#also looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong

[zealsoughtsequesterustanxiedemon]

Thinking about new years resolutions. I usually like making a list with the caveat that I'm not beholden to it. I feel like having exact goals and forcing myself to do them often doesn't work, it just sorta makes me feel worse when I can't do them. I'm self aware enough to feel satisfied about doing something I want without making it a hard goal. So anyways here's a more nebulous ramble of stuff I wanna do in this new year. Less I have to do this and more a direction of what I know will make me happy C:

I wanna cut out the dead time in my schedule. Not like the time I need to rest and do nothing or have pointless conversations with friends; I've learned those are kind of necessary to life. It's okay to not do anything when you feel bad, especially when the reason isn't tangible. No I want to cut to the chase when I'm lollygagging on deciding what to do with my free time, I wanna cut out stuff I just do to pass the time; when I'm not shutting down or not feeling it, I want to intentionally be doing the stuff that I know I'll love. I'm old enough that I know my tastes, I know what I'll like and I should just do it.

I wanna actually get through some of the games that have been on my list for a long time, the classic vns, the recommendations from my friends, etc.

I wanna get back to reading manga. It's a medium I've neglected a lot for the latter half of this last decade. And that's a shame because it's a medium that, when I like it, I'm fucking ravenous for. Shit is so easy to consume, I can do it right in bed and stay up for hours because I'm obsessed.

I wanna read at least a little bit more text. Reading books has often been a struggle for me because of attention issues (always losing my place and reading the same paragraph 14 times, not being able to shut out distracting noises so I have to idle until they stop, during the day I'm too antsy to read, and when it's too late or too early reading isn't stimulating enough for me to not drift off to sleep or get distracted). But there's books I want to read, books I know I'll love, books that have been on my shelf for 5+ years that i just haven't gotten to. Mainly I wanna start actually reading the monogatari LNs. I feel like it'll give me a greater appreciation of the series and open me up to parts of the fandom I feel like I've been cut off from forever. I consider it my favorite series so I wanna embrace every part of it.

I wanna watch anime for myself again. I always feel like I'm not watching any anime, even when i do. I've doing that tried-and-true trick of just watching anime with friends every week for like 7 years that I employed to keep myself from wasting away when i was in that post-college, retail job deep depression. But I've fallen out of watching stuff consistently on my own. I do it sometimes, but its usually when its a show i can obsess over a show w/ my online friends together (love you dis and mattie), but when we don't have that I often don't have the motivation. I wanna watch old stuff and new stuff and my friends' fav animes. I'll finish Aria one day and eventually start watching Lain.

I wanna post my feelings more. I feel like this site has enabled me to do that more than twitter (this itself is kind of an exercise in that), I just haven't gotten into the full swing because I've had poor time management and am still getting used to doing it. I want to express myself more to friends (both new and old). I feel like I'm so bad at managing communication with online friends; never reaching out to hang or initiating conversations. I can sometimes get intrusive thoughts born from jealousy or inferiority that make me feel insecure about some of the closest people I've ever known when the root of the issue is often just being bad at reaching out to them when they're usually free. Also, I just wanna play games w/ my friends more, even if I'm bad at it.

This is a new years resolution, but i wanna work out more. Specifically i wanna get back on that lower body routine I was on. In general I just want to boost my ass and thighs (my ass was never that skinny because i played hockey growing up, but there's potential i could be better exploring) and maybe trim my tummy a lil. I'm not actually all that dissatisfied with where I'm at now: soft at rest, but puffing out my chest will just barely give me that slightly buff look (for a guy) where the chest sticks out a lil bit further than the belly. My ideal is to sorta to be able to do both. I'm not too ambitious in going further than that, but I think I can reach that (or at least maintain where I'm at) if I can get on that basic lower body + cardio routine. Plus it'll get me more excited about cosplaying.

I wanna get more fem clothes and be more comfortable dressing fem around actual people. I want stuff that actually looks good together. I want to be confident enough to go outside in it and feel nice even if people are weird about it. I only went out once in a skirt and it was at 3 am walking down my street and back and i was basically just at critical-level-paranoid the whole time despite there being actually nobody else. It's something I've been interested in forever. I wanna be good at coordinating outfits in general; it's always looked fun, but depression, anxiety, and expectations about nerdy guys have always held me back.

I wanna get more fuckin sex toys. This is not in a down-on-myself-way, but, oddly enough, I'm a little ashamed that I'm a guy so late in my 20s that's explored so little of what I actually do to my body to get off. I should be a pro at rearranging my own guts by now. Like I'm confident in saying masturbating is kind of a hobby for me, I would do it even if I didn't have a sex drive that compels it because it's actually just fun for me. So I should treat it like a hobby where I actually learn about how to better please my body (as well as train it).

I wanna bake more. I can make bread now, I wanna be making that shit almost every week. I wanna bake more cookies. Cookies are one of the foods you can actually send through the mail so that means I cook actually send food out to friends and they could eat it. I could be actually making food for people and not be cagey about it! gotta learn what stuff they might actually like. But also for me. It's so satisfying just to be able to make the things you like, to be self-sufficient in that kinda way. I wanna learn how to cook more in general. There's a sense of control and power where you can just make your favorite things.

I wanna actually try writing fiction/fanfiction. Even if it's gunna be bad and cringe. I envy those who can do it even if it's written like a joke or done badly. I'd love to write stories, either about my own characters or just about my favorite ones from media. Specifically this year I've kinda learned about how good fanfiction can really be even when its sloppy or improvisational or the author doesn't feel good about it or all of the above. It's similar to cooking and baking where it feels like a magic power that you can actually learn how to do in this world.

#long post #anx-i-e-demons #zealthoughts #lel vent tag because some of this is definitely tmi #there's probably more I'm not thinking of but this is the jist of what i wanna work on this year #maybe try learning languages? #at this point I feel like I'm more likely to improve on that if I DON'T include that in my new years resolutions post #also looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong #please don't read this it's embarrassing

[faustandfurious]

The inherent homoeroticism of killing your enemy and immediately regretting it

#faust.doc #congrats you made it to the tags on the original post #yes this was about coriolanus #death note is also a good guess #i don’t know who all those other people are but glad you’re having fun with your blorbo tragedy

[visualsine]

fuck you

#shut UP about plinko. i see you typing horse plinko in the tags shut upp #ok to ppl in the notes: yes it is the window xp horse cursor #also to ppl in the notes: no you dumb fucks i didnt record myself running my cursor across the screen. i found it on gifcities #floor tag #gif warning #flashing

[sternen--staub]

occasional posts from users

#tumblr #this is hilarious #whispers #i can still hear their voices #also since when is tumblr a social media site? #me talking

[anotherknifeinmyhands]

"EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL TO THE POINT OF STERILE UNFUCKABILITY. " 1 . // 2. // 3. // 4.

#web weaving #parallels #THIS POST LOVES TRANS PEOPLE IM TRANS AND IF YOU INTERACT YOU SHOULD ALSO LOVE TRANS PEOPLE #ID in alt text #greatest hits

[carouselcometh]

We have asked girl for help countless times, now it is the time we offer her our help

#Also I just realized since I don’t use the app and never will and I exclusively use tumblr through the web app on my phone I’m fine I think

[fxa]

#i did not create this. i got it from reddit. the source link has been right there in plain sight since the day i reposted it here. #also i didn't think this would get notes so i didn't add alt text until later... so the op has alt text but not the popular chain. sorry #id in alt #100k #10k #1k #100 #blazed #brba #bluh

[lilacandladybugs]

i think tumblr is the only website where users have to employ the scientific method to figure out how it works

#containment breach #eslyea hall of fame #also wtf

[kellykline]

Sam’s gone off to bed, citing the day's journey and his old bones as excuses. Jack says he’s gone off to bed, but he’s probably going to sneak in a few episodes of The Good Place. That just leaves Dean and Cas, beer bottles in hand at the map table. There's no mission to be carried out, no sense of urgency nagging at them, it’s just… them. Together.

Cas sets his beer back on the table and it seems like he's going to get up. Dean doesn't want this to end, this warm and comfortable moment, so he splutters out the first thing he can think of.

"Are you hungry? I could eat!" Dean cringes internally. He’d just finished dinner half an hour ago. It sounds desperate to his own ears, but Cas just smiles fondly and shakes his head.

"Dean, you know I don't eat."

"Well, you don't need to, but you obviously do," Dean says. Cas's half empty beer bottle is proof enough of that.

"I can eat, but that is for social benefit. To celebrate a job well done," Cas says, fingers idly trailing through the condensation on the bottle, "Besides, I don't enjoy food the way I did when I was human. It all tastes too much like molecules."

It sounds like Cas wishes he could do something about it, so Dean instantly latches onto it as a problem to be fixed.

"Are there molecules you like the taste of?" Cas blinks in surprise as if the idea had never occurred to him.

"I suppose it's possible," he murmurs, "But I've never tried to find them. I imagine they'd all be about the same."

"Like how?"

Cas blows out a blustery sigh. "Oh, you know, too complex. Too many elements, long polymers chains, complicated folding patterns. It's all too much to take in."

"Then we'll find some simpler ones. Easy as that." Dean gets up and grabs Cas's hand, a tingle flashing over his skin where they touch. Cas opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it. He goes easily when Dean drags him out of his seat.

-

That's how they end up sitting on the kitchen floor long into the wee hours of the morning, surrounded by bottles and cans and boxes of every edible substance they can find. For each one Cas carefully scoops out a sample and passes judgment. He hates the texture of mayonnaise, honey is more intellectually interesting than gustatorily, coffee smells good and tastes horrible, et cetera.

They’d abandoned produce pretty early on after Cas decided that if he didn’t like broccoli, kale wasn’t going to be much different. The head of cabbage from Sam's side of the fridge is looking sad and wilted enough that Dean feels guilty about leaving it out. He hears Cas rustling around in one of the cabinets as he puts condiments and containers that failed the test back in their rightful places.

“Hey Cas, do you think–?” And he turns to see Cas wrist deep in a box of baking soda.

There is, of course, the space of time when Dean could say something. It’s not for eating, put it back, we’ll find something else. But Cas brings a dusty finger up to his mouth and carefully licks it, and a beaming smile breaks out across his face.

“Dean, I like these molecules!” he exclaims. There’s a smudge of white across his bottom lip.

“That’s awesome, Cas,” Dean says, because what else could he say when there’s a bigger smile on Cas’s face than he’s ever seen before?

Cas puts a fistful of baking soda in his mouth and laughs. Little puffs of powder leave his mouth with every exhale, like cold breath in winter.

Cas looks happier than he has in all the time Dean has ever known him. Over a leavener. Dean will buy a box for him every time he runs out. No, before he does. He’ll get those big four pound bags that no one ever buys. Dean will be the sole force standing between Cas and a baking soda-less life.

Just as Dean’s considering what becoming Arm & Hammer’s most loyal customer would entail, Cas extends the box to him and says, “Want some?”

Cas’s first instinct upon discovering a solution to a problem which had been bothering him for years is to share it with Dean. He feels absurdly like crying.

“Sure. Good for stomach aches, y’know?” Dean just says stuff sometimes, not even knowing if he means it. He takes a pinch between two fingers and immediately spills half of it down his shirt.

It tastes way worse than he thought it would. Dean just barely resists making a face as he tries to roughly swallow whatever hadn’t dissolved in his mouth.

“Salty,” he chokes out.

"Yes! That's the ions dissociating. Can you feel it?" His eyes are wide and bright. Fuck, are his cheeks a little pink? Dean's feeling flushed himself.

He lets himself cough just once before saying, "No, buddy, I think that's just a you thing." He longs for the dregs of the beer he left out there.

"Dean," Cas starts, staring down into his box, "Thank you."

"For what? You found it all by yourself." He wouldn't even have thought to suggest it.

"Thank you for giving me the push I needed to try," Cas says, a wry smile growing on his face as he looks up, "You always seem to do that."

If Cas takes Dean's impulses and crafts something better out of them, he's just happy to be part of the process.

"Anytime, Cas. I mean it. If I'd known that something like this could make you so happy," Dean inhales carefully here, "I'd have done it years ago."

Cas must get it because his eyes go wide and he stops breathing. He fidgets with his box. He crams another handful into his mouth.

"We should. Um. Get to bed. It's late, Dean."

"Yeah! Yeah. You'll... be here tomorrow, right?" Cas doesn't leave, doesn't wander the way he used to but it's always a possibility hovering around the edges of Dean's perceptions.

"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Dean."

-

And then that's how it goes. Sam finds Cas's habit funny. Jack joins in on it, though not with the same level of gusto as Cas demonstrates. There's always a box of baking soda in one of Cas's pockets, two if he's lucky. If Dean looks hard enough he can usually see a white streak of it somewhere on Cas's coat. His hands are often dusted with it like a baker's. If it feels gritty between Dean's fingers, who cares? It's what makes Cas happy and that's all that matters.

READ THE SEQUEL HERE

#which is why hocky fic is good #destiel #also makes me mad that the kl*nce shippers ruined vld #jeb's

[spiderversegf]

i love small joys so much!!!! yes i love my coffee in my favorite mug!!! i love the sun spilling in the window!!! i love the wind on my face!!! i love my blanket over my lap!!! i love the clouds in the sky!!!! i am seeking joy in every moment!!!!

#🍜 #small joys #it is good to be alive !! it is good and i am trying so hard to rmr that #🧷 #also this is #ok to rb #if u feel so called

[wingedbeings]

girlboss? no. boyloser. guyfailure. dudenobody

#kio.txt #(edit: terfs kill yourself challenge this isnt abt ur idiotic takes this is a meaningless haha post abt words. #trans women are women and youre a piece of shit and also incredibly stupid hope this helps.) #chapne'er-do-well #fellowquitter #ladwashout etc etc #need you all to know this was actually yhe night before i learned what was going on w the banned tags this came to me like a vision before i #passed clean out

[whimsyprinx]

,,, this certainly was a choice is all I’m saying

#rambles #spotify wrapped #me editing this two days later #so y’all who reblog this directly from me know I’m suffering /j #no it’s like fun seeing yalls thoughts but my god tumblr is so broken I just wanna cut off the notifications and it won’t let me I’ve tried #I’ve got other notifs I wanna see ;-; #I miss my friends #also my friends keep bullying me and reblogging this telling me not to forget them since I’m famous now 🙄 the fools #the fame #it’s not worth losing it all T-T #previously I only tagged spotify wrapped and my talk tag now you’re getting me saying stupid shit #to get an idea of what type of person posts this #especially since y’all keep following me which is lovely but I’m not this funny all the time like #I’ve already said it but I’m a sad faerie enthusiast who like fashion and drawing #and especially lately has been sad posting a lot #so follow at your own risk yall #I’m happy rn tho so yay

[bat-bestie]

how am i supposed to function under these conditions [sleepy]

#also [skin feels bad from vaccine]

[lokidokeyartichoki]

“phones are disrupting natural sleep cycles” I mean true but also bold of you to assume I had one before the tech boom lol catch me out here reading chapter books by the light of my light up pens in the third grade

#true fact I did read an entire chapter book by one of those souvenir light up pens #because my parents told me it was lights out and I wanted to finish my book #also I remember drinking monster at like 2 am in high school because my body speed ran that shit and it exhausted me right to sleep #90s adhd kids made do #WhY dOnT yOu HaVe A nOrMaL cIrCaDiAn RhYtHm #I DUNNO DEBBA MAYBE MY BRAIN HAS NEVER MADE THE SLEEP JUICE #ppl be like ‘oh just go to bed early’ without realizing I will NOT sleep unless I’m tired regardless of effort #izzy at home #that late night bullshit

[doodle-empress66]

“Thanks Hank you really taught me a lot about propane and propane accessories!”

"And I tell you hwat, young man. I don't think I know hwat a 'heart of the cards' is, but I know for certain you've got the heart of a Texan."

#“Sooo are you Chinese or Japanese?” #“Well #4Kids says I’m American.” #Hank needs to meet Bandit Keith #In America #It’s time to G-g-g-grill!! #Now Yugi also knows of the Heart of the propane #I want to see Hank's propane deck #The crossover episode everyone asked for #anime #western animation #king of the hill #hank hill #yugioh #4kids #yugi moto #crossover

[lily-frog]

goodnight :)

#mental health #self care #you're okay #friendly reminder #idk what to tag this i just made this for myself mostly #also this is late at night here lmao so. i'll reblog for the morning(late night?) crew #tw flashing #flashing images #just in case