#NICE ART BUT WHY ARENT YOU THIN | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

themetalvirus · 4 months

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I DO WANNA ASK!! WHAT OTHER PENS DO YOU USE BISCUIT⁉️

YAYYYYYY YIPPEEEEEEEE TEE HEE

WELL!!!

i may as well start with a more recent acquisition, the zebra sarasa clip, specifically the milk color set in 0.5 mm. jetpens shills HARD for zebra sarasa clips. anyway theyre mid as hell and are not representative of the gel pen experience - cheaper pens in novelty shapes write better than the zebra clips, but they do have a very nice almost pencil-y tactile feel because of it. in plain text, they're scratchy. the colors are wonderful though, EXCEPT for that damn white gel pen... if you wanna go really matte with your white pens or be able to write on dark paper, get a gelly roll or use a paint pen because god damn the zebra sarasa pens are TRANSPARENT AS FUUUUCK despite being advertised as being able to write on dark paper clearly. SCAM!!!!!!! but i do really like the colors and when i want a more pencily feel i go for them. they also make really fine, textured lines, which is nice for getting your crunch on (making ur art look purposefully crusty)

also. i am a believer in the tombow brush pens. my school had a sketchbox subscription they kept forgetting to cancel and so they had a few of them laying around and me and the other art girl were always passively slapfighting for them with psychic mind games. i finally bought one for myself and despite me usually not liking brush pens...... lads... its good.... its one of the first brush pens i've had that doesn't fray after using it like three times. so i can actually use it for fine AND thick lines without having to work around the shitty nib. looking at you faber-castell brush nib.

i have a couple different fineliners (felt tipped, water based ink) and theyre pretty alright. le pens are a great choice for writing, not so much for drawing. i like the staedler tripluses a lot, they're just handy for workhorse writing and consistent thin lines. stabilo point 88s are also good. i cant really tell the difference between fineliners a lot of the time because they're all very similar, le pens are the most distinct ones i've used because of their softer tips. you have to really baby fineliners so the tip doesnt get squished which kind of makes them a pain to use. oh also i used to love the faber-castell pitt artist pens for their consistent lines and firmer nibs but god damn they do NOT play nice with other art supplies. and as someone who swaps between mediums a lot it just isnt. ideal.

i used to be a rollerballhead but i've fallen in love with gel pens... they may smear easily but god damn are they goopy........... fuck yeah...... i'm SUPER biased towards gelly rolls just because i'm the most familiar with them, but they're super fun for doodling and have really vibrant colors!!! i also like them because sakura was the first company to make gel pens in the 80s - gel pens are super recent compared to other writing tools which i think is cool as fuck. theyre like. the future...... plus theyre just a smoother writing experience. shitty gel pens are 10000x better than shitty ballpoint pens. the pilot g2 is the best of any commonplace office pen fuck everybody else pilot g2 is my best friend

microns are fine i guess. i used to like them more in middle school but they're so sensitive to getting smushed that using them comes with Fear. i've never smushed one before, but i HAVE had friends ruin my microns when i lend one to them for like five seconds. i think they're copic-proof which is why people like them? i dunno. they're prone to fraying, the nibs just arent very good compared to other options

i REALLY wanna try a pilot frixion but i havent gotten any yet, i plan on buying a set early next year! they're erasable pens that use heat and friction from a rubber eraser to disappear the ink, which is super cool. but a warning: because they're heat sensitive (and their ink comes back when exposed to temperatures under 14 degrees fahrenheit!) the ink can all activate in the pen and become transparent if you leave it in a hot car. or your notes can disappear if you leave them in a hot car and you'll have to pop them in the freezer to get them back

OH OH OH OH i have generic brand paint markers (tooli-art) and they're great until they explode. i use the white one a lot because it's handy to have what is essentially a pen of white-out on hand, but i don't use the colored ones nearly as often because they're messy and...... a few of them have kind of exploded at the nib which makes them drooly and gross. the only posca i have is a brush one and the brush poscas are shittáy

i feel like i forgor something but this isnt a fountain pen rant this is about my other ones. enjoy

#exoticbutterstxt

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edge-lorde · 1 year

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For the artist ask game: 2, 8, 20, 26 and 29 с:

2. is it easier to draw someone facing left or right? (or forward even)

umm.... i thing left and right are about the same to me, but it is easier for me to draw someone looking slightly to the side than straight on i think.

8. what is an old project idea that you've lost interest in?

not that i would never come back to anything from it or reuse the ocs from it, but in high school i had a weird story idea in highschool where the main character was a neandertal/half neandertal and lived in an underground mall connected to a natural cave system where cannibals lived and she was like besties with one of them.... ive revamped the characters a few times and i probably will again eventually, but unfortunately the story just didnt have a plot u-u.

20. something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy.

my sister once told me drawing faces in profile was difficult, but ive always liked it.... also in general ive been told my expressions are good and i know some people struggle with that... ive also never had trouble with the idea of developing a style as some people seem to.

26. whats a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended.

a person once went through my shera comic on deviant art leaving nice comments along the way, and i was sweating because they didnt seem to notice the horror elements..... at first........ and in my mind i was just like "oh no!!! im going to let this random person down by being weird!!!!!"

also when i made this specific comic i thought the idea of a clone pulling out secret katanas that he keeps on his person at all times 'just in case' and laying his brothers asunder as soon as the wifi goes down was HILARIOUS. the funniest concept ever. very clear jokey-joke times. then i drew it. and it looked a LOT gorier than i imagined it. i even colored the blood green, even though i do think the clones blood would be red to make it look less gory. then i posted it. and like its not like it got tons of traffic, but what comments i did see, it seemed like people didnt know how to take it, like it looked too serious. and i couldnt be like. no, you see. murder is funny. why arent you laughing. hes literally killing them with katanas.

29. media you love, but doesnt inspire you artistically.

most stuff i watch honestly... ive only really gotten into fandom with spop. i guess the series of unfortunate events books when i was a kid. i loved them but i cant remember any specific fantasies i had surrounding them. i really liked the hellboy comics but i cant do shading like that LOL. as an adult... i really liked the the adventure zone original dnd campaign but could never imagine blorbo-ifying the characters fandom style because the line between character and real life person not acting is just too thin for me in that kind of format. so i guess all dnd playing type shows like that, i like the format but not in an art inspiration way.

thanks for the ask!

#asks #replies #ask meme #cirusthecitrus #rambling #thoughts

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antiloreolympus · 3 years

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13 Anti LO Asks

1. ok but thats seriously what bugs me so much about LO, it never actually lets serious moments be serious, it's always lampooned by rachel's insistent need to force in her juvenile "humor" and never actually depicting how pressing things are. even the following moments from persephone's r//pe was undercut by hades making stupid puns! i understand if rachel cant write something more serious than "[x] is bad" but if thats so, then dont try it? because thats how you end up with this pretentious mess.

2. since when did lo hades have earrings??? i legit do not remember this ever being a thing??? is he trying to be hip with the kids 😭my man you still look like a crusty old man the earrings arent helping 😭

3. lo hermes looks and acts like flaky from happy tree friends and no thats not a compliment (TW for gore, blood, and violence if any of you google it)

4. Even though the earlier art style was better there are still some cursed panels from the earlier pages that still haunt me. Especially the way Persephone was drawn differently in so many of the panels.

5. lo hades has such "how do you do fellow kids" energy and im not sure why

6. im also confused on the fertility goddess stuff because how stupid is persephone if she didnt notice? she can create life and nature without even thinking and shes implied to be a genius in biology, so how would she not even notice this? if RS really wants to go with this plot, then why have her professor bring it up in class? why not show persephone going to her uni's library to research the topic and pouring over it? that's an easy way to show persephone's intelligence, yet LO doesnt even try.

7. What I wanna know in LO was how Demeter and Hestia were compensated after the war. The three brothers got to be kings and Hera is queen, but what we know of Demeter is that she had a millionaire dollar business that’s probably made it on its own (unless she was helped out) and then Hestia all we really know about her is that she runs that TOGEM and idk if there’s only 4 of them, Hestia really had a group by herself for a bit since Athena is Zeus’ (assumed) daughter, Artemis (Zeus’ assumed daughter) and persphone (newest member) which seems shitty since they won a war together

8. I think what happened with LO’s art style was RS got “lazy” (I’m lacking the right word). I feel like without the colors all of the men in LO have the same body type, and Hermès and Apollo may even have the same face if they smile the same. So to compensate for that lack of body diversity, RS doubled down on Hades’ features to make him stand out more to really show he’s the male lead. However, even in her own words he looks like Persphones’ “dusty ass dad”

The women use to be a little different but they’re all starting to blend with body types. Her was small, but now she’s short and busty like Persphone. RS makes Persphone look short and busty all the time but almost childlike. Minthe was skinny but her last moments she was busy. Aphrodite I feel was just busty but then tried to make her look small also with Ares and Hades beside her. Hestia stayed the same but is still small and busty. Athena was tall and thin (?) but now she’s tall but busty (and her relationship with Hestia looks like it mirrors HXP). Idk I just feel like the longer screen time the female characters get the more they start mirroring Persphone’s look. Like even Artemis was getting empathized on being small next to her brother Apollo. Like all the girls gotta look small but curvy as the story goes on.

9. Demeter: watched her friend get ripped in half. Watched her friend get continually cheated on, paying the price for not hiding a mistress , watched metis get eaten, her back clawed, fought in a war. Later made a daughter who’s a fertility goddess (probably an accident) and now has to raise her. That same daughter then went on a rampage and isn’t really remorseful

Fans: Demeter is such an overbearing mother who gets in the way of our ship.

10. on regards to ace characters, asexuality is a spectrum like everything else, so a lot of asexuals actually do enjoy and have sex, so the maidens doing so isnt inherently a problem, its the fact rachel is clearly viewing it through a strict binary where she assumes asexuality is something that can be "fixed" over time/when the right person comes along. its also a bad modern reading of it, as "virginity" in an ancient sense meant via marriage, not via sex, but I doubt rachel cares to factcheck it.

11. Imagine an elf is given a job to do at a human institution. The humans think elves don’t need bathroom breaks, since they know they can hold it for days, but this elf has been traveling to reach their job, and has already been holding it to the point they are in pain. They ask for a break, but their job is important and time sensitive, so they admit they can still hold it when asked. After a full day of work, the elf tries to reach the bathroom in time, but they were never told where it is.

From OP: I think this might be a nymph allegory? Anon never specified so I'll put this here anyway.

12. ya know if hades has to lie to make apollo seem worse (who does not need much in this comic) its like??? why is he persephone's lawyer then?? lawyers are literally told not to lie, this is basic law 101. thats why they dont want their clients to mention to them if they actually did the crimes because then the lawyers have to say it in court. if hades lies so casually just to keep persephone away from justified punishment, then thats bad actually! both in being a decent person and as a lawyer!

From OP: Hades didn’t lie but he was definitely out of line. RS liked a tweet saying that the wife thing was “subconscious” so it probably was. (Still doesn’t make it right but I doubt he’d say those things on the stand.)

13. I know Minthe was written in a way she was suppose to be unlikesable, she’s rude, she yells and she doesn’t hesistate. HOWEVER RS wrote her character badly. Minthe is so unliked? How was she able to be a bad gf to hades and Thanatos? Like yes it’s an affair but how was she able to pull 2 gods?! We don’t hear Hades or Thanatos say what they like about her BUT they both still had a fling with her. (Honestly I feel it’s cause RS can’t bare writing one nice thing about the female anatangoist without trying to make Persphone look good)

The other thing bothering me was everyone knew about her relationship with Hades after she put it on fatesbook, but everyone talked about the kiss in such a positive light IN FRONT OF HER. Aren’t they suppose to be scared of her? Why did the girls in the yoga class/dress shop had so much to say about that kiss? Because they knew persphone? Did they know every other detail too? What was their actual beef with Minthe?

I feel like realistically some more characters would have sympathy for Minthe if they didn’t know her that well because of Hera. Everyone knows Hera is a pill to deal with and she’s the goddess of marriage who hasn’t really tried bringing Minthe and Hades to the alter. That right there should let everyone know that Hera probably doesn’t help the situation.

Idk, I feel like RS could have gone deeper and made the character not such HXP shippers cause most people wouldn’t cheer for cheating nor an old ass guy getting with a 19 year old. (Idk how fast the news of the slap spread, but I doubt it made it to every place in their fictional world)

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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rebelliouslala · 4 years

Text

Kim Taehyung

“one chocolate mocha with blueberries and caramel, for y/n”

Taehyung looks up

and i- oop

He sees you

Sure you’re wearing your ex boyfriend's old hoodie

Since he hated that one

And used it for as a towel unknowingly to you

Even if your hair as messy from crying all last night from the breakup

Your cheeks a little puffy from the numb feeling of ice cream

Chocolate chip cookie dough to be exact

You barely register in Taehyung's heart eyes

Thanking him quietly and leaving your payment of $10 as a tip as you sit in the corner, away from the other artsy kids, and just sipping on your coffee

“uh, jimin?”

“yep?”

tae kind of wiggles his finger at you

“rly hot person in the corner”

Jimin looks over, shaking a drink furiously and he smiles

“yeah well they are hot”

“what should i do?”

The other man scoffs, serving the drink as he uses the foam, gently making art “look, im too busy for love advice for you, tae”

“pls or ill tell joon hyung about why all of his socks are missing”

jimin’s hand quivers, messing up the rose he was drawing

“im going to kill u tae”

“so, tell me how to get them”

“well not by fucking blackmail”

“JOON-!”

“OK JUST GO TALK TO THEM YOU ASSHOLE”

The cafe stops moving and out pops out Namjoon’s head, glaring at the two, quietly mouthing, “get back to work”

So as the two bicker, you silently delete photos from your relationship

You and he used to go here all the time

But he cheated on you

Honestly, you wanted to forgive him

But he had told everyone behind your back how horrible you are

And no wonder that blond barista was yelling, probably the other one looking probably to the guy next to you

You quietly sigh and just sip your drink, smiling softly

it’s been a long time since you had some free time, and now maybe you could just take a break

After all the incense here reminded you of home, and the coffee like something you would get in a “city”, or a small town

you couldnt explain it, but you still wrote it down, so you can get ideas to paint later

A small cookie, shaped like a donut appears in front of you

“i didnt order this”

“I know”

You look up to the barista

okay how to explain what absolute perfection this man was

His face was beautifully sculpted, his nose is rounded to a bulb, and his hair long enough that the bandanna he wore complimented his entire work outfit

his lips alone were a detail, perfectly shaped, his eyes looking at you interestingly, curiously

Your entire breath, everything just fucking stopped

“uh, are you okay?”

“No” you say, trying to grab for something as you even notice how not only was his fucking face ethereal, but his body too

he was like a god himself

“my name is taehyung, kim taehyung”

“y/n l/n”

he smiles, his eyes gently shutting themselves, as his smile was almost like a box

adorable

“I wanted to ask, you, actually, y/n” he says with a smaller voice

Despite having such a deep and masculine vice

“Hm?”

“I have to have a model, and, I know this cannot be your best fashion, i would love to i dont know, i guess sort of doll you up? Make you look nice? Then have a photoshoot? If, you dont want t-,”

“I would really like that.” you say

So perhaps feelings were caught quickly

Once tae went back to his frat to tell the boys

They went ecstatic

“Dude okay”

“wait” says jin, and he widens his eyes

“she was dating this one dude from the got frat”

The other boys huddle around Jin’s non virus computer

indeed, he found the old tweets between you and park jinyoung

You hugging on his arm

Taehyung almost choked because he had heard rumors on jinyoung cheating

“Oh my god, thats why they looked so sad :(“

Hobi pushes him, “okay, u need to cheer them up”

“I said just that i would make them over”

“Well do that,”

“Jimin can you-”

“Hell fuckin naw my guy”

“pls :(“

Everyone uwued

“Fine”

So the day comes

U gave jinyoung his hoodie back

And he returned some bad comments that made u feel bad

But once u go to their frat

There is everyone

With their puppies

There’s this this one black and brown dog that was maybe the size of Tae’s hand that ran to you and start jumping on your leg, barking

ah yes its the infamous yeontan

You gasp softly and pick them up, scratching behind their ear as they wag their tag happily

“Oh my god--?”

“y/n, i heard, what happened with Jinyoung”

you freeze and sigh, looking down, “listen i-,”

“Thats why we decided to wait, im here for you if you need time, so, we brought our dogs jimin and i are making dalgona coffee, namjoon and yoongi hyung made some lofi beats, we can just chill”

Jin passes by with a smile, “plus we got makeup and self care shit for you”

so you put on face mass with tae

Talking to him about your breakup, it kind of made you cry, but petting yeontan was 14567893021 times better

“Well, i dont thin he was right for you at all y/n, he’s a jerk”

You smile softly, peeling off your face mask and looking at the mirror

“Whoa. . .i look. . .nice” you mumble

“you always do,”

You look at tae who freezes

fuck

did he say that aloud?

you blush, and there’s a beat of silence before he exhales, “you. . .you’re gorgeous, dont let some breakup tell you. . .tell you you arent”

You gently tear up, an you hug him

“Thanks tae,”

Once he softens up, he hugs back, holding you to his heart as he whispers, “Anytime, doll"

#bts v #bts taehyung #kim taehyung #taehyung fluff #v fluff #bts fluff #bts imagines #bts fanfics #kpop fan fiction #kpop fanfics #kpop imagines #kpop fluff

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justdyingslowly · 4 years

Text

1. Name justdyingslowly obviously come on

2. Nationality Australian

3. Age 22

4. Birthday nnnah dont feel like it

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) Libra/Scorpio cusp

6. Gender wamon

7. Sexuality very very hetero

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) androgenous

9. What do you/did you study? Psychology (focus on sexology) and art.

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I am disabled you think I can work ha sexologist would be awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fireman but Australias always burning

11. Your birth order head first

12. How many siblings do you have? 1

13. Do you have good relations with your family? yeah dads finally out of his abusive relationship, nearing age 70 and his emotions and his sexuality are finally opening up for the first time and that makes me SO happy.

14. How many friends do you have? what kind of fucked up question is this.

15. Your relationship status relationshipped. Fiance? got the marriage papers in a drawer somewhere with the car rego but can’t be fucked filling them?

16. What do you look for in a SO? empathetic, mature, calm. Always open to discussion. Prefers to be blunt rather than secretive. Emotional age over 14 (incredibly fucking rare apparently). Puts an importance on context and understanding other views above all else.

17. Do you have a crush? Hellll yeah Crush on my partner and got a crush on a mutual friend of ours who don’t even know hes cute af hehe one day partners gonna accidentally spill the beans and embarrass me coz hes shit with secrets RIP me.

18. When did you have your first kiss? You think I can remember this bullshit? Its not that big a deal

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? One night stand sex almost exclusively sucks. Just. SUCKS. Because neither of you know what the other likes and it ends up being an awkward mix of trying to please yourself while trying to also be considerate.

20. What are your deal breakers? Plugging your ears to anything that feels gross, uncomfortable or disagrees with you. How can you grow as a person without introspection? How can you mold what you think and believe without taking in other arguments and comparing them to your beliefs to see how they stack up? Its pathetic.

21. How was your day? cute mutual friend had a fall this morning and were both worried about him. His back is bad and he’s getting a little older, he can’t be getting dizzy and having falls like that. other than that im anxious about seeing my gastro. He’s lovely but... specialists are specialists. Good at knowing what they know but not always great at listening.

22. Favourite food & drink you think im allowed to eat or drink? water and... foods a touchy subject.

23. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my side with a body pillow to grip so I don’t end up choking my partner in his sleep.

24. What was your last dream about? uuhhh...going to italy and being unable to get into this tiny basket boat properly.

25. Your fears does PTSD to medical shit count haha

26. Your dreams ... going to italy and being unable to get into a tiny basket boat thingy?

27. Your goals - get some sort of diagnosis eventually. Its been 3 years of trying and im tired. - get back to studying art part time for my bachelors. - pass JLPT N3. - go back to university for psychology. - do the dishes when I get home.

28. Any pets? two budgies. we also take care of any orphaned or injured birds.

29. What are your hobbies? feeling nauseous drawing writing a little bit im making a little gameboy game in C atm too

30. Any cool places in your area? i live next to a national park with waterfalls and koalas and emus and stuff

31. What was your last awkward situation? mutual friend made a comment on his chest i playfully smacked it (related to the comment) it was surprisingly hard “O-oh wow, thats... I didnt expect that” my partner laughed at me. it was awful.

32. What is your last regret? getting embarrassed at friends pecs stop making me think about it 33. Language/s you can speak english. N4 Japanese.

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) of course not what the fuck

35. Have any quirks? Quirkless. I do wiggle when im happy though apparently.

36. Your pet peeves open doors.

37. Ideal vacation spend a months chilling in an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

38. Any scars? internal? yes

39. What does your last text message say? peepee poopoo ustinky

40. Last 5 things from your search history how do i find this

41. What’s your [device] background? Sam Porter Bridges walkin around Sam Porter Bridges cuddling BB-28 Louise while he sleeps my chicken

42. What do you daydream about? all might

43. Describe your dream home an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion its a comforting thought having a parent-figure who cares about you and looks after all the big things you can’t manage yourself, but institutionalizing it runs a severe risk of becoming harmful cults. And it often does.

45. Your personality type me

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done i saw the lost bunny that was on all the posters in the neighbourhood looked thin and patchy so i grabbed him to take him home. im allergic. sent me to hospital and I almost died.

47. Are you happy with your current life? feeling sick sucks and partners having a depressive episode but things are pretty good

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life living

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? blacks, reds, whites and pinks

50. Favourite colour to wear? at the moment pink. Red is always comforting though.

51. How would you describe your style? mix between lazy alternative punk, teenager with band shirts and harajuku peach kawaii uwu

52. Are you happy with your current looks? kinda wish i was a bit shorter but what can you do

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? bit shorter

54. Any tattoos or piercings? lol no PTSD

55. Do you get complimented often? by who? partner constantly, family haha are you kidding im australian so a friend’s version of showing affection is calling you a cunt and slapping your ass in public

56. Favourite aesthetic? all might

57. A popular trend that you dislike blocking because you disagree or find them distasteful. Ignoring all context to opposing thoughts and arguments. taking a personal feeling of disgust to mean something is evil. Blocking your ears to anything that isn’t a circlejerk of what you already think - and trying to isolate anyone who even just listens to something other then the noise of your sloppy dicks to have a thought of their own.

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with? The Machine by Low Roar

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like. why wouldnt i admit i like a song

60. Favourite genre? probably enka haha

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? probably enka haha oh and tatsuro yamashita

62. Hated popular songs/artists? why the hell would I hate something like a song? I hate aspects of the music industry as a whole I guess?

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 which playlist they aren’t all together in one place

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? piano, saxophone... uh... partners good at making music and playing shakuhachi

65. Do you like karaoke? no.

66. Own any albums? yes? many?

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? no. but triple J, ABC Jazz and Classical. sometimes they even play final fantasy and JRPG music on classical which is pretty neat. -

68. Favourite movie/series? can i make this about games because then the answer is Metal Gear Solid

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc ...shounen?

70. Your fictional crush/es if they’re over 40yrs old, male and happy and bubbily or grumpy and sad then there’s a big ol fat chance I wanna bone. Solid Snake from MGS4, All Might and pretty much anyone drawn by Tarou Madoromi.

71. Which fictional character is you? uh

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so what does this even mean what language is this

73. Favourite greek god? idk hades seems chill

74. A legend from where you live that you like the story of Tjilbruke is funny and good. all Kaurna stories are good.

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist? im in a big egon schiele mood atm.

76. Can you share your other social media? no i am incapable

77. Favourite youtubers? many

78. Favourite platform? not too high up. actually i like being a little lower than ground level in corners.

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? look i just want to say that MGS4 is the best one in the series and Death Stranding is phenomenally engaging.

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) these are all so goddamn definitive how can I pick? Oh wait the answer is One Piece

82. Do you play board/card games? I play DnD atm and know 15 yr old rules to Yugioh

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? that shit dosn’t happen here

84. Favourite holiday golden week coz its a week also easter because thats when all the glucose based sweets come back

85. Are you into dramas? what kind

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? no. thats called being a murderer.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? chill people out a bit. when people feel unsafe they get really depenfive and territorial and block their ears to everything, making in-and-out groups for themsevles that end up putting them in more harm.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? im disabled with a disabled partner. we arent funny sure we can survive normal everyday life when society is angled so sharply against us.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? id like to be a mimi spirit

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? spooky time

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? toshinori yagi

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? anyone healthy

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo that cursed one with the intense eyes and the hand

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true im me im not me im pee

95. Cold or hot? cold.

96. Be a hero or be a villain? both are distasteful ideas in reality

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? i can’t do either partner speak sin bad puns and its hell, these both sound about equal

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting. controlling time is eithe rmanipulative or lonely. shapeshifing is every other superpower at once.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death? both are deeply upsetting ideas

100. ….. or …..? jiji or ossan? generally Jiji, but ossans can be lovely too.

#personal #stupid

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mrfutureboy · 3 years

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today my family and i got a tour of the new, remodeled high school (my grandpa used to be the principal and then superintendent) and theres a lot i could say about the whole experience but the #1 thing i wasnt expecting was for the gym teacher to tag along

like obv the principal and superintendent were with us (until they had meetings to attend), and my brother was really close with the band director so he was with us for most of the tour too, but the gym teacher??? she stuck with me and i was surprised bc i really didnt think she liked me all that much? Tho maybe ive just been holding onto an interaction she and i had when i was like 15 oops i mean she’s chill i just...i dunno! Was unexpected but not unwelcome or unpleasant.

Also yes of course I got to see my boy Jeff tho idk why i didnt just ask him to join us cuz he knew we were coming lmfaoo thats on me cuz hes too polite to intrude. Hes got a new classroom with fewer walls and its very nice!! Hes got BEAUTIFUL new cabinets that he was very excited abt when i talked to him on the phone the other night. i cant wait until he can ACTUALLY decorate the walls (cuz theyre still being a bitch about the paint i guess) bc i just know its gonna have so much character and personality and im just so happy for him. Tho the teaching conditions still arent ideal he loves his room

I said i was only gonna say 1 thing lmfaoo oops but yeah i got to see my old art and spanish teachers too and that was really nice :’) my spanish teacher was EXTREMELY excited about her classroom bc wayyyy back in the day, the part of the school her classroom was located was an open area, and so by the time i was in school, that was out of fashion so there were weird fake walls put up, but they were paper thin and you could hear anything and everything that went on in there. The math hallway was also like this and the computer lab by the library also was like that. ANYWAY she was very excited bc she was blasting music and the english teacher next door couldnt hear it at all!! So really theyre both excited to have real walls lol

It was very crazy when the principal or a teacher would say to my brother and i “so this is where x was when you were here”. Like theres 2 sets of front doors now, and the 2nd front doors are where the front of the school used to be! And things like that and it was so mind boggling bc it looks SO DIFFERENT. I graduated 4.5 yrs ago and i would come back every year for the faculty play in the spring, so i wasnt a complete stranger, but god i FEEL like one now bc of how different it all is. It looks so GOOD tho!!

Also my mom was insaaanely jealous bc they have a huuuge ass auditorium now (the only pics i took on the tour were of my brother on the catwalk lmfao) and she was a theater kid and had to do all that shit in the cafeteria lol. I told her to enroll back in highschool and she said she was thinking about it. Oh!!! She also said she was gonna shove me in the new, nice, larger lockers >:( bullying me in front of my hs teachers smfhhh and trying to embarrass me in front of jeff (i dont even remember what she said when we were in his classroom but i remember saying “she’s been making fun of me this whole tour”)

Anyway that was my day i guess :) i have to go buy shoes tomorrow

#original entry

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acrobaticcatfeline · 2 years

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I posted 2,331 times in 2021

215 posts created (9%)

2116 posts reblogged (91%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 9.8 posts.

I added 355 tags in 2021

#fe rambles - 216 posts

#tw swearing - 46 posts

#tw cursing - 46 posts

#ts spoilers - 12 posts

#music reqs - 6 posts

#tw vent - 6 posts

#my face - 6 posts

#selfies - 6 posts

#my art - 6 posts

#sanders sides spoilers - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#memememememe it me it me i am 5'10 and i have a garbage back and im getting corsets to help it and i love swords and im queer aaaaaaaaaaa

My Top Posts in 2021

Listen listen listen dark side Logan orange wrath is all I want in my life please I've been on this theory since day one please I want to be right sandman, after punching me in the face with this ep the least you could do is let me be right /j

14 notes • Posted 2021-08-02 16:24:06 GMT

Hi im so confused. Wh. Why are people mad that an adhd coded character, from a creator who likely has undiagnosed adhd, was told they were infodumping by a character that often teases and makes fun of him for things that are in his nature?? Like its fine, im not saying you arent allowed, but like. Theyve also been made fun of for wearing glasses. And there wasnt a problem with that. It just. Seems odd to me. Cuz for me, as a person with adhd who heavily projects on logan, i think its fuckin neat to see it used, it makes it feel almost canon that hes like me. I really didnt think that all the people who depict logan as adhd or autistic would have a problem with that but here we are i guess.

I for one, while i thought the jam eating part was gross thought the rest of it was charming and cute, and something nice and angst free for once in this series since joan joined in lmao (not that thats a problem, joan added a plot so angst is natural)

I missed my boys being happy. So its nice to finally see it. Even if its far back in canon and lacked any story.

14 notes • Posted 2021-02-20 01:01:56 GMT

Fuck all the sides, fuck Thomas, fuck em all, the only valid character is Logan and we been knew but my friendship with the others is o v e r

Nico and Virgil are on thin ice but they can stay for now.

This is only partially a joke I'm like hella upset at all the sides and Thomas ngl ngl

15 notes • Posted 2021-07-31 23:24:58 GMT

HI IDK HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW BUT BO BURNHAM PUT INSIDE ONTO SPOTIFY

20 notes • Posted 2021-06-13 17:26:58 GMT

Look who's inside again from bo Burnhams inside is about the spiral into the addiction of being mentally ill and how even when you get better you go out and look for a reason to get worse again because when you've been mentally ill for so long it's easier to be reclusive and not participate in society than it is to learn how to reenter it and its a never ending spiral that ultimately leaves you left in your room alone scared to leave but also so desperate to do so and live your life

And kindly fuck you bo, I didn't ask to be read like that, this mortifying ordeal of being know is just as mortifying as I expected

32 notes • Posted 2021-06-15 16:35:24 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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xxchibilifexx · 6 years

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I wish i could kill myself. I even wrote a letter. So if i do it then theywill hear my last words. I want to die. And I just wish Icoukd talk with someoneabout iy. Someone who stands next to me and whowill see how much icryand how much i struggle. Someone who will hugmr and just listen. I want to besavedbysomeone but at thesame time i dont want to bothersomeone wiyh it. It bothers people. They dont want to hear this stuff. People want to behappyand i amjust interrupting them. So i will try to seem happy for them. And give them a positive versiin of myself until i am finally gone. I want to thank my sister for being therefor me and that i was the only person for herwhocould stay byherside. I am glade that i made you smile a lot. And j am glade that you love me somuch. I amhappy that i coul help you tobecome such a good woman. You are strong and you dont need me anymore because youfound your love which is enough. I trust this guy so hebetter take care of you ok? You can have all of my stuff. All those things that I had. Please dont throw my art away. It was the only thing that I loved in this world. If it is possible could you please bring it to a place where its safe or where it can stay forever? It doesnt need to be seen by everyone but just...make it last forever. Thank you for staying so strong. You will become stronger after Ileft. Then there wont be amyone who will bother you. Iwont hold you back and iwont causemore trouble. I wont be a useless person anymore who makes everything more difficult. Iam sorrythat i coukdnthelp you more. But i cant do this anymore. My sister is the only person who i can talk to so there arentreally people who i am close to... But yeah Ihave a friend who is called Vigga. He is beautiful and he trieshis fucking best to stay inthis world. I am proudof him. We havent wrote much but he was the only one who coukd calm me down when i wanted to kill myself. He was strong for the others but not himself. I love you. You are amazing and although you always call me brother, I need to tell you that I had a crush on you but I dont know what a crush even is...so i think its wasnt really real. But you willalawys bemy brother. Those drawing where my last gift for you and I hope that you will remember me. The book was beautiful and I want it to be safe. So sister, please take care of itok? ...this is the pointwhere I shoukd be talking abohtmy parents right? Yeah,but there isnt much. Mother you taughtmethat Iwas useless and that I shoukd hide myself from theworld and be afraid. That iwill neverbe good enough. Thank you, i know that now. You tried to make up your mistakes and be a good "mother", but you will never be one to me. For me you are just a woman who came to late to safe me. Your hugsare could and you voice makes me scared. But hey, you can be happy that you at least try to seem like a good person right? But one thing, if you dare to hurt my sister one more time, I will come and kill you because that is what you deserve. You wanted to protect us from "father"? Well but you didn't even consider that you are the one who should be gone. I never loved you. And I don't want to mention my "father" so I will just say that I never had a father but there was a man who made me feel helpless and lose all the hope that I once had inthis world. You make me sick. And if you dare to contact my sister again I will come and kill you too because you fucked the whole family up and you arent even sorry for it. Be ashamed of yourself. Ok and to end it I just want to say that my brother is amazing. I know that you cant read at all but i want to say that its not yourfault for not understanding us. Youstill make a lot of people happy with your big smile.so be proud of it. I am glade that you are here and dont listen to mother. You don't need to change. You are perfect already. You are happy and that is enough, brother. Keep being awesome my lovely brother. I love you so much, although you don't like hugs but its fine. Now that I amdone with my family and my best friend I just want to let say some randomstuff to some people who made me feel something jnthepast. Lina you are an amazing person and I hope that you get your 15 points in each subject. I alwayswanted to belike you. Be popular. Loving yourself. And being comfortable inany kind of area. You alwaysmake the room shine and tthat is awesome. Kira,Jakob, Vic and Nicoli, I haven't got to know you all as much as Lina but you are all really nice people and wish I could have been a part of your group.but i never really was. Maybe you didnt notice my true feelings but ialwzyswishedthat j could run away. I wasnt shy but terrified to live. But yeah. I apologize for not telling you allmy true name, its John. Dont be surpised about it, Lina and Kira already knew it. Oh and Jakob, you still look like Peter Parker from Spiderman. I am kidding butI really like you a lot, youareawesome. And Vic, I think you are thecoolest girl that iever got to know becauseyou are just being you and its amazing. I wish icoukd have open up to youbecause i liked to be around yoh. But i was alwaysto uncomfortable with myself. But because of you iwas able to sometimes say what i reallythink about others or things. You all alwags took it as a jokebut i was always serious. And Nicoli, ok i dont want to make you uncomfortable but i loved youreyes a lot. Icould starre at them and still be impressed. Ok, so i liked your jokes a lot and wish i could have seen how you dance. You are really a beautiful dude and i hope that you and youtwin brother will find happiness... Kira I am sorry that you got to be the last one. Dont bemad at me. Anyway ireally love your art. It was so wonderful and i was always jealous. I wznted to hate you dumb ass were so nice to me so icouldnt hate you.but i amglade that i meet youbecause you are really a sweetheart and i am surprised that you still donthavea boyfriend yet. You are really such an interesting person and I always wanted to bake a cake with you or dance with you. You guys are too awesome and I thankful for the time that you spend with me but i am angry at myslef that you wasted your tine on me. A person who didnt had a face. It wasntworth it. So please forget me. I alwaysthoughtthat icould tell youall my feelings and that iwant todie but i know itwould bejust me being a burden. So i shut up. You all deserved more than what you got from me. I am really sorry. Now I want to talk about a few people who probably donteven think about me. Karsten, it made my day to see you at least once. I loved yoursmile a lot and it made me happy to see you laugh with yohrfriends. I zlways wznted to beyour friend but i know that i am not good enough. Youare amazing and it was a shock for me when youcalled me John before this spanish lesson. I didnt know that you knew about the name...but it made me happy that you just accepted me as a guy although i ha ent even explained myself or said anything. Youjust respected me and yhis made me cry. I had a huge crush on you and wish i hadmore lessons with you. Iwish we could have kissed each kther and I wishyou were my best friend. Since 2016 i liked you. You are awesome but i think you never liked me as muchas ido. Keep being a sunshine. Mia i loved how good you were in volleyball and i wish i was as good as you are. I admired how nice and supportiveyou were. I wish i could have been brave enough to tell youthat i suffer in every sport lessonthat wehad. That iwas embarrassed to go into the girls changing room. That i was sorry to exist. I neverwanted to come but ididnt wanted to make it more difficult forme than it already js.. youare beautiful and i hope you find a good guy. Johanna, i am thankful for the time that youspend with me. Itwas short but it was so.ething. you saw how much i suffered but you didnt ask me why. No you asked but i used an excuse so that idont need to explain myself.WHY DIDNT YOH ASK ME MORE. WHY DIDNT YOU SAW THAT IWANTED TO DIE. Anyway, i think youare a cool girl and i sometimes wished to be yourboyfriend butyou never sawme as a dude. You justsaw the person who tried to be something thatcant even be figured out. My math teacher and my art teacher were really nice to me too. I alwagswanted totell you both that i ddont feel good but ididnt wanted to say what was in my mind. Itwas to muchtk beexplained. But my art teacheralways knew that i wastrans and he saw that j was getting sicker and sickerso why whywhy WHY DIDNT YOUSTOP AND ASK ME. I SAID IT WZS NOTHING BUT YOU KNOW IT WAS A LIE RIGHTright?? Amywag..you both were my favourite teachers and i am happy that yoh were my LK teachers...please just forget me ok? And to finish this.... Hey my dearest friend Sev, Yes i am sick. Yes I have trouble with staying here. But it wasnt because of me beingtrans. It. Wasnt.BECAUSE.OF.THAT. So shut the fuck up. I am dead because of many reasons and everyone in this letter has caused it. Yes you too. Because you left me and decided that yohr religion is more impirtant then our deep relationship. I hate you. Why did you leave? If you werentgonethan this woukdnt happen. But well you alwayscared aboutyourself anyway. I am glade that i helped youto find your way.are you happy? Well probably because you dont need tosee or hang outwith me anymore. Guess what iwillbe gone from this world too haha so youdknt need to be afraid to see me i thecity or street! Are you haply now? Good luck with yourlife. And Bas, I am glade that wehad a good ti.e together.yoh were honest and brave. I admire that. Be happy. I dont know anyone else who I know in real life so let me talk about you gugs here. @fallcter i am gladethat you are here and that you wanted tohelp me. My blog is useless andso am I. Ihope that youwill get better soon.idonthave hope for myself but you will make it. @snow-wiz20 thank you for cheeringme up when i felt lonely and messed up. I dont knowhow to thank you..but i am sorrythag i wasted your time and I hooe that you dknt have to gothrough thesame thing as me... @nouga-agathe-zed hay ehm, i am really glade that iwasable to get to know yoh, itwas interestingto meet sucha person and i wish icoukd have been a better person.i wishi was more funny and thatiwas more joyful....what youdo it amazibgand yourart is nicetoo...i am sorry that i took qso much time from you and i hope that your life will be nottoo stressful.. This is not a suicide note...it seems like one right? Haha yeah...i needed to say it I am sorry if j worried everyone but i just need toqay stuff like this I dont know when i wi b gone so j alreadg wrote this..i am sorry Dont beworried about me

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11toe11-blog · 4 years

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Horsewomen

May i enter. Quietly. For insight. And take back nothing but truth.

____

I sit here waiting.

I sit here waiting for you.

This is uncomfortable. This is actually a rather unsettling feeling. My breathing is no deeper than my upper chest. I am distracted. I want some distraction. Watch something nonsensical. Eat. Eat plenty. Something to comfort me. This sense of hunger, of not being full, no matter what i am putting in - from the healthiest to the junkiest.

He wants to mute me.

He is making pulao and raita. Just what i need maybe. Maybe with that i’ll be satiated. Calm this restlessness.

Weight on the chest. Cant go, oh damn! on it. Just watch it. Even if i spent the last month and a half working this weight off.

Actors freeze writers block.

Dont i have anything to write? After steam rolling for a week.THe point when i assumed things would come together into a giant revelation?

Breathe into the belly. Reach out from formula.

“What do i mean by…”

I miss. I miss kalari. Its a fact. I miss. I miss thiru. I miss. I am a miss. I am amiss, between a miss and a missus.

Something in the face sharts shifting. Music is hindustani. Kishori amolkar he announces, informs, sticking is head out of building pulao.

Watched S’s viva. As she discussed body widsom as the maker and keeper of stories, and the source of the individial truth and meaning making process we all search for.

Watched Su’s body leave her home of 85 years. Watched Su’s body after her spirit left its home of 85 years. He brows were tight together, as if frozen amidst a painful exercise to recall something.

Mid sentence, mid building he walks over for the hug, hug of reconciliation, hug of understanding, a hug to acknowledge, a hug to reassure - one of us, both of us.

A death happened.

Finally. After a dance on the edges that lasted almost 2 years. I remember sitting in the room with my therapist as art of the Art Therapy studies, and role playing with a strange dream, where i was arguing with R and having some experience of the Buzz road first floor centered around my possessions- why it cant be moved or something and his friends being around and me feeling alientated; while down in the ground floor abyss, the dreamer was distinctly aware of death waiting. The house didnt quite look like this, but was the same. In a way that spaces rearrange them selves in dreams, an additional corridor there, an elevation somewhere else, a door connecting two opposite ends of the house directly.

I dont know her at all. I have barely spoken to her more than a few handful of times in the 4 years that Buzz road has been my home. And none of the conversations have lasted more than a few minutes. She was a fine looking thin lady. Who i was told was a shell of her former robust self, and had alzheimer's setting in. So the main door, which is the common entrance to all the three floors had to be locked early enough. She would have anxieties otherwise.

Nothing too loud or boisterous.

Its never been loud or boisterous at buzz road from the time i have known it. Maybe when i got to know it, it was around the time it had gotten contemplative, retrospective, nostalgic. With not enough energy to hold the heightened states of merry making and large groups splashing their vibrance around. But finding them quietly in the folds of memory, back and forth, and reweaving them, alone.

I came into the quiet buzz road; a buzzing road thats quietened now, i realize.

People were talking about the sheer energy she possessed. I can imagine. Even when the last time we exchanged pleasantries, as i walked to junk the compost into the new compost pit we had going in the back yard, she was clear in her gaze, her glance inspire of all the tubes running out of her. Was that the last time she saw me? Or when i had my lungi pulled up, carrying the water cans to the first floor. I had put on an effort to be myself, anticipating judgements for my hairy legs, or my unconventionality inspite of my desperate attempts to fit into the conventional. Whatever conventional means.

I now wear diamond earrings to honor a memory. Of someone i have only met in books and ideas. WHo would have thunk!

He comes over from the pillars of pulao. Share a few grains of his memory.

The sense of community he is experiencing at the moment - in the virtual world with the responses that came in response to his tribute to her, -in this space, with his cousin who he felt he had nothing in common with. A point he always kept making. Until now, when he seems to suddenly have noticed a shared childhood. He accepted his cousin’s invitation to be there on the 10th and 13th day and was touched by the gensture, though he trailed off a “my beliefs are my own” as he made his way back into the kitchen.

From the kitchen he recounts and as kishori continues to inspire the pulao, how his aunt took him to the hospital after his infamous fall off the rockface, he had managed to get back home pushing his conked motor bike before fainting in the loo with a shirt soaking in blood. Quite dramatic. This bit of the story is new to me. I knew of the fall. And the 7 stitches. I didnt know she featured in the story, which i imagined to be the grand fall that shook the 3 worlds and its from that impact on the earth that i was born.

He was 18. My parents copulated. 1983.

This is quite a nice start to the mythical story.

What is this sentimentality? I am not a sentimental person. Sensitive yes. Sentimental? Not really.

In all senses i am aware of the fact that death doesnt mean anything. Other than the change of the playing scene. For the person who dies. Atleast for most people who die. A change of play for the actor.

For the co-actors, yea its awkward. Suddenly, the improvisation has new energy, an unknown. Space available for new possibilities.

Also a sense of a loss of the playing dynamics, which has to be refigured in new context.

Thats all death is.

And i myself must be dying in a million ways in the million multiverses, never mind “the other” dying. The infinite stages strung together and the actor playing out the infinite possibilities of each second.

The thought of him dying was obsessive,for last two years. Its only of late that i have been able to relax. Otherwise it was a high alert since his tryst with the fissure and bp. I would be up at night watching and monitoring the deapth of his breath as he snored on. The thought of him dying and the paranoia that set in was a pattern repeat of the tightly controlled panic I experienced regularly as a teenager when my mother came home wheezing and we spent the whole nights praying and trying to help her get some relief. With no one else to turn for help. Sheer holding-on to the the caregiver, protector, provider.

Sheer holding-on as the intermediate caregiver, protector, supporter.

Today i am lot more relaxed. The pattern that was triggered two years ago has eased. It gave a sample of the minefield of triggers that lay dormant in my mindscape.

Last night when he spoke of his will, after the initial reaction of sheer panic setting in, and then watching it pass, i was able to engage in the conversation - who should the bangalore house be left for? A. She has plenty in her name already. What about AV? Wonderful idea. He is a lonewolf with a strong sense of community. And will find some meaning and continuity, “make something with it, share it”.

Pondi house is for me.

There is no house in pondi yet. There is land in pondi. And our dreams for the home. Our mutual curiosity of this human instinct, nesting. What does it mean to make a nest with someone - which is neither his nor mine, but ours.

Pondi house is for us.

Its ours.

Quite fitting for the closet romantics that we both are.

Such a relief this sentence gave me. Pondi house is for us. Its ours.

What a burden it seems to be lifting from my shoulders.

My self image moves, glides past the harshly lit railings where it was held prisoner by my critical self - ever questioning my intentions of initiating and insisting on insisting on a home in pondicherry. Is it greed? Is it the easy way out? Are you in this for the money?

To something lit with a much softer glow of depth and wisdom. And love and respect.

Ustad Ali Akbar Khan takes the manch.

Nobody else may understand this. But we do. You and i, do.

That ours is a dance of light and shadows. We love and hate. Trust and mistrust. We make love with the enemy. Sleep, cook. Learn to trust. Love. The historical “ other”.

Far from Romeo Juliet. Far far from it. Infact, it probably starts where SSpere left off.

Imagine in play space: Romeo is reborn. Some 20 years ahead of Juliet, who was stuck in a limbo in some portal. And they finally meet. And there is nothing in the way- no warring families, no borders, no jealous friends, no helpful friends either - there is nothing helping, there is nothing standing in the way - except themselves. And all their assumption and presumptions.

“oh! I dint realize you were so obsessive.”

“Oh! I didnt realize you had such a nasty streak”

“You dont listen”

“This is far from the ever after i imagined”

Well, as i write this i suppose this is following the graph of every relationship there is. Nothing unconventional here. Inspite of all our ideas and stories of how unconventional this is.

Also, we arent really gear shifting because we have no kids.

Am i ok with that? Not having a child? Yes. In many ways. It will be nice to have someone to shape and mould and protect and spoil. But when i imagine, i dont think i will be doing something very different from what my mother did - circumstances and conveniences may be different - but the structure is the same - shape, mould, protect and spoil and love - with different degrees of ingredients - but still a replication of the process. Thats what nature is best at, no? Replicating. I dont want to do that. I can see past that temptation.

A cat will do. Or a squirrel. Or a raven. Or a garden lizard, according to him.

Coco.

One coco gone from the terrace. So many coco’s playing around in the goundfloor garden.

Sleepy.

Call with K is postponed to tomorrow.

Project Objex continues to delvelop and offer rich insights offline. Though the thread is held online. No, The thread is seemingly held online.

I find myself pretty uninteresting at the moment.

Stitching classes with mom is nice. Nice is a strange word. And a strange word is what i need to describe it. She is clear and simple. With sketchy camera angling skills. But in her area of expertise, she leaves me with no room for doubts or confusions. Reminded me of how she used to teach me as a child. I remember she used to say a thing only twice, if i made her repeat a third time, i would get whacks for not paying attention. And now she seems to be the epitome of patience, as i also notice my child self coming to the fore, to provoke and test, with disinterest and wandering attention and confusion. She holds the thread with such firm clarity and patience, that i notice the child self dissolving away, making way for me to inhabit the present. In the beginning, 15 minutes into the session, i noticed fatigue and disinterest and irritation setting. And by the end of the class i was clear and inspired and received the information she was clearly trying to transmit. I notice myself eagerly summarising all that i understood at the end of the session. Satisfaction and closure for her. And for me.

All that the giver has to give, needs a taker.

So that the giver can give fully and completely. And be free.

I feel when i am listening to my mother, i feel i am also simultaneously receiving from my grandmother. A line of women who understood cloth. And clothes.

A line of women, who were a few generations ago not permitted to cover their breasts, fashioning the most interesting and quirky ways of covering and revealing.

A line of women, some of who also sliced and placed a breast or two at the altar of life unlived.

A life of women who may have forgotten the joys of sun and wind and rains on naked breasts.

For me to understand R, i had to bring it closer to home. Last night the news of his aunts passing, meant that the inevitable event of his parents passing is clearer in the minds eye. I wouldnt have understood it, if i hadnt played out the scene of mom passing. And i notice that i keep telling myself that i will hold it together, like a stoic -like the stoic. Though the physical sensation is of a collapse a caving in. Like it matters. As if what matters is how i respond to it.

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...

Ashwini BIde Deshpande takes the mach.

The transformer catches fire. In a way that i have never seen it catch fire before - with a big long sideways trialing flame. And abruptly stops. WE gather candles and he goes to alert the watchman to make the calls to the electricity board. And i wonder if its a hello from the other worlds.

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden appearance of an actor...gentle drizzzle

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...and the only thing that matter there is how you respond to the moment, to the change in space, how i respond to a new space.

He does the tadka, a vertical flame lover the ladle he uses for tadka.

We are such theatre.

But why is our sensation of it so mundane and unheightned. As if there is no audience.

The sense of audience , of someone watching is what has fuelled most of the adventures in life. Like on is at once living at writing ones autobiography, and featuring in a biography, all at the same time. The vantage of the witness. Is what inspired this whole era of camera and film and now virtual.

Very many ways of the mirror.

The vantage of the inner witness. Makes me relax a little, teeny weeny, into the belly. The breath is quarter an inch deeper.

What was the word that mom used for leaving a little extra provision of cloth - side something...let me check the book. Not side - seam. Seam Allowance. At least i got the first alphabet right. S. Mom and me have a long way to here, i see.

I didnt realise or register that R’s aunt used to play male roles in the play. She was an actress. I didnt know R’s very married aunt was happy to flirt with the handsome doc while R was getting stitched up from his fall. But around her, knowing that she lived down stairs, and maybe from the kind of home she lived in and her seemingly very traditional exchanges with people around her, I shrank. I felt I would be judged for not fitting in line with the expectation of a space. Walked past her awkwardly, pausing only for pleasantries. Not visiting her in her room as often as i could have and as often as i wanted to even, for the strangeness of the exchange.

Nor having the balls to suggest playing some classical music to her. Some respite from the dreaded TV.

Did i judge her illness or her age or her wealth?

Made it all about me?

Wanting to listen to music quietly together with a practical stranger at her bedside, we must share some language no? Some connection had to have happened. Some step one and two had to be crossed to find that step three. Or could i have straight have jumped to three? Long and short, that want, which kept appearing as an image, i believed was a response to her experience of intense loneliness. And my helplessness.

Which is understandable, one of the first descriptions of her from people who knew her was how social she was -how she was surrounded by friends. Yet in the past year and a half she saw no one except the nurses who were with here round the clock, her children, daughterinlaw, sister who regularly visited and maybe us once in a while and her, and occasional visits from her nieces and nephews. Watched plenty of TV. And went in and out of a hospital. And lived in looping memory. Ate mostly from a tube. The dabba that formulas came in we now use to store flowers for the pooja room everyday.

I would have really liked to go and sit and listen to her, her stories. But i didnt have the balls. What if she rejected me. I would take it very personally. I would be very hurt.

Because i kept dancing on the brink of the rejections. Dreading rejections from R, from friends, from peers, from the kalari. That i so intensely yearn to belong.

And so imagining that possible rejection, and a cruel word - i never made an effort. Even when i wanted to.

Just before she left to the hospital the last time round, I didnt go into her room. Walking past the gesture of one of her nurses to come in - justifying it mentally with “not wearing a mask”. Maybe i was arguing a lot with R and had no bandwidth for the extended family at the moment. Maybe when i argue with R i see no reason why i live here. Maybe when i am arguing with R, i feel I dont belong here. And my whole presence here is a lie. And i dint want her too catch my dishonesty of intentions, of superficiality. My fears.

I have often been plagued by the feeling of helplessness here at buzz road. Much lesser now. This round of our stay has been far more hands on, “empowered”, and with room for changes and play of dynamics. Me allowing myself to do the things i feel like doing at the cost of being “seen”.

Noticing caste encoded in the body memory. Because i have no lived memory of it. My earliest association with identity is being told by my father that i had “no caste, no gender, no religion”, i was human and a girl as equal to any boy.

Why then did i feel my space shrink here? Did i subtly read your judgments without even noticing it? R tells me that you singled out your daughter for her dark skin. Not moer than half a shade darker surely, because i didnt at all notice any color variations in your skins; you all looked like you were from the same family and that was it. Is that why i feel great kindship with the people who work here - because i unknowingly somewhere by the color of my skin maybe they judge me as one of them?

So there is a story of rejection here that i picked up from the space and wove into my story.

Kabira khada baazar mein

Mangey sabki Kahir

Nahi kahoon sey dosti

Nahi kahoon sey bair

I spent an hour faffing to escape finishing this page. Because it doesnt seem to be getting over. One think is linking to the next and then to the next, faster than i can write.

Or want to write.

I can let go.

Yes.

I can let this go.

I dont have to hold on to it like the bag that L and I tugged between each other other over compulsion to be the ideal daughterinlaw/good samaritan.

Lets me just summarize to myself that today i glimpsed the family, this group of people bound together by blood relations, a lot deeper than i ever have. I noticed wounds, as much as i noticed bonds. I noticed bonds, as much as i noticed wounds.

And i have no idea how i walked into this story, which seems to be an epic in itself with my own sense of great mythical journeying. I want nothing from them except peace and resolving and healing of wounds.

And thats what seems to be happening.

No one is counting all this work we are doing in the GDP. I always liked micro economics over macro economics.

Something.

Sleep

___

I gently close the door behind me. Notice the skin a bit shirvelled from time spent a touch too long in war. Thank you for keeping me safe in your waters. Thank you for the waves.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.

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