#and as an acknowledgment of my own belief in myself and a way to make it so even if i get scared i can never hide the secret again and

[caraphernellie]

thank you for the venom // e.w.

summary: suffocating in a small religious town, drowning in your own misery, your own thoughts in which you were led to believe are dirty, disgraceful, unholy - where else can you turn for support other than the church? where else would you want to turn to, when ellie williams, so knowledgeable of the beliefs and teachings of the church, is there to take care of you?

a/n: oh god please don’t hate on me for this 🙏 here’s preacher!ellie. don’t come at me i have religious trauma and am also a big mcr fan so obviously. i am so nervous to post this. i cannot stress enough if this is not ur thing do not read it lmfao. closing my eyes and posting this i wrote it ages ago i dont even remember what it goes like ive been too shy to post it. part 2 where they have rough sex in the church is coming eventually when i get over being shy about that one too. bye

word count: 3.7k (i know.)

warnings: preacher!ellie , fem!reader , religious imagery/references , internalised homophobia (both e and r) , christianity/catholicism , she is so blinded by internalised homophobia , dom!ellie , oral(r!receiving) , fingering(r!receiving) , tribbing , virgin!reader but not innocent , ellie’s actually nice and has good intentions she’s just clouded by religious trauma , sinning , definitely ooc but i tried to make it as 'ellie' as possible , use of pet names : sweet girl , sweetheart , angel , good girl , cutie

“you are aware of the three hail mary devotion?”

ellie looks down at you, kneeling before her by the altar. there’s something unreadable in her gaze. though she looks utterly sympathetic.

“each day, you can seek guidance from the lord by honouring the blessed virgin mary, and you will say three hail marys. you’ll begin each day with a saying.” ellie clears her throat, her gaze unwavering. not even a blink, eyes green as ivy almost sickening you. “i do this everyday myself. ‘o my mother, preserve me this day from mortal sin.’”

“thank you, ellie.”

“you understand that i can’t speak to the lord on your behalf. i am simply the preacher, i am here to provide you comfort and guidance. and i do promise you, if you continue to repent for your sins, god will always forgive. there will always be a spot for you in heaven should you continue to do the right thing. you can acknowledge that these… thoughts… are unholy.”

perhaps there was a reason, that instead of taking yourself to confession, you sought ellie out to ask for guidance, though leaving out a crucial detail. she is the object of your thoughts.

“if it consoles you,” ellie starts, “i have struggled with thoughts of this nature too.”

and like a record screeching, you pause, looking up at the woman. and what a woman she is – black turtleneck, which doesn’t at all hide toned muscles you wish you could see. black slacks, brown boots. shoulder length, auburn hair, and a freckled complexion. she is so respected amongst the members of the parish, always living her life in the holiest of ways, and never would you have thought someone as perfect as ellie williams could have thoughts of sin.

“what?” your voice shakes, and ellie tenses for a moment. 

perhaps you could have seen this coming, how there’s often tension thick as a brick wall between the two of you. ellie’s mixed signals ever so confusing.

“sometimes these thoughts get the best of us,” ellie murmurs. she approaches you, and as you look up at her through your eyelashes, she furrows her brows, hardens her gaze. “i have asked god to help me overcome these thoughts. i have had these thoughts and feelings for a long time. yet i repent. you may never get to stop repenting for this. but showing remorse and asking the lord to forgive you is all you need to protect yourself from the devil.”

ellie williams, respected preacher. she devoted her life to the church, wanting to live a life of holiness to make up for those thoughts she couldn’t ignore.

your hands clasped together like a silent, continuous prayer to preserve your own self-control, you open your mouth to speak, when ellie cuts you off.

“i’m glad god brought us together, and caused us to cross paths. you’re a special girl.”

there’s a warm rush of blood going straight to your cheeks, a waver in your voice, and a feeling of deep appreciation pooling between your thighs. “i’m glad too. it’s very comforting… to know that i’m not the only one dealing with these kinds of thoughts. thank you for helping me, and for teaching me that i am not damned. i hope we can both find peace.”

ellie nods slowly, her gaze unfaltering as you rise to your feet. for a moment, you feel that you catch a hint of a different expression – a smirk, one that disappears within seconds. as though she puts on a facade. “we are all born into sin. what matters is that we believe, and we follow the word of god. he knows what’s best for us.”

“and he can lead us back on the right path,” you say, smoothing down your dress, a modest piece, knee length and long sleeved.

ellie is deep in thought when she mumbles her next few words. “in the meantime, i can help you with your sexuality.”

once again, a heavy silence falls over you both as the words hang in the air. ellie’s about to backtrack, when you tilt your head, and her cheeks flush red as wine.

“h– how so..?” you ask, eyeing ellie as she rubs the back of her neck. her signals constantly so mixed, you wonder how you’ve gotten this far. too far to turn back now. her sudden nervous demeanour tells you everything. ellie has her issues, and she is nothing like the perfect preacher everyone respects.

“as a preacher,” ellie says, chuckling in an awkward way, “i should be taking care of people in our town, helping them to overcome their struggles and grow their relationship with god stronger. you are part of that as well.”

and so there it is, the strict and god-fearing ellie back again.

“i’d like to invite you over to my home. to pray, and we can study scripture. i can teach you how to overcome this.” her bottom lip drawn between her teeth, there’s that nervousness again. something impure is implied, her eyes burning into your face for any trace of uncertainty, and in the case that she finds it, she’ll backtrack. “if you’re not interested, just say so.”

and at the thought of what the implications are, you find yourself nodding distractedly, gaze falling towards the crucifix hanging on the wall of the church, and you grow warm with shameful excitement. “yes, i- i can do that. is there a time that suits you, ellie?”

ellie smiles firmly, yet it doesn’t meet her eyes. as if she is having the same mental dilemma as you. “i’m glad. how about tomorrow, 7?”

“of course, i,- yes. i’ll be there. you’re just a walk down the street.”

“perfect,” ellie says, and finally that smile reaches her eyes, an almost teasing twinkle in them, a loving look that doesn’t feel the same as the love she shares with others. “wear something appropriate, alright?”

“uh-huh,” you hum, shrinking under ellie’s gaze, knees buckling.

“i’ll see you soon,” ellie murmurs, voice low. and before you turn to leave, her eyes glance over your body once more. and she doesn’t hide her expression this time. she likes what she sees.

you simply nod your goodbye. as you step down from the altar and bow to the tabernacle, you can feel her stare. you feel it as you walk all the way down the aisle of the church, late afternoon sunlight hitting the stained glass windows just right and casting red shadows over you.

✧✧✧

it’s impossible to make it through the next day. that night when you had left the church, you tried taking ellie’s advice. the hail marys, the devotion. but thoughts crept in, ellie consuming your mind in the most beautiful bittersweet memory. you couldn’t help but to picture what she could do to you, how she could worship you. and the guilt of it had you in tears only after you had came.

at 7pm, you walk down the street to ellie’s house. 

and ellie opens the door, not even a greeting slipping past her lips before she speaks. “i like that dress on you.”

and she doesn’t know it, but it eased so much of your nervousness. that you did read the situation correctly. because if you had misread the entire thing, and showed up to ellie’s home in a dress you’ve grown out of, it would have been a certainly difficult situation to navigate. ellie said to dress appropriately. and to you, that meant an older dress that hugs you tightly in the right places, leaving your body looking supple and sweet for her taking.

and should ellie discover what’s underneath the dress, she’ll see just how appropriate you decided to dress for her.

“you look beautiful,” ellie murmurs quieter this time, stepping aside to let you into her home, the brown brick house seeming so inviting at this time of night, warm candlelight lit inside. as you walk in, ellie’s eyes dip down to your exposed thighs, the dress being that short. 

“thank you,” you reply, taking a look around the house. dark wood, vintage furniture, candles, crosses everywhere. as ellie leads you to her living room, there are things you take note of that you hadn’t expected. gaming consoles, a dvd stand full of horror films. she doesn’t comment even when she sees your stare, and instead she sets you down on her couch.

“should we start?” ellie asks, a hint of a smile on her lips. “how about we start with a prayer?”

“alright,” you say with a nod, clasping your clammy hands together. ellie grins a little, and does the same, then begins to lead you both in prayer.

“lord, we know that we are sinners. please forgive us for experiencing unholy thoughts about other women, and please guide us to become more like you. please help us to watch our words and actions, and guard us against future mistakes and errors. thank you for sending your son, jesus, to die for our sins — and thank you for your forgiveness. In the name of your son jesus, we pray, amen.”

it’s like with every reminder of your faith, glancing around the room, looking at the red rosary hanging around ellie’s neck, or the bible laying on the coffee table, an insurmountable guilt builds inside you.

ellie eyes a crucifix hanging on the wall, then averts her gaze from it – she simply can’t keep her eyes from wandering to you.

“shall we study now?” ellie asks, voice husky as she reaches for the bible. “i can t–”

“ellie,” you say, eyes pleading with her. your hand meets hers, and you stop her from picking up her bible. “we both know you didn’t invite me here to study scripture.”

ellie freezes, flitting her gaze between your hands, the bible, and your eyes. she’s been caught out. perhaps nervous to make the first move, ellie had switched up again, afraid to do anything that wasn’t innocent, afraid to corrupt you. but the confirmation that you want what she wants is enough.

“no… no, you’re right. you’re not here to talk about scripture with me,” ellie mumbles, a nod accompanying it. 

“then…” you begin, fidgeting with the hem of your little dress, tilting your head at ellie with a warm face and trembling legs, white knee high stockings clinging to your calves. “we should… then we should do what you invited me here for.”

a beat.

“are you sure?” ellie asks.

“ellie, i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this,” you say, “haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. so please.”

ellie takes one look at your pleading eyes and your bottom lip between your teeth, and she knows that she’s done for.

“come,” ellie whispers, standing and taking your hand. there’s a faint look in her eyes, and everything feels light and slow as she walks you upstairs, into the bedroom.

ellie’s bedroom is similar to the rest of her house, vintage furniture and low lighting. her queen sized bed is pushed into the corner of the wall. on the nightstand lays another bible, on the wall a cross and portraits she’s drawn or painted herself. there’s a bookshelf filled with mostly religious literature and scientific books about things like astronomy and space. an acoustic guitar sits by the nightstand.

“well,” ellie murmurs, lighting a candle or two on the nightstand, flicking off the main light in the room. she stands across from you, illuminated in a warm candlelit glow. “let’s not waste any more time.”

before ellie does anything else, her hand finds the rosary around her neck. her fingers find the crucifix and she lifts it to her lips, pressing a kiss against it like a silent prayer, one last apology to the god she’s betraying. your heart skips a beat, and within no time ellie’s got a hand on the back of your head, pulling you in.

teeth clashing, hands roaming your body, ellie kisses you like it was the only thing she was made to do in life. she presses her body close to you as her tongue pushes past your soft lips. you’re not quite sure where to put your hands at first, but they settle, cupping ellie’s cheeks to bring her closer. your soft moan is muffled by ellie’s lips, her tongue invading every corner of your mouth, nothing unexplored.

ellie’s hands slide down your body, one gripping your ass over the dress and the other cupping your boob.

pulling away only to catch her breath, ellie pushes you towards the bed, laying you down on your back and climbing on top to continue kissing. she nips your bottom lip with her teeth, every act so desperate, so full of a yearning finally being fulfilled.

she stops kissing you again, this time with her hands reaching for the zipper at the back of your dress. “let’s take this off, sweet girl.”

ellie’s voice is breathless already, and she pants softly as she struggles with the zipper for a moment, her brain moving faster than her hands. she finally manages it, and lifts the dress off you.

you’re quiet, as is ellie. you had anticipated there’d be a reaction to this, the matching set you chose. white and lacy, a bra and panties that match the stockings ellie admired earlier. but nothing could have truly prepared you for ellie’s reaction.

“you are divine,” ellie murmurs, her hand roaming down to your hips. she licks her lips, unable to keep her eyes off of how the bra accentuates your breasts, or how the panties hug your waist. her body language, all too clear of how she truly feels about you, does nothing but cause you to throb inside your panties. “do you trust me?”

the question throws you off. furrowing your brows, but offering a small smile, you reply. “of course i trust you, ellie.”

the soft tone of your voice entices ellie, especially as you take her hand and guide it to your chest, letting her squeeze you through the cup of your bra.

“what a beautiful sin,” ellie whispers, leaning down and attaching her lips to your neck. she’s careful not to leave marks that would be visible, but she squeezes your breast as she kisses and licks a trail down your neck, all the way to your chest.

ellie revels in your soft mewls, the way your thread your fingers into the hair at the back of her head, and hold her against you. her hand reaches behind you, grabbing at the clasp of your bra. and ellie bites down, sucking a bruise into the soft flesh of your breast, where she knows nobody could see it. you arch your back partly in pleasure, but mostly to provide her access to the back of your bra, and ellie pulls it off in no time. her eyes widen as your tits spill out, and she swallows thickly as she watches your nipples grow firm with arousal and the exposure to the air.

ellie’s hand cups your bare tit and squeezes as she brings her face up towards you once more, needing that touch of her lips on yours. her long fingers tweak your nipple, rolling the bud around as she kisses you with a growing passion, groaning into the kiss just as you whine quietly.

ellie chuckles as your hands press into her back, pulling her closer, hugging her and hiding your face away in shame. she kisses the corner of your lips, pausing to soothe you. “shh, let me take care of you. let me worship you, sweet girl.”

you ease your grip on ellie when she says that, and she smiles at you before leaning down. you shiver, feeling the cold metal crucifix of her rosary resting down against your stomach, earning a chuckle from ellie as she wraps her lips around your nipple. she sucks for a moment, then rolls her tongue over it.

ellie’s hand lays flat over your stomach, pinning you down to stop your restless squirming. she moves her leg between yours, her knee pressing a generous amount of friction against your panties.

“h… ellie,” you whisper, “have you done this before?”

ellie looks up at you, and with a grin, she nods. “i have. a long time ago.”

“oh my goodn–” you cut yourself off with a lengthy whine, ellie beginning to suck hickeys all over your chest, from one breast to the other. she gives your other nipple the same treatment, only this time her teeth graze it lightly, and your hand on the back of her head tightens the grip on her hair. “ellie…”

“shh,” ellie hushes you, beginning to kiss down your stomach. “you’re okay.”

your incessant squirming and writhing turns ellie’s grin wider, when she cups her hand over your panties and feels the soaking mess.

“that’s beautiful,” she whispers, her fingers tugging at the waistband now, “this all f’me?”

you nod eagerly, looking down at ellie from where you lay propped up against the plush pillows. any holy thought has left your mind, and it appears to be the same for ellie, who lays between your legs with a cheshire cat smile, stripping the panties down your legs.

“so pretty,” ellie hums, grasping at your thighs and pulling them apart. “tell me, you want me to touch you here?”

a nod simply won’t be good enough this time, and you know that, clearing your throat to speak up hoarsely. “yes, yes please, el… can y– mmff-”

ellie’s fingers rub over your cunt, two fingers spreading the folds, the touch burning hot and electrifying. ellie laughs, not meanly, but sympathetically. “barely touched you yet, cutie. so wet…”

your lips turn down into a pout that makes ellie smirk, and she leans close, leaving a kiss on your throbbing clit.

“c’mon, don’t pout at me,” she whispers, another kiss following the words. “angel…”

you shudder, and then a loud moan escapes your throat as ellie’s tongue flicks out, beginning to lap at you. your body’s responsiveness leaves ellie with so much confidence. 

“ellie, ellie,” you mewl, reaching a hand towards her. “ellie, it’s so– mmm…”

ellie reaches her free hand towards you, letting you grab it and intertwine your fingers. she gives a gentle squeeze as she licks a stripe down from your clit to your entrance, then back up again.

ellie can’t get enough of you, of your saccharine taste, staring up at you with blown out pupils as she sucks and laps at you. one of her bony fingers dips into your entrance, and ellie herself groans at the feeling of you clenching around it, but the sound you make is so rewarding that she pushes her ring finger in as soon as she knows you can take another finger. her digits stroke in and out of your sopping cunt, leaving you a whimpering and whining mess.

“c’mon angel,” ellie murmurs against your pussy, “i got you, i got you. ‘s this good?”

you nod, squeezing ellie’s hand in a vice grip, hips bucking against her face eagerly. “ellieeeeuuhh, oh, oh my g–”

“don’t,” ellie warns, “don’t take the lord’s name in vain, and don’t bring him into this.”

“i– s-sorry,” you gasp out, tipping your head back, “oh, oh, ellie, i’m gettin’ close.”

“good girl,” ellie murmurs, keeping the fast rhythm of both her fingers and tongue. “gonna be good and cum f’me?”

“yea, yea,” you say in a breathy voice, more moans leaving your lips, “ohhh, mmfuck, f-fuck, ellie.”

ellie’s ruining you, reduced you to nothing but babbles and moans. you buck your hips up more, rutting fast against her face, and that’s when you hit your peak. with a shriek of ellie’s name, you cream on her fingers, covering them with your slick, allowing them to stroke in and out even quicker.

ellie rides out your orgasm, slowly pulling away when you’re finished. she peppers kisses along your shaking thighs, leaning up to catch your lips in a kiss.

“good, sweet girl?” ellie asks, kissing the top of your head. you nod – but ellie isn’t finished with you, apparent as she begins unbuckling her belt.

“mmm,” you hum, “‘s perfect.”

“alright, angel, c’mere,” ellie says, stripping down to nothing. she sits by the headboard, pulling you onto her lap, hooking a leg over you. “you’re doin’ so good, you know? think you were made to please. good at taking what you’re given.”

“only because i want it,” you say in response, which has ellie chuckling. she grips your waist, grunting when her cunt makes contact with yours. 

“good,” ellie says sternly, “because– shit.”

ellie loves how you keel over and press your nose against her neck because of the way your sensitive pussy rubs against her own. she tightens her grip on your waist, fingernails leaving little crescent moon marks in the plush skin as she begins moving you, groaning and moaning at the way your clit bumps against hers. she moves her own hips too, gasping your name.

you breathe soft whines into ellie’s neck, arms wrapped around her, hugging tight. it’s nothing but desperate now, your second orgasm approaching right in time with ellie’s.

“hnng, f-fuck, yeah, you gonna cum again?” ellie asks, squeezing your ass as you move against her. “good girl, cum, c– cum with me, cum with me s– fuck.”

ellie tenses up, hips moving fast to rub your soaking cunts together as you both cum. kissing your temple, ellie gently moves you off of her, running a hand through her damp and sweaty hair. “stay here angel, ‘m gonna clean you up, and we’ll cuddle then, okay?”

you don’t have much of a say in the matter regardless, shaking in the afterglow of ellie’s touch. she comes back moments later, looking a bit cleaner herself, carrying a wet washcloth. she begins to wipe you down, being extra careful around all of your more sensitive areas. she leaves kisses in the wake of her touch.

“you are beautiful,” ellie says in a firm tone. “the most perfect angel i’ve ever seen.”

you can only give ellie a half smile in response, and she drops the washcloth, leaning in and kissing you sweetly. 

“don’t stress, you know why? because god always forgives as long as you’re willing to repent.”

ellie climbs into bed, pulling you close with an arm around your waist. she rests her chin on top of your head, a protective hold on you.

“why don’t we say another prayer before we go to sleep?” the preacher asks, tone almost uncertain. is she convincing you, or herself? “he’ll forgive us.”

tags: @dinasvampgf @fadedin2u @machetegirl109 @eurewili @craz1er4you @divinediors @onlinelesbo @thecowardwrites

i'm still trying to sort out my tag list!! it wouldn't let me tag some people. if you wanted to be tagged but weren't pls let me know so i can fix that <3

credits: middle pic in the banner is @switchbladekillerqueen <33 this pic inspired me to write this fic!!

#ellie williams x reader #ellie williams fanfic #ellie williams fanfiction #ellie williams smut #ellie williams x reader smut #ellie williams x fem reader #ellie williams x you #⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ fanfic #tlou x reader #tlou2 x reader

[cerastes]

This is absolutely the Lack Of Reading Comprehension Website, but there's another issue I've noticed that I never see brought up, and it doesn't exist completely excised from lacking reading comprehension, but it's definitely it's own topic.

Tumblr's a Bad Faith Website as well. Like the above, it's not something exclusive to Tumblr, but it definitely defines it in my opinion. A lot of people want to be Right, and disagreements are seen by a bunch of people as something to "win" rather than something to "have". You'll have randos that frame their entire argument against you based on latching onto technicalities to try to prove why you are wrong rather than actually engage with your argument to try and propose something else or turn it around. As someone who was in a debate club during university, I call it "debate-poisoned people" who see arguments and conversations as a sport more than an interaction or, well, an actual conversation to be had, or in other words, that consider every argument as a debate to be had, when a lot of the time, it's not that deep fam, and also the other person never really agreed to play under your rules, because, here's the thing, a debate is a very specific kind of interaction. In a debate, bad faith interaction and trying to erase the very floor the other party is standing on is a valid tactic, it's part of the game. In a conversation or an argument, bad faith interaction and trying to erase the floor the other party is standing on gets you rightfully called a moron who cannot use inference or extrapolation to actually engage with the topic at hand. I had one such weirdo like a week or so ago, even, who used so many words to say absolutely nothing, that I thought I accidentally performed a digital necromantic ritual and had actually found myself face to face with the spirit of Jacques Lacan.

Even in more innocuous, non-hostile scenarios, this still applies: A lot of people are so, so eager to Be Correct On The Internet, that they'll reblog something with a correction or an opinion seemingly so hastily that they did not in fact read the entire post or comprehend it. This feeds into the lack of reading comprehension, but in my opinion, it does also have to do with seeing something that they believe they can correct, and immediately chomping at the bit to correct it without stopping for a second to ask themselves, "Did I read this right? Does this need correction?", and a lot of the time, it turns out, yes, you did not in fact need to correct it, you just had to read it a bit slower without letting your quickdraw hand get the best of you, cowboy. The way I consider this to be Bad Faith, even if it's not really hostile or confrontational, is the long-held belief that The Internet Is Inhabited By People Stupid Enough To Actually Think Or Say Something This Stupid.

I'll be real with you: Yeah, you've seen wild stories on the internet, plenty of them true, about how stupid people can be. No, they do not define the majority of people that aren't you. A wild, flabbergasting story about idiocy gets traction because it's funny and wild. We don't hear stories about how User A made a compelling argument that seemed stupid at first but then turned out that their rationale was incredibly sound as much, because that's not funny and wild and doesn't make us feel good about ourselves, because we'd never make such a stupid mistake. You aren't a sage wearing the floatie of wisdom in an ocean of idiots, no matter what your echo chamber and/or carefully curated internet space makes you think. You are not exempt from having to think about things, and you are not exempt from having to acknowledge people that know things you don't, people wiser than you are out there. This isn't "you are dumb as shit, actually", because I personally believe most people are smart, this is "you are being superficial and too eager to be Correct, which only works to your detriment in the long run and makes you a rather unlikable person".

It's as simple as engaging in good faith, even when you disagree or dislike the other party. Rip apart their arguments properly, instead of trying to disqualify them with cheap gotchas from the get go just because you want to own someone. Yes, sometimes people don't make sense, period, but that's absolutely not as common as people like to claim it happens. Inevitably, you'll run into someone that will actually call out your bullshit and there goes your entire argument. And in less intense settings, really, no one likes a pedant who really wants to be Correct on fucking Tumblr of all places.

[stuckinapril]

how do you fall in love with yourself

unlearn the idea that confidence is conceit. i see this belief imposed on women especially, that if they’re very unapologetic about loving themselves it automatically means they’re narcissistic / think they’re better than everybody else. that’s not true at all. you can love yourself while also acknowledging you’re not inherently better than anyone else. you can love yourself while also being kind & supportive to others. it’s okay to be both of these things at once.

let go of the scarcity mindset. women (everyone really, but especially women) get pitted/compared against each other all the time. you see it w female celebrities in the media, but it’s very prevalent in real life as well. this is very much years of societal conditioning & both women & men partake in this behavior. ignore it. rest easy knowing that there can be multiple beautiful women, multiple smart women, multiple funny women in any environment at any given time. there is enough clout to go around; you don’t need to feel like if there’s another pretty/smart girl it means you no longer have the space to also be a pretty/smart girl. instead operate from an abundance mindset: always (alwaysss) be happy for other girls when they succeed, when they’re praised, when they’re loved, whatever. see them not as competition but as inspiration. envy is such a colossal waste of time bc nobody else’s accomplishments have any bearing on your own!!

get to know yourself more. i love the analogy of dating yourself bc it’s true. i went through a rough period of being around my ex 24/7 to the point i didn’t even know myself, and then i spent the post-breakup year hanging around everyone else constantly to numb my thoughts. now i’m spending more time alone than ever & i’m getting to know myself so much. learning about my taste in fashion, music, everything. and i’ve had so much more time to invest in hobbies & skills, which is very instrumental to building healthy self-esteem. ofc there’s a more balanced way to do this, but make sure you’re not running away from yourself!

what do you like outside of everybody’s opinion? don’t interpret this the wrong way—it’s completely fine to be inspired. every single person you know has copied someone else to an extent. but if you find yourself going too far, not trusting yourself to make the simplest decisions, just following trends blindly and nothing else, you’ve left the inspiration territory and started crossing into plagiarism. move from a place of self-direction and really think about what is naturally appealing to you. it doesn’t matter if it’s not popular or nobody else likes it. if you like it & if it makes you happy, that’s all you need.

practice self-love! i had to do this lol but it works wonders. i started intentionally telling myself that i trust my own taste, that i trust my own choices, that if i think something’s cool it’s good enough, talking to myself kindly etc etc. eventually all this stuff will become natural to you & you won’t find yourself having to expend so much energy into simply loving you for you. don’t give up even if it’s hard to believe at times.

don’t give a fuck. seriously. just don’t give a single flying fuck what someone else has to say. there will always be That One Person who tries to tear you down, belittles you, gaslights you etc etc and if you know in your heart you’re not doing anything wrong, just ignore and keep it pushing. you can’t be everyone’s favorite person (nor should you want to be). think of your favorite celebrity. anyone ever. they probably all got subjected to hate. now think of how they’re successful still & how it didn’t take anything away from them. there you go <3

if literally everyone on this planet starts hating you, loving yourself is still the antidote. to clarify, how others perceive us does hold weight. but if legit every single person i know started hating me, and i still loved myself, i’d probably still live a full life bc my perception is all that really matters in the end. i don’t need anyone else to be my #1 fan—i can do that myself just fine. it technically is actually your world & everyone else is just living in it. so enjoy that! stop giving a hard time to the one person who will always be w you through thick and thin (yourself). eat good food & watch good shows & read good books & just have fun. i love u

#i have a lot to say ab this bc i went from being in a very low place to now being my own favorite girl in the world so #also i refer to women a couple of times here but really this is applicable to everyone!! #ask

[transjudas]

a collection of moments from the translated trial of Joan of Arc from 1431 that are fucking iconic of her:

‘And then did We forbid Jeanne, without Our permission, to leave the prison which had been assigned to her in the Castle, under pain of the crime of heresy. “I do not accept such a prohibition,” she answered; “if ever I do escape, no one shall reproach me with having broken or violated my faith, not having given my word to any one, whosoever it may be.”’

“Was he naked?” “Do you think God has not wherewithal to clothe him?”

“I have always answered that you will not drag this from my lips. Go and ask it of him.” 

“You shall not have anything more at present.” (she gave variations of this response all throughout the trial/examinations. basically if she felt that god had not given her permission to speak on a subject, she just wouldn’t. she did not seem to acknowledge the authority of those questioning and judging her at all, which makes sense. She also frequently replied “that is not your Case” which I think is basically her saying that’s not relevant to this trial so none of your business.)

“I promise to speak truth on what touches your Case; but the more you constrain me to swear, the later will I tell you.”

“Who induced you to have cited a man of the town of Toul on the question of marriage?” “I did not have him cited; it was he, on the contrary, who had me cited; and then I swore before the Judge to speak the truth. And besides, I had promised nothing to this man.”

“If it should be that I am taken to Paris, grant, I pray you, that I may have a copy of my questions and answers, so that I may lend them to those at Paris, and that I may be able to say to them: ‘Thus was I questioned at Rouen; and here are my answers : in this way, I shall not have to trouble again over so many questions.”

“Did you give, or cause to be given, money to him who took Franquet?” “I am not Master of the Mint or Treasurer of France to pay out money so.”

“Upon the oath that you have taken, tell us, how did you think to escape from the Castle of Beaulieu between two planks of wood ?” “Never was I prisoner in such a place that I would not willingly have escaped. Being in that Castle, I should have shut my keepers in the tower, if it had not been that the porter espied me and encountered me.”

“If I had leave to go in woman’s dress, I should soon put myself back in man’s dress and do what God has commanded me: I have already told you so. For nothing in the world will I swear not to arm myself and put on a man’s dress; I must obey the orders of Our Lord.”

“Do you know if Saint Catherine and Saint Margaret hate the English?” “They love what God loves: they hate what God hates.” (I know that this is all about nationalism during war but this is still hilarious to me. like goddamn, okay! Also I have to note that the examiner follows up with “does God hate the English?” and she basically says she cannot know but I want does God hate the English on a tshirt)

“I had that ring in my hand and on my finger, when I touched Saint Catherine as she appeared to me.” “What part of Saint Catherine?” “You will have no more about it.” “Did you ever kiss or embrace Saint Catherine or Saint Margaret?” “I have embraced them both.” “Did they smell good?” “It is well to know, they smelled good.” “In embracing them, did you feel any heat or any thing else?” (yo WHY is this examiner such a FREAK stop being weird my dude!!!)

“I took it of my own free will, and with no constraint: I prefer a man’s dress to a woman’s dress.” (mood)

So struck by how she really did not see those prosecuting (and persecuting) her as valid authorities and she was not subtle about it. However you see Joan and the voices she heard, she was a brave and bold and relatably snarky 19 year old telling the people who did not accept her belief nor her existence as we would likely now see as a mentally ill/psychotic young woman in society to fuck off.

#long post #joan of arc #jeanne d'arc #french history #history

[therainscene]

It’s funny that Bylers are so often accused of being delusional, because I was at my most delusional when I was anti-Byler.

I spent most of S4 refusing to acknowledge that Will had romantic feelings for Mike, despite knowing damn well what all that love triangle imagery and sad gay pining was implying. I convinced myself it was just bros before hoes drama; that perhaps Will wanted to come out to his best friend but felt nervous after six months of radio silence following “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls!”

The van scene forced me to accept that he really was in love, and it pissed me off because what was even the point of making him fall for a straight boy?

Mike’s bizarre “no homo” behaviour was clearly a symptom of growing up in a conservative 80s household, and witnessing Will’s sacrificial act of love in the van was the shitty lesson he needed to get over his homophobia.

I saw a typical straight male protagonist in an 80s coming-of-age film getting to coast his way to self-actualization on the back of queer suffering; a cruel and homophobic trope I thought we’d moved past by the year 2022.

But then the NINA reunion scene rolled around--

--and I immediately picked up on the heavy parallels between Mike and Will in how they greeted El. The realization hit me like a tonne of bricks: Mike feels the same way about her as Will does.

I thought, “wait, does this mean I was wrong about...? Oh my god. No way.

No fucking way.

Will was in love with El this whole time?? What the fuck, he’s been gay since S1 and she’s his sister this is BULLSHIT I will personally strangle the Duffers--”

Heteronormativity is a hell of a drug, kids.

Let this be a lesson to those of you who think media illiteracy is to blame for Byler denial -- how well someone understands the mechanics of storytelling is irrelevant if they insist on treating Mike’s supposed heterosexuality as an axiom instead of an evidence-based conclusion. The issue lies with bias, not literacy.

I was stubbornly anti-Byler because I knew I’d immediately fall in love with this ship if I allowed myself to have hope it could be canon, and the general state of queer rep in mainstream media meant I was all but guaranteed to get hurt if I was so stupid as to have hope. But in my desperation to cling to the “safe” heteronormative outcome, I only ended up hurting myself with my own silly assumptions.

We’ve seen both canonically gay characters in the show make exactly this mistake, needlessly hurting themselves with their silly but self-defensive assumptions about their love interests.

Stranger Things absolutely nails its depiction of the subtler ways internalized homophobia can manifest -- Will may feel like a mistake and be prone to beating himself up, but he isn’t some pitiful self-loathing queer who wishes he was straight, either. He’s just so crushed by heteronormativity that he accepts it as an inescapable fact of life and lets it guide his beliefs and actions.

Don’t get me wrong: Will, like Robin, is very sensible for being cautious in such a horrifically bigoted environment -- trying to openly defy that level of homophobia by yourself, especially when you’re young, is a bad idea.

But unlike Robin, he clearly struggles to accept that he has the right to chase his same-sex love interest. He's no longer simply exercising caution, but conforming to homophobic standards -- much in the same way I thought I was sensibly refusing to be queerbaited, when really I was just agreeing with the heteronormative status quo.

I realize now that this is the real reason Will was written into a homophobic 80s trope: not to teach Mike an outdated lesson in acceptance, but to maneuver Will into position for the lesson he’s going to learn in S5 about resisting conformity.

Will needs to learn that castrating himself to make straight people comfortable is a bad idea too. Not only is that a miserable way to live his life, but what sort of world is he leaving for the next generation of queer kids if he never questions these homophobic standards?

It’s just the cycle of abuse scaled up to the societal level.

This is what gives me confidence in Byler endgame. Queerness isn’t just an incidental element of Will’s personal arc, but suffuses the show to its very core -- it’s in its themes, its allegory, its characters.

So Will getting the boy isn’t just nice fan-service for Byler shippers, but a necessary ending if the show’s most important lesson is to land:

That it’s rewarding to make the difficult choice of standing up to bigotry in the face of forced conformity. Of choosing love.

Could it be the case that I was right the first time, and Stranger Things is going to turn out to be yet another heteronormative mainstream show that doesn’t commit to its own themes? Sure, maybe. But that wouldn’t invalidate the valuable lessons this show has already -- and apparently accidentally lol -- taught me.

Anyone who calls us deluded for hoping a mainstream show is going to have a gay pairing as its main couple just doesn’t realize -- or doesn’t care -- that they’re contributing to the very problem they’re describing.

#stranger things #byler #will byers #mike wheeler #robin buckley #my analysis

[drdemonprince]

Hi! I remember you talking about doing shadow work (in a reply to an ask, I think); do you have any advice on how to start? Especially for someone who who has a really hard time with consistency/habits? Thanks!

For me it is not an intentional practice separate from my regular life, it is an orientation toward my own most negative thoughts/impulses/reactions. I do not believe that any thought is harmful or morally wrong to have, and so when I experience a thought that is violent, cruel, bitter, pathetic, prejudicial, short-tempered, jealous, whatever else, I accept it, and study it with curiosity rather than self-condemnation.

I notice patterns over time in what I am particularly un-evolved and unenlightened about. What hang ups do I have? What weird bullshit respectability politics or traditional gender norms do I still apply to myself or to others? Who do I fuckin hate and why?

Which of these things can I just kind of shrug at and accept as a feature of my programming and which ones do I see seriously holding back my life? That's probably the hardest part of shadow work for me. I'm very aware of a lot of my flaws and the things i'm irrationally emotionally reactive to and defensive about, but I get attached to my way of seeing things. It can be scary to become more open-minded and uncertain and less spiky. And some things just aren't easy to change even if I want them to. Part of shadow work means allowing oneself to be in an unfinished state.

Another part of it for me is accepting with a dark kind of gratitude that the world would be a pretty terrible place if everyone was like me. There is so much about humanity that I do not understand. I could never be a surgeon. I could never be a good parent. I could never be a social worker. There is so much I am so bad at. Maybe this is the Narcissism and Lack of Empathy talking, but I've had to really humble myself. I used to think I was so much more rational and less of a waster of time and resources than most people around me. Now I realize I have run on self-denial and repressed emotionality for a very long time and demanded that life have some Purpose when it doesn't. So a lot of my shadow work has been acknowledging my ultimate smallness and feebleness and just general uselessness -- i have a lot to be grateful to other people for doing, but also life has no purpose that needs to be fulfilled so i can just exist and suck for every single second that i'm alive if that's what i'm gonna do.

radical acceptance shit is definitely mixed in there, and some DBT kinda strategies. I've finally arrived at a place where I can love my dissatisfaction as a core part of me and accept that life is not meant to be happy and comfortable. we always keep moving, changing our environments to make them a little better, chasing after new passions and then getting disillusioned with them, falling in and out of love, getting lost. we're always lost. we're always making mistakes and being dumb as humans. that's like what we are. silly little freaks that make up lots of pretend games for fun but then get swept up in believing them too much. i kind of feel at peace now with the fact that i'll always be messy and impulsive and have weird beliefs and will change constantly and look back on my past with a cringe reaction every four or five years. i dont expect myself to ever arrive, because what the hell would that look like?? being satisfied and happy sure sounds a lot like being dead.

[onpurposeilovehimonpurpose]

Touching Tuesday - pt2 - Strong Henry

After King James states that he's read their emails, as intrusive and terrible as that must feel, Henry doesn't recoil at the knowledge that his grandfather read the things he said to Alex. Instead, he continues to be proud and strong and the whole time, Phillip is watching them. Perhaps he realizes that by reading them, there is no way that the king can deny his feelings for Alex, and hopes that he won't ask that. And the smirk they share as they check in with one another says so much more than words could. Also, Henry moves his thumb just barely, soothingly over Alex's finger, it's just a tiny movement, but the gesture makes me swoon.

The looks on their faces after the king acknowledges their love is genuine, even if they don't need the man's validation; they're trying so hard to hold back their happiness because they know they're just beginning the battle with him. Henry is so strong to do this in front of a man who hurt him and demanded his desires stay hidden. Their hands grip one another tightly, supporting each other the way they both need at that moment.

Watching Henry's movements and Alex's with their free hands. It shows their initial reactions to the King telling Henry that his responsibility is not to his heart, but to his country. Alex's reaction is so much smaller in comparison to Henry's, but it's those fingers of his, moving just a bit, as they tend to do whenever he has feelings he's unsure of. Notice Alex swallowing around the lump that probably formed in his throat when he took in what the king was clearly wanting from Henry. An agreement to deny the accusations. Henry's posture slumps a little, and he walks his fingers across his knee and then curls that hand into a fist, holding off the emotions he feels at the unfair expectations the king is pushing on his shoulders. But their joined hands never waver, they don't move at all.

Henry reacting to the king's ridiculous idea that they need to maintain the royal image, considering doing otherwise is out of the question, that he's allowing himself to react with a defiant expression is something he never would've allowed before, he would've controlled it. But then, before he can say anything, Alex questions the king. It's so incredible to me that Alex does this, ignoring the fact that the man is king, he's just another man whose bullshit beliefs should be questioned. It's clear neither one of them at this point cares that he's a king. He's just a man who wants them to repress their feelings, and their relationship and is willing to ignore the love he sees in front of him.

Now I want to talk about the touching and what it means for Henry to no longer hold Alex's hand. This man has taken all the comfort and strength that became a little feedback loop between them, and he's like... "I'm going to stand up for myself on my own right now because Alex doesn't deserve to be considered a problem and neither do I." He says, "You think you can make me get in line by fear or guilt and expectations? You think that I'm only questioning this crap because of the man sitting beside me who I love, who you know I love, is here holding my hand through this? You're very wrong about that." And he goes back to his habit of trying to twirl his ring (even if he's not wearing it) and he situates himself so that he's not so stiff, so that he almost appears like he's relaxing and that this conversation is casual, and he's unbothered.

RED, WHITE & ROYAL BLUE (2023) dir. Matthew Lopez

Henry asks his question, and he is saying, "You don't want Alex to have a voice, but I will help him have one because I will ask the same damn thing and wait for you to give me the bullshit answer I know is coming because I've decided that I don't care what you say. I'm gonna sit back, and I'm gonna ask this question and watch you squirm as you realize that I am strong and I am my own person, and I deserve more than what you want me to have."

One of the most important / (imo needed) changes from the book to the movie was this scene right here, and I am glad that Matthew Lopez made sure to put this change in. While I do like that Catherine in the book came out of her grief to start to be there for her children, her children were younger in the book. Henry is older in the movie; he is nearing thirty years old, and though he is obviously hurt that his mother isn't around, he is also fully an adult, and I think that after all this time, HE needed to be the one to stand up for himself, for his love and his relationship. He needed to deal with this, and he had Alex's support and Bea's, but this was his moment. He gets to show who he has always been inside and gets the chance to be the man he has become because of knowing Alex and accepting his love and encouragement.

The look on his face as he asks that question tells how differently he values himself and his happiness than what we saw from him previously.

#RWRB #RWRB Movie #Red White and Royal Blue #FirstPrince #Alex X Henry #Moody Monday #Touching Tuesday #Alex Claremont-Diaz #Alexander Claremont-Diaz #Henry Fox #HRH Prince Henry #HRH Prince Henry George Edward James Hanover-Stuart Fox #Henry Fox Mountchristen Windsor #My RWRB GIFS #Nicholas Galitzine #Taylor Zakhar Perez #Strong Henry

[old-school-butch]

Age identity

I have found that racial identity is highly political concept that many people hesitate to argue around when they are making argument about gender identity. I’ve made more progress using age as a foundational argument and thought I'd share some of the parallels that can be made.

I begin with the request that my birth certificate should be amended to reflect my trans-age and not chrono-age. My reasons:

I have extreme dysphoria about growing old. It gives me panic attacks, it creates a morbid obsession about my impending mortality and I need emotional relief. I might kill myself if my aging continues. Many, many studies demonstrate that suicide rates jump in middle age. Age dysphoria a significant mental health risk. Discrimination against older people in the workforce is also systemic and significant. It hurts my employment prospects to force me to continue conforming to an oppressive and arbitrary system of temporal measurement.

I’m not alone in my views. Our movement has been ignored in order to exploit our oppression. Rates of age dysphoria among the chrono-elderly are near universal and increase with chrono-age. The vast market of botox, anti-aging creams, surgeries and other treatments are witness to the pain and suffering of age dysphoria, but we are forced to bear the costs out of our own pockets, harming every trans-age person and creating barriers to those unable to access age-euphoric treatment. It’s time that we recognize ageism and age dysphoria as the next important social movement, and you should be on the right side of history.

The mere existence of adult babies is not a fetish, but part of age identity has existed for centuries. It is a severe form of age dysphoria that is accommodated only during the extremes of chrono-age (the very young and very old), but diaper-wearing may be a source of age-euphoria at any chrono-age. Other trans-aged people might feel more comfortable in a post-toddler range, and there’s no reason to prevent them from enrolling in elementary schools or competing in those sports teams. Again, once we acknowledge that ‘age identity’ is an arbitrary measurement, you will agree that some chrono-aged 8 year olds can run faster than trans-aged 8 year olds and therefore there’s no conclusive evidence that so-called ‘adults’ differ in any systemic way from ‘children’ and that age-identity is more of a spectrum than scientific reality.

Age identity is a culturally determined construct, where in reality one day merges into the next with no clear universal progression or timeline for development. Progeria, ‘old souls’ and emotional ‘immaturity’ co-exist without regard to commonly-held age identities. Widely held beliefs like  ‘middle-age’ persist even through it’s impossible to identity without knowing your ultimate time of death. Even my doctor says I have the heart of a 30 year old . In fact, I’m more fit than many people younger than me. I’m healthier than I was at 45 now that I’ve fully recovered from cancer. Why can’t I return to the age of 39, which I feel best expresses how I feel on the inside? Sports competitions grouped by chrono-age should be inclusive of the trans-aged since there is no clear definition of the impact of age-identity on the human body.

Additionally, it should be obvious that ‘age of consent’ laws are discriminatory and not inclusive of trans-aged individuals. They should be repealed.

I’d also like to point out that trans-aged people do not all skew in a reductive temporal direction. There are many chrono-young but trans-aged people who feel they would be treated more in line with their age identity that is older than their chrono-years would imply. Again, workplace discrimination, dating discrimination and even fundamental civic rights are denied to many trans-aged individuals.

As a tiny ask, I would like to be referred to as ‘young miss’ in my interactions. That’s how I was addressed when I was chrono-young and I’d like to return to those happier days. I might kill myself if this request is ignored, so please check your age-privileged attitudes. Once age dysphoria is fully acknowledged, hate speech against the trans-aged will constitute a hate crime.

[spacexseven]

god reader telling fyodor that ranpo will beat his ass any day now i wanna make him sob and wail

quick drabble here non!!! pls excuse the poor editing im exhausted :<<

note: fyodor calls reader 'my lord'

"you have to stop pursuing the detective agency," you've practiced these words in your head, realizing the only way to gain control of your situation was by playing into the role you were assigned, taking the reins that fyodor had offered, "i will make sure that they won't stand in our way."

fyodor freezes, but not in the usual manner when you could tell it was because he was mesmerized by what he called your divine light—this was out of something akin to shock. you had never called out to him on your own accord, never spoken while he kneeled in his daily prayers, but it was fruitless to keep it that way any longer.

"if that is what you wish…" he pauses, an uneasy sensation filling the room, "forgive me, my lord, but may i know why?"

for a moment, anger flashes in you. you think of all you've lost because of his foolish beliefs and your rage boils—is this what he kept you here for, calling you a god—his god? was it only to use you as an excuse? if he truly believed in his own claims, why would you have to explain anything?

wasn't he the one who should be apologizing?

"i do not mean to question your judgement," he says, unsettled by your silence, "it's…you have never shown any interest in those who have been sacrificed for you, my lord. i was merely…curious."

for once, he sounds unsure of himself, and you feel a twisted sense of satisfaction in watching him squirm. deep down, you wonder if he's won already seeing how easily you've been taking to the role he thrust upon you.

"why should i have to explain myself to you?"

his eyes widen, though your voice was not any louder than it had been all along. maybe it was the unfamiliar tinge of anger in your tone, the way you uttered the words like it was the most obvious thing in the world—like he was the fool for daring to question you.

"forgive my foolishness," he whispers, "your humble servant is forever in need of your guidance and wisdom."

"you cannot compare to the detective," you finally say, hoping he'll finally accept your decision, "he will destroy all you've worked for if you pursue them any longer."

something akin to betrayal shines in fyodor's eyes, "…the one without an ability?"

"he does not need an ability to surpass you. all he needs is a reason," you glare at the crouched figure, "one you've already started to give with your reckless actions. leave him be. i will see to it that your actions will not hinder us any longer."

fyodor's head hangs low, lower than before, out of what you suspect is shame and distress.

"forgive me," he echoes softly, "forgive my insolence. you are all-knowing, and i only wished to be of use to you, to become someone worthy of your grace. my impertinent suggestions have burdened you. i only pray that you will show me mercy, and continue to guide your foolish servant."

he again lowers himself in whispered prayer, and you tell yourself to look away. to know that he was undeserving of even the slightest acknowledgment would serve as the greatest punishment.

#yandere bungou stray dogs #yandere bsd #yandere bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs ff #fyodor x reader #fyodor dostoyevsky x reader #god reader 🐟 #fyodor x god reader #bsd x reader #bsd x you #ask 🐟 #anon 🐟 #drabble 🐟 #bsd 🐟 #fyodor 🐟

[skaldish]

Helloooo,

I’m not sure if this would be an odd question or not so I’ll give a bit of context for it before I ask: basically I’ve wanted to try and worship/work with Loki and become Lokean for a few years, I’ve always been extremely drawn to Him and He’s the first deity I felt like I loved—I’ve been fixated on him since I was around 8 years old and it was around about then that I wanted to become a heathen, and that’s stuck with me for all these years.

The only problem is that I’ve always been a huge skeptic and I’ve been an atheist or atheist-leaning agnostic (depending on the day) for my entire life, I’ve tried several religions and having faith in multiple deities (Loki included) but every time I try I feel like I just can’t connect with any faith, I can’t believe no matter how much I want to and try to, and I just start getting anxiety around it.

Again this might sound a bit odd but I see the sorts of connections other people have with their deities and how close or happy they are and I’d really like that sort of connection as well. I know religion and faith and a connection with a deity can’t be forced but do you know if there’s any way that I can help myself find faith, and more specifically faith in Loki?

The concept of “having faith”—or unquestioningly believing in a higher power exists without any evidence to support its existence—is a Christian thing. As in, this is a feature unique to the religion of Christianity, especially the Protestant branches.

The state of “having faith” in this manner is actually a state of cognitive compromise. Protestants learn to react to feeling doubt by initiating a certain script of affirmations, which produces feelings of euphoria and drowns out the sensation.

This doesn’t actually make the doubt go away, though. All it does is block the sensation from their conscious awareness.

Doubt is an essential part of our reasoning, and it goes away with verification, not with belief. If I doubt that a wild berry is edible, no amount of “having faith” is going to verify whether it’s edible or isn’t. It’s only by gaining clarity about the nature of the berry do I satisfy my doubt, and this will happen regardless of what the nature of the berry ends of being (edible or not).

At no point should we believe in anything without a satisfactory reason.

I acknowledge Loki as a phenomenon not because I have faith in him, but because I experience him, the same way I experience the sky being blue or the phenomenon of “Autumn”. All it takes to get this experience is to ask the gods to verify themselves for you. (Granted, you’ll want to make sure they’re around to hear you first. Leaving them offerings in a companionable manner is a good way to go about this.)

This is also how I started things off for my own practice. I asked Loki for evidence, and he gave me it through a magnitude of different channels; dreams, synchronosities, physical portents, nonphysical portents, and whatever else was in his capacity to orchestrate as a non-corporeal being. It was a non-insignificant pattern of data. It made me extremely curious and I’ve been playing in this space ever since.

(My doubts still rear up, of course, but that’s because I’m anxious and get stuck doubting my own judgement.)

I would recommend taking this approach for yourself.

#answered #lokean #norse paganism #heathenry #sky treader

[onemustalwaysbecarefulofbooks]

Why I Dislike Rhysand, Part 2: #NotMyHighLord

Part 2 in the rant I have suppressed for the past several years. Rhysand Stans, be warned, this is not for you. Be prepared to see critiquing of SJM’s writing as well. Proceed at your own risk!! 

I feel like this section of the rant is going to be the one that most people have seen, heard, or expressed themselves already. I myself have seen many posts and takes on this before. There will probably be the least amount of original ideas in this post. Nonetheless, I can’t turn down an opportunity to finally say it in my own words. 

In Part 1 of my rant (and many other posts), I discussed how Sarah J Maas blatantly has an insane sort of obsession with Rhysand. It is impossible not to notice and acknowledge if you read the series from start to finish. All it takes is about 2 minutes listening to her speak about anything related to him for you to see it as well. He is unequivocally Her Favorite and she has demonstrated that by deeming him to be THE MOST of many different things, especially in comparison with others. I made a post last summer about how I really struggle to define what I think of Sarah as an author overall. She has given me some of my favorite fictional characters of all time, written scenes and exchanges between characters that I carry in my heart and soul and overall provided me with an endless amount of entertainment. On the other hand, a GLARING fault I find there to be with her is that she often writes in an extremely puzzling and contradictory way: beating us over the head with something about a character she presents as being true, verbally stated through the dialogue of characters or through the narrative of the story, while having these characters act and behave in a totally OPPOSITE way to the way they are being described by everyone. And this obviously contradictory behavior is never addressed by anyone in the story--or if it is, the ones calling attention to it are vilified and shown in a negative light, even though they are providing commentary on actions carried out canonly by these characters. 

In the simplest form, it’s like this: The author creates a character who others routinely say is the most kind, unselfish, loving, and generous person to grace the planet. An opportunity will NEVER be lost to state these things, through the narrative and through the dialogue of other characters. The fandom comes to accept these things as totally canon traits. You hear the author repeat these same beliefs. The character becomes a favorite of the fandom, who praises him/her for being so kind and selfless. You get excited to read about such a character and open the book yourself. . .only to find scene after scene where the character acts in a way that is cruel, selfish, and arrogant. All while everyone else continues to laud them for being so wonderful. There is a direct contradiction between what you’re seeing and what you’re being told. Tons and tons of readers seem to find nothing unusual about this. You’re left with the feeling that you’re in some kind of insane asylum where nothing makes sense but no one questions it. 

This is the feeling I get whenever I hear about what an amazing High Lord Rhysand is. 

As we’ve established, SJM is obsessed with Rhys. Therefore, she automatically makes Rhys the best at whatever he does. One day I’d love to do a drinking game where we take a shot every time someone reminds us that Rhys is The Most Powerful High Lord In Prythian’s History (he should really just get that phrase trademarked at this point). But in addition to that, we are also often reminded about what a good, just, fair, and progressive beloved ruler he is. 

Rhys as High King: he could think of no other male he’d trust more. No other male who would be a fairer ruler than Rhys. And with Feyre as High Queen. . .Prythian would be blessed to have such leaders. (Cassian, ACOSF, page 451) 

There are a lot of ACOTAR lines that provoke actual visceral anger and disgust in me. This is probably in my All Time Top 3.

Yeah, Rhysand is SUCH a great High Lord!! Didn’t you know. . . there are no slums in Velaris!!

There’s just, you know, female mutilation going on in the mountains!

Where to even BEGIN unloading? 

I guess I’ll begin here: One of the reasons I strongly dislike Rhysand as a character is because he’s a terrible High Lord.

(And what makes me infuriated and passionately dislike Rhysand is the fact that we are beaten over the head by what an exceptionally wonderful High Lord he is despite the glaring faults shown in the text). 

I really really fail to understand how anyone can believe any differently, when it is canonly stated that two thirds of Rhysand’s court are hellish and terrible places. Women are oppressed and mutilated, people who are brutal and cruel are basically given free reign to do as they please, there is not an ounce of respect given to their so-called true ruler. 

And Rhys, “The Most Powerful High Lord in Prythian’s History” has done. . .nothing. Nothing to truly change either of these places. 

Let’s start with Illyria. 

We all know how horrible life is for Illyrian females. They are forbidden to train, are viewed as vessels for breeding, and have their wings clipped at a young age so they can’t fly. Cassian’s mother is raped by an Illyrian warrior and then worked to death, when her body is dumped off a cliff. Azriel’s mother has her young son taken from her by the male who sired him and relies on his mercy as to when he can be released from his literal prison cell to see him. Rhys’s mother was starving herself so she wouldn't get her period, which is when her wings would have been clipped when she was saved from her fate by his father’s mating bond. Emerie and her mother are horrifically abused by her father, resulting in her mother’s death. Emerie tells Nesta and Gwyn that he would slam her head into walls, crunch her fingers in doors, and that he broke her fucking back. Like most females, her wings are clipped so she’s unable to fly. Upon her father’s death, she gains control of his store much to the displeasure of her male family members who frequently harass and threaten her about it. 

It’s plain to see that these are not randomly occurring isolated situations. Abuse can happen anywhere, with anyone, but there is CLEARLY a cultivated system of abuse and oppression among Illyrian females. Rhys tells us that he has banned the clipping of Illyrian female wings and is slowly working towards implementing changes that will allow women to have more freedom and choices. He tells Feyre that the Illyrians are “slow to change” and that it will take a long time to completely undo the way they’ve lived their lives for centuries. 

I’m sorry, I call BULLSHIT.

The attempts we’ve seen towards this so far in the story have been half-assed at best. Rhysand makes these laws but doesn’t put anything into place to actually enforce them. In ACOMAF, we get this from Devlon, the war lord who rules over the Windhaven camp:

“Another inspection? Your dog,” he jerked his chin toward Cassian, “was here just the other week. The girls are training.”

Rhysand’s strategy to prevent female wing clipping: Tell the violent sexist males with all the power in the camps that it’s banned. Send Cassian in once a week to check up on it. 

That’s it. 

Allow me to demonstrate how utterly ridiculous and contradictory this is.

In ACOMAF, we have the scene where the IC visits the Court of Nightmares (oh don’t worry, we’ll touch on this place in a bit). Right before their departure, Keir insults Feyre and calls her a whore. (Sidenote: no one should ever be called a whore and I am no way in the SLIGHTEST defending Keir but honestly, I don’t know what Rhys expected. It’s like when Rhys goes out of his way to act evil and do evil things and then everyone takes offense to people calling him evil. He dresses Feyre up in skimpy revealing clothing, has her sit on his lap on his throne, and proceeds to basically finger her in front of an entire throne room of people. It’s stated a million times that fae can sense and smell arousal, and both her and Rhys are both completely turned on by this. Feyre calls HERSELF his whore: “The High Lord’s whore. Who I’d become Under the Mountain--who the world expected me to be. The dangerous new pet that Mor’s father would now seek to feel out.” Like. . .buddy, you have her play and act the part of “The High Lord’s whore” and make a public scene in front of a man who has no respect for women, and then are enraged when he calls her a whore. What did you think he would do?? How did you think he would respond?? It’s almost like he was purposely trying to goad Kier into a reaction so he could punish him for it, honestly). 

ANYWAY. . .Keir calls Feyre a whore. And Rhys loses his shit:

Night exploded into the room.

People cried out. And when the darkness cleared, Keir was on his knees.

Rhys still lounged on the throne. His face a mask of frozen rage.

“Apologize”, Rhys said. My heart thundered at the pure command, the utter wrath.

Keir’s neck muscles strained, and sweat broke out on his lip.

“I said,” Rhys intoned with such a horrible calm, “apologize”.

The Steward groaned. And when another heartbeat paused--

Bone cracked. Keir screamed.

And I watched--I watched as his arm fractured into not tow, not three, but four different pieces, the skin going taut and loose in all the wrong spots--

Another crack. His elbow disintegrated. My stomach churned.

Keir began sobbing, the tears half from rage, judging by the hatred in his eyes as he looked at me, then Rhys. But his lip formed the words, I’m sorry.

The bones of his other arm splintered, and it was an effort not to cringe.

Rhys smiled as Keir screamed again and said to the room, “Should I kill him for it?”

No one answered.

Rhys chuckled. He said to his Steward, “When you wake up, you’re not to see a healer. If I hear that you do. . .” Another crack--Keir’s pinkie finger went saggy. The male shrieked. “If I hear that you do, I’ll carve you into pieces and bury them where no one can stand a chance of putting you together again.”

Keir’s eyes widened in true terror now. Then, as if an invisible hand had struck the consciousness from him, he collapsed to the floor.

Rhys said to no one in particular, “Dump him in his room”. 

Now. . .does this in ANY way, shape, or form seem like a man who has trouble getting people who are opposed to him to do what he wants them to do?????????

Rhys doesn’t even move off of his throne and he has Keir groveling on the floor with his arm shattered into pieces. It takes no effort whatsoever on his part. He is, after all, The Most Powerful High Lord in Prythian’s History, in case you’d forgotten. He later laments to Feyre about how ashamed he is for her to see “that side” of him. Feyre says:

“You’re my friend--and I understand that you’re High Lord. I understand that you will defend your true court, and punish threats against it.”

DO YOU SEE THE RIDICULOUSNESS AT PLAY HERE.

Sarah. You can not have it both ways. You can not have Rhys claim that he is “doing all he can” to defend the Illyrian females and protect them from the violent males in their lives and then simultaneously give us this scene. Keir hates Rhys’s guts and I’m sure would gladly not only refuse every order he gave him, but also run him through with a sword. Does it seem like any bit of this matters in this moment? 

One of the responses to this I stumbled across on Reddit literally floored me. Someone brought up this very argument, that Rhys had more power to control the situation in Illyria if he really wanted to, and I saw several people respond with: “Well, if he literally tried to control them, either through physical intimidation or mind control, then he’d be a tyrant, and that’s not who Rhys is. That’s not who he wants to be. Is that really what you’re suggesting?? You want him to be a tyrant who controls people???”

Um. . .YES???

Like. . .do these people hear what they’re saying??? Do they understand the concept of “context matters”????. Do I want Rhys to walk around flaunting his power over innocent law abiding citizens of the Night Court who are minding their own business and not hurting anybody? Obviously no. But do I want him to use his power in a meaningful way to punish people who are physically mutating and beating women to death??? Hello??? The lengths some people will go to to defend this man is incredible.

What is the POINT of Rhysand having all this power if he doesn’t use it to defend the good and the innocent??? What is the POINT of him being “tHE mOsT poWERful HiGH lORD in PryTHIAN’S hIsTorY” if he sits on his power while innocent people in his court are being abused under his watch???

Spoilers for Queen of Shadows: To me, this is like someone saying Lysandra shouldn’t slit Arobynn’s throat in his sleep because it would make her a murderer. Is that what I want??? For Lysandra to be a murderer?? Does the average person deserve to have their throat slit in their sleep?? No. But does Arobynn?? YES. 

These Illyrian males, if they are behaving in the ways we hear about in the story, DESERVE to have their asses handed to them by Rhysand! They DESERVE whatever punishment comes their way! Don’t want your arm shattered into a million pieces?? Don’t fucking mutilate and beat your wife!!! Easy as that!!

For real change to come about in the Illyrian camps, there needs to be a zero tolerance policy, with public punishment and humiliation, to send a message to everyone that this kind of thing will no longer be tolerated under any circumstances. There needs to be trustworthy people from Rhys’s court stationed there at all times to actually enforce this. I’m not saying that there wouldn't be things that slip past the enforcers, or that Rhys and the Inner Circle have the power to actually change the will and opinions of the males who do this kind of thing. They almost certainly won’t gain any respect from these males. But at the end of the day, it’s very simple. You don’t have to like it, or us, but you WILL stop partaking in this behavior. If you don’t, your consequence is going to be so severe you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it. 

One might ask, This seems pretty straightforward, why hasn’t Rhys attempted anything like this already?? If these males are willing to commit such evil deeds, why even waste his time at all with them? Who CARES if they go rogue and refuse to fight for him anymore? Could it possibly be because he needs the Illyrian soldiers as the main component of his armies? He doesn’t want to outwardly anger these war generals so strongly that they no longer cooperate or associate with him? 

So, what you’re saying is. . .Rhys turns a blind eye to female abuse in his court . .because he needs the might from these people in his armies.

If I’m wrong and you have a rebuttal, I’m all ears. But I’m not really sure what other conclusion I’m supposed to arrive at. Rhys CAN control, humiliate, and intimidate powerful people who go against him. But he’s choosing not to do it here. . .why? Because controlling and intimidating people is bad?? Even if it’s directed towards those who are killing and mutilating innocent people?? I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will. 

Honestly, I thought the reason Illyria was being left as such a mess was deliberately done, because that was what Nesta’s story and arc was going to revolve heavily around. When they announced in that teaser way back in 2018 that she was going with Cassian to train in the Illyrian mountains, I was fully convinced that that was how she was going to “find herself”, by changing the lives of the Illyrian women and empowering them. I thought she would be a major catalyst in whatever happened there. And. . .that’s not what happened. Maybe that part of the story is still yet to be told, maybe she’s saving it for Azriel’s book or something. . .who knows. For the time being, I guess it’s just there for aesthetics, so the Bat Boys can have a tragic backstory. Still, even if it DOES change in later books, I would still be left wondering why Rhys, who Sarah claims is as different from the other High Lords as humans are to fae, didn’t do something about it sooner. 

On the subject of Illyrians, let’s talk about Feyre and her shape-shifted Illyrian wings for a minute. I’m sure everyone knows what I’m going to say, and you might argue that this is a critique of Feyre’s character and not Rhys’s. I both agree and disagree with that and to explain my reasoning, we’re going to have to back up a little bit. 

I made a post a couple years ago about how Feyre’s title as High Lady holds no real weight in the ACOTAR world and is nothing more than a fancy title and a sign of respect from her husband. Which is admirable in it’s own right, but it’s not truly what all the stans make it out to be. It’s stated as canon fact in the series that the High Lord is determined by whoever this mystical force (is it supposed to be The Mother? I don’t even know) in each court chooses. It’s not a monarchy. If I don’t like my High Lord, I can’t go out and kill him and declare myself the new High Lord. The magic of the court decides who it is. That’s how you end up having people like Tamlin, who have no desire to be High Lord become one. 

Anyway, all of this means that Feyre is NOT equal in power to Rhys, no matter what title he gives her. Let’s pretend their dumb-ass suicide pact doesn’t exist and Feyre can live on if he were to die. If Rhys were to die, Feyre wouldn't continue on as the magical High Lady ruler of the Night Court, while they all just did without a High Lord. The magic would select someone else to be the High Lord, with no regard for her. Feyre is only “High Lady” because Rhys says she is. She has no magical tie to the Night Court. She is a ruler in title only.

Don’t like it? Doesn’t sound very feminist?? Yeah, I’d agree. And for some insane reason, TAMLIN is blamed for the lack of High Ladies in Prythian rather than, uh. . .the woman who created the magic system that made it this way!!! 

(Seriously, the fact that Tamlin is shit on for telling Feyre there are no High Ladies is asinine. Tamlin is not giving personal commentary, he is stating fact. Remember how shocked everyone is when the IC shows up to the High Lord’s meeting in ACOWAR and Rhys announces that Feyre is High Lady? There AREN’T any High Ladies of Prythian! But in ACOMAF, SJM has Rhys tell Feyre that there absolutely are. This is what I mean when I say SJM makes Rhys say and do completely nonsensical things simply for the sake of inflating him as a character. Logic doesn’t have to enter the conversation, if it makes him look good, that’s all that matters. Even if it directly contradicts something SHE wrote!!! It’s mind blowing, honestly). 

Wow, I got REALLY side tracked!! Anyway, you get the point: Feyre’s role as High Lady is really just a fancy title with no true magical tie behind it. But despite this, she is still Rhys’s wife, and therefore a certain level of respect is expected to be given to her. 

And if I were an Illyrian female, I’d find it REAL hard to conjure up any of that respect. 

In my opinion, SJM is guilty of not truly writing these characters with the scope that their immortality entails. Feyre is physically mature and an adult by human standards. But what constitutes an “adult” by fae standards? The IC is collectively thousands of years old. I find it hard to believe that they wouldn't have a hard time seeing someone in their early twenties as someone super young and naive. Especially if this someone wasn’t born a fae and was only transformed into one within the past couple years. 

Think about it. . .how many times have you had a conversation with someone who is older than you, maybe by generations, maybe by just several years and they’ve made comments about how young you are, or how “one day you’ll feel differently” or “one day you’ll understand”. They speak with a wisdom that they claim comes from simply existing longer and going through phases of life you haven’t reached yet. 

Now imagine somehow being over 500 years old and interacting with someone who is 21. They’d be an infant to you!! 

My point in saying this isn’t necessarily to say that I think Feysand’s relationship is creepy because he’s so much older than her. It’s really to say that, as I’ve stated, you can’t really hold Rhys and Feyre accountable in the same way as far as being high fae leaders goes. She hasn’t been alive even a fraction of the amount of time he has and she wasn’t born a fae. This isn’t her fault and I don’t think it’s something she should necessarily be disrespected for. She’s definitely smart and capable of making her own observations and decisions but at the end of the day, I don’t think you can really argue that it falls back on Rhys to help to guide and navigate her through this political life they lead. Rhys had been leading a country for 500 years by the time Feyre was shitting in diapers. Their experience is NOT the same. 

So at the end of the day, I think that Feyre’s use of Illyrian wings says as much about Rhys as it does about her. 

Imagine the pain and the anger you would feel as an Illyrian woman to see your so-called “High Lady” flaunting the wings you were born with and using them to escape to the freedom of the skies, something you had been denied of against your will. She knows nothing of the trials and tribulations you face each day, the abuse you endure. She was not born into your culture, nor does she take the time to try and help you, or get to know you, or learn about you. But she shifts the Illyrian wings onto her back and takes to the sky to do really important things like have sexual intercourse with the High Lord above the most populated city in the court, while you remain trapped on the ground. Imagine the anger you’d feel at your so-called High Lord, who allows his new wife to flutter around Velaris on perfect un-maimed wings, while claiming he wants to advocate for and protect you but does the bare minimum. 

To be clear: I most certainly hold Feyre accountable for this thoughtless decision. She is more than capable of deciding for herself what she feels is right and wrong. But as I’ve stated, I have a really hard time not also putting part of the blame on Rhys here. As I established, Feyre was not born into fae culture and she is a child compared to most of the fae living in the Night Court. Rhys, on the other hand, is over 500 years old, has Illyrian culture in his bloodline, and has been living among these people, leading them, for almost his entire life. I’d like to think he’d have the foresight to pull Feyre aside and explain to her that while she may not have initially considered it, it could be viewed as disrespectful and offensive for the Illyrian women to see her gallivanting around with Illyrian wings when most of theirs have been clipped. 

If I were an Illyrian women, I think it would be nearly impossible for me not to feel a strong bitterness towards Feyre and Rhysand. One could make the argument that Feyre is young and naive and doesn’t truly understand Illyrian culture. The same argument could NOT be said about Rhys. 

So thanks, High Lord, for flapping around shiny happy Velaris with your wife and her fake Illyrian wings, having kinky Illyrian wing sex, while doing the bare minimum to help and protect the women who were actually BORN with Illyrian wings. 

Alright, moving on from that mess, let’s touch on the Court of Nightmares. 

Now, a lot of what I have to say here is going to be the same as what I said about Illyria. But honestly, I feel like this place gets the even shorter end of the stick. 

One of the most truly bizarre things to me in the ACOTAR series is this idea that the people of Hewn City/the Court of Nightmares are somehow just all evil malicious wicked people who are happy to live sequestered in this underground kingdom. This is a super weird notion and I’m not sure at all how Sarah validates it. Especially when a character like Mor exists. You’re telling me she was the only “dreamer” born into the Court of Nightmares? No one else is suffering the way she was? I don’t get it. 

I’ve heard the argument made before that it’s quite possible that this kind of wickedness is specific only to Mor’s family. I’ve heard people say that we’ve never really seen anything in the Court of Nightmares other than the household she grew up in. So it’s actually quite plausible, people say, that the rest of the court is just a normal court, there’s no evidence to suggest that this kind of abuse is happening among the entire group of people. (They claim we are “reaching” for things to blame Rhys for). 

Yeah, NO. Sorry, that’s just a willfully stupid take. Here’s what we hear about this place from ACOMAF:

“The nobility of the Night Court fall into one of three categories: those who hated me enough that when Amarantha took over, they joined her court and later found themselves dead; those who hated me enough to try to overthrow me and faced the consequences; and those who hated me, but not enough to be stupid and have since tolerated a half-breed’s rule, especially when it so rarely interferes with their miserable lives.”

“Are they--are they the ones who live beneath the mountain?”

A nod. “In the Hewn City, yes. I gave it to them, for not being fools. They’re happy to stay there, rarely leaving, ruling themselves and being as wicked as they please, for all eternity.” 

That was the court he must have shown Amarantha when she first arrived--and its wickedness must have pleased her enough that she modeled her own after it. (pages 175-176)

Not enough to convince you? Here’s Mor explaining it in her own words:

“In the Court of Nightmares,” she went on, that voice falling soft and a bit cold once more, “females are. . .prized. Our virginity is guarded, then sold off to the highest bidder--whatever male will be of the most advantage to our families.”

‘I was born stronger than anyone in my family. Even the males. And I couldn’t hide it, because they could smell it--the same way you can smell a High Lord’s Heir before he comes to power. The power leaves a mark, an. . .echo. When I was twelve, before I bled, I  prayed it meant no male would take me as a wife, that I would escape what my elder cousins had endured: loveless, sometimes brutal, marriages.”

“But then I began bleeding a few days after I turned seventeen. And the moment my first blood came, my power awoke in full force, and even that gods-damned mountain trembled around us. But instead of being horrified, every single ruling family in the Hewn City saw me as a prize mare. Saw that power and wanted it bred into their bloodline, over and over again.”

Is everyone sufficiently convinced now? Okay great. 

And Rhys, by his own omission, allows them to “rule themselves” as a reward for not being foolish enough to challenge HIS authority.

But do they REALLY rule themselves?? Take a second and scroll back up to read the excerpt I already included where Keir calls Feyre a whore and Rhys absolutely wrecks him. Who does it seem like is really in charge here? 

I’m sorry, I get viscerally angry over this. In the Court of Nightmares scene, Keir is written 100% completely and totally as Rhysand’s groveling little bitch. He is literally nothing compared to Rhys. Rhys is total power and domination. Seriously:

He led me the few steps onto the dais--to the throne. He sat, smiling faintly at his monstrous court. He owned every inch of the throne. These people. (page 409)

Before Rhys, Keir was nothing more than a sullen child. Yet I knew Mor’s father was older. Far older. The Steward clung to power, it seemed. 

Rhys was power. (page 411) 

This entire scene honestly disgusts me and is so stupid. Rhys swaggers in and the entire throne room drops to one knee in submission. It’s told over and over that he exudes raw power that no one there can even hope to compete with. We’re told he “owns” the people, that Keir is nothing more than a child compared to him. He snaps his fingers and orders Keir to bring Feyre wine and he does it! Mor calls Rhys “Your High Lord” when speaking to Keir. Keir “grovels” when Rhys suggests that the wine he brought them is poisoned. And then the ordeal where he starts shattering bones in his arm one at a time, forbidding him from seeking any healing on pain of death, eventually knocking him out. 

SO IF THIS IS THE CASE. . .WHY. TOLERATE. KEIR. AT. ALL????????????????

If this is how easy it is to control this man, why on EARTH is he given one INCH of control in this place???? The whole scene loses its meaning entirely. . .why do they need to STEAL this orb from him?? In ACOWAR, why does Rhys need to BARGAIN with him about the use of his armies??? (at the expense of Mor’s feelings and security!!!!) Why are these people ALLOWED to treat females the way they treated Mor??!? 

There are two answers here and both of them are shitty:

Option 1) SJM just wants to write scenes to fulfill her dark!Rhys fetish. She needs the Court of Nightmares for her Rhys aesthetic. That’s where the true reason for scenes like this begin and end. She wants to write scenes where we all marvel and swoon at Rhys’s “raw power”. We don’t need logic, it has no place here. We’re supposed to ignore everything else and just swoon over Rhys, as usual. We’re not really supposed to think too hard about Keir because he’s literally just a prop that is there for the purpose of having Rhys flex his power. It’s the epitome of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. She wants all aspects of what makes Rhys sexy and doesn’t care how she makes it happen. She wants the hot, powerful, wicked High Lord we got to see in ACOTAR, but she also wants the saint she made him out to be in the rest of the series. So we’re just supposed to ignore the fact that in making it plainly obvious that he is able to control these people means that he should be able to apply this to making innocent people’s lives better down there but isn’t. 

Option 2) Rhys is deliberately allowing the wickedness and evil behavior to continue to put on a front for the rest of the world. He says that the Court of Nightmares is the version the outside world gets to see of the Night Court. It’s how Amarantha came to design her own court with it as an inspiration. It’s why everyone has such a negative view of the Night Court. Rhys is praised by the IC and pitied by much of the fandom for the “sacrifice” he makes in putting on this evil front and lets the world believe of him, in order to protect his “true” court--the Court of Dreams, the City of Starlight. I’m sorry, what sacrifice???? What is Rhys sacrificing of himself by doing this? He sits on his throne in total control and power while others grovel at his feet. I’m supposed to feel sorry for him that his reputation is being tarnished by the rest of the world seeing this while people like Mor are having nails driven into their bodies because they went against their family’s wishes regarding their virginity and marriage??? No, I’m sorry. The only people I feel sorry for are the people he is doing this on the backs of. Because the fact of the matter is: Rhys needs an evil court to put on this show for the rest of the world. And you can not have evil people without evil deeds. And you can not have evil deeds without victims. Evil people are evil because of their actions to other people. 

So Option 2 is. . .Rhys is allowing people to be abused in the Court of Nightmares and not putting a stop to it because he needs an “Evil Court” smokescreen to protect his REAL court. 

Again. . .do you see why I have such a hard time liking him???

Also, after ACOMAF the whole world knows about Velaris anyway. So there’s no need for a smokescreen evil court anymore. But has anything changed?? NOPE. 

Not only that. . .but if this is the face he puts on for the people of the Hewn City, this is who most of the people there probably believe him to truly be. If another female, or anyone else really, is in a horrible situation like Mor’s, what would make them think that Rhys is someone they could approach or reach out to for help? They're probably terrified of him! The whole situation is just so fucked up and awful. 

What’s also fucked up and awful is the fact that while all of this exists in both Illyria and the Hewn City, Rhys has a shelter/sanctuary in Velaris for abused women. Sorry, get your fake feminism out of here. You can’t stick that detail into the story and expect it to erase blatant abuse of women happening in two thirds of Rhysand’s court. . .under his watch!!!!! When he has the power to stop it!!! 

I’ve heard many people try and make the claim that Rhys is written to be contradictory in this way to prove that he is a “morally gray character” and to that, I call total bullshit. For one, allowing the blatant abuse of women when you have the power to stop it isn’t “morally gray” , its borderline irredeemable. And two, I’ve said it before. . .listen to SJM talk about Rhys. Read the ACOTAR series. This woman is so far up his butthole, I’m wondering if he somehow offered her her own riverfront mansion. She honestly believes him to be God’s gift to humanity!! 

So again, we’re back to my same age-old question: Is SJM a good writer or a bad writer?? I don’t really think it’s as simple as sticking one word on her writing to label it one way or the other. As I said, I’ve gotten immense enjoyment out of some of Sarah’s work and have been blown away by the places she takes her characters and stories. But in this case. . .it’s objectively awful. You’re giving me this character who you’re constantly telling me is good and righteous and incredible, beating me over the head with the level of worship he gets by the narrative, but then you’re making him do things that are like really blatantly terrible. And he faces NO accountability for it! Like???? You are the author??? You can control the things he does?? If you really believe that he’s that great, why don’t you just write him that way??? Why beat us over the head with how great he is, only to make him do awful things and then completely ignore them?? I’m telling you, it’s almost bizarre. . .like she’s seeing just how far she can go with what people will excuse. It's mind boggling!! 

(Honestly what’s even more mind boggling is the sheer number of people who lap this up and accept it completely. For the life of me, I can not understand how people are so blind to this stuff!) 

You can’t have it both ways, Sarah. You can’t tell us Rhys is the most powerful high lord ever born and expect me to believe that there’s nothing more he can do for Illyrian females and the “dreamers” of the Court of Nightmares. Especially when we’ve seen him demonstrate otherwise! Like I said earlier. . .if he’s not using his power for good, what is even the point of it?? 

So, to sum up: We are told over and over again how utterly powerful and incomparable Rhys is as well as what an honorable and giving High Lord he is. We see raw power displays from him where he swiftly and forcefully exerts brutal punishment on those who offend or go against him without so much as breaking a sweat. Despite this, he adopts a passive view on the Illyrians, banning wing clipping and the mistreatment of females but not doing anything to really enforce it, and continues to allow females in the Court of Nightmares to be abused and brutalized because he needs his evil Night Court aesthetic to protect the IC and Velaris. 

My Ick Factor is OFF THE CHARTS. 

And let me just end by saying….try and picture our Queen and Savior, Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn Galathynius allowing the mutilation and abuse of women in Terrasen because “change is slow to happen”….and she needed some armies. AELIN WOULD NEVER.

It is a dream of mine to see her humble Rhys.

So, yeah. . .Rhys is a terrible High Lord. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Part 3 is probably my most highly anticipated rant---we’ll call it “Let’s Talk About Tamlin”. Coming soon! 

#acotar critical #acomaf critical #sjm critical #anti rhysand #illyrians #court of nightmares #morrigan

[dreamlifebunny]

hi bunny, sorry for sending this, but I really am sad and desperate. I've been trying to save myself for years, I don't want to go into details about my situation because it's really painful to talk about, but in summary: I've been isolated at home for four years with depression and no friends, with a really bad and bad life. I can take care of myself. I entered ND dualism looking for freedom and not just desires, but I ended up finding myself in a huge mess. After reading so many posts about the loa and the ND everything is confusing and I'm in a state of “I can't do anything other than keep myself safe” and it's so painful, I know it's the ego and I'm typing as the ego, because I I can not take it anymore. I know that I can live something better and that it already exists, I really want to live a good life and not take it away from me like I tried in the past, I want to have a loving family, friends and live in peace without stressing about concepts, teachers, enlightenment and religion, without the weight of guilt for thinking on my own and having a simpler view, completely validating myself without mentally justifying myself by apologizing for being “wrong” to other bloggers. Bunny, I really want to do something good and I really want help organizing it. I'm sorry again for saying all this

I had already had an experience of being conscious when I was younger without knowing any of this and I was just a child existing, it actually happened frequently and became less and less over the years due to difficult situations. I really wanted peace and freedom to feel sure of myself and not follow any concept but my set of beliefs, but everything is so confusing, it's sad that it's difficult

Não sou uma pessoa religiosa ou espirituosa (não acredito e para mim isso não existe), simplesmente tenho um ponto de vista simples e direto sobre as coisas.

bunny, if you could help me I would be very grateful, but just saying this makes me happy and relieved, because I spent months avoiding out of paranoia that I would disappoint the non-dualist bloggers I liked because I was being inferior to them

My sweet anon, you have absolutely no reason to apologize at all and I am so happy that you messaged me. I am so grateful that you reached out; it takes a huge amount of courage to ask questions when you are afraid that the person answering is going to make you feel inferior, and I want to commend you on that and also reassure you that you are wise, intelligent, and in no way inferior to me. I am also happy that you felt a little relieved after typing your feelings out - the worst thing that we can do when we are filled with intense feelings is to bottle them up, because they have to get out somehow; I am so happy that you are talking about them, please never stop sharing how you feel and talking to others when you are frightened or sad!

I apologize for answering your ask so late, this was sent a month ago and I wanted to make sure I was in the proper headspace to give you the best response I could. I actually kept overcomplicating my answer to you and rewrote it like three times haha, so I am hoping that this response is as effective as possible. This will be broken down into three sections:

You are not inferior to anyone

Choose your own adventure - it's all okay!

Steps to regain your internal compass

Final thoughts

Let's go!

1.) You are not inferior to anyone.

First of all, I want to acknowledge the pain that you’re in. I am so sorry that you are going through such painful and difficult circumstances, you absolutely do not deserve to be going through whatever it is that you’re going through and I hope that you know this. I also very importantly want you to know that you are not inferior to anyone in any way. Not to me, not to ND bloggers, not to your neighbour, celebrities, your best friend, ANYONE. No one on planet earth is more worthy, important, or special than any other person on planet earth; all of us have an extremely important role to play simply because we exist! From the ND perspective, all of us (our egos/characters/etc.) are an extension of Self/pure consciousness, expressing itself in an infinite number of ways; if you are here as your ego, full of their quirks and preferences and problems, then that means your true Self wanted to experience your ego and love everything about them! All of us as egos are infinitely loved and chosen, because all of us were created, period. Additionally, the entire reason that we learn about spiritual practices and manifesting in the first place is to give us a deep sense of peace, love of life, and to know that absolutely anything is possible to ALL of us - not just those who are more “knowledgeable” or “more advanced.” If anyone, and I truly mean anyone, ever makes you feel unworthy, stupid, unloved, or inferior, please remember that it has absolutely no baring on your true worth. You are loveable, amazing, lovely, wise, and worthy of a good, good life, and you are doing a fantastic job. Asking questions, getting curious, and not having all of the answers does not make you inferior or stupid. It actually makes you really beautiful, because you are putting in the work to understand how to love yourself and give yourself the gift of a beautiful life! There is a really beautiful quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This is actually a really interesting quote when we look at it through a Law of Assumption lens, but that’s a whole other post that I’ll make some day! Haha.

Like I said earlier, I spent almost a month and a half trying to figure out the best way to answer your message, and today I realized that the answer was not only staring me in the face but was also INCREDIBLY simple. In fact, you’ve already answered it yourself! "I really wanted peace and freedom to feel sure of myself and not follow any concept but my (own) set of beliefs." The answer to your confusion, sweet anon, is to go within yourself, look at the beliefs that bring you peace, and abandon anything else, or in simpler words, become your own greatest teacher. Let’s explain why, and then I’ll explain how.

2.) Choose your own adventure - it's all okay!

The main difference between LOA and ND, at least from my understanding of both concepts, is that LOA finds peace and happiness through the ego (by manifesting its desires, using the ego’s preferences as a compass, living a wonderful life through the lens of a human character, etc.), and ND finds peace and happiness through transcending the ego (through pure acceptance of all circumstances as perfect, and the beautiful bliss that comes from that). When we look at it like this, ND would be considered the “true truth” of pure inner peace because it doesn’t rely on things being “good/not bad” and instead is blissful towards all experiences, which is really beautiful and freeing and is why people refer to it as the true truth. But this does not mean that LOA is incorrect or “bad” or doesn’t bring peace, it just means that we are using a spiritual practice that helps us gain feelings of peace and control and empowerment while still being attached to our ego. Of course, true "enlightenment" cannot be achieved THROUGH the ego because it is the ego that prevents this from happening in the first place haha, but that doesn't mean that we cannot experience peace and joy and happiness and love through the ego while still experiencing limitations! In my opinion, Law of Assumption is the closet thing to true peace and freedom that one can experience through the ego, with the understanding that the ego is what creates lack and sorrow. In summary, "true peace" and abandonment of all sorrow can only be achieved through getting rid of the ego, but there is nothing wrong with experiencing love and joy and peace while the ego is still there, it's just a different and fun way of living.

Does that make sense? There is nothing wrong with choosing to apply the LOA and living as your ego. It doesn't make you inferior, it is a personal choice and it's also a really fun choice, too! Yes, when you are attached to your ego you are in a constant state of wanting more and more and will have doubts, lack, and limitation, but sometimes it’s fun to have those limitations - I mean, Self CHOSE to experience Itself as a human to PUT those limitations on Itself! Experiencing life as a human with complicated emotions is a beautiful and challenging thing to do and you don’t have to feel guilty for simply wanting to feel good. The whole point of ND is that it's alllllllll good. Everything that you chose to do is fine and beautiful and loveable.

What I’m trying to say is, both concepts exist to bring feelings of pure joy and peace, even if they come from different perspectives. Eckhart Toelle, who was one of the first teachers of non-duality that I encountered, said that the human feelings of peace, joy, and love are the natural feelings of the true Self, and that when we are feeling those feelings we are connected to that true Self essence. We now know the main difference between LOA and ND, but just for a moment let’s ignore the differences and ask ourselves some important questions; why do we learn about the Law of Assumption? To find peace, to love ourselves and our lives, and to learn the truth that we are the conscious creators of our lives. Why do we learn about Non-Dualism? To find peace, to love ourselves and our lives, and to learn the truth that we are the conscious creators of our lives.

So, if all we are doing is trying to give ourselves peace and wonderful enjoyment of life, it shouldn't matter to you if someone tells you that something is the “true truth” if it's not what you're needing right now. If something brings you wonderful peace of mind and enjoyment of life, why would we allow conflicting information to challenge that peace?

THIS is the problem with over-consuming information on spirituality and manifestation, because we begin to doubt ourselves when we add more and more onto our belief system and confuse ourselves. YES, it is very important to expand our beliefs by asking ourselves questions and YES, it is the very nature of a spiritual journey to learn and grow and challenge our beliefs; I am not saying that we should not question the information that we receive. But it is also the nature of spirituality to find peace and comfort in our difficult human lives, and it is a very, very personal and unique journey to each individual person. So, how do we break out of the overconsumption cycle? We become our own best teachers.

Anon, you asked for help in organizing your belief system and to get to a place where you feel certain in yourself, and I absolutely love that idea. I will turn this into a full post later on, but in the meantime, here are some steps you can follow to reconnect with yourself:

3.) Steps to regain your internal compass.

To begin, think about and write down all of the beliefs that you currently have that bring you peace, excitement, self-love, happiness, and joyful feelings in general. These can be from your own mind, from LOA or ND teachers, from the back of cereal boxes, WHEREVER. What matters is that these are truths to you and that they bring you joy. Remember that you create the meaning in your life, so do not question whether or not these beliefs of yours are “correct.” These beliefs ARE correct, as long as they bring you peace.

Now, whenever you listen to a lecture from Edward Art on the Law of Assumption, or whenever you read excerpts from Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj on Non-Dualism, or whenever you see a post on LOA or ND from a tumblr blogger, do not blindly accept every sentence that these people say as truth. Instead, notice the sentences and words that light you up and bring you excitement and peace and understanding. Notice the lines that make you go “YES! I Get it! I finally understand it!” Notice the lines that empower you and make you feel like God. Edward Art often talks about taking one or two sentences that really feel like the "keys" to your freedom and understanding; turn those sentences over in your head try to really comprehend and feel them. These are the “true truths” that light you up and give you the empowerment and answers that you need. And obviously, whenever you have your own insights and thoughts, write them down and feel them too! You mentioned that you had the experience of being conscious when you were younger - ask your younger self what THEY would tell you is a true truth and write it down if it resonates with you!

When someone tells you something that makes you feel confused, frustrated, or disempowered, question it: what about this belief is untrue to me? Why do I feel yucky about what they said - is it because it clashes with a belief that makes me feel peaceful? Is it possible if I look at it a different way I could make it peaceful and empowering, or is the original idea very limiting in its origin? Is this belief coming from transcendence of the ego or through the ego (both are fine, but it’s important to know which one it is coming from so that you can understand its intent)? What do I need to feel peaceful right now?

Keep this collection of notes, quotes, and beliefs nearby when you need reminders of peace and empowerment, and return to them often. As you grow and learn overtime, some beliefs will change, some will become more prominent, and some you will have an even deeper understanding of later on.

This is how you build your internal compass. This is how you become your best teacher. And this is how you remove the confusion and frustration that studying multiple concepts at once can bring. I really like learning about LOA and ND at the same time now that I have a fundamental understanding of both, but it was so difficult to weave through the two truths when they come from completely different places from one another (one you must abandon your ego, and one you must dive into your ego's personal preferences). But now that I understand them both, it is easy to apply each of the concepts to different areas of my life depending on how I want to approach them. For example, when I am feeling overwhelmed and don't want to take control of my life anymore and I am getting too caught up in the difficulties my ego experiences, I return to the feeling of true bliss that my true identity is Self and simply get to watch my ego experience itself with pure bliss. When I'm having fun being my little human self and feeling all of the emotions that comes with it, I love practicing LOA and feeling fulfilled and daydreaming specific things that only my ego cares about. Both are so, so peaceful and fun, and it is through my understanding of both that I am able to relax and feel peaceful!

4.) Final thoughts.

I hope that this has brought you a little comfort and clarity, sweet anon. I know that it is a complicated journey, and a scary one at times, too. I had had full on meltdowns when I first started learning about ND and LOA at the same time, because it was so confusing and honestly angering to learn and unlearn and learn and unlearn. However, I came out of it with a huge sense of peace and understanding of my own internal compass that now gives me peace and direction, because I decided to listen to the best teacher I had - me! Your best teacher will be you, and I am certain that you will discover your own understanding and peace if you continue to practice showing up for yourself and listening to your own inner voice. It is strong and it is intelligent; do not doubt it, nurture it and listen to it!

Finally, I want to once again stress how important it is to not let anyone make you feel inferior, whether it is on your spiritual journey or in any other part of your life. You are on a very unique journey that is different from every other person's very unique journey; you are showing up to every new piece of information with a completely different background than anyone else. Please have patience with yourself and remember that there is no one on earth who has a better understanding of your own life than you. It is also important to remember that not everyone who has expert knowledge on a concept has expert teaching skills. There are some bloggers with a lot of incredible knowledge of ND and LOA on this website, but who do not have very compassionate teaching skills. To teach properly and effectively means to have patience and acceptance of your students; not everyone on this website has those skills. Do not blame yourself for being “dumb” when it is the teacher who is unable to explain concepts in a way that is understandable to you. If someone makes you feel dumb and reacts angrily to you not understanding what they are saying, question it - maybe they are the “dumb” one for not being able to put into words what you need to understand. (note: I don’t believe anyone is dumb and that is why it is in quotation marks. I also believe that there are a lot of people answering questions for free and being very generous with their time, and that is a very respectable thing and I am grateful to everyone who wants to share their knowledge with others. As always, this is a nuanced thing that I just want to offer perspective on <3)

Please take care of yourself, and know that you are a lovely and wonderful person who is deserving of the absolute best that life has to offer, anon. I am rooting for you! <3

Love,Bunny 💕

#law of assumption #non dualism #bunny's originals #i hope i handled this in a way that made sense oof 😭 it's complicated but it's worth the perseverance #love you all very much

[thatdebaterguy]

Forcing Beliefs

I saw this post here, and clearly they think what they're doing is spreading a good cause, but god they've done it so wrongly. The entire reason of wars stems from different opinions. Hamas believes Israel is some hellish creation that should be wiped off the face of the Earth, Israel thinks it has a right to exist. Saying that's a debate that actually exists genuinely blows my mind, that a country's right to be sovereign and exist peacefully is debated, because barely any Israel supporters say Palestine should be wiped out, but a scary amount of Palestine supporters call for the death of the state of Israel.

It's a debate. I believe strongly that my stance is correct based on morals, facts and evidence, but I don't deny people their right to oppose me or believe Hamas is in the right. Even if Hamas are literally terrorists, I'll let anyone debate that. Also using the 'silence is complicit' argument has never worked in history, when German's just wanting to get through their lives under the Nazi regime weren't out protesting, it doesn't mean they wanted the death of all Jews, they just didn't want to die a horrible death for voicing it. In fact, the way people push supporting Palestine is very similar to the way the nazis were, since many people who speak up and say Israel is in the right, could lose their jobs, their social status, friends, family, get told to kill themselves, just for a difference in opinion. If I was part of a certain fanbase, or even better, if I was queer, and started voicing my opinions for Israel, I'd be called a fake member of the community, a traitor, an oppressor, told to kill myself, and be isolated from that community entirely.

I can't speak for all Israel supporters, many of whom think differently to me, but if you support Palestine, I'll watch movies with you, joke with you, play games with you, go on walks with you, go to restaurants, as long as you aren't some brainwashed incredibly headstrong supporter who refuses to acknowledge any difference in opinion. If you can even just tolerate that one difference, I'll happily get along with you.

One thing they're doing though, they're linking things like supporting Palestine with supporting human rights. I had a teacher who ran the debating club I was part of who taught us the basis of logical argument. An argument can be logical without being true, and the structure went like this; IF you support human rights, AND supporting human rights makes you Pro-Palestine, therefore you MUST support Palestine. I'm a literal example of why that framework is logical, but untrue. I support human rights, innocent victims of war, victims of genocide, but not Palestine. It's a way to rope in more people to their cause, by trying to play on peoples emotions rather than logic, to make the idea of refusing to support Palestine, an alienating, racist, bigoted thing to do, which just isn't true. Don't let people bully you into having certain beliefs. Form your own logical argument that IS true and contains evidence, to base your opinions on. For example, IF genocide is defined by the purposeful extermination of people based on race, ethnicity or other categorical factors, AND you accept that definition of genocide, as it is in the dictionary, therefore you MUST accept that Israel is not committing genocide, because based on the very definition you said you believe, it simply isn't happening, and if you agreed with that definition, then still believe that Israel is committing genocide, then your opinion is illogical and factually wrong, so either you believe they aren't committing genocide or you change the definition of the word, OR try debate that Israel is attempting to wipe out all Palestinians, to which all I have to say is, IF Israel has a weapons arsenal that could wipe out Gaza in minutes, AND Israel is attempting the extermination of all Palestinians, therefore Gaza MUST currently be flattened to the ground. Which it isn't. It really isn't that hard to debunk. Don't get brainwashed.

#israel #politics #palestine #gaza #current events #hamas

[akindplace]

As frustrating as it is to not be able to change the whole world, I can change my own world.

I can change my immediate future. I can help improve my own life and the life of others, even in the smallest of ways, even if I just exist. I can practice kindness and try to be gentle. I can have a soft heart full of love and desperate to give affection and do my best to show others how much I care. I don't have to prove to anyone that does not value me (and probably never will) that I have inherit worth as a human being. Maybe they will never acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less true. I can make the world a little better just by trying to improve my surroundings a little, and even if my positive actions to the world aren't huge in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't make me worthless or powerless. I can make a change by putting myself out there, even when people who have great power don't want to believe so. Even when those close to me don't believe so.

I still know I have value in trying my best every day and I my life is never devoid of worth even when some people might think I don't have anything to "contribute". We contribute in the ways we can manage to. Your mere presence makes a difference and contributes to the world in ways you may not know, and more people care about you being alive than they tell you. Just because someone failed to give you any value doesn't mean you don't have any. Know this in your heart: your presence in the world matter just because you're alive and showing up in whatever way you can.

You don't have to prove your worth to anyone, not even yourself, you should believe in it. And it takes time to finally believe in it after so much hardship, but you can slowly build that belief, I promise. That belief is so important to shape your relationship with others, with yourself, and to finally understand that the small impact you have in the world is always, always important, even if it doesn't change the greater scheme of things, it helps you find some peace of mind to know that you're trying.

#motivational #self-acceptance #on perfectionism #on changing the world #on being human #self-worth #reassurance #validation #reminder #original writing #I can change my own world

[frogoru]

i think i've been able to stay relatively calm about my faith as of recently (i had a small freak out period a little while back about homosexuality but i've mostly gotten over it) but i keep finding myself wondering about what's going to happen to me if everything i'm continuing to indulge in is like... actually a sin. i like to cherry pick the bible and i know that's frowned upon but i don't think i could live under those kind of restrictions, and i've been doing well and content in doing so but what if?? what if.

i keep finding it difficult to call myself a christian since whenever i do it, i feel ashamed because the whole point of being one is that you're supposed to base your life around christ's teachings... which i am clearly not doing!! homosexuality is the main thing i struggle with stressing out about but lust in general is a huge one and all the other temptations that people deal with on the daily and although i limit myself a healthy amount i don't really acknowledge it as me sinning usually because i have a "this is normal" mindset but what if this is all going to contribute to me being turned away and eternally damned.

i don't think i can fully grasp the concept of being damned to hell. when i was little i was scared of going there but for a majority of my life i've been in a state of spiritual decline and now that i'm catching up on everything again i feel like the time i spent not worrying about it is all pouring onto me now and it's so!! man!! so many things in scripture don't make sense to me and i hate that they don't make sense because if i want to be a believer, then i need to... like... BELIEVE, but it's so hard. i'm so jealous of people who are easily accepting of it because I WANT THAT i want that unwavering faith. i want that sense of security. i want to be able to believe that God loves and wants what's best for me but i don't and i hate it.

i liked to imagine that the things that bother me about the bible were added in by people wanting to corrupt it but if each translation basically gets at the same thing then i'm pretty sure i'm wrong about that. i try to dance around how a large part of myself is seen as immoral and an abomination to the religion i try to put my faith in but i keep encountering instances where it's hammered into my mind and i hate it so much. i hate that something so beautiful can be seen as wrong in the eyes of an all-loving god. i don't understand how god is all-loving when he's allowed so much pain and suffering to overtake the world and i don't understand why he can't just change things himself if he's the creator of everything. that's so blasphemous to say but that belief is so hard to go by with just your faith as your guide.

it makes me so upset to know that no matter how good of a person i try to be, it just isn't enough to gain salvation on my own. i love jesus as anyone else would but the notion of having to submit and obey a set of rules in order to have eternal life and not go through an eternity of suffering after i die makes me feel odd and i wish it didn't. it feels so constraining in a bad way and i wish it didn't!! i had to read an article a while ago about how god's love is supposed to feel constraining and i was like wow this is so sick and awesome what a cool way to put it but when i actually think about how i would apply that to my life it feels... CONSTRAINING OBVIOUSLY!! because so many of my interests and things that make me human are based around sin

i'm going out of my way to continue sinning and i probably won't stop anytime soon. it's so hard. i used to be so proud and happy in my attraction to women but now it feels like such a sensitive topic that i need to keep secret or else the people i know and admire in my personal life will judge and pity me. i'm so anxious about them finding my online presence and realizing how fucking weird i am because a handful of people i know in real life regard me very positively and i'm so terrified of having that image shattered.

i'm going to continue acknowledging that god loves me despite the things i surround myself with and indulge in. i feel so pathetic talking about this kind of thing because on one hand i don't want my religious friends to know because ermmm jazzy why are you rebelling against god knowingly?? not good not good. i hate the thought of being judged for this

#cw christianity #yeah #vent thingy

[helianthus-tarot]

Hi there, do you have any tips on how to have a better 'sense of self'? Or better self image/feeling worthy? I'd like to be more at peace with myself if that makes sense lol. How do you come to terms with other' critique of you without letting it get under ur skin? (Could be how u deal personally or just general advice you have) Also my personal fave running man was ep 37 i think? It was when kwangsoo was doing a grieved dae han min guk and it makes me laugh everytime lol, or the dancing queen episode!!!

I got this ask from an anon on my second tumblr, and sent it here.

General

Know yourself. Your traits, what you think your flaws are, beliefs, behaviors, motivation. If you don't know what you believe in or what your values are, decide. Take a paper and write them down in a list.

Don't 'lie' to yourself, because if you do, and people catch on that and use it, it will hurt.

Example: Avoid telling yourself that you are pretty when you are aware that you don't fit the beauty standard and are insecure about it. This is not addressing the root problem of that self-image issue. You can understand that beauty is highly subjective but it will still be difficult to make yourself believe your own words when there's an entire system and a huge number of people out there adamantly telling you that you are not pretty. Tell yourself it's okay not to look like those people, that each part of you deserves to be loved anyway, that your body is a proof of your own history and ancestry and should be celebrated at least by you, stereotypically 'pretty' or not, desirable or not. And show this love to yourself in the form of actions, which brings us to the next point.

Self-love and acceptance.

Remember the list. Accept everything about yourself. Accept here means acknowledging it is what it is and make peace with it; your nose is big, you are not a fast learner, you think you are not worthy of love, and so on. Admit that you don't feel good about yourself, or that you have XYZ fears and insecurities.

And love yourself the way you love someone you love. Or better yet, imagine you are talking to the child version of you. That's who you are dealing with, that 6 years old child. Show compassion to traits that are harmless and let them be, stop picking them apart in your head. Have enough self-control not to sabotage yourself. Change traits that are harmful, like bad habits, fears, insecurities, but show compassion and understanding to these things first; understand why they happened, what events in your life contributed to them, accept that it's time to change, and lead your 6 year-old self with patience.

Good self-image isn't something that happens instantly and magically the moment you decide to love yourself more. Self-love is a series of actions. It's not just a feeling. So take actions. You need to keep doing it, especially when you are feeling bad.

Example: Let yourself wear that pretty dress that you know you want to wear, because you deserve good things and deserve to feel happy, whether or not you are stereotypically pretty, even if you feel like a troll trying to look pretty in the dress. This is a better way to fight; radical acceptance of yourself and determination to shower yourself with your own love regardless of what the world has to say.

Do not depend on other people to tell you who you are.

Who you are, what's good for you, what isn't good for you, what you should want, what you shouldn't want, etc. It makes you more vulnerable to their opinions. You have access to your mind and heart, other people don't. So trust your own judgement. The topic is you, you are the authority. Remember that list again.

I'm not telling you to be stubborn and think you know best in every situation. You can consider other people's perspectives, sometimes they are right and you are wrong. But always use critical thinking and assess whether or not their opinions should be considered. This teaches mental independence, mental independence will help you feel more secure with yourself and your decisions, which can make you less affected by other people's comments.

Plus people make arbitrary decisions all the time. A lot of things can affect people's decisions and judgment; their background, their preference, their bias, etc. You can't control those things. You won't be enough for everyone, not everyone will see your worth, not everyone will understand you. That is certain. The sooner you accept this reality, the sooner you stop judging yourself based on other people's opinions or based on how they act towards you, the better your life will be.

Look deeper into your insecurities.

See what needs you are missing. Fulfil those needs, don't wait for other people to do it for you because this will make you dependent on them and upset when they don't give it to you.

Example: If you feel like you don't deserve love from other people, first tell yourself you at least deserve love from yourself, and work from there. You may not be enough for other people, fine, they have the right to decide that, it's their life. But you also have the right to decide what is valuable and good enough in your life. Be enough for yourself. Act like it. Once you have gotten used to loving yourself, you will eventually allow yourself to accept love from others. You also need to look into why you feel like you don't deserve love from other people. Is it because of your looks? This means you base your worth on superficial things like looks. Dismantle the belief that supports this behavior and replace it with a belief that's better, like the above example for 'don't lie to yourself'.

How do you come to terms with others' critique of you without letting it get under your skin?

If their critique or insult is not true, not relevant, unimportant, highly subjective:

Some things just don't make sense to the point that it doesn't make me feel anything. Like someone calling me a stupid bitch.

If their critique or insult is factually true, but immature or it's about something that is out of my control:

Things I was born with/into, or things that happened to me. These things hurt, but they will hurt less if you know, accept and love yourself. Some days they don't hurt you, some days they do. Some days they hurt more, some days they hurt less. Some days you need to put more effort to wrap yourself in your own love, you may need to do it over and over and over, but some days you don't have to do much to move on. It's normal, just go through the process. The feelings will disappear eventually.

I usually ignore comments like this, but I'll search for something to hit them back with if I'm feeling particularly generous. There are two general types of shitty people, those who get emboldened by your reaction and those who back off when they become your target. Ignore the first group most of the time, unless they get particularly nasty and you can handle it if things escalate. The second group will only back off when they get hurt.

If their critique or insult is true, and it's within my control, e.g. my actions, choices, shortcomings that I can improve:

If I agree with what they say, I'll usually admit it.

Even if it's only to myself. For example, they called me dumb when I did something dumb. I mean, yeah they are right, touché. Sure, they could have been kinder, but it's true that I need to improve. It can feel shitty of course, mistakes don't taste like a five-course meal. Sometimes I let myself feel bad about it for a few days, but I eventually get over it and focus back on my life and what I can change/improve.

If what they say is factually true, but I also understand why I do what I do.

For example, they called me selfish and uncaring for hurting someone and I actually did hurt that person, so technically they were right. But I knew I had a valid reason for hurting that person, I would just take the insults. There's nothing else to do. It is what it is.

If I disagree with what they say.

This is usually related to different opinions and perspectives. It's when people arrogantly believe they are right AND they actively disturb other people's lives (or my life). Out of all things I think this one pisses me off the most lol. Especially when they act like they are superior yet I can see their psychological projection as clear as the fucking sun.

But then again there's no good solution to this besides coming back to yourself and your initial goal and what you know is true (the list). People can disagree all they want, most of the time they are not exactly tying your limbs to a pole and preventing you from doing what you want. You can argue with people until you are blue in the face, but some people still won't change their minds, especially if it gives them a position where they can look down on other people.

Keep in mind

You can't avoid pain. You can minimize the possibility of it happening, but when something hurts you, it hurts you. Feelings are things that happen, actions are things that can be controlled.

If people scream at you or humiliate you in front of other people, of course it will hurt. Being negatively affected by it does not mean you are weak or your self-esteem is fragile. It's human. What matters is whether or not you bounce back, and how fast you do it. Admit to yourself that it hurts you, that you don't deserve to be treated like that, limit contact with those people, and face the next day like you always do. Love yourself through what you experience.

Again, I know this is cliché but your best defense is your self-love and self-acceptance. If other people cannot love you, then you have to do it. Also, avoid shitty people and shitty environment as much as you can a.k.a don't spend more time than necessary in those places. No matter how strong a plant is, if you keep pouring toxic shit on it, it will wilt.

#other topics #asks #what a long ass post