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crmsnmth-journal · 1 month

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3/20/2024 10:41 PM

Goddamn, I love Bettie. She was in tonight for a while and her and I got to talking while I had a cigarette. I've known her and loved for years, but never really all that much about her. She'll forever be my favorite old lady. She always knows what movie is on my shirt, and that always makes me smile. I 99% of the shirts I actually wear are all horror movie related. I guess her daughter passed away, and I remind her of her. I don't care if I'm male at the moment, that made me happy. I knew Bettie always had a soft spot for me, and for the longest time I couldn't figure it out, but to know that's why she took to me back in the day is a heartwarming feelings. And she tipped me a ten for a ten dollar order. Privately. Which is awesome. She told me I can't use it for "boozing." I laughed and told her I was sober and we ended up talking about that for a bit. I would do just about anything for Bettie.

It was busy for the first hour or so, but slowed down to practically nothing for the last hour. Sherry was more scatter brained then normal. There was a couple moments tonight where I stepped into the soundproof void of the cooler and just screamed. I mean, she was following the tickets, but she was trying to slide into my side of the kitchen. Every once in awhile we get a shift like that and she just drives me nuts. I don't know if she thinks she's being helpful or what, but is far from it. I guess I shouldn't complain so much about it. All my whining does nothing but aggravate me more and I'm kind of sick of always being on the verge of anger. I swear my teeth are cracking from how often I clench my jaw.

My mom called me tonight while I was at work. To yell at me about two things I had no idea of anything about. I hate answering the phone at work, and usually won't answer, but I had a few seconds and every so often, she calls to check up on things. Basically, just aks about stuff around the house and other blah blah blah crap. And she checks up on my mental state. Just to make sure I'm going manic/hypomanic or into depression. She always tries to be subtle, but she never can quite pull it off. It's out of love, so I don't mind answering "Are you doing ok? Taking your meds?" a few times a month. I shouldn't have because she's on the warpath. Madder at my brother then she was with me, but I just got the brunt of it. Mainly cause Alex never answers his phone, and I happened to be next in line. The youngest brother is the golden child right now. My biggest issue with this is that My ex (The really awful abusive codependent horror story of a relationship. Funnily enough, it was also my longest one) used to call me constantly at work, and because of her I lost one job, and almost lost three others. And my mom knew that and knew how upsetting it was to constantly have negativity shoved in my ear, and then goes around and does exactly what my ex did. I hope it just didn't occur to her that I was at work.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts

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therealxanya · 1 month

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The wind blew cold as a small group of mercenaries moved swiftly through the night. Young men, too scared to talk. The only sound they made was the crunch of their boots on the soft snow. Suddenly, the sound of their footsteps multiplied tenfold. The spoken silence broke with a blood-curdling scream from the back of the group. The unit spun around in time to see a horde of undead coming towards them. “Move, move, move. Head to the bunker.” their commander shouted. About ten meters in front of them stood a large metal box, and behind them a group of about fifty brain-hungry zombies. “Hilith, Caldwell, Grendel, hold ‘em off while we get the injured inside.”

Three young men, no older then nineteen turned to face their commander, the spoke in unity “Yes Sir!” Their voices cracked as panic filled their lungs. Turning, they opened fire on the horde. A moment passed and more and more zombies appeared. In between the sound of zombies and the whiz of bullets, the sound of a voice cried out “Good luck men.” followed by a slam as the metal bunker doors shut.

The three men looked at each other, their AK’s and secondaries completely out of bullets. One man, Hendrick Grendel, dropped his weapons and rushed back to the doors, slamming his fists against them. Blood began to run from his hands, the smell drew the horde in. They rushed to him, bypassing Hilith and Caldwell. “We have a chance, let's try to get to safety.” said Caldwell as the zombies ran past. “But what about him?!” Hilith cried back, “We should help.”

“No time, the monsters won’t be distracted for long, and more are on their way. We need to head back to base, there are guns and food there. This way, come on, it’s not far.”

They ran for about thirty minutes, staying off the main roads, and dodging zombie hordes on the way. Eventually, they came to a large military base.

It was completely void of life, dead bodies riddled the yard, turning the white snow red with blood. “We don’t know how many of ‘em is in here so let’s try to keep it down,” Caldwell whispered. “Let’s find a good place to rest for the night, we’ve been on our feet all day, I can’t take this for much longer.” Hilith whispered back. They walked around for a bit before they found a locker room, after going through everything they both sunk down against a wall. Hilith pulled off his helmet and let his brown hair fall in front of his green eyes. His face was covered in dirt, sweat, and blood. “You know, I never thought I’d die like this man.” He said with an exhausted smile. “Oi, don’t be like that Leo,” said Caldwell; refilling their guns with the ammo they found, he continued, “we’ll get out of here... eventually.”

“You and your positive attitude Reiden, I think that was the only thing keeping the unit together through all this.”

“Nonsense, you’re the one who kept going back to save the others, without you we’d of never gotten to the bunker.”

“Yeah, like that did us much good, those sleazebags left us out here to die. We’re expendable to ‘em, they could’ve kept those doors open a little longer if they really wanted to.”

“Eh, we’ve always been expendable, you know that. Everyone on unit Zulu was. We just happen to be the unlucky ones at the back of the group.”

“You’re right about that one.” Leo took a deep sigh and stood up, “Get some rest man, I’ll guard the door for a bit, tomorrow we’ll find a better place, somewhere easier to defend. We may not survive, but we sure can try.”

The men took turns sleeping the rest of the night. When morning came so did the zombies. Leo woke to the sound of gun fire and his friend yelling, “We gotta get outta here man, grab what you can and get to the stairs, I’ll try to hold ‘em back!!!” Leo grabbed two backpacks with ammo and food and his gun. When they managed to get out of, the room they fled to the yard. “We need to get to the eastern stairwell,” Reiden shouted as they fought against the oncoming hordes of zombies. “There's a balcony with only one entrance, easy to defend.” They continued forward, killing what they could while they rushed to the eastern stairwell. After a few minutes they could see it. The blood-stained handrails called them to safety. Only a few feet away.

“Reiden. I’m out of ammo, toss me your pistol.” Reiden turned and tossed his Remington to Leo. Right when he caught it, it miss-fired. Leo’s body went limp, blood dripped from a small hole in the middle of his head. Reiden gasped as he saw his friend fall to the ground. Fear struck him as he turned on his heels. He made a dash for the stairs, managing to make it up them in the nick of time. At the top of the stairs, he shot down zombies one by one.

After a few minutes he reached his last mag and emptied it in a matter of moments. It was over, he had no more bullets. The zombies kept coming. Reiden moved to the back of the balcony and collapsed to the ground, ready for it all to end. The clouds above began to shed tears of white. The snow fell to the ground, covering everything it touched. Reiden tried to block out the sound of the zombies and the feeling of his flesh getting ripped apart. He focused on the peaceful sounds of the wind and the feel of the cold snow on his face. He thought back to all those he saved and the ones he didn’t, a silent tear slid down his grime-covered face. The faces of those he had lost beckoned him from beyond the grave.

#writing #story ideas #author

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rule-of-rose · 2 years

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top 5 months of the year!

So! Here we go! Going to add a little reason why I chose the month I did, for fun.

1. March.

I was born in March, enough said. I also really enjoy the feeling it gives me. Like, Spring is arriving, and I have grown older.

2. May.

May I not explain this to you? All bad jokes aside, it feels like I come to life in May, and that everything is going to be ok.

3. January.

Something new has just begun, can't you feel it? The bitter chill of the air, impromptu snow storms, skin frozen pale. Welcome to the new year.

4. October.

Despite my age, I still go trick or treating. I get free candy, and I get to dress up, what else is there not to love? Speaking of that, I need a costume idea for this year!

5. July.

I always seem to fall ill in the month of July, I can't quite fathom why!

#ask #asks #ak's asks #ak screams into the void

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amaraudermind · 1 year

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the temptation to add a comment on ak!jason on my wishlist that just says catboy<3

#the void screams #arkham knight #jason todd #this is mostly autisticredhood's fault i cannot unsee catboy ak and now i am just 'catboy<3'#that would NOT go over well on my public wishlist that half of my family looks at for every holiday that they get me gifts for however #but the temptation exists #having to update the list again and have decided that if i have to make a wishlist i might as well fill it with action figures<3 #i always love getting new ones #anyway

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plasticnightmaredoll · 3 years

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This is an idea/scenario I’ve had for a good while now pertaining to Arkham Knight Riddler. I don’t know if it’s any good -- it may be too “fluffy” to be in character -- but I wanted to write it down and get it out there, see what people think. Ironically, the idea came from a similar one involving Telltale Riddler, and I may post that one someday, too, but this AK Riddler one is...very different. Different in regards to a lot of headcanons, imagines, drabbles, etc. about him.

So, the scenario is like this: Someone wants to fuck with this poor guy -- not Batman, not one of the Bat family, not even one of the Gotham Rogues. It could be some random new villain, someone who is maybe more sadistic than any of the Rogues (save for Joker). I thought about this antagonist kidnapping AK Eddie’s s/o and holding them hostage …

But with a twist.

Catwoman has nothing to do with this because she’s not evil, but I thought about the explosive collar Riddler put on her in Arkham Knight, and what if this antagonist -- to really mess with Eddie -- decides to put such a collar on his s/o? And Riddler has to show up and complete some tasks (dangerous puzzles and riddle-based traps most likely), or else, his s/o loses their head.

Of course, Eddie shows up because he’s panicking. This was never supposed to happen! Nothing was supposed to happen to his s/o. This is beyond anything Batman had ever done. This is so sinister, so vile, so abhorrent, Eddie can’t even begin to comprehend it. At first, he bargains, offering money, tech, robots, his hacking skills -- even offers himself up to wear the collar instead because he can’t take the sight of his beloved wearing something that could blow their head right off, right in front of him, and leave him emotionally and mentally broken for life.

But the antagonist doesn’t want to bargain, even when Eddie begs -- like, really begs to the point of tears, asking for mercy and pleading with the antagonist to let his s/o go free. They have nothing to do with any of Eddie’s work. They’re innocent, and they’re too important to him! He can’t let this happen!

The begging amuses the antagonist but once again, it’s not enough. Eddie has to do the challenges, and if he completes them all correctly, the collar comes off. If he messes up, then his s/o dies. Eddie reassures his s/o that everything will be just fine, he’s got this under control, they’ll be out of trouble in no time so don’t be afraid.

It’s difficult to not be afraid when you have a bomb around your neck and a sadistic psychopath with the trigger. As bad as Eddie can be, he’s not THIS malevolent. He has some humanity left in him. But this person, they’re just out there to make him suffer because it’s “entertaining” to watch him squirm.

As you know, by this point in his life, Eddie is very mentally unstable and could have a mental breakdown if pushed even just a little too far. His s/o is the only thing keeping him grounded, the only reason he has to keep his sanity (or what’s left of it), and this is the only person who has ever cared for him despite the fact he knows he’s not worth it. If he loses his beloved, then what would he have left? There would be no recovery from such a thing.

So, Eddie completes the challenges, although he is internally freaking out the entire time, partly because he doubts himself and partly because he has no idea if the antagonist will just press the trigger and kill Eddie’s s/o without warning. By the time Eddie is done, he’s a nervous wreck and on the verge of a breakdown, but he hopes that, by enduring all this, by letting this person watch him squirm, sweat, beg, cry, and panic, that maybe it’s enough to end this madness without his s/o dying.

But the antagonist doesn’t care that Eddie completed all the tasks. In the end, it’s about making Eddie suffer horribly because watching a nearly broken man finally break -- shatter -- is the point of all this. So, the collar has a 30 second timer set, and as it counts down, Eddie obviously freaks out, hyperventilating as he tries to plead once again for his s/o’s life, offering himself up again in their place, and yet, it’s not enough (kind of reminding him how he was never enough for his father, even if he agonized over pleasing him). The antagonist just laughs at Eddie’s mental breakdown and tells him he better use the remaining time to say goodbye. And no funny business. If Eddie or his s/o attempt to remove or disarm the collar, then it will detonate.

Eddie’s s/o, despite being terrified does their best to put on a brave face and they tell him it’s ok, it’s not his fault, just don’t look, look away, it will all be over soon, he has to keep going for them...Eddie doesn’t know what to do, and seeing as he now has 10 seconds left, he does the only thing he feels he can and should do, and he grabs his s/o despite their protests and holds them tight, crying and saying over and over how sorry he is, he’s so sorry.

And the timer reaches zero on the collar.

There’s a soft click.

Then nothing.

No explosion.

The antagonist bursts out laughing, confessing that the “bomb” is a dud, was never going to explode, and since both Eddie and his s/o were too distressed to think all this through, they never even considered this as a possibility. The collar has been unlocked and Eddie’s s/o just kind of sinks to their knees in complete shock, and he can’t believe what he’s seeing. At first, he’s confused, wondering if this is all some sort of twisted dream, then he’s relieved because his s/o is safe, then he’s angry because what the hell was this?! He vows to get revenge on the antagonist and throws the collar away as he all but screams in rage.

Now alone, Eddie remembers his s/o is still on the floor, pale as a sheet and unresponsive. Kneeling down, he asks if they’re ok, tells them they’re ok, that this was all some sort of sick joke. When his s/o snaps out of their daze, they get mad and push him away, yelling at him for being so foolish

“You were just going to let yourself die with me?!” they demand.

“Yes!” Eddie responds, too overwhelmed to even know how to respond to this.

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“Because!”

“WHY?”

“Because I can’t go back to my old life! Not having known you! You think that I would just sink back into my old routine without a hitch? You think I would forget you? You think I’d just move on and live life normally? How could I do that? How? If I lost you, I’d have nothing, do you understand? Nothing. My life would be empty, more so than it’s ever been, and nothing could fill that void, not the way you do. No one has ever loved me, not even those who were supposed to! But you, you love me! I didn’t ask for it, and I don’t even deserve it, but you love me anyway. You make me feel valid, you make me feel like...like I exist, like I actually matter.”

His s/o is crying, and he’s crying, and they’re both going to be emotionally traumatized for a while. Sure, Eddie will get revenge but he’s also going to be having night terrors -- nightmares would be much better than what he experiences at night -- about his s/o dying in gruesome ways while is helpless to do anything. Sometimes, he won’t even be able to sleep because he doesn’t want those ghastly images in his head, and he’ll stay up holding his s/o as they (try) to sleep (they have nightmares of their own after this experience).

He has to come to terms with his first real encounter with the threat of loss, a real loss. He never cared about anyone before because no one ever cared for him. He was used to being ignored, bullied and belittled, and he always had trouble trusting others because of how he was raised. He never had friends, never thought he would need friends because, well, he never had any. Forming emotional attachments was beyond him, as he never had such a relationship with his parents, and that is the first time children are supposed to experience attachment. If your parents don’t love you, you grow up feeling unloved, alone, and don’t understand what it’s like to be close to people, so you just push everyone away and look out for yourself. It makes you selfish just as much as it makes you feel lonely.

But now, Eddie has his s/o, someone who just kind of barged into his life and stole his heart despite his best efforts to not feel anything sentimental because being vulnerable meant he could get hurt, and he didn’t like the idea of forming an attachment only to have it ripped away from him due to the other person’s betrayal. In his eyes, love equals abuse, since that’s the only kind of “love” this Eddie seems to have ever experienced.

It’s going to take a lot of time -- and patience -- for Eddie to deal with this, and he’s going to be watching his s/o like a hawk. They won’t be allowed to go anywhere alone, and definitely not at night. He’ll be very clingy, protective, maybe a little possessive but mostly protective. When he does eventually find a way to calm down, it will actually make him a stronger person emotionally, I think, because he will understand himself better, and he’ll understand the relationship he has with his s/o better. This experience has taught him -- in the most insane and unwelcomed way -- why his s/o is so vital to him, and while attachment like that is almost frightening because of the risk of loss, he doesn’t want to go back to his old life and be alone, being seen as some sort of joke by everyone in Gotham. He doesn’t want to go back to being isolated, left with only his thoughts to comfort him despite his dwindling sanity and self-esteem. He needs to have a reason to press on, and trying to be better than everyone just won’t do it anymore. He needs to be loved, loves to be loved, but is also thrilled to be able to give it in return, whatever the risks may be.

And you know the antagonist is going to be utterly destroyed by Riddlerbots. Or something. Something awful will happen to that person. We know that much.

-------------

Ugh, so let me know what you guys think! This is way out there in left field in terms of portrayal of Arkham Knight Eddie (or just Arkhamverse Eddie in general) but this idea has been stuck in my mind for so long now. Feedback is definitely encouraged and appreciated here because this is such an epic and crazy h/c. Constructive criticism is welcome. Just don’t be mean, please.

#arkham knight riddler #arkhamverse riddler #edward nigma #riddler #the riddler #edward nygma #riddler x o/c #edward nigma x o/c #riddler headcanon #riddler imagine #riddler h/c #edward nygma x oc

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foryouthegays · 3 years

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also if anyone wants me to transcribe a clip pls send an ask :) or find something :)

good laugh times: 00:40:10, 00:44:44, 00:54:30, 00:55:47 00:58:37

sellout timer: 00:30:40, 01:26:00

other things: (00:10:00 biiiiiig stretch!!!) (00:39:55 that was the most ‘skeppy tried to troll me but i trolled him first’ scream ive heard in a while a;lskdjfadl) (01:23:00 TECHNOSNEEZE TECHNOSNEEZE)

summary:

Technoblade starts the stream and finds an infinity room (a room covered in white item frames and backed with glowstone or sea lanterns, making it look like there is just Void and no end) covering his house. he removes the grief and continues his intro. While waiting for Tommy to join his VC, he finds a Zombie villager, cures it, and reads donations.

Techno and Tommy go to New L’manburg and fix one of Technos propaganda posters. They find Fundy and Ranboo and tell them that if Techno gets his sword back, he’ll help them fight the wither he’s going to spawn. He spawns the wither and runs around while Ranboo and Fundy try to kill it. He doesn’t get his sword back until a few minutes into the battle. Ranboo gives him both his sword and his axe after the Wither is killed by Punz and Fundy.

Fundy gets the Wither Star, and Techno decides that it’s rightfully owned by him. Tommy and Techno start torturing Fundy into giving them the Star. After Techno gets the star back, Tommy starts trying to get his disks back. Techno tells Tommy he’s going too far, and Fundy starts crying, and eventually dies.

Tommy and Techno start to move back to their house, and Tommy gets distracted with the idea of blowing up the community house. Techno convinces him otherwise, and eventually comes clean with his intentions and goals to destroy L’manburg. He asks Tommy to join him, and Tommy accepts.

They go to the wolf army and breed the dogs. While underground, they’re almost caught, but they run away before anyone can catch them.

Techno and Tommy talk about an eventual SBI meetup, make a beacon, and then end the stream.

loud startin the stream today!!!!! :D!!!!!! 10 sec in

oh hes actually loud today this is great his voice gets so nice when hes louder

00:00:30 ‘i’ve made a severe and continuous lapse in judgement” s;ladjfkald

00:00:50 diD HE MAKE AN INFINITY ROOM OR???? IS HE JUST????? WH AT???

oH MY GOD IT IS AN INFINITY ROOM AKSDFJALSDF IS THAT IN THE ACTUAL SMP OR????

aa;lskdfjasd someone mADE AN INFINITY ROOM A;LSDKFJASDF WHO????

00:03:00 i love how even minecraft g o d s cant remember fence gate/fence crafting recipes akdjhfald

00:04:45 ‘gUYS DON’T STAY IN SCHOOL!!!’ ‘n- no you should stay in school’ yeah, sure techno ‘collage dropout’ blade

00:05:17 ‘tommy, is this your credit card? let me read the numbers aloud, tommy’ -technos impression of tommys mom

zombie villager pog!

LISTEN TO HOW HE SAYS CONVENIENT AT 5:45 AHHH I LOVE HIM

00:07:35 why does,,,why does techno say disorientating instead of disorienting??? he says disorientating and i just,,,,,techno,,,,techno thats not the American way of saying it. also i didnt capitalize american bc of Being A Country i did it bc of Emphasis a;lksdfal

he stretch!!!!!! ten mins in

techno ate breakfast pog!!!! 00:10:30

13:00 a;lksdjfal

---

STOP MAKING TECHNO GOOD AT CHESS IN GAME HES SAID SEVERAL TIMES THAT HE IS NOT I AM GOING TO SCREAM more proof: 00:14:40 also he calls the chess board ‘the map’ and im akjsdfhkljasd

00:15:40 “i don’t think that dumb people become Minecraft youtubers, I think it’s that being a Minecraft youtuber makes you dumber.”

00:15:50 ‘i was a smart child, I was doing well in school--I mean I wasn’t doing my homework or anything but I was doing well on the tests,” a;lsdkfja

“it do be doing that” -technoblade 2021

WHY DOES HE JUST RANDOMLY KNOW CHESS OPENING NAMES IM SICK OF HIM WHY IS HE LIKE THIS I HATE IT HERE AALSDKFJASF 00:17:45 its so funny he just reads wikipedia for fun and also same

‘YOURE TALKING SOUNDS’ -tommyinnit, 19:40

00:20:05 ‘tommy, tommy, you’re speaking words, but the only universal language is sounds.’

00:23:24 “we’re going to go threaten....some certain government agents...in minecraft, since I know the FBI is listenin in on my phone right now [techno gets further from his mic and some thuds can be heard] let me just toss that over there...there we go, now they can only listen through my laptop”

00:32:17 mmmm technoyell

fundy n ranboo!!!! 00:33:50

god could u imagine knowing that technos doin a plot stream nd he joins ur call w tommy and they just???? start talking abt the canonical status of ants and new york????? such is the life of ranboo nd fundy a;lksdfjals

WITHER POG WITHER POG WITHER POG WITHER POG 00:39:20

00:39:55 how does he make that sound im crying

HE LAUGH!!!!!!

a;lkdsfjasd ranboo bullying time 00:44:00

god could u imagine being a fan of the dream smp, joining and ur surrounded by all these people uve looked up too, and then they start bulling you?? such is the life of ranboo

torture time!!! 00:46:15, its to get back the star :D

00:50:45 its lowkey terrifying how techno calls torturing fundy to tears ‘the good times’ and laughs while tommy interrogates him. i love it, but also im scared of him. still an apologist. he needs his stuff back!

also like,,,,,techno telling tommy he went too far? terrifying. if techno says you went too far, thats saying something

HE LAUGH!!!!

HE LAUGH AGAIN!!!

my favorite part of techno tommy interactions is how technoll say like, a metaphor or smthin nd tommy just,,,,,,,, ‘yeAHHH BITCH’ its so funny. a good example is 00:56:00:

techno: if you want to make an omlette, you’ve gotta break a few eggs

tommy: yeaaahhhh!! break eggs and bitch!

techno: ....what?

its so funny to me ak;dfjlasjf

and like, their rambles are COMPLETELY different. techno does most of his hopping around in his head and talks about it once he’s figured out what he should do, and tommy just says things out loud without thinking its hilarious

and like, in game, techno is a LOT more calculated than people think. when tommy tries to get techno to blow up the community house, techno has to rein him back in because ‘i’m all for violence, but we need a plan.’ and ‘how would blowing up the community house get your discs back??’ he’s a lot more organized than most of his teammates nd i love it

but like,,,sometimes techno just Says things and its great. 00:57:20 ‘the only dirt we have on dream is his dirt shack, amirite? [claps] gottem. he’s homeless!! eyyyy. lmao.’

00:58:20 is good. also skyblock is canon now.

01:06:50 SBI MEETUP SBI MEETUP

also ‘i dont know about smiling, but’ a;ldkfjadls;fjasf

i love tommy nd techno just kinda vibing

01:16:30 ‘mmmm audience retention rate....mmmm ants’ aldkfja this stream is so dumb i love it

dID TECHNO USE THEY/THEM FOR ERET AT 01:20:55 OR WAS THAT A GENERAL ‘EVERYONE ELSE’ THEY

1:23:00ish TECHNOSNEEZE

A;LSDKFJAS LIKE AN HOUR AFTER GETTING HIS SWORD BACK HE REALZIES HE HAS IT BACK HES SUCH A NERD 01:24:45

he sounds V tired rn a;lsdkfjkasdf

STREAM TOMORROW TOO??? P O G

#stream post

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thewhitehotspotlight · 3 years

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Dean sits on the floor, the chill of the concrete seeping into his clothes, and cries. Presses the heels of his hands- the ones that had been rebuilt by an angel and been used as weapons again and again and again and- to his eyes as if he can scrub the scene from his memory.

He can’t look up and see the empty room again. The room distinctly missing Cas from the center of it.

His shoulder burns.

(Why would Cas have been in the middle of the room? He wasn’t in the room.)

He’s on his feet, staring at the angel in the middle of the room, who stares back at him with tears in his eyes.

(That wasn’t right. He’d warded the room, Cas hadn’t been able to get in. Dean had only been able to hear him pounding at the door, his frantic voice muffled through the thick metal and wood. Dean had-)

“I love you.”

Dean finds himself shoved aside again, the cloth of a familiar coat slipping through his fingers as he falls.

The Empty comes, thick and cloying and very smug for something that feels literally nothing. And Cas is gone, again.

(Again? He frowns.)

Light flashes and he’s one his feet again (again?), turning to stare at the angel in the middle of the room, who-

Dean blinks. He’s seeing double.

One Castiel stands in front of him, face beatific and agonized.

Another Castiel stands a few steps behind him, eyes wild as he meets Dean’s gaze over his own shoulder. His mouth moves like he’s shouting, but Dean can’t hear him over the booming steps down the hall and the first Castiel’s voice.

He doesn’t have to hear him to understand.

Dean!

He is shoved aside and falls, helpless to watch as the empty comes again (again?). But the other Castiel watches too, horror on his face as he watches his own death.

Dean presses the heels of his hand to his eyes.

(Something is off, here. But he can’t see or hear anything past the overwhelming grief, he is drowning in it, can’t move, can’t speak, can’t-)

Dean, you need to wake up!

He jerks his head up, turning around to look at the angel in the center of the room and the second one who stands behind him.

The second Castiel abruptly steps forward, cutting himself off from whatever he’d been about to say. He reaches out and grips Dean by the shoulder’s.

“Dean, you need to wake up,” He voice sounds like it’s coming from very far away despite him standing right there. “this is a dream. You just need to think, remember, please-”

(That’s not how it’s supposed to go, Dean thinks.)

The Empty comes anyway and Dean lays on the floor, devastation fresh anew.

(But that’s wrong, he thinks, staring at the empty floor. It didn’t take Cas, it-)

He turns to face the angel in the middle of the room and stops.

“Cas wasn’t here.” He says slowly, trying to put something back together. The room had been empty, just himself and his bad ideas.

Before the image/s of Castiel can speak or push him aside, Dean makes a break for the door. He manages to get a hand on the handle before he’s wrenched back.

“No!” He yells.

But Cas confesses again and is gone again and Dean sits and-

(Remember.)

(Dean had run into the room, slamming the door shut and jamming an angelic ward against it before Castiel can follow him. He can hear the thump of Cas’s hand against the door, his voice sounding in confusion. Dean swallows the lump in his throat.

“Sorry.” He whispers, before setting to work as fast as he can.

He can hear Cas get louder and more frantic behind the door, the thudding footsteps behind him. The door breaks down as the Empty and Billie come.

Dean can only stare at the angel in the middle of the room, who stares back at him with tears in his eyes as the thick black ooze covers him.

Castiel stands alone in an empty room, void of Dean Winchester, and falls to his knees.)

Dean turns around to face the angel in the center of the room and bolts past him to the door, wrenching himself out of his grip.

He makes it to the door, manages to yank it open, only to find Castiel crumpled on the floor. He blinks up at Dean and Dean reaches a hand down to pull him up.

“If this is a dream, get me out.” Dean says. Cas nods.

“Dean,” he says seriously. “wake up.”

(The door slams.)

Dean stares at the angel in the middle of the room and realizes, suddenly, that the angle is wrong. It’s his fifth, thirtieth, millionth time in this scene, this memory, and he is struck suddenly with the knowledge that it isn’t his.

This is followed by remembering that there is only one other being in the universe that shares this memory with him. He swears, then runs as soon as the Cas-that-isn’t-Cas turns his shining eyes towards him.

He gets to the door and through it to the other Castiel in the hall, crumpled on the floor, hand raised from pounding hopelessly against the wood and metal. (Dean has been reliving Castiel’s memory, he thinks, but Cas has been forced to listen to his own words over and over and over... To Dean’s silence again and again.) Dean doesn’t know how much time he has before it resets again, so he acts on instinct.

Cas looks up at him, eyes still wide and teary, and Dean inelegantly tackles him to the floor in a bear hug. He squeezes his eyes shut as they roll, once, twice...

(They are falling.)

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and hangs on to Cas’ suddenly limp weight in his arms. He can feel the ends of his trench coat flapping against his own legs as they spin through the air.

They don’t land so much as just suddenly stop.

Dean opens his eyes to thick darkness. He can feel Cas in his arms and he adjusts them awkwardly as he sits up. Nothing happens for a long moment.

“I know you’re there, asshole.” Dean calls finally. “But guess what? You don’t get to have him. He’s coming home, you here me?”

The Empty doesn’t answer.

And what makes you worthy to have him? The oil-slick thought comes from within his own mind and around him. To renege on the deals of angels for them?

Dean squares his jaw. Hefts said angel more securely in his grip.

“It’s not about what I think, it’s what he thinks.”

The oppressive darkness suddenly lifts slightly, a darker patch than the rest peeling away from the rest in a vaguely humanoid shape. The darkness lifts enough that Dean can make out Cas’ slack face. He looks almost peaceful in his sleep.

“Annoying, the both of you.” The Empty’s voice lacks any kind of reverberation. The sound carries exactly as far as it needs to before dropping dryly out of existence. “Prove your worth and leave or stay and be nothing.”

(Everything you did, you did for love. echoes in his brain.)

“Fine.” Dean says. He plants himself on his knees, ready to gather Cas in his arms and run any moment he needs.

The Empty waves a lack of hand and vanishes back into itself.

Nothing happens for a beat.

Then Cas jerks in his arms, eyes opening wide and unseeing, mouth opening in a silent scream at whatever he sees in his Empty memories.

“Cas!” Dean almost loosens his grip as Castiel doubles over as if in pain.

He wrenches backwards, nearly toppling them, and suddenly Dean isn’t clutching at the familiar body, but a deer. It’s wide form kicks and the horns on it’s head catch at his back. Dean buries his face in the soft fur, the same deep brown as Cas’, and hangs on.

The deer becomes a block of ice, cold and burning and heavy, melting and sticking to him. Dean hangs on with numb hands.

(For love, for love, for love, he thinks.)

The ice to a burning sword, a swarm of bees, a towering beam of light, an empty coat, slick feathers that beat at him- Dean clutches them all to his chest. He doesn’t remember if he screams, if he burns, if he chants in tongues.

He holds on.

And then he falls, tumbling down through nothing.

The first thing Castiel is aware of is a familiar voice. It takes a moment to reorganize his ears to understanding the language being spoken, which seems to be mostly curses.

“-ddamn self-sacrificing sonofa bastard, you absolute dumbass, you don’t get to-”

His chest burns and there’s a strange, familiar thudding in his ears. He feels... heavy.

“-ake up, you asshole.” There’s a suddenly impact on his chest and Castiel gasps involuntarily. The burn in his chest starts to subside.

Oh, he thinks blearily, breathing.

He blinks his eyes open, squinting up from where he’s lying on the floor. He blinks again and the fuzzy figure nearly kneeling on top of him comes into focus.

“Hello, Dean.” He manages. Dean stares at him for a moment.

“You’re such a dick!” He yells abruptly, his hands gripping Castiel’s shoulders tightly. “Don’t you ever pull that kind of shit again, ever, you hear? Nearly killed me the last damn time you did it and you think you can just say that kind of shit and get away with leaving forever?”

Castiel can feel him trembling, shaking where their bodies touch. He lifts a clumsy hand and presses it to Dean’s cheek. Dean stops yelling abruptly and freezes, staring at him.

After a beat, Dean lifts a hand and covers Cas’, eyes falling shut as he holds Cas’s palm to his cheek. Cas absently swipes a thumb to brush away tears from his dear face. When had he started crying?

“Why are you... crying?” He asks, befuddled.

“Because-” Dean tries to channel his anger, but his voice simply cracks over emotion instead. “because I thought I’d lost you for good this time, idiot.”

“Oh.” Cas says softly, throat dry. Dean opens his eyes and looks at him, hard.

“You said you think I do every stupid thing in my life for love, right?”

Castiel nods. His head is heavy. Dean’s other hand slides from his shoulder to support the back of his head, pulling him up to sit facing each other.

He carefully watches Dean’s face- the corner of his jaw works as he looks at Cas, eyes jumping around his face like he can’t look at one spot for too long. His lips part as if he’s going to speak several times before he just sighs, coming to some kind of decision.

His fingers card through the hair at the back of Cas’s head, gently pulling his forward as Dean leans in. He pauses a moment before, eyes searching Castiel’s. Cas stares back at him, waiting, breath caught.

His eyes fall shut as Dean kisses him gently, clumsily, as if he’s worried about hurting him. Cas can’t help but smile, his hand sliding from Dean’s cheek to rest loosely on the side of his throat. He can feel the fine muscle there under his fingers as Dean goes to move back, is easily able to most to the nape of his neck and pull him back firmly.

He doesn’t know how long they sit there, kissing softly, hands lingering in an almost disbelief of each other being there, being allowed to touch. Castiel eventually blinks his eyes open again when Dean pulls him closer into a tight hug, shoulder shaking under his secure grip. Cas hooks his chin over Dean’s solid shoulder as Dean buries his face in his neck, taking shuddering breaths, damp and warm and alive against his collarbones.

Eventually the cool concrete under them sinks into their legs, the discomfort marginally outweighing being able to hold each other.

Dean groans and pulls them up. Cas staggers, legs strangely numb, and Dean easily slides an arm around his waist to support him as they stand.

“C’mon, Sam’s gonna have a fit when he finds out what I did.” Dean says.

Cas almost stops him- they need to talk, he wants to understand, but at the same time he does. Dean glances sideways at him. His face softens.

“We’ll, uh, we can talk when you don’t look like you’re going to get blown over by a stiff breeze, Cas.”

Cas nods. Good enough for now.

They hang onto each other as they stagger out of the room, leaving it behind.

#spn fic #destiel #destiel fic #deancas #deancas fic #out of my system beGONE

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