#and I hate that Sundays are like I’ll either feel really depressed or I’ll be like yes time to start romanticising life

[melodygatesauthor]

Chapter 12: Black Ties, White Lace and Birthday Cake

prof!Steven Grant-Jake Lockley-Marc Spector X f!Reader

Edited by: @whatthefishh

Mood Boards - Book Cover - Masterlist

Chapter Summary:

Steven is coming back to class, and you're feeling off about the way he presents himself in class versus the evenings you spend together in his car.

Tags/Summary (these are for the ENTIRE fic):

college AU, no powers/not in MCU/no Khonshu (as a deity), talk of mental illness, Marc has DID, forbidden relationship, age gap, reader is 21y/o, Boys are 38y/o, reader attends college in America but isn't necessarily American, smut, sex, masturbation, p in v, creampies galore, reader is on birth control, dubious consent due to identity issues, ANGST, romance, fluff and smut, oral sex, falling in love, reader is not race coded, minor mentions of alcohol addiction and depression.

Word Count: 2.8k

SPECIAL WARNING - DUBIOUS CONSENT. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.

----

It took days before Marc and Jake finally broke through to Steven, and they got to him just in time. It was Sunday afternoon, and Marc was on his ninth, or maybe it was the tenth rerun of Steven’s favorite documentary on Egyptian mythology. He said it was the most accurate one he could find and the corny jokes littered throughout seemed to make him laugh. Marc was eating another bowl of Steven’s favorite cereal, hoping that something would give, when finally…he was there.

“Oh my…” Steven dropped the bowl on the floor with a thud, soy milk and cereal spilling all over the hardwood floor. He stood up from where he was seated fast, touching all over his body as though to make sure he were really there. “I’m…I’m back. What did…what happened?”

“Steven, thank god,” Marc said, sighing in relief.

Steven ran to the three piece mirror and looked at his reflections, Jake on one side and Marc on the other. He looked at himself, hair slicked back the way Marc liked it. How long had he been gone for? It was like he totally blacked out. The pain he’d felt after the breakup pushed him so far back he didn’t recall anything from the past three weeks.

“Tell me what’s happened.”

“There’s nothing to tell, you got upset and then you just…you disappeared,” Marc sounded a little choked up as he continued to feel the warmth of Steven’s return. “I’m really glad you’re back. For a minute there, I wasn’t sure–”

“Not interested in talking to you, or you,” he spat, looking over at Jake. Steven wasn’t the angry type, but if looks could kill, Marc and Jake would cease to exist on the spot. “This is all your fault. All of it. Both of you.”

“Oye, what did you expect us to do hermano?” Jake crossed his arms defensively, as though he weren’t just as guilty as Steven.

“I expected you both to leave me alone like you promised, yeah?” Steven walked away from the mirror but he could still hear them chattering while he started getting clothes together for the day.

“You kinda messed that up when you started sleeping with your student, Steven. Trust me, we don’t wanna be here either, but you left us no choice.” Marc retorted, “you think I don’t feel guilty every damn day for what we put you through? It eats away at me but that doesn’t mean I can just stand by while–”

“Enough!” Steven yelled, looking at the mirror in the bathroom as he stepped inside, “I get it, don’t worry. I’ll behave just the way you want me to yeah? I’ll live my life the way you both want me to. The way I always have.”

There was silence while Steven brushed his teeth and showered. He stepped out of the tub and glared at his reflection in passing, noticing that they were still there despite his wish that they’d disappear. He never thought the day would come that he would be able to say that he hated them, but he felt like he did. They’d ruined everything for him, and even now they were still ruining everything for him.

“Steven I–”

“No, Marc–”

“I’m sorry I know–”

“No, Marc!”

“—if you’d just let me explain I–”

“Fuckin’ HELL!” Steven said, dropping onto the bed and burying his face in his hands, “I don’t care what you say, there’s nothing to say. I’ve spent my entire life takin’ care of you, sitting back watching you and Jake do your thing.” He slumped over and started to feel the tears flow freely, “I finally found somethin’ that made me feel like I was living. Like I was real and not just an accessory to you two.”

“Buddy, you’re not just an accessory, okay? I probably wouldn’t be alive without you.” If Marc could, he’d give Steven a hug. The guilt was killing him.

Jake remained silent, as he often did, afraid to say much in this situation. He was torn, like Steven was, knowing that Marc was making perfect, and logical, sense. It didn’t change the fact that he felt the same way as Steven did though. You reminded Jake that he was alive, and that he mattered. Even if it was wrong, he knew that he was helping you through a tough time and he hoped you appreciated that much at the very least. He had a purpose because of you.

After a long bout of silence, Steven sniffled and sighed, deciding to change the subject,  

“How long has it been?” Steven finally picked his phone up off the nightstand, “it’s been…it’s been nearly three weeks.”

“Yeah, that’s why we’ve been trying so hard to get you back, the head of the history department isn’t exactly happy with a new professor who isn’t showing up to his job.” Marc sounded irritated.

Steven saw your texts…the ones where you were drunk and begging him to come back. He felt a pit in his gut before he put the phone back on the table harshly. He took a deep and shaky breath, feeling himself wanting to disappear again but he knew he couldn’t. He grabbed his chest and walked away from the phone, realizing that he’d left the mess of cereal on the floor from earlier.

“I’ll go back tomorrow. Wouldn’t want to ruin this silly little life you gave me. This meaningless, poor excuse for a life.”

“Steven that’s enough, your life isn’t meaningless, pendejo,” Jake said softly, “this is your life now, we just want to make sure you don’t make it worse than we already have.”

Jake’s words seemed to help calm Steven, despite the fact that they meant nothing. Sure, Steven’s life wasn’t meaningless, of course it wasn’t, but Jake wasn’t going to stop seeing you behind both of their backs. He was going to join Marc in keeping Steven away from you, while still seeing you on the side. He was just as much a disaster for the system as Steven was.

That night, when the other two were out, Jake fronted and picked up Steven’s phone. He had to tell you that he was coming back. He had to make sure that you didn’t say anything stupid that would ruin this little thing the two of you had going in secret.

Steven: Hey love, I’m coming back to school tomorrow. I think it’s time. Make sure not to speak to me or even come near me, alright?

Steven: Can’t even have you asking for help with class. Just pretend you don’t know me at all if you want this to continue.

----

You looked at your messages on Monday morning, shaking as you looked down at your phone. Steven was coming back to school. You didn’t know how to act. 

Normal, you thought to yourself, you have to act normal, just like he said in the text. 

But that was easier said than done. It was simple enough to dress modestly, not wearing anything that might make him, or yourself, too uncomfortable, but walking into his classroom and seeing him there for the first time in weeks made your legs feel weak. He was still so handsome, and he looked just like the Steven you remembered.

His hair was a little disheveled and his eyes were surrounded in dark circles like he hadn’t slept for days. He wore a dark blue button-down with a black tie. He still hadn’t noticed that you walked in. Even his facial expression was back to normal too, not like the man you’d been meeting with at night. It took everything inside of you not to rush to him, and tell him how much you missed him. How much you missed the real him…but you obviously couldn’t do that.

His breath caught in his throat when looked up and he saw you.

‘I can’t do this,’ he thought, ‘one of you has to–’

“Steven,” Marc started, “come on buddy, you gotta pull it together.”

Steven tried, and somehow managed to succeed. He spent most of the class looking at the whiteboard, the floor, and anything else other than you. He tugged on his collar, feeling hot, noticing the damp perspiration under his armpits. He was more nervous now than he’d ever been with you. How was he supposed to go on like this? He was positive that he wouldn’t be able to relax in his class ever again until you were out of it.

When the lecture finished, he glanced up at you for a split second on your way out. You looked back, feeling the sharp stab of his gaze through your gut. He looked so different from the man you’d been meeting in the black car late at night. His eyebrows were turned up and eyes glistening when he looked at you. He was back to the Steven you knew and loved…no…he was just the Steven you thought you knew…

You weren’t even sure if you really loved him anymore. You thought you did, despite everything that had transpired, but part of you knew this was wrong…like something was off. The sneaking around, the undeniable change in behavior, the way he hardly ever spoke to you and refused to face you when you were alone together. You were starting to get fed up with it, but you threw it all out the window when he texted you that night and the following night asking to meet up.

You were an emotional slave for him, letting him hold power over you like no other. You asked yourself what you would say to a friend if they were in that same situation. You’d tell them to cut their losses. No questions asked. Time to move on. Yet, you still found yourself in that same damn car, bent over at the hips the same way being ravaged by the same man night after night until you were a panting, wet mess in his back seat.

Tomorrow was his birthday…at least that’s what the note read on the unmarked package you received at your dorm on Wednesday night.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I’d be thrilled if you wore this for me. Meet me at the car at 11pm.

S

It was a beautiful white and lacy lingerie set. You gulped, holding it up to yourself in the mirror. It was stunning and must have cost a pretty penny, and you had to admit that it looked good on you the next night when you put it on. You bit your bottom lip, feeling your cheeks flush with excitement as they often did when you knew you were meeting up with Steven. You wondered if he was as excited to see you every time you were supposed to meet up too.

Steven, of course, had no idea that was happening when he thought he was asleep. He’d spent his birthday evening, prior to Jake meeting up with you, messily stuffing his face with a store bought cupcake while watching a bad movie on cable television. Marc made a comment about Steven getting the frosting all over his shirt, and told him to go wipe his mouth, but he ignored him.

It wasn’t abnormal these days for Steven to spend his nights looking like a zombie in front of the tv, just waiting for the time to pass by. Sometimes he even hoped Marc would take over and let him sulk, but it didn’t seem like that was going to happen. Marc was still trying to take the back seat like he’d promised he would so many times before. Steven, still slumped over, walked to Gus’ tank and gave him a few extra flakes of fish food.

“S’pose you can celebrate with me, yeah? Not like I have a girlfriend to wish me happy birthday.”

“Steven, can you stop makin’ the snide comments already? Hate to break it to you buddy, but not every birthday is going to be a big, special thing,” Marc was truly trying to stay patient with Steven, but the moping was constant, and he didn’t know how to make it stop.

“She would’ve made it special I bet.” His face contorted with sorrow at the thought of you. “Bet she would’ve done something real nice f’me.”

Steven, with heavy sobs, dressed himself for bed and crawled under the blankets. The voices in his head ceased, but they were both right there with him while he drifted off.

Jake felt horrible…worse than he’d ever felt before. There he was, sitting in the car, waiting for you to walk outside to meet with him. When would this end? He knew he couldn’t string you along forever. He also knew he couldn’t possibly continue watching Steven go through the pain of missing you while he bent you over the hood of his car in that delicate little number he’d bought for you.

How was Jake meant to end this though? How was he supposed to convince himself to stop making you whine every time he thrust between your pussy lips, stretching your hole out around him? He was starting to worry that he wouldn’t be able to end the facade. He felt addicted to you, like if this were to end he might never be the same. He needed you, and he was still holding out hope that one day he’d be able to hold you, and cherish you the way he felt deep down in his heart.

He pulled out of you, flipping you onto your back. You let out a sharp gasp in surprise when he did. Steven didn’t look at you when he fucked you, not anymore anyway. There he was though, looking down at you, cock still dripping with a combination of your juices and his precum onto the ground. He grabbed the backs of your thighs, right below the pit of your knees, and he pushed them up. Your wet cunt felt chilled in the crisp night air.

Jake lined himself up with your hole again, plunging his thick cock deep into your wet heat. There was your sweet voice again, whimpering while you adjusted to his size once more. Jake tossed his head back, still trying to avoid your gaze. It was obvious that you were suspicious of him, and he started thinking that turning you on your back was a bad idea, but he wanted to see you. It was his birthday after all, he should allow himself a little something special…right?

You leaned up, grabbing him by the tie, and pulling him close. His head snapped forward, eyes full of surprise at the sudden motion as they met with yours. You hadn’t kissed him in a while, and you missed the way he tasted, so you closed your lips over his quickly before he could pull away from you again. You noticed his movements slowed, hips rolling at a more lazy pace while you stole the gravelly moans from his lips. His pleasured sounds were almost like a growl while he kissed you.

He rutted forward, any regrets he had about flipping you over, or for being there in the first place, dissipated with every pass of your tongue over his. You reached up your hand from his tie and carded your fingers through his curls. His mouth got stuck open, hot breath punching into you while his hips started moving faster again until suddenly they stopped.

Steven’s moans echoed off the trees that kept you both hidden from the street. You felt his cock gushing his hot spend into you, making you feel full of him once more. You kept your mouth on his while you came too, coating his tongue in your sounds while your cunt clamped down over him in waves. To your surprise, he didn’t let go right away to cover himself up with his hat and high collar jacket. Instead he stayed in the embrace, kissing you long after both of your orgasms ended.

Jake decided at that moment that he loved you, of that much he was certain. It was the only explanation for this feeling that he couldn’t shake. He wished he didn’t. He wished that he could just walk away from this and let Steven heal without the residual memories that Marc had mistaken for dreams. He couldn’t though, because while holding you there when he pulled back and looked into your breathtaking eyes, he knew that he couldn’t imagine living a day of his life without you.

----

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Moon Knight Masterlist

#steven grant #steven grant fiction #steven grant headcanon #steven grant fic #steven grant fanfiction #steven grant fluff #jake lockley #jake lockley x reader #jake lockley x you #jake lockley fiction #jake lockley headcanon #jake lockley fanfiction #marc spector fiction #marc spector headcanon #marc spector x reader #marc spector x you #marc spector #marc spector fanfiction #moon #knight #moon knight drabble #moon knight smut #moon knight fanfiction #moon knight fic #moon knight #jake lockley smut #steven grant smut #marc spector smut #prof!Steven Grant #college au

[missmartin]

Your spinning me around

(1998) Matt Stone x Black!Assistant Reader

Pt.4/You and Matt talk! Way to go bitch! Talk to the white boy!

“Nice flowers” Matt says as her enters the building after quickly running up to your collapsing desk. “Whatever do you mean Sir?” You tilt your head still looking down at a piece of paper.

“Seriously? You don’t have pretend like they weren’t sent by you.” He was right you didn’t, it was obvious it was you. But god were you totally used to it. Deny deny deny.

“Stone these are for you?” (a random ass person) in the office said putting down a huge vase of flowers on Matt’s desk “what from who!” he takes a looks moving out of his relaxed position, at the huge tag hanging off one of them.

Sorry for Sunday. It reads.

Let’s just be honest, it was written in your hand writing, writing in the same two note conversation that you spoke to him with and I mean come on. Who else did he see that Sunday? Besides Trey.

“Well..?” “your welcome.” You went back to working. Feeling anxious too… what if he considers it as flirting? Or even worse still hates you… or hated you in general now.

“Hey look it was a nice gesture okay? I feel bad too you know, the last thing I expected was you to apologize” he explains, you look at him “well I have to put those gift giving skills to work somehow?” You say clearly being sarcastic, I mean you both knew at this point there’s not one person in the next ten years in his career he’d ask for you to give a gift too. Besides himself

“I see what you did there” he stuffs his hands in his pockets “fine okay, I’ll go” he pouts a bit sweeping his body to the left. Really? He said the word “go” and he’s leaving in less than 5 minutes. This was completely out of the ordinary.

Uh.. well this is what you were taking about right? Trying to reform about you know… being a cold ass bitch. Also maybe… a part of you itched for this, picking out the right flowers maybe you even… waited for him to swing those doors open and thank you? “Wait, yo-you don’t have to leave Stone”

He looks back at you and smiles “we can’t stay here then.” You look at him concerned but amused, “what do you mean I’m working” “your on my clock missy, we can take like 10.. I mean 20 minutes” he was right yet so wrong. Yeah he was your boss, but also! The people in the building would find something wrong with you leaving!

“I don’t…” don’t what? I mean can’t be that bad right? You said he didn’t have to leave… well it was more like, you didn’t want him to leave “want to be here either, I can take a break early” he respond standing up your legs a little numb from sitting for so long, and standing up to early.

“Good, this place is always so depressing” he says leading the two of you out. You think? They give you a 5 dollar desk in a room with five other people and one window. I mean you were lucky 3 of them moved out when you moved in.

“Where are you taking me?” “No where I mean…” he pauses your walking in the middle of the hallway, “where would you like to go?” “Nothing to far.” He looks around “what about a walk?” “Sounds good” he scoffs and opens the door the sun hitting your eyes “you first”

You’d had admit but right now walking with him yeah… It was nice… nicer than you expected. It’s only been 5 minutes but you wanted to stay here for a while, with him that is. “Really your cartoon sounds awful” you said, responding to the facts he was telling you about the new episode. “You think?” You smile a bit… he’s so god damn sarcastic

“So you guys write things like that all the time?” He nods and snaps his fingers “sure do assistant” “you must be so busy then…” your cross your arms pausing in the shade. He backs up and moves closer to you both of you standing side by side. “Not really”

“Not really?” Your look up at him a tiny confused look on your face “yeah… well it’s not hard hard you know?” What the hell did he need you for then! Well… you kinda needed him anyways. “Oh..” “oh?” He looks down at you.

Yes ‘oh’ damn it… I mean, what were you supposed to say? ‘What do you need me for?’ sounds plan rude. “Oh” you shrug. He chuckles softly and backs away. “Wanna sit and talk? Can’t stay on the side walk forever” you nod and follow him… like a pet almost. Nah you are not no fucking pet.

“Okay then I’m curious,” he sits down across from you at a bench. “Why don’t you talk?” There he goes picking on you again, you let out a painful sigh and tap a finger on your knee “just things… I don’t know how to explain it” maybe because be was your white ass boss. “Go for it.” How about no?

“Uh is it okay if I say no thank you?” “Why are you asking me? I’m not your master” you wanted to slap him for that ‘master’ comment… but your also sure he didn’t have those kind of intentions. “Well you are my boss” he wraps his arm on the bench and leans down to you

“How about not right now… think of me as any white guy” you laugh lightly and cover your bottom lip with a finger, looking to your side at him. Seriously? White guy was a unique way to put it. “Tell me about yourself come on! Why were you wearing that towel on your head?”

You laugh again, what a god damn comedian! Like he didn’t (basically) have the same hair type as you. “Seriously? It was wash day…” you smile softly looking back at the distance “wash day?” He takes a strand of your hair. “For this?” No… You mean “no for… what’s under it…”

He clicks his tongue and grows a smug look on his face. You should’ve know he’d take pride in you telling him that. “Under it? Do you admit it’s fake?” You turn to look at him “only if you admit yours is fake” you gasp slightly surprised at what you said,“I’m sorry I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

“No no it’s okay… coming from you I guess that means I’m doing a good job” you shrug a little and lean back again “what do you use?” “Huh? For my hair? Water.. a brush..?” You look at him funny.

Did this boy really just say… water? “Water? Ain’t no way” “Ain’t yes way!” You roll your eyes at his attempt to talk like you, “ah was that an eye-roll?” He points at you and tilts his head “no! I mean… did you see it?”

“I think it was cute” cute… hm… cute? That was a compliment he’s totally complimenting you. “Ah.. thanks I guess” you take a few starches at your neck… he thinks it was cute? I mean out of all things cute? You mean… you’ve never been called cute before… especially from a boy like him.

“I think we could match.” You look up at him lowering your hand. “Match what?” “Hair” he puts his head next to yours… you face heats up even more, your heart dropping to your stomach. You felt… fluttery, like is this like Cinderella?

“You think so?” He asks

#matt stone x reader #matt stone x you #baseketball x reader #x black fem reader #for the sistas #matt stone x female reader

[twistedtummies2]

It Finally Happened.

So, starting on Sunday, I started feeling ill: MAJOR congestion, a mild headache, and eventually a fever. On Tuesday, after working on a commission for a few hours, I basically went straight to bed and promptly slept for almost 16 hours straight. After that, I felt better, but still ill; as I type this, I'm still very stuffed up, and the headache is still present. As it turns out, my parents were feeling ill with similar symptoms. Now, all three of us were pretty sure this was just severe allergies, for a lot of reasons...but my brother was getting worried, so he very wisely decided to buy us a proverbial butt-ton of Covid home tests, and then immediately took one upon returning home. He tested positive, so the rest of us had to take them...and all of us tested positive. Myself included. Yes. I have The Rona. Now, before you all panic, I think I'm going to be okay: like I said, I've been improving, health-wise. I'm not at 100%, but the fever appears to be gone entirely, and I'm nowhere near "take a 16 hour long nap" levels of ill. Plus, when I took the test, the line was VERY faint, which could mean either a false positive or a sure sign that I am, indeed, in the waning stages of the virus. So I think I'll be fine. More than anything, right now, I'm sad and angry (starting to border on mildly depressed), because this means it's very, VERY likely I'll be spending Christmas cooped up at my house with practically nothing to do. And THAT wouldn't be SO bad, except that I have a friend who has no one to spend the holidays with. We invited him to Christmas dinner at my grandparents'...but since we won't be going, and can't pick him up (the poor fellow has to carpool with my family for this), the chances are he won't be either. If there's one thing I hate more than spending Christmas in quarantine, it's knowing that my friend has to spend it all alone. That really, really makes me sad. So...yeah. Physically, it's okay, I'm pretty sure I'll be alright. I'll keep my closer friends posted on updates, and as soon as I test negative, I'll let everybody know. I'm also fairly sure that I'll be okay by the time I need to return to the theatre for the play I'm in. (On that note, the ankle is GREATLY improved, too.) The real damage is emotional, so to speak. ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE: I have only a few commissions from November left to complete. I will be resuming work on those after Christmas, although I can't say exactly which day of the week yet. Also, I will be posting a journal sometime between tomorrow and Monday with the updates and changes that will be in place for commissions thiscoming new year. But having said that...I think this guy sums up my basic emotional state at the moment...

#update #random post #sick for christmas #christmas in quarantine #it's moments like these where my inner scrooge comes out #bah humbug #i actually played scrooge once #one of my favorite roles #right about now i feel i could do so again easily #you know #once i stop coughing #bahhhhh #humbug #grumble grumble #snarl snarl

[rare-blog-enteries]

Beauty and Hatred sitting in a tree / K I S S I N G

Date: 4 September 2022

My partner in literature @pagesandproses

Sometimes I wonder if I drink moonlight. True love is often described as intoxicating. And I often find myself inebriated afterwards...as I am right now, perhaps that is why I find myself overwhelmed and yet somewhere deep down….very very very deep down, a little happy.

Thanks for all the encouragement in your previous email. I can’t begin to tell you how comforting it was.

I find myself being full of hate today. I doubt the reasons for it will be comfortable for you to read. I’d rather not burden anyone with it. However, I do not wish for that to be reflected in this email. So, here are random things I find beautiful. I will express the strength of my anger and hate through beauty. So here’s me channelling my inner Van Gogh.

As Ali Smith wrote once,’It was a Sunday in September. There would only be four.’ A simple line but it made me emotional. Perhaps it is just the emotions and hormones in me. Perhaps it is the moonlight. Perhaps I am mad. Perhaps it is just a beautiful line.

I was walking today to a really beautiful and somewhat wild park. It is very close to our hostel so we often walk there before dinner to either idle around (as we did today) or walk as fast as we can and call it ‘exercise’. While walking towards the park, I saw the sky and the brightness. I love when the street lights are not the usual white kind. When they shine that deep cadmium yellow glow into the concrete streets…oof. It just overwhelms me. It is one of those subtle moments of admiration; admiration of the world, of the concept of beauty, of the realisation that maybe humanity has not fucked everything up. So insignificant, but honestly these were the exact thoughts swirling in my brain as I walked to the playground.

Van gogh. People say that his work reflects the beauty in pain. He was hurt and yet he beautified life. He reflected the world he saw in his depressed state. I would beg to differ. I read that he was not allowed to enter his studio when he had his depressive/self-harm episodes because he’d try to consume the paint, which in those times contained toxic metals. So, he could only create art when he was trying to recover. He does not reflect pain, he reflects the desperation to get better; to regain the right to find peace in art, which was stolen everytime he got worse and to recover enough to fight the world that stood against him in every step. I find that beautiful.

And the horizon. I also love when the sky is deep blue and the horizon is just like nah man, I feel pink today. It reminds me of when I first read about Persephone on Tumblr, badass queen of the underworld and the pretty goddess of flowers. The range! This is how I calm myself down when I find myself contradicting my thoughts. If the sky, vast, immaculate and powerful can choose to be so unique and express so much at once then perhaps I will be okay too. I'm only me. Nothing more. So if the sky gets away with it then so can I. Now I just have to wait for someone to find my shades as pretty as I find the sky to be.

Sometimes I am materialistic, sometimes I wish to run away with nothing but strength to survive. And that’s okay.

I’ll be okay.

Perhaps.

Your messed up weirdo

Misty

#penpal #penpals #writers #writers trying their best

[marieskey]

I quit therapy. It was becoming a waste of time and She wanted to focus on me OCD. She felt like I go through depression and anxiety because I’m OCD and I just don’t know about that. I went to Dreamville with Shekiah again.  I think we’re growing apart. We’re too different people and I don’t think we want the same things. I’m moving towards waking up early and she doesn’t want to get out of bed until 4 pm and she likes being late everywhere. It is just not for me.  Dreamville was fun I did things I’ve never done before with people I’ll never met again. It was dangerous LOL . 

I did not have sex last month and I might not have sex this month either. My period is about to come and I forgot how nice it was not worrying if I was pregnant. I did buy the birth control but idk if I’m going to take it. I like not taking the pill, and implant is not for me. Neither is an IUD maybe the shot but IDK. I  have been I don’t want to have a kid but I wouldn’t die if I had one. I’d be more embarrassed to say I had one with Jeff than having one. Why are we having sex with someone we’d be embarrassed about people finding out? IDK IDK. He pissed me off not texting me back Sunday until I was out of the area. I was so fucking hot this weekend. I wanted to fuck while I felt hot. It was definitely and EGO thing but still. I wanted to be like this is who you fuck, and she’s fine af. In a lot of cases it was redundant because he always telling me I’m sexy, but when he said it this time, I wanted to be like duh nigga, don’t you forget it or some shit like that. Hurt me feelings I was unable to have those thoughts.

I spend too much time thinking about that nigga. It is lowkey time to let that to go, but I don’t know that I want to yet. It works, for right now. It could work that way for years tho. It is mostly convenient, when he answers the phone. I hate worrying about people texting me back. I really do, bc it is not that deep but it is. I think what I’m saying is, I still like this nigga and I need to not get attached. In the way I get attached bc I don’t get attached in the same ways LOL I get attached in ways only a detached person can. I can see us having a child and it being the biggest headache of my life! Seriously. 

My brother is annoying. If we weren’t family I wouldn’t talk to him. Hes talking to people on line for seriousness. He can Shekiah are a lot alike in that sense. The difference is I can not deal with her anymore Him not so much. 

[rawmeanderson]

pretty please ― thursday.

ft. Kevin Hayes.

plot: with Kevin, Brady, and Jimmy all gone from New York and the new season about to start, everyone gets together for a long weekend. warnings: swearing, drinking, mentions of anxiety/depression. word count: 4.9k notes: this is a slight AU I suppose, in the sense that the pandemic doesn’t exist here bc escapism, y’know? basically, this takes place in August 2020, where there was no pause and the season ended normally. also, this is kind of forgetting the fact that Kevin, Brady, and Jimmy didn’t live together during the last season they were all together in New York but whatever. Y/N is also plus sized!! title is from Pretty Please by Dua Lipa. there’s also more notes at the end!

Rain was hitting the windshield, the sky gloomy and grey as leaves on the trees outside the car. At least the weather was playing into your mood.

“Last time I checked, this was the only rain we’re supposed to get all weekend thankfully,” Sophie said from the driver’s seat as she adjusted the speed of the wiper blades. When she glances at you, you force a slight smile, nodding in acknowledgement. She looks like she wants to say something else but doesn’t, and you turn your head to look out the window.

The dread and disinterest swimming in your stomach, the car ride that seemed to go on endlessly reminded you of all the times your mother had driven you to your dad’s during the summers. You’d sat in the passenger seat then just like you are now, anxious, irritated, and on the verge of begging her to turn around.

You hadn’t wanted to come on this trip, knowing it was meant to be a last hurrah of sorts. Thursday to Sunday at a lake with friends sounded great in theory, but the changes that would be happening in the weeks that followed were what scared you. The finality of it all.

“I’m glad you decided to come, Y/N,” Sophie told you, and you could feel her glance at you again. She had been your roommate for almost 10 years now, since the start of college, and she knew you were doing your best not to spiral. 

You opened your mouth, then closed it again, opting to nod like you had earlier as your gaze drifted to your lap. Running your tongue along your teeth, you tried to think of something to say that would ease the tension in the vehicle. Un-crossing your legs, you shift in your seat slightly as you hear Sophie exhale a quiet sigh through her nose.

She knows your feelings aren’t personal, that you’re not blaming her for moving on with her life, but your general sadness about all of it weighed on her either way. She was right there, but that didn’t stop the preemptive pangs of loneliness that hit your stomach.

In the last two years, every person you’d spent most of your time with had left New York, until Sophie was the last one. And in two weeks, you’d be the only one left, leaving you feeling as grey and sad as the weather outside.

After chewing on the inside of your cheek for a while, you pick a piece of invisible lint off the fabric of your shorts. You’d meant to buy new ones before the trip since most of your pants cut into your waist anymore, fueling your self-consciousness. “I’ll...I’m sure I’ll feel a little better once we’re there and I’ve been able to take a nap,” you tell her, trying your best to sound optimistic about it. Blaming your bad mood and distantness on being tired, classic.

Sophie glanced at you and nodded, accepting what you’d said despite knowing you as well as she does.

It would’ve been hard to argue about it, considering you’d both been up before 5am to make this 4 hour drive. You’d left the city around 6, the car packed with the bags for the weekend, plus a good number of totes of Sophie’s stuff for Jimmy to take back to Buffalo with him. There was still about an hour left in the drive, and the iced coffee you’d chugged at the start of the drive had done nothing but make your heart race soar as you fidgeted in your seat.

Sophie had always been the early bird, with the two of you poised to be some of the first people to arrive at the lake. Jimmy and one of his buddies had gotten there last night, with everyone else slated to show up in the early afternoon. The only reason you’d agreed to leave so early was because Sophie promised to let you nap as long as you wanted once you got there. You were grateful that would allow you to avoid people for a while.

For what was left of the drive, Sophie didn’t speak, letting you sit there in your tired sadness as music hummed through the speakers.

When you parked at the massive cabin overlooking a lake that stretched as far as you could see, it was still raining. The sky was just as grey, and it gnawed at you, the perfect cinematic backdrop for what felt like the beginning of the end.

Your mood was sour, and as you unfastened your seatbelt to exit the car, you felt goosebumps rise along your skin even though it was warm out despite the rain. The same worry you’d had the whole drive was still swirling through your head, that your mood and your emotions would put a damper on the trip. You hoped that a nap would help calm those fears.

Jimmy was already on his way out to greet you and Sophie, his smile fixed on your roommate as you open the back door to grab your bag. He approaches with a grin as you’re already making your way toward the cabin. 

“Take any room you want,” he tells you, like he already knows that you’re going for a nap. You salute him in acknowledgement, deciding to greet him better later as he continues on to greet his girlfriend.

Your shirt is covered in raindrops by the time you get inside, glancing around curiously. There’s a couple of people hanging out on the sofas that you don’t recognize, but they wave to you either way then go back to their conversation.

After wandering down the hall, you nudge open a door and decide that the room is good enough. There’s a window looking out over the lake, and even as grouchy and sad as you’re feeling, you know it’ll be a gorgeous view when it’s not so gloomy outside. You close the door behind you and unceremoniously drop your bag on the floor while kicking off your shoes. Collapsing into the middle of the bed, you sigh, running on auto pilot as you pull the blankets over yourself. 

Shifting around slightly, you’re aware of how the shorts are cutting into your waist and your bra is pinching somewhere, but you’re too settled to do anything about it as you stare up at the wood paneled ceiling. The sound of the rain hitting the roof is soothing, and you let out a breath that seemed to have been held since the moment you got in the car.

Your eyes trace the woodgrain, remembering when Sophie told you about Jimmy’s roommates shortly after she got with him, that they were funny, cool guys that she knew you’d get along with. You’d partied with them first, but it turned into movie nights, casual dinners, enjoying the group of newfound friends that you saw several times a week. With how often you ended up hanging out late or bar hopping in their area, the guest room had practically been designated as yours.

Then Kevin was traded to Winnipeg. Then Jimmy was traded to Buffalo. Then Brady was traded to Carolina. Your found family in the city had practically dissolved within a year, and now Sophie was two weeks away from moving to Buffalo.

You knew there was little choice in the matter for anyone really, that it wasn’t their fault, that it was just how worked, but it still hurt, remembering you’d be the last one of the group in New York. You had other friends that you saw every so often, but it didn’t stop how lonely it all made you feel. Being sad about it made you feel selfish, so you buried it behind frequent naps and iced coffee.

Your internal monologue continued until tears stung in your eyes, and you blinked them away, turning on your side as you willed yourself to get some rest.

By the time you woke up, it was mid-afternoon, and you stayed curled up on your side for a moment. Sun was streaming in through the window as you took a deep breath. You could hear people outside, along with splashing from the lake, and when you rolled over, you saw somebody zip past in a jet ski. After a taking a few minutes to scroll through your phone, you finally get up, stretching as you smooth your hair down.

You came out of your room and found Jimmy and Sophie in the kitchen. Yawning as you approached, Sophie smiled.

“Good nap?” she asked knowingly, and you nodded once you were close enough to hug her.

“Yeah, definitely,” you said, arms wrapped around her. She hugged back tightly, rubbing a hand between your shoulder blades before you pulled away. 

You felt better. The nap and the better weather helped kick the sadness out of you. You hated this part, feeling better and realizing how cynical you’d been earlier.

“Good to see you, Slim Jim,” you told Jimmy, hugging him quickly as well. You were happy to see him, deciding to focus on enjoying and savoring the long weekend with everyone instead of being miserable with sadness. Leaning back against the edge of the counter, feeling content, you smile. “Who all showed up when I was out?” 

“Uh, some friends of mine, Derek and Amy, showed up, Kev too, and he brought a friend,” he said, glancing down at the water like he couldn’t even remember who was there. “Brady’s about an hour or so out.”

The three of you chat for a while, catching up since it had been awhile since you’d seen Jimmy. He introduces you to the friends of his that were splitting the cabin for the weekend when they come through, and a moment later, you promise to catch up more later, deciding to head outside for a bit.

Outside, the sun beats down on you but you lift your chin to greet the warmth as you walk. It felt particularly good after the heavy rain of the drive in, the humidity from it clinging to the air still.

Making your way to the dock, someone you hadn’t met is standing there, football in hand. Kevin’s on the back of a jet ski with someone else driving, and it didn’t surprise you at all to see him jump off for the football when the man on the dock through it. No surprise, he missed the ball and landed in the water with a splash, and was already laughing when he resurfaced a moment later.

That’s when he spots you, hand shooting up in a wave with a wide smile. “Heyo!” he yells, already swimming toward the dock. You could hear the excitement in his voice, and nervousness pangs in your stomach.

You had only seen him once since he’d been traded a year and a half ago, when he’d been in town for a game and you hadn’t even realized it. Sophie had invited you out, and there he was, happy as ever to see you. You were grateful that the bar had been loud and that Brady had been occupying most of Kevin’s attention. After a drink and a half and a quick conversation with Sophie, you’d taken off, managing to avoid Kevin other than the hug he’d given you as a greeting.

Since Jimmy and Sophie were together and Brady had Gracia, you and Kevin had been the odd couple out, paired together during group activities. It worked out at least, considering the two of you got along great.u seldom hung out once  When all three of the guys lived together, the two of you always seemed to be the last two up, chatting or finishing a movie even after the others had gone to bed.

It had felt so natural to hook up with Kevin the handful of times it had happened in the months leading up to when he was traded. Each time had been when you were both the last two awake, lingering on the sofa, usually at least a little drunk. It had always been casual, and you told yourself the only reason it happened (and kept happening) were out of convenience. You’d certainly never seemed like his type, considering almost every girl you’d ever seen him talk to at a bar had the same slender build and the confidence that came with it.

You snapped yourself out of the thoughts, and tug at the fabric of your shirt self-consciously, feeling like it’s clinging to all the wrong parts of your body. Kevin’s eyes are on you still as he climbed the ladder to meet you on the dock, making you feel even more aware of yourself. He paused to grab a towel off the rail, rubbing it over his hair, then settling it over his shoulders. His swim shorts hung low on his hips and you force yourself to meet his eye, happy to see that he was smiling widely at you as he approached.

“It’s so good to see you,” he said, sounding as sincere as you could ever imagine. It felt like his smile had grown, and it made it impossible for you not to mirror the expression right back to him. “I’d hug you, but in case you didn’t notice, I was just in the lake.” You had forgotten how deep his voice was, and you tell yourself that it’s the sun that’s making you feel hot all over.

“I’m good with a rain check,” you responded, nodding at him. From the golden tone of his skin, you can tell he’s been outside a lot this summer. He looked great, as always, and you hadn’t expected anything less. 

“Good by me,” he told you with a laugh, bringing a hand out to ruffle your hair in lieu of a hug. You laugh with him, not quick enough to stop him. “How’s life been? Man, I feel like I haven’t seen or heard from you in forever.” You don’t let yourself think about his tone, how he almost sounds a little sad about it.

You shrug quickly in response to his question, still grinning. “Things are okay. Nothing’s really been going on, I guess. I miss you guys though.” Your hand comes up to shield the sun from your eyes, tilting your head up to see him better. He’s so tall that looking at him heads on would have you staring at the bit of hair that covers his chest, at how broad his shoulders are, and you were worried that you’d never stop if you started. “What about you? How’s Philly?” 

“I miss New York, but damn, Philly’s been great, I can’t even lie about it,” he admitted with a bit of a laugh. It was good to know that he’s happy, and you can feel it radiating off of him. “It’s a good city, and a good group of dudes. And this guy, over here,” he paused, voice a little louder as he motions behind him to the guy who’d thrown the football, “is Nolan. We lived together this year.”

Nolan looked at the two of you, holding up a hand to wave before turning his attention back to talking to one of Jimmy’s friends that’s floating in an inner-tube close to the dock. You were both silent for a moment then before whoever was on the jet ski yelled Kevin’s name, waving for him to come back out.

“You should come swim,” Kevin told you, motioning to whoever it was that he’d be there in a minute. 

Your eyebrows rose and you were quick to shake your head, even before self-consciousness dug its claws into you. “Nah, not right now at least,” you said, dismissing the idea with a wave of your hand. “I just came down to say hey, I’m actually going to go chill on the deck and read for a while, I think.”

For a short second, Kevin looked a little disappointed, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He instead nodded, smiling again already as his hand came up to your shoulder. “Yeah, gotcha.” It’s hard to ignore how large his hand is on you, the way he squeezes just slightly, his thumb brushing against your collarbone. “We’ll catch up more later.”

“Yeah, of course,” you told him, doing your best not to lean into his hand. Thankfully, he stepped away before your willpower went out, and you watched as he damn near sprinted back to the edge of the dock, jumping into the water in an effort to splash a friend.

You stopped in the cabin to grab your iPad, and on your way out to the back deck, a girl who introduced herself as Amy put a margarita in your hand and hugged you like she’d known you for years. It was a damn good margarita too, you realized as you settled on a lounge chair, stretching your legs out in front of you.

The rest of the afternoon ticks by easily. The margarita is rather strong, relaxing you into the chair as you read for the next hour and a half until Brady showed up. You’d been able to hear laughter and the occasional shouting from the water every so often, Kevin’s voice usually the loudest. Brady, Sophie, and Jimmy joined you on the deck a while later, and the four of you take the time to catch up a little more and figure out how to spend the next few days.

The sun had just stating to set when pizza arrived for dinner. The air is still warm, and someone was already working on starting a bonfire. Sophie was to your right at the picnic table, a little tipsy as she munched on some garlic bread.

Across the table, Brady was talking about his upcoming nuptials. Gracia hadn’t been able to make it for the trip, but you were glad he’d decided to come. Next to him, Kevin interjected with a dumb comment at one point, making Jimmy snicker.

“By the way, Kev, do you need a plus one? Have you been seeing anybody?” Brady asked, turning his head to look at him rather pointedly. It takes everything you have not to snicker a bit, lifting a slice a pizza to your mouth. 

“Naah, I’m not seeing anyone,” Kevin responded, lifting his shoulders in a shrug. “I’m sure I could find someone to go with, but I haven’t really dated much since Y/N.”

You freeze when he says your name, your mouth already half open to take a bite. What the fuck is he talking about? 

“We never dated,” you said, the words more sharp than you’d meant them to be. Your eyebrows have practically shot up, and you look away from him as an awkward silence hangs over the table for a beat until Sophie exhales a laugh.

Jimmy really came to the rescue by changing the subject, and your cheeks were burning by the time you met Kevin’s eye again. He actually looked a little amused, but rather than making you feel relieved, it makes heat curl down your spine. 

By the time it was completely dark, part of the group had settled on the sofa and chairs in the living room to watch a movie, while others decided to go on late ride on the lake. It was still plenty warm out, and you’d really hit a stride in the book you’d been working on, so you ended up back in the same chair you’d spent most afternoon in. The line of string lights gives the deck a nice glow to it, and you can hear the buzz of the TV in the living room.

The sliding glass door opens then closes, at you look up to see Kevin walking towards you.

“Is the movie no good?” you asked, tilting your head as you look at him. He had a beer in one hand and a hard cider in the other that he offered to you. The fact that he recognized your favorite brand in the fridge made you smile as you thanked him quietly for it.

“Movie’s fine, just thought I’d come see if you wanted to go for a walk or go hang by the water,” he responded, shrugging as he took a sip from the beer still in his hand.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” You shrugged back at him, flashing a grin as you got to your feet. Leaving your iPad on the seat for the time being, you follow him to the stairs, then down the trail to the dock.

“How are things in New York?” Kevin asked after a moment’s silence, and you glance up at him with a skeptical look.

“I thought we talked about this earlier,” you counter, taking a sip of your drink. He scoffed, shrugging beside you as the pair of you started down the dock.

“Yeah, I guess we did, really, how are things?” Kevin’s voice was lower this time, making your back straighten when he looked at you again. “How are you?”

You weren’t expecting such a direct question, and you’re grateful to deflect it for even a moment longer as you take the time kick off your shoes and sit on the edge of the dock. An answer still hasn’t found you, so you take a drink instead of speaking. Kevin watched you all the while as he sat next to you, making self-awareness prickle at the base of your neck.

“Life’s fucking weird right now,” you admit finally, looking at the reflection of the moon on the water. “And it actually kind of fucking sucks too.” Kevin doesn’t respond right away, but when you took a deep breath, his elbow nudged yours lightly.

“You’ll get through it,” he assured you, with such sureness in his voice that you looked at him with a warm smile.

“I know I will. It’s just hard, but I’m dramatic, so of course it feels like the end of an era or something.” Your shoulders rise then fall in a shrug, still looking at him. “And then I feel selfish for even feeling that way to begin with. I know it wasn’t your choice to leave, or Brady’s, or Jimmy’s. I’m trying not to let myself be too sad about it.” You were surprised that your voice remained even as you spoke.

The words hang in the air and Kevin nodded, bring a hand up to touch the back of your shoulder. You feel warm all over as his fingers splay over your upper back, and you find yourself biting the edge of your tongue when tears sting in your eyes. 

“I was sad about leaving too. I knew I’d miss the guys, that I’d miss you, but that’s what makes trips like these nice, getting to catch up and just hang out for a few days,” he said finally, his hand still on your shoulder when he met your eye. “I’m honestly surprised you’re not following Sophie to Buffalo.”

Your nose scrunched at the thought and you shook your head, exhaling a quick laugh. “I honestly thought about it, but I know she’s excited to be moving in with him, and I don’t want her to feel like she has to always keep me company or something,” you explained, peeling at the edge of the label on your bottle with your thumbnail. You weren’t sad enough about being alone in New York to justify moving upstate, you knew that much.

“Philly’s not far from New York, y’know. You can always come hang with me and Nolan, and I know there’s a few other guys on the team you’d have a good time with,” Kevin offered, taking a long swig of his beer as his hand finally fell from your shoulder. “Or I could visit you. We could go to that one bakery you like so much, watch movie or TV all day, just kind of chill.”

A wide smile spread across your face. “Yeah, I’d like that,” you said, taking the chance to nudge him with your elbow. Kevin nodded, still grinning as he nudged you right back. It felt good to be talking to him, to have him close enough to smell his cologne for the first time in a year and a half.

There was another pause, and you both took a drink, the sound of frogs and crickets hanging around you.

“Sorry for putting you on the spot like that at dinner. It was meant to be a joke,” he said finally, taking another drink to finish off the bottle. You glance up at him and it almost looked like he was blushing a bit over it.

Scoffing, you shake your head. “Don’t worry about it, but Kev, you know we never dated,” you told him, laughing as you finish off your own drink.

“We kind of did!” he responded, laughing with you. “We went out plenty of times!”

“Dude, texting me ‘hey, are you hungry?’ at 11pm, then going to a 24 hour diner does not count as a date.” You snorted, shaking your head. When he caught your eye, he was smiling almost bashfully.

“Okay, fine,” he conceded, holding your gaze. “The next time we go on a date, I’ll make sure you’re aware of it, deal?”

Your response is to laugh again, nodding and looking away this time. The way he’s looking at you makes you feel like you’re back on the sofa in their old apartment at 2am. A chill ran down you and you exhaled a breathe, watching the way the water rippled as a breeze swept through.

“I’m really did miss you,” Kevin told you, and from the corner of your eye, you know he was watching you again. Nervousness plucked along the back of your neck, and you kept your eyes on the water. “Like, way more than I miss Jimmy and Brady, honestly.” You don’t fully believe him, but either way, the sentiment makes your heart ache. 

With your jaw clenched, you exhaled a breath as your eyes burned with the threat of tears. “I missed you most too,” you assured him, swallowing the lump in your throat. 

“Good.” He paused, tilting his head up to look at the stars for a moment. “Can we watch season two of Fleabag sometime this weekend?” Kevin looked at you a second later and blinked as you laughed.

“Yeah, of course. That’s an oddly specific request,” you said, letting your eyes move over the lines of his face as he shrugged.

“I haven’t watched it yet, I was waiting until I could watch it with you.” His words made you blink, and your throat swelled, hating this rush of emotions now that you’d felt happier for most of the day. You didn’t really know what to say, so you just nodded again, suddenly feeling the urge to lean into him to bury your face in his neck comfortably.

A few months before he had been traded, you’d started the first season at 1:30am after a night of drinking. Brady had been at Gracia’s, and Jimmy and Sophie hadn’t even made it through the first episode. Considering the season consisted of six 25 minute episodes, it was easy for you and Kevin to stay up and watch the entire first season, curled up together on the couch.

You and Kevin had spent the following half hour making out like teenagers until he absolutely begged you to come to bed with him. Feeling heat beside your thighs, you now wish you had said yes, just to have that extra memory.

The two of you spend the next several minutes in silence, sitting side by side on the dock in the dark. You can hear music playing from the cabin behind you and the murmur of voices surrounding the fire pit that was a dozen feet away. Your heart was racing as you fidgeted after a while, trying to ignore the feelings for him that you had buried when he was traded that were now bubble at the surface.

Eventually, Kevin mentioned going up to the house for more drinks, and you agreed, getting to your feet with a sigh. You looked up at him briefly, then toward the house behind you.

“Before we head up, can I cash in my rain check for that hug from earlier?” he asked, running a hand over his hair as he watched you.

“Yeah, of course,” you responded, smiling widely as you walked into the arms he held open for you. 

You let out a breathe as he hugged you tightly, your face pressed into his chest. He smelled as good as he always did, and warmth of his hand rubbing over your back had you relaxing into him. Your fingers curl in the fabric of his shirt when he kissed the side of your head once, then a second time. 

“It’s gonna be a good weekend, yeah?” he murmured, the words muffled against your hair. It took everything you had not to shiver against him, and you nodded, happy to keep yourself nuzzled securely against him for a while longer. 

A FEW MORE NOTES: Well, this fic feels a lot more emotional than I’m used to writing, and it’s one of those things that I really like where I’m heading with this, but I worry about it seeming whiny or wishy-washy, but here it is anyway. How typical of me to vanish for months, then show up with a new story when everyone’s been waiting for Bring You Back to Me’s next chapter 😂 I love whoever of you are still reading at this point, and I hope you enjoy this fic. I loved the first part, but I’m so not used to writing anymore and that, paired with my ever present self-doubt, I’m like “is this fic good at all??? let’s fucking see!!!” and here we are 🤷🏻‍♀️

FRIDAY

#kevin hayes #kevin hayes fic #kevin hayes imagine #hockey imagine #forever terrible at tagging these whoops #pretty please

[doitjake]

The music in us - P1

Jake kiszka x reader

warnings: none.

Requests: “two rockstars meeting in a festival, and both bands hanging out cause they are both friends with the struts, then jake starts falling in love w this person because of their personality, talent and charisma, they start to match in the second day of camping at the festival and then the bands have to play in the same day, jake tells his feeling and the reader doesn’t know how to react.”

A/N:  this was an incredible request and I took a while to post it because I wanted it to be at least reasonable haha. this is the first part, i will probably post the second part on saturday or sunday. I hope you like it and if you want to see a specific scene in the second part comment here or you can send me a message / question!!

Requests here: https://forms.gle/6uMRSCzFvyR2FgZPA

Being in a band with your 2 best friends and your cousin is definitely awesome, until the first week.

"POPPY WHERE'S MY FUCKING HAIRBRUSH?" A super angry drummer was seen getting on the bus.

"Ana, can't you speak a sentence at a normal voice volume?" That was Lexa, our guitarist or our mother, whichever you prefer. She performs both functions very well.

"No, I can't." She walks over to Poppy and snatches her hairbrush out of her hand. "At least not when vocalists with superiority complexes steal my stuff." She walks to the small bathroom on the bus as Poppy showed her the middle finger.

Even inside the bus you could hear several bands doing sound checks and stages being finalized outside. We had arrived at the Summer Rock Festival a few hours ago, it would be three days of festival, we would perform on the second day, after our friends from The Struts and before the boys from Greta Van Fleet.

"Luke texted me, he and the boys are already heading to the bar." Lexa stands up fixing the bottom of her beautiful dress that looked like it was straight out of the 70's, "So if we don't want to be late our dear drummer had better get out of this fucking bathroom soon."

"Hey, no swearing, Mom." I walk past her grabbing my leather jacket from the seat. "Ana! Let's go!"

By the time Lexa and Poppy are outside I am trying to find my cell phone amidst a pile of clothes, Ana finally comes out of the bathroom.

"Cousins by chance, twins by choice." She pulls up the sleeves of her jacket, just like mine, smiling at me.

I find my cell phone and slip my arm over Ana's shoulders, leading us to the bus door.

"Did I mention I hate you?" I ask coming down the small staircase and find Poppy and Lexa waiting for us to go.

"Hm, I guess not today yet." She goes to Poppy's side and pats her chin. "Stop drooling, Poppy."

Lexa and I turn to where Poppy was looking and find the 4 boys from Greta taking their instruments off the bus, about 50 feet away from us.

"Fuck you, Ana," Poppy starts walking towards the exit of the festival, where there is an avenue full of bars, nightclubs, strip clubs and karaoke places.

In less than 10 minutes we had already arrived at the bar and before we even entered Jed already called us shouting. "Hey, girls! Over here!"

It was always really cool to hang out with the boys, we knew each other because of Jed and Adam being friends with Poppy's older brother. We joined them and other people from the crew and some other artists at the festival and less than 2 minutes later several bottles of beer were already on the tables.

I looked at my band mates, we spend so much time together that it is fun to analyze them socializing with other people besides ourselves.

Poppy was probably the most outgoing of us, everyone liked her, she was always nice and polite to everyone and it was amazing to see men with long beards and leather vests making fun of a girl singing rock and then Poppy shutting them up, either with her talent or her knowledge.

Lexa was so calm that it is still shocking to me to see her play and totally transform on stage. She had a 70's hippie style that matched perfectly with her long blond hair and delicate features.

And Ana, my band mate that I have known all my life, my younger cousin. Certainly the strongest personality among the four of us, her life revolved around music, and I loved that about her.

Oh, of course. There's me too, but I don't think it's worth describing myself too much. I'm probably too dull around them. I wasn't outgoing like Poppy, I wasn't charming like Lexa, and I definitely didn't have as much personality as Ana.

My God, what a depression. I need another drink, one stronger than beer.

"Hey, I'm going to go to the bar. I'll be right back." I speak to Lexa receiving a nod in response.

Reaching over I choose the only drink capable of cheering me up.

"A shot of Jack Daniels. No ice please" I speak loudly so the bartender can hear through the music of The Who playing at the bar.

"I always thought it was the guitar players who were more into whiskey" A husky voice came over the music right in my right ear. "I thought bass players were more into vodka"

And then the seat next to me was taken by Jake Kiszka, guitarist for Greta Van Fleet, well I definitely can't compare to Poppy on the subject of "GVF FANGIRL", but wow.

"What about the vocalists and drummers?" I asked as the bartender left the shot of Jack Daniels in front of me.

"Vocalists? Probably some weird drink and drummers for sure are the beer guys." He smiles and turns the stool around facing me "I'm Jake" He holds out his hand to you.

"Y/N" I hold his hand.

"The bass player who made my theory go down the drain." He laughs arching an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe I'm an exception.

"Yeah, maybe there was a glitch in the matrix." He turns to call the bartender. "May I imitate you?" He indicates my glass with his head.

"You're the guitar player here, I think I'm the one copying you." I smile at him and he reciprocates, and shit, why do I think I could stare at him smile forever? And then I feel an arm on my shoulders.

"So you mean my friends are friends, and I didn't know?" Luke leaned one arm on me and the other on Jake, clearly not sober anymore. "Come on over to the table, antisocial people, your bands are waiting."

Luke releases our shoulders and looks at us. "Or are you guys busy planning to pick each other up?"

I could feel all my blood rising to my cheeks in a second, and thank God I had already swallowed the whiskey, otherwise I probably would have spit it all out.

"Of course not Luke." I gave a nervous laugh praying that I could disguise my embarrassment. Which only increased when Jake tilted his head to the side looking at me and gave a weak laugh and then getting up to walk over to the table.

Now there were more people at the table, including the other three members of Greta, and I sat down between Adam and Ana. "Please dig a hole and stick me in" I whispered to my cousin.

"With pleasure." She winked and smiled at me, "But may I know why?"

With the music loud and our friends talking around us I had to lean 'round to whisper right into her ear. "I was talking to Jake Kiszka and then Luke came over and thought we were going to kiss and I looked like an idiot."

"You always look like an idiot, cousin." He whispered in response. "But you want to kiss him?" Ana smiled mischievously.

"Oh my god, I was just talking to him."

"Well, you should kiss him, he's handsome." She picks up her beer and offers me a bottle.

"You say that because you have a crush on his twin." I open my bottle as I watch Ana choke on her own beer and cast a quick glance at Josh. "Oh come on, you can't disguise yourself." I laugh slapping our bottles together before taking a long sip.

"I don't have a crush on him." Ana squirms in her chair uncomfortably. "He's the lead singer, he has several women after him, and he must have a superiority complex just like Poppy."

"He seems pretty cool!"

"Y/N! ANA!" Poppy's voice managed without louder than the music in the bar, causing us to turn around and find 10 pairs of eyes staring at us. "Are you guys deaf?"

As I run my gaze around the table I realize that all the boys' crew have left, now it's just us, the boys from The Struts and Greta Van Fleet.

"Hm, hey!" I reply before Ana has a chance to cuss Poppy out.

"We're going to karaoke, the bar closes early today." Gethin gets up from the table, being followed by his bandmates, Josh, Sam, Danny, Poppy and Lexa.

"I'm in!" Ana stands up.

"I'm going back to the bus, I don't have as much energy as you guys." I stand up grabbing my cell phone and wallet.

"Let's go together." Jake speaks and I realize that he was the only one who hadn't gotten up until now.

"Ok" I say trying to look calm and not knowing why I am nervous, like a teenage girl who likes the popular boy.

I say goodbye to everyone and when I pass by Ana she winks at me, in a not discreet way.

After we pay for our drinks, Jake and I head out onto the streets of Chicago to return to the festival.

"Excited for tomorrow?" Jake asks as we cross one of the avenue streets.

"For sure, tomorrow and our days will have the best shows!" I look at him. "I feel like I might faint just remembering that I'm going to see Steven Tyler live tomorrow." He throws his head back and laughs. "Now you think I'm some kind of crazy fangirl." I smile.

"Oh, of course not." Jake returns the smile by looking at me. "The chances of me passing out at the Stones concert are not small either."

"So, you're a 'fangirl' for Keith Richards?"

"Definitely." He laughs again shaking his head.

"Does that mean that for you 'team stones' is right?

"Well, it's certainly a tough contest, but yes 'team stones'." He turns to me with the corners of his lips raised. "Team Beatles?"

"And a George stan with pride." I smile and wink at him amused. "Okay, important question."

"Okay, speak." Jake runs his fingers through the strands of hair that fall down the side of his face.

"Pearl Jam or Nirvana?"

"Is there a right answer?" He asks and I arch an eyebrow at him. "Okay, hm, Nirvana."

"You had a right answer! And you got it wrong." I smile. "Come on, Eddie Veder is almost a God."

Jake laughs and brings his hands in front of his body in a sign of redemption. "I don't disagree!"

And then I realize that we arrived at the festival some time ago and are now facing my bus.

"Thank you so much, for walking me here." I say to him, climbing up the first step of the entrance stairs, almost standing the same height as Jake.

"You're welcome!" He gives me a smile and puts his hands in the pockets of his black skinny pants. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure."

You smile at him and Jake moves closer and deposits a kiss on your cheek.

"Bye!"

“Bye, Jake!”

#greta van fleet #greta van fleet fic #greta van fic #greta van fleet imagine #gvf #gvf imagine #jake kiszka gvf #jake gvf #jake kiszka #jake kiszka imagine #jake kiszka fic #jake kiszka x reader #fanfic #imagine #jake imagines #jake x reader #jacob kiszka

[kairos-ed]

Obese anas let's start a thread!

Skin care! Food diaries! Hair care! People who have to lose 50-100+ pounds need a completely different regime from those who have to lose 10-20+ pounds.

Here's all I have learnt and added to my routine.

1) Use an exfoliator every day. EVERYDAY.

I use three different exfoliators alternatively.

This is my routine. I have two gentle exfoliators and one harsher exfoliator.

Monday & Thursday - Turmeric + Besan +Milk/Yogurt/Curd with a little coconut oil (you can use any carrier oil). This helps with brightening your skin and has helped me lighten the discoloration of the back of my neck (poc anas you know what I'm talking about), my underarms and my inner thighs, overweight/obese bodies are more prone to discoloration caused by chafing and rubbing of skin and this helps sooooo much. You can look up different youtube videos to find the recipe and DON'T TRUST THE VIDEOS WHICH SAY YOU CAN STORE IT. you can't store it if you've already added milk or yogurt to it, but you can store it if you've only mixed the dry ingredients. I just put the stuff needed for them in my bedroom so I don't have to go to the kitchen constantly. Don't store dry ingredients for more than a month cause it'll attract bugs. If it gets bugs then you don't necessarily have to throw it out, you can sieve it and use it again.

Tuesday & Friday - Oatmeal scrub. GRIND THE OATMEAL INTO A POWDER. Don't grind it too fine but till it looks like rice powder, properly grinded but still coarse. Trust me, grinding it up makes it so much easier to scrub with and it won't clog your drains. I add honey and some milk/water to it. DON'T ADD SUGAR. This is also a gentle exfoliator so adding sugar will make it too harsh and it'll be bad for your skin. I let it sit for 5-10mins so it becomes a paste and then use it to scrub my body.

Wednesday-Saturday - Coffee scrub. This one is the most common one BUT I've found using 2 parts of coffee and one part of sugar instead of the same quantity of both works better. My skin is soft and glowy and it helps with stretch marks. I add vitamin e oil and coconut oil to this (I use a shit ton of oil). And I store this in a glass jar. I make enough for a month at a time and I've had no problems with it being stored for long periods of time.

2) SCRUB YOUR BUTT

I know this is a no brainer but I wanted to add it here either way. I stand in my shower and scrub my ass cheeks and back rolls for 5 mins every day, it helps with toning the skin and lightens the strech marks you have back there and helps you avoid loose skin. I know our favourite thing to scrub is our stomach and boobs (if you have em) but give your butt and back rolls some love too, your thighs need to get exfoliated too. I usually relax in the shower for a few mins with the scrub on too. Idk monkey brain says wait for it to work.

3) DITCH YOUR LOTIONS

I know I know, we have all seen the ads saying they work BUT we have a LOT OF BODY, lotions are expensive and gets soaked up by your clothes or evaporates immediately. Use body oils instead, they stick to your skin the whole day and you can SAVE BANK. I make my own body oil with coconut oil + black castor oil + olive oil + peppermint oil and vitamin e oil but you add whatever you feel like to it. Oils help a lot more than lotions.

4) BODY DYSMORPHIA/GENDER DYSPHORIA GANG I GOT YOU.

I have both of these and sometimes depression makes it hard for me to look at my own body. I skip getting a shower when it gets too bad and I know exactly how it feels like to not shower for weeks. During these slumps I have made it a rule to shower atleast once every 3 days. I know it's not hygienic to not shower everyday but I also hate my body don't come @ me. I use EXFOLIATING GLOVES to wash my body (even when I'm using my diy scrubs). They clean me better than just using my hands and soap or a loofah. I use the gloves as scrubs and this has helped me with skin infections caused by not showering (I said don't come @ me). I also only use anti bacterial/fungal shower gels now. They help kill any bacteria growth which happened on your body during the time you didn't shower. I have stopped using loofahs cause the net is bunched up so it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria especially cause you might not use it for long periods of time between showers cause of the absolute chaos in my brains.

4) HAIR CARE

We will lose hair. It's gonna be fine! Use peppermint oil with a carrier oil, I use black castor oil. It helps stimulate your hair follicles. Onion oil is great too, I've found that coconut oil makes me lose the hair on my head so I steer clear from it. Oil atleast once every 3 days and let it stay over night. It makes your follicles stronger and nourishes your hair.

5) PEDICURES

We will sweat a lot and during this time you need to take extra care of your feet, do diy pedicures atleast once a week and wash your shoes every weekend too. ALWAYS wear socks.

Fungal infections are a real thing people.

6) SUNDAY ROUTINE.

You might have noticed that I don't have a scrub for Sunday and it's because I have a completely different routine for Sundays. Its my pamper yourself routine. I use SKIN TIGHTENING AND FIRMING FACE MASKS BUT! ALL OVER MY BODY. I stole this from Alexandra girly talks. I use Aztec indian clay and white clay with Apple cider vinegar for this. I make a paste and sit with it for an hour. It might seem like a lot but honestly I just watch bobs burgers and the time flies by. I have also used stuff like orange peel (NOT PEEL OFF) face masks, and other face masks on my body. It helps with avoiding loose skin.

7) IF ITS GOOD FOR YOUR FACE IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR BODY.

TONER! USE TONER ON YOUR SKIN! I have a mini shower in the morning too, it's not a whole ass routine but I just wet my body with warm water and let the steam open my pores and just clean myself with water essentially (I don't really need to use soap again cause I shower at night and I live in a hot place so taking a shower twice isn't a big deal) I then use toner (use any liquid toner and put it in a foaming pump and use the foam it's easier) all over my body and then use sunscreen and oil. (Yeah I oil my body twice a day). I do this before going out so that the sunscreen protects my skin.

I'll add more when I think of more stuff. Add to this if you have anything!!

#obese ana #plus size ana #overweight ana #poc ana

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona’s catholic school memories #ilona’s catholic school rants #sorry it’s another tl;dr in the feels post lmao

[missinghan]

give it a chance ⤖ lee minho

❖ genre : college au; roommates au; friends to lovers au

❖ word count : 9,6k.

❖ warning : explicit language, slightly suggestive & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you convinced yourself to attend a party in order to prevent Lee Minho from doing stupid things; however it’s not so stupid anymore when your roommate said he needed to tell you something important.

❖ a/n : the continuation of what if we is dedicated to @chaninfused, so *clears throat* this is where I hereby declare that she deserves more than what the entire universe can possibly give her; oh hi furat, this is why I’ve been so cryptic all this time. I know this isn’t much but I want to thank you for tolerating me and letting me be mean to you even though we only started talking for a few months; you’re an incredibly great friend and an amazing writer, don’t ever forget that 🖤

one.

It’s been almost a week since Jisung last talked to Minho (albeit texts and FaceTime) and he wakes up to his best friend roaming around his crusty kitchen, struggling to find a bottle of honey. Seungmin’s mom has been constantly sending them thirty packets of rib soup per week. And Minho thinks the sight of Han Jisung slurping on nothing but distorted rice with pork ribs while stressing over his paper for seven days straight is more tragic than his non-existent love life.

“It’s like you’re trying to turn us into gym rats,” Hyunjin snickers lazily, flinging his bangs away from his face. “You even brought us Tupperwares, are you really expecting us not to order tacos impulsively on study nights?” He’s a little dubious about stuff like this because he can feel the actual horror of only eating chicken breast and string beans just by seeing Chan cooking them up. 

Seungmin chucks a piece of lettuce towards his direction, “Don’t you have anything else to do other than complaining?” He knows that when Jisung and Hyunjin decide to order food on study nights, they’re gonna do anything but study.

“Uhm, I actually do,” he replies nonchalantly. “I’m going through Minho’s phone.”

Jisung takes a seat next to him by the counter, propping his head onto his hands, “What’s the point? There’s nothing but cat photos and cat memes...and also Y/N as his background.”

“That angle is hideous, by the way,” Hyunjin comments like the true photography geek he is, which is completely ignored by Minho because he’s too cranky to start a fight at ten in the morning. “But it’s kinda cute for you to do that, so I’m gonna turn a blind eye.”

Jisung asks out of the blue, “Who’s going to BamBam’s party this Sunday? Well, besides the other two-thirds of 3RACHA.” 

“I have a midterm on Monday, dumbass,” Seungmin mumbles while washing his vegetables at the sink. 

“And I’m sleeping over at Lix’s for a project,” Hyunjin informs him lamely, having no intention to attend another single frat party. At least not BamBam’s frat parties—that guy has the weirdest friends; a chick was so drunk that she thought Hyunjin was her boyfriend and almost tried to make out with him on the dance floor. 

Jisung secretly hates going to parties without his friends- no, actually, he never goes to parties without people from his social circle because he dreads the whole introduction part that requires formalities and inevitable awkwardness. But it’s not like that with Minho, ten minutes into their very first conversation and he feels like he’s known him for years. 

In short, he will die if Minho doesn’t come to the party. Chan can only chat with him for so long until his DJ duty occurs and Changbin’s probably gonna be too busy doing keg stands to care about his antisocial friend. 

“Fine, I’ll go,” Minho gives in while chopping up the chicken breasts and this prompts Jisung to clap happily like a seal for the next twenty seconds as he skips over to the fridge to fetch a water bottle. “But we’re gonna need a ride, I’m not taking my motorbike for some crackhead to puke on it. Ask Chan later when you crash at his place.”

Jisung tosses his head back to take a peek at the clock hanging by the bookshelf, and it reads 10:07 AM. He really should be getting for his class at eleven because traffic sucks but he’s not feeling like sitting through two hours of Park ranting about marketing strategies. “Can’t Y/N just drive us? I don’t think she’d let anyone else take you home when you’re not sober,” he ponders, earning a nod of agreement from both of his roommates. 

Just when Minho opens his mouth to brush it off, he stops himself to process the information again and holds back a ‘you’re right’ because he hates letting people know that they’re not wrong. He wouldn’t let anyone drive you home when you’re drunk either. “Her car’s with her dad right now,” he tries to sound casual when three pairs of curious eyes are glued onto his back. “I, uh, sorta had it run into a tree last week.”

“You what? How are you still alive?” Hyunjin’s jaw is on the floor and Seungmin accidentally dumps too much vinegar into his salad while Jisung’s choking on the iced cold water, coughing furiously after into the sleeve of his hoodie. Guess Chan’s gonna have to drive them both. After all, he can never say ‘no’ to J.One. 

Minho murmurs, “A dude rear-ended me, fucking idiot.” He finishes marinating the chicken breasts and arranges them nicely onto a tray with aluminum foil on top, pushing it into the preheated oven. “And basically she’s never letting me touch her car again,” he sighs while staring into midair dreamily, flashbacking to last Friday when you immediately Ubered yourself all the way from campus to downtown after picking up his call. All he got was thirty seconds of affection; you made sure that he’s not hurt and the rest was just a monstrous tantrum. He ended up sleeping on the couch that night. 

“My my, you two are just like an old married couple,” Hyunjin chuckles lightheartedly and shakes his head, scrolling through the series of texts in amusement, “What even is this? I swear your conversation consists of 60% ‘when are you going home?’, 40% ‘your lunch is here’ and 20% terrible cat memes.”

“We’re roommates,” Minho drags the word through gritted teeth, holding back all the murderous thoughts inside his head because he feels like Hyunjin’s just asking for a death wish. It’s too early for this. 

Unexpectedly, Seungmin decides he’s in a pretty good mood today since he aced his OChem pop quiz yesterday; meaning, he’s gonna stick his nose into his friend’s business whenever there’s a chance. “Don’t you guys share a bed too?” he pretends to play dumb only to receive a kick in the shin from the older boy. 

“We’re also broke,” Minho cranes his neck tiredly, washing the dirty knife under the tap. “Besides, the heater in the living room sucks.”

“You both even smell the same, it’s getting kinda creepy. Please don’t tell me you guys also share showers to have a light water bill,” Jisung makes a gagging noise and Minho thinks he’s already said too much. His grip on the knife tightens for a split second before letting it drop into the sink. He doesn’t trust himself with anything sharp the moment Hyunjin started this unwanted conversation. He also regrets stealing Changbin’s meal prep recipes to feed his trash friends. 

Minho questions callously, “We just use the same shampoo and shower gel, what’s the big deal?” His hands go for the box of oatmeal that Felix left here last time in the cabinet full of random food. He doesn’t get why Seungmin would buy so much groceries like he’s in a pandemic knowing damn well that his idiotic roommates can’t cook for shit. 

Hyunjin purses his lips, trying to prove his point, “Don’t you think that it’s weird? You don’t do those things with us.”

“Because none of you would fucking house me when I was on the verge of being homeless!”

“And why is she yelling at you through texts anyway? Bro, there’s like ten missed calls here with at least a hundred ‘where are you?’. Why is she terrorizing you this early in the morning?” Minho immediately snaps out of his semi-angry trance, chest heaving up and down. 

“Oh shit,” he facepalms himself. “I promised to pick her up at ten from class, what time is it again?”

“You’re fifteen minutes late, my friend,” Jisung supplies unhelpfully. “It’ll take another ten to arrive at campus, without traffic that is. You’re so dead. D-E-A-D.” It feels weird to hear something correct coming out of Jisung’s mouth (twice in a row) and now Minho wishes he could just whack his friend unconscious on the floor with the new set of microphones that Chan gave him last year for Secret Santa. 

“Oh, I left your rice sitting at ‘warm’, by the way,” Minho makes a grab for his biker jacket and helmet on the counter before fleeing out of the apartment with his sneakers half-way tucked in. It’s not even been thirty minutes since they’ve seen each other for the past week and Jisung’s already choked on water, not once, but twice because of Lee Minho. Sometimes he wonders if the universe is telling him that he needs new friends. 

two. 

“Your boyfriend is late.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you hiss at Yeji while staring at Minho’s contact on your phone anxiously. There’s no reason for you to be; worst-case scenario, you can just take the 0325 home and lock him outside for the night so that he’ll have no choice but to endure Chan’s embarrassing sleeping habits. He wouldn’t even notice either way because he’d be too busy swearing in his sleep to be annoyed. 

Yeji puts her hair up into a ponytail after stretching her limbs tiredly. She only has one class today and no choice but to stay on campus for her shift at the café before lunch break. Too bad Woojin can’t cover her today because of midterms. “I’m only speaking facts,” she tells you with a yawn and notices the slight pout on your face. “Hey, don’t be sad just because your stupid boyfriend can’t pick you up. I can call Chaeryeong if you need a ride here and there, she wouldn’t mind.”

“I’m not fucking sad!”

“Y/N, you look more depressed than Ryujin when she got a B+ in calc.” That’s irrelevant, Shin Ryujin already has a GPA booster after signing up for Kim’s stats class, one B+ won’t make it any less sparkly.

You only let out a prolonged sigh after checking your phone for the tenth time in the past half an hour. He isn’t picking up any of your calls, your messages probably can’t even reach him and now you’re sitting at M.I.A Cafe with a cup of plain water after standing outside at the front gate for so long like an idiot. An idiot, who’s hopelessly in love with her roommate- wait what? 

Listen, you already know that this is going to happen. It’s awfully inevitable and it’s getting harder and harder as the days pass by because summer is almost here. Meaning, Minho’s gonna move out soon, according to the contract. 

Are you sad about that? 

Yeah, kinda.

The more you think about it the more you regret your decision that day to let him stay with you. Because now you don’t think you’d be able to sleep without him next to you, hogging the blanket all to himself; you get angsty when he’s not home even if he’s just at dance practice; you’re definitely getting way too used to sharing an earphone with him while you both are dreading your assignments silently at the kitchen counter. And now you’re getting nervous just because he’s thirty minutes late. He’s never late, not even to your Monday Movie Night where you both can pig out and binge-watch the Avatar: The Last Airbender series until you’re sick of it. 

Maybe you’re relying on him too much. Hypothetically speaking, it’s not his fault for the damage of your car but you’re just making excuses to be with him. You even set him as your emergency contact. It’s kinda tedious to be your roommate, you realize. All of those things aren’t mandatory and he can simply mind his own business without having to feel obligated because of the ‘roommates’ label yet he’d still choose you, over everything else. Perhaps he’s dealing with his own first world problems and forgot to leave you a message this time. 

Yeji inquires breezily, wiping a cup dry with a towel, “Also, are you going to BamBam’s party this weekend?”

“For me to carry your ass home after getting shitfaced and sit through another two-hour lecture from Lia? I’ll pass thank you very much.”

She indicates with a quirk of her perfectly dark brow, “What if I tell you that Minho’s gonna be there?” Now she sounds like she’s the one who’s crushing on Lee Minho and not you. Never knew that your friends can be this creepy but the more you learn… “Jisung just told me he found a plus one aka Mister Celebrity to attend that frat party with, you wouldn’t have the heart to let me be the loner right?” she pouts with her nose scrunched and it reminds you too much of Light Fury so you look away, knowing that you wouldn’t stand a goddamn chance if she kept this up.

“How is that my problem?” you merely roll your eyes, slightly annoyed. “And also, isn’t Jisung supposed to have his marketing class now?”

Yeji doesn’t give a damn about what on Earth Han Jisung is doing with his life so she just brushes your question off. “Would you let Minho drink irresponsibly?”

You nod without hesitation, though it feels wrong coming out of your mouth, “He can do whatever he wants...as long as my carpet remains clean after his hangover.”

“Would you let me drink irresponsibly?”

“The same goes for you,” you tell her monotonously. “And I only picked you up because Lia sounded like she was hyperventilating when you attended that one law brat’s birthday party. Na Jaemin, wasn’t it? Hate that guy, by the way.”

Yeji thinks it’s time for you to open up even more and not despise people that much. Having Lee Minho as your roommate is already a huge step-up but it’s not like there have been any modifications to your routine except the fact that another human being is simply enduring your bitchy ass of a loner. She wants you to be really out there, just not messing with shit like doing keg stands because Seo Changbin is a terrible influence. Woojin once had to drop his shift at the sushi place to drive Jeongin home because Changbin left him hanging on the beanbag chair for a game of beer pong. Jeongin has never gone to another single party since. 

“You hate literally everyone!” Yeji’s getting impatient, you can feel it.

“Are you telling me it’s my fault that people are shitty?” you bark, massaging the sides of your temple tiredly. You wish you could just drop the entirety of your current presentation to Yeji because your brain cells are already evaporating one by one into thin air.

She barks back, merely sneering, “C’mon! Y/N, it’s not like you ever have plans for the weekend.”

“But I’m having midterms on Monday, I didn’t spend my time on those notes for nothing.”

She shakes her head at you almost in disapproval. Sure, you’re a coward for backing out on this because BamBam’s no stranger to you. That Thai kid has been hanging out with Chan since middle school and he always offers to buy you coffee whenever you happen to drop by as they’re working on a project together. He’s a nice guy, but you don’t know him that well. Something in your gut is telling you that he has weird friends (he totally does). And you’re not about to overdrink only to blurt out an awful confession to Minho while being surrounded by a bunch of crackheads that aren’t in your social sphere.

“I heard kids are vapi-” Yeji stops herself, thinking she should just give up, and get ready for the next batch of sleep-deprived customers coming in at lunch break before Jeongin chucks an avocado at her direction for chit-chatting too much about your gigantic crush on Minho. “Nevermind, it’s not like you’d care anyway, have fun with reviewing I guess.” And with that, she leaves you alone with the cup of plain water to dump the used coffee grounds in the trash.

It takes you at least ten seconds to comprehend what she just said. And you’ve come up with a new yet very last-minute decision: screw midterm because you’re making sure that Lee Minho’s going home in one piece. 

Very timely, your phone buzzes on the wooden counter.

[10:38 AM]

lino | hey you still on campus?

three.

The blush scattered across your cheekbones just grows ten shades darker when you see Minho at the front gate leaning against his black Kawasaki; disheveled hair, hands stuffed inside his pockets, occasional puffs of smoke escaping his lips, and unbothered gaze. You’ve never told him this, you’re not telling him this now, and you’re never gonna tell him; but he looks stupidly good in that biker jacket. Again, you don’t get how someone can look this good early in the morning. 

“What are you doing here?” you murmur grimly, approaching him from behind. It feels like he’s doing this to your heart on purpose, without even trying. And those girls over there are making you very uncomfortable by eyeing your roommate up and down like he’s an expensive piece of steak with a gold leaf sticking to it.

Minho turns sideways and flashes you a smile; your little heart just did a perfect cartwheel because of that, it can only take so much. “Sorry, I kinda lost track of time, but I still promised to pick you up, didn’t I?” he says casually as your face morphs into a deep frown because you’re basically confused. The only problem is: you don’t even know why you’re confused. There’s this fluttering feeling at the pit of your stomach and now you feel as though someone just gives you a blow to the head when Minho looks straight into your eyes, brows slightly knitted together.

This is not healthy. 

“You didn’t answer my calls or my texts.”

Minho thinks you look cuter than usual when you’re silently fuming because you’re not the type to lash out on people. But it’s not so cute anymore when you threatened to flush his AirPods down the toilet that one time when he spilled ketchup on your carpet. He just hopes he doesn’t end up sleeping on the couch tonight like last time. 

“I put my phone on silent, as always,” he reminds you of how much of a pain in the ass it is to receive a call-back or a simple reply from him. 

You make a face, “Whatever, didn’t I tell you not to make a scene? Have you seen those chicks back there? They’re watching me as if I’m sabotaging their dreams of eating you alive.” Well, you can’t exactly blame your roommate for having girls gushing over him wherever he goes because...it’s his fault for looking like a snack all the time. 

Minho quickly detects how you’re not overly fond of his admirers and needless to say, he’s fairly amused. “Then let them,” he puts an arm over your shoulders and pulls you flushed against him, ruffling your hair. Moments later, you’re already hearing scandalous gasps along with hushed whispers going through your eardrums like a never-ending train. It’s really setting your nerves on fire. 

“Don’t you think that this is weird?”

“What?” Now it’s Minho who’s confused here. 

You slightly push him away and avert your gaze elsewhere to avoid eye contact. “We’re roommates, right?” you mumble, slightly unsure about...all of this. 

“Hmm, what about it?”

“Well, I don’t know…” you fiddle with the hem of your jacket and sigh. “What if people keep getting the wrong idea about us?” You sound somewhat regretful as if your decision of taking him in as your roommate was a mistake, as if you feel like it’s better off if he wasn’t in your life at all, as if the past month was completely meaningless. Since when did things become this complicated? It started with a harmless one-month contract and now Minho’s not sure of what he should do next. But that’s not it, is it? Maybe he’s just overthinking too much. 

He looks hesitant for a moment there, very not-Lee-Minho of him. “We’re still cool right?” Minho tilts his head to the side, the afternoon sunlight slips through fluffs of white clouds and brings the constellations in his warm brown eyes to life. Though he looks like a scolded child, you can’t help but want to put this moment into a frame and simply cherish it for the rest of your life. 

“Beats me,” you breathe out, silently hating yourself for not being able to get angry at him. It’s harder than you thought, really, and it doesn’t help when his eyes keep doing that thing to your poor little heart. “Make me pasta and we’re good,” you end up chuckling when Minho’s expression turns a solid three hundred and sixty at the offer.

“That’s not a very smart move for a business major, your loss,” he replies with a goofy smile, tossing the helmet that he got you yesterday in your direction. And if you pay attention enough, you can almost see Minho exhaling out of relief. But you’re too busy staring at the ground to douse yourself in your own giddiness to notice. “Oh crap, I think I left my wallet at Hyunjin’s,” he tells you after swinging a leg over on his shiny vehicle. 

You narrow your eyes at him, “You don’t need your wallet to make me pasta now do you?”

“By the way, are you going to BamBam’s party?”

“Only if you’re going,” you scratch the bridge of your nose with your ring finger, a little embarrassed to admit that he’s the only reason why you’re ditching midterms. 

Minho’s hearty laugh fills your eardrums, shit-eating grin and all. “If it makes you feel better, Chan’s driving us,” he voices without looking at you, but your chest still swells either way. 

You fucking hate how you have the softest spot for him. 

four.

You’re already regretting this although you’ve only been sitting in Chan’s back seats for less than twenty minutes. Crankiness takes over your body as a result of reviewing for the whole afternoon, your eyelids are getting droopy, and your head seems to be all too big for your neck at this rate. More reasons for you to not drink tonight. 

“Ugh, why am I even here?” you groan, and Jisung scrunches his nose, slightly alarmed because you’re not usually this loud unless you’re high on caffeine. 

Minho tells you in the most lighthearted way possible, “Because you love me.” 

You wish you could just put his head through a wall because everything and anything coming out of his mouth are never healthy for your mind, or heart. “Uhm, no I don’t.”

“But you did confess your love to me,” he singsongs as if he just hit a jackpot with his lottery ticket, angling his head to toss you a wink. “I have receipts, ma’am. They’re right here, in my heart.” Minho’s never seen you so giddy before so he recorded everything, but he’s not planning on putting himself on a chopping block by telling you that. 

You shove his arm and purse your lips, flaming cheeks but the car’s too dark for him to see it. “I was sick, asshole, I talk shit more when I have a fever than when I’m drunk,” you defend yourself helplessly, not enjoying the fact that he had to bring it up when you’re in a confined space with Seo Changbin and Han Jisung. 

“Minho doesn’t like it when Y/N raises her voice.” Great, now he’s talking in third person. 

“What are you even? Four?”

He winks at you, “Baby me, baby.”

“Oh my god shut the fuck up and get away from me!”

“You’ll never get rid of me, baby.” Eventually, you give up because you’re too mentally exhausted and there’s still a long night ahead of you. You’re not wasting your energy in pointless arguments with him because you both yell at each other on a daily basis anyway. 

“Maybe he’ll zip it if you tell him that you love him,” Jisung suggests innocently with a not-so-innocent look on his face. He’s already acting dumb when he’s this fucking sober so you’re not looking forward to two hours later when vodka’s practically replaced his own blood. 

“I’d rather chew off my own foot.” Changbin snorts involuntarily at your stiff remark, Chan mutters a small ‘ouch’ while Jisung’s too busy laughing his ass off. And a demeaning silence descends after that. 

Minho’s right next to you, oddly unresponsive to the situation, his head leaning against your shoulder as he gazes dejectedly out the window. You don’t see how stormy his eyes are. He also misses his motorcycle tremendously because Chan’s the safest (slowest) driver to ever exist. No joke, if he keeps going at the pace of thirty miles per hour then you should just skip the party and watch a movie while getting drunk at his place altogether. 

“Can you go any fucking slower?”

“Excuse me?” Chan laughs in disbelief, he’s a little offended because he personally thinks he’s a good driver, maybe a little bit too obedient when it comes to the law. Hey, at least you know you’re in good hands. “I’m not trying to get us all killed before BamBam could poison one of you guys.” 

Jisung purses his lips as he’s reminded of the last party where he ran into that Thai dude. He gave him a plastic cup, telling him that it’s merely a harmless fruity vodka only for Jisung to get kicked out by an Uber driver after throwing up in the back seats. Turns out, the lemons and oranges in the cocktail were relatively spoilt. 

“I’m gonna die from boredom before we could even get into a car accident,” Minho informs him unconstructively, staring at some random notifications from Instagram of people commenting on his cats’ photos, text messages from his mom and swipes them all away. Mostly to chuckle to himself like a moron because of his lock screen. Yes, your stupid face is still on there after three weeks and you don’t know if you should be crying or laughing.

Chan narrows his eyes at the rear-view mirror, “It seems like you’re entertaining yourself just fine by looking at Y/N’s face.” 

“This photo does make me laugh because it’s priceless,” the younger boy states without turning his head to look at you. “But still, bored.” 

The car grows silent again soon after because Chan’s already been stressed out enough from traffic since clearly, people can’t drive to save their own lives. But it’s not like your friends can keep their mouths shut for the rest of the trip anyway. 

“Boreddd,” Minho voices randomly while a J.One’s song is blasting through the speaker. It’s a terribly soft song and it doesn’t help when Minho feels like he can downright sleep through an earthquake, potentially falling into an enormous crack on the Earth’s surface and still being able to nap like there’s no tomorrow. He’s just glad that Jisung grew out of ‘Wow’ and embraces his awkward self through his own music. It’s..sentimental but what’s a J.One song without that element?

Changbin looks up from his phone for half a second, wholly uninterested. “Then shut up and sleep,” he says expressionlessly. Very timely, his most recent track comes up next on the playlist and he starts rapping along with it. Minho thinks he can really use a good eye shut as SpearB is performing live right behind him because Changbin can only stay sober like this for so long until he gets his hands on one of BamBam’s sketchy-looking concoctions. 

You’re starting to get bored too at this rate because usually, during times like this when the car is filled with nothing but music and everyone (except for the driver) feels like they’re falling into a food coma, a certain idiot will—

“Y/N, don’t you have a midterm on Monday?” Ah, there it is. 

Jisung bends himself forward and drapes an arm over the leather seat, scrunching his nose at the sight of Minho sleeping soundly against your shoulder. He’s still bitter about the fact that Minho refuses to drive anyone other than you with his motorcycle for some reason. Exclusive things are always so annoying. 

You exhale deeply because Jisung reminds you of that one kid who always asks questions that stress the hell out of the teachers back in high school. Would it kill for him to just shut up once in a while? 

“I do, and I haven’t got a wink of sleep since yesterday afternoon,” you tell him rather lazily, shifting when Minho snuggles himself closer to you, his hair tickling your jawline. You pray he doesn’t know how fast your heart is beating. “A little alcohol might spare me a night of crying myself to sleep.” 

Jisung lets his bottom lip stuck out like he’s a fucking five-year-old not allowed to get his favorite ice-cream flavor. “Aww, you should have asked Minho for cuddles then, pretty sure he’d be more than happy to—,” he remarks sarcastically and you wish you could just throw him in the middle of an intersection. He’s lucky because Minho’s a heavy sleeper or he would have been knocked senseless or something. The last thing Chan needs is being forced to pull over for having wild animals wrestle the shit out of each other in his vehicle. 

“Hey, fuck off,” you snarl at him, knowing you should have chosen the passenger seat instead. That way, you wouldn’t be fuming inside because you can’t physically strangle Han Jisung to his imminent death. He has already tattooed that image into the back of your brain and you swear you’ve never heard a creepier chuckle from your friend. 

Jisung notices the coral tint on your cheeks and sneers, leaning back against his seat. “Yeah right, as if you’re actually gonna get drunk,” he says snarkily. “You’re just gonna be there to prevent Lee Minho from making bad decisions.” 

“I decided to come because Yeji wanted me-“

“Yeji who? In what world will you have time for her when you’re too busy staring at Minho like a total creep? Wanna bet ten bucks?” 

That’s bullshit because Lee Minho is already your entire world. 

Chan butts in, “Make that fifty.”

Changbin raises his hand, “I’d bet my Tesla.” Your friends really spelled out ‘a bunch of fucking clowns’ in bold, gigantic capital letters and you’re this close to facepalm yourself against Chan’s steering wheel. This is why you don’t go to parties with them that often because you’re stuck with cleanup duties with Seungmin until these crackheads grow out of their amateur drinking habits. 

“You’re just jealous because he would rather call you an Uber than give you a lift himself,” you say pointedly and Jisung lets out the loudest, most scandalous gasp. So dramatic. 

“You,” he jabs a finger at you, eyes wide in accusation. “Need a nap.”

You laugh dryly, ignoring the urge to snap a picture of his flabbergasted expression and turn it into a new meme for your group chat. “You don’t say, Han, you don’t say.”

And Changbin rolls his eyes over the moon, vividly picturing where this disastrous conversation is gonna go. Basically, he wants you to get shitfaced as soon as you step foot into BamBam’s house so he’ll have a sappy, drunk confession video to toss on Twitter tonight because Woojin just posted a picture of him with a drumstick dipped inside a glass of what looks like a watered-down Margarita. He’s highly concerned since there hasn’t been anything juicy on his feed other than his friends creeping people out with their questionable content. 

“If you two don’t end up getting drunk and kiss, I’m gonna be pissed,” Changbin says casually as if it’s just an afterthought. This prompts you to chuck your phone in his direction—you can care less about your screen protector at this point if it means stopping him from taunting you further. 

He asserts like a snake, “Hey, remember that time where you tripped over Kkami and totally crushed Minho under your weight?”

“I blame gravity for that.”

“But Albert Einstein said you can’t blame gravity for falling in love.”

“Who cares about Albert Einstein?!” you whisper-shout harshly, cautiously eyeing Minho’s sleeping figure. He scrunches his nose and murmurs something that you can’t quite hear before turning over to face you completely. His arms unexpectedly slip underneath yours like second nature. He furrows his eyebrows occasionally, other times he’d be grinning like an idiot and his lips are slightly agape, full eyelashes framing his eyes beautifully. Sometimes you wonder how weird his dreams are whenever you caught him talking (and cursing) in his slumber. 

Changbin wants to pry aloud when you start staring at Minho for too long; he might as well be tossed on the freeway at this point before exasperation squeezes the little amount of oxygen left out of his chest. This is worse than Hyunjin’s terrible rom coms. He props his head onto his hand in boredom as Chan pulls over and turns off the engine. “Hey we’re here, why not wake your prince up with a kiss—”

“I’m gonna kick your ass,” you threaten. 

Now there are two distasteful tattoos at the back of your head. And you will not hesitate for a heartbeat sacrificing the entirety of your bank account to get them removed. To get Lee Minho removed from your mind.

If only it were that easy.  

“Mhmm,” the figure beside you lets out a low grunt and hugs your arm closer instinctively. His warmth seeps through the fabric of your denim jacket and sets your heart on fire. You’re ready to flick his forehead any second now to interrupt his slumber but before you could even do anything, Seo Changbin aggressively opens the door and you widen your eyes in horror. Where the fuck did he get a megaphone? And what for?

“Bitch wake up! Those drinks aren’t gonna finish themselves!”

It’d be a miracle if you ended up finding him alive by dawn. 

five.

“Y/N you ass, give it back!

“No, we’ve only been here for three hours and this is your fifth cup already,” you tell her in a mildly serious tone before dumping her cup of whatever the fuck of a yellow substance that Ryujin gave her ten minutes ago into the sink. 

Yeji plops herself onto the sofa in the living room after you drag her out of the kitchen where people are making out on the marble counter. Glad to see nothing’s changed...idiots. “God, you’re such a party pooper, I shouldn’t have told you to come,” she complains in between small hiccups, alcohol tinting her cheeks beet red. 

“I’m here to save your ass and this is how you’re repaying me?” Your question didn’t come out as coherent and threatening as you imagined and every single cell inside your body is shaking for no specific reason. 

Your friend narrows her eyes down into a mere glare like a detective in those crimes shows that you spend way too much time on and you’re debating whether you should be laughing or pissing yourself. She fucking knows that you’re lying. She fucking knows the sole reason for you to be here. “Give me a break, it’s not like you’re doing anything besides staring at your boyfriend from afar,” Yeji scoffs dejectedly. 

“God forbids ‘Lee Minho’ and ‘my boyfriend’ go in the same sentence,” you grit, subconsciously averting your gaze around the living room to spot your roommate. All he’s been doing is being held back by Chan when he tried to murder Changbin once, catching up with his old friends from high school and hanging out with some of his classmates, ranting about how much he dreads Kim’s eight AM, gushing with Hyunjin over some senior’s choreography set. By the looks of it, Jisung must have handed him at least seven of those red party cups from the bar—thanks to BamBam who keeps restocking them every hour. 

Yeji chuckles creepily when the alcohol finally hits her hard, you think you just got chills by the way that she’s leaning closer. “Of course not,” she hiccups into your ear, words slurred, “Lee Minho’s not my boyfriend, he’s your boyfriend.” You look at her in the eye, and mentally regret your life choices. How insufferable. 

“I mean, seriously,” she slams her body back onto the couch and groans; you can’t tell if it’s out of frustration or the cushion is too soft for her back. “It’s like you’re living the life of the main protagonist in a Harry Styles fanfiction! Do you know how many girls and boys would kill to live in the same apartment as that?” Her index finger is pointed directly at the person you’ve been watching and avoiding all night, across the room with a dart in his hand as he stands in front of the dartboard. 

“Were you aiming for the board or were you plotting to kill me? Because I can’t tell! I-can’t-fucking-tell!” Changbin shouts over the music and you momentarily cringe at the crack in his voice; it’s never a college party without one of your friends riling each other up over the dumbest things. And also, who thinks it’s a good idea to lend an unstable Lee Minho a sharp object of any kind?

You look away as heat flares through your nostrils when Minho accidentally glances at you after laughing at some corny joke that Chan made. He’s more than mildly hammered right now, you suppose, because, well, Chan can only make people laugh when they’re exceptionally drunk. 

A stupid question then slips out of your lips. “With what?” It sounds like you only have one brain cell and are perpetually dumb. It makes you feel even dumber when there’s nothing but a can of Coke inside your body. 

“A hottie who dances, cooks, has a good sense of humor, lowkey a genius, highkey a tsundere, shares a name with a famous actor. Far more handsome than the actor himself, if I dare.” Yeji has no hesitation whatsoever naming every reason as to why people on campus shamelessly throw themselves at your roommate on a daily basis. And now your head grows ten times fuzzier, floating mundanely in the clouds above. Basically, you feel like you’re drunk—except your confidence isn’t sky high enough to do something stupid—which makes no absolute sense. 

The silver-haired girl next to you puts an arm around your neck and giggles, you’re highly perturbed that her vocal cords are gonna give in tomorrow when she convinces you through FaceTime that you should be extra careful with your notes since she won’t be showing up to class. “Oh! And he has three cats, right? Cat people are said to be more intuitive and thoughtful, that’s a bonus,” Yeji asserts and your jaw is on the floor at this rate. She doesn’t even spare him a second glance during lunch break and she already knows this much?

No wonder Minho never talked about his cats with Felix and Seungmin again.

“I bet you read that off a Buzzfeed article.” 

“Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong!”

You inhale and exhale deeply, linking your fingers together, “Yeah, but that’s all people will ever see.”

“Well, what else can they like about him?”

“I don’t know,” you say bluntly, but the rouge on your cheeks is anything but ‘blunt’. “They don’t see how stuck-up he is, how he loves hogging the blanket all to himself, how he secretly stocks up a stash of trashy snacks. They don’t see the way his eyes sparkle when he looks into their eyes during a conversation because he’s actually a very attentive listener.”

Yeji pats your back without turning her head, slightly amused, “I think you meant how he looks into your eyes during a conversation.”

Your eyes scan the room one more time to find Minho hugging his stomach from laughing too much, there are actual tears in his eyes because Changbin just lost a bet and apparently he has to belly flop himself into the pool as a punishment. You haven’t seen him this happy in a while, even when he’s potentially dying from a really bad stomachache but it still puts your heart at ease knowing he’s having fun tonight. 

Needless to say, he always knocks the breath right out of your lungs without much effort. Even when he’s ditched the leather jacket and ripped jeans, you still think no one looks better than him in a large t-shirt and sweatpants. 

“But I don’t get it,” Yeji looks over at you this time, real carefully because your tone just grows firmer and more serious. “How can he just stand there, laugh...and look so beautiful?”

“I told you—”

“Yeah that’s exactly what I need to hear right now, Yeji,” you facepalm almost immediately, highly disappointed in yourself. 

Jisung’s getting his ten dollars on Monday when you surprise him with two slices of cheesecake from his favorite dessert place. Changbin can keep his Tesla and Chan...Chan isn’t getting anything.

You push yourself off the blue velvet couch and groan, you’re getting sore quickly because the cushions are far too soft. “Let me get some fresh air, I feel like I’m gonna to lose my mind,” you tell your friend but you doubt that she caught it since the music is all too loud for students to communicate properly. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why fistfights during parties are a thing. 

“Uhm, wait,” Yeji tugs onto your sleeve and jerks her head towards the direction of Minho. “I’m sorry but what the hell does your boyfriend want now?”

“Huh where—“

Like..three feet away. Or a whole lot closer. 

“Why didn’t you answer my texts?” And you find Minho standing in front of you with his arms crossed stubbornly, eyebrows knitted together and tinted pink cheeks. He looks a little pissed off, and you don’t think you’re both on the same page here. 

When you give him a ‘what do you mean’ look, your roommate feels the need to unlock his phone and jab his index finger against his poor crusty screen as he shows you at least fifty messages that he’s been spamming in the last half an hour. This reminds you of the yellow Post-It note that Minho violently smacked onto your fridge the very night when he first moved in. 

‘I hereby fucking declare that if we did end up going to the same party (doubt btw), we would keep our phones with us 25/8 so one can save the other’s ass from stupid decisions— lee minho’ he wrote. Minho knows all too well the only ass that needs to be saved is his. And you’ve thought about taking the note down several times but you don’t think you’d have the heart to. 

“Oh,” your head draws a blank canvas and you look for your phone in your pocket. But then, “I left my phone in Chan’s car.”

Minho rolls his eyes at you and decides that he’s too impatient to wait for Chan to sober up and remember where he left his keys. “Whatever,” he manages to crack a small smile, one that shines through the dimmed LED light on the ceiling and makes your heart stuck in your throat. “Let’s get out of here, I have something to tell you.” 

“Hey hey hey,” Yeji tries to get up from the couch but her limbs are too wobbly. “You can’t just tap out all of a sudden and steal her from me like that. Don’t even think for a minute you second rate—”

“Yeah, no, she’s mine.”

You’re downright baffled. But you’re not sure if it’s because of what he said ten seconds ago and your heart is going haywire, your brain cells are giving in on you or it’s because he’s tugging you by the wrist and piloting you through the impending chaos of sloppy college students. 

You’re not sure if you want to know. You’re not sure if you’re ready. 

six.

Fall arrives sooner than you thought and it almost makes you miss summer. Though you didn’t really have anything exciting besides an internship that refrained you from living on YouTube for too long. 

The evening is oddly cold, but you’ve never had a problem with the tips of your fingers growing chilly. It’s different tonight—it’s the kind of coldness that slips through your flesh and into your bones, coming in contact with the thumping force of your heart, causing it to shiver. There’s nothing to do but keep your gaze straight forward, your feet moving on their own with the one and only goal of heading home. Clouds with the murky color of wet ashes pass by, and the ground as its dank reflection—a reminder of how humanity is ruining the planet. 

The streets are so quiet and tranquil; you’re afraid that Minho might be able to hear your heartbeat. Now you’re pointing a finger at society in accusation because it’s the weekend yet no elder couples are taking their night strolls, no middle-aged ladies in fluffy jackets are walking their spoiled teacups dogs and no wasted college students are roaming the streets with ‘trouble’ spelled out on their forehead. Really, you’d rather stare at people in a creepy way and zone out than constantly thinking about Lee Minho when he’s right beside you. 

This is terribly suffocating and you don’t think if you can keep this up in the next thirty minutes until both of you get home and melt into the comfort of your bed. 

“Sober up, Mister Celebrity, that’s too much fun for tonight.” Minho winces slightly when you press a can of cold green tea against his cheeks as he’s about to doze off on the wooden bench next to the vending machine. While he’s taking a swig, you feel a silent obligation to take a seat but your eyes are determinedly fixed on the curb. 

The bench suddenly feels far too big and the night breeze is far too cold for Minho’s liking, so he shifts his body closer, fingers brushing over yours and sending electricity down your spine. “What do you mean?” he scoffs, finding it hard to not look at you so his gaze is temporarily glued onto the can of green tea in his palms. “Tonight was nothing compared to Jisung’s birthday.” He can still feel the remaining warmth from your hands, it makes him wonder how it’d feel to actually hold them. 

“Ugh, god,” you shake your head in disbelief, internally cringing. “Don’t even remind me.”

You still don’t know what Hyunjin fed him that day to the point he couldn’t remember what happened. All hell broke loose Felix posted a video of him pretending to be a stupid ostrich and trying to do a mating dance towards Jisung on Twitter. No one dares to talk about that scarred video since. Now that he’s reminded you of it, you wish you didn’t own brain cells in the first place. This is why the internet is scary. 

“What is it that you wanted to tell me anyway?” 

Minho stops for a second at your question and places his beverage down on the bench. He stares distantly at the space ahead as if he’s fighting with himself inside his own head, seriously contemplating something. It’s come to your attention that this isn’t very like his usual self. Minho never hesitates for a second when he has something in mind. Even when he knows that you might rip his head off.

He exhales deeply, turns his head, and makes direct eye contact with you for what seems like an eternity. His eyes are as wide open and honest as a child’s, they possess something so much more the longer you stare at them. A warmth, safety. Your heart is gonna combust if he doesn’t get this over with soon. 

Then, “I think I forgot to put yeast in the batter.” Wait what?

“Minho!” you punch his arm, earning a low grunt from the blond-haired boy. “Don’t fucking scare me like that!” He’s looking at you as though your eyes are turning red with rage and smoke is coming out of your ears, scared for his own life but truthfully, you’re just relieved. Surprisingly. 

“Wait, so you’re not mad?” he asks you with a wide-eyed expression, trying way too hard to keep a straight face. “Aren’t we supposed to bring homemade bread for the get together at the nursing home tomorrow?”

“Old people still enjoy Bingo for some reason, they can have that instead of bread.” His mouth forms a small ‘o’ as he scoots closer to you and you can tell that he reeks off alcohol, which is making you a little dizzy. When your gaze falls elsewhere but Lee Minho, you attempt to appear casual, “But if you wanna bake so badly, I can still pull an all-nighter and start over with you.” That was doable, but you could have done better—should have sounded like you didn’t really care. 

Minho flings his bangs away from his face and tosses his head back, chuckling breathlessly. “Don’t you have a midterm to stress over instead of me? I don’t want you to pick out every single strand of hair on your head after baking with me.” He finally said something nice once in a while, you sorta appreciate it. “It’d be embarrassing when my parents FaceTime me and see you as bald as my great grandfather.” Nevermind, he’s still the same old jerk. 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you’ll be moving out in two weeks, either way, right?” Your tone sounds sad and grim all of a sudden; it really dampens the atmosphere because Minho is now looking at you with concern laced in his brown eyes. “Look, I get that it’s bothersome to be my roommate so there’s no need to feel bad. I’ll be fine going back to my old life where my feet don’t get cold in the middle of the night because no one would be there to hog the blanket anymore.”

Minho feels the need to clear things up here. “I never said anything about moving out,” he grabs you by the shoulders and hopes you could just look at him when he’s being serious for once. “Y/N, who even said anything about moving out? Was it the landlord?”

“No,“ you say, still not willing to face him directly. You’re such a coward. 

“If so, why would I move out? Did I do something wrong? Did I piss you off or something?”

You’re trying so hard not to snap at this point. “No!”

“Then why can’t you just fucking look at me?!”

“You’re still drunk, let me buy you another—“

Minho shakes you forcefully, hoping to knock some common sense into that brain of yours. “For fuck’s sake, I’m not drunk!” he cries helplessly, not caring about the fact that he’s waking up every cat possible in the neighborhood. “Just- just look at me, will you?”

You stubbornly keep your eyes anywhere but him. “Why would I look at your stupid face?”

“Don’t bullshit me, Y/N. You’re not usually like this.”

Every single cell inside your body quivers simultaneously when he says so—good god, no, he’s testing you. Minho knows something’s off. Now to think about it again, you’d rather let him dirty your carpet than being put on trial like this.

“You wanna know why I’m acting like this? It’s because of you! You’re making me nervous! It’s your fault for making me feel this way!”

“What?” he blurts, eyes blinking numerous times in disbelief. “What did I ever do to you?”

“God, Minho, you can’t possibly be this dense. Tell me, that you’ve never, not even once, seen me turning beet red when you simply look at me in the eye. Or when you’re just sitting there, laughing your ass off about something stupid. It makes my heart flutter, okay? You make my heart flutter. Do you know how much of an effect you can have on me? You don’t go around juggling with others’ feelings like that,” your voice grows smaller and smaller towards the end until there’s nothing but an oddly comfortable silene floating midair. A sense of relief washes over you; you unknowingly exhale.

Minho stares at you in awe for a moment there, until he also speaks up for himself. “Maybe you should take your own advice,” he almost snickers, and this causes you to peel your gaze away from a random bush to gawk at his response. “You’re telling me to not go around juggling with others’ feelings? If anything, you’re the one who keeps messing with my heart. What am I supposed to do? Not get drunk so that I won’t be able to get away for doing dumb things?”

“What dumb things?”

“I don’t know, kiss you?”

“Fuck, you can’t get away with it this time now, can you?”

You’re already regretting this and there’s no turning back. Because when Minho subconsciously runs his tongue over his bottom lips, you’re already fighting the rouge spreading on your cheekbones. He shortens the distance between your heads until your lips are practically a breath away from his. Impatient, you grab a fistful of his shirt to smash your lips against his. Minho stays frozen for a nanosecond, taken aback by your boldness before pulling you closer by the waist. You’re hesitant at first, but he guides you through it, telling you that it’s okay by embracing you more tightly. Dear god, Minho’s kissing you and the world just falls away. It’s slow, comforting in ways that words can never be. He slackens his jaw to deepen the kiss, smiling into it when giddiness bubbles up inside his stomach. 

The world still feels like it’s spinning when he parts away, an alcoholic taste mixed with the green tea ghosts your lips, and your face grows ten times hotter. Even in this cracked darkness, Minho sees you blush hard and is fully aware that his cheeks are mirroring yours—he doesn’t even bother to convince himself that it’s from the alcohol, because it isn’t. 

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Minho questions though his breath is still a bit shaky from the kiss. He really didn’t lie when he said that he could never stop bothering you. 

You can’t help but smile at him brightly; this causes his heartbeat to spike inside his chest. “Well, do I have to?” He shakes his head and stares down at your hands until he musters up every strand of courage left to finally intertwine them with his own. Fits like a glove. 

“Come on, let’s go home,” he tells you softly, eyes crinkling into a pretty crescent moon shape. But you stop him right there when he attempts to stand up and wordlessly lean your forehead against his. Minho understands that you simply need a moment so you both hover right there, simply melting into each other’s touch. But what you say next just makes the ignited passion inside his heart flare-up. He’s at a loss for words, utterly speechless. 

“I am home.”

“Welcome home then, Y/N,” Minho whispers.

Everything feels like a dream that you’d never want to wake up from. His hands are clasped on either side of your face, resting just below the lobes of your ears. His thumbs gently caress your cheeks so that you won’t drift away, your breaths mingling. Never before has your own name made your heart flutter. But you guess it’s only because Minho said it. You do know that it’s not an afterthought, nor out of impulse. It’s a promise, for whatever’s coming your way on this path, he’s never gonna leave you behind. And the moment he feels that thing beating inside his chest is in sync with yours, he slowly leans in again.

Albert Einstein once said you can’t blame gravity for falling in love. And you have every right to argue with him in the afterlife because you’ve confirmed that Minho is your gravity. Gravity keeps you grounded, always get a hold of you so that you won’t ever have to wander off too far away. It’s there for you but it doesn’t have to act like it cares. Minho’s kinda like that too—he picked you up every time you said you’re good walking home, he only stocked up the stash of candies to secretly feed your midnight cravings. They only differ so much where his heartbeat for you is loud, undaunted and he loves you fearlessly; nothing shall meddle with his feelings for you as long as the way your eyes light up when they meet his doesn’t change. 

Before you met Minho, you didn’t know that it was possible to just look at someone and smile for no reason. The way his lips curl up when he smiles, his sarcastic remarks, his kindhearted nature though he’s awfully good at hiding it. That’s what people do when they’re in love, they say—to fawn over the littlest things but they’re what makes you fall so hard for him. But as time passes by, you’ve learned that it’s actually quite nice to be in love with someone. Because then, you get to spend your time and effort on their happiness as well, not just your own. In exchange, that person is capable of bringing colors to your dull world, tearing down your walls, and showing you just how beautiful life can be. Surely, Minho might not stay by your side forever in this crazy game of Monopoly but you’d risk it all for him even if the sky comes crashing and the universe turns upside down. 

After all, you can’t love alone. 

#stayshub #skzwritersclub #stray kids lee know #stray kids scenarios #lee know imagines #stray kids imagines #lee know scenarios #stray kids minho #minho roommate au #minho college au #lino fic #lee minho #lee know #college au #roommate au

[obxdrewseph]

Hard to Love - Rafe Cameron

Description: Pushing away people came easy to you. You pushed away your friends when they urged you to get out more and you pushed away your family when they urged you to eat more. You felt like a burden to everyone and you didn’t want that. You were hard to love with your harsh attitude and pickiness. Once Rafe Cameron, your new friend and classmate, tries to convince you to give him a chance, you wonder what it would mean to be a girlfriend-- someone who gives love and receives it... you wonder: are you even capable of being loved? 

so this is sort of a continuation of High Maintenance, but also can be read as a standalone? I thought it would be interesting to explore the romantic relationship that didn’t get to develop in that fic ... so here ya go! :D

--------

Being your friend was hard, but being your boyfriend was much harder (not that you had one yet, just for future reference). 

Being your friend was hard because you cancelled plans last minute because of chronic pain/aching or because you were going through a depressive episode that made you unable to socialize. 

No one talks about the mental side of physical pain. 

Trust me, you wouldn’t be nice either if you were hungry half of the day and in pain the other half. 

You didn’t want your diet to define you, yet it was like you revolved your entire life around your meal times. 

You pushed your friends away who wouldn’t do enough research on your condition. You obviously didn’t expect them to look up everything about it, but when they gave you food you couldn’t eat or asked you to go on hikes you couldn’t trek without feeling dizzy (or even fainting), you couldn’t help but distance yourself. 

You didn’t want to share all your negativity with them; they didn’t deserve that. 

You were used to being the rock of your group; not exactly the mom friend, but the happy, funny friend everyone went to for a laugh or to have fun. You weren’t the one with problems. You didn’t get to be that person. 

You didn’t want to be that person. 

“I’m a fucking idiot!” You shouted at no one in particular.

“We know!” 

You glared at the girl standing in the hallway who happened to be your best friend and your house mate. You and 3 other girls decided to stay in apartment together for your freshman year and you never regretted your decision. You could never live in the dorms with people making noise all day and night. 

You were already agitated all the time. 

“Go away, Ames.” 

The girl sighed. 

“I made some rice krispies. Do you want some?” 

Yes.

“No. I’m not hungry.” 

That was a lie. 

“Ok, well then why are you so upset today?” 

You paused, wondering if you should confide in her. Despite you guys being best friends, you never truly felt like you could confide in anyone. It was a fucking miracle that you spilled so much to Rafe Cameron, a boy you never thought would become one of your best friends. You honestly thought he would leave you the second you got off that wooden bench, yet you two hang out all the time.

You decided to give her a lighthearted version of what you were feeling.

“I’m not it’s just... random question: am I high maintenance?” You asked finally.

The girl snorted. 

“Yeah, everyone knows that.” 

Your heart sank. You were starting to hate that joke. You knew you had a lot of dietary restrictions and people had to work around what you ate, and before you didn’t mind that, but now you hated when people did that for you. 

You just wanted people to stop asking you out to eat or asking you to hang out. You just wanted people to leave you alone. 

“Fuck you.” You said laughing, it was fake. But she didn’t need to know that.

“Whatever, is that all you wanted to ask?” 

“Nope, I wanted to ask are you still having your bachorlette party next Saturday?”

“Yup, you better be there! No ditching me for whoever old lady author you wanted to see.”

You bristled at her harsh tone and flinched when she slammed your door shut so that you couldn’t argue with her. 

You heard her soft footsteps fade away which allowed you to slip back into your negative feelings. 

All you could think about is that if your best friend didn’t even want to deal with you or fully understand you, how could anyone else? 

---------

“Hello~ Earth to y/n?”

A black line skitted across your face, snapping you out of your trance. You swatted at the pencil floating in front of your face with an angry look.

You were currently in the library, working hard on your essay that seemed like it would never end.

“What do you want?” You snapped.

You were in the middle of focusing your attention on a small dot at the back of the room. You did this to try to take your attention off of the discomfort in your stomach. You wouldn’t exactly call it pain, but it didn’t feel great.

The poor boy’s eyes drooped at your anger.

“Um, sorry you just were spacing out.”

“Well, don’t interrupt my space outs.”

“Got it.”

Why were you being so mean? You never were like this before you got diagnosed. You were so irritable all the time and felt anger build up in you faster than expected.

It wasn’t fair to the boy sitting across from you.

Rafe Cameron.

The boy was dedicated, you could give him that.

You didn’t expect much from the obviously Southern boy who sat next to you in a Shakespeare class. You felt like you were sitting on pins and needles until Rafe started talking to you; you didn’t know why you took a male-dominant class. You weren’t used to talking to guys so often, but you wanted to push yourself. Get out of your comfort zone you embraced so much in high school.

After he apologized for being a dick about eating standards, you easily started to fall for him a bit more.

But that didn’t matter.

His feelings wouldn’t last.

They never did.

“Um, are you okay?” Rafe finally said. You wanted to snap at him once again, but when you saw his concerned blue eyes, you lost your bite. 

You forced a smile. “I’m fine, just a bit tired.” If you had a nickel for every time you gave that excuse, you’d be a billionaire.

“Oh, then we should finish here.”

“No!”

You said abruptly. He lifted a brow.

“No?”

When he saw your face turn a soft pink color, his eyes lit up and he softly bit his lip. He knew what he did to you.

“Um... no, it’s ok. I can still study. I’m ... I’m mostly just upset because I wanted to go to this book signing that’s like a week from now, but I have to go to my friend’s bachelorette party. I really love this author, but I won’t get to see her and she rarely goes on tour... But it’s fine, I’ll get over it and studying helps me keep my mind off things.” You shrugged. 

Yes, your friends were getting married that young. You simultaneously loved and hated your friends. You seemed to always be dropping things you loved for them, but you knew they wouldn’t do the same for you. 

Your friends were great to live with, harder to be friends with. Plus, two were avid bakers and another was an aspiring chef. You hated all of the temptations of their baked goods. 

He laughed at your nerdy confession which rubbed you the wrong way. He stopped laughing when he saw your dark expression.

“Sorry, I was only laughing because I totally get that. There are some authors that just leave an impact on you and you would die to meet them. And plus, those parties are lame. All they do is drink and drink and drink, which you can’t do because it’s not on the low fodmap diet.” 

Well, boy definitely did his research. 

“Exactly! Finally, someone who understands.” You turned your head away so he wouldn’t see you blush-- it wasn’t because you were shy, but it always happened when you got excited about something. 

He nodded and saw your head wobble. A sharp pain fluttered through your head. You probably needed to eat something. 

“Are you... hungry?” The boy said hesitantly.

This got you in the mood to be mean again.

“No, I’ll tell you when I get hungry, Rafe.”

The bite in his words made him move away from you. You hated this. You wanted someone to comfort you, but you pushed everyone away.

Self-sabotage was your middle name.

--------

You felt a warm hand softly tap your shoulder. 

“Library closes in less than 10 minutes.” Rafe whispered to you. 

Shit, I fell asleep. 

You lifted your head and saw the once full library empty out. 

“Shit. I fell asleep.” You said your thoughts. 

Rafe chuckled. God, you loved his laugh so much.

“Yeah, I know. You look cute when you sleep.” 

You smiled, but can’t believe you fell asleep in public. You weren’t the type to let your guard down so easily. When did you get this tired? When did you become this weak?

You felt your stomach rumble silently, signaling your hunger. 

“Um, do you wanna get out of here and get some food?” 

You began to say no, but he stopped you.

“Ok, let me ask that once again, do you want to get out of here and I can cook you food?” 

You felt anxiety build up in your chest. You never trusted other people to cook for you. You had this irrational fear that people would deliberately try to sabotage your meals, but truly people just didn’t know what you can and can’t eat. 

“Uh... you know.”

“Yes, I know, strict diet. I’ll look it all up to be safe.” 

You were going to say no, but you wanted this so badly. You just wanted to hang out with a really cute and nice guy without feeling abnormal. It was almost 11pm, but you weren’t going to pass up the chance to hang out with him.

“Ok, take me to your place.”

-------

His apartment was dark and organized. You tried not to laugh at the display of books on the ground... you definitely needed to get him a bookshelf. 

“Do the books feel better on the ground or something?” You teased. 

“Yup, they need their sleep too.” 

He nudged you on the shoulder to let you know he was joking. 

“Oh, and watch the hiking supplies. I went last weekend and haven’t had time to clean it up since I’m going on Sunday again.” 

Hiking... 

“You like to hike?” 

The boy nodded, his face brightening. “Yup, I’m an outdoorsy kind of guy. Love hiking, going to the beach, sports, all that jazz.” 

You nodded, not relating to any of that. 

You looked around, but realized there were only two doors, and one leading to the bathroom. 

“Oh, you live alone?” 

You fiddled with the hem of your shirt nervously.

“Yeah... is that ok?” He asked softly. 

Yes, yes, it’s more than ok.

“Of course! It’s just I don’t know many sophomores who live alone.” 

What you meant to say is you didn’t know many sophomores who could afford to live alone. JJ always joked about Rafe being rich, but you weren’t aware of the extent of his wallet. 

He chuckled. “Yeah well, it’s easier to focus on my studies this way. No distractions.” 

You nodded. You would live alone if you could afford it. 

“Got it. Perfect for the ladies too, right?” You winked. 

Rafe choke on air. You enjoyed flustering the usually confident Mr. Cameron. 

“God, um, I don’t know how to respond to that.” 

You shrugged. “Can’t deny the facts.” 

He gave you a gentle look. “Y/n, you’re the first girl I’ve had in here since my last girlfriend.” Your jaw dropped.

“Really? You haven’t had a single girl in here for... a month?” 

“Unless you count my little sister, then yup.” 

“How does a guy as hot as you not bring a single lady friend here for over a month?” He let out a strangled laugh.

“You think I’m hot?” 

“I know you’re hot. And you know you’re hot.” 

The pink blush that formed on his face made you want to run over and kiss his cheeks. 

But friends didn’t do that. 

“Well, I guess... I guess I’ve been waiting for the special girl to come along.” 

He gave you a look you couldn’t quite decipher. 

“Yes, I’m the most special girl in your life, right?” You teased, trying to be nonchalant about the tension in the room. 

He just smiled at you. 

“So! What are you cooking?” You said, changing the subject. 

This distracted him. “Well, I have leftovers from yesterday... I have rice noodles with chicken broth--”

“Um, I can’t eat pre-made chicken broth.” You interrupted before he could get too excited. Thankfully, you hadn’t gotten your hopes up about eating much at his place. People could rarely accommodate to your needs. 

“Oh don’t worry, I made the chicken stock last night with... a real chicken. So it’s not out of a box.” He opened his fridge and you saw a cooked chicken that was sitting there. “See?” 

You paused and evaluated the situation. 

“So... you made chicken pho?” You said blankly. 

He blushed. “Yeah, yeah I did.” 

You thought back to that night. That night when you confessed to him your deepest and insecurities. 

You yelled at him about how you basically only ate Asian food exclusively. 

“Did... Rafe... Ok, if I didn’t know any better, I would say that you expected me to come over today. Unless you just happened to have IBS friendly food.” 

You were joking, well half-joking. You guys always met on Thursday nights to study, so he knew you would be hanging out then. You hated the excitement and fondness filling in your chest; it would be only a matter of time before you pushed him away. Or until he left. Whichever came first.

His face was red now. “Um, I may have anticipated it.” 

Oh God, your heart was so full right now. You didn’t even want the food anymore, you just wanted him. 

But he had put great effort into this. You had to eat it.

“Thank you.” You whispered. 

He shrugged off your words. “It’s no biggie, I know I see you Thursdays and we always study pretty late.” 

You set the table while he dipped the noodles in water to cook them. He made two bowls, one being larger than the other. He remembered that you rarely ate big meals. 

As soon as he set your food down, you realized he had to watch you eat. And you had to make conversation while eating. You hated talking and eating. 

And you got a lot of gas while you ate. Shit. This was a bad idea. 

You pushed those thoughts aside and took a sip of the soup. 

It was amazing. 

“This is really good.” 

He smiled widely. “Thanks, I tried my best.” 

Thankfully, you didn’t have to talk much while you ate. The TV served as a good distraction to that. When you finished your bowl, you waited for the pain to hit you. You felt your stomach gurgle around and you clenched your fists to avoid the pain. 

You had good and bad stomach days. Some days you could go the whole day without feeling any pain, but then you had days where you ate any food and felt a mild discomfort and had to lay in bed. 

You felt a mild discomfort, but it faded quickly enough. Thank God, a good stomach day.

After you both finished eating, Drew put both the bowls in the sink. You tried to do the dishes, but he wouldn’t let you. 

“Thanks for the meal again.” You said, anxious to leave.

It wasn’t eating that was the worst part of IBS, it was the anxiety afterwards. You were always nervous that your stomach would flare up hours after you eating, which it sometimes did if you ate something not IBS friendly. 

“You’re always welcome here.” 

You checked your phone. “Um, it’s getting late. I should go.” You turned to leave, but he caught your wrist softly. 

“Wait, y/n.” 

You stopped and turned to face him. He looked nervous as he was still holding your hand gently. 

“Yeah?” You tried to say casually, but you were now extremely anxious for a reason besides food.

He let go of your wrist to brush his fingers through his hair. You loved his messy hair. 

“Um, ok, well... ok I’m just gonna say it.”

“Say it then.” You said out of habit. He glared at you, but you knew he didn’t mean it.

“Fine, well, you’re... you’re really fun to hang out with. Do you want to... go out with me sometime?” 

“We go out together all the time.” You said stupidly. 

He let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah but... like ... as a date.” 

Your heart stopped. 

“A date.” 

“Yes, a date, if you want.” 

A date? What could you both possible do on a date? You hated eating at restaurants, you can’t go hiking or backpacking because who knew when your symptoms would pop in and you were stuck on a mountain with no bathrooms and nowhere to sit. Not to mention, you didn’t eat much so you got lightheaded easily. You weren’t compatible. You would just be a burden to him. 

“y/n?” You almost forgot you were in the middle of a conversation.

You looked up at his pretty blue eyes that were full of hope. You couldn’t do this to him. You couldn’t hold him back like that.

“I... I’m sorry, Rafe... I can’t.” His face fell. “You’re an awesome guy, I swear to God you’re the best guy I’ve ever met. But... you just... we’re just... we’re just different.” 

That was a cop out answer and you knew it. 

“Different.” He echoed. 

You nodded. 

He paused, like he was wondering whether to keep talking to you or just kick you out. You wouldn’t blame him if he chose the latter. 

He then laughed bitterly. 

“That’s bullshit, y/n and you know it.” 

His harsh answer stunned you.

“What are you talking about?” You bristled. Now you were irritated.

“Oh, c’mon, you know I like you, and I know you like me. You can’t ignore what we have.” 

“We’re just friends, Rafe. Just friends.” 

“But I want more.” He said sadly. 

You were on the brink of tears too. 

“I do too.” You blurt. 

“Then why-”

“Because Rafe! You want to go out and do things. You want to treat your girlfriend like a princess-- you’ve said that to me before. And you just can’t do that for me because it’s not possible.

He scoffed. “What do you mean by that? You think you’re undeserving of love? Are you trying to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?” He was angry, and he had a right to be. You were running him in circles and you felt bad. 

“That’s not it! I just--” You felt your legs becoming weak, you could never stand for too long, especially in a heated conversation like this. 

“Y/n? Do you need to sit down?” 

You nodded as he was already guiding you to his couch. 

“Finish what you were saying earlier.” He said softly. God, you hated how kind he was to you even during an argument. You were trying to push him away!

“Right, well, I don’t think I’m undeserving of love, but it’s too hard to love me.” 

“What does that even mean?”

“It means, you don’t know how to love me! You can’t take me on dates-- I hate eating at restaurants which is a normal date, so you can cross that off your list of fancy dinners or whatever. I can’t go hiking because what if my stomach starts to hurt on the mountain? And you just fucking saw me getting woozy standing and talking for you too long while arguing. I’ll just be a burden to you.” 

He grabbed my hands and forced me to look at him. 

“Listen to me. You will never, ever, be a burden to me. Got that?” 

His voice was low and pained, like it hurt him for you to think about yourself like that. You didn’t need his pity so you pulled away from his hands.

“You don’t deserve someone who can’t do all the things you love.” 

“Relationships are all about compromise, y/n. I can do those things with my friends.” 

You shook your head.

“Rafe, you’re a great guy. Too good if I might add. And I’m so picky about everything. When I’m mad at you one day and you want to make it up to me, you can’t buy me chocolates or ice cream or whatever. For anniversaries, you can’t just take me out to a fancy restaurant. There might be a day where you run out of tricks and you’ll realize how hard it is to love me.” You laughed bitterly. 

“I can learn what makes you feel good. I can learn how to love you--”

“You can’t learn how to love me! I don’t even know how to love myself!” You shouted. 

A deafening silence washed over the room. 

I don’t even know how to love myself.

The honesty in your own answer made you cry.

How could anyone love you when didn’t even know how to love yourself? You didn’t even know how to make yourself happy. You didn’t know how to spoil yourself. You lived your life just to get by. 

How sad. 

“I’m sorry Rafe, I just can’t do this.”

This time, he just nodded. 

He’d already given up.

----------

Around two weeks had gone by since Rafe asked you out and you embarrassed yourself. You had never been the type to be so negative or so insecure. You hated what you had become. 

You hated how you felt some sort of relief when Rafe let you go. He grabbed you an uber and you went home. 

You both were ignoring the obvious conversation that needed to happen, but it was better this way. You were back to being the chatty girl in his English class and he was back to being the guy who laughed at all of your jokes. Normal. Everything was back to normal. 

“Sup, y/n, how’s it goin’?” 

You tried not to look surprised as JJ Maybank said hi to you. 

You two weren’t exactly friends, but you were friendly to one another. Yes, he could be a dick sometimes, but he was clueless about it.

“Oh hey, it’s going good so far. How about you?” 

“He and his ‘girlfriend’ got into a fight yesterday and needs advice.” Pope blurted. You tried not to laugh at the bluntness of his friend. 

JJ hit the boy. “Dude!”

“Hey, she was going to figure it out soon enough. You can’t shut up about it.” Their banter was always fun to watch. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Rafe asked when he sat down. 

“JJ got into a fight with his ‘girlfriend’”. You made sure to use the same air quotes like Pope. 

“Yes, thank you for embarrassing me further.” You shrugged. 

“It’s not like Rafe knows her.” 

JJ sighed and adjusted his hat to hide his tired face. 

You grew soft on the poor guy. “What kind of advice do you need, JJ?” 

JJ looked at you with sad eyes, but hopped right into his story. 

“Well, so this girl I’m into, she’s this big city girl. Grew up in Los Angeles, and you know me, I grew up in a small town in Alaska. We’re just so... different. She likes doing all this city girl stuff like going to the malls and just walking around a crowded town which is so different from me who didn’t even have a big mall where I was at and you could walk miles without running into another person. 

“I just don’t know how to keep up with her all the time... and she’s rich so she has to go to these fancy events. She told me I had to dress up if I wanted to meet her parents. 

“And she doesn’t like to be on the water ‘cause she gets seasick. And I practically lived on the water when I was in Alaska! What should I do?”

You paused, taking in his situation. 

You heard Rafe scoff. 

“Dude, it’s fucking obvious. Man the fuck up and buy better clothes and learn how to hold all of her shopping bags. Isn’t it obvious?” 

JJ nodded, like this made sense.

You nudged Rafe harshly. “What are you talking about? JJ, you guys sound really different, you have to ask yourself: do I like how I have to change myself to be with her? Am I ok with that? Am I ok with sacrificing things I love to be with this girl?” 

JJ nodded, soaking in your words. 

“Relationships are about compromise.” You rolled your eyes at these familiar words. “If you really like her, you are going to be willing to change.” 

“You shouldn’t have to change for someone else.” 

“Everyone should change, it’s good for the soul. Staying static is boring.” 

“Guys, guys,” JJ stopped you and Rafe. 

“Ok, I get both points. But, I do really like her. I’ve been pining after her for a while now and... and I don’t know, I just want to win her heart over. She’s already starting to push me away because she also doesn’t want me to change who I am. But I’m willing to put in the extra effort.”

“See? Putting in extra effort to impress the girl he likes, that’s what you should do.” Rafe commented. 

You grit your teeth. 

“I agree, JJ, you should always try to be better in a relationship. If she’s pushing you away because of her own fears, that only means you need to work harder.” Pope noted. 

“Or maybe she’s right, maybe you shouldn’t push people to make them feel like a burden to you. Maybe she just wants the best for you because she obviously knows you very well!”

“Maybe he wants to challenge himself because he wants her to feel safe and comfortable around him!” Rafe raised his voice. 

“Maybe he just wants to do that because of his ego.” You said with an equally angry tone. 

“Or maybe he wants to do that because he loves her!” Rafe slammed his hands on the desk and suddenly the room was silent. 

“Um... are you guys good?” JJ whispered, his problems now forgotten. 

--------

Because he loves her.

Loves her.

Love. 

Was Rafe still talking about the hypothetical JJ in this situation or was he talking about himself? 

Because you knew you were talking about yourself. 

Was he doing the same? 

You sprinted out of that classroom once your professor dismissed you. 

“Y/n, wait.” 

You paused outside the door. If you left, it would make you look mighty suspicious. If you stayed, then you could pretend everything was ok and that the “argument” you just had wasn’t about yourselves. 

You decided to make a run for it.

Unfortunately, Rafe jumped in front of you before you could leave. 

“Y/n, please. Talk to me.” 

“What? There’s nothing to talk about. JJ can make his own decisions. What a handful of a girl, right?” You tried to step around him, but Rafe kept blocking you. “Move-”

“We need to talk and I have a class soon. Meet me at my apartment when your classes end, ok?” 

You hesitated, but the desperation in his eyes made it hard for you to say no. 

“Ok.”

-------

Rafe’s apartment wasn’t too far of a walk from campus, plus you took the bus for part of the way. You secretly ate a bowl of rice with beef and broccoli before going just in case he didn’t have any more pho left at his apartment. 

You felt your heart beating out of control as you plucked up the courage to knock on his door.

“C’mon, you can do this.” You whispered to yourself. You raised your hand to knock, but the door flung open. 

Rafe had been back for a while since he was a morning person and finished his classes before noon. You on the other hand, finished classes at 5pm. No hate in the game, this was college. 

You took in his appearance and looked him up and down. 

He was wearing gray sweatpants with a white tank top and a red flannel over it. He looked too good right now for being casual. Fuck. 

You gulped. “Hey.” 

He gave you a tight smile. “Hey.”

You both stood there awkwardly. 

“Can I come in?”

“Oh shit, yeah, of course.” 

As you stepped into the well-lit apartment, you noticed he was sweaty; it seemed like he just got done with working out. All you wanted to do was to take off that flannel and see what he was hiding underneath. 

“Did you just come from the gym?” You asked nonchalantly. 

He raised a brow at your random question, but nodded. “Yup.”

You both stood in silence for a hot minute, the tension filling the air. You noticed his eyes trailing down your body; you knew you wore tighter clothes up top to try and impress the boy. You didn’t think it would work... but it did. 

“Oh fuck it.” You spat. His eyes grew confused at your sudden outburst, but when you took 3 large steps and grabbed his face, they widened.

“Can I kiss you?” You whispered.

“Please.”

And then you kissed him. 

His lips were soft, but his hands were rough on your body. He pulled you close enough so that your chests touched, making you groan at the contact. He deepened the kiss, teasing you with his tongue. 

“Rafe,” you chanted. You didn’t know what you were asking for, you just wanted him. 

He smiled, moving to kiss you all over your face and your neck. He smoothly pulled you into his bedroom. 

His bedroom was bare; only a bed sat in the middle and one desk to the side of it. You didn’t care, as long as there was a bed in there, that’s all that mattered.

Except you happened to miss a large box near the side of the bed that almost made you hit your head on the wooden floor. 

“Oops.” Rafe caught you before you fell.

“Sorry, I forgot to move those.”

Before he could move them out of sight, you noticed something familiar looking.

“Wait... are these--?”

“Wait-”

You picked up the box before he could stop you. You grew confused staring down at the object inside of it.

“Are these... what I think they are?” 

He ruffled his hair and nodded, trying to hide his red face. “Um, yeah. It’s... yeah.” He finished lamely.

You looked down and gently traced your fingers across the extravagant book covers. When you looked inside, they were all signed by your favorite author with a cute message. You felt tears well up in your eyes. 

“You went to the book signing.” You said numbly. 

He nodded hesitantly. He wasn’t sure how you would react. “I did...I wasn’t sure which book you liked from her so I got all 3.”

He played with the bottom of his flannel, anxiously waiting for your next move. 

You set the books down and pulled him in by his shirt. 

“Kiss me.” 

He paused, but only for a moment before he stripped off his flannel. 

Yes, finally.

He laughed. “You’ve been waiting for this to come off?” Shit, you said that out loud. 

He wasted no time pressing his lips to yours. You clung onto his neck, not being able to get close enough to him. Kissing was great, it was fantastic even. But you wanted more. You gently lifted your hips to meet his, rocking back and forth experimentally. 

He groaned at your movement. “Baby,” He whispered. 

You thought you would hate that pet name. 

You didn’t. 

“Yes?” You teased, planting little kisses on his neck, his collarbone, right under his ear. When he didn’t answer, you tugged him back down to you by his hair. 

You’re sure you had been making out for at least half an hour at this point when suddenly he lifted his head up. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

And you meant it. 

-------

You woke up in the morning with the best sleep you’ve had in years. You immediately turned to your side and saw Rafe still fast asleep. You saw his bare chest move up and down, up and down. It was hypnotic. 

You gently moved your fingers across his chest, soaking in the smoothness of it. The feeling of soft pleasure woke Rafe up. He smiled when he saw your mischievous look. 

“Good morning, gorgeous. How’re ya feelin’?” 

“Hmmm, alright.” 

He gently kissed your shoulder blade. What a tease.

“Only alright?” 

He tried to pull the blankets down to uncover your naked body, but it was the morning and you were still shy. 

You laughed at his attempts to turn you on. 

“Stop, Rafe, you horny ba-”

He then leaned in closely to you and whispered in your ear. 

“If I knew getting you books would get me laid, I would’ve done it years ago.” 

You laughed. 

“You didn’t know me years ago!” 

He gave you a crooked smile. 

“Plus, my love language is receiving gifts, so you got lucky.” 

He shrugged, but his eyes softened when he stared at you longer. 

He pulled you down for another soft kiss. You wanted more, but he pulled away before it could get too racy. 

“Told you I would learn how to love you.” 

#outer banks #rafe cameron #obx #outer banks fanfiction #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron fanfiction #obx fanfiction #obx writing #drew starkey #drew starkey x reader #rafe cameron scenarios #this is the most dialogue ive written i think #this was the most challenging fic to write LMAO #hope u like it ! :D

[sheabuttahwrites]

[I Know]

. four : reunited, and it feels so...

three

Monday

It was about twenty minutes after eight and Cam had just left. Though, I’d been up for a while since I had to make breakfast for him. I didn’t mind, because I was too anxious to sleep anyway. I was finally about to get out of this depressing ass house for a bit. And O was never boring, so I knew it was about to be a good time. Plus I was so ready to see him. I don't know why, but this particular stretch had felt much longer than all the others. I was on the way to go pack my bag when I decided to mess with him a little instead. I grabbed my phone ready to compose a text, but I already had a notification from him. 

Get up. I’m in route, on my way to you

It had only been there for one minute. I guess we both had the same idea to play this morning. 

I’m up. Been up

You ready?

Yes big head I’m ready 

Ok short legs I was just making sure

I hollered. He was just average height himself, and only about six inches taller than me. Calling somebody short. 

Lmao why you gotta take it there? I’ll be in your vicinity today, don't get beat up

I’m not worried

You should be

Why? Ain't nobody scared of you Jay Baby

Say it to my face

You think I won't

Ok keep that same energy when you see me

Oh fa sho, you do the same

Don't worry about me, you know I’m a G 

Keep talking with your bad ass 

You ain’t gon do nothing

Me and my big head can stay home

I’m not worried lmao you know you wanna see me

You ain't funny

And you ain't gotta lie, you chuckled 

Lol anyway I’m leaving now, I’ll be over there in a minute

I know 

Lmao whatever

I laughed aloud sending him three crying laughing emoji, then slid my phone down into my bra. Finally, I went over to the closet to fill my duffle. I threw a few casual pieces in first, because comfort over everything, and then I added about three or four that could possibly be worn out. I grabbed some sneakers, a couple pairs of heels, a little jewelry, underwear, pajamas, and I packed a separate smaller bag with all of my toiletries. I had taken a shower earlier so I was ready. For about a second, I debated on whether I should change, then decided against it. I knew we would be going right to sleep once we got to his place, so my loungewear would do. 

While I waited for him, I walked over to the mirror, happy that my home remedies had helped my bruises and swelling disappear so quickly. It had only been about two and a half days, but a few aspirin and some intense ice pack usage had really worked. My rug burns were scabbed, but I wasn't too worried about those since the majority would be under my clothes. However, there was still a tiny something at the corner of my mouth, so I covered it with a bit of concealer and finished it with some setting powder. And I was sure to toss the two of them into my makeup bag for later use. 

A little after nine, much to my delight, the doorbell rang. I squealed, giddy as ever, as I jumped up to walk to the door. And, when I opened it, before me stood my bestest friend in the whole world with the goofiest smile on his face. I laughed and invited him in, so excited that I was hardly able to get the door closed behind him. Then I kissed his cheek and pulled him into the tightest hug. It felt so good to be in his arms again. “Hey.” I spoke into his chest and his deep, honeyed timbre fluttered against my ears. 

“Hey.”

I closed my eyes and just held on to him, feeling completely carefree, taking in a moment that didn't get to happen as much as I’d like. I didn't want to let go. Until he took his face down to nuzzle my neck. I flinched and giggled, backing away from him and shielding myself with my shoulder. He knew better. “Don't…”

“Now what's all that shit you was talking?” he asked jokingly, looking down into my face and laughing. 

I tossed my head back, cackling, before I went to smack his arm. “Shut up.”

“Look out. You ready?”

“Yeah, just let me get my stuff.” I left his embrace and started for the living room where I had been waiting.

“Hurry up, get me out this nigga shit.”

I screamed. I knew he hated coming here. But this was his own fault. Because he also didn’t like texting to tell me he was outside, because to him it wasn't courteous. For the same reason, he didn’t like me taking Ubers to or from his place. I personally didn't have a problem with either. Both had been done maybe twice in the beginning and he told me he felt weird about it. I only half understood, but I didn't fight him on it. Honestly, it felt nice to actually be valued for a change. “Simmer down, sir. I’m coming.”

“You know you naked?” 

I paid him no mind and kept moving toward my bags, still tickled by his earlier demand. “Whatever. No, I’m not.” My boxers and tank were plenty clothes.

“Dude would probably have a fit if he knew you were leaving the house in that.” 

Slightly appalled, I stopped mid stroll and turned back to him. “Excuse you? He would also have a fit if he knew you were picking his girl up. But that hasn’t been an issue for you for how long now?”

“Good point. Carry on.” The way he waved me off almost had me in tears. My rebuttal had shut him up too quick. 

“I thought so.”

“Not even a jacket, though? It’s kinda cool out there.”

“I’ll be ok. I’m just running to the car then right into the house after that.”

“If you say so. But what happened to your knee?” 

“Oh, nothing. I scraped it on the carpet. It was an accident,” I hastily explained just under a shout, disappearing around the corner. I hoped I wouldn't have to go into more detail. Omari definitely wasn't shy about asking questions when he wanted to know something.

“Oh. Damn.”

I returned in no time with my duffle bag in hand and my purse on my arm. He took the bag, being his usual gentlemanly self, and I grabbed my keys to lock up the house. Once we were on the porch, I made sure to engage the alarm from my phone. Then he and I hopped into his white Range that I loved so much, and we were out. 

“You hungry?” he asked, yawning.

I yawned instantly, seeing him do it first. “Nah, I'm good. I just wanna go back to sleep.” 

“Word. Me, too.” 

After Cam was done packing last night, he woke me up for round three. Or maybe it was four. I don’t know. But it wasn’t uncommon for him to try and fuck me senseless before he left for work. I guess he thought overuse of his penis was what it took for me to still be there whenever he returned. Whatever the case, I was tired as hell and in need of some serious rest. 

2:04pm

I opened my eyes, slowly becoming aware that Jade and I were face to face. I lingered for a second, letting my vision clear up, enjoying the view more than anything, though. She was stunning. Just so beautiful. Her features had to have been sculpted by the most masterful hands, using only the finest of materials. The lines were sharp, but they had a softness to them. Her skin was golden like warmed maple on a glorious Sunday morning. When they were available, her round, dark brown eyes were gentle, yet so alluring. The way they sparkled in the sun always got me. To top it all off, her sultry pout sat perfectly beneath a nose that fit just right. She was flawless. 

While I stood stretching, yawning, alternating between bending and rubbing the arm she had been lying on, I could see a sense of calm in her expression. She always looked that way when we were together. Like she was happy. And I knew that wasn't the case at home. I tried not to think about it too often, but honestly it really bothered me. She hit me up pretty regularly, revealing how he talked to her, the many ways he mistreated her. But it was probably a lot worse than she was willing to admit. My instincts told me that he was putting his hands on her. She had never confirmed my suspicions, but I knew it was the truth. I knew. And the thought of that shit alone killed me. She was so sweet. So soft spoken and mild mannered. She didn't have a cruel bone in her body. I just couldn’t imagine her actually having the need to protect herself not only from harmful, ugly words but some nigga’s hand. It fucked me up. She was easily my favorite person. I hadn’t witnessed a more pure soul. And to be aware that she was suffering, especially through something so horrible and damaging, was beginning to be too much. I couldn't do shit about it. I couldn't fix it, I couldn't change it. All I could do was be there for her, give her a place to decompress from time to time. Which I loved. I wanted to help her in any way I could, but I was starting to feel like I was in over my head. Truthfully, I didn’t know how much longer I was gonna be able to do this. It was becoming very difficult for me to live with myself. My conscience was tearing my ass up. The most trifling woman didn’t deserve what she was being subjected to every day, and she wasn’t even guilty of anything. Her only fault was loving a nigga who meant her absolutely no good.

I didn't fully understand that either. Of course I knew love could make you do things you maybe wouldn't normally do, but in this case, what was there to love? How could she look at a nigga who was constantly causing her pain and feel anything other than hate? I just didn't get it. She had to know that whatever she was experiencing wasn't love. He was abusing her. How could she still love him? Why would she take his wrath and still allow him to receive all of her goodness? She had to know he didn't deserve it. She had to know that she deserved so much better. From any man. From life. From any situation she found herself in. She had to know that something wasn't right.

But she held fast to her claims. From the start she made it known that she was in a relationship and that she was in love. I respected her honesty, but her words and her actions never matched up. Her mood on the way to my place and the one on the way back to hers were always on two completely opposite ends of the scale. I don't know if she couldn't conceal it or if she just didn't care to, but it was painfully evident where she was excited to be and where she dreaded. She just didn't move like the taken woman she alleged to be. Not by her ‘man’ at least. 

I walked into the bathroom and made my way to the toilet. Then I went to the sink to wash up. I was leaning over brushing my teeth when I felt her arms wrap around me.

I kissed his back, resting my head right against his bare skin after. “Hey.”

“What’s up?” 

I caught his reflection in the mirror and, before I could stop them, my lips had curled into an enormous grin. I was so ridiculously glad to finally be in the same place as him. Plus he was so cute. He had toothpaste all over his mouth, but it took nothing away from his appearance. I couldn't help but notice how good we looked standing there together. A better best friend duo didn't exist. 

“I’ma start thinking you happy to see me in a minute,” he teased, finishing up at the sink. 

I busted out laughing. How dare he just blow up my spot like that? I let my arms fall from his waist. He turned to face me and I swatted his chest, backing away to leave the room. “Get off. Don't act like you didn't miss me.”

He followed me out, going toward his closet. “I already told you that. You know I’m always glad to be in your presence.”

“Um hmm.” I bashfully rolled my eyes, blushing against my own will. Thankfully he was trailing me. He went into the closet and I leaned up against the doorway. “So I thought about it, let’s stay in today.”

“Ok.” He took a t-shirt from one of the drawers and pulled it over his head. “That’s cool.”

“We can go do something tomorrow.”

“Well, I got a couple meetings,” he casually announced, walking over to the other side of the room headed for the couch.

“Awww.” I wasn’t expecting him to have to work so soon. “What time?”

“The first one is at nine in the morning, but neither of them should take too long. Nobody’s recording and I’m not mixing anything. So it should only be a few hours.” 

I stood as he sat, my demeanor in a totally different arena than before. My arms were loosely folded across my chest and a slight scowl had inevitably taken over my expression. “Ok.”

“Jay,” he chuckled, picking up the remote, “don't act like that.”

“I know what you call a few hours. I probably gotta be here all day without you.” 

“It won't be all day,” he claimed, giving the TV all of his attention as he flipped through the channels. “I should be back by around three at the latest. Maybe four.”

I smacked my lips, annoyed that he was alluding to seven hours being minuscule. That was most certainly the entire day. “That’s long.”

“Pooh, you know work doesn't stop. I’m always working.”

“I know, but I just got here.”

He sighed heavily, looking up at me with remorseful eyes and a frown to match. “Why you tryna make me feel bad?”

“I’m not. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself,” I spoke lightly, but the defeat was heavy in my voice. I dropped my head and gave him my eyes, making sure to slouch my shoulders and pout as deeply as I could manage. I didn't even hold it long before we were both cracking up. 

“Don't even try it. Fake self.” 

“Whaaaat?”

“You just about to be sleep the whole time anyway.” 

I doubled over and slapped my knee, because he definitely wasn’t lying. “Whatever.” But I was not about to admit it. Instead, I went to my bag and grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste. “Be right back.”

#original fiction #original characters #black characters #black fiction #black fic #black writer #drama #romance #love story #i know #SheaButtahWrites

[binniedeactivated]

saint. || soobin🌪(9)

🖤┊𝔰𝔞𝔦𝔫𝔱 . ೄྀ࿐ 𝖕𝖆𝖎𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌: 𝖘𝖔𝖔𝖇𝖎𝖓 𝖝 𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝖌𝖊𝖓𝖗𝖊: 𝖘𝖒𝖚𝖙/𝖆𝖚 

𝖙𝖜//𝖘𝖊𝖑𝖋 𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖒.

𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙; 2193

mia had her days of self pity but this was by far her worst yet. she came from a upper class working family, religious strict parents. It was only her and her little brother in her house, so she got pretty much everything she wanted. what did she ever have to want for? she had no reason to feel sorry for herself. 

but she did. again and again. how could she be so stupid? how could she be desperate for a guy that much?  easy. she wanted to all eyes on her. she wanted that spotlight. she wanted girls to be jealous of her. she wanted guys to be jealous of soobin. but all of that came with a price. 

ever since that night occurred she received non stop text messages. they said they wanted to have sex with her again. they sent laughing emojis. they called her a whore. they called her a slut. they asked her how she felt after she’d just done what she did. they took pictures of her. naked. sprawled out. tired. they sent them to her over and over again reminding her of the night she wanted to forget. the night that truly ruined her life. 

she takes her panties off and tosses them into her laundry bin. that would be the fifteenth pair of panties she soiled with blood. she’d wished it was normal girl stuff, like period blood. but the blood wasn’t from her period. 

they told her that if she didn’t have sex with them again they would expose for who she truly was. and if she dared called the police, they’d kill her. and mia knew they were serious. there was nothing that those boys wouldn’t do. she would beg and plead for them to stop but they persisted in their efforts. she was much too afraid to stand up to them in person. so she stood up to soobin. it was his fault after all. 

but when he spit in her face that was the last straw. he smirked like he didn’t care. he smirked like that’s all he wanted for her. he smirked as if he were the one laying there that night feeling hopeless. she saw soobin for who he really was, and he was a monster. she screamed that she hated him, hoping it would mend the shattered heart she had but it didn’t. he slammed the door on her face.

she waited until her parents took her little brother to soccer practice and that’s when she went for it. she took a razor blade and sat on her bathroom floor. she rolled her shorts up until they were up to her upper thigh and wasted no time etching fine lines into her skin. the pain stung worse than bumblebees and it tinged even more when her tears would sink into the lines of blood sitting on her thighs. she dropped the blade back on the floor an picked up her phone. she snapped a photo of her wounded legs and sent them to the boys, asking them if they were happy with themselves. she hoped this would finally get them to stop once and for all. 

but they didn’t stop. instead they laughed and mia could just cry. she scrolled through her contacts and attempting calling one of her friends to keep from wanting to slash her wrists right there and then. she needed to calm down, to talk or think about something other than this. but her calls went straight to voicemail. the only person that picked up their phone was olivia, and mia had already rushed her to come over her house. 

mia was still sitting on her bathroom floor when olivia walks in, being taken aback from all of the blood. she covers her mouth in shock.

“mia? what the hell?”.

“i need someone to help me”. 

“why what happened? why would you do something like this?”. 

mia thinks about it. after already telling them that her and soobin had sex that night she was way too embarrassed to tell the real story.

“i’ve been feeling kind of depressed lately”. 

“what can possibly make you that depressed? you’re cutting yourself now?”. 

mia sighs, tracing her name in the pool of blood that was on the floor. her thighs stung like hell. but she’d rather feel the pain of that than the pain of the boys tormenting her. 

“oh god mia. please don’t tell me this isn’t all over soobin’s dumb ass”.

mia stared at her. “you wouldn’t understand”. 

“come on! really? are you really cutting yourself over some guy?”.

“it isn’t like that olivia”. 

“no seriously! have you been dumb your whole life?”.

mia looked at her sharply. “what?”.

“wake up and smell the roses mia! soobin doesn’t fucking like you. he never did. you need to stop being so desperate for attention”. 

“for..for attention?”. mia stutters.

“yes. that’s only reason you’d cut yourself right?”.

“olivia who the fuck cuts themselves for attention?”. 

“you would, obviously”. she sassed with her purse on her arm. 

“if that’s what you think maybe you don’t truly know me then”. olivia rolls her eyes. 

“isn’t that what you called me over for? so i can give you attention?”. 

mia gave olivia a death glare. 

“just get the fuck out”. she neverminds. 

“what?”.

“just get the fuck out olivia!”. mia screams until the girl was walking back out of the front door. mia pulls her knees to her chest and weeps silently letting her tears make their way into her cuts. 

♡━━━━━━ ◦ ✤ ◦ ━━━━━━♡

“thank you for staying with me. have fun at service tomorrow”. soobin smiles to you in the passenger seat. you had to go home because your parents would never allow you skipping sunday services. you wished you could stay longer with soobin. 

you pout a little and he kisses your lips. “what’s wrong mahmah?”. he asks. you collect your items off the car floor, trying not to blush at the pet name. 

“i want to stay”. soobin smiled a little, it felt good to know that you needed him just as much as he needed you. “your parents will mutilate my body and throw me in a ditch if i kept you tonight”. you laugh opening the car door. he watches you walk to your house and decides to flirt with you while you were on your way there. 

“yo! beautiful! what’s your number?”. 

knowing it was soobin you turn around and laugh. as you were walking backwards you yelled the numbers out loud before reaching your doorstep. “you should text me sometime!”. you said, as if you didn’t know him. soobin smiles until you close the door behind yourself. 

he chants the numbers in his head over and over until he was safely in his house and had the time to pull out his phone. he started to dial it in the keypad but there was a persistent knock on the door that only got louder each time. soobin was nervous if it were his parents. they always find something to complain about. he made sure everything was up to par before he pulled open the door. surprisingly, it wasn’t his parents. to his dismay, it was olivia. 

“what the fuck are you doing here?”. soobin scoffs, she holds her hand up and scoffs back while rolling her eyes like the diva she was. 

“don’t start soobin. what happened with mia?”. 

“what are you talking about?”. 

“she’s at her house right now saying that she’s depressed or something. what did you do to her?”.

“me? don’t blame that shit on me. that bitch is crazy”. 

“don’t try to act like you’re a saint. i know you had something to do with it”. 

“shut the fuck up olivia. why are you even here? mind your fuckin business sometimes”. 

“I’d mind my business if you were’t going around school acting like a shit head to people. if you didn’t like mia you should’ve told her that”.

“I don’t have to tell her anything because guess what? I don’t owe her shit. and I don’t owe you shit either. get the fuck off my doorstep”. olivia raises her hand but soobin grabs it in the nick of time. 

“don’t you dare lay your fuckin hand on me”. mia brings her face closer. 

“stop talking to me like that you fuckin idiot”. 

“i’ll talk to you however the fuck i want to talk to you and you’re not going to do sh--”. olivia pushes aside her pride and forces her lips onto soobin’s. Soobin widens his eyes and pushes her backwards. He pushes her hard enough to the point where she fell off of his doorstep. 

“what the fuck are you doing?! are you crazy?”. 

she fixes herself and rubs her fingers over her lips. 

“oh wow. i guess i see why girls are so obsessed over you now”. she smirks while getting up and sashaying to her car. soobin looked at her as if she was crazy. he slams his front door trying to forget about what just happened. 

he presses the facetime button and makes kissey lips until you answer the phone. now settled you smiled at him, making sure to turn your volume down as low as possible while the both of you talk the night away. 

you guys had been talking all weekend you thought something took over soobin honestly. because bright and early on monday morning his car was parked outside of your house. of course he was beeping his horn and smiling like the idiot he was. “what are you doing here so early? school doesn’t start for another hour”. you ask. 

“come on we’re going to get breakfast”.

he was smiling so hard you wanted to tell him to stop being a creep or a weirdo, but you couldn’t while he was looking that cute. you were grateful that the pain in your knee started to go away gradually. but of course this didn’t stop soobin from carrying you on his back until you were safely sitting in the booth of the nearby diner. “soobin put me down!”. you scream playfully.

he slides across from you still laughing while he plucks up the menu. it was creepy but you stared at him while he read it. 

“soobin?”.

“yes?”.

“are you feeling alright?”.

“yeah why do you ask?”. 

“you look...happier”. 

soobin laughs. 

“what? did i look sad before?”. 

“no you just looked.. different. you looked cold all the time. and you never smiled unless one of your stupid friends was telling you a joke”. 

“i’m glad to see that you were paying so much attention to me”.

you roll your eyes, scooping a piece of ice out of your water cup and throwing it at him. he dodges it laughing. 

“oh shut up. i hated you. i just heard about you too much so it was hard not to pay attention. everyone else was anyways”. 

“you hated me?”. 

“yes”.

“what about now?”. 

he smirks and your face immediately grew hot. you were lucky the waiter was approaching your table. you settled on a couple of waffles and some eggs while soobin of course, orders the whole damn menu. 

“we’ll never get out of here on time with you eating all of that. and your don’t need any syrup or ketchup you’re going to make a mess”.

soobin rolls his eyes and smiles. “I’m not going to make a mess. I swear”. he promises. but what did he do as soon as his food came?

he made a mess. 

and he was just eating through it as if it weren’t there. you couldn’t take it though. you snatched a couple of napkins from the table dispenser and dipped them in your water.  “let me see your hands soobin”. he gives you his hand and watches you scrape the the syrup off of each of them like so. it was endearing to him in a way. his mother would never do anything like that. soobin doubted that she even cared enough. 

“see look at your shirt. you promised you wouldn’t make a mess”. “I didn’t” soobin retaliates before looking down at the ketchup splotch underneath his collar. you grabbed more napkins and went to the other side of the table where he was. you went behind him and wrapped your arms around his neck while you tucked the top of the napkins into his collar carefully, making him look like he had on a bib of some sort. he sure needed one though. 

“see? there. if your food spills it will go straight on the napkins so you won’t get your uniform dirty”. it was things as simple as that that made soobin fall in love with you. before you pulled away he clutches your wrist and rubs it. he tilts his head up peaking into your eyes. By this point in time you recognized that look. It never got old though. It was never cliche. It made your heart race every single time. 

so you gave him what his eyes were begging for. you kissed him.

honestly, you think you loved him.

#choi soobin #choi yeonjun #choi beomgyu #txt #txt au #kpop #kpop au

[halothenthehorns]

TLTNL- THE SECOND WAR BEGINS

Harry couldn't really look Remus in the face when he gave the book a gentle toss to him. He was sure it meant something he was even still around after all this, but Harry really had not a clue what, it couldn't be him. 

Entitled He Who Must Not Be Named Returns, it starts with a statement from the Minister confirming this to be true, he was active in their country once more.

"Miracles do happen!" James mock cheered.

"James I would not refer to any of this as miraculous," Lily grumbled.

"No, not the part about- you know what I meant Lily," he huffed.

"Oh, you're reading a paper," Sirius quickly grasped while still laughing at the two.

"Hermione was," Harry corrected, the memory easily swimming to the surface, honestly grateful that something could flow back to him naturally.

It was with great regret that he confirmed Lord, well you know who he meant,

"Lord Byron?" Remus politely offered.

was alive, as well as the dementors had deserted Azkaban and joined Lord, Thingy.

Five collective snorts of laughter. It seemed impossible after all they'd heard, but honestly with that alone Fudge pulled a genuine smile of amusement from all of them, though it was perhaps tainted at the implausibility of this taking so long to post this, a year later.

  The magical community was urged to remain vigilant, the Ministry was doing all they could to make people aware and pamphlets would be sent to their homes in the coming months of how to prepare.

The smile slipped right back off for the four from this time, they didn't appreciate the reminder considering they got those once a week it felt like.

The Minister's statement was met with dismay from the wizarding community, considering as recently as last week he'd just been assuring none of this to be true.

"I've been wanting them to eat their words, and yet it's not anywhere near as satisfying as I'd have hoped," Harry grumbled.

Details leading to this event were still murky, but apparently He Who Must Not Be Named himself and a group of Death Eaters had penetrated the Ministry of Magic Thursday evening and been witnessed.

Albus Dumbledore has yet been available for commentary, though it was he who had been insisting since last June of these events occurring. Meanwhile, the Boy Who Lived-

Hermione interrupted herself to exclaim there was Harry's name, she knew he'd be dragged into this while looking at him over her paper.

"Aren't I always?" Harry grudgingly agreed with Hermione now as he had then.

"Haven't heard you called that in a while," James grumbled, "it was kind of nice."

"I'll still take that over what they were calling him," Lily huffed.

They were in the Hospital Wing, Hermione reading her article of the Sunday Prophet to the five around her while still in bed. Neville and Ginny's injuries had been healed instantly, but continued to visit frequently as they were now, and Luna was sitting to the side apparently ignoring them all with a new copy of the Quibbler.

Ron was still in bed rest as well and glared from his to hers saying it was high time they switched back from thinking him a deluded show off.

"Where on earth will they find their source of entertainment now," Sirius said deadpan.

He helped himself to another Chocolate Frog, the scars on his arm still visible from where the brain had latched on. Madam Pomfrey had warned they may never fade, but with a solution she'd been applying, they'd been improving.

"I'm just happy he's not acting like Sirius anymore," Remus offered.

"When do I ever act like a loopy fool?" Sirius demanded.

"As much," Remus finished as if he hadn't been interrupted.

Hermione agreed they were far more complimentary of him now, quoting such thing as his lone voice of truth against slander, though they seemed to have failed to mention it was them doing the slandering.

James's eyes went mock wide in surprise, putting his hand against his cheek with his mouth open slightly as the picture of shock.

"They would never do such a thing, oh wait," Lily briskly agreed.

She winced slightly and placed her hand upon her ribs. The curse Dolohov had set on her may have been less effective silent, but in Madam Pomfrey's own words, it was quite enough damage to be going on with. Hermione was having to take ten potions a day to heal,

Harry gulped and still fidgeted heavily. He in no way wished to ever hear of that spell again, but he had the nasty feeling it wasn't the last time Dolohov used such a thing, and next time it may not be so nonverbal...but then the hateful pain returned, and Harry still knew it wasn't over. Even if some part of him larger than ever wanted to quit now before he had to ever feel what he was again for what he'd lost that day, his mind would permanently suffer for it.

but she was improving greatly, and already bored with the hospital wing.

She continued reading snippets of all the pages full of information now, even one where they'd apparently gotten an Exclusive Interview with Harry, but then noted it was just the old article from the Quibbler.

Sirius got a hearty snort for that, somehow his disgust for that rubbish increasing even when they were back to publishing sense.

Luna agreed her father had sold that to him, he'd gained quite a lot of money for it, and they were going on vacation this summer to try and find the Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

"Good for her," Remus said honestly.

Hermione struggled for a moment before simply saying it sounded lovely.

Harry and Ginny caught eyes and quickly looked away from each other grinning.

Harry almost got a smile back in place, more warmth than they'd seen in his expression since he'd come back from the Ministry. Sharing a joke like that really could do wonders.

Hermione changed topics by asking that the school was back to normal?

Ginny agreed Flitwick had ridden the school of the twins swamp

James gasped, all of the boys looking scandalized such a thing had been done while Lily rolled her eyes at them. "Honestly, did you want it up forever? Having to get through a swamp just to attend classes?"

"Yes," was their instant response, and she rolled her eyes again to try and hide a twitching smile.

in three seconds, but he'd left a tiny patch under a bit of window he'd roped off.

"Oh, well that's okay then," Sirius' shoulders were still slumped in a bit of disappointment, but at least there had been a mark left.

When Hermione asked why, she said he'd said it was too good a bit of magic.

"At least we can still say we love Flitwick," Remus chuckled.

Ron agreed through a mouthful of frog he'd left it as a monument to Fred and George.

"And that's exactly what any proper man would do," James smirked.

Informing Harry it was his brothers who'd sent the pile of sweets on his bedside.

"Aww," Lily cooed.

"I can see where Ron gets this idea to share food to make others feel better," Sirius chuckled, "I think it's what the twins do."

"Well they did try to share a toilet seat, so I wouldn't put it past them," Remus snickered.

Hermione looked rather disapproving and asked,

Harry glanced around, but not one of them made a snippy comment for Hermione's disapproval again. They were still reeling from their harsh reactions to her, to what she'd been saying and it turning out to be true...and they didn't know what to feel about her now.

if all of the trouble was gone now Dumbledore was back.

Neville agreed the school was right back to normal.

"I'd almost be depressed if I wasn't so relieved," James sighed.

Ron made the comment Filch must be happy about that while propping up a Dumbledore Chocolate Frog card against his water jug.

James scoffed deeply in disgust for that, he knew how he felt about that one!

Remus' voice held an edge as well none had ever heard before when speaking of him, but Remus kept going trying to ignore it himself.

Ginny promised he was miserable, saying she'd been the best thing to ever happen to this school.

All five of them looked more than sour for that being said, they honestly wished Filch would be thrown out when Umbridge left as well for what he tried to do to those students, but if they'd had their way, Snape would have long since left as well.

All six of them looked around. Professor Umbridge was lying in a bed opposite them, gazing up at the ceiling.

"I can not believe you're even in the same room with, with that-" Lily was so angry her words spluttered off in disgust. That cat litter should be in Azkaban for what she nearly did to Harry!

"Neither can I," James quirked a brow in surprise even as he was frowning in disappointment. "How on earth did the centaurs give her up? I was hoping her body would just never be found again!"

Dumbledore had strode alone into the Forest to rescue her from the centaurs; how he had done it - how he had emerged from the trees supporting Professor Umbridge without so much as a scratch on him - nobody knew, and Umbridge was certainly not telling.

Remus muttered something shrewdly as he eyed that. He tried to find the awe and fascination from his youth at the entity that was Dumbledore, how he truly seemed able to do anything, but it was still overshadowed by everything he'd done to Harry's life. It was much easier to focus on the idea of why he'd bothered, and he got no more answer for that.

Since she had returned to the castle she had not, as far as any of them knew, uttered a single word. Nobody really knew what was wrong with her, either. Her usually neat mousy hair was very untidy and there were still bits of twigs and leaves in it, but otherwise she seemed to be quite unscathed.

"Oh right, about that," Sirius gave a dramatic pause, taking a deep breath, before being just one tone away from shouting, "how dare she do that to you! If you hadn't f'ing known how to do the Patronus charm thanks to Remus, you'd be worse than dead! I swear if I don't hear of that wretched thing getting Kissed herself, I'm going to have to find some other way to suck out her soul!"

"Been holding that one in long?" Harry asked mock pleasantly.

"A bit, yeah," Sirius agreed. "Glad you gave me the chance to bring it up again."

Hermione said Pomfrey told she was in shock.

"Madam Pomfrey should be using shocks," Lily huffed.

Sulking more like, Ginny corrected.

James made a little noise that may have been a mocking laugh.

Ron said she did something when you did this, and he began clip-clopping his tongue softly in a mockery of hooves.

All five burst into righteous laughter, but there wasn't a trace of humor to be found. Honestly they just wanted to applaud Ron for finally giving this moment.

Umbridge sat up at once, her mousy hair wild.

Pomfrey stuck her head out at once, asking if everything was alright?

Once Umbridge had looked all around and seen nothing, she sank back onto her seat, uttering it must have been a dream.

"More like a nightmare," Remus corrected in the most pleasant tone he'd ever used when speaking of her.

Hermione asked if Firenze was still teaching divination now that Trelawney was back?

Harry said both were now teaching instead.

"Of all the classes to get two separate teacher's in," Sirius muttered, ignoring the harsh thump that was his innards at the reminder of her.

Ron said he was sure Dumbledore now wished he'd gotten rid of Trelawney when he'd had the chance while going for his fourteenth Frog.

"That suddenly made a bit more sense," Sirius said restlessly.

"Can't have just been Dumbledore doing a decent thing, standing up to Umbridge and not letting her leave," Lily said, all wistfulness gone of anyone just doing a kind act anymore.

"Oh no," James agreed, "he was keeping her away from Voldemort." He tried to end with a smile for her, knowing what that downturn of Lily's lips were, and she did feel just a bit better that even with an ulterior motive she wasn't the only one trying to find the kindness in all this.

Though Ron still found the whole subject useless, as Firenze wasn't much better.

Hermione demanded how he could say that, now that they knew prophecies were real.

"Doesn't make the idiots delivering them any better." Sirius honestly having the urge to go find that room and smash every one of those things now, regretting ever even hearing about them for all the trouble they'd caused his family!

Harry's heart began to race. He had not told Ron, Hermione or anyone else what the prophecy had contained. Neville had told them it had smashed while Harry was pulling him up the steps in the Death Room and Harry had not yet corrected this impression.

"I don't see why," James said haughtily. "You need a good laugh, and you're friends will do a better job than anyone telling you how ridiculous it all sounds."

"Now you're encouraging Hermione are you?" Harry asked dully.

James frowned in concern, they all did as Harry refused to shake this off in here like they were trying to give him a way to do, and for his careless tone alone James chose not to respond in hopes changing the subject would just be better.

He was not ready to see their expressions when he told them that he must be either murderer or victim, there was no other way . . .

Even as the others still looked murderous at Dumbledore putting that on Harry, wanting to blame their old headmaster and everyone else for continuing to try and force Harry down a path just because of some stupid mystics, Harry couldn't help but brush absently at his scar for the first time since he'd been here, because it wasn't the one on his forehead. None of them seemed to notice a thing. He wished he could believe same as them, that there was some other way, some alternative to this terrible fate laid out for him, but it all felt so inevitable...

Hermione kept going with the conversation, saying what a pity it was it broke.

Ron agreed, but found the good side was at least You-Know-Who couldn't hear it anymore either- then asked where Harry was going with disappointment.

Harry said he was going down to Hagrid's, he'd gotten back today and he'd want to know how they were doing.

"Hagrid's back!" Sirius cheered unnecessarily loudly, but Harry hardly reacted, just the briefest little smile for the enthusiasm before his face settled back into that mask of unease.

Ron gave the grumpy agreement before wishing he could come.

Remus made an unconscious sympathetic noise, knowing that feeling all to well.

Hermione told him to say hello for them, and to make sure to ask about his, little friend.

"I presume she's referring to Grawp," Remus said with an honest twitch of his lips.

"Don't know why she needed to phrase it like that," Sirius sighed, "I think the others around you can know about him by now." He was still watching Harry with worry. He may be clinging to Sirius in a whole new way, though now they understood why as he just seemed to be marveling at still being able to do so, but it almost seemed to hurt him now just to look at his godfather.

"Umbridge is in there, and even in shock, it's best not to go sharing what Hagrid gets up to right now," James unnecessarily reminded, Sirius had been well aware, they were both just trying to keep up some normal flow of conversation no matter how ineffective.

He was finding it hard to decide whether he wanted to be with people or not; whenever he was in company he wanted to get away and whenever he was alone he wanted company.

Harry was torn from his own thoughts to watch those shift around him uncomfortably, and quickly said, "No, I'm not..." but he trailed off, unable to put into words what it meant to have them all around him now. He didn't want that now, but it didn't quite erase the feeling now residing in him.

The feeling of isolation he'd carried while being around his friends carried through in here, helped along nothing by their unwillingness to see what he saw, feel how true it was he must kill Voldemort. If they didn't understand that though, if they honestly thought there must be another way...

When Harry failed to give a real answer but instead was clearly struggling with something, Remus just decided to keep going. He wouldn't force a real answer out of him, but he wouldn't stop him either if he needed a minute to himself, but until he stepped out this was all they could really do.

He only made it to the Entrance Hall when he ran into Malfoy and his friends coming up from the Slytherin dormitories.

The instant they caught sight of each other, Malfoy at once declared Harry as dead.

Harry said that was funny, since if it were true he'd have stopped walking around.

James managed an authentic laugh again, telling Harry, "there's that sense of humor I so love."

Harry tried for the same smile back, but it still sat just a touch awkwardly in his face to be believable.

Malfoy ignored the jab and said Potter would pay for what he'd done to his father.

"Will he still have to hear about it then to?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

James couldn't even offer that much, whatever Malfoy was suffering was only a tenth of what Harry had already learned to suffer through.

Harry sarcastically told he was terrified now, Voldemort must have just been a warm up compared to these three.

All of them were laughing obligingly now, though Harry's frown just deepened with some unknown concern, all he knew was he didn't like dismissing Malfoy right now.

Malfoy just snapped Potter thought himself such a big man, he couldn't just land his father in prison!

Harry reminded he just had.

Remus couldn't help the surprised burst of laughter that shot out, it really was like watching James and Snape the way these two went at each other so many years later with the names just swapped.

Malfoy still vowed Azkaban wouldn't hold him with the dementors gone, and while Harry agreed, he still pointed out at least everyone knew what scumbags they were now.

Sirius tried for a triumphant little smirk, but it was no good, the mention of that place just brought the echo of his own words back. He really hadn't been given his chance to accept that worthless Ministry's apologies now that they were listening to Harry...

Malfoy went for his wand, but Harry had already beaten him to it and raised to strike when Snape appeared.

Harry froze with a loathing like none before for him. He didn't care what Dumbledore said, he would never forgive Snape.

While none gave a second of disagreeing as well, Harry couldn't help but look to his mother. Her face was a mask, lips trembling and white from feeling so much of this future. He almost believed that now as well, but then, there was just this one part of him that stopped him...

Snape demanded what Potter was doing?

Harry simply said trying to decide which curse to use on Malfoy.

Lily at least tried to hide her smirk for that, but even she failed at such boldness.

Snape tried to take points away from his house for this, but then he turned and realized the Gryffindor hour glass was completely empty. He instead began to threaten-

but was cut off by McGonagall arriving to state apparently they needed some more.

The room felt such a sudden rush of delirious happiness it was hard for a moment to even grasp the switch. None had exactly forgotten what had fallen their favorite teacher, but considering everything else that had happened in the meantime they hadn't even a second to spare for it. Now here she was again as if she'd never left, swooping in for Harry once again!

She beckoned to Crabbe and Goyle first off, depositing her bag onto them and telling them to take that up to her office

"Snappy as ever," Sirius chuckled pleasantly.

before continuing to address their head of house that the students should be awarded for alerting the world of You-Know-Who's return.

James whooped with a delirious noise, even just something slightly good happening again and he wanted to dance and cheer, finally just one moment to show the word wasn't all death in this future!

Snape merely sneered rather than agreeing.

"Eat your toes Snivlius," Sirius sneered.

"It's eat your words. How did you even-?" Remus began in confusion, but Sirius wasn't even listening as he was still laughing too hard.

McGonagall continued as if he had, awarding fifty points to both Weasley's, Longbottom, Granger, and Potter. Even as they watched, a shower of rubies fell into Gryffindor's house-glass.

"Now wait a moment," Lily couldn't help but try to insert even as her eyes were still gleaming, but Remus polity shushed her and said what he knew she'd been fixing to.

Then she tacked on a fifty for Miss Lovegood of Ravenclaw, and a sprinkle of Sapphires fell for that as well.

"Ah," Lily said pleasantly while the boys were still snickering away, even Harry cracked an honest grin again for this.

She did acknowledged that Snape had intended to take ten, and while the measly few flew back up, it still left a respectable amount below.

"Only two hundred and forty," Remus quickly did the math even as he couldn't stop himself smirking. "She's much less generous than Dumbledore, he probably would have given a couple hundred each."

"Can't win that cup every year I suppose," Harry said grudgingly, his mind not even on the subject anymore as something as silly like the House Cup felt like some far off fantasy of a worry.

Then she instructed the students to depart, and Harry at once went back on his way into the sunshine outside.

Students were all over the place out here, enjoying their last few days on the grounds. Many waved or called to him as he passed, like the Prophet, now seeing him as some kind of hero.

"Give them all the bird Harry," James pleasantly instructed.

Harry said nothing to any of them.

"A feat not any in here could manage I'm sure," Lily said pleasantly, she'd have a thing or two to say to anyone switching on a dime like this, Ron's ire of Quidditch team hopping would hold nothing.

He had no idea how much they knew of what had happened three days ago, but he had so far avoided being questioned and preferred to keep it that way.

He thought at first when he knocked on Hagrid's cabin door that he was out, but then Fang came charging around the corner and almost bowled him over with the enthusiasm of his welcome.

Harry felt that pang shoot through him all over again, his hand growing painful around Sirius. This was ridiculous, Fang looked nothing like Padfoot...

Hagrid, it transpired, was picking runner beans in his back garden, and he came around to greet Harry and offer him a cup of dandelion juice.

"Should we be as worried about this as the rest of Hagrid's cooking?" Sirius said extra loudly just to get that look away from Harry's face even for a moment, he couldn't stand seeing his little pup in such misery every time something related back to him. It was killing him he'd been going through all of this in his past, and Sirius would do everything in his power to correct that now.

Once they were inside with a glass each, Hagrid asked how he was feeling?

"Dandoliney," James tried hard for a smirk and a joke, and Remus helpfully played along.

"Prongs, you can't substitute a weed for a fruit and get the same affect," Remus corrected.

"Says who?" James rebuked, before concluding, "Hark, look who's talking, you once switched armadillo bile with your own," James really did smirk then.

"It wasn't my fault breakfast wasn't agreeing with me that morning," Remus said tragically.

Harry could tell from his look of concern he did not mean psychically, but he simply fibbed he was fine and kept the conversation away from himself asking where he'd been?

Hagrid said hiding up in the mountains, like Sirius once had-

He stopped when he realized what he'd said, and feebly finished with he was back now.

"Subtle," Lily whispered, unlike the boys not pretending she couldn't see Harry's eyes swimming again. Sirius staying in those caves had almost been a good laugh at the time considering how well he knew the area, and suddenly the idea of if it had all been different just wasn't avoidable. If he'd just stayed up there instead of that ghastly house, if everything had been the way it should have and he'd never had to be there at all, if...

Harry instantly switched to saying Hagrid looked better, his old injuries from Grawp almost all faded.

It took a moment for Hagrid to realize what he meant and agreed Grawp was doing much better now, seemed right glad to have him back.

"I imagine that actually would have caused another injury," Sirius stated too loudly again, but he'd keep talking this way until the others stopped looking at him that way.

He was actually considering starting to look for a lady friend for him.

"Please tell me he's joking!" Lily yipped with more volume than Sirius had and easily capturing all attention.

"If he can get one for Aragog he would do it for anyone," James said without remorse.

"Hagrid's certainly becoming more interesting with this whole dating set up thing, maybe he should have a crack at Moony," Sirius smirked while Remus scowled hatefully for that.

Harry normally would have tried to persuade him otherwise, but he just hadn't the energy.

"Well you're just no help at all Harry," Remus grumbled instead of continuing to glare at Sirius.

Hagrid seemed to realize this and leaned forward to speak to Harry,saying he knew this was the way Sirius would want to go, in battle.

Sirius opened, then closed his mouth, he didn't have a true comment for that. The past twelve years of his life would have been a ruin, the last year possibly worse than anything those dementors could do. They ate away at your very soul just by being around, ruining anything happy you could hope to cling to...and then to be trapped in such a place where so many of all the worst memories would come back! Death honestly would have sounded more bearable after so many long months... he'd see James again...

Harry snapped back he hadn't wanted to go at all!

"But then there's that," Sirius sighed, couldn't speak aloud what had just pulsed through him, but he knew he wasn't doing a good job of hiding it at the panicky look from his brother. None of it would have mattered, the reason he had done what he was doing was for Harry, and now his godson spoke nothing but the truth. Sirius would do it all again just to be there for Harry in whatever way he had, no matter how short of time it was.

Hagrid bowed his head, but continued to speak quietly that he couldn't have lived with himself if he'd done nothing when Harry had needed help-

Harry's throat burned as he heard all that. He meant to hold it in, he really did, but then Sirius began to speak, and Harry burst. "I don't want to hear it! I don't give a damn! You still, you-" he was just left covered in ice, the fire instantly forgotten as Sirius' studious expression didn't change.

He would have lived, but he wouldn't be the man Harry had grown to admire and love.

Sirius didn't speak when he saw it all, that Harry had understood no matter how much he'd hate him for it.

Harry leapt up, telling he was going to visit Ron and Hermione at the hospital wing.

Hagrid looked upset,

'After what he just did, I'm not surprised,' Lily honestly agreed. Those had been the words Harry had needed to hear, but there was never a time to say them.

but did not stop Harry, only asking him to come back soon-

Harry was closing the door before he was done.

People still waved cheerfully to him, the sun shone bright above, but he wished they'd all just go away. A few days ago, before his exams had finished and he had seen the vision Voldemort had planted in his mind, he would have given almost anything for the wizarding world to know he had been telling the truth, for them to believe that Voldemort was back, and to know that he was neither a liar nor mad. Now, however . . .

Harry stayed nestled into Sirius' side, his heart feeling as heavy as it had back then no matter how much his mind told him to put it all away and be here with Sirius now while he had every chance he could. It wasn't quite working, the pain from his past would not fade no matter the replacement he had now.

He walked a short way around the lake, sat down on its bank, sheltered from the gaze of passers-by behind a tangle of shrubs, and stared out over the gleaming water, thinking . . .

Perhaps the reason he wanted to be alone was because he had felt isolated from everybody since his talk with Dumbledore.

"Harry," Sirius whispered for him alone, knowing his parents, that anyone else could have said the same, but Harry needed this to come from him. "You'll do what you think is right."

Harry closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose hard, but it didn't stop the traitorous tears coming again. It was all to real, he could have opened them again and been back on that lake edge, the ghost of Sirius' voice whispering in his ear an assurance he'd needed that no one had been left to give.

Remus wished it would have just ended there, that this stupid thing was done. No more should have been said or done, but he also couldn't just stop. Harry needed some closure, and while he couldn't imagine how he was going to get it from that time, it felt impossible right now any of them were capable of doing so, only a reminder of everything he'd lost in his life while living through it all again.

He sat there for a long time, gazing out at the water, trying not to think about his godfather or to remember that it was directly across from here, on the opposite bank, that Sirius had once collapsed trying to fend off a hundred Dementors . . .

James had felt the bitter taint of regret, of not being there for those who needed him since the very beginning, and now even that moment felt like it was being torn away. Prongs had only been delaying the moment, he hadn't really the chance to save anyone.

The sun had set before he realized he was cold. He got up and returned to the castle, wiping his face on his sleeve as he went.

Sirius kept frowning as Harry tried to do the same now. He'd never wanted to be the cause of so much grief to his godson, to anyone.

Ron and Hermione left the hospital wing completely cured three days before the end of term. Hermione kept showing signs of wanting to talk about Sirius, but Ron tended to make 'shushing' noises every time she mentioned his name.

Lily made a watery noise as she kept sniffling, like she was trying to giggle but the noise wouldn't come. She imagined herself the same way at least in that regards, she felt useless as a mother she didn't have to talk and pry things from him when these books were saying it all. She honestly wished Harry had the chance to speak this for himself, but he often chose not to and let that speak for him. She wanted to change that, but remained unsure how. She'd have to find a way to get him off his crutch soon.

Harry was still not sure whether or not he wanted to talk about his godfather yet; his wishes varied with his mood.

"I know I always loathe talking about him," James muttered as he ruffled up his hair in agitation. "He manages to turn all conversations about himself."

"A trait he learned from you," Remus muttered. The two couldn't help it, to take shots at their friend, at each other, it was one thing they could still do to each other this future hadn't yet taken away.

He knew one thing, though: unhappy as he felt at the moment, he would greatly miss Hogwarts in a few days' time when he was back at number four, Privet Drive.

Harry tried to clear his throat, but it still seemed filled with too much snot to hold anything. It didn't mean he wanted to think about that anymore than the others, and thankfully Remus hissed past the moment knowing it would come up again all too soon.

Even though he now understood exactly why he had to return there every summer, he did not feel any better about it. Indeed, he had never dreaded his return more.

Professor Umbridge left Hogwarts the day before the end of term. It seemed she had crept out of the hospital wing during dinnertime, evidently hoping to depart undetected,

"Which she deserves absolutely none of," Remus said in pure disgust.

but unfortunately for her, she met Peeves on the way, who seized his last chance to do as Fred had instructed, and chased her gleefully from the premises whacking her alternately with a walking stick and a sock full of chalk. Many students ran out into the Entrance Hall to watch her running away down the path and the Heads of Houses tried only half-heartedly to restrain them. Indeed, Professor McGonagall sank back into her chair at the staff table after a few feeble remonstrances and was clearly heard to express a regret that she could not run cheering after Umbridge herself, because Peeves had borrowed her walking stick.

The laughter that echoed through the room was long over due, but somehow far more lackluster than any ever would have predicted. After all she did to Harry, to that school, to so many people, this rather tame leaving of the post just did not feel as whelming as it should have. Then again, unless someone, Sirius, had arrived to escort her to Azkaban nothing would have felt as good.

Their last evening at school arrived; most people had finished packing and were already heading down to the end-of-term leaving feast, but Harry had not even started.

"Who did win the House Cup?" Lily insisted on keeping up the pleasant mood with any mundane topic she could.

"It was canceled, Dumbledore's reason was the Inquisitorial Squad made it too biased." Harry shrugged.

"Is that actually how he phrased it?" James said.

"No, he made some great speech announcement about Voldemort officially being back again, though Ron said he was just rubbing it in. What he actually said was something more along the lines of school unity and looking past all our differences to become one again in the face of-" he cut himself off with a heavy roll of his eyes. "I'm not Hermione, I don't remember the exact words. That's just what I got out of it."

"Fair enough," Remus agreed.

Ron was still trying to convince him to do it tomorrow, but Harry still convinced him to go on while he did this.

But when the dormitory door closed behind Ron, Harry made no effort to speed up his packing. The very last thing he wanted to do was to attend the Leaving Feast. He was worried that Dumbledore would make some reference to him in his speech. He was sure to mention Voldemort's return; he had talked to them about it last year, after all . . .

"I doubt he'd make two speeches," James tried to encourage, he couldn't imagine missing the last feast.

"The first wasn't really a speech so much as just an announcement," Harry shrugged in defense.

Harry pulled some crumpled robes out of the very bottom of his trunk to make way for folded ones and, as he did so, noticed a badly wrapped package lying in a corner of it. He could not think what it was doing there. He bent down, pulled it out from underneath his trainers and examined it.

He realized what it was within seconds. Sirius had given it to him just inside the front door of number twelve Grimmauld Place.

Harry's breath caught in his throat, he suddenly looked like he was going to be sick, and none of them looked any better. Remus could already feel small little shivers starting, he couldn't look at any of them, barely saying in a whisper.

Harry sank down on to his bed and unwrapped the package. Out fell a small, square mirror. It looked old; it was certainly dirty. Harry held it up to his face and saw his own reflection looking back at him.

He turned the mirror over. There on the reverse side was a scribbled note from Sirius.

This is a two-way mirror, I've got the other one of the pair.

James looked back on that moment, of feeling exasperated Harry had worried so much about Sirius. He hadn't found his son silly at all for thinking it, but even still, no matter how dark his mind had gone in offering what could happen to Sirius if he were to be caught again, he'd never wanted to imagine this all to come up again like this.

If you need to speak to me, just say my name into it; you'll appear in my mirror and I'll be able to talk in yours. James and I used to use them when we were in separate detentions.

Remus was stammering by the end, words becoming a blur as too many memories washed over him, over them all. Detentions, something as common to their life as homework, and still they'd refused to be apart, but he'd never want them back together again like this.

Harry's heart began to race. He remembered seeing his dead parents in the Mirror of Erised four years ago. He was going to be able to talk to Sirius again, right now, he knew it-

Sirius held Harry tight to him again, his frame going more pale by the second, his eyes wouldn't alight with that same hope in here and Sirius wasn't sure if it was age looking back or simply the boy in here couldn't even hold onto the same hope anymore with Sirius right beside him, his every being prepared for the blow he knew would come.

He called clearly for Sirius, and nothing happened. He tried again, using his full name, and still it only reflected his own face. Sirius hadn't had the mirror when he fell through...

"Magic can't bring back everything Harry," Lily couldn't seem to stop herself explaining, that burning look on his face compelled her to just say something. "The paintings, the ghosts, their just echos, can only do and say what they're magicked to do, not-" she stopped because it meant nothing to him. If this were true he would have long since had his parents back, there would never be such sadness in the world again. He just buried his face back into Sirius' shoulder, struggling to breath so much he was convinced he never properly could again.

Harry remained quite still for a moment, then hurled the mirror back into the trunk where it shattered.

James could all but hear the echo of the glass, feel that more than Harry understood. Sirius' last gift to him, from both of them, was as gone from his life as they were, leaving no more explanation than anything else they continued to be without. Where had those mirrors been all those years, where as the the other now? He didn't believe he'd get those answer's anymore than an explanation for why this had happened to a man who didn't deserve it.

He had been convinced, for a whole, shining moment, that he was going to see Sirius, talk to him again . . .

Disappointment was burning in his throat; he got up and began throwing his things pell- mell into the trunk on top of the broken mirror -

But then an idea struck him . . . a better idea than a mirror . . . a much bigger, more important idea . . . how had he never thought of it before - why had he never asked?

They weren't even sure if Harry could hear them. He wouldn't look up now, keeping his face away as if ashamed of what came next.

He was sprinting out of the dormitory and down the spiral staircase, hitting the walls as he ran and barely noticing; he hurtled across the empty common room, through the portrait hole and off along the corridor, ignoring the Fat Lady shouting behind him.

How could it be that the place was full of ghosts whenever you didn't need one, yet now . . .

Maybe it was because of the detachment from his memories, maybe it was because he had Sirius right now and he didn't want to see the look on his face for what came next, but as Harry felt Sirius tense and try to murmur something, all he could feel was his shameful wish for what his godfather could never have done.

He ran down staircases and along corridors and met nobody either alive or dead. They were all, clearly, in the Great Hall. Outside his Charms classroom he came to a halt, panting and thinking disconsolately that he would have to wait until later, until after the end of the feast . . .

Somehow it was even more painful Harry was forgetting another of Sirius' old things, and one they'd never even thought to bring up themselves. Did Sirius know Harry had the map? It had never really said, but Harry forgetting it now on top of everything couldn't have come at a worst time, they needed this to be done with. It was killing them all, more than having to listen to Sirius' fate, just to watch Harry cope through it all.

He found Nearly Headless Nick just as he was walking through an adjacent wall, and he popped his head back out to see who it was and walked properly out of the wall to greet him. Harry greeted him and tried to invite him into the classroom, but Nick hesitated for a long time before grudgingly going, saying he'd been expecting this.

Remus' face was flushed, eyes only on the book even as his mind wondered how many times a ghost had to have this conversation, how often he'd come across a crying student and the pearly white figures and had never thought about it more than that.

Harry was holding the door open for him, but he drifted through the wall instead.

"Ghosts," James tried to mutter petulantly, but it instead came out in his own ghostly tone.

He asked expecting what as he closed the door, but Nick didn't even look at him as he drifted to the window saying for young Harry to come talk to him, it happened often when students here had suffered a loss.

Harry refused to be deflected and said Nick was dead.

"Does the bluntness help the awkwardness?" Sirius asked him mock politely.

Harry didn't look up, though his shoulders eased just slightly from feeling the rumble of a chest beneath him. He already knew, even looking back, he couldn't have stood to see Sirius as that pearly figure for longer than a breath. To never truly have him again but a shell, an echo, it would have felt colder to him than his old cupboard ever had.

James wouldn't let the moment pass without saying though, "you'd know that better than anyone," because he could never stand wasting a single moment to talk to Sirius.

Sirius just smiled at him, the feeling just a bit forced as he could only imagine how much this was hurting James, how much every layer of this was just wrong for him. Sirius being dead and Harry feeling more for this than he ever had for his parents.

He was walking and talking though.

Nick took a long time in answering that not everyone could, only wizards.

Harry almost laughed in relief, thinking this was all his hesitation was and agreeing at once the person he was referring to was a wizard!

Nick still wouldn't look around when he said he wouldn't come back.

Harry asked who?

"Who were you talking about?" Remus couldn't help but look at him with great concern.

Harry forced himself to look up then, adjusting his glasses that were poking him in the face but still not really able to meet his eyes, just gestured wordlessly at Sirius, and Remus realized Harry had just refused to understand until it had been shoved in his face.

Sirius Black, Nick had said at once.

Harry said he could! Nick had!

Nick agreed wizards could leave an imprint of themselves on the earth, but it is only a pale trod from their living lives, very few chose to do it.

Harry said Sirius wouldn't matter if it was unusual,

"Well you got that one right," Lily managed a chuckle as she gave Sirius a little smirk which he all to happily returned.

he'd come back, he knew he would!

Harry was fixing his glasses stubbornly now, they might have gone a bit crooked from pressing his face so hard into them and that was why his vision was still a little blurry, surely he'd poked himself in the eye and that's why they were still watering, this was ridiculous, he knew with everything in him right now Sirius wouldn't come back.

"Harry," Sirius couldn't help but grab his wrist, to make him stop that before he took his eye out as his face continued to grow out of that sorrow and slowly into anger. "Harry you know I'd come back for you in any way I could, the real way. I'd have done anything to get back out of there, but only, only if it were real, if I was coming back, not-"

Harry jerked his arm free but forced himself to take a deep breath no matter how much it hurt. His lungs still weren't in working order anymore than his glasses, though he couldn't seem to find a thing wrong with either when he kept checking.

And so strong was his belief, Harry actually turned his head to check the door, sure, for a split second, that he was going to see Sirius, pearly-white and transparent but beaming, walking through it towards him.

Remus couldn't believe he was forcing himself to do this. He kept wondering, at the back of his mind, where he was, what was his useless self doing now instead of explaining to Harry Sirius would never have even considered doing such a thing, why was Nick having to be the one to answer for this.

Nick simply said he would not, he has gone on.

Harry demanded what that meant? What happened when you died? Where had Nick gone? Why doesn't everyone come back and this place was full of ghosts?!

They'd all asked these questions at some point, everyone at Hogwarts had to varying degrees. Never before for any of them had it felt so personal, or the answer so vital, even when already knowing what Nick would say.

Nick could only answer for himself, and he had no true answer. He'd simply, lingered. He'd been afraid of death, and he often wished it hadn't been so. He was neither here nor there...

'At what point does the mind and soul no longer intertwine,' the passage from an old book flitted through Lily's mind, when she herself had been looking into this very subject. Ghosts seemed to be the embodiment of that answer, and the moment she'd realized that she'd snapped the thing shut and had avoided the spectacular figures the rest of the day, too young then to fully grasp what she'd come across now, too young now to know that loss and still having to live through it.

He apologized for not being more help, and then he left.

Harry felt almost as though he had lost his godfather all over again in losing the hope that he might be able to see or speak to him once more.

"Miracles happen though," Harry muttered as he looked back to his godfather now, eyeing him with worry, his face flush and alive, gray eyes alert and bright for anything and everything. He did not know what had led him to this moment, but he knew, he would never regret it.

He walked slowly and miserably back up through the empty castle, wondering whether he would ever feel cheerful again.

It hurt, it was as fake as a dupe, but Harry smiled at Sirius, at all of them. He didn't know how, he could not imagine anything but the gray fog still trying to swallow him whole from his past, but he also knew with everything in him this was not true. Ron and Hermione were just down the stairs, and his friends would be there for him when he opened up to them. The ring glistened on his finger for a moment, a warmth unto itself promising a future he just couldn't envision right now.

He had turned the corner towards the Fat Lady's corridor when he saw somebody up ahead fastening a note to a board on the wall. A second glance showed him it was Luna. There were no good hiding places nearby, she was bound to have heard his footsteps, and in any case, Harry could hardly muster the energy to avoid anyone at the moment.

She gave him a vague wave, and he dully asked why she wasn't at the feast?

She said she'd lost her possessions and was trying to get them back, she was putting up signs asking the people to return them.

"They what?" Remus muttered in surprised outrage for what had just come out of his mouth.

"Kids," Lily muttered with a petulant eye on James, who batted his eyes innocently even though they remained rather hard and distant. He felt bad for Luna, but this still wasn't enough to distract him from what was going on in Harry's life, and so he waved Moony on so Lily couldn't start on what terrible youths they were again.

She spoke all of this serenely as she gestured towards the noticeboard, upon which, sure enough, she had pinned a list of all her missing books and clothes, with a plea for their return.

An odd feeling rose in Harry; an emotion quite different from the anger and grief that had filled him since Sirius's death. It was a few moments before he realized that he was feeling sorry for Luna.

James looked oddly at Harry, struggling a moment to see where he was coming from, but it came to him. Harry's face was still sad now, but for just a moment he had taken his mind off his own grief to see what was being done to others, something James had never bothered to do at any sense, at much of any age. Harry had briefly accused them of treating Luna as they once would have Snape, and while none of them had denied it, James suddenly liked to think he wouldn't have for this moment alone, the girl who made Harry see the outside world outside his own life.

Harry asked why they did that, and Luna said she wasn't sure, though she suspected it was because they found her odd. They called her Loony Lovegood you know.

"Yes well, so did they to Moony, but then again, maybe that's why we were the only fools who would tolerate him," Sirius smirked while Remus just smiled faintly and pretended to ignore him.

Harry offered to help her find it all, but Luna just kept smiling as she said it would all come back, it always did.

"She's so," Lily struggled for a word on this girl. She'd have been furious if someone had tired this on her, strung people up all along the castle if they'd even dared mess with her in this way. Serene was a good way to put it, very flowing. Luna simply accepted the way things were rather than trying to force people to behave how they should, and Lily found that honestly admirable, even while she'd be doing the same for Luna's things.

Then she asked why he wasn't at the feast, and he admitted he just hadn't felt like it.

Luna nodded as if she understood this, stating that the man that Death Eater killed had been his godfather, Ginny had told him. Harry nodded curtly, but found that for some reason he did not mind Luna talking about Sirius.

Sirius hummed thoughtfully, Harry noting he almost sounded like a pur rather than his usual dog like habits when he was content. Harry couldn't help the genuine smile that flit across his face then, even for a moment.

He suddenly remembered she could see thestrals to, and tried to politely ask who she'd seen die.

She told of her mother, who was an extraordinary witch who liked to experiment with Charms, and one had gone wrong. Luna had been nine.

Harry mumbled an apology for this, and Luna conversationally agreed how horrible it had been, and she was still very sad about it, but she still had her dad.

"Lucky her," James couldn't help but whisper, thankful only Remus had heard and he was politely ignored.

Though it wasn't as if she'd never see her again.

Harry asked about that, and Luna reminded of the room with the veil, Harry had heard them to.

Sirius couldn't help a well of panic for a moment. If Harry went back there, tried to get him out- he was being ridiculous, his mind instantly corrected. His godson was alive and safe right beside him. As desperate as he was, Remus had clearly gotten something through to him, that the veil was not the answer, there was no answer to making him come back. All that thing could ever do was taunt what Harry had lost.

Harry could think of nothing to say to that, and so again insisted he'd like to help her find her things.

Luna denied him though, saying she was done now and was going down to have some pudding. She wished Harry a good holiday, and he did so as well.

She walked away from him and, as he watched her go, he found that the terrible weight in his stomach seemed to have lessened slightly.

Sirius gave one last comforting brush to Harry, who leaned into the touch just like he always did, he couldn't imagine doing anything else.

The journey home on the Hogwarts Express next day was eventful in several ways. Firstly, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle, who had clearly been waiting all week for the opportunity to strike without teacher witnesses, attempted to ambush Harry halfway down the train as he made his way back from the toilet.

Remus gave a mock yawn. Considering Harry had bested all of their fathers and then some at the same time, this was beyond child's play to him. It was hard to imagine a worse pain to come than what they'd already suffered, certainly these school yard bullies held nothing.

The attack might have succeeded had it not been for the fact that they unwittingly chose to stage the attack right outside a compartment full of DA members, who saw what was happening through the glass and rose as one to rush to Harry's aid. By the time Ernie Macmillan, Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Anthony Goldstein and Terry Boot,

"Hopefully Ron lets go of his grudge on those Ravenclaws now," James said with his first real attempt at a chipper tone, even being back on that bloody train which always spelled disaster considering who was waiting at the end very time, and the man who wasn't.

"Actually, I think Ginny broke up with him," Harry said in a light, rather forced conversational tone of voice. He wasn't sure where this idea came from, but he didn't feel much care for it either way. He really must have been desperate for anything to smile at, he certainly was doing so now at such a random bit of information.

had finished using a wide variety of the hexes and jinxes Harry had taught them, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle resembled nothing so much as three gigantic slugs squeezed into Hogwarts uniform as Harry, Ernie and Justin hoisted them into the luggage rack and left them there to ooze.

"Twice on these train rides, this is becoming a tradition I almost look forward to," Remus smirked.

Ron had stepped out to see the commotion and came across the end results, saying at least Goyle's mum would be pleased, he looked better now.

"And there's Ron, always making sure to note the important things," Sirius chuckled.

Harry thanked the others and accompanied Ron back to their compartment, where he bought a large pile of cauldron cakes and pumpkin pasties. Hermione was reading the Daily Prophet again, Ginny was doing a quiz in The Quibbler and Neville was stroking his Mimbulus mimbletonia, which had grown a great deal over the year and now made odd crooning noises when touched.

Lily brushed at her hair, her face distant with distress. The train ride to start all this, and they'd been worried about such things as Harry's crush and the Ministry. Now he was going through again a new person. Though having experienced death once before, this was still something new, even worse. His innocence kept being peeled away, though he'd never had much to begin with, and she worried how much more he could handle.

Harry and Ron whiled away most of the journey playing wizard chess while Hermione read out snippets from the Prophet. It was now full of articles about how to repel Dementors, attempts by the Ministry to track down Death Eaters and hysterical letters claiming that the writer had seen Lord Voldemort walking past their house that very morning . . .

Harry scoffed in disbelief even while he saw nothing of surprise on the others, and he shook his head sadly this was common for them.

Ron softly called his attention then, and Harry looked around. Cho was passing, accompanied by Marietta Edgecombe, who was wearing a balaclava.

"How long is that thing going to last?" Lily asked with the hint of worry now for what Hermione had done, had she really permanently scared that child for such a nasty trick.

"Never asked," Harry shrugged without much of a thought. "If I remember seeing her next year, I'll let you know."

His and Cho's eyes met for a moment. Cho blushed and kept walking.

They watched Harry curiously, but he seemed to be holding this with the same indifference as he had watching a little game of chess.

Harry looked back to his chess game with indifference. Hermione tentatively said she'd heard Cho was going out with someone else now.

"Well that was fast," James rolled his eyes.

"Honestly, it took longer than I expected," Sirius snorted.

Harry was surprised to find that this information did not hurt at all. Wanting to impress Cho seemed to belong to a past that was no longer quite connected with him; so much of what he had wanted before Sirius's death felt that way these days . . . the week that had elapsed since he had last seen Sirius seemed to have lasted much, much longer; it stretched across two universes, the one with Sirius in it, and the one without.

Harry was already struggling again, his composure as flimsy as paper in here. The feeling was growing rather than receding, of how to fit all three of these universes into his head. He knew it was ridiculous, he could treat Sirius the same way now as he had before all this, but at the same time it didn't feel right, just slightly off, as if here were disrespecting his own godfathers memories by joshing around with him as the younger carefree man he'd never known. It just wasn't sitting right, and he knew he needed time to come to term with all this, and just looked pleadingly at Remus to keep going, to finish this and give him that chance. While he'd avoided it in here, the feeling was creeping back now, he did want some alone time before he had to hear more.

Ron said he was probably better off, he needed someone a bit more cheerful. Then Ron asked Hermione who she'd heard she was with?

Hermione said Michael Corner, and Ron looked to his sister in surprise as that had been her boyfriend.

Ginny shrugged with as much care as Harry just had, saying he'd been a sore loser when Ravenclaw had lost the Quidditch Cup, so she'd ditched him and he'd gone to comfort Cho instead.

"What a smarmy little bloke, they deserve each other," James said without interest as he picked at his nails.

Ron looked highly delighted.

"I'm sure he did," Lily muttered with a small smile even as she kept watching Harry, who was at least pretending to keep listening with far more curiosity than was necessary, clearly still avoiding talking to them.

Then he said he hoped his sister found someone, better, next time, casting Harry an oddly furtive look as he said it.

Sirius gave a little wolf whistle while the others started snickering. Harry got a lopsided smile in place, his thumb twitching a bit now out of reflex to brush at his ring unconscionably. It was all still a joke of course, Harry told himself, Ron was only thinking this way to keep his sister away from others boys, he didn't really mean anything by it...

Ginny responded she'd chosen Dean Thomas, was that better?

"Err, no!" Remus yelped in surprise while Sirius and James laughed harder.

"What bloke dates a dorm mates younger sister, that's a spell for disaster if I've ever heard one," James rolled his eyes in agreement.

"Can you imagine the idiot?" Sirius demanded.

Ron shouted in such surprise he upended the chessboard.

As the train slowed down in the approach to King's Cross, Harry thought he had never wanted to leave it less.

"Wait, no, you skipped the best part!" Sirius yelped.

"Ginny told Ron to shut up, and he was in a temper the rest of the trip and muttering death threats to our dorm mate," Harry shrugged, even as at the time he'd agreed with Ron whenever demanded of, he'd mostly just been watching Ginny and that little smirk she'd kept hidden behind her paper for further irritating her brother in this way, it had been quite the show to watch and he'd wished the moment would never end.

He even wondered fleetingly what would happen if he simply refused to get off, but remained stubbornly sitting there until the first of September, when it would take him back to Hogwarts.

"I really do wish you'd find out what happened, just once, let that be now," Sirius said tragically, and it wasn't a farce at a all. It had been there for one shining glorious moment before it was wrenched away, and then it had been left to hover, fester, in the back while Sirius had been on the run, incapable of fulfilling what they'd wanted from the very beginning. Now it was gone, permanently. Harry would never be able to step off that train to a real home.

When it finally puffed to a standstill, however, he lifted down Hedwig' cage and prepared to drag his trunk from the train as usual.

When the ticket inspector signaled to Harry, Ron and Hermione that it was safe to walk through the magical barrier between platforms nine and ten, however, he found a surprise awaiting him on the other side: a group of people standing there to greet him who he had not expected at all.

There was Mad-Eye Moody, looking quite as sinister with his bowler hat pulled low over his magical eye as he would have done without it, his gnarled hands clutching a long staff, his body wrapped in a voluminous travelling cloak. Tonks stood just behind him, her bright bubble-gum-pink hair gleaming in the sunlight filtering through the dirty glass of the station ceiling, wearing heavily patched jeans and a bright purple T-shirt bearing the legend The Weird Sisters. Next to Tonks was Lupin, his face pale, his hair greying, a long and threadbare overcoat covering a shabby jumper and trousers.

Remus couldn't believe his eyes, just staring at that and sure he'd read that wrong until James began laughing beside him. It was wild, and jittery, but he clapped Remus on the shoulder and shouted right in his ear, "there's Moony always coming through for us."

Remus didn't even have it in him to pull away, rub at his ear for the volume, he seemed stumped at what to do with himself. Finally, just a small little part of their wish had been granted, and yet it felt as bitterly tainted as spoiled milk. Because there was still someone missing, there always would be now, and Remus had never been there a single moment before this for Harry. It felt meaningless he'd done it now.

The others clearly didn't agree, Sirius shifting restlessly and prepared to wrestle the book from him if he didn't keep going, to find out what this was about! Was it finally happening, had Dumbledore changed his mind and admitted to another way? Was the Order going to take Harry out from those Dursleys noses at last?!

If James prodding Remus in the side hadn't got him started Remus likely wouldn't have moved ever again, but he shook off the terrible thoughts of this future and forced himself to focus on the now, Sirius still smiling widely and eagerly at him, and so he crossed his fingers to do one thing right and read out a moment they all so desperately needed.

At the front were Mr. and Mrs. Weasley along with the twins, the mother already coming forward to hug her children. Ron took his absently as he kept eyeing the twins, demanding what they were wearing?

Fred said dragonskin jackets with pride.

"Treating themselves a bit," Lily muttered with a raised brow as Remus gave a low whistle of surprise.

"They deserve it," Sirius said at once, smiling widely at the prospect and honestly wanting to snap the book shut on Remus' fingers right there, just let this moment last forever.

Remus would have ignored him anyways, their fantasies would only be worse the longer they delayed moving on, so he kept going loudly to really see what all this was about.

Harry greeted them all, but couldn't help asking what they were doing here?

Lupin had a faint smile in place as he said they'd decided to have a little chat with his aunt and uncle before letting them take him home.

Lily groaned obnoxiously loudly and let her head flop back against her seat. It was so exaggerated Harry couldn't help bursting out with laughter seeing his mother do something like that, and so Remus' expression went unnoticed by everyone except James. He'd realized the moment that look had flitted across his friends face what he could have thought they meant, and while the hope had been there he'd never let this blame fall on him either. "Moony, I don't care what made you do it, you are! Be happy about something for once in your life! Those bloody Muggles needed someone to remind them of who they have to look after until you show up again!" He managed to hiss at him while the other three were distracted.

Remus just looked at him, unable to believe after all this time, after all he'd done, Prongs was still standing up for him, even against himself. He'd finally lost everything in this future, but here and now he couldn't help but smile while he kept going, clinging to the idea he wouldn't be alone here.

Harry at once said he didn't think that a good idea, but Moody corrected he did, and gestured over his shoulder confirming that as them.

Harry glanced slightly and found all three standing there, positively appalled at his reception.

"A gift in itself," Sirius nodded as if his wish really had been made. It wasn't on the same level as satisfying if Harry had just left with the people he should have, but honestly after so much misery he'd take what he could get.

Mr. Weasley seemed rather reluctant to turn away from greeting Hermione's parents, but was the one to say they should get this started.

"Be afraid," James said in a mock spooky voice.

The four crossed with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, Arthur still pleasantly speaking the greeting to them in hopes they'd remember him.

"Hard to forget the man," Lily managed in between a righteous little giggle.

As Mr. Weasley had single-handedly demolished most of the Dursleys' living room two years previously, Harry would have been very surprised if Uncle Vernon had forgotten him. Sure enough, Uncle Vernon turned a deeper shade of puce and glared at Mr. Weasley, but chose not to say anything, partly, perhaps, because the Dursleys were outnumbered two to one. Aunt Petunia looked both frightened and embarrassed; she kept glancing around, as though terrified somebody she knew would see her in such company.

"Come on universe, I don't care who, I want someone to appear and see her there," James said at once, anything to make this just marginally worse for the people who still deserved more than they were going to get, but this was the first time Moony had been in their company, and he wasn't going to be satisfied until they walked away with stains in their pants.

Dudley, meanwhile, seemed to be trying to look small and insignificant, a feat at which he was failing extravagantly.

"Better than trying to look intimidating, he'd just fail at that more," Sirius sneered.

Arthur was continuing his politeness as he said they'd decided to have a little chat with them about Harry-

and how he was treated when at their place, Moody interrupted with his growled voice.

"Be very afraid," Remus agreed with a slight smile now for this show.

Uncle Vernon's mustache seemed to bristle with indignation. Possibly because the bowler hat gave him the entirely mistaken impression that he was dealing with a kindred spirit, he addressed himself to Moody.

Five collective snorts of laughter for just how wrong that impression was, Harry's coming out a bit more runny than he'd meant to. His eyes were misting again. He didn't want to be reduced to tears again so soon, but he couldn't help it, he'd never in his life seen so many people to show him support like this...

Stating he was not aware that it was any of their business what went on in his house-

Moody interrupted again to state that he expected what Vernon wasn't aware of would fill several books.

Sirius gave a wild, unconstrained laugh that didn't stop for several minutes!

"That's too kind, I find encyclopedia far more accurate," Remus huffed.

"Credit for trying," Lily shrugged, she'd have been cheering them all on for someone finally doing something about this!

"Guess we'll just have to settle for these," James tried to roll his eyes like this was all fun.

Uncle Vernon swelled ominously. His sense of outrage seemed to outweigh even his fear of this bunch of oddballs.

"Oh he has no idea," Sirius muttered, his enthusiasm still prevailing over the little frown he carried and refused to acknowledge. What he would give to be there for Harry now, even more than ever before, as gratitude was washing over his little pup now like never before.

He demanded if he was being threatened?

Mad-Eye happily agreed he was, seeming rather pleased Vernon had grasped this so quickly.

"The man has one trick, and now they've all seen it," James sneered.

Vernon barked if he looked like a man who could be intimidated?

Moody began that yes, it seemed so, as he spoke he tipped his hat up so his eye was visible, and Vernon lept back with such shock he collided with a nearby trolley cart and both fell over.

Lily was giggling hysterically now, the triumphant feeling wouldn't fade that finally someone was standing up to that pompous blubber even if it wasn't the man they'd all been hoping for.

He turned away from Uncle Vernon to survey Harry, telling him to give a shout if he needed anything, and if they didn't hear from him for three days, someone would come along.

Remus gave his head a soft little annoyed shake, remembering Harry's second year and how he'd gone most of the summer without contact and it had been practically ignored, oh how things had changed, almost for the better, right? He tried to keep James' words in mind at least Harry could never be so ignored again.

Aunt Petunia whimpered piteously. It could not have been plainer that she was thinking of what the neighbors would say if they caught sight of these people marching up the garden path.

"So, Harry should ask them to come over for tea sooner rather than later," Sirius obviously concluded.

They each said their goodbyes then, promising they'd see him soon.

Harry nodded. He somehow could not find words to tell them what it meant to him, to see them all ranged there, on his side. Instead, he smiled, raised a hand in farewell, turned around and led the way out of the station towards the sunlit street, with Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley hurrying along in his wake.

Harry gave one last broken sob as he brushed furiously at new tears still arriving. Sirius had never once been able to pick him up from the station, as any semblance for that promise of a home, a family, and now he never could; but that didn't mean he had to be alone.

HPHPHPHPHP

That last moment always felt a little hollow to me. I know what JK was going for, but it never goes anywhere, the Order never actually acts on these implied threats because the Dursley's were long since scared straight by the idea of Sirius. It's kind of nice they tried to keep this going, but Harry never even would have told them Sirius was dead so they never would have known the difference, the threats never carry through, and so I couldn't manage to make this book end any other way because the book itself ended so dang depressing to me.

With that being said-

I! Actually! Finished! My! Favorite! Book!

For real guys, I can hardly believe this is over! It has by far been the most dramatic, climactic, and emotional one yet, and not all just for the characters. Someone made the review, though I can no longer check, that it would be at the point of The Department of Mysteries that most authors would stop, and while I swore I wasn't going to do that, that's when the original copy got taken down. Points for irony fanfiction! I didn't stop though, I never shall, and honestly even in the following deaths of the last two books none will ever feel as powerful as this one did.

Thoughts on Order of the Phoenix:

I could honestly gush about this one for ages, but I'll try to keep it to a low roar. Hem, hem; The mystery is as overwhelmingly engaging as any predecessor, JK dropping that Department of Mysteries corridor and presenting it as just a dream for so long before it fully ties in never ceased to amaze me how she keeps managing to surprise me like that. The characters are just brilliant, they all feel so alive in even the smallest scene any one person is in, and has there ever been a worse villain created? There are those out there who sympathize and understand even Voldemort, but has there ever been a soul that didn't loath Umbridge worse than the main series villain? I don't even think the Dementors could handle her soul, not really, considering I'm not genuinely sure she had one. The twins had their own side plot and every time it was mentioned I start grinning like a crazy person, there has never been nor will there ever be such an epic leave from that castle. Every single chapter feels like a genuine combination of light hearted life and the shit about to hit the fan syndrome for the last book, and THAT ENDING! Gah, 14 years later and I'm still a mess over poor Sirius and Harry and Remus, sometimes I have to actually stop and realize I'm crying over fake characters because it's all so compelling and just real in the most important way; she made me care from the moment Sirius swore to Harry's face he'd never do a thing against his dead best friend, and then she killed him two books later! 10/10; Favorite book in the series, nothing beats the heavy weight that is Order of the Phoenix.

Instead of making you guys wait before I start posting six, I'll actually have a special surprise for you in the meantime, so you won't just have to go months without hearing from me, so look to my profile for that special little thing coming up in the meantime about November.

I would like to thank every single living, and the unliving if there are any of those who read, person who read this. Every review/favorite means oh so much to me! Thank you to all, and I bid you good day.

#The Life That Never Lived #Harry Potter #fanfcition #reading the books #OotP #Marauders #Jilly #James Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius black #Lily Potter #HP