#and i've been avoiding it for over a year because i can't bring myself to write this dang next scene

[senadimell]

uuuuugggggggh, I really want this fic to be ALREADY finished at the same level of quality that I produced for the opening bit

(which i guess expecting it to be done and easy discredits how much work went into the opening bit but still....it’s so so far from being done and i wish it was already done because i want to find someone who is also in love with this idea and analysis and talk to them about it)

#look it's a crossover so it's going to be doomed to obscurity #and the fact that i'm trying to ape danged sir terry pratchett does not make this any easier #BUT NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO WRITE THIS IDEA SO GUESS I'M STUCK WITH WRITING IT #i've got about four fics total... #i've only got about four fics total...but only one is conceivably close to completion #and two are frankly above my skill level (this is one of them) #but...i get the feeling that these things are so niche that i am the only one who's gonna properly speak them into existence #(not necessarily niche as in no one will enjoy them but i also zero expect to find someone else writing them the way i want) #if only i had more energy more often to do anything other than army-drag myself once a week to working on any one of them #rose-ten cyborg dystopia thing that combines my favorite fandom-specific tropes has a monster plot #and i've been avoiding it for over a year because i can't bring myself to write this dang next scene #martha character analysis piece is super dang hard because i'm laser focused on every line (i swear i'm gonna have to be a poet or somthng #because i don't think i'm cut out for novel-ing with the amount of scrutiny that each line gets) #and also the martha piece involves Sensitive Subjects and Heavy Things that require respectful research and so. much. thought #susan character study/science-fangirling piece's end is literally in sight but i keep not writing it because i have to do describing #(i hate describing. it's so hard. stupid plot and things that happened are way harder than conversations or thoughts) #and also the remaining scene and ending involves writing about some kinda heavy stuff #then this crossover piece! which combines all of the problems! except i guess objective length #it's supposed to be only 4 chapters max but it's 4 plotted chapters of distilled prose with heavy subject matter and satire #and it needs aforementioned Plot which i don't care much about inventing but really is necessary for the story to work right #people who say fanfiction is easy are wrong actually

[musings-of-a-rose]

Not Without You

Pairing: Lucien Flores x f!reader (nickname: Poppy)

Word Count: 2800+ 

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes: Listen. I saw that clip of him making out in The Uninvited. That's it. That's the explanation. This is not betad. This one is for the sluts.

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

❤If you enjoy the fic, please consider giving me a warm beverage! (It is not required in any way!)

→Tell Tumblr this should be shared with others by reblogging! That's what the algorithm loves (it's how it works here. I don't make the rules!)

**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

Lucien Masterlist

--------

I get out of my car, staring up at the ridiculous mansion in front of me. The sound of the ocean, just out of sight behind the giant home, is soft and gentle in my ears, calming me. Giving me a little mental boost before I sigh, smoothing down my dress. I make my way to the front door, weaving between a few cars that were parked out front. Expensive cars.

It's not that I'm jealous of my childhood friend. Emilia deserves to be happy and she's happy that she married money. Some fancy producer out here in LA that fell for her big eyes and bright smile the second he saw her.

But that doesn't mean I wanted to come to one of her dinner parties, having to schmooze and pretend to be interested in what everyone has to say. I've been here before, met the people, fucked the party boy actor that eventually broke me, and yet here I am, unable to say no to Emilia.

I raise my hand to knock, dreading what the evening will bring but the door flies open before my knuckles touch anything. Emilia stands before me, a few rollers still in her hair, stress all over her body.

"Poppy, you're early! Thank GOD!" She pulls me inside and hugs me, the door closing heavy behind me.

"I always come early because you need me," I smile as she chuckles, lightly punching my arm. "What can I do to help?"

"You're angel, I swear! Can you make sure the table settings are right? There's extra silverware in the-"

"I know, Emilia. Everything like normal?" I'd been to so many of her parties, I know exactly what the set up is.

She nods, her smile growing wider. "Keep it simple and classy. You know me!"

I nod. "So what kind of party is this one? Another schmooze for Mr.?"

She waves her hand. "Yeah something like that. He's meeting with a bunch of actors for some upcoming project. He's hand selected them."

"Cool."

Emilia thanks me again before running off to finish getting ready. I pause for a moment, looking around trying to remember where the dining room is. I head down the hall and into what I think is the dining room. It turns out I remembered correctly, my eyes roaming over the table and making small adjustments to the settings already there. I end up pulling out more silverware, fixing them to Emilia's standards. I hate that I know this stuff, but I've saved her ass more times than I can count at these things so it helps to know what to expect.

As I work, my mind goes back to all the parties past. The ones she brought me to when she first started dating the producer several years ago. She had been so nervous, as if the producer wasn't already head over heels for her. That's where I met-

No. Not going down that road again. I can't do that to myself.

I shake my head and finish the settings, adding some minor touches to the decorations and finally lighting the candles. A knock at the door brings me out of my head and I walk over to answer it. An older gentleman stands there, putting out a cigarette with his shoe. He introduces himself as the director. What an ego.

Several people arrive after him, a mix of actors and a screenwriter. They all mingle in the sitting room for a few minutes before Emilia and the producer make their way in, everyone doing introductions.

The producer claps his hands together, looking around. "We're still missing one, but I doubt he'd mind us getting started. Who's hungry?"

Everyone gives their approval but as they move towards the dining room, a knock raps on the front door.

"That should be him. Guess I tried to start too soon!" Polite laughter at the producer as Emilia moves to answer the door, a quick glance in my direction before she disappears down the hall. The producer is telling some little story about a prior movie he was involved in, one I've heard a zillion times. But his story is short and he motions behind me.

"Just in time! We were about to eat. Welcome, Lucien."

My back stiffens. The room starts to spin my chest heaving. He didn't say Lucien. Did he? Maybe it was another Lucien. It couldn't be my Lucien? No. He's not my Lucien. He made that very clear when he wanted to continue partying and I wanted to settle down.

"Perfect! I'm starving."

Fuck. There was no mistaking that voice, the one that sets my skin ablaze, makes warmth pool between my thighs, the one that told me he needed to focus on his career and couldn't be with me. Not in the way I wanted him.

A small hand on my elbow squeezes me and I know it's Emilia, gently guiding me towards the dining room.

"I'm sorry, Poppy. He invited him and I didn't make the connection until the last minute."

"You couldn't have given me a heads up?" I yank my arm from her grip and swallow hard. I can't let him see how he makes me feel. He doesn't deserve that. I turn, letting the others file past me until he stops in front of me.

"Poppy. I..I didn't know you'd be here."

I'm determined to show him how much better off I am, that he means nothing to me now. I look up into his eyes and all of my resolve goes completely out the window. Were his eyes always that big? That round? So soft? I want to yank him to me by the thin chain around his neck, press my lips to his and never let go.

Way to show him, Poppy.

"I didn't know you'd be here either."

A silence stretches between us, a heavy, loaded silence. His eyes soften the longer he looks at me and is that regret I see? No. I'm projecting. But then he offers me his arm, taking me completely by surprise.

"We can be adults. Shall we?"

Don't do it. Don't take his arm, Poppy. Don't do it, don't do it, don't-

My fingers close on his offered up arm. "I'm sure this is a great opportunity for you."

Fuck, he's still warm. His skin smooth where my fingers touch him. Way to go, Poppy.

He escorts me into the dining room and I feel Emilia's eyes glued to us. He pulls out my chair and I sit, him scooting the chair in behind me before walking around the table, looking for his name card. Which was conveniently placed directly across from mine.

The producer clears his throat after everyone sits and starts making some speech about the project, about handpicking everyone here, blah blah blah. I zone out, trying to use my peripheral to steal glances at him. It's been several years since that night we split, the yelling match that had devolved into quite possibly the hottest sex I'd ever had. No, don't think about that. I need a better look so I turn my head to take a drink and chance a glance at him, only to find him already looking at me, still with the soft eyes. I nearly choke on my drink, managing to swallow it and clear my throat.

He finishes his speech and everyone claps politely, starting to eat and talk amongst themselves. I sit, deciding to choose silence while eating but then Lucien looks directly at me.

"So, what do you think?"

"Uh what?"

Fuck him with those big, stupid eyes.

He gestures towards the producer with his fork. "The project."

"Oh. Well I'm not involved so," I shrug. "I'm just here for Emilia."

He chuckles. "How many rollers were in her hair this time?"

I laugh, my body betraying me. "Four."

"But seriously. A good project?"

"I think..I think it's an honor he hand picked you. I'm not sure what the project itself is, but I'm sure it would be great for your career."

His eyes study my face as I take a bite of my food. "It's not always about the career though."

Anger surges up through me. "Isn't it?"

"How are we doing over here?" Emilia had walked up, cutting off whatever Lucien was about to say to defend himself.

"Great, Em. I'm just going to get something from the kitchen." I set my napkin on the table and push my chair back, Emilia giving me the smallest squeeze to my arm before I turn and head into the kitchen, the door closing behind me and effectively cutting off the sounds of the dinner party.

I lean over the kitchen island, my hands splayed out over the cool marble, trying to calm myself down. I hear the door open, the chatter from the party momentarily loud again before the door swings shut and it's quiet again.

"Em, I'm fine. Really. He just...caught me by surprise. I can hold it in."

"What if I don't want you to hold it in?"

My head snaps up, meeting his gaze, embarrassment making my skin heat up. "Oh. I thought you were Emilia."

Lucien takes a few steps towards me, the light glinting off the thing chain around his neck. "You didn't answer my question."

I stand up straight, crossing my arms. "We've done this dance before, Lucien. It didn't end well."

He smirks and I want to slap him. "I think it ended just fine. In the doorway, on the floor, in the front yard. I had to move my neighbors were too jealous."

My body betrays me with a small smile at the memory but then I reign it in. "I'm still not paying for that end table."

He's closer now. When did he move closer? Almost close enough to touch. His voice is low and raspy. "I'd destroy every end table on this planet if it meant having you under me again."

Fuck. Me.

I turn away from him, not giving him the pleasure of seeing what he does to me. "Flattering. But you made it very clear I was not number one in your life."

"I was stupid. I guess I needed to prove to you, to myself, that I could actually do this acting thing."

Finally composing myself, I turn to face him. "And how'd that work out for you?"

His eyebrows furrow together. "Have you not seen any of my films?"

I had. I had seen them all. I know I shouldn't have, that it wasn't helping me get over him. But Lucien has this pull, this hold on me I've never been able to fully shake.

"Some. But I'm asking your opinion. Off camera."

His jaw ticks a moment before he takes a swig from the glass I only just realized he was holding. "It brought me here."

I scoff. "Yeah, the producer hand picking you is actually a very high honor. I'd be-"

"No, you misunderstand." He shakes his head and sets his glass down on the counter. "I lied earlier."

It was my turn to furrow my eyebrows. "When? You've lied to me a lot."

"Earlier, when I said I didn't know you'd be here. I knew, well...more like hoped you'd be here. Knew it was a long shot but the only way you'd talk to me again."

My heart was racing, nearly bouncing out of my chest as he takes another few steps right into my personal bubble, my lower back against the counter. "I already told you I'm not replacing that end table."

He's right in front of me, the warmth from his body radiating onto mine. "I was a fool, Poppy. I..I love you."

I've waited years to hear him say those words to me again, to hear him actually mean them. To hear them not sandwiched between things like "but I have to focus on my career".

His lips are so close to mine, his breath fanning over my face.

"You broke my heart, Lucien."

"I know. I'm sorry. Let me put it back together."

"Lucien, I-" but he cuts me off with the softest touch of his lips I've ever felt, a whole slew of emotions flooding my body, including the one pooling between my legs.

"I can't do this without you, Poppy."

"Do this?"

"Life. I don't want to do it without you."

Fuck.

I grip that chain around his neck and pull him to me, our lips crashing together, his body pressing into mine. But then the counter scrapes across my spine and I jolt, breaking the kiss to gasp in pain. Lucien steps back, offering me his hand.

"Let's go somewhere where we won't break the furniture."

I shouldn't take his hand. I can still back out. But a small voice in the back of my head believes that he means it. That he wants a life with me, wants what I wanted all those years ago. And right now, I'm letting that voice win. I take his hand and he smiles, that smile that makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world. He guides me out the back door, past the pool, past the changing tents between the pool and the beach, and down the walkway alongside the neighbors cement wall that leads down to the beach.

He spins me and I laugh, tasting the salty ocean air on my tongue. I back up towards the wall and he follows me, lowering himself to my level. His large hands wrap around my hips, gliding down to cup my ass, and I moan into his kiss, my hand gripping his shirt to pull him closer to me. He kisses me, his tongue sliding into my mouth like it had so many times before. One hand still firmly on my ass, the other slides up my side, cupping my face so tenderly, full of love. He pulls back slightly and looks at me, like he's shocked I'm really here. That he's really kissing me.

"I love you, Poppy. I never should have let you go."

"Then don't let me go. I've always been yours."

He kisses me again, his hips pressing into mine and I can feel him hard, my cunt desperately throbbing, begging to feel him inside me again. Somewhere in my haze of desire, I hear myself begging, whispering pleas in his ear to take me, that I need him inside me before I die. His hands slide my dress up my thighs, reaching under and ripping my underwear in two, tucking them into his pocket. He had ruined so many good pairs of my underwear that way, but I honestly couldn't care less. My fingers fumble with his zipper, but I manage to get it down, reaching in to grip him, a sharp intake of breath when my fingers close around him, pumping him a few times. His hands slide under my ass, lifting me up as he presses me against the wall. He slides into me and the world stops moving, colors are brighter, and I finally feel right, like I'm actually here on this planet. Every thrust of his hips brings him deeper into me, holding me here, holding me to him. His breath comes out in short pants, desperate pleas of love and apologies between our moans as he fucks me against the wall.

And then the light blooming inside me breaks, my head pushing back, my nails digging into his skin, my entire body tingling as pleasure radiates out from where we connect. Lucien follows suit, moaning my name as he spills himself inside of me, pushing as deep as he can. We stay like that for a moment, trying to catch our breaths.

"I want to stay inside of you but my legs are fucking shaking."

I laugh and he yelps, quickly trying to pull out of me as my laughter contracts my body around him. He sets me on the ground and zips his pants as I smoothe out my dress, my laughter slowly fading. I look at him and he looks back at me, his eyes still soft and gentle. He tucks some hair behind my ear before cupping my cheek again.

"I wasn't kidding, Poppy. I was fucking stupied before. I need you next to me. When we're together, I feel...right. like I belong here. I don't think I can face this life without you."

I know it's a possibility this will end the same way it did before, but something in his eyes is different this time. He's had time to think, time to experience life without someone with him. Without me. He's grown, matured - well, matured some at least. But do I want to open my heart back up to him? Knowing that he could shatter it again at any moment?

"I'm still not replacing that end table."

He smiles and it lights up my entire world. "That's ok. I have plenty more furniture we can ruin with our love."

-------

General Taglist:

@frankie-catfish-morales @chaoticgeminate @janebby @astoryisaloveaffair @balekanemohafe @greeneyedblondie44 @hoeforthefictional @marvelousmermaid @hauntedmama @icanbeyourjedi @wretchedmo @sunnshineeexoxo @livingmydreams13 @adventures-of-a-noodle @sara-alonso @theewokingdead @punkerthanpascal @giggly-otter @f0rever15elf @phandoz @gallowsjoker @lovesbiggerthanpride @booksarekindaneat @charlispersonallyhell @xoxabs88xox @amneris21 @gooddaykate @avengers-fixation @paintballkid711 @harriedandharassed   @ladykatakuri @practicalghost @withakindheartx @batdarkladyvampir @justanotherkpopstanlol   @mermaidxatxheart @alexxavicry @justreblogginfics @kmc1989 @veryprairieberry @mysterious-moonstruck-musings  

#lucien flores x reader #lucien flores x you #lucien flores x f!reader #lucien flores x female reader #lucien flores #the uninvited #the uninvited ff #the uninvited fanfiction #the uninvited fanfic #lucien flores fanfic #lucien flores fic #Lucien Floires ff #pedro pascal #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal character ff #pedro pascal characters

[eitaababe]

EVEN IT'S A LIE !

epilogue.

[ a / n ; i finished! who would've thought. ]

series masterlist. | previous.

— two years later !

after having to deal with the baggage from ao'nung, the past couple of years had been nothing short of focusing on yourself. with the help of your friends, you were able to find yourself again, assuring yourself you'd never let a man dictate the way you felt about yourself ever again.

of course, avoiding ao'nung when you go to the same university is nearly impossible. you see each other in passing every few months or so, trying your best to limit any sort of contact with each other.

you'd grown closer with rotxo, with him being a better friend to you than you ever could have expected. it's strange, how well you're able to avoid ao'nung when your best friends with the two people closest to him.

still, the limited contact keeps the damage to a minimum.

because you'd be lying if you said you didn't think of him from time to time, the three words he claimed to be nothing but the truth. and how you were deceived into feeling the same.

but you're content, and over time you'd started to find yourself again. making it a weekly thing to just go out on your own, to your favorite cafe for some alone time.

so when you walk in, the last thing you expect to see is ao'nung's face behind the counter, an apron tied around his figure.

you feel your throat go dry when his eyes widen, and he tries to keep as professional as he can, clearing his throat before speaking up. "what can i get for you today?"

"uhm," you stutter, blinking multiple times before bringing yourself back to reality. it's more than a shock, seeing him in a place that was supposed to bring you peace, and now is making your head spin in such a way it makes you forget your usual order. "just a iced chai, please."

"you wanna take a muffin with that?"

you're surprised as the question slips out his mouth. you've always liked to pair your drink with some sort of muffin over the years, a small detail you definitely didn't expect him to remember.

"uh, yes please. how about a-"

"blueberry." he says quietly and in sync with you as he jots it down casually. you don't understand how he seems to be so nonchalant over this, like the interaction isn't so out of the blue for him.

you both stand there silently as he finishes up the order, and you pay, your eyes meeting after. and when they do, it's like you could fall into him all over again. his eyes are like the ocean, waves so dangerous yet you can't help but want to jump in. you have to pull your gaze away, breaking you both out the trance.

"look, i'm- i'm really sorry," he breathes out, and taking this as an opportunity as nobody else is in line behind you, and the cafe is experiencing its dead hour. "i know it was years ago, but i was an asshole. really. and i just- i've worked on myself, and i've had time to reflect, and i still can't believe i did what i did."

you smile at the sincerity of his voice, and you can do nothing but believe him. it's true, he's grown as a person in the past years and so have you. you can practically see how he's matured, carrying himself with a calm sense of confidence, different from the cockiness that once was.

"it's alright, really," you assure, nodding as you're finally able to hold a civil conversation after all this time. "i mean- we're both really different people now. we've grown, and learned, and it's water under the bridge, honestly. and i know it might not mean much," i chuckle. "but i was finally able to bring myself to forgive you."

"it's a lot," he admits, smiling back at you with a certain sweetness behind it. "it's everything. really." he assures, and this time, you're sure he means it.

after a few smiling moments you glance down, deciding to take a leap.

"would you like to join me? maybe for just a bit, i know you're working. but.. just as friends."

because despite what ao'nung did to you, there's always a soft spot for him in your heart. always a part of you that will know him, no matter how much he changes. and maybe you don't realize it either, but it's just the same for him.

his smile grows even wider at the invitation, and you can feel your heart swell at the sight.

"i'd love to."

[🏷️ ; taglist. / closed ] @loaksbitch @8resa @n7ytiri @yukichan67 @dearstell @halibanana @teyums @lightskinloak @ipoopedmypants47 @aonungmybf @il0veheartz @chittakii @jjkclub @universal-s1ut @ilovejakesullysdick @calums-betch @izuoyarmin @yeosxxx @cl0esblogg @alwayswndr @iheartamajiki @jenniferdixon05207 @manumanulau @myh3artttt @sugarrush-blush @be3flow3r @cupidsl0ve

#[ — ⌛️; even if it's a lie ! ] #[ — 🌎 ; avatar ] #ao'nung avatar #avatar x reader #ao'nung smau #ao'nung x reader #ao'nung series #ao'nung #ao’nung fluff #aonung avatar #aonung x reader #aonung fluff #aonung angst #ao'nung angst #ao'nung x y/n #ao'nung fluff #avatar angst #avatar smau

[20nugs]

Hi sweet girl, can I request a story with Matt? Like where he’s starting to get feelings for one of Nick’s best friend (Y/N) where there’s a little bit of angst but at the end it’s a happy ending?

Brother's Best Friend (Matt Sturniolo x fem!reader)

summary: request

cw: cussing, feelings of anxiousness, confusion, basically just angst then happy at the end

a/n: goofy ah title, couldn't think of anything else. would you be surprised if I said i have a lot of requests like this for matt? everyone loves angsty Matt with happy at the end

Matt's POV

I bite my nails as I watch you from my kitchen island. You're in the living room, watching some show with Nick, concentrating on the TV. I can't help but adore the way your eyebrows knit together when you're focused. Then you suddenly glance over, locking eyes with me. My heart drops to my ass and I look away, cursing myself silently as I feel a blush spread across my face. I look back over and see you still watching me, smiling. I can't keep the eye contact, and I drop my head, staring at my hands that are resting on the countertop.

Everytime I look at you, something in my stomach turns in the best way possible. I can't help but notice all the little things about you, the way the part in your hair is always slightly off, the way your eyes squint when you laugh, the way your cheeks turn pink when you receive a compliment.

I glance up, and you've looked back at the TV, but this time you have a light blush on your face. I smile to myself and leave the kitchen, going up to my room. I look back at you one more time, getting butterflies as I see you laughing with Nick at a scene on the TV.

I haven't known you for very long, having only met you this past year. Nick introduced you to me as his best friend a year ago, and from then on you've hung out with us occasionally. We grew close, and I would consider you as one of my closest friends as well. But if that's true, why can't I talk to you without spluttering through my sentence? Why can't I be around you for more than five seconds without getting flustered and hot? Why can't I look at you without my stomach turning into a carousel? These questions pester me constantly.

I lay on my bed, staring up at my ceiling as I think about you, your smile, your laugh. I hear a knock on the door. I don't answer, hoping whoever it is will just assume I'm asleep so I can be alone. Until I hear your voice on the other side of the door. "Matt?" You call. I almost melt as I hear my name leave your mouth. I hold my tongue, wondering what you have to say. "Can we talk?" You ask through the door. I don't answer, even though you're one of my favorite people, i can't bring myself to talk to you after literally swooning over you in my bed.

I hear footsteps getting distant, and as soon as I can't hear them anymore, I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding in. I don't know why I get so nervous around you all the time, I've only been feeling like this recently. Everytime you look at me it's like the whole world stops spinning and I forget how to act. It feels weird to be thinking about you this way, you're my brother's best friend.

I check my phone, and a notification from you pops up. 'Can we talk?' it reads. I leave you on read, tossing my phone back to the side of my bed. I roll onto my side, avoiding my problems and thoughts. I try to distract myself, but you invade my mind every now and then.

All of a sudden, there's a pounding on my door. "Open the door, Matt," I hear Nick say loudly. I groan and get up to open the door.

I swing the door open, and Nick pushes past me to sit on my bed. "What the fuck, Nick," I say, irritated. I close my door and look at him, waiting for him to say something.

"What's up with you and my best friend?" He asks, crossing his arms. He must see the panic on my face because i see a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

I huff. "Nothing, now get out," I demand.

Nick rolls his eyes. "Don't be like that, I see the way you look at her." I glare at him, turning my head.

"It's just..." I trail off and sigh, walking over to sit next to Nick on my bed. He puts an arm over my shoulders out of reflex and I lean my head on his shoulder. "I don't know. I feel weird around her, but in a good way? Everytime I look at her I feel like I'm going to throw up, but in the best way possible."

Nick smiles. "It sounds like you have a crush," he says, poking my arm.

I roll my eyes shoving him off of me but smiling nonetheless. "Yeah, whatever," I mumble, looking away.

When I look back at Nick, he's already gaping at me. "So you do like her!" He shouts.

"Nick, shut the fuck up!" I exclaim, tackling him back onto the bed.

"When are you gonna tell her?" Nick asks in a hushed tone. I groan and lift myself off of him, turning away from him. I hear Nick sigh, and I turn back around.

"I guess I'll tell her soon," I murmur, shrugging.

"Tell me what soon?" I hear you say. I see Nick's face drop and I have no doubt that I look the same way. My head whips to you then back to Nick, who's already walking out the door. I curse him in my mind, then try to answer you.

"Uh," I start, then stop, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment. "Come in, I guess."

"You guess?" You tease before walking in and shutting the door behind you.

I stare at you as you sit down next to me. You sit close enough for us to be thigh to thigh, and I awkwardly scoot an inch away from you. Confusion flashes across your face for a moment, but it quickly replaces with curiosity. "What's going on?" You ask, a line of concern appearing between your eyebrows.

"Well," I say with a deep breath. I pause, not able to find the words.

"Well what?" You ask, teasing me again. I rub my face with my hands, my thoughts flying at a mile a minute. I'm hyper aware of everything you're doing right now. Your hand inching to my shoulder. The way you're scooting a little closer and pressing the side of your body against mine, trying to comfort me. The way your eyes flick across my face. I stand up and take a step away from you, needing space. Hurt flashes across your face only for a moment, but I still feel a pang in my heart for upsetting you, even a little bit.

"How do I say this?" I ask to no one in particular. I look back at you, waiting for my answer on my bed.

"Say what, Matt?" You ask me. I look you dead in the eyes, but look away quickly, the eye contact being to intense for me.

"That I'm..." I trail off as you stand up, walking towards me. "I'm-"

"That you're what?" You interrupt, putting your hands on my shoulders. I look at you for a second, not breathing.

"That I'm leaving," I say, spinning on my heel and quickly trying to leave.

"Matt," You call, grabbing onto my sweater. I pull my arm free from your grasp. "Just tell me," you say, exasperated. "What's the worse that'll happen?"

"I'm in love with you," I blurt out. You stare at me for a second, your mouth slightly agape, seemingly shocked. I turn, my head low as I try to escape down the stairs.

Suddenly I get yanked back around, and my lips are smashed onto yours. I break from the short and messy kiss. "What-" I start, but I don't get another word out as you've already put your mouth back against mine. This time, I kiss back, my hand moving to the back of your neck to press you harder against me. The kiss is a hungry, passionate one. I kiss you like I'm dying of thirst and your lips are the only water for miles. My free hand moves to your waist as I push you against a wall. I break the kiss briefly to take a breath then dive right back in. I can't get enough of finally having the feeling of your lips on mine.

Chris pushes past us as he walks up the stairs, looking at his phone, not caring about the scene before him. He pats my shoulder in a way to say congrats before continuing to his room. I continue to kiss you, not bothering to say anything to him. You break the kiss, giggling as I chase your lips with my own. "Matt," you breathe.

"Hmm?" I hum, kissing down your jaw.

"I'm in love with you too," you murmur, turning your head so I can kiss your neck. I scoff against your neck.

"Really?" I chuckle. "I couldn't tell." You roll your eyes, smiling.

"Shut up," you laugh before pulling me in for another kiss.

____

a/n: YOO I POSTED😍

So what do we think😍 is it good yes or no😋

sosososo sorry if i haven't done your request yet!! highschool is very heavy right now im and trying to figure things out BUT I do write every chance I get

IF YOU SEE AN ERROR, TELL ME PLEASE!

anyways matt😍

#matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #nick sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #christopher sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #matt sturniolo x you #anon ask

[thatfilthyanimal]

tw: stalking, grooming, pedophilia, sexual abuse, past suicidal thoughts

I've recently been made aware that Dupsy is still talking about me and is now going to random Megamind fans that don't know me and telling them to avoid me. I'm also aware that they're doing this in the Ruby Gillman fandom. I have no words to really describe the level of discomfort this brings me, but I will attempt.

First of all, all the "grooming" allegations were thoroughly debunked and proven to be bullshit. I can't believe I have to even say this. I'm a victim of grooming and sexual abuse myself. It's extremely traumatic and life-altering shit, and never something I would want to inflict on someone else. I feel like it should be obvious, with the measures I took in the server to ensure no child is exposed to such things. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD due to the shit that happened to me when I was growing up, and between processing that in therapy sessions and stomaching transitioning in a near-constant hostile-to-trans-people online social media hellscape, I am tired.

I love Megamind, more than anything, and this is known and obvious to anyone who's met me. This movie saved my life when I was extremely suicidal and planning to end my life back in 2010. Watching the movie when I did gave me something to focus on, a distraction, and a responsibility as a fandom member that helped distract me long enough to get out of the planning mindset I was in. Had I not seen the movie, I do not think I would have stuck around. I will leave it at that.

And moderating fandom spaces for Megamind has been lovely! I adore this fandom. The people in it are extremely talented and sweet, and just so damn nice, like by default. I say this all the time but I've never experienced another fandom space quite like it. There are usually bad eggs in fandoms, and perhaps -I- am said "bad egg" to some, but genuinely this one is special. I have always felt that way, even when the bad eggs show up and make a stink. It has always felt worth being here for, to me.

And while I hate to give Dupsy the satisfaction of knowing they hurt me, I need to be honest-- it's been rough. I stopped talking in my server, I locked up on most of my friends and stopped talking even in DMs. I still struggle with severe anxiety in the server and have talked to Dal on various occasions about transferring the server ownership to him. He's been very patient with my freakouts and super understanding, but it's still hard. This WAS a place I felt safe, for over ten years! And now it feels like any minor can just say I'm a groomer or a pedo or whatever with ZERO consequences, just because they're mad, just because these are words that make people go "oh shit" and listen, and man! It's not ok! And this coupled with the fact that trans people are often called groomers just for existing, just… man! I'm tired. I'm so tired.

There are real, severe, damaging effects to these claims being thrown around so casually. It's hurtful to me, as a victim of sexual abuse, because when I came forward to people about what happened when -I- was a minor, I was told I "wanted it" and "asked for it". It was made to be my fault that I was abused, and I internalized it for years. It nearly killed me. I cannot stress enough how important it is to not use claims like pedophilia and grooming so lightly-- these are VERY damning terms to use on people and should be reserved for people ACTUALLY HARMING OTHERS. Being mad I banned you from the server is not "abuse" and using my Customer Service Voice to be nice to you and then being obviously tired of you when you were banned is not "emotional grooming". What the actual fuck. ALSO. This was well over a year ago! Why am I still having to post about this? Why are you still TALKING about me? And yet again I ask, where the HELL are your parents?

Anyway, if you've been wondering why I've been so quiet these days and struggling to socialize… honestly? It's this. I hate that this is what did it. I know people trust and believe me, I know the fandom backs me up regularly and I appreciate them all so much for it. I see it, but I never know how to respond. You guys continue to make this fandom feel safe for me even when my entire brain is screaming to run, and I appreciate you so much for it.

Kids deserve to be trusted when they tell people they've been hurt and I hate that the recent proshipping discourse or whatever you want to call it, this culty all-or-nothing shit, has a bunch of minors growing up feeling like EVERYTHING is something to call rapey or predatory, with apparently little room to distinguish when REAL abuse is happening to them. I don't blame anyone for believing Dupsy, and it's honestly better they DO believe all unproven claims of abuse by default, just to stay safe-- but man, it has consequences that follow people, and really should not be a thing to just throw around because you're mad at someone. I just can't believe they're STILL going around and reaching out to strangers telling them to avoid me… like, what the fuck.

I will be ok, I always am eventually, but I needed to say something, because it's honestly been a while since I've said much of anything.

Keep being kind. <3

#trigger warnings in post #Megamind #Ruby Gillman #RGTK #personal #sorry if you have no idea what the heck is happening #continue scrolling its all good #but also maybe uhhhhhh avoid this minor #like a lot

[thatfreshi]

Always (Uni AU P. 16)

Thank you all for patiently waiting :)

tw - mentions of abuse, grooming

Your eyes flutter open slowly, unsure of exactly where you are. When you move your head, you feel the bone in Astarion's shoulder, and remember the night prior. When you realize you indeed were asleep on him, you jerk back up.

"What time is it?"

"Almost six. You must've been tired."

He puts his phone down and sits his head on his knees.

"You alright?"

"Just not looking forward to today. Twelve-hour day, nine to nine, no breaks."

"Sounds horrible."

"It does, doesn't it? And I haven't slept in days either."

He gets out of bed reluctantly and goes to the closet, almost tripping over nothing.

"You could probably spare some time to lay down a little longer."

"No, sadly I can't. The location is an hour away, I still have to get ready, and I have to pick up some things on the way. All of that and maybe find time to eat something."

He methodically looks through the many fabrics, finding a silk dress shirt. Thoughtlessly, Astarion throws off the sweater from yesterday, revealing what appears to be many scars across his back.

"Holy shit."

You don't mean for the words to stumble out the way they do, but it's not often you see someone's skin decorated in old wounds.

"Right, forgot I hadn't told you about all of those. Though to be honest, I've never seen them."

He quickly puts on his newly chosen shirt, fiddling with the buttons on the sleeves.

"Are they-"

"From Cazador? Of course."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did he do it?"

He stops in his tracks, dumbfounded once again by you and your questions.

"I mean, there's always plenty of reasons to him. Misstep on the catwalk, look the wrong way in a photo, make him look bad in front of someone else in the industry. He does his punishments in private obviously, but you always know when you're due for one. Always."

Light steps make their way to the kitchen to get some coffee. You follow, silently.

"Sorry. I know I have more of a stomach for this kind of thing than you do."

"You shouldn't have the stomach for it at all."

"You think I don't know that?"

He turns to meet your eyes, and then sighs, leaning against the counter.

"Really, I am sorry. I'm just very irritable right now."

"Anything I can do?'

"No, I think I just need to be by myself, for the little time I have. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

He perks up at that.

"Why?"

"I mean, none of this is your fault. No need to apologize about things out of your control. Besides, I ask about all of it anyways. If you need alone time, you need alone time."

He's so used to 'sorry's, even if they aren't always genuine. Sorry when he's at Cazador's whim, sorry to people he's looped into horrific schemes, sorry any time he fucks up. Most recently, he's so incredibly apologetic to you, the way he's fallen for you, the way he can't bring himself to leave you alone, the way you always ask about the worst of it and he almost always shares. That look in your eyes when you see him hurt, he's been trying to avoid it, because it makes him feel monstrous.

"Anyways, I hope it's not all that bad today. If you need something, let me know, okay?"

You grab all your things from the night before, and make your way towards the door.

"Okay. Thank you Tav."

You smile.

"Of course Aster, anything for you, any time, anywhere. Always."

He almost says something when you walk out the door, but simply has his mouth agape, watching you walk away after saying probably the nicest thing he's heard in years.

When you make your way back to your dorm room, you hear shouting from inside, which you can only assume is Shadow and Lae arguing again. Then, when you walk in, you realize it's actually Gale's voice going back and forth with your moody roommate. Lae'zel seems to be absent from the dorm.

"Gale, you can't be fucking serious. You're sleeping with a professor? Not just any professor, but Mystra? Really? Are you that fucking stupid?"

"We are not just sleeping together, it's a real relationship. We have something special Shadowheart, not that you would particularly understand that."

"No, no you don't have something special with her, she's using you. You work for her, she's your teacher! She can decide your entire academic future on a whim!"

"No one better to fall in love with then, right?"

"Oh, fall in love? You, you are not in love with her, and she is certainly not in love with you. She's using you and your naivety Gale."

You hear her voice crack at this point, the concern for her best friend seeping through.

"Oh, so I'm naive now? Great to know you think so highly of me Shadow. You were begging me to tell you, I thought you'd be happy for me!"

"I'm not listening to this. When you want to have a real conversation, and not just make me feel like I'm crazy for worrying about you, come and find me."

Her door slams, and she storms past you in the living space, rushing out of the dorm. Gale slowly makes his way out of her room, not expecting you to be waiting.

"And now you know too, wonderful. Are you also going to call me insane for being in love, or are you capable of being reasonable?"

No words come to mind. Instead of sitting around waiting for a response, he walks right past you, off to brood in his room alone. You decide to try and find your roommate, just to make sure she's alright, and possibly get the rest of the story. Despite your efforts, you find none of your strange friends. It's as if campus has been entirely deserted. With the new chill in the air as Fall becomes even more intense, you find yourself feeling lonely, and even sad. So, you do what any other reasonable college student would, and you go grab a coffee and throw yourself into some assignments.

Essays, discussion boards, projects, powerpoints, they all sort of just blur together. Word counts become meaningless, rubrics are like unspeakable languages, emails are a life-sucking endless void of nothing. You close your laptop and stare at the ceiling, wondering why you're even sad to begin with, why all of this seems like treacherous work. Your mind floats back to Astarion, as it often does. Perhaps he was the cause of your melancholy, him and all the scars you had seen that morning. But now it's hours later, close to nightfall, and you barely have anything to show for it.

That's when Karlach and Gale show up, which helps you snap out of the mood a little bit.

"She'll come around Gale! I may not get it, but hey, we all just gotta do our own thing."

The two of them sit at your lonely little table, and Gale sighs.

"Well Tav, how's the rest of the day been?"

"Uneventful. Sad. Boring."

Gale nods in agreement.

"Oh cheer up you two! There's still time left in the night, things can get better!"

You can't help but crack a smile.

"You know what Karlach? You're right, and just for that, I'm going to get us all a little treat."

The two of them insist that you shouldn't, but you're already walking off to the coffee bar that's going to close soon. You buy a couple of stupid little candies, just to make sure everyone will have something they enjoy. You thank the barista and walk back to the table. On the way, you feel at your pocket for your phone, but it's not there.

"Must've left it at the table."

And you were right, because when you look back up Karlach is receiving a call on your phone. You walk over to try and figure out who she possibly could've answered, mouthing a question to her. She tells you to shush, her eyes far more serious than normal.

"What do you mean he's in the hospital?"

Her voice cracks when she asks, and without thinking you snatch your phone out of her hands.

#baldur's gate 3 #astarion #astarion x reader #astarion x tav #angst #freshiau #gale of waterdeep #karlach #shadowheart

[disabledunitypunk]

So, I know this blog has been a lot less active as of late, at least from my part (mod Stars).

I'm gonna be honest; I've been incredibly sick. A combination of some kind of issue with gluten/wheat (may be celiac, or nonceliac gluten intolerance, or wheat allergy) with IBD, MCAS, lactose intolerance and sensory issues, had caught me in such a cycle of degranulation, anaphylaxis, intestinal issues, brain fog, chronic fatigue, and POTS and chronic pain flareups, that I was nonfunctional.

On top of that, anxiety over my partners SSI application (recently medically approved by the administrative law judge, that's a win! still waiting on nonmedical approval but it should hopefully just be a rubber stamp process at this point - knock on wood) has really screwed with my levels of executive dysfunction.

And trauma around medical neglect and abuse, plus being so sick, plus executive dysfunction, had led me to temporarily avoid seeking treatment at all. When I say that the very idea of trying to trick yet another doctor's ego into believing they came up with the idea to test me for the conditions I'm already reasonably certain I have, all while making sure I don't seem too smart, too unintelligent, too articulate, too reliant on google, too self-aware, use too many medical terms, and so on... I've not had the ability to advocate for myself anymore.

Luckily, a friend of mine that's all hellfire agreed to help advocate for me at some of my appointments going forward, so I'm going to be finding a new primary care doc and going forward (possibly seeing my old one a few more times if necessary, just to get re-referrals and maybe get a referral to a non-Medicaid allergist that actually knows what MCAS is) with pursuing diagnoses and treatment again.

Until then, however, I'm pretty much limited to about three foods - plain white or wild rice, "zoup" (a zucchini broth with chunks of carrots, daikon, celery, and wild rice), and raisins. I can drink water and cranberry juice. Between my sensory issues and that tiny list, I've been consistently significantly hungry for a week. I'm struggling to sleep and can't get more than four hours of restless sleep in a night the past few nights. I'm menstruating for the first time in five years for G-d knows why. I feel better and less reactive, especially after an ER visit for some IM decadron, but I am constantly exhausted.

Why do I bring all this up?

This is my daily life. I have near zero quality of life because of the ableism of doctors and failures of the medical system. I'm barely keeping myself alive every day, really only with the help of a lot of caretaking from my partner. I haven't been able to get to my doctor to get approved for that friend willing to advocate for me to be paid for basic caretaking duties by Medicaid. I went out on Saturday for the first time in over a month, and I'll be recovering from that for the next week and a half.

There is not a single minute of my life that isn't profoundly affected by my disabilities. Stress causes a cascading reaction through my MCAS, POTS, ME/CFS. Understimulation causes intense stress and even pain. Listening to music while doing nothing, watching videos, and similar "low energy" activities drain so much energy that they trigger my chronic fatigue, and sometimes cause a lesser reverse cascading reaction.

I can't take an ADHD med to help with the symptoms more disabling than the ones threatening literal anaphylaxis and organ failure because I can't get them compounded without an official MCAS diagnosis, and I'd also need a beta blocker compounded as well (which are are often mast cell triggers) for my POTS because the only ADHD meds that work on me are amphetamines.

I can't take vitamin D or B12 despite being incredibly critically low for the same reasons. I've barely found some OTC benadryl and aleve that I halfway tolerate. I might have a UTI and if I do I'm gonna have to convince doctors 20 years behind the medical literature that IM antibiotics are considered safe and effective and are a safer alternative to oral meds for me, if still risking a minor reaction.

On good days, I can make it between the bed and couch a couple times a day, and between the couch and the toilet. On bad days, I have a chamber pot setup in the bedroom because I can't afford diapers. I'm sure my vitamin D deficiency is not helped by never leaving an apartment that barely gets some sunlight two hours a day because it's in the shadow of the other side of the building.

I used to, on bad days, spend most of the day doing mindless tasks or on slightly less bad days, puzzle games, on my phone. Now, I'm lucky if I can do even that much most days. I AM too sick to play video games. 🥲 I can nap, I can sit with my eyes open, I can listen to music until it's too exhausting anymore.

I'm tired, and every day surviving is just a monumental effort. Again, the ableism of doctors and... actually, they're not failures if they're intentional; the abusive medical system, have not left a single minute of my life untouched.

Multiple times, when talking about online discourse, I've been accused of "wanting to be more disabled than I am", "being physically abled", being "crazy", "delusional", "on something", etc, etc, etc. All for daring to say that ideas like body-mind duality, exclusionism within disabled communities, and similar, are deeply harmful and affect far more than insular online discourse.

Doctors love to shove off chronically ill people into "psych cases". Have anxiety, autism, PTSD, schizophrenia, DID, depression, etc, etc on your chart? Yeah, you're never getting that physical diagnosis. This is what perpetuating and encouraging ideas like "all disabilities are physical OR mental", "people with abc type of disability have privilege over people with xyz type of disability", and so on, DOES.

Sanism is used to perpetuate ableism. Ableism is used to perpetuate sanism. Quite frankly, I'm not sure that neurotypical physically disabled people, non-mad neurodivergent physically disabled people, and physically abled neurodivergent/mad (all as self-identified categories) get just how deeply compounded ableism is when you exist at the intersection of physically disabled and neurodivergent (especially if mentally ill or mad). Or perhaps, the disconnect exists along a line of "profoundly disabled" vs "can access abled hegemony to a significant extent". Perhaps it's both. There is likely elements of how visible a disability is, how much its able to be masked, the type/level/spread of support needs, and so on. There's definitely elements of other marginalization; race, ethnicity, fatness, queerness, and so on.

And then there's the subcategories. Cognitively disabled. Traumatized. Chronically ill. Visually impaired/blind. Deaf/hard of hearing. Intellectual disability. Mobility disabilities. Fluctuating vs static disabilities, support needs, masking, and so on.

Sometimes I wonder, would the people who think I'm just an abled faker who doesn't belong for not being able to seperate my neurodivergence from my physical disabilities, my neurological organs from my body, my inabilities from my inabilities, would they find I'm the same as them when they spend a day in my life? Would they find it worse? Would they find it unbearable in a completely different way from their own struggles? Would they maybe even find that while it's not quite as hard as their own struggles in some cases, that it's still wildly hard and the two are far closer to each other on the scale than they think? Would they understand that we are both in the midst of an active, eugenicist genocide, and that we're 50-49 bullet holes staring down the barrel of a loaded gun that is held by our oppressors?

Even now, I'm thinking about how this post might be inaccessible. Is it readable for screen readers? Will the length be too much for way too many people? Is it understandable for people with intelligence and cognitive disabilities? How do I fix those things if it's not. What am I missing? What am I missing? What am I missing?

I'm exhausted, I'm scared, and I'm barely holding on. I'm safe, mental health wise, to be clear, I'm just convinced that the only reason that I'm not in significant danger from my physical chronic illnesses right now is because I've always had a body that was stubborn as all hell and twice as resilient. I'm not dying, not because the illnesses aren't trying, but because my body will endure far beyond normal limits.

I've experienced slow acting anaphylactic reactions without anaphylactic shock about once a month for 1-2 years now, usually only going in after several days and nights of severe symptoms. Like I've mentioned, several of my vitamin levels are so low as to make organ failure a constant threat. None of my illnesses are "terminal" per se, but that doesn't mean they can't be deadly. And more to the point, it doesn't mean they can't destroy me, that they haven't utterly destroyed my quality of life, without killing me.

I mean, I started this blog as an attempt at fostering solidarity. We CANNOT be quibbling over who really "belongs" in various disability spaces, who gets to reclaim what words or whatever, when so many of us are dealing with this shit.

For the area with the lowest cost of living in the country, SSI should be 5 times what it is now. For the highest, up to 20 times. People on disability benefits lose some or all of their payments, insurance, and so on, if they get married, even to another person on benefits. I've never met a disabled person without more doctor horror stories than diagnoses, and we all know diagnoses like to come in clusters. We are being abused, neglected, and killed.

I cannot stress how much, not that this intracommunity discourse "doesn't matter", but that it does at a deeply harmful level. It's just perpetuation of the abuse we face at a lateral level. We're mimicking the government and doctors and general abled society and getting into petty but deeply dangerous inane arguments that are just us carrying out the only way we've been taught to treat disabled people.

Being a disabled activist and advocate means questioning everything you know about ableism. It means prioritizing first and foremost disabled people. And honestly, speaking as someone whose platform here is dedicated to that, that's really fucking hard. It means believing people about their experiences with disability and oppression in a world that teaches us that the vast majority of disabled people are lying privileged fakers.

It means not believing that people know more about what people with a disability they DON'T have face because of their own disabilities. A little confusing, but essentially someone with disability A without disability B who faces oppression X, can't say that someone with disability B DOESN'T face oppression X, just because they face it. It means not calling the very real harm someone has experienced "misdirected", or making their suffering about you or your subcommunity, just because you've experienced the same or similar harm.

It means unlearning reactivity as a group of extremely traumatized people. It means learning to meet people where they're at, and assume "can't" rather than "won't". It means accepting that sometimes not only will someone's disabilities cause conflicting access needs with your own, but that sometimes people's disabilities can actively cause them to do harm, and that they still deserve rights, community, and support if they do. It also means recognizing that the harm that a disability may cause someone to do is going to look VASTLY different than abled expectations of "harmful" disabilities. It means, even and especially when this happens, recentering the perspective not around how the disability affects other people, but around how it affects the person with the disability.

It's all of this and so much more. It's a lot of effort from people with not a lot to give. It's fighting an upstairs battle with no ramp, so to speak.

And I guess I just... I'm at a loss on how to keep that up. Is just focusing on getting myself well enough to participate again, putting my own mask on first, enough? When there is not a single moment of my life untouched by the extremely deep and extremely systemic harm of ableism, is it enough to try and access the care continually gatekept from me at an individual level? Can I even do so, against such intensive pressure?

How do I live this life, and also go on untangles the narratives of "disabling neurodivergence isn't really a real disability and neurodivergent people face almost no real ableism" and "physical conditions are obvious and so get all the care and face no real ableism". How do I fight the concurrent violences of hypervisibility and erasure within the community that only serve to strengthen abled people bludgeoning us with them?

How do I focus on things like organizing, community building, activism, advocacy, dismantling the system, dismantling our reliance on it, and so much more, when I can't even get out of bed?

All I can do is write about it, right now. Sometimes I feel like that's all I've ever been able to do. Everyone I've ever known has acted like some day my "pen" will be a tool of liberation, but I'm at a loss for how. I'm just some horribly sick mad cripple on a dying microblogging platform on the internet. I don't know - not if I'm enough, but if anything ever can be.

And I don't mean to sound hopeless. I know that change can happen. I know that it is, in tiny and sometimes larger ways, every day.

This is kind of a self-centered post, in the most neutral way. This is just my perspective. This is about me, and how I'm so very disabled, and how people assume I'm not (and how wild that is, considering), and how ableism affects me so deeply, and how I don't know how to face it or fight it...

I can only hope that maybe my word resonating with people means something. That maybe, as much as we never want each other to experience what we have to, that it's also a comfort to know we don't experience it alone. That maybe this will serve as a reminder that it's okay to be scared, to feel lost, even hopeless, to struggle; to not know how to fight or where to turn. That maybe this will reach someone who CAN do something, and maybe it'll reach the people who need to NOT do anything other than take care of themselves, and that maybe it will help both of them.

Maybe that's too grandiose, I don't know. I hardly know what my point is here, other than: this is me, crippled and crazy as all hell. This is the violence I face. This is why I started this blog, because we need to stop hearing "you're a lying abled privileged faker trying to take advantage of and take resources from real disabled people who really need it" from abled people, and saying it word for word to each other. Because what abled people mean by "real disabled people" is just a theoretical disabled person. A perfect victim. They don't mean any real disabled person, especially not those who can advocate for themselves. They mean they think every single one of us doesn't need or deserve accommodations, treatment, respect, humanity, or even life.

That's the point, really. We're all we've got. We've gotta fight for each other, not fight each other. And G-d, I know how hypocritical that sounds coming from my ragey, rabid ass. I just... that's all I know to focus on right now. Not necessarily all coming together and holding hands and singing a song about unity, but just... not being ableist to each other. Tolerating each other even if we can't stand each other. Presenting a united, unbroken front to ableist society, and pushing until they don't have any power over us anymore. Doing the work of activism, which is often neither easy nor feel-good.

That's what I'm trying to do here, at least. I try to get a little better at it every day. I try to listen a little more. I try to keep up hope when my body and mind are crashing down around me.

I don't have a mic-drop conclusion to add to this, so just: I'm opening the floor. Anyone who has anything to add, feel free to do so. What you have to say is valuable.

#ableism #sanism #unitypunk #cripplepunk #madpunk #neuropunk

[suzukiblu]

Hello all, I am honestly not even sure how long it's been since I've really talked to anyone online and I'm very sorry for just straight-up ghosting so many of you, but I'm trying to work on resuming my life and reconnecting with people a bit and especially trying to start picking up all of the commitments I've let myself drop in the past year or two.

Full disclosure, I've been having a bad time mentally for quite a while and just haven't been available to anyone in my life, online or off. I'm really sorry to have stressed people out with that because I know I did worry a few of you. I'm just not all here, to be honest, and I haven't handled it well. I'm having some personal struggles and just not doing my best taking care of the resulting issues--it's not anything trauma-based/triggered, it's more along the lines of problems with in-built psychological issues stemming from chemical imbalances that I just don't always manage as effectively as I could. But I'm not physically ill and haven't been in an accident or anything like that, and I'm trying to re-engage with life now. Catching up with people I owe communication/commissions/explanations to is on my list, but I just haven't managed to make it very far into said list yet. I am, however, physically healthy and in stable housing, and if anything emergency-adjacent happens I do have local friends and non-local family members I could get help from, so I'm not in an "immediate crisis" situation.

I'm just also unemployed, out of money, and scraping by on food stamps and state-issued healthcare that doesn't cover my previous psychiatrist, and I haven't been able to find a new one in-network who's taking patients and actually, like . . . calls me back when I leave a message or email them in interest of making an appointment. I'm signed up with a program that can help me get a job, hopefully, but the process is taking a little while and I'm not sure how long it'll take in the end, so the future is very nebulous at the moment.

And like . . . VERY full disclosure, I'm just very depressed and stuck being off my meds for the forseeable future. My room is a mess I can't bring myself to clean up, I feel like I can't engage meaningfully with a lot of things, I don't feel hopeful or optimistic at all, my emotional responses are all heavily muted, my coping mechanisms are avoiding breakdowns but are not long-term helpful or productive, and I'm neglecting a lot of people and things in my life and my own best interests because I just . . . don't care.

I know my situation and my feelings are largely just because I'm going through a major depressive phase unmedicated and with limited personal resources, it's not an end of the world scenario or anything. It's just been difficult and upsetting trying to find ways and motivation to fix my life and get out of that phase when I'm already feeling sunk in a quagmire and like I did all this to myself with my own mistakes, and I'm just trying to take things one step at a time and build back up from where I'm at.

So long story short: I'm not doing great right now but I'm stable, and I greatly appreciate the concern and grace I've been given while being just entirely off radar and am going to be doing my best to make right or make up for the neglect. If anyone wants or needs to check in on anything I owe them, please feel free to message me and ask; I'll be trying to contact everyone I owe anything to but given the brain-fog I've been dealing with I don't trust myself not to miss anybody in there, so believe me, if you feel the need I will in no way be offended and you'd probably be doing me a favor anyway.

Thank you all, you've all been so good to me over the years. I'll hopefully be in touch soon. ❤

#rintalk

[the-savage-garden]

Why am I anti SJM?

I've previously mentioned this in posts before but decided to make this to clarify my thoughts. Look, I didn't go out of my way to become anti SJM when I started reading her books, I actually had been looking forward to reading them!

About... 3 years ago I think, I convinced my mom to get me Throne Of Glass. After reading through a few chapters I realized I made a huge mistake in getting that book. And sure, it was my fault in not looking into it before then. I'm not familiar with YA books so I had no idea what to expect, as a teen I skipped over to adult books like from Stephen King. I always wanted to read romance books though so I thought it would be good to try new things. Well, lesson learned.

I felt guilt for wasting both me and my mom's time, can't even bring myself to tell her that I hate the book that I convinced her to buy for me. So I hoped if I found a way to read ACOTAR (which was what I originally wanted to get but couldn't find it) that I'd feel better and, well, I actually enjoyed that one. It was like glorified Disney's Beauty and the Beast fanfiction (seriously, tell me that Feyre isn't just Belle, Tamlin is the Beast, and Rhys is Gaston) but I found it fun, I thought that I just had the wrong impression of SJM with Throne Of Glass.

I decided to glance through ACOMAF as I was considering buying the series later and wanted to make sure that ACOTAR wasn't just a fluke. Then I read it... it's hard to describe how disappointed it made me feel. I wasted my time... again.

That's when I decided instead of feeling sorry for myself I'd use SJM's books as a learning experience and how to avoid the same writing pitfalls as her.

Reading through other anti SJM posts also helps me feel better, feels like I'm not crazy for hating these books.

I know besides the writing there's other problems with SJM but I try to not bring up anything with her personal life. The only time I would bring it up is if it's tied to her writing in some way (like for example how she writes siblings, found out she has a brother which makes me wonder why she writes sibling dynamics in such an odd way in her books because I assumed she was an only child before).

I'm a bit... mixed on her prose, sometimes it's fine but others it's bleh. Y'know how people think of characters as "I can fix him/her"? That's what SJM's books are like for me, I want to fix them so much. I see where things could've worked if it was rewritten, I'm not going to do it myself though, I'm just going to nitpick them instead.

Anyway, if anyone was confused on why I'm still going over SJM books even though I hate them I hope this explains why I'm still reading them. I do plan to go over other authors (maybe YA authors as they seem to be pretty bad from what I can tell) I'm just being a bit slower going over SJM.

#anti sjm #anti acotar #anti tog

[wonjnz]

unconventional heartbreak

₊˚⊹ summary: heartbreak is nothing but a numb feeling, no hard feelings, and yet no love either.

₊˚⊹ genre: angst, slice of life, college!au | wc: 1.2k

₊˚⊹ warning(s): mentions of alcohol, swearing | inspo: taylor swift - the story of us (but less toxic)

₊˚⊹ a/n: logged on tumblr for the first time in 2 years and got the biggest whiplash 😭 this was written on a whim while i was listening to speak now tv

quite frankly, you don’t know how you and taerae became a couple.

you both started as friends ever since taerae offered to help you with your math homework (though most of the time all he did was talk until you found the answer yourself), and you were together ever since.

but it wasn’t until a few months before college started when taerae finally admitted his feelings to you, drunk out of his mind, at matthew’s house party to celebrate your high school graduation. to taerae’s horror the next day, his phone was blaring with messages from matthew about it, and he swore he was about to pass out when you mentioned it while helping with his hangover.

he clears his throat in an attempt to break the silence, “fine, i admit. i've liked you for a while now.” he says in an almost defeated tone. you shake your head, laughing, “dumbass.”

“you don’t even remember the fact i said i liked you too?”

his friends pointed it out the first time you both argued and ignored each other: the fact you were keener on listening to his stories and what-not than joining in on the conversation; the fact you can concentrate on homework much longer than taerae, who’d probably give up by 30 minutes and start procrastinating instead.

“in his defense, i wouldn’t wanna date a carbon copy of myself either.” gyuvin shrugs, to which taerae looks at him ridiculously. “yeah no shit, because you’re gyuvin.”

taerae smiles softly after, “but i guess they’re right with the whole opposites attract thing.”

a few months into your relationship, you’d describe it as walking into a freshly painted room, trying to tiptoe to avoid getting stained. at first, you two were careful with the whole 'romance thing,' waiting for the other to catch up.

months after, you two were more than willing to run across, disregarding the wet streaks of paint across your clothes. to taerae, that was through the first time you both ever kissed while you both pulled an all-nighter for finals; both of you were tired, it was one in the morning, and the taste of coffee was still present on his lips.

and to you, that was being the first to say 'i love you.' with a bunch of wet streaks of paint smeared across your cheeks. you still can't forget taerae's face when you first said it, almost as if you were both kids and you said some forbidden word.

"what?" you say right after, a bit concerned over the sudden silence between you. sure, you were in a library, but still.

"no way." you laugh at his reaction, his mouth slowly forming into a big smile to the point his dimples were prominent. before you could jokingly repeat his words, he pulled you in what seemed to be the longest hug you've had in years.

the paint seemed to be drying up to look like some sort of home, and you hoped this was the endgame. you haven't loved someone like how you loved taerae in years, and everything about him was special.

but now, you were both standing in the very few empty dry spaces of that room. well, more realistically, you were both in his apartment. should this happen a few months back, you’d bask in the warm comfort of it, but god, this silence is deafening.

“you alright?” taerae’s voice brings you back to reality, you realize you’ve been standing around for probably the past 15 minutes while taerae was busy brewing another cup of coffee for the night. “yeah, just worried about a few deadlines.”

but you knew your answer was nothing to taerae, he knows you too well. "right. we've known each other for like, what, 6 years? i know that's not the only thing bugging you lately.” you sigh at his response, a worried look visible on his face, does he know as well? you ask yourself.

and you realize it was cloudy, hindering the paint to dry up. you’re still standing on the same empty spots, both scared to take a step towards some finish line, a window of some sort to let some light in. it felt like all your unresolved arguments, what ifs, unfinished deep talks, and “how are you’s” were the wet paint you were so scared of getting a stain off.

“no really, just tired lately. you don’t have to worry about me.” you walk over and reassure him with a simple kiss on the cheek, to which taerae simply mumbles a small ‘alright.’ though you can still tell he doesn’t believe you.

so you planned to try and be bold on some other day. but taerae’s “hey, love.” the moment he welcomed you back into his apartment with a hug and kiss on the forehead delayed it to your dismay. (it’s not like you hated his touch, but all that confidence building while walking up to his apartment was not worth it).

it's not like you didn't love taerae anymore. you love being the first person to see him in the morning, and the last he sees before he sleeps. you love him. but it wasn't the sort of love that kept you going despite the arguments before.

and all you could do was reply with a kiss and bask in his warmth for a little while. judging from his slightly sad greeting earlier, you know taerae thinks the same about your relationship. the both of you tiptoeing to a blank spot where it’s a constant routine of asking how the other is feeling about something; about this; and finally about us, you hoped.

but you didn’t hope he’d ask this soon. what more during a dark, rainy night while you’re both busy finishing up the leftovers from his fridge. the only thing keeping you both in the same table was the random video taerae started playing that piqued your interest.

“how do you feel about this?” oh. you're backed into an empty corner.

you gaze at him from across the table, a glass of water in hand, “about us?” he continues. the sound of rain and his god-awful cutlery (you could barely poke it through your food) hitting the table amidst the silence was almost deafening.

and that’s when you realize taerae ran back to the starting line, regardless of the paint staining his clothes. so you ran after him with the same sense of adventure you had before, the moment you reached him all you said was “i think it’s better if we break up.”

taerae smiles pitifully, looking back to his empty plate. and he hoped, he prayed you can’t see the hurt on his face when even he knew this might come sooner or later. “yeah.”

“i understand, i thought so too.” he reassures you after a few minutes of silence, pushing his plate to the side. “but you know i’ll still love you regardless right?” he asks, to which you laugh, the tension fading away.

“just not in the same way anymore, right? like the days before you turned up blackout drunk.” you joke. you could never hate taerae, especially not during the days you’d spend mornings with him clinging on; or the nights when he’s busy boiling noodles while you’re studying for exams.

he laughs along, “yeah, as friends.”

but when taerae wakes up the next morning to silence, his bed feeling lighter than usual, the scent of rain still fresh from last night, he’s feeling awfully lonely. but he resists the temptation of typing the typical, rom-com ‘i miss you.’ text, you’re probably still asleep at this time, he knows your schedule by heart.

the thing with the love the both of you shared was how it never caught one by surprise. sure, taerae’s drunken confession is one, but you both took things slow. almost too slow to some. his feelings were a slow buildup, only realizing he was interested in you when he was cleaning up his desk, which was full of trinkets you gave him.

only did he realize he was in love is when he hadn’t taken off the keychain you gave him on his birthday in months, which you pointed out was all dirty and scratched up. but he responded to your complaint with a “but it’s from you!” and he realized it has and will always be you.

and only did he realize you’ll forever have a special place in his heart while he’s still in bed, hair sticking up everywhere and his eyes barely opening as the sun blares through his curtains as the gray clouds slowly disappear.

when the silence finally settles in him, taerae figures he’d rather take his goodbye slowly as well.

#zb1 x reader #zerobaseone x reader #zb1 scenarios #zb1 drabbles #zb1 imagines #zerobaseone taerae #kim taerae #kim taerae x reader #taerae imagines

[astroprompts]

✧ —𝐁𝐎𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 [𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝟑]

“Darling, you're doing marvelously, I am so proud of you.”

“Just write a script for me, so I don't have to think for myself.”

“You better not have gotten your failure stink all over my important movie star clothes.”

“That is going to lead to some wackiness. You mark my words.”

“Hey, champ, I have a very important job for you.”

“Why does everything I love fall apart as soon as I touch it?”

“What legacy of ruin am I left with? What rewards have I reaped for the damage done?”

“You look different. Older. A lot older.”

“I'm not interested in being rebirthed. I'm still recovering from being birthed the first time.”

“I want to do things that connect with people, things that last.”

“If I'm going to sacrifice my journalistic integrity, it's because I'm having sex with a movie star.”

“How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong you can never go back?”

“Thanks a lot. Once again, you've been no help whatsoever.”

“What, you're just gonna stay at home and get drunk all day?”

“Let's get wrecked and get Shreked.”

“You're bright and you're funny and you're handsome and you're talented. But if you can't see that, then you're the biggest, dumbest piece of shit in the world.”

“If you get scared, look for me in the audience. I'll be there the whole time, laughing and cheering louder than anyone.”

“Thirty years I threw into this job, and it destroyed me from the inside out.”

“A lot of guys in your position wouldn't take gigs like this. They'd be afraid people would make fun of them.”

“If you care about what other people think, you're never gonna do anything.”

“Put the corpse on ice, I'm on my way.”

“I'm not avoiding you. I'm just making an effort to not be in a room alone with you because I am... Avoiding you.”

“You know, I think we're alike in a lot of ways. Sometimes that's great, but it also means we can bring out the worst in each other.”

“I just think maybe it's better, for both of us, if we keep things a little more professional.”

“It smells like a skunk skunked another skunk in here, then they smoked a joint. What happened?”

“Sometimes you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.”

“It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesn't have to be that way.”

“I haven't seen you since high school. You look great!”

“My dumb best friend's getting married, so I'm here for the rehearsal dinner.”

“Boring regular people love it when movie stars show up and drink their alcohol.”

“This is not the time for one of your weird stories that go nowhere.”

“If you're lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, sink your nails in and don't let go, no matter what.”

“One day, you're gonna look around and you're going to realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.”

“I would seriously like to know what crawled up your butt, made a home for itself in your butt, started a family, lived a fruitful life, and then died up your butt.”

“When you do bad things, you have something you can point to when people eventually leave you. It's not you, you tell yourself, it's that bad thing you did.”

“Listen, I've been with guys like you before, and I know this thing works better if we keep a little distance.”

“It's so sad that when you see someone as they really are, it ruins them.”

“You're sweet. You shouldn't waste that on people who don't deserve it.”

“Are you sure this whole thing isn't just a semi-lucid fever dream from mixing the wrong pills?”

“It's so cruel to let people love you. All you're doing is promising you'll one day break their hearts.”

“We don't really have the kind of relationship where we talk about things.”

“Just because you have a shitty relationship with your family doesn't mean every other family has to have drama too.”

“Ugh! Why did I get my hopes up? Why do I keep letting you get my hopes up?”

“Do a girl a favor, don't break her heart by inches. Do it all at once. It'll save everyone some time.”

“Should we get dinner, or are you just thinking drinks?”

“Good luck finding another charming first-generation Italian immigrant with this kind of darling accent, who makes equally delightful malapropisms!”

“Is there a single woman you've worked with who you haven't tried to groggily thrust yourself into?”

“You're such a self-pitying masochist, I could say ten nice things and one mean thing, you would only hear the one mean thing.”

“Did you ever love me? At all?”

“You know that I don't do the whole love thing. Either you end up hurting someone or they hurt you. So, what's the point?”

“I do love you, by the way. I mean, as much as I'm capable of loving anyone.”

“I assure you the animated GIFs with which I describe this encounter shall be scathing!”

“You can't keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay!”

“You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It's you.”

“Your skin is so soft, it's like you murdered a baby and stole its skin. Your skin is murdered-baby soft.”

“Let's get higher than a stilt walker's dick!”

“If you have to listen to losers talk about their shitty sober lives, it's a lot more fun to be buzzed.”

“You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them, but you have to stop yourself, because there are some people you can't save. 'Cause those people will thrash and struggle and try to take you down with them.”

“I always forget that there are more than just the six stars you can see in the Los Angeles sky.”

“In the great grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten.”

“The only thing that matters is right now, this moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together.”

“I'm poison. I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch.”

“I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.”

“What's your deal? I feel like you like me, but you don't like me, but you like me, and I don't know what that is.”

“Are you gay? You can tell me if you're gay, it's fine. This isn't the 1600s, or some places in the present.”

“I'm not gay. I mean, I don't think I am, but... I don't think I'm straight, either.”

#rp meme #ask meme #dialogue prompt #sentence starters #bojack horseman

[rinatic]

In love with my roommate | Johnny Suh

Pairing: roommate!johnny x fem!reader

Genre: best friends, roommates, friends to lovers, angst and fluff.

Word count: 2k

Warnings: shirtless johnny

A/n: first attempt so pls be nice to me lol, hope y'all enjoy this :)

I rolled over in my bed and looked at the time on my cell phone. It was 9:30 p.m. and my twenty-minute power nap had accidentally turned into a two-hour snooze. I glanced out the window to check the weather conditions. It was completely dark with a lot of wind.

Definitely not the best time to jog around, but it would have to do. I really needed to walk to clear my mind from one thing.

My crush likes someone else.

And what is worse is my crush is, unfortunately, my roommate.

I threw off my blankets and pushed myself out of bed. I gave one good yawn with a long stretch then plopped back on my bed. Remembering that he told me he's going on a date today and might bring that girl he keeps talking about to our shared apartment.

He did leave early, so i suppose they're on their way to here? If so, i have to hurry up, i need to get dressed and be outside in like minutes. If i don't get my lazy ass off my bed and start dressing soon, I'll get to see him here with her.

And I don't want to see her.

I can't allow myself to because I'll know she'll become the person i hate the most, knowing myself, I'll probably blame her for every little thing that goes wrong in my life from the very moment i see her.

And I don't want to do that.

But how will I avoid her when she'll be the girlfriend of my roommate?

A knock on the door startled me. "Are you there, y/n? Can i enter?"

It's him, of course it's him, who would it be except that stupid boy i like?

I found myself fixing my posture as well as my fixing my hair. I hate to admit it but it became a habit to check if i look present and neat in front of him. "Yeah, come in." The door swung open slowly, and there stood Johnny, wearing nothing more than a towel that he wrapped around his waist, showing off his perfectly chiseled body. The towel looked like it will fall any moment.

Little water drops fell from his hair strands to his neck to his chest. I couldn't help but admire how fucking hot he looks right now.

I hope he did not notice me practically drooling over him. "You've been in your bed all day?" Yeah, depressed because you don't acknowledge me nor my feelings towards you, I thought. "Yeah, but I'm going to hang out with a friend, I'm gonna get ready.."

"At this hour? You goin' to a bar or somethin'?" Ugh. That's what I dislike about him. He's so nosy. He's the type to want to know everything, so annoying. I watched him as he went to my closet. "Can't I leave this house without telling you where I'm going?"

"I tell you everything, we're best friends so we shouldn't hide something from each other." He threw a glance at me over the shoulder then took my perfume. He had the audacity to come to my closet and steal this specific perfume everytime he has an important event to attend. Or specifically when he has a date.

Yes, I've suffered for the past two years from watching him going on countless dates. Bringing his girlfriends here and even fucking them here in his room that is right next to mine, i had to listen to it all night while crying silently. He really made me master crying without making any sound, it did became a talent.

He started spraying it on his body, he sprays too much, literally drenches himself in perfumes and it did make me anxious. You wouldn't stand being close to him, you'll get dizzy.

But i don't mind.

"I'm sure your girl will get dizzy if you keep spraying all that." I said. "Nah, you know girls love men who smell good."

I sighed. "I know but that's way too much- wait, you're still using my perfume even after what happened?" His ex girlfriend who was practically living with us here last summer fought with him over this, she thought he was cheating and broke up with him. I don't really understand how he thinks that putting my perfume on will make him attractive.

"I love the smell, okay?"

"Ugh, put it back, i have no time to buy another these days."

"Shut up, you use my stuff too." He put it back and ran his fingers through his soft black hair. I brought my attention to his face again. "I only took a hoodie, it was an emergency and i gave it back."

"Steal anything you want, y/n, there's no other girl that will take my things." I smiled upon hearing his words. "Yet." My smile dropped. And i hoped he didn't notice the dimness on my face since i just remembered his date.

i got up and left my bed untidy, pushing the thought away to the back of my head. While passing by him I ignored how hot he was and kept my attention on my closet. Picked a basic shirt and pants. Grabbed my hair essentials as well since he doesn't look like he'll get out any time sooner. "That outfit isn't enough, it's so cold outside."

I stopped mid walking. "It's fine, i don't get cold easily." I said with bored eyes. He left the room and i put my things on my bed and closed the door. Is he mad or something or did he want to give me space to change in my own room?

I finished dressing up quickly and let my hair loose on my shoulders. I turned the handle of the door and went searching for the keys.

Did he leave already?

I let out a big sigh as i felt my eyes welling up with tears. Did he really leave that fast? Without even saying goodbye? Does he hate me? I don't really understand why i still have a crush on him at this point. It's useless, I'm wasting my emotions and time when i could be doing something better.

"So you didn't wear a jacket, here.."

Two hands put a jacket on my shoulders. I turned around and he started helping me wear it properly. "You always get so cold, i can't stand seeing you shaking." He zipped it and smiled at me. "You look cute in my jacket."

I pretended I'm fixing my 'makeup' while I'm actually wiping my eyes. "Thanks, wear a one too."

"If i wear a jacket, my date won't notice my sexy body!" He argued playfully, i smiled at his stupid reason. "You look good anyways, you don't have to show your body."

I blurted these words out and bit my lip bottom, damn, did i just let him know that i acknowledge how good he looks?

"Why don't you walk with me to the nearby restaurant?" He said, ignoring the statement i said and I'm glad he did so, he raised his eyebrows and placed a grin on his lips, he always does that face to make me say yes. "Alright." I said. I bet he noticed how uninterested i am, maybe that will make him leave me alone.

He grabbed the keys. "You've been my best friend for a long time, y/n, so i want you to see my date." Hm. That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to have a breakdown when i meet her. I know how weak i am when it comes to handling my emotions. "You're good at reading people, that's why i need you with me, babe."

Did this man just call me babe?

I ignored that feeling in my stomach and nodded. "Let's go!" He blurted happily and skipped to the building's gate. I sighed as i watched him waiting for me to come with a smile.

I wish the reason behind that smile was me.

Skipping a few stairs, then, i walked next to him, i put my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. He was weirdly quiet, usually johnny talks a lot. And he only stops if he's eating or thinking.

So i guess he's thinking of something.

"Why are you dressed so simple." I asked when i saw his outfit. Hw wore a pair of jeans and a sweater. "My date loves simple things, she isn't into fancy stuff." I hummed and brought my attention to the stores. I remember the last time we walked together here. It was last christmas i believe, we had this tradition of taking walks in December as a friendship thing because we met each other in December.

"We arrived." His voice brought me to reality. I looked at the restaurant. It was the restaurant we ate together a lot when we started attending college. Out of all restaurants in town, did he have really have to bring her here?

Why is he quiet? I waited for him to step inside but it looks like his legs got frozen. "Aren't you going to enter?" I asked. Waiting for a response. "she's not inside..."

Is she late to the date? Who's that stupid woman anyways to be late to a date with the johnny suh? If i were her i would've arrived thirty minutes earlier. I can't believe we're freezing in cold waiting for her to come. This alone says a lot about her. But it's good, maybe this will make him uninterested.

"...she's right next to me."

Huh? What did he say?

I looked to his other side. "Nah, she's not here, dumbo."

"If anyone is dumb then it's you, y/n." I furrowed my eyebrows. "Hey, from the moment we met till now i still manage to outsmart you in every situation."

"Yeah, it's obvious." He rolled his eyes. "Are you making fun of me?"

"Yes, because the girl i like is you, y/n."

What?

Did i hear him right?

WAIT.

....

"Huh.. it doesn't make any sense, can you please speak more clearly?"

"I literally just admitted i like you.." he looked at me and stopped talking for seconds, analysing my expression. "Well. It's shocking.."

"It's not, how can someone not fall for you." He got that flirty romantic look in his eyes and i immediately looked away shyly. I can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. Does he really like me? And if he did, why did he tortured me all this time?

"Well, i like you too." I admitted. Still not believing the fact that we just confessed to each other, but wait, what if this is a prank?

"I know you like me." I immediately darted my attention to him. "Huh? How did you know?!" I asked in disbelief. "You were obvious, y/n, you can't really hide your emotions."

I bit my lip in embarrassment. "But I'm kinda sad you didn't notice my crush on you." He said, pretending to be sad by doing an awfully cringy aegyo expression. "Like, i literally use your perfume only! I buy you lots of things too! I even tried to get a reaction from you by bringing girls in our dorm, but still nothing. You frustrated me to be honest."

"You're frustrated? Frustration is a weak word to describe how i felt! I wanted to kill you!" He raised his eyebrows. A little too surprised at my choice of words. "Still, I'm not in the wrong." He crosses his arms. "The problem is, i was so obvious, it's not my problem you didn't know i like you."

"How am i supposed to know when you're flirting with literally everyone?" He laughed. And even though i felt annoyed every time i remember it, i couldn't help but smile upon seeing him laugh. "You sound so bothered, i promise you i won't flirt with everyone from now on."

Thinking of us dating, i was too deep in my own thoughts that i didn't realize his hands on my arms. He grabbed me by the jacket and slammed his lips on mine softly, he finally kissed me the kiss i daydreamed about. I wrapped my hands around his neck. Playing with his hair as we kiss.

"Johnny, i think people are staring." I pulled away and whispered into his lips. "Don't pay attention, we can do what we want.." he smiled at me softly "we will do what we want." He connected our lips again, this time, i kissed him with no care in the world.

"I love you, even though you're stupid as hell to the point of not getting my hints."

"Did you just call me stupid?!"

"Sorry!"

#nct 127 #nct #nct u #nct u angst #nct 127 fluff #nct imagines #nct johnny #nct reactions #nct headcanons #nct fluff #nct fanfic #nct scenarios #nct x reader

[mrs-mquve-cc]

MRSM'QUVE HAIR & EYEBROW COLORS 2023, now featuring too many goddamn colors

So... (actual) OCD got the better of me and I added 3 more unnaturals to my current hair palette to have neat families for my personal binning system. Which brings the total to 36, because apparently I hate myself.

The new colors are Toxigen, Hydrazine, and Hazardous. Nothing else has changed - uploaded hairs will still have only naturals binned (not familied), and dreads, afros, etc. will have Explosive in place of Molotov.

Consequently, Semtexigen and Hazardous have been added to the eyebrow palette I started using last year. Napardx goes with Hydrazine so I didn't need a 3rd color. Semtexigen matches Toxigen (and Semtex if you use it). I chose Hazardous over Selezardium because it suits my needs better and because it's dark blue, it will be BSOK'd under Cannogentmx.

Going forward, I'm also trying to avoid hairs over 30K polys unless it's for a specific character sim. I have a few I can't part with, but polycounts are going through the roof these days and I mostly prefer older hairs anyway since IMO they have more variety.

For my personal use, I'm retroactively adding colors to both my old palette hairs I still use and and all 2022 hairs & eyebrows. As semi-realistic unnaturals aren't in high demand, I won't be uploading them formally. But if you want any, just ask and if I've done or am planning to do them I'll upload them for you!

[goopyedgay]

Uh time to be cringe

sometimes it makes me feel very bad and the fact of being a gregstella shipper bothers me, imagine that what you love the most and makes you happy is also what hurts you the most, I'm not doing anything wrong and still the people get to be very annoying and cruel to me, I want to believe because I am the one who is actively creating content about them, so I guess it makes sense that I'm the one who takes the hits.

I'm someone who tries to take things calmly but sometimes I just explode over things as simple and stupid as these, I know I asked people to block me if my content bothers them, and I appreciate that they do, but there are also people that the only thing seeks is to annoy, even sending me messages that I should kms.

I couldn't care less about these things when I'm in a good mood but in these moments when I just feel bad and I can only say, I'm sorry? sorry for shipping two characters that have nothing problematic? I wish I had become obsessed with something else instead of this but I can't help it, I've been dealing with this shit since last year, but now that I've become more open it only makes things worse.

I can't even calmly interact with the hellpark fandom because I'm afraid they'll get mad at me and point out that I'm "proshipper" or "lesbiphobic", at this point I don't even want to draw HP Estella and Gregory together, I have to admit that I ship them and that was the reason why I started doing it gregstella content, but to avoid problems I created my own au or whatever. (and it ended up becoming a very ambitious project wow)

I'm not lesbiphobic, in fact, I really like ships wlw, and I have considered being a lesbian many times but i'm aro so meh, just because I like a "straight" ship doesn't negate everything else, it will sound like an excuse but I don't even consider Gregory to be a man (or at least the one from hellpark and my au) or a woman, I consider him as... Gregory just being Gregory? I don't really give much importance to this hc thing because at the end of the day my favorite characters are my favorite characters for other reasons and not just for that, and I found myself unfortunate that my two favorite characters are two that you can't ship because it's "wrong". I know there are some gregstella shippers who have said or done unpleasant things, but there will always be weird people, and that doesn't mean we should pigeonhole us all into that.

It's sad that I have to say something as stupid as this to me. But I needed to get this off my chest because I'm really getting tired of this kind of stuff, I'll probably delete this later or maybe keep it here so people are clear about where I stand and stop saying or misinforming what I do or say, like e.g. I draw nsfw (something I have never done publicly and I haven't drawn this type of explicit things for years since I was grommed lol, and if I did in the future that is something that does not concern you, much less if you are minors)

Anyway, thank you very much to the people who support me and like my art, you really motivate me to continue being open with what I like and continue bringing content for the community of this beautiful ship, or even if you don't like the ship and you only like my artstyle, it is also appreciated ♥️

This is more vent than a clarification, but hey, take it as you want, love y'all!

[mutable-manifestation]

"So he pasted on a stoic expression and gave a simple "No.""

Here's where we differentiated because I shifted to Damian's POV and kinda forced the matter. So we could Get Damian's perspective on Danny's cover." After that was the stuff I couldn't figure out because of this spot right here! Danny's answer had to be "no" the misunderstanding doesn't sink as well if it doesn't.

The memory of tests, the pre-established no-codewords *chef's kiss* because it is always going to be safer for Danny to make contact in some other way. With invisibility and intangiblity even more so.

Closing the box cutter like that, perfect. Danny knows better than to attempt to rival Damian, especially when he's under the assumption that Damian is still acting heir. Oof I can't think of any reason getting called back wouldn't spell trouble.

I love the slight implication with the evil billionaires list and tuckers unspoken question, to me it reads like Lex has also tried to clone Phantom. Which I don't think was intended but, it tracks! He totally would!

Tim's questions, Danny looking to Damian for orders. Yes. Just yes, perfection, right there in front of my face but the question didn't even occur to me. Wonderful.

Everything that follows, YOUR TAGS they look like my notes we were on the same wavelength I swear!

Do you have plans to keep going with this? Can we collab if you do?

See I couldn't bring myself to use the Damian POV because in my mind his internal dialogue would just be. Static.

Like, yes, he's a highly trained assassin. And idk too much about batman timeline but I've seen stuff about how he's had character growth and gotten better about things over time. If he came to them at 10 and he's 16 now, that's 6 years for his personal growth. Learning to care about people again.

But outside of missions the batfam are all hot garbage and personal interaction, and I imagine Damian's had enough growth by this point to get to the "people matter to me as more than murder tools/mission tolls" idea, but without any of the understanding of how to deal without a given context.

And with Danny, the context has always been "avoid/ignore."

Danny isn't a classmate. He isn't one of his adopted brothers that he has learned how to squabble/get along with over time. And, most of all, whatever Danny might believe, he is not a League member. Which leaves Damian with no framework for how to deal with him.

Damian had/has a hard enough time getting over his League training, how does he help Danny get over his? Especially when 10 years of it would have been training he did to himself.

How does he interact with someone he was raised to hold at arms-length^2?

So I figured doing his POV would be too difficult because I couldn't think of much beyond static, panicked rambling, and several mock-conversations on how to break it to Danny that the League is gone without him going off on a suicide mission against the coup-people.

Which is kind of a shame, because you could fit a lot of angst in ala grief for Danny's seemingly emotionless state and guilt for forgetting him (which, not Damian's fault the League just sucks, but people don't stop blaming themselves for things just because they know they don't need to. Emotions be cray).

"Oof I can't think of any reason getting called back wouldn't spell trouble"

idk why but this made me think of an AU version where Damian intercepted the letter but the League actually was calling Danny back at the time (no coup), so they try to find him in Nanda Parbat only to find the (fake) dead body to the resulting tune of: Batfam Grief Rampage Time (TM). Except the League called him back because they found out what he was leaving out of his reports (about the portal & tech, not about him being a halfa) so when the batfam go to Amity to talk to the Fenton's about their "dead" son Amity is walled off w/an anti-liminal shield & armed to the teeth waiting for assassins (bc u know the whole town is in danger of being conscripted after bathing in portal radiation for so long. Call that "League of Assassins Park" at that point - sans the whole cult aspect. Unless u count the Phantom Phans).

"I love the slight implication with the evil billionaires list and tuckers unspoken question, to me it reads like Lex has also tried to clone Phantom. Which I don't think was intended but, it tracks! He totally would!"

You know that really wasn't the implication I was going for, but I could totally see Lex trying to clone Phantom. Maybe he heard about the whole overshadowing thing and was like "yo loyal clone to control the actual superman is way better than a second superman that could (did) go rogue! And this one can even be a (former) human!!!"

"Tim's questions, Danny looking to Damian for orders. Yes. Just yes, perfection, right there in front of my face but the question didn't even occur to me. Wonderful."

Am basking in the positive feedback like a lizard in the sun thanks ☀️🦎🥰 

"Do you have plans to keep going with this? Can we collab if you do?"

I thought about making a follow-up, but the stuff others tagged on kinda satisfied the brain itch for me.

But! I could totally see this turning into a fully fleshed-out fic, and I think I'd enjoy writing for it, so if you want to make it happen I'd be happy to collab :)

#dpxdc

[softpine]

@bb-enablefreebuild LITERALLYYYYYYY i even have this exact image saved in my asa & finn web weaving folder jfksjds it's so them, even the hands 😭

@forgotten-pixels oh yeah he definitely has a wikipedia page!! his first single was a pretty big hit and even though his other work hasn't been as mainstream, he's contributed to a bunch of other artists' work so he's still well known in certain circles. i also think he's JUST famous enough to get those weird AI generated articles written about him, like "remember the guy who sang [song title from 15 years ago]? this is him now!!" because he's not well known enough for people to realize it's false / clickbait lmao. (btw you never have to apologize for asking questions!! i love them at any time 🥺)

asa has a regular phone but he may as well not have one at all because he quite literally never charges it or brings it anywhere fjkjsds stevie is the one who's always switching out her phone case & never gets around to putting a screen protector on so her screen is definitely cracked, i think elaine probably loses her phone the most on accident, and jada will say she lost her phone even when it's ringing in her hand because she just doesn't want to answer. if we still had texting limits stevie would use that shit up in half an hour, if that!!

his intentions were good...... his execution however..... leaves a lot to be desired

i'm so sorry my brain cannot even think about april fools right now without the dan and phil brainrot fully taking over 😭😭😭 no other pranks exist in my brain at the moment i can't even think of any sjksjd i could definitely see mikaela & danny pranking each other though

HELPPP this is so funny but i'm gonna have to say casper, there is no way he knows what that is

thank you for the idea!! i'm trying to avoid sending people a patreon link for written work; even if it's free (and it would be), there's still a connotation that it would cost money and i'm afraid no one would even click the link to read it (plus i've already used my patreon for cc so i'm afraid i would annoy the people who followed me for that content). ughhhh but thank you for trying :(

i'm really bummed about substack because it looked like the easiest way to accomplish what i want to accomplish but i'm sure i'll find something eventually. thanks for the interest 🥺

i would love to, but tumblr has a 30 pic limit and also i need to cut myself off at some point because otherwise i could literally spend months on 1 single post lmao 😭

you were right :P :P

i forgot about that too!! iirc wasn't it just dependent on the number of sims you have & their ages? asa bounces between caroline's and danny's houses so he would change the difficulty, but the mayfields would always have the highest rating because they also have sadie & the farm animals to take care of!

yes definitely!! just please credit the original mesh creator if applicable (i always list them) 💝

i forgot to answer this when you sent it, but i did read it right away and it made me smile, so thank you 💖💖

it really is the most attractive trait a person can have to me fjkjsds did you ever hear from that guy btw?? 💕

THANK YOUUU kisses you back one thousand times 💖💖💖

@minamill ILYYY 💞

@morrigan-sims thank you!!!! 🥺

#sorry some of these are absurdly late 😭 #grab a snack it's a long one #asks #anonymous #nonsims #brandi answers