#They are just harder to eat though

[cxpperhead]

🍓 - What allergies or intolerances do your Muses have? How do they handle them? Is it something potentially dangerous or just inconvenient? How do they avoid triggering these intolerances?

Random Headcanons (Tagging @themckaytriarchy and @smilingmxsk since you asked the same things!)

Copperhead doesn't have much in the way of allergies! Thanks to strong stomach acids, he can eat just about anything but tough, leafy greens aren't food he enjoys consuming nor does his body approve. Sure, he can eat them if there's nothing else but he won't gain the same nutritional benefits as a regular human would, his snake-like physiology being able to subsist happily on a carnivorous diet. While Copperhead loves fruit, certain fruits are harder to enjoy due to the structure of his teeth. Apples are by far one of the hardest to bite into since his fangs are made for piercing flesh, not fruits and apples... well, they're hard and crunchy, and the core is so unpleasant what with the pips and internal structure surrounding them. Better to just cut them up and swallow the slices down that way, though the cronch still eludes him. Foods that smell or taste very strongly can be quite offensive since like all snakes, Copperhead's tongue is highly sensitive. He can tolerate and even enjoy spices but there are limits to what he can handle and if it tastes bad just by walking into the room, there's no way he's putting it into his mouth.

#goldenmedic #themckaytriarchy #smilingmxsk #memes ;; random headcanons #🐍 || headcanons #Thank you for sending these in everyone! #I added the bulk of them into one post since I'm juggling chores #I thought it would be funny and ironic if Copperhead struggled with eating apples the most #Because snakes and apples you know hurr hurr #They are just harder to eat though #Fangs aren't made for grinding and crunching fruit so apples are just one of those fruits where it's better to slice them first #Rather not risk biting his tongue trying to cronch one

[lokh]

its sooo fun how dungeons reveal the psyche of the dungeon lord like. thistles dungeon was so planned and meticulous but so full of ghosts and unravelling at the end. mithruns dungeon was apparently so convoluted and 'made out of jealousy, lies, anger and inferiority'. marcilles dungeon was like.... that lmao, everything being brought to the same level with no real regard for what that might do to the ecosystem, and laios' dungeon ultimately ends up spilling out onto the surface. becoming one with it you might say

anyways if you were a dungeon lord what would your dungeon look like

#your dungeonsona. if you will. ur dungeon lordsona? #dungeon meshi spoilers #dungeon.... does not look like a word to me anymore. #dungeon meshi #me realising i never answered my own question. in my dungeon i force u to make ur own dungeon #to be real though probably a lot of dead ends both ways #realising that there are probably desires antithetical to. having a dungeon #but also desires that if eaten first would drastically change someones outlook/goals #and maybe even dungeon...? #i suppose a demon might eat that last though. seemed the case with thistle #so probably a very inconsistent dungeon tbh but in an unfortunately (for me) predictable way #in the sense that some areas would be like. fleshed out and detailed and others are just not good.... #we cant all be thistle or laios!!!! #how quickly would someone be able to crack my dungeon?? another good question #i would be super mad if people solved it quickly #but im thinking harder about it and. that demon might starve to death dhfbbfbf #would not be an ideal target ....... #but playing in the space where somehow im convinced to become dungeon lord

[katsuhiras]

froggy Niki

#enstars #ensemble stars #niki shiina #i know i have complained about computer issues so much the last few days but im going to do more #its SO annoying adjusting to using my tablet with a laptop everything is harder even just trying to do simple neat lineart #im going to eat drywall. my hair color looks wonderful though

[softquietsteadylove]

Hey i know you already make a Thenamesh hunger games au and i just can't keep my mind of it specially now, Can we ask for a part 2 of it maybe when they already in the battle field.

Ikaris was not invincible. None of them were. Thena said so herself.

Gil stared him down, his chest heaving from running through this bizarre fabrication of a tropical jungle. He needed fresh water - any water - and fast. And now he was facing down by far the deadliest tribute in here.

Well, maybe the second deadliest.

"Oi," Ikaris tipped his chin at him, "tadpole."

Gil almost rolled his eyes before he remembered his order to never take his eyes off the enemy. He gulped. Ikaris was not invincible. Ikaris had a terrible temper.

"You volunteered, right?--for your nerd brother," Ikaris grinned at him, completely menacing. He certainly had the handsomeness and charm of a Capitol trained career tribute. "Y'know my bitch companion volunteered for her brother, too. She's the reason I'm in here."

Ikaris had a terrible temper. He was easily baited. Gil gulped, "I-I thought you careers all wanted the chance to fight in the Games."

"Yeah but not 'cause blondie got me stuck here."

Thena was right, Ikaris would kill anyone, and she was top of his list.

Gil kept his weight on his feet light. He wasn't as agile as Thena, but he knew he was definitely stronger than Ikaris. Ikaris had showy muscles for a specific strength, but Gil was certain he could out strong-arm him. It was the murdering that Ikaris would have the upper hand in.

"I've seen 'er talk to you," Ikaris continued. "You know where she is?"

Gil's blood chilled. That was why Ikaris hadn't launched a spear right through his heart on sight. He was hunting for Thena - his biggest competition - first. "No."

"What'd she promise you?" Gil didn't like the smirk on his face. "A li'l, uh, fun, eh?"

Gil's stomach twisted.

"You help me find her," Ikaris fixed his cold blue eyes on him, "I'll let you make good on that promise."

"I know she'd launch herself out of the arena before she would let you touch her."

Ikaris had a terrible temper, and the effect was obvious and immediate. He snarled, baring his teeth.

Taunt him, tease him, anything necessary, Gil heard in Thena's voice. He glared at him more, "that what pisses you off the most? That Thena doesn't care for your Golden Boy act? That she's the only girl in the world who doesn't want a damn thing to do with you?!"

"Shut your filthy mouth, you loach!"

Gil gripped Ikaris' arms as he charged in at him. Thena was right about his technique being simple and sloppy, too. He used brute strength, but he didn't have skill like she had. Gil had sparred with her a few times during assessments; Ikaris was nothing in comparison. Heavier, but nothing.

In retrospect, it was probably Thena doing him a favor and letting him show off his strength, even then. She had a weird way of looking out for him, and he only hoped he would get to pay it back somehow.

Gil twisted Ikaris' arm around, wrenching his wrist the wrong way and stealing his spear for himself. This would help him fish if there was any water to be found at all in this hell.

"Coward!" Ikaris roared at him as he scrambled to pursue him, injured or not.

Gil kept running. He didn't want to kill anyone in here. Not even Ikaris.

"Get back here!"

Gil squeezed his eyes shut. Ikaris was faster than he was. He sprinted harder, but he had been running this whole time. He didn't have the stamina of someone who had trained for this their whole life.

"Open your eyes!"

Gil skidded to a stop, slipping slightly on the jungle floor. He twisted to look behind him, vines and leaves in his way. He saw a flash of gold, and Ikaris a few paces behind him. Then Ikaris had a knife in his shoulder. Two--three knives driven into Ikaris' already injured side threw him to the ground.

"Move!" Thena turned, screaming at him over the drum of blood in his ears. She reached out, gripping the shoulder of his sparkly uniform suit and dragging him with her. "Come on!"

Gil let her basically drag him with her. He looked at her hand. She had her knives, a blade of any kind being her signature weapon of choice.

"Gil!" she barked at him, pulling him behind a tree and shaking him. "Look at me!"

He blinked, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. He had been fighting Ikaris. But now he was looking at Thena, with her blonde hair in a tight braid, her pretty green eyes, her pale skin. He was in the jungle, with Thena.

"Gilgamesh," she shook him again. This was why Kingo told him that Thena had so much skill; she didn't have the personality for tribute gifts. She was beautiful, though. "Gilgamesh, look at me and listen."

"I am listening."

"Where are you?"

"The Capitol," he repeated dumbly, just staring at her. But the edges of his vision were coming back, slowly. "The Games--the dome."

"Where is your home?"

"District 4." Home, in his little shack he shared with Phastos, Dad buried on the island and barely scraping by, just the two of them.

"Who are you here for?"

"My brother." Phastos wasn't a Fighter. He was a Thinker--he was gentle hearted, and kind, and he wouldn't have survived in here. Phastos had someone who loved him. Phastos had found love, somehow, in a world like this--a love that was already hard enough. "I'm here for my brother."

"Good." She nodded sharply, slapping him on the arm. She had a sparkly jumpsuit on too, but hers looked better than the rest, Gil thought. She gripped the two - mismatched - knives in her hands. "Let's go."

"Thena," he blinked.

"Here." She said it softer, pulling out a tiny canister from the side pocket on her leg. "It's not much, but there was some rain dripping off the tip of the cornucopia."

Gil gulped down what little water it was. She was right it wasn't much, but by all the districts it was more than he'd had, and he needed it.

"We have to keep moving."

Gil swiped at his chin and licked his lips, eager for every little drop. He looked at Thena's back as she started walking ahead of him, head twitching every which way to keep a lookout for them. "Please tell me you had some of that too."

Thena didn't even look over her shoulder at him. "Have you found any food?"

That was a no. Gil huffed, gripping the spear he had gotten from Ikaris. "I was looking for water. Even if there are weeds at the bottom, I can make us something edible."

That did get her attention. She nodded, saving her words and moving along.

"You're here for Druig," Gil said, and finally got to see some sort of human reaction from her. "That's what you keep telling yourself, right?"

Thena pushed some foliage out of their way, seeming to head in a very determined direction. "Might help keep you sane."

Gil understood that well. He cleared his throat, making sure not to trip on any roots or get caught on any vines. "Phastos...he's really nice. He's funny, too. He's not that strong a swimmer, but he, uh, he like--he invents stuff? Like h-he made a contraption that helps us get the nets in faster. Like an engine that makes the arm on the boat into a fishing rod reel."

Thena paused, holding a leaf up for him to follow. She was smiling. "He sounds like a good kid, Gil."

He smiled at her too, holding up the leaf for himself. She was shorter now that he was closer to her. "What's your brother like?"

Thena waited, really seeming like she was debating answering him at all. But she sliced through a vine in front of them and sighed. "Druig is four years younger than me. He shouldn't have been in the draw to begin with, he was just born early."

He was born early, and already as young as he could be to be in the draw--no wonder she had volunteered for him without hesitation.

"We have no one else," she said more quietly, looking around again. "I made Ajak promise me that if I died, that she would make sure he was taken care of."

"I'm sure he will be," Gil said quickly. They were pretty hollow words. But he meant them all the same. She looked at him just the way he would expect, too. But he smiled, "if he's as smart as you say he is, right?"

That seemed to surprise her. She smiled again, that pretty one that made her a crowd favourite. She smiled with her teeth; he thought it was cute. "Smarter."

#Thenamesh Hunger Games AU #girrrrrrl I have so much #this is very on trend #Ikaris sets out to find Thena first #because either he kills her first #or he kills her last in a much harder fight #there is no middle option he knows this #Gil runs right into him like FUCK #uhh.....youre ugly #Thena hears about it though and tells him he did well #it definitely saved his life to get Ikaris riled up like that #they get to the water and Gil is like I'll make us something to eat #Thena entrusts first watch to him #he's astounded she trusts him #but they both came here for their brothers #he doesn't nod off at all just keeps watch as Thena rests #Flickerman shows a montage of Gil gazing at her lovingly and says ooh perhaps some romance on the battlefield? #Gil doesn't know of course but Kingo snickers because aw the boy would be so shy and embarrassed #getting shipped with his crush on national television #welcome to the child murder channel

[yeehawbvby]

Um. A fee I didn't know I was being charged for from the service I order meds from just came out of my bank account and now I have negative money

Anyone wanna pay me to write or doodle things for them?? ;;w;; My Ko-fi is in my pinned post if so.

Just let me know exactly what you want (and who you are, so I can contact you here! Or you can DM me letting me know which request was yours) and I'll get right to it. I don't have a commission sheet or anything so just give what you can and I'll do my best to make it worth it.

I'd really appreciate any help I can get right now from those of you who can spare it!!

#when i asked for money for my volo microorganism it felt silly and i was half joking. this is serious though and i feel rly bad about it tbh #i don't mean to beg but like. PLEASE consider #seriously ANY little bit helps #just. god. #been in a depressive episode for months. can't get a job. my health is worsening. i can't eat because my throat muscles no longer work #can barely sleep lately which is making it harder to apply for jobs and stuff. just had to have my partner pay over 1k in car repairs that #were necessary but i couldn't afford myself. still have to do christmas shit. still have to schedule my wisdom tooth surgery. #this feels terrible. everything is going so wrong lately. not to bring on the pity party but like holy shit lmao #i'm in shambles lately and idk how much the overdraft fees will be but just knowing I might be fucked is already tolling on me so hard #shut up crisa

[icewindandboringhorror]

a boye whom'st loves to attack paper balls

#cats #nhgnhmmm.. yommy... paper favorite food #(I do not actually let him eat paper) #ALSO I'm still working on doing the poll adventure thing I've just had a lot going on. as usual. It's actually harder than #I initially thought to regularly find time to do a quick ms paint sketch and a small writing blurb #it's like even though it doesn't take extremely long it's still one of those things that is hard to carve out a little portion of the day #to do if your day is set up in a way not conducive to portion carving #BUT .. at least I have posted many drafts #as usual.. my style of like.. post nothing for 3 weeks then randomly post 25 things at once #NO idea why my brain works that way. it just does. it's easier #even though I know it's worse in terms of like. social media #the algorithms in most places prefer consistent steady uploads over time. not jarringly wavering between absence and hyper presence #then absence again. but .. alas... #Good to clear out a few drafts once in a while anyway. And I do really want to get back to scullptures and costumes. I stopped as much for #a while due to the pandemic (can't go to the bins anymore to get new supplies for costumes and stuff) as well as my worsened #health things/lack of energy and also my chest injury (so repetitive movements with my arms such as sitting in the same #position sculpting for 4 hours or changing clothes multiple times in quick succession etc. could flare it up) but obviously #none of those things are going to get better any time soon. so I should probably just try to do it here and there anyway. It's still not #safe to go to the bins. still having muscle problems. still low energy. But I could make it work maybe. I just feel bad having gotten out #of the habit when it is really fun stuff that I enjoy. Some things just get more difficult for me over time #But even like 3 sculptures and 10 costumes a year is better than 0 of any of those things. So. eh #I'm also just trying to clear out pictures still. My spring cleaning (which I do at the start of every new year instead of actual spring) #was kind of delayed this year due to me feeling sick and everything so even late into april I'm still working on the side at like orgnazing #all of the files on my computer. deleting things and backing up whatever I want to keep. clearing out photos. #editing and drafting (and maybe one day posting) old stuff form a while ago. etc. etc. #So any progress is good progress. I suppose. #ANYWAY.... a son... he gets very excited everytime he hears anyone anywhere crinkle up a piece of paper

[willow-jade]

I’ve seen people link Kaeya’s ends-justify-the-means philosophy to his being placed in Mondstadt, but I imagine it’s also somewhat necessary for him to justify the killing of hilichurls. If I could understand something with the knowledge it was once human, I don’t know how I’d cope with it without believing on some level that the situation and results are more urgent than feelings about the what led to it.

#since he knows the language presumably he knows about the connection to khaenri'ah? #in the same manner we justify #say #killing a bear that's being a threat to humans #because it's necessary #even though it's technically an animal that doesn't have morality #or being able to understand animals and still eating meat perhaps? like that doesn't change any of the factors that result in a human #(or another animal! as we observe cannibalism in the wild) #eating meat. it would just make it feel more personal and harder to disconnect from. #mine #kaeya alberich

[transzilla]

Personally i've been obsessed with scary, female and feminine phallic energy actually. Like I transitioned to male thinking I could take some of that  male power for myself, and whew jesus christ some of the shit I saw... For me womanhood has been used against me as a bludgeoning weapon but Never could I have imagined how femaleness and femininity could be used for incredible power and dominance. Both by women and feminine men. So much for harmless soft feminine energy. That's ftm rapists and abusers trying to make themselves seem soft and like women so people can't believe they could ever hurt someone. That's people using femininity and softness to control me, make me wear dresses so I'd minimize my legs and stop moving, poison all joy i could have possibly gotten from being a woman so I can't even hear my own name without flinching. That's other fucking trans men trying to lie and mislead and make me seem transfem within the lgbt community to villainize me. That's multiple of my stepmothers coming into my home, literally in evil phallic man style like in all the pretentious lit analysis, and taking all refuge and safety of my family from me. And not only for evil, like that's "playing the woman card" to get out of speeding tickets. That's trans women pioneering drag and finding ways to learn and adapt and exist in a world that seems to betray you no matter where you go, taking psychedelics and smoking mad weed and becoming incredible musicians and programmers, finding ways to be comfortable and thrive and be beautiful as a woman, like that takes incredible fucking strength that I'd say a lot of cis people don't have in them. That's hiding behind the moronic brute force of men, that's sheer resourcefulness and ambition finding and reclaiming your own power in a world that fixed to take it from you. Like goddamn.

#no tags cause i can see a lot of ways people will take this the wrong way #but lately as a man ive been dysphoric and frankly seething cause i can see things women doing that i cant #technjcally i can do all that as a man except for one thing #other trans men will treat me like shit for women. cis women but regardless im mad cus wtf women have power over me #but i have the sense to know i dont need to transition i just need to work that much harder and find other ways to get what i want #and this woman inspired me to do that even tho she took something from me. very masculine role #thank u woman. god damn you to fucking hell though #and your fucking lame ass boyfriend and his fucking gauges #hope yall EAT SHIT AND DIE #see how angry i get thats thusly a sign of weakness and powerlessness

[midnightdemonhunter]

Trial of the Frog Prince

#d20 #neverafter #gerard of greenleigh #neverafter rapunzel #dimension 20 #midnight draws #honestly though this isnt the trial that made me cry (thanks ylfa) this IS my favorite one #such a perfect blend of comedy horror and tragedy #and him eating the heron being both a win and a loss....for what it means for his humanity vs his sense of safety #very ylfa eating the wolf vibes #look you can survive now! you dont need to fear death! at what cost! #and also rapunzel's speech...so eloquent and mean and good #just GOD #one of the few trials where i came out of it going JESUS CHRIST. OKAY THAT SURE WAS A TRIAL #though heartbreaking that no one remembered that you weren't supposed to be able to say his name anymore #if theyd commited to not calling him gerard afterwards it would hit harder in retrospect

[pepprs]

not doing good. at all

#purrs #today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge #getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a #and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak #i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry #and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d #do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b #be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of #km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for #any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is #making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis #miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being #shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this #delete later

[positivelyapunovexponent-good]

it would be really cool if I could have a day this month where I wasn’t so chronically afraid it felt like my intestines were twisted into a möbius strip. Because ya’know- I really like my digestive tract being an orientable manifold. If that’s all the same to the universe.

#it’s the grad school applications I think. It’s really really getting to me #I just. I dunno. It’s hard to eat. Sleep. Talk to people. I try my best but yeah. This is most of what I think about all the time. #Is it normal to feel this bad because of them? Like is this typical levels of graduate school application stress? #The stakes feel so high even though I know they’re not. If I don’t get in I just apply for a job and then reapply to grad school later #But I think it goes deeper than that. The idea of grad school applications has got me really closely examining myself and… #I genuinely worry I’m just- a kinda mediocre mathematician at best #I’ve been starting to feel really insecure about how slow my processing speed is. Would anyone want to invest in someone like me?? #Who does legitimately have disabilities that make efficiently solving problems harder for me than most? #My dad once told me I’m not capable of thinking like a mathematician. Because I’m so slow. He encouraged me not to major in it. #I’m really happy I disregarded him. I can’t imagine doing anything else. I love math and I love research. But I wonder if he was right #I guess it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I’m going to do math whether I’m cut out for it or not. And if that has to be recreational #Because no graduate school wants me. Then so be it. #But I do really want to go to graduate school. I really love the grad level classes I’ve done. #I really hope I make it #vent #graduate school jeremiad #research jeremiad

[keeps-ache]

Cap's now :) and i made it at a reasonable hour! yippee!!

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital art #oc #blue space #aughuh my back hurts lolll #//it is So Much Fun learning how characters express #like i know Shye's expressions tend to tip to their left side #and i know Cap is harder to read so he always looks peeved lol #i want to do some for Aster and Mycal but i need. a break hhvhfhdvhb #back hurty and i'm Sleep Deprived cuz i stayed up til 5 last night drawing a stupid comic for a ridiculous inside joke. whyyyy hbghd #//anywayyyyyyy i need to draw cap n shye more. i draw them but not Enough it needs to be much more #//just realized why i keep getting Hid and Shye thoughts tangled up together. ouh #their backstories are kinda similar! and they deal with it in almost the same ways #though one is a lot less destructive but that's not the point lol-- #//MAN i should write. hhhhhhhhhhh #was gonna last night but i HAD to finish that comic and also it was 2 a.m. and everyone knows it's illegal to start writing at 2 a.m. #if it's 3 a.m. tho who cares go wild eat ham the world is your oyster and who needs sleep anyway #//ok i'm going to vanish now! watch !this! [trips and falls into a manhole]

[vzajemnik]

oughhhhh its been so long since ive gone on a date. almost a year....... also it's been almost a year since i met the last person i then used to date isnt that crazy. & i broke it off in april. & ok i did have a hookup phase but those all were straight men & the last queer person i went on a date with was in december... & she turned out to be a terf . flop after flop truly & im getting sooo lonely its unbearable. but also im finally at a point where i dont tie my image to others perception of me and i actually look how i look bc thats how i genuinely wanna look and not what i deem to be attractive just to be attractive to others. but other than that im soooo lonely and i haven't had sex in so long which like whatever that isn't even my main priority i just wanna go on a date man. i wanna meet someone who will say srh beautiful & true.....

#🗞️ #but also i feel like its harder for me to just like #. date someone & even go on a date with someone without knowing them prior #which is so crazy bc i used to love going on semi blind dates & kissing randos & all that but also i did majorly just date straight men. #& i was a lesbian all along. so yknow. i just treated it like a fun game & nothing serious #and now that i know what i want from life. im so serious about it its gonna eat me alive wnd i know it but i truly cant imagine just getting #on dating apps again. and i wanted to get on them just to meet friends but iiii dont have the energy for that at all #oughhghhg. sorry for getting so deep and personal it WILL happen again🩷 not soon though

[fvaleraye]

we've been rewatching Digimon lately, and have recently gotten to Frontier. we were thinking "oh, maybe it's not as bad as we remember, maybe the fact that it came after Tamers colored our perception of its quality." we even started watching it before Tamers, just in case. it's bad. there is so much potential here. there's so many ideas that we like. but it's bad.

#Faye Rambles #you wanna know what we completely forgot about until the rewatch? #the fact that the digi-destined get their asses kicked constantly until they don't #filler is fine; we have nothing against filler; but when the filler is the protags getting destroyed for several episodes accomplishing- #-nothing of note until they suddenly win; it's just. bro #this is not helped by the goggles lone wolf duo stealing the spotlight harder than any other in the series #while also spending seven episodes in a row getting thrashed #god. literally the rest of the team are relegated to cheer leading duty while the two of them eat dirt constantly until they don't. #like we don't hate it for being a henshin show- though we will admit the lack of true digimon partners hurts it a lot #there's so much potential here. you could have done anything with the spirits other than making them glorified transformation coupons #you could have some form of struggle with humanity #the spirits could have fucking spoke at some point; advised them #you could have had SOMETHING. #LOSING our MIND. #Tamers cannot come fast enough in this binge marathon asdfkljn

[mosstrades]

Every day I want to smoke and every day I don't because I know that beyond the arch of juvenile, relieving self-abandonment, is actual self-destruction, and there's nothing good about fracturing your ability to enjoy being alive (let alone, like, stay being alive). But when it's already difficult to connect with the 'enjoyment' part (to feel it at all, to feel you deserve it or to even believe it exists, sometimes), and you *also* take away the self-abandonment, you sort of have... nothing left going for you except the effort of self-betterment. And that's, y'know. Hard.

#not helpful that every caretaker ive ever had has been a chainsmoker #this also goes for: drinking (though less so) #and *especially* for self harm #both direct classic kinds and more insidious ones #(forcing myself not to barehandedly take cast iron skillets out of the oven at work? harder than youd think!) #ive been lucky that even though addiction runs in the family and i have mental illness ive had enough countering influences to #not fall into that trap before i knew better and could get support about it #but barreling towards your 20s like a deer towards the highway will do this to you i guess #Anyway today im going to swallow down the cynicism and try to start doing yoga and journaling again #i'll never be happy like i was but i can find something else. id rather it be nicer than getting drunk off cider and pretending i dont have #to go to work tomorrow which is what i actually want to do #nah. yoga and journaling and eating dinner. like someone who wants to live. wants to see as many sunsets as he can #and live a life where emotional intelligence and connection are not hindered #and who knows. someone who gets to feel peaceful sometimes #the effort isnt futile. it feels futile and childish but it isnt. there is a world where my heart is coherent more days than it is a fist #and thats a world worth the effort of building it #sometimes it feels inevitable though. like i *have* to come as close to self-annihilation as possible in order to earn having survived #a siren song that wont rest until i answer it and if i survive then I get to live #and everything before is just fantasy and prelude #and everything after is actually real #...guess thats something to journal about later instead of the cider thing #they werent lying that come of can age lmao #nick.txt #self harm recovery #addiction cw #vent #yeah yeah im oversharing to the void i know. its been a long summer

[glitchdollmemoria]

yknow the cool thing about having a ptsd induced bad dream is it gives me more motivation to go watch cozy movies and eat comfort food til i feel better

#after spending an hour in bed scrolling through tumblr waiting for my muscles to power on ofc #anyway little vent abt that ahead #no one has to read this ofc its really mostly just me working through it and processing it yknow #had a dream i was still involved with a couple people who are now gone from my life hopefully forever #also still dating my gf though? but he wasnt there :( #and we were in a uhaul or smth and were driving around and i felt very Uneasy #and like. i was actively in a flare up in that dream so the brain fog was making it harder to think clearly #so i felt very dumb the whole time #and so we drove through this like... pathway? with tall dark plants on either side #some kind of overgrown decorative shrubbery #and we were just chatting and i was trying to pretend i didnt feel uneasy #and then we came to this plant archway but the way was blocked by a bush about waist high #which. i have some particular feelings about that imagery. but idk if i wanna say it cus maybe im just being schizo #anyway we got out of the truck and left it there to go to the little restaurant cafe place we could see on the other side #and once we were inside we realized it was very clearly run by and for the jewish community which made me feel a bit better #so we sat at one table for a while i guess just to wait? then moved upstairs to another table to actually eat #and one of the people i was with started arguing with me and insulting me while the other one just kinda let him #bc he was like mad that i didnt tell him when to say a certain thing in a prayer i guess even though it was written on a thing on the table #and even though i was brainfoggy as hell and didnt know to expect that and he couldve looked himself and it DID NOT MATTER... #so i threw a metal thing holding the piece of paper at his head. #it kinda just bounced off him but then i walked off and he followed me and started beating me up lol #i woke up right as he started throwing punches. i think people were about to step in though #the weird thing is i think at the beginning of the dream i was ONLY with my current gf #idk how to word it but like. these other two just kinda barged right into the dream #anyway that dream is def Up There among dreams that i feel might have some deeper meaning but also not the MOST Up There #might delete later also bc The Paranoia #anyway! claps! time to watch old pokemon movies and eat pancakes