#actually maybe thats just the depression letting off for a moment | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thequietkid-moonie · 2 years

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I love your work! , It's Amazing! You're a great writer.

If i'm not bothering you May i request an headcanon for Jack the ripper and Tesla with a depressed s/o?

Feel free to decline the request

Jack and Tesla with a depressed S/O

[ HEADCANONS ] [ Jack the Ripper, Nikola Tesla ]

[ Shuumatsu no Valkyrie / Records of Ragnarok ]

⚠️ TW: depression, mention of self-harm

Ok, first off all thank you so much for your words dear! Thats make me feel a lot better about my writing 🥺

Sorry for make you wait! And don't worry, you're not bothering at all, you request come in a good time because I need comfort too. I hope you like it and makes you feel comforted! Don't forget to take care of yourself!! ❤️

Jack the Ripper

It hurt him seeing you feeling so bad, your a really special person you should bright with beautiful colors. Jack know no one can he happy all the time, but you shouldn't feel like this

Jack had encounter the worst of this world since he was a kid, so if there is someone to blame for you feeling this way, he will make sure to end their life nobody mess with his beloved

If you're the type to try to hide it behind a smile thats not going to work with him, he can see your true colors with his right eye, but will respect your decision of hiding it and for a while will just give you some hints that he knows and you don't have to hide it, he is here to help you recover your beautiful colors, even if take all his life he won't give up on you and neither leave you alone

The day you open up to Jack about you depression he listen carefuly all you say, and after he promise you that he will help you with whatever he can, he even suggest getting profesional help (if you're not taking it already, thats it)

He will never make you feel you guilty or bad for feeling like this, he knows you can't helped, instead he will help you at the best of his habilities

If Jack ever hear you make a self-depracation comment/joke he will inmediatly deny it, reassuring you that you're not such thing and offer you to talk about it (if you want)

We know Jack is a gentelman, but he will be even more gentle and sweet with you (specialy in the worst days)

Whenever you get a really bad day (or just need comfort) he will cook your favorite/comfort food (he may not be the best cook, but will try for you), and will offer you to cuddle while he reads for you to comfort you (he won't mind if you fall sleep), embracing you like he's hiding you from the rest of the world

He's always up to heard you vent or just talk to distract yourself

If you ever self-harm or have past scars he will make sure to take proper care of your wounds while reassuring you that he's not mad and you don't have to feel ashame for this. After he will give you sweet kisses (if you let him of course) and offer you anything you want for comfort (maybe some tea or some cuddles)

He's afraid of losing you, and at some point he will expressed it to you, but will remember you that he's by your side and won't leave you alone on this!

Nicolas Tesla

This take him off guard, this man isn't really used to this kind of situation (he's not really a social person), but he's smart (and loves you a lot) so he inmediatly research all he can about the topic and how to help you

He probably don't enteraly understand what are you feeling, sure he felt lonely sometimes, but not at the extent of depression, so he will prefer to talk to you directly about it (but will be patient and wait if theres something you're not ready to talk about)

If you're the type to hide it with a smile it will take him a while to actually notice it, but the moment he do Tesla get really worried and tell you right away that you shouldn't hide it

If you need to vent he's open to listen. He even offer you to try something to vent, like writing, building something or even destroying something

Now he get the personal goal to invent something that will help you out, something that will make your life easier or just something that will make you happy

He knows pretty well how it feels being lonely, so he don't really likes to leave you alone, Tesla always invite you over to his lab to hang out, but if you dont want to go out he will let you his robot pigeons to keep you company

If he ever hear you make a self-depracation comment/joke he will inmediatly ask you why do you say/think that about yourself, and deny it with compliments

If you need to distract yourself he will rant about his new theory/invention. Also, whenever he manage to makes you smile (or even laugh) with this he will feel so proud of himself! This give him a lot motivation to continue for both of you (nothing makes him more happier that help you feel better)

If and when you have those worst days when don't feel like doing anything Tesla will take a break of his work just to take care of you and making you company. If you try to deny and make him go to do his work he inmediatly deny it No! Non! Nem! Nein! saying that you're as important as his work for him (and even more)

If you ever self-harm or have past scars he will panic a little, his priority right now is take care of it, after make sure your wounds are treated then he will talk with you about it. He's not mad just worried about you. It truly sadden him that you feel the need to do something like this, but he assurge you that he is here to help you out! There is no problem without a solution!

Tesla is afraid of losing you, but he's confident that things won't get worst, he's making sure to take care of you, and he even suggest search professional help, if you already have he offers to company you sometimes

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ravenwingdark · 17 days

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like fire, ice and explosions was soooooooooooooooooooooooo good. i… like... reading stories where shouto... loses his shit? he "deserves" that, you know what i mean? to go off the rails, either a little or a lot. he should be allowed to not be fucking okay! he should be allowed to have a reaction, and a messy reaction at that. i feel like he isn't actually allowed to do that though, in canon that is. maybe the mangaka thinks it's unnecessary but i don't think so, so i'm really glad for your story, for you letting him go through all of these feelings, for letting him react in a "messy" way. and i like how supportive is bakugou, and how bakugou he still is, like he's probably not the most comforting person ever, but maybe that's exactly why it works, with shouto at least. i wish we had had more characters reacting in "canon" to the part of dabi's speech about shouto instead of people only reacting to him as being related to dabi and all of that. i don't remember if there's even any comment about the quirk marriage thing? but, yeah, it's like people don't really say anything about what happened to shouto, even now that it's in the open and, okay, of course, shouto wouldn't want people to say anything, but like, it's weird that it doesn't happen. but anyway, that became a rant, i'm sorry, that was not what i was meaning to do.

i like pyrrhic victory too. i like the trio's dynamic in there very, very much, and the scenes of the rescue were so perfectly good. what i like the most is... probably how fitting is anamnesis's quirk to, like, shouto's entire life story? like, of fucking course that's the quirk of the person who kidnapped him, it's sort of poetic in the most disturbing way. pyrrich victory kind of makes me really depressed though. it's a whole new fucking trauma for him, and i'm not really seeing any "light at the end of the tunnel" for shouto, not at the moment anyway. it doesn't seem like shouto will ever be moderately okay again! i'm glad he slipped up in the latest published chapter and that bakugou noticed it and confronted him about that quickly and because it's bakugou i'm hoping he won't be fooled by however shouto tries to deflect from that, and then maybe there's hope yet, but i don't know. i'm not feeling that hopeful even with the "angst with a happy ending" tag. do you have the ending in mind already? how do you usually write? do you usually have everythingh planned, or you "go through the motions"?

haha thank you so much! you really touched on all the worldbuilding and inner conflict I wanted to explore in the series. Frankly, Hori just doesn’t have the time to dive so deep into every character that deserves it—mangakas have such strict schedules and a timeline they need to follow (or they may get relegated to Shounen Monthly), so a lot of the inner world of some of the secondary characters has to be implied. thats the joy of fanfic!

And yes, I do have everything in place for the ending, and almost all of it is written :) I know this ask is a bit older so maybe out of date, but at the 75% point of a story is usually the “Darkest Moment” where everything looks the worst.

In some ways, Shoto’s worse (suffering from new trauma, not trusting his own head) and in other ways he’s become more resilient—he’s got a very strong support system system, and he’s learning how to ask for help. He’s learned a lot from LFIE and the aftermath, learned to forgive Endeavor (as much as he can) and is trying to move past his trauma, though he’s 18 years old, and only a few years removed from that abuse, and def doesn’t have his life figured out

When I decided to write the sequel I did a bullet point list with each major development being numbered, then subsections. I believe it had 51 major plot moments. Since it’s a plotty casefic, I’ve pretty much adhered to The Plan with only adding extra details here and there. (Meanwhile, LFIE was seat of the pants)

And if you’re worried about a happy ending, just take a look at the title! Pyrrhic Victory—well, we’ve already gotten quite a bit of suffering, what’s left?

TYSM for such a kind, thoughtful comment, hope you enjoy the final stretch :)

#asks

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lady-ika · 2 months

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oof.mp3

age 27 with one abusive relationship under my belt and plenty of other "im pretending we're talking but really i just wanna fuck" ones and ik some people have zilch nada of either and i should be content but jesus fucking christ

age 27 and i have a giant teddy bear from a thrift store that i have to cling onto to not let the demons take over and i honestly think i just need to have a full sobbing breakdown about this stupid fucking petty shit

loneliness won't kill me bc i have good great friends and they care about me and my family are assholes but at least theyre around and im just throwing a tantrum about not having a partner.

but i could get onto dating apps-

bro either i get people im definitely not interested in or people who just wanna hook up and im not interested in it. like sometimes i think about having my hookup era but im too anxious to even really consider beyond just teasing these guys and like yeah! im bi! i could go out on dates w girls but id rather not get hatecrimed to death by my family if they ever find out

idk i tell everyone else all day that theyre lovable and deserve the love they want and deserve but like ykno that doesnt apply to myself

like i have nothing to offer and im palatable to friends but romantic partners? nah. im jealous of my married and dating and engaged friends bc i eant to spend my life with someone who actually like. wants me romantically and friends are great but i need something. romantic. idk maybe im just a jealous bitch but i want to have someone that *looks* at me, yknow?

i am not worth a passing glance and my friends say im pretty but i know im not and i wish i looked the way i wanted bc then i would be and i wouldnt look like my mom

and nobody looks at me or notices me and i have to engineer shit to look pretty enough for a picture and i just want to look like one of the xiaohongshu girls bc then i could at least enjoy myself

i exist to be a support character to never have breakdowns and only listen and just be complacent with my hand in life but i wish i could do anything but be a depressed sack of shit and take naps all day or mindlessly scroll so i dont have to feel like this

and maybe this is my hell, that i have to date a cis dude or a passing trans dude if i dont want to get hatecrimed but im so intolerable that this is my punishment that the most hopeless romantic in my friendgroup really is the most hopeless. i just want someone who'll give up or trade off on our favourite character in a game or win me carnival game prizes or somehow always find a way to touch me and won't mind if i grab their hand or will tell about this one thing they like while i work on something or like. i mean i dont have an iphone but for some reason the facetiming while falling asleep hits somehow in my brain and idk.

i feel bad telling ym friend thats never dated that i hate being 2nd choice when she hasnt ever been one but i think theyre. equally devastating. because either way you're haunted w what could have been.

im always the second person after theyve already been in love with someone else or have someone currently or a passing moment of lust or an idle what if and im sick of it

i feel like a kid looking at god or whatever force might manage us like "ive tried to be good to deserve something good i can share and im so full of love but nobody wants to share it with me"

and god just points at my adult life like "but you've been too angry and broke yourself too much" so i stay angry and broken

and alone

#ika's self pity corner

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sweetmoons · 2 years

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My opinions on the last 2 episodes but I'm a Will Byers enjoyer first and a human being second

HUGE Spoilers obviously

Okay so I'm gonna organize all of my thoughts into seperate paragraphs. First I'm gonna talk about pretty much everything that isn't Will's character then I'm gonna move on to all the Will related things because lets be honest thats what my whole blog is about.

The big sad stuff:

Let me just say uhhhhh fuck everyone that had any hand in writing Eddie's death and putting Max in a coma I hope your pillow is always warm. I went into the last 2 episodes already pretty sad about other outside stuff and I actually just cried for like 30 minutes straight because of that, my fragile mental state can't take this. I don't wanna be the "I told you so" guy but I had a feeling they were gonna kill off Eddie because for some reason each season they add at least 1 long lasting extremely likeable character then kill them off before the next season and I had a feeling Eddie was definitely gonna be the target for that cause he was just such a genuinely likeable character and chrissy wasn't around long enough for her to count as their mandatory character kill. Now is making new main characters just to ultimately kill them immediately really good writing? No. I really don't feel like killing Eddie was necessary at all, it actually didn't add much except for really depressing scenes which people will definitely be talking about so it's great for publicity but isn't really that good in terms of story telling. I truly believe in my entire heart that if Eddie lived after the scene with the bats it would've made his character even better and actually gave that moment more meaning then it currently has. If he survived it would have been a core character building moment where we see he's selfless and how he has now truly vowed to not "run away" and that could've come into play with his future storyline, now we just learned all of that for seemingly nothing and it won't really have much story impact at all outside of Dustin maybe having some flashback scenes like Nancy does for Barb occasionally. I also felt like his death scene felt kind of empty? Like absolutely don't get me wrong it was acted beautifully and I sobbed like a baby, again I just don't think it was even necessary to happen in the first place. I understand he did it to stall the bats but we see anyways that the bats didn't even pose that much of a threat as they all completely dropped dead once the main source of the hive mind was attacked. Obviously that's from a viewers perspective because Eddie didn't know that would happen so it makes sense why he would go after them, just as a viewer seeing the bats drop dead nearly immediately because of a different outside source he had absolutely nothing to do with kinda makes his sacrifice feel in vain.

Now Max's death/coma(?) I have extremely mixed feelings about. Although I hate seeing her get hurt at all because she is one of my favorite characters in the entire show I think her entire storyline about being involved with vecna was amazingly executed. Everything she did felt like it had meaning and truly changed the entire path of the story there's just one thing that's bugging me about it though. How did she come back to life? Don't get me wrong I'm glad she's okay (i think?) I would be devastated if she permanently died I am just so confused of what El did that essentially revived her. Like that is a huge power that came out of essentially no where and for no cost at all, I was thinking at first that El might've been giving Max her power to live or something and that would've been a huge new revelation but we see that El still has her powers at the end so what she actually did in that moment is completely beyond me. The only thing I can think of is that she somehow jump started her heart but I feel like that could've definitely been explained more if it is what happened.

Will

Hooooooo boy do I have a lot to say. First I'm just gonna talk about his overall character. Obviously I love him and Noah as always acted beautifully, I just feel like he was written to pretty much be Mike's therapist and pine over him from a far. Besides the scene with Johnathan and the end scene where we see he still has a connection to vecna none of his scenes really felt like they were about him, they always felt about Mike. Instead of his feelings for Mike portraying more about Will's character like his inner struggle with being queer in the 80s or how important Mike is to him, his feelings came off more like a reason for him to be Mike's motivator to get his shit together FOR EL which is tragically depressing.

Lets talk Byler. One of the most important scenes for Will's character in those episodes was him giving Mike the painting, we see there how Will truly feels about Mike but he portrays it as if it's actually El's feelings for Mike. That scene was so heart breaking since you can see how sad it made Will to not be able to be honest and how he started silently sobbing, it really hurt. But the fact that the reason Mike even gets his shit together enough to tell Eleven he loves her is because of what Will says to him in that scene feels fucked up. The previous Byler scenes in this season all felt like they had a strong impact on how he and Mike interact and value one another but because of the whole I love you speech Mike gave it feels like one of the most important scenes for Wills character was just to pretty much give Mike what he needed. Also with that I love you speech can you just imagine how much that hurt for Will to hear? What he said while spilling out his heart was pretty much thrown back at him by the person he loves FOR ANOTHER PERSON. Also Mike saying his life began the day he found El in the forest is a painful parallel to him telling Will the best decision he's ever made is speaking to him on the swings and I won't forgive whoever wrote that speech Mike gave El.

Now I feel it's important we talk about queer baiting and representation regarding Will given how this turned out. Do I think they queer baited us? Honestly I don't know. I feel like the answer at this current moment and time before the last season comes out is yes. Will's feelings are never directly addressed at all yet being a big selling point of the season to a lot of queer viewers and Wills sexuality is never even discussed. I was hoping that the scene between John and Will could've been Will's coming out scene and it was framed as if it was implying that Johnathan was telling Will that he loves him even if he's gay but no one ever even says the word gay or anything that shows black and white "this character Is queer". I know to most people with 2 brain cells it's obvious that the subtext of these scenes are showing Will is not straight but the fact that homophobic people can still argue that he's straight because of the fact it wasn't blatantly stated is extremely frustrating. But the reason I say it also may not be queer baiting is because if AND ONLY IF they're going to directly address Will's sexuality and feelings in season 5. I can understand if they put a lot if effort into Will's character season 5 that this could've been a slow burn build up, but the ball is really now in their court so it's up to them if they fumble it or not.

Season 5 hopes

I want Wills character to actually be used to its fullest potential. I want him to finally get fully fleshed out and get to show just how important he is in all of this. I have always been a Will Byers has powers truther so I think it'd be amazing if he actually played a vital role in taking down Vecna and the Mind Flayer. I also think it'd be a really cool parallel if while he figures out more about himself and his sexuality he also discovers more about his powers. It'd make him feel like he's finally being seen as an important character. I'd also like to see Mike's character get more fleshed out, right now it feels like his entire character just revolves around El and that's incredibly frustrating since they're both great character without one another.

Conclusion

I really liked this season but the last 2 episodes felt more like duds unfortunately. I do have decent hopes for season 5 though since they'll be able to see fan feedback and see where they could've done significantly better. I'm really tired because it's nearly 9am and I have not slept so I'm sorry if any of this didn't make much sense or sounds repetitive, I may add some more thoughts later.

#stranger things #stranger things spoilers #st #st spoilers #will byers #mike wheeler #eleven #eleven hopper #max mayfield #eddie munson #byler #byeler

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non-neutoniangender · 4 months

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Okay yea, fuck it, watching 34 right now because sleep is for nerds and Matt decided to leave off on something of the world's worst cliffhanger (that's not necessarily true, but it kinda feels like it)

WHY did Matt start this with FCG??? boy am I concerned

Memories of Aeor?!??!?!?????

A MAN YOU FEAR?????? oh no

Chetney?!?!?!

why is he going down the list......

lmao "wayward romances in your youth"

Why are there names......

Also I'm suspicious that this is because Imogen let go, this is the hint that they're all ruidis born, because I think thats the direction this campaign was going to go

Ashton... whooo boy... yea, I think this is probably pointing towards ruidis born (from a storytelling perspective, in world I understand that they would have difficulty just guessing they are all ruidis born yk)

Some kind of ritual....

Beyond the edge of death....... wow

WAIT YEA. the whole cast is there, even the ones who are dead dead....... huh

Not the dinner with the Briarwoods...... :/ God I hate Delilah

Good lord. oopsies. we just disappeared a bunch of dirt and shit

I do really love how invested they get in the game

oops there goes Laudna

"worry not Laudna, death is but a waiting game" oh my god

Knowing what happens lessens the impact for me, in a good way, it really helps with the anxiety, but having them so much with helping the stakes feel real.

I can get safely invested with them being so invested even if I know the result. its nice

"How do I know they're dead" asking the right questions

A revivify cockring omg

When the so many people die that initative starts to go at the normal speed. god thats so morbid

Holy shit Sam. not the exact 10 on the revivify ritual dear GOD

Fearne, the first person to when presented with a Revivify goes "what else" what a Fearne move... I love her, I love Ashley

oh my god not the slight action economy shuffling

rollies to see who lives good Gods

Liam is just depressed.......

It's so heartbreaking to see Fearne work through how to save her friends, and FCG having to work her through who is dead

"Who votes for Orym" noooooooo lmao

Are they actually about to flip a coin for who to rez........?

This has such a different vibe to the Molly death... I can't really put my finger on why? maybe because when molly died there were no healers

Will 😢

Orym's gonna be a wreck after this huh.

But the acting :'(

Marisha silently packing up.... then asking Matt is she should leave 😢😢😢

Oh. Imogen thinks its her fault.

I do like that Matt is calling an early break so the players can go cry in each others arms for a moment.

aaaaaand popsicle stick Laura is waaaay too cheery

good god after all that death they go straight to torture

What a macabre scene, Imogen grieving the death of Laudna as everyone else is torturing information out of Treshi

Grey fluid...... dunamancy.... GOD I hate Ludinus

WAIT jesus did Otohan just cast 4 resonant Echoes?!?!?!?

God its so surreal to hear them talking about consulting Delilah like its not the worst idea ever.

"Imogen, do you think someone needs to take care of Paté and Sashimi?" oh my god Sam you don't need to break my heart again!

I do really love how Fjord seems to have opened up the relationship floodgates for Travis, I like how unabashedly horny he is.

I love when Caleb came out to talk about magic

TWO fragments of possibility?!?!? science has been scienced

not the grog meatlocker of holding!! (honestly...... I've been wondering what all was in that )

He added a FEAT?!?!?!?!

A toolbox lmaoooooo God Sam, never change.

"And not hide money from each other......."

"I saw my parents" "I thought you were an orphan" "I'm going to give you 10 seconds to figure that out" pure gold lmao

Captain Xandis!!!!! I forgot how much I loved them!!!!

The spell definitely headed something off at the pass, good god. Matt you are trying to kill someone!!!!

I love that Travis still counts for Laura's Sending.

And that airship pickup was really one for the highlight reel.

#cr 3 ep 34 #cr3 #cr2 spoilers #critical role

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himbos-hotline · 10 months

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What do you think needs improvement in wwe and aew

OKAY so prefancing this by the fact I have not watch WWE in over a year and the only things I know about WWE now is what im getting from tumblr

both companies need to stop relying on the old stars/ old wrestlers needing either a money hit or a cash hit or like another grasp at talent. as much as I LOVE daddy ass and re-living my childhood in wrestling but like I get sooo tired of seeing people relive the glory days when they shouldnt *cough* ric flair *cough*. like theres sooo many talented younger wrestlers that arent getting shown on TV/ in the companies because older wrestlers get quick pops because of the nostalgia run. I see goldberg one more time I will actually explode.

Aew needs to book more womens matches and treat them at the same like bundle and preface as men! Like give us a womans blood and guts!! and more womens matches in genearal where its more of a rough and tumble vibe with blood. My favourite womens match is the thunder rosa brit baker cage match!! Also give me more nyla like I love nyla rose sooo much and shes so talented and cool and I wanna see her wrestle more

also things that feel like "small" tag teams, like the best friends, arent being like shown how talent they are. I know that sentence doesnt make sense. But re-watching aew during the pandemic era- where you had the trent vs kenny match it was so good and it really showwed just how cool and talented trent is in the ring and I think both him and chuck should be allowed to wrestle more and actually wrestle like do moves and win matches, theyre not just to push other talent or let newer tag teams win, its kinda depressing when taented wrestlers arent used in the way they deserve too

another thing and this is just for me, maybe this is just for me. Like long term storytelling suddenly either being shifted/stopped. Like do you remember when mox was facing [I think its either max or jericho] and someone like attacked him backstage and we NEVER EVER got told/figured out who attacked him and its kinda just been forgotten? ALSO as much as I love the elite and the hangkenny storyline and hangman rejoining the elite. He caused so much issues and trouble with everything and he hurt them, like matt said that bte episode "it hurt my heart" and theyve all like, just kinda accpeted him back. No like deep apology or "you have to prove yourself" or whatever. Its like they forgot the entire three year story they told. Also kenny finding out about the fucking nod- it could have been done so much deeper and sadder and emotional, the bucks have been there with kenny since his breakdown/breakup with kota and theyve always had his back until the one moment he needed them and they sided with hangman. But instead of all of that we got "k its cool" and I dont know if its gonna like come back up after all the kenny dealing with callis emotions is gone. Cuz thats gotta like fuck someone up mentally, suddenly loosing that abusive manipultive hold on you suddenly disappearing.

and FANS!! like, I love wrestling fans but also god I hate them so much. Guys, Guys I am begging y'all to stop showing wrestlers fanfics/ship-fanart and everything else. its not like made FOR them its made FOR other fans. I wouldnt want to be exposed to being shipped with my friends by people online. Like....ugh. ALSO like a small thing that pisses me off is fans thinking we can like, touch them in sexual ways. this is mostly cis-het men touching cis women wrestlers on their asses and tits. Like you wouldnt like if someone fondled your dick without asking. Concent is important and its not just for ike, fucking. its for every single thing in life. Yall can cuddle the wrestlers if they say you can but god if youre making people uncomfortable and gross its fucking bullshit and youre a sucky human being.

#this is mostly just a vent im sorry #mouse has pals #anon notes

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the-ghost-king · 1 year

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so you shared your thoughts on tsats and i think most if not all of the points you made seemed to be criticisms (many of which i agreed with) but did you have any positive thoughts on the book? what were some moments, plot points, scenes etc etc you really liked? or maybe none at all thats fair too I guess lol

Odd one, but I liked seeing Nico cry! Personally I feel like it showed growth on his part and showed him being more vulnerable with his emotions and such, it was something I said I would like to see before the book came out and even though Nico crying was more plentiful in the book than I anticipated it was still kind of nice. I had personally hoped for a single dramatic scene where he felt like he couldn't go on, too scared to actually go to tartarus, or something where he lost Will, as the big emotional scene where he let some tears loose but I guess the few throwaway lines were nice too!

I believe I mentioned liking the hut scene as well? Something about them setting up camp there felt domestic and sweet, I liked as well Nico wanting to wake Will up to share with him his emotional state as it showed a lot of growth on Nico's part again in terms of being vulnerable, and a desire to share himself with others. I do wonder if he would have actually woken Will up if they were in a more peaceful setting and Will missing an hour of sleep wouldn't have been such a big deal in a more day to day life setting.

I thought Will and Naomi's relationship was cute and sweet from just the brief portions we got to witness of it, and I would love a short story like some of the others Rick's written about the two of them doing something. I can totally see Will growing up chilling in the tour bus or just off stage tbh. Him traveling around with her so much also makes me wonder if he was homeschooled? I like that there's some stuff to explore there I wish we would have had more of his perspective and more memories of Will, not just of his mom but of his siblings, and camp, and such. Even if there was a lot of missed potential there, and I'm not super in love with the direction they took Will's character (and even less pleased with the fact it doesn't line up with previous arcs of his) I do like the little snippets of the life he has lived that we got to see.

Another thing I can say I did like about Will's characterization was the choice to be really explicit in him having SAD. I always have headcannoned Will to have depression and anxiety and I've considered over the years if he has OCD or not too, and even though I never particularly headcannoned him having SAD specifically it was still nice to see mental health discussed, especially a specific form of depression that can be less often talked about.

I liked the brief bits of Maria we got to see and hear about as well (except for the end scene with Hades, I'll be honest, I didn't care for that one) and I wish we would have gotten a deeper look into Nico's past, though I've always wished for that.

And while I didn't necessarily care for the way they bonded entirely, I do think Will and Persephone could have a cute son-in-law/mother-in-law relationship. To me it's similar to the way people talked about Nico and Apollo getting along well, though maybe Apollo seemed a little too interested in Nico at points, but I could see in the future playing around again with the idea of those Underworld family reunion dinners Hades probably (definitely) hosts and Will being able to come along and him and Persephone walking in the gardens after or something along those lines.

I liked as well when Will sang to open Orpheus's entrance to the underworld that those little flowers bloomed 1) because I'm in love with the idea that Will is very over powered and either doesn't know it or doesn't care and 2) I thought about Orpheus and his (sometimes) stated ability to beckon plants towards him when he sang and I think it would again add a layer to Will's abilities that would be nice! I've always thought it would be cool for the infirmary to have planters or a garden nearby full of medicinal things and it could be kind of neat to connect those abilities together in Will. I'm also just in love with the fact that Will has all these weird nontraditional abilities from Apollo sort of hodgepodged together in himself, the mismatch nature of it feels extra Apollo to me as so much of what Apollo sees to is a miscellaneous assortment.

There's some other smaller things, and I'm sure I'll find some additional enjoyment in my reread but those are some of my highlights for now!

#asks #anon #tsats #tsats spoilers

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puppygirldanhowell · 2 years

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Okay, I'm curious, tell me about Adrien's bpd, please?

I WOULD LOVE TO

okay so firstly- he absolutely has the childhood trauma for it with his mom dying and his father abandoning him in every way but physical, as well as the expectations put on him, though i wouldnt say having a career from that young is Traumatizing it can Easily fuck up your pysche and your perception of the world, of course i also have to bring light to the way all of his dads love seems to ride on adrien being this perfect son- and the way mr agreste's entire life revolves around saving adriens mom from the moment she dies, adrien clearly feels helpless and alone, loved only for what of his mother his dad sees in him and his career. i absolutely believe these factors could lead to him developing bpd. i honestly havent watched mlb in soooo long (aside from the few episodes i just watched) so i cant give many direct examples or references rn😔😔 but i Did just watch the cat walker episode and let me tell you his entire mood Screamed bpd. the way he got like. breakdown depression upset over something that ladybug Obviously said for the news people (accidentally saying that he was no more special than the rest of the miraculous users and thats why she was using him less), the way he forced himself into the situation after she and the other holders had beat whoever they were fighting instead of stepping back and thinking or considering calling ladybug and asking to talk to her privately later, the way he overreacted Wildly over their argument even though he'd been chat noir for-fucking-ever and knew that ladybug had a gagillion miraculous's to get back in under five minutes. then he actually gave up his miraculous- and adrien is not a particularly prideful person so it was clear that that was how strongly he felt about the situation. he then spent the next While severly depressed over the entire thing- to the point that he couldnt act out his role as Gabriel Agreste's son. eventually after some conflict between ladybug and plaug, adrien gets the chance to be chat noir again, but the only way to do so is by pretending to be an entirely different person. (brief explanation for if u havent seen the episode: plaug finds marinette and tells her that chat is still in love with her and that shes been hurting him sm by not showing him any love, mari decides the best way to stop hurting him is to replace him, but ends up having to entrust plaug ((who just gives the ring back to adrien)) with the job since she cant know chat's identity) while adrien doesnt seem Too put off by this idea considering the fronts he already had to put up with his father and friends and even with ladybug to some degree, it's unbearably tolling to pretend to be someone else like that, And to see that that person is liked more than the real version of you. in the end that conflict does end up getting resolved to some degree, and maybe these emotions were just used to give plot to this episode and wont be brought up again, but thats my two cents

#mlb #adrien agreste #miraculous ladybug #chat noir #cat walker

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obscureoperations · 2 years

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reader with really bad mood swings-

:,)

Ope, now thats me..maybe not to that exact extent, but still. Anyways!

Martin was used to the uphill battle with his moods,often times sinking into bouts of depression. He's learned to manage it in a way,and now accepted it as his normal state--when he met you, he was a bit thrown off.

He strived to understand what made you tick, and and realize it had nothing to do with him. It was just another facet of your personality, and he wanted to support you completely. It was never to an alarming extent, you managed to not take your distress out on him. You'd simply isolate yourself in fear of saying something you'd regret. But at times,Martin still wished you'd just talk to him.

There was only one time where the two of you almost entered an actual argument, yor week had grown progressively worse. Work was shit and you weren't sleeping properly. The excessive caffeine only aggravated the problem. You didn't wan't to speak to anyone, even your sweet boyfriend. "Martin..just leave me alone for a bit yeah?" You regretted your words the moment they slipped out. Martin looked as though he had been slapped. You attempted to offer some sort of apology, but Martin raised his hand. "Alright."

You felt awful, that was what you feared the most..hurting him. You had been doing so well. Even after the two of you had a chance to talk, Martin assured you that you were only human. He hated seeing you so upset, and if you needed space, he was happy to oblige. You soon began to become hyper aware of your triggers, and tried your best to avoid them.

It was something that you've struggled with your entire life, which was why you were always hesitant to enter a relationship. You've had a few along the way, but things never seemed to work out. Honestly it was never completely on you. When you first met Martin, you found him to be so pre..despite knowing all about his sickness. You knew there was good in him..you fought off his subtle advances for quite a while. You always feared that he'd shy away once he experienced your moods.

But he never did, in a way the two of you balanced eachother out..your wild emotions versus his somber demeanor. Where he would eternalize his pain and distress--you had no problem letting it out. After a while, you found that you loved to channel your emotions in a more constructive pursuit. Martin loved your art, he had no idea how you were so talented. You never let him watch you work, but were always pleased to show the final result.

#martin 1977 #martin 1978 #martin mathias #martin/reader #martin/you

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that-was-anticlimactic · 2 years

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okokokok. i am 2 eps from the end of s12 and. i have many feelings. BRO I CANT BELIEVE KAI N COLE WENT DOWN LIKE THAT!!!!! THEY BOTH DESERVED BETTERR :(((( ASDGKJFGJKSD GOD I WISH THE "DEATHS" IN NINJAGO WERE MORE IMPACTFUL. IK THAT IT WOULDNT WORK BC THEN IT WOULD BE TOO DARK FOR KIDS OR SMTH BUT LIKE 😭😭😭😭 ALSO OMG THE FORESHADOWING… LIKE HOW JAY WAS THE ONE TO PICK UP THE FIRST KEYTANA AND THEN HES THE LAST ONE LEFT WHO HAS TO PUT THEM IN… if this show would be allowed to be darker i am 100% convinced it would be better than almost all marvel movies. but thats just my opinion!! if you like it just the way it is thats cool :D i mean, its kind of a comfort watch to me at this point after all :) on another note i know that nya and jay are dating but its a bit weird bc jay DOES act like hes in love w nya (or at least sometimes) but nya doesnt rlly if ykwim?? theres the possibility that her love language is more acts of service and quality time but even if that happens its off-screen :( they are actually one of the straight couples that i feel have potential and i wish they were a bit more developed!

okay but when cole and kai used their last life... i definitely cried iuyfxdfghijhgcfgh it was the "KAI!" "COLE!" *depressed lloyd look* for me... and the way that they nodded at each other like they knew what they were going to do,,,

bUT YEAH THEY WOULD BE TOO DARK FOR KIDS OKIUGFCGVHIOP

YEAH YEAH YEAH I JUST. Y E A H. oh 1000% honestly i think every season of ninjago is better than any marvel movie, maybe not s7 but i would be willing to fight for s11 oiugfcgvhjikoiuhg but like. imagine if it wasn't a kid show... it would be SO dark,,,

no yeah i feel that! on one hand, i wish the show was darker and a little more mature like that, but on the other,,, it's just. it's nice. it's nice to see some silly lil plastic ninja lose all their braincells <3

i--actually wait hold on. nya's love language being acts of service makes sO MUCH SENSE I--

okay i know that wasn't the main point of your comment but i am. i am feeling feelings. no you're so correct - her love language is acts of service it makes so much sense her inventions the i just iuygfcdxcfghujiuhygfcvghjuygfcghjuhgf

ahem but y eah tbh ninjago is not good at being consistent with jay and nya's relationship :/ it was really cute in s1&2, horrible in s3, fine in s4 (not much there), fine in s5, bad all of a sudden out of nowhere at the beginning of s6 then better towards the end (but "last resort" will ALWAYS be one of the best ninjago episodes ever imo), and then just hm from there

it has its good moments and bad moments (i.e. good writing and bad writing lol)

ninjago would have better couples if they'd let the ninja be gay

#ollie tag #okay but like. cole is literally gay he Has to be. he has great chemistry with zane kai and jay like.#and ronin and dareth have good chemistry too and they would make a cute enemies to lovers...#jUST SAYING #remember in s4 ep3 when jay essentially said 'my feelings for you are stronger than my feelings for my gf' to cole🤨#corey rambles:)

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talesofateenagedramaqueen · 27 days

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dearest diary,

today is starting off strong- lingering dreams and matching horoscopes and tarot readings, plans with friends and full body anxiety.

letting your mother talk to lawyers for you is definitely a cowards way out, the action of a youngest child who needs to grow tf up, but its easy to do bad things when you hate yourself alr-

OH. THATS THE POINT OF BOJACK HORSEMAN.

great show but its a horrible sign that I relate most to the fucking horse. if I were a man...well, thank the universe for that one small concession. im annoying enough as a woman, id be utterly insufferable (and even more off putting) as a man living rent free in- okay okay. im a mess. this is well established. there is no magic cure that's going to fix my shit by tomorrow. there's nothing I can do to erase the past few years of drowning in my own depression. the past few critical years where I was unable to hold it together or to even move forward. dammit, the teachers were right. though, given my...everything. personality, upbringing, mental illnesses plural, I think it might have always ended up this way. and there's no point on lingering on everything I have down wrong ever because there's so much of it jfc please don't cue the war flashbacks now. at 25 years old I must start from scratch except I was handed one of those shitty whiteboards that are never 100% clean. or, I guess this metaphor works better if im the one who waited too long and all the good white boards were taken first.

well, I overthink things and never take action (classic infp amiright?) but I also have adhd so sometimes im also impulsive. and im not patholgizing myself, truly im not, its just that I do weird things and its comforting to know that there's a reason why I am the way that I am. everyone else gets to go along life knowing why they do things that they do because their minds are so straightforward, even when they're overwhelmed by emotion they know which emotion it is that they're feeling. and we're all humans who act irrationally at times and have moments of "why did I do that" but not everyone is like " I don't understand why I can't just be normal."

anyways I think if I just stopped overthinking things but also spent more time in my own body it would, and I quote, "fix all my shit okay, maybe not all my shit, but definitely more." slow down, think, act.

right now I am forced to lean on my parents. I feel guilty that they're doing me a huge favor, but a more productive use of that emotion is showing my gratefulness. getting a job and helping them around the house, having a more normal sleep schedule, and taking a more active role with the gremlins will show how thankful I am. I need to prioritize getting a job and getting into a groove with cleaning. hoarder mess is theirs to deal with, everyday cleaning tasks I can help with. to work off my frustration, im going to start taking walks on the trail.

eat healthier. no diets cause they drive me insane.

look into hormone supplements specifically for PCOS, and make sure to actually take my thyroid meds.

its not all or nothing. no more procrastinating. a little bit each day.

I gotta like, romanticize my life though, or else its just not as fun. or worth it? I don't want to just go through the motions and I need to find motivation from something, somewhere.

"all that is done in love is done well" okay Vincent go off. when you're a mentally ill piece of shit I think doing things with love is the only thing you can do right. no, thats not it. sometimes all you can do is sit back and realize, there's no point in doing things out of hatred- no, thats not the point either. ah, well. its still a good motto to have.

I lost large chunks of myself haven't I? the passion, the interests, trying to cater towards everyone else but then being led by my own anger and darkness. but I've always admired the weirdos and the eccentrics, and especially the free spirits. I've seen the dark sides of everything I have loved, but its like yin and yang yeah? just because there's some darkness doesn't mean the whole thing is horrible now. there's still things left to love about it. im not going to find the perfect solution, god knows im going to make a million more mistakes, but=im gonna try harder. im going to do things out of love again. fuck toxic positivity though. lets bring emotions back! stop rationalizing everything! feel what you feel THEN make decisions about it. I need a little more optimism in my life, but I don't wanna fake it either. not everything has to be a big deal;!

todays goals are to get my clearances set up (for the most part). the room to clean of the day is the bathroom. the fun bits are going to be...creating a capsule wardrobe for work. I need ballet flats-wide-for interviews. but first, food for fuel.

this journey is going to kick me in my ass, but its been kicking me in the face the whole time so if you think about it, this is a vast improvement. and fuck! I really don't wanna fucking do this! I wish I didn't have to!! but it's all going to work out all right in the end so help me god-or-whoerver-pr-whatever-is-in-charge-if- anything-at-all.

*cue better son/daughter playing in the background*

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1186e · 5 months

Text

hi. so like. i fucked up. i fucked up severely. i know i did, and i can take full responsibility for that now. if youre wondering why it took eight months, well, we can leave it at there were complications, number one being i thought you didnt want something like this. from the moment i was clearheaded enough to start writing an apology, the lack of any word from you made me wonder if you really wanted one. and then todds message would ring in my head and tell me it wasnt wanted here at all.

i dont really know how to convey how much i regret everything or how to even apologize correctly but i figure ive got to do this one way or another. i just really dont want to leave off with… whatever the fuck i said in psychosis, i can barely remember. all i have are my assumptions on what i fucked up, but assumptions are what got me here in the first place, so this is about to be Very Unprofessional And Meandering

ok so the first and most obvious thing to apologize for is. the repeated attempts at disappearing. trying to explain why is like trying to untangle a gordian knot. all i can say is im sorry. im sorry it happened and im sorry it kept happening and im sorry i hurt you. i quite literally wasn't thinking. i was reacting to things i did not tell you about in the moment like some kind of wounded animal. there is a lot a lot a lot i kept from you since december 2019 and like. i really regret keeping it all to myself. maybe having told people would have changed something, but thats a what-if no one can do shit about, and it dont matter any more. i think ive left enough ghosts regardless of whether or not i wanted to

with that out of the way i can try to explain it in other ways. one of the things i really want to say here is there was no resentment. this wasnt a "holding grudges and exploding at the last minute" thing. i was never angry. i did not get that across, ever. i cant think of a time in the last 3 years where i was ever actually mad at you. again, i dont think it ever really seemed like that. i want to say again: you never did anything to make me mad or upset. the reality on my side was much more messy and confusing cos i barely know myself at the best of times, and i know ive been mad about plenty of OTHER things, which makes it more confusing to parse. i want to clarify: you did nothing to upset me or make me hold grudges. the last time, the one i remember the most, i did not leave cos you made me mad or upset or insulted or something. this is going in circles now but what im trying to get to is i thought you wanted me gone. it was fear. i thought all of you there couldnt stand me. a simple sentiment that comes from a clusterfuck of extremely confusing circumstances and signals, and a prophetic one. everything seemed to say i wasn't wanted there. i dont know how to word this except that like. it felt like i was treated different? in a way i could never put words to. a feeling of being on thin ice, or seeing how everyone reacted to each other and seeing how they reacted to me and feeling like it was. less. less good. less enthusiastic. i have no clue if it was the depression refusing to let good memories or good things remain in my brain or the other disorder convincing me the good was somehow bad but i felt like i was a minor character to use. a stupid metaphor. every time i wanted to leave or left it was chasing a feeling of 'i have to go now or they'll kick me out, or im on the cusp of making them hate me somehow'.

anyway what im trying to get to here is just this: you did nothing wrong. you couldn't have known this, or anything going on with me, since i didnt tell anyone and i didnt even realize what was happening until i physically got away from some people i was forced to be around irl. and i know this sounds like an excuse or something but i could not exist around them without them reinforcing incredibly bad habits and insecurities. you did the best you could with the scraps i gave anyone. none of this is your fault. i kept. a lot a lot a lot of secrets cos i was scared of telling people. anything i guess. i am a moron and it is my fault cos i thought i could handle everything on my own back then if only i could try harder and the only thing it did was result in confusing everyone around me + breaking down some of the best relationships in my life. one of those was you, in case it isnt clear.

anyway. back to the point. i know now it feels like i was giving you the silent treatment or attempting to punish you for something unless im getting that very wrong. i have only recently been exposed to people talking about how it feels to be on the other end of this also. i didnt think about how it feels to have someone suddenly and without warning pull away from you (obviously) especially when its not only been once but a repeated occurrence. i also know it doesnt make sense to someone thinking normally, but in those delusional (and when i say delusion i mean it with sincerity, not exaggeration or self depreciation), incredibly stressed out moments, the backwards thinking of "if they want me around they'll reach out, if they don't they wont" felt like it was logical. sometimes people run when they want to be followed but how the fuck are you supposed to know that? the insane logic of "if these people really loved me theyd violate the boundary they thought i put up". no part of this makes sense to me anymore but its easy (for me) to trace the disordered thinking into why it did at one point. but its not healthy and its a stupid as fuck thing to try to pull on other people. and its not good cos. the only person who ever followed that logic and approached me when i was isolating was someone who Wanted to isolate me.

and i know it sounds delusional to say someone could do this and do it on a basis where they didnt want to hurt someone (it quite literally is!) but that was. basically the only thought in my head at the time. i thought my presence was an active detriment + i didnt think i would be noticed if i was gone + i thought leaving would make things better for other people + my first instinct when dealing with the. incredibly intense emotions i was going through at the time is self isolation and online that always seems to manifest as freak out and delete everything or try to + i thought i was approaching the point where i was going to be left so my kneejerk reaction was to leave and be hurt on my own terms or at least leave until the feeling passes + L all around. and im taking the leap right now (too late) in trying to trust that this was all just made up in my head and you felt none of this (at the time at least), this was all transference on my part from. this other. honestly really terrible group i was in (i think i complained about them once or twice where you could see, but about other. petty things i could find words for and not. some other things). and from people i talked to everyday constantly trying to convince me of this. i dont think like this anymore. i recently got back into contact with some people i used to be close with years ago who people irl made sure i isolated myself from and the realization that i can be missed and thought about when im not there hit me like running into a brick wall. i know this sounds like. stupid as shit and probably fake but like. i just was convinced of it?

one thing i have to stop and try to explain here is these actions were like. normal to me. no hostile intent behind them. i have friends that do this to me all the time. i have one whos disappeared on me for months at a time who ive been friends with for a decade, who doesnt answer a single message until she suddenly does and is back until she disappears again. i got used to it i guess. i had another friend group who does this all the time, too (that one i just mentioned), so i didnt think anything of it. people have done it to me irl as well so i guess i just. thought you would react like i do and put it out of your mind until it resolved itself (and if you think 'hey this is contrary to the wanting to be followed idea', it is, and its cos im a hypocrite and my brain followed no logic). i thought the reason id fucked up these times myself was i couldnt cut and go as cleanly as they could cos part of me still wanted to just. stay. and play stupid games with you. i didnt realize my absence would be noticed, i thought it would be better for everyone if i was gone for at least a while, i didnt realize the kind of panic and worry that instills in normal people (especially since when id isolate before i ever met you guys it never seemed to), i didnt think it was possible for someone to worry over me, and i didnt know that sort of thing was linked to something traumatic for you specifically. i wish you'd told me earlier. or maybe you did and i fucking forgot, in which case, im sorry for that too, ive been incredibly tunnel visioned on my own situation for. years. and its made me a really. really shitty friend

i dont think i ever like once opened up to you or anyone about. anything? any of this. any of how my brain worked or how i was doing or what was going on. i bitched a lot, more as the situation i was in actively got worse and made me a worse person , but like. i dont think i ever actually had a conversation with any of you about it. and thats my fault. this is like, really stupid to admit after it already happened, but part of me was sure if i did, if i was really honest and you got a look at how fuckt all my problems were, you'd leave.

and i want to say that came out of nowhere but i cant. i had another group of friends, mentioned before, where that also felt normal. there was someone in there who weaseled my bpd diagnosis out of me and then she like. used this as an example of why i was a bad person and couldnt be trusted, cos she had someone who hurt her who had bpd or something, but they let me stay "on thin ice" if she could "mediate those behaviours". this resulted in a lot of very confusing shit i can barely remember aside from the fact it started around the same time we got the kicked outnotice, around september 2020. but one of them i do remember was when id say i cared about someone or drew something for them she accused me of lovebombing people and said "if people really cared about what you were giving theyd give something back, so stop". and every time i tried to google it i felt like i couldnt prove her wrong. so i ended up like. stopping any and all displays of affection to friends. that statement alone ended up reinforcing a terrible ass. transactional view of things that i know i ended up freaking out with you about at least once. and im sorry about that, too. it was beyond ridiculous and theres no excuse for that

anyway if this feels like its not related to anything, one of the things i wanted to apologize for is im not sure if you noticed like. a sudden drop off in my ability to express affection to you or other people but. that was why. and then while i was high and struggling to get my head around something that happened to me in early april that group exploded and she pointed at me and said i was a terrible person. which is about when i came back with the. im not sure if im remembering what i said right but "why do you care" and the. what was the other thing? that it was better without me? i didnt mean it as angry although i can understand now why in that situation itd be interpreted as lashing out. i meant it as a genuine question. i did not get that across. i was struggling to understand why anyone would care about me at all at in that moment and also very out of touch with reality. maybe fuckin (dialogue tags) like an elcor would have helped idk. i dont know why i suddenly messaged you out of the blue like that all i can think of is like. youd made the feeling go away before and i was hoping that could happen again but i had no clue how to approach anyone first of all and secondly thats a ridiculous burden to put on another person and im so sorry for that

i remember something like insisting i wasnt an attentionwhore when youd messaged me before and like i know you must have not had a fucking clue where that came from and i didnt know where to go with an "okay" so i didnt. say anything. and it was a ridiculous outburst cause by like. this terrible thing that happened in april that goes back to march that like. i still dont know how to talk about. but something happened and when i tried to tell people about it i made the mistake of assuming these people liked me and when i tried to come clean about something that had happened to me i got called an attentionwhoring freak and i got dropped in favour of. someone else. and i was trying really really really fucking hard to act normal but i could interact with nothing and do nothing except give my things away and stare at a screen and i didnt know who i could tell and it was your birthday month and i didnt want to make it about me but i fucking. did in the end. ruined that whole thing. im sorry i fucked up april for you and im sorry i never finished that art i said id make for it and im. sorry i never told you anything earlier that could have averted this. the timing was too awful it was too close to. your birthday and we were always doing something in that mmo and it felt like something bad was always happening to you too and. i dont know. i thought it was a space i couldnt take up and that no one wanted me to. i guess it all comes back to the fear again i was too scared to ask if i could tell anyone and i was too scared to. admit anything was happening. even after the point where it was really obvious. if i admitted it i had to admit to myself i didnt have control over what had happened

although from everything that was said to me im assuming i ruined things long ago and no one ever told me. so to the point: im sorry i ruined your life and for being a shitty friend. i'm sorry for being so fucking weird and cagey and unable to explain or communicate anything at all. now that ive been actively trying to trust someone theres nothing i regret more than not being able to do it sooner and all the fuckin. hurt and confusion my lack of trust caused

another thing i want to apologize for is like. the several times id tried to talk to you about something but came off very aggressively. i never realized how weird it was to approach people like that until like. well for one your reactions to it. but until i left the situation i was in irl and got to interact with a Normal Person everyday that was just like. how things happened around me. i didnt realize it wasn't normal, i thought that like, your patience and kindness and understanding in response was abnormal and i didnt know how to respond to that. i mean, it certainly defused me every time. you are like a master of deescalation but im guessing that comes with your job. anyway what i wanted to say here was i'm sorry for always approaching things so aggressively, especially if that was the lashing out. i thought i was learning to communicate better but i wasn't. i certainly wasnt fucking communicating That or Anything that was Happening. and like im sorry for the stress that caused you being faced with sudden aggression like that and trying to figure out what the fuck my problem was

another thing i want to apologize for is the like. idk how to describe this one except for "promoting callouts and cherry picking". i know you already know what im referring to. i dont know why i did this considering it fed back into my paranoia too but the only thing i can think of is considering how fucking shitty my situation was i wanted control over something. and sometimes that was 'look at how terrible these people are'. which is not an excuse for the behaviour, i should have remembered you were also in a shitty situation you had little control over. ever since i got to live away from the toxic sludge dump and got medicated this literally means nothing to me but i know it probably stoked your own paranoia too and im sorry about that. everything i brought up was a ridiculous thing to draw lines over. memories of some of the things id gotten tilted over come back to me sometimes and i put my head in my hands. im sorry for the stress i caused here too!

im trying to think of other stupid ass things ive done and like. i am also sorry for being. so secretive? if you understand. like telling you not to tell people stuff. i think you already know what sort of complexes were making me do that, given how many times ive told people stuff and then had them turn around and make fun of it in a private group. but also i was not dealing w that in a healthy way at all and making some pretty ridiculous demands, like of even keeping something from your twin? even something that innocuous? i want to say im not that stupid but i was the one who asked. and to that end i dont care what you do with this apology or who you share it with im sure theres shit in here that deserves to be made fun of to hell and back.

and that is all i can remember to apologize for, but im assuming to have been cut out like that there must be a shit ton im not remembering. one of the only things i can remember you saying before you left was "you say you wont be an asshole but are" and thats just vague enough it could be literally anything i just brought up, but if its not one of those, and you want an apology for it. you know where to find me on discord i assume im in your block list. also if you just want to like. yell at me. for all of this. you can. its fine. you can do that and then block me again idk and like. thats what i get

and i know this is a whole ass fucking essay and i really really hope this is 'explanation' and not 'excuse'. i dont want any of this to excuse what i did, because i know it was fucking awful and i will never be able to apologize enough for what i put you through. to use one of those cliche apology lines, but like with sincerity, there is no excuse for my behaviour, and none of what happened is your fault. its mine and a result of my fuckups and my insecurities and my twisting myself into knots. you were like unfailingly kind and patient even when i read you or a situation wrong, the only fault here lies with me and my trust issues and the fact i could just not. get myself to believe. and being too zeroed in on what i was going through to consider how i was affecting other people. now that i actually want to be here there are like. so many things i wish i could go back and change. but i cant. i have to live with how i was immature and emotionally reactive and terrified of everything and. everything i fucked up when i thought i would not live long enough to see the consequences. i guess another thing i want to apologize for is theres definitely some times i probably made you feel like you were still at your job dealing with a child lmfao

a lot of this happened cos like. i dont know how to put this (how many times have i written that so far) other than being like. completely unaware of what i am to people and desperate for some kind of indication i was as significant in other peoples lives as they were in mine, which felt fundamentally impossible, but was also something i was just too fucking scared to ever try to ask directly. or i guess it felt like if i had to ask i was being manipulative or forcing you into a situation where you had to give a nice answer cos you didnt want to upset me or something and i didnt. want that. (which i guess ties in again to lack of trust. like not trusting you to give an honest answer. im not sure why) which makes no sense cos in the end the trying to see without asking ends up. more manipulative? i mean thats obvious but the thought somehow never occurs in the moment. and i could not read any of you at all and the feedback loop was an electric chair. or i guess like. i was constantly asking the question 'do you still love me even though im made of flaws' again and again until i got the no that validated my worldview. and i did not reciprocate the care shown to me at any point. i could not love u or anyone in a way that mattered.

i guess what it comes down to is i was a massive cunt and for what. i dont even know anymore. i sit here and the self preservation looks stupid as shit and didnt even preserve my self in the end, and was directed at the wrong fucking people. king of making mountains out of grains of rice on the floor.

i dont like. want to be your friend again or even forgiven. i dont think this works like that i dont think ideserve that. i just want to end things on a less confusing note i guess. i hope this is less confusing. somehow? it is all of my fucking issues irt what lead to this laid bare i guess or at least as bare as i can make it right now and if all you have in response is a "get help and leave me alone freak" itd be deserved

i guess to get to the actual point of all this. im sorry. you deserved better than this. i think i might have made it feel like you were responsible for my emotions or behaviour, which i didnt want to, and you werent. i was responsible for every shitty reaction and thought i had no matter the circumstances, i was the one who could have brought things up and made myself feel better at any point but i never did. and i never knew what i needed in the moment so i asked for stupid things that never helped and only confused people, especially when i didnt realize the scope of what id done and tried to move on asap since lingering on the. memories of the things that instigated whenever this would happen was. a lot.

you met me at the weirdest fucking time in my life and i wish i could have been a good friend instead. im sorry for everything, for not learning how to communicate in time to avert this dumbass self-created tragedy of an ending, for the bad faith takes, for the aggression, for any worry or panic i created. i wish i could make things better or fix things or make amends somehow but like i have no clue how to and i dont think anyone would let me. you have a lot of good people looking out for you! im sure they can help you better than i can. i was the one who pushed this until it broke so it feels like the only thematically fitting thing i can do is disappear right this time.

i dont expect you to look past any of this shit or even respond but like, if you have been at any point, please dont worry. about me trying to contact you again or just about me in general. im not your problem anymore and im in a way better space. i guess one last thing i regret is not being able to leave my situation in time for that to really matter here. i hope untangling the things we wrote together hasnt been too painful for you. im sorry i turned out to be the kind of person who has to try to write a hedge maze of an apology like this. this is like not even an apology anymore its just like a goodbye letter and its taking ages so

i do want to let you know you were unfailingly kind to me and its my fault i floundered and didnt know how to react to that. im sorry i wore out that kindness and patience. im sorry for all the love i was too stupid to know what to do with and forgot about and now can never repay even for the bits i do remember. this was not a relationship i wanted to push until it broke but i did! i thought in the moment i was only hurting myself but i wasnt! it never crossed my mind that someone who is your friend can't stand there and watch you hurt yourself without being hurt in turn. and im sorry that now we both have to deal with the fallout of. me. i hope in some way this makes that easier on you at least. it wasn't your fault, you werent responsible for my behaviour, i won't bother you again, and i realize now that going dfe and not giving anyone a name to block was like, a shitty paranoia inducing thing to do, so here's me giving you one. i hope the damage i did for you doesnt last long + the detox and recovery is. not so bumpy at least

i really dont know how to end this since like. everything ive read about apologies in the past few months (you can laugh at me for looking. none of it helped) says like. tell them how you wont repeat this. i cant tell you that cos there is nothing to repeat cos there is nothing here and nothing to go back to. i guess what i can say is im sorry i made it that way. now i live with someone who doesnt love to trigger those same relationship paranoia spirals. about the best thing to come of this situation, even if it didnt seem like it at the time, was that it was enough of a world-shattering event to make me realize physically i had to get away from where i was or nothing would ever change. i think cos of this, and cos of some things you guys taught me that i can only try applying now, i can be a better friend to people. but not you. i wish i could refund you guys any of the damn money you spent on me

ok so like. this has dragged on forever. both this and the waiting for. so thank you for being in my life for the short period you were. the three years (and a half?) we knew each other were good i think you guys were one of the best parts of those years despite how i acted. i wish id been more grateful and im sorry i wasnt as good a friend to you as you were to me. i hope the rest of december is good to you and i hope the holidays and new years are fun. i fucked up last nye cos i thought you didnt want to spend time with me and was trying to play it off casually, and you deserve better than that, too, so like i hope the one you get this time is better and memorable. i hope the rest of your life is happy and you get back the good you put into the world someday. thank you for taking the time to read this far. alright. goodnight and goodbye

#so much for keeping it short whatever one shot no editing. this is how it goes out #'like' isnt even a real to me anymore but i keep putting it in every other word #so long and goodnight hope you had the time of your life etc etc ok. send tweet

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