myself that this little computer screen is somehow a substitute for a real relationship, delluding myself that i actually am this sad imaginary projection i want to be lercieved as in this fake little digital world. making due with this as if its even happening for real . as of anyone or any idea on this small machine in my lap is life, or love, or me, or actual.

but here where my body is, where i cant take a good picture of me to hide my age, where my personality disorders are, where i am weird and different , where i am an addict, where i am unconventional and do things others wont want near them bcmof the risk i bring to myself, where my body is. my real body .... here there is not a fucking person with or like me. i have some temporary help as i stumble foolishly through my fucked circumstamce from my family, that ofc is going aay everyday, as that nightmare i mentioned begins to take shape. bc they gonna die before me unless i take my death into my oen hands and then that nightmare i have will have shaped fully and begin looking me in the eyes.

so, here i am. 10 a.m.

fuck this guy.

hes sexy, he wants me, and hes my type as in in another life serious boyfriend material . no kids, no phobics, trans or homo, no issues seeing me as who i am, and then also my creative and intellectual counterpart. and hes not very far like a w hour drive. and alllllllll so it makes it feel odd bc he seems like the worst thing for me, that only this situation would develope the addition of feelings have no room for amidst my chaos... i need to be LESS in romance with ppl not fucking MORE... or have someone else establish those feelings for me either just either way..bad idea. and so fuck him

mean it fuck this guy.

fuck this finn, robert whatever and fuck his life

fuck his guitars.

like i needed this shit? i needed to see this? needed to know him? or to have him that, weird weird convo for that long ...the longest ive spoken to someone new in years at once , and not even wind up wanting me for a nut before he got off the vam etc... just fuck this shit.

but not that it seems like that with him, im a combo of not romantic at all, and already emotionally spoken for HARDCORE by aomeone i am trying and fightimg with all i can to stop, STOP being romantically attached to.. so.. no new fucked romance crap for me please. i mention it bc it seems like what happens to me usially, and for no other reason then that.

but as for what i am SURE OF WITH FINN..for tnat... F U C K him

reminding me that im more then shit, reminding me that im throwing away things thousands of people never get to have or would kil, to be able to do like i can. remininding me that im more then this 4 a.m. methamphetamine induced desperate attempt to distract myself from throwing myself away, and relive the pain again, once more, one ,ore gimme one more time always...always need one more sex session where i live out how my father never loved or accepted or appreciated me in my own head again, and keep that defining pain in Clear FUCKING FOCUS FOREVER. KEEP IT HERE. KEEP THAT PAIN HERE. RIGHT IN MY ARMS, CRADLE IT, CLOSE TO MY CHEST, CLOSE TO MY HEART , EMBRACE FEED NURTURE IT GROW IT, LET ITS POISON VINES GROW INTO MY SKIN AND FEED ME FILTH HAPPILY, always one more man, one more moment of disrespect, one more instamce of debasing myself to remind me why i ket myself almost die in a hospital last winter, why ill be sleeping in the cold wind again before spring, and why ill never walk right again or run at all. why im this old and sti,, here, remind me why im trapped by my that talent im so thoughtlessly wasting daily, and...

finn reminds me. fuck him.

he reminds me im doing it , in at least part, by choice.

he takes my excuse away. takes away my escape.

lies, inside lies, inside lies..... finn shows up at 3 a.m. when ur only awake to do things like throw away potential of this magnitude and destroy your human body.

invades my momemt of distraction from the truth of how responsible i really am for this now, and reminds me that

its still out there. the chance i wanted, the opportunity to get the music out and realize that potential ratner then become that 25 year nightmare i have in my future currently...

tne hope, the possibility, the chance to burn finally

burn bright like a star, and shine so hard i can be seen for miles and miles by millions of people

its stil, out there.

fuck finn. i didnt need to remember that.

bc i am what i predict, i am what i know i will do. i am what i will and i dont have that other thing he does. common sense, extraverted thinking, strength to rid myself the demons so i can at least get it going. i dont have it, and im to terrified to let go the crutch ive found that gets me by with the maniac mind i carry and endure. i am not him, and i can not gather the strength to face the world without my crutch so i can then rise to the talent i toss in the trash more each day. i wont even consider it. its all ive got here. its all ive found through all this bullshit life thats made it even half way tolerable. and weather for my own better, weather i be to weak to sacrafice, weather i be to cowardice to dare to even attempt, or be to patnetic to for once FOR ONE TIME TAKE SOME PAIN FOR MY BENEFIT RATHER THEN MY DESTRUCTION.... even if its all true and i am very very responsible for how this hapoens here...

its ok.

bc that just makes me real right? and ive got that. and ill have it now, the rest of the way, to finish the ride,

all of the ride. ill have it. the truth, il. have that i was so cursed and gifted by the same thing that it overcame itself in me

and il. have that genuine authenticity, il. have that close as i finish this ride. the rest of the way.

all of the way.

all the

FuCkINg wAy DOWN

down down down down the only place im gonna go

and il. see finn from underneath, and everyone else who heard of or knew me from below

where i will burn in hell