#and if i am stupid and dont do that. well i will take it to keep the pain down a bit in the meantime

[aquagirl1978]

Fact or Fable (also known as "How the Heck Isaac Ending Up Wearing *That* Dress)

Arthur: Hey Newt, come in here!

Dazai: Yeah, Ai-kun, come join us.

Isaac: *grumbling* What do you two want?

Arthur: We're playing a little game and thought you could join us?

Isaac: I don't like the way you're smiling.

Dazai: Don't you wanna play this game with us? It's fun, I promise.

Isaac: I don't like the sound of this.

Arthur: *pushing Isaac into a chair* It's really very simple...

Arthur: *ignoring Isaac's glare* Dazai will tell us a statement and we will take turns saying if it is a fact about Dazai or if it is from a Japanese fable.

Dazai: If you guess wrong, you drink a shot. If you guess right, the other drinks the shot. Sounds fun, right?

Isaac: Ehhh...

Dazai: Great, you're in! Let's start with Arthur so you can see how it's played. Arthur, fact or fable - when I was little, I wore a bowl on my head.

Arthur: Fact!

Dazai: Wrong - drink a shot. That was from the Tale of Hachikazuki, I should have a copy of it in my room if either of you would like to read it.

(Isaac shakes his head while Arthur drinks his shot)

Dazai: Very well. Ai-kun, this one is for you. Fact or fable - I was born in a peach.

Isaac: You have to be kidding me.

Dazai: I assure you, I am quite serious.

Isaac: Fable. No human can be born from a peach.

Dazai: And you would be correct, that is from the tale of Momotarō. Arthur, take another shot.

(This went on for a few rounds, each of which Arthur was made to drink a shot)

Isaac: *looks at Arthur* You're drunk.

Arthur: *smiles* So then you don't mind upping the ante on this next one?

Arthur: *pulls out bag he had hidden away* Answer this wrong, and you'll have to wear this outfit

Isaac: And if I answer correctly?

Arthur: I will wear it.

Isaac: *shakes hands with a drunk Arthur* You're on.

Dazai: Fact or fable - I have a koi pond here at the mansion.

Isaac: *spoken quite confidently* Fable!

Dazai: I'm sorry Ai-kun, but that answer is incorrect.

Isaac: *standing from his seat, voice getting louder* What do you mean, wrong? I dont see a koi pond anywhere in this mansion. Not outside. Not inside. Not a single pond.

Dazai Oh, but I do. I never said it was a pond with actual water. I have a painting in my room of a koi pond. Painted it myself, would you like to see it?

Isaac: No, I do not want to see it!

(A very sober Isaac fell back onto his seat, screaming silently knowing his fate)

Arthur: Just sit in the carriage.

Isaac: How 'bout no.

Arthur: C'mon Newt, you lost fair and square.

Isaac: There was no agreement to actually go somewhere dressed like this.

Arthur: Rules change. Now get in the carriage.

Isaac: No.

Arthur: Do you want me to start yelling and then everyone in the mansion will come out and see you?

(Isaac grumbles as he climbs into the carriage)

Arthur: *holds out a shiny red apple* Now take this.

Isaac: What? No, I don't want your stupid apple.

Arthur: You know you want the apple.

(Isaac took the apple and held it for a moment before tossing it at Arthur's head)

Arthur: Hey! That was a perfectly good apple there. You could have fed it to this horse.

Isaac: Are we done here? Have you had your fill of amusement?

Arthur: Yeah, yeah. You can go. I suggest you go in through the back. You don't want anyone else to see you dressed like this.

#ikemen series #ikemen vampire #ikevamp #isaac newton #ikevamp isaac #arthur conan doyle #ikevamp arthur #dazai osamu #ikevamp dazai #ikemen fanfic #ikevamp fanfic #otome #otome games #otome fanfic

[deoidesign]

.

#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without' #I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk. #can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work... #for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well! #it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to. #but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end... #I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too. #but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk. #anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better. #but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much. #and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so... #I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better. #and I'm just crying because of all this combined. #I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

[good-wine-and-cheese]

Gambling Apocalypse Tenma AU

As I rewatch Kaiji I inevitably end up wanting to combine show I like with other show I like and stuffing fav characters into show. So here we are.

This was uh going to be a short summary type thing but I accidentally wrote a novella about it sorry

This AU starts off with a much more depressive Tenma. After Tobio's death, rather than immediately pour his grief into developing a robot version of his son, he recedes into himself, psychologically paralyzed, likely turning to alcohol to drown out his anguish.

His mental state is taken as an opportunity within the Ministry of Science to have him ejected from his position; Tenma was never the most well-liked director, and there were those with ambition to usurp him that would jump at the chance. Not that he especially cares in his state.

He's eventually dragged out of his stagnation by Ochanomizu - who, inadvertently, becomes the very catalyst pushing Tenma to develop a robot replacement to his child. This was not what he meant by encouraging Tenma to fill the void left by his son.

...But, well, he is no longer the director of the Ministry of Science. His access to limitless government funds and resources for "scientific research" has been cut off, and this is a project he cannot finance on his own. He can't ask Ochanomizu for help, but...interestingly...a representative of a certain shady organization known as the Teiai Corporation reaches out to him, offering to finance and support his project. A sane and well-minded Tenma might think better of it, but grieving and desperate, Tenma accepts their offer and is able to create a robot in the image of his beloved Tobio. For a while, there's joy in his life.

But the bill, as ever, comes due: Tenma must pay up, and the very resources that had been at his disposal will certainly ensure that he will, or else. Of course, he doesn't have the money; instead, he is given a choice. He can relinquish the robot Tobio in order to wipe out his debt - the child is a sophisticated and powerful robot, after all - or he can participate in a certain illicit event hosted by the Teiai Corporation.

It's nothing major...just a four-hour gambling cruise with a collection of desperate, damned souls that were also swept into debt with Teiai. The conditions are simple: Those who choose to participate are given a chance to clear their debts wholesale should they win. And should they lose...?

Well...no one really knows what happens to the losers seized by Teiai. It's said that they labour away their debts under Teiai's watchful eye and are freed once their work has covered their debts, though it's rumoured that most perish before they reclaim freedom.

There's only one answer Tenma can give, of course; he's not willing to lose Tobio again.

Thus is Tenma's debut into the Gambling Apocalypse, where he must become cutthroat in order to survive; if he wants to see his son again, he must make choices that will doom the hapless to miserable servitude, with a nonzero chance it ends in their death.

He survives the cruise, but of course, it was hardly enough to clear his debt; the cruise was never going to be the end of it. Teiai doesn't let go of its victims that easily. He will be called on again: this is a weight that hangs over him, all while he returns to his son Tobio. The same hands that have pushed innocents into hell must now be the hands that can embrace his child.

He wants to protect Tobio from the truth and enjoy what peaceful moments he's allowed with his son, but it's difficult. It's difficult to be the parent of a child who cannot understand the danger that looms ahead; this "happy" home is not to last. Tenma angers quickly and easily. He turns that anger onto Tobio.

As Teiai's games become more and more vicious and unrelenting, as his conscience holds onto the last vestiges of thread that remain, Tenma even threatens, once, to give the boy in: it would all end, then; the debt would be clear and no longer would he have to endure Tobio's childish annoyances, his ungratefulness.

The next time that Tenma is beckoned, Tobio takes matters into his own hands. He does understand, now; and he would have, if only Tenma had bothered to explain sooner. If it's a debt that needs clearing, he will work. He will help his father clear his debts however he can. Of course, it's difficult to find work as a child; but a circus troupe finds amusement in the idea of a child robot, and takes him in. He is whisked into a certainly unpleasant working situation, but he remembers his father, and what he must be enduring. Tobio, also, will endure.

When Tenma returns, Tobio is gone.

All that held Tenma back from becoming something monstrous has disappeared. All that kept him going has disappeared. When he is called upon by Teiai, there is no knowing what sort of person might come out the other end; whether a monster clawing his way to freedom regardless of what actions he must take, or a desolate husk surrendering defeat.

There is still a light, however dim: Found by Professor Ochanomizu and rescued from the circus, Tobio - now Atom - is able to shed light on the situation which Tenma took great pains to keep hidden from his old friend. With time running out, Ochanomizu and Atom must do what they can to save Tenma - from Teiai, and from himself.

-----

UHHH and that's a wrap!!!! I couldn't quite decide which way Tenma would go after hitting Rock Bottom in this AU, and tbh it would really depend on the kind of mental state he's in at the time. On the one hand I like the narrative of Ochanomizu and Tobio racing to prevent Tenma from crossing a line (actual outright murder probably) - or having to pull him back into humanity (and yknow, his ensuing penance)

But on the other hand having him get sent to Teiai Evil Hell Prison would be interesting because a) there's a lot of narrative potential having Tenma faced with what Teiai is doing with the people that lose the games and b) need him to decimate the foreman at chinchirorin Kaiji style

Tenma's whole character is definitely a much different guy in this AU, he starts off pretty sympathetic, the guy you wanna root for, he just ends up having an inverse character arc where he gets worse instead of better. His conflict with "Tobio" is also kind of reversed, less about being unsatisfied with Tobio as a son and more not being able to handle the fact that he probably has intense PTSD now and isnt capable of coping with it in a way conducive to being a parent (or like, coping at all)

Anyway that's gambling apocalypse tenma!!!

#umataro tenma #long post #well that became a novel. sorry lmao #in my mind teiai's evil hell prison in astro boy verse would probably be quite a bit different than regular kaiji #like. fuckin. weapons manufacturing for teiai or something like that. or scary bad danger robots. horrifying concept #Tenma would be a valuable asset to them whether by giving up Atom or by losing in death game hell and being forced to work for em #and if he dies? they can just take atom #get him out of there. #I'm also thinkin of who Teiai would be represented by.....the snakey loan sharks u could easily put skunk in there. #but who is an evil fucked up sadist billionaire. theres probably someone who could be fucked up enough I just dont know offhand #and im allergic to mischaracterizing in AUs lol im not gonna make a slightly bad guy into an evil freakguy. so. Hyoudou is just himself. #if you squint this could be considered an 80s astro boy AU..has a cruise arc & not actually giving atom away #but man. that tenma LEAST of all deserves this fate lmao #do I want to write fic of this? yes. will I? not likely! #I can just smell it dude this would be some crazy fuckoff 100k shit I am not ready brother #also it would just be soooooo so so so so so edgy. I dont really enjoy writing intensely grim stuff w/ little to no respite #also tbh. I am too stupid. LOL. I cannot write clever gambles alas

[todayisafridaynight]

getting wigs for characters with the same hair color as myself make me feel like the biggest dumbass around but youd have me fucked thinking im burdening myself with daigos 2000's emo cut just for a weekend

#snap chats #a weekend is generous im only going to the con on saturday #i like how im making it sound like anime nyc is this weekend when its at the end of august LMAO BUT NO LISTEN #unfortunately beauty influencers have finally done their job right and this one guy was reviewing an eyebrow pencil #but the twist is that this pencil was like. SUPPPER STUPID FINE im talkin .08mm and he demonstrated how it could imitate stubble #SO OF COURSE. my ass wanted to see for myself cause as much as i like my sponge-stippling method its not super precise #and that shit gets annoying when most of it looks fine but then i press too hard or i angle the sponge wrong and now i gotta start over #In Any Case the pencil i got did exactly as i hoped and its actually p fun putting on LMAO. i prefer how it looks too #anyway how this all relates to this post. im probably gonna go as y2 daigo again for anime nyc in august #and I Repeat im not cutting my hair for that LMAO so. Wig 😩 #i like it when i cosplay him cause i just go by his actual design cause if i even breathe near skinny jeans ill wanna kms #also i just like to be as accurate as i can be yk. plus the leather pants i have are cozy and theyre one of my fave pairs of pants 🤤 #in any case. whenever that wig comes in ermmmmm i dont trust myself to take pictures 😞 my selfie game is dick #maybe ill stream yk2 LMAO but anyway. good night i think im gonna force myself to sleep now #i got back to my dorm like four hours ago or whatever and i am not looking forward to doing school shit again. alongside comm shit #OH WELL we ball good night #wait before i Good Night cackling as i have my meds next to my aoki tablet and plush #great reminder honestly. Take Your Meds Or You'l Convince Yourself To Be A Republican #ok goodnight fr now im gonna giggle and kick my feet thinking of cosplay

[toastsnaffler]

thinking abt the touden siblings got me sniffling and weeping....

#im.too emotional abt them to properly explain #just rly glad to see autistic characters in media that i can deeply relate to and share experiences with. its such a rare thing #and i feel so protective of them i dont give a fuck abt fandom normally but some ppls bad takes lately are getting under my skin #like just say u hate autistic people and leave. stop calling laios a fucking freak im going to kill you with my bare hands #ppl think theyre so smart and funny for making posts like haha hes thr type of autistic that makes everyone uncomfortable and wish he- #would shut up or go away. im going to start hitting u with a brick until ur a bloody pulp #and thw way ppl treat falin so differently just bc shes not a guy. even tho theyre both clearly autistic and struggle socially #like wow thats crazy. do you act this way abt autistic ppl irl too #whatever just liberally blocking ppl abt it i dont fucking wanna see ur stupid posts #anyway.. back to thjnking abt their backstories and crying a little. masculinely of course #man i am soooo tired im so glad its the weekend i want to melt into a puddle and soak into the carpet and stain it forever #but we dont.have carpet.in this flat so.i guess ill just go to bed...... #well maybe a little elden ring first #i would reallt like to draw sometime this weekend too. need to muster up some creative courage #but thats a problem for tomorrow... zzz #.diaries

[catominor]

This Years Thoughts On Reading. tbh

the past year i read a lot more than i had in quite some time. to be fair, i didn't finish most of the books i started, didn't start most of the books i want to read, and spent most of my time wasting time on social media still (i don't know why i can't stop doing this. i don't even enjoy it past a certain point). i didn't do well in my university classes. but for a really long time i've found it very difficult to read at all, even to read fiction. i read a lot of fiction (by my standards) this year, especially historical fiction set in ancient rome (though i also read some other good books, favorites among which are probably queer by william burroughs, night side of the river by jeannette winterson, and invisible cities by italo calvino. i also read quite a few short stories and a bit of poetry), i read or started /some/ nonfiction, i read or started /some/ ancient literature, and i had a poem and a short story published in my university's poetry journal and newspaper respectively...

but, really, i feel a little in over my head. i don't really feel like i can do this, by which i mean i still don't think i'm trying hard enough at university. i feel behind everyone else, despite the fact that since i've transferred to a different university having done 2 years before, i still have this and another year before i graduate. even though most of the people in my year will be 2 years younger than me i feel like i am behind them (did i mention that i did badly on my exams last year?)

especially before university i was never a particularly good student, honestly (i was like. a C average, though in my 3rd and 4th years of high school i started to try a little harder) and i think i spend a lot of time now fruitlessly wishing that i had tried harder and taken more of an interest in things. i still wish i tried harder. i still wish that passion was enough to fuel me to actually focus on filling out my historical reading. i wish i just didn't feel so stupid sometimes, honestly. sometimes i'll open a book that's a bit dense or technical and it just makes me feel like the biggest idiot in the world. i wish i was better at articulating my thoughts. i also wish i understood literary analysis or criticism. in a lot of ways now i feel dumber than i was a few years ago, and i don't know why.

#on a lighter note at least i can post about cato on here.even though i may be stupid i think i can be a little funny about history sometimes #tbh. books that made me feel stupid this year: thomas yingling's hart crane and the homosexual text. i tried to read this and it was #utterly incomprehensible to me. which was so sad because i absolutely adore hart crane he's my favorite poet. and also weird cause crane's #poems are also very obscure and hard to understand but one of the few things that makes me Not feel stupid is that i enjoy them and at leas #sort-of understand them to the degree one can (even people who study him admit that he is very difficult) #and books that made me kind of feel stupid but also feel like reading them was making me smarter: girard's violence and the sacred. i am #only like. 2 chapters into it and it takes me days to read one because it's so dense however it's one of those books that like. i can feel #it reordering the way i think about things. it's sooo fascinating and good and i started it cause i heard ppl talking about it on here #honestly i think a lot of my problems around the kind of thing in the post with school though is that i was always this person where everyo #would constantly tell me how well i could do if i would only try harder. but the problem is i just Couldnt try harder. i dont know why and #still dont know why i cant do it. it was constantly told to me that i had Potential. but i can never.actually access this supposed Potentia

[soldier-poet-king]

Spent so long trying to separate my brain from the vague and undefined essence of My Being to survive the Mental Illness that I basically re-enacted Gnosticism 2.0 and not to be like, that's why my OCD emerged later than my more common flavoured generalized anxiety& chronic depression Brainrot, but it definitely Did Not Help. And now that I am (sometimes) at peace with my mind and given that I am no longer spending every waking moment trying to stay alive I have time to reflect on the lasting body-mind-soul division that I've created for myself and like. It fuckin sucks. I hate the body. I hate that I hate the body and being an incarnate creature. But also. It's so bad wrong awful. And tbh I still hate the mind a lot many days too!

#anyway bryn ur post is SO right and u are as always. correct #i just didnt wanna hijack it w rambles #but yeah.theee mental illness has done a number on me in many ways #but yeah the uh. body. we hate to see it. hate to have it. #smtn smthn tmg hebrews 11.40 i will get my perfect body back someday #if not by faith then by the sword im going to be restored. vibe. of it qll #also in the sparrow 2 emiliom talks abt this. and why he cant just get over what happened to him physically #because it was also a repeated assault of his soul #like yeah theres a lot of dynamics there re. divine abandonment and assault. but hes basically right #viz. my own hm horrible terrible no good very bad existence #sometimes i am terrified of eternity not for the usual reasons (im always terrified for those reasons its the ocd and existentialism) #but also for the like. physical resurrection??? in my religion??? fuck no. i DONT want that #i have to be stuck in this stupid ass form forever? #i cant even *** to get out of it ITS FOREVER #i want. to be a genderless shapeless benevolent void. maybe i can take on physical form when i want need #like the angels. i dont want THIS #anyway yeah yeah I'm trying but it just keeps getting harder #nothing fits right or looks right and im at the mercy of genetics giving me a body i dont want #and I cant even just sweat it out in agony bc oh boy look! youve now developed chronic joint pain TOO #if i cant look like i do in my mind i might as well be strong and powerful #but oh no. bitch is gonna get SO many physical ailments too #I DON'T WANNA DIE BUT I DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THIS #franposting #brought to u by. button up shirt didnt sit right today. hips too thick for anything. have a whole extra goddam organ in my stomach #which i hate and do not want or need #etc etc etc

[coconutdays]

I’m not kidding when I say your suguru is so boyfriend coded I need him so bad 😭🩷

No cause me too

BITES FIST

I would act so RIGJT for him he’s so wksnsksnskd

#fun fact abt violet #im a dick irl like love life wise #✋I’m a nightmare #I drop guys like flies #Im a bitch bc I am not playing along with the stupid ‘so when am I gonna see you’ bs #and i just don’t care??? bc the only way to get me to care is if you’re eveyrhing i want #anyways #suguru would break that facade instantly #I WOULD ACT SO RIGHT FOR BAE #and nanami and choso #(toji and gojo…well it would take some tussling before I softened up) #but theyre tuff they can do it to makeup for being bitches #AHAHAHAHA but yes I too love boyfriend sugu #I dont try to make him that way #he just writes himself that way and I’m like okok go off king

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

everyday i get closer and closer to writing wholesome fluffy gerbert rpf entirely out of spite for the bert villianizers who turned me away from listening to the used for years

#every day i feel the need to apologize to bert mccracken for just. blindly taking fanfic depections of hom as fact #in my defense i was in middle school and i had never heard of the used to i didnt realize he was a real person for a WHILE #and then once i figured out he was real i literally knew nothing abt him aside from what was in fics and they all treated him the same way #so i just assumed there was some fact behind it ig?? 😭 #and then as i got older it just sort of clicked that Oh Yeah all of this shit us Made Up and maybe i should Fact Check This #and now the used is one of my favorite bands and i love bert so much and i am still so fucking angry that everyone fucking treated him like #shit for absolutely no reason they just. needed a villan? #actually no ik the reason is bc he fucking struggled with addiction and people love to villianize addicts #especially bc hes seen as more masculine than gerard so even tho gerard struggled with addiction too HES not the villian bc hes too SWEET #and PURE and SOFT #but bert's seen as more masc and tough and loud so OBVIOUSLY that makes him a violent and abusive addict bc ppl love to equate masculinity #with 'strength' and violence and i could absolutely write a whole fucking paper on this topic if i had time to organize my thoughts #and idk if im even articulating this well rn but yeah. it makes me so fucking angry and disappointed and maybe its a stupid solution but i #know there are still SO many fics out where that do this shit and ik its still fucking with ppls perceptions of bert bc ive seen it!!! #ive seen ppl talk shit abt him and they dont even know *why* theyre talking shit #they just think hes an asshole bc of bullshit theyve heard/read and im sick of it!!!! im gonna write a novel where hes the hero just to #spite you fucks!!!! fuck!

[carcarrot]

i guess im being offered the job lol

#i didnt even have to interview????? here i was worrying about oh god going for an interview #but i guess not??? #manager called me just now and was like hey i spoke w the people they want to know if you can start on these dates #like. okay??????? #theres a week of training for me to do and then the following week id start at thee job #like an idiot as i was saying bye on the phone i only remembered then that i should have asked if it was PAID training ugh. #im assuming so . but maybe not. idk #im gonna call him back on monday to give my answer #this is it.... i may finally be free of the annoying people.... #but like anything i have my trepidations. bc who know if itll work out #well thats life. as the song goes #fortunately im still within the timeframe to change the amount for my commuter benefits pretax card thing #bc the monthly pass id need for the new job #costs like less than half of what i pay now for the bus to ny #crazyyyyy. anyway i gotta do that if i decide to take the job #its more money (a little. but still more. ok its like a dollar and 4 cents more. which not a lot but still) #i get more sleepytime (always good) and im saving on commuting #plus ill only have to pay nj (and federal) taxes. instead of also paying ny yay. thats good #sorry again weighing the pros and cons onstage here #UH. what else #well a shorter commute is good but it means less reading/music listening time #although ive only resumed reading recently lol #idk. well then i could read at home and not worry about my books getting messed up #these past couple weeks ive been :( that the like 70-something year old paperback ive been taking is getting a bit rougher #only a little. but yesterday it got a bit wet bc my bag got soaked in the rain #why am i taking a super old book to work well i dont know what to tell you we have some old books #ok getting off topic. everything seems good about the new job so fuck dude i guess ill go for it #finally free of the stupid people here.... on to new stupid people (undoubtedly) #well it's probably all good then but unfortunately i always worry what if it isnt. hm

[kirbyddd]

barkbarkbark Riichi Book I's writing is like screeching chalkboard to my game designer's, translator's, and writer's ears all at once

it's got great concepts buried in there but it's in like the most anti-comprehension packaging conceivable

#what the hell is wrong with you #folks like you are the BANE of game designers everywhere #and game PLAYERS for that matter #THIS is the best strategy reference the English speaking world's got? #baddabingbaddaboom ladies and gentlemen #im about to make bank writing the West's first riichi primer that actually meets the standards of the modern analogue game industry #(which to be honest is abysmal right now the industry's in an insane 'text free' fad right now where every word is replaced with a symbol) #alright then im gonna set the new standard then #imma bout to do for Riichi Mahjong what i did for Ryuutama Traversées 🫸🤛 #and for all the dudes at unpub who know how to design incredible games but dont know how to write instructions #alright sorry I'll calm down #but seriously i am gonna start throwing together an actually quality-controlled guide #cause every english resource ive found so far has been like this... inconsistent and full of holes and omissions in explanations #chiba talks about the game's strategic immaturity in the west... well it's got an even bigger gap of educational immaturity #anyways.... I'll toss a bit of effort that way #we'll see how far i take it #I'll either make a few loose articles or a fully fledged book. no in between #god i dont have the energy to make another book when i dont even know if Traversées is ever gonna see the light of day #100% complete full color layout and everything. publishing limbo is real and it's every bit as stupid and unnecessary as you think. #(my case is much simpler than most though cause im only working with two small publishers rather than a big corp) #but still. damn #anyways im so tempted to throw some of my rulebook magic at riichi while it's got my interest #not like i need to write a strategy tome the game just needs a professional quality introduction #don't make me do it i absolutely will do it #i did it for ryuutama when no one wanted to give a decent publication-quality localization for the supplements #and by garriot i will do it for riichi mahjong too if no one gives me a quality guide. i aint afraid of a global high strategy game #<- manic #(im not manic im just extremely restless having not been able to do any solid design work in a while and this book is getting me riled up) #cause it's like “i could write such a more coherent rulebook and HAVE written a more coherent rulebook. so why don't i do it again?” #the Disease is why. but maybe I'll give it a shot anyways if i get a second wind (i guess im otakaze right now harharharhar)

[local-limebug]

what the fuck is up with the rise in trans hate how are people this sensitive about what someone else wants to do with their own body

#limebug.txt #literally its my life and i can live it however i want #and if the people around me try to stop me i WILL cut them off idc who they are i'm sorry #just fucking. let people live. god #if i let my hate win the way bigots let theirs win i'd be fucking lynched by religious mobs #insult my identity and i have to deal with it cause its your freedom of speech but i insult yours and i'm gonna go to a fake bad place?? #god i hate religious people sometimes #so many transphobes either call it a mental illness or hate it because god said so and both of those are such STUPID takes #religion. well thats self explanatory #but mental illness?? #that tells me everything i need to know about what they think of actual mentally ill people too #you wanna stop ppl from transitioning because its mental illness?? gonna take away bodily autonomy from other mentally ill ppl too now?? #and ik they do with institutionalization and shit but that's such bs too #people deserve help but they only need to be locked up if they are hurting someone else #that's my controversial opinion for the day: people who only harm themselves dont deserve to have their autonomy taken away #even if they are hurting themselves. you can try to help but if someone doesnt want help then leave them tf alone #and what really differentiaties piercings and tattoos from 'self mutilation' anyway #'god made you one way you cant change' fucking cry about it. humans have made the technology and i am going to utilize it #i will desecrate the face of god without hesitation. #i will mutilate myself gladly. i should have the legally protected right to mutilate myself because it falls under bodily autonomy. #transphobes are not the brightest

[toastsnaffler]

oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great

#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks #when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening. #but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks #unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍 #i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it. #and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future #well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives #and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid #ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled #sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway #at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way #anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work #and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine #i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me #half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it #i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy #jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet #hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire #.vent #hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time

[ratmans-notebooks]

im to fucking kill eveyrone in this house and then myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#squeaking #i wanted people to LEAVE today so i could actuyally GET SHIT DONE #but now my mom is sick so shes fucking staying home #AND #AND !!!! #MY DAD IS FUCKING COMING HOME AS WELL TO 'HELP OUT'. #HELP OUT WQITH FUCKING WHAT????????????????? #.ONE MORE FUCKING PERSON IN THIS STUPOID HOUSE IS GOING TO DO NOTHING BUT FUCK EWVERTYTHING UP #WE DONT NEED FIVE WHOLE PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE JUST FOR THE SIMPLE TASK OF DOING OUR HOMEWORK #i cant fucking take this AND #i went to bed at TWO A M #after waking up at 5 am the Previouis morning #and i havent gotten half the shit done that i wanted AND OUR STUPID PRIONTER IS FUCKING BROKEN #SO I HAVE TO ORDER MY STUPID PICTURES FROM CVS #negative

[clumsyclifford]

x

#stuff #without saying too much. i am really having a moment rn. #sometimes. i just #okay so like. the round peg fits in the square hole ykwim? so i was like. makes perfect sense #and those corners where nothing fits WELL nothing to worry about that is just Quirks and Idiosyncrasies! #and naturally it never. NEVER ONCE!!!! NEVER O N C E !!!!!!!! OCCURRED TO ME!!!! THAT PERHAPS!!! A SQUARE PEG EXISTED!!!!!! #TO FILL IN THOSE MOTHERFUCKING CORNERS!!!!!!!!!! #i want to bash my head into a staircase #perspective is literally just an ongoing realization that you were so fucking stupid every second until right now #duhhhhhh square peg exists. it exists specifically to go in the square hole. put the god damn pieces together you motherfucking idiot. #throw the round peg AWAY YOU DONT NEED IT!!!! #it's like it's like #okay it's like this #in neurochemistry. like in neurotransmitters and drugs and shit there's two ways a drug can act on the brain #there's agonists and antagonists #oh and inverse antagonists #an agonist binds to the neuron's neurotransmitter receptors and mimics the effect of an endogenous NT #antagonist binds to the receptors but doesn't do anything except take up space aka prevent real NTs from binding #however INVERSE antagonists. they will bind to the neuron and have. the OPPOSITE effect as the desired NT #you get an inverse antagonist to bind to your neurons and it's like yessss you feel this way you experience this thing #but now. like. get that inverse antagonist outta here. now the actual NTs flood in. and they are like #theyre like hey man you dont feel that way or experience that thing at all actually. idk why you thought you did but You Don't #anyway thats where im at #havin a normal one as you can clearly see #edit edit edit they are inverse AGONISTS i just cant read and cant edit the tags because mobile #inverse AGONISTS not antagonists #this matters to zero people

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god. #and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄 #unrelated