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chaoskid-deer · 8 months

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today’s episode has so many GREAT (heartbreaking) moments but one thing that really struck me was how Seward is doing. He uses a lot of clinical language that could easily be interpreted as him being more emotionally removed but jonny sims’ performance makes me think how much of that is a coping mechanism to try desperately to keep it together so he can do his job as Lucy’s doctor, as well as how much he is straight up UNABLE to process his own feelings.

Especially during the part where he’s comforting Arthur, and talking a lot about Masculine Grief, it doesn’t feel like someone trying to assert how tough and manly they are, it feels more like he’s grasping at straws trying to figure out how to comfort his friend and trying to justify that him mostly just standing there holding Arthur was Ok and A Good Job. Arthur is telling him that he doesn’t know what he has to live for, and as we know from Seward’s opening lines, Seward doesn’t know either!!! He’s basically standing there wanting to die listening to the strongest, best man he knows ask him how he’s supposed to go on and has NOTHING to give Arthur. But for some reason just holding him and crying together seemed ok? So maybe he did something right? Must have been because Arthur is so Manly and Perfect that he didn’t need a lot of comfort to pull through. (Oh Seward, it’s because you’re his BEST FRIEND and you’ve been there for him at great personal cost this whole time, give yourself some credit)

This ties in to a lot of @see-arcane ‘s excellent analysis of how Seward likes to hold up his friends as Better People than him, and take cues about how to act from them, and uses performing masculinity and clinical distance as a crutch because he thinks there’s something inherently wrong with him that he’s afraid of.

And right now, he doesn’t even have the time to process his own feelings. Lucy has died, and on top of grieving the woman he loves, he also feels as though he’s failed her as her doctor. But Arthur need support and is busy with his fathers death, Lucy has no nearby relatives, van helsing is busy with his own mysterious quest, and all of the administrative work of death still needs to be handled by someone.

Arthur gets to lay his head against the sofa and pray. Van Helsing gets to beat his palms and sob. But for Seward, there is work to be done, and he won’t let himself break down until it’s done. And his work is never done.

#i know he’s dr malpractice but he gets clowned on in the text so much that I that I can’t clown on him more #he’s too pathetic #so this is half analysis half me checking up on him #he’s doing bad #and I am sad #dracula #dracula daily #re: dracula #deer chatters

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lilac-5ky · 2 years

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Insomnia (Takasugi x Fem!Reader Oneshot)

A/N: okay, maybe I'm not fine at all after watching SA arc. maybe this is more painful than intended. maybe this is softer than intended. so what? lemme pour my depression into something with this short fic.

spoiler alert: i can't believe i did this in the end.

Plot: You can't sleep and you go to Takasugi for help.

Warning: Emotional Damage

"I can’t sleep."

"Hmm?" Takasugi asked, not bothering to lift his gaze off the assortment of papers on his desk.

The room was quiet, and so was the ship, the only sound you could discern being the quiet rumble of the engines inside the vessel’s bowels. It felt as if the only two people still unaffected by the night were you and him. Even at this time of the day, he refused to take a break, dealing with the most insignificant paperwork all by himself.

Perhaps working himself to this extent offered him some sort of comfort, deluding him into thinking that he was moving forward even when his own heart had seemingly stopped in the past.

"Let me sleep with you." You asked in a voice that sounded more like a command.

"Can’t you see I'm working?" He mumbled, ignoring your presence even as you leaned over his shoulder.

"The Kiheitai thank you for your contribution to our fight with this basket full of yak-" You attempted to read his scribbling when he snatched it away from your sight.

"Whom are you trying to thank with Yakult? Is it our new allies?"

Takasugi flipped the letter upside down, propping his elbows on top of it. He didn’t mean for you to pry into his business, though you couldn’t help but smile at his simplicity. Even when he was a man who could read into the wants of others with ease, he always struggled with the simplest things, such as thanking or apologizing to someone.

"If you sleep with me, I’ll take care of your letter for you."

"Aren't you daring." He pointed out, crumbling the paper into a ball.

Despite his snarky comment, you could see his green orb shimmer at the sound of your words, visibly interested in your proposition. After all, you were far better at such mundane and inconspicuous things than he could ever aspire to be.

Defeated, Takasugi let out a sigh, dragging his chair off to the side.

"Five letters. And you’d better keep the gift appropriate," he said, moving towards the corner where his covers lied "they aren’t our friends. Just foul cards to be discarded in the next round."

"With yakult setting the bar, I think I'll manage." You smiled, watching as he set the futon onto the floor.

Although his back was turned on you, you could already feel the irritation exuding from his body. With his nose shriveling and his bottom lip twitching ever so slightly, Takasugi’s menacing aura was enough to cloud the entire room.

"Will you stop fooling around?"

Instead of picking a fight or arguing back, he lied against the futon, covering his lower half with the covers.

"Won’t you switch to something else?" You asked, nodding at his purple yukata.

It wasn’t particularly rare for him to sleep in his everyday clothes, considering most of the time he was forced to be en garde. Such special privileges come with being a world class terrorist.

"Just shut it and sleep already." He mumbled against the pillow, patting for you to lie beside him.

"Yes, sir." You humored once you’d comfortably slipped underneath the covers.

It was so nice and warm. Him, that was.

"Shinsuke?" You asked, pressing your body tight against his.

"I know, I know."

A pair of arms snaked around your waist, enclosing you in a snug embrace. He knew you so well, you noted as you squeezed your eyes shut. You always felt safe in his arms; it’d be only a matter of minutes for you to drift off.

Or so you thought.

After fifteen minutes that felt more like a millennia passed, you felt your own eyelids protesting. Forcing them shut had no effect on you. No matter what, you just couldn’t fall asleep.

"Shinsuke?" You asked again, in a quieter voice than the one you used before. "Are you sleeping?"

Rather than giving you an answer, he simply sighed, his hot breath lightly tingling the shell of your ear.

"Can’t you help me a bit more?"

For a moment, it was so quiet that the only sound in the room was that of his breathing heaving against your back. Could he have fallen asleep already? Had you misheard?

"What should I do?" Takasugi asked in a breathy tone. Perhaps he was more tired than he’d like to admit.

"Well… how about you narrate a story for me? Your voice is… soothing." You admitted.

"Why do I have to engage in Kamishibai this late?" He protested, attempting to drag his arms away.

"N-no, it’s fine." You said, fixing his arms back in place. "How about we talk then?"

"Is there something on your mind?" He asked.

You took about a minute to contemplate everything that transpired today. Unfortunately, it was a rather mundane day with nothing particularly interesting or bothersome happening.

"…Not really."

A muffled chuckle echoed from behind.

"You are hopeless." He scoffed, pressing his lips closer to your ear. "You’d better listen carefully now."

To your surprise, Takasugi began to talk on his own, mindlessly monologuing about his future plans and other work-related subjects, such as upcoming missions and the complex strategies Takechi’d come up with. He didn’t shy away from details either, babbling to you about the new types of ammo he’d cashed in, as well as the individual prices for each cargo.

You could tell he was doing his best to bore you, bringing up technicalities that neither of you found particularly fascinating, but when such technicalities were spoken in his voice, you had a hard time not paying attention. You could listen to him talk for the rest of eternity if needed.

Once he was done listing every single thing from his to-do list, he started talking about matters that involved your crew-mates. From Matako accidentally knocking Takechi out when he impersonated him and Bansai taking an extended leave to compose new songs for that pop idol, to Kamui following him around like some sort of bloodthirsty hound, demanding a duel every living moment of his life.

All the while he talked about his friends, a hint of warmth had seeped into his words, one that he’d never openly admit to possessing. Thinking of his comrades and friends as disposable tools had always been easier on him, even when neither he nor you believed that. To them, his ties with them were perhaps some of the most important of those he’d forged. In his own way, he cared to preserve each and every one of them, silently protecting all of you with his blade through thick and thin. That’s just the kind of man he was.

You had no idea how much time had passed, your ears attuned to his voice and your lids bating along to his words. If asked, you’d fail to retrace everything he’d said, though that didn’t stop you from listening intently to his every word with a smile on your face. It was rare for him to be so open without nagging, and it really was nice of him to give it a try, but... your problem was still there. You still failed to sleep.

"… And because of that, I doubt those Hitotsubashi goons will value their... word." He concluded, a soft yawn intercepting his sentence.

"You are right, they can’t be trusted. Such people only deal in power and money, they care about neither affiliation nor allegiance."

"You are still awake?" He asked, a hint of surprise in his voice.

He must have thought that after subjecting you to such a prolonged lecture, you would have finally fallen asleep, yet you were still there.

"I’m sorry… I couldn’t help but pay attention. After all, you remain my commander." You said, admittedly embarrassed.

Somehow, having such an intimate relationship with the man who was supposed to be your boss always made you feel a bit giddy. Out of all the women on board, out of all the women in the world, you were the one he’d chosen, the one who shared everything with him, his bed and life included.

"Then as your commander, I command you to sleep."

"It doesn’t work like this!" You objected, bumping your elbow onto his stomach.

Takasugi heaved another sigh. It wasn’t as if you meant to torture him, really. Most of the time, lying by his side was all it took for you to doze off, though that wasn’t the case at the moment. Neither his ramblings nor his hugs were enough to lull you to sleep.

That’s it!

"I have an idea!" You exclaimed. "How about you sing something for me?"

A strangled sound followed your words, presumably from his side. If you didn’t know any better, you would have mistaken that for him choking.

"Are you out of your mind?" He asked in disbelief.

Though you couldn’t see it, a light shade of red bloomed across his cheeks, the proposition alone being enough to abash him.

"I think I can fall asleep to your voice if there are no words for me to read into."

You turned your head around, attempting to steal a glimpse of his face when he averted his eye from yours, trying his best to keep his own embarrassment to himself.

"Please?" You begged, briefly nuzzling his neck.

The faint smell of tobacco was etched in his yukata’s hem, though it didn’t bother you. If anything, his scent had always been a source of comfort.

"If you fail to sleep this time, you are on your own." He muttered in a strict tone. "Turn around."

Obliging, you shifted to your original position, curling your body in between his arms. You were so excited that it was hard to keep to yourself. You couldn’t believe this was about to happen.

Takasugi took a final deep breath before pursing his lips together, producing a soft, near-inaudible sound that imitated a hum. At first you failed to recognize the song, the lack of lyrics giving you no clues as to what it was, yet that melody sounded oddly familiar. It wasn’t until he began to sparsely spell the lyrics that you realized his song was a traditional nursery rhyme, one meant as a lullaby.

Beyond that mountain, back to her home.

As a souvenir from her home, what did you get?

A toy drum and a small bamboo flute.

The way he sang for you was so intimate that before you knew it, you could feel your own heart thumping inside your chest to the rhythm. His voice was deep yet mellow, the affection he held for you pouring out of his every word while he cradled you, occasionally pressing his fingers tighter against your body.

"Y/N?" His humming had come to a stop, yet your eyes remained wide open.

There was no way for you to get any sleep that night, and for the first time, you were content with that. Even when Takasugi was right there, a part of you kept missing him no matter how many nights you slept together or how many mornings you woke up next to each other. No matter how much he gave to you, you always found yourself selfishly asking for more. You wanted all of him, all he had to give, just him.

"Y/N?" He asked again, gently prompting you to answer, while you did your best to remain still.

He’d already tried his best, there was no reason to keep requesting his aid. For now, pretending to have fallen asleep while comfortably resting in his arms was enough.

Once he made sure you had passed out, you felt his nose along with his lips pressing against the back of your head, planting a soft kiss on your hair.

"You have some nerve keeping me up only to sleep so soundly." He scoffed, no malice in his tone whatsoever.

"The least you can do is sleep well. As for me, I…"

He seemed hesitant. Even when he thought you were asleep, whispering those three little words was a task impossible for him. As long as he didn’t admit his feelings to you, as long as he kept them hidden in his heart, then maybe you wouldn’t slip away from him. Maybe withholding them from you was enough to save you from his curse.

"I…" He began again, only to hesitate once more.

"I hope the day will come when I can share those words with you. Perhaps after everything is settled... no," He shook his head, the tip of his nose rubbing against your nape. "We both know that day won’t come.

"In that case, I promise that until the day this wretched heart stops beating, it shall only beat for you. I... love you."

His words felt heavier than lead as they poured out of him, forcing your eyes to well up. You wanted to return them, to tell him and prove him just how much you loved him, but for now, all you could do was keep your eyes closed, silently weeping in your pretend slumber.

Until that day comes, my heart is yours. I love you, too.

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