#also Sonic’s laugh sounds kinda evil sometimes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

raging-tackeydios · 8 months

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shitty idea time: monster hunter monsters if they had personalities/characters and bantered with the hunter mid-fight instead of being mindless animals

for context the variant, deviant, subspecies, etc. monsters would have the same lines as the vanilla species but with different VAs, paralleling how their hunting horns are the same melody with different instruments

i didn't do all of them because i couldn't really think of personalities for all of them

okay go

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"great/drome" monsters: somewhere between the soldier and charlie from pikmin 3: military commanders ordering about their pack members in battle with...less than effective results

(blue) yian kut ku: constantly scared, bellyaching about how his auricles hurt or he's out of breath and such, and would very much rather be somewhere else: he's a big chicken, after all

(scarred, deadeye) yian garuga: basically imagine scratch from adventures of sonic the hedgehog if he wanted sonic ground into a bloody paste instead of merely hurt or captured: he even has the voice too. throws huge temper tantrums when you get knocked out of the arena or another monster intrudes because it means he can't fight you any more

cephadrome: constantly taunting the player about how he's so hard to hit under the sand, but the moment he gets dragged out he starts begging for mercy and running away

(ruby) basarios: too fat and stupid to even realize you're trying to attack him, or that he's attacking you...kinda like louie from pikmin honestly

(black) gravios: lazy, almost depressed, even, and doesn't really care about the fact that you're trying to beat the snot out of him: if you win, he dies, and if your weapons bounce off of his carapace he gets to wallow and be miserable more, so it's a win-win situation

(purple) gypceros: adhd personified. hyperactive as hell and constantly getting distracted during the fight, only to circle back and get super pissed at you: when he "dies" the first time he gets sad that his prank didn't work if you don't fall for it

(red) khezu: weird scrimbly bimbly thing that only talks in short sentence fragments, is constantly sniffing around to get a read on you, and sounds garbled like he's underwater. also the screaming. he's constantly screaming seemingly at random. kinda like a much more gooey hyness

(gold, pink) rathian: more down to earth than rathalos (because she stays on the ground.) she gets tired of having to basically babysit rathalos sometimes but she still loves him with all her heart. constantly trying to rein him in and get him to take you seriously during the fight when they're fighting together: regardless of whether he's killed or captured she breaks down sobbing and trying to avenge him

(silver, azure) rathalos: imagine a flying version of bowser from the mario RPGs. dumb as bricks, and he's not really treating the fight as life or death, but more like just a thing he does every tuesday: he's happy to see you, but he still has to act like the bad guy. you can hear him trying to practice his evil laugh as he's flying away, then berating himself for it not being good enough. if he's fighting with rathian he gets a lot more meek when she's captured and almost goes dead silent for the rest of the fight when she's killed

diablos: has a potty mouth that would put a sailor to shame. during his turf war with black diablos they both get off on the fact they're beating the crap out of each other

bloodbath diablos: basically a fusion between kai yan and tartarus from dragalia. believes that the philosophy of "might makes right" is the ultimate creed, and wipes out any monsters near him because he believes they're weak and unfit of fighting to live. meanwhile he kills humans for the slight they inflicted on him in the past. gets more desperate as the fight wears on because he cannot be anything less than the perfect being, and when he dies/gets captured he's not mad because he lost, he's mad because he lost to you.

black diablos: horny. angry and very very horny. does not care about the fact that you're a fraction of her size: she's getting off on the fact that you're dealing intense bodily harm to her and thus she wants you inside her. basically the embodiment of this meme here:

(white) monoblos: a friendly rival to diablos, and treats the entire fight as a huge pissing contest between them, even when the former is nowhere to be found. very proud of his horn. knows hunters are always after him as a rite of passage, so he's sort of fallen into a mentor-like role, and he's always proud when he gets slain or captured

(plum, stonefist) daimyo hermitaur: scared and is constantly hiding behind his claws, prioritizing keeping you the hell away at all times. very antisocial.

(terra) shogun ceanataur: extremely proud of his claws, yelling about keeping your hands off "the merchandise" once he gets enraged, and both figuratively and literally starts foaming at the mouth once they get broken. gets really embarrassed once his shell is broken, and stays meek like that for the rest of the fight

rustrazor ceanataur: acts like a drug addict, only with the drug references replaced with references to sharpening his claws on glavenus' skull

(green, lucent, silverwind) nargacuga: wants to act like a ninja. ends up acting more like something out of naruto. also he recites his own version of darkwing duck's "i am the terror that flaps in the night" thing at the beginning of the fight

(molten, grimclaw) tigrex: dim, but a really nice guy, kind of like a large dog, and actually doesn't mind you fighting to the death that much: the problem is that he's CONSTANTLY FUCKING SCREAMING EVERYTHING HE SAYS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. his violent charges aren't actually charges he's just trying to give you a big hug. with his mouth.

(furious) rajang: imagine goku but like a minimum of ten times as violent and with the battle-obsessed stalker-ish qualities of nemona. can be sometimes heard humming parts of the DK Rap when calm. his fight is as much him showboating as he is trying to maul you

(flaming) espinas: talks in his sleep. starts off asleep and mutters stuff like "just five more minutes mom" as you hit him, then gradually starts groggily walking around. then when you hit him enough he loses his shit and starts swearing up a storm while beating the tar out of you...and then eventually the adrenaline wears off and he reverts to the passive half-asleep version of himself.

akantor/ukanlos: acts like a JRPG villain's monstrous final form, with parallels to each other's lines

arzuros: expy of banjo. one of the few monsters that actually gets along with qurupeco

(snowbaron) lagombi: sort of like a skier. less focused on fighting you and just happily slip-sliding around on the ice.

volvidon: constantly warning you to keep your distance mid-fight: since the Soiled gas is actually just flatulence, he's worried he's going to have a bit of stress-induced incontinence

(crimson) qurupeco: you know how squidward believes he has lots of talent with the clarinet but he actually plays like ass? yeah imagine that but replace the clarinet but with monster roars. all the other monsters only come to his "aid" just to shut him the hell up, and he's gleefully unaware of this even as he's being ripped to shreds

barroth: has a couple pebbles rattling around in his crown in lieu of a brain, and thus goes nuts like a dog seeing a mailman with a single minded pursuit to run you over

nibelsnarf: obsessed with food. will eat any bombs you put down and deem them delicious, even after they explode in his gullet and he calls them "a bit spicy."

(steel) uragaan: basically a goron in all but name: loud, boisterous, rolls to get around, and loves eating rocks

(rust) duramboros: basically an old miner that mostly just wants some peace and quiet. has to put a considerable amount of effort into all of his attacks, especially the one where he throws himself into the air like a shot put, and starts complaining about his back after he lands

(thunderlord) zinogre: a breakdancer. constantly boasting about his moves in battle and treats his fulgurbug tenants as "special effects."

brachydios: acts like a hammy heel wrestler such as rawk hawk or incineroar...even though he's supposed to be a boxer instead of a wrestler. sometimes he acts like he's sparring with you instead.

raging brachydios: the same heel persona from before, but now all washed up and depressed, desperately grasping at his former fame. near the end where he traps you in his lair he gets his old passion back as he goes completely apeshit for one last fight

(savage) deviljho: not really much different from his canon incarnation, except now he just moans or roars "STILL...SO...HUNGRY..." at times

(ash) kecha wacha: somewhere between a class clown and a memelord. hangs on branches and canopies specifically to cackle at you.

(desert) seltas: speaks like a stereotypical robot. not much to him unless he's being used as a puppet by the seltas queen: he is a drone, after all

(berserk) tetsucabra: somewhere between big the cat and big man. the rocks he pulls up are supposed to be for him to hide behind, but he's so dim he thinks you're gone too.

(tidal) najarala: a stereotypical snake character that speakssss like thissss. sometimes he accentuates the hissing noises by rattling his tail along with them. gets pissed off when you escape his "ring of doom" attack, as he has to spend a lot of time positioning himself to circle around you and enact it.

(shrouded) nerscylla: looks intimidating but is actually really shy and timid (sorta reflects real tarantulas tbh). her gypceros pelt is like a beloved hoodie to her and she gets really sad when it's destroyed

(tigerstripe) zamtrios: actually a really nice guy. the problem is, like real sharks, he figures out whether something is food or not by biting it. obviously most hunters don't let him nibble them and just whack him, so he ends up fighting most people he meets. also he makes the "dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun" from Jaws while he's swimming through ice. his voice lines get pitched up super high when he's inflated.

(desert) seltas queen: speaks much like A Certain Other Queen (The One Who Is: At The Very Least Kinda Sorta Famous) and treats her seltas underlings like garbage. once she fully takes control of the seltas they speak in unison

seregios: imagine jaleel white's sonic if he could shoot his spines. and also fly. spins the fact that he's basically a refugee by saying he's spreading freedom wherever he goes, much like the real sonic. deep down, he isn't buying it.

(boltreaver) astalos: crackheaded hyperactive maniac. makes a lot of references to monster energy: this is because his electric powers don't come from his special muscles, but from him guzzling down a potent cocktail of stimulants and cans of monster by the truckload. explains the crackheadedness i guess. repeatedly denies that he's crazy to the rest of the fated four

(violet) mizutsune: huge bitch. he wants to be looked at and for everything to be about him all the time, and he throws temper tantrums sometimes when it isn't. also he's horny. very horny. he sounds snooty and effeminate like Juno Songs' portrayal of rubber band from Paper Mario: The Origami King

soulseer mizutsune: f u c k i n g sans undertale

(acidic, hellblade) glavenus: acts like a noble knight and will lay down his life to protect other members of the fated four. gets into quarrels with gammoth who is of a similar mindset. despite being a protector, his real love is cooking, which he does with his heated tailblade.

(elderfrost) gammoth: also a protector, but in a more motherly sort of way i guess. big enough to encompass the entire rest of the fated four so she just uses herself as a shield.

(nightcloak) malfestio: somewhere between a jester and a magician. constantly talks a big game about gaining sleight of hand on you, and gets flustered when you can outgambit his dirty tricks

ahtal-ka: imagine peridot's voice and personality crossbred with the mechanical ingenuity, scientific passion, and sheer psychopathic bloodlust that TotK's version of link is known for. basically treats the entire fight as a giant experiment and actively takes notes each time you defeat her ahtal-neset, so she can get rid of the weak spots you target.

(fulgur) anjanath: basically the jerk jock trope personified, fitting how it's known as the "relentless ruffian." talks a big game in battle but is quick to fold when something bigger, like a rathalos, enters the scene

(ebony) odogaron: you know that scene from gumball where it's shown from the Evil Turtle's perspective and it's like "BITE BITE BITE EAT FOOD FOR STRENGTH TO BITE BITE BITE MAKE LITTLE TURTLES TO BITE EVEN MORE" ...yeah that's basically how this guy operates

tzitzi-ya-ku: basically a paparazzi/photographer. flees peacefully once he gets good "shots" of monsters (read: blinds them) and when he's fighting you he's more concerned about getting your good side and putting you in the right light than he is about self preservation

(seething) bazelgeuse: basically a much angrier version of the soldier. barely even knows why he's in this locale or that: all he knows is that he's not going home until something dies. flies into battle screaming at the top of his lungs.

aknosom: an acrobat and a performer. more concerned with stomping on your face like a goomba than actually doing anything effective. tries to lick you once you're close to its head while it's downed.

tetranadon: another wrestler-inspired character like brachydios, but this time he's a face instead of the heel. very self absorbed and is convinced all of the small monsters watching from the sidelines are there to cheer him on and boo you.

(blood orange) bishaten: an even bigger shitlord than kecha wacha. could not care less about whether he lives or dies because he had fun and he got to see you get pissed while doing it.

(magma) almudron: a cantankerous old dude. he's less interested in actually protecting his territory and more so just chasing you off it. constantly complaining and bellyaching regardless.

somnacanth: a parody of an idol. her singing voice is actually really good but she gets so passionate that she releases her signature narcotic dust, which puts any prospective audience to sleep. still, she tries to put on the best performance she can even mid-fight

auroracanth: the idol from before but now jaded and disillusioned with life.

(pyre) rakna-kadaki: a wicked witch-archetype character that cares really deeply about her rachnoid minions. gets really distraught when you kill them or knock over the sac she's using to incubate them. this does not stop her from eating the rachnoids that are males. basically imagine Magica deSpell (2017) if she had an entire army of lenas instead of just one

(scorned) magnamalo: a mirror to the fierce flame, constantly spouting out cheesy puns and one liners with almost all of his attacks. starts laughing like a maniac once he does that move where he runs around like crazy.

garangolm: very peaceful, even to the point that he's willing to forgive you up to a certain HP threshold or if captured. but this guy hates anyone who would disturb the peace or bully others, and eventually lose his shit and decry you going "YOU! ARE NOT! A NICE! PERSON!!!" or something like that

lunagaron: tries to put on a sonic.exe-esque vibe to seem more intimidating, contrary to what his werewolf-like design would suggest. he's very terrible at it and ends up flubbing his "lines" often.

(ashen) lao-shan lung: basically that hobo who sits on the street holding the "The End Is Near" sign. only this time the end is actually near because the only reason he's there is because he's fleeing from fatalis.

kirin: h o n s e

chameleos: basically scampton from deltarune chapter rewritten if he was a magician as well as a jester. his entire fight is, from his perspective, mostly a bunch of cool magic tricks, but he's also screwing with you a bit too. the problem is that he's not satisfied until you're having as much "fun" as he is, and he's insane and his desire for fun is insatiable. kinda like caine from the amazing digital circus

teostra: basically @darbycupit's portrayal of king leongar, but as a good guy. he's revered and treated by a noble king by all the other monsters.

lunastra: violently protective of teostra. will go apeshit on anything that so much as looks at him funny and he often sheepishly has to reel her back in. basically the opposite of rathian.

yama tsukami: basically a super-sized supernatural patrick star. doesn't really care about what he's doing or where he ends up as long as he gets to eat stuff.

alatreon: completely batshit insane. the schizo to end all schizos. the voices in his head are actually mental representation of his various active modes. with his dying breath he thanks you for keeping him from suffering split between multiple personalities.

amatsu: believes it is his divine right to take territory he wants, blowing out all others with mighty storms, and treats the fierce flame (and other animals in general really) with nothing but contempt. gets more desperate and rageful as the fight goes on because he doesn't want to be killed by what's basically an ant to him

gore magala: acts aloof and ominous in an attempt to appear cool. however, he's basically still just a kid on the inside, and as such his true childish personality often slips through the cracks

chaotic gore: incapable of making any speech other than pained howls. when killed he thanks you for ending his suffering.

shagaru magala: basically @stelyos' portrayal of fecto elfilis: a YHWH-like warlord god who sees all life as beneath him and worthy only of subjugation

nakarkos: starts the fight trying to keep up the facade that he's a two headed bone abomination, using his tentacles like puppets to keep up the con. however, as the fight rolls on and the tentacles get uncovered, he half-heartedly tries to keep up appearances before going "fuck it" to pop out and reveal his true form, and with it his true personality: a very gluttonous and boisterous pirate

(crimson glow) valstrax: the fastest thing alive, more concerned with showing off his incredible speed than actually fighting you. once he realizes he might actually be in trouble, he just doubles down and starts showboating harder instead of making an effort.

(blackveil) vaal hazaak: a mysterious necromancer-like character. what he actually wants is friends due to being holed up in the bottom layers of the vale and being too hazardous to approach, and when killed, he'll lament that he could really only have friends through effluvium necromancy.

(ruiner) nergigante: yet another bowser expy, this time of juno songs' portrayal of the character

velkhana: actually pretty chill. however, she has to keep up appearances, namely those from the frozen corpses she leaves around, and acts like a supervillainess while fighting you

namielle: dumb as a rock and only really cares about looking cool in battle and looking cool in general. basically an inkling in all but form and name.

malzeno: despite his elegant appearance he's actually a huge chuunibyou. he's really new to this whole "bad guy" schtick after becoming the qurio's host to protect everybody, so he's putting all the effort in all the wrong places of his performance.

primordial malzeno: a noble hero that willingly accepts the fact that he needs to die for the sake of everyone else at the beginning of the fight. as the infection progresses further he becomes less and less coherent and at the end he's basically only making pained screeches, begging for the fierce flame to end his misery during his brief periods of lucidity

zorah magdaros: the entire fight dialogue is basically a never ending long winded rambling old man monologue

shara ishvalda: basically imagine that thing about monika knowingly shutting down any streams she detects at her part of the story in DDLC, except different. shara ishvalda's banter isn't directed at the hunter. it's directed at you specifically. if you have an xbox kinect maybe the game would turn it on to look at you and better fit said banter.

safi'jiiva: similar to the other part of @stelyos' portrayal of fecto elfilis: a world-shaping godlike being that firmly believes that survival of the fittest is the only way the world can work, and since he is by definition the fittest, he's the only one that deserves to survive

ibushi: no thoughts only horny

narwa: constantly talking smack to you through the twins

gaismagorm: sounds like a massive mishmash of voices sort of like @darbycupit's portrayal of fecto forgo. it's not actually anything supernatural the voices just echo around in his weird flower mouth thing and they all sound different

all of the fatalises: somewhere between tartarus from dragalia lost on steroids and calamity ganon: a being that was so consumed by its hatred it turned into a nearly mindless shade of its former self

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fromthewifecage · 4 years

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Kombatants and a clumsy S/O (aka: Oh shit I just dropped my sandwich on the floor)

This idea for some headkanons came from a silly chat with @gojihime99, and I just had to write something. Also I’m suffering from pretty horrendous PMT this month and occasionally, amongst the anger and annoying fits of sobbing, I become even more clumsy that normal. I’ve almost fallen down the stairs so many times in the last 2 days that I have no idea how I haven’t seriously hurt myself. This includes Erron Black, Johnny Cage (mention of Younger!Johnny but focused on Dad!Johnny), Nightwolf, Bi-Han, Kenshi (yes @malicedragoness, I finally included him for you, sorry it’s not full on filth), Kabal and Kano (again Kano is last so if you don’t like him you can ignore the end). It’s aiming for humour and fluff, with a hint of smut. Hope you like :D It’s quite long so do keep reading after the cut! Erron Black: This man has the reflexes of a magician. He’ll be relaxing with you, an arm slung around your shoulders, one hand stroking through your hair, whilst his other hand will be dancing a coin across his knuckles. You’re not complaining, talented fingers are very useful after all, but it’s unfair that he never seems to drop anything or even have to concentrate on making sure he doesn’t spill his drink when he’s carrying it, your drink, a bowl of snacks, and some napkins because it’s inevitable that you’ll spill said drink at least once. “Noooooooooo!” Erron appears in the doorway, thumbs hooked into his belt, feet crossed nonchalantly and a massive smirk on his infuriatingly sexy lips. “What you dropped this time, darlin’?” “Sandwich.” He snorts and saunters away, spurs jingling, the noise only half covering his low rumbly laughter. Sexy bloody bastard. Well the floor is clean, he knows you drop stuff occasionally (all the time) and so he takes time to mop the floor, all so you can take advantage of the 5 second rule. And he mops topless because it means you’ll get all hot and red and then your clothes will fall off and you’ll both end up fucking on the kitchen worktops. “Noooooooooo!” This time it’s Erron yelling and you running into the bedroom. There you find Erron sprawled on the bed, his smirk even smirkier. “You ok?!” “Looks like I fell on the bed. Gosh darn it.” His smirk curls into a predatory grin that sends a deep aching pulse to your core. Ugh. Stupid sexy bastard. Then ‘oh nooooo’ you’ve fallen too. And your clothes soon fall to the floor. Gosh darn it. Keep reading for more idiocy after the cut...

Johnny Cage: Younger!Johnny has no time for clumsiness and will roll his eyes whenever you trip up the stairs (how is that even a thing? Surely gravity should stop that? Stupid science). He’s a bit of a twat, let’s be honest. It’s when baby Cassie comes along that he experiences his own clumsiness for the first time. Being woken countless times a night and surviving for months on little to no sleep turns the once smoothly graceful man into a stumbling mess. It also shows him how dangerous a home can be and after he’s tripped over a dropped baby bottle seemingly 100 times in one night that he calls in his PA and has the apartment (Penthouse) baby (and sleepy Dad) proofed. Dad!Johnny is a much more understanding and kind man. “Noooooooooo!” Johnny runs into the kitchen, hair wet from the shower and sticking up in every possible direction, towel flapping, fists held in front of him, his entire body radiating green light. “You ok, baby?” You’re speechless, scared and he’s now worried. It’s after a good few minutes of him searching the kitchen, spouting off threats of serious bodily harm that you find your voice. “I’m sorry, please don’t be angry with me I didn’t mean to I’m sorry please don’t Hulk-out!” He’s puzzled at first, and kinda worried you’re unwell. that’s when he notices the green glow lighting up the kitchen. His face flushes red and he’s so damn adorable that you can’t help but pull him into your arms, and when you finally get him to tell you about the ‘glow’ you just about die with happiness. You wake him up the next morning wearing all the green clothes you own. “You ‘Hulking-out’ now, sweetheart?�� “It’s my way of glowing, you know, cos I love you too.” Maybe you didn’t need to dig out that ill fitting green shirt, because he has that off you in mere seconds, and everything else you’re wearing. Neither of you leave the bedroom until you really need a sandwich. And he offers to make it this time. Nightwolf: He’s not one to comment on any clumsiness, that would be mean and the last thing he’d ever want to do is make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed of something you can’t really control. If you repeatedly drop or squish things he’ll rearrange his home to make it easier for you to move without bashing your hip into the edge of the table, repeatedly. He’ll think about why you might be clumsy, are you not paying attention, or is the table possessed by an evil demon who likes to watch you hurt yourself on it’s sharp corners? Maybe you’re overly stressed by your job? He wants to help, he wants you to be happy and besides, if your hip is sore then that might get in the way of rolling about naked together in the forest and that is not ok. “Noooooooooo!” Nightwolf runs into the kitchen in the most heroic way, hair loose and majestic, an axe tightly held ready to vanquish whatever is making you shout. He finds you pouting at a happy Kiba licking at the floor. “Are you alright, my love?” When it comes out that you’re sad because you dropped your sandwich on the kitchen floor and Kiba snaffled it in one big bite, Nightwolf is stunned. He puts down the axe and pulls you into his arms, stroking your back and trying oh so very hard not to laugh. “I’ll make you a new one, and we can go outside and watch the sunset whilst you eat it.” Nightwolf is the best. Especially when he’s butt naked and howling with pleasure into the night as you ride him, sandwich forgotten and uneaten in the picnic basket he put together. Bi-Han: The man can move as silently as smoke and as fluidly as water, so honestly, your clumsiness does annoy him. But he does admire that you don’t make a big deal (usually), that you clean up any mess, and you don’t ask him to modify his home to suit you, rather you accept you’re going to bash your hips against the edge of the table, or hit your head when you open a cabinet when looking for his secret chocolate supply (he’ll deny he has one). If you’re living together or at least spending time together out of bed, then he has actual feelings for you, so accepts your clumsiness as part of you, and wouldn’t dream of asking or trying to get you to change. He loves you as you are, clumsy dork or not, and you love him just the way he is, a big scary (sexy) assassin. “Noooooooooo!” Bi-Han saunters into the kitchen. He’s an exceptionally skilled assassin, he can tell if there is someone else is in the house, and it’s just you, and from the sound of it, you’ve dropped your sandwich. He leans against the doorframe and watches you sulk. “You’re cute when you pout.” You have to stomp over to the fridge to hide the smile that tries to erase your pout. When you find you’ve had the last of the cheese you really do pout. Bi-Han just grins that infuriating gin of his and nods towards a bag on the table. Inside is cheese, crisp salad leaves and your favourite bread from your favourite bakery, all the way over the other side of town. He knew you were running low on supplies and didn’t want you to go hungry. You reward him with a long lingering kiss and don’t even mention the blood smear staining the bag. Best not to. Plus Bi-Han has his hands under your top and you’d really rather not distract him from that. Kenshi: He would never deliberately intrude upon your thoughts without your express permission, but sometimes, especially if you’re thinking hard or are emotional about something, your thoughts project too loudly to ignore. There are also times that Kenshi feels he has to read your thoughts, for example if you’re upset or he’s genuinely worried about you. Your clumsiness confused him at first, he’d hear shrieks or thuds, you’d wince if he pressed against a bruise as his hands explored your body, and it took him breaching his own rules on telepathy and reading your mind to see what really happened. So he was relieved to find that you were not in danger, no-one was hurting you or making you anxious enough to lose focus and hurt yourself; you just lost focus on your surroundings, weren’t spatially aware of your own body or were paying attention to something else enough to walk into the wall, again. “Noooooooooo!” Kenshi strolls into the kitchen as the sandwich levitates off the ground and back onto the plate you’re holding. “My hero!” You squeak and rush to hug him. He’s a fantastic hugger so you barely need an excuse to wrap your arms around his wiry frame. The sandwich starts sliding off the plate again so Kenshi calmly hovers them both onto the table to let you hug him tighter. “Was this just a ploy to get me in your arms?” You laugh and hug him tighter. “No, but would you object if I tried it in the future? Or we can just pretend I’ve dropped my sandwich and you can still be all handsome and heroic and save me from possessed food?” His laughter is silenced by your lips pressing to his own and hands that tug at his crisply pressed shirt. His smile is too beautiful not to kiss. Kabal: Not only is he a speed demon, but he’s graceful as well. Quite how he can zip around at speeds so fast Sonic would be jealous AND manage not to knock anything over and avoid pedestrians is frankly unfair. At the start of your relationship he’ll zoom around moving things out of your way, but after you explain it feels overly protective and nannying, he stops (unless you're in serious danger). He understands your need to feel free, to grab onto any small chunks of personal freedom that you can, and admires that you can accept your ‘flaws’. He does tease you about it if you bump into something, but gently and with a smile, and he knows you can’t resist his smiles, so it’s doubly good, right? “Noooooooooo!” He’s there before you finish groaning out your frustration. “You ok?” “Dropped my sandwich.” He can’t help but laugh. “And there was me thinking it was a monster. Kinda hoped it was a monster so I could show off and slice it into pepperoni so you’d swoon and offer me anything I wanted for being your saviour.” “Oh, is that how it is?” You grin and grab a hold of his shirt, tugging him to press against you. He raises an eyebrow and grins, eyes sparkling. “You want me to get on my knees and show you how grateful I am for you rescuing me from the big bad sandwich?” It’s after you both breathlessly get to your feet having rolled around on the kitchen floor, that you notice what happened to the sandwich. Kabal jokingly offers you the bum-flattened bread. You both end up on the floor again when you tell him you’d rather eat his ass. Kano: Drop his stuff and he’ll get pissed off, drop your own and he’ll laugh. And if you drop food then he’s fully into the 5 second (or minutes/hours) rule. Food is food, and when you grow up dirt poor then a little bit of floor on your sandwich isn’t enough to throw it away. If you’re in a casual/fuck buddy thing with him then he’s not going to see you enough to witness your clumsiness, but once he develops feelings for you and wants you around, he finds pretty much everything you do cute and lovable. “Noooooooooo!” Kano barrels into the kitchen like a sexy (sexier?) crocodile Dundee, knives out, tits out, red eye glowing menacingly. He’s used to all manner of fuck off deadly shit in Australia, and in Russia you may not have ‘death on eight legs’ or Jaws waiting mouth open in a puddle, but you do get bears, wolves, and angry bastards who’ve run out of vodka. “You ok, love?” You pout and point to the floor. Your meticulously made sandwich (and you’d been thinking about it all day) lay on the floor. “Well, whilst you’re down there, love?” His grin is filthy and despite the horrendous line, you laugh. “Oh no, think it’s my turn, don’t you?” “Don’t have to ask me twice.” For a man his size he is far faster than you’d imagine, and he has his tongue inside you before you can really catch your breath. He even gives you the bigger half of the sandwich afterwards. He’s a softy really.

#Erron Black #Johnny Cage #Nightwolf #Bi-Han #Kabal #Kano #Mortal Kombat #Mortal Kombat Headkanons #Mortal Kombat Headcanons #Younger!Johnny Cage #Dad!Johnny Cage #noob saibot #OG Sub-Zero #Sandwich

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saintheartwing · 4 years

Text

Invader Zim: The Pigshit Troll, Part Two

"Well, son, I can tell something's truly bothering you." Professor Membrane remarked as he sat down next to Dib in his room, black-gloved hands folded in his lap, his eyes gazing down through his big, large white goggles…not that you could see them, that glass was thick! "I'd like us to be closer. Please, talk."

"Wow, that's new." Dib thought. His dad outright approaching him pretty much out of nowhere just to talk? "Uh…Dad, when you were young, did people call you names? Bully you? Like…a lot? I'm getting accused of being this horrible online bully that's just TRASHING people's stories on the school website."

"You? Oh, Dib, that sounds so silly! You're slightly whiny, my boy, not a troll."

"…thanks, I guess?" Dib muttered as his Dad ruffled his hair.

"Complaining isn't always a bad thing, Dib. When people were getting sick from the food they bought at their local groceries, it took going to Congress and complaining to the government that the food wasn't right to change things. If we don't point out when something doesn't work, then it won't ever get made better. And sometimes it works! Look at that delightful Sonic movie. I remember when I was young, seeing that trailer drop. My heart sank. My hopes were crushed. But then…then they listened to the outcry, made Sonic look far better, and it was as if I was a child again playing Genesis, hidden away in my closet!" He proclaimed. "Sometimes people listen, sometimes they make changes, and it makes things better. THAT'S the eternal hope of people who complain. That if they say just the right words to the right person at the right time…they'll convince them to be better than they are."

"I'd LIKE to think that." Dib sighed. "But sometimes…I think people just wanna get stuff off their chest."

"Well, that's a human response." His dad told him. "That's normal."

"And sometimes I think people just wanna scream at someone and be heard!"

"That's normal too." Professor Membrane added. "At any rate, I'm not going to tell you to simply get a thicker skin and "buck up". The studies show that doesn't work at all!" He remarked, shaking his head back and forth. "And I'm certainly not going to tell you to retreat into yourself either, or just never go online. No, you need to talk to people about it. Talking always helps, that's what the data shows." He told Dib with a firm, wise, nod. "You can always come to me about this sort of thing, son. I promise you."

"That does make me feel a little better." Dib admitted, his father ruffling his hair before he left the room, a soft warmth spreading through Dib's frame. That HAD been nice, being able to just chat with his Dad. Still…he needed a long term solution. Talking to his father about this sort of thing was pretty much just a band aid.

He needed a more permanent fix. Luckily he knew just who to turn to.

"I need your help."

Gaz couldn't believe what she was hearing. She stared at Dib, mouth agape, eyes wide.

"…YOU…need MY help." She remarked as she stopped playing the latest edition of "Super Smash Bros X Street Fighter", putting the controller down. "…I should call Ripley's Believe it or Not. Rarer than Bigfoot! Rarer than the Loch Ness Monster! Rarer than an actual alien! DIB MEMBRANE ASKING FOR MY HELP." She gave a big, fat, grin. "By the way, that reminds me, guess who was using the belt sander?"

"Wait, Bigfoot's back?!" Dib asked, gaping in surprise. "Is he still there?!" He wanted to know as Gaz led him to the garage door.

"It was never Bigfoot, Dib." She told him.

"Then who was it?"

"CHEWBACCA!" She proclaimed with a grin as, sure enough, a tall, crossbow-blaster-wearing furry alien stood there, black nose a bit ruffled as he finished putting the last touches on his new knife using the belt sander, and cheerily grinned at Gaz, waving at her.

"CHEWIE?!" Dib asked.

"What a Wookie." Gaz sighed. "He's been smuggling me parts for my room security ever since I found him. I can't believe you ever spooked him enough to chase him off, though. What on Earth did you use?"

"Well, evidently wookies are positively terrified of air horns." Dib confessed. "Sorry about that. Must have super sensitive ears, huh?"

"HUUUUHRRRRRUUNNHHH!" Chewie agreed, exiting the garage as Dib sighed and turned to Gaz.

"So can you help me track down that troll?" He wanted to know.

"I dunno…" Gaz rubbed her chin. "I mean, I don't like getting bad reviews left on my stories either, but it is KINDA funny to see you squirming and under so much scrutiny." She confessed. "And you can't just move away or anything. Even if you did, if more reviews popped up trashing people's work, they would just all assume it's still you. Other countries got internet, after all. Unless you were literally tied to a pole and couldn't TYPE, people would just assume you're still at it."

"You're all heart!" Dib grumbled.

"Hey, you wanted help, I'm giving you the truth. That's just how people feel, you can be a really condescending asshole." Gaz said. "You ain't no perfect little angel."

"As opposed to being a REGULAR asshole like you or Zim?" Dib said, his temper flaring up, Gaz looking astounded that Dib was actually talking back to her. "And I've never CLAIMED to be an angel, Gaz, I…I KNOW I can be kind of…pushy. Obsessive compulsive. And I know I can be…insensitive to what other people think and…okay yeah! Yeah, I can be a jerk!" He threw his hands in the air and sighed. "But I'm doing something literally no other kid has to do!" He paced around, shaking his head back and forth. "No OTHER kid has to put up with trying to stop an alien lunatic that's not just a megalomaniac and psychotic alien but somebody outright sadistic and evil and petty and manipulative and a total jerk! On a pretty much daily basis! And half the time he almost succeeds at what he does, and if I don't stop him, people DIE! That's…that is WAY too much to put on someone not old enough to shave!" Dib told Gaz.

"…yeah, I'll give you that one." Gaz sighed.

"But I'm the only one who gets shit on. Nobody at school criticizes you because you'll beat the crap out of them. You got those freaky powers and everything! Even the teachers are scared of you! Zim? Zim gets off because people see me trying to expose him and they think I'm bullying him unfairly! Even though every day he's always up to something horrible! Literally! Every day! I shouldn't have to deal with him, OR the stuff I get from you and my classmates and now all of this with people thinking I'm not just nutty for liking stuff they think is strange, but that I'm some rotten troll!"

"Maybe Zim is the troll." Gaz suggested.

Dib stopped in mid-spiel, and he gaped at her. "…that's…not baaaaad!" He murmured. "That IS the kinda thing he'd do! Framing me for something HE'S done! And when he wants to, he can be really fiendishly clever…" He paced back and forth. "But we need to check. Is there any way to check?" He murmured. "Could we trace his IP address?"

"We could if we hack into the school's computer system, and from there, we can access where the reviews got posted. But while you do that, I'm going to go call a…friend." She remarked, nonchalantly making her way off to her room as Dib raced for his, to begin his hard work. Gaz slid on into her chair in her room, typing into a little keyboard built into the armrest, and PING! A vid screen manifested before her, and a short, tubby Irken was on the other end.

Skoodge, Zim's…friend. Though given how he treated him, you'd think Skoodge was more of a servant. When they went to go get snacks and drinks, it was Skoodge who had to carry everything. When Zim wanted something moved, he got Skoodge to do it and never thanked him. And when it came to the food…

"You see, I can't stand eating anything day-old. So its only fair I make up for it in other ways!" Zim was insisting even now to Skoodge from the other end of the basement, leaving Skoodge with the day old donuts while Zim stuffed his face. Skoodge quietly sighed, shaking his head, and then turned to the screen on his computer station, seeing he had an incoming message, and turning it on.

"Ah, Gaz. How're you?" He asked. Gaz smiled back at him. Skoodge was very eager to please, easy to manipulate but, still…compared to most Irkens, he was a civil, nice sort. Conquering planets or the like was just a job to him, it wasn't personal, and he didn't seem to take any real delight in being a jerk the way Zim did, or Tak did. Besides, he also happened to find Gaz attractive. It was the purple hair. For some reason, Irkens looooved the color purple.

"Hey, Skoodge, I need a favor. Has Zim been bragging about being the troll at school leaving all those awful, sick reviews?" Gaz wanted to know.

"Oh, no. But he's loving seeing Dib go to pieces." Skoodge remarked. "It's really mean. He can't stop laughing uncontrollably whenever the topic gets brought up. He said he wishes he'd thought of it, it's so simple and evil a plan that it should have been his plan."

Gaz had to admit that she'd been pleasantly surprised to find Skoodge so agreeable. She'd gone gaming with him, playing online, and she'd grown to learn a lot about him, and also, in return, about Irkens, and it astounded her how much they really had in common with humans. After all, her leaders were also lazy, egotistic, smug jerks who liked hurting people for not being good enough, who forced you into bad jobs that paid barely anything, and thought they were a lot smarter and better than they really were!

And they also placed an emphasis on being tall too. Nobody really respected a short President Man!

Truly, two species joined at the hip without knowing it.

"Thanks, Skoodge. I appreciate it. You're really sure it isn't him, huh? Maybe…it's a long shot but…is GIR doing it? I mean, sometimes GIR gets up to weird things with Minimoose and the Computer."

"GIR has pretended to be a girl online, but he'd never be sadistic enough to leave those kind of messages." Skoodge remarked with a shake of his head.

This was true. The new MMO that came out, "Portal Defenders", a massive crossover game indeed, had come out about five months back and Skoodge had gotten super into it, and he'd been, along with Gaz, very surprised to find a very willing girl character who played as the one and only XJ9 from "My Life As A Teenage Robot" eager to help them. They'd gone on many a raid together and much to their delight, she'd proven invaluable…and also proven to be GIR.

Still, hey. It was a valid life choice. Fine by him.

"Hmm. So much for that. It's not you, is it?"

"No way!" Skoodge insisted. "I get my stories crapped on because I exclusively write fetish material. I'm VERY into macrophilia."

"Yeah, I always wanted to ask, how come you're so into big, huge stories with the rampages or the giants or the big aliens stomping around or eating people? It's kinda odd." Gaz admitted. "I mean, I'm into super metal stuff, I like weird things too, but I always wanted to ask…"

This was true. Skoodge also attended the school in disguise, the same grade as Gaz, and he actually had a lot of talent too. But he reaaaaally enjoyed writing stories with big monsters and aliens. Time after time, they'd be leveling cities or whole towns or some rando would end up becoming a big beast that gobbled up his coworkers or the like. Occasionally he even dived deeper and entire planets would be broken apart or devoured! It was well written, without a doubt, engaging, but it could get…kinda scary.

"Well…I'm short and fat and not the least bit threatening." Skoodge sighed. "Look at me. I'm a tubby loser." He murmured as he picked up his fat gut and shook it about. "But in these stories, I can be anything. I can be big, and powerful, wonderful and terrible all at once. Everyone loves me and fears me all at once. I kinda felt like that right after I conquered Blorch, and the Slaughtering Rat People…until the Tallest shot me outta the closet and another Invader took the credit for my work."

"Wish fulfillment, huh?" Gaz sighed. "Hey, y'know, I get it. I mean, it's why I keep watching "The Craft" or "Carrie" all the time, I'd love to do the kinda things those girls do in those films. Just let loose, y'know?"

"Yeah, sometimes you just gotta feed that wolf that's howling outside your door. Besides, the guidance counselor said it's a good way for me to deal with my more unpleasant urges by expressing them in a creative way." Skoodge added with a smile. "And it's worked! Putting all this on paper made me work through my thoughts and feelings and I began to realize how rotten my species are. We're just the literal worst. Did you know we executed the last artist we had on Irk because he refused to stop drawing propaganda?"

"That sounds dickish."

"It WAS! He said art should be about more than convincing people to blow stuff up. Then they blew him up. A bunch of pieces of him evidently got on Tallest Miyuki when she was in her Invader training, and that's why she decided to tone down the imperialistic tendencies of the Empire…for all the good it did us once Red and Purple came around." Skoodge sighed. "It's too bad, I missed working alongside the Vortians in the labs, those were good years." He confessed.

"Thanks for the help, Skoodge. Keep an eye on Zim for me, wouldja? Good to chat with you again. See you around!" Gaz told him, giving Skoodge a deliberate wink, then shutting the screen off as he sighed softly.

"Anything for you…" He murmured.

Dib meanwhile, had broken into the school system and was looking at various reviews left under people's stories. Hmm, this one was from Gaz-oh. OH! He hadn't seen this before. She was taking umbrage at how the character…an obvious stand-in for her, was portrayed. After all, she had a rough upbringing too, with Professor Membrane never around and yes, when Dib had been younger, he'd done a couple experiments on her. It had actually been what turned her hair purple, and he deeply regretted it, though she'd said she actually ended up LIKING her hair turning that way.

Dib cringed as he read the review. He got that she wanted to see herself as the hero, but…c'mon, Gaz. "I'M the one literally putting my life on the line just about every day, you're playing Game Slave and stuffing your face with pizza, I think I deserve a bit more understanding than you do." He muttered. She came off as so…entitled here!

Oh, and now a new review. "You should be nicer to Zim. He's got mental health issues."

"So do I, but I don't go around trying to destroy planets and enslave people." Dib muttered. "Zim isn't just insane. He's evil. Jesus. Why are there so many Stans for Zim? They all keep thinking he's being picked on when I'm the one who almost always gets it the worst…"

He cringed, stopping himself. "Stop it, Dib. No more pity parties. No more self-flagellating. You gotta focus." He murmured, examining the reviews, scrolling, scrolling. A lot of the troll reviews had been taken down by the teachers because they'd gotten sick of it too, but-wait. A new one. "ReVIEW MY STORiES! YOUR SToRiES ARE PIGSHIT!"

Ah ha. He had the IP address. His fingers swiftly moved across the keyboard, typing rapidly, his eyes widening as he saw where it came from.

It couldn't be. But…

The address was Membrane Labs.

His father's workplace.

What…the��fuuuuuuuck?

#Invader Zim #Zim #Dib #Gaz #Skoodge #fanfiction #fanfic #comedy #drama #dramedy

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bumblekscript · 4 years

Text

from BlueTidalGamer to Kyle: Do you have any favourite games that you'd consider a guilty pleasure?

Questions answered by Ian Flynn and Kyle Crouse

Episode link

Kyle: Well, I don’t really feel guilty about them, like

Ian: [laughs]

Kyle: is that a thing? Like, I understand that maybe I should guilty about them but I don’t

Ian: Close enough

Kyle: Sure, I mean, I don’t feel guilty about liking Sonic Heroes [laughs] I will acknowledge that it has massive problems, but I still like it and that’s fine, I’m fine with it, and so, I think a lot of it has to do with the music, but I also do find it kinda fun, it’s a bit repetitive having to play through the same stages with similar character multiple times in order to finish it, but on that same token, it’s actually kind of relaxing in a way, in that way, there’s definitely frustrating points, the special stages are hot garbage, they’re not good, they’re not good, they are not well done, the final battle against Metal Overlord as Super Sonic, no. It’s completely broken, I still don’t understand how it’s even supposed to work, because there’s so many like, invisible walls everywhere and it’s just, that’s completely broken, but I don’t know there’s still something about it that’s appealing to me, I like it better than Sonic Adventure 2, which is probably going to make people very mad to which I say

Ian: Sacrilege

Kyle: To which I say, come at me bros. I also love me some Warriors slash Musou game oh ho, they are so fun, just slaughtering down complete armies as a freaking like god, is awesome, it is so awesome, it is so cool I love them, especially Hyrule Warriors, which is funny, because I’m not like a huge Zelda fan, I like Zelda games but I’ve never been like super into them, and I’ve not played all of them, but for some reason Hyrule Warriors just hits me right perfectly, because even though I haven’t played many Zelda games, I’ve seen and played enough of them to know a lot of what they are referencing, so I can still appreciate it for the references, and because I like Zelda character, Zelda characters are great, I just you know, the games I don’t necessarily sit down and play all that often, so

Ian: I think the magic balance with Hyrule Warriors is that it’s indulgent in all the right ways, you are playing with the world’s best written fanfic, and you are given the power of a god to just lay waste to all the bad guys, until you are given the power of a god to lay waste to the good guys, so that you can lay waste to the bad guys again, as the good guys again, and it’s so good

Kyle: The fact that almost everybody is playable in some form or another, whether they’re good or evil is brilliant, it’s perfect, I can’t wait for the next one, I can’t wait for the age of calamity it’s gonna to be so

Ian: We’re not gonna get into that topic, or we’re nor going to finish the show, because I’m gonna go on and on and on and on and on

Kyle: Yep, that might be something we have to break out the actual episode numbers for, to talk about at some point

Both: [laugh]

Kyle: I also do have a soft spot for the Dead or Alive series, the fighting game specifically, I’ve not played the dating sims, but the fighting games, I like them, they’re silly, it’s a very just kinda stupid, fanservice-y game, but it actually has some pretty good fighting mechanics too, so it’s not all just silliness, I still stand by Super Princess Peach, I think it’s a pretty good, fun little platformer, people criticize it because it’s a game staring a woman focused on emotions, but here’s the thing, the whole point of the game is that Peach is the only one who can control her emotions, no one else can, Mario and everybody else is overcome with emotional strife, and she has to go out and be the one to, who actually has control over her emotions and be the one to save the kingdom, so, I think that’s a nice kinda twist of an old school formula, Golden Axe: Beast Rider, I like just because it’s stupid, I like stupid games, that’s my thing, apparently, same with Lollipop Chainsaw, it’s completely stupid, Metal Wolf Chaos is the same way, they’re just dumb, they’re just dumb fun, and that’s all I want in video games a lot of the time, just something to turn your brain off and have completely stupid things happening, that’s really all I want in life, really, because I’m sick of my brain [laughs] so, those are some of my guilty pleasures, I suppose, I’m not guilty about them, but you know. What about you Ian? what are some games you might, you enjoy but not necessarily

Ian: Going to admit to it?

Kyle: Going to admit it, I suppose

Ian: Ah shoot, I haven’t really thought about it because the question was posed to you, I didn’t think about it

Kyle: [laughs] Well, you know I always turn it around back on you sometimes

Ian: [laughs] I guess I feel a little dirty with just how much time I’ve spent on Tales of Crestoria, which is a very buggy gacha, and I mean, gachas in and of themselves kinda feel dirty because it’s a thinly veiled attempt to get your money, some of them are better about the gameplay than others, but you know that down at the bottom of it, they want you to spend money to get thing, I like getting the thing, I’ve never been suckered into spending money on it, and crestoria itself is, the bugginess aside, Kyle, the game wouldn’t load half the time when they launched because of a bug in the chat system

Kyle: [laughs]

Ian: You literally couldn’t go to the guild management screen because it would try to load the guild chat and break the game, it was, anyway

Kyle: Sounds like a mobile game to me, especially newly launched mobile game

Ian: And the drop rates are just atrocious, but I’m a fan of the tales of series, I’m really fond of the design aesthetic, the localization on the story is top notch, the music is solid, and who cares if most of the game is running on auto as I, you know, do something else, and just hit the button so I can get the thing, so I can level up the characters, so I can hit auto, so I can hit the thing and it’s completely a skinner box, but darn it, it’s a nice skinner box, I like the box, I press button, people do swingy anime thing, explosion, yay

Kyle: Sometimes you just need a nice boost of

Ian: Endorphins

Kyle: Yeah, sometimes, you just need a nice endorphin boost sometime you do, it’s fine, why do you think I like stupid games with dumb or no stories that are just button mash action, it’s the same kinda thing

questions can be asked at: [email protected]; On Twitter @BumbleKast; Comments section on any YouTube video; Through Ko-fi support; Patrons can post on Patreon page and the Q&A channel in the Patreon-exclusive Discord

#Bumblekast #bk121020 #Ian Flynn #Kyle Crouse #PriorityQ&A

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