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d1stract-and-daydream · 2 days

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No Doubts Anymore (Simon 'Ghost' Riley x You) [Dual POV]

WC: Almost 3k

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Slight Angst, Not Beta-read.

Alternate ending where Simon didn't die, as requested by an anon!

Part 1

Deep, almost purple lines had been a permanent feature of your face, now. Where your eyeliner used to go, there are now tear lines extending from the corner of your eyes—a product of sleepless nights and unhealed grief.

Has it been four months now? Five? Hell, half a year? Time heals all wounds, they said, yet you wake up with more pieces tumbling out of your chest every day that sleep decides to grant you mercy.

Simon’s balaclava, all his bloody shirts that he used to wear, they lie pristine where you last kept them.

In a box, inside the closet.

For you fear the scent of him will disappear with every touch, every kiss upon his belongings.

But sometimes—like tonight—it gets unbearable.

Curled up on the mattress, bedsheets probably moulding in the dryer back when you had the sudden burst of energy to be productive, you took a rationed inhale of the skull balaclava in your arms.

The position was a pain to maintain. Yet, even that kind of pain was preferable. Maybe if you’re in enough physical pain, angry enough, drunk enough-

You’d said no to Price’s repeated recommendations to see a therapist, because how could he understand?

How could the man ever understand the irrational, undeserved hatred—that you’d tried to tell yourself off for—you had against him for having a hand in Simon’s death?

It was just one of the multiple poisons you’d let into your body. Hatred. Substance. Isolation.

“You’re supposed to get up, love. The bills are stacking up.”

And sometimes, like today, the ghost of him materialised to taunt you with an untouchable form. Sitting on his side of the bed—not even kind enough to make a dip on the mattress to tell you that he’s there—and talking you out of misery.

“When’s the last time you’ve eaten something? This is not how you move on.”

“I don’t want to move on! You left. You didn’t even give me a chance to say goodbye- I hate you. With all my heart, I hate you, Simon Riley.”

And, like clockwork, he disappeared into thin air.

***

It is over. He had kept up the ruse, going along with Price’s plan to pronounce several soldiers dead just so he can join a team of spies to infiltrate enemy bases and gather valuable intel.

So he spied, waiting things out until Price gave him the go-ahead to leave, knowing what was waiting for him at home; the state in which he’d left things at.

He didn’t want Price to drop his box onto your lap and let you know that he was dead. Because what use would it be for him to fight against hell, to keep the breath in his throat if it weren’t for the sake of coming home to your arms?

Still, he relented. And, for it to work,, he had to rid himself of every trace of you, just so there would be no connection linking him to his one and only pressure point.

But it’s over now, and God, he has a lifetime of apologising to do.

As soon as he reached his quarters, he knelt by the mattress he’d slept on many a night that he wasn’t able to spend besides you. He lifted it up, and under it—if one knows where to look—was a stitch where he’d taken a drag of his combat knife to before his mission, hid one item of yours he wasn’t strong enough to burn, and meticulously threaded the hole back together.

This time, his slice met with less resistance. He reached into the fillings and felt around, and, there-

He pulled out the glossy picture of you he used to keep in his wallet and brought with him to everywhere he could go.

He got it from the time he’d taken you out on the walk in mid-autumn, letting you pester him to try one of those seasonal drinks he used to care less about. There’s a photo booth right out of the cafe and, of course, you pulled him into it and took so many pictures he’d gone half-blind, but this picture wasn’t from that, no. When you were ordering the drinks, he came back out to the booth because he noticed there was an option to print his own picture from his phone.

He did his best to figure out how the fuck was he to connect his phone to sync up his gallery to it, but it worked eventually.

That damned machine ate almost thirty pounds off his wallet to print out his favourite pictures of you.

One where you were petting a dog. One where you were biting into a caramel apple. One where you had the most ridiculous foam mustache. And this one-

Where you were asleep, right next to him. An image of peace that he regrets not being able to bring you more.

Instinctually, he brought the picture to his chest, right where his heart still beat.

He’s coming home and making sure he treats you well for the rest of his life.

***

When he reached the flat, his spirit deflated, realising that it was empty.

Well, at least, that’s how it seemed from the outside. It was all dark, quiet. There was nothing that could indicate life within the walls of your home, until he heard soft, inconsistent sniffles behind the door, getting fainter and fainter the more you moved away from it.

Even though the key was in his hand, he figured it would be most sensible to knock. After all, you were under the impression that he was dead up until three days ago, when Price had hopefully relayed the actual news to you, giving you ample time to react.

Three classic knocks. No answer.

Another three. The sniffles had died down. Were you asleep?

After about five minutes of waiting, he finally decided to use the front door key.

It’s late, he thought, and you were probably comfortably sleeping.

Like he noticed from outside, the darkness bathed the entire space. Save for the dim glow from the battery-powered LED snow globe that doubled as your nightlight—signs that you were awake were minimal.

I’ll just crawl into bed and hold her, he thought, until an unpleasant smell wafted from the kitchenette.

The sequences of what greeted him? A miserable discovery.

Overflowing bins, unwashed plates. Spoiled food leaking out of the refrigerator and a full load of clothes were still in the dryer.

In truth, Simon had a feeling you’d fall into depression a week or two—a month maximum—before you moved on from his ‘death.’

It had been a year. Has this been your year? Falling into unkemptness when he never knew you to love clutter?

“Love?” He called out, softly, just in case you were really asleep. He tossed his belongings on the sofa unceremoniously—where he put his belongings were the last thing on his mind at the moment—before making his way to the bedroom.

The sight shushed his brain to a ringing silence.

In the middle of the room was the box of his military belongings, opened, its cover flapping against the opening at every oscillation of the standing fan in the corner of the room.

Two things were making sounds at that moment. The fan, supposedly comfortable white noise now an attack to his senses; you, struggling to get a breath in as you cried, hair matted and red sores visible on the sides of your hip.

“Fuck me- Love-” he immediately moved up to the side of the bed. You were facing the other way, curled up and hugging something close to your chest.

“It’s me, love, I’m back, I’m sorry,” words stumble out of his mouth in wasteful attempts. Not even managing to elicit a reaction out of you.

Hell, it took him almost a full five minutes of apologising before you even turned back to look at him.

And the first words that had come out of your lips?

“I hate you, and I wish I had never met you.”

***

Again, the vision of him came to torment you.

What is it this time? To tell you to air the room out? To drink more water?

Again, you tell him the words that would normally make him disappear.

“I hate you, and I wish I had never met you.”

It was like a spell that you had used to stop unwanted hallucinations—or so you thought. They always come back and it takes sleeping to finally stop some of the visions.

This one didn’t seem to budge. In fact, it answered! Maybe you need to take up Price’s offer for professional help.

“You don’t mean that, darling…” he spoke, face absent of the non-expression you were used to seeing in the figment of him that continues to visit you.

Of course, you don’t mean it. But how else would you deal with the fact that you’re slowly losing your mind? How else are you going to attempt to move-

The touch on your face is warm. Textured.

You can’t remember the last time you dreamt about being touched like that again, his hands brushing hair away from your face, and this time, oh, how cruel is it for it to feel this real?

How cruel, how evil?

With fresh tears and wobbly lips—your attempt at trying to hold on from simply breaking down—you whispered, “You never gave me the chance to say goodbye. Don’t you love me enough to even give me that, Simon? Am I not worth a single glance back, when we fought, when I asked you if the mission was more important than your life? Than us?”

The fight, your last memory of him, was unfortunately always the fight.

When you were uselessly clinging to him to not go because your inkling was proved true—it wasn’t a mission that he’ll come back from.

Even knowing that, he kept it to himself. You were to read and interpret his facial expressions and body language yourself, coming to your own realisation that he was given a death mission.

“I hate you,” you say again, “I don’t think I will be able to move on from you. Go away, please. Don’t haunt me anymore.”

Turning your back on him, the silence tells you that the vision had dissipated. A deep sense of regret fills you, intermingling with loss and guilt that tasted like bile in your throat.

You didn’t mean that; you didn’t mean to be mean. Maybe if you turn around and apologise, it could help ease the process. Maybe, maybe-

His sad eyes still stared down at you. It didn’t work.

Where his arms rested, the mattress dented.

“Do you mean it? Have I returned to find you hating me?”

***

He didn’t know if you’d even let him touch you, so his arms rested on the uncovered mattress and hoped for the best.

It sounded like you’ve developed venom for him. Rightfully so, given the way you ended things before he went off on the year-long mission.

Simon was not good at that, the talking part of a relationship. Despite how he presents himself, he still stuttered over his words and lost his speech when being in love occupied a big part of his brain—rendering any sort of poetic affection null. His body speaks for him most of the time.

“Am I losing my mind, or have the ghost of you taken on a physical form?”

The confusion in your face was apparently enough to put a pause on the sobs. You hadn’t an idea how relieved he is at the lack of them. Never in his life would he want to make you cry as hard again, if he could help it.

“It’s me, sweetheart. I’m back. It was a covert mission…haven’t Price informed you?”

He didn’t expect a ‘welcome home’ with cakes and a banner—but he admitted, the least he wished for was a hug. A tight, long hug, followed by a night of holding each other until his body couldn’t physically take it anymore.

Has he gone and ruined it?

“Price?” Your hands thud against the bed to feel for your phone. It had been days since you last checked it, or more. Time moves differently when you’re busy nursing loss and heartbreak. Realising the device was nowhere close, you finally got off the bed—after spending a consecutive day and a half in it—to scan the nearest floor and then-

Ah, there it is. You picked it up and unlocked the screen.

Your eyes bulged as the notifications rolled through the notifications bar, Price’s name consisting of the majority of it.

Simon trails your every movement. After his question, it took you several pauses to think, but almost a quarter of the time to look for your phone, which had undoubtedly dropped somewhere on the floor throughout the day.

His breath stills as he watched your eyes increasingly widen reading the messages. Messages that should’ve reached you at least a couple days ago, that were to prepare you for his arrival.

“Simon?” You called out as you read through each of Price’s explanations and apology. There was another number that tried to reach you, too. Also, a series of apologies—this time, more intimate.

“I’m here,” he answered. God, he wanted to hold you so, so badly. But he can wait. He waited for a year with nothing but the memories and dreams of you to keep him going. He can wait the few moments more that it took you to decide on a path.

“Simon, is- is that really you? I’m not imagining things? I swear, if it’s my head again, this is really cruel-“

“It’s me, love. It’s really me. Not a hallucination. I’m home.”

You look at the figure on the other side of the bed. Slowly, you climbed onto the mattress, scooting ever so hesitantly with your knees to the middle of the queen sized-bed, hands reaching out half-expecting your touch to go through him.

Damn it, he couldn’t wait. When you got onto the bed, his body rushed to mirror the movement, meeting you halfway and grabbing your hand to place it over his cheek—now with an additional scar over his jaw.

His eyes shut. Your touch upon him righted his world again, and suddenly-

He’s crying. Or at least, about to. He’s here, and warm and tears brim his eyes, somehow never falling down.

Most importantly, he’s home.

“My dear, what have they done to you?”

He’d returned to you almost unrecognisable—the certain look in his eyes that made him Simon washed away until only a dull imitation remains.

“Not now, love. I don’t want to talk about it now.”

He’d gone through torture before, and came out of it with deeper scars than the last.

But this torture was different. The enemy they were against was known for targeting the person closest to whomever was against them, thus the need to cut contact with you. Every night was a constant pacing, wondering if they had found you, if you were okay. Every damned moment, your imagined screams and cries took over his decisions, despite him trying his best to keep his head on the mission.

The torture was visions of you being in his place.

“Please, is it too late for me to answer your question now?”

“What question?”

You were always the more emotional one in the relationship. So, despite all the tears you’ve exhausted through months of mourning, there was no surprise that your body had decided to create more.

Though, this time, it was his head pressed to your chest instead of the other way around. Because yes, you may have suffered through the loss of him, but he had been actively fighting for his life in that same duration—and having to hide all of it from you, too, never having the comfort of home at the end of the day.

Your question, which had been making a home out of his skeleton by now.

“When you asked me if I love you. If I did enough to stay.”

You remembered that. It was a last ditch effort—perhaps a manipulative way to make sure he stays. It was a question you regretted asking. Because Simon is Simon, and there were more lives at stake than making sure your pretty little heart stays unbroken.

“I didn’t mean to ask that. Simon, it was wrong of me-“

“Yes, I do.” His answer resolute. That was to be his last mission, and he decided the minute the door closed on him when he left the flat that day. His last, and he’s going home—and if he’s lucky, you would still be there for him.

Simon straightened and this time, took you in his lap. When you didn’t fight, he leaned down and hesitated for a kiss over your lips.

When you reciprocated, his tears fucking fell, seasoning the kiss with its salty essence.

But you didn’t pull away. You kissed him, and every inch of his face, paying extra attention to the fresh scar on his jaw.

You pulled back from the kiss when you started losing breath.

“You do?” You ask, suddenly remembering the velvet box next to his dog tag resting on the dresser beside the bed. Your eyes slid to it.

Simon’s eyes followed the direction yours went.

Fuck, he thought, forgetting that he had intended to propose right after his last mission. Well, apparently the secret’s out.

“I do, I love you. And I will make sure to not make you doubt me anymore. I love you, darling. You keep my head above water.”

Perhaps it will take time to go back to the way it was. Time, and lots of outside help.

After all, there would be no sunrise without the darkest of nights.

“And you keep my feet on the ground. I love you too, Simon.”

#simon riley x you #angst with a happy ending #hurt/comfort #simon ghost riley #fanfic #simon riley x reader #ghost cod #call of duty

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literary-motif · 2 days

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Can I request a hurt/comfort fic with a listener who's dealing with anger issues? Where the listener never told Andrew they suffered from those problems?

The listener goes to therapy for it but still has those moments where they just blows up, and in one of those moments they just blow up in front of Andrew(maybe not at him but that's your choice and I don't mind it).

And it would be interesting if it happened right after(or during) the second date, where Andrew was publicly humiliated by that girl😒

Srry if this is too long of a request! Or too demanding, I hope I didn't come out that way /gen

Not at all! Hope you enjoy <3

Injustice

Andrew Marston x Reader

The walk to Andrew’s apartment was quiet. Neither of you felt like talking after what had just happened.

The scene replayed in your head on an endless loop, the stranger walking up to you, spitting accusations and insults for all to hear until she ran out of breath and threw the drink in Andrew’s face. The gasp of the other guests, Andrew’s hurt expression, and the tears glistening in his eyes that he blinked away as he got up.

Once your thundering heartbeat calmed in the night air and the adrenalin died down, your shock slowly bled into anger.

It was quiet at first, resentment and disappointment lodged inside your chest, but with every time you saw that girl throw a drink in Andrew’s face, with every time you remembered how you had scurried out of that restaurant — running from the people that would throw judgemental glances and spread even more rumors — you felt your chest tightening.

By the time you entered the apartment, you were boiling with rage.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Andrew said quietly, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it for a moment. He was tired. The ordeal had exhausted him and he could not help worrying about how this would further besmirch his reputation and put a strain on your relationship.

“This is so unfair!” you exclaimed, raising your voice. The last thread of your self-composure had finally snapped, and you could not help but vent your frustration. “How could this happen? Why the hell can’t we even get a quiet evening!”

“I know, Darling,” Andrew said, pushing himself off the door and walking towards you, “Such is life, I suppose. We need to deal with—”

“Shut up, Andrew!” you screamed, whirling around to face him and pointing an accusing finger at him. “I don’t want to ‘deal with’ anything. I’m not the problem. We did nothing wrong! The world needs to get a grip and learn how to leave us alone. It’s them, not us, you understand?”

You were panting heavily, hands clenched into fists that were shaking with rage. This was not fair. The feeling of injustice made your blood boil, clouding your mind until all you could focus on was this overwhelming anger stealing your breath and making you see red.

“Breathe,” Andrew said, placing his hands on your shoulders. It was grounding, slowly anchoring you to the present and directing your thoughts away from the restaurant.

“Remember to take a breath,” your therapist’s voice echoed through your mind, “if things feel overwhelming, it can be helpful to step away from the situation. You can close your eyes and just breathe for a minute, or take a walk to clear your head and recenter yourself.”

You shook your head furiously, looking at Andrew, “I don’t want to breathe, I want to— I want them to leave us alone. I want to take you out to a restaurant! Why shouldn’t I be able to? I want— I—”

He sighed, slowly pulling you into his chest and giving you ample time to draw back. You let him wrap his arms around you, holding you securely as he guided your head to rest against his shoulder. “Focus on my breathing,” he said calmly, taking deep breaths for you to follow. “It’s alright.”

“It’s not,” you said, beginning to relax against him as you tried to match your breathing. “I can’t believe this happened.”

Andrew hummed, tracing small circles on your back and turning his head to place a kiss on top of yours. “I know, but we’ll get through it. This is just another challenge for us to overcome.” He paused, feeling your arms sneaking around him. “Do you usually get this angry over things?” he asked softly.

“I’m working on it,” you said, running your fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. “I’ve gotten better with my therapist’s help, but sometimes things are a lot and I can’t control my anger issues.”

“I see,” he said, “Tell me if I can help you in any way.”

You chuckled, raising your head and drawing back from the embrace to look at him properly. “You’ve already helped,” you said, straightening his glasses that the hug had turned askew. “You did it quite instinctually. Anyway, you should go take that shower.”

“Will you be alright?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing in concern.

“Yes, don’t worry,” you said, patting down your coat to make sure you had your wallet. “I’m going to take a walk and pick up some food on the way. I think I need that. I’ll be back before you’re done.”

He nodded, smiling as you kissed him before disappearing through the door. Nothing would come between you. He would make sure of that.

#sakuverse #zsakuva #andrew marston #andrew marston x reader

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stevetonyweekly · 3 days

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SteveTony Weekly - May 19 - Week 20

Hi friends! My daughter's graduation activities start today (!!!!) and in anticipation of an extremely busy week, I asked @meidui to pinch hit with a guest rec list. Check out her fantastic recs, say hi, and before sure to comment/kudos the fic you enjoy!

Therapy Works (if your therapist isn't a Hydra agent) by @16woodsequ

Tony accidentally stumbles onto the fact that Steve isn't holding things together quite as well as he makes it look. As awkward as it is at first, Tony's been there, and he finds himself reaching out to him.

But the more he tries to push past Steve's walls the more he realises just how deep his issues go. And they all seem to be pointing in one direction.

Should he really be surprised to find SHIELD is at the root of it?

My Thoughts: in sequ we trust when it comes to steve whump!! poor steve is all messed up from shield's abuse and has a list of psychological/emotional issues longer than his pre-serum ailments, and the way it shows is SO SO SO detailed and devastating and believable, and tony being tony is trying to mend what's broken. this is being updated every thursday until it's done and there's so much meat in every chapter that even if you don't usually read wips, this is 100% worth following along 🥺

Just for the Conversation by @msermesth

Tony's fine. He's back on the Avengers, Steve seems to have forgiven him, and he’s building Resilient to change the world.

Then why is he so jealous of Steve’s new boyfriend?

(Or: that awkward moment when you realize you are in love with your old best friend while having a three-way with him and his boyfriend, who just happens to be your counterpart from another universe.)

My Thoughts: if you love multiverse fics like i do this is for you, it's the perfect cocktail of multiverse shenanigans 😌 and don't worry if you haven't read any of the comics before, the author's note is very helpful and you don't need much background to enjoy jealous tony and a steve sandwich <3

Fortune Favours the Bold by @bladeofthenebula27

Omega Steve Rogers is betrothed to an old rich alpha nearly three times his age, and decides on an act of passionate rebellion before his wedding.

My Thoughts: neb writes the best omegaverse fics ever so you automatically cannot go wrong, but the mistaken identity in this fic is so pleasing and steve's internal dialogue is >>>

When It Comes to Trying by @softanticipation

Steve is weird about food. Tony takes notice.

(Or, because I was once told that whenever characters share food together, it means something.)

My Thoughts: i love rereading this fic and it hits the spot every time <3 it starts in the shawarma restaurant post-battle of new york and doesn't shy away from how tony gradually goes from ""disdain"" to adoration and steve adjusts slowly and fits in better with the team, and there's flirting and steve is so sweet and tony gets so gentle with him!! and the focus on food is executed so well i want to eat the whole fic

late night talking by @omg-just-peachy

Steve realizes he can't sleep without the light of the arc reactor.

My Thoughts: if you look up "comfort fic" in the dictionary all 700 words of this fic is there!! the established relationship is established relationshipping and clingy steve waiting on tony is so sweet 🥺

#stevetony weekly #steve rogers #tony stark #stevetony #stony #iron man #captain america #stevetony fic #stony fic #fic rec

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theepoetspoem · 1 day

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We talk hurriedly

Knowing that at any moment one of us will have to go

Maybe that's what makes our eye contact so intense

Maybe it's why we kiss deeply

And hold on a little bit longer than necessary when hugging

Every moment is stolen

So we know

We have to squeeze every drop of life from "this time".

I've stopped counting. I've stopped planning for the next time. I've stopped trying to document our progress. I've stopped.

My therapist asks me where this is going

I tell her that it takes me down a road paved by his foot steps

"it's unlike you to follow anyone"

We talk more. Much more.

The tears fall. Fat heavy droplets that splash and leave smaller droplets on the wooden desk.

My finger dips into one and trails, leaving a swirl of a disappointment behind it

"does he even see this going anywhere? Did he ever respond to your question about what milestones he would like to reach with you?"

I shake my head.

"Do you think he ever will?"

I don't answer.

"Sometimes people love you because you love them"

My stomach hurts. I empty it into the trash bin I keep beneath my desk.

She looks at me a bit uncomfortably and adjusts in her chair. "Is this too much too soon?"

The truth is. I don't think there'd ever be a good time to be told what she said. There's so many things untold within those 8 words. So many implications.

She takes four steps back. "I am not saying he doesn't love you. Just that part of why he keeps you around might just be the way you hold him. Part of why he feels safe not making as much of an effort in making you feel important".

"I feel like a fish having it's scales ripped and torn from me."

She smiles a half smile. "Your descriptions always make so much sense to me. They would to anyone. You are a poet".

I shake my brain like an etch a sketch and hope to clear away the clutter.

"so, with all these unknowns. What now?"

"on paper...nothing has changed. He makes no promises. You love how you love. Nothing is different. There are no efforts to make the sacrifices you do. Today we just talk."

"I feel better with a plan"

"what would you plan for? Change? You are not the kind of person to ask for more. Even tho you deserve it."

Nothing's changed

But the weight of my soul is different

I'm walking in water

And the resistance is hard to tread through but it's not in me to give up on what I love

Every day I try to love myself

Every day I wake up and tell myself that lived experiences don't mean a lifetime of repetition.

So I do all the things

I get myself flowers. Watch movies alone. Take myself out to lunch. Buy myself jewelry. I look in the mirror and tell myself "this outfit is flattering". I wrap my arms around myself at night. I slip my fingers into the waistband and think of those lips on mine.

I will be loved.

#prsnl #words.

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arrowheadedbitch · 2 days

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Okay, I just spent, like over two hours talking about how a Leanna Firestone song (Tourniquet) is perfect for Shawn and I'll be damned if I don't make a post out of it so here we go, buckle up

Okay first of all, here's the song

Enjoy, it is VERY good

So let's get into this, yeah?

This includes my suicide attempt hc that I mentioned in a previous post in it

I have been listening to this song on loop and it's making me go just a touch feral

"You can get a new car, but you can't forget the way it sounds or feels to crash

High speed impact

Normally the first person I'd call was my dad"

But im imagining that hc/story we were talking about yesterday, so change the words tooooo.....🥁🥁🥁

"You can get a new car, but you can't forget the way it sounds or feels to crash

High speed impact

ALL BECAUSE THE FIRST PERSON I callED was my dad" AUDHDBJEHEJSJDJEJ

But, later on, I realised that the song ACTUALLY says "NO POLICE, the first person I called was my dad" NOT normally, which hits different in this context but doesn't actually change much

And like, him yelling it in front of everyoneeeee

Henry is THERE

They're all like....what do you mean by that...

He will not elaborate but now they know that apparently something bad happened to him because he called his dad?

"Shawn, what are you talking about"

Shawn does the dramatic "I said something I shouldn't have" hand over mouth clasp

He freezes, he stumbles over his words, then he makes a run for it

Everyone is just standing there confused as hell

It's such a not shawn thing to yell out and do tho that even Henry is slightly concerned

Or maybe just confused

Or offended at the implication that he somehow hurt shawn so bad with some random phonecall

And now there are a bunch of people needling him to tell them about wtf he was talking about

Pressuring him to tell them about this traumatic event

ESPECIALLY Gus, who would normally be in the loop about something like this so he's extremely concerned and maybe even a little hurt that Shawn won't tell him

Even Henry, who usually doesn't give a shit about this kind of thing, is trying to get it out of him

He mostly just wants to know what the hell shawn is blaming him for this time lol

But he doesn't get how serious this is

None of them do, that's why they keep trying to get it out of him

They just assume it's another one of those silly things he always has going on, not, yknow....SUICIDE

Not even his mom knows, maybe they'd try to call his mom bc he tells her pretty much everything and find out she ALSO doesn't know

Then they're like....Gus doesn't know......his mom doesn't know.....holy shit maybe this is serious

"Some people die before they're dead!

Building collapse, pressure outweighs the pain

I don't feel sad

I don't feel ANYTHING

Only will when the blood returns

But I'd rather be numb then know how bad I'm hurt"

Someone save my boy

He is emotionally constipated

His mom also might fly down to figure out what's happening after she gets that call

So now literally EVERYONE is bugging him about this

Poor Shawn, there's even a THERAPIST needling him about this traumatic event now 😭😭😭

And everybody wants to know

At this pace he's gonna become a hermit so he doesn't have to tell anyone 😭😭😭😭

"So, I'll keep the tourniquet on

I'll block it out and off

Cuz I don't need anyone

I don't need anyone

I don't need anyone at all

If I keep the tourniquet on"

I think all of this would lead to Shawn blowing up on then, maybe he'd say something that accidentally gives away more of what happened but I don't think he'll be able to bring himself to actually say out loud what happened, at least not to them

Because, well, emotional constipation, anyone?

He wouldn't talk about his feelings at gun point

"Maybe we always start

Back where we end

Don't know if I'm God

Or if I'm sisyphus"

But maybe change to

"I try to act like God

But I'm just sisyphus"

Or something similar

Now, to get into a SECOND POINT ABOUT THE SAME SONG HAHA!

So, this first part has been about Shawn saying the stuff in the song or just really good lines that he would relate to

But this next part is more of an....application for all of this

Imagine with me, if you will

Shawn does a few artsy stuff like....drawing that he doesn't really like to show off a lot, so imagine this,

/Shawn would totally be a good songwriter/

Imagine he wrote a few songs as more of like journal/vent things and he never wants them to see the light of day

This is while him and Jules are together btw

So, Juliet finds out about the songs, he tries to brush them off bc he doesn't like to think about them and he doesn't want her to see them, that kind of thing, but she reads it as insecurity

This is the same woman who went around Lassies back to plan him a birthday party and accidentally invited a bunch of criminals, so, I don't think it's that big a stretch that she would try to do something to make him feel better about his music and go behind his back a little to do it so she can *surprise* him

She grabs the first complete song she can get her hands on, maybe glances through it but makes the mistake of not reading it thoroughly and submits it to a song writing competition, if it loses, Shawn will never know, if it wins, boom! Boost in his self esteem about his songs!

A win-win plan, really

And the song she grabbed was the Shawn version of Tourniquet we've been talking about, obviously

Yeah, it's *her* turn to do something for *him* with good intentions that ends up being awful, she's not gonna be in the doghouse for this one...she's going straight to the pound

The prize for winning the contest? Well, a celebrity sings it of course!

And...well Juliet may have overlooked that it's sung.....on live television...

All classic song writing prizes, maybe you can win a record deal and a bunch of money too or whatever

Not that Shawn would care about any of that

Anyways, her and Shawn go to the place where they're announcing the winners, you know? Big party. Shawn doesn't know what it's about but he's having fun, probably solving a case here too!

But then he wins....

It's the big finale, announce the winner and sing the song on stage and on camera

"And, this song will be our grand finale! The winning song of the song writing contest will be revealed and sung!" So the singer gets on stage and Shawn is all smiles until he hears "And this song is...🥁🥁🥁 Tourniquet by Shawn Spencer!"

And Shawn is going through all the stages of grief, he turns to Jules all "What the fuck did you do" (Perhaps first time she hears him legit cuss??) [Ty Luka]

And suddenly Juliet realises that she should have read the lyrics a bit closer before submitting it

It's the first time she's seen him ANGRY because he is about to get angry

They get in an argument, Shawn storms off, she feels bad

But, the song was on LIVE TELEVISION

Everyone saw it! Everyone HEARD them attribute it to him!

And they don't know he wasn't in on it! They have no reason to believe he's upset about winning!

So, when he shows up at the station, everyone is trying to talk to him about it!

It's AWFUL

Gus is asking about it, but he stopped pretty quick when he noticed how pissed Shawn seemed about it

Henry's been calling him

He's been not answering, obviously

Juliet tries to talk it out with shawn but he's not having it right now, "Shawn, I-"

"You, shut up, you are in the /pound/!"

"*gasp* the pound?"🥺😢

"THE POUND"

And Lassie was gonna give him a hard time and ask questions but he saw that interaction and realised that he shouldn't touch this with a five foot fucking pole

The precinct feels oddly tense today because well....no one's ever seen SHAWN SPENCER so ANGRY

Or really angry at all

He really powers through solving this case and is actually pretty scary the whole time and he won't talk to Jules, they are not in speaking terms right now

Anything that he would normally go to Jules about, he goes to Carlton and acts like she's not even there while he gets Lassiter to do whatever it is he needs

No fun nicknames either, but what really hits? When he HAS to address jules.....he calls her Detective O'hara

So she REALLY knows she's in trouble

Obviously she's gonna do anything she can to make it better, we know Jules

So she asks around for advice on what she should do

Talks to anyone who will listen really, Lassie, Gus, she even goes to Henry

[Side note, I've been imagining she heard the song, like it was playing all throughout so they could hear it a little muffled from the spot they were arguing at, but she probably missed a good chunk because of the arguing and talking, though her not having heard it would be a really interesting turn to take! She doesn't know what was wrong with the song, only the aftermath, that could be interesting]

Anyway, she gets mostly the same advice, let Shawn cool down and then work it out

But, since she talked to Henry, he now knows that not only did Shawn not submit that song, he's pissed that it played at all

Which will affect the way he treats Shawn when they inevitably talk later

Instead of thinking Shawn did this to get back at him, he knows these were private thoughts that were shared against his will, so he'll be a little less defensive and accusatory

Gus doesn't know what exactly the song was about, but he gets to be the most in the know since he's the only person Shawn is really actually talking to right now

A lot of ranting to Gus about this, of course

Lassie has the least know of the situation because an angry shawn is a startlingly untalkative shawn

Shawn takes a week or two to stop being so completely pissed

He talks to Henry at some point, they probably have a moment or something, but he won't tell anyone what the song was meant to be about

Eventually he calms down enough to let Jules talk to him again and she gets to apologize profusely and work her way off the shit list

And now everyone knows about the depth to shawns character that he didn't want them to know about so he'll just have to slowly chip away at that by going back to being the town idiot as usual

Maybe he agrees to sell his songs as long as his name doesn't go on any of them, I dunno

Everything goes back to normal...eventually, but it takes...a while

So shawn ends it just as emotionally constipated as before but now everyone KNOWS he's emotionally constipated

Everyone gets to go "holy shit, this kid actually has emotional depth?!?!??"

And Henry gets to sit and wonder what he did to Shawn that was a "crash", what phone call? What did he do?

And Yeah, most of them forget probably

But also, there's that inkling of.......is he really okay?

Always in the back of his friends minds

Because

They /heard/ the song

Juliet goes over board trying to make up for it in a way that's so endearing shawn can't help but smile

And forgive her, but only after the third pineapple/hj

Gus is a little concerned but he knows Shawn doesn't want to talk about it so he let's it go

Lassie tries not to pry but he's still feeling kind of awkward about it (what is he supposed to do in this situation? Anything? Should he even care? Should be be on O'Hara's side because they're friends? Shawn's side because he was the one wronged? Anyone's side at all? Should he say something? Welp, he just won't do anything, maybe)

Buzz has no idea what's going on but did try to comfort Shawn a few times and it was sweet

Buzz never knows what's going on with the main four but we love him anyway

Henry has the song on loop trying to figure out what he did and if there's something he should do or say about it

And someone should definitely get Shawn a therapist but they don't

And the whole song is soooooo about his dad

So about his dad it hurts

Tho Gus is a little offended at the "I don't need anyone" part and he makes sure his thoughts on that are known

"I spend every night

With the TV on

I can't bear to be

Alone with my own thoughts"

And now you guys won't be able to stop thinking about this either, MUAHAHAHAHA

To the people who talked to me on discord, thank you!

@mores0 @storm-cloud-lightning

And also @j-snapdragon who joined right at the end

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bumblingbabooshka · 11 months

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Ok. Get closer why don’t you.

#Chakotay opens the door to Janeway's ready room and the two of them are literally in each other's laps #but they're talking very seriously about work business and seem unperturbed by Chakotay's entrance #<- my ideal (bc I think it's funny)#Chakotay: What are you and Tuvok to each other?#Janeway: ?? He's one of my dearest friends and most valuable officers.#Chakotay: Right. No..it's just that I saw you kiss his hand the other day? As if pledging loyalty to a monarch but more tender than that -#there was a glitter in your eyes like love but to call it 'love' would cheapen it so you leave it unnamed? I just saw that and was curious.#Janeway: That's just a friend thing v_v are we on for dinner?#Chakotay: Sure (later) Hey Tuvok what is Janeway to you?#Tuvok: She is one of the greatest individuals I have ever had the honor of knowing - someone I consider a friend - family -#and a piece of my very soul can be found within her. Why?#Chakotay: Aren't you married?#Tuvok: -equivalent of sighing- it isn't romantic. (right. yeah of course.)#<- my ideal (bc I think it's hilarious)#It isn't romantic Chakotay my God...Have you read any poetry lately? Once you get 1000 hours into ancient poetry THEN maybe you'll get #what's going on #Also sidenote this crew is fucking doomed mental health wise HEHEHE they tried therapy ONCE (after trying 'literally just erase the trauma')#and the therapist FELL ASLEEP #I love these bastards HEHEHEHE #Janeway: Doctor I'm going to do my best to help you...I allowed you to evolve into a being greater than a mere hologram and I owe it to you #to let youzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzsnorkmimimimi #tuvok cam

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katierosefun · 4 months

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deranged thought of the day is that each of harvey specter’s exes reflect mike ross somehow. anyways

#caroline talks #i’m only being partially serious.#but like. come on.#season 1? we meet scottie who. we learn can banter easily with Harvey #and is equally pretty and in Harvey’s mind. someone with the smartest head on her shoulders/her beauty comes only second to her brains.#season 1? is also when Harvey takes one look at mike and watches him do his photographic memory thing and IMMEDIATELY decides he needs to #have him.#(he has a thing. for people who are good at reciting the law ig.)#season 2? we meet zoe. who is kind and sweet (I love her most out of all of Harvey’s relationships with women tbh)#but zoe also sees right through harvey and points out where his weaknesses are. (lack of vulnerability.)#season 2 is also I think. where mike becomes MUCH more comfortable with telling Harvey when he’s being wrong #or just straight up arguing with him about. how Harvey CARES but he just doesn’t know how to show it (a la the entire Donna trial arc)#fast forward to season 7 with. uh. paula.#i don’t care what the show tries to say. mike is getting married to Rachel #and Harvey’s instinct is to date his THERAPIST who had sat through his struggles #and also happens to have yellow hair and blue eyes. like Harvey buddy. UH.#(uh who else sat through with Harvey in some of the Worst Days? and who else has yellow hair and blue eyes???? harvey buddy….)#I didn’t watch the entirety of season 8 but like.#i love u Donna but it’s really funny to me that as soon as Harvey loses mike #he’s just sad and pouting and miserable #but here’s someone who hasn’t left. and who HAS seen him through the thick and thin.#and like. idk. most of Harvey’s old friends/associates are gone and ofc this is when he chooses to go to Donna.#which idk. something really depressing about that and I’m punching Harvey in the face for that behavior #people say slow burn? I say that man has been moping around and dragging his feet bc he’s obsessed with mike Ross.#you know. like a loser.#anyways. I’m only being partially serious. back to work.

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july-19th-club · 1 year

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me age seven being sat down in front of the school’s district child psych lady and being given strange, simple spatial puzzles to solve and then long, complicated worksheets and hammering my way through them at the speed of light while having zero comprehension what their purpose was or why i was here: this is urgent! i have to get a good grade in Weird Puzzles, Or Else, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

#kjalkjsdalkjasdl mrs button was a nice lady but not one adult in my childhood ever seemed to notice what to me now seems like #a pretty obvious case of the autisms #then again maybe they just didn't look as hard unless it was *really* obvious back then . it was like. what. 2000? a couple years later #everybody was talking about autism but not when i was six or seven then it was usually just when it was Very Visible #a couple years later my cousin who's more visibly on the spectrum than me got her diagnosis so young that she's pretty much always had it #which is...well i think it's just made her life difficult in a different way. people underestimate her or don't treat her like she's her age #but then she's always had the opportunity to get accommodations and people are sometimes more forgiving when she can't do something #whereas i got labeled 'kid that should be ahead of the game' from a pretty young age and then when i struggled adults either ignored it #or it was just a huge hassle to them and even i could see it exasperated them to have to work around me #but because mrs button (nice lady but what were you thinking) hadn't told them to treat me like a kid with a developmental disorder #they didn't do that in good OR bad ways . so i never got any accommodations with school stuff i struggled with which was a fair bit #i wasn't supposed to need extra testing time in a quiet room or tutoring with math or help organizing my abysmally scattered things #the only time i DID get that was in sixth grade when i was sort-of friends with this kid jonathan who was Very On The Spectrum #he wasn't really a talker unless it was about whatever he was reading which suited me fine so we just kind of existed in each other's space #and his TSS was this very smart and nice lady who had clearly clocked that Something Was Going On With Me and even though it wasn't like #her JOB she made a little bit of time for me. mostly with emotional stuff (i think i was under the impression she was a therapist?)#but if i had some problem with being unable to keep friends or being frozen out by the kids i wanted to be liked by (happened often)#she'd be able to just like. be there she'd make the time . wish i could remember her name

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pillowenvelopchair · 7 months

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Hey guys!! this is just my insane ramble on Still Waters Run Deep that's made by the lovely @un-local. I've had so so sooooo many thoughts about this fic and I decided to try and put it all coherently in a post :)

Probably not a lot of new insights, just many, many rambles

Magdalene analysis and her view on Rogier + some other stuff

Magdalene, at the start of the story, is aimless and refuses to follow any line of Grace, putting off whatever it leads to and going in the opposite direction. Yet Grace is fickle, and it all eventually converges, so she gives in. (aaaand a life-changing partnership ensues)

She wants out of the competition of becoming Elden Lord, and she wants nothing to do with it. Someone else to take lordship is what she wants. Magdalene, in her eyes, is not worthy to take the throne. But Rogier on the other hand…

Rogier is, quite literally, built different. He thinks differently compared to Magdalene (a STR vs INT user difference lol). He’s able to pick out all the details that she would miss. Be able to extrapolate and examine it all and be able to learn from it. Magdalene can't do that.

It's basically:

Rogier: says some fun facts about the most random thing in the room, saying all the history behind it, and what the tiny details could mean Magdalene: yeah, that's a rock.

So instead, she becomes a tool for Rogier to be able to use, because that's the least she can do for him.

“She can already feel the faint grin forming on her lips at the thought. She never wanted to be Elden Lord. She’d finally picked up and followed grace to... to get away, with no idea what it called her to do. When Melina told her where it led her, she felt only dread. But Rogier... To save Those Who Live in Death... Two birds, one stone. She meets his eyes, and doesn’t look away. In them, she doesn’t see pride, or avarice. She doesn't see a man who wants to rule the world. Not at all. The path forward is clear now.” -Chapter 22

For once, she really sees a light from the dark future she sees. She's hopeful that she won't have to take the throne, that Rogier can burden it instead of her. He's worthy in her eyes and because of that, she devotes herself to him with all she can do. (Ah but… I believe Rogier wants her to be Elden Lord? Not sure but her not wanting to be Elden Lord doesn’t quite fit with what he has planned)

Magdalene really holds onto Rogier, and his guidance (a comfort wizard, if you will). And so the idea that he won’t make it… that she’ll be left alone with Grace again, forced to join back into the competition for lordship... It's sickening to her. So she really clings to him, desperate to not be left alone with a destiny that she despises.

Magdalene is always pulled into different directions. Grace pulls her to one but she pulls herself to the opposite one. Fia and D are both on extreme sides of the spectrum on Rogier's survival, and Magdalene is caught right in the middle of it.

But for her, Rogier will survive, he has to survive otherwise... that light, that small hope she has will all fade into obscurity.

Ghosts from the past (Lorens and Ida)

I absolutely love how something, or rather, someone haunts both of them.

Lorens had been the catalyst of all of what Rogier does now. Why he’s so desperate to save those who live in death. He's literally devoted his body and mind to Lorens just to see him alive (maybe Rogier's devoting all of himself to finding a solution to death because he wants it to come back to the old times when it was just him and Lorens in the Rise, or maybe not!! I'm just rambling lol).

Every thought of Lorens is painted with a sort of bittersweetness to it. From Rogier's perspective, at the very least (I'm super curious as to how Lorens would view Rogier but we'll probably never get it because... you know...). He's almost obsessed with him, and it's all pretty unhealthy lol.

Magdalene, who’s haunted by Ida who's probably a sort of lover that hadn't been fully brought to fruition. Different opinions on what they have had made Magdalene leave with (from what I have seen at least, we have scrapes of her, people! I can't wait to see more of Ida though)

Now with Ida... Magdalene absolutely shakes herself out of every thought she has about Ida. Spurning every single thought or imagination she has of that woman.

"Nausea comes in waves. Fever. She can feel delirium taking her—she’s convinced she’s submerged in the very waters of creation, for a while. She vividly feels herself sinking deeper and deeper into a current; cold and dark and inescapable. As it pulls her down, she’s overcome with the instinct to breathe it in— Against her temple she feels a hand, with gentle fingers dragging softly through her hair. Suddenly, every layer of the dream collapses in on itself, and she jolts awake with a gasp. Here, in Liurnia, she hauls herself up, rubbing at her face. Even the memory is a shock of cold water to her. She’s a woman haunted." -Chapter 23

(I just really love this part- I can't help it)

I think it's also really interesting how Magdalene leaves Ida due to their differences in what they have (?) while Rogier just absolutely hangs onto Lorens no matter what, despite him being... er... him. Not so sure about his personality with the small flashbacks we get of him but he’s probably not good for Rogier.

In short, Rogier venerates Lorens, while Magdalene absolutely rejects Ida. (Opposites!)

Rogier’s overthinking

Also found it interesting that when Rogier thinks he really thinks. He's a professional overthinker, even in the past

"He thinks of the labyrinthian etiquette, the way he’d triple-check every sentence for a double meaning. The secrets, the ruthless political schemes. It all felt like a spider’s web to him. He’d learned the game, and he played it well, but it had been nothing but paranoia and misery for him. Just like it was for everyone else." -Chapter 17

It's what's kept him alive (Ch. 17), and what's been able to pave the way for his findings Yet, it’s also his curse. He tries to pick out every detail that he can and think of every possible reason or motivation. Every single outcome he just needs to know so that he won't get caught by surprise again. He needs to be in control of the situation, he needs to be the master of the chessboard.

Oh and once this guy spirals, he really spirals. He starts thinking and looking at details, rewinding every single thing, every interaction, and trying to label a reason for every little thing. Yet... something emotional seems to break the surface of the water.

I personally think that he was raised to overthink. He was a noble after all, and he dealt with politics. He truly needed to check, double check, triple check, every single sentence and word in case it would have a double meaning. "He’d learned the game, and he played it well" (Ch. 17) . Getting worse after Lorens' death, being fooled by "Only a cut." (Ch. 25) and seeing the aftermath of it.

He can't not do it because if he doesn't, and he gets surprised it would break him (or at the very least, freak him out).

ALSO!! Rogier hating on "saccharine conversations" (Ch. 17) good lord. This guy cannot be real with anyone. Rogier refuses to show vulnerability because:

1. He was raised like that (the whole attachment theory thing) 2. He will absolutely break if he does

Do you guys remember when Fia tells Magdalene that "dear Rogier began to weep as he spoke" (Ch.14)? Fia saw through Rogier's walls through the cracks and he just absolutely breaks down. (Get yourself a man who, after "embracing" tells you all about this thing he's obsessed about and then cries because of it)

It's a mortifying ordeal, that someone's able to see through the walls you've meticulously put up. It hits something deep within that he’s tried to bury.

Despite the walls he puts up people other than Fia see through them. Magdalene (Ch.7) was able to see through the small cracks that have broken, and Roderika... hoo she really hit a nerve didn’t she? (But it also hit one of her nerves too, Rogier vs Roderika am I right?)

Chapter 17 analysis

Also, while we’re on the topic of Roderika, let's talk about chapter 17! Seems I have a lot to talk about.

I absolutely love this chapter so much, it gives us so much insight into Rogier's backstory and the way he thinks. His noble background really shines through here, with how he acts with Roderika who is a fellow ex-noble too.

"His grin is wide and carefree, but it rather feels like he's baring his teeth. There’s no room for your pity here." -Chapter 17

This guy cannot accept any sign of sympathy/compassion with anyone. It's all pity to him, and he absolutely hates pity. Once Roderika starts to console him too it sickens him and it makes him bare his teeth like an animal, his baser instinct showing just a little bit.

He’s probably bore his teeth to other nobles in the court, or whatever meetings they have with one another. Small threats that get the message across by a vicious smile, is something he is all too familiar with.

I also think that it's a little bit funny how he gives advice to Roderika but then is also a little bit of a hypocrite about it

“It’s hard, to leave it behind. But the old world will keep its claws in you, if you let it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier while it's not his past life that he's stuck but rather, he is stuck on Lorens. Even though Rogier is no longer Lorens' student, even though Lorens is dead, he still has his claws on Rogier. It's his entire motivation, why he's in a "pathetic" state now. He isn't letting those claws go, he lets them dig deeper within him, and they dig in deep.

“You already have it within you," he says. "They were only trying to bury it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier immediately buries his own emotions in this interaction when Roderika tries to console him lol. Just based off of him being an ex-noble and his whole family thing, it's well established that he is very much used to burying it all down his gullet. I mean, is it really Rogier without emotional suppression?

Also Rogier tends to close off all the matters that relate to what he feels in his dialogue both in game and in SWRD. This guy cannot let out just a slight moment of vulnerability

A Color Theory Thing on my read on Rogier's garb:

Rogier, with his background being grounded in nobility has suppressed his baser desires in exchange for meaningless political schemes that have only brought him misery. Yet after coming to these lands, he finds himself with Lorens.

He wears a Raya Lucarian Robe and it has red on it. It's a sign of baser instincts being shown for once. He has grown an infatuation with Lorens despite being his student.

Yet, Rogier is still mostly blue, and he still suppresses that baser desire that he’s developed, that infatuation for Lorens. He never once builds up the courage to be able to tell Lorens what he feels. He would always bury those feelings down, and as a result he can't let go of it. It's far too deep to be buried back up.

But once Lorens has died, Rogier changes too.

He exchanges those garbs for yellow and turquoise (I think?). He's a mix of colors and beliefs.

He still has the blue in the turquoise, which symbolizes calm, intelligence, and emotional control (you can’t spell Rogier without emotional control) But turquoise isn't just blue, it also has green.

Green represents growth, life, and new beginnings. This is a new beginning for Rogier, who's set out for a new goal, to be able to save those who live in death (and perhaps give them life? Not so sure on that but in SWRD that seems to be the case with Lorens).

It's balanced by yellow. Creativity and originality, he's almost the only person we meet who wants to save TWLID. Not only that but yellow also symbolizes illness, which could be a foreshadowing of what happens to him later in his life.

It's not just sickness though, yellow also symbolizes deception. Rogier lies, but I necessarily think he's someone who is always deceptive. He's more like the type of guy who would lie so that an encounter would go well or not hurt someone else's feelings. I think he's like that from that whole ex-nobility thing he's got going on. Political schemes and lying through a smile is something that he's familiar with. (It also doesn't help that he keeps being emotionally suppressed too lol)

Cowardice is another. Rogier is scared to tell anyone about his emotions, to take that risk of being honest with someone. His background in nobility and his family definitely doesn't help either.

Rogier had been too scared to be true to Lorens and tell him his feelings, and because of that, he would never be able to. I feel like he's avoided it even more afterward. He refuses to take that jump of being honest with someone, whether it's about his emotions or his ideals, he doesn't let them go.

But when he does? With D, it completely breaks off everything they've had. Everything that they could have been.

"Beguiled fool. A rotten, sick bastard. Fouled by them. A wicked, two-faced user. Heartless. Loathsome parasite. How could he? Were they not supposed to set this crooked world straight? Profane. A perversion of honor. A madman." -Chapter 5

“Get out of my sight.” “I’m sorry.” He’d said, and he was. But Darian’s lips curled back, and he jerked his head away and locked his eyes on the horizon. His jaw twitched, in the moment he took to reply. “Don’t talk to me.” There was nothing he could do to fix this. To undo his mistakes, to spare Darian his intentions." -Chapter 5

It's all gone because he had been honest about his goals (presumably). This experience probably strengthened that emotional suppression so as to not be hurt/caught by surprise.

So when Magdalene, someone who wholeheartedly accepts his ideals and sees his side for once, he's cautious. He can't believe that someone can genuinely agree with him because all the times that he has been honest, he's been punished for it. (though, he reminds himself that she's not like that)

In short, this guy's a mixed bag. A mixed bag with problems

(basing this off of the Elden Ring color theory video, it was an absolute joy to watch)

[EDIT]: idk what to call this section but he seems to seek out some form of approval. Lets see how that ties in with his grief!

"He still doesn’t understand why. What did he do, specifically? Or was he just past his usefulness? Deemed unfit to rule? He never truly wanted to rule as Lord, but to be cast aside so indifferently—it had shaken him. Every now and then he fumbles with this, again and again, but he knows. He does. He knows that grace has forsaken him for good reason. He’s a heretic. An apostate. He who does not obediently bow before a faltering, decrepit Order, so ill-equipped to handle the world as it is. " -Chapter 5

"All these years. Couldn’t change a thing. Rather pathetic, I’d say—what a fool, thinking that this crooked world could be made right by mortal hands. Sure, deathblight. Truly, a fitting end for a worthless, rotten bastard." -Chapter 12

Now, speaking from some personal experience, being raised in a family that's of nobility and expects so much out of you from a young age definitely breeds some kind of self-worth issues that really stick with you. Especially if you haven't had anyone to truly support you.

Because of that, I believe that Rogier, in a way, is trying to prove his worth. But not to the Order, I think that he's in some way trying to please Lorens. Even in death.

He puts everything into his studies of Death, searching and scouring for scraps of information just to give him a single lead on anything, and for what?

"Its fulfillment will be a selfish act of altruism. These crooked lands will set right, by his hands, for a reward of nothing at all. But make no mistake: he needs another day. And another after that, and another after that. He needs his questions answered with questions, he needs his notes corrected in an unreadable hand, he needs to hear one more “Well—” followed by the most opaque, convoluted tangle of sentences ever constructed. There’s no reward he seeks, but the warm smile of cold gray eyes and a scoff about just what he’s wearing nowadays. " -Chapter 19

Rogier devotes himself to saving TWLID (saving Lorens, in reality), but it's not because it's all for selfless reasons, he seems to want things to go back to the way things used to be. Back at the Rise, with just him and Lorens once more.

I don't think Rogier ever accepted Lorens' death. He's determined to bring back Lorens, desperately trying to find a solution to bring him back no matter what.

And it’s quite hypocritical isnt it? That Rogier wants to change the Order to be able to sort of… revive Lorens from Death. To go back to the old times that they both had had.

This guy refuses to grieve and is searching (desperately) for a solution for a dead man who's probably not even good for him. Get this man some therapy

This entire post's summary is just me going:

Anyway, that's all for my crazy rambles! I can't wait to see how SWRD will progress, and how everyone will intermingle and grow with one another (Rogier and Mags)!!!! :0)

Have some doodles + a WIP that I'll probably never finish as a treat for reading this! (Mag's torso was wayyy too long on the second one oops)

(bonus boggart because I love him)

#not gonna talk about d yet #I don't want to assume too much about him just yet #but d is really interesting and i absolutely love this take on him and his grief :0) (not that I've read any other d fics.)#Rogier is so damn complicated #like. he's got so many problems like. dude get a grip and get a therapist #mags reel him back in and send him to the therapy office while ur at it #sorry if u guys cant understand my insanity... it cannot be contained #or else ill explode into pink glitter and my blood splattered all across the room #hhhh maybe ill edit this later i have to do some stuff :(#oh also unlocal if u do see this no pressure at all!! I just needed a place to be able to go crazy over ur fic lol #theres like. probably a lot I've missed but I'll make another one if I get insane again #some of this is probably incorrect and is just me reaching for an answer that doesnt exist btw #swrd #rogier #magdalene #envelope rambles #i wrote this in like. two sittings #what is happenign to me #I STILL RAMBLE IN TAGS YOU CANNOT STOP ME #the mortifying ordeal of posting #AAAA #uou guys i keep noticing things and. i just keep on fuckign ADDING MORE THINGS IN #[EDIT]: Added in rogier's self esteem into this too :3

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