#and i didnt even. realize that it could be like that honestly

[pleckthaniel]

my meds are working i think.

#i just... i have been laughing so much more #and i baked a pie for the first time in years #i stood up long enough to bake a pie! #and ive been crying a lot more which i know sounds bad but like #i was unbearably sad for years and literally Could not cry even though i was super like. existentially depressed #and its not like im not depressed anymore like i still have all the same thought patterns and stuff but its just #like i have more access to my emotions and the bad ones are kinda. #not tamped down actually cause thats what they were like most of the time before. almost hte opposite #like i opened the faucet and now i can just be sad when im sad instead of releasing the sadness slowly in general misery over three weeks #which is sorta the opposite of what lexapro did to me #and its not like i dont have bad days #like i had my period the other day and literally did not get out of bed lol #but thats a separate issue and now that ive separated those things i can address them both separately you know #like thats solvable. i will solve it some day #i thought i was going to solve it this summer but that. didnt work out i guess #but maybe in the fall ill be able to see a doctor who'll put me on hrt? allegedly the university doctors are trans friendly #fuck dude i just. im dumping a lot in here im just. even though things arent perfect i think i really have been having more good days #like on average per month #and fewer bad days #and i didnt even. realize that it could be like that honestly #i thought i was just doomed lol #and maybe im not??? its big. #personal #uh i cant do the reblog settings on this for some reason but yknow #dont rb. obviously

[pictureday2005]

i dont need therapy or medication i need it to be 2007. i need it to be my full time job to learn and explore and be curious about the world around me again

#crayon on envelope #i cant do any of that shit when i gotta have a job #i really miss when all i had to do was go to school #like i didnt realize how good i had it at the time #go in for like six hours and still have time and sunlight to do what i wanted when i got home #weekends off where all your friends Also have it off so you can organize hanging out #the whole summer to yourself #honestly i feel like id be doing so much better psychologically if i could have summer vacation again lol #bc at least then i was working towards something #just gotta get through the year so i can enjoy my summer #now its like. why am i even doing all of this #why is my only goal to suffer till i get a paycheck #and i dont even get to keep most of it #pointless luv litchrally pointless

[destroyedparadise234]

obsessed with how Star Wars de-canonized Obi-Wan secretly giving Anakin the cheat sheet to speedrun becoming a Force ghost, and instead has made them into a dyad so that even IN DEATH they are cosmically incapable of leaving each other obikins just keep winning

(referencing this article suggesting they’re a dyad)

#obikin #makes me wonder how THAT first interaction went if it wasnt obi wan who actually taught anakin how to force ghost #but instead as obi wan and yoda watched the death star blow up in the distance they just #hear nervous shuffling from behind them and a ‘u-uh… master?’ #and obi wan’s jaw drops bc its a fuckin blue anakin skywalker looking not a day over 22 #and yoda IMMEDIATELY dissolves into thin air for the moment #bc no way in all the sith hells is he going to stick around for this conversation #at least not until those two finally have the heart to heart convo they desperately needed #and yoda expects maybe some shouting #maybe a lot of shouting #maybe a shove or a slap if theyre feeling spicy #he pops back in after like 30 minutes to make sure these two idiots havent found a way to somehow make force ghosts bite the dust #and finds that these two were alot more spicy than he anticipated #bc honestly he didnt realize force ghost clothing could be removed #i cant believe the dyad theory is in mainstream now #they really said even in death where there is a kenobi you’ll find a skywalker not too far behind

[thebigqueer]

unrelated to that rb but im thinking about it and i dont think piper liking jason was ever a forced heteronormativity thing i think she genuinely liked him

#like i relate to her so much cuz like i also like guys and even though at this point in my life im more attracted to girls ive never #considered my guy crushes as 'not knowing i was queer' i think i genuinely liked them #but also the concept of piper not dealing with her internalized amatonormativity hits sooooo hard like i didnt even think of it like that #the fact she moved on from jason so quick too. not that she needs to always feel sad for him but it had to have been like at max 4 months #which isnt to say people cant move on its just for your ex bf dying that seems so quick to me #her turning to romance again to help her problems because its just what shes always been led to believe #especially as a daughter of aphrodite.... wow many thoughts. want to put her in the microwave #in other news i totally admit as cute as her and shel are it was definitely forced as a way to 'show' she was queer #but she didnt need a girl to show she was queer she could hvae just told it honestly. not everyone who finds out theyre queer is immediatel #in a relationship and you dont always need a relationship to realize youre queer #sorry that post got me thinking about other things lol #piper mclean #riordanverse

[oetter]

god bless my professor i love that woman so much

#im fucking. shaken up by what happened earlier. it scared me more than i realized at the time #hockey is a dangerous fucking sport. i didnt even see the kid get hurt but watching them get him on a gurney and wheel him out #with a neck brace and an iv just. god. he’s 19 years old. he’s a teenager. he’s still in critical condition right now. #going back through the footage i got isnt really helping and i know i can’t do proper voiceover work right now or i’ll sound like a child #emailed my prof abt the sitch and she is. the kindest woman in the world and offered an extension despite the policy being 24 hours advance #and it’s due in two hours. yet she gave me another full day. im gonna cry #i need to go to bed. i just. i feel sick to my stomach about the poor kid and about this assignment. #it just didn’t hit me that it can happen to people i know and love and seeing the ambulance pull up to the rink i just about ran inside #trying to make sure it wasnt one of mine. but that didnt even matter. #god. why do people still play hockey. i dont think i could ever manage. #i might honestly need to take a break from even watching hockey for a little bit. ill see how i feel in the morning #right now i feel like crying though. gonna go do that. #oetteryaps

[silentspectres]

currently taking -1hp psychic damage from hyperfixation

#okay to reblog #i fully did this to myself i just didnt realize how thoroughly i've painted myself into a corner #i started a durge playthrough of bg3 but since i had have two saves (mercury my solo + shrike who is co-op) #i decided i would use an existing oc i've written for for 13 years #seems logical - i already have his personality and a basic idea of how he'd deal with the durge's tendencies #since in his own canon he struggles in a similar way of not totally being in control of his actions #and has become a puppet to a being that wants to steal his mind to cause discord + strife #and he can easily be slotted into a warlock since in his own canon he made an 'agreement' with #well basically one of the gods of the land for protection #also part of my choice to use him in my third playthrough was pettiness for astarion also having curly white hair #because they unfortunately look similar and i have to live with that #but yknow whatever i was like this is a low commitment playthrough just to explore the durge storyline #and it's easier to use Silent here since his own existing story already has keynotes that would probably overlap #BUT THE PROBLEM IS #IM DRIVING MYSELF INSANE #i need locked in a room with a giant conspiracy board #i cant even share my thoughts because i'd have to first explain who Silent is and what his deal is in canon #and then from there I'd be able to talk about the parallels or the way some of the stuff that's happened in bg3 has already fucked him up #like what was i honestly expecting when i made this choice #i don't know how or why i Thought using one of my longest existing ocs would mean i could get through this playthrough low effort #i have cursed myself to be thinking about it x2 as often because it's both the game im obsessed with and my main mascot Silent #and the worst part is i keep violently swinging from thinking about Silent in bg3 to Silent just In General #so I simultaneously need to see and do things with him in this new setting while dying to tell everyone about him in his natural setting #i'm dying #silent speaks #yes i'm called Silent and he's also called Silent #no he's not a persona/self insert it's like a branding thing

[yo9urt]

mutuals i may be on the verge of becoming a gamer...

#not really LOL not like a serious one at least but umm this could be huge #mine #ok i realize i havent made a personal post in a while so let me explain... #for a while now ive been wanting to get a proper pc so i can play games and also do other stuff (<- macbook air owner) #but i was like ill just wait til i move out cause money and moving etc etc and then i was like well maybe ill get one for black friday #and then i was like no i don't have space and i need to be frugal and it'll be easier to move out if i don't have a pc to worry about #but i still want to play games...COUGH bg3. i really wanna play bg3...and minecraft and stardew valley and the yakuza games also #possibly other games too but anyway i was beginning to lose hope and then i saw someone on some thread somewhere mention the steam deck #and i was like oh yeah waht is that thing (i had never considered it before bc i thought it was more of a serious gamer thing but i also #didnt really know what it was at all anyway back on topic) so i goog'd it and it's like exactly what i need? #it's in my budget + small and portable + can run all the games on my list #(it doesn't run bg3 WELL...you have to be a bit careful with the settings and the framerate is a little messy #but i'm willing to accept that honestly it doesn't bother me i just want to play the game i'll lower my standards) #and with winter break coming up i'm like umm. i need something to do.... #plus they just came out with the oled version and after doing research #even though i want to be frugal i honestly think the 512gb oled seems like the right choice #so. i might order it tomorrow LMAO

[hyperspacial]

King of being bullied more as an adult than as a closeted autistic child 💪

#i honestly wish i could go back because at least then i didnt realize i was being bullied #now i have to fucking. keep notes for HR. #now im still not sure if im being bullied but im pretty sure somethings off and literally everyone is saying yeah #this happens in every adult job and organization ive taken on. i do a good job #the people in charge see that im doing a good job. they move me up to work with a powerful/demanding woman in the organization #and then she proceeds to wreck me psychologically until i hit my breaking point and have to leave #LIKE CLOCKWORK #i think successful women can just smell the autism on me and know they can push me around #and my mommy issues be like 💖 its okay if i work hard enough i can make her like me 💖 #just... jesus fucking christ #i literally HAVE to stay in this job until at least December but god does she make it so hard. #she sent me a document to revise and send for signature at 12:04am this morning and then got pissed at 8:34am when i didnt have it sent out #like bestie youre the one requiring me to commute 40 minutes to the office so i can physically be present to bark orders at #im just. it feels like theres no future where i dont get absolutely trashed at my job. i try to work in corporate and they tear me apart. #its not even just corporate its high school robotics and college extracurriculars and 5/7 adult jobs ive held like fuck. #i wish i was a convenience store woman so bad

[dbssh]

my take on starscream and windblade is i genuinely think their dynamic by the end of the series rocks. when starscream is incredibly fond of her and respexts her and sees her as not only an incredibly capable leader but a fundementally good and better person. and windblade is like 😬 starscream? well shes dead now so we never ever have to unpack all that. so uh. lets move on.

#SHE DOESNT FUCKING LIKE HER. #like i think if stsc had lived windblades general opinion wouldve been girl im proud of you and your #growth or whatever but like can you retire or something. stay away from me. #like i think wb meant it when she said she wanted stsc to get better and believed she could. but i dont think theyre ever going to be #friends. im of the opinion that death + the haunting is the best ending for starscream #and that its really the only environment for her that is conducive to fully truly healing and being at peace #like idk i think she was miserable and there would be no future in which people let her 'escape punishment' nor one where shes interested #in doing that even with bee and windblade in her corner. and i just idk #i think she needs space to be alone out from the public eye #and away from all the pressures that kept her spiraling over and over her whole life #and i just. the way exrid was set up i just dont think there was room for her to do that on cybertron #but i dont think shes healthy enough to realize that and leave #and i think 'noble sacrifice that returns her dignity and gives her comfort' #and 'true freedom to be herself no more and no less with the company of someone who actually likes and cares about her with no #responsibility or risk to her physical or mental health' #is like. really the best of both worlds i think it was good for her. #fix its where she gets brought back are cute and all but honestly i dont know. would she even want that. it would change everything #when shes finally for once comfortable and at peace #yk sometimes death is a GOOD THING IN NARRATIVES and she DIDNT EVEN REALLY ALL THE WAY DIE so like i thibk its fine. #i miss her tho. god i miss idw.

[godsfavoritescientist]

*collapses on the floor and starts having visions (new fic ideas)*

#godsrambles #godsficideas #tags essay #the idea is: in his early portal travel days. ford thinks he has discovered a way to quickly and easily confront and kill bill #it sounds almost too good to be true. but he has to try. #the random alien stranger/s who sold him this 'opportunity' for a high price are like 'ok. setting up the death ray now. brb' #'meanwhile a portal to bills dimension will start opening up. its safe youll be fine.' #so ford is sitting in this tiny storage room place with an alleged portal to the nightmare realm slowly opening up before his eyes. #and bill is on the other side of the so-called 'portal.' he can look right back at ford. fords like 'hmm i hate this actually im going' #turns out the door is locked. fords first thought is 'uh oh they sold me out to bill it was all a trick'. but bill is unable to reach him. #it isnt even a portal. its just a glorified interdimensional video call. they locked the door to give them enough time to run off #before ford realized the scam. so bill laughs at him for a min. and then they have a conversation. ford finally asks 'Why??' #'why would you ruin my life??'. and bill kinda. obliges him just this once. drops his cheerful annoying act just this once. #and answers him plainly and honestly 'I didnt. i didnt try to ruin your life. it never even crossed my mind how your life could be affected #'it was all a means to an end. i wasnt ever out to get you. you never factored in at all beyond your use for making the portal.' #'i never even thought about you when we werent interacting. not even once. you think i had some big evil scheme that youre at the center of #'youre insignificant to me. all that happened was: you fell for a scam.' #'will the guys who locked you in here ever think about you again? theyve probably forgotten your face and name already.' #'im not out to get you. i just want my job finished. the same way those guys just wanted their money.' #the bottom line of the convo being: bill really *doesnt* give a single fuck. and ford never mattered to him. #not even enough for him to *think* about ford every now and then. #fords holding a grudge against a guy who barely even remembers him. #obviously this goes against my interpretation of canon but it would still be fun to write #au where bill Truly doesnt care about ford in any way and isnt even interested by him at all #the inspiration for this was just the concept of: how crushing the realization would be for ford #the horror of realizing exactly how insignificant you are in the eyes of the eldritch being that ruined your life #i am willing to write something that feels ooc for bill when it is for angst purposes lmao #indifferent-eldritch-being bill is such an angsty concept. very fun to explore #an ao3 fic called 'the bolt that busted off the lever' (iirc) has this interpretation of bill and it is great #bill looking *bored* while interacting with ford??? absolutely heartbreaking concept 10/10

[skeletalheartattack]

A friendo fmine put me on to a game called "24 Killers" Inspired by the games the chibi-robo people did before they made chibi-robo. I feel like the aesthetic would be up your alley

oh yeah i saw the trailer for 24 Killers just yesterday! it definitely looks a lot like Moon RPG, and i absolutely love it's clay-esque artstyle a whole lot! absolutely want to look take a full look into it whenever i have the chance!

#ask #clanes #i don't know if id ever get to play it but it looks fucking great #i absolutely adored Moon RPG from the streams i watched of it. watched facefullabug's full vods of it #their streams are very nice. also watched their playthrough of chulip and wow the stuff i hadnt seen before from that game #also because of their streams of chulip made me realize how much of the game isnt as vague as people make it out to be #like i feel like you could play chulip without needing a guide at all if you just take the time to talk to everyone with their cards n such #granted ik it takes a lot of time in the game to do so but. i think its really really good #and even with the few mistranslation stuff. youre still able to figure out from other people in town what certain items do #though i guess the only hard thing to figure out would be the funny bone cola usage. since the game is missing a hint about using it #honestly chulip and moon rpgs development history is also neat to me. just learning about what was changed and cut #like moon rpgs reusage of sprites they had to scrap and making them into different contexts #or the woman on the wanted poster who you never get to see in chulip #honestly if i didnt watch their streams of chulip and moon rpg i wouldnt have ever known that stuff #things are neat i think #anyway thank you for the ask :) #i'd love to check out 24 killers some day. whether it be through playing it or watching a stream of it #even if i cant play it im always just happy watching a stream of it

[stinkrascal]

redditors will read a post where someone does something vaguely mean and immediately the comments are filled with armchair psychiatrists diagnosing everyone with borderline personality disorder because apparently the only symptom of bpd is when you’re mean to others

#i hate reddit so much sometimes #i honestly didnt even realize people had this many negative connotations surrounding people with bpd until i joined reddit #now i hate admitting i have bpd bc everyone immediately assumes im evil and i simply want to hurt everyone around me like thanks guys :) #mental health awareness rocks :) #if u think bpd = Mean Disease you are wholly unaware of what it means to have bpd #and then these people get so defensive whenever i try to say that actually sometimes my bpd can be a good thing #because yes my emotions are REALLY intense but it works both ways you know. i feel love and happiness and joy so intensely #when im in a good mood im the most supportive person u will ever meet #and these decrepit self-hating crones come at me like NOOOOOO YOU'RE ACTUALLY INCAPABLE OF BEING KIND AND CONSIDERATE TOWARDS OTHERS #YOUR BPD PREVENTS YOU FROM BEING A KIND PERSON! YOU'RE ALWAYS ON THE VERGE OF HURTING PEOPLE! #full offense but choke <3 #also they act like ppl with bpd are incapable of learning coping mechanisms too lmfao #like yes when im in a bad mood its VERY bad but im also grown enough to keep myself away from people when i get to that point #i know how to pull myself away from situations where i feel like i'll split? a LOT of people with bpd know how to do this??? like what #why do they have to assume that literally every person with bpd is unstable and constantly lashing out at others when that just isn't true #if i could i would fight every redditor with my big fucking fists

[ikyw-t]

this is a moodboard for how my brain has been feeling the past couple weeks. yes i spent like 10 minutes organizing these pictures if that tells u anything about how im feeling

#not that anyone asked but it's bc my adderall rx changed a month ago from extended release to short release #bc the extended release was making me feel super anxious in the afternoon when it would start to wear off #which is obviously counterproductive and i am already anxiety-inclined if that's even a phrase #so ive been on the short release version of adderall for the last month and overall it was going a lot better #the anxiety in the afternoon pretty much disappeared which was nice #the past like three weeks tho ive been dealing with being unable to stop picking at my skin and cuticles too #which is something ive struggled with since middle school in various degrees and tho it was getting better in the past couple years #ive never struggled with it LESS than i have since starting adderall in like march. and my god. what a joy and relief that was #so now that it's started happening again it's honestly pretty upsetting bc it's kinda physically painful and also just rly embarrassing #like i dont even have that bad acne probably but being unable to stop picking at it makes it like ten times worse #like i haven't had acne on my back in like three years since i finished taking accutane #and in the past three weeks i have but it's rly only bc i can't stop scratching at it and so there's gonna be scarring too #it's just very embarrassing and also disappointing nd disheartening since i was finally able to NOT have to deal with this for a few months #it's appalling and upsetting to realize that this was just my life for like a decade before i got treatment for adhd #and once i did it a lot of my impulsive and unconscious skin picking pretty much disappeared. #like damn bro the amount of times my mom and everyone in my family told me how nice my skin would be if i could just leave it alone. yeah. #anyway. im gonna talk to the doctor about this next month when i get my refill obviously bc i am not having a good time #even tho this was working rly great for the first three weeks. like whyyyy can't medicine just work. whyyy #anywayyyy if u read all this no u didnt bc it's embarrassing for me lol #i just felt the need to talk about it cause it's been upsetting me today

[totopopopo]

Also I haven’t been sleeping at all. Like my sleep schedule was relatively fucked up in college just bc it’s college but it was nowhere near what it was like in high school. I could actually sleep in college. I didn’t realize it was my meds BUUUT. I can’t sleep. I’ll try to go to bed at 12 and then I’ll still be awake at 5am. Or I’ll go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 11am and still feel so tired, like I hadn’t slept at all. I’ll sleep all day and still be tired. I took a nap this morning right after waking up and had the most god fucking awful dream that freaked me the fuck out and now I’m awake but I’m exhausted but I’m also wired and can’t sleep but I’m also bored but I’m also. Hghghghh

#the dream was like. in the dream I woke up from my nap I was taking and was hanging out but gradually I started to notice things that were #off about the world. about the room and about how my parents were talking. and I was like oh fuck. I don’t think I’m actually awake. #and then I woke up. except I DIDNT wake up. it was just part of the dream. but I was like okay I’m awake that was a freaky dream. and then #I got up and was doing stuff and was like wait. shit. because things were still weird. things were off the world was still wrong. #and I realized I was still asleep. #and I tried to wake up. and I woke up again WHILE STILL DREAMING. and I was like. is this a dream or is this real?? and I got up off the bed #and went into the living room and it seemed normal but then I found a cup on the table that had been left in the first dream. #it was some coraline shit. #and then I was like Christ. I’m still asleep. so I tried to wake up. and I lay there on the bed in my dream and in real life knowing I was #asleep but I couldn’t open my eyes and I couldn’t move my limbs at ALL I was fucking TRAPPED there. and I tried to call for help but my #mouth wouldn’t open. and I just lay there. asleep. paralyzed. unable to get up #and every time I managed to finally break out of that state and wake up it wasn’t ever real it was only ever in the dream. #I would finally be able to move my limbs and open my eyes but then I’d realize it wasn’t real and I was still trapped. #and it felt fucking endless. i honestly thought I’d be trapped there forever. #and I just lay there trying desperately to call for my mother calling her name over and over except I couldn’t because my voice didn’t WORK #I could only call for her in my mind. until FINALLY I woke up for fucking real. and I was so freaked out. #it was real and I was really awake but I was like. how can I be SURE. #and I’d only been asleep for like 30 minutes. and my parents weren’t even home from the gym. so I just sat there like 🫥 for the rest of the #time they were gone feeling like I’d just escaped from hell. #sO IM NOT KEEN TO GO BACK TO SLEEP RN EVEN IT IM TIRED. AS IF I EVEN COULD IF I WANTED TO LMAO. #it’ll make a good short story tho huh

[cwilbah]

i think tumblr should have an award for 50k posts that wouldve been fun to get

#<- has 51k posts and didnt realize #tobias talks #honestly if i had been posting like this my whole time on here id have like 100k i feel #but fun fact the only reason i even MAKE my own posts is bc i got into dsmp #could not tell u what switch it flicked in my brain but here i am

[arolesbianism]

Y'know there already is such a nonexistent market for oni art in general so the fact that I wanna draw more au art is killing me. Like I draw for fun and don't need notes to be happy with a piece but also I need ppl to view my art and be curious and ask questions because while I may not desperately need approval I do desperately need excuses to gush abt the things I like

#rat rambles #oni posting #Im thinking abt the rabbit au clones again #in particular the two main nails clones I love them sm theyre so silly #we have guy shaking and crying while internally actually being rly relieved and guy smiling and laughing while being plagued by the Horrors #I should probably give them nicknames but idk what would work best #but yeah the older one is the one whos chip got damaged and is stuck pumping them full of stimulants and hasnt slept in 3 months #and the younger one has been spending the past three months spending day and night at gravitas working their ass off #it wasnt until they got hit by a rly intense wave of fatigue that they were finally pushed into actually going home to rest #at which point the older one was like yo whats up I didnt expect that to actually work lol #things are initially very chaotic after that since younger nails just found out a Lot and older nails didnt rly have a plan for this #they were basically just finishing up a project a past nails clone started since they had nothing better to do #at first it was because they were hoping it could maybe disable their own malfunctioning chip but as the days turned into weeks they #swiftly realized that even if it could disable their chip its probably already far too late for that to save them #and even if the months of no sleep didnt basically instantly take them out there would still be a half broken neural chip in their brain #which likely already had caused complications that they just havent noticed because of the everything else going on #so while they still finished up the project it became a much more half hearted ordeal that they honestly werent expecting to work #but evidently it did leading to the awkward experience of explaining to someone that they're a clone #younger nails hadnt necessarily suspected anything to that degree but they had noticed that smth was off #which is part of the reason they spent so much time working in an attempt to ignore it #so the revelation actually helped somw things click into place and while it wasnt good news by any means it was kind of a relief in a way #not in the sense that now they are in active danger of dying at any time but yknow #they both die eventually ofc but yknow at least they get to be povs of sorts #I mean not much they could do to do anything abt their situation even if one of them wasnt basically doomed to slowly die already