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kawoshitting · 7 years

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it’s sad but also kind of lovely how relatable the characters in NGE can be to people

sad because the characters in NGE aren’t very happy and it would be nice if we could be happy but it’s better to have something to relate to than nothing at all (usually, this can also go downhill super fast....)

i’ve been reading through the officialevangelion asks about which characters you relate to (I sent in a couple of asks but the character limit is frustrating) and now there’s too many thoughts in my head so I’m writing them here instead

so, in order of characters that I relate the most to to the least:

Shinji

I have anxiety coming out of my ears most days and recently in music theory class I discovered how much I actually enjoy classical music. I was bullied by a family member when I was like 11 or 12 and I only just realized that this is when everything mood-wise for me went downhill (I’d previously attributed it to normal growing pains of becoming a teenager). I find it very difficult to trust people and often worry about the Me that is in other people’s minds.

My mom is basically kind of mini-Gendo except less directly self serving and more accidentally manipulative. She’s very anxious (I think the anxiety might be partially congenital although her environment definitely played a role) and whenever she gets too stressed out it ends up lashing out at my sisters or me. She’s very goal oriented so whenever I end up talking to her it’s usually only about things that need to be done, or things she needs from me. It’s not nearly as bad as Gendo is but it can be frustrating.

I’d say that my depression currently isn’t as intense as it used to be but when it was bad I would just lie around and do nothing basically. I was convinced that I had no friends and anyone who hung out with me did so out of convenience or pity (I remain to be truly un-convinced but oh well).

and then I’m pretty sure that I’m bi or at least not straight so I have that whole mess to deal with. That whole area is just a big question mark (more on this later).

I’m pretty avoidant (like I’ve been avoiding the sexuality thing for quite a while ahahahahahahahaha...), I think therapy and my natural curious nature has made me less so, but I’m still overwhelmingly avoidant of basically anything.

Kaworu

I think therapy and Lexapro (anti-anxiety, anti-depressant) made me more like Kaworu which is pretty sweet actually. I was already philosophical before therapy but in the process of trying to be less depressed I created some kind of philosophy about life.

But it did end up inadvertently also giving me some of Kaworu’s worse traits, like his disregard for his own life. I’m terrible with self care in general (in almost every respect of self care) but I’ll also help other people, often to my own expense, just so that they’ll be around me at least. It makes me happy to help people...but at the same time I end up having friends(?) who only talk to me when I’m helping them, so...welp.

I also have a very strong urge to connect with others (a very opposite urge to my depression which says, “just be forever alone”, which I suppose is just the nature of the Hedgehog’s Dilemma?) and isn’t that what the angels are trying to do? so yeah. Can’t say how successful I am on this matter though.

Qworu’s attitude toward process/progress and getting better at things is something that came about later in life but it was good that it happened (more on this later).

Asuka

I’d say that presently I’m less like Asuka, it was mostly 13/14-year old me who was like Asuka.

I’ve always been a bit confused as to why I liked Asuka a lot as a character because I can see why other people don’t like her, either because they think she’s a “bitch” or because she’s so mean/abusive to Shinji, and I’m Shinji so why the heck would I like Asuka?

I had a eureka moment where I realized that Asuka’s identity crisis about being a pilot was parallel to mine about playing the piano. That was sort of my “thing,” the thing that separated me from other people, and after I was bullied by my cousin I couldn’t focus anymore, I couldn’t focus on playing the piano or practicing, I was constantly worried about messing up whenever I did have recitals (which just made me mess up even more), and there were people who ended up being better than me at piano, or more famous throughout my middle school for their piano skills. I’d played it since I was 5 and I quit when I was 13, so I’d spent the majority of the life I knew playing the piano. It was kinda like I died when I finally was semi-forced to quit.

I’ve always had this weird thing about my mom’s attention from the time I was little, like I always felt like I didn’t get enough, so yay that happened.

I also was in my school district’s gifted and talented program, so I had this whole complex about intelligence just as Asuka does, which made me less likely to try new things for fear of getting it wrong or looking stupid. I still have a little bit of this in me, but I was able to channel most of it to being more like Qworu thank goodness. Some of it is still present in me though in the form of perfectionism.

Rei

I kind of just don’t know who I am -- I think a lot, but not about what kind of person I am, or what I like or dislike. I can’t even figure out what my sexuality is (cries). Not really sure about me being ~female~ either (I got to a women’s college which has made me feel sorta a little more female because there’s just such a wide range of “female” there but outside of that environment my gender feels kinda like an amorphous blob).

I’ve been manipulated and controlled a lot by my mom in the past so I’m not sure how to act in a lot of situations. Whenever I get anxious and/or pressured to make a decision my default answer is, “I don’t know.”

Oddly, (or ironically? fittingly?), I’ve never really known how I feel about Rei as a character.

Ritsuko

I use being a workaholic to keep myself busy and not too focused on the forever alone type of thinking. I also fill the void in my life with cats.

I also happen to be a woman (*cough not sure about that label but whatever, i’m dfab cough*) in computer science so there’s that too. Also might be a lesbian (does this label even fit for someone who doesn’t mesh with the gender binary?) but the jury’s still out on that one.

Misato

I wasn’t originally going to include her on this list but I’m glad I did.

She can’t cook for her life and even though I *maybe* could learn to cook if I wanted to or was forced to (it’s not like I’m awful I just have no interest in it), I’m such a bachelor in that I’ll just eat a bunch of crap like cheap ramen like Misato does, or I’m too lazy to heat up pizza so I eat it cold. They don’t eat pizza in NGE, but if they were to, and if they saved some for later, I’d bet Misato would eat it cold (I love cold pizza). I’m also just habitually lazy (the only reason why I’d tidy up is if friends are coming over).

And while I’m not a “slob” I’m definitely a hoarder, although I’m not intentionally (or am I?) putting on a facade of “coolness” (it often surprises people that I’m so messy because I apparently appear very organized/in control if you meet me at school or work, similarly to how Toji and Kensuke are enamored by how **cool** Misato seems and then Shinji’s like wth, she’s such a slob).

I can also get very determined to make something work despite all odds and costs.

tldr: i basically relate to all of the characters in evangelion and I think this is just sort of beautiful

#audrey thinks too much #<- apparently this is my tag for when i ramble on tumblr #i'm reluctant to tag this with any of the characters names because it's mostly with respect to my personality but #maybe later

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