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memryse · 1 year

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Martyn didn’t tell anyone about the voices, not the first time around. He didn’t need that - didn’t need the Red Army, and certainly not his King, thinking he was losing it. They were at war, for crying out loud. Who cared whether there was a malevolent- spirit? entity? occupying his brain? It’s not like it was doing anything other than speaking cryptically whenever he lost a life or was on the verge of losing one, so he was relatively okay with sharing a bit of his brain space with It. Whatever It was. Maybe the others had heard It too, but nobody had said anything because they all thought they were crazy too (fair).

They’d talked about death, of course, on those long nights (there had been many, and little else felt meaningful to talk about, because death and dying was the whole point). Martyn or Etho would ask first, usually - what was it like when you died? Did you… see anything? And Ren would launch into a tale as dramatic as ever about his blood spilling on the altar as his Hand decapitated him, and Martyn would feel a little sick at the memory, and Ren would end the story sheepishly admitting he didn’t see anything. Just darkness, and then he was alive again. BigB would laugh and with measured optimism say he didn’t know, and that hopefully things would stay that way. And so they would go around the campfire like that, swapping stories of the… not the afterlife, but the in-between, perhaps, and when it came to Martyn’s turn he’d give a quick “Uh… nothing. Yeah, it was just- just total darkness for me too. Kind of boring, really, you’d think there’d be something.” No mysterious voices were mentioned, not by anyone, and Martyn wasn’t about to be the first.

The second time, It became Them. The first time could have been nothing, just his brain trying to rationalise death, but this time? Either he really was losing it, or they were real. Or… both, as it turned out one very rough morning after Grian killed Timmy and Mumbo. They were… different this time. Less concerned with his own deaths, more concerned with his kills. Kill, singular, really.

They tasked him with killing Grian, in exchange for Mumbo and Timmy back, and he failed. Miserably. He hadn’t minded trying - he welcomed the excuse, really, since Grian had been the one to destroy the Southlands to begin with - but. It didn’t matter. None of it did. He had been naive to think that it would be as simple as that. And there’d been something else, too. Something too much for his dying brain to comprehend, so much so that thinking back on it even as a green life in peak health made him simultaneously feel like his head was going to explode and like he was being spied on. So for a while, he just… didn’t. The third time was a sort of reprieve, in a way. He pointedly avoided thinking about Them at all, and to Their credit, They also did not bother him for once. Having Cleo in the back of his mind was quite enough stress. They weren’t happy - they weren’t even friends - but they had an understanding. He saw too much of himself in Cleo. Enough that he knew that if he told them about Them, they would believe him. She would believe him, and she would see right through him and pity him. And so he played the game. They lived, they survived for a time, and they died, and for once that was all there was to it.

He thought this time might be the same. The constant ticking was enough to drive anyone mad - cynical as ever, he figured that was probably the point, right. But more than that, the fourth game felt like it was designed for Martyn to lose. He wasn’t like Timmy (thank God for that) - he was a survivor. Not a winner, no, but a survivor. What good was that, though, when his time was running out either way? He thought he’d experienced desperation before: desperation to protect his king; desperation to bring Timmy and Mumbo back; desperation to get a kill; none of it compared to the ever-increasing desperation of running out of time, the hyper-awareness of exactly how long he had left to live. He had to get more time. Get more time, and perhaps win one of these damn things for once. Not that it would change anything… probably? He’d have to ask Scott. He’d asked Grian before, what it felt like to win, but all that Grian had said was that it felt like losing.

That night, as they enjoyed a (now blissfully unobstructed) nighttime view, Scott told him, “It felt like being free, for a moment. And then for an even briefer moment it felt like I was looking down on the world, like- like I was outside of it looking through a window, if that makes sense. And then I was dead, so it didn’t even really matter.”

“I might as well not even bother winning, then, I can just go up to Skynet when TIES aren’t looking and that’s basically the same thing.”

“Honestly? Yeah. Not worth it. But we might as well try anyway, because giving up is just kind of sad and I am not letting Jimmy outlive me. Besides, I want to win again out of pure spite, ‘cause whoever’s up there probably already hates me anyway for the boogeyman thing. Both boogeyman things. I don’t kill someone, I get smited literally out of the world for winning, and then when I do kill someone I’m ‘ruining the suspense’! These games are rigged!”

Scott doesn’t notice the change in Martyn’s expression - he’s too busy glaring at the sky to notice something dawning on Martyn’s face, equal parts realisation and apprehension.

“You think there’s someone up there, what, just watching us kill each other over and over?” Martyn asks, his voice measured.

“I mean, maybe? Someone’s gotta be running these - other than Grian, I mean. Grian’s in charge, yeah, but even he can’t change his timer, right? And sometimes even when nobody else is around, like when I’m just mining for diamonds - do you not get that feeling, like there’s someone watching you?” Scott replies.

He was only ever meant to watch.

A fragment of a fragment of memory flashes into Martyn’s mind, and the words spill out before he even consciously processes what it is that he’s remembering.

“Scott, I- I heard them once. Not even once, actually, it was more like, what- five or six times? They’ve never- you’ve never heard them?” he says, but the bewildered expression etched onto Scott’s scaled face tells him all he needs to know.

“Heard them? Martyn, they’re- they watch, that’s all they do, they don’t talk to us. I’ve never heard them. But,” he added hastily, “I believe you. You’re my ally, and there’s just no reason why you’d make that up anyway. What would even be the point, unless this is supposed to be your idea of a ghost story.” Which was as fair a reason as any for believing your friend slash bodyguard’s experience hearing unknowable beings in his mind, Martyn supposed.

“It’d be a pretty crap ghost story to scare you with, seeing as it only ever seems to affect me,” Martyn chuckled a little, his tension already fading away. “I’m gonna be honest, I’ve never actually told anyone about it before. Never really had anyone I could just sit down and talk to about it. No thanks to you last time around.”

“Yeah!” Scott said simply, in the tone of voice that Martyn can’t help but smile faintly at upon hearing it. “I’ve told you and Pearl like a million times, it was your own fault Cleo and I were better soulmates for each other. You’re not doing bad this time though, apart from, you know, trying to boogey me after we became allies. So I guess I can listen.”

Martyn didn’t tell Scott everything - admitting the context in which they had told him they could bring Mumbo and Timmy back was just a bit too embarrassing. But the rest he explained as well as he could remember - it almost felt like it had happened to someone else by this point, and maybe in a way it had. He wasn’t a Hand of the King, or a grief-stricken Southerner, or alone and hated by a soulmate simply because they were too alike. They were him, but not in the same way that the man stargazing on a manmade island with his friend was him. The memories felt borrowed, almost.

“…And you’ll tell me if they come back? Even if they want you to kill me and they’ll reset your timer in exchange or something?”

“Probably?”

“I let you kill me to give you time. You are not going to find a better friend than me on this entire server.”

“Alright, fine.”

(my friends and i were talking about how if martyn ever did decide to get anyone involved in the watcher lore, scott joining in would absolutely slay. ive never finished a full piece of writing in about eight years and i wrote this in one go and its 4am now be nice to me olease. and also for clarity this is mid session 4 before martyn actually hears the watchers again)

#limited life smp #limited life spoilers #inthelittlewood #smajor1995 #grian #mean gills #mem writes #<- AOUHHG #mean gills my sillies…

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boxwinebaddie · 2 months

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STAN HAS THAT K CHOKER RIGHT? DOES THAT MEAN KYLE HAS AN S NECKLACE? like he could totally stack his s necklace with his star of david one

aaaaaaaaa

you know i love a lil matchy-matchy moment~

and actually, i accumulated a lot of different asks actually, mostly, interestingly enough asking me about the same roundabout thing: if jersey wears rings, how he feels about jewelry, if he has any tattoos or other piercings, stuff of the like, etc.

but i never got around to answering those because i'm kind of a perfectionist and i get all worked up in my head about how i'm going to answer things because i want them to be perfect ( i keep trying to structure nsfw ask like it's a nine page research essay, smh ) buuut

basically, as we all know well, jersey is…Particular.

particularly abt himself and what is done to him/on him.

( okay, fair warning: the rest of this answer is very long and i just talk a lot about the former question about jersey/his attachments to material things and also physical-emotional things — people — you do not have to read all that...the short answer is yes, kyle does stack a stan 's' necklace with the star of david, i talk about it more at the end, but this intro part is a lot of exposition and information. so if your curiosity does not end there...perhaps i can further it below xx )

a lot of it ties into his ocd and this need to control every aspect of his life, not being able to put it in anyone elses hands but his own because he's scared of that improbability...that margin of error.

it keeps him up at night.

for that reason, even though he has a ton of health issues, diabetes, etc. he is extremely Defiant and Volatile in doctors offices. like, he will start throwing shit, rip ivs out of his arms, ask you to explain what you are giving him In Detail and will probably still refuse to take it.

tbh, the only reason he's taking any medication at all is because he really loves sheila and she is extremely worried about losing him </3

( jersey is a mommas boy, i said what i said! )

but he takes his own blood sugar, pricks his own fingers, runs all his own tests...he really does not trust anyone else w/ that kind of thing. which ties into piercings because he does...think that they're…lowkey, highkey *jersey vc* Hawt, i’m sorry; it's true.

i do think it's his...Thing.

the man really just wants a little hot topic emo boy accessory display for a boyfriend and he is right for that. cute, shiny, edgy. i respect it.

eye candy, arm candy, if you will?

( jersey is extremely partial to candy, ofc <3 )

and idk, maybe it's just a me thing, but to me, jerseykyle, specifically, is very conceptual and is intrigued by fashion and stuff, but because when he was overweight growing up, he was sort of just shoe-horned into all this oblong, ugly clothing, whatever would fit or they could afford. so he never really got to be able to wear things he wanted to, until about right now and it's been really liberating for him? idk? aaa

i love sleek, chic, dark academia, tired 1940s evil classics professor, thrift store couture jersey in his dollar store blazers and italian loafers. like my man is an off duty model, forreal. i am obsessed with him.

and actually he really Likes tattoos and piercings and dyed hair and thinks all the little rings are cool because you're like this living art form, this distinct individual, there's a uniqueness, a cool rebellion there he can’t create have within himself, so he combats/masks it as disgust and disinterest because he doesn't like to process his complicated feelings and also doesn't like forming attachments...especially...

...to things he's inexplicably Drawn to.

which is why, initially, upon even just bearing witness to raven of crimson dawn, kyle freaked out because he was like immediately Extremely Attracted to him because he checks all these little boxes in his brain, but his brain, of course, is corroded by mental illness and trauma, so he immediately projects extreme amounts of hostility in raven's direction because he is like you're all chaos and disorder, you're a mess, you throw caution to the wind, You’re Unpredictable.

when he’s actually obsessed w/ that capricious energy?

like he makes fun of stan for all his punk rock boy 'hood ornaments' and 'anarchical embellishments', but his heart starts racing every time stan winks at him and his little eyebrow piecing winks back, or he runs his tongue over that lip ring kyle got hyperfixated on, partially because it's pretty, which...rip, not even joking…

if stan comes out in the support rock, fuck a rockstar tank top, the tiny pants and sports that little lip ring chain thing that connects to the cuff on his ear...it does something seriously ( down ) bad to kyle's brain and stan is immediately getting Railed. soz if you were waiting for stan's autograph, hes gettin ky's all over his body. woops.

but!!! it's mostly bc stan had the courage and hedonism to put something through his lip and live with it. that he could get other piercings, get tattoos, let people handle him, put his life into someone else's hands, let them have control for a second, knowing they are executing the thing you want/need without you doing it...

it's literally All a control thing.

or rather, an inability to lose it.

because he's very particular, yeah, about what he likes and doesn't like, he won't wear any fabrics that itch or bother him, he won't buy something if the hem pisses him off, if he has to wear something he doesn't like, he will bitch and moan the entire day about it. and while it's good to have that level of self-assuredness, it's also kind of a self-preservation and self destructive coping mechanism for jerseykyle.

because he pushes everything out...

but doesn't let anything else in.

and a lot of that changes when raven/stan comes back into the picture, because when they were growing up, stan was this beautiful, glowing fixture of nonconformity, this pillar of strength that was twice as strong as he was, even though kyle was the fighter. because stan fought for self-acceptance and kyle fought for self-loathing.

and really...the reason why his ed developed in the first place was because gerald and society as a whole brainwashed him into hating himself and that people would only digest him if he was in small enough, beautiful, palatable enough pieces to eat so even though he acts out or throws punches: It’s All Within The Lines.

or the confines, rather.

of the person he thinks people want him to be.

but, idk, i'm talking too much. basically, gist is, kyle has a hard time handing over control to other people/being vulnerable and the final piece to that is...permanence.

a piercing...a tattoo...is Permanent.

i mean, sure, they close up and you can get them removed, but you are irreconcilably changed and altered. you are different now.

anddddd sigh, the jersey can't say i love you ask strikes again! because jersey can't say i love you because it's handing over control, because it's vulnerable because it's...permanent and he has extremely deep-seated commitment issues because of all of that.

which means he rarely, if ever, makes said commitments.

so when he Does...

it's a very special thing indeed.

because jersey has no tattoos or piercings on his body.

save for the sun/moon one he got on his ring finger for stan ( i can never decide if i want jersey to have the sun tattoo because he is the sun or if he has the moon one so he can wear rae around with him )

*** ( i also think it's possible he might get little hebrew things for his mom or idk, something very important later...i'll think about it more )

and...One ear piercing.

i was going to go at this in more comical and dramatic way in an old post, but basically, i think kenny/bebe/craig someone basically joked about there being reduced earring piercings at claire's and they should take kyle because he's the only one without pierced ears and jersey gets really defensive about it and everyone's like ooooh! kyle's scared to get his ears pierced, so the competitive and aggressive side of him that hates to lose briefly outweighs the neurotic side and is like "fuck you!!! let's go right now! i'm not scared of anything!"

and he gets there, stan's with him, and he is...freaking out in the little plastic chair with some eight year old girl next to him ecstatically getting her ears pierced for her birthday, bc he's going to have to let someone...do something to him/inflict something on him.

( which actually, i think, is what is really beautiful about j.k and r.s' relationship and dynamic, is that jersey teaches raven that you can't just let people do things you don't want them to do to you just because you feel like you should ft. his sexual trauma and stan teaches kyle that it is okay to let other people in, to do reckless things, to allow yourself to feel and enjoy simple pleasures w/o fear. ft. his ocd

lmao, is there a branch in my eye again? y is it Watering )

and ravenstan is like, mi amor, they are just your ears, you will be okay, i will hold your hand…

everything will be fine, i swear. :’) <3

and he gets hyped up, ready to go, the 16 y/o piercing his ears tells him she'll count to three and pierce on one.

...and she pierces on Three.

i'm not sure if it's bc she pressed too soon or because she thought that if she surprised him, it might make him less nervous, but it does not!!!! kyle FREAKS out!!!! his ocd goes haywire and basically has a nervous breakdown at freaking /claires/ bc she pierced his ear before she SAID she would and destroys the confidence that he built up to let himself be vulnerable.

it seems like a Silly thing...but i think it says a lot, yknow?

and though it was a serious blow to his ego, kyle only has...one ear pierced because he panicked and could not get the second one done. and it, to this day, is one of the only asymmetrical things abt him. which, i actually think is important to him coping w/ his ocd

( similar to how kyle, sorry slight nsfw, having stan have to ask for things if he wants them, helps him, in a seemingly innocuous way, build confidence in himself/not let things just 'happen' to him without his consent ) because having only one ear pierced means he has to deal with being lopsided and that, everyday the earth doesn't crash into the sun...means that he's okay.

also a cute thing about the one ear piercing is that i think kyle wears like this cute little gold sun dangly one that has a similar ambiance to the sun and moon glasses chain charms? it's his signature.

and other than showering, sleeping, etc. he only really ever takes it out when raven is going off somewhere far away :( and he switches it with a little stan silver earring ( idk kyle feels very gold jewelry bc of his orange hair and stan feels v silver bc of his blue eyes and stuff ) and stan sometimes takes kyle's with him on tour...AAAAA i'm sad

on the subject of rings, since someone else asked me, kyle does not wear rings even though he does like them/they're pretty because they're heavy, they clank against his pen when he's writing, the sound pisses him off...but he wears stan's lil silver emo boy rings when he's away and gaslit himself into liking the sound because the sound it makes against his pen reminds him of the sound it makes when stan is excitedly scribbling song lyrics and singing to him aaaaa IM :(

WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS AGAIN?

oh, yeah.

extreme mental illness.

so jersey never makes adjustments or accommodations for anyone, and when he does it's a big deal...but really...

it's because Stan is a big deal to him.

stan is EVERYTHING to him.

and kyle thinks it's cute that at every show and every concert, stan always wears the little spicy k charm on his emo boy choker ( and got the little even spicier inner thigh tattoo w kyle's name on it...anyways )

so, he starts wearing a little s around his neck for stan.

which, initially, i'm sure you're like...oh God.

jersey making an adjustment to his very specific cartoon character outfit alignment of things he wears every day, things he wears at home, things he wears specifically when going out depending on the environment...this sounds like a recipe for disaster. this is a big change for him. he's gonna spin out or short circuit his brain.

but...really? it feels as easy as Breathing.

because for one of the first times in his life, kyle got something that he didn't just get for him, w/ selfish intentions or bc he needs to be in control...he got it...

to make stan happy. :)

and it does make him very, Very happy, indeed.

which is really funny to me because jersey is super annoying and just starts wearing it and pretends like he doesn't know what's going on bc he's bad at ~gestures~. so stan comes home, sees it and immediately is like *big stan eyes* 'what are you wearing??'

and kyle is like, ‘oh, this? i've had it forever, it's was just in the back of the closet. why? is it wrinkled or—‘ and stan is like 'no, dummy. the NECKLACE' and kyle, playing dumb, trying to act nonchalant because he's kind of embarrassed abt having emotions is like 'oh, that. y'know. just something i'm trying out...' and stan is like

'kyle broflovski, are you wearing a necklace with my initial on it????' and kyle is like 'alright, woah there, mr. celebrity. but not eeeeverything is about you, okay? that s could stand for anything.'

and stan is like *genuine heart eyes wowza because kyle is being annoying but stan loves dumb annoying kyle that's why he wears his lil possessive emo boy k charm on his choker everywhere* 'okay, well the k on mine stands for kiss me or kiss me kyle or whatever you want just, come and kiss me please' kshdlkshd <333 eWW

anyways...they're Gay. they're in love. they having matching tattoos and earrings and wear eachother's intials around their neck. nbd.

but...in a very longwinded format, i hope this answers your question baby and hopefully some other questions you have abt jersey. i'm sorry that was a lot but i literally could talk about jersey forever, like he is so fascinating and bc he's our narrator and he's such an unreliable one, it's hard to understand how his brain works.

hope this helps. <3

uncle nina, keeper of the cryptid jersey whore-lore

#okay i am sorry #i know this barely answers your question #but i got a lot of similar questions #and i wanted to answer them in one big ask while i was feeling inspired so here is a bunch of jersey trauma lore #i hope it's fascinating i find it all super fascinating #because he presents like this perfectly in control orderly well maintained militant self-satisfying self gratified thing #but it's just a front for the fact that he's scared of change and is scared of not being in control or making mistakes #like he is put together but a breath away from falling apart #stan teaches him to sit down kyle teaches him to stand up #also sorry kyle having a fascination with edgy boy things and piercings and stuff in particular is kinda spicy to me #i luv him like he really is like that man is a satanic abomination and i want to do terrible horrible depraved things to him #like he really saw raven of crimson dawn and was like oy gevault i have never wanted to cut my lip open on anything #more than on that mans lip ring holy hell oh my god he is so shiny and ripped up and his makeup is so cool #he is a celebrity he has no original thought he doesnt think abt anything thats why he has all those tattoos and piercings #but also y do i want to trace my fingers down them every time i look at him he reveals himself more to me i want to learn more #kinsey scale gay 6 jerseykyle everyone but specifically for dramatic crybaby bisexual punk rock boys w/ piercings #which...i think is incredible bc i do not think people would expect that from kyle...but people also thinks he cannot feel #BUT HIM ADJUSTING HIS WELL REGIMENTED LIFE TO INCOPORATE STAN INTO IT I WANT TO SCREAM #HIM LEARNING TO LET OTHER PEOPLE DO STUFF FOR HIM AND BE OKAY WITH THEM HELPING HIM #I WANT TO START FUCKING SCREAMING I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY I LOVE JERSEYS CHAR DEV #ok final thot is he does sometimes do a gold jewelry ring moment or somethin if he's feeling like its important to the look #but they are very insignificant things for aesthetics easily taken off or removed...its the important stuff he has trouble w #and makes it all the more rewarding i think <3 #ily jers #okay last last small thing as far as like getting little piercings and random fun tattoos goes i just think he doesnt want any #boring king ik minus the ocd and stuff he just likes all his stuff to be very a-line and crisp doesnt like massive statements #like my man Is the statement like he has beautiful luxiourous curly red hair and green eyes and his nose a modern art piece #its too busy for him its distracting and u know thats what u have a hot rockstar bf for so u can pretend 2 read ur book #but the plot of the book is tracing ur sbfs sexc hip tattoos and helping him decide what belly button ring hes gonna wear #you know!!! The Plot!!! which kyles eidetic mem comes back but he does get distracted looking at stan a lot help

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