#My mum is an evil bitch with anger issues

[subconsciousmysteries]

Laziness, some Attachment Triad dynamics, me hating on 3s

I couldn't imagine living my life in fear of being seen as lazy or a loser. Like it is the dumbest most pathetic most weak fear to have. Having this fear primes you to be a slave to your masters because you actually care about their opinions of you beyond a pragmatic survival perspective. You internalize your enslaver's moral compass as your own which makes you doomed for failure and self-loathing, because their "moral compass" is based on their narcissistic belief that they're superior and they have a right to control and enslave you.

Coming from someone who was raised by parents who tried to drill this fear of being an unsuccessful "loser" into me, and a mother who has given me the most horrific verbal abuse and angry meltdowns because I asked her questions about why I'm expected to care about succeeding conventionally... I've seen what this fear of being a loser does to people. it makes them jump off a cliff when the state says jump. It also makes them horrifically mistreat "loved ones" ("loved ones" in quotemarks because these people don't know what love is) who actually respect themselves, whilst sucking up to evil oligarchs who see them as cash cows and lab rats. They kneel before whoever has status and control and shun everybody else... Not even for pragmatic survival reasons, but because they genuinely fucking believe that high status people are morally superior to low status people. That's the most grotesque part. Not their actions but their internal rottenness, their inverted moral compass. They are devout believers in the religion of materialism and idol worship of the elite.

These people never question who invented the value system they follow or why they invented it, which is the ultimate manifestation of Spiritual Laziness (3 -> 9). They just religiously follow the idea that poor people are all lazy and it's all their own fault for being poor because they didn't sell-out hard enough. Of course, they don't believe that attaining wealth is "selling out", because they blind themselves to seeing this blatantly evident fact. They deceive themselves that we live in a democratic, free speech meritocracy where everything is fair, to justify their weakness-driven investment in a broken game.

If you try to explain to them that we live in a system where people have to compromise their moral compass at every corner to attain wealth, where those who speak for justice are marginalized and impoverished and imprisoned and killed, and you show them undeniable proof of this... it falls on deaf ears. You get gaslit that these facts are fake, and apparently you're only believing this stuff so that you have an "excuse to be lazy". Oh gee, I guess I'm supposed to blind my eyes to the truth of how everything works so that your dumb ass doesn't think I'm lazy? Good to know! Because that's what you're asking everyone to do when you say "conspiracy theorists are just lazy" without providing a rebuttal to their facts. You're basically saying "shut up and go back to sleep, goy."

Unenlightened 3 doesn't have any spiritual perceptiveness whatsoever, it is the most spiritually blind, materialistic type on the enneagram. So they don't know that they are the truly Lazy ones for never questioning the values which they live by. Laziness is not a refusal to go to work, Laziness is not receiving government benefits. People who do these things can be Lazy but contrary to materialist belief, this is not the crux of what Laziness is. True Laziness is about falling asleep into the material realm. Which often means falling asleep into your routine of going to work, paying your taxes, saving up for the next property, and never questioning anything you're doing whilst you do all of that. Falling asleep (9) is the opposite of thinking, scrutinizing, questioning, trying to enhance your perceptions (6).

As soon as you start asking legitimate questions about why you have the values that you have (aka, as soon as you "wake up"), as soon as you make a commitment to doing out what is truly right instead of just doing what is comfortable and accepted and easy... it becomes incredibly difficult to fall back asleep. It becomes nearly impossible to "succeed" inside of the 9-to-5 wageslave system that you once never questioned the merit of, once you realize that we don't in fact live in meritocracy at all and your taxes are funding terrorism. You see the truth of how rotten everything is, how it is all built on lies and a hatred of humanity with the intent of enslaving us. The reason why people refuse to accept at the facts proving conspiracy theories, even if you shove it in their face, is because they are spiritually weak as fuck. They are not emotionally prepared to handle the ostracization and the shaming and the isolation that anyone who wakes up endures. They are not prepared to take the Hero's Journey. They are not prepared to be called crazy and a loser and gaslit 24/7 and then worse: threatened by police if they dont keep their mouths shut. They would much rather live in their materialist lie which is comfortable (3 -> 9 as opposed to 3 -> 6. 3 -> 6 would be waking up to the uncomfortable truths whilst 3 -> 9 is falling asleep into the material realm).

All enneagram fears are evil and bad and lead to bad things but there is something uniquely contemptible about type 3. It's definitely one of the types that's behind executing all the world's problems moreso than the others. I believe that all spiritual rottenness originates from ennea 4 (perhaps because 4 is the center of Origin in general) and then it seems to execute itself most pointedly through it's neighbors 3 and 5. Like if you look at this satanic world, that is who is objectively running it... rich 3s and 5s.

#My mum is an evil bitch with anger issues #Also musings #789 triad isn't innocent it's mostly just useless and inept on a global scale #These types can definitely harm people in their immediate vicinity. but #These types don't ever seem to be a force of true globalist evil #They can be possessed by people with globalist agendas and used as pawns like Trump tho (78 combo) #345 have something in common #They are what I call the Pessimist triad cuz they are the integration points of the Optimist triad #Meaning that they all disintegrate to Optimist types #Meaning that they're gravely missing Optimism and desperately need to learn what it is #I find them to be the most calculating and emotionally disconnected types #Despite memes about 4s being ~emotional~ ~empath~ ~all about feeeeelings~ #I've gone through why that's bollocks before #Many 4s are thinkers and many feeler “”4s“” are 9s

[sadselfhelp]

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks. 

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me. 

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing. 

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble. 

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one. 

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me. 

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

#trigger warnings #mental health #anxiety #borderline personality disorder #adhd #domestic abuse #child abuse #self harm #violence #just all the trigger warnings

[punkpal]

Get To Know Me Better! (tag game)

@tidal-wav3s thanks for tagging me dude!!

Fav color: Lots of people get surprised when i say this but pink has and always will be my favourite colour.

Last song I listened to: Four Walls - While She Sleeps

Fav musicians/bands: God i have so many but the first few that come to mind are Parkway Drive, My Chemical Romance, Five Finger Death Punch, Green Day, Architects, All Time Low, A Day to Remember, Hellions, Slipknot, Secrets, Ocean Grove, Korn, In Hearts Wake, Awaken I Am, Whilst She Sleeps, Slowly Slowly, Young Lions, Trophy Eyes, The Plot In You, Queen, The Maine, Linkin Park, Hands Like House, AD/DC, Evanescence, Dream On Dreamer, Asking Alexandria, Crown The Empire, Camp Cope, Bring Me the Horizon, System of a Down, Disturbed, The Used, Brand New, Blink-182, Bad Omens, Tonight Alive, Stick To Your Guns and lots lots more. When i was putting together this list i was gonna make it a max of 10 bands but then i kept thinking of more and more and eventually i just had to stop otherwise this list would become novel length. Basically the consensus is i like lots of music and any of the band i reblog shit from are favs.

Last film I watched: Sicario and it was shit so take my word and don’t fucking bother.

Last tv show I watched: I just finished rewatching The Umbrella Academy season 1 to get myself psyched for season 2. I also just finished watching the netflix mini series documentary ‘Unabomber: In his own words’ which was pretty good. And I am also currently binging The Office (US) and am just starting season 8. 

Fav original character: So i am writing (admittedly mostly just in my head although a little less then a quarter has been written as a rough draft on a word doc) a rather length fantasy/vampire novel. Its part romance, part drama, part revenge fantasy, part anarchist vigilante revolution au and tbh part me just self projecting my trauma and dysfunctional life onto my characters... And whilst it likely will never see the light of day because of my lack of motivation to write the entire thing down and instead just reference it when i am day dreaming. I really vibe with the alternative universe as an escape from the real one i am living in and i have a vested interest in the characters i have created in it. And whilst there are numerous ocs from this that i have put an alarmingly long amount of time (literally years) into developing all of which i love and adore i do have two favourites. One named Taylor who is a gay 2946 year old idiot/himbo (vampire obviously). He is hot, sweet, kind, caring, funny, understanding, stubborn, the mum™️  friend, a romantic fool with a a hint of mummy issues and anger problems and a complete fucking allergy to guilt. And the other is his prodigy/person he turned vampire named Meredith. She is 354 year old hot mess and is kinda the opposite of him in that she is homicidal, manipulative, cunning, devious, fearless (almost to a fault), strong willed women. Who is very smart, has a strong/forward and somewhat off putting personality, low key a bit of a bitch but is very protective of those she loves and has good morals and the desire to right all wrongs even if through violent revenge if she sees fit. She is the leader of a criminal underworld revolution seeking to bring revenge and justice to the powerful and untouchable evils of the world. And he is her loyal side kick that lets her run the show as she is a natural born leader, but also works as a the voice of reason and logic to her. All the while having his own sub plot of being torn between chasing his love interest despite the danger it possesses. Or sacrificing his own desire for connection and love for fear of the consequences despite it meaning living a sad and eternally lonely life. Thats just a very brief summery of those two. They have a very close but complicated relationship with each other, like annoying siblings but imagine if you had to live with your siblings for centuries. And they all have there flaws (some more obvious then others) as well as dark, morbid and tragic histories but it makes them what the are today both the good, the bad and the downright problematic. And yeah i’d like to think one day i will write this out properly and others will read it and connect to or relate to these characters. Maybe love them, maybe hate them, maybe initially hate them, like is designed with Meredith, but come to truly love her once they begin to understand her and see her potential thats hidden under layers of ‘don’t fuck with me’. But until then they are my characters to play around with and build upon and thats exactly what i intend to do.

Sweet, spicy, or savory: Sweet!

Sparkling water, tea, or coffee: Can i say hot chocolate or juice?

Pets: Living with me is my son and best friend Gideon (he is a adult black male cat i adopted a year ago and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.) Living with my sister is my family cat i grew up with named Maisey (she is a snobby fat cat with a beautiful coat and i love her although i don’t think she loves me/or anyone.) And then at my mums is her puppy Newfoundland Bentley (basically god combined a dumbass and a dog and made him) as well as my brothers turtle Pedro and my axolotl Voldemort (can’t fit his huge tank in my apartment so he stays with mum.)

I’m tagging: @bilvy @revradio @cxmeterydrxve @angryqueercrypted @prettyyy-boyyy @disenchanted-mona-lisa @burymeinpink @thotfrnk @r1ghtbackatitaga1n @solelll @gothbtchz @highhighhopless @re-imagine @x-give-em-hell-kid-x @greendayer @dramaticallydepressed @lyricsinmyblood-bloodinmylyrics & @imsopunkrxck obviously this isn’t a obligation, do this tag game only if you want. And if you weren’t tagged but wanna take part then do tag me in your own and i will read and like it as i love learning about my followers passions and interests!

#also this is the first time i have talked online about my alternate universe story and original characters #if you like what you hear and wanna know more as what i wrote was only the tip of the iceberg in regards to what there is to know about them #then hmu and ask any questions you have because i'd love to talk more about them because obviously they are both old as fuck #and therefor have a lot of back story and theres so many different aliments to the plot with a whole lot of side/sub plots #and other characters and i have done a load of research so as to have all of the stuff that i wrote based in the past to be historically #accurate and just yeah i know no one cares but if you do then please ask me about it because i have so much more to say! #also don't judge me even though i deserve it lol

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 14 - WangXian are a (v soft) Battle Couple & Foxglove is hella mad

Hi! Welcome to episode 14. I should be studying. It’s day two of morning runs, so my soul has left my body already, send help. Yesterday I went to buy plants with my mum and got so excited I just whacked on a bunch of eyeshadow because I haven’t seen the outside in weeks, I’m also wearing makeup today, because I have nowhere to go, but I really need to finish this bb cream before it goes bad, so my parents are getting my full fresh faced “woke up like this and put on mascara” routine (which is a fucking lie because I’m wearing at least three blushes and two highlighters). I’m determined to get this bitch down in under five minutes so I can have another five to do eyeshadow, I have way too much eyeshadow to not wear it (I have way too much everything except maybe mascara and eyebrow stuff).

Yes, if y’all were wondering I am in fact a makeup magpie. ANYWAY BACK TO THE ACTUAL THING WE ALL CAME HERE FOR.

(Btw further down I discuss once again how shitty I think the Yunmeng sibs’ parents are if that causes an issue for you)

Ok ok ok, so I was talking with damnpoe-2187 here about how we found that sometimes WWX crossed from gremlin into asshole when he tried to get LWJ riled up. Like in the Cold Springs, putting our shippers hearts aside, that was a dick move and he should have stopped undressing the second LWJ went from annoyed to incredibly uncomfortable. I find this scene the complete opposite, a show of character development if you will. It is kind of similar in that they’re both hurt, and alone (although this time is much more serious) and there was some undressing going on; however WWX here behaves like a fool in love considerate person and knowing how uncomfortable LWJ already is tries to make it easier for him. They’re also super soft and I’m weak.

A brief interlude from my one track mind: That pond is full of corpses isn’t it? Or at least the remnants of the Murder Turtle’s meals I suppose. Damn right WWX should not have gone into the water with an open wound, but think no one should go swimming in there without a full hazmat suit tbh (I want to pump them full of antibiotics at this point ngl)

So I love this tiny montage (is it even a montage) of the, getting themselves ready to kill the Murder Turtle.

Teamwooooooork.

Listen, I have read a few fics in which their mind-meld stays in place due to reasons and I need me more of those.

Ok, turtles don’t work that way, but then again, giant murder snake-Trex-turtle so that’s low on my list of priorities. What’s not low is the fact that this guy is knee deep into pretty much a mass grave and I want to take a few showers just watching him.

Yeah, I know exactly what he’s smelling and suddenly I hope I don’t have meat for lunch today tbh.

The screaming sword has always been fucking creepy and does LWJ’s fist clench mean that he’s also hearing them?

BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE!

So I know killing the thing took them something like six hours. And while it feels quite a long time in the show, I think that, if they cut the scene with idk, JC running towards Lotus Pier, then back to them, then back to JC, but now the sun is in a different position, back to them, but now the blood from LWJ’s hand has dripped down his arm; and so on a so forth it’d convey more clearly how long it took for the Murder Turtle to die. I know fuck all about cinematography tho so feel free to ignore all this if it is in fact an abomination.

Tiiiiiiny interlude here to say that Yiling Patriarch!WWX is probably one of my favourite character archetypes. He’s slightly creepy, slightly amoral (smiling while torturing and murdering bad guys is still amoral ok), more than a bit on the Dark Side, cocky, smirky, a bit of an asshole a BAMF, a rebel with cause and yet he will still do the right thing, not despite his nature, but because of it. He’s kind of like a Chipped Spike? But you know, he doesn’t need electroshock to behave.

I just want a fic where he’s this Dark Lord of Evil in everyone’s eyes however the ‘good guys’ take a break from trying to off him because a bigger threat just popped up and they have no choice but to ask for his help. He agrees, keeps being his charming self while also saving everyone’s asses, LWJ is smitten.

TL;DR: The Necromancer is hot. Oh and nobody dare deny LWJ has a Yiling Patriarch kink.

Oh my, this is the part when I always get teary eyed.

WUJI ON A CELLO? DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?

“Why hasn’t Jiang Cheng shown up and rescued me yet?” THIS IS ALL THE PROOF I NEED THAT WWX IS THE BABY SIBLING.

“Lan Zhan sing me a song”

IT IS HAPPENING, STAY FUCKING CALM EVERYBODY (I’m crying)

That slideshow of their best moments set to WuJi is a masterpiece, and also, it kind of drives home the point of “how tf did we go from flirting during summer camp to this mess”?

(Btw if that’s YiBo humming he’s got one hell of a deep voice)

Ok ok ok, so this moment had me spitting up my tea the first time I watched it. Believe it or not my dumbass thought these people were actually serious with the censorship and we’d get scraps of their actual relationship. Lots of charged moments like in some other western tv shows I’ve seen when two dudes have chemistry but “they’re not gay”, no longing glances, no tender touches, no being unbelievably soft with each other; just you know, amped up, because if I’m not mistaken you can be arrested in China for “promoting the gay”. I mean, they changed the beginning when people insult MXY’s sexuality to insulting his mental health; no one would think “ah yes, the gays are good” when they hear it used as a slur, but they still erased it completely. One of the things I thought they’d fully take away was WangXian, I mean, the into/outro is named Wuji, which, you know, still a mishmash of their names, but not their ship name. It is such a significant part of the story with all the “what’s the song name? Figure it out yourself” that if something were going to give away that they’re married with a kid it would be that. I thought we’d get an artful fade to black BEFORE LWJ would say the name not after. And also, YiBo is enunciating it so clearly that, even with the sound muffled and the blurriness I, who don’t speak Chinese, can make out the two syllables. That’s deliberate, I can say “WangXian” loud and clear without moving my lips too much. At this point in time I must assume someone in charge of looking for censorship violations in the show is a fan and just ignored it.

Censorship person 1: dude, isn’t that a bit too gay, maybe you shouldn’t greenlight it.

Censorship person 2: shut the fuck up, sit here and watch.

*a full rundown of the whole of CQL later*

Censorship person 1: oh my god they’re so in love and they deserve to be happy.

Back to the commentary: I’m sorry but I have a mighty need of a WWX & Peacock friendship ok? This might be me just wanting WWX and LWJ to make other friends besides each other but I think that the Peacock is just bitchy enough to not take any of WWX’s bullshit.

And the Yunmeng bros timing for banter strikes yet again.

That’s terrible quality fake blood btw.

@ Yunmeng disciples: STOP SHOOTING FUCKING KITES PLEASE AND THANK YOU

Oooof even with a change of clothes our boy is still looking rough as hell.

MY LOVELY YUNMENG SIBS BEING SOFT AND HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER.

It hurts my soul that the second JFM starts praising WWX for surviving the Murder Turtle our boy’s knee-jerk reaction is to start praising JC in return. It is instinctive, how many times must this have happened for him to know his brother won’t even get scraps of praise? (Seriously fuck their parents)

It was going so well, I mean, JFM had a point warning him to not say things in anger. But I thought he was going to tell him that it is because sometimes he’ll hurt someone without wanting to, yet, this asshole decided to, once again, remind his kid he thinks he’s a failure.

And here comes Mme Yu who I can only assume had a servant posted at the door to warn her when WWX woke so she could throw some verbal abuse at him. I mean, she must have been missing it.

And JFM’s misogynistic bullshit strikes once again, because why defend ALL your kids when you can insult your wife.

(Every time someone berates WWX for “intervening” I want to scream. I mean, seeing this I can believe why the society as a whole thought genocide was a good idea.)

I love how they use their kids as props in their fight, I mean it’s not like they have feelings or anything. This woman is gaslight-y as hell too “you don’t love your kid because I gave birth to him”, you can’t tell me saying that in front of the son she’s supposed to love isn’t going to hurt him. And she knows it, I mean, besides the Wen attack I’ve never seen her hit the kids (although I very much doubt she hasn’t), so a good part of the abuse must be verbal. There’s no fucking way a person who regularly uses words that way won’t realise where she’s aiming those arrows. Which means to her (to both) the kids are collateral.

But FR, the barely-out-of-adolescence disaster bi necromancer PTSDing all over the place and living in a mass grave was a better parent than any of the current adults in this thing.

Which brings me to another point, Shijie is textbook “the oldest sibling is just another parent” and I’m making myself very angry.

[this is when I start frothing at the mouth and itching to write a modern-girl(and friends)-dropped-in-CQL because someone has to be a positive adult influence in these kids’ lives and it sure as shit ain’t the ones in the actual show.]

CAN WE STOP BRINGING PEOPLE’S DEAD PARENTS INTO THE FIGHT?

*deep breath*

I am going to feed JFM & Mme Yu each other’s spleens. Look, listen, look and listen, let’s first talk about how calmly they lay out the facts of their lives, one is only loved because he’s been brought up in the shadow of his dead parents, the other knows with certainty his father dislikes him and his mother uses him as leverage in marital disputes. When have these two not exploded their emotions all over the place? Fucking never. Yet here they are, talking about this bullshit like some bout of inconvenient weather. They’re used to it!

And now let’s talk about yet again siblings-are-just-extra-parents, with an added pile of WWX’s terrible self awareness that, to the man who brought him up, his worth is due to his dead parents. Again I’m extrapolating, but with the amount of times Mme Yu brings up his parents in such a negative light I refuse to believe JFM hasn’t made all the “you’re so much like your parents” comments to him every time WWX does something right. I mean, telling an orphan about their parents if they ask is a good thing, but WWX seems starved for stories about his them, which leads me to believe JFM refuses to talk about the topic except to make those little comments. What a fucking stellar way to give someone all the trauma if you ask me. May also explain a lot of WWX’s self worth issues if the biggest praise he’s ever heard is that he resembles dead people, yes, people who were loved, but they’re dead, and it doesn’t look like any adult has bothered to go and differentiate WWX from ZSSR&WCZ.

I’m just really mad, despite all the silly anecdotes I put in here my parents are fucking great at parenting, so I know what good parents should look like, and this ain’t it.

Ok, so I made myself angry and I don’t know if I should move onto the next episode now or wait till tomorrow but thanks for reading!

#the untamed #cql #mdzs #mdzs live action #foxglove watches cql #foxglove watches the untamed #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #jiang yanli #jiang cheng #yunmeng shuangjie #yunmeng trio #yunmeng siblings #yunmeng bros #Foxglove is hella mad #good parenting? Less likely than you think

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

Stone Cold

As I know having BPD that I struggle to control my emotions or mood swings, when they get too intense I have periods of psychotic episodes. My mind won't settle it goes 100000 miles an hour, I can’t eat or sleep; the demons return with their sinister demands. They tell me to do things, the only way to quiet them enough to get some sleep is do as they say. I have scorch marks on my wall from when I tried to burn down my room, I just wanted them to go away.

After a week or two (sometimes) they just vanish as if they weren’t there and replaced with this happiness, that has been building up for a weeks and it all just comes out at once. That’s what I hate the most, because not only do I struggle to find anything to drain all this energy I end up spending sh*t loads of money on sh*t I don’t need. THEN I get depressed because I’m sitting in the pitch black because I have no electric! 

THIS A SIDE.

Does anyone (with BPD) find it difficult to have feelings for people?

What I mean is,

I’ll randomly get these strong feelings of affection for someone (family, friend or partner) my chest feels warm, I get these butterflies in my tummy and I feel all happy and everything!  I have this urge to just tell them how I feel. Mainly by text because I feel too embarrassed to say it verbally. If I’m put in a situation where I have to say ‘I love you’ verbally I can’t! Instead I feel anger and disgust for them. It’s so hard to explain or understand myself I don’t even think my DBT therapist will understand this or be able to help. 

So I’m aware I can feel some kind of empathy because sometimes but not often I will feel sad for someone or I will love someone and I will get angry at injustice. But this is very very rare, pretty much all the time I couldn’t give a sh*t! I want to so much but I don’t know how to? How do I care and actually mean it instead of pretending to care? 

Am I the only one? 

Does this make me evil? 

It seems I can only feel emotions for other people when I do, I can’t be expected to because that only makes me feel negative emotions. 

Yesterday my twin brother was crying because he was missing our mum, I told him: “Play on your Xbox or something” I didn’t know what to say or do? I instantly got angry as usual, my emotions suddenly been put on the spot. My first thought was “he’s never there for me when I’m upset”, “no way does he miss her more than me” (harsh I know) “I don’t care, whatever he’s upset” but what I wish I could feel was: “damn he’s pretty upset I should go visit him”, “I hope he’s okay” and the more I try to feel/think these the more numb I feel inside. 

The only way I’m dealing with my mum’s passing is by blocking it out, whenever something is too painful to deal with it gets moved behind a brick wall. I never dealt with my mum, I never dealt with the rape I just blocked it out because that is only thing I know how to. When someone asks me how I feel one year after the attack, I say: “I’m getting there” when really inside I’m saying: “whatever I don’t care anymore” but whenever a man looks at me or touches me in an innocent way, like the back or shoulder example, I flinch and my chest tightens. 

My main issue is my problem with empathy and how to feel it, is this a thing us BPD’s will always struggle with or am I just a heartless bitch? 

My mum said I was cold hearted, 

If a child cries I feel confused I just stand there not knowing what to do, I feel guilt as well, I think. “Stop crying, it aint gonna fix anything!” I sometimes say and I can hear how mean I sound, but it’s like I hate pitying or showing affection towards people. I honestly feel so uncomfortable in these situations. Everyone just thinks I’m a horrible human and don’t care but I want to but I just don’t know how to, otherwise I wouldn’t be stressing over it.

If anyone with or without Borderline has any helpful tips or ways they deal with compassion/empathy please, please, please help.

I DON’T WANT TO BE STONE COLD ANYMORE.

#bpd problems #bpd thoughts #actually bpd #bpd feels #bpd #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #borderline problems #being borderline #borderline #borderline personality problems #empathy #compassion #lack of empathy #lack of emotion #psycosis #mental health

[tathrin]

Albus Severus Potter: a defense of a well chosen name

(In conjunction with a truly excellent post by @waterbird13​, I wanted to share my additional thoughts...but without word-vomitting all over their post.)

The name “Albus Severus Potter” is about healing. About moving forward. About Harry reconciling with his past, even the nasty parts of it, and choosing not to hold on to his old grudges for the rest of his life. To live.

The same thing he chose when he walked away from King’s Cross Station.

Over the course of these seven books, Harry watched Sirius, Snape, and Dumbledore all bow, bend, and even break under the weight of their old sins and hatreds. He saw how much their refusal to let go of, to live with and move on from, the past damaged them. One could even argue that it killed them:

If Sirius and Snape had been able to learn to trust each other (not to like each other, not even to forgive each other, but just to move on and stop treating one another like the vile kids they had once been) would the whole Department of Mysteries debacle have happened as it did? If the two of them had been able to come to an understanding of one another as allies, would Harry have trusted Snape enough to believe he would pass along his message about “Padfoot” and “the place where it’s hidden”? If he’d even just trusted Snape enough to come back to the castle and check with him after they left Umbridge in the forest, he would have known that Sirius wasn’t actually in any danger...but Harry didn’t think he could rely on Snape, because of the vicious cycle of loathing between Snape and Sirius (and the memory of his dead father). Certainly their mutual hatred did nothing to make life easier for the two of them, nor for the Order as a whole, weighed-down by their old grudges; whether Sirius might have survived past the end of OotP if he and Snape had come to some kind of understand is, of course, something we’ll never know. But don’t tell me it’s not a question Harry asked himself; he even brought up the issue with Dumbledore in the immediate aftermath of Sirius’s death.

Dumbledore knew that ring was a Horcrux and he put it on anyway. He isn’t stupid, he had to have known that was a bad move -- but he was overcome by guilt and grief and he did it anyway, because he wasn’t thinking logically, he was too consumed with the need to see his sister again and, presumably, get some kind of closure that he had spent so many decades longing for. And yes, Snape cast the final spell that ended his life on the Astronomy Tower, sure -- but he was already dying, that was the whole point. If he hadn’t been doomed, would he and Snape have come up with some other plan to deal with Draco? I expect Dumbledore would have wanted to stick around longer, if for no other reason than to increase their odds of winning the war, if not for the ring that doomed him due to his fixation on the Resurrection Stone. There’s a reason why Harry was able to drop the stone in the forest and leave it behind, even though he had lost so many people he loved himself; part of that reason is that he thought he was marching to his own death, true, but the other part is that even then, he was thinking about the future. Harry didn’t die to absolve the sins of the past; he died so his friends would have a future.

That Snape was consumed and, ultimately, destroyed by the ghosts of his path should require no further illumination on my part, but if you’re not clear on it just go re-read Prince’s Tale for starters or really any of the seven books because Snape’s whole character arc was one long line of misery and an inability to forgive, move on, or let go. Always, remember?

In DH we see Harry actively reject following Dumbledore’s path when he chooses to let the D.A. help him find the Horcrux. If Dumbledore had been able to let go of the pain of his past, maybe reconcile with Aberforth, would he have needed to keep all his secrets so close to his vest? Again, maybe Dumbledore would have gone down the same path in the end...but it certainly didn’t make him happy, clinging to the sins of the past like that, and Harry knew that by the end, and he chose to step away from that.

And back to Sirius for a tangent: if he and Regulus had not been so estranged, don’t you think it likely that Regulus would have sought-out his brother (whom he knew was working against Voldemort, he had to have known, Sirius had made no secret of his allegiances for years) when he decided to turn traitor, and maybe at least shared some information with him? Maybe asked for help, even -- but at the least, he might have sent Kreacher with instructions to seek Sirius out if he couldn’t destroy the locket on his own; how different would things have been if Dumbledore had gotten his hands on one of Voldemort’s Horcruxes back then? Maybe Regulus would still have died, maybe he would have still insisted on going into that cave alone save for his elf...but other lives might have been saved, if the Black brothers had been on speaking terms...

So in summation, we know that Harry saw, first hand, the kind of damage that clinging to the wounds of the past can do to people.

Now mind you, I’m not saying that some of these grievances were not legitimate things to be upset by. Because they were! And I’m not suggesting that anyone should be “required” to forgive people who’ve hurt them, because nope. Fuck that abusive nonsense. Goodness knows I am a spiteful bitch, and I’m not about to go spouting some “forgiveness is good for the soul” bullshit here! There are things that do not deserve to be forgiven, and anger is at least as powerful a motivator as any other emotion, and there is nothing unhealthy about anger in and of itself; anger can change the world.

However...there is a point where it gets in the way if you can’t learn to work with your anger, if you can’t learn to move on in spite of your grudges. Frankly I like to think that if I were in some kind of Order of the Phoenix situation, and one of my childhood enemies were part of the group too, I would be mature enough to be able to work with the slimy good-for-nothing bastard in a professional, civil manner; not forgiving, not forgetting, but also not focusing on my own wounded pettiness the way Sirius and Snape did. Not constantly re-affirming and reveling in the old slights and torments. There were more important things to focus on than their personal feelings -- but they couldn’t move on from the past; couldn’t live in the present instead. They refused to even try.

And Harry saw that. He saw what that kind of thing does to people, saw how toxic and indeed even fatal it could be; he saw first hand (both in the Pensieve and in the present) how the cycle of hatred between Snape and the Marauders just kept circling around, clawing away at all of them, damning and damaging them all. He watched the past poisoning them for seven years.

And then he looked at his life and, as he had with Dumbledore’s habit of secrecy, he made the conscious decision not to live like that.

That is what Albus Severus’s name represents: healing, closure, moving forward. It shows that all really is well, because Harry has healed. He isn’t a broken shell living in the evils of the past; he’s a whole, healthy human being (scarred, yes, they’re all going to be scarred, and I don’t mean foreheads and arms and backs of their hands) and he is getting on with his life. He’s not wallowing. He broke free from the cycle of hatred that defined the lives of so many of the dead he lost. He isn’t reliving the sins of the past. He’s living.

And the name Albus Severus Potter shows that all is well.

Honestly, it was that name more than the whole rest of the epilogue scene, that made me actually believe the closing line of the series, and I’m sick of people shitting on it because they can’t take two seconds and think it through.

Final Notes in Rebuttal:

Harry didn’t know he was going to have two sons when James was born, so of course the first boy got both names! If he had had twin sons, it probably would have been “James Albus” and “Sirius Severus” -- but nobody ever knows for sure how many kids they’re going to have, okay? So please stop talking about how he ought to have “spread out the names” blah blah blah. That isn’t how procreation works.

Orphaned Harry Potter, who named his kids James and Lily after his own dead parents, was not going to take the name “Remus” away from his own god-son you selfish pieces of trash. That name belongs to Teddy more than it does to him, and Harry would recognize that import because he named his kids after his dead parents, so of course he’s going to leave Teddy the option to do the same! (Besides, it might have been weird for Teddy to grow up with a younger quasi-sibling named after his dead dad or mum, don’t you think? I dunno seems weird to me.) And by the way, Edward Remus Lupin already is named after Moony, so Harry’s already got a son (or god-son, anyway, and don’t even pretend that Harry wasn’t a huge part of Teddy’s life) named after him! You think he’s going to turn around and say, “oh well now someone who matters is named after Remus, and not just you, Teddy” -- which is basically what is being suggested every time someone complains that Harry didn’t name any of his kids after Remus? I don’t bloody think so!

None of the other Weasleys would ever be callous enough to even go near the name “Fred” don’t be an ass. That name belongs to George and George alone and if he never wants to hear the name “Fred” again because it hurts too much then they won’t fucking speak it. And if he wants to name his son after his dead twin, then they will respect that. End of story.

Neither “Albus” nor “Severus” are weird names in wizarding culture. This is a world where Phineas, Arcturus, Rabastan, and Lucius are all quite ordinary names for boys. Albus, in particular, would be a name that was familiar to wizarding society, after Dumbledore’s long and (in)famous career. Do you think Harry’s second son was the first “Albus” to walk through the halls of Hogwarts after Dumbledore’s death? Come on! So no, nobody is going to tease Albus because “his name is weird” pay attention to some basic world building, please!

Frankly giving your kids the names of dead people whom you knew well seems a bit awkward to me; the fact that Harry didn’t know James or Lily, and the fact that he never called either Dumbledore or Snape by their first names, gives those names some remove from immediate usage. It would be like, if I wanted to name a kid after my dead grandmother, I wouldn’t call her “Dottie” which was the name we all used for grandma; I might call her Dorothy, because nobody ever called grandma that, so while the name is still hers it doesn’t trigger immediate associations to grandma in my head, and yet would be a definite gesture toward honoring her. Right? So when Harry shouts, “Albus, stop that!” he isn’t going to automatically feel like he’s talking to Dumbledore...so just, remember that there is some level of remove between the names “Albus” and “Severus” and the people who bore those names, for Harry. So yes, he named his son after a man he hated...but he used a name that was never really associated with that man in his head, and which furthermore was just the kid’s middle name, so...yeah. It was more of a gesture, a symbol, I think. If he’d called him “Snape” it would have been weird; he would have had a hard time shaking the associations of that name, I expect. But the name “Severus” meant as much to him as...well, as the first names of some of your teachers whom you only ever knew as “Mr Smith” or “Ms Jones” etc. And that’s also why Sirius works as a middle name much better than it would as a first name, just btw.

Ginny Weasley grew up with more family than she knew what to do with. Harry grew up with none (oh he had relatives, but the Dursleys weren’t family). Ginny spent her whole life having a family; Harry finally got to make a family of his own (to recreate what he’d lost on Oct 31, 1981) after they got married. Not a family that had welcomed him into its folds, but a family all of his own. That would have meant a lot to him, more than it meant to her; Ginny could take family for granted. You don’t think she understood how important having kids was to him? Yeah, she would have wanted kids too or she wouldn’t have had any -- but it would have been an expected, matter-of-fact thing to her. To Harry...it would have been the whole world. So yes, I expect she was perfectly content to let Harry have the emotional catharsis of suggesting their kids’ names, and going along with his preferences, because it would have meant so much more to him than it did her. Ginny had six brothers. Do you really think Molly and Arthur spent hours and hours picking out big, deep, meaningful names for each of them? Or do you think, more likely, they just picked some names they liked and didn’t make it into a great big deal? So I reckon Ginny looked at it much the same way: “I’ve got kids, does it matter what their names are so long as I can shout them real loud when they do something like blow-up half the house?” (Can you not see Ginny turning to Harry at some point in the middle of the night and saying, “Sirius would be a good middle name for a boy.” And Harry would be all, “Er...yeah, I guess so, but shouldn’t we pick a first name first?” and Ginny just laughing at him and saying, “Oh Harry, please, like I haven’t known what the names of our first son and daughter were going to be since I was first crushing on you when I was ten...” And Harry would blush, and mumble, and admit she was right.)

Naming your kid after a house-elf probably would be a good way to get them teased, however.

#albus severus potter #albus potter #harry potter #severus snape #albus dumbledore #hp epilogue #hp canon #names #fandom rant