#lel vent tag because some of this is definitely tmi

[zealsoughtsequesterustanxiedemon]

Thinking about new years resolutions. I usually like making a list with the caveat that I'm not beholden to it. I feel like having exact goals and forcing myself to do them often doesn't work, it just sorta makes me feel worse when I can't do them. I'm self aware enough to feel satisfied about doing something I want without making it a hard goal. So anyways here's a more nebulous ramble of stuff I wanna do in this new year. Less I have to do this and more a direction of what I know will make me happy C:

I wanna cut out the dead time in my schedule. Not like the time I need to rest and do nothing or have pointless conversations with friends; I've learned those are kind of necessary to life. It's okay to not do anything when you feel bad, especially when the reason isn't tangible. No I want to cut to the chase when I'm lollygagging on deciding what to do with my free time, I wanna cut out stuff I just do to pass the time; when I'm not shutting down or not feeling it, I want to intentionally be doing the stuff that I know I'll love. I'm old enough that I know my tastes, I know what I'll like and I should just do it.

I wanna actually get through some of the games that have been on my list for a long time, the classic vns, the recommendations from my friends, etc.

I wanna get back to reading manga. It's a medium I've neglected a lot for the latter half of this last decade. And that's a shame because it's a medium that, when I like it, I'm fucking ravenous for. Shit is so easy to consume, I can do it right in bed and stay up for hours because I'm obsessed.

I wanna read at least a little bit more text. Reading books has often been a struggle for me because of attention issues (always losing my place and reading the same paragraph 14 times, not being able to shut out distracting noises so I have to idle until they stop, during the day I'm too antsy to read, and when it's too late or too early reading isn't stimulating enough for me to not drift off to sleep or get distracted). But there's books I want to read, books I know I'll love, books that have been on my shelf for 5+ years that i just haven't gotten to. Mainly I wanna start actually reading the monogatari LNs. I feel like it'll give me a greater appreciation of the series and open me up to parts of the fandom I feel like I've been cut off from forever. I consider it my favorite series so I wanna embrace every part of it.

I wanna watch anime for myself again. I always feel like I'm not watching any anime, even when i do. I've doing that tried-and-true trick of just watching anime with friends every week for like 7 years that I employed to keep myself from wasting away when i was in that post-college, retail job deep depression. But I've fallen out of watching stuff consistently on my own. I do it sometimes, but its usually when its a show i can obsess over a show w/ my online friends together (love you dis and mattie), but when we don't have that I often don't have the motivation. I wanna watch old stuff and new stuff and my friends' fav animes. I'll finish Aria one day and eventually start watching Lain.

I wanna post my feelings more. I feel like this site has enabled me to do that more than twitter (this itself is kind of an exercise in that), I just haven't gotten into the full swing because I've had poor time management and am still getting used to doing it. I want to express myself more to friends (both new and old). I feel like I'm so bad at managing communication with online friends; never reaching out to hang or initiating conversations. I can sometimes get intrusive thoughts born from jealousy or inferiority that make me feel insecure about some of the closest people I've ever known when the root of the issue is often just being bad at reaching out to them when they're usually free. Also, I just wanna play games w/ my friends more, even if I'm bad at it.

This is a new years resolution, but i wanna work out more. Specifically i wanna get back on that lower body routine I was on. In general I just want to boost my ass and thighs (my ass was never that skinny because i played hockey growing up, but there's potential i could be better exploring) and maybe trim my tummy a lil. I'm not actually all that dissatisfied with where I'm at now: soft at rest, but puffing out my chest will just barely give me that slightly buff look (for a guy) where the chest sticks out a lil bit further than the belly. My ideal is to sorta to be able to do both. I'm not too ambitious in going further than that, but I think I can reach that (or at least maintain where I'm at) if I can get on that basic lower body + cardio routine. Plus it'll get me more excited about cosplaying.

I wanna get more fem clothes and be more comfortable dressing fem around actual people. I want stuff that actually looks good together. I want to be confident enough to go outside in it and feel nice even if people are weird about it. I only went out once in a skirt and it was at 3 am walking down my street and back and i was basically just at critical-level-paranoid the whole time despite there being actually nobody else. It's something I've been interested in forever. I wanna be good at coordinating outfits in general; it's always looked fun, but depression, anxiety, and expectations about nerdy guys have always held me back.

I wanna get more fuckin sex toys. This is not in a down-on-myself-way, but, oddly enough, I'm a little ashamed that I'm a guy so late in my 20s that's explored so little of what I actually do to my body to get off. I should be a pro at rearranging my own guts by now. Like I'm confident in saying masturbating is kind of a hobby for me, I would do it even if I didn't have a sex drive that compels it because it's actually just fun for me. So I should treat it like a hobby where I actually learn about how to better please my body (as well as train it).

I wanna bake more. I can make bread now, I wanna be making that shit almost every week. I wanna bake more cookies. Cookies are one of the foods you can actually send through the mail so that means I cook actually send food out to friends and they could eat it. I could be actually making food for people and not be cagey about it! gotta learn what stuff they might actually like. But also for me. It's so satisfying just to be able to make the things you like, to be self-sufficient in that kinda way. I wanna learn how to cook more in general. There's a sense of control and power where you can just make your favorite things.

I wanna actually try writing fiction/fanfiction. Even if it's gunna be bad and cringe. I envy those who can do it even if it's written like a joke or done badly. I'd love to write stories, either about my own characters or just about my favorite ones from media. Specifically this year I've kinda learned about how good fanfiction can really be even when its sloppy or improvisational or the author doesn't feel good about it or all of the above. It's similar to cooking and baking where it feels like a magic power that you can actually learn how to do in this world.

#long post #anx-i-e-demons #zealthoughts #lel vent tag because some of this is definitely tmi #there's probably more I'm not thinking of but this is the jist of what i wanna work on this year #maybe try learning languages? #at this point I feel like I'm more likely to improve on that if I DON'T include that in my new years resolutions post #also looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong #please don't read this it's embarrassing