#all the air in the room just bc you have a mental illness you literally cannot control. penelope and josie fuck all the way off like.

[yermes]

PAC: 🍁

School started for me and starbies just came out with their seasonal fall flavors so even though I am a victim of broke college student fevar I went to starbs bc whats $15 when yr already in a fuck ton of debt. So I went to starbs with my roomie to get some PSLs. But while we were there one of the baristas was just losing their absolute fucking mind at another barista who was just trying to help these young highschoolers not be late. Like???? Screaming at her not to touch anything and she can’t fucking jump the line my heart literally broke. If I had any money like fucking dollar bills I would have given them to her. Like so fucking awful. But honestly so many people are under appreciated. I literally spend my life taking care of people who claim that. “They only think of others, and they never put themselves first, or I am JUST SUCH A CARE TAKER.” But when push comes to shove they’re no where to be found. A READING FOR MY UNDER APPRECIATED MOTHER FUCKERS SO YOU KNOW HOW LOVED AND VALUED YOU AREEEE.

(I know most of you are mystics who wish to be the most esoteric babe in the mystic forest, who has to work a 9-5 so this is for youu)

Pick a meme

The cards

Nine of Wands (Reversed) 🧸

Yesod, Lord of Great Strength, Moon in Sagittarius, 10°–20°. Angels Yirthiel and Sahiah

You are putting something off in so you can help others. Something is being delayed. You are intentionally abstaining from something which in turn is causing you to spiral. Maybe your ass is working the rush shift everyday and your coworkers are assholes and you cannot bare to leave that anxious toxic ass mess. However, you owe it to yourself to find a better environment. People don’t leave because the security of which is offered but are you actually secure or are you comfortable in your mistreatment?

find people who will do better and will work with you and match your energy.

Futility 🪒

Moon 3. In Aquarius, Netzach in Air, seven of swords

The seventh suit. A notably unlucky suit. You have been backed into a corner and you need to get your way out. Now this isn’t a gun fight its a fight of wits. You need to use your cleverness to escape. Honestly, maybe a toxic friend or person you know led you down a dark path? Maybe you got love bombed so hard and led with the promise of love and compromise you fell so hard and breaking every bone on the way down. Be safe. Get out of there

Back rooms level RUN!

Fortitude (Reversed) 🫁

Daughter of the Flaming Sword, Teth, Serpent

Damn bitch you gave so much of yourself you became ill and have been weakened SEVERELY. You are also getting resentful which is hard. Like you said you were this strong ass bitch who could do anything. So you did everything and now you have egg on your face. Some athletes get trained so hard and so extreme they die. You’ve been giving so much mentally and emotionally you weakened yourself. You wouldn’t workout till death why would you give so much till failure?

Make room for yourself and forgive yourself.

The Star 💫

Jupiter in Aquarius, Chokmah to Tiphareth, Air

Its the hope that guides us all. You have such a deep well of love in that little heart of yours. The way its telling you to go is the right one. However, an off putting aspect is there may be part of the code thats got a bug, which makes your hopeful manifestations plagued by illusions. Live in the moment. Be confident of nature and your gut. Somethings may not be clear now but day by day and little by little you will find out more and more.

Take care of yourself and protect your peace

Extras:

Story/vent: once again athlete student life os difficult and I am shoving this reading in so that I can feel productive. Plus I love yo do it!

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#suitlifeofgerm #askgerm #pick a card #daily card #pick a picture #magic #shadow work #pac #tarotoftheday #germ reads #tarot #daily tarot #divination #cartomancy #beginner witch #witch #baby witch #tarotblr #tarot community #tarot commissions

[auromelt]

since all four are played by idols, who among fujio tsukasa ryo and kohei do you think can sing and who can’t

oh i like this question 👁️ i’ve thought about it before, when the four of them released that ost (which btw is gunning for my soty on spotify wrapped). the actors are all such great singers it makes me feel a bit crazy that we’ll probably never get another song from them together 😒 but anyways onto the question! and i’m gonna add a little bit of karaoke headcanon because i’m mentally ill and i can’t stop thinking about it now.

can sing: ryo, tsukasa

can’t sing: fujio

will not ever sing unless for ryo: kohei

all four actors sing very well btw, so this next part purely refers to the characters. just a disclaimer. i spent some time on godforsaken nct stan twt the ppl there are literally insane.

headcanons

let’s imagine them in a karaoke setting. somehow all four of them ended up in a room together and no fights have erupted. here they’re just friends and not enemies where one side tried to kidnap and murder the other.

this will be a bit shippy because well… hehe :3 if you don’t wanna see that just stop reading at the part about the bill

fujio’s the first to grab the mic and he sqwaks into it. his lack of talent is absolutely incredible. tsukasa’s ears actually bleed a little.

like if anyone’s watched kaguya-sama love is war, it’s like shirogane trying to sing. he simply shouldn’t.

i imagine like… an akb song playing or something. or maybe like yoasobi and LiSA. but whoever it is, fujio is ruining the prestige of their musical careers by singing their songs.

but he’s having so much fun that nobody actually has the heart to stop him and he thinks he sounds great.

“nobody” until kohei snaps and grabs the mic and shoves it into ryo’s hands instead, instead of telling fujio he literally sucks, he just accuses him of hogging the mic and says it’s ryo’s turn

fujio pulls out the second mic and is like great suzaki lets duet 🤩 and tsukasa’s like erm no. and snatches the mic away and tsukasa and ryo do a duet which actually sounds pretty great

fujio: “you guys are just okay i guess :/” amagai: “you’re literally delusional”

anyways back to tsukasa and ryo, they sound incredible alone and together, it’s literally like listening to a live concert. fujio’s always known tsukasa can sing so he’s not surprised but this is all of their first times hearing ryo sing and who knew he possessed pipes like that. kohei might have to nepo him into a singing career at the end of the session

one song later and ryo’s trying to pass kohei the mic and kohei's like hell no. he already had no plans to sing but going after tsukasa and ryo is basically like trying to kill his own pride. he urges ryo to go ahead and tells him he liked hearing ryo sing, which makes ryo blush and tsukasa roll his eyes.

after a few songs, since they’re fair, they let fujio back on the mic before he can start sulking over it. back to torture. kohei walks out for “air” but really he’s just sick of hearing fujio’s voice

meanwhile, ryo seems to be the only person to not realise fujio can’t sing and he enjoys singing with fujio so they do a duet with the two microphones they were provided and fujio is delighted. he decides ryo has to be his karaoke buddy from now on because he’s “finally found someone who appreciates his talent and real music”

kohei ends up with the bill even though he didn’t even sing once and tsukasa and fujio leave immediately like peace out have fun settling that

szam part :3 (separated bc i feel nice today. don’t get used to it. szam are soulmates in my head.)

first, whether they’re dating or not is completely up to u, but there are definitely feelings involved 🙏

since fujio and tsukasa dipped, kohei and ryo are alone now and kohei’s like goddamn they’re finally gone and he drags ryo back to the room and extends their session another 45 minutes and tosses the mic to ryo like okay sing for me

kohei picks out all the songs from the machine that he wants ryo to sing for him and ryo does without a complaint, happy that kohei likes his voice, even if he’s a little shy with kohei’s gaze fixated on him while he sings and there are no more other people to lessen the intensity of the atmosphere

kohei makes sure ryo drinks enough water so his throat doesn’t shrivel up from all the singing and he kinda feels like a manager of a top idol which is not a pleasant feeling because in what world would he ever have to take orders from anyone? but it’s ryo so he just finds it kinda cute instead.

when the final song comes on, it’s a duet and ryo hesitates a little before offering kohei the other mic and looking at him with pleading eyes and kohei cant say no to those eyes or ryo’s hopeful expression. he takes the mic and joins ryo for the duet

kohei’s voice is mid. he’s not awful like fujio but he’s not good like ryo and tsukasa it’s just extremely mid. but because ryo is a bum loser who is in love with him, kohei sounds amazing to him and they finish the duet together with ryo beaming at him and kohei just smiling back, both fond and exasperated.

did i ever mention that kohei is like completely incapable of denying ryo anything in the auromelt cinematic universe? because he can’t

kohei makes ryo promise he’ll go with kohei to a studio he plans to rent and record some songs so kohei can add them to his playlist and he Would offer to make ryo an industry plant in the music industry as well but he doesn’t because he can’t imagine ryo getting fans and him having to share ryo’s attention

anyways big tl;dr ryo is unexpectedly the best singer of the four followed closely by tsukasa and then there’s a wall and then it’s kohei and then there’s 6 more walls and behind them is fujio. on that note, fujio and ryo are now karaoke buddies who go every 3 weeks or so. kohei always joins them just to listen to ryo, but he only sings when no one else but ryo is around.

#high & low #high&low #suzaki ryo #high & low the worst x #high&low the worst x #amagai kohei #amazaki #suzaama #🦙 anons #takajo tsukasa #hanaoka fujio

[voidsumbrella]

@yumantimatter @evangelifloss

the tea party was super fun (im probably going to post my ch2 ~thoughts all in bulk when i reach the end since i didn't... have a whole lot to say about the date scenes tbh ^^;;; )

im running into a bit of a block re: theories because 1) idt ch1 gave me enough information on the specifics of the crime scenes, and 2) we haven't brought up my two major mental sticking points at all:

if pretty much everyone has motivation, why are we assuming there is only one killer?

if we're assuming there is only one killer, why were we so quick to rule out there being a 19th human?

elaboration on that latter one under the cut

the ushiromiyas are rich and got rich by being huge shitheads, there's no shortage for motivations outside of the family; covering their tracks by making this into an ~occult horror story~+ playing into beatrice's legend is maybe overly flashy, but not overwhelmingly out there. rokkenjima's small, but it isn't that small, and it's heavily forested; someone shows up via rowboat a day or so prior, camps out in the woods, then day of heads in through the boiler room or something- we've already stated they've been lax about security until pretty recently, and that there are a whole bunch of master keys floating around for the servants, and boom, you have an unknown factor.

with the exception of natsuhi and kanon we don't actually know the cause of death for anyone at all.

the first six were stated to have been disfigured after death and would have only needed to have been killed in literally any other way and hit with a weedwhacker or some shit over the course of 6 hours

eva and hideyoshi were barely examined, and you could easily fake the stake thing with a nonpowered hand drill and a large bit after killing them with another method. none of the survivors checked anything other than the bodies, briefly- if there were literally any human-sized hiding spots in the room, the killer could have just hidden until they left.

the receipt re: kinzo could have been noticed by whoever else entered and replaced after luring him out by pretending to be (for the sake of the idea that this is a normal human) beatrice; his body was burned, we have no clue what killed him.

nanjo/genji/kumasawa weren't examined at all

natsuhi was shot, and the description of her body was vague enough- iirc it was just "blood was running down her forehead"- to rule out the kids (who were already fucking panicking) misreading what happened

assuming kanon's perspective was accurate his death throws things for a loop a bit, since we know for a fact he was stabbed with the stake, but we're already doing implausible gun customization [how in the hell do you modify a double barreled rifle that takes 30x30 rounds to shoot one revolver bullet? if this gets explained please dont tell me], maybe they had an air powered launcher or some shit.

the kids aren't explained at all

like none of this is outside the realm of human possibility for a showstopping mystery performance, and aside from narrative convenience idk why we ruled it out!

playing within the established rules- it needs to either be one of the 18 or a witch- i have no real theories aside from it maybe being multiple members of the party cannibalizing each other, bc i do think its implausible for any one person to have killed all of the other 17 given what we presently know.

anyway, im assuming we'll be getting more and different information in round 2, so ill keep yall posted on my thoughts!

#real life mango #umineko #caveat that my memory isnt spotless and i mostly screencapped what was funny #which means im probably missing some major points #but this is spitballing anyway so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[septembersghost]

i started watching bcs when it first aired but stopped when i got to season 5 because life got busy for me. i started watching again this year because i relapsed in my addiction and my mental health is literally is shambles and i found your blog and kimwexlersstrap and laloslayamanca's and it was a distraction from m pain to read your posts and memes and such so i started watching again to read your live blogging and feel a part of it even though i never post anything. now that i finished im like ok what do i distract myself with lol i feel so stupid and empty it's insane how something like a tv show is the only thing holding someone together

🥺 anon i am holding you tightly in a hug right now (@kimwexlersstrap @laloslayamanca i hope you both see this too 💗)

did you read what i linked from the sub in my post yesterday? if you didn't, i want to copy the text for you here, okay?

I just wanted to make this post because I was thinking about how very soon better call Saul will be over. And I know for a lot of addicts, and people who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, the ending of a tv show can be a huge trigger.

For some of us, the idea that another season of a show is coming out is a reason to stick around for another year. Sometimes it can feel like the only reason.

So I just wanted to make this post to remind those people to stay strong. There are always more shows, works of art and other aspects of life to fall in love with and provide us with passion. I know that these passions can sometimes be what keeps us alive. And regardless of all that, it does get better and recovery is never too far out of reach.

While Better Call Saul may end, life goes on. This show will always be in our hearts and we’re gonna be okay even after it ends.

I’m so glad we all got to connect over our passion for this phenomenal work of art. Much love to all of you and stay safe <3 (x)

reading that spoke closely to me, as someone who also very much stays alive for art. bcs has been such a dear and vital anchor for me for years. i've written about this in the past, but as someone chronically ill/disabled and homebound (entirely since dec. 2019), stories and music are my absolute lifelines and my connections to the outside world, and being here on tumblr is my window to it and the way i'm able to express it and reach other people. it is not stupid, ever, and it is not empty, it's vast. it's no small thing, it is profoundly important and real. they're the things that quite literally have kept me alive and given me a light in dark times. i struggle with anxiety/depression/suicidal ideation going along with my chronic illness/pain conditions, and the reprieve i have is in the art i dearly love and am passionate about. maybe i over-invest because of this, but i find i'd rather care too much and at least have something to hold onto. whenever i'm hurting, those passions keep me here.

this year has been a hard struggle and full of fear for my mom and me, and having bcs to look forward to and bond over/discuss has been dear to us, we're both feeling its loss heavily today.

when something ends, there is always a sadness. it's never silly to feel the depth of that grief, we need the time and the room to process that. it hits especially hard when it's something that's helped keep us going. nothing you're feeling is wrong, and i hope you know you're not alone at all.

i'm very happy you rediscovered the show and joined us here! even if you don't post anything, i promise your presence is appreciated. this message itself means so much to me, and i'm glad you're here. i'm sending you love and any strength i can, please remember that you matter and know that my blog is here and my askbox is always open to you. 💙💙💙

#<333333 #we're in this together. we are. #anonymous #letterbox #bubble wrap around my heart #the consolation of imaginary things #better call saul

[ellavaday]

sparksnotes version of this hugaceo interview

instead of 36 this time it's 40 min and in a true show of mentally ill behavior i translated it (and then proceeded to not want to even look at the thing for a solid week because it's really hard to translate someone that doesn't like to talk in complete sentences and have it make sense, I'm still not sure I managed). Anyway. Here's the summary:

Instead of being sequestered in hotel rooms they had all of the dres1 girls in a giant house, each of them had their own rooms but they'd spend time together in the common areas which was kind of a godsent because they could vent and support each other on the most stressful times. They'd talk all their conspiracy theories about why production did what and not feel so alone.

There wasn't a lot of interaction with the judges away from the runway because production wanted the reactions to be genuine on camera when they saw them walk with their looks but it was cordial and they'd nod or say hello whenever possible.

all of the cast insisted on production not to do like they usually do in all the other versions in which the eliminated queens come for a second to the front and wave, they were like please let us walk on the runway because they all looked beautiful and wanted to show off

Hugaceo's family is from a town in Madrid and they and their boyfriend just recently moved back to the city but ofc won't stop visiting Valencia. They in fact visited it little ago because a casal faller made a ninot inspired by hugaceo's hometown look. More on that here and here bc i don't feel like writing about it again

To prepare for the show they started designing looks and sketch ideas hoping that they'd work for whenever they got the list of looks and they're friends with Choriza who gave them the same advice Blu Hydrangea gave her which was to start with the looks they knew they'd need for sure: An entrance look because they can wear whatever they want, the finale look because all of the contestants are supposed to be in the final episode, 2 or 3 snatch game, the makeover and a couple of dance looks because there's always more than one dancing challenge ((speaking of Choriza, the same interviewer has another interview with her and apparently she was talking with both the production of DRES and UK3 to be cast but UK3 started filming first which is why she is on that season))

The first season of the Spanish version of the show was a bit chaotic to make because they had no presedent on how things had to be done but they think it gave the show certain freshness that is probably not as apparent in other versions and it was done ridiculously fast. The show was announced in November, casting closed by December and in February it was announced to have finished production (i am sorry there's not enough i could say about how truly insane that production schedule is, the MtQ were already out by March, that's literally nuts)

They can't confirm nor deny about the dres2 girls having more time to prepare this time around but they think that production has got to have fixed things that ofc couldn't have been issues they could prevent since nobody on production had worked with drag queens before. Dumb things like "hey you need to wear something you are capable to sit in for this challenge".

They talk about that moment on dres where they realize there's a few NBs in the cast and how cool it was. They mention that apparently people from the cast of UK1 wanted to talk about it too but it didn't get aired and about RuPaul not being immune to the passage of time and that maybe it's gotten him a while to open the show for people of other gender identities (trans women, a cis woman and a straight man) but he's getting there slowly but at least he did start. They hope we get to see drag kings sometime soon.

They're not looking down on people that join the show and can't sew because they can't either but they do think that there's a pattern in the last few years in which you kind of feel like the show is now really a competition on who spends the most money and works with the best designers and that you can tell which designers work with who and that everyone has started to look the same because they don't participate much in the design process of the clothes they wear for the show.

They also don't love that it's been normalized to spend a small fortune to go on the show. They're never going to get rid of the falla look because it's like a museum piece for them but what in the world would they do with it after the show? It's bulky and heavy and they love it but they also know they're never going to wear it again. This is in relation to Arantxa getting a lot (a lot) of online hate for her runways and drag aesthetic being called cheap ((guys i could go on and on about this, it was fucking intense, for a moment i did think Arantxa was going to go suicidal over how bad the hate was)).

They also talk about how a lot of people have a perception of drag solely informed by drag race and that it shows because as soon as you leave the beauty canons of the show, you're suddenly the absolute worst which is what happened to Arantxa and how unfair it was.

There's a bit of a controversy about why the production company that has the rights for dres didn't put the show on open broadcast but behind a subscription based streaming platform (since the production company owns two flagship open broadcast channels on tv here) and if Spain is actually ready for a drag show on open broadcast. Hugaceo thinks it might start controversy but that maybe it would have been worth it and both they and the interviewer hypothesize that maybe the freedom of not being in an open broadcast channel is what allowed the cast to talk so freely about the non binary identity experience unlike the UK1 gals on the BBC

During filming the cast would daydream about going on tour together when they were at the shared house, assuming the show did good enough and the fact that it happened? Amazing. They say they've been a bit overwhelmed by all the love they've gotten from the public and the tour doing so well they sold out the biggest concert venue of Madrid for their closing show still sounds made-up and that all the stress and lack of sleep were worth it.

Hugaceo usually describes their drag as being art and uses the expression "vaya cuadro" (lit. what a painting) as a slogan. In spanish from spain it's an expression that is usually used to express shock at someone looking slovenly or very out of the norm, but ofc they mean it more in the literal sense of being literally like a painting because for Hugaceo, drag is art first and foremost.

Hugaceo was the subject of a painting for the 2021 edition of the Madrid Contemporary Art Fair. The name of the painting is Echinosis by Jean Carlos Puerto and it was supposed to be exhibited before the plague but it got postponed because. You know. Plague. They talk about how they met the artist in Miami and became friends because Hugaceo and him were both exhibiting art pieces and Hugaceo decided to go one day in full drag just because.

Their dad's from Argentina so they get specially happy when the Argentinian fans talk to them. Gigi wrote to them and a few other dres1 girls to say "welcome to the drag race family" and raja has told them to come visit them in LA.

Hugaceo says that apparently they're a bit too intimidating so they've not been bothered by fans flirting with them (or by fans in general actually). They say the fandom in general has been very decent to them. They did think it was hilarious that there's aranceo fanfiction but it's like amusing more than anything else because it reminds them of 1D fanfiction they saw on tumblr.

They absolutely singled out a HS AU fanfiction, which, whoever wrote it, please don't fret lol, they thought it was all rather sweet.

Hugaceo doesn't know why they're only taking Carmen to DragCon from the entire cast and they're not a fan lmao. They feel like their season is treated a bit like the ugly stepchild because it's the only one in which RuPaul hasn't even showed up on video despite being one of the best rated seasons by the fans.

Now that Hugaceo's moved back to Madrid, they're planning on retaking plastic arts and they're working on more than a couple of projects with Arantxa and says that they love working together and that the public and employers love them working together as well. The interviewer calls them the team rocket and Hugaceo agrees lmao.

They'd rather die than release music and for a good reason i love hugaceo's but their singing is terrible but they might if only bc they would love to direct their own music video so never say never. They've been in music videos of various other people's but not their own. They've been in one of Lola Indigo's, one of Choriza's and one of Monica Naranjo's. The interviewer asks them about the experience of working with Monica Naranjo bc she is a spanish gay icon and she talks about it being great (and a bit of luck, because they're friends with javier visori, the fashion designer that was the stylist of that music video and the S1 cast tour was in town at the same time the music video was shooting, the same fashion designer was the main designer they worked with to make looks for the show).

#rpdr spain #drag race espana #drag race españa #hugaceo crujiente

[keilemlucent]

if you are interested, i would like to present my dear salem with hero hawks and his little horny crush on his innocent assistant bc man’s corruption kink go brrrrrr😇

okay look LOOK i have... such a thing for hawks getting a h*rd on for his sweet, far-too kind PA.

(NSFW)

word count: 2.5k

warnings: dubcon, coersion, (a little bit of) yandere hawks, reader wears lingerie, reader is sorta oblivious,  sugar daddy hawks, scumbag hawks, power imbalance, hawks is a manipulative bastard but its hot so who cares <3

...

“Are you sure this is... appropriate, sir?” 

No, no, definitely not, not at all. Taking his sweet, desperately-in-need-of-a-break PA out on a little shopping spree was definitely crossing a lot of professional lines, but how could he care? He was far more focused on the wobbly way ‘sir’ had dripped off your tongue.

It wasn’t sin, but he’d get you there, he was quite persuasive. 

The little shopping trip (literally) landed you at a luxury mall across Fukuoka, many-floored and lavishing decorated with twinkling, bright bulbs and crystal on every fixture. The stores were expensive, too expensive for you to afford on your own but Keigo knew how hard you’d been working! All that extra paperwork (he’d been purposefully giving you because it kept you around the office later and more often) had been getting done beautifully, and you deserved a treat. Many of them. 

Consider it an early bonus.

You already had quite a few bags dangling off your arms, the cords and ribbons digging into your arms (god, he wished he could make some marks of his own--). And Keigo had decided to treat you to one, final stop. He guided you to the store entrance with a hand on your lower back.

God help you, a lingerie store.

Nothing cheap, only custom-made and designer pieces. It was more of a boutique, some places private where no one would bother the two of you. 

He watched your expression, the pull of your brows and the way your pupils dilated. It might’ve been from a bit of ill-placed stress, but he’s sure he can get your eyes just as inky other ways, if given the opportunity. 

“This is remarkably appropriate, dove,” He hummed and ushered you inside the store entrance, flashing a grin to the starry-eyed salesclerk. His hand drifted downward, just over the upper curves of your ass, just to watch you squirm. “Consider it a reward! You’ve been doing so much good for me and the agency, you deserve a treat or two, don’t you think?”

You shifted the bags on your arms and dared to meet his gaze with your own, meek and wide, “I-I think this is more than ‘a treat or two’--”

“Then shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, thanking me for my generosity then?” Keigo smirked as your expression faltered. You were way too easy and god, he fucking loved it.

Before you had a chance to fret anymore, he assured you quietly that everything was alright. A bit of praise to ice the pinpricks he left behind. He shooed you into the fitting rooms, pointing a beaming smile at a clerk and getting to work. 

He’d have you spoiled, whether you liked it or not.

...

You sat on the plush bench of the fitting room, hands in fist and lip tucked between your teeth. You chewed on it, swallowing around your dry throat. Hawks’ voice drifted back from the salesfloor, though you couldn’t tell what he was saying. You could pick up words like ‘sweet’ and ‘cute’ and you could only assume the words were about the bright-eyed, big-titted employee you saw when you walked in.

You squeeze the fabric of your skirt and tried to let some of the tension in your shoulders dissipate. 

“Oh, wow, dove, the selection they have here is amazing!” Hawks whistled as he returned to the fitting room, alone, carrying an armful of padded, velvet hangers. 

“I can imagine,” You wished you could have looked around a bit yourself, but Hawks had a much better eye for these things than you did. You were very fortunate to have him around. 

He arranged them on a gold railing nearby, wings tucked to his back as to not crowd the small space of the dressing room.

It was truly just a single room, though it was large enough. Six-sided, each wall complete with a well-padded, velvet bench seat to idle on. The middle of the room had a little raised platform, leading to three, angled mirrors. They were massive and felt a bit too revealing as Hawks hummed to himself nearby.

The only thing separating you from the rest of the store was a heavy, velvet draping. 

Hawks plopped onto the cushion next to you, letting out a deep sigh and leaning back. You watched him, gaze flickering from the garments on the rack and the exposed patch of his chest visible from the unpopped buttons of his shirt. 

His feathers brushed up against your arm and you shuddered.

“Now, sweet thing,” He clicked his tongue, jerking his gaze to the hangers. “I picked out some pretty sweet pieces for you. Why don’t you try them on and let me know what you think, hm?”

You nodded, though your stomach felt like there was suddenly lead in it. From the looks of the lace and silks, those pieces weren't going to cover much of anything. You mentally sparred with yourself.

It’s not... that bad. It’s not like he’s going to see anything more than he would if you were wearing a swimsuit. 

Besides, this a gift, right? You should at least show him what he’d paid for on an actual body. 

He had you so well-trained--

You stood, moving to the rack on shaking legs and examining the pieces.

They’re all... a bit whorish. None of those soft babydolls and teddies that folks wore in those softcore pornos that you definitely never watched. The pieces Hawks picked for you aren’t the least bit modest. They’re all lace, mesh, and ribbons. Stockings and garters that looked like they might be a tich too snug. You grab the least garish-looking piece. 

And Hawks was still in the room, body lax and slumped against the cushions.

His eyes lazily opened, a bushy brow-raising, “You good, dove?” 

“... Aren’t you gonna step out?” 

He chuckled and you knew you were fucked. Just not literally, not yet. 

“Why the hell would I do that?” Hawks laughed and righted himself. His vibrant gold eyes bore into yours, though they looked more black than topaz by that point. 

You swallowed. 

“I would prefer if you d-did.”

“And if I don’t?” His voice oozed something that made your knees weak. “What then? I know you don’t like disappointing me.”

You didn’t, but this was a bit far. ‘A bit’. 

“... s-sir, please,” You begged, albeit quietly. 

This was crossing lines. As much as Hawks gave you special treatment at the agency, literally and figuratively taking you under his wing and tending to your needs as he saw them and has he saw fit, stripping and playing dress-up in expensive lingerie definitely was too far.

As much as part of you adored the attention, you tried to keep that quiet. Stuffed down and hidden. Hawks was your boss, and you had to keep yourself occupied with his busy schedule and mountains of paperwork, lest you allow yourself to dissolve into thinking his attentions were anything other than favoritism. 

Oh my god, you really were that dense

“’Please’?” Hawks cocked his head to the side, the corners of his lips curling. “‘Please’ what, dovey? Tell me.”

You let out a shaking breath, “Hawks, this is remarkably inappropriate--” 

“Maybe,” He cuts you off swiftly, a flap of his wings pushing him to his feet and directly in front of you. “You just need some help? That’s it?”

Your mouth went dry. He wasn’t wrong, not really. 

“That’s all, huh?” Hawks ran a hand through his hair, his wings curling around the room, too-wide and fluffed for the small space. “Should’ve just said something. I imagine you don’t do this kind of thing often.”

“N-no, I don’t.”

Does anyone? 

“That’s alright, I know you try your best and just need that extra push, hm?” Hawks sighed, deep in his chest. 

With the scarlet swallowing your peripheral vision, you feel like you’re suffocating. Maybe in a good way. You nodded, pliant.

He always knows you. What you want, what you crave, what you need. 

Nimble fingers untucked your blouse from your waist, and you yipped at the chill of his fingers. He was undeterred, loosening the garment and immediately going for the buttons.

One by one, they came undone and you wrap your arms tighter around your middle. Hawks ogled, openly and without a care. It made something in you writhe, but you still wanted more of it. His attention, overt affections that supposedly mean nothing-- you want it.

He slid the blouse from your shoulder, letting it fall to the ground. You watched as his feather shuddered, rippling as he let out a few harsh breaths. You knew how you must look, hot and flushed to the touch. Bare on your upper half, sans a cheap bra that had seen better. 

“Are you sure--” You weren’t sure what you were going to ask, but Hawks didn’t let you say it besides.

“Yes, of course, obviously,’” He licked his goddamn lips. A taloned-finger caught the pilling strap of your bra, snapping it against your shoulder. “Besides, look at this! Can’t have you representing the agency, me, and my brand wearing shit like this.”

Something burned in your gut, some mix of shame and arousal that was threatening to spill from the wet corners of your eyes. 

Hawks dropped to his knees, so fast you hardly could register it. His hands hooked in your skirt by the first two knuckles and tugged and he went down. The sound of splitting fabric cracked in the air, and your skirt fell to the floor in tatters.

And Hawks, the fucker, hovered just inches away from your covered cunt. The cheap cotton of your panties did nothing to shield you from the hot breath that he fanned over you.

“H-Hawks!” You cried out, attempting to push at his shoulders with sweaty palms. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“Just taking a closer look,” He gave you no time to protest as those quick fingers of his pulled the elastic of your panties, tugging them down your thighs. He had the decency to tap your ankles, one at a time, so you could step out of the garment. “You don’t mind, do you?”

You let him. 

Perhaps you should’ve protested a bit more. Maybe. But it wasn’t like this wasn’t your wildest fantasy. Your sweet, too-kind boss, spoiling you. You weren’t sure if you’d thought about Hawks that way at first, but he had gotten to you at some point. The impromptu lunches, the late nights together, the walks and flights home. There was even that one he’d managed to wrestle a guy getting too handsy at a club with (how had he known you’d even been there?)

Hawks unclipped your bra, throwing the thing to the side with a  look akin to disgust. He snatched the hanger and garment from your hand and nodded toward the platform.

“Stand over there like a good girl for me, okay? Don’t take your eyes off yourself.”

You couldn’t disobey him, could you?

You’d seen what he did to people who crossed him, when it really mattered. He didn’t put his heart or energy into something unless he really, actually cared. And the handful of times you’d seen that go to shit had left memories of sharpened feathers and terror-filled eyes in their wake.

But you were good for him. His assistant who always made sure his meetings lined up with his patrols, and that everything was brief unless entirely necessary otherwise. You were the one who made sure he had caffeine nearby and a full belly, even on his most busy of days. 

He’d never do anything other than be kind, right?

You didn’t want to find out otherwise. 

He approached you from behind, the silk of the garment tucked over his arm. His eyes looked predatory, gleaming and inky. 

He only stopped when his chest is flush to your back, hands finding their home just above your hips with a squeeze. You shuddered at the feeling, new and raw and you couldn’t tell if you hated or loved it. 

“I want to see how this looks on you, god,” Hawks groaned, nails biting into your skin. “Hold still for me, dove.”

You did.

You didn’t dare move an inch as Hawks took his sweet time dressing you up. The garment is silken straps, the lace wrapping around the curves of your hips and chest, securely with expert bows that he pats into place after each one.

It was impossible to ignore the bulge pressing into your ass. Even as he pulled the pair of panties between your cheeks, stroking the lace and the fat with a wide palm, you were far more focused on the heat and hardness slowly grinding at the other cheek.

He tied you up expertly, and you watched in the mirrors, seeing each angle of it. The way his hands squeezed and pulled at your flesh along the way. The hungry glint in his eyes as he traced your figure. The way his wings seemed to shake and flutter in tandem with your short, quick breaths.

You were truly at his mercy. 

“Look at that,” He whistled low, grabbing your jaw and pulling your gaze just where he’d like. “Tied up like a pretty present I told you this would be good, didn’t I?”

“Y-You did.”

Hawks sighed, draping himself over your shoulders and nuzzling into your neck. You could feel the part of his plush lips, the way they drag over your skin. You swore you a nip or two.

His gaze met yours in the mirror. One of his hands trailed low, very low, sliding over top of the lace panties and cupping your sex. His index fingers lazily traced your lips through the fabric, idle. His other went to grope your chest, more insistent as he palmed at you, pinching a nipple as you began to sputter. 

A warbled moan cracked from your lips as Hawks fingers dipped below the seams of the pretty garment, rubbing at just the rights parts of you, tugging your body flush to his. 

“W-Wait, Hawks!” You wrapped a hand around on his wrist, begging your breath to stay somewhat even. “What if someone hears? Or one of the employees comes back? What if--”

“Do you think I care?” Hawks groaned, grunting as he ground into your ass. The unmistakable sound of fabric tearing cut through the room (again) and the fabric of his pants hit the ground. And suddenly you could feel how hard and hot he was. 

Something twisted in your gut and your legs rubbed together. Hawks caught your gaze, scarlet enveloping the room from the sides of your vision and the mirror in front of you.

Hawks shifted your face toward his, nosing along your cheek. The grip on your jaw was replaced by one on your throat; he was hardly exerting any pressure but the threat and meaning were clear.

Keigo has you right where he wants you. He always has, always will. You’re just a bit too... naive? No, maybe dumb... That’s a bit mean, isn’t it?”

“You need this just as I do,” He spoke low and rolling, touch burning like embers. “You know you do. I know you do. You trust me, don’t know?”

All you could do was nod before Keigo slotted his lips to yours, staking a claim that was only new to you. He nipped at your bottom lip, tugged until you were wincing into his mouth. He caught every sound, every little gesture of yours was his, just like you were. Keigo kicked himself for waiting for this so long, but he could be ginger, under the right circumstances. Ones that benefited him. He could only hope you were as good of a fuck as you were fun to toy with. 

You’d be sin yet, Keigo resolved as he pulled away. He just had to coax you there first, and he wasn’t against more... direct methods.

Maybe you’d finally get it then.

#salem answers #tw dubcon #hawks x reader #hawks #takami keigo x reader #takami keigo #my hero academia #PLEASE mind the tags askdljfks #i've never posted anything like this on this blog so #enjoy💕 #honeykeigo

[darlington-v]

I know different interpretations of a work are generally enriching and cool... but c!dream villan interpretations is like how to tell me you only watch Tommy without saying you only watch tommy.... which would be fine but its not a great place to be making statements about the whole nature of the dsmp lol

Wild speculation, but sometimes I wonder if like, because the dsmp didn't really start as a narrative, and a lot of fans don't nessecarily enter it expecting a narrative, but then there is one and the fandom is really discourse heavy and everyone is sort of excpeted to have an opinion while maybe not expecting to form one from the begining or not having a ton of experience with narrative in a way that would "expect" them to have an opinion or not take things at face value??, I don't know if I explained that well at all... and I don't really even think thats right nessecarily... but like wow sometimes some of the takes about power and government and villany...

Honestly, it makes sense!!!

I think something interesting is like.... looking at how animatics have shaped the like tone and culture of the fandom essentially. Like, an interesting fact that I didn't really fully grasp until SUPER recently is like...

c!Wilbur out the gate admits he is manipulating c!Tommy. Like his first youtube video on the Dream SMP he admits his goal is to manipulate c!Tommy and people like c!Tommy into helping him achieve a potion ("drug") empire to monopolize on potions because there were a lot of people on the server who like to min-max, which is to put all of your effort into this one specific skill essentially. so like... i know minecraft doesnt have a skill tree but if it did, it would be putting all your points into that one specific branch of a skill tree. So he wanted to exploit the labor of all the TommyInnits to.... maintain a Potion Empire.

THIS IS A LONG POST BC I GOT CARRIED AWAY SO BUCKLE UP

And I don't think a lot of the fandom who joined later on knows this. I certainly didn't until like a week or so ago? Like... I knew c!Wilbur had been manipulative from the start because I'm a mod of (shameless self promo incoming) @dsmpanalysis and we have a lot of different POVs in that mod team and discord and we talk about it really frequently. I joined the fandom as someone who was really big on L'manburg ESPECIALLY crimeboys, and have turned into.... *gestures vaguely to my blog*

And ngl I owe a lot of it to @1-michibiki-1 in terms of c!Dream "Apologism" but all of the mods there have expanded my thoughts and views on the storylines of this narrative.

My application consisted of like largely essays about like... how I think Dream was the villain but he was meant to be the villain because you don't get any insight into his character WHICH.... IS A FAIR ASSUMPTION AT FIRST GLANCE. People are easily villainized when you cannot get a glimpse into their thought process. It's easy to dwindle someone down into this flat character and starting out I knew Dream didn't stream the SMP on purpose.

And I personally came to the conclusion of "Oh! So Dream is supposed to be the villain." However as the story continued and I learned more about what Dream went through I began to realize that... it's more than likely a form of a red herring. My opinions on this were immediately solidified when I watched Ranboo's 2 MIL stream because both Ranboo AND Dream agree on enjoying red herrings.

There have been MANY times were Dream has said that c!Dream is a complex character and he's not a wholly evil guy and there have been times where the narrative has honestly just proved that.

Anyways, what's important though was that... I learned most of this from other people who were more focused on c!Dream rather than myself. Eventually I shifted from c!Tommy to c!Ranboo and c!Techno after c!Tommy betrayed c!Techno and I began to realize.... everything I learned before hopping in wasn't exactly what it seemed.

Part of this is because I'm older, I heavily identify with c!Techno's sense of loyalty and philosophies on government, but I especially identify with the anguish c!Techno voiced in... a lot of lore but especially the lore around Doomsday.

I'm not 16 anymore. I don't always feel wronged by adults, or older people in my case, whenever they absolutely have done something wrong by me, but I do feel wronged by my close friends. I also felt like c!Tommy's sense of loyalty didn't line up with mine after what felt like him constantly flip-flopping and refusing to understand c!Techno's morals on government didn't line up with his.

In short, it was easier to identify with Tommy in these animatics versus in the actual stream content because c!Tommy is played by a 16 year old. I'm not a teenager and my line of thinking doesn't entirely line up with people that age anymore. It's harder to place myself in the same shoes of someone's OC who is played closer to their actual age, because I'm not that age.

Regardless, I was still on the c!Dream is a villain train. I wasn't ever like... c!Dream is repulsive I hate him, but I was like omg hot villain lad go brrr.

Even when the first like... mellohi, panic room, Ranboo lore stream popped up I thought "Oh! c!Ranboo corruption arc?"

And I was excited because I really wanted this shy, nervous character to turn into villain buddies with his good pal c!Dream. I'm a total sucker for villains and corruption arcs and all that good shit.

SO I STARTED GETTING REALLY INTERESTED IN ENDERSMILE. I'VE BEEN ON ENDERSMILE SQUAD OUT THE GATE. NOT THE SAME WAY I AM NOW, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED THEM TO TEAM UP.

So... upon not really keeping up with c!Dream and being relatively??? indifferent? I don't think I started arguments on c!Dream back then, but I might have. But I remember like... starting to participate more whenever c!Dream came up and looking more into Dream's character BUT ESPECIALLY TALKING WITH OUR SERVER'S C!DREAM SPECIALIST MICHI ABOUT DREAM A LOT MORE.

And because Michi has been a watcher since day one and was a DTeam fan rather than a SBI fan, she was able to provide me with more information on how the server worked pre-Tommy but especially pre-Wilbur.

Now, you could definitely argue well Michi probably has clear bias but it made sense to me when I looked back on how the storyline had been constructed and was going along, and everyone in the server talks a lot about our own biases and how we want people to maybe not lean so hard on them. Michi would also provide like anecdotes on what had happened and I'm sure links were probably provided at one point but the point was I felt like Michi had no reason to lie or manipulate how the story was told and if she did, eventually someone would have pointed it out because... Group of like... right now it's around 20 or more analysts but I don't remember how many at the time there were. POINT BEING, WE'VE ALL GOT POINTS TO PROVE AND IN MY EXPERIENCE NOT MANY OF US HAVE BEEN SHY TO PROVE THEM.

So if anyone ever had any differing opinions they would be talked about and we literally had and still have discussions.

REGARDLESS.... I DIDN'T FACT CHECK IN DEPTH BECAUSE I THOUGHT PEER REVIEW WAS ENOUGH WHEN YOU HAVE LIKE HOURS UPON HOURS OF STREAMS TO WATCH.

Anyways. Eventually I started paying closer attention and looking more into c!Dream lore but only recently have I started to triple check before speaking about c!Wilbur lore because I know everyone has biases and while I did trust everyone's thoughts and analysis in the discord, whenever I make essays I typically like it to be largely air tight and if theres a mistake, I want it to be because I forgot not because I just trusted what was said. Plus, I wanted to get down to the specifics of how Wilbur had always started with manipulation on the mind.

SO I WATCHED HIS FIRST VIDEO ON THE DREAM SMP.

AND WHAT I WAS NOT BY ANY MEANS EXPECTING WAS WILBUR TO SAY WORD FOR WORD, VERBATIM,

"SO WHY DON'T I START AN INDUSTRY WHERE I USE THE TOMMYINNITS OF THE WORLD TO WORK FOR ME, TO CREATE THINGS THAT THE MIN-MAXERS OF THE WORLD WILL WANT."

Like... this is in no way an attempt to like hardcore villainize c!Wilbur like everyone does Dream, it's just more so to like REALLY outline how far off a lot of fandom interpretation of c!Wilbur is....

Because of SBI focused animatics.

Now, when I joined I watched A LOT of animatics that really highlighted like... Wilbur being this self-loathing JD-esque, "I destroyed it because I had to because the world was against me because no one loved us, Tommy" type of character. At least... that's what it came across as.

And it definitely highlighted the fact that Tommy was a victim, which he is. He is undoubtedly a victim and no not even any dream apologist can change my mind otherwise. Tommy, despite being an instigator sometimes, didn't deserve the abuse he received.

But these animatics never shown the fact that c!Wilbur started L'manburg as a shady ploy to exploit people like c!Tommy and vilify c!Dream so he could have power.

And that was easy because Dream and Tommy had wars before. They had spars and pranks and here's the plan to take back my disks and here's the plan to out smart the thieving little child etc etc.

And all of the animatics I watched never mentioned this. Neither did the recaps though. The recaps gave the events flat out, there didn't sound like there was bias, and honestly I don't really know if there was rather than like... a lack of nuance. And it's hard to provide a recap with that much nuance in a short period of time for a youtube video, to be perfectly fair.

However, this creates a perfect formula for entirely rewriting the history of a server. c!Wilbur quite literally fucking succeeded TO A META LEVEL. He slandered and ran smear campaigns against Dream and like he even does that with Sapnap in the beginning. But what's crazy is that it transferred over into the meta! Most of this fandom understands Wilbur as a victim of mental illness, and yeah maybe? He definitely wasn't mentally well by the end of pogtopia, but he never started out with honorable intentions. L'manburg was never a victim, only its citizens. The TommyInnits of the world.

I just think it's like... such an interesting case study. Because this is like... an opinion like shared by at least half of the fandom, but the vilifying of c!Dream is shared by MOST of the fandom I would argue. Which is like even more crazy for me because that was c!Wilbur's goal!!!

LIKE I GO INSANE WHEN I THINK OF THIS BECAUSE HIS REACH IS JUST TOO POWERFUL. HE'S NOT EVEN ENTIRELY REAL, JUST A MANIPULATIVE PERSONA OF SOME BRITISH GUY.

And I mean... maybe people who have watched Wilbur's video on the SMP still maintain this idea that Wilbur wasn't always the bad guy, but honestly... I wouldn't be surprised if their introduction was still an animatic. Like bias is hard to check and I'm not going to lie I could have sworn I watched both Wilbur's AND Tommy's video on the SMP in the beginning and yet I STILL was a ride or die for tragic yet on some level still honorable Wilbur and a resilient Tommy.

Like... upon watching Wilbur's first video... possibly again I was surprised because I thought I did watch it like right before I even started watching the streams and yet I was still so invested in c!Wilbur as this tortured anti-hero.

It took 6 months of... not being in an echo chamber, full of multiple different people of different ages, different stream POVS, and people who joined the fandom at different points in time.

IDK IF THIS WAS EVEN ENTIRELY RELEVANT IT JUST FELT TANGENTIALLY RELEVANT AND THIS WAS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR A HOT MINUTE AFTER LIKE WATCHING WILBUR'S FIRST VIDEO AGAIN.

TLDR;

SBI CENTRIC ANIMATICS HAD A LASTING AFFECT ON THIS FANDOM AS IT'S HARD TO GO BACK AND ACTUALLY CHECK THE NARRATIVE FOR SOLID FACTS FOR YOUR OWN INTERPRETATION BASED ON THE FACT THAT THIS NARRATIVE SPANS OVER HUNDREDS OF HOURS WORTH OF TWITCH STREAMS.

#asks #anon #dream smp #dsmp #dsmp analysis #dream smp analysis #dsmp meta #dream smp meta #my analysis #long post

[yakocchi]

Tonight, Love Me Kindly and Cruelly (Collection Event) // Count

t/n: The idiom is literally “Candy and Whip”, which is equivalent to the use of “Carrots and Sticks”. “Carrots and Sticks”, as in the idiom that people use to describe when one uses both the promise of a benefit and a punishment to manipulate someone to do something. random ex: a person says that if you let them stay at your house for a while, they’ll buy you a new phone... but if you reject them, they say they’re going to set your car on fire. well carrots and sticks don’t make for a pretty mental image so I changed it. lol

In common ikevam fashion, this is a collection event to coincide with the release of Faust’s Main Route. imo the route is doing a better job at showing his chara positively than Will’s route, but..... faust was never my type to begin with so u know LOL but im only on like chapter 12-ish anyway so yea nothing really significant has happened

anyway, i am pleasantly surprised that the Count got to partake in this one!! it might seem like a really long time since the last Count appearance under the context of this blog, but that’s only really bc ive sat out on covering Count-involved events (namely the AU scenario event w/ a shared route with Leo and the “caring for a child” collection event). i don’t think they’re super bad or anything (i actually like the latter for treading newer ground on event topics for once)…. im just chillin. ive never been a very active blog regardless 

Spoilers under the cut!! Please credit if you take any of it, thenk u (･ω･*)

…

[Kara]: “ah-… Mn-…” In one of the rooms of the party venue— the air was stained obscenely by the breathless sighs of me and Count. With my arms pinned against the rippled sheets, my head grew lightheaded as he roughly kissed me over and over again. [Kara]: “nh- Why are…”

(Why has the Count become like this, I wonder? Until a little while ago, he was sweet and gentlemanly.)

Bewildered, I stared back at his golden irises, and a smile faintly seeped through his lips…

[Count]: “When I thought about you possibly being touched by those fingers, my blood ran cold. You do not mean to say that you do not understand my own feelings, I presume?” (‘Those fingers’…?)

…

I recalled something that had happened a few moments ago at the high society party we had been attending. I was conversing with one of the Count’s acquaintances when it happened:

[Gentleman]: “Oh, My Lady— Your exquisite ornament has shifted out of place, you know.” (Huh…?) Before I could fix it myself, the gentleman reached out his hand—

[Count]: “Indeed.” The Count, who had been standing next to me, hugged my shoulder with his arm as if to move me away from that hand. Then— [Count]: “How about this? Mhm, yes… Beautiful.” [Kara]: “Thank you, Count.” Of course, I also gave my thanks to the one who initially noticed it, but…

…

(Does he mean that time?) [Count]: “By the look on your face, it seems that you have finally realized it.” [Kara]: “Ah-…” Something resembling both sensuality and sharpness flashed within his eyes, and he firmly ripped the hair ornament off with a single swipe.

[Count]: “Well, then. I shall retrain this body— that the only thing that may touch you, are my fingers.” His fingertips trailed down my lips, my neck, my collarbones… before pulling down my dress, the fabric sliding off my breasts. Then, those very fingers touched the reddened peaks…

[Kara]: “-ngh, hah…. nh, ah-“ [Count]: “Do you make this same adorable reaction no matter who pinches you?” He pinched more forcefully, and my body leapt with a shudder. [Kara]: “ah-…! N-No, not, at all… Abel, please…” [Count]: “Really? I still have my doubts, given that your body so easily makes these dirty reactions...” While he played with my breasts, the fingertips of his other hand then slid inside the soaked part of me with a wet sound. [Kara]: “ahn… ngh, haah…”

[Count]: “I shall thoroughly train you, that the only thing that can bring you to ecstasy are these fingers. …And train you, all night.”

And just as he had proclaimed, indecent cries continued to fall from my lips throughout the night.

FIN

me thinking abt how this could’ve been the start to a veri sexi epilogue of a scenario event. next time, next time!!

this was kind of interesting bc the event actually places this one above leo’s (leo is the story before, which puts him at “4th place” out of 7 if we call arthur “1st”). this is weird bc even tho occasionally they’ll mess with story order not coinciding with character popularity if they feel that the story in question is more ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), but putting leo’s story that early is rly weird. leo’s story being given before even mozart is like…. wow someone’s not too proud of that story LOL ill be honest tho…. the leo story is pretty basic, past stories in the leo sexi man canon considered. well i get it – leo is not the type to take out his negative emotions onto others, which is more or less related to the theme of this event.

this collection event is only a week long, so im wondering if they have anything interesting lined up. man i hope so…… clearly they kno ppl who like the count exist bc they bothered to move his story up. but where’s the respect!! (jk… partly)

“You really do get a lovely look on your face when you’re with the other manse residents. …I am, just a touch, jealous. Tonight, let me have you all to myself.”

“(…) …I want you to like me very, very much, so I work hard to achieve that. Though it may appear otherwise, I’m desperate (to have such).” – Artbook-based Gacha Card

as always, thanks for reading!

#ikemen vampire #comte de saint germain #spoilers #ikevam #lol why does this site still have vocabulary f*lters how else am i supposed to write it

[bristlepaws]

HHRHHGH mumbled annoyances abt the bcb discord below the cut

idk if i should put this in the tag or not............idk, people will find it maybe, if they dont that may be for the best LOL

im gonna pull the constructive part out of the complaining so if all ur looking for is that, here:

- I’d like there to be more work done to keep people on-topic in the channels - Should really be separate channels for BCB-specific art and general art - Having a channel or a set of channels that’re for Adults to talk about the comic would be great (obviously no nsfw talk, but more mature themes are able to be discussed like mental illness, sexual harassment / assault, abuse, etc)

the next chunk is just me complaining, skip to the last section if you just wanna see What I’d Do Differently

i finally left the bcb discord today because Jesus Christ there is literally NO channel where people don’t spam shit i dont care about

started out following Every BCB-related channel, that turned out to be way too cluttered so i muted everything but the two bcb discussions channels, the bulletin channel, and the art channel

but people FREQUENTLY go off-topic in the bcb discussion channels. and also are like, weirdly inflammatory about what they say? honestly it just seems like a lot of people in the discord are Really Young, which is fine, but i wish there was a channel for like. adults to discuss the comic. because i get young people having an interest in it and im All For That, but it often led to a lot of really immature shit happening? and maybe the perpetrators of that weren’t young, maybe they were just immature

but like there’d regularly be shit posted in the discussion chat (for theories! and opinions! about the comic! which sounds great! until u go into it!) that was like.... “i’d love to just punch lucy” “mike can die in a fire” “david is the worst” etc. like .. i like, hearing people’s opinions, but, jesus? can we not like. talk about our opinions on different characters without resorting to That

plus people went off topic ssssooooo frequently, you’d start off in one channel talking about mike/lucy and all their problems and then it’d somehow switch to one person telling everyone else they were idiots for not seeing that lucy is garbage and THEN it’d switch to some random topic. 

even in The Place For Art people went off topic a LOT (one time i contributed to the conversation and that was the only time i saw anyone get called out for posting in the wrong channel, ironically, dkjgnfkjgndf MY BAD THO FOR ENCOURAGING IT)

not to mention people spam the “show me old art” command in the art room and like..... Blease. please go do that in the room that’s Specifically For Bot Commands

also i’d really like to see an art room for General Art and a room for BCB-specific art. im only there for the bcb art. specifically for the NEW bcb art. 

i guess my biggest frustration with it was just how often it Wasn’t about bcb, even tho bcb was all i was there for? idk it wouldve been nice to have discussions with people, but the few discussions i got involved in got WAY out of hand really quickly (with people zooming off topic or guilt-tripping others or saying characters should die). better organization of channels would also be nice. idk. 

back to semi-constructive: 

if i made my own bcb discord server (which i wont, because that’d be rude to the creators who put a bunch of time / effort into making this one), here’s how i’d do it:

Area for general topics, not related to BCB. - General (where Whatever can be talked about) - General Art - Bot room (bot commands used) - Meme room - Music room (song recs, playlists, maybe videos) - Maybe a room for discussing / recommending other comics. - Maybe a room /specifically/ for venting in bc people seem to like doing that 

Area for BCB specific topics. - General BCB (just talking about Whatever in relation to the comic, can even be shitposts/memes as long as they’re on-topic) - Page Update Room (nobody BUT the page updater can talk, that way people can have alerts to this on w/o getting clutter) - Discussion room (talking about the characters / the story, making sure to include in the rules that saying shit like “x character sucks” and “x character should die / get beat up” is not cool, as well as rules abt Being Nice To Vero) - BCB art room where candybooru posts are shared (as they’re uploaded) and people can share their bcb-specific art

Area for Real Adults (over 18 at least, maybe even pushing it to 21 & over) - General - BCB-specific discussion (can just talk about bcb in a place where There Aren’t Kids) - BCB-specific Extra Adult Discussion (talk specifically about mature topics like mental illness/etc)

and then i’d have mods that like regularly pushed people into the right channels or encourage everyone to keep each other in check. 

idk i think that’s it...... if i think of anything else to add i’ll do that,,, later

i might like. ask oliver if i can make an adults-only BCB channel (specifically banning nsfw art/talk tho) that’s more for like... discussion and such that is More Mature. maybe. idk. i’m gonna have time once im Out Of College

and a final disclaimer: im not Against kids liking the comics, im just in a very different place from people younger than me in like... how i view the topics. in fact im in a Very Different Place from me 3 years ago wanting to talk about the comic. so if ur young and you like the comic that’s fine! it’s good! i just want to be able to Also talk abt it with my peers

oh and another final disclaimer: i know Oliver is doing his best w/ like.. running this discord & keeping up with everything, it seems like A Lot. fully no shade intended here, i just wanted to like air my personal grievances with the discord. & i understand that a lot of my frustration is due to.... the type of people that post the most in the discord. which is why i’d vote for a Mature Area (god i sound pretentious saying that, im so sorry). 

#i should be studying but i got distracted #this got Long Sorry #also a lot of it is just me complaining & im aware that oliver and vero dont have like... time to do everything #and also that my desires for the discord are specific to me #so this isnt meant in any bad faith #just wanted to grumble about some parts of it #bcb ramblings #text #text wall

[pikapegasus]

let the years we’re here be kind

i've been a sad and emo lump for the last week and a half so i projected myself onto amy bc grieving isn't always for the dead and this happened asdfghjkl;

content warning for lots of mentions of mental illness and its effects and stuff. this is literally just. pure peraltiago angst. takes place between s4 and s5. title comes from "north" by sleeping at last

(also read on ao3)

The first time Amy walks through the front door of their apartment alone after Jake’s sent to prison, the rest of the squad is there.

 After Jake had been whisked away from them in the courtroom, with a wild panic in his eyes, Amy’s ears burned in that illogical way that meant someone was thinking or talking about you—except when she turned back to look at the others after a solid thirty seconds of staring at the closed door Jake and Rosa had just been taken through, she found herself to be the center of attention. 

 (Her eyes tried to put out the flames in her ears and cheeks, producing fat, heavy tears that started coming and wouldn’t stop coming, and still haven’t stopped coming.)

 So, she’s far from alone when she crosses the threshold, stopping at the shoe rack. Captain Holt hovers protectively behind her, and the skin on the back of her neck burns from the intense stare she knows he’s watching her with. She takes a few slow steps further into the apartment. 

 “Your shoes, girl,” Gina cuts through the silence, carefully and more gently than Amy’s ever heard from her before. 

 Amy stops again, but this time, she forces herself to turn around and meet the four stares locked on her. Terry and Charles had just shown up when they’d gotten to the apartment complex, with a fear in their eyes akin to Jake’s. 

 (It’s then that she thinks maybe the panic in his eyes hadn’t just been for himself, but for her, and how she, how they, could survive another separation, in this cruel, cruel universe that never fails to build a seemingly impenetrable wall between them at the most crucial times.)

 “Thank you for coming,” she says quietly, her voice shaky and broken, but she forces herself to proceed. “But you don’t need to stay. I’m fine.”

 Terry, Gina, and Charles all look to Captain Holt for some sort of response. When he doesn’t give an immediate one, Terry steps up. “We just—wanted to be with you.”

“I appreciate it,” she says, feeling a fresh set of tears well up, because her brain struggles to comprehend love sometimes, but the squad is always there for her, beyond the daily teasing and bickering. “But I think I—I want to be alone.” 

 “Santiago,” Captain Holt starts, but whatever words he’d had planned die on his lips. He pauses. “Amy. I’m…sorry we couldn’t stop this. But we’ll get them out.”

 “I know,” she whispers. A smile ghosts her lips briefly. “I know.”

 They leave her after that, murmuring well wishes and reassurances on their way out her door. She closes it softly behind them, slowly turning the lock into place. She allows her forehead to dip forward until its resting against the cold surface, just under the peep hole, as she releases a deep, full-body sigh that makes the shakiness in her legs painfully evident.

 (She doesn’t remember much of her night after that. She recalls flashes of hot tears and a strange conglomeration of fear and determination shaking her frame continuously. The copies of the paperwork from the case file she’d pored over just earlier that morning—somehow, within the same day as their separation, somehow, he’d been there just earlier—remain littered across the table after she falls asleep, the notion of fifteen years hanging over her head like a promise she hadn’t wanted to make, but was forced to.)

All eyes are on her again the next morning, at the precinct, when she rolls in just minutes before the hour, which one side of her brain screams is late while the other side screams back who cares, because it’s hard to distinguish what matters from what doesn’t right now. 

 All eyes follow her from the moment the elevator doors open to reveal her to the moment she forces herself to keep walking past Jake’s desk to get to her own, just beside it. She keeps her eyes trained determinedly to the ground, only shifting to focus on her own desk—but nothing further, because his desk is just right there above hers in her vision—when she sets her purse and coffee down. 

 All eyes remain on her until, finally, she looks up to meet them, and the only person who doesn’t look away is Gina, tapping her fingers against her desk in a strangely rhythmic fashion, just beside her phone, with the screen dark for once.

 “Hey, girl,” she says with as much of a smile Amy figures she can muster. “Love the pantsuit.”

 This is their routine, Amy thinks. Though it’s softer today, Gina’s still maintaining some semblance of normalcy, because anxious minds crave nothing more than a solid, structured routine to depend on when everything else goes off the rails. 

 And Gina knows this.

 So, Amy returns the tiny, broken smile, before settling into her desk without a word. After setting her purse down by her feet, she accidentally catches sight of Jake’s desk on her way back up, which prompts her gaze to travel to Rosa’s desk, then back to Jake’s, and then quickly back to her own, because they’re a case that she needs to solve right now—just like any other victims, just like any other case. 

 She opens their file against Hawkins that was left on her desk. 

  She’d started out so strong, so determined, but it only takes a week before she starts to notice the familiar cracks. 

 The last time this happened, when Jake and Captain Holt were just gone indefinitely and she felt the preexisting cracks in the foundation of her mind start to spider-web longer and deeper to the point of undoing the progress from a lifetime of therapy, she turned to Rosa. 

 Rosa, silent and deadly and vigilant Rosa, understood, with little to no explanation. She didn’t ask questions, she didn’t force Amy to talk, she was just there. She stayed by Amy’s side through the long nights, kept her organized when it seemed just short of impossible, and reminded her that there was still hope—there’s always hope, no matter how deeply its buried by the awful darkness of the world.

 But Rosa’s gone, too, and Amy feels selfish for grieving her imprisonment to the extent that she is, because she knows it’s hitting Gina hard, too—harder, naturally, because there’s always been something strangely intimate and close about Rosa and Gina, something that’s kept Amy and Jake awake at night exchanging dumb gossip under the covers of their bed, whispering as if they were at a middle school sleepover. 

 Her handwriting has started to falter on the few non-Hawkins related files she’s completed in the last couple of days. She’s been just exactly on time to work twice already, rather than early, because indecision wears her down every morning in nearly every step of her daily routine, usually leaving her staring at two different options for what to wear that day and her mind screaming something in protest about each one. 

 (Essentially, she’s been having an anxiety attack for the last three days, and she can’t decide whether to be concerned or upset or frustrated or unsympathetic or what.)

 In the end, though, no matter how she looks when shows up to work, Gina makes sure to greet her with a thinly veiled roast for whatever she’s wearing. 

 Gina’s the only one trying to treat her normally in the face of so much awfulness. Captain Holt looks one command away from just sending her home on some mandatory vacation time at nearly every time of day. Terry offered her one of his favorite yogurts—the kind he never shares. 

 Charles can barely look her in the eye.

 By week two, she nearly has the entire file on Hawkins memorized word for word. Even when she’s working on another case, she leaves the Hawkins file open on her desk, just off to the side, still in her peripheral vision, so she can glance over it in between the normal cases. At home, it stays spread out over the coffee table as it had been the day of Jake and Rosa’s sentencing, as if Amy can’t let it out of her sight. 

 (She sees the words when she closes her eyes every night, usually after two or three in the morning, because she can only sleep when her body’s exhaustion forces her to.)

 (She lets this slip to Terry on accident one day, and he looks at her with that expression of concern he always had ready to offer Jake when he’d do something reckless. 

 “You can take a nap on the break room couch, if you want,” he says, but then cringes at his own words. “Never mind, those are definitely contaminated. But I bet Holt would let you sleep on his couch.”

 And Captain Holt has done exactly that before, just weeks ago, when she and Jake had been too invested in the Hawkins case to go home and sleep, so Captain Holt forced them onto the tiny couch in his office and threw a blanket over them, ordering them to sleep.

 It’d been cramped, but comfortable. She felt safe—much safer than she does now.

 But the idea of sleeping there alone manifests itself in her mind as the image of standing over a vast canyon, completely alone, calling out to someone, but only getting a deep silence penetrated by your own echoes in reply. 

 So, she says, “No, thank you, I drank too much coffee this morning to sleep.”)

  Week three is when she finally hits the wall.

 She’d been able to visit Jake over the weekend—but not on her own. Charles demanded to come, too, and she couldn’t deny him that right, but, God, she wished she and Jake had more time. 

 Just a minute, or less, where she could wrap her arms around him and rest her head against his chest while the rest of the world around them evaporates into thin air. She’d shower him in “I love you”s and tiny kisses, the kind that make you blush as a child and giggle over as an adult. 

 But it’s not possible, and Jake looks so completely out of his element, that Amy barely even says anything during the visit, because she’s certain that if she opens her mouth, the only thing that will come out are loud, wet sobs and apologies because the last separation they’d gone through was supposed to be the last separation ever, but Jake had to be taken away again against the wills of everyone who mattered in their personal life. 

 Jake talks rapidly and passionately, like a child who’s been cooped up for far too long—Is that not what solitary confinement is? Amy’s cruel mind asks itself, because Jake’s sugar-coating everything, because that’s just who he is: a protector—and the visit passes slowly yet quickly, ending far too soon for anyone in their small group of three. 

 Before Jake can even touch her fingertips one last time, he’s being whisked away by the guard, and Amy’s back in that stupid courtroom with the stupid judge and their stupid, backstabbing witness and stupid Hawkins and Amy can’t do anything because she’s just so stupid and—

 Charles gently wraps his fingers around her upper arm, guiding her out of the room when her face betrays her feelings. He’s not Jake, but he’s family to Amy, too, so she settles for crying into his shoulder once they’ve reached the parking lot, her sobs cutting into the mournful silence that had settled between them for the past five minutes.

 “We’ll get him out, Amy,” he murmurs, tears of his own lacing his words. “And Rosa, too. We’ll get them out. We’re gonna get Hawkins.” 

 (And when some dumb Taylor Swift song comes on the radio in the car, Charles raises his hand to change it, but Amy shakes her head, despite the tears gathering in her eyes once again. He moves his hand to return it to its place on the steering wheel, but after a moment, moves it to the gear shift between them, where she laces her fingers in his, squeezing them with each deep breath she takes against the tears threatening to fall.)

  By week four, her hope is laughably absent, and she, simply, doesn’t care. 

 So, is it really surprising when her monthly therapy session ends with a referral to a psychiatrist that leads her to being prescribed to go back on her meds?

 Medications that entered her life in childhood, medications that she hasn’t needed since she was in college. And yet, just four weeks into this Jake-Rosa-Hawkins-prison mess, she’s regressed to a point in her life she hasn’t been at in over ten years. 

 When she’s finally back in the apartment, standing in the bathroom with the familiar bottles in her hands, she wants to laugh. 

 (Actually, she cries.)

 There are rules, of course, about her job and her mental health and how they work together.

 She wonders how she’s supposed to tell Captain Holt.

 (That’s what the doctor’s note is for, her rationality tries to remind her.)

 She wonders how she’s supposed to tell the others.

 (They love you, dummy, they won’t judge you, it speaks again.)

 She wonders how she’s supposed to tell Jake.

 (Well, a more cynical voice in her mind hijacks the conversation, he’s not here, is he? So, what does he have to do with it?)

 She takes the damn pills through her tears.

  Amy starts living her life behind a thin curtain of secrets, its tacky pattern constructed of “No, really, I’m fine”s and “I’m just tired from working the case”s and “I know we’ll get them out of prison!”s. She pulls it taught between herself and the squad every morning she walks into the precinct, only opening it and stepping out onto the cold tile of the bathroom when she’s back home at night. 

 Despite the medical intervention—which she knows will take its sweet, sweet time to set in—everything just feels a little worse every day that she wakes up to cold sheets. 

 She rations out his shirts and sweatshirts on a weekly basis, wearing only one per week when she misses him really badly at night, to preserve his presence through scent for as long as she can. She uses his shampoo, despite it making her hair rough and tangled and gross. She presses her face into the blanket he’d last used on their couch over a month ago—it’s been over a month!—pulling away when she feels tears press against the back of her eyes.

 One morning, everything just stops. 

 The thought of moving from the bed, where she’d left a sweatshirt and a shirt on Jake’s side the night prior to spoil herself, makes her feel sick to her stomach. She can’t stop shaking, and her breaths come in and out quickly, and the weight of everything just bears on her mind so mercilessly, she wills herself to hide under the covers with the two articles of Jake’s clothing she’d spoiled herself with. 

 (God, what was she thinking, wasting two pieces of his clothes? And now she’s dragged them under the covers with her, where her scent will dominate his instantly, and erase even more traces of him and his existence within this apartment, what was she thinking?)

 Tears come, or they don’t, Amy doesn’t really know, because one moment she’s here, the next she’s gone, but Jake’s absence remains abundantly clear throughout. Her fingers ghost over old scars on her thighs and she wishes he could just touch her again. 

 Time passes, she guesses, because eventually she hears knocking from the front door, and her heart reacts by skipping a beat or two, so her only outward reaction is a whimper muffled by the sleeve of Jake’s sweatshirt. 

 Whoever it is, though, doesn’t knock again, and she hears the door actually open. Her heart lurches again, this time in surprise, because could he—could he really have been released without her knowing? Had the squad made a breakthrough? Did Hawkins confess?

 “Santiago?” 

 ...The voice isn’t Jake’s. 

 “Amy, are you here?” 

 It’s—it’s Captain Holt?

 Suddenly, everything is hot, and her entire face just burns with shame. She forces herself to throw the covers off and pushes herself up to a sitting position, despite the tingling in her arms, and she feels her body prepare its go-to natural reaction as of late: tears.

 She holds them back, trying to formulate a reply, because Captain Holt wouldn’t just show up unannounced for no reason, so something’s clearly wrong. When she opens her mouth and starts to speak, everything closes up and all that comes out is a sob. 

 It was enough for Captain Holt to hear, because he knocks on her bedroom door next, waits a few moments, then slowly opens the door. He pokes his head in almost cautiously, as if entering a dragon’s cave, and her face feels impossibly hot when they make eye contact. 

 “May I…” he pauses. “…come in?”

 She manages to shrug.

 He hesitates, then accepts the invitation, stepping inside. He closes the door softly behind him, despite no one else being home to impede on their privacy. 

 “Is everything alright?” he asks, approaching the bed slowly. 

 Her lower half, clad in short shorts riding up her thighs, is still, thankfully, covered by the covers. She’s fiddling with the hem of Jake’s sweatshirt sleeve in her lap, which grounds her enough to respond with another shrug. 

 “Well,” he continues awkwardly, “it’s almost noon, and we were all worried when you didn’t come into the precinct this morning nor contact any of us to tell us you would be out.” 

 “Sorry,” she tries to say, but it comes out as a whisper through trembling lips. She takes a deep breath, squeezing the fabric in her hands. “I’m—sorry.” 

 “I’m not here to scold you, Detective Santiago,” he says, standing over the bed. “The squad is worried about you—as am I. You’re allowed to take time off in a time like this. It’s expected, even.”

 “The case,” she murmurs half-heartedly in protest. “We have to get Hawkins.”

 “And we will,” he says gently, “but only with proper rest and self-care.” 

 Whatever fight was left in her dies, so she just nods, looking back down at her hands. 

 “Allow me to get you a glass of water,” Captain Holt says when she doesn’t speak.

  Half an hour later, Amy’s showered and dressed in proper clothing, seated across from Captain Holt at the dining table with two fresh mugs of coffee between them. 

 “I’m sorry about this morning,” she says. “I was going to come in today—I was. My brain just…didn’t agree.” 

 He nods slowly. “I know about your medical history, Santiago.” 

 She mirrors his nod, pressing her lips together awkwardly in a halfhearted attempt at a smile. “Great.” 

 When he just raises an eyebrow, she scrambles to amend her response. “I mean—yes, that’s—that’s great! You should always know the medical history of your detectives, when you’re the captain, yes…Wait, that’s confidential, how do you—“

 “Peralta told me,” he says, “different pieces on several occasions. Mostly when he’s drunk.”

 “Ah.” She focuses her attention down on her coffee, resting her fingertips against the hot mug in an attempt to warm them up.

 “Yes, it should be confidential,” he says, “and I don’t let it affect my decisions made in the workplace when it comes to assigning you cases. But I believe Jake was coming from a place of love.”

 “He always is,” she mumbles, looking back up at Captain Holt. “Though that was still uncool.”

 “You’re one of the best detectives in the NYPD, Amy,” Captain Holt says. “You’ve accomplished that because of raw talent and a lot of hard work, regardless of your previous circumstances. You should be proud of that, because I am.”

 “Thank you, Captain,” she says, smiling shyly. “That means a lot coming from you.” 

 “Of course.” He nods. “But that’s why I need you to let me in, Santiago. I need you to tell me what’s going on right now, because it’s affecting your ability to work. I don’t need all the details, but I trust that we’ve grown closer than the boundaries set by a professional relationship.” 

 “We have,” she says quickly. “We have. The squad…we’re more than just a team, we’re a family.”

 Captain Holt nods again.

 She takes a deep breath. “I…I don’t know how to explain it all to you, but I guess Jake breaking my doctor-patient-boyfriend confidentiality helped cover all the basics…” She shakes her head, trying to get herself back on track. “Things have gotten worse lately, because Jake’s gone, and he’s helped me get better in a lot of ways. When you and Jake were in Florida, Rosa was the one who helped me out when things got bad, but now, she’s gone, too…and, I mean, you have Kevin, Charles and Terry have their families, Gina has her hands full with the baby coming soon, I-I just…” 

 When she trails off, Captain Holt tries to help out. “You feel alone, because the rest of us have other people to depend on, which means you have none of us to depend on?”

 She winces. “When you say it like that, it sounds stupid, which I guess it is—“

 “Those are your feelings, Santiago, and they’re valid,” he says. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

 “Logically, I know I’m not alone,” she says, frustration lining her words, “but my brain just forgets that all the time, and I end up…stuck, I guess, like what happened this morning, where I just couldn’t get out of bed—it’s something I’ve had to live with for a long time, but everything’s just been so good for so long lately, even during the times where I felt like the world could end.”

 Captain Holt gestures to a paper—a letter—on the other side of the table. It looks as if it’d just recently been unfolded, and Amy fights against the flare of panic within her chest. 

 “You’ve regressed,” he says simply, pulling the paper between them. She stares at it dumbly, yearning for some sort of liberation from this cruel way of life. “And you were supposed to tell me, because of our line of work.”

 She nods minutely, anxiety bubbling up in her chest again. She wonders if he’ll confiscate her badge and gun right here on the spot, or fire her for violating policies that are so crucial to their job. 

 (She just hopes he’ll allow her to keep working the Hawkins case with the squad, badge or no badge.)

 “You’re not medically cleared to carry your gun,” he says, pulling out his glasses and reading over the paper once again. 

 Amy doesn’t say anything, wringing her hands under the table to cope with the nerves eating at her insides. This is it—this is how she goes out. She’d once thought it would be this way, long ago, before she’d worked past everything and became healthy.

 (But, now, she’s back to square one, back to those high school days she would lock herself in her bedroom and pace the small space, trying to cope with the intrusive thoughts.)

 “It’s only been a week,” she mumbles weakly. “And I—I stopped bringing it home, after the first two days. I leave it in my locker if I know I’ll be on desk duty all day. I only carry it when I’m going out in the field.”

 “Rules are rules, Santiago,” he says, taking his glasses off. “And this is a big rule.”

 “I won’t do anything stupid with it, I promise,” she says. “That’s why I keep it locked up. I just—I wanted to continue working, for the distraction from Jake and Rosa, and so I could keep working with the squad to get them out.”

 (She screwed up big time.)

 “I’m sorry,” she offers, though it feels useless in her mouth, and she wants nothing more than to bury herself back in bed, curled up with Jake’s clothes in a poor attempt at filling the void of his absence. “I know I broke so many rules, but I just—I need this, Captain. Please.”

 He studies her for a moment, with his carefully guarded expression. 

 “Desk duty,” he finally says, “until further notice.”

 She blinks.

 “Your gun stays in my locker,” he continues. “You stay on top of your medication. And when you have incidents like this morning, you make sure to contact someone from the squad or myself to let us know. We want to help you as much as we can, Amy, but we can’t do that if you do reckless things that could get you fired from the job.”

 She nods emphatically. “Ye—yes, sir, yes, of course.”

 “Take the rest of the day off.” He folds the paper back up, sliding it into his pocket. “Call someone if you need anything.” 

 She nods again. 

 “If things get better in the next few weeks, I might be able to get you revaluated to work in the field and carry your gun,” he says. “But you need to take proper care of yourself first.” 

 He stands from the table and she watches him, a lump forming in her throat. He walks around the table to her side and she ducks her head, submitting to the humiliation and guilt weighing on her shoulders. 

 Holt hugs her.

 It’s sudden and a little awkward, but his arms are around her frame and it’s all she needs to break down again, leaning into his grasp. 

 (Strangely, things only get better from there.)

  Amy returns to work the following week, having taken Friday off in addition to her tumultuous Thursday with Holt. 

 Gina had randomly (or, maybe, not so randomly) decided to start her maternity leave a day early, so Amy went over to her apartment and they hung out like old friends, with minimal, amicable roasting throughout the afternoon. Charles came over for dinner, bringing his home cooking—a normal meal, thankfully—and Gina’s apartment was filled with the laughter Amy wasn’t sure she’d experience again soon. Like children, they penned letters with nonsensical doodles littered across the margins to send to both Rosa and Jake, because sometimes happiness doesn’t have to come in the form of something huge.

 (And, for the first time in a while, Amy felt genuinely happy.)

 It was short-lived, of course, as these things go. She spent the weekend with an unopened pack of cigarettes tucked into her pocket, because she’d promised Jake she’d quit and she had been making some progress, but this was her last emergency pack that she’d nearly cracked open some ten odd times between Saturday and Sunday, but she pushed through. 

 (She spoiled herself late Saturday night with an e-cig, half-leaning out their bathroom window, but she figured it could’ve been worse and she could’ve spent the past month smoking, but she hasn’t.)

 Monday, when she walks into the precinct, she’s greeted with warm smiles from the squad. Though the emptiness at Jake and Rosa’s desks amplifies the continuous, dull ache in her chest that started in the courtroom and hasn’t stopped since, Amy keeps walking until she reaches her desk and pushes the sadness from the forefront of her mind. The space in her purse that had once been for cigarettes now has her anxiety meds, in case something happens and she needs them, and she thinks, maybe, she can do this. After getting her things settled, she enters Holt’s office to check in with him, and together, they go to the women’s locker room. 

 There, Amy opens her locker and slowly pulls the gun out in its holster. A mixture of thoughts stream through her mind—such as the trust Holt still has for her, allowing her to bring her gun to him herself. She knows she wouldn’t do something stupid or reckless to someone else with it; she at least knows herself that much. However, the gesture, even if unintentional (but is probably intentional, because this is Holt), speaks volumes to Amy and gives her an unexpected confidence boost.

 She transfers the firearm to him outside and he nods with a smile. “Thank you, Detective Santiago. I’m very proud to be your mentor.” 

 “I’m very proud to be your…student,” she replies with a nervous laugh, but the moment retains its genuine feel.

  A couple weeks later, she visits Jake with Charles again, and it goes as smoothly as it can, she thinks. This time, there are no tears or breakdowns or anything of the sort; she squeezes Charles’ hand before they enter the prison, and again on the way back out. They listen to the Taylor Swift playlist Jake had made for the squad on the drive back, singing the lyrics they know as loudly as they can. 

 The squad continues working as hard as they can to solve the Hawkins case, on top of their everyday cases, as well as covering Jake and Rosa’s loads of cases. 

 Somehow, some way, Jake gets his hands on a cellphone, and Amy talks to him whenever she can, wherever she can, about anything and everything. They talk about office gossip, prison gossip, family gossip, how Rosa’s doing, how Jake’s new goddaughter, Enigma, is doing, Die Hard—no topic is off-limits.

 Except for one: Amy and her current health predicament. 

 She keeps how she’s doing as vague and optimistic as possible, and Jake doesn’t seem to completely buy it, but what time they do get together is precious, so he doesn’t waste it with endless prying questions. She tells herself that telling him in person, after he’s released, is the happiest ending possible in this scenario, which is why she can’t tell him now, over the phone; it’ll spoil the happy ending she’s dreamed up for herself, for them, in addition to causing useless stress in Jake’s already complicated life.

 (She doesn’t want to know what he had to do to keep the phone, she really doesn’t after that conversation she overheard between him and another inmate, but at the same time, she needs to know. She figures it’s the secret he’ll share during their happy ending reunion, because as long as he’s free and back home with her, that ending is nothing but happy, no matter what confessions they have for each other when all is said and done.)

  Finally, she passes her med eval after a month of self-care and turning to her friends when she needs them most, and she’s cleared for field work again. Holt returns her gun and its back in its rightful place on her left hip and she hugs him because she can’t help herself. Gina even dedicates an alcohol-free toast to Amy at her baby shower and Amy knows baby Enigma will be in good hands. 

 She starts going to the library regularly again, both to read and to organize, because it allows her to expend the pent-up nervous energy that’d otherwise manifest itself in red, angry thoughts that keep her up at night. She doesn’t mean to be the rude to the librarians, she’s doing them a public service, really, but she needs this, so she doesn’t do something stupid like lie about her health to keep her job as a distraction.

 Encountering Seamus Murphy refills her tank of anxiety, though, and he leaves her with a choice.

 A month ago, she would’ve said yes on the spot.

 Tonight, though, she rips the defiled page from the book with shaky fingers and a hitch in her breath, a pros and cons list already writing itself in her mind. 

 (She leaves the informative page with Holt at the precinct the next day, because she knows better than to tempt herself at a time like this; he locks it in his drawer with a proud nod, like he’d given her a month ago, and, for once, something other than anxiety flutters up in her chest.)

 When she talks to Jake on the phone that day, she decides not to tell him.

  Their operation to bust Hawkins falls apart at the seams all in one moment, with their guns all pointed in the direction they’d hoped would lead Jake and Rosa back into their arms, but everything fails, and Amy’s hands shake with the need for that page from that book that she’d ripped that could fix everything, future consequences be damned. 

 She tries to control the external evidence of her deep disappointment on the way back to the precinct, because this moment is not unlike that final one in the courtroom—all eyes on her, filled with pity and reflecting a grief like the kind weighing heavily in her heart. 

 When they return to the precinct, with the pain from the loss of Jake and Rosa made new in her mind, she sits—not at her desk, but at Jake’s, for the first time since he’d been sent to prison.

 No one says anything. Charles has that silly beard on still, which emits a certain chaotic energy familiar to how things used to be within the squad, despite their currently missing members, and it strangely grounds Amy. 

 She rests her hands on the arm rests and leans her head back, letting the cold chair consume her, if even for just a moment. She looks at the pictures and trinkets on Jake’s desk, then turns toward the wall, where she sees that awful, victorious photo of them from years ago framed. It’s dusty now. 

 Looking back at his desk, her eyes fall on a different framed picture of the two of them, a stolen moment at Shaw’s sometime last year or the year before captured (probably) by Charles, and she recognizes it as the picture she’d brought to work to place on her desk, only to have it stolen by Jake the first moment she left her desk unattended.

 “We’ll get you out,” she mumbles to herself. “I promise.”

 She stands up and moves to sit beside Charles’ desk and regroup with the others, just as Holt emerges from his office saying something about pigs.

  The rest of the day passes in a blur—a whirlwind of crazy theories and information about pig digestion that Amy would’ve been fine not having to know and Holt describing some chess move to Hawkins while putting her in handcuffs.

 That’s the crispest moment of it all for Amy, seeing the downfall of Hawkins. Holt even lets Amy take her, while he moves to help arrest the others, and everything slows down when she takes that first step toward Hawkins. 

 This moment lasts forever, Amy thinks; it’s one of the most crucial in her life, and Jake’s, and their relationship. This woman had been the universe’s latest impenetrable wall built between Jake and Amy, and now, she was very much penetrable. 

 (“Title of your sex tape,” Amy mumbles to herself, somewhere between a laugh and a cry, a hesitant smile teasing her lips.)

 She grabs Hawkins roughly and doesn’t say anything. What is there to say in the short moments it takes to push Hawkins outside and into the squad car? Amy’s brain formulates an entire galaxy’s worth of emotions and thoughts that she’s not sure she could translate into words for another human being to comprehend. 

 Finally, just before opening the door of the squad car to push Hawkins in, Amy stops.

 “I knew you wouldn’t win,” she says lowly, just inches away from Hawkins’ ear. 

 Hawkins doesn’t respond, just challenges her with a look, but Amy guides her down into the car, slamming the door closed after her. Amy watches her through the glass, for a few moments, relishing in the fresh high of victory and hopes come true, until Charles lays a hand on her arm and breaks her from her reverie. 

 “Jake’s gonna come home now,” he says softly, with a smile brighter than any Amy has seen in ages. “Rosa, too.” 

 “Yeah,” is all Amy replies with, because a different kind of anxiety fills her chest, and she pulls Charles into a hug.

  Amy emerges from the nightmare with a hop in her step and a bag of fresh clothes for Jake and herself with her meds stuffed somewhere down in the bottom below everything, because sometimes a homecoming takes more than one day and sometimes she doesn’t need to organize everything. 

 Jake emerges from the nightmare with a hefty beard and an orange jumpsuit that never ceases to make Amy’s heart lurch, but the words “babe” and “Ames” and “I love you” and “I missed you” are all somehow formed on his lips at the same time when they reunite, face-to-face, and this is their happy ending.

 The happy ending where they’ll have secrets to confess, damage to undo, wounds to medicate. Amy thinks it’s okay, though; the moment his arms are around her and her face is pushed into his chest, her longtime anxiety and OCD and depression and everything else of the like aren’t instantaneously cured—they probably never will be—but she’s reminded that she’s never alone. 

 This is their happy ending.

  (“It was bad while you were gone,” she whispers to him sometime later, in the familiar safety of their bed, her meds left out on the nightstand because he’d found them earlier and the secret was out. “I was bad.”

 “It’s okay,” he whispers back, “I accidentally had meth while I was in prison.”

 She looks at him with a million questions swirling in her brain, but he shakes his head and continues running his hand up and down her arm. 

 “We can unpack that another night,” he murmurs, and she smiles at the humor she’d missed. “I wanna talk about you tonight. You haven’t been on meds since college, right?”

 It’s a question, but she knows that he knows the answer, because Jake might have the memory of a goldfish when it comes to the general comings and goings of life, but he’s always committed her secrets and confessions to heart.

 [And apparently shared some of them with Holt, but she decides to put off that conversation for another night.]

 “Yeah,” she says. “And I don’t know when I’ll be off them again.”

 “That’s okay,” he says.

 “It doesn’t have to be,” she says even more quietly. “It can be a lot to handle. You can leave. I’d understand.”

 It’s been deal breaker before, so she tries not to get her hopes up anymore. But—

 “No way, Ames. You’re stuck with me.”

 His hands find hers under the covers and he squeezes them in that gentle, yet firm, way he always does, and she looks up at him through her eyelashes. 

 “Forever?” she asks, and her heart skips a beat. 

 “Forever,” he says. “And a day.”

 “Not possible.”

 “Live a little, babe.” 

 She pushes her face into his chest to stifle her laughter and he wraps his arms around her and she thinks maybe, just maybe, she can love herself as much as Jake loves her one day. For now, though, she’s more than content.

 “Just don’t let me do meth ever again,” he adds a moment later. “It was awful.”)

#peraltiago fic #peraltiago #b99 #jake peralta #amy santiago #lordt let's pray that the formatting doesn't get eviscerated here #ray holt #gina linetti #rosa diaz #charles boyle #fanfiction #this is my foray into the b99 fandom so...hello!!! sorry this is so angsty i'm just a sad bean atm

[megabadbunny]

For the DxR fic meme: Nine x Rose; 01 G ☯

(Nine x Rose, Jackie’s flat, midnight, Rose’s diary; from @doctorroseprompts )

***

He knows he shouldn’t, and yet, here he is.

(But it’s not exactly his fault, is it? If she didn’t wanthim to see it, maybe she shouldn’t have left it lying around all public in theopen, conspicuous and winking at him and daring him to take a little peek,wriggling its (figurative) hips like a minx in red throwing a perfumed kissover one shoulder. Never mind the fact that it wasn’t lying around in public somuch as it was in her room, that it wasn’t in the open so much as it was tuckedunder her mattress.)

The Doctor glances around furtively, even though he knows noone will catch him in the act; the flat is empty of any other living thing,save for him and the dust motes colonizing the space beneath the rug. Rose andher oddity of a mum have whisked off somewhere or other (“a proper girls’night”, Jackie might’ve said, or might not have, as the Doctor might not havebeen listening) and Jack is goodness-knows-where with goodness-knows-whom, sothe Doctor figures he’s got a good few hours to himself before anyone returns.And he’s got to find some way to occupy himself, hasn’t he?

(Besides, it isn’t as if he went snooping specifically for it.More like, he snooped, and there it conveniently was. Also, he’s bored.)

Plunking himself down on her bed—not nearly as soft or plushas her TARDIS bed, he thinks with a smirk—the Doctor opens the book to thefirst page.

Dear dairy readsthe first line.

The Doctor chuckles. There is no date scrawled anywhere onthe page, but the scribbles and misspellings amidst very careful and deliberatestrokes tell the Doctor these words were written by someone who had only recentlylearned penmanship, and was determined to do it well.

Dear dairy

Hello how are you? Myname is Rose Marion Tyler. It is my brithday today I am 6 years old.

It’s almost impossible to imagine Rose ever being so young;far easier to picture her emerging fully-grown and stubborn-willed and jeopardy-friendlystraight from inception. But the Doctor tries, and in his mind’s eye he canalmost see her sitting on the bed—no, lying on it, stomach-down, her sock-cladfeet kicking idly in the air. Her hair, unbleached and light brown, would be pulledback into a ponytail, held in place by one of those what d’you-call-it’s. A scrunchie. Her head would bend down inconcentration over the diary as she clutched her pen tightly in her small fist.The Doctor imagines the pen to be pink, glittery, one of those gel-things, hopelesslyand wonderfully childish and girly, and his grin broadens.

Mummy and me had aparty in the park and Lottie and Fred cud not come but Shireen was there andMickey to and his gran and my grandad Prentis. Grandad brung cake from thestore it has had a heart drawed on and my name and there were candels.We had ice cream to. And I had prezents there was a barby and shoes and a newbell for my bike…

The list continues and the Doctor rolls his eyes fondly.Clearly, six-year-old Rose had decided to commit only the most pertinent ofdetails to memory. He flips through perhaps the first quarter of the diary, pausingat a mention of Mickey here, a drawing of a flower there, and watches as Rose’shandwriting grows more confident, her entries more substantial. Her diary is amicrocosm of her adventures with mates, days at school, developing crushes, thelikeability of some of Jackie’s boyfriends and the caddishness of others. Atrandom, the Doctor slips a finger between the pages and opens the diarymid-entry, perhaps a year or two along its timeline.

and it felt awful butI didnt say anything bc he was right I dont have a dad but Keisha got angry andtold him to butt out and mind his own business. So then Nick laughed and madefun of Keisha bout her mum and I thot Keisha might cry so I punched Nick in thenose and it bled and the head teacher says I cant come back to school for aweek. Mum says Im in trouble but she didnt stop granddad from buying me a 99 onthe way home and she said next time do a slap its easier on the nuckles.

The Doctor can just picture Rose, eight years old, eyesflashing and stance wide as she bloodies some little twerp’s nose with herfist. Now that—that is a Rose he has no trouble imagining. Laughing, the Doctorshakes his head and flips to a later entry.

8 Nov 1996

Dear diary,

We went to go see Dad yesterday.

The Doctor pauses, hesitates. He knows what the words mean—they’refigurative, not literal, because it would be another eleven years before Rose sawany more of Pete Tyler than old photos and a grave—but the memory of the daynine years earlier still sends a shiver down his spine, clenches something inhis gut in a guilty-sick feeling he can’t quite explain.

Mum told me the storyagain. She seemed all right definitely better than the last time. I think thephotos help. Granddad came to and I don’t think he rly liked Dad very much buthe was nice about him today nicer than on other days. Afterwards Mum went todrop me off with Mickey but he said she needed me so I went on home and she seemeda little happier but she still cried a bit.

The Doctor wrinkles his nose. Something about Mickey theIdiot doing a good turn makes him grumpy. Who does that idiot think he is,anyway?

We had tea and fellasleep in front of the telly. I wanted to make her dinner but there was nothingin and I couldnt find anything in her purse so I went down to Ms Nodd’s bc she’sout seeing her grandson and I got the spare key from under her flower pot and Ilooked in her bedroom and found a few pounds and took them. I bought Mum aChinese from her favourite place and she didnt ask where I got the money so I didnttell her. I dont think Ms Nodd would know it was me that took it but I stillfeel bad I just didnt know what else to do. Ill pay her back when I get somemoney for my bday.

Nice old bird, that Ms Nodd. Much nicer than some of theother tenants on the Estate, with her blue-tinged hair and cheerful smile andwithered old hands that freely distribute home-baked biscuits to errant TimeLords who just happen to be handy with a squeaky front door. The Doctor makes amental note to liberate an ATM of a couple hundred-pound-notes at his earliestopportunity and slip them into her flat.

He reads a few more pages—comfortably silly stuff, all ofit, more crushes and rants about school and discussions of celebrities andfashion and Rose’s favorite things on telly—until his fingers land on an oddlybrittle page, warped in places, buckling. Several of the words are nearlyimpossible to discern, smudged as they are, and it takes the Doctorapproximately .003 seconds to identify the water marks as tears.

(There’s no dear diaryhere, no date. The words simply begin, as if writing anything more than theabsolutely necessary would take too much energy. Like it would hurt too much.)

Granddad’s gone.

The Doctor sighs, and his hearts each break a little foryoung Rose, curled up in her bed and crying bitter tears into her pillow. Tenyears old is far too young to experience the cruelty of such a loss. But it isn’tas if it gets any easier at any other age. The Doctor knows that to be painfullytrue.

Had a heart attack.Doctors said he went in his sleep and didn’t feel anything. I hope that’s true.Mum said he’s with the angels now but that’s stupid. The angels don’t need him wedo. I already miss him.

Mum can’t stop crying.I wish Dad was here.

And there’s that feeling again in the Doctor’s gut, thesquirmy-sicky one. Almost as if his stomach knows he shouldn’t be doing this,like his body is punishing him. It was all well and good reading about the funfrivolities of a carefree primary-schooler, but this sort of thing—this issomething else. Something deep and personal, a compound fracture of emptinessand hurt. The Doctor knows should stop reading now. He really should.

(He doesn’t.)

It takes a few weeks for the mentions of Granddad Prentice tostart fading, but eventually, they do, fading away to be gradually replaced bythe normality of everyday life. Sometimes months pass between diary-entries;other times, years. The Doctor smiles as he glances over recountings of schooldays and formals and skipping classes, of Jackie’s eccentric cluster of boyfriends,of fights with friends and happy makings-up after, of holidays and gossip andhopes for the future. The day Rose and Shireen fall out over a boy is marked byan obscene amount of swearing and words crossed-out and pencil-punctures dugdeep into the page; the day Mickey asks Rose to be his girlfriend is noted withexclamation points and a lipgloss-kiss.

The day Rose meets Jimmy Stone is noted with a single heartthat simply reads Mrs Rose Stone.

Grimacing at the words, the Doctor forces himself to presson.

OMG met this bloke Jimmyyesterday n he was soooo fit reads the next entry. Shireen and Keisha and me went down the pub and he was playing in theband and I thot he fancied Keisha at first but after he asked for my number ♡ ♡ ♡I kno it doesn’t mean nothing so I didn’ttell Mickey cos no point in him worrying and he gets so jealous anyway lol

Awww, poor jealous ickle Mickey, thinks the Doctor. He snortsderisively. Human beings—so quick to such petty reactions. He’s very glad hedoesn’t have to worry about silly things like that.

Still, it’s a little surprising when, just a few pages later,things have already progressed by leaps and bounds. Jimmy kissed me! leaps out from the page, followed by things like Mickey and me had a fight and Snuck out to hear Jimmy play downtownand Went to the cinema with Jimmy and he puthis hand up my sk

Hearts hammering, the Doctor flips past that page before hiskeen eyes have a chance to read any further. For some reason, the thought ofJimmy putting his hand up anything of Rose’s—indeed, of Jimmy or some otherfool even thinking about touching her, anywhere, with anything—makes him burn abit under the collar. Unpleasant, that. Maybe he’d better take a look at Jackie’sthermostat, make sure it’s doing its job, because it certainly doesn’t feellike it.

(Still, he skips the several pages that follow, just to besafe.)

said if Iwalked out that door I’d better not walk back in and you know what screw her.She’s wasted her whole life crying about Dad and never doing anything withherself and never doing anything for me. I hate her I would rather die then belike her

Eyes widening in surprise, the Doctor quickly scans over thenext few pages, his concern deepening by the second.

love Jimmy andno one can tell me any different and if Mum really knew what love was then she’dunderstand

Im so glad I’mwith him now he gets me like no one else ever has or ever will, ♡ him forever

didnt want totake my a-levels anyway not like it means anything out in the real world

moving into aflat together next week can’t wait ♡♡♡

and I love himbut I wish he’d get a job cos the gigs don’t make enough n I can’t covereverything on my own

came home drunkagain last night n wouldnt tell me where he’d been

told me I’dbetter cough up the rest of the rent by next weekend or else he would

And then, nothing.

The Doctor frowns. Whatever he would do is left unexplained, torn away along with a wholecluster of pages in the diary, leaving a ragged little scar behind where wordsand feelings used to sit. The Doctor runs a finger along the page-stumps leftin the spine, and wonders.

What could have happened that was so bad that even the memoryof it had to be ripped away?

The next entry picks up a few weeks later. It does notmention Jimmy. Instead, the page displays only a handful of lonely words:

He wasright. I’m so stupid.

It takes a moment for the Doctor to realize that the diaryis shaking in his hands. But that’s only because he’s gripping it so tightlyhis knuckles are glowing bright white in an attempt to jump out of his skin. Andsuddenly he’s glad, in quite a perverse way, that he has witnessed thedestruction of the Reapers firsthand, because otherwise the temptation to pilotthe TARDIS back in time to ensure that Jimmy Stone never hurt Rose—that henever so much as existed, never so much as blighted this planet with even asingle vile breath—would be so strong that he’s not entirely sure he’d be ableto stop himself.

Forcing himself to calm, the Doctor skips forward, hopefullyto an entry that won’t cause hisblood to boil angrily in his ears. Now phrases like moved back in with Mum today and applied at Henriks greet his eyes, and he feels the muscles in hisshoulders begin to relax.

and a sweet ginger boy’sstarted coming round, Mum named him Jonesy

but the new job’s notso bad

going out to the clubswith Shireen

Mickey stopped by withflowers today and it was like nothing had ever gone wrong

anyway we’re datingagain

nothing’ll come of itbut some blokes won in Bristol last week so who knows, maybe we’ll win a littlesomething n I could get Mum something nice

a little boring Iguess but prolly about the best I can expect for now

So my job blew uptoday???

Now a grin spreads across the Doctor’s face, lighting it upfrom ear-to-ear. Finally. Took longenough to get here. Now for the reallygood stuff.

Fingers tingling in anticipation, he turns the page.

Nothing.

The Doctor flips through the remaining pages, hunting forsomething, anything, but nothing buta sea of white greets his eyes, winking up at him obnoxiously without so muchas a single date or scribble or scrawl to capture his attention. The rest ofthe diary is completely, utterly blank.

Huffing in irritation, the Doctor sits back, flipping thebook closed with a scowl. It makes a certain sense, he supposes, but still.Really? She’ll write about ice cream and Barbies and school gossip and Mickeythe Idiot but no mention of the TARDIS, no asides about traveling through timeand space, no discussion of Dickens or Slitheen or bitchy trampolines or 900year-old Time Lords taking her by the hand to show her anything her littleheart could ever possibly—

CLANG.

“I just found it!” blurts out the Doctor without eventhinking, pushing off the bed and whirling round to face Rose’s open bedroomdoorway. But no one stands there; indeed, if his superior hearing is anythingto go by (and it usually is), there’s no one within several meters of him, certainlyno one in the flat. And the continuing ding-dang-dongbell’s sound, ringing at twelve lazy but significant intervals, informs himthat his nervousness was for naught—it’s just Jackie’s old grandfather clock,noisily (and unnecessarily, the Doctor thinks with a grump) proclaiming thetime.

It’s midnight. Probably Rose and Jackie will be home soon. Andprobably he shouldn’t let them know he was nosing through Rose’s diary.

(Even if it wasn’t his fault, seeing as they left him aloneand bored and unoccupied in the flat, and even if he didn’t find what he waslooking for—even if he’s not entirely certain what that was.)

As he slips the diary back into its hiding-place beneathRose’s mattress, it occurs to him that there are any number of reasons Rosemight not be writing things in a diary any more—she forgot it at home, or she’stoo tired after their adventures, or too distracted, or maybe she’s even got anew one aboard the TARDIS, hidden somewhere equally silly. But there’s anotheroption too, he realizes; that she’s simply too happy to see the need forwriting things down, that she is too busy living her memories to think of takingthe time to document them. The thought warms him, contentment blooming in hischest, and he leaves Rose’s room with a smile, closing the door behind him.

(He still checks her room on the TARDIS just in case.)

***

part ii

#ficandchips #nine x rose #ninerose #ninexrose #nine/rose #prompt fill #thanks for the prompt dear! #<3 <3 <3

[strmgrl-blog]

my name’s saturn & this is my meme shop ! aaaaah no, really though bonjour angels ! for a lil introduction for myself let me just get this out of the way GIFJDKL uhhh i love aoa, day6 & sm artists ( like .. all of them Help ). a traumatized bitch who loves suffering so i project onto my muses to Cope ! GIAUDFJKL god gdfroijmkl sorry ummm i love star wars & video games ? catch me throwing an ow comp match & feeding in fortnite ! i love the moon, she’s the only thing that keeps me alive. i don’t have a mitochondria, i have lunar force. i have one (1) indoor cat who i birthed & LITERALLY 4 STRAY CATS who appeared from the mist. i run a ratchet vet service from my front porch & it’s free, i should be named human of the year honestly, truly. more on this mess of a muse, hyeon, who ( btw ) is literally my everything ? i’ve had her for quite a long time & lost motivation to write her so i’m changing some shit up to see how it goes & this is the product ! i hope you all enjoy reading this EXTREMELY long intro ( bc it will be very long im so sorry ) & befriend both myself as well as hyeon. & if you’re feelin’ a little extra, like this to plot ! i have a few ideas in mind but they’re all worth brainstorming over bc they’re SHIT. anyway, i love u all so much already ? genuinely a kind community i’m nut & WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, here’s hyeon ~  ♥（ﾉ´∀`）

warning ! trigger warnings ahead possibly including ꞉ child prostitution, drug abuse, child abuse, mental abuse, sexual assault, depression, suicidal thoughts + other mental illness, murder, & probably a fuckton more. read with caution, please.

⌠ BACKGROUND ⌡

so starting with her parents, where all stories begin, let’s just preface by saying these were awful people. they ran in similar circles during school, a very bad one at that, & fell in love after sharing a joint. in their high daze they saw what their mind was conjuring but not the truth about one another. but for them, it had been enough. thus, their story began. it was a very rocky road but they managed to stay together regardless. the bond they had created blossomed as they partook in illegal activities such as petty theft, vandalism, & it slowly evolved into larger problems. 

after hyeon’s mother, named jung eunbi, stole from her parents for the last time she was kicked out into the street with her boyfriend ( who had also been kicked out ) with no place to go. both dropped out of high school as it wasn’t their “””scene””” & took to the dirty streets of busan trying to turn tricks. they’d do anything they could to get some money to feed their addictions. in the midst of their scrambling for what they deemed as important, they never thought to buy protection. so one fateful night after a good steal, they made love on a dingy couch high as a kite & eunbi got pregnant.

she hid the pregnancy for as long as she could from her boyfriend, he only noticed when there was a rather apparent bump under her baggy clothing. with the weight of the realization they might have to force themselves to become a real family, the couple got hitched & attempted to find real jobs. in some miracle, they managed to find a house to live in & eventually “raise” their child in. 

hyeon was born on the 8th of june, on a dark morning with clouds hanging ove the sky & rain starting to pour. she was premature as her mother did drugs during the pregnancy ( which was really no shocker ) & almost was pronounced a still born before they heard the tiny being crying & gasping for air. her parents had assumed that once she was born, they’d feel that parental love that everyone claimed to have but it never came. they stayed in the hospital a total of two days & hardly let their newborn get the help she needed before they hauled ass out of there. 

the first 3 years of hyeon’s life were better than expected, her parents at least tried to take care of her but once she was able to do everything on her own they left her be to pursue their own happiness. honestly think of matilda but a lot more severe ok

she would often get locked in a closet while there were parties held & her parents were too strung out to remember their child. she could spend days in there before she was released. this was only the beginning.

at 8 years old, her father lost his job ( her mother stayed at home ) due to a random drug test & he of course failed. this triggered her parents to panic as they no longer could supply themselves with their so desired highs. so after a night of scheming, they came up with a plan so sinister not even the devil himself would agree.

random men & women began to arrive to their dingy home as hyeon would be ushered into quiet rooms with them where they would pay to do whatever they pleased with the young girl. this went on for 2 years before hyeon was pulled into the principals office at school with questions about where those bruises on her came from. her mom was picked up for possession & this prompted the police to raid their home to find many illegal substances throughout the place as well as evidence of abuse towards the child.

soon after her parents were placed in prison, hyeon was shipped off to seoul to the biggest orphanage in the country. there she stayed for 4 more years. the time there was quiet, nobody asked her about where she came from & she never spoke about it. in truth, she never knew how to as she was a blank mind essentially. 

luckily when she was 15, after a long & strenuous search, hyeon’s grandparents found her & adopted her into their home in daegu. they were absolutely appalled at this shell of a girl, but could only blame her trauma on their own children. it was here that hyeon was loved for the first time in her life ( & possibly the only time ) & taught how to feel something besids fear. she was still horribly inept at processing emotions or showing them.

two years spent with them & one night as hyeon & her grandfather were sat at the family piano, playing & singing a song as her grandmother recorded them in secret. that same video was sent to an entertainment company without hyeon’s knowledge but was thoroughly surprised & equally as excited when she was recruited. only a measly year in training with her 2 group members before they debuted & they were suddenly the biggest gg in sk.

the group debuted under the name of PTL, hyeon’s stagename was now Tink as she accompanied her members in the ride of a lifetime. they were extremely popular with their girl crush yet enticing vocals with miss tink as the main vocalist & maknae. even so successful as to have a world tour ! the group had their differences, hyeon being the medium for them as the other girls were rather opposing forces. often she was put in the middle of their arguing only to run away when conflict came up. during this time she would write & compose her own songs, bringing a heavy soul feeling to the group with her powerhouse vocals.

with all this being said ( which was a LOT ), there is still more. a year after debut while the group was climbing in popularity, hyeon began receiving texts from an unknown number. she soon found out that the people behind the mask were her parents, somehow having managed to be released from prison & found their new mission in life was to harass their daughter. on an october night, after an argument went down within the dorms between hyeon’s two members, the youngest set out by herself to meet those who hurt her for dinner. 

as expected, it went horribly. at this point in her life, she was extremely impressionable, & witnessed how her eonnie handled things which was with a liquor bottle in hand. so, like an idiot, she went to a club by herself to get fucked up. while sitting at the bar, a random man drugged her drink & took hyeon home with him. the night was a blur but when the young woman woke up she felt familiar bruises & a blanket of rage took over. the man was still passed out next to her.

so as she slipped out of his bed & found the nearest blunt object, hyeon managed to bash his skull in. she blacked out after that only to come to with clean hands & far away from the corpse. this was the reactant to lead her to go blind in rage & come to with blood on her hands. soon enough, she took a liking to the feeling & became two people within one while somehow managing to remain anonymous as a killer ran rampant.

earlier this year, after too much shit going on within the group, ptl disbanded & all went their own ways. which hyeon appreciated. the people she had once called her sisters had become like strangers & only cared about themselves, didn’t have the time to look after their maknae. 

to say that her already pre - existing depression & anxiety sky rocketed would be an understatement. she left music for a while, deciding to stream on twitch & youtube as a gamer. it made her happy for a short time but has been planning on returning to music with hints of a solo debut soon that has fans excited.

edit: i forgot to put this in here originally IGJFDKL but she moved to jeju after her group disbanded for a new start. plus, her address somehow got leaked so she uprooted all her shit & left for the secluded island.

⌠ OTHER TIDBITS ⌡

stands at 5′7″, 168 pounds ( considered plus size tbh. one day i’ll put picture references LMAO ), with curly, thick hair & freckles from hell. 

can speak english, japanese, chinese, & italian. has a slight british accent from who she learned english from was from the UK.

has a rottweiler puppy named chewie, a hedgehog named leia, & two cats named opal & hazel. 

voice claim is a mixture of lee haeri, kim taeyeon, park sunyoung, & ailee.

her favorite color is blue, loves the rain, & will 100% be caught standing in the middle of a storm.

is a practicing wiccan ! very much so considers herself a witch.

her favorite drink is strawberry milk, & will eat anything that has strawberries !

#islandintro #THIS IS LITERALLY SO FUCKINGGGG LONGGGOHj #i ghosted over smth rly important but ... I CAN touch on it more later i supposed BUT YEAH IM SORRY IF THIS IS FKNNNN AWFUGLLL #this is a mess n im sorryt plsssjoidkl love me ! #like dis if u'd like to plot uwu

[hiistiger]

New addition to the Roommate Saga: I’ve had half a bottle of wine and I told all my friends my problems w him and I hate him rn bc he’s like actually the worst

Fuckin airing of the grievances:

Attatched to girlfriend at the hip to the point where she’s literally always in the room and they kiss a ton in front of me despite my roommate knowing that I have a Thing about physical contact

Girlfriend sleeps over every night (which yes I agreed to but roommate does not ask about my comfort in a regular basis)

Roommate does not make an effort to do things w me or others - girlfriend always has to be there

Girlfriend is super sensitive - ex: when told that dance instructors would be critiquing dancing styles he was like “I’ll have to be sure to compliment her bc she takes criticism too hard.” Has she considered growing up?????? ( this is harsh but I hate her so....)

Talks about all the LGBT+ people in his life like they’re his own lil collection of people. Like “omg everyone comes out to me someone came out as xyz to me today” like ok cool whatever

Pressured me and my friend to get into relationships bc he believes that being in a relationship is the cure to all ills. Like sure your depression is better but....consider that perhaps.....people are different.....amazing. He aggressively pressured but agressively did nothing about it. My friend eventually had a Talk with him about it and he’s backed off thank god

Girlfriend won’t shut up and doesn’t understand what comfortable silences are. I’ve gotten to the point where I listen to what I want to and say what I want to say and then fuckin turn my music on and tune her out. It’s not like I could talk to her bc she’d end up crying

Girlfriend cried every night last term. Was uncomfortable w having people in the room if she was crying during the day but apparently I don’t exist so....

Roommate complains that I don’t do anything with him ever but also??? He doesn’t ask????? I invite him to things and he says no???? Idk what you want here bro

Roommate takes me for granted like he likes me bc “I’m always in the room” like bitch not for much longer

His sister is the light of my life and she visited yesterday but also he didn’t tell me bc “it would be a fun surprise.” The only reason I was in the room was bc I skipped a lecture I thought about going to??? Like what the fuck????

When he has something he can’t tell me he makes sure I know like today he was like “I’m filling out this form that I can’t tell you anything about.” And I was like ok cool I really don’t give a shit and wasn’t gonna ask

Makes a huge deal about wanting to eat meals alone like just fuckin tell me when you want to eat alone and I’ll leave you alone it’s not a major life event

Is literally queer baiting me and our mutual (gay) friend. Like he’ll be like “oh I might not actually be completely straight. But also let’s not talk about that anyway never mind moving on.” Like what the fuck???????? Just tell us or don’t??? He’s done this a couple times which is why I’m mad about it

Makes a Big Deal out of accidentally misgendering people. He’ll make a mistake and then take 10 minutes to bemoan that mistake. I feel that this is not all that helpful. Just like apologize and move on???? It’s not all about you????

Was apparently one of a few people writing about a female saint in this one class and was talking about it like he was doing something groundbreaking but also he’s a cis white male so like??? How groundbreaking can that be like do you want a gold star??? I pointed this out to him and he was like “bUt No ONe ElSE iS DoiNG iT So I GoTTA.” Literally no one gives a shit.

Won’t tell his parents and his girlfriend won’t tell her parents about the fact that they live together basically which means I’m the third wheel IN MY OWN ROOM WHICH SHOULD ONLY HAVE TWO PEOPLE IN IT

I basically feel trapped in this bc they literally rely on each other for their mental health (hmmmmmmmmmmm) and roommate doesn’t sleep as well when she’s not there so I feel like I couldn’t say no to having her over even if I wanted to.

#and what art | ooc #ooc #alcohol cw #ill delete this in tje morning wuen im sober lmao #im so done tbh i mifht move in w mt friend who lives upstairs #long post

[silvershadow1398]

#13

Personal

1-How are you? Fine

2-Post a picture of yourself. No thanks

3-Do you ever wish you were someone else? YES

4-What is your entire name? I am not disclosing that

5-How old are you? 21

6-Age you get mistaken for: I always joke that it’s anywhere from 12-15, but realistically probably around 18

7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality: Pisces, and yes

8-What did you do on your last birthday? Absolutely nothing

9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday? Be a good captain of my dance group

10-What is your hair color? Black

11-Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, I have brown highlights

12-What is your eye color? Dark brown

13-If you could change your eye color, would you? Yes

14-Do you wear contacts/glasses? Yes

15-Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it: I don’t like my face, my body is ok other than being too short

16-Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body? I wouldn’t actually do it but yes, and it would be rhinoplasty

17-Say 8 facts about your body: 5′1″, size 5-6 (US) shoe size, somewhat flexible from dance, strong/large thighs but chicken arms, reached my final height at age 12-13, nearsighted since age 8, I have external tibial torsion from ballet, very prone to insect bites

18-Do you have any tattoos? No

19-Do you have any piercings? Yes, two per earlobe

20-Left or right handed? Right

21-What’s your sexual orientation? Ace

22-Do you drink? I have, I don’t really like to

23-Do you smoke? No

24-Do you have any pets? No

25-Where do you work? Currently not employed

26-Something you are working on right now: Choreography for a dance next year

27-Do you have any “rules” about food? I’m very very very picky

28-Where are you from? Maine, US

29-What would you say is your best quality? I don’t tell secrets

30-What do you think you’re really good at? I’m a fairly good dancer, photographer, video editor

31-What do you think you’re really bad at? Actually putting effort into my work and studying, I really should be getting better grades than I get

32-What talent do you wish you’d been born with? More strength and flexibility for dance

33-Are you a bad person? I can be

34-Are you nice to everyone? Noooo

35-Say 3 facts about your personality: INFJ, I think you can figure out two others based on that

36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? I don’t believe so

37-What is your ideal bed? Why? At least a queen size

38-Did you wake up cranky? Today? No, I don’t think so

39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? No

40-What do you think about the most? How much I wish I was someone else

41-Share 2 habits: I twirl my hair and pull strands out that aren’t 100% straight, I grind my teeth

42-What you want to be when you “get older”? Idfk

43-What are your career goals? Idfk

44-What is your ideal career? To not need one lmao

45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No way

46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head? When do I not?

47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend? I don’t think so

48-Say 10 facts about your room: Currently in a dorm room bc I’m at college, boring af, white walls, not very decorated since I’m moving out soon, the door is not soundproof at all, Australian outlets, small but honestly not too cramped, no curtains, air conditioner, huge windows

49-Do you have any phobias? Spiders, heights in some situations, being alone in a public area

50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? No but I really should go...

51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what? Not explicitly declared by an allergist, but insect bites

52-Ever broken any bones? No but I had my first sprain a month ago!

53-Ever come close to death? No

54-Things you like and dislike about yourself: I like my personality but I hate my appearance

55-A random fact about yourself: Excluding my adoption bc I don’t remember anything about it, studying abroad is the first time I have ever left North America

56-What are three things most people don’t know about you? I used to play a couple instruments when I was younger but not anymore, never been to Europe, I have a specific pillow that I always have to sleep with

57-An unknown fact about your life: Ok so I TECHNICALLY have two older step-siblings from my dad’s side, but I do not like them nor do I have a relationship with them so I just say I don’t have any

58-Share something about yourself others might think is weird: My music taste

59-Five weird things that you like: They’re pretty nerdy; wildlife, astronomy, psychology, geography, demographics

60-Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this? Yes I do, and no one sent me this I just found it

61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Just a profile pic, I deleted all other pics I’ve ever posted

62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence: Socially uncomfortable INFJ who just wants to go to bed

63-A quote you try to live by: Idk

64-Leave me a compliment: Thanks for making this survey

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~~~~~~~~~~Favorites

65-What is your favorite thing to do? Watch YouTube videos

66-What’s your favorite color? Blue

67-What’s your favorite band/singer? I don’t have one right now

68-What’s your favorite movie? I don’t like movies

69-What are your favorite books? I don’t read enough to know

70-What is your favorite quote and why? Idk

71-What is your favorite word? Idk

72-What is your least favorite word? Idk I have a lot

73-What is your favorite type of food? Pasta

74-You favorite ice cream? Vanilla

75-What’s your favorite animal? Emperor Penguin, koala in a close second

76-Dogs or cats? Dogs

77-Describe your favourite texture: Cotton

78-What is your favorite flower? Idk

79-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex? Clean laundry lol, idk on the other sex

80-What is your favorite season? Tie between summer and fall

81-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? (not in order) London UK, Paris France, Copenhagen Denmark, Auckland NZ, Perth Australia

82-What are four things you can’t live without and why? Laptop, phone, DSLR camera, headphones, all their chargers; I think you can guess why!!!!

83-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? Idk

84-What’s your favorite television show? Idk I don’t really watch TV

85-Favorite place to shop at? The grocery store! Lol jk, idk

86-Say 2 facts about your favorite things: They’re all electronics?

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~~~~~~~~~~Family, childhood and places

87-Say 4 facts about your parents: They’re technically my adoptive parents, 11 years apart in age, larger age gap to me than most parents to their kids, wealthy

88-Are you more like your mom or your dad? Mom

89-Do you have any siblings? See #57

90-Say 9 facts about your family: Technically my adoptive family, mom’s side is Italian and Irish, dad’s side is Norwegian and German, I have a zillion and 3 cousins on my mom’s side, I know literally no one on my dad’s side, one of my cousins on my mom’s side is my literal soulmate I love her so much, I’m pretty sure I’m the only adopted family member on both sides, 3 of 4 grandparents are still alive, I feel pretty disconnected from my family for the most part

91-What’s your relationship like with your family? See last fact in #90

92-Say 7 facts about your childhood: Jesus what’s with all these fact questions?; I had a good childhood for the most part, I was more outgoing as a kid than I am now, then again I had 0 mental illnesses as a kid lmfao, I had a nasty accident at age 5 that left me with my trademark “eye dimple”, I played a LOT of computer games, I moved at age 9, I miss my childhood

93-The best and the worst childhood memories: Best memory is playing outside with friends or my parents and being carefree, the worst memory is that I was quite a crybaby at times

94-Say 6 facts about your home town: I honestly have no idea

95-Are you going out of town soon? I’m currently out of town! Will be back in less than a month

96-Where would you like to live? The major city right next to my town is pretty nice

97-What would your dream house be like? DREAM house would be a mansion with a lot of cool stuff, but that’s not realistic so I’d like a nice apartment in a good area

98-Where would you go on your dream vacation? I guess you could say I’m currently on my dream vacation, Australia!

99-Where you want to be right now? Anywhere except the school I’m at

100-Top three places to visit: That I’ve been to? Ok so that would be Sydney Australia, Newport Beach California, Maui Hawaii

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~~~~~~~~~~Friends

101-Would you ever smile at a stranger? I have

102-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Girls

103-Who is someone you never tire of? Honestly not sure, I get sick of people very easily

104-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Pretty damn close to it when I’m with my mom and one friend, but I’ve never been 100% around anyone

105-Who is your most loyal friend? The friend noted above

106-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Not EVERYTHING, but my mom is pretty close

107-If your best friend died, what would you do? I’d be devastated

108-A reason you’ve lied to a friend: I didn’t want to hurt them, or I was so ashamed of the answer that they could NOT know

109-Have you ever felt replaced? Yes

110-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s): I honestly don’t know if I have a best friend

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~~~~~~~~~~Relationships

111-The last person you hugged? A friend last week because it was her birthday

112-Who was your first kiss with? Some guy I went to high school with

113-Do you like kissing in public? I have never done that, but probably not

114-Have you ever kissed someone older than you? No

115-You have a preference for boys or girls? Technically ace, but boys

116-Is the male or female body closest to perfection? I’m more attracted to men

117-Do you believe in love at first sight? I think it could happen

118-Do you believe in soul mates? It’s possible

119-What is your idea of the perfect date? Idc as long as I’m spending time with the person

120-Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend: The only people I’ve ever actually fantasized about are YouTubers so...

121-What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Usually the way they present themselves (are they angry, happy, relaxed, easy going, etc.)

122-Are looks important in a relationship? Not the most important, but they help

123-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? I don’t mind if someone has not had braces, but if their teeth are REALLY bad then that’s kind of a turn off

124-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? I can’t go more than 10 years

125-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Probably not

126-Five guys/girls whom you find attractive: Dan Howell, Phil Lester, Shayne Topp, Damien Haas, Tyler Scheid

127-Do you have a crush on anyone? No

128-A description of the girl/boy you like: I don’t like anyone

129-Say 1 fact about the person your like: I don’t like anyone

130-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Cool...

131-When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Never done it

132-Do you think someone has feelings for you? Haha nope

133-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Haha nope

134-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? No

135-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? No

136-Anyone you’re giving up on? No

137-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes

138-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No

139-Have you ever liked one of your best friends? No

140-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Lol nope

141-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? No

142-Is there someone you will never forget? Probably the dude I kissed

143-Say five ways to win your heart: Be authentic/yourself, don’t hide things from me, accept that I’m not perfect and have bad days, accept that I need to be alone a lot, know that I will test whether I can trust you by talking about weird things

144-What turns you on? A really nice smile

145-What turns you off? If you come off as a douchebag or if you don’t look like you take care of yourself (poor taste in clothes, smell bad, etc.)

146-What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Go somewhere with me that I consider extremely nerdy or weird for most people

147-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Idk

148-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Idk

149-Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Have you had one written for you? No

150-What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Yesterday I gave some encouraging words to someone who’s been through a lot lately

151-Are you in love? No

152-Are you in a relationship? No

153-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Don’t have one

154-Are relationships ever worth it? I think they can be

155-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No

156-Can you commit to one person? Yes

157-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes

158-Do you ever want to get married? I’m not forcing it but if I meet the right person then sure why not

159-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I honestly have no idea, I can see myself as either

160-Future names of your children: I don’t have any bc I don’t want kids

161-Do you get jealous easily? Yes

162-The last time you felt jealous, and why? I’m usually jealous of someone who I believe is a better dancer than myself

163-What is your definition of cheating? Actively pursuing someone else

164-Have you ever been cheated on? No

165-Do you forgive betrayal? Never been betrayed, but my guess is no

166-Have you ever cheated on someone? No

167-Why did your last relationship fail? Never been in one

168-Things you want to say to an ex: I don’t have an ex

169-A description of the person you dislike the most: I have a lot of people I don’t like, I don’t think I can pick just one

170-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I don’t have one

171-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Zero

172-How long was your longest relationship? Never had one

173-You’ll love me if… Idk

174-Share a relationship story: Don’t have one

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~~~~~~~~~~Music, movies and books

175-How often do you listen to music? All. The. Time.

176-What kind of music you like? All kinds except most rap and country

177-Do you like to dance? I fucking love it

178-What was the first concert/show you attended? I don’t remember

179-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Yes

180-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past: Currently listening to Doctor’s In by Pond, which reminds me of a field trip I took about a month ago

181-A song that’s been stuck in your head: I don’t think I have one stuck in my head right now!

182-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play: Remedy by Little Boots, Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North, Test Drive from How to Train Your Dragon, Fine. by Carah Faye, Run Run Run by Dragonette, Exogenesis Symphony Part 2 by Muse, Mr. Saxobeat by Alexandra Stan, Concerto in F from An American in Paris, Information Overload by Grabbitz and Pierce Fulton, When I’m Away by The Colourist

183-A book you want to read/have recently read: I haven’t read lately and can’t think of one that I want

184-Describe your dream library: Idk

185-Last movie you just watched: I don’t remember

186-Do you like watching what type of movies? I don’t really like movies but if I had to pick, documentaries

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~~~~~~~~~~Situations and crazy things

187-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done? Not interested in tattoos, but if I had to pick it would probably have something to do with either wildlife or Australia

189-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for? Internet stalking

190-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be? Idk

191-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to? My parents

192-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? This is morbid, but I would be born as someone else

193-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why? Idk

194-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? Sophomore year of college

195-You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy? Idk

196-If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like? Idk

197-What is the first curse word that comes to mind? Fuck

198-What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be… I went to a birthday party last week, idk when the next one will happen

199-Halloween costume idea? This coming Halloween I’m currently thinking of going as a koala

200-What are you supposed to be doing right now? Studying lol

201-Currently wanting to see anyone? Parents in a couple weeks!

202-Why you follow me? I don’t? I literally just found this survey somewhere

203-If you met me what would you do? Idk who you are

204-Leave me a ridiculous question: Who are you?

205-Leave me a cute message: Idk

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~~~~~~~~~~Opinions and beliefs

206-Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now? Empty rn

207-Do you believe in fate/destiny? Certain aspects, yes

208-What you wish for on 11:11? I don’t wish for anything

209-Do you consider yourself lucky? What’s your good luck charm? I do consider myself lucky at times, I don’t have one

210-Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? Yes

211-What is your religion, if any? Technically Christian (idk what type), though I don’t actively practice Christianity

212-Would you go against your moral code for money? No

213-What’s more important to you: strength of the body or strength of the mind? Mind

214-How important you think education is? Very important

215-If you were the president, what would you do? Get rid of capitalism

216-If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? Capitalism

217-Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial? Idk

218-If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Celebrate (lmfao I know that’s crude but I have depression)

219-Which movie character do you most identify with and why? Idk

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~~~~~~~~Feelings and Others

220-Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? I am quite the procrastinator if I’m not interested in the task, otherwise I’ll do it ASAP

221-Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance: No thank you

222-Say 5 things you love unconditionally: Kind of running out of steam to answer this

223-What motivates you in life? I’m not gonna die anytime soon so I should do something useful (sorry that was also crude)

224-Something that you’re proud of: I’ve accomplished some good things

225-Five words/phrases that make you laugh: Dingus, dingleberry, twat, meme, dank

226-Share the story of something that makes you smile: Whenever I see a new YouTube video that I know I HAVE to watch

227-Something you always think “what if…” about: What if I wasn’t abandoned at birth and not adopted

228-What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that? Thought I’d enjoy seeing a show at the Sydney Opera House, then I fainted while on a tour of the venue so I can never go inside the building again (seeing it from outside is ok)

229-Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life: I MAJORLY MAJORLY offended someone (in Australia nonetheless) a couple months ago

230-Something/someone that you miss: My house

231-Are you over your past? Nope and I probably never will be

232-What is your saddest memory? Idk I’ve had a lot

233-One of the hardest moments in your life: Dealing with my parents when they’re acting like children

234-Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? YES

235-What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about? Idk

236-What was your most embarrassing moment? Falling into a split from slipping on stage during a rehearsal

237-Share one of your fears/insecurities: Very insecure about my appearance and being adopted

238-Something you’re currently worrying about: If I’m gonna pass my final exams

239-Have you done something you regret very much? Yes

240-If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be? Idk I’ve done a lot that I regret

241-Does anyone hate you? Probably

242-Do you hate anyone? Yes

243-Are you good at hiding your feelings? For the most part yes, but I do have outbursts (that smack myself about later)

244-What’s something you hide about your personality? I fake being social enough that people don’t think I grew up sheltered

245-How do you approach social situations? See above

246-Are you a social or an antisocial person? Very antisocial

247-Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Very introverted

248-Do you care if people talk badly about you? Yes but I know I shouldn’t give a shit

249-How do you deal with criticism? I’ll rant to my mom, or just bottle up my feelings

250-How you hope your future will be like? I just hope I’ll be happier than I currently am

251-What’s something that scares you about the future? Idk wtf I want to do with myself

252-Five items you lust after: Electronics, enough said

253-One thing you’re excited for: My parents to come back to Australia so I can leave this shitty university and go traveling again

254-Describe the most terrifying/strangest/beautiful dream you’ve ever had: I’ve had dreams about giving birth, and I once had a dream that I was going to have sex but I woke up while I was in the middle of foreplay

255-Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Not fictional, but I have had crushes on celebs

256-Who is your celebrity crush? I’ve gone through a lot of people, but it’s currently Damien Haas

257-Make a confession: I need to study, help pls

#about me