One of the pitfalls I've been struggling with over the last three years while focusing on recovering from ADHD burnout is trying to find stimuli that are enriching and not just distracting because distracting stimuli might feel like it's keeping me from being bored, but really it's just keeping me numb enough so I don't have to process being bored or any of my emotions.
And that's not great when you're trying to heal trauma.
The problem is, I'm not finding a lot of things enriching at the moment. A lot of the things I've been relying on to keep my brain quiet since 2020 now feel overstimulating and are actively making me agitated rather than numb. Which I suppose is progress? It means I'm processing things and actually aware of them again instead of perceiving everything as background static.
It's just an odd predicament to be in. I don't think I've been this 'aware' of my own brain in a long time and on the one hand, cool. Great. Probably a good thing. On the other, aaaaah. Why is it so noisy in here?
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The 2023 retro has been completed, so let's get to the 2024 kickoff!
Things I'm working on this year below the cut! This is mainly a tool for me to keep track of what I want to accomplish this year, but if I post it, then I've also got some form of accountability built in.
Storytelling in posework - what it says on the tin. My stuff is entirely 'moment in time' based, which can make some really cool action shots, but definitely also contributes to the feeling where Makhali is a deserted theme park - the colors and action are all baked into the design, but it's empty because there's no actual life in it. I think if I make myself think more in sequences of events, it will make her story more real to me.
Color theory - I've never really put much thought into the color palettes my shots get outside of very general vibe feelings. I would like to dive more into why certain colors fit certain moods, and I would also just like to play with palettes in general. Maybe find a preset that isn't Cyane Prism (or my other favorite, Cyane Prism With Some Sliders Jiggled For My Purposes, but that's a mouthful so I just say the first part).
Live multi-actor shots - I've done a few of these, and they're always a challenge. I'm fairly good at setting these up async, but I had a lot of difficulty when I tried to do it live with two friends of mine - there's just not enough time in explorer mode to set up three poses AND get good angles on them AND get good lighting for all actors AND find a preset that fits. I'd like to find a workable solution for this because it's the primary blocker for why I haven't gone to or organized any gpose meetups.
Gifs - this is easily a bonus item. I'll get to it if I feel my other objectives have been met or at least are proceeding at an acceptable pace. Once the images start moving, I call wizardry and hide in the cupboard. Maybe I can stop doing that.
As an overhang to all of this, I'm trying to be more outgoing and more present in the xiv community, and although that's not art-specific, it's something I hope will be noticeable this year.
Alright! That's it! Happy 2024 Y'all!
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I mean I'm not goin back to him I'm not(!!!) but at this point I got no idea why
Literally just screaming into the fucking void
He already broke me to the point where all the shit he's said are my only core beliefs n even if I try to shut down the voice in my head repeatin it all I still believe every damn word
So no matter how long I cut him off for it's always there just the same. But no one else can always be there to make it go away. W/ him I at least go from a total waste of oxygen to the one thing I'll ever be any good for. It's an upgrade I can almost live with.
So what's the point? What do I or anyone gain from me stayin away?
I've been tryin so fucking hard n it's just not getting any easier. I don't know where to put all this fucking self loathing, I can't keep pouring it onto other people. I always need to keep so damn much inside n some of it still spills out n that's already bordering on too much. I don't wanna be a burden. I know everyone is, to some extent, but not like this. Not all the time. Plus they have something to give in return, I only have things no one else wants, just Val's happy to take em if offered.
I still feel the pull all the fucking time. It's like the chain he used to have around my neck but I know he's not doin the pulling, he doesn't care if he has me or not anymore. It's all me now. I'm the one who keeps wanting to go back. The rational part of me is screaming no cause I know he'll just hurt me n find new ways to cut even deeper but. What's left that he hasn't already done?
Maybe this time he'll make the feelings n the noise go away. Maybe this time he'll make it all quiet.
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My favourite things about the whole OceanGate disaster, in no particular order
That the vessel was originally named Cyclops II but the CEO renamed it to Titan, so it’s even BETTER than the Titanic
He also called it indestructible
The guy piloting the vessel is an ex-naval captain who has been on several titanic manned trips. But the guy is 77 rn
The billionaire from Pakistan is apparently friends with King Charles. You’d think for someone who’s besties with a guy whose job was literally being born, he’d care more about protecting his bloodline. Instead, he brought his 19 year old with him
Meanwhile, the stepson of one of the other billionaires (I think the British one named Hamish) went to a Blink 182 concert. When questioned about this, he basically went “my family would want me to go to the concert”. Today, minutes after posting about asking for thoughts and prayers, he @‘ed an OF model on Twitter, asking her to sit on his face
Bc it’s part of the safety demo & music track list for the trip, there is a VERY good chance that if there’s still some power left in the sub, it’s playing an instrumental of My Heart Will Go On on loop
Also, the vessel is a submersible bc it doesn’t meet literally any of the safety regulations to be called a submarine. Which the CEO knew, because he’s blatantly said that safety regulations get in the way of progress
The CEO once stated that he thought the future of humanity was not in space, but in the ocean when the surface becomes uninhabitable
Apparently the controller he’s using has REAL bad reviews because the connection always fails
These idiots paid $250k EACH but they had to pack their own lunch. Not even a damn charcuterie board
The pilot’s seat is on the toilet. So whenever someone needs to go, the pilot needs to move
There’s 1 window looking out. That’s it
It’s about the size of a minivan
The sub uses texts (but only to the CEO’s phone) to communicate, as well as StarLink, but they can only access that if they surface
The door literally cannot be opened from inside
There is a decent chance that at least 1 person has been cannibalized (my bet was the pilot since he’s not rich, but bc of the banging sounds, he’s probs not dead, so it may be the CEO)
They’re supposed to run out of oxygen tomorrow (22/06/23) at 7 am est, but tbh, the CO2 scrubber system will probs fail before that
The toilet is a plastic bag
This is only the 3rd time in 3 years the vessel has gone to the Titanic. Every other time, there’s an issue and they gotta turn back within like 4 hours
A lot of major news networks are trying to remain positive, but it’s a HILARIOUS comparison when you go to social media and every single person is like “yeah that shit is built like a cardboard boat, they’re fucked”
The company’s name is literally called OceanGate
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