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panharmonium · 4 years

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@bloomiii asked: Hey! Do you think merlin actually hates Mordred?

Heya! I’m assuming this is a follow-up question to the ask that @once-and-future-gay sent me the other day, and I gotta say, I love this question just as much as I did that one, so thank you! :D It’s a great ask - relevant one, definitely, for Season 5.

I have kind of a lot to say about it, so I’m going to put most of this reply under a cut, but the short answer is this:

No, absolutely not. I don’t think Merlin hates Mordred.

I think Merlin hates himself.

I wrote in the previous post on this topic (which I think this ask is a response to) about the actual reasons why Merlin is in conflict with Mordred, none of which are based on personal dislike and all of which come back to Merlin knowing that he has to prevent Mordred from killing Arthur, not out of a selfish personal desire to keep Arthur safe, but because Arthur’s survival is supposed to be the thing that is going to bring peace to the land and liberate the magical world.

But Merlin, as I said in that post, does not want to be in conflict with Mordred. He likes Mordred. He says as much, to Gaius. He cares about Mordred as someone who shares his oppression, as shown in the beginning of the Disir. He agrees to keep Kara a secret from Arthur, at the beginning of 5.11. And Mordred’s philosophy - “the love that binds us is more important than the power we wield” - is literally as close to Merlin’s own as it can be. That is exactly how Merlin, at his core, sees the world.

Everything Merlin does to Mordred, he does for no other reason than that he thinks he has to. (And I discussed in that other piece how Merlin is not foolish or mistaken for thinking so, either - important to keep in mind.) But all of the things he has to do go completely against his nature, and by the time we hit the end of 5.11, I really feel that Merlin has descended into a pit of self-loathing that the show, because its ending is so poorly constructed, never allows him to climb out of.

Every decision Merlin is forced to make about Mordred makes him hate himself a little more. The decision to let Mordred die in 5.05 is visibly traumatizing for him. He takes no pleasure in leaving Mordred behind for Morgana in 5.10. And 5.11 is the ugliest, most soul-killing situation Merlin has been confronted with yet - he is torn between doing what he truly wants to do and what he feels like he has to do, when Kara comes into the picture. He initially tries to hide Kara from Arthur, because there is no part of him that wants a Druid to be captured and harmed, even if she was with Morgana’s forces. Mordred tells Merlin, “she’s one of us,” and Merlin agrees. “Your secret is safe with me,” he says (and those are sacred words for Merlin; they’re exactly what Lancelot says to him in 1.05; this is not something Merlin would ever promise lightly). He doesn’t betray Mordred’s secret, and when Kara is captured (through no fault of Merlin’s own) Merlin is the one who originally urges mercy, telling Arthur, “you’re breaking his heart/you’ll lose his trust” when Arthur claims he has no choice but to pursue execution.

However, after that, when Merlin learns that Mordred plans to escape with Kara, he boomerangs back to “he’s going to run to Morgana and then he’s going to kill Arthur and I am not allowed to let that happen/magical and godly forces have all told me that the entire fate of Albion and the future of magic all depends on me preventing Mordred from killing Arthur.” And so he tells Arthur that Mordred is planning to escape, ultimately leading to Mordred and Kara’s recapture.

But THEN, after THAT, when they’re back in custody - Merlin urges mercy yet again. He tells Arthur to “free them both.” He says, “How will one more death bring about the peace we long for?” Merlin does not want Kara to be killed. He does not want Mordred to suffer. He does not want any of this to have happened; he did not rat Mordred out because he wanted to; he did it because he truly believed (for legitimate reasons) that he had no choice. Like I talked about in that previous post - Merlin, at this point in the show, feels that his life has no purpose beyond the fulfillment of the destiny that has been prophesied. He has come to see himself as a tool, with no intrinsic worth or value beyond what he can do to ensure Arthur’s survival (and thus the establishment of peace for all people). He hates the things he’s supposed to do, but he literally cannot see an escape for himself. This is just what he was “born” to do.

Even as far back as Season 3 we see this helplessness growing in him:

You feel trapped. Like your whole life has been planned out for you, and you've got no control over anything, and sometimes you don't even know if what destiny has decided is really the best thing at all.

Merlin, in 5.11, doesn’t feel like what destiny has decided is the best thing. But he also has reached a point where he feels like he has to do what he was told. He’s seen the future. He’s been told by multiple magical and divine sources that Arthur is the Once and Future King who is going to build the “the world we dream of.” And so he does things that he thinks will enable that future to arrive (like preventing Mordred from running away with Kara), but because these things go so completely against his nature and cause him such pain, he then whips around and says, “Don’t kill her. Let them go.” He can’t help himself from slipping back into the kind of person he truly is on the inside.

He is trapped between his true self and what he feels is an inescapable duty. And every step he takes away from his true nature makes him hate himself more.

Kara’s interview with Arthur, where she refuses to repent her “crimes” in exchange for her life, has one of the most telling, devastating shots in the show, when she says, “It is not a crime to fight for the right to be who you are.” The camera, in that moment, is trained on Merlin’s face, not hers:

That is done on purpose. The cinematography is trying to say something. It wants us to look at Merlin and listen to Kara’s word’s and hear the contradiction. It wants us to recognize that Merlin is dying inside. The absolute MISERY locked down in his expression here! He has been forced to do things that seem to work against the very goal he’s been told he’s trying to achieve (to have the right to be who he is), and it’s been going on for so long that it’s shattered his soul. He listens to Kara being able to say that, proudly, without fear, and he hates himself for not being like her.

But he can’t see any way to escape the things he knows he’s supposed to do. So ultimately, at the very end, he does nothing, and Kara’s execution proceeds.

He despises himself for it, and when Mordred escapes and runs to Morgana, Merlin’s only reaction is a dull, hollow resignation. He doesn’t blame Mordred for whatever’s going to happen next.

He blames himself.

This is, yet again, another reason why the Merlin finale is garbage storytelling.

It makes no narrative sense for the show to give us 5.11, which ends with Merlin in quite possibly the darkest and most miserable, conflicted spot he has ever been in, and to then start the next episode with him having a raucous good time at the tavern. Merlin, after what happens with Kara and Mordred, is not going to be out laughing and cheering, playing dice, and making casual, tongue-in-cheek, meta jokes about his secret like it isn’t the most painful and soul-destroying burden he’s ever had to carry (“Ah, I knew you’d discover my secret in the end. There is just no fooling you, my lord!”). It is inconceivable for him to be out partying, after the previous episode. It’s insulting to me as a viewer, that the writers thought they could show this to me as if it’s an even remotely rational direction for the story to go, as if I’m not going ask “what the HECK is going on???” when I see Merlin gleefully stumbling home like a drunken frat boy, without a care or concern in the world.

There is ZERO tonal consistency between the end of 5.11 and the beginning of 5.12. It’s horrendous writing, and it’s why I continuously say that Merlin BBC does not actually end, it just STOPS - abruptly cut off after 5.11, with a slapdash two-episode finale tacked on, one which does not actually resolve anyone’s arcs, or address any of the central questions of the show, or follow where the narrative was naturally heading prior to that point.

Merlin’s arc with Mordred is what finally takes him to a place where he is irrevocably, inescapably confronted with the conflict that he has been struggling with from day one - how is he supposed to justify the things that Destiny is asking him to do, when what it’s asking him to do seems to be hurting the very people he’s trying to help? How is he supposed to reconcile his responsibility to his people (and HIMSELF) with an externally-imposed responsibility to protect Arthur? He’s been wrestling with this cognitive dissonance for years, and 5.11 is the inevitable crisis point - Kara is dead, Mordred has defected to Morgana, Merlin’s secret is OUT, and Merlin has never hated or doubted himself more. It makes no sense for the beginning of the next episode to show us Merlin living it up at the tavern. Merlin is tortured, at the end of 5.11. He’s dying inside. The next episode was supposed to be a natural progression from that moment, meaning Merlin should have had the chance to finally confront his conflict head-on, rather than having it all completely wiped away by the pile of garbage that was the finale.

The correct fallout from Mordred’s “turn” should have been a reckoning. Merlin never wanted to be in conflict with Mordred in the first place; he hated himself for everything he had to do, and I really think the end of 5.11 took us to a place where Merlin had finally been pushed over the edge; it was the last straw. The only correct progression from that point would have been change, and Merlin was finally desperate enough to do what he needed to do to find himself again and make things right, but we never got to see it, because the people in charge decided to completely abandon every complicated question they’d been pursuing, in favor of “actually Arthur’s the good guy and we’re gonna pretend we didn’t just spend an entire episode reminding people how Camelot is still an unjust place.”

I don’t understand it. The same people created 5.11, too. They wrote Kara’s righteous speech. They framed her execution as an evil, and they framed Mordred’s flight as something Merlin and Arthur brought upon themselves.

And then they did a 180 and dumped every ethical question they ever raised. They never let Merlin find his feet or hold his head up high, and I’m honestly never going to forgive them for that.

#the once and future slowburn #meta #the druid boy #replies #merlin S5

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uniasus · 3 years

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While technically a very delayed day 12 for summer of whump, the ‘reliving your death’ part turned into something much bigger.

BBC Merlin, Mordred POV. Read here or the whole 2K on Ao3.

-----

Mordred remembered it all. They all do, obviously, even if the memories didn’t kick back into place until they all sat around the new round table. He could tell by how the other knights – could he even call himself a knight? - shot him shy glances.

The worse was the small looks Leon or Guinevere gave him. Every time their eyes slide his way Mordred remembered locking eyes with Arthur and sliding his sword through the king's gut. Arthur had been too stunned to see him he hadn't brought up his sword to defend. And Mordred, too stunned at actually running his old liege lord through, had similarly put up no defense with Arthur returned the favor.

Arthur might acknowledge the complicated situation that led them to Camlann, saw the path that led Morgana there, Mordred there, Arthur and all the knights, but it was Mordred that essentially prevented Arthur’s Golden Age. Worse, as Mordred watched Merlin serve them all lemonade, saw his flinch, learned that the other man had the same justification for violence as Mordred and didn't take it, Mordred knew he could have chosen not to wield that dragon-forged sword.

Even knighted, he was still a child, wasn't he? Acting on impulses, putting his needs and wants first despite the oath he'd taken. Once, he had sat at Arthur's Round Table. Had been so proud to be among such renowned men. Now, he felt ashamed. Unworthy.

Arthur sat tall in his seat, a man more understanding and compassionate than Mordred could ever be, completely unbothered by sharing a table with his killer.

And worse, behind him stood Merlin, Emrys, the man Mordred had wanted to impress above all others, the man who had faced the same trials and chose the opposite choice every single time.

I shouldn't be here, Mordred ran a finger along the edge of this new, modern table. Yet, he didn't know where else to go.

Mordred stayed close to the group, but out of the way for the rest of the day. The new knight, or new to him would be a better term for Lancelot, and Mordred absorbed the stories the other told, completing each other's histories. In explaining Camlann to Lancelot and Elyan, Arthur made no effort to hide the fact that he died on Mordred's sword. But the king – ex-king? – glossed over the event and Leon took over, explaining how an aggressive Essetir had forced the druids into Camelot, Camelot's alliance with the druids, and the ensuing war that united Essetir and Camelot into a single kingdom.

Leon spoke of Merlin fighting with the knights, of marrying Guinevere, and Percival took up the tale of Merlin's kingship and how Camelot flowered.

Guinevere, by that point, had disappeared, but Mordred could tell Arthur wished desperately to find her.

Mordred, for his part, sat silently on the floor of the room and listened to what sounded like a truly Golden Age for Albion. A sorcerer-king. Magic helping the kingdom grow. Acceptance, or progress toward it.

It wasn’t anything like the prophecies had led him to believe it would be like.

It was better.

He hated himself so much for having missed it and dreamed of how it could have been with the Once and Future King at the helm.

Mordred woke with the sun, the magic of the Earth waking in the light and stirring his own mind. He blinked, not understanding the ceiling above him before his memories caught up.

Arthur’s knights, Mordred included, had risen again to aid with an unknown threat.

Groaning, he sat up. His sleep hadn’t been peaceful between thoughts and dreams and the unfamiliar bed, but he was up and there was nothing for it. Might as well go outside and enjoy a bit of peace.

Merlin’s house was larger, a castle in its own right, though it seemed to be made of less sturdy material. No stone here, but he appreciated the smoothness of the walls and floor.

Downstairs, he wondered trying to find the door that opened to the garden with the table in it. Thankfully, the first floor was smaller than the second one. He found the strange clear door that let outside, but he found his attention caught by Merlin.

He stood in the strange modern kitchen, leaning against the center island and looking out the window into the nearby woods. His fingers played with a coin and it was obvious he wasn’t thinking about what he was doing, yet items move through the kitchen guided by his magic.

On the counter beside Merlin, a large bag of herbs was tipped into a small metal strainer. The strainer then gently inserted itself into the mouth of a teapot, which itself silently floated out of a cabinet to land on the center island.

It was such an effortless use of magic, maintaining several spells at once, and Merlin – no, Emrys, he really was Emrys in this moment – didn't seem to know he was doing it. How had he looked in Camelot, as its sorcerer-king? Even as Mordred thought it, a stray sunbeam brushed Merlin’s brow through the window, making his skin glow to match the steady glow in his eyes.

Instantly, Mordred dropped to his knee. The desire was instinctual, automatic. Before him was a warlock in command of more power than anyone else would have, who ruled Camelot for forty years. This man, with his sharp face, wise eyes, and deep magic, could rule the world if he wanted. And because he didn’t, people had loved and trusted him.

“I’m sorry,” Mordred choked out.

Emrys started, turning to see Mordred kneeling on the floor, kitchen items frozen where they were. Mordred couldn’t see his face, eyes on the floor.

“What are you sorry for?”

“For killing your king.”

“Are you really sorry for that? Would you have done anything different that day?” Emrys’s voice was dry, flat.

Mordred cast his mind back and found the answer. Yet even as he did, he knew it wouldn’t make a difference. For him, the murder of Arthur had been days ago. For Emrys, over a thousand years had passed.

Emrys seemed to think the same. He gave a deep sigh and Mordred looked up at him. He looked tired, worn. The pressure of figuring out what had called the knights back? The return of knights? The glances Arthur had sent his way all last night, watching Gwen and Emrys interact? Did he even sleep last night?

“You can stand, Mordred. You never did anything else in Camelot anyway, no need to change it. I was going to have tea outside. Join me?” As he said it, the magic in the room faded and the royal aura that had filled the kitchen drained away. Merlin physically moved around the space, pulling out mugs to place on a tray along with several other items. Mordred watched, the man before him now no more than a physician's assistant or servant preparing something for his master. It grated in a way seeing the same thing in Camelot never did.

Probably because, Mordred thought, he now knew how high Merlin could climb.

Mordred hurried to open the door to the back garden. Merlin nodded in thanks as he led the way, heading not to the large stone table he’d anchored his spell to but a small table surrounded by a bountiful herb garden. He took one chair, Mordred the other, and Mordred hurried to pour the tea before Merlin could. Merlin rolled his eyes, but let him.

“The answer is no, isn’t it?” Merlin asked, stirring honey in his mug.

“Yes. I... am sorry. I’m sorry I never got to see the Golden Age. I’m sorry things happened the way they did. But if I was thrust back to that day, I think I would still do it. I don’t... I don’t understand why you didn’t.”

“Didn’t do what?”

“Kill him yourself. Arthur killed Kara. And he killed someone you love too.”

Merlin stared into his tea, face blank. He’d been fairly easy to read in Camelot, but Mordred had also seen him pretend nothing was a miss more than once. His years as king must have given him a lot of opportunities to practice controlling his emotions and how to display them.

“Arthur was involved in the death of several people I loved, but as I love him too and understood his choices, I couldn’t hurt him in return. I was made aware of the prophecies soon after my arrival to Camelot, and it didn’t take me long to learn how strong those prophecies are.”

He sighed and locked eyes with Mordred. “I tried to stop several prophecies and failed each time. They can perhaps be delayed, but they will happen. I came to terms long ago that Camlann was supposed to happen, that nothing I could have done would have stopped that. You can’t apologize for that, Mordred. You would have always done it, whether you wanted to or not. Destiny is not something you can escape. Weirdly enough, that has given me a sense of comfort.”

"Because they said you’d see Arthur again,” Mordred guessed.

“Yes. While it didn’t happen the way anyone expected, Arthur shepherded in the Golden Age. He had stopped prosecuting magic, he’d set Camelot on the path to accept it again. He had allies, shaped Gwen and Leon and me into who we needed to be. We built Camelot with Arthur in mind, always imagining what he would want, what he would say or do. And -” here Merlin winced, “I don’t think that Golden Age would have happened if Arthur had lived. There are things Gwen and I did he would have not.

“I’m not offering you forgiveness, Mordred, if that’s what you’re looking for. This morning. But I don’t think I can blame you either, any more than I blame Arthur for a number of things. Especially considering you’re here. You hate it.”

Mordred grimaced. He did hate it. Hated knowing what he missed, knowing that Arthur had thought highly of him up to the end, hated that he didn’t deserve any of what the two kings of Camelot offered yet desired all the same.

“There are no prophecies now though,” Merlin continued. “I have heard nothing spoken of since before Camlann, and crystals or pools that might give me a vision have not. Do you know what that means?”

Mordred shook his head.

“It means Destiny is not guiding our actions. Your path might have been pre-ordained in Camelot, but they’re not in Britain. I will a hundred percent blame, judge, and punish you for things that happen from here on out."

“I understand, Emrys.”

“Good.”

“And Arthur?”

“What about him?”

“If Arthur was destined to die at Camlann, if he was never supposed to helm the Golden Age of his kingdom, never be a champion of magic, you can’t fully blame him for his actions then. But now that he knows things? Knows better? Are you going to hold him accountable?”

Merlin froze, mug an inch from his mouth, before setting it down on the table between them. “I’ll teach him, I suspect I won’t be the only one. But I’m not going to judge him until he makes a choice. I can’t hold him accountable for the past, Mordred. But yes, like you, his fresh start began yesterday.”

Mordred frowned, thinking of what he learned in Camelot, what he learned last night. “I can’t follow him, not like he used to. Maybe it was Destiny, maybe it wasn’t, but it still hurts. But Merlin, Emrys, knowing what you have done, knowing what you can do -”

“Arthur’s the Once and Future King, Mordred.”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s why he rose.”

His tone was final, but Mordred had never heard the actual words of the prophecy. Had Arthur risen because of Albion’s need? Or had something else triggered Merlin’s spell? Was the one who rose the Once and Future King, or was that title separate from Arthur’s destiny? Was now even the ‘future’ of the Once and Future King? Maybe in another five hundred years, Merlin would wear another crown.

In his past life, Mordred had followed Arthur because of the hope he stood for, because he had Emrys at his back. In this life, why not follow Emrys himself? He had the track record Arthur lacked.

#bbc merlin #fic rec #summerofwhump #summerofwhump12 #death #add a seat to the table #my fanfiction #mordred #merlin emrys

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bethanyeliseart · 3 years

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Disorganized stream of Merlin thoughts because it's almost 3 am, so what better time. I'm doing a Merlin rewatch and I just finished The Beginning of the End, and I think that's one of my favorite episodes. Mainly for the ending scene when Arthur returns Mordred to his people. The build up is perfect and you can just feel that something is off (disregarding kilgharrah's warning to merlin for a moment and looking at this scene alone) about Arthur performing this act of kindness. The music and night setting are so eerie which makes it incredibly satisfying when Athur asks for his name and he says "My name is Mordred". I got goosebumps back when I was 13 and I still got them today. When I watched that for the first time (and now) I felt like Arthur's fate was already made in that moment. Like everyone else I would've loved to see Arthur live at the end and continue his rule with Gwen, and Merlin at his side, but I also feel like because of this scene it couldn't have ended any other way.(well there could've been a season 6 with Arthur returning since he is the once and future king, but I more meant in this era of Albion) Even the score makes his fate feel like a fixed point. For the majority of the scene it's very quiet with the choir singing ominous notes, but once Arthur learns Mordred's name, bids him farewell, and they stare at each other for a moment, drums break the silence and they just make the scene so definitive. Of course introducing Mordred was a big deal because he appears as Arthur's number one enemy in many iterations (and causes his death), but the writers could've set it up so that Arthur would've survived Mordred. Some where further along the line he could've defeated him first in battle or something like that. But then you go back and there's Merlin having this internal conflict in his room, deciding whether or not to meet Arthur and Mordred at the gate to aid in the escape. So that scene is more clear that helping Mordred is detrimental since Merlin was pretty much directly told that letting him live would lead to Arthur's demise. The Merlin conflict helped set up the last moment perfectly, I think. Someone should stick duel of the fates in the last 8 minutes somewhere, I swear. Regardless of how I feel about certain plot points towards the end of the show and how it was a little rushed, I firmly believe that Mordred being Arthur's demise was a good choice for the plot.

#this ended up being way longer than i planned #i meant to say the foreshadowing was good that's it #merlin #arthur pendragon #mordred

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hayleysstark · 5 years

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You don’t think Merlin is a good person? I have always thought he was fantastic. He has always done what is best for everyone which often causes great harm to himself. He has never been malicious or taken joy in any of the terrible things he’s has to do in the name of destiny. In the name of Arthur. I’m very curious as to why you think that. Could you possibly elaborate? I’m not saying your opinion is wrong, I’m just wondering.

Oh, no, I do not think Merlin is a good person!!! not at all!! and I do not think Merlin is a hero!!! don’t misunderstand me, because God knows you do make a truly wonderful point here, that Merlin has made many sacrifices, he has buried every last one of his own dreams, and all to protect his friends, and I would never, ever try and ignore or disregard that outright. I don’t think Merlin is a good person, but I certainly don’t think he’s selfish, either. He’s usually the first one to put himself last in every circumstance, and I would absolutely never say Merlin is a selfish man. For all his faults - and we all know he has a straight-up surplus of those - his friends are always his number-one priority, top of his list.

But it doesn’t really cancel out all the rest.

You say he feels badly for the terrible things he’s done. Good. He should feel badly. He should lose sleep over all the horrible choices he’s made. He should remember all the innocent people who lost their lives at his hand. He should know he is not a good person. If you do something wrong, and you feel bad about it, your guilt does not negate the wrong thing you did. Guilt is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s literally basic human decency to feel bad if you hurt people. So, yeah, Merlin should feel bad. It should hurt him, to do the things he does.

I’m not going to go into a super-long and detailed thesis about this, because A. I’m seriously not trying to rip up such a cherished and beloved character and B. i legitimately don’t think actual humans are going to read this when i’m done because, point A, i am, essentially, ripping up a cherished and beloved character.

And Merlin definitely has some flaws I’m not going to touch on - i.e. he’s impulsive, he’s melodramatic, he’s oversensitive, he’s childish, he’s whiny, he’s self-pitying - mainly because those flaws fade as he grows and matures and also, are largely played up for humor in the series anyways (can you honestly think of a single episode before S3 where Merlin didn’t take at least ten minutes out of his day to bitch to Gaius about how hard his not-very-hard life was??). But I’ll tackle as much of the serious stuff as I can before I inevitably just spiral into repeatedly calling him a Terrible Bastard Man lmao.

Merlin has shown, hundreds upon hundreds of times over the series, that he will stop at absolutely nothing to get what he wants, to get where he wants, and he takes full and often brutal advantage of everybody around him to further his own agenda. Remember in The Wicked Day how he straight-up refused to heal Uther until Arthur promised to bring magic back if he did?? yeah. same here. And we can’t forget the way he literally took away Arthur’s free will in The Sword in the Stone, can we? or when he deliberately sabotaged Arthur’s second chance at love and happiness in The Hunter’s Heart because Mithian had committed the cardinal sin of not being Gwen???

Even if you can overlook all that really blatant manipulation Merlin puts his friends through on a regular basis, he also tries to kill Mordred in The Witch’s Quickening ((okay, he actually just tries to make sure the attacking knights find Mordred, but same difference, really)). And do I even need to talk about how he tried to poison Morgana in The Fires of Idirsholas? no, i’m serious, do i even need to talk about that??? a billion other people have already discussed it, so you know what, fuck it, but the takeaway is, it was a terrible thing to do, even if Camelot did hang in the balance at the time. ((no, he does not get a pass for trying to save the kingdom. he’s a bastard. you can’t change my mind.))

oh, he also sets Kilgharrah free in The Fires of Idirsholas, too, which brings his Bastard Points up to a two for that episode--wait, no, it’s a three, he gets a Bastard Point just for existing i think. a n y w a y s

And he murders Agravaine in The Sword in The Stone. Doesn’t sound too horrific on its own, we all know the story, Agravaine is the traitor in the court, and Merlin does what he has to do to eliminate the threat, but, wait, he doesn’t. Does he? Merlin doesn’t have to kill Agravaine, because Agravaine literally presents no real threat to Merlin. God knows Merlin could keep him alive, God knows he could just truss the asshole up like a goddamned Christmas morning turkey if he wanted to, but that’s the thing - he doesn’t want to. Because what if Agravaine escaped, and made it back to Morgana? He knows about Merlin’s magic now, and Merlin can’t let him live with that knowledge.

Merlin does not strike back at Agravaine in self-defense.

Merlin murders Agravaine to save his own lying skin.

so. yeah!! Merlin is ruthless !!! Merlin will turn literally anyone he lays eyes on into a pawn in his game to fulfill destiny. everybody is just a piece he can move around the board, and it’s not good. it’s not okay. yes, Merlin values his friends, Merlin would do absolutely anything for friends, but he doesn’t hesitate to use them, either. Yes, most of the time, he truly believes he’s doing what’s best for them, but that is not his decision to make.

I’m not trying to say Merlin is unforgivable or irredeemable. I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t like Merlin ((obviously, I’m not trying to say that, I love one (1) Merlin Emrys with my whole-ass heart, he’s kind of the reason i didn’t off myself once upon a teenage depression, so)) and I’m not trying to say you should change your entire opinion on Merlin to fit mine!! if you still think Merlin is a good person, don’t let me stop you!!! now, if you need me, i’ll be showering a Tall, Dark and Bitchy Bastard in a little more love ~

#merlin #bbc merlin #ask #joyfuldonutsuitcasething

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mischiefandspirits · 5 years

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From the Start: The Lady of the Lake

It was supposed to be a one time thing. Arthur let the sorcerer run off with his life in return for him saving Arthur’s. He had never expected to see the boy again, especially not only two days later in Gaius’s chambers.

Also on AO3

Halig burped and stood up, waving down one of the tavern girls. “Watch my food. I’ve gotta go check on my prize.”

The girl nodded and he lumbered towards the door. Suddenly someone bumped into him, spilling their drink onto him.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” a young woman said, brushing at his jacket.

“Not a problem,” he answered, looking the pretty thing up and down.

“Please, let me buy you a drink as an apology.”

“Well, I won’t say no to a drink, just let me -”

She set her hand on his arm. “I need to be going soon, let me buy you a drink now?”

He looked her up and down again. Well, his prize wasn’t going anywhere. “How can I say no to a face like that?”

She muttered something under her breath then led him over to the bar. “A drink for my friend here!”

The barkeep grunted and dropped a tankard in front of them.

“Thank you,” she said, paying.

“Thank you, dear,” Halig chuckled. He grabbed the drink and took a big swig. He reached out for the young woman, but felt nothing but air. He looked around, but she was nowhere to be seen.

“Tease,” he huffed. He finished off his drink then headed out of the tavern.

Gwen caught Merlin’s eye in the hall and he ducked his head. “Gwen, thank you so much! I owe you.”

“It’s fine, Merlin,” she replied.

“It isn’t. Mordred told me about how that guy had been looking at you.”

“Oh, it’s not the first time I’ve dealt with creeps,” she said, waving it off. “How is she?”

Merlin shifted the tray in his arms and glanced around them. “She’s okay. We brought her down to the tunnels beneath the walls. I’m going to go check on her after I drop Arthur’s breakfast off.”

“Make sure you tell him,” she said, giving him a knowing look.

“Yeah, yeah. You know he’s going to kill me when he hears.”

“No, he won’t.”

“I’m going to kill you!”

“Gwen owes me lunch,” Merlin muttered, dodging a thrown goblet.

“And that’s only if my father doesn’t get to you first! What were you thinking? Nevermind, I already know you weren’t!”

“Are you done, sire?” Merlin sighed, grabbing the goblet and returning it to Arthur’s table.

“No. And where’s Mordred? I need to yell at him too.”

“He chickened out and went to collect herbs for Gaius.”

Arthur snorted and snatched up one of his sausages.

“Arthur, you should have seen her in that cage. I couldn’t just leave her there.”

Arthur made the mistake of looking at his servant’s face.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed a piece of cheese before shoving the plate at Merlin. “Wrap the rest of that up in a cloth.”

Merlin gave him a bemused look, but did as told while Arthur pulled on his boots.

“Bring me to her,” Arthur said, reaching for his sword.

“Is that necessary?” Merlin asked.

He rolled his eyes again, but left the sword. Instead he grabbed Merlin’s arm and shoved him towards the door. “Go.”

Merlin led him down out of the citadel and towards the gate, but paused when he saw the line of people being checked over by the guards.

Arthur, on the other hand, ignored it, continuing on past the line of people who curtsied or bowed their heads as he passed and Merlin hurried to follow. The guards didn’t give Arthur and Merlin a passing glance, but the bounty hunter reached out and grabbed Merlin, yanking him away.

“Where’d you think you were going?”

Merlin blinked. “I was just -”

“Search him,” the man ordered a guard, shoving Merlin at him.

The guard gave Merlin a confused expression, but stepped forwards.

“What is going on here?” Arthur snapped, finally noticing Merlin wasn’t at his side and coming back around.

“Your Highness,” the guard said, bowing, and the bounty hunter quickly followed suit. “A druid girl escaped from this man last night. Your father has ordered us to assist him.”

“That doesn’t explain why you’re accosting Merlin of all people and holding me up.”

“Apologies, My Lord.”

“Your father gave me permission to search the people in case someone is hiding the girl, Your Highness,” the bounty hunter said, puffing out his chest. “This boy tried to pass through without being checked.”

Arthur crossed his arms and sent the man a look. “Are you suggesting I am hiding the girl?”

He blinked, shrinking. “O-of course not, sire.”

“Really, because Merlin is accompanying me to the Lower Town, so if you are suggesting he is going to meet the girl, then clearly you are suggesting the same of me.”

“N-no, sire, that’s not what I meant. We can’t just allow -”

Arthur glared at the man. “He is my servant. I can allow him whatever I wish.” He turned to the guards. “Merlin has my absolute trust. He is to be allowed to pass freely from now on. If you have a problem with him, you come to me. Do you understand?”

“Of course, Your Highness,” the guards agreed immediately, bowing.

Arthur sent the bounty hunter a look and he immediately ducked his head and agreed. The prince turned on his heel and marched off with a called, “Merlin.”

Once Merlin had stumbled up to his side, he growled. “I hate men like that. Ones who think since my father shows them even the smallest favor then they can do as they wish, despite their station.”

“Yeah, only noble prats are allowed to act like that,” Merlin joked.

Arthur shoved him. “Watch yourself. You’re the one they’re looking for, remember. I could always just go back and hand you over to them.”

“But you won’t,” Merlin said cheerfully, leading Arthur into the tunnels. He looked over his shoulder as they disappeared into the shadows. “She’s a bit jumpy so try not to act so…”

“Intimidating?”

“Haughty.”

Arthur reached out to smack his head, but missed in the darkness. “Darnit, Merlin I can’t see anything!”

Suddenly a light appeared in front of them, glittering gold and blue.

“That’s not what I meant,” he hissed, managing to smack the warlock’s head this time.

“Ow! Can’t I ever just get a thank you?”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

They reached Freya to see that she was sleeping.

Of course the beast is here, Arthur snorted internally, spotting Cavall curled up against her as Merlin moved to wake her.

He stayed back as Merlin gave her the food and set up some candles. It was only with the added light that she spotted the prince.

She flinched back and Arthur held up his hands, stepping forward then kneeling.

“It’s okay. He’s a friend. I promise he’s actually really soft,” Merlin said.

“Oi!”

She glanced between the two nervously, but continued eating.

Arthur stayed back, letting the two talk.

“I know what it's like to keep secrets.”

Freya looked up at the man Merlin had brought briefly, to see him staring down the tunnel. “Who else knows you have magic?”

“Besides Mordred, only Arthur and our friend Gwen.” Merlin glanced at the man, Arthur, as well then leaned closer. “Modred has magic too, was a druid like you, but Gwen and Arthur… They don’t really get it.”

“I wish I was like everyone else, but…”

“You always know, deep down, you're not?”

“Because I'm cursed.”

Arthur’s head perked up, but Merlin didn’t even blink.

“Freya, don't say that!”

It must be the work of a magical creature.

Arthur was an idiot. No, Merlin was an idiot who really needed to grow out of his pup face. Honestly, Mordred couldn’t even pull it off anymore and Merlin was four years his elder.

“That's not a strawberry,” he heard the druid girl giggle.

“Er, it's the right color,” Merlin responded and Arthur came around the corner to see him handing her a rose.

Oh great, he has a crush! There was no way this was going to be easy.

“We need to talk,” Arthur growled and the two jumped.

“Arthur?” Merlin asked, but the prince ignored him.

He marched up to tower over the girl. “Why did you do it?”

The girl stared up at him with terrified eyes, but also knowing ones.

“Arthur!” Merlin snapped, stumbling to his feet and trying to pull him back. “What are you doing?”

“Two people were found killed in the lower town. All evidence points to magic.” Arthur turned his glare on Merlin. “Do you think it’s a coincidence that you freed a druid girl and then the next night magic attacks?”

“Yes!”

“He’s right.”

The two turned to the girl.

“Freya?”

She gave Merlin sorrowful eyes. “I’m sorry. You’ve been so good to me, but I don’t deserve it. I’m not like you.”

“Why did you attack those people? Merlin rescued you, we’ve been hiding you. Why would you turn against us like this?” Arthur asked.

She bowed her head. “I didn’t want to. I hate killing, but I have no choice. I’m cursed.”

Merlin tried to go to her, but Arthur shoved him back, hand falling to his sword. “You said that before, what did you mean?”

“I’m a monster. I… There was a man. He attacked me. I didn't mean to hurt him, but I thought he was going to kill me.”

“It was an accident,” Merlin said.

“His mother was a sorceress, and when she found out that I'd killed her son, she cursed me to kill forever more. At midnight I transform into a beast the druids called a Bastet. I can’t control myself in that form. All it wants to do is kill and all I can do is watch through its eyes. That’s why I went to the druids to begin with. I had hoped they could help me.”

“They couldn’t?” Arthur asked, studying her.

She shook her head. “I was too dangerous to keep around. They didn’t have a way to keep me contained for long enough to find the cure. They could fend me off, but only for so long. Someone ended up getting hurt.”

“There has to be a way for us to help you,” Merlin said from behind Arthur.

The prince thought over her words. “The dungeons should hold her.”

The girl’s head fell further down and Arthur could feel Merlin’s eyes burning into his back.

“There are larger cells under the normal ones. We don’t use them much now. They’re made completely of stone aside from the solid metal doors. We could lock you in while you’re transformed so you won’t hurt anyone while Merlin and Mordred figure out how to cure you.”

The girl’s head whipped up so fast Arthur was sure it had to hurt.

He turned to Merlin, who was giving him his I’m a proud idiot smile. “Have you heard of this Bastet beast before?”

“No, but I can ask Mordred. If the druids recognized it, then hopefully he’ll at least know something that can give us a starting point.”

“Then -”

“You believe me?”

He turned back to the girl.

“Of course!” Merlin chirped.

“Not yet,” Arthur countered. “But if you are telling the truth, we need to get you somewhere where you can’t hurt anyone. And if you aren’t, then you’ll already be in the dungeons so that’s good enough for me.”

“Arthur,” Merlin hissed, but Freya relaxed and nodded.

“That is fair.”

Arthur nodded back. “Then I will come and get you just after sundown.”

“Mordred and I will prepare a cell, make sure it’s comfortable for you.”

“Thank you, Merlin,” she replied and Arthur took his leave of the two.

Arthur eyed the guards marching along their patrol routes before slipping into the darkness.

Freya was waiting for him when he reached her, Merlin’s jacket wrapped around her shoulders and the candles extinguished. He placed Merlin’s cloak over the jacket. “Keep the hood up and your head down. No one’s likely to question you as you’re with me, but if the wrong person sees and gets curious…”

Freya frowned, but pulled up the hood. She ducked her head and held his arm as he brought her out of the tunnels and up to the citadel, avoiding the patrols easily.

Too easily. He was going to have to rework the routes when this was all over. There were far too many holes for people to use. Good for his warlocks to do their thing, but also for anyone else up to no good.

Mordred met them at the entrance to the dungeons and led them down, distracting the guards so they could slip past. The three quickly slipped through the halls and down the stairs until they reached the cell Merlin had prepared, the older warlock and Gwen waiting for them.

She smiled and stepped forward slightly, holding out her hand. “Hello, I’m Guinevere, though everyone calls me Gwen.”

Freya tugged her cloak closer. “Merlin told me about you. He said you helped him free me.”

“It was my pleasure.” She held out a dress. “Here, it might be a bit big, but I thought it might be nicer than what you have now.”

Freya stared at the dress, not taking it. “Why are you all so good to me?” she looked up at them. “I’ve killed people, many people. I could kill again.”

“We won’t let that happen,” Merlin said, taking her hand. “I promised you I'd look after you, and I will. We will. You’re safe here.”

“And people will be safe from you,” Arthur agreed. “If you’re honest, then you’ve had enough pain brought upon you. I will see to it you do not face more.”

“Told you he was actually really soft,” Merlin whispered to her.

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur growled, turning away and marching off to the sound of Gwen’s and Mordred's muffled chuckles.

“Try to get as much rest as you can,” Gwen said, giving Freya the dress before heading off after Arthur.

Modred gave her a wide smile. “I’m going to start looking through our books. Night, Freya!”

“Goodnight.”

Mordred ran off, catching up to Gwen just as she turned a corner.

Freya turned to Merlin, clutching the dress closer. “You should go as well.”

Merlin shook his head. “I want to stay with you.”

“You can’t -”

He stopped her with a squeeze of her hand, stepping closer. “Until just before midnight. Please, I don’t want you to have to be down here alone.”

“You're not scared of me?”

Merlin took another step closer and shrugged. “I’ve faced worse. Uglier too. You should have seen the troll.”

Freya chuckled and pressed into his side.

“Come see what we’ve done,” Merlin said, pulling her towards the cell.

She smiled, but inside she couldn’t feel his excitement.

A cell was better than a cage, but it was still a cell.

He pushed open the door and waved her in.

She stepped into the doorway, then froze.

Rose vines and Welsh poppies grew up the corners and across the ceiling, filling the room with their scent. A few glass orbs held up by the vines glittered with a soft, warm light. A nest of blankets and pillows created a soft looking bed on one side, which Merlin’s familiar was making use of. Most astounding though was the painting across one wall. It featured a tall mountain range with a lake at the base.

“You remembered!”

“Of course. I'm so sorry for what that sorcerer did to you.”

Freya pulled him into a hug. This... This was the nicest thing anyone had done for her since she’d fled her home after realizing she’d been cursed. “Merlin, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

He hugged her back. “I promise, we’ll save you.”

“You've already saved me. You made me feel loved.”

Merlin pulled back with a blush.

The two looked into each other's eyes then, as one, leaned in.

“Has Halig found the girl yet?” Uther asked, glancing up at Arthur before looking back down at the grain reports.

“The guards report that there hasn’t been any sign of her.”

“She’s likely long gone.”

“If she was ever here. We’ve seen no sign that such a girl even existed. Maybe he made the whole thing up in hopes you’d pay him anyways.”

“Halig’s usually far more reliable.”

“Perhaps you’ve allowed him too much favor and he’s become complacent.”

“You may be right. Either way, we can’t waste men on this any longer. It’s been a fortnight already. Tell the guard to return to their posts.”

“Of course, father.”

Arthur watched the bounty hunter’s cart trundle into the forest through a hall window before continuing on his way to the physician’s chambers.

“Merlin,” he called as he strutted inside, then paused.

Merlin was sitting at the table next to a girl Arthur almost didn’t recognize.

Freya had cleaned herself up, the dirt and grime washed away to reveal flawless fair skin and bright chestnut hair.

He gave her a smile. “It’s good to see you out and about.”

She smiled back, running a finger over her braid. “It’s nice to be out, even if it’s only during the day.”

Merlin smiled and set a hand on her shoulder, but was stopped from saying anything when Gaius came in.

“Prince Arthur, is there something I can do for you? Or were you looking for Merlin?” He asked, giving Merlin a look.

“Prince?” Freya squeaked.

#merlin emrys #Arthur Pendragon #freya #freylin #arthur knows #fts story

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panharmonium · 4 years

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okay, honest question about 5.11 -

are we seriously supposed to watch this episode and still come down on arthur’s side?

i’m not saying that’s what the show wants us to do. on the contrary, i think they actually do a pretty good job this episode of NOT hammering us in the face with “you’re supposed to root for camelot,” which i appreciate, because there have definitely been other times when they’ve approached the moral dilemma of magical oppression and have kind of punked out at the end - most noticeably in ‘the sorcerer’s shadow,’ when they finally force us to look merlin’s cognitive dissonance in the eye by putting him in the position of saving uther from a magical youth fighting for freedom, and then they back off from that uncomfortable question by having kilgharrah say “you, like i, must hold hope that arthur will bring about a new age, an age where the likes of you and i are respected once again.”

they don’t quite do that in this episode, which i really appreciate, because i just cannot see how they would have been able to pull it off without sounding ridiculously disingenuous.

arthur is WRONG.

(i’ll get to merlin later, he’s...he’s got a whole different issue going on, but let’s just deal with arthur first.)

that whole conversation where he interrogates kara in front of the court - just look at it:

were you part of a cohort of saxons who attacked an arms shipment bound for camelot?

yes.

and were you acting under the orders of morgana pendragon?

what i did, i did for myself. for my people, and for our right to be free.

i have no quarrel with the druids.

i have spent my life on the run because of my beliefs, and seen those i have loved killed.

once, maybe. but i’m not my father.

you don’t kill those with magic? it is not i, arthur pendragon, who needs to answer for my crimes. it is you. you and your father have brutally and mercilessly heaped misery on my kind. it is you who has turned a peaceful people to war, and it is you and camelot that will pay the price.

are we supposed to look at this girl and condemn her? nothing she says is wrong.

whenever we encounter these magical rebel types, the show always tries to play it like ‘well uhhhhhh they’re a little extreme......i mean......they kill people 0.0,’ as if camelot’s regime hasn’t been killing magical people all along. like - kara stabs that soldier when she’s escaping from the cells, and the show kind of plays mordred’s reaction as...‘omg she killed someone oh no what a baddie,’ but dude! the soldiers are about to kill her!!!!! she’s running for her life! killing a guard is nothing merlin and arthur haven’t done a hundred times, when escaping from captivity on their own adventures, but it’s never been framed as some sort of evil thing, for them. why is kara the only one branded as a sinner? a knight’s life isn’t more valuable than any of the children uther drowned. a knight’s murder isn’t more deserving of reprisal.

the girl’s murdered innocent men in cold blood. we are at war. i must be resolute.

we hear arthur say that and we kind of just want to shake him like - CAMELOT has murdered innocent people in cold blood! if arthur can use “we are at war” to justify killing someone who has magic, then the same justification should apply to magic-users attempting to kill him. camelot declared war on magic-users decades ago. these people are fighting for their lives.

arthur is showing his father’s reasoning here. his own rules don’t apply to him. his rationale, his justifications, they only go one way. there is so much to pick apart in his response to this situation - he tries to make it sound like ‘the problem isn’t magic, it’s that you murdered some guys,’ (he tells kara “you stand before the court not because of an act of sorcery or sedition, but because of an act of murder”) but literally in the previous episode he sends out a squadron to hunt down finna (and merlin, unknowingly) just because gaius said finna practiced the old religion.

finna had killed no one. she’d done absolutely nothing wrong. but arthur went after her and said she ‘must be found and brought to trial.”

brought to trial? for WHAT???? she hadn’t DONE anything. nothing except be a follower of the old religion.

and his hypocrisy! ‘it is [people like morgana] that have terrorized camelot and forced us to outlaw such practices’ - really, arthur? literally two episodes ago, you went the cauldron of arianrhod and used magic to save your wife from an enchantment. at the beginning of season 5, you used magic to summon your father’s ghost. at the beginning of season 4, you used magic to try to save uther’s life.

arthur has always been willing to use magic for his own purposes, when it suits him. all while continuing to restrict others from doing the same.

this show is big on pushing the narrative that “arthur’s different from uther” - and he is - but how different, really? seriously. in the end, how different are they?

i feel like because we are fond of him - because we’ve gotten to know him personally, in settings where we can temporarily forget the impact of his policies - we’re sometimes asked to sort of look past the real harm that is constantly being done in his name. like - ‘it’s okay for us to let it slide when arthur persecutes people with magic, because he has valid reasons to think magic is a threat.’ but what, then it’s not okay for someone like kara to want him taken out?

she has valid reasons to think ARTHUR is a threat. he IS a threat!!! to people like her! that’s the reality. these people have every justified reason to want arthur off the throne. they have every rightful reason to riot. they have EVERY RATIONAL REASON TO REBEL AND REMOVE HIM FROM HIS SEAT OF POWER.

if this were star wars, they’d be the rebellion. we’d be rooting for them! it is not wrong for an oppressed population to rise up against their oppressor!!!!!!!!!! we all know this!!!!!!!! just because we like arthur on a personal level doesn’t make it less true. we CANNOT fault these people for refusing to just sit back and wait for arthur to someday wake up and give them their rights. that never happens. that is never how people become free. we can’t fault these people for not choosing to be like merlin, for not choosing to hover in a morally questionable limbo for years and years and years and become complicit in their own oppression.

(and again, i’ll...i’ll deal with merlin later. he keeps fucking up and i hate to see it but i also have to remember that he is a victim of the same oppressive policies as kara and mordred so it’s like...his case is more complicated.)

but arthur. i honestly feel like the most telling moment is when he gives kara that opportunity to “repent,” which is supposed to be like ‘oh wow look how benevolent,’ only the thing is he’s completely missed the point. the point is not that she needs to apologize for her crimes. the point is that she hasn’t done anything wrong.

no.

it isn’t.

the way they cut to merlin at that particular line is devastating. it’s this...reminder of how far we have wandered, from who he used to be. he used to think this, too. he used to fight for himself, too; he used to come home to gaius angry and upset saying “i want to be seen; i want to be free.” and now he’s just...locked into this impossible place where he can either ignore the veritable chorus of dragons, seers, and literal gods who keep telling him he has an absolute responsibility to make sure arthur triumphs, or listen to their counsel and thus betray himself, and his own people along with him. and all this while still living under threat of execution himself - what is he supposed to do?

this episode calls back so strongly to ‘the sorcerer’s shadow,’ which is the first place where the show confronts this problem so directly, when merlin outs himself to gilli and gilli challenges him about his choices:

i know how it feels. i understand.

then you understand why i have to fight. if uther is killed, so what? how many of our kind have died at his hands? how many more will? it's time those with magic fought back.

gilli -

you can't tell me what to do!

you need to learn to use your magic for good. that is its true purpose; it's not meant for your own vanity.

i'm not going to apologise for who i am! you can be a servant and - and pretend you're less than them -

no, that is not what I do -

no?! you're defending the king! protecting a man that would have you dead!

i'm protecting you!

you've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are.

merlin gets so upset by this. he’s visibly shaken, and on the verge of tears, and he weakly protests, and then the next shot is of him lying awake in his bed, agonizedly stewing over it, because deep down he knows that gilli is right.

this conflict has never been resolved. i would add, as we move toward the spot where i am now in season 5, that it’s not so much that merlin has “forgotten” who he is, exactly, but that he’s been forced to abandon who he is, for the sake of his mission. and most of the time he tries not to think about that, because it’s the only way he can survive, but he feels deeply conflicted about it still.

watching 5.11, it is so easy for me to get frustrated at merlin, because i feel like he should do more, in this episode, and do the Right Thing, but honestly at this point the only way for him to do the right thing is to reveal himself. that’s it. there is no other option for him. we’ve exhausted all other avenues; there is no other step he can take. he is trapped, in his current situation, and his deception is not just hurting him, now, it’s...it’s an abdication of his responsibility to everyone like him.

i don’t like saying that. because in real life it’s never okay to just say like...’oh, you need to out yourself because you have a responsibility to the community.’ that’s never okay. a person’s primary responsibility is to their own safety, when they’re living as a marginalized, threatened person.

so in real life, i would never say that. but this is fiction, first of all, and it’s more complicated than that, for merlin, because he is already in a position of responsibility over these people, whether he wants to be or not. the decisions he makes are things that impact their lives.

and secondly - how threatened is he, really? he is supposedly the most powerful sorcerer who’s ever lived. do we really think arthur could successfully get merlin up on a platform and hang him? do we really think arthur could hold merlin in a cell? when merlin was newer to intentional magic and unstudied, absolutely, yes. but now?

the risk merlin faces now isn’t necessarily to his life. it’s to his lifestyle. he might have to leave camelot. he might lose all his friends. and these are valid fears and i UNDERSTAND, because merlin has never felt safe and he has so rarely felt loved and i UNDERSTAND how paralytically frightening it is for him to consider doing anything that would jeopardize even the tiniest bit of belonging that he has been able to scrape together for himself, but i do not see that he has another option - not one that doesn’t poison his soul, at least. he knows that what is happening to kara in this episode is wrong. he tells arthur “free them both.” he knows that’s what should have happened. but then arthur executes her, and merlin does nothing to stop it, and i hate to put one more burden on merlin’s young shoulders but the fact of the matter is that this cycle of violence will never end until merlin ends it himself. merlin cannot continue to stay trapped here between the dictates of destiny and his own sense of right and wrong. it is killing him, and now it’s killing other people, too.

it is not a crime to fight for the right to be who you are.

merlin desperately needs to remember that. he needs to remember it for his own sake, not just for the people around him. he is one of them. their struggle is his struggle. it is not the magical community’s fault that merlin has more information than they do - how are they supposed to know that arthur is supposed to be some kind of great saviour? without knowing that, why would they ever choose to bow to him? he has done nothing to earn their trust. they have no reason to approach this situation the way merlin has, with infinite patience and a willingness to suffer constant injustices.

merlin has to understand that. he has to know that. he can’t condemn them for fighting for their freedom. they haven’t done anything wrong. and i think he does know that, deep inside. but he is trapped, where he is now, and the only way out is for him to tell the truth.

the truth will set you free. it might upend your entire life, but it will set you free. and it is past time that merlin was free. from camelot’s oppression, and from the oppressive dictates of destiny, too - if destiny had shut up for two seconds about ‘don’t trust mordred,’ we wouldn’t necessarily be in this situation now.

i guess overall this episode leaves me feeling pretty grim. and sad, i guess, because honestly like - it’s hard to for me to even root for arthur, as we enter the finale. i can’t condemn mordred for running away to join the rebellion. i don’t think morgana’s ideals are exactly pure, obviously; we’ve already seen several seasons ago how her goals have slid from ‘liberation’ to ‘power’ - but mordred is only motivated by the fight against injustice. he’s in it for freedom. and i can’t fault him for that, because he isn’t wrong. i can’t fault him for giving up merlin’s identity, either, because merlin’s been treating him like crap from the very beginning (and again, yes, it’s more complicated than that - merlin is in an impossible position; he has reasons to trust all of the people who make prophecies at him - but still. that doesn’t make mordred less wronged.)

so it’s kind of like - i’m going into the finale feeling like i shouldn’t really be rooting for our heroes. which is kind of...depressing.

i mean. yeah.

he kind of does.

#the once and future slowburn #meta #merlin S5 #long post #this is such a...i don't know #it's just...a bummer #like i appreciate that the show is kind of allowing us to sit with the complexity #and for once not telling us that 'arthur's right no matter what'#they haven't quite gone the 'guess we were right not to trust mordred route!' yet #they had arthur say 'i shouldn't have trusted him' but i don't believe that's their endorsement of that position #and i'm glad #because that's just...demonstrably false; after this episode #but i also don't trust them not to take that tack later because they have a history of that sort of thing #so who knows?#right now i'm just in a place where i feel glum because i mean...how can i even root for the heroes?#like #mordred strides off to morgana's fortress and i was like 'good! you go! you march over there!'#he's been wronged! how can i justifiably ask him to just roll over and take it?#it's not fair to ask that of him #it's not fair to ask that of any of them #and that **includes** merlin #merlin should never have had to do all the things he's done for this regime #i know why he's done them; and he won't complain; but he's been wronged as well #he's made mistakes but he's also been victimized so it's just...it's a mess #i just can't envision a scenario where this turns out okay for anyone #even arthur and merlin 'winning' doesn't seem like a good ending to me #because like...why does camelot deserve to win right now?#i don't know #it's hard to explain #it's just...a disaster

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